The Johnny Salami Podcast - Comedian James Dorsey

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

James Dorsey has been featured on the cover of Worcester Magazine, in Pulse Magazine, The Boston Herald, on Spike TV, the MyTV Network ,and Comcast on Demand. He has shared the stage with Joe Rogan, Bryan Callen, Jerry Seinfeld, Patrice O’Neal, Jim Gaffigan, Michael Ian Black, Gilbert Gottfried, and Steven Wright.

All right, what's going on, everybody? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami podcast. I'm out here with my boy, J-Dawg. What's up? A.K.A. James Dorsey. Yep. Fucking Worcester's finest cat. No, thanks for coming, dude.

I appreciate it. No, my pleasure. I honestly thought you weren't going to show up. I was mentally prepared for it. Really? Yeah, dude. What, do you think I was just going to bail out on you? Just not show up, and then just not say anything.

That's so disrespectful, man. I would never do that to anybody. I would just be flat out be like, man i'm not coming over i would just be like no you ever get messages and you just like you're straight up like fuck off like you ever do that or usually like i'm telling people to fuck off or people just like younger comics like myself like are they like yo james like fucking good set tonight and you're like look at my balls dude oh no man no no no i just know i think that i mean i appreciate it i think any comic even if they do say fuck off you you have to be like kind of a narcissist to kind of not be like

oh man that's cool i mean i've had people like write me like long messages like hey man i uh i saw your set tonight man it just inspired me to to work harder and be better and i got home and i i told my girlfriend about how funny you were and i'm like i hope you get laid bro you know yeah that's sick man but anyway to answer your question i think that's a total dickhead move to not be like well dude honestly like i'm being honest okay like if somebody ignores you dude that'll that'll break me apart man really like well you get it dude you get to get used to that shit in this business man like you can't it makes sense now but yeah dude you can't because because a lot of times i think that if not even so much comedy

but just people in general like if they're ignoring you they're somehow threatened by you really that's how i feel because why would you why would you not respond to someone unless that person's like oh i don't want to talk to that person because that's how i feel like unless unless even if it's a quick okay thanks bro like don't don't be a dick like don't be someone took took the time and the nerve to reach out to you you know it takes a lot of balls you know it takes a lot of balls and anything takes a lot of balls just to send like a facebook message dude some people are really good at it man like i might as well just like write shit in fucking latin dude yeah so i'm like i'm like yo what's up hot tits right like you want to roll through the pod people like this is still like older like comics too

like i don't speak 20s i don't know they're like fuck this kid dude you know no because when i when i get your first message i was laughing dude and i totally but it's it's i think there's a lot lost in like in like the you know like the text world yeah i actually was in a situation where um you know a good buddy of mine we've been doing comedy together for freaking 20 years and we something got lost in the translation he was like you know what bro and i'm like hey man i was just that's not what I was saying. He's like, okay, that's what I thought. It was all cool after that, but it's just, no one picks up the phone, man, anymore. Like, nobody.

And it's almost like when you see your phone ringing, you're like, oh, God, something must be wrong. Someone's calling me. It must be bad, you know? Yeah. I remember the first time we met, dude, we had a pretty solid conversation. I was like, this guy's pretty chill, man.

I felt like we had a heart-to-heart, dude. I think I get too heart-to-heart, you know? Yeah know maybe yeah dude i was like he probably does that with everyone but like dude that made my night man i went home dude i told my mom about it and shit like dude really like swear to god man like watch out for him yeah she's like you make any new friends i was like i think so no like but like to your point like if anyone like if you ask me a question like of course i'm gonna i'm not gonna yeah i mean i'll talk to anyone if they want to talk to me. Like, I think, I just love talking to anybody. You know what I mean?

So, like, when we hung out, sometimes I get a little deep because, you know, I've been drinking, of course. And, but, you know, if you have any question you want to ask or, like, if you want to ask my opinion, like, I'll give it to you. But it's going to be the truth. Yeah. You know, like, I've had comics come up to me, like, hey, man, like, I have this joke. You know, what do you think about it? And they tell me a joke. I up to me like hey man I have this joke you know what do you think about it and they tell me a joke

and I'm like oh man I don't even know if that's kind of a joke like you have two issues that are like super super super sensitive right now so I might want to

kind of you know put those aside if I'm being honest I don't want to talk about comedy at all I just want to like talk about like farts and stuff

and like that's the best man just like talking to someone about like stuff that doesn't matter you know what I mean because everyone's like you know how are you can you book me on this and you're like, talking to someone about, like, stuff that doesn't matter. You know what I mean? Because everyone's like, you know, how are you? Can you book me on this?

And you're like, dude, come on, bro. Yeah. Like, let's just, you know. And a lot of, like, I think a lot of times it's, you know, it's basically, like, marketing and advertisement purposes. Yeah, man. It's not, like, genuine. You know what I mean?

Right, right. I mean, I've been on podcasts where they've been like, oh, when's the last time you cried? I'm like, oh, shit. I'm like, what's today? Wow. Oh, shit. Like, I cry all the fucking time. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just just sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad because i just feel like

when you're on the road and you're driving as much as we do like you just have a lot of time to reflect and like on the way down i usually like i'll pump the tunes because i'm fired up and then like after on the road on the way home like you know if the show goes well typically it does hopefully it does um and i'll just kind of like reflect and i'm just like i'm you know i'm just i feel i'm hyped i'm excited and like sometimes i think about a lot of stuff and i'm just like i'll just like start crying and i'm like but it's in like a good way like sometimes a song will come on i'll be like oh the song reminds me of my mom like what like what's like landslide or something like that what's that like landslide something like that uh no no no

all right like um just breathe pearl jam oh wow like it came that's a good fucking song dude like i would cry that song like if you're really listening to that song it just kind of like it reminds me of my mom you know what i mean and yeah and i just you know you ever listen to josh groban josh groban that'll make me dude i'll bawl my eyes out if i listen to that seriously so have you ever you raised me up my i was at my wife's uh her company's christmas party whatever and i was just being an asshole and we were making fun of josh grove and my buddy's like dude i take grove and i was like christ is the lord he is all man and the this woman came in one of our work associates she's like oh my god are you the entertainment

friend tonight my wife's like no he is he's just being a jackass, she's like, oh my god, are you the entertainment friend tonight? My wife's like, no, he is not. He's just being a jackass. And she's like, well, he has a beautiful voice. Is that like the Nickelback of your generation? Josh Groban? Yeah. No, man. I think he's, oh god, he was way after Nickelback.

Are they around the same time? I don't know, man. Are you a Nickelback fan? I'm a Josh Groban fan, dude. Okay. Like, legit? Like, do you have a shit? Honestly, dude, I listen to-

Could you pull him up right now and be like, boom, Groban, like right there? Dude, I could fucking throw hard-boiled eggs at the wall to You Raised Me Up, bro. That song fucks. That's the only song I know by him, but... I just feel like I'm in church whenever he's on. Like even if it's just like, it's great, but I'm like, dude. I'm just saying like, this is a good song. Like it's not something I would listen to at the gym.

No, it would definitely not. But like, you know, if I'm going to shed a tear...'m gonna shed a tear yeah well that's yeah exactly I see your point that's that would that's to get you in that would get you thinking yeah see what you're saying yeah dude what were you like when you were younger like were you wearing like tight jeans like driving a Camaro like smoking Marlboro Reds cut like we talking like high school yeah like like high school dude I was more like oh man i went to like here's the deal i was so i went to public school k through eight and then i was packaged up and shipped off to private school for high school and i was so bitter about it was so pissed like co-ed no just dudes all

boys just dudes you know but you know it wasn't like you know you know we drove back and forth it wasn't like um so in answer to your question i think i i was kind of i don't know man i guess i i would call myself a prep but i really wasn't like i used i used to like wearing nice clothes and stuff but at the same time i'd like to throw a dip in and play darts and you know what i mean so it was kind of it was kind of like that i know universal dude if you will you know what i mean yeah um uh so i i think i drove I think in, you know, to answer your question, you said Camaro. I drove a, my first car was a Buick Skylark,

and it was tan, and it was such a shitbox. My grandfather bought it for us, and he just got totally ripped off. And then the B and the K fell off, so it was basically like a Buick Skylark. So I'm like, bro, did you see my Ux Skylar? I'm just killing it. Dude, I could see you being like magic fingers, dude.

You know what I'm saying? Like that kid. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like finger blasting chicks all over the place? Like in a Camaro though. Oh, in a Camaro. Like to like the Rolling Stones or something. The first time I drove a Camaro, my buddy,

we were junior year and I didn't even show up with the kid, and he's like, Darcy, he's like, you can't get me out of here, and I'm like, all right, and I'm like, and this kid drove a Camaro, an IROC Z, and I was like, all right, I've never driven one of these things before, six speed, and I was just like, oh, and I wasn't even trying to, and I was just like, it was in first, and I was trying to like, and all of a sudden, and I was like, oh my God my god this car because they put that gigantic engine in it and then it was so light and my buddy Ted

was in the back seat and he just starts laughing he's like do it Dorsey I'm like I'm not even trying to do it like this and the kid Craig's like passed out in the front seat and I was just like

holy shit this car's got so much balls and we're literally like smoking and I'm like we're gonna get arrested and we escaped from the party and I'm like we're gonna get arrested

the IROC Z baby fuck yeah dude I remember the first time i drove i drove my mom's honda accord and i backed up into a tree dude nice yeah good work yeah and i just left and uh you just took off yeah well you didn't i mean that's you it was a tree so if it was someone else's property yeah there was there was no reason for it like it wasn't uh you know like bad like no no no just like like you know tap yeah dude just like it didn't make any sense you know how did it not make sense you're like i'm backing up the tree was like the fucking tree didn't make sense man it wasn't there when i backed up no like there was no like hazardous like nothing was a hazard i just like packed into a tree Looks like you found it.

It wasn't even in the way. You just kind of found it. You're just like, where is it? There it is. All right, now I can get out of here. If you were walking your dog and you saw it, dude, you would be like. Did he do that on purpose? You'd be like, there's a disabled person driving that car right now.

Is there a tree magnet in that guy's bumper? I literally was on a so-called haunted road and there was like we just pulled into a driveway and i backed out into the tree you were scared no i was just fucking first time driving i was i thought you were haunted house and we're haunted street. I'm out of here, bro. I'm not getting fucking spooked. Yeah. And maybe the tree was haunted and that's why I just jumped out at you and just backed into it.

Yeah. For some reason, I always found like driving through like houses and shit funny. You've driven through houses as well? No, just like the thought of it. Oh, okay. Have you ever thought about that?

Like Dukes of Hazzard, shit like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably weren't even born yet when that shit came out, but you just said yeah to politely. You're like, yeah, I'm going to have to Google that. i've seen that dude oh nice the one

with uh jessica simpson yeah that's yeah that was the remake 20 years later but anyway thanks for being polite i appreciate it she was so hot in that jessica simpson dude she was so hot and then like what and then she put on like 50 pounds i think she was just like so famous you know like that happens to all of them no but like i like I think, yeah, I understand your point, but I think that happens to like celebrities who are super popular and then they fade away and then they get fat. And then they're like, look, I got skinny again. So it's almost like a thing for them.

But I don't think that happened to Jessica Simpson. What do you think happened? I think she had a bunch of kids. I don't know. I really don't know. And then, I mean, I don't read those things, but, like, you go grocery shopping, you can't help it, like, when she's, like, those star magazines and all that shit. She's, like, everywhere.

And it shows, like, the before and after. Like, it's so rude. You know what I mean? Like, you don't know what she's going through. But then, again, they probably paid her 20 grand to talk to her. So she's like, sure, come on in. Yeah, dude, I wonder what happened. I wonder what happened behind the scenes.

But then again, dude, like, the access that she has to, like, foods we've never even heard of, dude. Yeah, dude, I wonder what happened behind the scenes. But then again, dude, like the access that she has to like foods we've never even heard of, dude. Yeah, exactly. She's having like fucking foreign fish and shit. Yeah, so then why should that should like, you're saying that should contribute to her weight gain? I'm like, what are you talking about? Because usually those people have like chefs making them like the healthiest shit in the world. Like Usher has like six chefs making them shit. Yeah.

But dude, if I was famous. He walks in and he grabs a chicken breast and he'll just eat it and be like, thanks guys. I'm going to go work out. I feel like most of those plates are probably like a solid 2000 calories though. You know what I'm saying? You're right. Because like if I had a chef and he made me like a solid steak. Right.

With like fucking. And it's gorgeous with all the sauces and everything like that. Yeah. Yeah. Like fucking. I see your point now. So she was probably just like, yeah like yeah make me shit that tastes good and all of a sudden she's like oh my god i'm 250 pounds someone probably paid her i'm not being booked for dukes maybe she broke up with someone dude well wasn't she with uh no with uh was she nick lachey was she married to that guy i don't know who that is honestly yeah exactly i'm just dating myself you remember the the Beatles? No, I'm kidding. No, was it Nick Lachey? He was in a boy band.

He was a boy band dude. I think she was married to that dude. And then, I don't know. I think, yeah. And then they had like a reality show. And then she kind of fell off the face of the earth. And everyone was making fun of her because she thought that chicken of the sea was actually chicken from the sea. You know, it's tuna fish, but she thought it was chicken. And they're like, I mean, that's an easy mistake.

Yeah, I mean, you put a pound of mayonnaise in that, dude. It's over, bro. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what's in there. You're still going to eat that shit. Yeah, but honestly, dude, when I met you, I was like, you know, because when I was in high school, dude, I had a truck with flames on it. Oh, you were one of those dudes.

And I was just blasting ACDC. There you go. You know, and I always thought one day, like, it'd pay off, and it just never paid off. Nobody really understood it. That's subjective. I mean, you know. Yeah. Maybe they remember me, dude.

Like, you remember that fucking idiot, John? Dude with the flames on the truck? Yeah, just revving my engine in front of, like, Honeydew Donuts, dude. Rock hard. That was your spot? You don't like Dunkin's? I go back and forth. I think Honeydew Donuts, dude. Rock hard. That was your spot? You don't like Dunkin's? I go back and forth. I think Honeydew is struggling right now.

So you want to give them the business over Dunkin's? Yeah, I want to support them. Boost their stock a little bit. Dunkin's is just, I don't know, man. I used to fiend off those sandwiches. And now that I've got kids and shit, I'm like, hmm. Yeah. Like eggs that have been sitting in a drawer for like a week.

They're not even eggs, dude. They're really just just like are they even like i don't even know what they are but dude honestly answer this honestly if you ordered from duncan like a coffee and one of the dudes there pissed in it you think you'd notice i'm hoping i would really he was like a gallon of water a day dude and he had like clear piss but i don't think that's it's you know it's like after a night of drinking when you wake up your piss looks like red bull then you'd be like ah this is not good no yeah but it's like when you go there notice i think i well here's the difference because i just drink my coffee black dude like a little bit of sweetener like i like i go in there and i'll be

like i'll see i'll see someone in front of me and they they're like, let me get a large, you know, French vanilla, half cream, 10 sugars. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, dude, you don't like coffee. Like, you just don't like—like, if you have to put that much shit in an already flavored coffee, like, guess what, bro? You don't like fucking coffee. Like, go drink a Red Bull or go have a fucking, you know— I mean, I'm going to be honest. That is me, dude. That's you.

So you're fucking—you're the guy. Like, can I get fucking 32 Splendors, though? You know what I'm saying to be honest. That is me, dude. That's you. So you're the guy. I'm like, can I get fucking Daddy Toe Splendors, dog? You know what I'm saying? Dude, the boys are on here, dog. Dude, the boys down the block. Holy shit. Bro, the guys that go there every day, they just meet up. Same thing.

They're like, yo, Jessica, another day, another fucking donkeys. Oh, my God. And she's like, she's about to kill herself, dude. They like count the Splendors she's put in's about to kill herself dude they like count the splendor she's putting in well they just local dudes that live around here they do right down there's like donkeys there's like 40 donkeys in like a hundred yard radius one and a quarter mile like yeah easily but dude these dudes walk in uh definitely like you know uh definitely iron workers i would say oh so they're like construction they know know the whole staff. Christ, I probably have to drink 40. They're like, yo, Debra, you know what it is?

And she's like, she just fucking wants to die. She's so pissed that she does now. She's like, yes, I do. She's like, you're always trying to fuck me. You know what I mean? Like that type of shit. It's like in the movies. Well, those Duncan teas, those are hot.

Those are fucking hot when they get all the powder stains and shit all over. And it's your own fingerprints. It looks like some dude's fingerprints. He's trying to grab your tits from the back, but it's not. But, dude, I feel like that would be like one of those documentaries where like once you find out how it's made, you're like, I'm good, man. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

I just think, yeah, I used to do it. I was an employee, man. I was like 19 years old. I worked for a summer at Dunkin' Donuts. Wow. And this is when they actually like we used to actually crack the eggs, dude. Like if someone ordered a sandwich,

I would crack the egg and throw it in the microwave. And then I was like, and it would be like, I don't know, like 18 seconds, you know? And I'm like, wow, this is like,

and then I'm like, they don't make those eggs fresh anymore because it's just like anything. Like they're like, oh, it's taking too much time. We're losing money. Yeah.

And we don't care if people get sick from it. Yeah, exactly. It's way easier just to process it. It's fucked up, man, but I just keep going back. You know what I mean?

Well, I think it's just because, I don't know if it's like a fad or people are like legit addicted to it, but you go by every single Dunkin's and it's packed. And like we said, they're like every quarter of a mile and they're all packed. They're all packed. And I figure I'm saving time because I'm not a drive-thru guy, man. I just want to go in there. Oh, really?

And order my food. And I feel like every time you go in there, man, it's like they look at you like, what are you doing in here? They're like, now we have to get away from the drive-thru people and deal with you. And I feel like they're always like,

what can I get you? And I'm like, you're way more polite when I can't see you, you know, over the microphone. Dude, I feel like, well, dude, a lot of people aren't even fucking working anymore. So it's like, you know? Yeah. Like, I've noticed that at Dunkin', dude. Like, the, you know. Oh, the service.

You're talking about the service? Like, when I was younger, I was like, I'm never going to be that guy who's like a dick about customer service. And now I'm like, what the fuck is everyone? You know? But it is tough now. Even, you know. Like, know like calling managers dude you're a manager caller no i've never done that but that's tough i want to speak with him like what are you gonna do like dude you're in dunkin donuts like what what kind of service are you expecting right that would feel

good to just freak out one day yeah just kind of get it off your chest and be like i've been holding this in i've been going to dunkin's for 10 years and I've been holding this in because you guys fuck it up every time and I just deal with it I just deal with it I would write something out like something beautiful but like offensive

you know what I'm saying I'm going to read this on your break because I don't have the heart to say it yeah I've been coming here for six fucking years

I've been paying $4.48 for a large ice turbo that you guys screw. It tastes different every goddamn day. I ask for it the same way every day, and every day it tastes fucking different. I asked for fucking Daddy Toast Splendors. There's fucking 29 in here. I get the frigging hash browns because I fucking love them. And one day I got four. The other day I got nine.

Like, what the fuck? You guys know how to count? That would be worth it, dude. We should put that on our bucket list, man. What? Get a... Just after a show one night. Oh, just go and just rage on Dunkin' Donuts people?

Some guy's like, I shit. He's like, hey, the weirdest thing, these two dudes came in. They just went off on me. The place was empty. Yeah, we wouldn't even go through the drive-th weirdest thing, these two dudes came in. They just went off on me. The place was empty. Yeah, we wouldn't even go through the drive-thru, though. We'd walk in. Oh, you got to walk in. You got to walk in.

Wear a dress. I used to have people that came. I'll leave that up to you. But I remember when I was working there, people would come from the drive-thru and come in and be like, this is wrong. And be like, really? Why don't you? I bet you if you just came in face to face, I'd give you

way more attention than just speaking to you through a microphone. You know what I mean? Honestly, I know what you look like now. You have nice tits. I'm going to think about what I'm doing now. That's so true, man. But honestly, there's also the

law side of that. It's like, you're some fucking idiot. What do you mean? Like, they're not allowed to come in? No. There's the negative side to that. Sometimes you want to see people in person, and then it'll increase the fucking bonding that goes on.

Right, exactly. But dude, if you're like, I want to see this person in real life, and they have fucking... Oh, it goes the opposite way? Yeah. Like, ooh oh i wish you would have stayed in the drive yeah they look like fucking shmeagle dude they're like screaming stuff and like you know you can't you can't smell anything in the drive-thru like if they walk in and they just got like you know pajamas on for like four days ago yeah dude smell dude smells are fucking it is it is it's just like dude the

amount of people that just like don't shower bro like i used to work in a bank dude it it was like literally like 90 of the dudes i talked to would literally just like you're talking about people you work with or customers customers oh god yeah they would literally just like take a shit like while they were talking to me dude it was fucking disgust like it was funny like it would be funny if i wasn't in that like if i was watching that right i feel like it's funny dude but like when you't in that situation. If I was watching that, I'd be like, it's funny, dude. But when you're in that situation, you're like, dude. Well, here's the thing.

When you smell that bad, do you not know that? Do you not know? I just don't understand how individuals smell that bad. How do you not know? Does someone not love you enough to be like, bro, you stink? It's like if you have chronic halitosis. And you're like, bro, your fucking breath is awful. How do you not know that? You have to know that you smell. you have chronic halitosis and you're like bro like your fucking breath is awful Like I you know, like how do you not know that? Yeah, like you have to know that you smell you have chronic how like you have to know that

Either they just don't care or people just don't tell them to have the balls or I don't know It's definitely like a laziness thing. But uh Yeah, that would be you know, that would be like fucked up if you were like dude you smell like fucking shit But it's chances are they would go home and shower exactly sometimes you hit them hard with some hard truth and some but dude sometimes you know like if it's like a fat lady dude she's wearing like a sun dress yeah she's dying she's ripping down her back and shit and she's like ah dude when she opens those legs bro oh forget it it's like someone just took tear gas and you can taste it oh god i'm not gonna lie

dude i don't even like mind that smell anymore like i look forward to that you know i'm saying you look you like smelly chicks you're like gonna lift up your arm all right let's go i was telling us to uh james firth dude like i went to uh one of like the biggest shows of my life was in narragansett like right next to my college okay and i was doing the most time i've ever done and i was like super young i'm not bragging i'm not bragging okay but when i got there dude there was like a bunch of like legitimate comedians and the show was like right by the water so it smelled like fucking clam dude okay so like the first thing i said to all these dudes was i was i was like yo it smells like pussy and like i really emphasized the other comics while you're on stage all the

other comics okay and like my own it's like yo bro this place smells like pussy like i didn't say anything to anyone except for that then you just went off in the corner that's all i have to say you guys that's it just play smells like like i really emphasize the p2 i was like pussy and everyone in there went yeah you're right bro everyone was like dude nobody laughed everyone just like made fun of me and then i was like all right i'm gonna go in the corner you know what i'm saying i thought that would crush though, dude, especially since we were near Gansett. Yeah.

By the water. Yeah, dude. In Newport sometimes, it rains, man. Like First Beach is like, oh,

all that red tide and shit like that. I've never been to First Beach. Is that where the bitches go? Well, it used to be like, again, I'm dating myself.

This place called Johnny's ABC and it used to be, now it's like a wedding function hall and it's like, it used to go there and it was during the day they'd have live music and there was, we knew the bartender there. Kid knew everyone in the during the day they have live music and there was we knew the bartender there kid knew everyone in

the world they'd have live music and I used to call it the the tits and testosterone club because every dude in there was just roided out of his fucking mind and every girl in there was just this was back in the day though back in the day so it was like it was straight up like horse tranquilizers pretty much like like I'm sure these dudes were just like sitting there like this like yeah I just can't wait to fucking rip someone's head off bro and like every girl in there was just like bombs like fake tits and just like music pumping it was just yeah and this was like in the middle of the day like you know and then light knows what i'm talking about

and uh no it's just and then we go rip it up in newport that thing's gonna there it goes off again that was fucking spooky fuck my life dude it's all right then we go rip it up in Newport that thing's gonna fall there it goes dude it just went off again that was fucking spooky fuck my life dude it's alright sorry dude we'll get over it dude it's alright

should we cut this out or just keep it in just for like genuine yeah just you gotta you just gotta let it roll fuck man I just heard that

that was like that made that noise like oh yeah something's here something just dude the amount of stupid shit that's happened on this podcast like out of bad luck bro

dude well that's what makes that's what makes it real. That's what makes it fun. I've had, like, pictures fall, like, in front of good stories. You know, some dudes, like, yeah, somebody's crying. They're, like, fending their life away. Fucking pictures fall. I rip ass at the same time, dude.

My mom comes home, dude. My dogs start barking. I'm just like, fuck. Comes up and starts licking your balls. Yeah. You're just like, no, boy, bad boy, down. Yeah. Like, back to your story. I'm sorry for that inter. Comes up and starts licking your balls. Yeah. And you're just like, no, boy, bad boy, down. Yeah, I'm like, back to your story.

I'm sorry for that interruption. Go ahead, please continue. It's all right, dude. You just got to fucking roll with the punches, man. That's what it is, man. Especially when you're up on stage. You can't, there's no bailout. Yeah.

You just got to keep trudging through, man. Yeah. Trudging through. Dude, how long have you been doing? Like 2007. Look at this segue right here. Okay, yeah. How long have you been doing comedy 2007 Look at this segway right here How long have you been doing comedy Like 2007 that was a great segway

Talking about fart and pictures falling off the wall So how long have you been doing comedy So it was like 2007 I can say it was like my official year Where I kind of like started My wife was pregnant Holy shit So you already had a wife when you started dude i had a

wife and a child on the way holy shit and you know it's just what i'm saying like it was totally fucked up so i had i was married wife i'm sorry child on the way and i was like man i just i've always wanted to but i never had like i was always like the class clown and the funny guy and and but i was like oh i could never do that on stage and i have no way i just i don't know how those guys do it and then so i kind of long story short i was like hey man i'm just gonna fucking give it a try like what's you know i don't want to be like 40 years old and be like what if you know so so you know i was doing like it everyone does you know just the grit driving you know an hour to any open mic i could you know all over new england

like i was hitting every place i could and uh so within like i think it was like six months or like eight months they had this this contest at catch a rising star which used to be inside twin river casino yeah and sony was like i'll catch a new rising star and everybody's like oh you're gonna enter this i'm like no way dude i'm like there's no fucking way so i entered it and then i think it was like between like the people who entered and the people who you know didn't actually make it into the piece so it was like over like 200 comics or something like that give or take and then you know like every round it went down down down then it was like the final 10 and it was like inside there they're like grand venue so there's like 600 people at the final yeah and uh

it was just it was it was sick and then i wound up winning the whole fucking thing like holy shit insane dude and and then they flew me out to reno where they're like you know their mother club or whatever you want to call it is that's the silver legacy casino and resort and you're like i'm up in like reno and i'm like you know at this point my son's born and i get like pictures of my son like up in the and i'm like i you know, at this point, my son's born. And I get, like, pictures of my son, like, up in the, and I'm like, I can't believe this is so fucked up. Like, then I'm here. And then, you know, my other son was born 22 months later. And, you know, still working the day job, still pretty much doing comedy full time.

Two new kids. And it was just, and then it just kind of came at me so fucking fast. And I was just like, wow, this is fucking crazy. You know, shoulda, coulda, woulda. I wish I wish i started like 10 years ago but how old are you how old am i now no when this was taking place i was like 30 i was like 30 years old yeah 29 actually was 29 and um and it's crazy it was just yeah so it's like i'm just glad that it happened like and i'm you know i'm never i'm never moving to new york city i'm not moving to la i'm not doing that so i'm just like psyched to be you know fortunate enough to be as busy as

i am like locally and you know like i look at every every gig like a blessing you know what i mean because it's just you know especially with the whole you know current situation with the you know captain covid and all that stuff man because i'm sure that was tough for a lot of us that whole year and a half or whatever to kind of just you know it's just fun to do it man it is it's just i get in like even when I show up to like open mics, you know, given they're only like five minutes from my house or five miles, I'm sorry, and I feel like, you know, comics are like, what are you doing here?

I'm like, why wouldn't I be here? Like I'm just trying to, you know, try shit out. Yeah. Yeah, I can't get over how many times like I'll just get up there and even if you're going over a new joke and then just something happened off the cuff and like, holy shit, I just came up with a great new tag for this joke I've been telling. Or I'm just going to be like, I'll just get up there and even if you're going over a new joke and then just something happened off the cuff and like holy shit I just came up with a great new tag yeah for this joke I've been telling or I'm just gonna be like I'll just see how this rolls and you know if like I joke about it like open mics and people are going bombed at that open mic I'm like bro like everyone

bombs at an open mic you know like if someone literally looked up from their phone for five seconds that means you crushed that open mic yeah you know what I mean so like don't don't get hung up over it so that being said even if I feel like know what I mean? So like, don't, don't get hung up over it. So that being said, even if I feel like something that I'm trying out, like even kind of gets any kind of, you know, reaction, I'm like,

all right, well just, let's keep that one in there, you know, in the back pocket. See if that works out. It is crazy. Just like doing it,

like going, like even that dude last Thursday, I wasn't even gonna go. Like I, I just hit the gym, you know, I got a, I got a good,

like I was sweating my balls off at the gym, dude. was playing like the rocky soundtrack yeah dude and i was like four fucking i was like dude this isn't over bro like we're going to the mic nothing is over i was literally you know i was on that i was on the option you know which way i was going to go on the highway like what should i take the high road dude just went all the way to worcester man hour and seven minutes dude and i remember being up there and I was like, I'm just going to tell. Oh, so you were up here already. I was in Attleboro. Oh, yeah.

That's a good, that's a good, yeah, that's a good hour. Easy. But dude, I remember being up there and I was like, dude, I'm just going to do the same shit I always do because that's kind of like the thoughts you have. Right. But once I got up there, you know, like a few things. Right. I just tried out and it worked and I was like, wow, dude.

Right. And you don't know how you're going to react, how your brain's going to think or react. Yeah. You just, yeah. And that's what, and I think that's how you kind of develop yourself when you kind of already know like, all right, I got this stuff in my back pocket, but you know, everyone's going to be, you know, no one wants to go up there and, you know, bomb or whatnot. But you're like, okay, I have this that I know works know works but then i'm like i'll throw this in there too and then

you know with the combination of the two i think you're kind of like you have you have that swag or whatever you want to call it that confidence to kind of you know throw it out there yeah and especially you know like i said it's like open mics it's like the trench trench warfare comedy like sometimes you know i've heard from some comics like, oh yeah, that open mic's like an hour from my house. I'm not doing that shit. And I'm like, all right, well,

that's not, you need to fucking jump in. It's like the trench warfare, man, of comedy, like I said. It's just like. Yeah,

I don't mind the drive at all. I think, I think just like, it's like a habit. Like it's like, I feel like once you start doing it, your brain just kind of like, all right, you know, it's time. Absolutely. But, it's like, I feel like once you start doing it, your brain just kind of like, all right,

you know, it's time. Absolutely. But if you're used to going home and just cranking one out, dude, like, your brain's going to be like,

this is what we do. Exactly. That's why you took the left instead of the right that night, man. Yeah, dude, yeah.

But honestly, man, like coming home from work and just spanking one out, like, that's, you know, that's fucking,

that's an awesome time. It is. After a while, you're like, dude, you know,'s fucking that's an awesome time it is after a while you're like dude how many more years can I do this how many times can you exactly just you know

switch it up yeah we can beat off while you're driving and still kill two birds with one stone have you ever done that I actually have not

I have not dude that's another thing to add to the bugalos man I don't know if I'd like I just because I like to I'm kind of a i don't know i like i like a nice compass comfy atmosphere when i'm you know you set everything up and

shit i mean yeah man it's just kind of like you like i just you know i feel that i got kids dude i could like barricade the door really i'll put sandbags at the bottom of the door and shit and just yeah it's just you gotta be smart you gotta be prepared man you're gonna be no one no one wants to get busted no one wants to get busted. No one wants to get busted. Dude, that's honestly, that's pretty tough, man. You know, I don't really set shit up, but I definitely, like, it's a huge part of my day. Like, it's one of the only things I've ever been consistent with. Beating off for, like, work and meeting goals. I'd be crushing it right now.

But, you know, it's crazy. I think the, like, males of design, like, you physically have to get that out. It's just, I don't know's crazy. I think the males of design, you physically have to get that out. It's just crazy. Females don't understand it, and whoever's listening to this might not agree, but it's actually like it's the truth. I think your body and your brain is like, dude, come on, it's time. You need to get this. Yeah, I always tell people I'm not hurting anyone.

Exactly. If I want to play some Avril Lavigne, dude, and just start cranking away, dude, just let me do it. All right. You know, it's better than me, like, you know, humping like telephone poles on the highway. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You definitely don't want to do that.

They're dirty. You know, they're filthy. So, you know, I'm not hurting anyone. That's all I'm saying. You're not hurting yourself. You're not hurting anyone. Unless you're violent with yourself. You might mentally be hurting yourself, but it's, you know, it's all on you.

What do you mean? Like you feel bad about it when it's done? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Every time. It's like, dude, what the fuck? You sick fuck. It's just, you. What do you mean? Like you feel bad about it when it's done? Oh, yeah. Every time. It's like, dude, what the fuck? You sick fuck. It's natural.

I have that joke about how my grandmother used to make my brother and I whistle whenever we went to the bathroom by ourselves because she thought it would deter us from masturbating. Wow. And I've had so many... You've never heard that joke, dude? No. I don't think so. So, literally, i was like the youngest boy in my family my brother was the oldest boy and i don't even know why we had to whistle but she because she did it because they were psycho like christian catholic irish catholic and she

felt that it would deter us from masturbating wait so you would whistle before you went to take a piss no no check it out. She would make us whistle while we were in the bathroom because she thought it would deter us from masturbating because, you know, you can't,

I swear to God. So I was too young to know why I had to whistle, you know, and I did it anyway because, like, my grandma, I was, like,

afraid of my grandmother because she was crazy. So I'd go in there and I was like, and I'd finish up and get the hell out of there. You could piss while doing that? Yeah, dude. Holy shit.

Because it's mind over matter, man. Mind over matter. No, I wasn't masturbating. I was urinating. Okay? The other aiding, not masturbating. But even pissing, like that takes a lot of focus. Yeah, dude.

I was just kind of like, you know, this is what I have to do. It's an Irish Catholic. You need to do that shit, get it done. And I was too young to even know why I had to whistle. I didn't get it. But then my brother, because it's a mortal sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church, you're not allowed to play with your own penis. But your local priest can.

No problem. Come on down. No, I don't feel bad about telling that joke. I think it's disgusting what they did. But anyway. That was a good joke. Thanks, man. It's not done yet.

So, and I just, that was cheesy that I said that. But anyway, so the whole point of this joke was, like, I had no idea why I had to whistle or what was going on. I just did what I was told. And then it would be, like, my brother's turn. He was, like, my older brother, the oldest boy in the family.

And he'd get in there and he would be like like dude like super awkward i'd be out there thinking to myself like i'm in the kitchen listening to my brother i'm like man my older brother can't whistle for shit like and then i grew up i'm like oh okay that makes a lot of sense that makes a ton of sense wow dude that i grew up i'm like oh okay that makes a lot of sense that makes a ton of sense wow dude holy shit you all right was that joke too much for you bro yeah definitely that was a good setup too much of a i didn't i didn't expect that oh sorry you really caught me off guard there oh sorry man sorry i'm a southpaw so you gotta protect protect the ribs and the head at all times man you would take that swing dude that would that would dude honestly even just pissing and whistling at the same time like that blows my mind yeah dude the first week of my new

job i had to piss next to like the big swinging dick dude like not for like you mean it's like a drug test or you guys using the bathroom we were just using the bathroom at the same time he was like john great to have you on the team and i was like dude i couldn't even i couldn't team yeah dude i couldn't piss at all like he was shooting fucking it was great to have you on the team. And I was like, dude, I couldn't even. The team. Yeah, dude, I couldn't piss at all. Like he was shooting fucking, it was like a fire hose on his end. Oh, God. All that money, dude. That fucking, the 401k, everything just coming out.

Dude, I couldn't do shit. It's strange how, like urinating, as I'm getting older, I feel like some dudes are jealous of me the way you're an act. This is a, this, this is a crazy story. I hate when comics say it's a true story, but I was in the bathroom and I've same situation. Like I was,

I was probably just coming off the road. And usually when I get to a gig, like I have to go to the bathroom immediately. It was, I'm drinking my gallon of water a day, bro. Staying hydrated. You actually,

you actually do that? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And, uh, so then I get, uh, you know, I get me to go to the bathroom.

And I was like, I was going. I'm just like, it was good flow, good flow. And I swear to God, the guy next to me was like, oh, it's such a good piss. And I was like, what? I was like, what? I'm like, he just, I'm like, I didn't say anything. But I'm like, that dude just definitely was like jealous of my piss. And I was like.

He said it under his breath. He was like, oh, it's such a good piss. And I'm like, dude, am I paranoid? Like, no, that's definitely what he fucking said. Like, and I'm like, is this what men have to look forward to, is just being jealous of other dudes' piss and the flow and the stream? And I'm like, oh, man. Then I'm Googling prostate problems on the way home.

It totally freaked me out. I was like, what the fuck? Did you question him? Question him? No, man. I couldn't even look at him. I was just like, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. And it was like a creepy whisper, but at the same time, he was disappointed with himself

at the same time. And I was just like, I feel like I was back in high school. Like I was bullying this guy with my piss. Yeah. That's what people say when I pull my pants down to pee, dude. Oh, shit. They're like, damn. Getting all judgmental and shit.

Yeah. You're not a locker room guy huh no big deal i am so watch out yeah dude that's that's fucked man honestly yeah but yeah dude i'll you know i i thought i had like a prostate problem too because like ever all my you know all my buddies you know now homo dude i'll listen to him piss okay and it just it's just like a fluid stream is it like a competitive thing you just like you want to out piss them or you're just like curious i just don't want to feel like i'm like leading them on you know what i'm saying like i'll either like if i have to fucking piss piss i'll be fine but i need to focus like my

mind needs to be set on that goal like you need to freaking like meditate and let that shit out dude there was a point in time where like uh you know especially like now i'm not drinking enough water so it'll just be like dude i hate those that's the worst it's the worst and you just have to like keep focusing yeah and just never give up i mean your body's 75 water man people don't understand that like you need your body needs water like tons and like dude the amount of shits i take is like especially before shows like that's just nerves man yeah that's three things you either piss puke or poop you know i'm a pooper too yeah um how many shits are you taking before a set i mean usually like like clockwork one like one good one really satisfying and i'm like oh that was great yeah

but sometimes even like i'll notice like right before i'm about to get in my car i'll get the and i'm like oh man i'm just gonna do it here and get it over and done with because there's nothing worse like it'll be like halfway to a gig and you got an hour and you're like oh man i'm like no way to have any time to stop and pull over anywhere yeah but uh yeah man i'm a pooper too i'm a pooper it's just all nerves man it's just it's yeah i feel like a lot of people take that shit before the set but for me it's like multiple shits okay like i'll be like all right boys i'll be you know i don't actually say that because i don't say anything yeah exactly but i'll But I'll get up, take a shit, and then nerves come back, dude. Jeez.

And there's just the fact that stuff can actually come out. I'm blown. That's what I'm saying. You still got some left. Oh, dude, I'm setting off bombs, dude. Really? Probably. Damn.

Massive shits. Like pounds at a time. Every time. Like you could really. You're just like. You're like. You get in there and you're like. I'm not even joking, dude. Like literally like. Just like a horse. there and you're like i'm not even joking dude like literally

like it's like a horse just pounds of shit dude dude i mean that's that's why you stay lean bro you get that you get that good healthy gut i'm just ripping dimes dude jeez that's all it is like usually i'll just go in there and it's pretty satisfying i'll unload and i'm ready to go after that and now i'm just kind of jealous maybe i'm gonna maybe i'm gonna check my gut health now dude i just i just found out that like uh some of my boys they only wipe like a few times oh i'm like dude dude i need wipes i need wipes after wipes and then i i need like fucking yeah dude i have like a monthly subscription to uh like a power washing company like hey we're out here if you need us buddy that's crazy i'm like yo todd bring in the fucking yeah it's that those are the dudes that have no body hair bro those are the guys that don't have hairy asses and they just have no

idea what it's like to really i always thought it was just like the shit itself like it's you know i mean i think it's a combination of both like if you because when you were on that diet like the shits you were probably taking were just grass. Dude, they were like cement. They were like fucking cement. And I'd be like, I literally felt like I was shitting rocks. It was rough, man. It was rough. And I felt like, because I was actually, when I was doing that shit, I was drinking like a gallon and a half a day.

But everything I was eating was like straight protein and had a little bit of carbs. But when you eat that much protein, man, that's why you have to drink that gallon and a half a day because you have to keep hydrated and all that moisture that, you know, the hydration has to, you know, your gets absorbed in your intestines. So basically like if you think about it, like I was drinking that much a day gallon and a half of water a day and still like shitting rocks. If I didn't drink that, that shit would just sit, it would just sit there and I'd be like, Oh man, it's, it's, it, shit and rocks. If I didn't drink that, that shit would just sit there. It would just sit there.

And I'd be like, oh, man. It's funny, man, because now it's, like, I don't know. I just feel like after that, like, my shits were never the same. Like, after I did that competition, man, it's just kind of like, my body's kind of like, oh, you're going to stop this? I'm like, yeah, I'm going to stop. Dude, it feels so good to just take a shit and just wipe, like, once. That's the ones that just shoot right out. And it's just like a quick,

like, Oh man, I have to wipe. There's nothing there. There's no residue. Yeah. That is. Dude,

you could be having sex and just open up your legs and just be like, just like went out and still keep going. Just keep ripping. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Dude, that's the, but even the fact that you drink a gallon of water currently,

dude, that's, that's impressive, dude. Yeah. I just, it's just something I get, you just get used of water currently, dude, that's, it's impressive, dude. Yeah. I just, it's just something I get, you just get used to.

I don't know if like, I just naturally am dehydrated, but I've always, even like before I did the show, like I've always, I used to, I used to drink like a ton. Like when I was younger,

I drank like a, like Sunday was like my day. I'd order a large pizza from Papa Gino's and I'd chug like a two liter of diet Coke. And then I, i just was like i just kind of got i don't know i get sick of it and then i was never like a big soda drinker like i'll drink like the like even today like i'll drink like the energy drinks like on my way to a show like i'll have like a like a rock star i'm a rock star guy oh yeah so uh i'll drink one of those but um like soda like shit like that like it was never like it was never like a big soda guy

so even like when i was a young kid i always drank I always drank while I just always drank water You know, I think it's cuz that was shit I had in my fucking house They open the fridge and like up there's no milk. There's nothing I guess I'm just drinking water from the tap do that's dope man Yeah, it's just I don't feel like you have to condition yourself to do it, but it's just like I don't know Dude, I uh when I was younger I used to chug like gallons of milk at a time Yeah, drink like 12 packs of like Diet Coke. Well, I I was younger, I used to chug gallons of milk at a time. Yep. Drink like 12 packs of Diet Coke. Oof.

I'm telling you, that shit's addictive, man. They got to put something in that shit. My doctor was basically like, dude, you're going to fucking die. Dude, are you fucking my feet right now, dude? Oh, sorry, dude. I'm playing foot Steve. Sorry. I got 13s. Know what I mean?

Sorry. I would drink literally like a gallon of milk. In a day? Or like at once? You just sit there and chug? Dude, I had tit sweat, shit like that. I was really unhealthy. Just blockage.

Just everything was blocked. Dude, I remember one day I drank a gallon of 2% milk and a whole bag of Lay's chips, dude. Oh, dude. And I was just laying on the couch. And I couldn't move. Your stomach was like... That was the first time I ever got dehydrated. That's no joke.

My body was just like, dude, you can't even move right now. But, dude, I went to the doctor last week. And previously, they were like, yeah, we need you to get blood work, whatever. Like, you never get it. And I was like, all right, cool. I just went and got blood work. What do you mean? For, like, your lipid levels and whatnot?

They just recommended it. Because, like, I never used to get it before. I never really, like, took the doctor seriously. I was like, you know, they were just just like you mean just like a straight physical like a yearly physical yeah dude you know like he felt my balls and shit like the whole yeah i mean i i do that shit because it's like i'm sorry go ahead man go ahead but like i'd rather just have them catch it i'd rather you know go there and deal with them putting their finger up my ass once a year and have them find something or catch something before it gets bad i haven't done

the finger up the ass thing but i'm looking forward to it you're years away from that bro don't even worry about it yeah dude they were just like the second blood test i blew off they were like dude we need to go back like there's something wrong with you and i was like all right cool this was just last week oh it was a few months ago they were like hey we need you to follow up with the blood test like you never went i was like fucking lick my balls i'm not going yeah fuck you you're like no one likes being told what to do i told you wait so you what you what so you got one blood test and then they're like you gotta come back and take another one i had one blood test for the first time in like seven years okay and they were like you know you have some enzymal issues blah blah blah blah blah that's only like your kidneys

and all that shit like they don't know if it's like a kidney issue yet but they're like you know that's what it's leading to like we don't want you to have like fucking you know like a disease or some shit. They were like, your enzyme, like, they named the enzymes. And they were like, these enzymes are elevated. He was like, I think it's because you exercise a lot and you're just too muscular. And I was like, okay, you know. Yeah.

So we don't want that. We want you to be sick. Yeah. And, dude, so I ended up going to get the blood test because he, like, freaked out. Because I went for my back or whatever. Okay. He was like, last time, like, you didn't do the follow-up blood test. Like what's going on? I was like, dude, I'll just go like after this.

Yeah. So I went in there. We're like, it's getting worse. And dude, my doctor was like, literally two days ago, he's like, you know, don't exercise for an entire week. I was like, fuck you, dude. You know what I mean? How does that make any fucking sense at all? He was just like, do nothing.

And I'm like, fucking hell no. Dude, that that that's fucked so that's why i'm drinking water now because like i think that's what it is i just don't drink a lot of water uh they were like your enzymes are elevated i take creatine enzymes not your white blood cells enzymes yeah they named the uh what was it like the creatine like i mean uh do you take creatine on a daily basis i don't drink a lot of water. More than five milligrams. Just five more. I'm sorry. Five grams.

More than five grams. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So cause I can fuck with you if you take more than five grams. I take like exactly like the, I take one serving size, but I don't drink a lot of water and I exercise a shit ton.

So I was, I put the piece together. I'm like, I just need to drink more water. I'll be fine. Absolutely. But the fact that they were like, don't exercise.

I'm like, dude, come on. That makes no fucking sense.'s i mean i'm not a doctor by any means but like when did you have ever heard a doctor tell you to hey you should stop exercising and it wasn't even like if it was for my back i'd be like all right maybe you know that makes kind of would you would you pull your back well i told you about the accident or whatever oh that's right right sorry i gotta start physical therapy next week but it wasn't about my back they

were just like you know because of the blood test i'm like what did the fuck like why the fuck would i do nothing well do they think there's any correlation between the accident and these like because you get banged up or anything like that or no no they're specifically like that i mean they think it's just because i exercise a lot they didn't say anything about water but i think that's what it is just i think it's exercise creatine no water well how much what's your protein intake are you taking in like 200 grams a day? Dude, usually I'll kill some livestock in the backyard, you know, throw it in the garden. Chase down a fucking chicken, cut its head off, cook it up.

It depends on the day, man, but I would say it varies a lot. But, dude, the whole water thing, like you sound like you fucking enjoy drinking water. Oh, dude, so many people are like, I hate it, dude. I can't. It's like drinking razor blades. It's not that bad for me It's just like It's uh

It's gonna take Well let me ask you this Do you drink it Do you drink cold water When you drink it Is it like freezing cold water So I bought I bought a jug

And it'll like Have the times of the day on it Okay And so you Like a 64 ounce jug Or like Like a gallon A gallon jug

And it'll be like Alright you're almost there But it'll show you like the levels. So like, you know, it'll make it easier for me to like track where I'm at. Right. Whereas like, you know, most of the time we're just like, oh shit, I haven't drinking any water. I just fucking chug it.

No, it's, yeah, it's like anything, man. If you want to follow like a routine, I have like, I have a bunch of different, like the shaker cups that I use. But like one of them I just got is like 48 ounces. different like the shaker cups that I use but like one of them I just got is like is like 48 ounces and they're usually

like half that so I know if I'm at least drinking two of those a day which is like I mean I polished one off pretty much before I even got here tonight

and so I know if I'm drinking at least two of those a day I'm like right there where I need to be I'm like at least at 90, 100 ounces you feel better too right

when you drink water oh absolutely absolutely dude like I just first thing I'd like in the reason why i asked cold water is because cold when you drink cold cold water like i know dudes are like i like it when it's like right before freezing that actually if you drink enough water like if you drink a ton of water but if you drink it at that temperature like it can actually put your body into shock because the water is so cold and it's coming in your body almost doesn't know how to react to it so they you know they they say it's better off drinking like room temperature water you know just keep it at room temperature yeah and then your body absorbs it quicker it's less of a shock to

your body and it actually hydrates you a lot faster and a lot more effectively than drinking freezing cold water yeah i can't even drink freezing cold water it's tough when i was like yeah well i mean like when i was in college like like a night after booze, and that's the first thing. And I'd just put back like a 16-ounce bottle like I was snorting. I'd be like, just like squeeze it down my throat. I'd be like, oh, man, I'm still thirsty. I'm still thirsty as hell, man. I would drink like two Pedialytes and like a bag of almonds.

Yep. Just go into fucking cardiac arrest. Oh, the Pedialytete i love it with a commercial now with it with a dad i'm like is this guy like she you know when he he's like oh he's all sweating and he's like hurting his mind the kid's like daddy are you okay and he grabs her pedialyte she's like daddy that's mine he's like fuck off he just he starts pounding her pedialyte i'm like all right is this guy like sick or is he hungover or is he just like has he been drinking for two days is he on a bender and then you ever like yeah stick to the gatorade you know how much that pd light is for like 28 ounces or whatever like it's like nine bucks it's it's so

expensive it's ridiculously expensive a lot of sodium in it tons of sodium and that you hide that's and that's the thing too with a lot like a lot of these uh like the gatorade and the power aid and those things like they taste great even with the zero the zero sugar but if you look at the sodium levels and it just it's it's so you know counterintuitive intuitive if that makes sense you can check my spelling on that one i know but um like you're drinking this to be high to you know to stay hydrated or to hydrate yourself and then you look at the sodium and all the sodium does is just absorb all the all the moisture so it's just like what the fuck is going on here? Like sodium.

Sodium is like the silent killer, man. Like salt. You see people like putting like table salt on their shit, which everyone does. You know what I mean? I'm not being judgmental, but that's like, like if you like have a heart condition or a problem, that's like one of the first things when your doctor will ask you like,

did you use table salt? You lose a lot of table salt? You're like, oh, you mean like this container I have right here in my pocket? I put that shit on everything. Dude, it's fucking insane, man. It's tough. It's tough. My sister-in-law loves it.

She loves the salt. Even the salty, the salt and vinegar potato chips. That's how I feel about sugar, though. What's that? That's how I feel about sugar and coffee. Oh, God, sugar. But the thing don't i don't put real sugar in it because you know for health reasons but then i'll use like the fake sugar shit which who knows what the fuck is in that like like splenda and stuff yeah splenda which is like the best of the worst you know that's you know yeah that that's like the what they say is the healthiest, but now I've been just using, um,

Stevia, just like pure Stevia extract. And it's just, it, it took, it took a while to get used to it cause it's not as sweet, but it's, it's,

it's all natural. It's, it's, you know, they, but even like they say like a hundred percent Stevia and then you look at the label and you're like this dextrose, there's sucralose,

all that shit. But, but they, if they just put a tiny bit of that stevia in it they can say oh it's all natural but it's not you know it's just like you gotta read the labels bro you know you gotta read the labels yeah dude i feel you man i'm just jealous of like all the people who have like gifted genetics they can just fucking shove like oh you mean eating eyes oh yeah oh dude they can just fucking they eat their wife out and then just eat like

four cheeseburgers, dude Like, don't even get a pound It's fucking insane, dude Like, dude, if I had four cheeseburgers, bro I would be diagnosed with diabetes the next day Like, my genetics are so bad, dude I'm gonna die in like five years, dude Dude, oh, don't even get me going, bro

My dad was So type 2 Adult onset Like, he didn't drink a drop of alcohol in his life but if he did bro he'd be like leaving las vegas times fucking 10 like but like dude you're in pretty good shape like you know right now i'm i'm like thank you man but like right now i'm honestly like i'm in the worst shape of my life man i had i had surgery on my shoulder back in back in uh march so i've been trying to like i'm just back to the gym like three weeks now and i'm like i'm like putting up

the bar like dude i'm at the gym put him the bar and I'm like killing it. You know what I mean? Cause I had a, like I said, the surgery on the shoulder and then anyway, so I'm just trying to get back there. But it's like, you're my, it's crazy when you do get back to like your muscles have memory, man. I'm just kind of surprised even with this, like just a month back. Yeah. What are you doing at the gym? Like, what do you do at the gym? So to be honest with you, what I'm doing is I'm like, I can i can't do cardio anymore like i just i go out of my fucking mind even if i'm i'm watching a video or i'm listening to my tunes like i can't just sit on the fucking treadmill like i go crazy so i've been doing a lot of like hit cardio so the

gym that i work out at um at my wife's gym that you know that she works out that she uh that she trains out of and whatnot your Your wife's a personal trainer? Yeah, she's a personal trainer. Damn, dude. Dude, yeah, she's done it. Like leggings and all, dude? Dude, just yoga pants all day, every day. Yeah, she doesn't know anything else.

What type of training does she do? Does she train older people or everyone? Dude, she trains anyone from 19-year-olds up to 65-year-olds. She's actually training a kid right now to do an actual bodybuilding competition. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. So she doesn't fuck around, dude. She doesn't fuck around at all, man. So the shit you say on stage is legit? up to 65 year old she's actually training a kid right now to do an actual bodybuilding competition oh shit dude yeah

so she doesn't fuck around she doesn't fuck around so like the shit you say on stage is like legit oh it's 100 it's I think I'm taking it lightly bro yeah she's just throwing

fucking kale at you in the middle of the night literally just like if I even I'm like oh I'm feeling like pizza tonight she'll just be like mmm

mmm pizza yeah she's like you want this like you can't say the P word like she's like oh she's like

I can make you a pizza from scratch with organic crust I'm like no that's like i can make you a pizza from scratch with organic crust i'm like no that's fine i'll just order some papagino's and just fucking so she like she like forced like not forces you but she's like if you want this pussy you're gonna eat fucking kale tonight bitch like it's funny like she's pretty when it comes to that she's pretty cool but she'll let me know that she's not happy with what i'm eating you know what i mean like i don't think she's gonna like shut me down for that but still she'll just let me know that and i think you know to be honest with you it might actually influence that you know what i mean it might actually influence that yeah you're like

i want that pussy look i mean i i mean we've been together for so long and every time i see her i want to have sex to the point where she's like you're so creepy i'm like why is that fucking creepy yeah like i mean dude she's a personal trainer dude she i mean even if she like even if she wasn't hot dude the fact that she's a person like that's hot dude you know what i'm saying it is hot and i just like it's it's just crazy like dude when you said my wife's a personal trainer dude i got a quarter chub when you said that dude you should get a full chub bro like she's i mean she i mean she's i mean i've always i mean since the first time i saw her dude like as cheesy as it sounds like my buddy used to run this restaurant and like we i'd go there and we you know he'd

manage the place and then they'd close down pretty early like 11 o'clock 11 30 then we'd go hit the bars whatever so i remember i walked in there and like i knew everyone that's like hey dorsey what's up bro and uh this one day i worked walked in and like whatever the host of station was like to the right of where i would approach the bar and i was like hey what's up bro hey and then i look over and i was like, holy shit. And I was like, hey, who's that? And they're like, oh, that's Heidi. That's the hostess.

I'm like, yes, it is. What type of place? Was this like an Applebee's? Or was this like a legitimate? No, it was a private place. Oh, shit. It was like the big. And it was super, super popular in Worcester.

Like a legendary restaurant, which is now closed. But I don't use names as you can tell and I mean she worked there shit she worked there for freaking 20 years like she started as like a a hostess and then she worked up to bartending and whatnot but anyway point being like for the first time I saw her I was like oh man but then I thought I was just like oh she's kind of on my not so much like out of my league but I'm like I was like don't even don't even try it bro like it's a fucked up story dude we'd be out we'd be out at bars like we used to hang out together and like i'd buy her beers and stuff and i would i would talk to her about anything because i was

just like i wasn't not so much threatened but i was like i'm not i'm not trying to go for it so i'm like whatever i'll just talk to her and we became so you know so so good of friends between like i literally would be like like hey see that see that girl over there and she'd be like yeah i'm like i've been banging her for like the last two weeks and she'd be like oh really i'm like yeah like i don't and i would just and then next thing you know like there was this one night we were all out and i think it was like something cheesy i'm like oh how about a kiss good night and then we were like yeah we all made out and then it was just kind of like all right here we go the rest of the rest is history bro it was just funny it just kind of just kind of happened was it like a lifetime movie

like was that what it was like? No, it wasn't cheesy like that, even though she makes me watch those fucking things. We're coming to Lifetime season, I think. Like, next month they start. Fucking excited, dude. That's how I feel about girls, man, honestly, dude. You want to be the Lifetime guy? Yeah.

Like, dude, I met this chick. Don't tell anyone, dude, all right? Okay, well, I won't. Yeah, don't tell anyone, dude. No, dude, I met this chick. This is a fucked up story dude okay I'm ready

and uh dude everything is like a lifetime movie to me like that's how I think about it like when I meet chicks I'm like oh dude like you sorry to interrupt

like you you feel it's that way or you wanna you try to make it that way just my whole life like it's I've like tried to it's been that way in my head

like the whole flame truck thing. Okay. Listening to, like, the Rolling Stones. All right. Like, I always thought some chick with, like, tight jeans and, like, converses was going to be, like. Oh, yeah, dude. Feathered hair. Yeah, dude. Like, yeah.

Yeah, she was just going to fucking tag my car, like, draw a dick on it or something. Like, we would just fall in love after that. You know what I'm saying? Like, shit like that, dude. Like, I'll go to, dude, I'll go to, like 10 at night dude just like imagine scoping for chicks yeah like i have a joke about that like where i'm just like buying hummus like at the same time as another chick dude we just fall in love dude you grab the same package of hummus and you're like oh no you take it yeah yeah you take it yeah dude so i met this chick dude and and we ended up just, like, talking the whole night.

Wait, you met her at Target? No, I met her at this, like, this Oceanside restaurant. Let's put it that way. So it's pretty fucking legit. So it's probably in Rhode Island, I would say. Top tier, dude. Fucking solid place, dude. You're a classy dude.

I don't even know. I was fucking blasted. Let's be real. I was fucking shit cocked. Okay. But, like, we were talking, like, the whole night, dude. You're a classy dude. I don't even know. I was fucking blasted. Let's be real. I was fucking shit cocked. Okay. But we were talking the whole night, and she was saying some of the coolest shit, dude. So she wasn't like, you're fucking wasted. She was cool.

No, she wasn't like, I didn't have to try to talk to her, dude. It was just easy. It was one of those, bro. That's awesome. Dude, it was so easy, man. That's so cool. And then at the end of the night, we both agreed. We were just going to hang out and fuck around.

Not even hook up or do anything, just hang out. Okay. She's like, yeah. So I just ended up going with her, dude. So we're driving around, and we got ice cream or whatever. It's like fucking 3 in the morning, dude. Dude, that's totally Lifetime. And dude, I'm like, dude, I'm living a Lifetime movie right now.

You fucking are, dude. So we're like, dude, where are we going to go? Where are we going to go? We didn't even know where we were. And she's like, oh, I actually worked down the road. And I was like, cool. Obviously not going to say names. She brings me to like another oceanside restaurant dude wow so we walk open after hours or still open no no no it was completely shut down but dude her boss was in the back there was

like this massive fire and he was with a chick dude so we had to sneak by him bro i'm like she's like hiding behind me oh so she so the boss has no idea you guys are there no idea he's with some chick like he probably bartered there after hours trying to impress her

like I fucking managed this you know what I mean like hang out later dude we'll fucking hang out a bonfire it's the fucking best you know how much pussy I get back here

chicks love the bonfire bro dude so there's like there's like outdoor seating and stuff but then there's like a massive pier with private boats. So we sneak back there, dude. And we're just walking around, checking out the boats,

like making fun of the names. Now I'm like, dude, I'm in a legit Lifetime movie. You are. Like we're sneaking on the boats. We hear like chit-chatter, dude. These people are like on their boat and they're getting off, dude. So we have to hide in a boat. I'm like, shh, shh, shh.

Dude, they sneak by. They don't even notice us. I'm like, dude, this is a Lifetime movie. That is totally Lif off, dude. So we have to hide in a boat. I'm like, shh, shh, shh. Dude, they sneak by. They don't even notice us. I'm like, dude, this is a Lifetime movie. That is totally Lifetime, bro. Flash forward like 20 minutes, dude. We're banging on the front of this dude's boat, bro. No way. Literally like on the front, like the front end,

like on top of his boat. Like on top of his boat. Like, dude, it was like a legitimate porno, dude. Like, dude, it warped. It's like Millenniumium falconed into fucking from lifetime and dude if you were we was there if you were at the restaurant dude and you were like eating like fucking clam chowder no shit you just stared off and you were like dude i think that guy's balls deep in that girl you're like you stopped talking to the girl you're

with you like yeah bro fucking go for it it wasn't like it was like, you know, it was still like a lifetime movie though. You know I'm saying yeah for like I felt like I was in the I thought I was in the notebook, dude Wow, and then all that's a minute anyway all of a sudden after 22 and a half seconds Okay, 22 and a half or two and a half two and a half. Okay. I rounded up All right, you know as any man would but dude all I hear is, are you fucking on my boat? Oh, no. And the owner was there, dude. In the boat?

He was. No, wait. He was on his own boat? Dude, that might be the greatest story ever. And he's like, what the fuck? He's like, where are the rough seas? Is there a storm? I don't know if he was in the boat.

He overheard us. Or if he came on. Like, he had to be. Well, at least you're the quietest fucker in the world. No, dude, he had to be quiet. He had to be. We're on the pier. I don't know if he was, like, somewhere else, and then he came, but he was on the boat when

he yelled that, dude. So you're, like, on top of her, and you just see this dude, like, what the fuck? She was on top of me. Oh, okay. And she saw it. So you can't see anything but up. So you can't see behind. Was he behind you?

I'm facing the restaurant. So if there was people there, I would have been like, yo. Yeah, you're like sending out your website and shit. You're like, yeah. Dude, so I'm facing the other way. She's facing towards him. And all she heard was like, are you fucking on my boat? And I was like, oh, shit.

Did we both? You're like, no, I'm choking. Yeah, did we both got up? She was like, don fucking on my boat and i was like oh shit do we both like no i'm choking yeah do we both got up we didn't she was she was like don't fucking say anything because i would have been like it's my fucking id you know i'd be i would have been like just fucking take she said don't say anything she was like don't fucking say anything and then like dude we ran like we ran down why did she know the guy or was she just like just no she was just like don't be fucking stupid and tell him like you know i would have been like here's my social security number yeah exactly i'm really sorry yeah no but she's like don't fucking say anything you watch hallmark movies bro let me

just tell you what how it went but dude we just ran down the fucking pier dude i literally felt like i was in a lifetime movie dude like she was wearing my clothes i was like my fucking balls were flapping everywhere like running down the pier i was playing music with my speed bag yeah dude and we just fucking We got to the We got to the exit And it was locked We had to hop the fence again dude

Wow And I was like Do you need help And she was like No I got this She fucking hopped that fence Like a champ dude Wow

Poof dude And then we left dude So she was like a tomboy And then she went back to work The next day dude She just looked at all those boats She was like Yeah

You know what i did last night she was like i own that real estate chicks so what happened you never get to talk to her again you didn't go in there for some chow down and be like hey remember me no dude you just had to let it you just like was it that awesome you just like i'm gonna let it go bro i just let it go dude you just let it go wow we'll never see each other again wow never say never bro never say never yeah man that was my story dude i hope I lived up to your expectations dude That's a great fucking story Yeah man

That had so many different It just It started off when you're like Oh we're going out We're hanging out We're getting ice cream To then fast forward Balls deep on some other dude's boat

Getting chased out of there And then she jumps the fence bro That's like That's the best part dude That's true romance bro You know Didn't even have to help her dude Didn't even have to like

Give her like leverage or anything. No ten fingers, nothing? Just, just, she was gone? She was like, get the fuck out of here. Oh, man. Fucking. So you, oh, so even after you guys hopped the fence, that boom, that was it? That was, you guys were done?

She went her way, you went your way? No, she dropped me off. She dropped you off. Yeah. What a champ. Yeah, because you were all banged up. Yeah, dude. But I'm sure you were pretty sobered up after that experience.

Yeah, she still has my pineapple shirt, so I kind of want that back, dude. Oh, dude. You know what I'm saying? If a guy has to have a pineapple shirt, you've got to get that shit back. That's like the only shit I wear out, too, dude. Go on jcrew.com and just get another one. They're like super cheap right now. It just has a lot of sentimental value, dude.

I guess, yeah. I was going to hang it up on the wall. You didn't even want to wash it. You just wanted to love the smell. It's got the beach. It's got the... Yeah, dude. I was going to hang it up on the wall, dude.

Seriously, frame it. Write boat bang and all capital letters above it. With a sharpie. That's fucking great. Everyone's like, hey, what's that about? You're not allowed to ask me unless you're on my podcast. I'll talk about it. Otherwise, it's really none of your goddamn business.

All right? But that was it, man. I felt like, dude, honestly, I know I said it like 70 times, but that's the closest I'm going to get to a Lifetime movie, you know what I'm saying? Dude, I think maybe you should contact Lifetime and be like, yo, I got a great concept for you. She's probably got her own life, dude.

I've got my own dick jokes, too. Was she around your same age, or was she younger or older? Did it matter, didn't care? She was younger, dude. Didn't know? Okay. She seems super cool like that. I don't want to get distracted with that type of stuff man you know i'm saying not like a bad way you know what i'm saying what do you mean like i'm 25 dude you know what i mean oh my god so like i don't want to like get whipped you know no i understand but

sometimes like it's it's oh my god it's so true but like no one no one goes out and is like i'm getting whipped tonight you know, it just happens. But you see so many of your dudes, they just fall. You're just like, ping, pow, ping, pow. It's so funny, bro. But how many good men? Sorry, I'm going to go play footsie again. It's all right, dude.

I like it. How many good men have you seen fall, though? Man, I mean, all the way back to even, I've seen dudes just be totally I don't even I can give you a number but I'd say at least two or three of my tight tight boys growing up just even at the high school level because it's just like you know everyone has their own thing like some

you know some guys have a lot of experience you know with girls early on some guys don't and I just feel like it's the ones that don't they just kind of like oh my god this is the most amazing thing in the't and i just feel like it's the ones that that don't they just kind of like oh my god this is the most amazing thing in the world they just kind of forget about everything else and it just it sounds like a cheesy like american pie movie but you're like bro what the fuck i'm like i know i know you know i'm not blowing you but like what the fuck like you

spend every minute and then you and then you start to notice that like you know they act differently and it's just like bro like this isn't like this is it's it's frustrating i guess you know i think i say it more as a you know as a younger guy um and it's just frustrating because then you see like like dudes get married and then you're just like bro like you're not even like you anymore yeah like dude and and i'm just speaking real right now i don't i don't i don't mean any disrespect for anyone who's been married or anything like that but it's just like you see i'm just answering your question like you see it happen and it answered your question i just i did there are dudes today that i just don't talk to anymore that i that were my fucking best dudes and i you know would say anything to and just you know it could be myself around and then just like it

but the shit happened it happens man it happens it happens all the time yeah i've seen it happen so many times yeah but then there are other you know for the most part i'd say there's a lot of dudes that i know that, you know, I still hang out with and their wives are great and everything. So, you know, but, you know, on the other end, there's a few that get away. Like you come, a couple of your bros that get away and just like, I don't know how you go from like talking almost every day

to just not talking at all. Yeah. And it's just like, it's kind of like a growing pain, I guess. You're just kind of like, what the fuck? Like how the fuck did that happen? But fucking happens you know i mean it's a part of just just growing up and getting older and just you know getting more responsible is what it is you know because and there's some relationships too like when you're with dudes in college or even high school and and like you just find out you're like oh we just we just partied together

partied together and you grow up and you just kind of like you know they basically started to get responsible and you just kept partying and and you're like you just don't hang out with those dudes anymore but um i'm not saying that's me for the most part but yeah no like dude like you obviously you know like you can you know i mean dude you're going to open mics right you don't have to say anything else yeah exactly so i mean that's just it's not like you're like oh i gotta go home and fucking you know well it's i mean it's it's i think it's like with the whole, you know, COVID situation and whatnot, I'm just like, not only do I want to go out because, you know, I've been in the house all freaking day long,

but I just, I don't know, it's funny because, you know, I feel like kind of like the OG, you know what I mean? Like I just, like I show up there and I'm just like, I don't want to sit here and like critique or whatnot, but I'm like, I just like, I just, I still, I feel like I just kind of want to like keep a pulse on like what's going on with like some of the newer comics or some of the more established comics some of the comics never done it before and just like kind of like see like what's on their mind like what's going on and how they think what they think about what they're talking about um you know just just

just out of you know pure curiosity and just to see like if I you know if I out of, you know, pure curiosity and just to see, like, if I, you know, if I can still just get up there and, you know, just kind of create something that I've never really done before. Yeah. And just to, like, it's kind of a selfish thing, to be honest with you, because I just want to get up there and, like,

just get it out of my head, get it out of my, you know, get it out of my brain and just see, like, how I feel about it, how effective it was and do I really care? am i ever going to tell it again do i because the thing is like i i'm like i think like every comic like you can't care what what people think about you you fucking can't you just can't because you just you're just fucking dead in the water right you're just gonna do your shit stay true to yourself and hopefully if you try to jump in and out of you know different skins for different people wherever you are it's just it's never going to work and like i feel like

for a little bit like you try to do that because like you know you want to be booked everywhere and you want to be booked with everyone but at the same time you get to kind of still stay real to yourself and just be like you know it's like when i was first starting out i'd go to boss and open mics and i'd have comics be like hey you know like no one really no one's really loud and and uh basically obnoxious no they wouldn't say, you know, like no one really, no one's really loud and, and, uh, basically obnoxious. No, they wouldn't say obnoxious, but like no one does act outs and voices and stuff like that. And I'd be like, great.

That's, that's awesome. That's, that's going to just keep me even more motivated to just be myself. You know what I mean? I'm not going to try to conform, you know, based on, you know, other people's critiques, you know, and what they, cause I just feel like I don't think they had my best interests in line or in mind. So I'm just kind of like, oh, okay, I'm just going to completely change what I do and think just because you think so. Thanks, buddy.

Appreciate it. I think that's like the center. That's like the underlying message here is like staying true to like... Yeah, just be yourself, man. Because it's just like... Because like some people, you're like, dude, who the fuck are you man like yeah it's like i'm watching split dude yeah yeah it's and i i see your point i see your point so but it's sometimes it's hard like i said because you want to you can't like you want to be accepted by everybody and liked by everybody

but you can't like not only in comedy but just in life you can't you can't please if you go through your life trying to please everyone, you just wind up fucking yourself. As cheesy as that sounds, it's 100% the truth, because I was one of those people who wanted to be like, I want to be friends with everyone. But then you find out, you're like, I'm a fucking pussy. I have nothing to say. I have no backbone.

I don't stand my ground. And then as you get a little bit older, you're just kind of like, you have to, or else people are just going to walk all over you. Again, I feel like fucking get a little bit older, you're just kind of like, you have to, or else people are just going to walk all over you. Yeah. And, like, again, I feel like fucking Grandpa Jim talking over here, but it's true, man. It's totally true. No, dude, you should.

People notice that, and they'll fucking take advantage of you like that, if they know that you're easily, you know, if they can manipulate you or whatnot, so. No, you should keep doing it, man. I mean, everything you say to me, I listen to. Oh, that's good. Like, you're like, John, what the fuck are you doing? I like fuck never said that as far as you know as far as the listeners no no no but i've always been that way man you know and like just like the reassurance you know i'm saying because i'm like dude i'm gonna go up there and i'm gonna i'm gonna tell my fart jokes yeah exactly

i'm not gonna stray away from them you know what i'm saying dude there's every you know exactly exactly just do what you want to do. Stick, stick to your plan. Like, here's the thing. Like you got to have a plan and anything you fucking do. And there's sometimes like when you go to even like even regular shows,

pro shows, open mics, whatever it is. And you, and you go up there and you're like, you know, this was there a plan like before this, this individual went up there.

Like, I just, I feel like there was no plan and it's just like, I don't know. I just feel like it's, it's a waste of time. Like if you get like, if you're going to take gonna take the time and energy like you said to drive like an hour to do this better have a plan you know i mean like absolutely have a plan and and i just feel

like you know what it was that movie like with no plan there's no attack with no attack there's no victory you know but it's just i don't know i just you just can't get up there and wing it like like some some comics can you know some people like even in like college when i like i took communications and like we'd have to you know take public speaking and like i could go up there like just off the cuff and go up there for 10 minutes and not worry about it but then when i took corporate finance i'd be like oh christ they might as well be speaking in taiwanese like i don't know what the fuck's going on in this class but it's just like everyone has their different talents and what they're good at you know what i mean so i don't even know if that was like long-winded or whatnot if that made any sense whatsoever i'm happy you're doing what you're doing okay thanks

man yeah like everyone's like well how long are you gonna do comedy for i'm like i mean i don't know i'm like i'll just i plan on doing it for as long as they'll book me you know what i mean to be honest with you you'd be the funniest fucking old guy, dude. Oh, seriously. Like even like right now, dude,

I want to like egg your house. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. Oh, my house has been egged numerous times because of my wife. Yeah. I feel like, man,

I just, I, so I don't tell like any, any of my, like, I obviously don't tell any of my real jokes when we're together. So, um,

Halloween because, because of the wife situation oh yeah i've heard this joke yeah okay yeah so like fucking my house gets egged because you know with a raisin house on fucking halloween i'm like i can't believe this i can't fucking believe this happened yeah but dude i mean you're a fucking stud bro your wife's a personal trainer dude yes you know you're still you still have your personality dude you're out there motivating comics dude you're fucking you're fucking dude You're fucking, dude. Hey, thanks, man.

It's always, you gotta be fucking. Yeah, dude. ABF, always be fucking. I don't know if that's proper English or not, but I think it's badass. No, dude. No, I appreciate it. Dude, even, like I said, man,

everything you've ever said to me, dude, it's fucking hit home, dude. Even that first conversation. Where the hell is this? I'm gonna sound like a dickhead asking you this, but the very first time we met, was in rhine island or was it in mass or was it i actually met you at the the woo ha ha oh no shit dude i think i had just gone up and you were like dude i really like like i really you were like i really like how like you look like you're gonna cause a genocide

but like you're not and i was like dude thanks so much man but we do we had we like we had a good conversation that's funny and i was like i, I'm going to remember that, dude. And like, you didn't remember me, dude, but I remembered you, man. Sorry, man. I talked to a lot of people. Yeah, I was like, dude, after that show, I was like, mom, like, I think he talks to other people like that, too. I mean, don't be sad that, you know, just be, don't be, what do I say to my kids after

vacation? No, dude, honestly, that was like one of the few conversations I've had that was like genuine with like another comic. Oh, thanks. Because like most people are like, that kid's going to blow up Bank of America tomorrow. You know what I'm saying? And like, dude, I'm a pussy.

You know what I'm saying? Like I talk about that on stage. I'm a fucking, you know, like. But like I don't think I said, that doesn't sound like me saying the genocide thing, but I think. You said I look like a jock. Like you were like, dude, when you walked up there, man, I thought you were going to talk about like fucking. But that's what it was. I don't think I mentioned genocide, but I think you said I look like a jock like you were like dude when you walked up there man I thought you were gonna talk about like fucking that's what it was I don't think I mentioned genocide but I was like dude you looked like one of these rugby dudes like dude I'm

throwing like crash dudes heads and I fuck bitches and then you started talking man and it was like holy shit I do love the uh the uh the Johnson and Wales mostly Wales but like is it like legit like there was no hot girls at your school? Are you just exaggerating? Dude, it's split up. What do you mean? I'm not going to say it's a piece of shit college, but it's like, you know. You have to fucking, I had to take a bus to class, dude.

Oh. Because it's spread out. So what's the undergrad population over there? Well, dude, they have the culinary campus and then they have the actual down. So it's spread out. All the classes are spread out throughout Providence. So I was a transfer student. I had to live on the culinary campus and I would have to take a bus.

Oh, okay, okay. But yeah, dude, most of the chicks I was surrounded by were like hefty, you know, like bakery chicks, which isn't a bad thing. Were the culinary students like feeding these other students? Yeah, a lot of the culinary students would work at the cafeteria you're like um actually they they were like actually jennifer wasn't that big oh my god yeah man there was one chick uh i told you this that night we met dude her name was uh well i'm not gonna say her name obviously yeah no name her nickname was mac and

cheese dude oh because she would play with herself in front of her roommates and it would sound like mac and cheese get out like one night one night that i came back like blasted bro and like they were down the hall she was with a few you know hefty chicks and i was just like yo was she like on your floors like she lived on your floor she lived in the same building on the same floor. And like she was hanging out with some chicks. And I just found out her nickname was Mac and Cheese. And I was like. Legit.

Like this is a real story. Yeah, 100%, dude. We ended up hooking up. But, dude, I was like, yo, you guys have any Mac and Cheese? And they all just fucking left. And you had no idea her name was Mac and Cheese until you asked no that was the reason i said it because like her roommates were like talking behind her back and they were like yeah she like plays for herself in front of us and like we don't know what to do oh my god they were like it sounds like mac and cheese ah i mean if

she were a quiet masturbator that'd be one thing but like mac and cheese yeah how fucked up is if your roommate is masturbating you're like damn yeah we were wait, so she just masturbates like in front of you? And they were like, yeah, like just, you know, right after class. Wow. Like, you can't do that around the boys. No. No, that's, no. Just start fucking cranking one out like at 2.30 in the afternoon.

You'd be like, dude, like, just put the... Yeah, dude, just fucking... Do it on the top bunk at least. Yeah. Crunch a bag of Doritos or something, dude. So what was it like in terms of like... This is the word I'm used to Like discipline wise Like did you have like

Co-ed bathrooms and shit And like No no no Oh same sex So it was pretty tight Okay Yeah dude I used to

I used to fucking jerk off In the showers Ew You one of those dudes No I'm kidding It's like paper mache bro Like I tried it a couple times And like once the water hits

It's like paper mache And you're like Now you get to stay in the You get just stay in the shower for like an extra 20 minutes just to get that let's put it this way if i could go back in time i would have commuted okay oh wow okay it was it wasn't fucking fun okay it was a waste it wasn't worth the money that's rough yeah i'm not taking a fucking bus to class like my sister had to take us she went to umass amherst and like the undergrad, I think when she was there, was, like, 30,000. Really?

Undergrad. Like, that's insane. Yeah, no, dude. Because I had gone to URI, and I was like, this is the fucking shit, dude. Oh, you went to URI, bro? I was like, dude, there's high chicks everywhere. URI? Yeah.

Oh, my God. But, dude, yeah, man. It wasn't for me, dude. I went to URI, man. So, it was my sophomore year. And my buddy on my floor, his cousin went to URI. And they were in a frat. They were like seniors.

We were sophomores. And he's like, road trip, bro. We're going to URI. And it was like, you know, jerk each other off, FLU, whatever frat it was, whatever. Oh, that was the name? No, that's what it translated into by the end of the weekend. No, I'm just kidding. Just like, bro, I love you, bro.

Yeah, there was a lot of camaraderie. Super camaraderie, yeah. So we got there, and it was probably, I don't know, 6 o'clock, not even. They had this huge table. It probably sat, I don't know, 18 people. Probably the biggest table I've ever seen in my life that was actually one piece. Maybe that's an exaggeration like maybe like 12 people and everyone sat down and they had like two handles 175 bottles like one was like I don't know Jack Daniels and the other one was like

something else didn't matter and they just kept passing the thing around until both of them were gone and I'm like through this is like I've never experienced I think like this in my life. And that was just to like start the night off. Like, first drink of the night just to get me right. You know, it was like, I'm like, dude, we're not going to make it, bro. Like you finished the whole bottle? No, I mean, like it kept going around to like all the 12 people.

So like you take a swig, pass it. Like at the end of it, like it was done. It was, yeah. So like when you think about it, it wasn't really like that much. But I'm like, this is just what they're doing to like kick off the night like you know i'm like jesus christ i'm like what's gonna happen and uh but yeah so that was that's my uri story dude and i was just like dude i was like afraid how did the night end it was okay actually because because we uh his buddy put us up like we had like our own spot to like stay in

yeah so it's not like we were like crashed on the floor or anything like that so we were we were kind of like pampered a little bit so it was it was the nice you went you went there all four years though no no we just went this is just one night to go visit my buddy's cousin who stayed there i mean who lived there and it was his senior year we were sophomores in college so they had like a little bit you know a couple years on us yeah and it was just like i was like wow i'm like i i'm fucking i've never partied like that before you know yeah dude sometimes it gets out of hand man if i look back at like some of the shit i did i'm like dude you were fucking oh yeah everybody does man oh christ every time so i'd wake up the next day and i'd be like bro like how did we get home last night they'd be like doris you drove

everyone i'm like oh yeah that's right and then all of a sudden like your your brain your brain releases that highlight reel and you're like oh yeah we oh that's right yeah yeah okay i totally remember now and they're like dude that's that's fucked up i'm like no that is fucked up so everybody they're like i mean you can laugh at it now but when you think about it's really not that fucking funny but you know you know yeah boys will be boys you know what i mean everyone doesn't man got away with it dude you know so i know i just you know i get a knock on some some wood there we go there There you go. There you go. Yeah, man.

It's, yeah, most of the jokes I tell are pretty true, man. Yeah, and that's why I could tell that. You know, I've told you that before. Yeah. So it's just like it feels like you're not really reaching for it. It's coming through. Yeah, man. It just, I don't know, man. I don't know, dude.

Every time I have a comic on, I just feel like, you know, I've had so many different comics on with like so many different like mindsets. Yeah. And they're like, dude, my jokes don't fucking actually happen. And I'm like, what? Really? 100% embellished? Like there's going to be some truth to them.

Like I feel like we all embellish a little bit, you know? Yeah, man. Like, dude, it's so simple to me. Like it's like, you can like kind of tell, like when someone's on stage and they're like telling a joke, you're like, that fucking it's so simple to me. Like, it's like, you can, like, kind of tell. Like, when someone's on stage and they're, like, telling a joke, you're like, that fucking happened. You know what I mean? Right, right. Because, like, it's.

Because, I mean, because he's, because of the sincerity of it or because he's behind it, like, he's behind the joke or just because he's believable or he or she is or whatever. And even if you're lying, that's pretty fucking impressive that you can tell a story like that. You're lying. That's pretty fucking impressive that you can tell a story like that. But like when people are like, yeah, man, you know, I went to this party, dude. And somebody took out an RPG, bro. And fucking blew up my friend's car, dude. And then, dude, and then we had an orgy.

And you're like, dude, wow, man, that really happened. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a little much. Then there's like stories where it's like starts off serious. And then it ramps up a little bit. You're like, all right, dude, I can, you know, I can believe this, you know, and then there's a punchline, and you're like, all right, dude, I got this.

Kind of like the Lifetime story, bro. Yeah, yeah. I hope you don't tell that one on stage. I don't know, dude, I don't think anyone would laugh at that. You just want to hold it, you just want to hold it in your heart. I just want to keep it there. It's, like, too deep. I feel you, man.

You know what I mean? I feel you. It's deep. It's way deep. I just want to, like, dude, if, like, it was ashes, I would just want to, like, let it off into the ocean. If it was a dove in your hand, you just want to let it fly away. Just be free. Be free, a dove in your hand, you just want to let it fly away. Be free.

Be free, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, man. But, dude, I think you're the shit, dude. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Appreciate it for coming on, dude.

Oh, don't worry about it, man. Honestly, like I said, man, I'm just shell-shocked that you actually came through, dude. Oh, man. I would never leave you hanging like that, man, especially in like a new— You never know, dude oh man I think I would never I never would leave you hanging like that man especially like I knew you never know dude no I feel bad

because you because we've been at this for like a while and I'm like oh yeah I'll do it I'll do it and then finally last time we worked

I think it was like two times ago and I'm like dude I'm definitely doing this I promise you know yeah so yeah I would never I would never do that

to you man no that's fucked up no dude but I dude I appreciate you coming man the problem thanks for having me

man it was fun and uh talked about a lot of shit yeah do you have anything to say to the yeah the fans dude the fans do you got any shows coming up dude yeah so i get um this thursday night i'm in millyard brewery in new hampshire national new hampshire saturday uh chuck steakhouse in auburn and uh steakhouse steakhouse it's fun i've been doing show this for years but i think um it's kind of rough like with the numbers we have so far but like you know a lot of people like literally like thursday the numbers will jump a ton yeah but i just think that um you know with

the current dude after this bro it's gonna sell out dude yeah i hope so man yeah come on down chuck steakhouse in auburn buy your fucking tickets today, man. But yeah, I just think that just keep plugging, man. Keep going out there. Keep doing your shit. Keep fucking plugging away, man. It's for you, man. It's what you got to do, man.

It's for you, dude. No, dude.