The Johnny Salami Podcast - Comedian Rob Pierce

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

Rob Pierce is a comedian from Rhode Island who has opened for comedians such as Norm Macdonald, Dave Attell, and Robert Kelly.

My lord Thanks for not ghosting me, dude. That meant a lot. I thought about it a lot. Yeah, yeah. I figured, like, I was like, it's going to cross his mind, but... You're the only one I would come out this early for. Really?

Yeah. Are you a morning guy or no? No, not at all. Really? Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. This is torture right now. Really?

And I only had one cup of coffee. Damn, dude. Dude, the mornings are like... They're good for me, man. I figured you were up at like, what, four? I already got two workouts in. When you said I already got Starbucks, I was like, fuck you. What do you mean you already did?

Yeah, dude. You've been up for a while. Yeah, I got up at seven, dude. And this is every morning? Usually I go at five. Dude, just. For fun? Just a lifestyle, man. You know know just seeing that sunset dude that'll get me going yeah that's your thing you have to see it rise before you before i'm a

big morning guy i always have been dude really i like the smell of the uh like the moss on the grass and shit dude i like the fact that nobody's up like that's that's the big one like nobody's up so don't have to worry about traffic or anything oh i have so much control everyone's just snoozing i just feel powerful dude i feel i feel dangerous dude don't you you could dream that too you know yeah i feel like i'm in like a lifetime movie dude like the first scene yeah you know i'm saying just driving down the highway right after you murdered something bad happens like somebody side swipes me that's how the movie starts that's how i feel and then you learn to walk again yeah dude something about this setup man it doesn't i haven't found the missing piece yet but you think it's lacking something i'm impressed i'm like any any podcast i've ever done before

has just been... Like Kitchen? Yeah. Yeah. Just sitting at a table. That's what I'm shooting for, dude. Yeah. This actually has production value. Yeah. Well, like a table and chairs, that's more of like an intelligent...

Yeah, no, we're just shooting the shit. Yeah, we're just talking about like farts and balls and stuff. So finding like the right setup for that. You have a McLovin flag behind behind you i don't think we're gonna get too highbrow here i don't know man i feel like i really like set the vibe up you know i just want people to know when they come like listen this is like not serious at all right you're talking to a child yeah yeah like you're not gonna learn anything from this i'd rather do that yeah i don't want to get too deep yeah Yeah. I mean, dude, the week itself is like super serious.

So I just need one day to like. This is the break. This is my break, dude. This is, you know. Well, you're up at five every day. You seem like you would. I'm here because I haven't figured you out. Really?

Yeah. Wow. That's the only reason why I agreed to this. Oh, like a hard read? I just, I love you. Yeah. And I find you so interesting. But I have yet to figure you out.

Yeah, dude. So I think I was, I think this was more for me than it is for you. Oh, wow. So this is like a, wow. Yeah. This is like a big day for you, dude. This is huge. Yeah.

And I don't know if, I mean, I think our friendship will continue. Yeah. I don't know if I'll learn anything. But I'm here. I'm open to anything. Dude, now that you said that like i'm just gonna make it even like more confusing yeah good oh man you're not the only one dude i love it though i tell everybody how funny you are and i remember yeah no you took

the class right at the comedy connection no you didn't you just you just came out i went balls deep dude i went up there dude and started fucking slaying, dude. Doing your fucking... Just confusing people right away, dude. Right off the bat. With your Izod? Yeah. Yeah.

I wasn't wearing Izod back then. I was wearing, like, Target brand, but Izod came around, like, two years ago once I found out about that. Dude. My life changed. Production value, right? You're investing in it. You're doing things.

Yeah. I mean, dude, if this ever gets over, like, 30 views, like... What's your following? Like a few million. No shit. And this is all you can do? We'll see, dude. Hopefully they sponsor me one day.

Yeah? Who you looking for? Izod? I mean, Izod's kind of shitty, dude. Like, they sponsor Aaron Rodgers, but I don't see my boy A-Dog putting up anything. No. You know? I think it was old, like, back in the day.

Yeah, now he's all, like, disheveled looking. Yeah, dude. He's bigger than that. I think you could slide right in there. I mean, dude, I think I'm honestly good enough for Izod. Like, I don't think they're doing too well. No, dude. You're the hero they need.

Everyone talks shit about them. Dude, I'll fucking... It is kind of like a joke brand. For sure, dude. Yeah. You got Polo. You got Dockers. Nobody takes Izod seriously.

Nobody, dude. I could turn that around, dude. I think you can, dude. Yeah. Just fucking put up like a promo video of me in like a big and tall Izod. I'm like carrying haystacks in a field. Yep. Fucking raging boner.

Dude. You have to throw a fart in there. Yeah. That'll be the last scene. Izod. Comfortable. that would be it dude honestly man like no jokes like dude no i mean that's the dream right future aspiration of mine dude they gave me the call bro hey this is izod this is isaac izod really love what you're doing out there yeah dude I mean yeah most uh

well I mean like when you see me on stage like that must be confusing you know for everyone but like oh that's my favorite because then I watch everybody else's reaction cause they're laughing but they're also like what is happening right now yeah but dude I don't know man you know

i feel like i have like a small circle of people i talk to so yeah definitely a hard read but once you get to know me yeah you're kind of like all right this makes sense now yeah you never you've never been like a dick and i don't think you're doing a character which is even more intriguing i think this is generally like just you and it's a it's a great thing yeah man that's that's definitely the most confusing part for me it's like when like older dudes are like dude like who are you and i'm like dude i just showed you like that's me man i didn't hide anything that's me bro this is all i think people are just afraid to accept it you know i'm saying well yeah people people can't accept things they don't understand yeah but like i mean like you see like uh you probably see a lot of comics though who

like have a character yeah right i find that so annoying yeah just just be who you are yeah unless the character is you know like unless you're doing kind of like uh you know a deadpan type of person or yeah or what have you but i don't know man it's easy to tell though like you can oh you spot it right away yeah you can tell when someone's doing shtick up there yeah looks like they're taking a shit dude yeah big old shit on my little shitter dude can't believe you're not a morning person though dude wait if i don't have my kids uh even when i have my kids yeah i don't give a shit i'm tired yeah I keep a lot of hours though do you go to sleep early?

you do comedy how do you no dude I'm in bed late but six hours dude if I sleep more than six hours that's average

six hours for you if I sleep more than six hours I'll actually get more tired really I don't know if that makes sense no I understand because well

you're getting deeper into REM sleep so are you depriving yourself of like rem sleep all the time well dude uh even like people who are depressed like they'll sleep a shit ton yeah and they'll get more tired i think that's what i'm doing that's what that's what i used to be like dude i sleep like 10 hours wake up for like an hour and then just go back to bed and take a nap yeah take a shit and then a nap dude gotta get it out but dude honestly like the the morning though like taking a shit in the morning like a morning shit like i don't know if there's anything better than that when no one else is

around the sun's coming up anyone's around you just let it go yeah just the fact that it's in the morning like dude even just having a coffee in the morning you know like shooting the shit with somebody do you have to have a coffee to shit or can you work one out? I mean, I think it's like natural for me, but the coffee definitely helps. Yeah. Now you're on that schedule. Oh, 100%. Are you regular?

Is that how it works out? I'm a regular dude. Always like. Always popping off. Your morning is like set. You wake up at five, scratch your your balls fart a little bit yep coffee then shit uh pre-workout oh god damn pre-workout gym coffee breakfast just beef just eating beef dude yeah dumps all morning dude work and then comedy dude so yeah i'm just living the dream man you're a machine how about you like what

time are you waking up oh man on a day with kids 6 a.m 6 a.m but i'll lay there till 7 we need breakfast when you're laying there are you like you like sleeping and then waking up i'm a huge uh tapping the snooze button guy yeah yeah yeah i love it i love that tease of like oh you're about to drift off and then that chime comes in yeah i was just talking about this uh this girl i'm talking to she was talking about uh when you like uh jerk off and like right before you're about to come you just stop just like uh yeah yeah yeah i forgot what she called it but yeah she was telling you about that? Yeah. I'm glad you didn't bring it up.

You're like, I don't know what you're talking about. I knew the. Oh, that's interesting. I knew the concept behind it. Yeah. But I didn't know the terminology. Oh, man. The big T's. Yeah, dude.

But. That's her thing? Is that her fetish? I love it when I get it. I didn't ask that question, but. Yeah. I mean, she's probably listening right now, so we could just. What's her name? I don't know if I should say it dude she's listening give her a full name like somewhere out there she just like you know smiled a little bit

oh he's thinking of me no she'd be like take it down stop don't give out my secrets but yeah that's what that reminds me of dude when you hit that because like you're going like you know that moment where you like hit the snooze button and then you fall asleep and then you wake up again and you're like all right i got a little more time but then you wake up and you're like all right now i'm running late yeah oh yeah even that that's such a big thing for me where i'm like oh i can get i can squeeze five more minutes i don't have to be there till nine i i I was doing that today. I thought I was going to be late.

Wow. I set my alarm for 7.30. 7.30 came around, snooze button. Damn. 7.45, snooze button. I mean, dude, that's... And then I was like, I should just tell him I can't come. Yeah.

And I was like, I can't do that to him. Dude, that would have torn me apart. Really? Yeah, dude. I don't know if I would have looked at you the same. You would have been mad. No, I can't do that to him. That would have, dude, that would have torn me apart. Really? Yeah, dude, like, I don't know if I would have looked at you the same. You would have been mad. No, I don't really get mad. Yeah.

And when I do get mad, like, it's, like, bad. I, see, that's. It happens, like, once every ten years. Yeah. I see it in your eyes. Oh, yeah. I see if that turn happens, it's, I wouldn't want to be around it. Oh, I mean, it's not that bad, but afterwards.

I don't know, man. Dude, after I get mad, I get mad i get so sad i'm like so upset with myself i'm like dude you shouldn't have you know shouldn't have acted that way i shouldn't have done that dude that's like shouldn't punch those holes in the wall you fucking know i don't know man well people always think i'm angry but i'm just like in my head dude it's just like farts balls mashed potatoes and they're like wow this gets pissed you know what i'm saying dude it's just like farts balls mashed potatoes and they're like wow this gets pissed you know what i'm saying dude he's he's gonna flip but i can't like explain it you know i can't just be like no no no like it's just no there's nothing up there i swear i'm just farting in my head

yeah but dude i'd never get mad man like maybe once every 10 years really yeah dude i because i hate angry people dude do people tell you that you look pissed all the time? All the time, dude. I'll walk into a Dave's Marketplace, dude. They'll shut it down, bro. Oh, shit, he's back. Yeah. I don't know.

I think it's more like they think I'm sad more than mad. Really? For sure. No, I never got. I honestly got angry all the time. Either or. Yeah. And you're very pushy in your in

your messages so i definitely thought like oh this all right i probably thought you were gonna bail dude so i was probably upset and like hard 9 a.m you were like insistent on 9 a.m dude i've been blown off so many times there's been like two month breaks in this podcast that have just blown my dick off just regular people anybody yeah you know it's funny to me uh how so many comics are like i need i need spots i need this that and the other and then how like no issues whatsoever will just bail on a gig last minute. Yeah. You know? Sure. Like you set something up like weeks in advance and then like, Oh yeah,

no, something came up. Can't do it. Dude. I don't know. I can't even imagine what they're doing either. Like, I wonder what came up.

Another show. You think so? Or, or, or it's like, yeah, I don't even want to do this anymore. I think,

honestly, I, they just don't want to do it. Yeah. I think it's that moment where they're like, you know what? I'd rather just, you know,

I'd rather just not, I don't even want to do this. Yeah. I have that moment where they're like you know what i'd rather just you know i'd rather just not i don't even want to do this yeah i have that all the time but i still show up yeah stupidly i've noticed when you actually go like even just showing up is like the biggest thing the hardest thing hardest thing but it pays dividends dude but yeah dude i've been there's been like two month breaks in this podcast that have just dude i'm just jumping up and down on my bed naked dude just listening to cheryl crow at 9 a.m just a single tear will go down my eye dude and like i just don't know what to do anymore bro what's your what's your cheryl crow jam because i am i love cheryl crow really yeah if you're trying to do a bit right now you'd pick the wrong guy uh no dude if it makes you

happy is hands down number one dude yep um honestly number two is i don't know dude that i used to listen to that at my uh yeah when i uh my babysitter used to play that yeah it would be on like 92 pro fm all day every day so it's like i just have mixed feelings about it you know what i'm saying like dude if i'm eating like frosty pebbles to that song at the age of, like, fucking eight, that's going to stick with me for a while, you know? But if it makes you happy, dude, like, it's so true, dude. Like, if it makes you happy, like, it can't be that bad. Yeah, but why the hell are you so sad?

Exactly, dude. It just makes so much sense, dude. Like, that has to be number one. I can just see you, like, eating the cereal, too,'s pouring out of your mouth when the realization comes. Just 300 pounds. Sheryl Crow fucks, dude. Dude, I saw her live. She put on a great show.

How old is she right now? Like 40? 80. 80 years old. She looks 40, though. Still looks good. It's all about the soul, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. If she asked me out, dude, even if I didn't know Sheryl Crow, I'd probably say yeah. Even if you remotely look like Sheryl Crow, I'll date you. She told me she's Sheryl Crow. It's not Sheryl Crow. I'm like, dude, I'm dating Sheryl Crow. Sing me a song. I can't sing.

That's all right. Her and, well, Sheryl Crow's older. Avril Lavigne is still, she's got some bangers, dude. I was never a fan. Really? Yeah, dude. I was never a fan really yeah dude I was like hardcore punk really fucking poser

I was a hardcore punk listening to Sheryl Crow you kickflip dude like were you like a skater skater no always wore the shoes never could skate fuck dude

yeah I was a poser I mean that would be kind of funny I'm wearing skate shoes now yeah I can't fucking skate so if you hopped on a skateboard

right now you just fucking eat a dick I eat so much shit right now. That'd be hilarious, dude. Yeah. Especially if there was like hardcore punk rock in the back. And I would have to, if you presented a board to me, I'd have to do it. Oh, dude.

Because I can't be like, nah, man, I can't show up. I would have to. I would break a bone. And then I'd be like, oh, man, it's been a while, dude. I'm a little rusty. My fucking leg goes behind my back. I'm like, oh, man, give me another try. I'll get it.

It's been so long. How many people would be watching? Oh, so many. I would make you get your roommates, your neighbors, just to be like, oh, you don't think I can? Get everybody around here. I'll do it. I'll do it right now. You get a crowd, I'll fucking kickflip right now.

Yeah. What would the injury be, like, specifically, though? Oh, dude. Slip a disc? At my age now, I think just the fucking knee would give out. And with my luck, I would get the board up, but I wouldn't get off the ground, and I'd just fucking right into the taint.

Oh, that would be, dude, that'd be so worth it. But I think the biggest pain would be to my ego. Oh yeah, for sure. I mean,

dude, I would respect you for like just taking a chance. Yeah. If you bailed, I, you know, that would affect our relationship. Right.

You were like, I can't do this. I'd look like a bitch. Like that, that moment where you walked to your car would remember that forever everyone watching everyone watching would be like this kid's a fucking imbecile dude just gets right in his suit dude if you hopped on a skateboard fucking tore your acl dude you went out like a Dude, you'd be handed down for generations. You're like, dude, you have my respect.

Dude, I fucked up my knee. I know, but I respect you so much. Dude, I don't even think I have health insurance right now. No, why not? We're in Massachusetts. I'm 26. So what? What are you talking about?

I think when you turn 26, I'm on my mom's plan now, so I got to figure something out before. Yeah, dude, get Mass House Like Well I'm on my mom's plan now So I gotta I gotta figure something out before Yeah dude get Mass House Cause I'm going like 80 On the highway every day dude And every day I just think about Dude if I hit a wall

Going 80 Yeah I'd probably walk out Not even a scratch I think Your regimen of working out Would definitely deter Any sort of car accident

Yeah Imagine saying that To like a Fucking state You could cause an accident or any sort of car accident. Yeah. Imagine saying that to like a fucking Stady. You could cause an accident. Yeah, I think I'd be fine though. Shouldn't worry about me. You should worry about all these other people.

The Stady was like, what happened? I was like, I was going 80. Hit a wall and just hopped out. Like imagine his face reaction. Whoa. I'm just like like just some fucking you got any dirt you got any dirt you'd be fucking oh man you should go check on that probably recruit me dude yeah but fuck that man you think you could ever be a cop no really i don't like

confrontation yeah me neither dude i probably laugh too honestly yeah just pop off dude if you went to a domestic dispute they're just going at it and just sit there and watch and giggle yeah that i mean that might be like a reason to be a cop yeah just to see that take place just go then you're never bored i think she's bringing up good points too i think you're being a dick right now you're like the facilitator yeah yeah you try to just let's talk about it let's get it out well dude i don't like confrontation but like i would also just think about random shit all the time like me with a gun dude fuck now dude yeah just looking in down the barrel yeah i remember when i was younger dude paintball was a big thing yeah dude we went to this uh we went to this paintball place. Dude, it looked like a fucking house.

It looked like some guy was just like, yeah, my wife gets home at 6. Have at it? Yeah. But, dude, me and my buddy. I love when kids come over, man. Oh, yeah. Do some guns. Get a house. They turned it into a paintball place.

Just put a shitty sign out. It was like a trash bag with spray paint. Just said paintball on it, dude. But me and my buddy were like trying to get into it because like that was the thing dude yeah anything with guns dude dude we shot up the bathroom there really yeah it was like off limits we thought people were in there and we're like oh dude just pop the door open just don't stop shooting so dude we pop the door the lights were off so dude we're just shooting off

as many rounds as possible turn the lights on it's just a bathroom yeah it's like a pollock painting imagine taking a shit and getting shot like imagine taking a dump and two kids one who's 300 pounds and the other who's asian come in and just start popping off imagine imagine how confused you'd be yeah you'd just be like this is my most vulnerable spot who are these little fucks

shooting me with paintballs right now be a good story for the you know the barbecue though yeah how'd you get all these welts yeah people are talking about weather

you're like dude I got a story for you guys I got a story for you you ever take a shit while you're getting shot by a paintball i can't shit regular anymore man well dude when you uh i mean you're not old obviously you're still younger but like how old do you think i am 30s yep i mean i've known you for a while, dude. Yeah. So. I'm 36. Yeah, so you're like Alan's age. Alan, which one? Alan Moreau.

He's 36? I think so, yeah. Really? I thought he was younger. Well, like him, Tilson, they're all the same age, right? Tilson, yeah. Well, no, I thought Tilson was like 28, but he looks 50. Yeah, Tilson looks like. Does he listen?

Huh? Does he listen? To this podcast to this podcast yeah no he's been on though has he yeah how was he dude tilson's my boy dude tilson's great he definitely thinks i'm disabled but i think that's why he came on he's just trying to be helpful yeah he definitely felt bad but yeah the fact that he followed through dude that's my boy again whenever i see him i'm like that's my boy t-dog right there yeah and he's just like hey hey i gotta go over here for this thing he's good seeing you though he's like i don't fucking know that kid but yeah he came on dude but when you uh i mean once you hit 30 and stuff like how do you deal with those like weather conversations and stuff oh dude i

i don't associate with anybody. If you're not my children and you're not at a place that I have to be, I'm a hermit. I don't fuck with nobody. You don't fuck with no hoes? Nope. I feel that, dude. Nope.

Leave me alone. As I'm getting older, it's getting worse, too. I don't want to talk to anybody. Don't give me your fucking bullshit, you know, we just have to say something to say something type conversations all set i love that dude yeah leave me alone i feel that took the words right out of my mouth dude yeah yeah what about like after shows though people are like oh my god rob you were so fucking funny i'll hide really yeah it makes me uncomfortable

except that you know you know it's different for me. You have to hide because of the things you just said? Nobody's going to want to talk to me. People are just like, hey, I'm a doctor, and I'd love to set up a consultation with you. Dude, the amount of families that have been like, you made me so uncomfortable. Yeah, at shows or just your family in general? I remember the Comedy Connection once.

You know how they have the tables there? Oh, yeah. There was an entire family, and they were like, you made us feel so uncomfortable. You rocked our very foundation. I like, dude, that made my night. Yeah. I think that's a win. Yeah.

That kept me going, dude. Fuck laughs. Yeah. You made a whole family breakdown. I think that's so much better yeah but when uh so when people after shows are like dude like you're so fucking funny man like you have a you know you have a business card or something you're just like fuck you nah dude you just fart and walk away you just leave them with the fart i mean yeah i can't even you know can't argue with that dude no yeah i think that

even cements it more it's like oh my god who is this unicorn that we just met tonight it's one of a kind yeah who's that fucking yeah whoa yeah you think people farted and walked away yeah that's you got some really good points man yeah like i don't even have a rebuttal i think everybody if we were in a debate right now i would just leave yeah i'd be like dude he won like sorry yeah didn't mean to shut you down yeah i think that's so much everyone's always trying to like uh you know get their name out there here's my content everything you know we're we're giving too much of ourselves away i like the mystery people who was that person

i don't know man he made us uncomfortable and i can't find him he's gone yeah did we even watch that was that person real wow that's what i like about comedy i think i'm hard right now yeah get it do you get hard on stage um have you ever chubbed up a little bit have you has like a new joke worked and you're like um honestly dude like i get chubbed up when uh i just see confused faces yeah that's that gets me going that's your thing dude i'll shoot a fucking rope oh you still shoot rope 100 i'll tell you as a 36 year old man no no it no. No? It's gone. It's gone? Yeah. Like the velocity or just like nothing comes out? Oh, no, no, no.

Just, yeah, just the velocity. Just the velocity, yeah. I mean, it's still, it just, it pulls up. Okay. But, man. Yeah. Do you think it's like your health or do you think it's like an emotional thing? Probably. It might just be an emotional thing.

Yeah. You just got to find what gets you going, dude. It's so hard at this age. Yeah. Honestly, dude, I watch, like, if you really want to shoot a rope, dude, you got to watch the acting. You got to follow the story. You got to follow the story. Ah, okay, because then you get invested in what's happening.

Yeah, dude, it takes so much longer, but just the lead up to it, yeah. Yeah. Dude, you won't even come when they're having sex. You come at the credits. Yeah, like when her stepdad walks in, that's when you won't even come when they're having sex you come at the credits yeah like when her stepdad walks in that's when you're gonna come oh shit he's like did you do your homework you're just like dude you're popping off did you do your homework just finished that's a good girl oh gross yeah i mean you're gonna feel terrible about yourself but yeah i think everybody does, right?

I mean, from my research, that's what I've. That's what you found. I do extensive research. I like how you call masturbating research. Yeah. I mean, dude, I'm an expert, but. Yeah. Don't tell anyone, dude.

I think you just told the 30 listeners. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I'm not even kidding, dude. If you watch the, if there's a good storyline. I'm not going to lie, dude, the storylines could get a lot better. It's always the same stuff, but.

Maybe that's my problem because I'm all about the compilation videos. Oh, wow. Just give me the goods right off the bat. Compilation, like cumshot compilations. Whatever. What type of compilation? Gap videos. Gay?

No, gape. Oh, I was like, dude. I'll do gay. I'm not into this shit, man. Dude, even if. I'm trying to find anything. You know what would probably Gape videos. Gay? No, gape. Oh, I was like, dude. I'll do gay. I'm not, I don't give a shit, man. Dude, even if- I'm trying to find anything. You know what would probably get you going, dude? Yeah.

Is putting on a, like a gay cumshot compilation. Yeah. And when that doesn't work, going from that to like hetero, that might just- Oh my God. It's a newfound appreciation for what's happening. Yeah. Just like 15 minutes of just like two dudes just at the same time just glazing each other popping off dude and you're like you know what this isn't for me

i think if i watched two guys do it it would it would just upset me more that i can't shoot rope wow yeah i think i'd be more impressed and i wouldn't like it wouldn't turn me on but i'd want to sit those fellas down and be like, what's your diet? Like what's your workout schedule? Like how do you do what you do? Yeah. I would also want to know what type of what type of supplements are taking. Right.

You know, if there's like some sort of like performance enhancer involved. Is this just fish oil or do you have some PDE's? Is this just beet juice or like are we talking like scientific shit? You see beet juice? Beet juice. Yeah, dude. Dude, I don't fuck with that because the kidney stones dude isn't beet juice like wicked good for you it's supposed to be good for

you man but i heard i read one i wouldn't say article i said i would read i read the the title of the article yeah it said beet juice causes kidney stones i said never again did you like validate the article nah dude it was presented to me i said i said i can't trust those hoes anything with kidney stones man i don't want to with that yeah that sounds so painful i mean dude it's a vegetable a lot of vegetables are vegetables you know almost all vegetables are vegetables yeah all i'm saying dude is if you have some beet juice dude you're gonna get a fucking powerful dick thing dude really yeah dude chug beet juice wait a few hours dude dude you'll be you'll be fucking telephone poles dude yeah if you can't find anything dude you'll

be in the middle of i-95 dude showing off your stick bro yeah exit next exit right here telling you dude make some time dude just chug some beet juice that's it you don't even eat the beets just the juice set up some gay porn yeah on like a projector or something be patient dude like it'll come to you then dude then afterwards you should put it on facebook yeah long post It's like a long post. Be like, hey, I know no one's going to read this. Hey. But if you do, I appreciate you. That'll really grab people's attention. Hey, relatives that follow me on Facebook.

Yeah. Do I have a tail for you? Put that shit on your LinkedIn, dude. Yeah, dude. Actively seeking employment. I shoot rope. That way it gets a lot of engagement. Yeah.

Yeah. What's your biggest qualifications? Well, I shoot rope, dude. You really got to break a lot of engagement. Yeah. Yeah. What's your biggest qualifications? Well, I shoot rope, dude. You really got to break it down though, dude. Yeah. What's your secret? Beet juice. Have you ever seen, you ever seen Brokeback Mountain?

Never. Really? Is it good? That was when I was like, all right, I guess I'm not gay. Oh, you were like, no, I'm not into this at all. Yeah. People, people were hyping it up. They were talking, they were talking to Strong Game about it.

Cause, uh, I, the movie is like, from what I remember, it's just two dudes hanging out. Just two cowboys finding each other. Two dudes hanging out, no homo. And then one scene is just them banging in a tent. Really? Yeah, dude.

And I watched the whole scene, and I was just like, I wish I was hard right now, but it just didn't happen, man. But it wasn't the story that got you? I thought you were story-driven. It was all right. Not, like, fucking intense?

Well, that's what I'm saying, dude. It's like, I think, you know, I would love to just be, like, gay, like 10% at least, but I don't know, man. The physical... I think everyone's a little... At least 10%. At least 10%.

If you touch your dick often enough, like you say you do. Yeah. I mean, you like dick. Yeah. I mean, someone told me today, dude, like if you don't cum, it's not gay. Really? Yeah. The Starbucks person told you that today?

Yeah. When I was getting my coffee. You were the only one in the store? Yeah. She didn't even ask me how I was. She just said that straight up. Yeah. I was like.

You put your order in and she just went right into it i think she was a time traveler dude she knew me from another dimension yeah and that was it you believe in time travel um no i think i believe in like uh like other dimensions though for sure really yeah like i think in another dimension right now something else is going down between us maybe not even we're broke back mountain right yeah dude maybe like well i think another dimension would be time travel okay you know what i'm saying yeah i mean that is kind of crazy how like one decision dude could change your life forever dude like imagine if we met dude and i just said something wicked the fucking mean to you i was like fuck you dude

eat my dick and you were like i'm never talking to this but fucking mean to you. I was like, fuck you, dude. Eat my dick. And you were like, I'm never talking to this kid again. Dude. Fuck. Or if I was like, yo, we should all get pictures and I'll put it on my Facebook and then like,

I'll fucking tag it. Book me. Yeah. You'd be like, I'm never talking to this fucking kid again. Done. Yeah. And then none of this would be happening.

Exactly. I'd probably be a morning person and you would be the fucking lazy guy. Yeah, dude. You'd be, fuck, you'd be on a run, dude,

at like six 30 this morning. Sucking down beet juice. juice hard as a rock you already had like at least a gallon yeah you know dude you wouldn't even be in the juice dude you'd be in the beets right from the ground raw you'd have a fucking beet farm in your backyard yeah dude you eat the beets and then you beat off i like this life more than the one i have now. Yeah. Yeah. I'd rather be doing that. I mean, dude, honestly, if you had a fucking farm. Yeah. That'd be neat. What's better than that?

Isn't that the American dream? To have a farm? Well, me and my buddy talk about this a lot, like just having a farm and living a simple life. But it wouldn't really be a simple life. Like farming is pretty fucking hard, dude. It's super hard. Yeah. The amount of cows I would probably fucking kill.

Yeah. Just from being lazy. Yep. Just neglect. Just neglect. It's super hard. Yeah. The amount of cows I would probably fucking kill. Yeah. Just from being lazy. Yep. Just neglect. That thing's fucked. Yeah. This thing looks hungry, but I can't stop looking at them udders. I wouldn't even know how to sell a cow, dude.

You want this? Just go to like a stop and shop. Be like, you guys got a butcher here? Cut them up. What do you want for this? I don't know, man. You got any beet juice? Yeah.

Just be like cash only cash is king cash is king dude it's going away though just like strapped down to like my honda accord do you get nervous about that what just technology advancing and cash is going to be obsolete and everyone's just going to have like a a fucking scanner on their wrist that they uh that's your debit card now i don't get uh i mean i don't get nervous about it because uh like i think about well my mom's old so i'll talk about it like with her yeah like she fucking she'll just yell what for no reason dude what yeah so even like when she was younger she'll tell me stories and i'll be like wow dude that's so different wow that's so old yeah so even like when she was younger she'll tell me stories and i'll be like wow dude that's

so different wow that's so old yeah so like i know that when i get old i'm gonna be doing the same thing yeah just a matter of like how extreme it's gonna be i hope it doesn't get too extreme you know like i hope we don't have like robots you know jerking us off and shit you don't want that i don't know man i wouldn't want to get if it's like a robot with like an actual like hand you like skin to skin contact you don't want that clammy i fucking yeah dude i i'm all for intimacy and i feel like robots would just completely eliminate that they take all all the love out of it yeah man even just like even the hangout dude you know like when you have that conversation with a comic yeah and like you don't even know what you're saying,

but you get that tingly feeling inside. Yeah. With robots, dude, that wouldn't even be there. You're like, oh my god, I'm making this connection. And then it's just the fucking steel, a laser eye, nothing. No void of any sort of personality. I don't think in my lifetime or our lifetime,

I don't think there's going to be like legitimate human robots. Right. For sure, without a doubt, they have them right now. They're creepy. Yeah. You're talking about the sex dolls, right? Yeah. We're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, what else are we talking about? Exactly. Well, dude, for sure, dude, I can't even imagine what the government fucking fucks with. They probably have like human clones and shit. Yeah, that they just have sex with. But as far as, like, the public, dude, I can't see, like, a robot. But I could see, like, robotics as far as, like, producing stuff. Yeah.

Like, making food and stuff like that. I thought we peaked when they did the little dog robots. I was like, oh, this is it. This is perfect. Yeah. We don't have to go any further. And then someone was like, I want to put my dick in that thing. Yeah.

And they just kept building and building. Yeah. I mean, dude, if you build it, they'll come. Literally. Yeah. Ropes. They'll come all over that shit. Come all over them robots.

I don't know, man. I think you probably have a bunch of Fucking scientists Who are super smart And they're like Alright let's You know Let's think about this Let's stop fucking around here And then there's like

That one dude Who got like bullied In high school And he's like No dude I'm fucking the shit up dude He's just Every day he's thinking about

Like that one kid That fucking fucked with him Yeah And he's just taking it out On society Yep Which makes sense But like

You gotta stop him Dude everyone's Villain story Yeah he'll have that One moment dude Where like he makes A robot that like Fucking Like an RPG missile, just shoots out of his dick and blows up a fucking barn. Do you think that's how it starts?

They're developing a good handjob robot, and he's like, ooh, I like the grip on this. And he's like, this could break bones. Yeah. I can see some dude who's like 50 at least, dude. Yeah. Scientist, like all these credentials, dude. His wife's cheating on him. He just goes home, shuts off all the lights, goes into like this underground fucking portally

built. And there she is, dude. Yeah. That robot. And she's got like suction cups for tits. Oh my God. But they're like realistic. Yeah.

And, like, milk comes out. Like, if you want milk to come out, like, you can say, fucking let it rip. And then milk just comes out, dude. Let it rip? Yeah. There's, like, a code word for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But end of the night, dude, he's getting cranked off by that robot.

Of course. And he gets to choose which hand, too. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you created it. Yeah. It's his own creation. Yeah. I don't think it'll go public, it's just like that's that fucking mentality where like dude

i'm a scientist i can do whatever i want yeah that power but honestly dude i don't know if you've seen any lifetime movies but i hope there's that moment where like it just gets too far yeah you know it's like that last scene in a movie where, like, the bad guy's like, wow, dude, I really fucked up. Whoa. Boy, did I overreact. Yeah. You think that would be the scientist? Yeah, for sure.

When he's just dried out. I think. And the robot's still trying to get something out of him. He's probably going to have this crazy fucking idea that's not going to work. Yeah. That's, like, against all humanity. He's going to fuck something up and then be like all right oh man single tear yeah let it he has all those flashbacks to like high school yeah that one

kid who like punched him in the dick and then walking in on his wife cheating on him but then he remembers like the happier times dude it wasn't even like another guy from like a gym. It was like Greg from accounting. Dude, I'm a fucking scientist and you sleep with the accountant in my office? And her reasoning is like wicked fucking wild. Yeah. She's like, you didn't buy me flowers on Wednesday. Yeah. And you're just like, fuck.

I didn't even like Greg. He was just there. Yeah. Because you didn't get me flowers. Wow, dude, that would really fuck fuck why are we not writing this i think we have a book idea in the making right now no dude books are dead prince dead dude no fucking way dude what are you talking about man no i think no you can definitely sell if you have a publisher you could probably sell some good shit yeah i think if you don't have a book.

Anybody read, though? Well, dude, anyone can make a book. Anybody? If you put it on Amazon. There's too many books that nobody's reading. Yeah, for sure. I don't know how it works, man. I think it's pretty hard to get a publisher, though.

But I think if you do get a publisher, like... If any publishers are listening, we have a great story idea. Oh, dude, I read a... I'm not a big reader, dude, but when I was super depressed, I read that book by David Goggins, dude. Oh, you can't hurt me? Dude, I can't even imagine how many books he sold.

At least like 100. That book's got some real shit in it, dude. That guy's intense. That's a morning person. I read that book, and I was like, I'll probably read like 10 pages dude i read the whole thing in a day really yeah it was just grabbed you like and nothing else dude really yeah it was insane is that why you wake up so early or you already did oh dude no joke

100 that's why 100 do, holy shit. He's frightening. In a good way. Well, just the shit he says. Yeah. Like the shit you were saying earlier about people saying shit that doesn't matter. Yeah. He talks about that all the time. And it's just like, I don't know, man.

It just hits me. I find him funny, too. Because it's, you know, like, you get those self-help people. Oh, yeah. You know, they have all these kind things to say, and he's like, shut the fuck up and get to work. And you're like, oh, my God. Yeah. All right.

Well, yeah. I mean, all those other people are just, like, motivation. Yeah. They have to, like, rub your back to get you to, oh, hey, come on. We can do this. And he's like, don't be a fucking pussy. Let's go. Oh, yeah.

Dude, there's a YouTube video. And people are going to listen to this and be like, this kid's a pussy. But, dude, there's a one day I was looking up like his just his speeches. Like he'll put up videos of him running in like 100 degree weather. Yeah. But like him and Jocko Willink, who's like. Oh, I know Jocko. Yeah.

So, dude, there's a YouTube video. It's called Get Some. And it's him and Jocko. and it's just a compilation dude not a cum compilation oh dude yeah they should make one but they should it's just him and jocko dude and it's like a compilation of their like speeches per se dude yeah bro the first time i listened to it i almost like i don't even know, man. I've never felt that way before. Do you get a little teary eyed? No, the exact opposite, dude.

I felt like I was going to make my own like military suit. Oh, shit. I was about to go in the backyard and just start fucking knife and trees, dude. You know what I'm saying? Dude, I think that's, I think that's how you know school shooters start no dude i'm just saying like it wasn't motivational but it was like wow like this is like some real shit yeah i listen to it at the gym like every day just gets you going oh dude i'll do a fucking you know i'll do dick push-ups dude would you watch them in a tent together

yeah maybe it was the guys maybe jake gyllenhaal and heath are like yeah i like i like a little more meat on my bone yeah no i think if if jocko willink and david goggins were in a tent together and like whoever came first lost yeah i'd put a lot of money down to see that dude yeah like my life savings dude those are and those two guys will not give up. Dude, they'll literally go to the death. Yeah. So dude,

that would be, that would be, that would be more than pay-per-view money. That would be, that would be something else. Yeah. Like think about the biggest shit that's ever like, that would be like Will Smith times,

like at least a hundred at least in terms of like the viewers dude yeah bro you think you could watch that whole thing i think i would tap out before they did yeah i think guys i don't know if i can keep doing this i think i'd end myself yeah just because like i've reached my peak i feel like this is it like there's nothing else to life how do we go they would be going at it for years yeah dude i'd die before they were done. I don't even think they would take a sip of water. No. No.

No. Yeah, but dude, for sure, without a doubt, 100%, I would come before both of them. Yeah. I don't last long to begin with. Yeah. I'm glad we covered that, though, dude. We covered a lot.

Yeah, dude. I think whoever listens to this, dude, this is going to be like their David Goggins speech. This is it. We're here to motivate you. Dude, when you were doing comedy before having kids, how different was that? Never did it before other kids. Really? Yeah. you started once you had kids how did that work uh i watched i was getting divorced

and a buddy of mine signed up for the sunday showcase at the Comedy Connection. He had to bring five people. I was one of the five, and he fucking sucked. Really? Yeah. He was so bad. He was so bad. Yeah. And I always liked writing, and I went up to him at the end, and I was like, oh, man, if you ever want to write jokes, I'll help you out.

Not that I know what I'm doing, but I'll help you out. And he's like, no, man, I got this. And i'm doing but like i'll help you out yeah he's like no man i got this and i want to be like you don't though you're really bad at this yeah and then i thought well fuck it i just watched this kid bomb horrifically if that's the worst that happened man i can do that so then i just took a sunday night off from the kids went to the club and it was like uh it was like one of those bringer ones. Yeah. Yeah.

It was a Parada show. Shit dude. I brought like 50 people. Wow. Yeah. So they, they must've known like you were funny already. Came in swinging.

Yeah. Big swinging dick dude. Dude. I had that Goggins dick. Yeah bro. Just fucking annihilated the crowd. Whipping it out. Yup.

Brought all my friends. And then the first time i went up without bringing anybody i fucking bombed yeah that's exactly dude that's exactly what happened with me yeah yeah first show i made like 250 dollars second show just bombed like nothing else dude everyone hates bringer shows but i think they hate it for the wrong reason yeah yeah they're like oh i don't want to bring people i I think it gives you a false sense of confidence. Oh, 100%. You're like, oh, I'm good at this.

Then you go to an actual show and you're like, wow. Yeah, real crowds are like, what the fuck is this? You ruin a family's evening. When you, in terms of like, I mean, you can do like a decent amount of time. in terms of like uh i mean you can do like a decent amount of time when uh when was that moment where you're like oh shit like i've got a good amount of material and like was it hard or was it oh yeah man i'm still trying to figure that out yeah if i get asked to close out a show i'm like anything more than a half an hour even getting to the half an hour feels like a fucking chore for me. I want to get I want to I want to be able to do 45 to 60.

No problem. But it's like I can't get over that hump right now. Yeah. I think about that a lot, dude. Yeah. Just like how much around here, especially, dude, you got to be like fucking bang, bang, bang. Yeah. You're in the city now.

Right away, dude. It's insane. I feel like I can't even like leading up to anything. It's so fucking hard. Yeah. You know,, you're in the city now. Right away, dude. It's insane. I feel like I can't even, like, leading up to anything. It's so fucking hard. Yeah. You know? Gives you kind of like a false sense. And you have such a unique act.

Yeah. I mean, my act in general is already, like, straight. I think I have so much time because I'm a storyteller. Yeah. But you're like straight jokes. I mean, I'm still telling stories, though. Yeah. But it's just. You are, but it's still like.

Quick, like. Yeah. Yeah. You don't spin a yarn, man. But I wish I could, dude. I wish I could. I just don't feel that engagement. Yeah.

I feel like if you went somewhere else, though. Like, I was talking to this one kid. He went to Chicago, dude. He went to the Laugh Factory. He's from Boston. He was like, oh, dude, they were laughing at everything. Really? He really he was like yeah i felt like i could just like actually like have a lead up you know yeah there's all these like uh interesting like workshops you can do you know like yeah if you have a longer like if you're featuring go up there and like riff for the first 10 minutes

just to see and that sounds so frightening to me to just go up there and like riff for the first 10 minutes just to see and that sounds so frightening to me to just go up there and be like i'm unprepared i hope because i you have to like me right away or i'll want to leave yeah well dude you know that feeling though where like you're like bombing and then you get them back yeah Yeah, that's a good feeling. Yeah. Yeah. But like simulating that is so difficult. Yeah. I don't know, man. When I, do you feel like you're in like a coma when you're having a good time? I can't enjoy it in the moment.

Yeah. Yeah. If I'm doing well, I'm always like, oh, this is going to end real quick. Yep. I have to sustain this somehow. Yeah. I have to, I have to sustain this somehow. Yeah. I'll just take a ball out, you know?

Yeah. Take my shirt off. I'll do anything to please everybody. I'm a people pleaser. Really? Yeah. I'm not doing it for any sort of like artistic merit. It's just like,

please don't stop liking me. Yeah. What do you want me to do? Yeah. It's really like a selfless. Yep. You're like, you just want people to laugh.

Do you want me to make a fool of myself? I'll it if you like me yeah man yeah dude that's my biggest i just want everyone to like me but then i don't want to talk to anyone after i want to be left alone yeah no i feel the same way dude i don't know how to explain it man i think uh some people i watch it's almost like every line is like a like a struggle for them but i think dude whenever i'm having like a whenever i feel comfortable i just feel like i'm in like a coma yeah you know do you ever uh because you've been doing it what now eight years six maybe six not even really so you're at a point now you know you're you're developed enough you're good Do you ever watch people and you're just like, just stop. You should stop doing this.

I don't think they should stop doing it, but I have a weird sense of humor, so it's hard for me to... I'll 100% be supportive. Yeah. Even if someone does bad, I'm like, dude, you fucking crushed. You crushed. Everyone does that, man. It's just like a respect thing. Yeah. Like, even if someone does bad, I'm like, dude, you fucking crushed. You crushed. Everyone does that, man. It's just, like, a respect thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'll give you, I'm going to watch. Yeah. You know? But, like, for me to laugh, dude, and this is just me, dude, like, I have a very specific sense of humor. You sure do. Like, just random shit, farts, balls.

If you're talking about that stuff, dude, you have, like, my full attention. You got me. Yeah. farts balls if you're talking about that stuff dude you have like my full attention you got me yeah but if you're you know if you're talking about like historical shit you're making like historical references and stuff like that boring i'll watch but like yeah i don't know man it's all subjective you know what i'm saying right but dude we've all seen people who like were like didn't even we didn't even smile throughout the whole set and they could do they could make it fucking big yeah so that's why i'm like oh i'll never tell anyone like you know i would never be

like oh you shouldn't do this like a lot of people do that like on facebook and shit they're like yeah you should fucking quit people are mean but it's like dude that person could easily make it doing comedy such a torturous thing anyway that i think i'd rather have people keep doing it to continue to be miserable than to quit and like yeah be like oh it didn't work out but now i'm happy i have a family things are working i got a good job it's like i want you to stay in comedy so you just suffer that's i'll be supportive in that like i'll never tell anyone to quit i'll tell you to keep going oh yeah just so you stay in this mess with all of us well dude there's there's toxic people everywhere man who are just like they're not supportive and they're

like i'm so toxic but dude imagine like i don't think that's like sustainable in like the comedy world to just like because like you and i do we're down for the hangout you know like i dude i love the hangout yeah i love talking about stuff that like doesn't matter right shit like that just having a good time i think those are the best conversations yeah but if you're in it dude just uh just for attention i just i don't know man i don't think that's sustainable like i think you're gonna break at one point you're just gonna be like i think your your mind is rotted like if i if i see someone who's just like they're just like i just want attention like i don't care about anyone else uh i think you all suck like i'm just like dude i'm here for me yeah it's like dude fucking go

for it man but that's gonna be a long fucking journey dude that's always funny to be like yeah go ahead but you'll still be here in a year yeah yeah i mean even if i even if i'm still there in the same spot like i'm not like crying myself to sleep every night no dude like i am for other reasons but like you know but then you're up again i'd rather just be like yeah dude just fucking be yourself and see what happens you know that's fucking all it is dude yeah but if you're gonna pretend dude fuck man that shit's gonna suck you got a party going on right now yeah i'm gonna go up there with a fucking i'm gonna piss real quick is that all right yeah that's okay that was a good one dude how was it that was a good one really yeah i really worked one out wow one of my buddies uh dude he like comes when he pisses like really yeah it's like a big deal for

him dude it's gotta be like every time it just like or the first one in the morning like the one you just been holding on to while you're sleeping like you know when like you have to piss and you hold it for a while yeah and then you just let it out i think it's like that for him but oh my god it's like the it's like the girl you were talking to yeah it's like the jerking off and then and then pulling back moment though where you just finally let it go dude yeah just fly away you still get p boners oh yeah sure really yeah that's another thing that goes You still get pee boners? Oh, yeah. Sure do. Really? Yeah. That's another thing that goes away.

Dude, I get boners, like, if I'm eating really healthy, dude, I'll, dude, rock hard, bro. Yeah, dude. If I'm eating, like, shit, though. Fuck, man. I miss those days. I still get hard and everything, but it takes a while. Dude, like, I know we talked about it but bee juice man that'll if i'm having trouble if i'm not feeling my prime dude you know it comes in powder too dude so you

can just you can have that shit but oh maybe that's what it is maybe i need the powder oh yeah dude you can buy that article buy a fucking pound of it dude just put in waters and shit like crystal light just drinking dirt off dude yeah man i don't know dude i mean you remember when you were younger though when you got boners like in the class dude all the time like becky bent over in front of the chalkboard and you were like dude you had to like talk yourself down honestly dude you're just hoping the bell doesn't ring bro most of my boners when i was in like third grade they were all from like the teacher they were never really other yeah i was never like attracted to like fuck these hoes i

want the teacher dude seeing my third grade teacher's knobs you know like that when she bends over and she's like oh i need help with this question uh dude those were uh those are the days man like i would get boners then dude i would i would always be talking like elementary middle school high school we like the whole educational spectrum here we're talking up to like yesterday well dude like elementary for sure it was bad yeah i also dude i used to uh i used to pull my pants down second grade bro really all the way down i would have these like runners like pants like the ones that like wish wash like you know yeah i don't know what type of material that is

wishy-washy pants yeah that's what i would say if i went into like a nike but you got those wishy wash yeah i need these wishy-washy pants they feel good but dude i used to have those bro and i remember uh my second or third grade teacher they were super hot dude so i would get boners oh man but i would always i would pull my pants down because the seats were always cold and i i'd love that feeling dude on on your bare butt cheeks just bare ass dude and i never thought about the people behind me imagine being in like third grade yeah i was like morbidly obese too dude oh my god what do you even say you somewhere out there that memory is still so ingrained in that person's life you think they're still alive i don't know that's that was just like their their end they're just sitting at a bar right now just staring off drinking just your

childhood ass just in their brain i mean do that happen sometimes man what was it like just like the cool side of a pillow you like you just liked that sensation would you go all the way down well dude i felt uh no i just felt like naked already in the pants yeah the material made me feel naked right so i would get a boner and then like the like adding the boner like with the feeling yeah like the cold i don't know what type of material the chairs were it wasn't wooden right it was like it was like those kind of like plastic yeah yeah i know those are cold dude it might have been, it might have glazed my butthole and my balls. Maybe that was it. It's like a York peppermint patty.

I would just keep it like that while my teacher was teaching. She couldn't see, though. You were in the back or you were a little red? I was in the back, but not all the way in the back. Because someone was behind you. There was people behind me. They never giggled like, oh my God. Not once did I ever get in trouble.

They were fucking mortified, I bet. 100% dude. Especially, dude, I probably said maybe three words max the whole year. Yeah. But I mean, honestly, like dude, weird shit like that probably happens all the time. Yeah. Like in elementary school. Kids are weird.

Confused kids. I was a weird kid. In what way? i i would i would stare i would stare at people a lot wow dude same here yeah because i would just try to like read their faces but i i didn't i couldn't talk i didn't want to talk i didn't have anything to say fuck yeah dude yeah so i would definitely just kind of like scan the room you ever do that to a girl yeah i was always always girls same here bro yeah they ever confront you were they ever like what what the fuck are you looking at? Nothing is worse than you're just like staring somebody down and they look up from their

paper and you're like, you have to look away. Or did you maintain eye contact? Oh. Because I'm not a psycho. Bro, this girl, Jill. Yeah. She's a very good friend of mine. She's my neighbor, bro.

I used to have a crush on her, dude. Oh, okay. One math class. I was fucking morbidly obese at the time. Glasses. very good friend of mine she's still neighbor bro i used to have a crush on her dude okay one math class i was i was fucking morbidly obese at the time glasses smelled like shit probably said three or four words the whole year because i had to yeah one class i would stare at her all class dude yeah just not even hesitate just you just find her one day she was like i remember one day she was like, I remember one day she was just like, why are you looking at me? Like, it broke my fucking heart. Yeah.

I just felt like a fucking dagger in the chest, dude. But I'm glad she said it because I wouldn't have stopped. Right. Yeah. Oh, you stopped after that? I would just look at her all class, dude. Supposed to be doing math problems. She's probably on question 20, dude.

I haven't even wrote my name on the paper yet. But I don't know what it was, something about her especially even at lunch dude oh girl you would always look at dude you'd find out where she is you'd be like yeah okay dude yeah just hidden enough where i mean you got a good view of her maybe she doesn't see you you think like that's how you think they know like are they new oh of course she called you out she definitely knew no like at lunch like you know at lunch it's kind of hard to tell who's looking at you yeah in high school i feel like there was always that one girl i was like i had so many crushes on people that i never acted upon yeah i would just stare i feel like if i could have gone

back i don't know if i would have made action but it probably would have helped the cause a little bit because like what was your smooth line when she confronted you? Or did you just look down? I think my face just got beet red. You just pulled your pants down and sat on the seat? Yeah. I just took a shit and left. Just farted and bounced.

Yeah, I mean, we're good friends. She's literally my neighbor. But at that time, I just had a crush, yeah you know dude i miss crushes that's another thing yeah i feel like nowadays dude i'm dude i used to have did you have celebrity crushes um i was a big jennifer love hewitt guy dude i was a big like shania twain guy really yeah shania twain dude she had my heart bro shania and cheryl bro they cheryl cheryl shania hillary duff had my heart for a while yeah and then hermione dude i had a really big harry potter face i was gonna say who yeah harry potter dude everyone but you're not a reader

are you fucking lying to me dude harry potter the movie bro i guess so yeah dude anyone who saw that immediately had a crush on Hermione. Yeah. If you didn't, dude, then you're gay. That's the red-headed boy? That's a woman, Hermione. Oh, okay.

That's the girl, dude. Oh, okay. It's Harry Potter's girl, dude. I've never seen the movies. Am I missing out? Yeah. Damn it. I think you'd like it, dude.

You think so? You think I'd have a crush on this little kid? I mean, it's got a dark side to it too dude I like dark Yeah you like dark You like the scary movies right dude?

Oh my god yeah dude Yeah Give me Give me just pain Are you talking about like Just the Exorcist and shit? I mean you said you liked uh Fuck what was it

Shudder or some shit? Uh Exorcist is alright What was like your number one though? I think we talked about this Insidious? No no That's a good one I like fucked up movies This is alright What was like your number one though? I think we talked about this Insidious? No, no That's a good one

I like fucked up movies Like Like the Chainsaw Massacre and shit? That one's good There's a movie There's a A Dutch movie called Necromantic

About this guy who fucks dead bodies Wow Yeah That really gets you going? Dude There's a cum scene in that movie I'm telling you There is a cum scene in that movie Yeah You wanna telling you. There is a cum scene in that movie.

You want to talk about shooting rope? Watch that movie. It's like real cum? Just fucking unloads. Wow. All because of dead bodies. Wow, dude, that gets you going? Damn, dude, at least now we know.

I'm opening up. That's my deep, dark secret. Wow, dude. Yeah. But you would pre-game? That's my beet juice. And then once you... and then i go out on a date okay i just wow them wow dude yep dude that's how i feel about the food channel yeah yeah what about it the cooking or the eating just when guy fieri like tosses a steak dude dude. Yeah. I'm popping off.

You know what I'm saying? I think you would look good with bleach hair. I think so, too, man. I think that could be your gimmick. I don't think that would, like, help my comedy. I think so. You think so? Yeah, because it would just confuse people more.

Yeah. For sure. That might be, like, a little too confusing, though. That's what you got to do, though. You're already ruining family's evenings. Why not just... Dude, maybe, like, a buzz cut. A buzz cut would definitely... No. You so yeah i mean i go to super cuts dude so i never know what's gonna happen i gotta get my hair cut yeah it's getting a little crazy i go to super

cuts man so you're a pubes guy puke like my balls yeah um do you shave because you you're very put together you're very good looking guy well built machine yeah it's and that's again why it's like you see this and you're like oh this guy's got it all together and then you talk and people are like i don't know i guess i guess i don't know who this person is oh so you think like when people see me walk up on stage it's like oh this guy's gonna talk about like do this guy's gonna have yeah this guy's gonna have hard opinions on things you know he's gonna tell like it is and then you talk about like foreign policy and shit you get into it and they're like what the fuck is this oh yeah well dude i used to be like morbidly obese i was very very fat yeah unattractive i had glasses dude i never brushed my hair really uh i smell like shit

and you knew all this stuff and you're like this is just who i am partially aware yeah um and yeah man i think i'm still that person but you know i lost weight because i don't want fucking diabetes dude right yeah yeah so i don't i don't think most people do yeah i mean it's funny like dude being fat is hilarious yeah it's so fucking funny but at a certain point dude you're just like bro dude maybe that's what it is yeah because you know fat is funny yeah there's really nothing funny about a physically fit man but you're up there you still have that mindset of that fat smelly kid but your body's just tight not a lot you know people reach that age where like they're like oh yeah like i'm mature now like that was the

old me yeah and this is who i am now well i never really reached that phase where i was like oh like i'm mature now like never once was i I. No, I hope you never do. Oh, dude, the second I get out of work, dude, I'm screaming vagina. Like, 100%. Every day. Just to the wind? On the highway.

Yeah. I'll yell vagina, dude. Going down. I call my one buddy. We just talk about shit that doesn't even make sense. You just talk about shit. If people heard our conversations, dude, there would be like a world war.

But why would you even, why would you want someone to know? Like people are always like, you're a hard read. It's like, good. Yeah, that's what I want. I don't want to tell you all my fucking, I don't want to talk to some stranger and be like, yeah, like I think like.

I think when you find out about people, you're like, oh, this is actually boring. And I wish I didn't know. Yeah. I wish we could go back and I didn't know anything I knew before. I wouldn't want anyone to know, man. Nope. Especially at work, dude. I'm all set, bro.

Oh, God, work? Yeah. Yeah. I've got three friends, dude. That's all I need. At work? No, total. Just total. Yeah. Okay. That's all you need. Two, maybe, including? Yeah. Yeah. I've got three friends, dude. That's all I need. At work? No, total. Just total?

Yeah. Okay. That's all you need. Maybe two, maybe, including my mom. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't know. Can you count family?

Because then it would just be my kids. Yeah, yeah. Other than that, I have acquaintances, a lot of acquaintances. Well, you have your ride or die comedy guys, though. No, dude. You don't think so? I have... Man, I don't even know i think you can

count like eight comedy friends yeah but even them or it's just like you just see each other out yeah but do you think that because like they have their own life and like like when you when you meet them i mean not meet them like when you see them though like you have those conversations that are like oh this is what i i miss this shit yeah but i think yeah but but then again like no one ever makes effort to like hang out oh yeah it's just like i'll see you at the next one yeah no one's ever like hey man this is so much fun we should do it on a tuesday wow that never happens tuesday would be a force tuesday is a fun day yeah tuesday is a good day i really like tuesdays monday tuesday wednesday or my friday saturday

sunday for sure dude those are my weekends yeah man i cut loose oh dude cutting loose on a tuesday bring my kids to dave and busters man wow just fucking charge it two hundred dollars down on my credit card have at it oh dude play whatever you want whenever you want however many times wow dude and then i don't pay the bill then i leave you got to get your rocks off somehow mine's petty crime yep i feel that dude everything you're saying man i just i can't even respond to it because it's just like it's too much because you didn't know that about me right i'm a father i didn't see you as a david butchers guy no no dude but david butchers fox dude i'm all about it give me the fucking potato skins I'm a father. I didn't see you as a David Busters guy, no. No, dude. But David Busters is a fox, dude. I'm all about it.

Give me the fucking potato skins. So you're saying like, you know, a good weekend for you or like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you know, you chill with the kids, go to David Busters, watch a scary movie, rub one out at the scary movie. After, yeah. When everyone's in bed and I'm alone'm alone with my thoughts wow that's when it starts to rise okay yeah that's your life in like a nutshell pretty much yeah if you put me in a dark room with silent like just no noise at all yeah just me and my thoughts i'll get hard don't even have to touch it wow yep what if uh what if there's no thoughts there's always

thoughts can you shut off your brain there's not a lot going on out there like yeah but still something's happening balls farts pussy mashed potatoes mashed potatoes yeah beet juice beet juice beet juice that's usually it though that's enough yeah wheels are still turning if you saw me though like before this maybe just at the club or something and you look

you take a hard look at me what do you think I'm thinking about like the Da Vinci code I just picture like one of those wind up monkeys clashing the symbol

yeah yeah what do you think other people think murderer wow yeah yep that was kind of spot on dude yep this guy this guy definitely kills cats yeah you got to go along with it though dude that's what i do i'm like dude i have three dead bodies in my trunk right yeah

and they're like oh oh yeah and then you just never break eye contact. Yeah. You glossed over my pube question though. Oh yeah. No, I, I don't. You got a bush or do you trim? No, I shaved the balls completely. I love the feeling of that skin. Yeah. Yeah. You know, um, I shaved my gooch, uh, recently. Really? Changed me forever. I'll never do it again. too itchy no i just i just feel like it changed me as a person like i just felt like i was like disloyal uh for me dude i just feel like it should be you know you shouldn't really touch that area down there yeah but i mean dude if a girl you know if a girl wants to touch that you think that's off limits you're like no no it's not off limits i just like it's just like a fucking caution sign like there's there's yellow tape everywhere

like if you want to go past it that's hey that's your business yeah listen don't get mad at me when you go down there there's shrubbery down there for a reason i just feel like down there dude it's just like between your legs like your legs dude they're constantly in friction with each other you got to give it some cushion. It just can't be like nothingness. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I've done it before. I do enjoy the feeling.

It's just a lot to maintain. Yeah, it's like, dude, this is the biggest thing, I'm going to be honest. If I shave my gooch, dude, maybe I'll feel good. How do I know I did a good job job i have to stand on the counter bend over and like like really take a good hard look at it this is why i i a part of me wishes i had a good

friend yeah because i would definitely call them be like i need to stop over would you uh would you have them look in the mirror? No. Okay. I'd sit them down on the couch. Okay. And you'd just put your legs over your head? I'd just come, hey, can you check this out for me? I missed a spot.

And if they answer, that's a good friend. Yeah. If they leave, all right. They would have to take a really hard look, though. Yeah. What if they lied to you and they were like, oh, yeah, and then like some girl was like she went down there like carved it up yeah got like a fucking flesh eating disorder she's got like a third eye that's not a friend dude your friend led you down the wrong path dude what would you do if a girl

ate your gooch out and the next day she died oh man like would you laugh? I don't think I would. Would you tell her family? I would laugh a little bit. Like, I'm so sorry for your loss. We just don't know what happened. I do.

Would you make a toast at the ceremony? This is for Sarah. Boy. Yeah. Boy, was she a good egg. You're like on the second thursday of october yeah sarah took a fucking trip to g town i'll never forget the last time i saw sarah just down there doing the lord's work yeah but dude okay so

if you i mean honestly dude at minimum, you should trim the gooch. I don't know if I would grow it out all the way, but I feel like there should be something down there. Yeah. I think if it's bald, I don't know, dude. Good for you, but it's too much work, man. The balls, dude, the balls. It's also like not even anything you want to reveal. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's like it's there for a reason. Right. It's like a butthole. It's like, dude, it's there for a reason right it's like a butthole it's like dude it's hidden for a reason yeah like if you know it's just it's just a little skyway from the sack to this shit hide in the bushes dude that's it wants to come out wants to come out dude yeah but balls dude balls got to be 100 shaved the uh the little fucking uh camel toe area dude i mean dude i'll trim it bro yeah like i don't want it completely bald i want like a little little scrubble dude yeah yeah to show

that you're still a man right i want like a little v for vagina that's what i tell them when they see it i'm like yo this v this is V for vagina, dude. Dude, you know what you got to do is, my buddy told me this. I've been telling this to everyone. Dude, next time you get out of the shower, look in the mirror, dude. Dude. Dude, put your, like, balls, like, grab your dick and pull it towards your butthole. Okay. Put your legs together, and it'll look like a vagina.

Yeah. Yeah. Take a picture, dude. That'll be your new... The Buffalo Bill. Yeah. Yeah. Put that as your Facebook profile pic.

Dude, you love Facebook. I fucking hate Facebook. Really? I just think it would be funny to put shit on Facebook. That would be the profile? Dude, Facebook's fucking poisonous, bro. Yeah. I fucking hate Facebook.

Okay. I thought you were sponsored by them. You keep bringing them up. Dude, Facebook's fucking poisonous, bro. Yeah. I fucking hate Facebook. Okay. I thought you were sponsored by them. You keep bringing them up. Oh, no. I always make jokes, though, about Facebook posts. If you put that as your profile picture. Yeah. That and LinkedIn.

Oh, dude. You've got to be professional. I think it would be better on LinkedIn. I want to get that email and be like, oh, your profile's getting noticed. Dude, but that legit looks like a vagina. Oh, yeah. When I did that, when I came out of the getting noticed dude but that'll that'll act that legit looks like a vagina oh yeah when i did that when i came out of the shower dude i was in tears laughing yeah so i was like this is a this is a nice pussy dude you know what i'm saying this is a nice i sent it to a few people too dude yeah yo check out this puss yeah yeah i was like yo i can

switch back and forth who do you send this to uh just like close friends i sent it to uh i sent it to one girl and she was like really disturbed yeah like lose my number disturbed almost really i had to like i had to really like do a lot of cleanup right i was like listen like you don't know the story behind this yeah i've been through a lot like listen listen i'm dealing with them some things this is how i show affection dude that would be a good way to uh like bomb on a show yeah just do like whip that out and subtly yeah like step by step like you're still doing the bit you undo your belt you know you're still doing a joke doesn't land maybe maybe zip down. Never address, like, I'm going to do it. You never say that.

Yep. You just continue the act until finally that one shining moment where you're just tucked back. Everyone's staring you in horror, and you're like, all right, that's my time. Yep. Thank you guys for coming out. And then you jump out the window, dude. I would take a bow. Have you have you like that's what i would do if you were bombed in front of like a woman before oh dude so many really yeah not even

comedy related not even comedy related yeah just in general yeah but comedy related it's like a woman you were trying to impress ever come to a show and you were like no definitely like uh you know like pre-show like you make eye contact with someone they smile at you smile back and you're like oh i'm gonna go on stage and look like a fucking rock star right now yeah and then you go up and you fucking tank and then they stop looking at you and then you just get sweaty and and hot on there and then you just stare at him you're like please it's it it's not always like this yeah yeah a good bomb though man like it feels good oh it's humbling right yeah yeah but then you kind of look out in the crowd and you're like all right i mean i don't know if i'd want to do good yeah you have to that's what you have to tell yourself yeah right you have to

lie to yourself you have to lie to yourself it's not me these fucking idiots i don't i don't give a shit if they don't think i'm funny like tonight dude i'm doing a show this girl is coming she wants me to meet all of her friends dude no and they go are the friends going to the show yeah all of them one of one of my friends is coming and he's fuck yeah he's just a weirdo like you know weirder weirder than you um or is it pretty pretty even pretty even killed along pretty well yeah yeah okay but yeah i was just thinking dude like i was thinking it'd be more funny to just bomb than do like even decent oh you want to purposely bomb no i think that would be funnier than like doing decent you know when you have like decent shows yeah i mean it's all right i think it would be way better just bomb dude

just walk up there whip out my pussy and jump out the window like imagine how confused like her and her friends i'll meet you guys at the arby's yeah i'm gonna bounce right after my set because like all of her friends are gonna be like looking at her and be like what is this like this is him this is the guy i'm wearing like my big and tall eyes out polo i'm like hey how's everyone doing like no one fucking answers yeah just whip out the pussy dude it's on a second floor so okay i'll get some good air time if i jump through the window yeah it won't just be like a duck and roll it'll be like 20 feet at least you'll hear the splat yeah and then that's when the host comes back up.

And then I get up, unfazed, pussy out. Yeah, dude. You're still crossed. Yeah. The bodyguards are like, who is this guy? Oh, my God. What are you? Never talk to the girl again.

Just leave him with your friend. And your friend's like, yeah, dude, that's John. Yeah. That's my boy, J-Dog. J-Dog. Yo, he never closes with that either. That's a new one. Yeah.

Dude, that was well worth the $20. Where's your show? It's at, you know, Hideout. Yeah, dude. Yeah. There, man. That's what's up. And that's usually like a pretty packed show.

So to do that. Yeah. That's like a, that's a good Boston show. Yeah. And you're going to bust that out. I'm going to bomb that shit, dude. Yeah. I can't wait.

I don't know, man. Just having those thoughts and like serious moments. That's what makes me who I am. Yeah. Like you want to know who I am? That's who I am. I think that's a good way to not give in to pressure, right? You're almost like, no, I'm in control

I'll control this whole fucking thing if I want to I set the expectation, dude You'll never get me I'm like, you want me to do well? Watch this shit Watch what I do You can't always get what you want Oh, you're supportive of me? I'll fucking make you change your mind

You're gonna bring your friends out? Watch this shit Yeah She's a nice girl, too She's like, like oh john's so sweet you should see him he's he's so funny oh yeah she's been to a show like she's seen me bomb yeah yeah yeah oh okay she came to a show where like this one lady in the back she was like 80 she was like every joke i told she was like why why she was like so lost but that's funny so you confuse people i've been threatened before i i think i anger people i don't confuse so it's such a weird you anger people yeah i make people angry wow especially when i was drinking yeah i would just say awful shit and then if anyone like

heckled me i would it would i wouldn't even have like a clever line it'd be like shut the fuck up i'll kill you kill your whole family wow and people were waiting for clever line. It'd be like, shut the fuck up. I'll kill you. Kill your whole family. Wow. And then people are waiting for the punchline. I'd be like, anyway, so I got kids. I mean, that is kind of like a smooth transition. Yeah, dude. You threaten somebody's life and then you get back to.

For sure, dude. Yeah. I don't know, man. I've been heckled and like, you know, everyone has their own shit. Yeah. But like you've been sober for a while. So your mindset. Yeah. Now I don't even know how to handle their own shit. Yeah. But like, you've been sober for a while, so your mindset. Yeah,

now I don't even know how to handle a heckle. Yeah. Before I just lose it. I don't think anyone does. I've seen some people, like, execute it very well. Yeah.

I mean, I think you have to be like, really witty, and like, you have to stay like, calm and collected. Yeah. But,

I would never want to say something that isn't me. Right. You know what I mean? You still have to be yourself. Yeah. yeah you know so you just bring up like balls or something honestly dude i've been heckled like a good amount of times mostly at casinos oh fucking casino crowds man yeah dude i uh honestly usually they turn into just like open-ended questions you know i had to talk why i had to talk about like nipples with some chick for like at least three minutes yeah okay that's another thing i want to get into with you yeah nipples yep okay because i understand the name of the podcast yeah is in reference to your nipples.

You have been on record saying that you have freakishly large nipples. Yeah. I have freakishly small nipples for my size. You have like mosquito bites? Dude, tiny. Wow. Tiny little nubs. Okay.

What's up with that? I don't know, man. Are they really, are yours really big? Or do you just say that? No, they used to be bigger for sure. They've shrunken? Do you have the baloney fadeaways? So when I was really fat, I had the baloney fadeaways. Fadeaway jumper, dude.

fadeaway jumper dude yep and like i think when you're fat they would always be fluffy unless it was if it was super cold they would shrink down very small oh shit and that's the same to this day i just feel like they're smaller now but if it's warm out oh dude those things are popping off dude dude it increases like the size of my tits by at least do you have the indented one that a lot of larger people have? No, they're just really fluffy. But I have woman nipples. If it's cold or if I'm nervous, oh, dude. Dude, that must drive you wild.

You tuck back, right? And you're like, I got a pussy. But then also like, oh, shit, up top's looking pretty good too. I was just born a woman, dude. Yeah. That's okay. If I ever want to transition, I can just easily do it. That might explain your fascination with shania twain yeah because you've always felt like a woman yeah i

just i'm just waiting for the right time dude but dude 2022 i think you can do it but most people's nipples dude they're just fucking there like they don't change a lot especially guys nipples i know women's they they expand and contract but i still still have eight-year-old nipples. Really? Like tiny. Yeah. Tiny little nips. I would like that.

Really? I feel like that makes your tits look smaller. I feel like when I take my shirt off, I just get giggles. I still haven't developed. Dude. I've seen people. One time I went to this rock in my town. It's a rock that people just jump off of.

And there was this one kid. There was two hot chicks talking to me. I have no idea why. Yeah. So I'm, like, drunk or whatever. Like, this is, like, high school. So I'm, like, we're all drinking. And these chicks are talking to me.

And this kid walks over, like, 300 pounds. Huge kid. He talked to us for five minutes about really serious shit. He took his shirt off, dude. I just started bursting out laughing. His nipples were

this big. It looked like he didn't even have tits. Just all nipple. I literally bursted out laughing right in front of these chicks i probably embarrassed him but i pulled it off because i just jumped in the water yeah i was like oh i was just excited to jump in the water i literally burst out laughing just sprinted in the water, dude. Yeah. Those were the biggest fucking nips I've ever seen.

I've seen, like, a lot of salami nipples, fair share. A lot of dudes have them. But, bro, I was like, that is not humanly possible, bro. You just met, you didn't give it a little flick or anything? No, dude. You just laughed in his face and jumped? No, ever since I did that once-to-one kid after we won a playoff football game, and there was this kid who had beanbags for tits, dude.

So everyone was amped up, and I just walked up to him, double scoop slammed him, and he told the coach, bro. No. Yeah, dude. He sat me down. He was like, you can't ever do that shit again. You can't be grabbing titties out here, John. He was really upset, dude.

So ever since that, I'm hands off. Dude, you took the victory away from him? He was so happy and you just walked up. Well, dude, imagine if you really think about it, dude, if you scoop slam someone and you don't really know them, shit could pop off. He just drives to the building. He just went to the coach.

Oh, yeah. What was that conversation like? Psyche, we got to pull you aside. Is it my playing? Not at all. Oh, dude, he literally came out in the gym, and he was like, hey, come here. I need to talk to you. And I was like, oh, shit.

He was like, hey, listen, I know we won the game, but one of the players said you assaulted him. He used the word assault. Assault? I was like, no, I said you assaulted him. He used the word assault. Assault? I was like, no, I just scoop slammed him. He was like, you cannot do that. You can't. He understood it, though. It's like smacking a dude's ass.

Yeah. It just happens. Look, we see it. We want to do it. We have to fight those urges. I mean, dude, honestly, at the end of the day, I'm happy that that happened versus that kid coming to school a an m60 and just popping off looking for you yeah he knows what lunch i have yeah oh he's like oh you have third lunch i've got an m60 planted dude and you

wouldn't see it coming because you'd be staring at jill yeah all over fucking nipples dude dude yeah that's your final word is this because of the nipples dude yeah that's your final word is this because of the nipples like hiding under a fucking table i'm like yo i didn't mean it yo i didn't mean to scoop you i'm sorry man i got caught in the moment imagine that he's like he's like it's not the it's the slam. It was like the slam that got him, dude. Dude. But yeah, ever since, man, I could never do that to somebody. Yeah. That would be really embarrassing, dude,

if you're in front of two hot chicks. Somebody just scoops you. How do you even respond? You can't recover from that. You just walk away. It was really nice meeting you. Well, dude, if you did that, though, if you're talking to two chicks in high school

and a fat dude walks over and you scoop him, how do you react after that? You just look into his eyes? Yeah. What would you say? I mean, I don't think I could ever do it. Yeah. I don't think I'd have the confidence to do it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because, again, i'm a people pleaser yeah now now this kid's crying would you ever give him like a little rub a little little grab yeah i've done that i'd be nice with it yeah like dude it's so awesome jumping off this rock with you i'm having such a fun time are you having a good time too you just like you look him dead in the eye dude like really sexually grab it and then you just go am i gay and then you jump in the water yeah and then you fart like when you're in the air uh good dude your boner breaks the breaks the waves there oh my god well dude i think we covered a lot man we covered an hour and a half

of material it's already been an hour and a half yeah dude god damn i think a lot of what we covered like i think it's going to change the world i think a lot of people are going to look at us both very differently yeah i mean dude i hope you have a better sense of like who i am now nope yeah even more confused and i don't think i i don't think i'd want it anyway yeah this is it i wouldn't want it any other way either, dude. This is what I wanted, and I got exactly what I wanted. I'm really happy you got what you wanted, dude. Thanks, dude.

No, dude, I appreciate you for coming on, man. Yeah, dude. Obviously, we don't suck a lot of dick around here, dude. But, I mean, you've always been really nice to me, dude. Yeah. So keep doing that, man. Keep being nice to me, dude. I look up to you.

Can you just keep being nice to me, please? I'll keep to you. Can you just keep being nice to me, please? I'll keep confusing you, dude. Just keep being nice to me, man. That's our deal. Dude, we'll make it to the top, man. I think so. Dude, thanks for coming, bro. Thank you.

If you have anything you want to say to the people before you go. Support this podcast. That's it, bro. You're a gem. Praise God. All right, thanks, bro. Later.