The Johnny Salami Podcast - Comedian James Firth

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

Comedian James Firth by The Johnny Salami Podcast

You ready, dude? You in the zone? Yeah, I came in the zone. You came? I've been so in the zone. I came a little, yeah. Alright, dude. You ready? I'm ready. Alright, what's going on, everybody? Welcome to a new episode

of the Johnny Salami Podcast. It's good to be back. I'm out here with my boy J-Dog, James Firth. What's going on? I'm J-Dog. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah dude dude what do they call you the uh well your instagram name's like the firthonator or something like that firthomanic oh wow i've been known to go as girthy firthy wow dude some people know me as that it's like a porn name it is yeah it's it's fairly accurate because i do have a pretty girthy penis though wow

this is a good start i'm glad i'm glad you came i i always start with girthy penis right off the bat i was gonna say that is like you know that'd be a solid porn name yeah like if you got into the business yeah i've been thinking of it and you know being in this environment in this porn studio has made me you know really start considering because this is this is too bare this is a creepy room really it's it's a what i mean i don't know there's this exercise equipment yeah i don't like i don't like that there's a large boom box or something in here sorry bro sorry to let you down man that's okay dude it would have been more uncomfortable if like you were in my bedroom you know what i'm saying i mean unless that would have made you more comfortable it would have made me more comfortable really if there was like a bed

and stuff well yeah because i don't know there's just some dude we used to do in my bedroom and there was like you know candles were lit there was a bed yeah but it's in your mom's house so there's kind of a she wasn't home though dude so there's no one to save us anything could happen yeah dude all right we had candles lit dude tempur-pedic mattress bro yeah like it was a good vibe man now there's an exercise bike yeah i mean if you want to get after it after this i mean we can do that yeah we can start playing some fucking hentai porn yeah like through the speakers yeah we can do it do it quick no i'm happy to hear man though the drive wasn't that bad no it was like 45 minutes it's not bad yeah so you you said you

got your own place too yeah recently in rhode island yeah it's it's a it's a weird feeling that's my uh so how was uh like when you moved out of your mom's like was it emotional for you too yeah she had to kind of you know push me out yeah otherwise i would have just not left because when i'm like in a place i don't like change yeah you know if i get used to something i want it to like ever change so yeah it was it was weird i slept on the floor my first night it's not very comfortable probably not a good start so yeah it was a big she was living by herself yeah yeah i don't i don't like roommates i feel you joe seems like a good like a good guy though yeah joe yeah i mean he's kind of a piece of shit but you know whatever

no man i mean dude it's it's fucking weird man like i just you know even this room right now yeah like i'm so used to being like in my bedroom yeah you know people walking in and be like dude are we shooting a porno right now you know yeah it's a vibe again and like i just i just don't like living with people because like i live with my mom and she knows who i am as a person i can't get comfortable around someone like that yeah it's a different vibe well that's what i mean that's kind of weird though, dude, that like you said,

like you're uncomfortable with change, but you do stand-up comedy, which is like constantly changing, you know? It is, but that's like my one thing. Yeah.

You know, that's my exception. Everything else is like... Because comedy is like super uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. I get very nervous still. Well, it depends on the show. It's like a big yeah. I get very nervous still. Yeah.

Well, it depends on the show. If it's like a big show, I get really nervous. If it's a small one, I don't give a shit. I don't know. I mean, dude, so we can just... I mean, you're like the big... I mean, you're opening up for Mark Norman, dude. So you must be like super nervous about that.

Yeah, I'm shitting bricks, dude. Yeah, yeah. The whole thing. I'm not funny, you know. I'm not a good host. Yeah. Everything's racing through my mind. Dude, you fucking bomb yeah probably i'm gonna throw fucking eggs at you thank you for saying that everyone's like oh you're gonna do great you're gonna kill it

thank you for do you like i mean dude when i go up i use like reverse psychology yeah you know well i mean i think it's just like the idea of like you know not being like the big swinging dick yes you know i'm kind of just like, dude, like hoping for the worst. Yeah, I have low self-esteem. I don't like it when people are like nice to me, you know. For whatever reason, my upbringing, I find it almost like false in a way. Yeah. You know?

No, it is, dude. I mean, I get that a lot, you know. Wearing like big and tall Izod polos, you know, wearing like big and tall eyes, odd polos, you know? Yeah. I would rather someone like, especially like, you know, like headliners. Yes. You know, like those fucking dickheads. Yeah.

That's why I love them. Cause they're always, a lot of them are like assholes. Such fucking dicks, dude. And some, a lot of people just aren't, you know, are afraid to just be themselves. Cause a lot of people are assholes. A lot of people are afraid to be assholes. are afraid to just be themselves because a lot of people are assholes. A lot of people are afraid to be assholes. So in a way, I respect it. Yeah.

Yeah. I look at like the headliners. You can just like be like a straight up dick too. Just be like, yo, do that set fucking suck, dude. You want to fucking, you want to lick my balls, bitch? Like I'll do that with like Ray Harrington, dude. He's like the nicest guy ever, but like he's such a fucking dick. So it was like Brian, you know, dude. He's, like, the nicest guy ever, but, like, he's such a fucking dick. So, it was, like, Brian.

You know, Brian's a fucking asshole, but he's, like, a good-hearted person. Yeah, they're good people. Yeah. Because they're assholes. Yeah. It's, like, the nice ones, you know, you got to watch out for, dude. It's true. Those are the ones that are talking shit.

Dude, so, I mean, like, I, so you are opening up for Mark Norman. What's going through your head? Well, honestly, right now I'm trying to get it off from work. I'm still trying to switch with people. Because obviously I said right away, yes. I'm not going to take the time to find out if I can do it or not. I'm just going to say yes and do it. So that's what I have to deal with first.

And then I also have to just practice hosting a lot because it's different, you know, than doing regular stuff. So you just got like a message. That must have been like the best day ever, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was surprising. It was out of left field you know someone else is booking the connection weekends now which i'm sure you're aware of i have no idea dude i've just been jerking off dude well it's a different person i'm not going to say the person's

name yeah because i don't want you know everyone no i'm just saying like dude if you get if you wake up in the morning dude i mean dude if i dude, if you get a message like that, dude, I would have been fucking rock hard, dude. Yeah, I was super excited for the entire day. I was just in such a good mood. And it takes a lot for me to be in a good mood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Generally, I'm sad.

I feel the same way, man. Like most comedians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To get a rise out of me. I mean, I've heard different. I've actually been more around in Boston. i feel like people are in a better mood you know yeah a lot of the a lot of the comics are more like uh i guess creative like they have good lives and i'm i'm like confused i'm like wait a second so like you have a good life and like and you're doing

this yeah they're like yeah it's supposed to be like that yeah it's super confusing you know yeah but it just is you know i mean like i mean we are from rhode island uh i don't know man you would think like well i mean i guess it depends what like part of mass you're from but i mean that's kind of an over generalization too but i just feel like around here that there's more you know there's more of a positive uh yeah because you know they matter as a state in rhode island everyone makes fun of us we're the smallest state we have like little state syndrome we have a napoleon complex you know we're constantly getting shit on and eventually it goes to our brains so it's angry all the time yeah it's just a it i mean the state i mean it has some nice parts but

generally it's not that great yeah there's not much to do yeah yeah i mean comparatively like when you really drive across the country um you know rhode island has its good parts but you know a lot of it sucks and people just spend their entire lives there. That's very true, man. Yeah. I feel like it's a great place to raise a family. Yeah. Like, it's very, like, very passive. Like, there's not much to do besides go to the beach and, you know.

I mean, dude, like, if you want to, you know, buy some Scott's Turf around the weekend, you know, like, finger bang your wife. Yeah. Like, Rhode Island's the place for you, dude. You know for you dude you know i'm saying got some finger bangable wives definitely yeah that should be a fucking commercial dude like welcome to red island it's like do you want to finger bang your wife and buy scott's turf grow move to providence yes yeah i uh i don't go to the beach that much i don't like it yeah i mean Yeah. I mean, I've been talking about this on stage, dude, but... I mean, I've got salami nipples, dude, so... Really?

You're going to the beach, dude, yeah. Can I see your nipples? No. That's fucking weird. I thought we were getting crazy. I mean, dude, you've got to ease your way into it, dude. You can't just go right for the fucking kill. That's what I don't have any tact or any social skills.

Hey, let me see your nipples fucking little foreplay dude before you just go right into it have you shown them on the show no dude some lady yelled out though like when i was telling my joke she was like show me and i was like what the fuck she was like you can't say gay but show me your nipples i'm like that's fucked up yeah she was like we don't use the g word here and then she's like the owner she was like show me your nipples i was like what the fuck odd set of values yeah it's like dude but also you're i mean your your your podcast is called the johnny salami podcast is it gonna be a special reveal episode like when you show your nipples to the camera sometimes i put up shirtless pics but like dude i have to like take a fucking airsoft gun and like shoot my nipples before

i take the picture i have to like aggressively pinch my nipples or there has to be like a solid wind gust that goes by yeah for them to be like the right but dude if it's hot out they're expanding dude you know what i'm saying yeah that's just science expansion yeah heat but like pool parties dude do you wear a shirt no i'll take my shirt off i'm just saying like the beaches and like where i'm like yeah that's not like an aspiration of mine like usually like during the summer i gotcha Sometimes I'll swim in the reservoir, dude, and I'll bring like, I have these goggles I bought from CVS, so I'll fucking throw those on, dude. Hop in there, man, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, absolutely. That's a good look. Tear it up, dude. I have normal nipples, but my skin burns very easily. Even if you wear like sunscreen? i mean it's just it's a white situation yeah it's not good so like you could put on like a good amount of sunscreen and like still be sunburned still be sunburned and i um i don't like the sun in my eyes

yeah i mean i don't think you know brightness they had to teach me that when i was younger to like not look into the sun yeah that was like a valuable lesson i learned i just had a natural instinct not i just don't like it in my eyes and it's too bright and i don't like wearing sunglasses either because i can't see that well in them yeah how people see in sunglasses that everything's the wrong color yeah there's no color you can't see i just i can't do it i don't you have you have contacts you just wear glasses let's wear glasses I don't like things in my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have contacts.

I've always had fucked up eyes. Like, my eyes have always been super dry, you know. But I ended up getting contacts. And I actually had a call at work a few weeks ago because my eyes were, like, glued shut. Like, I looked like somebody, like, literally, like, blew, like, 40 farts in my face dude that's like in a row so i was telling people i was like yeah dude me and my boys we just fart on each other that's you and joe yeah that's how you guys moved in i mean dude if you have like you know if you have pink eye dude like

first thing that's coming to someone's mind is like this guy like was in a butthole this guy's sitting on faces yeah and you just have to go along with it dude i was in a butthole yeah i wouldn't show my face to anyone if i had pink i would make up a story well i mean you do so you're a you're a nurse though like still i'm i'm not supposed to be the patient i'm supposed to treat the patient. That's a bad look for me. But you're surrounded by hotties, dude. If you were like, yo, me and my boys were farting on each other, that would get them going. Yeah, I'm not funny at work.

That's the best thing I've ever heard. I don't feel comfortable being myself there. Oh, yeah. I don't think anyone does, man. Does that go through your head a lot? Yeah, because I'll think of something like i'll think of something every two seconds like oh i can't say that here yeah you know and they're like why don't you're so serious you comedian and like because i can't oh so they know you do comedy yeah they do how they find out i don't remember probably told them dude i probably did yeah because it's you were like yeah just fucking

killed it last night all the bitches were like oh my god james yeah that's exactly what happens i mean dude yeah but no that thought goes through my head a lot i've always wondered if like other people who do comedy thought that you know they have to because like dude like you can't really be honest you know like if your boss is like, why are you so serious? What are you thinking about? Driving through this place with a boner. You know what I'm saying? You can't tell them. Yeah.

There goes my job, dude. It might be worth it. You can't tell people your thoughts in a professional environment. No. It's tough to be yourself in general just to communicate with people. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I've never been good at that. Dude, I've ruined fucking... Since I've moved here i've ruined probably like already like 10 conversations you know what i'm saying yeah i do that a lot too especially like do you ever see people who you haven't seen in a while and they're like yo what have you been up to you know i'm always like dude just spanking and they're like all right i'm gonna head out yeah but it's true though yeah like what else would i be doing you're in your own place now, practically. So you're obviously going to be jerking off a lot.

Yeah, but, dude, you just got to go with it, man. I just tell, like, especially at work, dude, I just tell people, I'm like, dude, I just, like, read Stephen King novels, go for long walks on the beach. They're like, wow, this guy fucks. This is a true story. I have a bookshelf in my apartment, and there's two books on it. They're both Stephen King books. Wow. It's the Dark Tower series, and I read a quarter of the first one, which was not that good.

I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know anything about Stephen King. That's a true story, though. I only have two books on the bookshelf. Really? And I feel like there's a metaphor somewhere. Well, dude, have you read them, though? I read a quarter of one.

Yeah. I used to read every day. I used to do that, dude. Sometimes I'd feel, like, motivated. I'd go to, like, Barnes & Noble. Yeah. See, like, a 45-year-old mom there, dude. Buy, like, three books.

And then I just fucking never read them, dude. You feel so smart. Dude, they look so good on the bookshelf, though, dude. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Yeah. People are like, dude, you read that? I'm like, bro.

Yeah, absolutely. Fucking overnight, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's a smart feeling, going to Barnes and Nobles. Dude, it has like a, I don't know, man. It smells like fucking pussy, dude. But like educated pussy.

I don't know what that would smell like dude i remember i did uh oh have you ever done have you ever done the wheelhouse in argancet like back in the day uh i was gonna be on one i got canceled really yeah dude i remember uh i did like 17 minutes there once wow and when i when i showed up I was trying to fit in with all the comics and I was just like dude it smells like straight-up pussy everyone like dude people shat on me for like five minutes like oh this guy's super cool and fitting in this guy's really fitting in dude I don't know how bad.

Just another dude. But that's, I mean, dude, you know, I was just being myself, you know. I thought that one was going to crush. Crush on me? I don't know. I'm going to laugh then. Dude, that's what you should say to, you should say that to Mark Norman, dude. I should.

Say it, like, aggressively, too. say to uh you should say that to mark norman dude i should yeah say it like aggressively too can you sense when someone else is like really really awkward and just trying to like be normal because i can like in the comedy world or just in general in general like can you i see it i see it a lot in like the comedy world at uh at work yeah but i feel like i feel like that's the social norm in general. I see it a lot in large groups. Yes. One thing I find is conversation circles are just ruthless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a soft-spoken guy. Like, dude, you know, you feel like when people form a circle you know not like a circle jerk but like dude if somebody forms a circle and i enter that circle it's no longer a circle yeah does that make sense you ever have the circle like someone else joins the circle and you get like edged out of the like the yeah dude closes together yeah you know like the wall scene the trap scene in indiana jones yeah it's gonna like crush you i feel that that's made of people and then you just get excluded from the circle you have to fight to get in the circle it's not a good look you can't fucking you know edge your way into the circle people are gonna they're gonna notice if you put your shoulder and edge your way into the circle and then suddenly you're just you know what are you gonna do you can't say

anything no that happens a lot. It happened more when I was younger, but now I've learned to like embrace the independence. Because like I don't even really want to talk to those people anyway. I do. Really? Yeah, I want to be in every circle. I guess it depends who's in it. But I feel like if you're having a genuine conversation with someone, they're not going to leave.

Yeah. But if there's like a fake, you someone they're not gonna leave yeah but if there's like a fake you know there's always like the big swinging dick in the circle who's you know he's the mediator like he's directing traffic true and then everyone else is kind of just like i you know i want this guy to think i'm cool yeah i want yeah and then that's that's when like you or i would go in yes and then that's when the circle kind of separates. I want everyone to like me. Really? Yeah, everybody. I mean, I think everyone feels that way, dude.

Like everyone. You don't ever see someone and you're like, dude, I want this guy to fucking hate me. Very rarely. Really? What if someone's like a huge, so like even like, you know, people who are like pieces of shit. You're like, I want that person to fucking love me. Yeah. Yeah.

When someone doesn't like me, right? And they can be a complete, I mean, within reason. When someone doesn't like me, my first thought is, what did I do wrong? Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. Not like, what's wrong with this asshole? Yeah.

But they don't even really know you, though. Well, sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Yeah. but it's not like you're gonna be like friends like i mean realistically like how many friends do you have my girlfriend yeah brad it's two main ones that's what i'm saying dude i've got like three friends that's pretty good yeah i mean that's dude i'm fucking crushing it yeah like three's a lot dude who are your friends uh joe yeah met him my friend nate nate sounds cool i got a friend richie he's a pretty friend shout out my boy rich he's probably watching right now dude he's probably hard as a rock right now dude yeah we all are um yeah i mean i have like because like dude friendship is like a big word in my like

dude that's literally it's a big i have like a flash card in my room you know just to remind me you know i'm saying but like friendship to other people you know that might just mean like an instagram friend dude but yeah you know i'm saying i have over a thousand facebook friends holy shit dude yeah one friend in real life but i'm just saying dude like why why would you even like i mean i i can see it from like a uh like a comedy standpoint like if you go up there you're like i want as many people as possible to like me yeah fuck yeah dude you're like fucking like me you know but like in the real world dude you know three maybe four friends dude i remember like this is gonna sound emotional dude i remember one time i did a show

in front of like 200 people in a standing room at a rap concert dude i humiliated myself like i was almost in tears dude like you know the you know the dj has a mic yeah he was like dude get off the stage he was like you don't have to do this and i stayed up there dude for 10 minutes wow fucking humiliated myself dude afterwards dude i was i was in like a deep depression like you know there's like depression you know where people are like i don't feel good this was like dude i was like jumping up and down in my bed naked to Avril Lavigne, like depressed, bro. You know what I'm saying? Throwing hard-boiled eggs at the wall.

Dude, I was fucked up. And you know what, dude? Nobody gave a shit, dude. Yeah. Except for my one friend, Nate, dude. He came to my house, just fucking knocked on the door. Like, talked to my mom. Was like, is John there?

Knocked on the door. Dude, he didn't even fucking call me. He just showed up, dude. He was like, is John there? My mom was like is john there knocked on the door dude he didn't even fucking call me he just showed up dude he was like is john there my mom was like i think so i think he's in his room dude good thing i wasn't jerking off dude but he came in my room and he wasn't even like a pussy about it dude like he was just like dude i just wanted to make sure you were alive and then he fucking left dude that's a friend man that's a real friend yeah shout out my boy nate dude shout out to nate that's a friend, man. That's a real friend. Yeah. Shout out to my boy Nate, dude. Shout out to Nate. That's a friend right there, though, dude.

You know what I'm saying? You should probably blow him. That guy deserves everything in the world. I mean, you'd probably blow him if you saw him, dude. Is he good looking? He's good looking. Yeah. Gets chicks?

Solid 8.5, I would say. 8.5. Yeah. Good bod. Yeah. Like an alternative rock vibe. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. it's a whole different story yeah

but i just wanted to share that with you dude so next time you're like i don't know who my friends are dude you'd be like i remember my boy john yeah i hope you knock one day on my door dude i didn't even know you were that sad of a person like i mean i always you always look like that dude who like if someone farted like you would laugh for like two seconds and then just straight face you know i'm saying like you'd be able to control it control the mirth yeah i don't know i don't even know what that means yeah but like what what got you into comedy when you started? I watched Louis C.K. and Bill Burr. I was like, well, these guys are really good. Wow.

You can just go up there and say things and make people laugh, and all the people are laughing with them. They're so smart. I want to be like that on stage. Then everyone's looking at you. It doesn't suddenly matter anymore if your voice isn't that loud. Cause you have a microphone. Yeah.

You can just hold, you can hold it up close. Yeah. Just hold it up close. I can hear you. I feel that. Yeah. And then like, you just, just feel better. Yeah.

I just feel like better. It's not like real life. I feel that. Yeah. It's different. Like it's just a, it's a completely different universe. Yeah. And, um, all the other fuck Like, it's just a completely different universe. Yeah. And all the other fuckers in the audience, they can't do what you're doing.

Yeah. You know? They're here to watch you. Isn't that amazing? Some of them pay money to watch you. Yeah. Go on a stage and say things into a microphone. That's pretty crazy, yeah.

No one gives a shit about us in real life. No one's going to pay money to hear us speak you know yeah conversation circle no we would get excluded from conversation circles yeah dude like as far as like everyone liking you though like one of my favorite parts of comedy is like when people are like super like disturbed like there's something about that that just like gets me going you know what i'm saying yeah if if you get a if you like the joke yeah you know what i mean like if they're disturbed and no no like they're like with their family and they're like that's fucked up like that's that's like one of my favorite parts of comedy dude you know yeah i mean i i only feel that way if, like, I really like the joke and it's a good joke. Generally, I want people to just laugh, you know?

Yeah. But, yeah, that's such a fine line, you know? People are so fucking sensitive. Yeah. For no reason. Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense. What are you...

I mean, we talked about this a little bit earlier but we're talking about normal people writing jokes and they have to be super creative like are you just relying solely on your sadness no no i'm i'm much funnier when i'm not depressed really yeah i'm much more creative but that whole depressed oh you're so funny when you're no you're not you're you're 100 you're fun no, you're not. You're 100%. You're funnier when you're not depressed. Yeah, I feel the same way. Yeah.

You're not creative when you are just, life sucks, you know? Yeah, yeah. When was your, when did you first start wearing eyes on polo shirts? When was the first one? About two and a half years ago. Wow. Recently. Yeah.

What was your look beforehand like this? So when I was growing up, I mean, I was overweight. So I always had like normal size shirts, but like nothing matched. Like I would wear like red shorts with like a mustard yellow shirt. Nice. And I would just like, I'd holler at the bitches. Yeah, dude. Throw up the shocker, dude.

You know? Did you try to get chicks when you were an overweight kid? I tried, yeah. Yeah. Like, my first girlfriend, I told her I loved her after, like, three days. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people did that. Yeah, the first girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah, you do that, yeah. Yeah, we held hands, dude, and walked home one night. I was like, after like three days. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people did that. Yeah, the first girlfriend?

Yeah, you do that, yeah. Yeah, we held hands, dude, and walked home one night. I was like, I fucking love you. Yeah. She broke up with me, but like... No one's ever touched me before except for you, so this is what love must feel like. Yeah. I remember, dude, we'd fucking...

We'd play a rock band and shit at this chick's house, dude. And like, I thought it was funny, dude. I would just fucking start smashing the drums like as hard as I could. Like scream vagina. So, we broke up after, like, three days. No chick you bang will ever feel as good as holding hands with a girl for the first time. Yeah. That's a good moment.

No homo. That's a good moment, dude. Yeah. Even with a dude. Yeah. Like, when you hold hands with a dude. Never done that, really. I don't know.

You got to try it, dude. You should try it at work, dude. Like in public? I know they do it. Do you work with any dudes? Did I grow up with any dudes? Do you work with any dudes? I work with some dudes, yeah.

You should just hold their hand tomorrow, dude. Dude, you know in the Middle East, men hold hands. Maybe I should go there just to hold hands with a man. Dude, do you think they get hard? For like the first time? Some of them got to be gay and it's not okay to be gay over there. I mean, dude, if I was at like Lowe's or something, I was about to buy like a new weed whack or something, dude. A dude came up to me and held my hand

dude I'd be fucking rock hard that would too at Lowe's that's such a what a brave man it depends like dude if it was if it was Lowe's or Home Depot like it would depend on the pricing you know what I'm saying

do you think that like gay people in the middle east like gay men do you think they hold their hands differently like an essential way i feel like it's probably more like a spiritual thing yeah what bothers me about holding hands is like my hands don't match with a lot of girls, but there's been a few instances where I've held hands with a chick and it was like perfectly interlocked. Oh, like a fit thing. That's when you get like a good like sack drip going, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. You get moist. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Holding that hand. There's nothing sexier than a palm against your palm. Dude, I'm telling you, man.

Like when they, dude, when they, when they lock in, dude. It's like they'll never let go. Yeah. It's like the fucking. They're made to be held. Human hands are made to be held, John. Dude, I hope you make a video of you just like walking up to a dude and holding his hands. Dude, that would be so. Do you know how many fucking views you would get

dude talking about getting people to like you dude yeah if you did that at like a fucking elementary school kids would love me i'm just here to hold their hand yeah dude my my favorite thing like i like uh me and my boys we have this thing where like it's something like you know like there's the phrase no homo yeah our phrase is just like am i gay like yelling that because it's like not offensive and it's like a good question you know yeah i mean you know sexuality is a spectrum yeah that's all it is it's like a good question. Yeah, I mean, you know, sexuality is a spectrum. Yeah, that's all it is, dude. It's a spectrum. Like everything else is a spectrum.

Yeah. I mean, dude, if I'm at like the Ratham Outlets, sometimes I'll see some dudes like popping out of Old Navy. And I'm like, dude, am I gay? You know what I'm saying? We're in a nice Old Navy. Got like a little bulge going, dude. You know what I'm saying? Old Navy has some real cheap clothing.

Yeah. So you can look good for cheap. Everyone says it's cheap. I mean, it's mean it's pretty dude i shop at walmart man like dude you can get like dude eyes out you can get like because i wear big and tall fucking double xl nice you can get like two for 25 dude pretty good patterns like this pattern's pretty fucking hot dude savers dude i could fucking tear an applebees up with this yeah you're tearing me up yeah but yeah dude when i was when i was younger i had a matching problem back to like your question uh but yeah dude i don't know man i think one day i tried uh

i was always into like the shirts that would like go that would cover your elbow because i don't want to be like a fucking douche. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to wear like a tight. You don't want to show the elbow. Dude, if someone. That's the line between douche and normal guy is the elbow. Dude, if a group of guys saw my elbows.

Dude, there would be an orgy on the fucking spot. They would just all be trying to hold your hand. Hand holding orgy. Imagine that, dude. Outside of like a Dunkin Donuts. That would be a fucking. they would just all be trying to hold their hand hand holding orgy imagine that dude outside of like a Dunkin Donuts that'd be a fucking just viciously scissoring each other's hands

dude they're just fucking finger pang each other's assholes holding one holding a hand in one hand and then dude can you imagine that police report they're like what caused this like dude that guy's elbows over there the police wouldn't do anything because they'd be too turned on they'd be running on the fun they got like nightsticks and shit though dude so they can fucking start

slamming fucking ales police brutality yeah there's no there's never any like police pornos anymore that kind of like that got me up that pretty like i mean obviously you know shit's going down in the world but still got to keep up with the porn you know what i'm saying we're losing our values yeah i think i think this at least me dude even like there was never really any firefighter porn there was like a lot of like you know like handcuffs and shit yeah you know like oh my god officer i don't see a lot of i don't see a lot of uh the classic you know tropes and you don't see that anymore yeah there's really just like it's always like step bro and step sis yeah whatever happened which i mean that's you

know that's good once in a while but like after you know two days in a row you're like all right we'll go three days but like you know i want to mix it up a little bit yeah what will be the next thing i don't know dude i used to be into the passion hd i mean do the step bro and the stepsis it's just too you know it's like a social norm now yeah it's just expected yeah it was supposed to be spicy but when it's it's every single porn it's no longer spicy yeah it's like when that guy from the incredible said if everyone's super no one's super exactly dude that's a good analogy right there it's a really good analogy dude i'm gonna write that down after this yeah and it has exactly to do with porn yeah perfect

but like dude even if they spice it up like a little bit like i've been i've been sending like some requests to the uh like the senator hey senator like harry potter dude harry potter would be sick dude i brought this up before dude but just fucking like sheldon yeah yeah sheldon whitehouse was that our Yeah, that was back in the day, though. Yeah. I don't know. Who's our senator now? Wasn't it Sidney?

Gina? Gina's the governor. Gina's... Is she still the governor? Gina, dude. Yeah, more like Gina. Yeah. All right.

Vagina. Oh, what a funny name. She's a fucking con dude. She looks pretentious. Dude, she looks like a con dude but you can't tell me you wouldn't give it to her of course she's a powerful woman yeah dude there was like a political show on netflix dude and that got me gone i forgot what i think it was called uh it might have been a porno no i'm just kidding it was an actual show dude and uh it was about this

dude who was like the body. He was called Bodyguard. It was like a legitimate, like, long-term porno. Dude, this dude was like the bodyguard for, like, a political figure. She was a woman. Nice. And, like, every time he protected her, dude, she would fucking. Dude, there'd be, like, flash flood warnings.

And, like, eventually they, like, had sex. Nice. Dude, I jerked off to that, too. That's awesome. Would you have sex with hillary clinton probably yeah we'd have to like ease into it a little bit though like i'd want to have like a coffee beforehand i'd do it for the pillow talk oh yeah you know yeah dude are you really people think you're safe dude like i would i wouldn't want to like eat her out and then

just like do nothing else like she wouldn't have to do anything to me just to like, that's where it ends. Just to like say I did it. You know, my boys were like, dude, you fuck her. I'm like,

nah, dude, I should hate her out. I could have, I could have if I wanted to. Dude, she'd, I mean,

she's probably doing like some freaky shit though, dude. Yeah. I mean, she can afford sex slaves. Dude, sex, I mean, sex is probablyaky shit, though, dude. Yeah, I mean, she can afford sex slaves. Dude, sex? I mean, sex is probably nothing to her, though, dude. Yeah, she has to kill people now.

Oh, dude. She probably has an alligator pond and shit. Yeah, probably. She's fucking throwing people in there. Yeah, she probably has sex with the alligators. You think so? I don't know if that would feel good. Scaly.

She's getting eaten out by an alligator? She's actually a lizard person. Those are her people. Dude, imagine that. Holy shit. I mean, we would both watch that, though. Like, lizard people porn. With Hillary Clinton.

If it was starring. Everyone would watch it. Dude, 100%. Because it would prove it. Can you imagine? That would be on every single news story. Dude, even if you don't watch the porno, the title is what gets you. That's even too far-fetched for Infowars.

Yeah. Like, you'd be like, this is... This is a conspiracy, yeah. This is some fucking... Yeah. Dude, honestly, Hillary probably has, like, the Da Vinci coat on her pussy, though. I didn't hear the one to solve it. Yeah.

Yeah, man. That's why I wear eyes out. To sum it up, that's why I wear eyes out. Yeah. Because of Hillary Clinton's Da Vinci Code pussy. Yeah, man.

People are always like, dude, when are you going to stop wearing it? Fucking not, dude. You might. I've been going strong for a while. Two years is nothing.

It's like two and a half years. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. You don't know what the future holds yeah dude you feel like having a girlfriend kind of like you know like i i dude i uh like i'm an emotional guy so i feel like if i had a girlfriend i'd be kind of like you know i would feel tied down a little bit of course everyone in a relationship feels tied down, but it's just the, you know, the fact that she's cool. How'd you guys meet, dude? Don't tell me some fucking stupid shit. This better be good, dude.

We were EMTs. Oh, shit. Dude. This is good. I was like EMT, saving lives. No, dude, that's good, man. Yeah, and then... Did you ever, like, save a life together?

No. Did you work together though yeah like shifts yeah occasionally holy yeah and uh then i stopped working there and then i asked her out and then she was like no and then i sent you like a little while later she's like okay now like out of the blue you know why because i took it like a champ i took the first no and i was like no problem i got shit going on even though i didn't have anything going on but you gotta you gotta make it seem like you have shit going on it's no big deal even though i was crushed how emotional was it when she said no how'd you ask her

via facebook messenger that's romantic way to that's fucked up. The most romantic way to... That's fucked up, dude. Bitches love Facebook Messenger. Really? No. No, they don't. Yeah, dude. No, I don't know. She's just as awkward as me, though.

So it's good. Yeah. It's a good thing. So you're both awkward as shit? Very awkward. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. It's kind of hot, though, dude.

Yeah. I fuck with it. Yeah. Yeah, I always ask people how they met their girlfriend and it's always like you know we were just fucking you know i met her on hinge it's like dude what a tender tell me something good man you know tell me something dude so if you're a nurse now how would you go from were you like you were like pursuing a nursing career like when you were an EMT? Yeah, sort of. Nurses make more money and we still help people, so it's better.

I didn't want to be a firefighter for some reason. Because to be honest, I was good at driving the ambulances and all that stuff, but it gave me a lot of anxiety. I'm not a good driver. I can't do this as a Yeah. I can't do this. I can't do this as a career. I can't parallel park. I can't drive fucking fire engines.

It's not smart. It's just not smart. It's not good. That would be a scary movie, man. You're like teleporting someone. It feels like a six-car pilot. The problem is I kept thinking I would get better at it. And I just never did.

I just never did. I keep thinking eventually. Dude, that'd be so funny if you like made it to the ER and then just like drove. I just killed everyone. The opposite thing that I was supposed to do. They've had angles back up into the ER. Yeah yeah he's got 10 minutes you just blasted Led Zeppelin sunglasses arm out the window similar to ambulance morphs into a thunderbird. You're just smoking a blunt. Fuck you, pussies. Dude, next week you start as a nurse.

Same hospital. Just leaving that life behind. Settling down. Dude, so how many... Do you work three days on, three days off? Dude, so like how many, how many, like do you work three days on, three days off? Well, I, three on right now and then four off. Holy, you have four days off?

Yeah. Holy shit. But I work my ass off those 12 hour days. What is it like? Really understaffed. Are a lot of people quitting? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They keep quitting. Because of what? COVID? It was COVID, and then they just never got the people back. So more and more people quit because it got busier and busier and busier. Like for COVID patients or because they didn't want to get vaccinated? First it was they didn't want to get COVID. And then as it went on, I think it's just, um, just because we never got those people back. So it just gets, keep it, it gets worse and worse and worse in terms of staffing.

So more and more people quit. Yeah. So it's like the workload really? Yeah. Yeah. So you have to work, do you have to work a whole, like 24 hours in a row? Uh, no, I'll work like 12 and then sometimes I'll do, I'll work the next day, but usually I don't work three in a row. no i'll work like 12 and then sometimes i'll do i'll work the next day but usually i don't work three in a row yeah do you work in the er like yeah i'm uh shadowing the er to work there on wednesday it's actually my birthday yeah i forgot it was my birthday how old are you turning 28 28 not good still Still youngin', dude. No. You don't like so? No. That's pretty fucking young, dude.

You stop being young, like, I don't know. I feel like 18. After 18, it's all over. Fuck, dude. Well, because then it's just a slide into, it gets worse and worse, right? I mean, if you look at it that way, yeah, I'm sure. Don't be that old guy, dude. Who's like, you fucking live and you die.

It's like the worst fucking mentality ever. You ever see those guys? You see a lot of those guys at Dunkin', dude. Well, yeah, that's because old people just stay there. They just have one. Old people like having breakfast at McDonald's, too. There's a lot of sad old men that have breakfast at McDonald's. You see that?

Yeah. I mean, dude, if I was that fucking old, though, like a walking nutsack, I wouldn't really give a shit, honestly. Like, people always think, like, old people are wiser. You know? It's like I get it to, like, a certain extent. Like, if you're, like, 60. But, dude, once you get to, like, 70, 80, like, you know, I'm not going to 80-year-olds for advice. They're just going to scream what and fucking rip ass you know i'm saying in my experience there are some like really wise old

people but and yeah there's just as many who you gotta realize that like ignorant awful people get old too yeah you know so you know they're those people but yeah some some some of them are like you know wiser than yeah but dude there's not enough like funny old people. Like, do you remember when, I don't know if you were younger and you thought about that, but like when I was younger, I was like,

dude, when I'm like 70, 80, I'm going to do like the funniest shit. Yeah. So it's a generation, you know, like there's not many comedians that you watch,

you know, from, uh, even the seventies or 60s or whatever. You're like, oh, this is really funny. It's just generational. People's humor changes. So, you know, there are some very, very funny old people.

Yeah, you're right, though. What we'll do is the idea of, like, if you're old, like, you can get away with a lot of good stuff. Like, imagine being at McDonald's, dude, and just, like, throwing your diaper at the menu like that'd be fucking hilarious yeah but then you want to have breakfast the other next day you probably can't do that you do this mcdonald's like every hundred yards eventually word would get out though yeah what are they gonna do just not allow you back yeah like every mcdonald's your picture like persona non grata i feel like it'd be worth it though yeah i guess you'd be a legend i just feel like if you're that old though you're probably not gonna remember it you're not gonna be like oh i remember when i was fucking 18 i thought this

would be funny you would forget everything but that that would be the one thing like the awful i can't go to mcdonald's anymore yeah yeah but dude uh like back to back to writing though like obviously like depression you know it's not that funny sometimes you can say like depressing shit but you don't even mean it you know yeah and uh but i was just wondering like um like over the years, how has your writing evolved? Well, how has it evolved? Well, it's definitely a lot less edgelordy. Like Civil War reenactment type shit? Yeah, all my jokes are about Civil War reenactments now. Yeah.

A solid 20 on Confederacy. It's less edgelordy. It's just better. Definitely more consistent. It's gotten a lot tighter. Yeah. I just, I don't sit down and write. I just try to think of things

and then I'm like Oh this is funny Yeah yeah I do it that way Everyone has their own system Yeah I feel that It works for You know

Somebody but Yeah usually the depressing shit That you think is funny You know other people are like Oh that's not Yeah yeah I've noticed that when I drink Like

I went a while without drinking And then I started It started to hit me I was like Like the depressing stuff really isn't like funny yeah well yeah it's it's i i find it funny yeah yeah like uh i went there's a comic who tried to kill himself right and like some of the one of the funniest days i've had recently it's just me and then five other comedians went to visit him he's just making suicide jokes the entire time and then there's like other people who try to kill themselves like in the same room yeah as he just i mean and it was funny it was a real

dark weird it was hilarious we're all laughing at this guy who tried to kill himself hilarious we're all laughing at this guy who tried to kill himself making suicide jokes you know and i'm sure they didn't find it funny yeah we found it hilarious i feel like it has to be in the moment too yeah because that's just like a general idea like you know like there's there's a bunch of ways to kill yourself but like the creativity that goes into it ways to kill yourself but like the creativity that goes into it is usually what hits the uh the nail on the head yeah i mean you know it's it's it's a lot of the same the same stuff usually people don't kill themselves in very interesting ways i think when you get to that point you're not very creative really i feel like dude if i if i wanted to do it i'd go out with a solid bang like i'd probably write i'd probably have a good plan in place you'd have to write it when you're

not depressed though when you're still creative yeah I feel like I would want it to be funny like either way just so like I could be handed down for generations you know what I mean yeah dude I used to like I remember in high school I used to I mean, dude, I would have a plan to, like, I wanted to, like, go up on my mom's roof and, like, tape my head to my gooch and then just, like, roll off onto her car. Like, that would be fucking, like, if they wrote that in the Valley Breeze or something like that. You'd have to be so flexible. You'd have to train for that. Oh, you, dude, I would die. Well, no, like, you would die. Well, no.

You wouldn't be able to reach. How the fuck can you even reach that? I can't do it. You'd have to train for months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's hard work to tape your head to your goat. Yeah, like, I'd have to see, like, a few contortionists, but... You'd have to do the Marilyn Manson thing,

where you remove your own rib. That's true, yeah. Still be funny, you remove your own rib it's true yeah still be funny though i pulled it off it'd be even more funny because it'd be impressive imagine if like you were my neighbor dude you're like walking your dog so that's why i had that trapeze bar yeah but yeah dude um i don't have anything else man i think we covered a lot of topics yeah also shout out to you for giving me an energy drink dude i got those from the bargain outlets man you can buy like 24 for like five bucks really yeah that's probably a fucking cat piss dude tastes good no man dude hit up the bargain outlets man i'm telling you dude i think it's in wood socket so like

you're making a sacrifice but that's what sacrifices are for dude you know but james i'm glad we had this talk man i appreciate you for coming all this way dude yeah uh dude i wish you the i mean dude if you guys want to see james he's going to be opening for mark norman what date oh september 23rd through the 25th they're all sold out so tough luck yeah dude well fucking you're gonna crush it dude i believe in you man thank you no but seriously thanks for coming man good to be here have a wonderful evening america