The Johnny Salami Podcast - Comedian Derek Furtado

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

Comedian Derek Furtado by The Johnny Salami Podcast

that's pretty much it yeah bye man see you later babe he's a good looking dude man yeah man if not home I have to tell him sometimes

you know yeah I'm like dude I'm not you're not but I need to remind you yeah people it feels good

to let people know like like good things and positive things like if anybody tells me I'm doing a good job or if I look good or something, it's like, it makes me feel good. And it doesn't matter where it comes from.

It really doesn't matter where it comes from. No one's, no one's doing that, man. Around here. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. Nobody's doing that. No, dude. First week I was here, I got called an autistic linebacker. I was like, dude, an autistic linebacker. Dude, I was like, I need to get like a pen and piece of paper to write that down. Yeah. Because that's a good one.

No, it's a great one. And it's something an autistic linebacker would need to do is write it down. Yeah. Because anybody else wouldn't be able to remember it. Somebody on the spectrum is going to go, man, I really need to write that down. Have you been watching that show? What? Love on the Spectrum.

I saw the first season. I started watching the first i saw the first season uh i want i started watching the first episode of the second season and just haven't been able to uh yeah um to i've been watching more dating shows of people that weren't that aren't on the spectrum yeah um and those are fun too but but love on this on the spectrum is like i don't know it hits you in ways that like it's so honest and true that it's like it's fucking hilarious. Like it's so funny, but not like I'm laughing at you. It's just like, man, I really wish you know that I always think of Rudy. It's like I wish I could take your heart and put in other people's bodies, you know?

other people's bodies you know and it's like i feel like i could just take your honesty from just that honesty from being on the spectrum and not realizing the social abstract of things or whatever to just fucking you know i like dinosaurs just being honest yeah you like dinosaurs dude when i i saw it for the first time i'm asking the question do you like dinosaurs but that's it they can't even move on from that it's like they got you have to answer it yeah like i was watching and i was like dude this isn't even funny like this is like beautiful you know what i'm saying oh it's it's that's the part i was like i think i was laughing at just the the the honesty of it and i think that's where it gets to the point when it's like beautiful and but i love that it's like they're not fucking around and they're not wasting time like just you know what i'm saying it's just like do you like this no okay date's over

they start well they don't know how to do it so then they're done like making eye contact they're like like they can't do anything that's just because that's because of the cameras though the pressure if it was if it was all natural dude if they were in a field, like, I saw these two chicks. Dude, they were fucking, they were getting after it, dude, in a sunflower field. Because it was all natural, dude. Love on the spectrum. Wait, on? One of the episodes, this chick, she went out with a dude, and it was terrible.

He was like, you know, he fucking ruined it, man. Yeah. He blew it, and she was like, I think I'm more into chicks. So she ended up going out with this, you know, she was a man yeah he blew it and she was like i think i'm more into chicks so she ended up going out with this you know she was a fake chick but dude it was it was emotional that was in the first season first season yeah yeah and they did the sunflower yeah yeah that's right that's one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen in my life that's right that's right she picked up the sunflower there's like a heart in the middle yeah holy shit but there are but i there are moments for all of them that um like the natural flow of a conversation yeah uh sometimes just can't go back and forth

it's like they reach a point where they're done with the subject and then they kind of drift off a little bit to go um yeah it's good so you you like podcasts yeah they pant yeah it's just like yeah it's random as fuck but it's like that's what i did for years dude when they're like was work with with uh with kids uh on the spectrum that's what i did i was a residential counselor for it was like strictly autism yeah well they were all they were all all boys um in a program that were like they were all boys in a program that were like, they were all, they had from schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, like just a wide range. I thought you meant like strictly autism. No, just a wide range of a bunch of different things. But they all had like a history of abuse.

Some even sexual abuse and everything like that. But it was like, but the same kind of honesty just came from you know those kids like i said like they like it even in in love or or relationships the positivity is there but they also in anger they i've been called more names there's no there's never going to be a heckler that will ever fuck me up after working in that company and having these teenagers call me half of the shit that they've called me oh yeah dude but honestly man the difference between autism and uh like down syndrome it's like fucking insane man you know what do you mean like well like dude are you talking about are you talking about their face no i'm just saying like the fuck are you talking

about their face? I'm not talking shit, dude. Listen, but let's draw the line here. When you see somebody who's autistic, you don't know yet until they start talking. But Down syndrome, you know as soon as they look at you. Yeah, well, they all look the same. We all know that, dude.

But I'm not even talking shit, dude. I'm not talking shit about my boys. Because, dude, when I grew up, you said you worked with a whole array of kids? Yeah, for over 10 years. My dad worked for the Seven Hills Foundation. So same thing, dude. A different array of kids. Primarily Down Syndrome, though, dude.

So I was hanging out with a lot of dudes who had Down Syndrome. But it was like, dude, it was some of the best years of my life man dude it's so fun dude it's so fucking it's not even funny dude it's that fun like you get you build such a good rapport with those kids man that like if anyone made fun of them you dude fuck anybody like it's not i um when people when people don't understand like we're talking and we even somewhat even like joking a little bit about it but honestly it it comes from a good place uh because of the amount of experience and the amount like just seeing how excited and how like genuine the emotions that you can't hold it together like i think a lot of times for

a lot of us we spend a lot of time just kind of like coding it down it's like we're not you know we're just going to act like things don't affect us or whatever it is but they wear their their emotions on their sleeve and i think there's just something like you just get to you said it before it's beautiful you know yeah there's something about it dude like honestly and i'm not even trying to be funny like just the do the dinner table conversations and the actions were, dude, like my dad would be like, oh, Kevin's coming over for dinner. And Kevin has Down syndrome. He's like a 300 pound. Yeah. Yeah. Down syndrome. Yeah. Funniest guy I've ever met in my life. Yeah. We would go in the backyard and literally just swing. Like, we would take out wooden golf club drivers. Yeah.

Just hit my neighbor's house. Guy was a fucking piece of shit anyway, dude. Really? So it's like in the end. Let me ask you something. Did you tell him to do that? Or was he telling you to do that shit? Honestly, man, I was too young to remember. In my head, I was probably like, you know, we both agreed on it.

If you went back in time, it's probably my idea. You were probably pushing it. You were probably like, he was probably sitting there going, I agreed on it if you went back in time it's probably my idea you're probably pushing it you're probably like he was probably sitting there going i don't know if this is a good idea you're like come on man and he's like oh are we best friends yeah we're best friends let's go swing at this house but honestly dude at your age say like hypothetically you're sitting down for dinner dude you're with your kids and stuff yeah and you have a window and you look out that window and you see a grown man with down syndrome with a younger kid who's like 15 yeah hitting golf clubs at your house what's going to make you more proud than that dude honestly it well hitting my house not i wouldn't be i don't know about proud um but there would be a part about it that I would, my reaction to how I want to respond

to that is different. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not like, I'm just going to like, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey. Cause listen at the same token, it's one of those things where I'm like, okay, that young kid, I don't know what's going on with them, but like the, the bigger guy, I'm like, I don't know the type of strength that this guy may have. And he's got a weapon and I'm like, I don't know the type of strength that this guy may have. And he's got a weapon. And I'm like, but he's smiling.

He's clearly like, because, you know, when you look out that window, he's swinging at the house and he's cheesing. He's smiling. He's not angry. He's having a blast. Right. But I don't want to turn that. I don't want him to flip out and do something to me. Sure.

Because I know. Yeah. You're thinking long term. Yeah. Most people wouldn't think about that. They just freak out. I just my thing is, well, at that point, I'm'm like the house is one thing but my family i want to protect my family so i don't know what's going to happen because i don't i don't know anybody i mean it

could be anybody i'm not just saying because of but it is but but what a what a dynamic duo yeah just this grown man with down syndrome roaming the streets yeah it wasn't always down syndrome though dude it was always like a wide array of people. But he got paid to like hang out with them like after hours. So he would like take them to movies. Yeah. They'd come over for dinner a lot. Yeah.

But dude, it was there was such like there was a dude, Kevin, who was older, who I just mentioned, who has down syndrome. Funniest guy I've ever met in my life because he would just do random shit in like really mature situations. You know, it's funny. You know, it's funny is that we both do stand-up comedy yeah and and you've you you've said you know it's like he was the funniest person i've ever met in my entire life and i have a list of like the funniest people that i've met in my life yeah and and like stand-up comedians aren't even on that list yet no like don't get me wrong are they the funniest stand-up comedians that like there's a list that yeah but like people i know personally it's not it's not saying if i had a list of like some of the most depressing people that i've ever met in my entire

life yeah there's probably a few good like comedians that are on that on that on that list yeah man watching uh i mean you've known me for a while, dude, but watching comics, watch other comics is one of the most depressing things in the world. is like not great is uh i always talk about like everybody's dream when you thought about what you wanted to be when you grow up and i'm like i want a picture like you're laying on the bed and you're like looking up and like maybe if somebody was like they wanted to play sports or whatever they're looking at their cards or they're watching a game and they want to put you know whatever it's just throwing the football up in the air or or you know if they wanted to be a pilot they're you know they're model airplanes and they're sitting back just imagining flying or whatever and then for comics you sit back and you're just thinking about yourself like you know you can hear them they say your name and you and you and you go walking out on the stage and and

and people are like it's that light and you're just like you, and, and it, to the point where you're like, calm down, shut your, shut the fuck up. Like, because they're just cheering so much or whatever. Um, I go,

but that's the dream. And I, and then, and then I look out and I'll go, this wasn't, none of this was a part. I don't even, this is not,

you don't think about whatever this is, you know? And, and it's like, you know, get little chuckles and stuff like that. But I feel like we don't ever really think about whatever this is, you know? And, and it's like, you know, get little chuckles and stuff like that. But I feel like we don't ever really think about what that process is like is to watch the, like watching the process and where it's at.

It's like not luxurious. It's very like not great. And it's like, you think you have a good community of comedians, but most of us are just looking at our own notebooks. Yeah. Well, fuck about what you're care, what you're saying. You know what I mean? Like sometimes it'll be like, Oh, that was, that's funny. community of comedians but most of us are just looking in our own notebooks yeah give a fuck

about what you're i don't care what you're saying you know what i mean like sometimes you'll be like oh that was that's funny anyway yeah i mean just writing your own shit yeah it is sad man but the more i think about it man the more i'm like addicted to the misery in a sense oh yeah but i'm like at the age where it's fine i don't know how long I could do that for though. You know? Yeah. No, that's, I,

now it's, you know, it's like 17 years minus two because of COVID. Uh, sort of like 15 years of doing it. Um, and I think the grind part, um,

is, is, is less, less exciting. Um, but I know it's a necessity, like coming to New York, you just kind of have to go back into doing that. Um,

and that's like, ah, shit, that's, you know what, what I need to do. And it's like, you know,

smaller bits, 15 minutes, 10 minutes or five minutes or whatever those things are, whatever. Um, uh, uh, but, smaller bits 15 minutes 10 minutes or five minutes or whatever those things are whatever but but the reason why you keep going at it is because you know something there's something that happens that connects when you're on stage and you're able to do something that makes you want to go back and do it I always equate it to sex it's like it before you started doing stand-up comedy like the first like before

you even started having sex it's like you think about it all the time you want to do it and then and then when you do it um you know is it good probably not and did it last long no probably less than five minutes five Five seconds. Yeah. And even sometimes with sets, they're like when you first, first start. But when you walk off stage from even starting for the first time, you don't walk off going, well, I'm never going to do that again. You're going to go, I'm going to go back and do that again. And I'm going to get better. And I'm going to get better.

And I'm going to do it more. And I'm going to be the best. And it was the same way when I had sex. It was like, listen, I may not have been great, but I'm going to get better, and I'm going to do it more, and I'm going to be the best. And it was the same way when I had sex. It was like, listen, I may not have been great, but I'm going to keep practicing, and I'm going to keep on doing it, and I'm going to keep on getting better. Sex is always fun. But if you put on a grading scale from all the sex that you've had,

there's some that's not so great and some that have been awesome. Same thing with stand-up comedy. There's some shit that's been amazing, and then other things not so great. You just got to put in that work, dude. Huh? You just got to put in that work dude huh you just gotta put in that work dog you know that's all it is man it's really at the end of the day dude you can go like deep into it but it's like dude you just gotta fucking get in there bro you just gotta get in there you don't even know what's gonna happen dude fucking rip your pants off just go in there dude just go in i mean at well okay with consent yeah you know because it never works out good either way if

you rape a crowd they're not gonna like it and it's gonna be bad and same thing if you do that to another human being sexually yeah so it's it's but with consent dude get in there yeah just get after it dude i mean dude you're a murderer man like you fucking crush on stage i'm not even saying that dude like the last show we did like yeah i've never dude i've never even seen anything like that in my life really yeah like i've never maybe i've seen ray do it like a few times like just that level of like what the fuck is going on like dude you're just like you know you're just like dude like you know not many people will ever replicate this so like for us to sit down you know we're obviously on different levels dude you know like oh but i like doing this talking shop or even even if we're talking comedy right

now which probably in the podcast cut the whole comedy part out and we'll do other we'll talk about other shit i'm not telling you what to do fucking keep it all in and you can do it i mean i love talking about like but um well i'm man, like, like from not that it matters what I'm saying, but I've seen you perform at a level that I've never seen anyone perform at before, dude. And it's, it's mind numbing, dude. It kind of pisses me off a little bit. Oh yeah.

It's just like, you can't put words into it, dude. You know, you only see it like once in a while. Yeah. A lot of the times, man, you'll see someone, you'll be like, this dude's funny, man. But, like, you know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There have been where, there's been a few comics that I've worked with in the past that it, like, after doing comedy for a while, you know, you see a lot of stuff.

And you can even, no matter where you're at in comedy in regards to like how much experience you've had with it but you you can tell when somebody's like they're experienced and they're good but then there's people that are just like what the fuck is that yeah and then you almost turn into like not a comic anymore you're back to being a fan when something can knock you back into your seat and you're just enjoying comedy again to where you're not breaking it down because now you know all the little intricacies in comedy. That part's the part where then you're like that person. And not everybody's to that degree, but it's whatever it does to you.

So what I may feel from when I see a certain comic, you may not feel the same way when you see that comic. It's all subjective, man, but I'm just saying like like, on a universal level, it was there, dude. You know what I'm saying? You weren't split in the room. It was like, and like, honestly, dude, you were just being yourself, man, which is like the biggest thing. Like, there's obviously levels to this shit. Yeah. And I'm on, like, one of the lower levels, which I'm fine with.

Like, I accept that. But, dude, there's just levels to this, man. And, like, I think, like like being younger around like i mean i was around like the old like i was around you and ray when i was younger dude but like yeah at the end of the day man you guys are just like being yourselves you were still in school right yeah i was still in college dude yeah and i knew i wasn't like on your level even close but just like being around you guys like it's just cool to be around people who are like just themselves you know what i'm saying yeah versus like i'm gonna go out there dude i better fucking crush man i better fucking

yeah and like you know what but that's the mindset in the beginning and in like a lot of us in the beginning you want to go up there and crush and you're in your and you're comparing it to other things or whatever but then when you when you're around other people and just kind of see it being like like when you bring it back to being normal and just being yourself, it's like, oh shit, this is supposed to be fun. And when it kind of switches to where like, if I can just get into that zone,

and there's variations of how you get to that point. And that's why I'm like, you know, some comics are like, well, how do you plan this? And how do you do this? Or how do you go into things? And it's like, you know what? I have the things that I talk about that I like.

I don't talk about what I think is funny. I talk about what I know or what I feel that is funny for me. And because I do that, the idea of memorizing it, it's less about memorizing it because it's what I believe and it's what I feel. And so when, when the more I go in that direction, then it's, then it's like, once I have certain structured jokes that like get laughs, then it, then it opens it up for me feeling more comfortable to like fuck around a little bit. And then it just kind of, it's like a a slow progress it doesn't happen in one set but every once in a while something in a set will open that up and and but it's like our responsibility is to pay attention to every

little detail so even if i did a 20 minute set but there was like a line or two or or a certain moment that happened in the show um that i'm, oh, that right there. You know, that's what I'm going to hold on to. People go into shows going, you know what? I have this new joke. I'm going to try this out. And then they go up on stage

and for some weird reason, this audience that night, they don't want anybody. They don't care about material. They fuck with us. They, you know, they're one of those rowdy crowds. Fuck with us.

And so now you're like, man, I got to, you know, you're fucking around with the crowd. You're doing whatever. And you're not doing anything you wanted to do. But you survived. And you did well.

But what happens is in our heads, we're sitting there getting pissed off at ourselves because we're like, man, I wanted to work on that joke. And it's like, you know what? Are you going to quit? Are you retiring anytime soon? It's like, well, no. And I'm like, okay, so you have time, right? It's like, well, yeah. Okay.

Fine. Fine. So you just got one day better at crowd work. You weren't even focused on that. So like you just got one day better or one show better at crowd work. You'll be able to do that joke. When you find that moment, your responsibility as a comic is, is, is when you see that time, you take advantage of it. That's all it is is so the ability to just be aware and use all of your senses right it's not just memorizing a joke it's you being able to see the room to be able to hear and feel like the whole atmosphere that doesn't happen overnight but it comes in stages and that's why i know it's so fucking cliche and comics will be like oh you know you got any

nice man you want me it's like yeah man just keep getting up it's like yeah oh, you know, you got any of the ice, man? You want to help me out? It's like, yeah, man, just keep getting up. It's like, yeah, okay. No, I know. But like, but it's like, no, just keep getting up because what I tell you how to do things is going to be different than how another comic

is going to do it. Yeah. But watching other comics or being around ones that you like or that you see what they do and what you like what they're doing.

I mean, it feels, I mean, thank you. I appreciate you saying that you know about about my comedy uh because i've definitely not been feeling like that for the past year i'll tell you that much yeah you know moving to new york i've done less shows this past year than i've done since when i first started comedy like 15 17 years ago yeah i mean yeah not that yeah. Not that it matters, but same thing, dude. Going from like one or two shows a week to like crying. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Like a sewer cap, dude. You know what I'm saying? Fucking dude, whatever you cry, dude, just call me.

And I'm like, oh man. Yeah. When I cry, dude, it's just straight faced and like a single tear. Oh, a single tear.

Yeah. You just get it out like that. And you're like, well, I was walking in the rain last night, dude. It was kind of fucking beautiful, man. You're walking in there. I walking in the rain last night, dude. It was kind of fucking beautiful, man.

You're walking in there. I walked in the rain last night too. I was, I went to go, uh, I meet up on Mondays to meet with, um, John O'Connor,

uh, and Doug key, uh, to, we do like writing stuff or whatever it is. And we're thinking about sketches or like comedy, but both anytime we need to get together, it doesn't like we can have an agenda,

but the idea is, is working the muscles. So you just get together and you shoot the shit. It doesn't matter. Anything could be productive, but you get together and you just talk about what are you, what some on your set, you know, we'll talk about jokes that, that, that will somebody else work on or what I'm working on or, you know, any ideas that we've written down. Oh, that could be a sketch. So then we add other things that are on there, you know the idea of like you know oh okay you know what we should do a podcast or whatever that must get you feeling good dude you guys sit down like a coffee shop no go to john's uh apartment because he it's walking distance from where i'm at yeah we got a dry erase board we get together we just start fucking going to town chilling with the boys you know i mean just chilling out and it's but it's just like working some sort of if i'm'm not going to have a show, then I'm going to do – I need to do something. And that's been missing for a while for me. Because I used to do it –

Ray and I would get together all the time. We were always doing things together. Or Brian. But since those things have changed, so it's like, okay, I've got to find something else. And right now in New York, there's a million million shows there's a million comics that are out there um with and with that being said that means there's there's tons of like really shitty people out there there's really really there's amazing comedians that i've seen that are out here too um but everybody's on shows

and everybody's doing things and people produce shows so they can get on shows and all these things and you can see it's all over the place um and getting in there and getting in the grind it's like you have to be outside you have to be out there every single night um i got a two-year-old and i got a yeah a lot's changed like uh dude you said you like stopped smoking and like you're not drinking coffee now like what's going on dude uh oh well i ended up i got skin cancer really um like it found out my girl was like she's seeing stuff on my skin she's like you go get that checked out or whatever it is go there and found out spots spots spots so i have to get i had to get uh get it removed on one side moved here removed on my back another one on my is it this side or is it this this this side the

shoulder over here um and it's like and then i was having like stomach issues and i was just like you know what and i'm like getting ready to turn 40 and it's purely from just being a lazy fuck like i was able to when i was younger my 20s i was able to you could just do whatever you want you just do whatever and that's it you just do it yeah and and that and you have fun with it and then oh you'll have a hangover you'll feel like shit or whatever it is and then your 30s it's like okay you do those things and then and then the pain lasts longer you can actually hurt yourself whatever um but to own to to make yourself feel better you just have to cut things out so like okay you can there's a period of time where i stopped drinking for like three years and

and i had stopped smoking for a few years and i was feeling great and doing all this and that's when ray and i ended up making be a man and i ended up winning competition over at comics um uh and things were just kind of like coming together and, and, and, and, uh, it was working out well for me at the time. Um, and then, and then it's like, okay, you know, then I get slowly drinking again. I started smoking and whatever it is. And not that any of that stuff was in excess, but now I'm getting close to 40, turned 40 in January. Um, now it's like, oh, I can't just cut things out.

Now I got to fucking do something about it. Now my body's telling me, it's like, okay, cut things out. But now you got to get up. Like I got to walk and I got to run. I got to do push. I got to like do shit, you know? And I'm at that point where I'm looking at my little kid and I'm doing, I'm like, I gotta be active. I gotta do things. Huh? Well, I just got stitches taken out from my last procedure, so I haven't been able to do anything yet. I've just been slowly cutting all the things out. So now this next stage is, I think I just... Fucking Baywatch, dude? Dude, I'm going to have to fucking hang out with Doug.

Yeah. And he's going to have to show me the ways, because he's fucking ripped, man. Yeah. You know what I mean? Doug looks like a fucking Baywatch model, dude. Yeah, he does. Have you ever seen him do a dive or anything like that?

Like a front flip, anything like that? I've never seen him do a front flip or dive but it doesn't matter i if anything you get hard if you saw that dude i i just need to stand still really just you know what i mean just like that's it you know it's good like he was actually in i think it was a dating naked that was on bh1 wow yeah he did that is that one of the dating shows you were watching huh well um yeah no i didn't i actually i watched his segment of that show but i don't watch the dating naked one but um and i'm like fucking of course doug yeah take one you can take off all your clothes you know what i mean yeah and on top of that he's

one of the nicest guys on the planet he's like super super nice you know great personality awesome comedian um and he puts together the Rogue Island Comedy Festival. But just going back to just working, I know that it's not like he's a diehard in the gym kind of person, but I know he'll probably be able to show me like- If you hang out with him, dude, you'll feed off that energy, dude. Fuck yeah, man. Yeah. That's what happened with one of my buddies, dude. Yeah?

I was getting straight up tits, and I went to the gym with him once, dude, and I was like, oh, we done? And he was like, not even close, dude. Yeah. I was getting like straight up tits. Yeah. And I went to the gym with him once, dude. And I was like, oh, we done. And he was like, not even close, dude. Like he pushed me to different limits. And I was like, I felt kind of gay afterwards. But like, it was like confusing. Yeah. And I just like I fed off that energy, dude. Yeah. In like a non homosexual way, dude. Yeah. Well, you had to get started going. You had to get past that first thing of questioning whether or not you were homosexual. Yeah. And at that point, you're like, no, no, I'm saying? And then we started going to the gym together. You had to get past that first thing of questioning whether or not you were homosexual. And at that point, you're like, no, no, I'm just feeling good because I feel better. Not because I respect and I'm happy that he helped me out.

Not because I want to have sex with him. But there was a moment I did, but I realized that he just helped me do more push-ups. That's all he did, man. Yeah. Dude, I'm doing Rogue sunday but i've said maybe five words to doug before yeah and uh i think i was like i was like 20 or something and uh the first time i met him was at uh comics okay so like i'm like 20 years old and i barely know what like a green room is yeah and doug's like you know he's like one of the big swinging

dicks like he's going up i think he was like featuring or something yeah dude so i take like the biggest shit of my life in the bathroom in the back the one down the hall down the hall oh yeah i open up the door and i walk by doug and i go yo dude i just destroyed that bathroom and he was like i'm good how are you that was it that was it dude that was the interaction that was it dude dude for like the next like we just never talked listen at that point there's gonna be people who watch this and they're gonna go that's how you get into rogue yeah it's like that's how you get all you have to do that's all i do just go like if if doug can see that your shit don't stink then he's gonna be like you can come

and be a part of this whole thing you know what i mean like once he saw that he was like dude six years from now i'm gonna have that kid on yeah yeah yeah he's like i remember that shit dude yeah he said i will never forget that shit he probably has no idea honestly never forget that shit that was the best shit yeah at least i was honest with him though dude you know i was like dude i just blew that up dude he walked right in he walked right in there was no hesitation man not at all he wasn't like i'll give it a few minutes and that i think that's just another attribute of why he's such an awesome person yeah you know i mean when you could just walk in there now you know how some people are like when you tell them then they go in there like god yeah doesn't put on a big you just you know what i mean honestly though

dude like the sad thing is he probably just didn't understand what i said his response actually speaks to him not even understanding what he was like oh he asked me how i was like yeah which makes sense i probably like mumbled some shit yeah yeah you probably in your mind it came out clear as fuck what you said yeah but really you're probably slightly embarrassed that there was somebody right there when you're coming out and you're probably like hey man who's gonna you know i'm being done right there oh dude i thought he was gonna like burst in tears laughing you know that was such a letdown dude and then to be in the green room after that yeah just knowing that that happened dude so let me ask you. Since you, how long you've been here in the city?

Three weeks, dude. Three weeks? Yeah. And have you gotten up yet? I've been going to Mike's, man. Just grinding and legitimately just questioning everything about life. Yeah. And honestly, dude, I'm sick of like, I like talking about comedy with guys like you.

Yeah. But I like tired of having the same talk with like guys who are like struggling you know yeah yeah yeah it's like dude we're not there yet man like we're we're at the bottom dude yeah we don't even deserve to fucking be here dude you know what i mean it's you know the weird thing is is i think right now there is such a different way. I mean, everybody's looking for a quick way to try to get up and do the thing. Right.

I think what people don't understand is if you move that fast without being ready, you will get it'll it'll be worse for you. I've known people that have gotten credits because of being able to be have like a good you know few minutes to be able to like get a credit but get a credit that they could use to advertise for them to be at clubs to headline but how can you do 45 minutes to an hour but really what you've had is 15 minutes you know what i'm saying i mean dude yeah like i have small goals man which might be bigger than other people's but i've always i'm dude, I'm just taking it like one step at a time, man. Just like one small,

like, you know, like one of my goals was to like feature for like the first time. And, you know, I did that at a fucking beast row, but that's like a small goal, dude.

Oh, this is the show that we did. Yeah. It's like, dude, that's like, that's just like a small goal, dude.

You know, to be able to, how did you, how did you feel about, I felt fucking terrible, dude. I was sweating. Good. Yeah. That was sweating. Good.

Yeah. That's good. But you're going to find out that once you're in that, and you can start to get more of those, featuring, for me, feels it's the easiest spot. Reason why, host, it's a lot of pressure for a host. You're going up first. You don't know where you're going to get with the audience. Yeah. outside of that like what you really want to do because then you got to think of oh i got to remember to bring up the person's their name their credits or whatever shit you know it's a bunch of other things that are on top of you already trying to think about what you need to do

and a headliner well then there's pressure of like on doing well and being the best on the show but also like there's the pressure now of ticket sales and to the the bookers and and things like that yeah the feature well've got a chunk enough time that once you build that, you're like, this is where I can build and I can grow and I can really fuck around a little bit more. But the responsibility on you... You know what I mean?

You don't have to think of any credits. You don't have to have the pressure to bring anybody. You just are able to go there and work. That's it it that's all you get to do over time that becomes like a nice sweet spot to really be able to to build build that out a lot more so the fact that you were able to get that first feature spot yeah no it felt good man it was just like obviously like it's not like the easiest place to perform at you're in a fucking bistro and wall fam it's not like the easiest place to perform. You're in a fucking bistro in Waltham. It's not like, like I know I, I know I could do decent at a club,

but it's like, I'm just taking what I can get, dude. And like, you know, when you move here, dude, you're just starting from scratch.

It's not even back. Dude, I'm right back at that. Yeah. I walk into places and it's like, okay, you know, there's a few people I know,

um, did a couple spots here and there in certain shows. And then when people don't know you, then I'm going there and they're like, oh, you're going to take the bullet. You're going to go first. All right. You know, no one knows who I am. So I go up there and do my thing and it's OK. You know, for me, it's still getting out of like my own head.

A lot of times I think it's our problem is just getting out of your own fucking head. But, you know, you get to meet some people some people try to network more but it's just got to be consistent i uh you know i've been slacking at that but i think it's just dealing with my own health issues and things like that coming out of that because that was the whole point of moving to new york is to really grind that out and make those connections um you know we'll do what was going on with like your health though so you got you got skin cancer and then like skin cancer stomach issues with the acid reflux that was really really bad um and uh and some um uh some fatty liver tissue liver enzyme these you know whatever that so basically what it comes down to is i'm a skinny guy yeah always been skinny but

like i'm at a point now my arms are skinny everything like that but i'm just i'm like a i'm not fat i'm just not healthy yeah not in shape um and so now it's like okay i lived in hawaii i lived in california when i was a kid i was born in cal California, lived in Hawaii, then went back, moved to California, lived in Arizona for a little while too, Virginia, Rhode Island, Massachusetts. But those early years, I'm outside all the time. So that shit's come back, you know, being out in the sun. But when you were, like, when you started off in comedy, like, if you were, dude, if you were, like, ripping cigs and, like, drinking, like, do you think that kind of, like, negatively affected you? Or do you think it was, like, it helped you? Like, if you were like ripping cigs and like drinking like do you think that kind of like negatively affected you or do you think it was like it helped you like if you're being honest um i i uh the cigarette part no never uh the drinking part had its ups and downs but it got to a point uh when i'd quit for like three years it got to a point where it was like

every single time that I go and do a show it would feel like oh it needed to be celebratory and I was over at the Comedy Connection all the time this was even before Corey and Dave owned the place there was another guy who had owned the place his name was Eric Hoffer he'd owned it for a little while

but when he was running it there it was almost like the feeling of the comedy connection was like he was living it as if it was the 80s in comedy. I mean, there was drugs, there was people that weren't, they didn't, like, the place

would sell out, but not sell out. He would let anybody in for free. People were coming in for free, people were drinking for free. We'd go to after parties, and he would just go to the back and grab bottles and put them in a box. Like, you guys ready to go? And then we'd go to these house parties and stuff after the club. We'd even go to the strip clubs and then he'd even come back and they'd be hanging out down in the basement. And Eddie Galvin was living in the basement for a little while too with his dog.

Like, it was, dude, it was fucking insane. And that was when I was like drinking like crazy but it got to a point where it's like when you're drinking and you're doing it now instead of it being just celebratory when i got off stage now you're just drinking when you're getting on stage you're drinking before you get on stage and then it's like well how am i being productive as a comedian and it's like sure i'm up there maybe i'm funny maybe i'm killing it maybe i am but you know they kept having me go back but then i'm thinking yeah but i've also been around people like at karaoke where they had too much to drink and they thought like in their heads they were like celine dion or

fucking whitney houston and they're just saying and it was just sounds like absolute shit there were times i'm sure that i fucking was just thinking i was murdering and it was just nonsense you know um and so like it got to a point where i'm like you know what uh i i you know there was a few things that happened in my life outside of even comedy but but that was just one of the things where i'm like i'm not even being productive and being professional with this like i'm like if i had a good set even if I had a good set or a bad set, I wouldn't be able to know to get better or evaluate any of it because I'm not recording anything because I'm being irresponsible.

I'm just drinking and partying. And when I'm going out there, I'm doing it. I'm just being good enough. And they were allowing me to get up all the time to be an asshole. You know? You were having a good time though. I had a fucking blast, man.

It was awesome. It was awesome. You know, it like to get, to literally be up at a club that was right down the road from where you lived multiple times a week, every week to do small spots, big spots,

whatever it is. That's when the hardcore show originated. It was during that time. Fucking miss that show it is. That's when the Hardcore Show originated. It was during that time. Fucking missed that show, man. Yeah, man. Hardcore Show was... It was like the best show ever, dude. It was fucking awesome.

And there's... So they have one that's like that at the Cellar. It's the... I think it's the Village Underground Cellar. You have to go check it out on Mondays. underground seller you have to go check it out on on mondays um miran does the guy he uh uh um he he used to uh do comedy in boston and he moved to new york years ago um but it's his show that he hosts and i i reached out to him uh like a month a month and a half ago or whatever it was him and i were talking and i was like dude i need to go to see a show whatever so i went went down

on that monday and it's like a it's like a nasty show that they do on Monday nights. But because it's the Cellar, the Monday feels like a Friday. Like, if it's the Cellar, every day is fucking sold out. You know what I mean? And they have a live band that's in there right off to the side on the stage. So they'll play music for each comic that goes up, and it's like a guy with the piano,

another one with the drums, and they just do the thing thing and then the comics go up there and everybody was killer everybody was killer you know i mean they did a thing and it was like oh all right this is this is the first time i've seen that kind of vibe in a while because the connection with the hardcore show was just so much fun that's where i think i did my most growth was was because of the hardcore show yeah that's very dude i'm very grateful i was even like on those man yeah being surrounded by you guys i was dope dude brian liked you i liked you ray liked you you know it was just like an energy to it man it was like yeah i didn't deserve that dude you know but it was there dude there's a lot of times we don't deserve a lot of this a lot of the shit, but we fake it till we make it,

and then you just take advantage of whatever the experience is. I was just in college, dude, just smashing fatties, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's it. I wasn't even doing that. Oh, dude, but even so, smashing fatties. I was pretending, dude. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

We're fucking, dude, we're pretending the whole time. Did you ever invite them to shows? Did you ever invite girls to shows? Super hot chicks, yeah, dude. Yeah? Who i was in the friend zone with man yeah and then i would talk about being in the friend zone on stage dude and how did that work did they afterwards they're like man i really like that joke because it's true but they'd be like i really agree with that joke that's so good dude honestly man like, I really agree with that joke. It's so good. Dude, honestly, man, like, I really struggled in college to, like, get laid. Oh, yeah? Like, bad, dude.

I was very awkward and, like, still am, but. Oh, I don't believe that. I don't see that. Exactly, dude. People were like, dude, this guy smashes. For some reason, dude, people were like, dude, what are you, sleeping with, like, six or seven girls a week? I'm like, dude, like, 10, 12?

Dude, why are you, yeah, why are you even, what do you think I'm a, what do you, I'm a loser? Six or seven girls a week i'm like dude like 10 12 dude why are you yeah why are you even you're what do you think i'm a what do you i'm a loser six or seven have you ever thought about that like the shit that people think about you because you've been like pretty honest with me since we've met but like a lot of people like especially back like during those days people were like you know people would see me oh this guy's just like some like power lifter fucking douchebag who's probably smacking tits around. But dude, I was just living with my mom trying to eat healthy, man, have a good life. I think you would show up

and I would always ask you, what do you got in there? And you're like, some juice. Oh, what kind of juice? It's like a fruit punch. You're like, what? You don't have anything else inside there but you would like make smart remarks so like no but i did like a like an eight ball of cocaine you're like what and he goes like no but it would be

just like those things and but you would you were like no i'm just trying to eat healthy you know you'd come yeah you know you'd sit there and hang out we would joke around inside the green room uh but we would be joking and there's no there's no reason for me to say anything in those yeah you would you would do no you weren't joking you would agree yeah what the dude i was like 21 yeah what am i gonna be like hey you guys fucking you guys want to chill after this like no dude i was just like i'm happy to be here like i'm gonna listen to what you guys have to say and then there was probably times where you're just like well i don't know what else to do with this so i'm just gonna be cool and be like hey man i gotta go like like like like like as if i got shit to do man and

you're like you're gonna go home and just think about like just sit there at home going why the fuck did i just stay out man why didn't i stay out no i mean dude i was definitely jealous of like the conversation you know but dude there's an age gap and there's also like i've always felt guilty about like not having because when i was younger dude i was always like doing stupid stuff and like there was a point where i was drinking a lot and i was like holy shit i'm an alcoholic and like getting high and it was so fun but then i was like i gotta clean this up and once i cleaned it up i was like i don't have as much to talk about as these other guys yeah like i'm not i'm not egging houses and like you know getting high as tits talking about like farts anymore and like it's just like i'm just kind of like eating

healthy and like you know i've kind of accepted over time dude like i don't feel like uh do you get anxiety over it or do you just or you just kind or you're just over that feeling? Because I'm sure when you get out of that, and then you're looking at things through a different lens, then it adds the social anxiety that goes along with it, because now you're aware of, should I say something? Should I not say something? We were talking about this earlier, man.

We have friends who we think are the funniest people in the world, and they're not comics. So I rely on those people to that's where you have a good time yeah i don't i don't feel an obligation when i'm in like a large group to be funny i'm the exact opposite dude that's if i go up on stage i'm like all right like you know i'll be myself see what happens whatever dude but if i'm just hanging out like i've got friends that i think are literally like so fucking funny dude and it's like depressing because they're like in a lot of pain and like they have their own demons but they're just like the silliest people dude that i just find funny

man they're not comics so it's like i'll just rely on them and yeah you have your source of entertainment through the people that you hang out with that you care about that you know and there's no sense of responsibility with it i think with comics sometimes there becomes a responsibility and and a lot a lot of times I find comics will say this too. It's like, okay, so you were sitting in the green room, right? And I think this is where people liked you too because you weren't

trying. You were just doing. And you were soaking things up. And I think we all saw that. I think it's one of those things where if we all sat in the green room, and you were in there too, and we're all just kind of shooting the shit and you're like, oh yeah, fruit punch uh you know whatever you know and then somebody else comes in and they're like fucking and they're like fucking comedy right is this the green room oh it's actually green

and then you're like you're like this guy sucks and we all are sitting on our head like like okay i hope i do well i hope i don't bomb but we one thing we all can agree with that guy is gonna bomb that guy's not gonna do well because he's putting on the show for the wrong people i don't fucking care you know what i mean i like comedy i like to talk about comedy i like to talk about jokes but i don't like somebody putting on a show for me, and I don't like putting on a show for somebody else, especially when I'm not going up on stage. That's where my personality, when I was younger, before comedy,

I didn't have an outlet. I was just a guy being funny. And once I got the stage time, it was like oh here's my outlet then what happened was i'm like oh since that becomes the thing now i don't have to be fucking acting like an like a silly asshole and trying to be funny all the time now i can just now i can draw a line somewhere and i can just be a fucking normal person and then like when it comes down to comedy then it can just then i can just kind of let all that out doesn't mean i'm like it's it's so black and white it just means that i don't have to feel like i'm a dancing monkey around other people and just trying to be funny is one of the most toxic things you can do it's disgusting

it's like what the fuck are you doing man yeah i don't see those guys are like dude your wife's cheating on you you know what i'm saying yeah dude you're like it's like you you think you got it all figured out who fucking ain't right it's like you know i mean it's just like that kind of dude it's the same thing in high school it's like you'll be hanging out with the boys and there's always that one guy who like wants that hot chick and he'll do whatever it takes to like make her laugh dude you know the problem is the problem with guys like that is there was one time where that one chick did fall for it so this guy has a false perception on like how it is like dude guys i fucking figured out man you know i mean it's like like funny fucking chicks love it.

I'm like, no, that one stupid girl who was so drunk that it was borderline that you actually took advantage of her. You're using that as your like style of being like you're cool. Everybody thinks you're funny. And it's like I think people just laugh at you to just give you what you need so we can end because we're all sick of it. You know what I mean? There's, you know, you're sitting at the bonfire with a bunch of people. You got the, and you're sitting there and you don't even, you like, you hate this party because why? Because you got the jokester.

He won't shut the fuck up. And now you got fucking acoustic guitar guy who just sat down. And now you're like, this fucking this is done no it's dude it's literally uh every time i talk about this with someone like they usually don't understand what i'm saying so this is like a first dude but i always i always think about i was in this uh i was in this class called prevention and care and it was like a it was a fucking universal like health class all right and uh so the class is like completely silent dude and this fucking we have like a substitute teacher and i'm in the back with like i'm just like by myself just being quiet everyone's scared of me whatever dude there's this portuguese kid oh yeah dude people were viciously scared of me in high school dude they were like this kid's

gonna cause genocide because i wouldn't say anything i would just sit there be quiet that's it yeah you know what i'm saying right right and uh dude so i'm just like sitting in the back like straight faced and we get a substitute teacher and he's talking to the class about like his life and like how depressed he is he's like yeah like i've thought about killing myself a few times so there's a portuguese kid in the front dude literally just top of his lungs screams penis no one laughs he doesn't get the hint dude so he screams it again penis like there's a vein going down his forehead and dude he screamed penis legit dude like 10 to 12 times like he just wouldn't give up and that's that. And that's what it is, man. Like he wants that, dude.

He wants that laugh, dude. And it was the best moment, dude. Because like the teacher was fucking just acting like he wasn't even there, man. He didn't yell at him. He wasn't like, you have detention. That's where you're sitting back and being all quiet. People are petrified of you. And then that's when you finally go listen i'm not gonna be the one to

snap and kill everybody because this motherfucker you guys are gonna do it to yourselves he's doing it to himself and i don't know if you guys ever seen me smile but this is the best fucking thing i've ever heard about his whole life it was a glorious moment you know yeah dude in that you know what you saw you saw you saw a natural a person in nature naturally bomb. It wasn't on stage. It wasn't a comic. And that's where the root of you being a stand-up comedian is probably from there where you're like, man, there is some sort of enjoyment about watching somebody that you do know and they're just eating it. Dude, there's nothing better better man yeah than watching someone

you know just eat a fucking dick yeah eat it eat a penis like that's it if i yelled it though dude bro dude murderous bro dude because they wouldn't expect i would have gone oh dude yeah you would have yeah yeah you would have yeah you would have then there you would be like a legend yeah and who knows this like the course of life that you... We wouldn't even be sitting here right now. You would have gone a different trajectory in your life if you would have been the one that yelled at penis in the class. Dude, I would have had confidence, man.

Yeah. I'd be a confident person, dude. There's that origin story. Well, what happened? Well, you're telling the story the same way, and it's like instead of this Portuguese kid in the class, you're just like dude I just

I don't know what came over me man I yelled out penis one moment can change a life but now he's telling the story on the other end where now he's in front of a shrink and his life

he's like he's divorced there's the three kids he can't even see him and it's like where do you think it originated from and he's like well I was in this one class

and I yelled out penis he's working at like town fair attire and he's like telling the boys in the back he's like dude back in the day back in the day dude i was the fucking funniest class clown and you know what's weird you know what's weird about this and he's sitting there and he's doing and you know what he's doing while he's telling the story he's doing that part you know they they have the it's like the lube part for the for the tire and it comes out and it looks like it's like a burnt uh marshmallow and they they run it around the ring before the and he's telling him he's like guys you know the fucking weird thing was can you believe this the guy that sat in the back that like we were all afraid of dude he's a fucking stand-up comedian now can you fucking believe

that i was the funniest fucking thing i was the funniest by the way they jipped me on my paycheck this past week here at that place and And it's like, fucking man said, but it's true, man. We don't know how life is going to turn out. You know what I mean? You have no idea, you know?

Uh, and now you're sitting here and did you ever think that you would even, from when you even started doing comedy, when you'd started, you know, in college, did you ever feel that you would like do something in your life to where you would actually make a move to pursue it?

Yeah. I didn't think it would actually happen, but it, uh, for sure across my mind. Yeah. What triggered it for you to do it this time or at this point? Probably just being sober.

Like if I'm being honest. Yeah. Like, uh, yeah, dude, probably just being sober. Honestly, man. Just thinking about looking for another thing, I guess. Yeah, dude. When I was like, uh, when I was in college, like I would do it, but I wasn't like, I didn't really understand it and I still don't. do it but i wasn't like i didn't really understand it and i still don't um but i was always kind of like my mind was kind of foggy and then i think like this past year i was kind of like oh like this is like an easy decision you know what i'm saying because i'm clear-minded dude like i'm not doing crazy drugs that are gonna like alter my way of thinking yeah and like dude i literally have nothing to lose you know what i'm saying beautiful like if i i think if i was at that point where i was like getting high with my buddies and like

drinking and we were talking about like oh you know like you know i'm in this relationship dude work sucks my life sucks bro fucking it's gonna be 75 tomorrow dude dude i would probably not be in this situation dude yeah right but i'm like i'm clear-minded enough to be like oh this is just like noise this is just what people do like everyone talks about the same shit dude oh yeah all day every day dude everybody talks about the same dumb shit all the time and everyone's gonna follow the leader dude like bro if you have a fuck ton of money and you have authority like when you say shit people are gonna like dude you could if you have authority dude like if you have a check mark on your social media, dude, if you go on Facebook, dude, and you make up a news story,

dude, people are going to be like, this happened, dude. No one's going to be like, oh, let's dive into this. People are going to be like, this fucking went down, dude. Oh, my gosh. Now, if you had that power,

which way do you think that your personality would abuse it? Oh, dude, I would be making up the craziest shit dude yeah yeah i'd be like aliens just landed on the beach in uh san diego they're jerking each other off there's a there's a lunar equinox i would fuck with people so bad dude yeah and you know there's gonna be somebody in the comment there's the first comment i fucking knew it like yeah dude people are like oh yeah man if i had like all that power and shit i would do good. I would promote wellness. It's like, dude, no, you wouldn't. You'd be doing the same shit.

People would always make the comment, like I did a show, and they were like, man, that was really funny. They're like, don't forget the little people. And I'm like, but that's probably going to happen. And they're like, what? I go, I'm trying not to be a dick about it. But I can't remember everybody. My girlfriend gets mad at me because there are people that I've met that I've known for sorry, but I'm just not going to remember. And am I going to change? Well, yeah, things do change.

We always change over a while. And if I got like a fuck ton of money, like, I don't know, like taking public transportation is not like, I won't even know anything about it anymore. Like it wouldn't be a part of my life. It would not be. I, I just, I don't like, I tell my girl all the time.

It's like, even later on in life, like I already know what kind of old person I'm going to be. Like, I'm like, I'm going to be filthy. She's like, what do you mean?

I'm like, when I, if you put me in a home, I'm going to be the old man that asked for gonna be filthy she's like what do you mean i'm like when i if you put me in a home i'm going to be the old man that asked for sponge baths on the reg yeah for sure and like you come to visit me and like you can be my wife but i'm still gonna be the old man that's gonna be like ah nurse comes in i'm like sponge bath you know what i mean i'm just i just know that that's where it's gonna go there's There's always going to be something a little dirty, something a little fucked up if you got that power.

It's not going to all be squeaky clean. You know what I mean? It's not. Well, dude, it also depends. If I was given a fuck ton of money, I would handle it differently than if I worked for it. If I worked for it, I'd be like,

fuck you. This is my money. Very stingy. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here, dude. But if someone was like, you just won the lotto,

I mean, I'd probably like dish out a few thousand. You just won $300 million. Yeah. You know, definitely dish out some dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Now dish out for other people or just dish it out as in, like, just doing dumb shit? People I care about, I'd be like, hey, here's a few mil, you know, holla. Yeah. Here's a couple. Hey, man, I like you, dude. I would want to do it, though, dude, where it's like I have the physical cash and I would want to walk into their place and, like, spank it around, dude. My brother. Like, make them pick it around, dude. My brother.

Like make them pick it up too. My brother always talks about a scenario. He's like, I want to go into like a Bentley dealership, like something like that. Like literally wearing what you're wearing right now. New balances, blue sweatpants, like walking in and they're going to be like, um, excuse me. Like, cause you already know, excuse me. You're not, I'm, I me. Like, because you already know. Excuse me. You're not. Are you looking for somebody?

And you're like, no, I'm looking for a new car. Hmm. You are? Are you sure? You don't want to be over at the Kia dealership? And you're like, no, man. Get a motherfucking Bentley. You know what I mean?

It's like, well, I don't. You know there's going to be a lot of money you're going to have to put down. Although, what about, like, the whole thing? You know? How would I's like Well I don't You know there's gonna be A lot of money You're gonna have to put down Although What about like the whole thing You know How would I fucking pay For all of it It's like you wanna have a moment Where somebody judges you In another way

And then you're like Fucking Like I don't know if you remember Wayne's World Yeah But there's a part Where like he'd always go

To get the guitar But when he finally got that deal Like he shows up And he goes Cha-ching And like the money Comes out like that Behind him

He's like I'm gonna buy it today You know Yeah I have like a fascination of like the exact opposite scenario like i want to be wearing this at like a super fancy restaurant and like walk up to like a like a rich group of kids and be like yo what'd you guys just say to my fucking boyfriend it just it just no and then i want to be like i'm gonna be like listen whoever was talking shit to my boyfriend i'll fucking kill you and your whole family and then i'm gonna leave the

restaurant and get in like a civic from like 1995 put on rocky like a hurricane dude and fucking peel out dude it's like the shittiest car in the world just to like confuse the shit out of them dude hell yeah yeah hell yeah where like like you get in and and you know how when you get in there's that part where you're like pissed off and then they can see where the automatic seat belt hits you on the side of the face where it goes up and you're trying to like it you know like and then you like fucking flip off and then you wheel the the dude i would i would queue it up though and like really fucking rev the engine. Like it would sound like a fucking bomb went off, dude. Like an Uncle Buck where the fucking backfire comes out like that.

You know what I'm saying? Dude, that would be insane. And you know what? Think about how confused they would be, dude. So I think that's... I get it. I know what you're going to do. You don't drink. You're sober. you're not gonna do any drugs so when you got that kind of money you're gonna go i gotta

fill my day so what i'm gonna fill it with is confusing the fuck out of people yeah by going up and doing random i do i do want to film it though dude because those are the best moments for me man like dude being sober and like that's kind of like what you, that's what I look forward to is like those random occurrences. Yeah. I just think it's, I don't know, man. Like I've always had that sense of humor. Like people are always like, dude, you're a hard read, man. Like I don't understand you. And it's true, man. Like the funniest shit to me is like, think about the most professional situation, dude. Like this most serious fucking situation. Yeah. And then think of like the most professional situation, dude. Like, the most serious fucking situation. Yeah.

And then think of, like, the most random thing happening in that situation, dude. Oh, man. Ray and I have talked about this, about when you think about sketches and you do things. Yeah. It's like, what's fun about certain sketches is the pattern or how it's laid out is you have to have absurdity and then you have to have like the um uh you have to have like the the normal guy like to so so you have to have the country the uh what is it called the i can't even remember the name of the what the the control like the control to work off of that. So you have to have a thing where,

now it could be one of two things. Scenario, like everything's perfect and then you have a random thing or you have a, like everything is the most random and then you have one normal thing that's inside there. You know what I mean? You have to have like a good, you have to be good at like cinematography, dude.

But I've always wanted to be in a movie where I'm in like a random scene, dude. Because that's all I ever think about, dude. Yeah. Like, especially in like these new shows that are coming out. Yeah. Like, have you seen Ozark? No, I haven't seen Ozark, but I, you know, people talk about it.

Dude, so there's like a, there's one of the episodes, one of the final episodes, it's like a family, dude, a husband and a wife, two kids in the back, they're in a Honda Odyssey. Fucking a tractor trailer swerves towards them and the van flips like 20 times and so they end up in the woods and they're like all fucked up and you're like oh shit someone died but nobody died they all lived dude so like the husband gets out the two kids get out the husband's like are you okay are you okay and uh the wife is the last to get out so the husband pulls the wife out and he sets her up against the honda and he's like are you okay like and in that moment dude as like a director i thought how funny it would be if she

started like speaking chinese like this is deep in this is like four seasons deep you are when it becomes so serious in your head you go man this would be if she if just like if just if just went into, and you're like, oh, dude. And then the show ended. It just gave the credits. Gave the credits right there. Five seasons in. It was like five years of TV.

Everyone's waiting for the end, and that's it. I think you, a random moment, and then it's done, and no explanation. There's like, you're like titillated from that. Like, it's just like the most amazing you know what i mean thing in the world imagine dude imagine all the high kids around the world watching like just like at the peak and they don't know what to do with themselves they're all fucking they're hanging on the edge they're just going what the fuck just happened and now they're sitting there going, was that Mandarin?

Like, what the hell was that? It would be so worth it, man. They're like, I have no idea. Now they're arguing about what language it would actually was. What did this person actually say? You know? And it's like, why is it's end? No.

This is not the end. This isn't it. That's what you. Another scenario, dude. Just finish the fucking. Have you seen the Jeffrey Dahmer shit? I watched the first episode Or the first two episodes Oh dude it's so entertaining

And this isn't even a spoiler Whoa That just The way they did it in the beginning Even just that The first It's so good man But this is how my mind works dude

So towards the end like It's just a fact There was But this is how my mind works, dude. So towards the end, like, it's just a fact. There was a moment where they were like, listen, Jeff, like, obviously you're going to jail. But you should prove to the judge that you're insane. And he was like, I'm not insane. But, dude, as a director, again, how funny it would be if he came into the courtroom to prove the shit he could do. Yeah, anything he could do. Dude, if he walked in with eagle wings, like a strap-on on his forehead.

Yeah, and he's, ha! Yeah. Ha! Dude, he tells the judge he's there to file his taxes. Yeah. Dude, that'd be fucking sick. he's like oh man yeah yeah and he's like dude this is what is it my birthday like was this let's fuck it yeah starts throwing fucking mashed potatoes at people dude yeah man i don't even know where you get those mashed

potatoes from if you just had them in a bowl and you just took them from dude and it's no it's not even mashed potatoes it's it's the instant mashed potatoes but they haven't even added the water yet it's just flakes like it's confetti but he's just smashing it like it's fucking grains of sand laying it you know what i mean like it's just yeah yeah that whipped out like a like a cassette like an audio like a big speaker dude yeah it was like it was like an overlap of like farts and like latin oh and fucking farts dolphins, yeah. But like the background of it is like Enya. Like, you know, the Enya. It's like.

Like that is in the background. He's just playing it. It is just like. It's like, you know, it's like. Dude. Yeah. I mean, honestly, man, like people would lose like at least five years of their life, but the jury would definitely shift a little bit.

You know, someone might be like. Well, at that point, if it got to if that happened and then that the idea was to prove it then it would be to the point where it's like well then the jury can't all agree upon it so wouldn't be if it was then then then next you know then they have to redo the whole trial over it's a hung jury yeah so then they would have to do it all over again split decision dude yeah split split decision split decision dude yeah split split decision split decision fight right there it's like oh man is he crazy is he not crazy i mean the idea of anybody doing that but like he's not gonna say he's but man that's fucking insane but like you

think of the darkest most like those moments where it's supposed to be so serious. And then this is when you add like absurdity to it. I think you could do that for a lot of things. And then, and then it's gotta be like to do that and then cut and then it's onto the next thing. Yeah. But dude, it's people think it's like a joke,

but it's like, dude, to make it funny, like you have to have like a good buildup. You have to have like a, like a very serious buildup. No one to have a very serious build-up. No one expects it. And then at the end, it's like fucking fireworks, dude.

How many things have happened in people's lives where there have been serious moments? But real-life moments where somebody's sitting there and they're on the phone and they're like, listen, grandma's dead. And it's like, what? And it's like, grandma's dead. And then all of a sudden you hear, wait, what? You're like, hold on a second.

I'd like a number four. You know, the extra pickles. Yeah, man. It's so sad. But those are the natural kind of things that happen all the time it's like you can't fucking call me in the drive-thru when you're getting ready to order and telling me that grandma died oh yeah but for you you're like comedy yeah it's it's super dark like it's super fucked up but it's to me but there is a place but there is a place for

those things like there are things that have made like i don't watch the simpsons i don't yeah um but there were a few episodes over the years that i had seen one that stands out in particular is um what's her what's the sister's name is it lucy um i've never watched what's her name maybe lucy is it lucy or is it lisa lisa it's lisa lisa simpson um yeah so she's doing this story about she's like nobody's lived in this uh house for years and they believe or believe that there is this lady that lives in here and she's crazy and she's got all kinds of cats whatever it is and then she goes the door and then all of a sudden like the door opens and the woman's like and she's and cats are jumping out the window and she's throwing them at her right now yeah okay fine it was set up and that happens that's funny

but then she cuts another scene where she's standing there she's trying to do a news report i think it was for school or whatever it was and And she's like, this is a railroad track that we've had through Springfield. The train hasn't gone on here in years and years and years. And all of a sudden, the train goes by. I'm like, oh, that's funny. That's funny. Right? But then once the train, and it's like sitting there, and she's just standing there for the

longest time. But as soon as the last train goes by, the fucking cat lady comes flying around and starts throwing the cats at her again. I started throwing it. I fucking cried laughing because it was just what the fuck it was the most random shit in the world i don't know why that sticks in my head because it's such a stupid thing but i guess that's why is you know simpsons were so successful whatever but that kind of shit is the stuff that makes me fucking laugh yeah you know i don't know i mean dude honestly like i wouldn't expect like a lot of people to be on the same page as that so i don't bring it up a lot because you really can't

dude like in a serious conversation especially with other comics but that dude that's honestly man that's what comedy is to me man like if you have a punch line that no one can guess it's kind of sweet man you know it is it is there are there are different kinds of, like, there's the curveball, the one that people don't expect. But then there's also the one where you put it out there on a platter for them, and they almost want you to do it. So you delay it, and they're like, and then you give it to them. A lot of times it can be like an act out, you know, kind of thing or whatever. That's like when I do the blowjob joke when i talk about a lot whatever right and so it's like when i do that it's like i already give it to them and they're like wait what and now it's like they want me to do it like i

have to do it for them so then it's like oh okay and then once the real the real act out is there then it's like okay but then you know the randomness uh that you were talking about i used to have and it's just funny when you're talking about the Ozark with the Chinese voice. I used to do this bit about, and I think somebody said, oh, I forgot what show. They're like, they stole it from you because I was doing it for years and years before this show had it done. But I talk about with a white guy with an Asian accent

and I talk about like oh I hear all kinds of people with accents but I've never heard like a white guy with an Asian accent then I always like break it down to where it's like okay like how would that happen like so I'm like okay the scenario I think of is that like maybe he was born in Okinawa

because his parents were stationed out there because they're in the military but they hated him so they just left and then he was raised by a Japanese family and then like he grows up and then like born in Okinawa because his parents were stationed out there cause they're in the military, but they hated him. So they just left. And then he was raised by a Japanese family. And then, then like he grows up and then like you're friends with this guy. And then like, then you just go to like a Chinese or Japanese restaurant and then you just, you just watch the bullshit go down.

Right. You know what I mean? And so it's like, uh, um, and I, I would act it out. So I'd go in as like the,

if the, and you're just sitting there, you're like, all right, here we go. And the guy, like I'm just waiting for it. And the'd go in and you're just sitting there and you're like alright here we go and the guy like I'm just waiting for it and the guy comes over and he's just like

oh what would you like to order and he's like a number four well pork fry rye and he's like what the fuck you make fun of me he's like

I don't make fuck fun of you and he's like I piss in your eyes and I do this whole thing or whatever I don't really do it anymore because I think people frown upon white people

doing accents of other i think you did it at the show dude didn't you huh you might have done it at the show not that not that joke but um it was similarly where like i don't want to tell i usually don't tell this because i forgot what joke it was though yeah honestly probably had to do with asian people though dude might have yeah i don't know see but that's what... But when you're at a bistro... Dude, random shit like that is funny, though, dude. I don't know, man. My favorite comic is Nick Swartzen.

Oh, he does... Yeah, that totally makes sense. Yeah, man. He's like... And he's good at pee-pee-poo-poo jokes, too. Yeah, dude, I've never laughed so hard in my life. His funniest joke to me, obviously, I shouldn't tell other people's jokes. don't know word for word but you can't even find it on youtube dude but uh he starts off and he's like talking about like how funny it would be if like people back in the

day saw transformers for the first time and he like emphasizes like people's fucking brains would be like blowing off like if you saw just because of how like movies have developed over the years yeah like people back in the day they were like all right this next movie transformers you saw the fucking trailer he was just like yeah people's brains would just be fucking blowing off and he was like uh he was like i want to make a movie that's like the trailer's like really serious it's about like a struggling family and he mentions like death and stuff and then at the end like the title shows and it's boner soup like you just like it's just so fucking funny to me just like you think about in your head and you're like think about how confused people would be dude yeah right exactly yeah dude he got like he didn't get in trouble but dude like he has a video

uh he has a fart joke and uh which is funny as fuck but uh it's like a suicide joke oh yeah about like someone killing themselves over a fart and he acts it out and he's like imagine if someone farted imagine if someone came into a room with a gun yelled who the fuck farted and blew their head off like that's so random dude but it's like i don't know man just like the first time i saw it i was like in tears laughing because you're i'm just like in my dorm room i'm like oh like let's see what this guy's about yeah and he says that you're like that part is where so many people like you know get all bent on sheep's people have killed themselves before yeah no no and it's like yeah people have farted before but we all laugh at that shit but it's just like when you combine

because it's it's clearly ridiculous and i think that's where like the comedy will comes from it's like if something like i know you're picturing it in your head but somebody's like who the fuck farted people like what are you doing and he's just speaking of that have you seen um is it is it i think it's what is it called billion geves yeah have you seen those um it's the they have their show coming out like tonight yeah yeah yeah tonight have you seen the other things from last the the other sketches that they did yeah most of them yeah did you see the one where he was like a cop uh sleepwalking yeah that was so fucking dude i fucking died when i first saw that i just didn't expect that you know what i mean and i think that kind of shit is just like

absolutely hilarious like uh what's the uh the other one there they do um the uh only fans dad yeah you've seen that one too the only thing they just come out and do i mean just sitting down for at dinner and you're oh oh oh and I was like let's go check on that and the mother's just like get the fuck out I want to go out there

and he goes up there and he's like oh god how do you think you got this house oh it's like dude all of that

to me is like I haven't seen stuff like that in a while and that really genuinely like made me

it's been a while since I've laughed like that from like sketches and stuff it is weird man like the time we live in dude it's so like rare that you there's like a moment where you're like actually in tears laughing so when it does happen for me at least it's always like something random yeah it always has been yeah the randomness of things do you do tiktok do you do you have it do you go to school through it no i think if you're looking for randomness you might be able to get it from there.

I mean, there's patterns of things, but to be able to finally find something that just randomly happens, you know. TikTok would be good, and that's, I know for myself, I know I want to utilize it. A lot of comics are utilizing it to, I mean, just to have a small bit. Like, instead of having your whole set,

you find something that you. Yeah, man. Warning, warning to you, dude. The attention span is. You got about two seconds, bro. Yeah, yeah. So it's it's it's it's crazy. But I've seen people do very, very well with being able to do it, just being able to find it and get the content out there. It is kind of scary, though, dude.

Like. I mean, when I was in college, it was like eight seconds. Now it is kind of scary though dude like i mean when i was in college it was like eight seconds now it's getting even lower dude it's like you know well yeah because you're talking about vine but now but the thing is is tiktok also has a point where they can no i just meant like attention span attention span for people in general oh yeah oh yeah and it's um um so what is it that somebody has to be able to grab people's attention really quick i mean i don't know um i think first off it's like quality to be able to grab people's attention really quick? I mean, I don't know. Um,

I think first off it's like quality of something too, but even that's not even good. Cause I've seen stuff that just don't look good. But then that ends up fucking hysterical. There's no real way of being able to do it. I think it just comes back to kind of what you were saying before with, with comedy and stuff, just being yourself.

I think what happens is we've made me like, I think I'm guilty of it. Maybe you're guilty of it too you're just overthinking things yeah thinking too far into it and it's like when i'm on stage i don't think too far into it yeah i mean i'm just in the moment you know that last show we did together um the guy that was on the there that there was a table on the left-hand side when we were on stage. It was a guy that I knew,

and it was his son and his wife. And Danny, when he went up on stage, he was asking the kid, he was like, oh, I just graduated from high school. And whatever, he's like, oh, he's going to college? Like, yeah. He's like, well, what do you need? He's going to go to school to be a pharmacist.

And I forgot what the name of the school. And then Danny was like, he was like, oh listen there's you're not gonna get any pussy at that farm like pharmacy school you're not there's no pussy at the pharmacy school and then uh um and he's like no i got a girlfriend it's like oh it's like oh where does she go and it's like it was no college in rhode island he's like there's a lot of dick at that college you know what i mean and that's what danny was doing yeah you saw a green light yeah so I'm like oh okay so when I first went up there and I brought up to him and I'm like listen I'm gonna tell you right now I says sure he might be onto something about not a lot of pussy in college I go but when you become a

pharmacist I go dude you're gonna have all the pussy you're gonna have all the pussy you know how much women will give up pussy for Oxycontin? You know what I mean? It's just like, you're not insured? Don't worry about it. And so it was like, oh, a moment of like, okay, I want to say something. But it was like right in the moment. It's like, okay, he said the stuff. But when I went up there, it was just like, I didn't know what I was going to say. But I just knew I needed to talk about it.

But I felt like there was like, oh, I can do it to where you twist it instead of it being like a negative thing it's like okay let's take it yeah college might be tough but an adult let's look at things from a different perspective you know what i mean yeah it always happens in the moment man it's weird i always say it just feels like you're kind of in like a coma oh yeah yeah oh yeah there was a lady once um i think this just goes into like in my head i'm like how do i want to be perceived when i'm on stage i want to be perceived in a way that i feel like i that i who i am as a person it's like i want to like i feel like i'm a nice guy and even if i say things on stage that might be rude or even dirty i feel like at the end of the day i don't want it to be like a negative

aspect of things so there was time i went on stage this woman saw to the side she kept standing up it was over at the comedy she kept standing up she had like a bedazzled like blazer she had it was like a like shoulder pads all that kind of stuff and she just kept like like just putting her thumbs up yeah and i was like man what the hell are you all right and she's just like i'm like you just look like every crazy person i've ever seen in any video in a new york subway right and and just made an offsen and it was not that's not funny whatever but the the crowd was like oh she's a cancer survivor and this is me not paying attention being in the green room just

shooting the shit like we do and not paying attention what's happening on the show so i didn't know that somebody was talking about her earlier on it like and like oh she's got she's a cancer survivor and now the crowd's like oh like what are you gonna do and so and i'm like you know what you know what congratulations and the crowd's like then i'm like you know what congratulations for you surviving cancer so you can be made fun of like everybody else fucking good for you and all of a sudden like it was like a weird thing like it's switched and you could see like the crowd was like yeah you know what fuck that cancer surviving bitch up like yeah yeah get her you know what i mean and it's like but i wanted it to be like i don't want to be negative about the thing but if

we're going to talk about it it's like yeah she's fucking standing up because she's fucking survived something and she's feeling fucking fantastic. If she wants to be a fucking cunt during this goddamn show, then she deserves the right to be able to do it. She wasn't saying anything. She was just standing up, giving me fucking thumbs up at a bedazzled. What am I going to do? You know what I mean? So I wanted to make fun.

It turned into one thing. And then it is what it is. You know? Sick fuck, dude. Yeah. Ray did one where one guy, he was making fun of this dude. And the guy, like, he couldn't see. And this guy's like, I don't have an arm one guy, he was making fun of this dude, and he couldn't see, and this guy's like, I don't have an arm.

And his hand was missing. And then Ray turned around and he goes, wait, what? And instead of getting mad, he goes, I've been making fun of this guy for the past five years, and none of you guys, everybody around you guys didn't say shit about this guy. None of you guys said nothing to me. And you just allowed it to happen. And you're thinking, I'm the bad guy? But none of you guys said anything?

But then the funny thing was when he was going back and forth with them, there was a part where the guy ended up coming up on stage with Ray and they did a photo op where the guy stubbed and Ray bent over and he put his fist up his ass. Dude, the crowd fucking went nuts. Like it was absolutely hysterical.

But the guy went up to Ray afterwards and was like, he's like, thank you so much. You know, it was an injury. I think he had, I can't remember why it was, he sustained a certain injury. And he's like, but this was like, I haven't had this much fun in forever. And that was like, awesome. You know what I mean? Those are really, really cool moments, but they just, nobody plans for that shit awesome you know what i mean those are really really cool moments but they just nobody plans for that shit yeah you know i mean just happens organically and you want to do what you can to just kind of you know sometimes people want to be fucked around

with they want to have yeah that thing so it's just you know making things up the randomness of things you know yeah you just kind of turn like something dark and uh into something and something happens man yeah but i think that's the beautiful part of it. Like, that's just the world. And I think instead of just having the sensitivity to like all the negative aspect of things, you know, and people are like, oh, because you can't talk about this

because so many other people are suffering. It's like that's, this moment right now, this thing happened and it was fucking funny you know like this i don't know it's when you want when you're watching a president fall down or fall upstairs to get onto the the like a helicopter that's funny yeah that's fucking funny well said man that was fucking beautiful dude i have that's the thing i'll talk about certain night and i've talked about this with john i've talked about this with the with the other people talking about it with ray and maybe we can even just add on this there's one i think this is funny maybe

you think it's funny too but i always think of this scenario and i almost want it to be it's like a scary it's like scary i want it to be like presented almost as if it's a horror thing, but it's the, because it's a hard thing, it becomes funny. Yeah. It's just scene set where somebody walks in here, the squeaking of like going into like a public bathroom and you know how you hear that lights, right? Right. And, uh, and it's just a bunch of urinals that go down.

Right. And it's urinals that don't have the, the barricades, like the wall in between. It's just a bunch of open ones. Right. And it's a good number of them. Right. And, uh, like the idea is like, okay, so a lot of guys will go in and it's like, all right, I'm not going to go to the front.

I'm just going to go to the one all the way in the end for this way. I'm just going to go to the front i'm just going to go to the one all the way in the end furthest away i'm just going to go and pee and um and then uh what happens is is then you hear like while he's getting getting ready to pee then you hear the door open again and you look over and another guy's just kind of standing there and you make eye contact or you look over you're like yeah you know you just did like a little nod right and then the guy walks over to that first urinal and then when you're like like that furthest away you're like all right you know like he knows and he pees and then and then he looks back and he's like two other urinals over and you're like what the fuck he's like the hell and you're just gonna look back and then it's like even closer and like every time he's

just trying to like kind of finish up or whatever it is the fucking guy's like right there like right next to him whatever and i always imagined it to where it's just like, what? And then like that last night you look over and then you're like, what the fuck? And then you kind of, and then he just rises up like right there in front of you.

It is like, and like cuts. And then all you hear is like peeing, like on a boot, like, you know, like it's like on somebody's shoe. Yeah.

That's it. That'd be a good fucking sketch, dude. I think it's funny. Dude, that's not only is that a good sketch, that's like super relatable, man. Yeah. I think it's funny. Dude, that's... Not only is that a good sketch, that's, like, super relatable, man. Yeah, I think it's a...

Like, guys don't want... That's a good idea. It's like a rule thing. Yeah. But I think making it, like, to where it's just two guys and, like, I love the idea of the opening and then they're looking at each other

for, like, a second and it's just like... Yeah. Like an acknowledgement. The guy goes and... I think you should make it, dude. It it would be tough to you might have to rent out like a yeah i thought about places where like okay where do they still have some of those you know it would be like one of those like like a like a community college public bathroom or like an old like movie theater public like type of bathroom yeah maybe like a uh i mean maybe like an old diner old diner kind of thing if they have it big old diners like

old diners usually have like single things they're just like really small i'm thinking like maybe at like a wellness center dude like a fucking football field yeah like like an old old like a like a concert venue yeah like an outdoor like what's the one like the Xfinity Center in uh um Massachusetts making the light flicker would be like the hardest part I know man I know I mean such a crucial part to it though dude I I want I think but I think the thing is is you can add what would be funny is if it was completely dark and you turned on the lights and a dude was pissing in the dark. You just turn on. The guy's just peeing right there.

I like the idea of it's like you turn on the light. Like it went off and then it turned back on. And that guy that was facing the urinal is now facing the opposite direction and just peeing just on the floor. But literally standing right where the urinal is but just facing away from it just peeing you know i mean that could be like a blooper yeah it's just like oh yeah a blooper and it's like oh you're standing in the wrong oh my god okay cut fucking a why do you keep doing it i couldn't see anything the lights fucking it's real dark you know i think that's dude honestly that's, it might take a while. Honestly, it probably wouldn't take that long. If, like, the actual action parts, just maybe the lights, like the editing.

I think you can add the buzz in. You can add the buzz in in post. So it's that of the light or whatever it is. And you possibly could, like, I don't know, man. There's ways to be able to edit that kind of thing but i like i just love the idea of showing the look and the look and then standing there and then it's just kind of like looking down and then looking over and it's just and then but like you know how like when something happens and then they cut to the next thing and it goes like that like that has that like oh fuck like each time that it moves down uh that person i think that's just

yeah i'm not even saying it's like a legitimately good idea man yeah you should if you don't make it now i'm gonna be upset john was sitting there saying like oh wouldn't it be funny if the guy like even went down i was like hey can you leave the guy said like he gets close and goes i have to shit honestly i think it would be the funniest with no dialogue yeah no yeah no dialogue whatsoever that's what that's how i originally had i'm like you don't have to have anything it's just the perfect scenario of where it's scary for a guy to be like because even just when you're like in the yeah you also have a punch line which is pissing on the boot yeah the guy like kind of rises up right where you just kind of and you're just kind of like struggling just trying because you're trying to get started with peeing it's like i could even see him get in

there and he's just like come on here's the door open what the fuck like like looks over and the guy looks and he's like you know yeah and then goes to that first urinal and it's like, all right. Looks down, it's like, come on, come on, come on, come on. Looks over, what the fuck? Like, this makes it worse and he's just trying to finish or at least get started. But then that guy scoots his way. But I just think making it suspenseful is what makes it funny.

Like, you do it like a horror, but it's just funny because that's the, any guy at a urinal is just not, you know. I don't think it's just funny because that's the... Yeah. Any guy at a urinal, it's just not, you know... I don't think it's unattainable, man. I think you can honestly make it. I think it's easy. You need someone who's, like, good at editing, though.

I think you could film it easily, but, like, editing would be like... I know a few people. I know a few people that could do that. I mean, Ray and I have had some connections from doing the stuff that we've done with Be A Man and Undependent um that uh chuck is great at editing stuff as well um ray's been able to do a lot of stuff we did a lot of sketches and stuff back in the day uh too um but you better do it man yeah it'll be a pussy what about us what other what's one sketch idea in your head that just hasn't left?

I mean, I've made most of them. Um, I stopped making sketches after COVID, but, um, I can't even think of any right now, dude. I made a lot of fart sketches,

man. Oh yeah. And right now, dude. I made a lot of fart sketches, man. Oh, yeah? And, yeah. I haven't really thought about anything. I'm trying right now. It's so hard, dude. It's all good. It's all good.

Do you write stuff down in, like, your phone or anything like that? COVID happened, man. It was, like, a big thing. Everyone started making sketches, and then, you know, I was, like, really into it. It wasn't, like, quality, but uh you know i was like really into it it wasn't like quality but you know i like enjoyed it um but a lot of the the ideas i had dude they were just like unattainable because of editing like i didn't have the resources i would also bring up the ideas to people and they'd be like dude what the fuck you know yeah getting people to do it is the toughest part there There's one I wrote the other day. Wow.

A support group. All right. All of them. And they're sitting there just like talking about it. Because a lot of times even with like, what was it? I think it was Jason. It's like, dude, I was about to. She never came before.

She told me she never came. And I almost made her came. And he fucking stabbed us through the tent or whatever like that would be easy to make so you know but like they're in a support group and it's like some people are taking it harder than others they're like you know and i like hockey you just with the man it just you know it ruined it you know it's like but I don't know. That was a fun scenario. And a lot of times I'll just talk about it with my girlfriend.

We'll just come up with little fucking dumb shit. Yeah, I mean, dude, that's honestly the reason I stopped, though. Because I was thinking about, I would make all these sketches, and then I would be like, I would plan them out, and then I would message people who I think would be good in the sketch, and they'd be like, dude, you're insane. But then I would make the sketch, and it would do well like yeah like just like people are just like nobody wants to fucking be in a sketch dude you know sketch yeah i'll be in a sketch you want to bring it back up again you let me know i lived i'll send you some ideas dude i fucking hope you answer me dude yeah yeah

that'll keep me up all night dude oh yeah i will i 100 100 even if it's just like i do miss it man i miss making sketches yeah you know yeah it didn't help me too it i used to do it all the time all the time um right and i used to do this thing called jenny and barb you ever seen those no we did um jenny and barb are two women um we used to dress as women but we were women that were obsessed with black friday um and we have like uh like minnesota uh accents you know oh i love chris you know whatever yeah now that sounded like a different kind of accent but anyway um but uh we were dressed up i'll have to find pictures and i'll have to find, show you the videos or whatever it is.

But we ended up doing these small clips as if we were waiting outside of a store. Um, and it was the 12 days leading to Christmas and it was a sketch each time. And then we ended up doing Ginny and Barb doing hardcore show. Um, and we went up on stage together as these characters, like we did sets earlier, but then we ended up doing it at the end where him and I would go up as Ginny and Barb. People fucking loved it. Really? Oh, yeah.

But we did these sketches. It was just like they were fucking funny. But we did that for a little while. Me, Ray, and Brian used to do Go To Guys. That was our little sketch group thing that we did. Just the three of us would do dumb shit i think at the connection the last i mean the last sketch i made was with uh jimmy cash and maya oh okay and it was called fart therapy okay and it was about two dudes who basically like their lives had been ruined because of farts

and uh like it was like jimmy as a janitor and there were like a few cuts where like he was in the secretary's office and he was cleaning and he bent over and hit the intercom by accident and farted yeah and like the teacher was giving a lecture she was like today we're gonna learn about respect and then like the fart came through the intercom and then it would show uh like gym class like the the gym teacher was like showing the class how to shoot a free throw, and then the fart comes to the intercom again, and the ball hits someone in the head, and they get knocked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it showed me, like, I had a sketch. It was called Frankie Farts, and I had a brother, Frankie, and it's about how there was an explosion. Like, he lit his fart on fire and blew up the house. And I was like, I lost my eyebrows. Like, Frankie lost his life. And, yeah, the sketch is just us in therapy, but it's, like, fart therapy. Okay.

So it's, like, me and Jimmy, and we're both, like, idiots. We're both, like, farts have ruined our lives. Like, we haven't been able to like surpass this. And Maya was the therapist and like the punchline was like, Maya, like motivated us. It gave us a good therapy session. And then it shows us leaving.

And then Maya like rips one and smells it. And she just says like, it's going to be a good day. Oh yeah. That's fun. So it was like fart shit like that. But like, if you pitch that idea to someone, dude, be like never talk to me again dude well it's it's hard to explain man like it's hard to explain an idea simple like silliness i don't know i feel like

at this point now there's so much kind of content that are out that's out there to where it's like that I guess nothing is off the table. Yeah. I would only make a sketch if I was like, this is going to be good. You know what I mean? Like some people bring up ideas and I'm like, just not me, man. me man sometimes it's like um um like it it doesn't like depending on what you have for equipment and what you're capable of doing and who's around or what kind of stuff sometimes you have to just like keep it keep it small keep it simple stupid uh right i say it all the time like keep it simple stupid um and then and then but once you bring it down to base it doesn't have

to go so elaborate and so when you bring it to a place where it's just like, you know, it's you and you, one other guy, and then the therapist. And then it's just like, oh, okay, it can be fun because you have it. It's funny, too, because I'm younger. It's funnier to make videos when you have a young person and an older person. I don't know, man. You just kind of have to like accept your role dude you know what i mean like i'm not going to be playing like an emotional roller coaster character

dude right right right right you can have other people that can do those things just know your part to what that is yeah and but then that means it's like yeah or is there going to be the person that maybe shines or whatever it is but if it wasn't for the other characters involved then the sketch falls apart altogether anyway so yeah just knowing it's like okay you can help write that but you're like well that doesn't mean i have to be that character i mean i'll be the guy that's standing in the background yeah and like you have to have people who are like i can accept that like i can accept that like for me i'm gonna be like i know i'm not gonna have a lot of dialogue you know what i mean yeah but like i can accept that some people will be like no dude like i want

you know what i mean yeah but like i can accept that some people will be like no dude like i want i want my own line dude no man it's like no i don't give a fuck about that shit i do not care about any of that yeah you know if i can be the guy sure if i don't have to be that's fine i just like to be a part of things that are like fun or and funny and cool um uh being on like doing things collectively i don't mind doing those and finding the role to what that is the reason why is because stand-up comedy allows me to be my own fucking star of the show i so i have my outlet for whatever that is it feeds whatever if there is if there is a hint of narcissism there, that's where I get my, that's where I get that. You know what I mean? That's okay. I get, I'm able to enjoy that because I have control over all of that. I don't have to

depend on anybody else to do any of that kind of stuff. Um, but I used to do improv when I was younger in high school. Um, I mean, when I was in high school, I did drama. I was in a, I did drama classics. I lived in California first when I, from middle was in high school i did drama i was in uh i did drama class because i lived in california first when i from middle school into high school so i did drama one drama two advanced theater production play production i did uh then i was in the improv team uh then i was in then i went on to do uh the grease um then a fiddler in the roof. Um, I did. Um, and then I would teach like improv, um, to like,

um, I would do like these games that I would set up for everybody when we do our like shit, our shit. And then I would, then I would go to the middle school when I was in high school to go to afterschool program for them and then teach them to do improv and things like that.

And then when I thought about doing comedy, when it really triggered me is I actually was, uh, uh, my oldest kid is his mother and I had split up. And so there's this girl, this other girl I took on a date and we went to go see Brad Sherwood and Colin mockery at the, um, at the PPAC. So they were two guys that were on whose line is it anyway. And, and so I'm watching them and I'm up in the balcony and I remember the girl was like she's like are you all right like you seem like you're like upset whatever I was like no I just I'm having a great time I go I just know I can do this like I can be like I can and so it's like and it wasn't about improv is about being funny and being on stage.

So then it was like, I need to do this. So I was like talking about it. My father ended up showing me this brochure about going to an open mic and doing it. And then from there it was, it was off to the races. Six years later, from that time when I started fast forward, now I'm walking out on that same stage and I'm opening up for Kevin Hart. And so it was like, wow, like six years right after when I thought about doing standup, then that was kind of like the full turnaround or whatever.

But it all came from, um, like doing things with people and learning how to like improvise and understanding what improv is. I just couldn't get into being like, like as an adult, like in the improv world, like I just wanted to kind of have the control there to do what I needed to do. But it also taught me about like being able to act and being able to do scenes with other people and understanding the rules and not always having to be the person I'm from,

but finding your moments. Cause like you could be a person who doesn't say anything, the whole thing but you say one line because the whole thing's set up and you fucking murder with that line yeah it's it's all like anything can happen from any of those things um improv taught me where people that are dependent on lines so So if they do, if you're doing a musical or a play or a movie or whatever it is, um, you have your lines and then you depend on like another person do their lines. A lot of times people are like, okay,

so their last line is they say that. So I know I'm going to say the next line and people will remember it that way. So when you try to memorize, yeah, um, that's very difficult if you only look at it that way, because what if somebody goes off rail? What if somebody forgets their line?

So then now there's a domino effect and now you're fucked because you're dependent on somebody else to do things. So what improv allows you to do is to pay attention to what's actually fucking going on. So instead of just worried about the lines, well, what's happening in the scene? What's going on?

What are we talking about? So I can keep things going. So improv teaches you to do those things. So when I'm on stage doing stand-up, if there is a joke that kind of like went on for whatever or there's something happening in the crowd, the improv has allowed me to just be able to pay attention to that. Like I was telling you before, utilizing other senses and like it really, really, really did help.

And sometimes people think like, wait, you were a theater kid and you did all that shit. Yeah. I played football, was on the football team. I played quarterback. Boy Fox, dude. Huh? My boy Fox, dude. That was fucking crazy, dude. And so here's, listen, I don't know, but I have a joke, a bit that I want to work on about being like,

cause I won, I got the MVP award, but it was for JV. But then my funny, my, what I want to work on about being like, cause I won, I got the MVP award, uh, but it was for JV. Yeah. But then my funny, my, what I want to talk about is that like, that's, that's symbolic for how I've lived the rest of my life is that I've just been MVP at like JV level shit. Yeah. Like I'm not the greatest, but I'm really good at being like in the middle. I used to have a joke about that, dude. Yeah.

I used to play basketball in my mom's tights, dude. Yeah. I was, uh, I'll be like, yeah, I used to be all state JV.

Oh, no shit. All state. I used to legitimately play in my mom's tights though, dude. Yeah. I wanted to be like the NBA players. Oh yeah.

And have the, oh, okay. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So I'd be balling up at boys and girls club games, dude.

Hell yeah. So I like when I played up at Boys and Girls Club games, dude. Hell yeah. So when I played football, then I even like, it was like my sophomore year. Then I went to, there's a girl, I think she was a senior. And we went to homecoming together. And she was up, she was one of the homecoming queens up to, not, she was in the running for it um but she was a co-captain of the cheerleading team and i was only sophomore and uh and here's his thing she was uh half black

and half asian shit yeah so you were really fucking dude dude i was going to town so and that and the funny thing is in the fast forward years later, so my girlfriend now, the mother of my youngest son, she was Division I cheerleader at West Virginia, and now, you know, she's a lawyer. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, and she's in her 20s, and I'm almost 40. Bro, you fucking don't pull out. Hell no. My boy, dude. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, bro. Lock it in, man. Fuck, man. Yeah. I didn't know you fuck like that dude yeah it's um um few and far between but when they do it i just it's it's not uh it's not quantity it's quality bro yeah that's that's that's the way uh uh no um but that's i'm gonna look at you differently now though dude you know some people look at it like man to be a stand-up comedian you have to have some real real bad trauma in your life or it's just been really really fun yeah

you know it's uh i'm having a good time but she cares about me because she's the one who pointed out the stuff for the skin cancer and the whole nine and all that shit so yeah you know you're a different man now dude different person different person but she's a good girl like my i have to say everything leading up doing all the improv to playing football doing the sports you know uh doing comedy and stuff and i think it's all been a lot of fun like it's been a wild ride but of course you know you have your bumps in the road alcohol drugs um you know don't try it all the all the things i'm not everything i didn't do heroin i've never done you know pussy like that yeah but i've had moments with mushrooms i've done cocaine you've never been aged out dude no i'm

just kidding no completely not not i mean dude i you know you're right though dude man you just gotta keep having fun dude i don't think there's like an age that's attached to it dude you know that's it you know um i think that's calm right i think that's why yeah dude i've been staring at it the whole time i was like man hell yeah gotta figure it out man that's you gotta get your shit together but it's not but hey listen but that's also another sign That you're having fun Yeah You're having fun with yourself Are you Are you In a relationship right now?

Yeah I got a boyfriend dude Yeah He's coming off Why are you laughing dude? What the fuck? Huh? No I just I laughed along with you

I was just improvising dude See here's the problem Is that you're getting aggressive At the fact that I laughed I was improvising dude I was giving you a layup To improvise dude I was But when you Fuck Yeah Now you're doing liam neeson stuff where it's like we do the improv

have you ever seen that the sketch with liam neeson and it's um what's his name that wrote the office um he plays huh that the uh the british comedian the one that um ricky gervais ricky gervais yeah he wrote the album right there's a sketch with him ed and um liam neeson and liam neeson's like i would like to do some improvisation comedy and they're like what he's like we're gonna do improvisational comedy right now let's do it go set up the scene and they're like um okay and he's like something like i forgot what it was it was like uh um okay you are this kind of person but then there was whatever it is that they set up he's like he's like knock knock and it's like they're like open up he's like hi and it's like okay it was a doctor

whatever what seems to be wrong with you i'm riddled with aids and they're like okay hold on time out and it's like and they're like maybe that's probably not the thing and he's like we're just gonna i'm just you know but anyway my whole point was like there was a few times where they were trying to do it and they broke the scene and like he would stop and he'd be like i'm lord that's not the way we're supposed to do it like it and he was like taking control over the improv dude i have to show it to you when we're done with this it's really really really funny um but yeah uh sorry that i didn't roll the punches there about your boyfriend it's fine i'll give you another chance another time dude it's all good man he is attractive though yeah i mean we live together man like we're not ready to raise a family yet but

we're working towards it man you know one day at a time can we talk without the uh we done with the podcast yeah if you want to wrap this up dude yeah what do you so what are we supposed to say certain things or do you do a game or do you ask a question what do you do usually it just ends man all right usually i'm like dude you're the fucking best person ever man like i wish you the best bro like you're gonna crush it and then you'll be like dude thanks for having me yeah thanks for having me uh it was the same for you yeah um you know you just make up a bunch of lies about me dude and then like it ends bro all right so uh all right here we go improv yeah improvised it's like all right man that was

a good way to end dude you know like uh dude i had a great time man honestly dude like thank you so much for coming dude you know like you're uh you're honestly one of the funniest comedians i know out there, man. And honestly, man, I hope we see each other in the future. If we don't, it's fine, dude. But I really hope we do, man. And I wish you the best. I appreciate that.

I really wish I could say the same thing about you, but it's all good.