The Johnny Salami Podcast - Coach Lynch

Episode Date: March 29, 2020

Coach Lynch, my childhood baseball coach comes on the Podcast to discuss what it was like coaching me, growing up in the 70's, and what life is like today.

All right, what's going on, everyone? Welcome to another episode of the Johnny Salami Padcast. Today's guest, special one, Coach Lynch. Thank you for coming. Thank you for stopping by. John, it's an honor and a pleasure to be with you today. So I saw you at the track yesterday, or no, two days ago. And the day before, I got kicked off by the cops and then i saw you the next day and we were talking

about it i was like yeah i got kicked off by the cops yes and i said to you that seems to be a common theme with you and the police you can't even go to the track without getting arrested most people go to the track they walk they run they run, they do whatever. I just go and stalk high school girls. But other than that, you get arrested by the Cumberland police. Yeah. That's not good. No, but when you left, that's when they came down, and that's when I took out my gun. I called them when I left.

Yeah, that's when I took out my gun. I said, there's somebody walking the track. Yeah. Yeah, they came in fucking hot, dude. It was almost like I pulled out a gun and just you know so we walked the track and i went there a few weeks ago and i find it locked and i'm saying to myself wait the the track like no one's six feet apart or closer than six feet at the track yeah one guy's uh working on bands

another guy's doing sprints you get two kids playing soccer you're doing your thing i just want to do 12 laps and get out of there i i just i'm not trying to bother anybody yeah and it's locked so we resort to criminal behavior we hop the fence like a dime store hood dude i had to take my gun out like i was just i was done with it no the cumberland police came by and they said you can't walk the track and i i so i last night i went later because i know the cops are sleeping around that time what time around six o'clock six o'clock and i walked the track and it was fantastic dude that's that's what i did so i went uh i went around five and everybody was out there you know jerking each other off yeah and i was like i'm just gonna wait this one out yeah so i waited till six and uh i went out there i was the only one there yeah last night yep shania twain

blasting dude i'm in the zone right i'm running my ass off. All of a sudden, dude, cop puts his sirens on, whips out his little GI Joe thing. And he's like, you can't run on the track. And I was like, all right, man. Like, sorry. And then I just came back the next day, talked to you. Literally two minutes after we were done talking, came down, same thing. It's you. It's the flames on the truck.

Yeah. That truck has been seen around town dude but the thing is i don't think it's uh i don't think it's because it's the off season i think it's just the virus in general i do too because i'm out there dude in the winter yeah 30 degrees right it's locked you know i have the fence yep you know that's trespassing that's breaking breaking and entering and trespassing yeah Yeah. At the track in Cumberland. You got to do what you got to do, though. No, I mean, criminals are criminals. Yeah.

If you know how to hop a fence, you know how to hop a fence. No. It just comes naturally. But I was saying that I won't get hurt walking the track. That's not going to happen. I'm going to tear an ACL hopping the fence. You know who's down there ripping Ripping it up. Ripping it up. Mr. Bogolowski.

Is he? Guy's the goat. Is he doing sprints? No. He's got full weights. He brings his full weights. He's got bands. He's running Planet Fitness at the track for himself.

Grunting, grinding, sweating uh just bringing it nobody brings it like mr bogey i've only seen him a few times but he was the one who had like the bands tied to the goal post he's the one that with the needle and the syringe yeah dude he was flex ripping it yeah listen to him you go shut the shania twain and abba off and you gotta listen to mr bogo just as grunts all world wow you will be a complete failure working out next to mr bogo when he was there i'm pretty sure some wives cheated on their husbands i just remember young mikey bringing it from the mound at Cumberland Youth Baseball.

Throwing screwballs, dude. John, I'll never forget coaching you in the Jimmy Fund All-Star Team back in 1978. Do you remember that team, John? Yeah, I do. We had a lot of fun in Woonsocket. We took a road trip. I don't think I was on that team. Yes, you were. We had a lot of fun in Woonsocket. We took a road trip. I don't think I was on that team.

Yes, you were. Which team? So it was a mix of, I believe, 10 and nines. So it was you, Jared DeLue, Kyle Zamita, Brandon Frijo, Call, uh zamita okay brandon frijo call um and then a bunch of nines jonathan lynch andrew whalen tyler heat to tana morice and we went up to one socket we we ventured out away from cumberland pretty nice field though right yep the uh i can't remember the name of it but it's right up near cookies bar and grill kyle sutcliffe's dad's bar it was that close yeah wow i was just so young and small like i thought it was in like the middle of like uh afghanistan no we took a conway bus up there and came rolling

in uh all these white kids came rolling into one socket and i think i remember throwing uh throwing some cheddar cheese dude so i i remember this story we're at bf norton remember bf norton yeah i it reminded me of like wrigley field it was that nice at bf gordon bf norton a lot of weeds man oh my god uh rocks like one night a kid picked up a rock to throw to first base. I said, no, the ball. The ball's white. The rock is...

They had the stands right behind first. So if you overthrow it, even a little bit... You were catching it. Somebody's getting knocked in the tits. Hopefully. Yeah. That made it... So we're at BF Norton and the Rangers,

the vaunted Ranger attack from Cumberland Minor League Baseball. We're playing the Orioles and they start a young righty from South Cumberland smiley John Salami and remember you played for Mr. Lapine and the Orioles

you were bringing it radar gun topping at 92 93 you think so change up curve slurve yeah and you were our kids were crapping their pants they came back to the dugout i'm like you guys have to swing they're like no he doesn't know where the ball is going so explain this to me though because like i don't really remember like i remember like bits and pieces from minors but like back then if i look at pictures like i had legitimate tits you know what i mean so that's kind of what i remember

from that age and i was like really slow so i must have had like a 10 second wind up yeah you were slow mentally and physically so i don't know what you were slower at like you had the body of a pregnant oprah winfrey dude but i and the mind of sling blade yeah so together on the mound nobody wanted to face you yeah so you're throwing you're you're throwing like minimum pitches to strike our kids out. And our team is done against the Orioles. We're not going to win this game. What does your coach do?

He takes you out after the first inning. We cheered. We screamed and cheered. And then we went on to beat you 12-0. Wow. How many runs did I give up? You gave up. You didn't throw a ball in the first inning.

You threw all strikes. Three strikes, first guy's down. Three strikes, second guy's down. Yeah. Jonathan came back with soiled pants. And we were deathly afraid of you, Jonathan. I definitely drank a lot of milk back then. You look like you also gave a lot of milk with those mammaries that you had.

I think you were lactating. Yeah. I had an internship at the garlic factory. No, but I don't really. So you played for the Orioles. You remember that. I remember. And didn't you win it one year? The only thing I remember thoroughly from the Orioles,

I didn't even know what a phone was. I didn't know what a camera was. And I remember Dylan Jepsen was on my team. Actually, no, he wasn't. He was on the Red Sox. No, no, that was majors. Yeah. Minors.

I was on the Orioles. Dylan was on the, not the Devil Rays, the Blue Jays, I believe. Yes. Yep. And I didn't know what a phone was was i didn't know what a camcorder was and mr jepson came to the world series game because we were in the world series we had this kid named mike aviani oh he had a beard mike aviani had a beard he was on horse tranquilizers and he'd hit like three home runs no doubt about it so we're in the world series game skip blue

was your coach that year yeah fucking skip though and uh dude i remember being up at bat and i remember having legit tits um and i remember the sports bra at that point or you know i just let him hang so i would lactate as i was running around the bases and i remember i was bad i think like ninth because mike batted fourth i remember batting ninth i was still kind of young and And we're in the World Series game. I go up to bat. No one's expecting anything. They think I'm disabled.

And I get a fastball right down the middle, and I hit it into left field, which is unknown for me because I pull everything. I hit it into left field. The left fielder goes to try to catch it, like dive, which is also unheard of in minor leagues. Nobody knows what time it is. No, they're playing with the dirt out there. He could have been a little special, too.

A little. Because the ball went by him, and I had never made it past first base. Like, I would hit gap doubles and just stop at first base. I'm like, I can't make it. Right. You needed oxygen. Dude, I hit an inside the park home run. At High Street or?

Garvin. Oh, nice. The signature field. World Series game. Nice. I hit an inside the park home run. Think about how long it took me to run around the bases. Oh, yeah.

I mean, dude, if you're top speed, you're a good player, it's going to take you like 16 seconds just to run around the bases. That took you to get to first base? At least a minute, I would say, to run around all the bases. I don't remember what the left fielder was doing i just remember people screaming to fucking run you know what i mean and uh yeah mr jeffson was like dude i got that all on videotape and i was like i don't even know what that means and uh he ended up showing us it uh i don't know if he might still have it we should hit him up dude oh we gotta mr jeffson's the best yeah i mean it was

an old film but they would would always take pictures and whatnot. Oh, yeah. Dude, he might have it. We should hit him up, see if he still has it. And whenever the Jepsens showed up, there'd be a caravan of nine Jepsens. There'd be Nick and Joe. Joe would be climbing the trees bare feet.

Sherry would be there. John. Dylan was the same size he is now. That's what he was playing for the Blue jays yeah dylan was a leopard dude he was legit uh crow magnan strength like special strength yeah uh still yeah dylan is still the same size you think so oh yeah i feel like he grew like a shit ton because when we were younger like i was definitely one of the bigger kids you know what i mean like when i was in elementary school like i knew i was fat but i didn't know like the extent

to like how fat you were big boned and i remember there was this like bully who used to bully me and he was like dude your tits are bigger than everyone in the schools and i was like oh that's funny dude that's an honor thank you he was like including the teachers oh that was unnecessary that you know a little bit right right that's hurtful but yeah dude i just like drank a bunch of milk and i could just eat like i remember i used to bring two sandwiches to lunch oh and uh two capri suns except they were like the big ones you know i'm saying like the big boys and you had vodka in it probably for the weight yeah plus you probably weren't working out because you're supposed to extend calories at that point i had um i had a small couch i had a small weight bench similar to the ones that people are buying

right now because the virus like the ones you get from walmart yeah so those max out like 85 90 pounds i do some bench press reps on that but realistically yeah i mean nobody really lifted back then no but i just John, you were always bigger. On a mound, you were overpowering and really scary. And you were one of the few left-handed power hitters that if you got a hold of it, gone, smashed, gone, see you. Yeah. But, I mean. You were a great pickup by the Red Sox.

Yeah, we kind of sucked. But, I mean, like back then, like you kind of reach a certain age where it's like all political. It really was. And you know what, John? I always look back at Cumberland youth baseball and was amazed that the Yankees could not beat the Indians. The Indians used to lose to the A's.

We as the Rays beat the A's every time I played Mr. Frechette. We beat them. We couldn't beat the Yankees. I never beat the Yankees and Mr. Belisle. And so it used to get down to the playoffs. And Mr. Cardozo drafted an unbelievable team. And Mr. Whalen took that over. And they won it a couple of years with

jesse gilbert who was just phenomenal yeah you can't argue with that you know mr cardozo was uh was phenomenal but before uh i got to the majors it was all political um you know it was uh a lot of uh if you back then if you weren't 12 uh you had a shot to go up to the majors. But once you got to 12, you stayed in the minors. Today, they made a rule that all 12s have to play in majors. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, I mean, it's changed, but not as drastically as people say, like people are like, oh, like parents run it now. But it's like back then it was kind of like the same thing. Like I hit, I hit five home runs in the majors one year and i didn't make the all-star team no because uh first of all the coaches because i sat in on those meetings uh the coaches had the initial eight or nine kids locked up you know that was

and then it would be the coaches saying you know what do you need i need a left-handed reliever i need another catcher um you know this kid's mom is hot he has to be on the team yeah exactly um this kid's dad is rich he'll buy us all the uh joe sees after so i would draft that kid yeah it was yeah i remember the day though it happened and uh i was like oh i'm definitely like gonna make the all-star team so i had like a great year or whatever i mean rarely like i mean me and dylan fucking crushed on the red socks like i mean i pretty much strike out like everyone yeah everyone was like intimidated by me for some reason um and i remember hitting five home runs and being like dude i have to make the all-star team and i would hang out with joe fine who lived up the road i remember he was on my team yeah he

drove down and like he's like yo, you going to all-star practice? And I was like, dude, we have practice? And he's like, yeah. They were supposed to not tell you that. He's like, oh, he didn't make the team? I was like, I didn't even know, man. And he ended up – he actually called Coach Belisle when I was right there, and he was like, did John Psyche make the team?

And that was it, man. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I cried. No, in honor of you making that Jimmy Fun team that we're on, I wanted to bring this to you and to have you display this for eternity here in your studio. This is from me to you. Congratulations on making that team. 2006, Cumberland American Minor, regular season champs, Rangers.

Davey DeSilva. You don't have to read the plaque. They typed it wrong. It should say John Psyche. No, it needs to be up there, John. Yes, please. I won't be able to see you. We can push it back.

That needs to be on full display for all to see that you were an all-star and that people were deathly afraid of you socially they were afraid of you because you never said two words still are and what did mr delu name you smiley i mean it was the greatest nickname ever yeah that was my guy man he was a great mr delu is a fantastic guy such a great guy yeah man he coached that team with me now do you remember that team yeah we had so much fun um we lost in the in the last game by a run kyle zamita was up and we had a guy on third and i just thought thought that Kyle was a terrific athlete. Didn't he move away and then come back?

Do you remember him? He just couldn't get either a bunt down or a hit against Alex Latai, who's down at URI. Big kid from Vernon. Really? And we lost in the Jimmy fun. Sounds familiar. Yeah.

Yeah, man, I remember that. I just, like, I don't think I even competed. I really just, like, enjoyed the field and the scenery. There's a lot of people there. Right. Yeah. It was a tremendous tournament. Yeah.

And then, so, yeah, the All-Star team was extremely political, and it was time-consuming. Some of the kids that made the team were like, yeah, I'm good. Really? We have a house down in there against it i won't be there yeah and the coaches were like offended what what do you mean you're not coming to the all-stars no no going away this summer yeah because you couldn't be on the all-star team and and try to take a vacation that wasn't happening yeah i don't

know if i could handle it mentally either like Like, I was so quiet and shy. Like, I don't think I'd be able to handle the bright lights. It's stress. It is stressful. You have, like, all those parents, like, fucking screaming and shit. Like, I don't even think I'd want to be there. I'll never forget, because I was the official scorekeeper for, we hosted the District 4 State Little League Championship tournament at Garvin.

Cranston West, maybe. Barrington. Mr. Belisle and Mr. Frechette's team. And some other team. Maybe Lincoln. Yeah. And it was great because Lincoln got their ass kicked. And that made for the whole tournament to be a success.

But I'll never forget the first game, I think, Jesse started. And he's throwing like 72 miles an hour. And Pete Travis is catching. And Joubert's on the team. And Brian Belisle. And next thing you know, Brian Belisle hits a two-run home run. And it was just baseball to this level now. Forget the Rays versus the a's on a wednesday

night at high street forget that this was real and uh and i think um that team lost in the finals because it was for the right to go on to the state tournament maybe they won i forgot yeah but it was real baseball you're right it was it was stressful yeah man it was just like um when you when i got older i kind of realized how like uh much fun it was but how silly it was like just little leagues in general like yeah i mean especially when you like look at the evolution of the game like now you have you have like a legitimate pretty much a wooden bat. It should be. If you gave those kids wooden bats, dude, honestly, they'd probably just be hitting singles. Yeah, it should be wood bat because...

Dude, if you look back in the day, you had those stealth bats, you had the C4 bats. People had those red C4 bats. Literally, dude, if someone's throwing 70 miles an hour, just put the bat out. Check swing, it's over at Razzie. That's a home run at Razzie. But give me a wooden bat i'd still be hitting bombs yeah you know what i mean yes your power definitely but like some of those kids didn't have power they

just had these they just kept their hands back literally from the start of the pitch and just fucking boom yeah john it may have it may be the same today, but back then you were looked down upon if you didn't play baseball 12 months a year. And studies show today that let a kid play baseball or softball in the spring. Let her play soccer in the fall and basketball in the winter. Let her do a bunch. Let her swim. Let her try karate. You know, let these kids out.

No, no, you have to be at Kenny Ryan's on Sunday morning at 9 a.m. for a four-hour indoor practice. What? In the middle of January. And I was part of it. I ate it all up. And it was looked down upon that you played hoop. And then the basketball coach would be like,

what do you mean you're playing baseball this summer you should be playing in a basketball league and they all put the pressure on you to play one sport it's if you follow kevin euclid on twitter he's great because he crushes these people they're all talking launch angle and yeah i mean back then i was wicked immature so i'd be like yeah you can fucking suck on my balls like you say that now yeah i see yeah you've grown up a lot yeah dude same sense of humor since i was younger i was wicked immature oh they all we were too yeah but i was wicked quiet and then i'd fucking let it rip and people would have aneurysms dude no i i uh when i found out that you uh have this show and you named it after your penis, Johnny Salami, I thought that was a fantastic name.

Oh, my nipples. Oh. And then to have Smiley be a stand up comedian. That's like saying Osama bin Laden is doing a cooking show on the Cooking Network. That was awesome. Yeah. and i can't wait you think i'm encouraging positivity oh you are a major role model for all those handicapped kids wearing helmets today the younger kids dude that's just like you know that's my goal you lost the helmet and now you broke out of your shell yeah i don't know it may have been court-ordered. I don't know. It wasn't court-ordered, but... I mean, you have the trophy to prove it.

Yeah, I mean, my mom makes me go to the bathroom outside still, but I'm making small improvements day by day. No, I would too. Like before, I used to have to wear the helmet with the cage. Now there's no cage. Now tell me about your basketball career you played at mccourt yeah who'd you play for mccourt uh mr permiano yeah me and jew fine yeah and uh dylan dylan played one year yeah then he had he had to move dude you want to hear a funny story i'm ready

dylan didn't make the team uh in sixth grade because he was fucking around during tryouts. I'm shocked. I was wicked calm and composed. I was like, dude, I don't know if I'm going to make the team. The team was nasty, too, in sixth grade. You had all these kids with terrible family lives, but they were fucking sick at basketball, dude. McCourt never could catch a break because because north had like 62 kids trying out yeah it's like mccourt had he also had mr man who's a fucking right he's he's the best and

and mccourt if you could make bail for three or four kids you'd have a really good team yeah but yeah no you're right north was always better man but basketball growing up i was still like the kid with tits i just i would always be outside shooting threes. That's all I really did, man. I'd camp out in the corner to kind of shoot some threes. Then we had Joe Fine. It was just me and him. But, yeah, man, it was fun, like, growing up in this neighborhood because, you know, Joe lived up the road,

and I would just walk to his house before school. Great guy. And then we'd walk to school, and then we'd go to practice, and then we'd walk home from practice, and then we had baseball together. You know what I mean? Yeah. I coached Joe for the the rays and uh his father came

up to me marty yeah classic if my son gives you any shit you have my permission to whack him i was like awesome thanks yeah how come you're not everyone's dad yeah and then of course joe doesn't give me any shit because he's a gentleman uh great kid to coach he and andy heck and uh eric labas in there and uh who was the the kid from mccourt the baseball player uh i saw him at seabra kevin what was kevin's last name played mccourt baseball kevin you'll remember him he's in beans's class beans it'll come to me kid had a curveball and a half he beat lincoln on his own in the all-star game throwing curveball after curveball his name's kevin yep played right field for mccourt like when i was playing yeah

he was a year maybe two years ahead of you oh ahead of me yeah oh kevin laberge yep yeah hell of a baseball player yeah so kevin laberge did not make the all-star team i i promoted him i said i nominated him i said this kid can he's not going to start every game and he's not going to pitch nine innings a game but he's got an unbelievable curveball and he plays from a court like he has experience he's not going to crap under the lights yeah so they said no it took me a while to like process what you're saying because i didn't play uh i didn't play baseball from a court in my uh when i was in sixth grade yeah they look at all of that so john they they get kevin laberge to be on the team one day one night playing lincoln he comes in in like the

second inning somebody's shitting their pants yeah they just had a meltdown on the mound laberge comes in throwing cheese the whole game lincoln loses the game yeah steve cardozo sees me that's unbelievable kevin your boy led us to victory tonight so you never knew john if some of these kids got a shot what they could do it's just that some of them never got a shot yeah so it makes you think you know i experienced that when i was um they always had the all-star teams and like a few years after i didn't make the all-star team he had jack liberty who was kind of like responsible for the all-star team for babe ruth and i didn't make that one either uh i remember he was just like yeah john like you're not showing me enough emotion i was like dude this on my faces

all the time and uh then he ended up uh adding me to another all-star team and we would play uh it was like a huge tournament at slater park oh yeah and oh yeah i remember that he was like yo we're bringing back the boys you know so you had jesse at shortstop yeah pat you had joe um i remember john lanue was on the team you had all these different kids who were you know who were all-stars back in the day except for me uh and i didn't really play much and then one day uh jack was just like yeah like we have no one to pitch today uh and i was like right yeah right here bro i'll do it and uh i remember going out there dude we were playing one of the best teams my arm i felt like i was the iron man dude because i had thrown it so right talk about fresh talk about pitching on a legit mound too i know i mound dude kids were saying like they couldn't see the ball no and

john what amazed me about that level of baseball so you had kids like christian's um christian spader yeah hitting 20 home runs in in little league yeah then he goes to play for north and it's real baseball you know and christian had the athletic ability to do well at the big field but you had some of these kids that excelled at little league john they topped off at 12 they shit their pants after that and never played again then you had these kids that just got better every year they may have been smaller in stature and in little league yeah then they get to the big field and they find out you got to throw strikes and you want them to hit the ball you want them because most times you could

throw them out yeah and i could see you doing well at the big field because you i think i think uh i mean i'm happy with my evolution in terms of like pretty much everything you know what i mean like i feel like some kids are like studs when they're younger just like when you're younger dude you might have gotten like 12 hand jobs behind an rv when you're 12 but then once you get to the big stage once you get to high school college bro you're giving 12 you can't accept that you're not used to failing so once failure approaches man it's just game over but that you're not used to failing so once failure approaches man it's just game over but i was so used to failing i was like fucking bay blades dude let it rip that's the best you know what i'm saying yeah and i i mean dude i remember first

day on the big field i was playing first base joe was playing second and i drew a penis that went from first base all the way to second base and i was like dude we're gonna crush it here was it based off anyone you knew or someone you met at the rest area no coach was just like hey this is the big field boys put your big boy pants on i was like all right put your big penis in the field yeah i was like check this out bro no it's awesome i uh yeah man like i mean i dude i played high school baseball i played college baseball for like a little bit but like i mean i evolved more than a lot of those kids who were studs in little league so i was like you know what fuck it man like it is what it is who'd you play for uh first year at cumberland jack jack diaz no i didn't um wait for high school jv oh no we had coach matt dude and then jack diaz

no you never had jack said coach jack is in like the umpire yeah yeah no he was uh after i okay yeah because he too played for him yeah shout out to tyler he too by the way we had a jv coach who uh i mean funny guy he was just like stoned all the time he just hit like 10 grounders and then be like all right practice let's eat doritos yeah that's all it was man you must have liked that no dude i just got worse everyone got worse and then you played varsity then we played varsity yeah for murph yeah we had murph it's fucking hilarious man he just tells you how it is. He's like, hey, play other sports. Fucking enjoy your life.

It's going to suck later. And Dale O'Dell? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Dale was kind of like just like a genius when it came to the game. Like he knew every situation. Yeah. But, yeah, man, I'm happy I had those guys as coaches.

Right. Because I don't think I'd play if I had a different coach. And then you went to Johnson & Wales. No, then I went to URI. I got my tits back. I was like, I can't do this. You know, like, I'm not in a frat. I'm not playing sports anymore.

And when I was in high school, like, I had a few offers. So, like, I just kind of, like, turned them down. I don't know what it was. I was just like, yeah, like, I don't want to play at the turned them down I don't know what it was uh I was just like yeah like I don't want to play at the next level like I know what it's going to be like yeah I'd rather just go to college you know enjoy my life yeah go to URI like it's something I can afford went there dude they had chicken nuggets that were like the same ones from McDonald's no that's not good for you unlimited swipes dude i would just go they didn't have any salads

uh they did man but they just weren't uh it was just too like i was just too tempted to have the chicken nuggets man like once you go like you just can't turn back so did you just do sweat pants every day or like dude i had a girlfriend i had a wicked hot girlfriend um what yeah that's what i said how'd that happen i don't even know man like back then dude i was just getting a bunch they called escorts i think yeah i think she just felt bad for me and you know she probably just wanted like a safe guy i think that she was you were probably a experiment for her in psychology yeah no she was writing a paper about you and yeah he wiped his mouth today and yeah i think it was a psychology project no doubt

about it more like a harvard experience yeah that wasn't girlfriend so like freshman year dude i had a i had a girlfriend in college and you know we were banging so i was just like you know like this is it you know i got butt nugs and like you know a girlfriend like what more can you ask for that should have been it dude i remember one day we broke up and i remember i was taking a shit and i just started crying like because the shit was so good no it was so bad oh like i was so out of shape and so like mentally torn i was just taking a dump and i'm like dude what have i become it was like one of those moments, dude. And I just teared up. Took like a whole thing of toilet paper to recoup.

That's disgusting. Dude, right on the spot, it's called Idris. I'm like, yo, I got to get out of here. He was like, hook me up, dude. Went to Framingham State. I was like, I'm going here. They were like, yo, dude, the coach Mike Gedman, used to coach at Bryan.

He was like, come on down, bruh. Gedman's great. Yeah, dude. I was like, come on down, bro. Yep. Gedman's great. Yeah. Dude, I was pretty much accepted there, but you or I didn't send my transcript. So I showed up there the first day, and they're like, you can't be here. You don't have eligibility. A brain. Yeah.

They were like, get the fuck out. You belong at Shutter Island. So I had to go back. Dude, I had nowhere to go. Wait, wait, wait. Back up a second i want the record to show that you were expelled from framingham state i was your dog right there yeah got into framingham state yeah he got accepted at framingham state no but like in all in all seriousness like i

was uh thank god i didn't go like first all, the place is a shithole. You know what I mean? It's a high school. Yeah, it's a high... Dude, I didn't even know where the fuck I was. I was just so desperate. I was like, dude, if you're going to accept me... That's on you.

Yeah. Yeah. They're not thinking straight. Dude, if you can just play athletic sports like that without trying out, without doing anything... That's Idris. Yeah. Coach E. If you said to Coach e i like alabama

alabama a and t you have a spot and dude you're in yeah so what did you end up doing i didn't even i went for a tour with gedman he was like yeah man we'll have you on the team as a pitcher i'm like cool man like showed me like what the workouts are i just wanted to work out i just wanted to run and like lose my tits good for you and uh did you ever have a shit like that again no dude i remember um they were like yeah like it's too late like you can't come here or whatever and uh there's just like this giant shit show and i was like okay like because you or i wouldn't send my grades in time and i was just like okay i can't go back to you or i can't go to framingham Now I have to do something with my life. Went to CCRI.

That's when I called Odell. I'm like, yo, bro. You know, I need help. I called Idris. I'm like, dude, it's fucking over. And Odell made one phone call because his son is basically like a fucking living legend. Played for CCRI.

Called Ken Hopkins, who's a fucking legend. I have no idea how he got me on. You're naming baseball royalty and dude they like they just added me as a pitcher i think i was like number 19 on the depth chart but i still made it was bogey there remember bogey was there dude do you know how many fucking studs play for ccri the they go there because they don't have the grades yet yet yeah as soon as you go to ccri you learn the study skills and you get your foundation and it's a great sports school and then nobody cares where you started they care where you finish

and then coach e gets these guys and coach hopkins was telling me he had hooks at bridgeport sienna university of hartford guys playing d1 all over the place um once they started out at uh at ccri yeah and i love when coach vige coach vijant and hopkins would go down south and they would come back with like a dozen Dominican players all living in Providence with their wives and kids and Salve would play CCRI in a scrimmage every year

and there'd always be a hundred baseball players and then when Salve went down to Florida CCRI would be in one of the back fields and I'd go over and see Hoppy before he retired great program terrific program and their basketball program's the same way john it's like a feeder system for yeah the moral of the story is i didn't belong there like the only reason i

made the team was because of odell that's great it's just word of mouth man like yeah take a shot on this kid you see those kids and you're dude, these kids are way fucking better than I am. I have no idea why the fuck I'm here. I mean, yeah, like I had my moments. Maybe if I actually like, you know, put my heart and soul into it, maybe I'd have another moment. But like, I was just like, what the fuck am I doing? This is all desperation. Did you get in shape?

Yeah. That's the key. I got in shape, but Ken was still kind of like, dude, like, you know, you got to lose more weight if you want to be a pitcher or whatever. And I would have been better off just hitting. Yeah. One day in the – dude, because I fucking – I had the yips, man. Like, I hadn't played in a while. Yeah.

I had just played rugby, gotten tits, and now I'm trying to play college baseball at a legitimate program. You need tits to play rugby. Yeah. And, dude, I just, like, had the yips the yips man and like uh couldn't really throw a strike and then one day i was like fuck it man like can i just hit in the cage and i was hitting against like legitimate like like a one two and three and i was actually hitting the ball oh that's with your swing man you get a hold of one yeah man it was just kind of like maybe if i could go back maybe it would have been smarter to actually be like a position player and hit instead of being a pitcher man because if you look at

pitchers dude like especially nowadays man you gotta have something special well the one thing i noticed at that level uh obviously d1 d2 but even d3 and ccri the hitters you either hit or you don't hit. There's no, oh, he's okay at hitting. There's no, he's a good fielder. Every kid that's out in the field can hit the ball, mash the ball. And then some of the pitchers, you've got guys like Lynchie who are now sidearm. You've got Rockefeller who's coming from the other side. Lynchie and Rockefeller are basically unhittable with that slider.

So you have these power pitchers, but now you have these junk. So if you could have a drop down with your velocity, you'd be making a paycheck today in baseball. But you needed that focus and guidance that somehow between you or I and Framingham State would have worked out great with Getty. Yeah, I don't know, man. Like, I don't, I'm kind of happy the way things panned out. Oh, yeah, always does. Like, I'm happy I'm doing comedy now.

I'm just kind of like, I ended up playing rugby after that and I enjoyed rugby a bunch. And the reason I enjoyed rugby, dude, is just because it's like, it's like you reach that moment where you're like, I've tried pretty much. Like, I tried. You know what I mean? Like, it didn't work out with baseball. But, like, I still made an attempt. And then once I played rugby, it's like, dude, rugby is literally just like you go out on a field and it's like, all right, boys. Oh, this is it.

Oh, there's no. There's no. There's no. I don't know where you stand here. You either can take a hit or you can't take a hit. There is intelligence involved. Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. But, like, the thing that – the reason I loved rugby

and I don't regret it at all is just, like, baseball, there's so many stats, dude. I mean, you're looking at everybody's ERA. You're looking at batting average. And, like, some coaches, like, only take that stuff into consideration. But with rugby, dude, it's like beautiful day out to fucking kill someone. Like, let it rip. Like, that's literally all it is.

If I catch you, I will kill you. Yeah. If I can catch you. And that's all I wanted to do, man, was just, like, kind of run around, get in shape. And, like, I mean, I've always been, like, a big boy. You know what I mean? Like, if I could have gone back legitimately from high school, I would have played football.

No, why didn't you play football? Because I just had mashed knees, dude. Oh, yeah. My knees were mashed. That's why I stopped playing basketball. That's why baseball kind of came around. But, like, realistically, man, I could have easily played Division III football and had a good time.

Oh, yeah. Just had mashed knees, man. You know what I mean? But, dude, I mean, I'm happy the way it panned out like i mean here i am like if i if i didn't if this didn't happen i wouldn't have found comedy or like i wouldn't have this podcast like a lot of things wouldn't have come in no it's always meant to be now what drives you to work out every day at the high school just that you don't want to be fat anymore just low self-esteem yeah that's all it is yeah and do you do the same workouts every day you mix it up no i mix it up yeah i just do like high intensity stuff yeah you know what i'm saying like i don't believe in like long distance running is a lot of it um psychological as well as physical because i

find when i don't walk because i can't run anymore with my knees and my back and stuff. I'm old. I'm basically take me out and shoot me. So I walk where nobody can beat the crap out of me, like on a basketball court. But if I don't, I miss it psychologically to get all that out. Yeah, dude. There's been times where I've injured my ankle playing basketball or something and I wasn't able to run. And I just go fucking insane.

Yeah. I'm like, if I can't just get out there, get some fresh air. Yeah. Get a good workout in. Yeah. I just fucking go nuts. And that's what bugs me most about having the Tucker Field locked. People are trapped like rats during this virus dude people are outside

anyway i know i went to diamond hill state park to run i did polls today and there's like 100 people there and lincoln woods is the same way until they you know gina closes that it doesn't make sense but i mean yeah i'm one of those people where like if if i can exercise, I'll just go insane because I've been doing it my whole life. Like that's the only way I can cope with everything else. Yeah. Like what else are you going to do? That's why like, you know, like imagine being someone who just never played sports. Yeah.

Can you even wrap your head around that? No. Because I, John, I was heavy growing up because I ate mixing bowls of cereal. Yeah. And weighed 185 freshman year of high school, but big. Yeah. And weighed 185 senior year of high school, but a total body transformation. And so I have to work out or I'll weigh 320 pounds.

I love food. I'm not giving up food. Yeah. And that's not going to happen. So I have to work out both mentally and physically i'm not a triathlete but i just like to get out and be active yeah i mean like um yeah i mean people have like their own way of coping with things but for me it's just like if i'm gonna make dick jokes you know what i'm saying and just be like this really weird guy like i need other things to support that oh

yeah like i can't just be a bum no you could either use drugs or you can use your body or you can use your mind or yeah but i mean i'd rather just do this stuff and like you know just i mean dude like if if i'm out there on the track man it's a good day you know oh yeah no doubt about it i watch you i see you and it's a good day. Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. I watch you. I see you. And it's sad because I never see anyone there besides you, maybe some old guy. And that's it, man. You know who was showing up is that kid that played football at Cumberland High School, the linebacker,

played at Springfield College, set records. Oh, Nick Giorgio? Beast. Yeah. Beast. So I'm walking the track one day, and I'm watching this kid. He's with a defensive lineman or an offensive lineman and they're doing technique moves so after i got done i went over and said you know dude i've been watching you this whole time you're killing me he's like oh i'm nick george i

said oh i know you and he had just got cut from the saints yeah and uh i told him i'd pray for him and you know try to get you know hopefully he would get an xfl deal that kid's dedicated and he just needs a break sometimes you just need a break in life you know with comedy you look at the comedians that are on netflix you can watch that hour show and not laugh twice yeah and you're like this person has an hour show on netflix they're not funny you just need a break you just need an opportunity man and you're like this person has an hour show on netflix they're not funny you just need a break you just need an opportunity man and you can't fuck it no i'd rather be lucky that kid fucking works his tits off and that's i mean that's what i gotta do more is like actually fucking i mean i'm doing it now but be consistent with actually working hard because i mean now i'm

working harder because previously i wasn't working right that's exactly right you know what i'm saying because like a lot of people they'll be in college and they'll work their tits off and then they just they just stop no uh comedians because i used to work at a comedy club back in the 80s periwinkles in providence i saw some of the greatest comedians stephen right and uh you know janine garofalo was there when she first went on stage her friends she was there for an open mic night open mic night and her friends told her uh her friend was getting up and then her friends told her you get up you're funny and she'd get up and now she was on saturday night live and she's been in movies and um and uh you gotta you gotta bust balls you gotta get on

the road you gotta drive up to lowell and do some high school comedy show. You've got to haul ass down the Cape and do some bar. The next day, you've got to be in Narragansett doing a show. And this isn't waiting by the phone. And you've got to take chances. You've got to take risks. You've got to become who you are. it's ever evolving you you have to sleep next door to a tape recorder because you're gonna come up with some funny bit and you're not gonna want to lose it uh you're not gonna

want to write it down you're gonna want to record it in your phone yeah that's all it is man it's just kind of like failing yeah well and then sometimes you just catch a break and it's like. No doubt about it. And yeah, I've done plenty of shows in front of people that like I know that like I respect and not done well. But to me, it's like. It's important. If you're going to be a comedian at this level. And if you think that you're going to get accolades, quit right now.

Yeah. Expect crickets. Then when you do get laughs, you're like, I killed it. Yeah. Yeah, man. I think, dude, I think bombing is like hilarious. Oh! Like, if you're a comedian, like if I see one of my friends bombing, dude, it's the funniest thing in the world. Like, I'm laughing my fucking tits off better than me yeah like but i mean that's what makes it fun

dude like it's just like uh i just like it man and and comedians are the toughest audience for a comedian because the way they pay a compliment to you is they don't laugh they go to you that's good yeah oh john that bit that was good yeah like if you that's their compliment to you yeah if you do get an open mic no i mean if you make a comedian laugh like you you've done the impossible just retire but like i've been the mics where it's like i'm telling jokes i'm like none of these are working but then afterwards someone's like i really like your stuff exactly okay and you gotta think about the crowd because uh if you get a saturday night crowd versus a sunday night crowd it's different than a wednesday night crowd so a lot of these crowds you have no say in the matter you're going to this place i don't know who's here you get the dick

dishwasher you get the couple on the first date yeah especially in providence you got the bachelorette party yeah you know and you just wing it and you go you're doing it you know you're just doing your thing yeah i mean like the other thing i've been thinking about recently is like dude i'm doing i've been doing comedy shows in providence rhode island which is essentially kind of a shithole it's not an easy place to do it no there's no easy place yeah i mean there are you know there are like preferable venues like i mean if you go to boston you're doing like the shows are i mean technically bigger in boston um but like i mean dude think about it like if i went down south to do a show in Missouri, not a lot of comics are like aspiring to do that.

And the people are obviously going to be very different. Yeah, no doubt about it. You're not going to be doing subway jokes in Tuscaloosa. Yeah. I mean, I think Providence is not an easy place. No, it's very. So if you are successful in providence yeah you've done something then compared to uh you know burlington vermont you know and now john what's happening with

comedians and you must you'll see this if you haven't yet is you can't do a lot of uh off-color tough classic uh racist or disparaging you're only kidding i'm a comic i'm joking you know i don't mean i don't feel this about a handicapped person in a in a wheelchair but uh jerry seinfeld and a lot of comedians won't do colleges anymore they've said no way yeah because these audiences are like oh you i was offended by that divorce joke and he's like what's it talking to you yeah no it's i mean so it's uh you're just gonna do your thing yeah nobody does colleges anymore but yeah yeah man regardless of the crowd i'm just gonna do my thing oh yeah and if you're serious about comedy you move to la you move to new york that's what you do so when you're ready

when you're ready obviously you're ready yeah I think you're ready financially now no you live in the truck yeah you know and then you make it

what happens if it breaks down I could see you on a movie Super Troopers 9 or something like that I could see me in a movie with like one role oh you'd be classy

not even saying anything just giving like a facial expression you'd be smiley yeah and you'd have to I'd be like that guy in the background who they just flashed to after like a weird event happens so great yeah you get a lot of money for that i'd fucking kill it dude but uh i mean dude you're like an older not an older guy i mean you're like in good shape i'm ancient what was it like

growing up for you like would you listen to like soling stones just like so my i was the youngest of five so i got to listen to whatever my brothers and my sister listened to. So they were all into rock and roll. Disco was coming in the late 70s, and they didn't listen to disco, so I never caught on to that. So they listened to rock and roll, and they went to concerts.

And I remember my first concert was Boston at the Providence Civic Center. More than a feeling? Yeah, unbelievable. They were so popular back then. was boston in the at the providence civic center like more than a feeling yeah unbelievable yeah they were so popular back then that song's the fucking shit that album is incredible yeah and uh then i went to jethro tull and the rest is history but when we were growing up john there i sound like uh get off my lawn guy but but there was no PlayStation and anything like that, and we couldn't come home from school and sit in front of the TV.

First of all, my mother was like, who are you and what are you doing here? So we went outside, and in the fall, we played football. In the winter, we played basketball or friends of mine played hockey or whatever, but I used to shovel off the basketball court i grew up in seakonk and i would go to north school and just shovel off the uh the basketball court or we would play pond hockey at brown's pond and then baseball in the spring and then the summers were great because there was no aau there was no all-stars there was no summer was beach you know some kid

had a pool we went there yeah and john we were outside all the time there was still the fat kid of course it was kid was born fat whatever but for the most part we were outside and active and i think society has just gone down the other way where you have all these kids that are just sitting in front of fortnight for six hours and they're still consuming the same calories and fat grams with nothing coming out yeah so when you do have these athletes they really shine but you know john to play baseball, I'll just say Division III, it's 40 hours a week. Yeah.

And some of these kids are committed to it, and they say, I'm ready to go. Then you've got these other kids, and I have all the respect in the world. They're like, you know what? I played baseball. I had a great high school career. I'm good. Yeah.

And that's fantastic. uh were you like all about the full bush my own i got a brazilian early and i went to dick's barber shop over here does he just cut dicks or does he do heads and mustache but like back in the day what was it uh was it full bush full bush and jeans with some converses oh yeah no doubt about it that's a dream oh yeah no it was uh the 70s were then it got into the girls having full bush and underarm hair walk around the east side of providence full underarm hair and some of the italian girls have thicker mustaches than i do so it was uh the 70s were the best by far holy shit yeah dude that's fucking hot it is it was

what uh what was porn like they just had like the cassettes porn was when we were out in the woods hanging out of playing war or whatever you'd run across these old magazines that were like, you know. Playboy? Yeah, somebody left them out there. Hustler or Playboy or whatever. And looking back on it, it was kind of pretty gross maybe sometimes. But the girls were the girls. It was the same.

I think the porn before that was probably disgusting. I don't know, man. Like I saw an 80s porn dude and i pretty much filed for bankruptcy like that stuff's good compared to the stuff they have now those guys invented it yeah uh dude 80s porn's where it's at but i don't know man like i'm you know what is it 2020 right now yeah like dude i'm still listening to boston you know oh it things come full circle um i guess good fucking music man like i feel like if i grew up in the 80s i would have fucking crushed it so i suggest the who okay put on quadrophenia

put on who's next put on led zeppelin 4 yeah dude acdc baby i mean that that's after. They learned from The Who and Led Zeppelin. But listen to not so much The Rolling Stones, in my opinion. He was more, they're okay. But to me, it was The Who, Led Zeppelin, and then listen to Pink Floyd. Unbelievable rock and roll. Just pure. No synthesizers. No computers.

Now today, you hear a song on WPRO-FM. There's no instruments. There's nobody playing the guitar. They just set up a... Yeah, if you put on Led Zeppelin, bro, I'll drive through a Super Bowl. Oh, I'm telling you. It's insane.

It is. But that's... I mean, things change, though. mean things change though so like dude like my mom's old so i grew up listening to like old fucking shit like my mom dude she'll play meatloaf oh it's classic you know what i'm saying like paradise by the dashboard light i found this thing on fate on youtube the other night when I was watching the Johnny Salami podcast on YouTube, catch it brought to you by, uh, Jay's deli, uh, is,

um, the contemporary youth orchestra out of Cleveland playing, fooling yourself with Tommy Shaw from sticks. Oh, really? Find it, play it, crank it on YouTube.

Dude, sticks. I'll play that if you watch acdc live at the river plate oh dude yes dude yeah that's better than any pump up music around yeah i was never a fan of rush and that drummer that just passed away but they tell me that that was classic rock and roll okay i'm not yeah but acdc and uh and those uh i think metallica set the tone yeah for the heavy metal and and metallica did such an incredible thing by making it mainstream you know when mariona rivera would come out to enter sandman oh dude that literally put metallica on the mainstream stage people are still bumping it in gyms oh and so you were talking about rock and roll so sometimes i'll put on a rock and roll list to to to walk to or or uh last night michael jackson okay i started with thriller

unbelievable movie uh unbelievable um album yeah and video you got to see the video for thriller the actual the music video and it came out in around 1985 86 we'll say i think 85 84 85 that the video came out on mtv where mtv used to be videos yeah and uh that video became like the most watched video in a very short time but watch michael jackson and ola ray in the thriller video yeah because what happened in the 80s is it wasn't the song it wasn't the album the video it was the video on mtv so it took it from albums that my brothers and sister used to buy yeah to eight tracks and cassette and then it became mtv yeah and today back then now it's just like today it's just you buy it on your phone. No MTV is.

I think it's. Oh yeah. I don't know if it's still around. It is. It's like TV shows. Yeah. You know it's not music videos. It's like reality TV. And today you know it's like Spotify.

And you make your own playlist or whatever. Yeah. But back when I was a kid. If you wanted an album. If you wanted Back in in black you had to buy the album that was like i'm gonna still do that though they'll still go to uh you know stores and buy them they're coming back i have a turntable yeah i have a turntable and uh those are coming back as like before it all comes full circle john yeah it's just i mean like nowadays though it's

2020 dude like if if i'm driving around in my flame truck dude and i got thunderstruck blasting you know oh yeah in a jean jacket and i lower the window and say how you doing ladies you gotta roll up a pack of marlboro in your white t-shirt yeah and you'll be fighting the the 70 year old ladies off yeah dude there's always that option you you oh like some moms no doubt grandmothers yeah you could go off to the gilf that'd be you probably in a few weeks honestly with this whole thing going on what thing the virus what virus you're talking about yeah john this is insane it's all the virus blew it out of proportion oh yeah it is let's go

i mean i'm still doing the same stuff. You know what I'm saying? You think it has to do with the election, though? It has to do with, first of all, China knew about this longer than they ever told anybody. Yeah. So those rat bastards held on to this and never told a soul until they had to.

And then, of course, it went around the world. Italy took it for, they were like, oh, it's not that bad. And now look how many people it's killed in Italy. And then it came from here. It would have been worse if Trump didn't shut the borders off because people were flying around the world. There was a guy who had gotten a test about a month ago. He got a test.

It was positive. He got on a Jet blue flight to florida yeah so that stupidity set us back and then they they know a lot more about this virus and it doesn't last long you got to kill it with wipes and alcohol and that stuff and social distancing is important at this time because you got these people that are sick and it's easily transferable yeah it can be on you and things like that but you've got this other faction of people that hate donald trump and they just want all of this to fail they want the economy to fail they want people as in voters are like the democrats the democrats yeah the left the aoc AOC and Bernie and those guys. I don't follow politics, but when I see Pelosi, dude,

she just looks like that chick who, like, you know, like shuts down intramural sports early. She is the type of lady that reminds me of you're at a makeout party and she's the mom that comes down and flicks the light on and says, you know, I'm calling all your parents. That's a good one. She reminds me of the chick when you go to bed bath and beyond and you ask if there's any omelet makers she tells you no and to make your own omelets when there is omelet makers yes because she doesn't know where they are exactly so she just doesn't know dismiss it

yeah no pelosi uh you know first of all you shouldn't trust her because she's got a penis. That's the first thing. So she's not to be trusted. You think a penis or like a chode? No, she's got a dick full. Like a schlong. Oh. Like a fucking wanker.

Oh, dude. Like how big? Nine. Nine? Oh, yeah. That's big talk. No, she's bad for business. So I don't mind the other alternative thinkers.

It would be a pretty boring world if we all thought alike. But to try to sabotage us as a country, it's not going to happen. Trump and his boys are too good. They're like the patriots of politics. as a country it's not gonna happen trump and his boys are too good yeah they're about to do it they're like the patriots of politics yeah i mean america is just like a massive clit oh yeah like you just gotta stimulate it oh yeah dude he's gonna do that it's the man in the boat yeah you just gotta uh yeah i mean you can either you know you can look avoid it yeah you can try to find the clit which most dudes can't you know they can't figure out where it is yeah trump knows

exactly where it is. He put it there. He's going to give it a little ding. You'll hear a bell ringing every time. You think it's an angel getting their wings? It's Trump flicking a clit. That's what it is. Dude, we got to make shirts now that say flicking a clit.

Johnny Salami. Flicking dat clit. Brought to you by Jay Stelly. With an arrow pointing down john you can get um merchandise right in china right now no you don't want to make anything in china ourselves dude china makes diseases and uh they kill um protesters yeah man i wouldn't want to live in china no you don't want to protest in hong kong i don't think i want to live in China. No. You don't want to protest in Hong Kong. I don't think I want to protest in general. No.

I'm pretty content without protesting. John, I've often said that. My wife and I, for $10,000, would not go stand and hold a sign. Yeah. Dude, I don't even vote. You should vote. Why? Because it's your right.

What if I can't narrow it down it's your just vote for trump doesn't make any sense yeah there's no rationale behind that what if trump fucks everything he's the best i have that you know i have the greatest he's the greatest he i will say that he's good only because i follow the market and the market's been doing great. And what Trump did, in my opinion, is that he flipped Washington on its ass. Those people were down there for 40 years, 30 years, 35 years, and they got nothing done, both Republicans and Democrats. He goes down there, he runs it like a hotel. You either perform or you're're gone and he's knocked down all these barriers he's gotten people back to work and his comments while extremely offensive yeah are

hilarious they're hilarious so i treat him as they're friggin hilarious when he did the um search that video yeah you'll laugh out loud no i do i laugh at him like i definitely think he's got you know definitely has some issues but it's still hilarious like from a comedy perspective it's fucking hilarious no doubt about it so i'll take his jobs program and his america first where he treats the military the police and the fire like the kings that they are yeah and the queens that they are they're treated with respect and honor while he's busting nbc's balls i'm in i'm way in yeah because those people cnn they don't report the truth they don't yeah i mean who knows though dude they lie the thing with me is like, dude, I just don't have enough energy to put anything into that.

I thought the same thing when I was your age. So don't feel like you're not normal. At some point, wife, kids, dog, which scares the shit out of me that you're going to have a kid looking at you like, what are we doing next? Yeah. That scares me it should but you will start to read the the business page and the sports page and porn and all that stuff you're gonna have to keep porn in your life with a wife yeah you're gonna have to that's what i'm thinking yeah you're not gonna be able to get rid of that porn is always going to be in the top three

four i mean i think it's always going to be number one it gets expensive like dude i'm constantly spanking and like dude yeah that'll change because your wife will walk in on you dude i haven't had sex in almost two years now and i'm a fuck was that with somebody with even just like an object. I can I make a suggestion? Just go on one of those dating sites. Just say it like it is. I just have too much pride.

No. Do you care? Think about what we've been talking about. Right. So we've been talking about sports, classic've been talking about sports classic rock like old school classic rock right yeah when you combine all this together with comedy dude that's what i'm looking for bro like i'm looking to just drive around in my flame truck blast an acdc go into a comedy show and then just finding some clam there but it's dude it's hard that limits no you got to go on

these dating sites and do what dude be like hey what's up my name is john i'm just looking for sex the bells will be that you'll get more people you'll have to list them out you'll have to put them in categories yeah i could run into some trouble though why. Why? How? I don't know. Maybe with the legal system, like prostitution. You say it's a bad thing. You think I'd get any matches? If I went to Match.com and I put up a picture, just like a screenshot of me on the podcast right now, and I was just looking for some clam, do you think I could actually get some? No doubt about it.

Because there's a woman out there right now holy shit that has a bet with her friends that i can have sex with a mentally retarded kid yeah who doesn't smile and she sees your picture and she's like oh girls come here look look at this one i think he's drooling so she's you're gonna check one of her boxes while you're checking her box see it works both ways so you think it's just the algorithm that's gonna really play no doubt about it she's gonna look at you and she's gonna be pig sticking and you're gonna look at her and you're gonna use her she's gonna use, and neither one cares. It's America. It's how this country was formed. Dude, I did that on Tinder, though, right?

Yeah, how'd that work? Dude, I never got a match. Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Pretty sexual pictures, dude. I put a picture of me gazing off into the sunset, dude. Kind of flexing my tricep with my nipples out, dude.

Not even one match to go back to your dog for a second i pretty much guarantee you if we did a profile for your dog he would get laid by sunday night by another dog on t. Maybe. I would not tell anybody that you were OFA on Tinder. I would not share that with anybody. Sure. Tinder? I'll try it out, dude. But, dude, match costs a bunch of money.

Dude, I just have too much pride. I don't think I can do it. No, you have to do it. And you have to say it like it is. Look, this is the way it's going to go. How should I write it, though? Just, yo, just looking for some puss? In all caps lock?

If you do a dick pic. Yeah, that's not going to happen. So you do a dick pic. This is where the legal complications come into play. What? What's offensive about a dick pic? Isn't that like sexual harassment? No, you're on a match site with a dick pic. So if you put up a dick pic right now. Yep. harassment no you're on a match site so if you put up a dick

pic right now yep on facebook yep as your profile picture and say this right here is my dick he's looking for somebody uh what do you got what's going on what's happening and then you sit and wait and the the floodgates will open up and you'll be you'll have to you'll have to hire an intern to sort out the the men and women that respond dude you'll get a lot of men i hope you don't mind first of all if you did that people would have legitimate aneurysms like you'd be putting people's lives in jeopardy second of all there would be a legitimate riot that i would be a part of yes i would create a facebook group called rioting dick pic rioters for i saw that on the commercial for facebook

no you you haven't tried that right with that said that would be hands down no competition the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life you it's not funny this is real life we're talking about this is not a comedy bit this is this is my dick what do you got let's talk should i fluff it up a little bit, though? Completely erect? Or is it kind of like just like a window? No, you don't want it just sitting there watching a TV show. You want it like ready to go.

So I should fluff it up a little bit? I would have. Or just completely erect? Like just had beet juice? No, because then you're going to scare some people off. They'll think it's offensive like a like a pit bull like rabid pit bull yeah you need it like you kind of you don't need it dead either because they're gonna be like oh now i'm gonna get this thing alive i don't have time for that so you want it almost

ready to go it's like um when you take a steak off the grill it still cooks a little bit so you want to have that uh you know maybe more than a little bit more than 50 ready to go yeah but i think you should try it i think you should do ask your audience what they think about it yeah a little um you haven't tried it right no then you gotta try i mean when we were at the track i was watching some lady try to hop the fence and she like slammed her clit against the fence oh and that kind of got me a little hard oh so that's what we're talking about though in terms of depth oh yeah better i'll probably just try to visualize that moment again yes and then just then i'll you know

keep putting you could get um in porn movies they have the fluffer okay you could get the fluffer to come over yeah you know use one of your boys as a fluffer but i uh i i truly believe that you haven't tried this and what do you have to lose that's a good question i mean you might meet mrs right wouldn't that be a wonderful story to tell your kids daddy tell me the story about how you met mom oh and you'd have to bring up the dick pic you could show them the dick pic just make a sitcom how i met your cock and then you could have the the spin-off how I Met Your Clit. Oh, that'll generate some serious revenue. You're going to have to start writing episodes,

and you're going to have to quit your day job. But don't get rid of that truck, whatever you do. I mean, dude, you just got to make sacrifices. That's what Seinfeld did. That's what all the greats have done. I think I'm going to have to take some notes after this. Probably get my mom a phone call, and then we'll go from there. You need to run it by your mom.

She'll probably be like, yeah. Because her friends at work are going to see this, and they're going to point it out to her. They're going to say, hey, this is so familiar. I mean, my mom will probably be like, yeah, you should probably get out more. Her friends are going to show her the pic. They're going to be like, do you know this? And your mom's going to be like, I know that. Yeah. should probably get out more she's gonna her friends are gonna show her the pick uh they're gonna be like do you know this and your mom's gonna be like i know that yeah and then she's

gonna cry but you're gonna get action john and then you won't have to make that statement that it's been two years what are you a priest i don't get it yeah i don't know two years dude i just have too much pride in like... No, look at you. That's your first mistake right there. Dude, I am though. Serious. We got to get serious. On a serious note, I am a firm believer in like you can't have it all.

You know what I'm saying? Like comedy, sex, relationship, work, mental stability. Like that's not all. No, but, mental stability. That's not all going to be there. No, but today. Yeah. Tinder, Bumble, Match, FatMilf.com. Is that really one?

Pathetic woman who would fuck anything.net. Don't you think I'd be better off just going to a bar, though? No. No. Is that too much for me? going to a bar though no they would no is that too much for me if you walk into the to a bar she's gonna have to be so bombed to go with you versus on the internet they're not gonna know until they're face to face with you that they made a big mistake once they see it yeah there's no turnabout right and they're like i i'm never gonna to get anybody else tonight, so I'm going to go with John.

It's just the opportunity cost. Exactly. So you already got her, and then hopefully she'll pay for dinner, and then you go to the hotel. It's easy enough. And then it won't be two years. Yeah. Because today, there's a ton of women out there that want to use you.

Maybe not you, but most guys. Yeah. They just want a fucking... They just want a piece of meat to play with. Exactly. And they'll settle for you. Okay. So they can check that box off.

I mean, you're making some really good points that I just can't argue. No. They want to check off, made it with a special guy, and special's in quotes, you know? You are a special guy. Unders in quotes you know you are a special guy underlined to them yeah dude you got some fucking really good points man no i i'm looking out for you yeah i mean that's the best insight i've ever gotten so um yeah but by the way john salami

isn't my cock salami so what you've never heard of like salami nipples before no like women with some big old you know slices no so here's a story right it's my birthday i think it was my 12th yep 12th birthday i'm hanging out with dylan jepson right first mistake yep and uh our moms take us to uh the beach uh wheeler beach uh was it roger william beach yep down in arragansett and uh do we get there and we're like fucking around in the water and i don't know what was wrong with us back then uh i take a mud ball like from the the basement of the ocean yeah just make a mud ball and i start throwing it at this dude who's like banging a chick in the deep in the depths so they're trying to get it on dude like you can see him making out like he's about to insert me and dylan do we just start whipping mud balls and uh like we can't quite reach them you know what i'm saying so like it was landing like right there they were like

where we are and uh finally dude we've made like 20 attempts i think the guy and the girl kind of knew what was happening but they're like oh they won't reach us i just wind up dude fucking throw mud balls hard as i can and it nails this dude in the fucking face. I immediately submerge underwater. Leaves Dylan standing there? Dylan standing there. And he has no idea that I hit this dude in the face. Classic.

Dylan is just fucking around in the water and for some reason wasn't paying attention dude finally he sees what happened and he just belly flops next to this woman who doesn't want to get wet so he belly flops dude water shoots all over this woman and dylan goes underwater so we're both underwater and we're just fucking swimming eventually dude i just run out of breath and i come up and like i give up but dude dylan is in like water that's this deep like three feet of water and he's swimming away as this woman's husband is screaming at him because of the belly flop and he's like walking dude like he's walking in three feet of water like dylan has no idea he's

like oh i'm getting away meanwhile you have this dude who has like legit mud on his face and then you have this fucking old guy who doesn't want to get wet and he's like walking next to dylan screaming at the water and uh that same day i remember remember one guy was like, verbatim, this is where the Johnny Salami comes into play. He was like, yo, I'm about to make a salami sandwich out of that shit. Referring to my nipples. Nice. And that's how like Johnny Salami kind of came into play. I like it. And then I remember I was wicked drunk on my 21st birthday,

and I took a video of me at the bar, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, they call me Johnny Salami, baby. And that really hit it off with the fans. Yeah. So that's where I was thinking, you know what, I'm just going to make a podcast called the Johnny Salami Podcast.

I like it. Yeah. But that was honestly one of the funniest? I'm just going to make a podcast called the Johnny Slumby Podcast. I like it. Yeah. But that was honestly one of the funniest things I've ever seen Dylan do. It's easy to set Dylan up for a crime like that. Yeah. And we were so small, dude. We didn't even realize what we had done. Yeah.

So our moms found out and they made us apologize. Oh my gosh. They were like, we can see you fucking throwing the mud balls. And they made us apologize. Oh, my God. They were like, we can see you fucking throwing the mud balls. We were invited back to Roger Wheeler Beach after that. We had to swim out to the dude and just be like, hey, man, I'm sorry. And he was like, oh, no worries.

Like, what is he going to say to a fucking 13-year-old? Right. It's not like he's going to kick our ass. Beat the crap out of you guys. If I was like my age now, I'd be like, all right. That's awesome. It's an honor to be on the Johnny Sal salami podcast baby yeah so great dude thanks for coming man no it's uh this is gonna be in the top 10 oh dude hands down wedding at least a thousand kids no dude thanks for coming

man i didn't imagine this i didn't even know you wanted to come on i uh was out with uh andrew whalen and tyler he too and they told me that you had a podcast and you have guests and i was like yeah well what why i see john all the time we're like workout buddies at the track and i'm just so honored that you chose me dude i'm happy you came on, man. Where do I send the check? Where do I? Oh, we'll send you a check in the mail. Oh, that's awesome.

I was going to write you one, but I'll take one. Yeah, I'm also going to send you a shirt. Oh, this is. No, man, thanks for coming, though. I appreciate it, John. Great to catch up. I'm proud of you, John.