The Johnny Salami Podcast - Comedian Gordon Baker Bone

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

Comedian Gordon Baker Bone by The Johnny Salami Podcast

it's so crazy that pursuing something that you like to do to other people seems like the seems insane to them you know it's just like i'm doing something that's making me happy and everyone's like that's nuts yeah like you have like a legitimate disability like i mean people have always said that to me but now they're like Oh it's like It's concrete dude You know what I mean Simply because you moved It's cause I'm chasing my dreams dude Like all of a sudden It's like I'm a bad guy

You know what I mean Oh my god That's That is wild But dude Don't you think like In your head I don't know if I'm the only one

Who thinks this I think it's insane To like Stay in your hometown Bro That's fucking It's it blows my mind to see people that never left and i support people that never left but it's just like for me

personally my personality i couldn't i couldn't do it yeah i had to break away like i used to i grew up outside the city like literally uh maybe 14 miles away from new york maybe even 12 so ever since i learned how to ride the bus and take the train on my own i would cut school and just go to the city yeah because like there was no reason for me just to stick around like when people cut school and stayed in town, I'm like, why? Yeah. There's so much more out there. Yeah. I mean, like, yeah, I feel that. So you, like, you've been in New Jersey your whole life? Whole life.

I've left for college. I played soccer out in Ohio for a little bit. Shit, dude. That was very short-lived because it was, like, one of those towns. Xenia, Ohio, which is a dope school out there. World Before is happy to go out there, but, like, it was slow. Yeah. And, like, even at 18, I was just like, I can't live like this.

Yeah. Also, dude, when you're, like, fucking, when you're, like, that young, like, you can get away like this yeah also dude when you're like fucking when you're like that young like you can get away with like doing stupid shit yeah you know and then like you can recover from it yeah i can't go to like my childhood buddies now and be like you want to egg some houses like you want to do some crazy shit dude like i mean i would still be down to do that but like none of my none of my boys would you know what i'm saying i think i think in their heart they want to be yeah or they would be but they're just like something like something switched in their

brain where they were like i gotta settle down dude bro but like if one of my boys was like dude you want to like drink some coffee like throw some hail marys in the fucking dollar store parking lot dude i'll be there in a second man it's the shit I miss, dude. You know? I love the fact that's what your definition of a good time is. Fuck yeah, dude. That's what the day is, man. Oh, man.

But, yeah. You a big soccer guy growing up, though? Yes. My dad played out for, like, when he grew up in Guyana down in South America he taught me how to play soccer my uncles uh played soccer also one of my uncles is a New Jersey state champion um and he uh they taught me and my brothers and my cousins how to play and I played in high school and uh dabbled in college my brother went further with it and like stayed longer in college and played yeah he still plays club ball now but i'm not

gonna lie dude i wasn't like a hater of soccer but i just like i didn't like the kids on the soccer team oh that's most of the people i played with i didn't like really like all outside of playing with them there was no reason for us to hang out. Damn. Yeah. What do you like so much about the sport, Dukes? It's kind of, like, slow-paced and, like – It can be slow-paced.

It all depends on the coaching and who you play with. Because, like, you literally can get the ball and change the whole momentum of the game by yourself. I played left forward, and I played center mid from time to time so whenever i got the ball it was pretty much all right you guys even need to keep up with me and be ready for whatever i do and we're gonna go from there shit yeah yeah dude i uh when i my old roommate he was really into soccer dude he would uh he would watch all the games dude and like he was so emotional about it man oh it drives you up a wall yeah dude like i can never beat like even in football games

like sometimes i'm not i'm not like emotional like i'm into it yeah like i'm emotionally invested but sometimes i think he was gonna cry you know he's like screaming at the tv i'm like dude like i i almost got like that today uh i was watching amer play Iran and Iran. And just to know that was basically an elimination game, it just got me so worked up the whole entire 90 minutes of watching that game. Yeah. I mean, dude, I can sense that, though, just for, like, what, you're scoring, like, one, two goals a game.

Yep. One mistake changes the whole perspective for a team. Like, you could fuck up a play so bad, dude. Oh, bro. Like. I've seen it. Yeah. I've seen it, and, like, I've had that moment, and it's just, like, it is heartbreaking, but it's also, you feel for the players, but also, like, you kind of –

you also, like, get giddy about it also because, like, you peep when they make that one mistake and you go, got him. Yeah. Dude, is it just me or, like, back in the day when soccer was, like, obviously still around, but, like, it just seemed like the players and the refs went at it, like, a little more? Yeah. Yeah.

I kind of like how more passionate they were back then yeah how you know if someone made a mistake it could have cost them their life it's crazy how like all sports have changed in that regard dude yeah it's a new um yeah it's the new mentality of understanding and sports psychology that people uh empathize with yeah and we're just being soft dude yeah you gotta start throwing hands again, dude. I don't see how that would lower views. I feel like that would definitely jack him up. It would definitely up him.

It should be like Seattle, dude. You can mutually agree to just fucking throw hands. Let's do it. Let him go. I feel like a lot of soccer players would do that, too, dude. For sure. Hell yeah. I've wanted a lot of soccer players would do that too, dude, for sure. Hell yeah. I've won the fight a couple times.

I've got a lot of people's faces during matches. Is it like a sly tackle or some shit? Sly tackle? I've actually ran on the field for my brother during a club game. Somebody tackled him wrong and didn't even, like, make contact with the ball. Like, you can tackle somebody as long as you make contact with the ball first. But, like, the way the kid slid in and got my brother, like, the referee was carding him.

But, like, by the time he blew the whistle, me, my dad, I think, and my mom and, like, maybe my cousin were, me, my dad, I think, and my mom, and maybe my cousin were already at midfield. Someone was like, oh, shit, dude. We weren't even looking at him. We were just like, all right, let's do this. Dude, I feel like a lot of soccer players are like that, dude. Yeah.

Dude, I remember when I was in high school, bro, I was in love with this chick who was fucking crazy, dude. Dude, I don't even know. I think I messaged her on AIM, dude. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, this is way back. I said, hey, dude. Dude, she told her boyfriend who played soccer that I sent her a dick pic, dude. Off a hey?

Yeah, dude. She sounds messy. He got my number, dude, and texted me and was like, meet me at the soccer field. We're throwing down. He was like, I got people coming. And I just sent him a screenshot of the conversation. I was like, dude, like, you know.

Dude, he was ready, dude. He was like, I got my boys, dude. He was like, bring whoever you want, dude. Even being a soccer player, that's the last place I would ask someone to meet me. Does it try to sound intimidating? Yeah. For sure. There's only so many places you can meet, but definitely be like, fucking weird place, dude.

You meet me at the pitch. I'm like, what? Oh, okay. Rather like meet you In the woods or something Dude you know what I mean Like Yeah Yeah

Give me somewhere scary I'm trying to get fucked up At midfield you know No Yeah nobody wants that Right on the logo dude Someone takes a picture That's the thing dude

Like if someone takes a video Like it's like Oh I wonder where they are It's like Oh no no They definitely at midfield I don't know man Dude soccer players Are fucking feisty though dude Oh yeah Oh, no, no. They definitely have midfield. I don't know, man.

Dude, soccer players are fucking feisty, though, dude. Oh, yeah. I've definitely, like, earned more respect. I mean, that doesn't make sense, but I respect soccer, like, so much more than when I was younger. Just because my brain wasn't, like, fully developed. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

That's with everything. Like, I understand, like, in America or in the States and things like that, it's not as big as a sport as football and basketball or even hockey for that matter. But it's one of those things that if you get into,'re you just you really get into it yeah really really get into it you get super passionate about it i think like if more people knew about the the like the culture behind it and the passion behind it that you would have more fans even just going to a game dude in europe that'd be fucking bro i i have a couple friends that went out to a couple matches out there. And when they go and they tell you about it, they're like, yo, it has nothing on football. Because, like, football is slow.

You run a play, then you got 30, 40 seconds to set back up and run another play. Soccer is nonstop. got 30 second 30 40 seconds to set back up and run another play yeah soccer it's non-stop yeah it's 45 it's 245 minute halves of continuous action unless someone gets hurt that's the only time you stop and even then they might even keep going yeah even dude even when the buccaneers played in germany dude like i was like holy shit yeah they get behind it yeah i mean you look at like dude i'd like i've fallen asleep at like baseball games oh bro that is the best place to sleep yeah like i i've been in so many yankee games and knocked out and then people are like how it's very easy i think they're catching on too dude like they were just like you can just start taking steroids again literally dude i was at a game with Like, they were just like, you can just start taking steroids again.

Literally. Dude, I was at a game with my brother, and he was like, dude, you know you just take steroids now, right? Yeah. I was like, no fucking way. Oh, yeah. And the rule is literally just like, fuck it. Like, you can just. Yeah, they need the ball to be hit at all times to keep people weak. Yeah, and everyone's like, oh, dude, Aaron Judge is, like, making it.

It's like the dude's 6'6". He literally just has to touch the ball, dude. You know he's bigger than Miles Garrett? Yeah, that guy's fucking massive, dude. Dude, that guy's quads are, like, literally the size of me. Like, it's fucking insane, dude. It's wild. Like, dude, if you see, like, a professional athlete on TV, you're like, oh, they're not even that big.

And then you see him in person, you're like, holy shit. But, like, even that guy, you see him on TV, and you're like, oh, they're not even that big. And then you see him in person, you're like, holy shit. But like even that guy, you see him on TV and you're like, hey, that's fucking huge, dude. People think Tom Brady's this small guy and you see him in person and you realize he's all of like 6'4". And like people think he's not ripped,

but like for 6'4", athletic dude, he's pretty, yeah. Yeah, that guy's a sex god, dude. Yeah. Like. Yeah, that's why he moved out of Tampa. He went down there to fuck something up. Tear it up, dude.

But I love how everyone's like, oh, man, he's divorced. I'm like, yo, he's getting it. Wherever he goes, he's bagging it. Yeah. Dude, you think he was cheating on his wife the whole time? I don't see why not. Yeah. he was cheating on his wife the whole time?

I don't see why not. I would be more surprised if he didn't cheat. Really? Yeah. Holy shit. That's a hard take. Yeah. Like, if you were on, pardon my take, dude, they would fucking, they would shut the shit down, dude. If somebody was like, yeah, you know Tom Brady's been favorable, I'm like, like really all those rings dude you should call one of those fucking talk shows say that

all those rings you mean to tell me he never took off the wedding ring go fuck yourself i don't know i mean that's tough dude like giselle is like the hottest woman oh she's she's a smoke show yeah but like bro i mean dude if you can cheat on your wife and perform at that level with no like mental scars you're a fucking robot dude yo he he's one of the greatest athletes i've ever seen i'm a colts fan and i i've watched him beat up on my team for many years. And it's just like, he's so good that you can't even be mad at him. Because he's just so precise and such a great athlete. So I'm just like, there's no way that he's not getting it thrown at him

wherever he goes. Yeah. I know dudes that work at McDonald's that are married and still getting people trying to fuck. I kind of want to know, like, what his, like, routine. Like, I know his routine's public, but I feel like that's, like, false advertising. Like, I wonder what his real routine is, dude.

I think the most honest thing that we've seen from Tom Brady is when he got hammered down in Tampa Bay after they won a championship. Yeah. And he was just walking around sloshed, and like oh that's the time yeah it's the time we fucking want to see dude but dude he's got to be doing like imagine if that was his like key to success was just like smashing 10 chicks at a time like the whole the whole idea is to like date a supermodel marry her and then and then smash, like, ten chicks.

Bro. Like, if that was the secret to life, dude. Do you understand the ego, like, someone would have if they got to fuck Tom Brady? He's dated six rings, the most well-known athlete in the world, dating a Victoria's Secret supermodel, but yet here you are about to woo Tom Brady. Dude, if I was a woman and I had sex with Tom Brady,

five minutes afterwards, I would kill myself. Is that the pinnacle? Yeah. I'd be like, dude, you've done everything. Like, dude, what more can you accomplish in life? It's no better than this. I can't eat eggs anymore.

You ever think about that, though, dude? Like, reaching the pinnacle and just being like, dude, like. Yeah, what's next? Yeah. Dude, I think about that though dude like reaching the pinnacle and just being like dude like what else yeah what's next yeah i do i think about that all the time yeah like bro if you like it's probably that analogy i was gonna be like dude if you sold out the garden yes 10 minutes later you're like i'll see you guys on the other side like you fucking crushed it dude Just 10 minutes later, you're like, I'll see you guys on the other side. Like you fucking crushed it, dude. Well, my business is done here.

Everyone would be so confused, dude. Should make thousands of people laugh for an hour. All right, well, I did that. Do you think about that, though, dude? Like rich people who are like, just get bored with shit? Yeah, I think about that though dude Like rich people who are like Just get bored with shit Yeah I think about that a lot Like I think that's where

People start to do Extra Like Eternal Like what's next Or like soul seeking afterwards Yeah Like I was watching that

That Pepsi Jet documentary Who like this millionaire who just lives in the mountains now because like he made all the money he climbed all the mountains and he was just like you know what now i'm just gonna go up in the mountains and live out my days fuck man i don't know if i'm ever gonna live like you know i'm never gonna reach that always just gonna be struggling dude yeah bro no i think I'd rather have it that way, though. The everyday struggle? My mom's like that, dude.

Yeah. Like, she's just like, I think if she had a million dollars, like, I think she'd still go to work. Oh, I still would go to work. I need something to do. Yeah. I definitely need something to do. But, like, if I had, like, if I had a million dollars, I would travel. And after traveling, yeah, it'd just be, I think I would go to Peru and just live in the hills.

A million dollars is kind of like a shitty number nowadays. For us, you know. 20 mil, dude. Yeah. Yeah, man, I don't know, dude. Like, sometimes I meet people and they're like, I wish I could just, like, retire today. And I'm like, what? And do what?

Yeah, just fucking sit on the beach. The people you invite aren't even going to be your real friends. Nope. Your real friends are going to be working. Yep. So you're just going to chill with people who are using you and then. Yeah, that would fucking suck. Yeah.

That would fucking, yeah. I mean, dude, think about how many friends do you actually have? Like three? I would say. Excluding your family Like Excluding my family I would say I have five

Real good friends Yeah That I talk to On a weekly basis And then outside of that I have like Like my My text friends

Who I text with daily Like I have a ton Of text threads With a whole bunch Of friends And comedians Yeah daily like i have a ton of text threads with a whole bunch of friends and comedians yeah who like i'm always having a conversation with and like but yeah yeah like i gotta i think i got a good squad of people around me but that took time yeah because i had some fucked up people around me for a long time yeah yeah i don't know man comedy like i hate talking

about comedy and like we probably won't talk about comedy like i hate talking about comedy and like we probably won't talk about it yeah fucking hate talking about it dude but like i get it no they're definitely like comics are a different level of like friendship for sure yeah yeah like feel like they're definitely more definitely more trustworthy until they make it like big yeah but and i get it like they they once you get a certain pinnacle you're doing other things you got different obligations and i get it don't hold it against them it's just like yeah man go ahead do your thing yeah everyone else though dude like business wise like can fuck themselves dude yeah for sure yeah fuck but yeah like if did win that, or if I had that much money, still would do my everyday.

I won't even tell anybody. Just like live day to day like I didn't have it. Yeah. It would just be, that would be how I would get my kicks in life. Yeah. Just pretending I don't have the money. Are you married or not? No, not married.

You fuck with fatties, dude? Yeah, bro. Really? Yeah, bro. For real? Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. My boy, dude.

You're talking like solid fives? Yeah, dude. I fuck personality more than I actually fuck looks and shit. Fuck that, dude. Yeah. Like, I've been with women that are 10s, but it's just like, if I can fuck with your personality, I can fuck you. You've been with 10s, dude?

Holy shit. Oh, yo, dude. I've been with some top notch. Like after a show? Yeah. After a show or just in like hanging out in life and it's been fucking dope but it's just also um dating somebody that's all into their looks also is not that fun but also like when you when you do hook up with somebody that's like got a dope ass personality and like i find that more

attractive than more than anything else yeah yeah i Yeah. I mean, dude, honestly, man, like, I think the real ones can attest to this, too. Like, if you've never been, like, a true fatty, like, you haven't lived your life yet. No. Yeah. No. Because they fuck for real. Yeah. Dude, so much more, like, so much more emotion, dude.

So much more passion, man. So much more passion. Yeah, dude. So much more passion man like so much more passion yeah dude so much more like i i hate somebody that is so full of themselves and they just lay there like all right you just yeah like a dead fish yep that's what they call it dude fucking it's the worst yeah i'd rather like hold a fatty by their fucking just by their head, dude. You got very intimate. Dude, I'm for sure like a passion HD guy, dude.

Yeah, bro. Everyone's talking about no fap. It's like, dude, just watch something emotional, man. Yeah, bro. Fuck yeah. Yeah, dude. Everyone's watching like fucking hardcore stuff. It's like, dude, just watch one where like the guy comes home from work, dude. He had a hard day.

Just like roses laid out and shit. That's such a sweet porn. You never fuck with Passion HD, dude? Oh, man. Fuck, now I'm going to go look for that. You got to, like, the trick is to, like, watch the whole thing, though. You got to watch the buildup. Yeah, man.

Like, that's the one thing I don't think a lot of people do anymore. Like, I don't like any porn of people Do anymore Like I don't I don't like any Oh yeah Any porn that just starts Right with the fucking right away Oh yeah dude So many guys

Like my age especially They'll just fast forward To like reverse cowgirl It's like Yeah Like what are you doing What are you doing man What are you doing

No wonder your mind's fucked dude Like And then dude Then they do that in real life Like it's like Yeah Why would you ever do that To a woman, dude?

Oh, a lot. There's so many dudes out there that have zero idea what foreplay is. Yeah. They're just like, let's fucking, let's get right into it. Yep. They just rip this off. Like, dude, fucking, you even got to prime up a mower, dude. Like, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, dude. Haven't you ever, like, caressed someone's fucking. Look at you. Yes. Fuck, man. Yo, like, foreplay is. you doing yeah dude haven't you ever like caressed someone's fucking look at you yes fuck man yo like four plays you should run a fucking sex course dude hey bro i'm i'm about it new business venture dude be like the movie old school except for like Legit like sex Sick dude What a great movie that Old School was

I don't think we're ever gonna get Another Old School And then movies suck nowadays dude Like We're never gonna get Superbad again Or like Old School or Nope Not at all

Anything like that Sad to see Real sad to see Kinda heartbreaking Yeah One thing dude I've been thinking about was like

I never even thought about this before is like how much actors are like paid by politicians yeah it's fucking insane dude

yeah I never even thought about it that way oh bro they gotta devote money to it because that's the easiest way to get people

on your side yeah if you can get Brad Pitt to be like yo vote for this dude you're in there yeah I actually thought Leonardo DiCaprio was like about it dude but he's like side yeah if you can get brad pitt to be like yo vote for this dude yeah you're in there yeah i actually thought leonardo dicaprio was like about it dude but he's like finger banging bitches on

yachts all the gas powered yachts yeah bro he's legit living the wolf of wall street life yeah he's breaking up with girls because they turned 25 dude it's insane my god i forgot he did that yeah i forgot he was fucking doing that he's out there like he's telling chicks yeah you got an expiration date it's like a fucking cart in the milk dude yeah tossing it out dude that's so wild to me now dude so you're saying like at your level like you'll go up dude do like an hour and then like afterwards like you'll meet you're saying, like, at your level, like, you'll go up, dude, do, like, an hour, and then, like, afterwards, like, you'll meet some, like, pretty cool chicks for, like... Yeah. It's, like, I don't do it as much anymore because, like, I don't...

And I know it's going to sound bad. Like, I got to a point where I'm just like, nah, I don't want to hook up with people that come to shows anymore. Yeah. a point where i'm just like nah i don't want to hook up with people that come to the shows anymore yeah like i'd much rather just meet somebody and then it grow from there but like yeah it used to be a time where after the show like i knew like yeah you'd be able to hook up with somebody dude you uh you like ever like did you ever feel guilty about it like or you just kind of like mutually just both like hey let's like have some fun like yeah i'm always mutually let's have some fun like i don't like get off stage and pursue anyone in the audience if someone shows interest in me i'm like all right we gotta have a conversation if it vibes from there all right maybe let's go to another spot and if it vibes

from there kick it off yeah do it have you ever like brought a chick to a show and like bombed or no i probably have really probably have was it like funny to you or it was yeah yeah that's all that matters dude because it's just like well you know up or it was more like she didn't like the jokes i was doing yeah that's that's what it was the crowd was into it but she didn't like yeah that's that's what it was the crowd was into it but she didn't like the content of it she was like i don't appreciate it and like all right then you know well then fuck it yeah fuck her then dude yeah that is like uh i don't know man i always think about that like because my jokes just like farts and like stupid shit yeah i'm just talking about like how dumb i am and shit and like just can't see a chick being like yeah that's the way he talked about how dumb he is for 15 minutes was fucking crazy yeah i'm definitely gonna send on that man's face

dude i get so sad after shows sometimes why i just think about that dude i'm like fuck you know dude like there's someone out there's gonna be into it bro you ever do like a soul Dude, I get so sad after shows sometimes. Why? I just think about that, dude. I'm like, fuck. You know? Dude, like, there's someone out there that's going to be into it. Bro, you ever do, like, a... I haven't done any shows here, but, like, I'll go back to Boston. Yeah. Like, last month I did Knicks. Yeah.

And this TikTok dude just sold out the place. It was, like, max capacity. Yeah. And there was just, like, so many hot chicks there yeah everybody got tiktok now yeah and i was like i was like dude this dude just like sold out a comedy club over tiktok yeah bro this should be happening man it's a different world every one of those shows dude i left early wait what like any dude anytime i have like a not a good set, but I have a good time, I just leave. I don't know why.

It's fucking. It's like one of the dumbest things ever. You're like the old school Bruce Banner. You just walk into the sunset. Yeah, I just feel like I'm disrespecting the art form, dude, if I hang around. Really? Yeah. Dude, you got to hang out, art form Dude if I hang around Really? Yeah Dude you gotta hang out man

Yeah I do People wanna People wanna meet you Everybody wants Like when you When people come to a comedy club They wanna meet the comic That just entertained them

Yeah There's probably Like you You have no idea How many people Probably Came out to the lobby After the show

Was like damn Where'd you Where'd it go? Yeah Then you think about it the next day and you're like, dude, what the fuck? I like went home

and played Call of Duty, dude. And like, the fuck am I doing? That's kind of cool though. That is kind of cool. You go in, you do your job and you go,

all right, that's enough. Yeah. I mean, dude, I think in my head, I'm like, I want to go home. Yeah. And I want to play Call of Duty

with my boys. So I eat some food and like, you know, spank and then go to bed, dude. That's kind of badass though. Now I'm thinking about it, I want to go home Yeah And like I want to play Call of Duty with my boys So I eat some food And like You know spank And then go to bed dude That's kind of That's kind of badass though Now I'm thinking about it

Yeah Internally it's like You did what needed to be done Yeah Externally it's like What the fuck man I used to do that Early in my career

Like I legit Would do my set And just hop in the car And just go straight home Yeah And after a while Like people were like You know you need to hang out

Like people want to Talk with you I'm like right cool yeah i feel dude i feel so bad sometimes when i do talk to people why it'll just be like an older couple oh yeah and they're like they'll just say that i can't relate to and i'll be like yeah one word like yeah i get that a lot yes you have to like pretend to be like oh, it's a lot of pretending and shaking hands and, oh, man. And listening to stories that aren't funny. They legit come up with the, I guess, the intent to be like, hey, you were funny. But midway through, you're just like, oh, you just came over just to talk about true. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it's like reality versus perception man because like maybe if i did hang out at that show yeah maybe that's what would happen like i'm kind of envious envy of it now because i'm like all right yeah that seems like the way to do it yeah you drink it all now yeah yeah yeah i throw a couple back yeah i've been drinking a lot lately dude and like i was never into that like i was but then i stopped and like i think during my sober time i would always leave shows early because i was like oh it's just gonna be a bunch of drunk people

yeah but now that i'm drinking again i'm like oh i kind of get it like yeah yeah the drinks make you hang out a little bit longer yeah for sure because he's like you're there at the bar bartender's vibing with you like tossing a couple back people want to talk to you like all right yeah i'll sip my drink as you talk at me it's just like a coping mechanism dude pretty much yeah pretty fucking much that used to be my thing i used to see how many free drinks i can get out of like people in the crowd yeah it always like encouraged them to tip the bartender that's why i go that's how i got like a lot of clubs like me really yeah i'm just like yo make sure you hook up my boy like if somebody bought me a drink i'm like yo hook up my boy for like hooking us up for drinks and shit like that. I've heard stories about like shitty headliners, dude, who don't even tip at all.

Bro, that's, it's insane. Yeah. Like a well-known comic went to Laugh Boston. And some of the guys were like, yeah, like all weekend, dude, he didn't tip at all. That's wild. Yeah. That is so wild. For a whole weekend.

Just be like, fuck you guys. Yeah. Dude, you always got to leave whole weekend. Just be like, fuck you guys. That is so wild. Yeah. Dude, you always got to leave a tip. Like, that's like. I'll tell you who it was afterwards, too, dude. Oh, please. Please do. I love a good story about that.

Like, my favorite is hearing about. Like, I like comics that hook up the waitstaff and the bartenders at every single show. Yeah. Because, like, we need them. Yeah, for sure. And it's just like like that's the least you can do it's just a simple yo hook up my boy it goes a long way man yeah it's just like a respect thing dude yeah we all out here working we all doing the same shit let's face your respect

man well yeah it's a team effort yeah if i had the money dude i would you know i'm gonna i'm gonna start doing that at open mics dude dude got Just walk up to the host and be like dude That's fully his shit That's the last person that I'm going to suspect I'm like dude I know we're all struggling out here man But here's a dollar dude That's the last person that I would suspect. I'm like, dude, I know we're all struggling out here, man, but here's a dollar, dude. You got it. You got it, baby.

You earned that buck. Dude, open mics is so fucking depressing, dude. Oh, man. That is the best and worst part about open mics. It's just seeing your fellow comic work it out. Seeing your fellow comic struggle like you do. And it's just, it's shitty, but it's such a good time. Dude, the sad thing is, man, like, I don't even have any fellow comics.

It's just me, dude. It's by myself, dude. Oh, man. It's so sad, dude. The saddest thing is like people who i talk to back home and stuff yeah i'll mention the word open mic and they're like what's that and i'm like fuck dude i could have told them like a whole story about it and they just be like i don't even don't even get it they don't arrive with it that's so fucking wild but yeah like yeah dude you just gotta hang out a little bit more try to like you

know that's the wild thing to say like i was gonna say like try to find someone to be cool with open mics but it is an open mic so half of the time it's just like people harassing other people yes dude that makes me so dude honestly man i to the, I don't even know if it's going to be a good story. Go for it. It's kind of a shitty story, dude. Go for it. Dude, I think two weeks ago before the holiday, I go to like a club open mic. Okay.

And the guy who runs the mic, he was like, hey, I'm having my cousin host the mic. So there's like 15 people there. We're at like a legit club. All right. So his cousin goes on stage and he's like hey how's it going i just got out of prison two days ago and everyone's like all right like in my head i was like all right two days ago like should i you know should i stay should i hang this

you know bro this guy legitimately doesn't tell a joke, right? He's just talking about prison. Yeah. He's like, if you guys want to know. He should not be there. Yeah. He's like, if you guys want to know anything about. The clink.

Yeah. We're all like fucking. We're all like, what? Like super uncomfortable. We're like, dude, what the fuck is going on? So his cousin's in the back and he goes, hey, like, tell some fucking jokes. Bro. This dude, I swear to God, the most fucked up, I swear to God, this is one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen in my life.

Dude, you could see, like, how hard he was trying to think. Dude, he literally stood there for, like, five seconds. Whips out a one-liner he goes why would you guys be offended if i said drops the n-word dude hard r everyone in the room is like dude what the fuck dude that was Those poor 15 souls Bro Dude I like

That was like the first time in my life Dude, I looked at the I looked at the guy next to me And I'm like, dude I don't think this is real life right now I was like I was like like dude i definitely took something like i gotta be high i gotta be higher i was like there's no way dude

and dude i just how did you think that was going to be a bad story? This guy just got out of prison two days ago. Two days ago. And just admitted to everyone that he's violently racist. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dude, so I like legit lost like five years of my life and uh so dude this this dude starts ripping it from the vape pen he has like a vape pen yeah and his eye you can like you can see his eyes slowly start to like fade

and uh he like barely know how to read man so he like he didn't know how to be like hey this person's on deck this person's on deck and uh dude he got so high how to be like, hey, this person's on deck, this person's on deck. And, dude, he got so high that, you know how you give a light and a mic? You're like, hey, you got one minute left. This dude would hold up his phone. No light, just hold up his phone. He was that high. And he set an alarm for every four minutes, dude. So someone would have one minute left and you'd just hear the alarm go off.

Bro. He didn't know hear the alarm go off. Bro. He didn't know how to turn it off. So, like, an alarm just going off, dude, and that happened for 14 people straight. I went up 15th, dude. I was like, how did you think that was a bad story? I don't know, dude. Oh, my God. You're going to be crying.

What are you going to do when you get out? I'm going to tell jokes. Dude, the best part was like I went up 15th So like I got one minute left The alarm goes off I'm like telling a joke

As the alarm's going off Yeah He like walks up on stage afterwards And he's like I just want to take this time To like take any questions From you guys He's like

If you guys want to know anything About prison It's like dude Fucking Oh yeah I got one if you guys want to know anything about prison. It's like, dude. Fucking. Oh, yeah, I got one. Why did they let you out? Oh, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. So, like, I don't think I'm going back to that open mic, dude, but. Listen, people, please go to open mics just so you can see stuff like that because that just happened. Oh, my God. I mean, dude, have you ever had anything, like, happen to you on stage

where you're like, there's no way this is happening right now? I just thought about this because, like, this past weekend, some kid on Pittsburgh's football team just started. He made a mistake in a game. He took his helmet and started smashing himself in a helmet. And it reminded me of – it wasn't an open mic. It was a show. Dude bombed the set.

It was only about, like like a 10-minute set. Yeah. He gets off stage, and you can see that he's upset that he didn't do well. And he is walking through the crowd. He gets through three quarters of the crowd, and he's talking to himself. And you know how he's just obligatory.

Yo, good set. And before I could even get my hand off of that he like full-on decks himself in the face yeah glasses his glasses goes flying puts the glass up puts him back on grabs his coat, grabs his bag. He's like, I'm going back home. And I was like, okay. And we were in Kenilworth, New Jersey. He had to get back.

He lived in the city. So he had to like, he walked down the highway with no sidewalk. It's a a train station. He decked himself in the face and just went, oh, shit. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. Wow. You think he was like a seasoned comic or he was just like.

Dude, I don't get how seasoned you are. You punch yourself. As soon as you punch yourself, I'm like, oh, you're a crazy person. I mean, I've punched myself in the face by accident, dude. I used to do boxing, dude. They'd be like, you're throwing uppercuts. I just hit myself in the face, dude. Yeah, sometimes you need to get a close one.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. If someone says, keep it tight, dude, you keep it fucking tight, dude. Wow. Just following the rules man Oh my god Shit Yeah But yeah dude

You can't even like That's the worst part dude Is like A normal person man If you say the word open mic If you say the word bombing dude Yeah People are gonna be like

You blowing up shit Like what the fuck It's a tough world out there man All you wanna do Is just like vent about it. Just, like, you know. You got to find some people that you can talk about this shit with, man. Yeah.

Because, like, I'm telling you, man. Like, it helps. Because, like, you see all this stuff at open mics. And you see these stuff at comedy shows. And, like, you got to be able to tell somebody about this. Because I couldn't imagine being able, not being able to tell someone about this shit yeah i think it's i mean like yeah dude i just gotta like fall in love with the journey but sometimes the journey is like fuck dude yeah man that's the ride man that's the rise it's not always gonna be smooth but you know you have fun while you're doing it

i feel you dude yeah it'll be all right dude that's what i keep telling myself i'm just thinking it'll be all right dude oh dude it definitely will be train ride home like dude's fine always remind yourself that yes we're all right we're good we're we're doing it yeah do you think uh do you do you think comics like have to like uh have problems or you think like no i don't think you gotta have i don't i don't've got to have a problem to do comedy. I just think you've got to look at the world in a unique way. When you made your album and shit, were you like, I want this to be...

Has your comedy always been like, I want to look at this from a different lens? Yeah, I've realized I just had a different perspective on life than other people like i i have a ton of friends who were great friends but the reason we're friends is because i don't see the world the way they do yeah and they tell me like i i would never think like that and i I'm like, yeah. And that's why I'm your friend. Like, in terms of, like, do you have, like, a good example? Like, it can go as far as, like, what's something that me and my friends don't agree on, but we always talk about it. Shit, I can't even think about it.

Oh, wait, no. Like, oh. it shit i can't even think about it oh wait no like oh like when kanye west was like not the kanye we know now and everybody was just like when he just first got with kim kardashian and everybody's like yo that's dope he's doing the damn thing my thing was why and i looked up just like dumb things that was happening to him that he never talked about. Like, he did a festival out in the UK, and someone brought a flag of Kim Kardashian sucking Ray J's dick. Shit. And, like, I just found that hilarious. And they said, yo, that's disrespectful.

I was like, it's kind of funny, though, that someone hates you to that point. Someone hates you so much They made a flag Making a flag is like another level of like Holy shit dude Just the work you have to put in To make a flag dude He had to order it He had to figure out the right dimension

I don't think I could hate someone enough to be like, yeah, I'm going to put this order in. It's fucking wild. Oh, man. He had a tracking number. That's how much he hated you. On his computer every day just following a dude. He's just like, it's's better come in on time that's like that's the type of shit that i like and my friends like i don't i don't see how that's

i don't think that's funny i'm like yeah see that's the point that's pretty much everyone i talk to dude you'll say something like i don't see how that's funny like yeah yeah so yeah like i don't think how that's funny like yeah yeah so yeah like i don't think you need to have like trauma or something bad in your life to to see the world differently to be funny you just gotta you just gotta see it from a different angle and know how to tell the story yeah because comedy essentially is just storytelling yeah i think i like i don't know man i like comment like you can kind of tell when a comic's like lying or not dude oh yeah just like genuine comics who like even if their point of view like the other person doesn't get it they're just still like

even if like they see a crowd isn't getting it they just dive deeper yeah like that's the funniest thing in the world to me i fucking love that yeah you can like blatantly tell that they don't give a fuck like at all i'm like that sometimes and i think that's why i vibe with it like even if i like even if i know a crowd's not into me i'm just like you're still gonna get this there's something like romantic about that dude just seeing confused faces and being like i'm gonna take this like a little deeper we're here you see that a lot in boston too dude like really yeah oh man even last week when i went to visit like we did this show at a brewery and i just remember like i was talking about like sucking my own tits and like dude you could just see

you just see like every dude with a like a sucking my own tits. And, like, dude, you could just see. I remember that joke. You could just see, like, every dude with, like, a couple there. Like, all the couples were just, like, this is so disturbing. It just, like, felt so good, man. Just to, like, not care at all. Yo, that's the best part about it. Yeah. It's just the freedom behind it.

Just, like, all right, I know you don't care. I don't give a fuck. And here about it. Yeah. It's just the freedom behind it. Just like, all right, I know you don't care. I don't give a fuck, and here we are. Yeah. That's why I struggle with chicks, dude. It's like, dude, it's so easy to just pretend, you know what I mean? Like, to fucking, like, I don't want to be a comic who agrees with everyone, who's like, you know? What fun is that? Yeah. It's no fun, dude.

That is not. I see dudes that do that for relationships just to be with somebody. I'm just like, why? Yeah. Well, that's the thing, dude. Like, you look out in the crowd and you see these dudes with, like, hot chicks. And they're trying not to laugh because the girl's upset. You're like, what are you doing, man?

Like, you kind of want to save them in a sense. My thing is, you didn't have to come to the comedy club. You opted to hire us to do your legwork to make her laugh so she thinks you're cool. Yeah. Like after the show, you feel like you did something? Yeah. I've seen boyfriends and husbands do that. Come to comedy club, have the comics make her laugh, and go, yeah, well, all right, she's all warmed up, fella.

He's in the car like, I told you it'd work. Told you it'd be a good spot. It's fucking wild, man. It's so fucking wild. Oh, it's the wildest, man. It just sucks, dude. Like, I feel like nowadays, man, like, nobody can agree to disagree. That is the thing.

That's probably why I have, like, five friends, dude, because it's like, you know, you know i'm like in the middle like dude i i know people who are like if you vote for uh if you vote for uh trump yeah i won't be your friend yeah and you'll be like why and they'll be like because he's fucking a piece of shit like all this other shit they'll be like oh like you believe in uh like taking away a woman's rights yeah which is like all right you know i get it but it's like i don't get why you wouldn't be someone's friend because of that and then like some people are like oh if you vote for biden i can't be your friend you're like why it's like no because you believe in killing babies and it's like it's fucking it's insane dude it's like that like yeah it's hard people don't want to have a conversation

anymore they just want to state their point and walk away people just want to make their declaration go right i said it and i'm out of here i'm like nah i'm a curious person by nature i ask a ton of questions like i hit up my friends every day with just like a weird abstract question just just because i mean i'm inquisitive because i want to know because like i have thoughts let me see what what makes you think that way let me see why i think differently from you and like maybe there's something that's intertwined or maybe you can give me some insight that i did not have yeah so i love having a conversation i talk with anybody like one of my favorite lines from one of my

friends uh my friend birch uh we went to college together he's like yo man like you're the type of dude that'll just have a conversation with a kkk member and i was like yeah like i straightly like yo where you get the hood from who made that is there like a place you gotta wait certain fabric or like what are you what's going on here? Just playing 21 questions, dude. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's just like, I don't know, it's sad, dude. Like, I don't know.

Dude, I'm not political at all. I'm just saying, like, it's fucking wild, man. Yeah, politics make everything super divisive. Dude, the worst is when you're like, yeah, I'm in the middle. Like, I can argue for both sides. And like, there's no such thing as that. And you're like, yeah'm in the middle Like I can argue for both sides There's no such thing as that Yeah there is I do it every year Everyone's like you vote and I'm like nah Nah

Dude you're allowed to be In the middle and that's the thing That kills me with people Cause like everyone goes There's only a right or wrong and I'm like no it's not There's a gray area There's an area that you guys aren's not. There's a gray area. There's an area that you guys aren't interested in. There literally is a halfway point that you guys can literally meet at,

but instead of meeting there, you just feel more comfortable to surround yourself with the same ideas that you say to yourself over and over and over again. Yeah, there's also nothing that'll make a dude's dick softer than politics dude like a real dude oh man dude if i went out with a chick and she started dropping shit on politics i'd be like i gotta go to the bathroom i just fucking peel out in the parking lot dude getting the fuck out of there, dude. Yeah, I don't think I've ever talked politics on a date.

Oh, dude. Even on the dating apps? Yeah. It's like, you shouldn't date me if, you know. That's what they lead off with? Yeah, dude. The dating apps are pretty much like, this is literally the dating app on a whole, dude. Okay.

Every chick is like, I love food. Liberal. We shouldn't go out if... It's like, fucking what the fuck, dude? That's what I'm saying, dude. I feel like the dream situation is to meet a chick at a show. Yeah. Because you're like, I was just myself.

And that is the perfect place, in my opinion, that if I was a comic and you came to my show and I made you laugh and we could have a conversation off of what I said on stage and you felt. If you saw that up there and you like that, you can get more of that on a one on one conversation. Fuck yeah, dude. So, yeah. It's a good cheat code, man. I don't know how so many comics fuck it up. I can tell you that. I can show you how, dude.

Just watch me after a show. Hold my beer. I'm going in, dude. Yeah. Holy shit But I mean dude This was fun dude Thanks for coming man

Oh no dude Appreciate for coming dude This was fucking great man Yeah man It was great to talk to you dude It was great talking with you Thanks for having me bro Yeah I mean I know you got your album

On Spotify Yeah we got it on Spotify I'm recording my next album After the new year So I'm gonna be Where you recording it? I think I'm gonna do it

In Brooklyn this time Oh really? I did my first one in Jersey Cause like I felt I felt I wanted to do My first one In my hometown Or my home state

Because It would be a lot more fun And it was Yeah So this one I'm gonna do video for And Have also audio So I'm doing it do video for and have also audio.

So I'm doing it over in Brooklyn. Sick, dude. I'll definitely roll through that, man. Fuck yeah. Thanks for coming, dude, and I appreciate it, man. No problem. Thanks for having me. I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh Oh, bro, I'm hurting.