The Johnny Salami Podcast - Comedian Chris Pennie

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Chris Pennie is a stand up comedian from Massachusetts. In 2012, Chris was a finalist in CMTs Next Big Comic. In 2011, he was a finalist in the Plymouth Rock Comedy Festival and Dick Doherty’s Beantown Comedy Riots as well as being invited to the Laughing Skull Festival in Atlanta and the Boston Comedy festival. Also notably, Chris was a finalist in the Mohegan Sun “Funniest Amateur Comic in New England.”

going up dude listen how old are you like 20s 25 25 i'm 48 yeah we'll live in the same life man yeah oh dude i'm a 75 year old in a 25 year old's body dude i'm gonna be the i'm looking forward to losing it all in the home like not all the money but like just sitting in a home saying anything you want oh yeah dude you would be the funniest old guy like dude i love guys like you and like uh james dorsey and stuff because you're like you guys look like you work for like a hedge fund or you're like super immature thank you thanks like when i see you guys i'm like i want to be like that guy when i'm older because like everyone falls apart at some point oh it's definitely i've been waiting on that i'm hoping hopeful like 30s people are like i'm mature now but dude you guys are just like no you play it

off well though well like listen why why like why grow up yeah i mean everyone's like everyone's hiding it you know what i mean yeah like yeah you guys just you know do a really fucking good job pretending we're adults yeah i mean i don't know i enjoy the shit out of it like you would be hilarious as an old person oh yeah i'm not when do you think like you're gonna start to lose it like 70s ah like it's weird because i do all, I hate everyone. I don't generally like people. I don't like society. Yeah. But I eat super clean. Like, I try to stay healthy.

And all my friends are like, for the one person that hates everybody, you're going to live longer than everybody. Yeah. And you're going to have to put up with everybody for the entire time. I'm like, so I'm fucked. I'm probably, my family usually lives to their 90s. Wow. But they usually like lose it around 82, 85. Yeah.

It's confusing. It's like, dude, if you want to die around your 60s and just go out with a bang, it kind of makes sense. Like after like 70, it's like, what are you? Yeah. You don't really have like a set schedule. Like I was, yeah. after like 70 it's like what do you yeah i don't like i don't really have like a set schedule like i was yeah it's fucking and anything after 60 like tripping could take you down for two years yeah so who like what's the use that sounds horrible but it does sound horrible yeah you know people are like i don't know maybe life you know maybe some joy like being alive well like but like all the things i love to do are like mountain biking like stuff that like i i ride with a lot of guys we went out and rode and a couple of the guys we were riding with were like

just they're they're an exercise let's get our heart rates up and have a great day everybody and i'm like i think i can ride over that rock yeah and just up over it absolutely crashed smashed like i'm not a good yeah i'm a very good crasher i've always been very good at wiping out can you anticipate it or you just i know i'm i know i'm approaching shit that i shouldn't be yeah so i'm always ready to like object myself okay like you'll get people that they become one with the bike like oh man the bike we've achieved oneness i know what it's doing and i'm like fuck this bike if i go to crash i just leave and run into the woods wow and. And I've broken frames. I've broken wheels.

But knock on chair, haven't screwed myself up too bad. Because I don't stay on the bike. I just eject. Dude, have you ever seen Borat? I have seen Borat. Like, I wanted to get into mountain biking a few years ago. And I looked like him at the car dealership when I walked in the bike shop. I was like, yeah, I'm looking for something like the $200 range the 200 range they're like dude you can lick my fucking balls right they're like yeah like cheapest bike we ever was like two grand i'm like dude two fucking

grand two thousand dollars and when you get it you're like it's like a harley it's like oh man this is a nice bike as long as i upgrade everything yeah they're like yeah man like two grand and then like every year or so you have to come by. We'll tune it up for you. I'm like, dude, I went to Walmart, dude. And like, I know their bikes are shit, but I saw this one bike that was like 200 bucks. And I was like, all right, you know, we'll go with it.

And dude, I was in, I was on a trail behind a middle school and I hit this rock that was like covered in bushes like dude i went fucking flying into a tree my forehead was bleeding and i just like call it a day dude but that's but you made a wise investment yeah two hundred dollar bike to go fuck this is better than i'm i'm buying a two thousand dollar bike and hanging it in my room because i will never ride that thing again yeah well like back in the day i used to do the uh the bmx thing yeah so i had a pretty expensive uh bmx bike did you and i was like 300 pounds so i couldn't do any tricks but it was just like the the look of the bike and it was like reliable and stuff you were a poser yeah yeah so

i knew like you know shitty bikes you're gonna break down yeah but walmart bikes like dude the chain breaks so you could be going you could be ped Walmart bikes, like, dude, the chain breaks. So you could be going, you could be pedaling as fast as you can. And the chain just lets go. You just ram your balls on the frame, like you're supposed to just be fine with that, dude. Well, back in BMX days, you had the pad. Oh, the pussy pad?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the one on the handlebars, the one on the crossbar, because they knew the chain was going to break and you're going to smash your balls. Yeah. My neighbor's super into uh like trail riding like he has like his own organization or something and he'll like have kids meet up at the park and they'll go for rides and he he gave me a bike but it was like a it was a medium-sized frame so i look like a fucking giant on this thing dude and that one broke uh and then there was one time where he uh he would paint bikes so he painted my bike for me dude like it looked sick like custom paint job but

he didn't tighten the screws on the front so i'm just going down this hill like the biggest hill in town full speed dude i went up to do a wheelie just the fucking dude though well that's how you learn to maintain a wheelie yeah i was like this is my this is my fault yeah i blamed it on myself i did this i let him paint my bike didn't check anything i mean that's dope thing you're right i'm jealous dude like how much was your bike I have too many five bikes in my condo I have a road bike that I've had forever so that's like a cycle I yeah like a like Tour de France style bike and then I have a couple of mountain bikes and then Wow dude I'm just you don't collect them Wow yeah I mean boy Fox dude on bikes man on bikes what uh

what's the we'll start with the cycle though dude because I mean that must have been pretty pricey ah that was I bought that in 04 so that was that was 26 and 04 2600 so like how many if you were going to go for a ride on that you would go for like a pretty long um yeah i'll do the most i'll do is like 25 i'm not a big like 50 mile 100 mile dude 25 sounds like it but you're cranking along you're doing like 18 19 miles an hour yeah you know what i mean that's just yeah those are those are fun for a while but then you're just like my balls hurt yeah like i don't i never realized i could physically feel my taint i gotta get the fuck off this bike um yeah i've honestly never thought about that until now because you see those guys i mean i've seen a

few nice asses because they wear the spandex dude listen let me let me get this on the record before uh i do not i'm not a onesie i'm not out there in a fucking wrestling bib it's uh wear regular human shorts i don't need anybody to be like wow that guy's circumcised i can see from here uh yeah i'm not yeah i well i mean people uh people say the spandex really helps i mean if i was out there with my big and tall eyes on polo dude probably just fucking fly away listen to people my favorite is like oh you gotta wear the onesie it really cuts down on the wind resistance and it'll help your time meanwhile i'll be like you know what also helps your time pedaling pedaling helps you fuck yeah because they just they want to it's like a my favorite is the motorcycle guys that the only

ride they do is to go to like a dunkin donuts or a honeydew to stand around with other motorcycle guys talking about how long they just spent cleaning their motorcycle to come get a coffee. Those are my boys, dude. You talk shit about those guys? No, no, no, not really. I love them. I'm just kidding. Dude, that's why I go to Dunkin' Donuts.

To see the motorcycles? The car show? The bike show? Yeah. Just to hear their conversations, dude. Did you put that chrome on yourself? I did. I did. Yeah. just to hear their conversations dude did you did you put that chrome on yourself i did i did yeah um i i i'm i torment everybody like my stepfather i have a motorcycle my buddy has a motorcycle we're going for a ride yeah so we show up in jeans and a t-shirt my stepfather comes walking

out he's got the harley shirt har Harley vest, Harley jeans, Harley boots. He comes down. He's like, you guys ready? And I'm like, did you buy the fucking catalog when you left out? And he goes back in the house. And my mother comes out. And she's like, what did you say to him? I'm like, well, I just asked him a question.

She's like, he's in there changing. I'm like, rightfully so. Motherfucker had everything on. If he had Harley underwear on, I wouldn't have been shocked. It was crazy. Dude, so what would you wear if you went... You would wear like that? What, on a motorcycle?

Like flex fit jeans? What do you mean? On a bike ride? On a bike ride. I just wear shorts. Oh, really? Yeah. I thought you were saying you wear like rang...

Flex fit jeans. Yeah. Like skin tight. Like a Columbia sweatshirt. Yeah, you know, I just stop at the Kohl's and I go into the men's work section and I... No, I only ride in Carhartt, man. Imagine seeing me on like a fucking $2,000 cycle like wearing this. Dude, I want to see you coming down one of those true downhill hills.

Just in that. One of the guys I ride with, no helmet. Really? And we stop for cigarette breaks. Yeah. And people that ride with us are like, you guys ride crazy trails. These are dangerous trails. And he's like, yeah, we going.

I'm like whatever yeah i mean dude i have my uh i have like my recreational helmet so i get you i get you i got my at home helmet yeah i get my you know the girls coming over helmet no way dude if i had a motorcycle which dude i would never have i i waited till i was 30 because i'm like i think i'm adult enough to not kill myself on this thing yeah just the friends i have would be like fucking peel out oh my god dude that's here's the thing about like bullying like the people that bullied me as a kid were the people i still hang out with as an adult. Yeah. Like, and they still are, like, like, one of the kids we knew ran from the cops in a car.

And, like, when we finally, like, he got arrested, all this shit, like, he got screwed. When we finally met up with him, one of my buddies goes, man, you're fucked. I'd kill myself. Like, that's my loving friendship with,

like, my friends. It's like, I mean, you shouldn't, but I would. Yeah. But you'd rather have that than somebody who's like, it's okay. It's going to be okay. Yeah, I don't need a back rub. I want somebody to be like, you're absolutely fucked. Yeah.

No, if one of us falls, we mostly complain that now we got to fucking walk this asshole out of here. Like, fully injured, like like should be getting an ambulance it's like dude 20 minutes in his ride now we gotta leave ah unbelievable i get this one day yeah like i watched my friend just destroy his finger like showed he's like oh i think i up my finger and he held it up and the the finger was beside the finger like the joint was completely screwed i almost threw up my buddy like started gagging and he's like i think i'm gonna ride out and we're like can you just pull it back in can you just put it like set it yeah like what are you gonna do we'll tape it up and he's like dickhead yeah are you at like public trails

like oh yeah there's hikers around it's like karen's around. Are you at like public trails? Oh, yeah. There's hikers around. There's like Karens around. Oh, my God. Yeah. I think when I was on stage the other night, I talked about a guy yelling across a field that I should have a mask on. Yeah. I'm like, okay, dude. Have a good day.

Yeah. Dude, I don't know, man. For some reason, I feel like if Karen saw that, she'd be wet, dude. She'd like that. Well, the double finger. Yeah. Deep down, dude, that would mean a lot. Well, because we were doing things that we shouldn't be doing, and then we got hurt from it.

Yeah. Like, she's like, you deserve it. Yeah. Deep down, she's like, it's fucking hot, dude. You know what I mean got hurt from it. Yeah. Like she's like, you deserve it. Yeah. Yeah. I get you. She's like, it's fucking hot, dude. You know what I mean? I love it. Yeah.

What's the male Karen? I don't know if you would see him at a trail. No, he's railing against children on his front lawn. He's probably a stay-at-home father. He's like sweeping the kitchen. Can't actually do any work on the house house but he spends a lot of time cleaning up and like when he's done sweeping he like cleans the broom he goes through each individual

like washes it dries it off alcohol wipes and then he watches like a morning talk show I actually can't even come up with a morning talk show. I was just like, oh, like, no, I don't. I don't know what he did. Is Good Morning America still a thing?

Yeah, but dude, I can't get into biking, man. I would fall all the time. And like, that's fine. But just like the amount of money i would put into it is like well that's yeah it'd be like anything else though it'd be like dirt bike riding or like you have to be willing to like put a fucking shit ton of money into it or just ride shit yeah but then it's just gonna break and i'm just gonna be like super but here's the thing about the expensive shit yeah Yeah. It breaks.

What about like, like Trek bikes? Are those like? I mean, they're, I mean, it's a known, it's a known name. Yeah. But you know, it's like anything. You can get a Trek at Walmart. I don't know if that's true, but you can get like a cheap shit Trek. Yeah. And ride that down the trail and murder yourself.

Or you can get a $5,000 Trek and ride down a trail and trail and murder yourself i was thinking about it like in like a car way like i have a honda accord which like i've never had to uh like repair but like i used to have like a dodge ram and like i could be on the highway dude like the fucking exhaust pipe falls off the engine blows yeah dodge is this big snap type model of a car so i. And the fender just flew the fuck off. Ah, well. Dude, three weeks into having my truck, my fucking exhaust pipe fell off on the highway and almost started a fire.

Like the front? Just fucking... The exhaust pipe literally snapped off, and I just look back, and I just see like a borderline fire starting. That's fantastic. Well well back in the day like when dodgers started the you know the they released that big 18 wheeler looking truck and everybody fell in love with it and then people would put plows on them and the first time you drop the blade the airbags would go on it was fucking hilarious it was so fantastic yeah we

got a little glitch in that we gotta fix that might have made a mistake there yeah these car companies are just like yeah like you might die but bring it in like well we'll take a look at it do you like the recalls they're like you can comment if you want but like if not yeah yeah that's my favorite i've been fixing cars for a long time and the like people this car will be 30 years old. And they're like, I think it's got a recall. I'm like, yeah, it's 29 years old. I don't think it's going to give you an issue today.

The part that we were supposed to be recalling has been changed seven times since the recall was issued. So you're fine, sir. I feel like a pussy in a Honda Accord, but it's whatever, dude. Why? What car would you drive to not feel pussy like? I'm just saying, dude. I feel like a pussy in a Honda Accord, but it's whatever, dude. Why? What car would you drive to not feel pussy like? I'm just saying, dude, you know, like... Do you need a Camaro? Sometimes, dude, if I'm listening to, like, classic rock or something,

I'll imagine me in, like, a fucking Dodge Charger. Just 10 RPMs, dude. You know? I can tell by those words that you are not a car guy. 10 RPMs. Yeah, how many RPMs is like really sweet? 10 is like you cranking it. That's like...

That's like, man, I'm just out here idling with my starter going. Oh, so it would be like it would be like like idling is usually around a thousand like 800 to a thousand rpms so the 10 is very like on your bike on your shitbox walmart bike you can get 10 rpms going uh i just thought about that so is it in thousands generally if it's like one two three it's like times ten so a thousand like yeah i never do i'm so fucking stupid i thought that was like literally like how many rpms listen most yeah nobody knows what any of that shit means that's so funny 10 rpm i'll be cruising at 10 rpms i'm like i don't know if he thinks that's high or low

dude i gotta put that on my LinkedIn profile. I roll about 10 RPMs. But yeah, dude. I mean, you ever think about that? Just fucking. Which part? Just shredding it, dude. And like a fucking Ferrari.

I would do that. Yeah, I'd love that. But here's the thing. I also believe that at any age that I was handed a Ferrari, I'm probably going to die. Because I don't think you should be given a car that you don't drive. Like, if you can afford to buy a full-price Ferrari, that thing should be needing tires every three days. Like, you should be like, hey, what did you do today? Well, I bounced it off a fucking guardrail yeah i think i'm just saying like huge difference if dude if i was in my honda compared to a ferrari i was my honda outside of like a red lobster

okay so and i just put my foot down on the gas like in park all the way down like that wouldn't be that impressive but if i was in like a fucking porsche 911 turbo and did that bitches would be calling dude no dudes would be calling yeah bitcheses would be like, look at this dick. Whether you rev it or not, I think a woman will look at a Porsche, not all, but she'd be like, oh, that's an expensive car. I should get to know that person.

But a guy would be like, dude, rev it. Rev it again. I got one of those buddies who like legit gets hard to like engine sounds. He's like, dude, is that fucking two stroke or four stroke? Papa wheelie, man. Doesn't watch porn, just watches like the dirt bike channel. Like when they hit the jump, he just blows one out. You see him hit that double.

Yeah, man. Maybe I should get one then maybe i should just get a bike i don't know how we went from a red lobster with a ferrari to now you're getting in my head i'm thinking like should i get a bike or a ferrari a motorcycle bike no like a fucking a pedal bike like if you if you're debating on that price gap like that's we live in two different worlds man i bought my honda for like as much as i would have spent on a fucking yeah legit yeah i was like dude here's cash like you don't even have to like but here's the thing you go spend that same money on the bike and you're like now you need they're like do you have a bike wreck like no i just fucking i sold my car to buy this bike this is all i have now yeah they'd be like you've

made some mistakes in your life sir yeah probably dude but i think you should do it i'll back you up yeah i dude when i went in that bike shop this guy literally talked to me like he hadn't talked to anyone in like four years yeah he was like dude like what are you doing this afternoon i'm like dude what the fuck do you want to ride together like do you want to get a coffee dude well until the pandemic bikes weren't big like yeah like the pandemic was like, we all have to stay in. Oh, my God. We all need to buy bikes. And he had this one kid in the back who was like maybe 18, and he looked like he was just done, like with life.

He's shackled to a bike stand in the back. He's just in the back. He's like, dude, what can I do for you, man? I'm like, dude, do you want me to get you out of here? I came in to buy a bike two years ago, and this guy never let me leave. Don't get the coffee with him. Yeah. So that's how it goes down, though.

You just meet up with the boys. You're like, we're going to shred it today. That sounds very – no, not really. I mean, I'll ride by myself. Or, like, all of us work fucking ridiculous jobs, too. So it's like, hey, you around Sunday? No. So, yeah, whatever.

I'll ride by myself it's i've i've crashed alone and like at one point i went down and i was like i think i just broke my fucking ankle and i literally jumped up got on the bike and started pedaling as fast as i could for the exit figuring i'll at least ride as far as i can for adrenaline hopefully i'll make it to a main trail where somebody can find me and that's me making adult decisions like that's you're just like casually like yo i think it's broke i definitely like i heard it pop i was like holy fuck i think i broke my ankle grabbed grabbed the bike, and started riding again. Made it to the entrance and was like, I don't think it's broken. It was like ballooned twice its size.

I was like, I don't think it's broken. And I turned around and went back in the woods, kept riding, and met my buddies to ride the next day. They're like, is your ankle still fucked up? I was like, oh, I showed them. They're like, oh my god, dude, that's gross. But it's like, well, I could be dead tomorrow. That's so fucking funny, dude. Shit like that. Dude, that's gross but it's like well i could be dead tomorrow that's so fucking funny dude sure like that dude that's how i used to be when i was younger i just had well like i still am now i just have no emotion dude when i was like 14 i had my finger between a

van door and this dude just fucking slammed the door as hard as he could on my finger dude i literally didn't like even budge but like a single tear rolled down my eye like that was you screaming as loud as possible just to say do you just straight face just a single tear rolls down my eye but that's the thing like that's like that'll get you out of so many messes because somebody be like i'm gonna fucking kick your ass and you just go all right and then they're like later we're gonna meet up and i'm gonna do that but you should go think about your day yeah i've never been in a fight so that makes sense i know yeah i would probably just say someone wicked gay just cry i'm telling you just burst into tears and they're like why

i don't know if i can punch this person big I always imagine some big dude telling me he was going to fight me, and I just yell at the top of my lungs that I'm going to jerk him off. I mean, yeah. It's definitely going to put a pause on the first throwing of a punch. It's going to be like, hold on, what? Did he say he's going to kick my ass? No, he said he's going to rub one out on what What like Did he say he's going to Kick my ass No he said he's going to Rub one out of you

The fuck dude Is this a hate crime now But dude if I got away with that I'd be fucking King of the castle That's your go to Yeah Like starting bar fights

And then screaming Straight faced Yeah you have to be Straight faced So you can't laugh I'll jerk you off Motherfucker Don't make me jerk you off starting bar fights and then screaming. Yeah, you have to be straight-faced so you can't laugh. I'll jerk you off, motherfucker. Don't make me jerk you off.

Straight-faced, dude. All right. Eye contact is important, too. I'm hoping I'm in the bar when this happens. Just 15 feet. Doing, like, play-by-play with my buddies. Like, no, no, watch this kid.

Watch this kid. Oh, this is gonna get good. Oh, fuck, he's making him do it oh yeah that would be fucking intense dude just to see how like confused everyone was it'll be worth it though i think it would i definitely for me yeah it would be like when i play it out in my mind it looks good it would be like when i play it out in my mind it looks good all signs points of happiness in real like time though i think about it i'm like he'd probably knock me out like cold well it's one of those as you start to scream and he's already swinging so as you just fall backwards into unconsciousness you're like jerky yeah yeah as long as i got like the jerk off part yeah i

mean you want to finish the statement what was his last words on your tombstone it just says jerky yeah it's like my obituary yeah john's last words don't make me i'm gonna jerk you off we believe he was already unconscious as he said motherfucker uh but dude i mean you talk about like your family a lot like in your in your skits is that like what got you into a the whole comedy thing uh it was i always wanted to do it like when i was a kid it was just was just, it all comes with an asterisk now. But my mother had like Ann Murray records or Bill Cosby records. Yeah.

So I chose Bill Cosby and thought it was great. Didn't know what it was. I was like, oh, that's awesome. You're just sitting there talking. Yeah. Yeah. And then as I got got older I did a bunch of ridiculous shit and eventually one of my friends was like hey I signed you up for some class

because I'm sick of listening to you talk about someday doing comedy but it was always one of those things I knew I'd eventually do just didn't know when because I'm definitely like a introvert don't like like when I was younger i wouldn't go in a store by myself so the idea of getting on stage and talking was definitely i don't know about that yeah dude i feel uh i feel that dude like i could talk about like balls and like jerking off like with a straight face not be nervous but like if i had to give a speech on history, I'd be like, dude. The funny part is if you were like, hey, Chris, go up, just welcome everybody, give them the rules, and then bring up the host, that makes me more uncomfortable than the idea of, Chris,

just go up and talk for 45 minutes. Yeah. Because then I'm like, hey, we're going to start the show. Oh, yeah, dude. I had to do that when I was 20. That was the first time I hosted. And a guy who was in his 50s was talking to me before I brought him up. And I'm sweating nervous.

And he goes, how long have you been doing this, man? I'm like, I've only been doing it for a year, man. I'm pretty new. This is my first time hosting. I'm wicked nervous. And he was like, dude, don't give up, man up man never quit he's like giving me all these like motivational words so i go to bring him up dude i'm like hey what's going on everyone uh this next guy fox and i just look over and i see him just shaking his head like what

he just gave me like all of his wisdom well you i mean that's a compliment right he like didn't talk to me for the rest of the show like probably he probably remembers that like he'll probably remember that for the rest of his life but then if somebody ever explained he's like no that was him saying like this guy is cool yeah old man that's an old man he said you fuck his family was there this guy fucks like in my head though like at that moment of time i was like dude this is gonna be a sick intro i there was no second guessing it well that's the thing and he just had a problem with it fuck him yeah fuck that guy dude i'm gonna send him a message on facebook fuck you you remember me motherfucker i thought

about it and you don't fuck take back what i said i've forgotten people's names bringing them up oh really like fucking did you have a piece of paper to like no i'm like literally looking at the table in front of me that has like the show flyer on it trying to figure out if i can figure out their name i've done shows with people that i've quote-unquote met before but comedy everybody assumes everybody knows everybody so then i find like we talk for 20 minutes i go on stage and i'm like i have no idea what this next guy's name is that's a dude that's a an ultimate fear of mine I write it down on a piece of paper so that if I forget I can just be like oh I've yeah just tell everyone I'm like dyslexic they would believe me too the best out is just like this guy needs no

introduction yeah what do you say this next comic I when i did it i literally said i go the next comic coming to the stage i've known him for a while i forget his name and they all laughed and i heard him laugh in the back and i go that's pretty funny right because it no i'm serious i don't i can't remember his fucking name please if you want to make your way to the stage just owned it just like ah sorry buddy and then when i brought him up for the outro i said his name like 37 times yeah like hey buddy that was ah he was so great i mean the fact that you could play that off is pretty impressive there's no other choice yeah i feel you yeah i would definitely forget people's names but as long as i like before i introduce them i'm like i say their name fucking 700 times i find if i write it in my phone like just the act of remembering it writing in my

phone but like think about it you the host controls the show right yeah like you set up the pace you kind of like set the room up you kind of feel the, see who's doing what. If I'm closing a show, I love sitting in the room and watching what everybody's doing, who likes what, who's going on here. Sometimes it doesn't matter. You're just screwed or it's a great room anyways. But the host generally controls the momentum of the show, and he's generally the person that's like, how long have you been doing this?

I've never done this before. Okay, well, thank God we put this in your hands. It's like giving a baby the keys to the Ferrari and being like, hey, we want to go to the mall. Get us there. It's like a sacrifice. Oh, you're laying on the grenade. Yeah, 100%. That's why they call it taking the bullet.

Yeah, as long as they show me fucking respect. Yeah, as long as they show me fucking respect. But the host has an amazing, once you realize that as a host, the audience doesn't think you're going to be funny. Like they're just like, this guy's the emcee. He's just the, ah, whatever. And if you are funny, like people have come up to me after a show and be like, hey, you're funny. I'll be like, thank you?

No, like, we've seen hosts before and they're not funny, but you are funny. I'm like, wow, thanks for putting years into this craft and shocking you by having two fucking lines. Dude, that's crazy, man, because I've heard people told, like, when I was younger, people used to tell me, it's probably because they fucking hated me, but they were just like, dude, the host, like, it's their show. Depending on the show, though. Like, if it's a three-person show, so it's, like, the host, middle, and headliner, like, it depends on, if you have a headliner that's hosting, yes, it's their show. They control the room.

Like, because they, if you you eat it they can bring the room up if you crush it they can mellow the room out to let the next guy have the same yeah thing but usually if it's a showcase it's like somebody that's been doing it a year or the three-person show is usually the person that's like i seen this kid at a starbucks he made a funny line i think we're gonna have him host yeah you're like oh fuck that can like ruin shit oh it's so great i love watching like i i love being a part of shit shows i do enjoy it some of my favorite shows are when it's just like shit's gone sideways you can say whatever you want because there's nothing like at this point nobody's been murdered that's about all that's the bar we're sitting at Shit's gone sideways. You can say whatever you want because there's nothing.

At this point, nobody's been murdered. That's about all. That's the bar we're sitting at. What is the worst show you've ever done? So many. Like hands down, the one that sticks with you. My favorite story is, and it wasn't a bad show. I just wasn't ready.

Yeah. I was, I had seven minutes like if i put all of my shit together i had seven minutes yeah and there was a guy like hey we want you to host and i was like oh i can host i can do that do seven minutes bring up the feature go up i don't have to do material you go oh you're headliner're a headliner. So I got to the show and it's two national guys. It was me hosting. And then they were both going up, both doing half hour to 45. That was it. So I had to do five, five to seven. That's it. And as in that situation, my job is to just not take a shit on the stage. That's the only job I have. Just go up there, get them facing the same direction a shit on the stage that's the only job i have just go up there

get them facing the same direction and get off the stage that's it but the guy one of the guys had to leave he's doubled up so he's got another show to go to so they go hey he's gonna go before you can you follow him and i was like i can go him. But this dude's a 20-year veteran, like has a crushing set. Like there's nothing I want to do with this. He went up, destroyed the room. I'm in the back of the room laughing, knowing that I now have to go up and just take a big scoop of dick and eat it. There's no big deal.

And I went up on stage and the last guy, he's in the curtains behind me. The room is silent. Like everybody understands that I'm new. I sound very robotic. I'm like stumbling, flop sweating. And I can hear the guy behind me. Like I'd do a joke and I'd hear him. The room in front of me, 300 people, dead silent, staring at me. Dude behind me like i'd do a joke and i'd hear him the room in front of me 300 people

dead silent staring at me dude behind me that's pretty funny i can do another joke oh that's a good line i like that like he's enjoying himself but i can hear him because the room is there's not one laugh like you can hear a chair go somebody somebody like backs up. So this, how many years in were you? I was probably two, three years in. Like I was super new. Yeah. But it was, it's like, I can't say it was a bad show. I enjoyed the shit out of it.

It's my favorite story. Like just eating it so hardcore, but having some headliner that like crushes behind me going, I like that line. Like it's like that inner voice yeah i don't know if you've been on stage and had like you're crushing a room but you make eye contact with one miserable fuck that has his arms crossed isn't laughing and you could be in a room full of a thousand people but you only see that one dude yeah and it's pretty much every show i don't know if it's like it's more like utter confusion though which is like what i love like i love i would rather have like half the room laughing and like the other half just like disturbed like but i think like you can tell that you're okay in it.

Like, when you, anytime I've seen you, you look, you don't look uncomfortable. You look like you're just making statements. Like, you know, like, it's like, I don't know. You're just very. Well, dude, I've never. So I met you. We didn't even really meet each other like you were with uh maya at the raffle house and i shook your hand and like introduced myself and then i just listened to

your jokes like through the curtain i was like this is fucking hilarious that was i never liked thank you i was never on a show with you but like i remembered you because i have like a good memory and i just you know yeah that was hilarious i've seen I've seen you do some spots like but I just I like those I like your delivery I like how like dry you are and like I said you don't even if you are uncomfortable you carry like the way you look is that even not uncomfortable you're going to appear the same you're going to deliver the material so you could be flop sweating and just be like dicks and balls and it's it's very it's so like i i i also i can't do that like i've tried i thought i would be a

storyteller when i started and then i started doing just jokes about my daughter and then i've become more of a storyteller like just talking about my daughter. And then I've become more of a storyteller, like just talking about my regular life. But like I like the one-liner. I like the like setup delivery. I like that punch, but it doesn't work for me. Really? I just got- I thought your stories were great, man.

I appreciate that. Well, I mean, your first joke is a one-liner about being gay. Yeah, but that's, I mean- It really like sets the tone. But it lets people know like i don't this guy's just like because like i think you said like i look like i'm a fucking a banker or some shit and i'm like oh no he's fully immature that is like as a like not a comedian just like a fucking young like open mic comic like for me just seeing an older dude who looks super mature like say stuff like that

it's like so gratifying dude like i don't know what it is about it but yeah i don't it's better than the guy who's like yeah fucking just left the house my wife's a fucking whore and you're like all right fair enough yeah yeah maybe you should have made a better choice and yeah i mean i don't know i've always i i try to stick with my rate like base it on a real real life type of situation so the i mean it's like anything else the joke might get i'm not a person that like it's gotta be real yes everything like yeah no like yeah i mean it's gotta be based on like yeah like the story comes from somewhere like i if you've the the bit i do about traveling with my parents that's that's a real story yeah like

that all 95 of that really happened yeah and then i just took another story of me traveling with edibles and combine the two and they just work out but yeah that is wild man about comedy like the the truth aspect of it because some people just like make up stories but then there's people who are like yo this like legitimately happened like i i i'm friends with people who are there yeah like the i have a joke about yelling these big old balls oh i totally believe your story was like what do you carry on a day-to-day basis and i literally yelled that in english like in english class and like people i know to this day were there so like they know that happened yeah but like the regular joe is gonna be like there's no way that happened

and i'm just like all right like well you don't have to like believe it i'm just you know and maybe that's what i'm getting from like when did and do see you. I believe that. When you say that, there's no part of my body or brain that goes, he's fucking around. I'm like, no, I can see. Yes, he said that. Yes, he did. It doesn't matter either way, but that's a crazy aspect of comedy.

Oh, the fact that brutal honesty or completely made up bullshit yeah is equal it's the same i feel like you you should be able to tell though if someone's making up a story they're kind of like dude fucking then jimmy threw a frag grenade at this dude's house bro well i mean it's true unless you can go like no i saw that on the news somebody did throw a frag grenade at that girl's house yeah but i feel like it should be in a perfect world it should be like based upon true events uh but like you can obviously like well you punch it up yeah you punch it up dude you make it more interesting the funny part is like i have some me and all my buddies will hang out we'll talk stories and like some of the funniest shit that's happened

in my life it's like yeah i can't ever that's not a stage thing it's not funny it's just us being dicks yeah you know it's but and it's funny that the stuff like i used to do a joke about um whales beaching themselves and who gives a fuck fuck them like and i never thought like when i started doing the bit and started working on it i would say to people like can i say this like this seems super super mean like are people going to be upset by this and the way it works out in the end is like i kind of explain like i say that up front and people get all uptight and then i explain how they feel the same way i do yeah and at the end of it they're like oh yeah fuck whales i get it so it's like to me it's like i don't understand some of the stuff

that i can get away with saying like really you got wow okay and it's not bad it's not horrible but like yeah i've telling people to go fuck themselves on stage like yes hilarious it's not horrible but like yeah i've telling people to go fuck themselves on stage like yeah it's hilarious it's awesome yeah it's the it's yeah that's the best i don't know man at the end of the day i don't know shit about comedy because like everyone's different so it's i've been doing this a long time and i know nothing about it yeah i literally don't know anything about it but i feel like i don't know if you feel that way but like when you're up there like you kind of just like have to be yourself i feel like if you're not then you're probably gonna eat a dick uh i don't yeah i think there's got to be like some

sense of guilt i think you have to yeah you have to show kind of in a way who you really are because you won't survive yeah like you'll just i i can't and maybe there are people who do it but i can't imagine living in a character yeah that's not 80 me yeah like i'm definitely more chatty and zany on stage than i am in real life but i mean that's probably why uh it's probably why like most actors go insane real life but i mean that's probably why uh it's probably why like most actors go insane true yeah they were all yeah yeah playing somebody else i think you're fucking spider-man in real life dude yeah like a local coffee shop did he kill himself no his web wasn't working at the time he just leaped off the building yeah but yeah man i've i don't know dude i even when i

was younger i just told myself like when i started i'm like dude if you ever like start to not be yourself like you should fucking stop definitely yeah i mean and then yeah but i think there's big names that like started off as themselves and then morphed into a character and that's how they made their name and yeah that makes them a million some of them look like they're taking a shit all the time, but some of them, like, some of them, you're like, oh, that's just, like, them evolving. Yeah.

I mean, trust me, any time I see my old comedy, I cringe at it. I don't, like, I'm like, I get what I was trying to do. I understand that. It's all about the attempt, dude. Not always. Sometimes you want to stick the landing, I mean. No. Dude, that's just how I feel though i don't know man how did you get into it how'd you start i was just 19 dude and i was just so fucking dumb and like stupid i was like this is all i have i don't really know how i started but i mean it's it's funny because you're like i think like

everyone has like a place in the world you know what i mean like a slot they fit into type of thing and that was just like the only thing i felt like comfortable in even when it wasn't working i was just like i mean dude like you can't like you're supposed to be here myself in a fucking cubicle oh yeah shit i think about dude like i was at work dude and i'll just have these insane thoughts and i'm like dude if you ever told someone this like dude they would fire you on the spot but you can go on stage and say it and get applause for it like dude the other day literally friday yesterday i was at work and you know how like i don't know back in the day to see like which way the wind was blowing like someone would like you know suck their finger and hold it oh yeah like it'd be like

it's blowing east i literally thought about someone asking me which way the wind was blowing and i just start jerking off. Just see where it goes. Shooting a gunshot into the wind, and I'm just like, it's blowing west. Southwest. I thought about that in my own head at work, and I was just like, dude, if I told my boss that,

I'd say, hey, I just want to let you know, I was thinking about this in my cubicle. You know how you said we don't talk enough? Here's some inside thoughts. What is the name of this podcast? It should be Inside Thoughts with John. Oh, this is called the Johnny Salami Podcast. Okay, all right.

Yeah, we didn't even do an intro. I forgot about that. We're here. I thought we were just warming up. It's all natural, dude. I liked it. It was nice sitting down. I'm like, I don't know if we're taping yet.

I've got to watch what I say about what. You've got to keep people on the natural, dude. I liked it. It was nice sitting down. I'm like, I don't know if we're taping yet. I got to watch what I say about what. I keep people on the edge, bro. I have a woman at work that calls me dude and bra. Yeah, that's dope. And I had to pull her aside one day and be like, do I say that to you? Like, are you busting my balls because I constantly call you dude? But she's like, no, I've never heard you say that. I'm like, just checking.

It was so weird. Dude, that's sick, though. I mean, I say dude a lot. Yeah. Some ladies probably get offended, though. But I didn't know if she was being passive aggressive. Did I say it a lot? And I'm like, oh, shit.

I don't want to get kicked. Yeah, dude. They have an upper manager who's a woman, and she called me bra, and so now I call her dude. But I don't know if it's okay. Because I am a guy, so she can call me bra. I think, is dude a universal? Like, can you say them, they, dude?

I mean, honestly, dude, if a girl calls me dude, I'm like, rock hard. All right. dude i mean honestly dude if a girl calls me dude i'm like rock hard all right i call everybody i call everybody buddy that fucking pisses me off you fucking asshole i fucking hate that dude we got a guy at work who does that to our like his own boss what's up buddy what's up buddy have a good weekend buddy i literally want to take my computer and fucking throw it at someone. And I get that. I understand that. But for me, it's like, hey, what's so-and-so's name?

Hey, buddy. Oh, yeah. Well, if you said it to me, it's fine. But if you say it to someone who's older than you, that's psychotic. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a big... Like a 90-year-old, hey, what's up, buddy? But where I work, I'm one of the older guys.

So most of my bosses are like mid-30s. Oh, really? And they'll be like, hey, we think we're going to work Saturday. And I'm like, well, who's we? We aren't. Going to the fucking slopes. Yeah. I'm like, I'm going to smoke weed and sleep late.

Dude, how often are you smoking weed? Nightly. Does it help you sleep? Nah, it helps me get high. So like, what type of thoughts do you have when you get high though? Like what do I think? Be honest though.

It's funny. Sometimes I'll have the old like oh everybody's out to get me i don't know what i'm doing and then i'll like stop and be like you're super high and then i'll be like oh that's cool all right and then i'll just yeah i'll take my bikes apart and clean them it's like a roller coaster of emotions no just the one of everybody's out to get me ah fuck it i'm gonna go clean my bikes that's literally like it's never like a mixture uh it doesn't make me like super happy or anything it doesn't get me super excited it's just like oh cool it doesn't like mellow you out at all

i'm pretty like my resting heart rate is around 52 yeah same, same here. So like I don't need to be more mellowed out. I'm like barely breathing right now. Yeah, I could like anytime I get a physical, they're like, do you get dizzy when you stand? I'm like, occasionally. Yeah. Like why? I just stand slowly. But every, do you like, because you said you do edibles though.

Yeah. Wouldn't that be like that's more of a like that like if i travel if i'm stuck on a plane or dealing with like i enjoy i don't like smoking and dealing with people yeah it's like when i'm home for the night and i'm like i know i don't have to go back out i'll like take a couple hits or smoke a joint or something like that yeah but if i'm like fuck i'm gonna i'm gonna be out for a while i might do an edible i can deal with people that i find it thoroughly entertaining holy shit yeah that's wild it's like dude i did i've done one edible i've done three the first time and after that i was like i would rather get shot in the

leg than do that again it was the most painful experience in my life yeah and i mean i i guess i know like i know people that have said that like i usually i'm the person that goes hey man like if somebody gives me something they're like definitely eat half of this it's medical it'll mess you up and i eat the whole thing and just call him a pussy the whole time yeah like he's just fucking nothing it's easy meanwhile i'm like on my couch drooling i'm not even like i'm not even coherent like my like somebody's sitting next to me and they're like dude for four hours you just sat there going but i'm like this guy doesn't know real shit dude i like i've told this before but i got stuck they call it like being stuck because like you get so high

that you just stay high for like three days straight okay so on the third day i'm like losing my mind i think i'm in a dream dude like see i did i did acid back in the day yeah like and that was that was what like people asked me like how come you stopped doing that i'm like because i liked it like yeah like i never had a bad trip everything was like magic and yeah like that so for me we like i did acid and then a bunch of my friends were like hey we're getting mushrooms and they did mushrooms and i did them with them and they were like all messed up and i'm like you guys want to go for a ride or something? Because I basically ate the high octane, and now I'm eating lawn clippings. These guys were all like, look at the lights.

And I'm like, yeah, okay, great. Let's do something. I'm bored. Wow. So weeds, yeah, weeds just kind of. Dude, I wouldn't even leave the car. I would be in stationary cars cars like fishbowl cars like thinking that we were going like 40 miles an hour see it's not for you then like that's smart that you were like i think i'm done that's yeah that's like the moral of the story is

like it's not for everyone yeah oh definitely legitimate skill to be able to go out in public high and just function yeah i can't like i that, like, they'll be going to family functions, and they'll be, like, they'll pull up at the entrance to this family function, open the doors, and, like, smoke will waft out of the car. And meanwhile, I'm like, how? Like, how do you do that? They're like, oh, man, I got, like, an hour before I have to go back out and refresh. I'm like, well, how do you live?

Yeah, well, they're probably so used to it. That's the thing. But when I did it, I was never the type of guy who was like, nah, we'll take a few hits. I was like, I'm going to take four hits to the fucking bong. You forget it's a dimmer switch. It's like on or off. You're like, I'm either completely straight or blitzed.

My buddy would always be like dude why can't we just like why can't we have fun why can't we just have fun man i'm like fucking bleeding out of my eyes we would always just get super high and play like fucking like the rolling stones or like dancing queen by abba shouldn't have fucking shitty dodge around like laughing i would always be like dude i am not leaving this fucking truck like i'm not going hey do you want a drink no i'll just hang my head out the window and hope it rains i'm not moving dude but when i did edibles the i didn't sleep the whole night the next day i had tryouts for a collegiate baseball team. And they were doing live pitching.

Like you literally had to pitch to these, I had to pitch to these nasty baseball players in a cage, like live pitching. They were like, give it your all. Like throw as hard as you can, do whatever the fuck you want. Dude, I hit the first four guys. And the fifth guy just goes,

I don't want to go up against this guy i'm all set i know his game i hit some dude in the fucking head jesus and they were just like keep going you're fine yeah they were like i just you know take a you know they were just like you know rub some fucking dirt on it this dude literally got this dude hit in the head i thought he was gonna die because i was high i was coach, and I fucking killed him. How was the tryouts? Well, I drilled four people. Dude, so I told the coach I was drunk.

I was like, yeah, man, I have, like, a drinking problem. I was, like, literally high on edibles. And he was like, yeah, man, you know, like, a lot of kids on this team have, like, the same problem. It's like, don't worry about it. Just play the ball. He was like, just try to come to practice sober. And I was like, yeah, man, you know, like a lot of kids on this team have like the same problem. It's like, don't worry about it. Just play the ball. He was like, just try to come to practice sober. And I was like, I will, man. That's the best.

Yeah. I like didn't even drink at the time either. I was high as fuck. So did you make the team? Yeah. That's awesome. You're like, I'm a raging alcoholic. And he's like, fantastic.

This dude was like, we know what you're capable of. And I just was like number 17 on the depth chart i would just chill in the bullpen like eating chipotle never pitched an inning later in the season he's like we're gonna need to put you in he has a couple drinks and you're like no i don't drink they're like well that's what we need you to step up that's pretty good though was that like did you go to school on a scholarship or anything no I went for a semester

and left I was like this isn't for me dude but that was like that was my experience with edibles dude and I was just like the next day

I was like dude I can't wait to just like be normal again and I was still high and I was like dude just laying in my bed like I'm never doing this again made a horrible mistake.

But I see people do it all the time, man. They're just like casually on Edible. Yeah. I mean, if I was out, people will like they don't realize it. They're like, wow, you're in a great mood today. And I'm like, wow, that says I should probably do these more. Yeah. If like the only time people register that I'm in a great mood is like high as shit

i'm like huh i mean it is kind of like it is true like when you see people high like wow dude you're like really happy right now man things going you should do this every day man if things going well in your life no everybody in my family's dead uh i have a drinking problem but i'm high as shit so i'm having a good night. Let's keep it up. Keep the roll going. Whatever it takes, man. That's it. Whatever it takes. Fake it till you make it.

I would definitely consider doing it when I'm older. Well, don't people say once they hit 70 or 80, that's when they're going to do meth and shit? Because you've got nothing better to do? Yeah, you have nothing to lose. Yeah. I don't want to do any drugs when I'm like 70 or 80 i just want to do like stupid shit like ride bikes into cars like in like walmart parking lots but that's when you don't recover that well like that's when you fall and you're like oh yeah but imagine like you just spent like 300 on groceries and like you're walking out to your car and you see a 70 year old on a mountain bike drive in your car and flip see but i'd rather like i watched i've i've tried

to make it into a joke but it doesn't work it's a i i watched two old dudes get in the slowest car accident i've ever seen they were both backing out of spots at the supermarket and fucking literally like their spots were offset so it was perfect and they literally dragged the side of their car down the other car until they saw each other in the window and fucking then they didn't stop they put it in drive and pulled back in their spots and got out and looked at the cars. It was crazy. I literally had like groceries in the car. I'm like, I better get these home.

I'm like, oh, shit, I better watch this crash. Then they get out and talk about it. Nobody exchanged papers. They just individually left. And I can only imagine they were going to go home and be like i don't know what happened it wasn't me don't take my license because they were dude they were dinosaurs they were fucking absolute dinosaurs how does that joke not work dude i think it makes like it's i don't think people believe it it's so i oh i sat there and watched

the whole thing and was like, this is magic. This is why the world exists. Right? Like, you ever have a moment in your life when you're like, this is, I'm alive to see this. Yeah. That's it. Like, people are mad. They're, like, going around them because they're now blocking a whole lane.

And nobody, like, is, like, upset. They're mad at the people for doing it but nobody's like oh these poor guys they just walked in and got their grocery shop undone and i'm just like this is fantastic so that like if when i'm old i just want to drive around and hit people yeah i'm not gonna lie dude when i drive by a cyclist, I definitely think about that. I'm a cyclist, and I would wing some people. I'd door them. I wouldn't even door them, dude. I'd full on, as fast as I could.

And then score them. Score them on the flip over the hood. Like, would have given you 10, but you didn't stick the landing. Yeah, we live near my hometown. There's a reservoir, and there's always bikers there. So if you hit them hard enough, they could just fly into the reservoir, dude. Ooh, get that guy's bike. I'll just have you sit on the ledge where the railings are and just hold up your score.

Like tens. You just see me coming. Dude, is that guy going to slow down? See some cyclist go by looking at me like, what are you doing? Just wait for it. Just hold on. Wait for it. You're in court.

It's on video. They're like, was this premeditated? Never. No. I just carry those signs with me everywhere. I always go 80. Listen, if you're on a bike and you're one of those people that's like, oh, bicycles share the lane.

Yeah, I get it. That's fine. But if you then roll up to a red light, look both ways and go, I think if you're run down by a car, we should just sweep you to the gutter and move on with our life. Feel the same way. Fuck them. Just imagine you in like a town council meeting. Fuck him. Just imagine you in like a town council meeting.

I would say, I would stand in court and be like, did he have a red light? He did, but he was on a bicycle. Fuck him. I saw a dude get hit. I got hit when I was a kid. No, I didn't see the dude get hit. I saw him under the car yelling. And it was the funniest shit. Yelling.

Get this shit off me. He was like, my fucking leg. We're bad people. It was the funniest shit. Like, he was still alive. He probably broke his leg, maybe two, but still hilarious, dude. Listen, any time you get on a bike, you're probably going to die. Just accept it, and then move on.

Like, for you to be like, yeah, yeah i got hit today and expect me not to laugh that's disrespectful well that's that's partially why i got in a comedy like everything painful in my life that would hurt my soul i would tell people the story of it and they would be like i don't i don't i'm sorry i don't mean to laugh but oh that's cool man dude that's the worst when like you're laughing and it's like a super serious. Oh, my God. This guy at my work got hit in the fucking head with a beer bottle, and he was telling us the story. He's just like, we had never spoken before.

You're in the back giggling. I'm in my big and tall eyes. I had a straight face. And he's like, yeah, man, I went went out and some chick threw a bottle at my head she thought i was someone else so i started like laughing my ass off and he's like no dude like it's not funny like i have to go to court today i'm like no no no this is funny i was gonna say let me correct you sir that's fucking hilarious she thought you were someone else. That's her whole answer to that. She thought. So you just, you think they vaguely look like somebody and just fire a beer at them?

Yeah. Okay. All right. He's like, no, dude, I'm getting like 20 stitches. I'm like, dude, that's even funnier. He walks into court and she fires another beer at him because she thought again that he was somebody else. But that's the worst dude it's not really the worst but it's unfortunate that people you know can't laugh at stuff like that like if someone threw a fucking beer bottle in my head i would fucking laugh about

it like i wouldn't laugh in the moment i'd be like holy shit this fucking hurts but it's like like i said about my buddies growing up like you run over. Hey, man, are you okay? Yeah. And as soon as they're like, yeah, I think so, you laugh. Yeah. That's it. And if they're not okay, as soon as the ambulance drives away, you laugh. You go, holy fuck, dude.

That was crazy. Yeah. How crazy was that? I don't know, dude. For some reason, I don't know if it was because I grew up around, like, I mean, when I, like, did BMX, I was, like, 250 pounds. So I couldn't really do any of, like, the tricks you other kids are doing, like, endos and shit. But, like, if anyone ever did, like, I mean, I think I've tried to do a few endos, like, where you go up on your front brakes and just, like, slam my balls. Like, that was funny.

I don't think that's the end bit. Shit like that. Like, I don't i don't think that's the end bit shit like that like i don't know i think that carries so you would you couldn't do the actual trick so you'd just make it make a joke out of it dude they used to have the fucking i don't know if they have them anymore but they would have like these jumps and they were like black like legit ramps okay like the plastic raiders okay and they were probably like two feet in height and you would separate them so you would hit the gaps and I remember like I would hit them probably like a foot away from each other and I'd be like fuck yeah sounds like more with the obese dude so like one day we had a fucking competition and this kid's dad came outside and laid

between the gaps he's probably like six feet tall but listen if if you're willing to lay down i am definitely hitting that fucking jump dude i had to borrow another kid's bike dude so you would like you would go around you would literally like it was a descent so you would pedal as fast as you could and just hit it as hard as you could. Just no regrets. Everyone was like, dude, don't slow down. Commit. I'm, like, breaking a sweat, dude.

I hit the jump, barely, like, clip the edge, go up on the front wheel, and I'm just riding the front wheel into the main road as a car is coming. They just slam on the brakes, hit the the horn and i just fall on someone's yard but like that was that was like my biggest accomplishment like other kids were doing like crazy shit like that was you jumped a dude yeah i would have i would have crashed on the dude i would have been like you're a fucking idiot for laying there with children okay i mean dude there was a few fatties there that were cheering me on so it really meant a lot to me um the my uh i was at a party one time and i was always the one that would be like get all banged up and then i

found a bike and i'm like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna pedal as fast as i can and it was like a 10 speed so it's at a party yeah it's like a house party. I'm like, I'm going to look so cool. I'm going to pedal down the street and I'm going to come back as fast as I can. And I'm going to skid across the front yard. Yeah. But I didn't know that the front yard dropped two feet. So I come like top gear pedaling as hard as I can. And the front wheel just dropped out from under me.

And I had some people on the front steps watching and they said oh you totally supermanned it you didn't even put your arms out you just landed with your face and like my body folded up on itself and I just got up they said I got up and was like huh and just left the bike there and walked in the house and got another drink it was like yeah that's that's the story of my life. I'm going to look so cool. Dude, that's kind of scary about bikes and stuff, like dirt bikes, when people get cocked at parties and they're like,

dude, we should take out the fucking four-stroke. It's like, dude, you're 14. Well, the funny, like, hey, let's take out the dirt bike. Somebody grab the keys. Well, there isn't one, hey, let's take out the dirt bike. Somebody grab the keys. Well, there isn't one, so let's let them do it. They would do that with, like, pit bikes at parties. Yeah. And, like, I remember there was a specific moment where I was, like, 14 deep,

and I'm like, I want to get on that thing. And if someone let me on that thing, I would have legitimately, like, without a doubt crashed. Oh, at speed. Yeah. Like, full on. I, like, without a doubt crashed. Oh, at speed. Yeah. Like, full on. I don't even know how to shift. I'd be like, why is this?

It's the best time to learn, 14 deep. Pop in the clutch. We had a couple of my buddies lived in a house, and it was in the middle of an industrial zone. So, come 5 o'clock, the place was empty. We used to ride snowmobiles up and down the street. We had a buddy that was on the town's auxiliary police. And he would literally do donuts in the cruiser in the front yard. But we had a giant party and somebody showed up with a pit bike little like

little 80 yeah and he's like hey i'm i'm gonna leave this here and it sat in our front yard we would come home from work i'd come home from work i'd look my buddy would be riding the thing across the front yard and he'd i'd be like hey man let me take a blast and he'd just drop it on the ground and i'd pick it up. The winter came. It snowed. The bike was just laying in the front yard covered in snow. And then come spring, we were like, ah, ha, ha. Hey, it's got two flats.

See if it starts. And we rode the thing around. I think a year later, the kid came back, and he was like, hey, is my bike still here? And we were like, it over like in the bushes under like leaves and shit yeah and they were like you ruined my bike and we were like no that's how it was you just that's how it's been there since you left it like how fucked up was it two flats bent rims like we just like when the wheels went flat, we didn't stop riding it. It just made the experience more exciting.

And then, yeah, I don't, I think all we did was put gas in it. Like, it's supposed to be a mix, and we're just dumping, like, fuck it. Let's go. Not my bike. Yeah. You'd leave a dirt bike at somebody's house for a year, and you've got to kind of expect it. Yeah, you've got to expect that, dude. Yeah.

We're dicks i never i never rode uh never rode dirt bikes uh i had this moped though uh it was like a it was like a japanese like kimco uh like 50 cc moped it was like pretty nice and uh in high school i was like super stoned and i was like all right. And in high school, I was like super stoned. And I was like, all right, I'm going to take this thing for a ride. So I'm going down like the most main road in like where I'm from. Like the speed limit's 40. I'm like maxed out at 33. And there's like a turn like that's almost backwards.

And it was like a part of the year where like they haven't swept the sand yet so i'm going full speed i hit this turn going like 33 miles an hour hit a pile of sand just slide into this guardrail and i'm like i'm high as shit so i'm like this isn't real it's the weirdest dream i've ever had yeah i sl I slid into the guardrail. I'm like, literally, I have road rash, and I just get up. I'm bleeding. I pick up my moped and just start riding again. I'm like, dude, just get out of here. Nobody's seeing that. Everybody's cool.

This is cool. So I'm going down the road, and I turn around. There's like six cars following me. I'm going down the road and I turn around. There's like six cars following me. I'm like bleeding. They're all like, is this kid okay? We should follow him and make sure he's safe. And I'm like, I didn't stop. They were honking at me.

So I was like, all right, we'll stop. They were like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I didn't feel any of that. Clearly I'm riding, man. They were so confused, dude. They were just like, what the fuck? I remember showing up to the basketball courts, just like blood everywhere. I'm like, can I play?

But I sold that thing, man. Mopeds are the shit, though, dude. I wish I didn't sell it. Like for the summer rides. Oh, around here? You'd take it down here? Not around here, but back home. Around here, dude, crossing that intersection.

I would get hit on the spot. Listen, if I see you trying to merge in that intersection, I'm like, well, looks like we got something to aim at here, don't we? Yeah, driving around here is just not even fun, dude. Like, hey, you didn't use your directional. Yeah, I'm not warning fucking people where I'm going to end up. People are fucking savages around here, dude. That's so fantastic.

Yeah. I like watching the most timid-looking people lose their fucking minds in traffic. Like, you know, it's like, oh, look, that's somebody's little old nana, and she's so happy, and she's going to crawl out a window and stab somebody in the throat because they like are doing 26 in a 30. I don't, I didn't think I would ever have it. I mean, I still don't, but sometimes I'm like, all right.

Rage? The rage? Yeah, that could, I don't know, man. If I did, if I did rage, it would be like, I'm going to jail. Like I would buy like 12 frag grenades and just start throwing them. I mean, I think that implies that those frag grenades that you've now brought up twice are super easy to come by. I know a guy, dude. I know a guy.

Yeah, I'm going to need 12 of them. One usually does the trick. No, no, no. No. 12. Well, dude, I mean, if you're in road rage, it's like, why are you going to be a pussy about it? Like, don't yell at me. Like, just kill me.

See, but you can't. Like, I'm a big fan of, like, the reason I don't rage is it takes, like, my dreams, they take too long. Do you ever hear the story of the guy that, like, put, like, plating on a giant bulldozer and then just destroyed a town because they kept fucking with him no oh it's some netflix thing but he's uh he took like one of the big giant bulldozers and just the whole cab was sealed in like lead or steel whatever it was like so they were shooting at him and it was like ting ting and he's just like running over police cars yeah it's like fucking death race yeah like that's the that's my kind of rage like this guy pissed me off now i gotta go home and get my death bulldozer yeah and find him again oh dude if i really got that mad like it would only be right to like do that

like spend 10 years of my life creating my own death race vehicle all because some guy that you've never met like cut you off i would just fucking blast for those about to rock by acdc just start launching frags see i do like with sarah mclaughlin some sad sad fucking like people are like oh what is this like puppy parade? And then just maul everybody on the street. Either that or put on a Pornhub video. Just like a hardcore gangbang. Just full volume. They're like, well, we should have seen it coming. He had been working on that loop for quite some time you just you're

like oh my god that's so much cum like three cars blow up are you the pizza man all right uh that's a good name for a porno are you the pizza man i wasn't sure if it was, oh my god, there's so much gum. Dude, have you ever seen Cake Farts? A what? We had this kid on the podcast and he was like, have you ever seen Cake Farts? And I was like, no, what's that? He told me what it was. It's like this video and this chick farts on a cake.

It's fucking hilarious. And I think two weeks ago, I found the weeks ago i think the internet is so underrated so i couldn't find the video for a while but two weeks ago i saw a dude and it was so worth it it's like one of the funniest how long were you searching for cake for just like how many youtube rabbit holes two years did you end up down like oh this isn't cake farts, but I'm going to watch this channel for a while. I had to pay for a VPN service and get specific access. I'm just kidding. I'm like, how deep state is this cake fart video?

This is only black market shit. It's like Hillary doing it. Dude, it's just like a perfectly made cake and she's like, ooh, what do we have here? And she just walks up to it, sits on it, and farts like 10 times. I feel like she has multiple videos like that and men pay. Dude, it's like a common theme, though. I was going to say.

It's like its own genre. Yeah, like somebody's ordering that cake. What do you want for your birthday cake? I want Trisha to fart on my birthday cake and ship it to me. Yeah, like it's like ebony, hardcore cake farts. I don't need to know the search terms. No, I'm saying like if you were to go on like a porn site, it would be like its own genre.

That's crazy. There's more than one person. Yeah, that's what I mean. That to me makes sense. Yeah, she started a movement. person yeah that's what I mean like that to me makes sense yeah she started a movement someday she's gonna be like hey I'm the I'm the leader of this movement do you want to come live on my cake fart she's like she's in like a history book right right next to like Asa Akira here we have the leader of the cake fart, which gained political power in the late 2030s.

I mean, dude, I would do my project on that. I would. That would be, you know. Dad, can you help me with my project? Just put the video in his PowerPoint presentation. Right. He's in like fourth grade. We couldn't find the video, so we had to have my mother do it.

Ma, I need this project done for tomorrow. She just shits herself. Right. Oh, good thing we used the bunt pen. All right, dude. That was a good way to end. On that note.