The Johnny Salami Podcast - Dan Carney

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Dan Carney by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Oh, bro, I will say like, uh, when I first met you, I was super nervous. Cause I, uh, I didn't even know who you were, dude. I just saw you on like a Tim Dillon video yeah and I was super nervous and uh I will say man you're like one of the few people I know like your look uh lives up to your look do you know what I mean my look you know sometimes you see people on uh social media and then you see them in person it's completely different yeah like I saw you in that video and then I saw you in person and i'm exactly how i look yeah i saw you and i was like dude i think i think i knew you in like a past life or something you know that's beautiful yeah man i

mean that feels like a good thing i don't know if it's a good thing maybe it's a good thing that i look exactly how i look on camera no just remember that man yeah yeah i mean some people just look way better on camera than they do oh yeah it's crazy man yeah especially females you know not to be sexist but no no yeah but it's just that's just part of what do you think they're doing like photoshop or something i think it's i think it's photoshop adobe premiere after effects after effects is huge now yeah in the female community They're all using After Effects. Almost every girl I know has a subscription to Adobe Suite. How much is that?

It's an incalculable amount of money. People are taking out personal loans. Yeah, I mean, I'm not there financially. Yeah, man. I've seen some chicks. I remember back in the day, especially in college and stuff, you'd see chicks on social media and you'd be like dude if i ever see this chick in person i'm gonna be hard in public yeah you'd have to sit down yeah you know what would it makes you think like the more beautiful an actress the worse they look in person like margot in person yeah could just be absolutely busted who has even seen

sydney sweeney in real life i've never seen her in real life that's so crazy man like you know you keep sending me videos of her and you yeah yeah you haven't even you haven't even seen euphoria you haven't seen her no i haven't seen euphoria dude is there a reason uh you'd like don't want to watch it yeah i just don't want to watch it? Yeah, I just don't need to see people having a better high school experience than I have. I hated high school. And it's like, I'm going to watch people who are hotter than me, more popular and more liked. And then the world is tuning in.

Why did you not like that? I hated high school. I had a lot of acne. Did I have braces for freshman year? No, but freshman and sophomore year, I had a lot of acne and and i was just an idiot i thought i should have a shaved head for those periods you know for that period of my life i never even thought to have longer hair you had a shaved head i'm talking like well not like i had i had hair but there wasn't a lot of it you know i was i was it was buzz cut yeah you know holy i wanted yeah i've because so you had a yeah you had a shaved head and braces and acne. Tons of acne. I was on Accutane. This was in Florida, too.

This was right. And so I was this pale and I already could barely go outside, you know, and I got kids. One kid in my Spanish class used to call me El Rojo Blanco. That's the red, the red white. He was also a white guy. So just more fucked up. Did they put you in like special needs classes or anything? No, they should have.

Especially when I was on Accutane. Do you know much about Accutane? I've heard about it. It feels like something that you bring up one time and you never bring up again. Yeah. So should I drop it? No, no. Oh, okay.

Like if you had the acne now and I brought up Accutane. Then I'd be like, all right. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, when's the baby due? And you'd be like like i'm not pregnant like oh i'm just gonna move on the next thing then yeah uh accutane is like yeah if you have severe acne you take it and it uh it is like the fact that they give it to kids right it's like

it's insane i mean it dries your whole body out and it also makes you you have incredible mood swings and you get horribly depressed every kid i knew was on it was like so depressed to talk about like i knew how i was going to kill myself yeah and uh you're already that age so you already want to kill yourself um but me i don't change so i've stayed the same um but i uh i had a lot of acne and I took it and it dried me out. And you couldn't like, so like my lips were like bright red because it always be chapped. My eyes would always be red and watery. I looked like a demon.

And I had all this acne and like no hair. And it also makes you incredibly sensitive to the sun, which I already was. So like I would just get horrible sunburn and weird I would put sunscreen all over my body to go to like the pool if I had to go to the pool if you want to do anything with anybody in Florida you have to go to the pool

and I would have these weird patches of sunburn on my body dude I'm sorry for laughing by the way it please laugh it's funny it's it's like it is insane like looking back i'm like i was i looked like you've seen the matrix you know like that scene where like the guy's like leaving the matrix like you get out of the matrix for the first time yeah and he's like going through that like weird like like a film yeah i was thinking more like uh like dr evil's

child yeah that's also yeah that's also that's also apt it's also apt do you have any pictures man uh you just burned them all yeah no i i have some pictures i think i can i could probably go through well it's funny because i had i remember when i went to to college, I ended up joining a fraternity. Okay. And I deleted my old Facebook because I was like, I know that this is going to be a major problem. Like this is, I'm going to catch a lot of bodies on like the group chats and, you know, the Facebook groups and stuff. But I definitely have old pictures that I can, I could send you some. It's tough.

There's a picture with me and two of my, both of my grandmothers were one time visiting my parents' house at the same time, and I had shaved my head, and I was wearing a hoodie, and I was with my two grandmothers. It looked like my two grandmothers went to visit their grandchild with cancer. I looked sick yeah i mean dude if you have pictures i'll literally put them up i'll yeah i'll send them and you can you can put them up yeah i feel like you and i would have been like good friends you know we absolutely

would have been good friends i'll put a picture of what i used to look like man how do you look dude i remember uh my mom has a collection of pictures of me like when i'm younger yeah and she doesn't share them with me because she knows like it'll make me upset i guess she tried to show me like i don't know like 10 years ago or something i like i like lost my mind because i was upset i'm just like just smashing shit dude because she had them the whole time and she's never she never told me you know what i mean yeah i didn't even know they existed i don't think there's any pictures of you when you're younger yeah you're like it just started like a couple years ago i just fucking began life at like at like 17 yeah just like the sky opened up dude you know but uh dude yeah there was there

was one the one that made me mad it was like it was a school photo and I'm wearing like the shirt. I'll put it up on the podcast, but we're like the shirt and it has like fucking spaghetti sauce all over it, dude. And then I got my glasses and they're like smushing my head in, dude. And you can just see boogers like coming out of my nose, dude. Just didn't brush my hair at all but dude at that point in my life there was uh dude i remember vividly the first birthday party i ever got invited to i was this girl courtney and dude everyone had a crush on this chick yeah and i was like oh if i'm gonna to this birthday party, like I have to get a haircut before. Dude, so I go to Supercuts.

Dude, complete buzz cut. Like they shaved my head off, you know. And I remember going to that birthday party, dude. And like everyone made fun of me. And all the parents legit thought I had like three weeks to live, dude. Like we were playing like football in the back, dude. And I would like throw a touchdown. They'd be like, fuck yeah. At at the time i didn't know why and then later on in life i was like oh

i see they thought yeah you see i didn't even get that sympathy yeah oh no one was like there would be like maybe one person i would get roasted also because i was super I had a lot of anxiety. Yeah. And I mean, I still do, but I was very, very nervous. Yeah. He like, I both liked kind of like performing, but also was like attention would make me, I would get like, like my face would get super red if I get called on in class. That was my worst fear. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I remember that dude. And I like, I already had a lot of acne and I was already very pale, and I had no hair. So you could see my head. And so my whole... Dude, my face would get so red. Kids would take pictures of me. I swear, I think they were calling on me. The teacher would be in on it.

And they're like, we're going to call on Dan. Someone snag a pic. And there'd be one girl like, oh, no, it's okay. Did you ever do anything to get back at these people or? Thought about it a lot. It was a different time. Just going back, dude. It was before, you know, the internet really took off.

That's so funny, man. I had a manifesto. That's so funny, man. I had a manifesto. That's so funny, man. I just feel like... I got cooler, like, senior year. Yeah. I kind of had... There was an ascension.

Yeah, because you have no acne now. No, no, I took Accutane. You got the long hair and shit. Yeah, I really went the other way. There's a woman at my gym, dude, and she... Beautiful, dude, but her face is, caved in a lot of that she has the craters yeah she looks like fucking uh freddy dude there's a different there's a lot of different that's very sweet you should tell her that you're beautiful but your face looks like the moon

oh okay all right i'm just gonna i'm just gonna tell the front desk who said that. Oh, okay. I put her in a headlock. I'm like, where's Jason? She pepper sprays you? Yeah. Dude, this shirt is fucking tight. That shirt, it is tight.

I'm looking at your guns, dude. You got some serious tries. I haven't worn a normal shirt in fucking years. I don't know if I've seen your arms. Oh, dude. I feel so uncomfortable in your guns, dude. You got some serious tries. I haven't worn a normal shirt in fucking years, dude. I don't know if I've seen your arms. Oh, dude. I feel so uncomfortable in these shirts, man. The triceps are the alpha muscles. Is that why you're showing them off? Am I showing off the tries?

I can't really see them, dude. Oh, you're showing off the tries. Yeah. They're so far back there. Oh, shit. Yeah, the horseshoe, dude. That's what they call them. Oh, you got the horseshoes, for sure.

I might go to the gym tonight and do some push-ups. I remember doing that back in the day, man. You ever give a little fucking tricep flex while a girl's walking by at your locker? I used to have my locker in high school. That's what I used to do, dude. When chicks walked by, I would flex my tricep as hard as I could. Start cramping up yeah where was that kid in euphoria is there a kid like that uh in the show like me yeah no they left him out see that's why i don't fucking like that show well there's no representation

i mean listen man i think you and i both probably watched a little too many uh hallmark movies I don't fucking like that show. Well, it's realistic. There's no representation. I mean, listen, man. I think you and I both probably watched a little too many Hallmark movies. Yeah, we thought that things were going to work out for the kid with braces. Yeah. I was a romantic. I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting, yeah.

But I've kind of given up on that a little bit. I'm out there, man. Yeah? I still have a little bit of hope. I'm still, I'm out there, man. Yeah. I still have a little bit of hope. I have no, I'm hopeless. I think what gives me hope, man, is just like, just chilling in a parking lot by myself. Just listening to Landslide, man. And just drinking a coffee, dude.

That's the only thing that. It's beautiful. And then those fucking like, I'll think about like, you ever see Armageddon? Yeah. Oh, I'll just think about that scene with like Ben Affleck. He's like with that hot chick in an open field. just like playing with the graham crackers on her tits. I'm like, dude, that's going to be me one day. It will be.

Yeah. Yeah. Just with like a fatter man. Yeah, that's okay. Yeah. That's all right. Let's do this. That's your version of that movie.

Yeah. It just takes time to reach that. Of course. Of course. We'll get better. We get better with age. I'm pretty sure in that scene they were playing Three Doors Down, too, Here Without You. I haven't seen that movie in a while.

Dude, I tried watching it again because I remember seeing it as a child. Yeah. And I tried watching it again and the fucking video quality, it's like fucking terrible. It's not great. Yeah. It's not great. Shot in like 450p 450p yeah that's what they shot armageddon on it's 450p what is like the what do you think they shot

movies in back then uh film a lot of film probably well they didn't have peas back then i don't know if they had peas back then i mean the movie that out what, 2001? It was a long time ago, yeah. Yeah, it was a while ago. Bruce Willis was in his prime, dude. He was. I mean, where is he now? You think he's dead? No, dude, he's probably... He has dementia, you know that. For real? Yeah. Bad. Wow. Yeah.

He signed his likeness away to AI, so like future films and projects can use his image and they can recreate him. Holy shit. Yeah. You think Hollywood did that to him? Maybe. Yeah. I think Hollywood sent a lot of things to a lot of people. Started putting like paint in his

fucking omelets and shit. This is why you don't want to be too cool. Yeah. You want to be too cool you'll get got. I'm not saying Bruce Willis was trying to be too cool because he is the man. Yeah. You know but I'm talking like these euphoria people. I mean if anyone's too cool it's bruce willis man yeah if you watch he didn't try to be too cool that's why he's too cool yeah but he was too cool yeah he was too he tried not to be cool and it just it was reverse psychology yeah yeah you can't just casually blow up three cars

and fucking drop down from the sky dude you know what i mean you can there's only two people who can him and tom cruise yeah they could do that effortlessly now when like someone like ryan reynolds does it i'm like i don't believe this yeah yeah tom cruise on a different level man it's probably like that scientology shit i mean he's just he's electric you gotta make sacrifices man like if you're gonna be that good at something you have to fucking be crazy i think he's just he's just 100 miles an hour at all times yeah you ever see jerry mcguire um what is it about him he's a sports agent and he's uh cuba gooding juniors like it's his he's his agent could you could juniors like the nfl i don't think i have to be oh my god should i watch it a hundred percent yeah a hundred percent that's honestly that's my

favorite let's add one more to the list let's throw another one mel gibson mel gibson could absolutely do it yeah yeah a hundred percent yeah a hundred percent i was thinking about him the other day oh i genuinely was thinking about him what were you thinking about? I was like You're just like I hope my boy's doing well Tough break For Mel He's gonna live till he's like 150 He'll live for a very long time Have you seen his dad dude?

No I've never seen Mel Gibson's dad He brought his dad on Joe Rogan To like preach about fucking cell therapy And shit What a good son You know the shit they do in like Argentina fucking uh cell therapy and shit that's awesome you know what a good son you know the shit they're doing like argentina and like basements and shit no like a stem cell therapy like you know sometimes athletes get injured and they want to recover faster yeah they'll do like this i don't know what they're doing behind those

curtains dude why argentina outside of the u.s let me let me let me throw this at you Why Argentina? Outside of the U.S. It's not legal. Let me throw this at you. Might be able to connect the dots situation. Okay. World War II, remember? Remember that one?

A little bit, yeah. It was the one after World War I. So after Germany lost, a lot of Nazis fled. You know where they fled? Argentina. Argentina. Okay. I didn't know they were ahead on they were like you know a lot of scientists a lot of top nazis fled to argentina that's why there's a lot

of germans there if you ever meet like someone who's like argentinian or maybe even from like uruguay that region of the world usually they'll be like a lot of them are not usually but a lot of them are like mixed you're like why is of them are like mixed. You're like, why is that person speaking Spanish? But they look like Michael Fassbender. That's why. You know? So, Argentinian Nazis go to Argentina. They start doing stem cell shit.

Because they're like ahead on like science and shit. Yeah. Mel Gibson, anti-Semite, connected with the argentinian you're saying yeah you see what i'm saying yeah a little bit of a connected dot situation so you think after he did that whole stem cell therapy thing he was like i'm gonna scream at a bar about or what are the other way around he screamed at the bar about the jews and the nazis were like mel come with us yeah you guys you passed we got some're going to show you some stuff. Yeah, I mean, history repeats itself, man.

Absolutely. Yeah. Wait, isn't Argentina like a socialist country? No idea. Communists? I heard they're struggling, dude. I mean, look. Whenever someone brings up socialism, everyone always brings up Argentina.

Really? Yeah. I haven't talked about socialism enough. Maybe it's Venezuela. I don't know. I kind of want to Google this, dude. You can Google it. Let's see.

We can cut to a Goog. She's like Pornhub. I'm just not, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm not the, I'm not as worldly as you are. But that's, that's something that I'm, that I'm working on. Yeah, they're a socialist. Argentina is? Yeah, but it's, I think it's tough to talk about, man, because, like, you know how people are, dude. Like, if you're not from there and you start talking shit, dude, it's like.

People get a certain way. But the Nazis, a lot of, there's a lot of, there's this one comedian, and I would say his name, but I generally don't remember his name. And I remember seeing him, me and my friend, this was like five years ago. He was at some club in the city and we did like a show. We had like a show at this club. And then the show afterwards was like his headlining show. And he sold it out. And he's like a good looking guy, packed it out.

All like women there who just want to fuck him. And me and my friend were like, let's catch a couple minutes of this. And we're watching this guy who looks like the best possible looking version of me but like more german yeah um and uh but like just like very like could have been in glorious bastards but on the wrong side okay you know and he's up there speaking in spanish but like with no accent and he's like this is how latina is acting i'm like what the we're like what the fuck is going on yeah this guy's got the nazi dots in his name you know there's two little dots did you figure it out well the dad the mom is a smoking hot argentinian woman. We looked him up.

Mom's super, super hot, right? Dad, no pictures of the dad. No bits about single mother or anything like that. Just no pics of the dad. I think he's hiding his German heritage. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

I think the Nazis, they were like, what we're going to do, we're going to go, we're going to breed a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I think the Nazis, they were like, what we're going to do, we're going to go, we're going to breed a little bit. Yeah. You know, it was people in South America. Shit, man, you're always connecting the dots. There's just a lot of dots. You know, the Nazi dots, the ones I'm talking about? Yeah.

There's two little dots. I don't know the exact name for them. Me neither. But I like calling them Nazi dots. Yeah. Because they're usually like German names. Nazi nuts. Nazi nuts. Connect. Because they're usually like German names. Nazi nuts. Nazi nuts.

Connect the nuts, dude. Yeah, man. I just, you know, I mean, I feel like Colombian chicks are just so hot. There's a lot of prostitutes down there. Really? All my friends who have gone down there, they've indulged. Fuck, man. I just feel like every Colombian woman I've ever met, like, their family is so strict.

Like, they're not even allowed to go outside. So when they do go outside, you're like, holy shit. It's because that's why they're so beautiful. They've been untouched by the sun. Yeah, dude. And we're just looking right into it. I know. I'm staring at the sun.

Yeah. My skin is cracking. 100%. Underneath the UV rays. Yeah, there was a woman, uh, well, a girl in middle school who had a crush on me. She was Colombian.

She showed up to one of my basketball games, dude. What, what, uh, what time is the game? It's a nighttime game. Or was that like one of those Saturday morning? They would be like,

uh, school would end and then you'd have just enough time for the other team to travel to your place. I would say like four, four 30, maybe that you had had 30 p.m basketball games yep right after school man wow and then uh yeah man i remember what position were you uh i think it was a three three three yeah were you defensive minded kind of like a dream on green

middle school dude i would just camp out in the corner and pull up threes your corner three i would put up like 20 points a game really no joke No joke. Wow. I was water, bro. You're still, are you still cooking like that? Does that make sense? Yeah. I'm water. You're wet. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, because back then, man, I would just be outside all day just putting up shots. See, that's what I was doing too. Like, I'm talking middle school, get home, hours in the driveway. No friends. Hours in the driveway? Hours in the driveway. And I never, I didn't, I don't think I got better at basketball from driveway. No friends. Hours in the driveway? Hours in the driveway. And I don't think I got better at basketball from it.

No, me neither. I think I just was like, ball is life. But it really wasn't. I just had no other life. You just had that confidence, man. Yeah. You were just building confidence every day. That's why I shaved the head.

Yeah. You know? I was shooting on a bent rim. Yeah, my rim was like 9' like nine nine yeah like it wasn't 10 feet like a 45 degree angle yeah i was sitting on it was sitting on uh we had a hill like our driveway was on a like a slant and it was on the corner so like i was probably doing irreparable damage to my shot practicing on that hoop yeah and um you know knowing it but really having no other alternative yeah i'm not gonna lie man i'm not confident about anything but i know for certain

when i was in middle school dude i was putting up serious three pointers man yeah i was balling dude how many a game were you taking i think a lot of it had it had to do with the fact that the teams we played were terrible and they never played defense. Literally, the point guard would bring up the ball, dude, pass it to me in the corner, and I would just throw it up, dude. You know? I would scream that, too. Yeah?

Throw it up! That song by Lil Jon would start playing, dude. Which one? Throw it up. Oh, that's a song by little john yeah he just screams throw it up motherfucker over and over again wow yeah dude how long uh did you play all throughout high school no i ended up quitting but i was just saying those were the days man where like i would always be out like in the winter did you play

yeah but i lived in florida oh so it's way easier to play in the winter. It was worse to play in the summer. Really? Oh, my God. It was too hot. Brutal. Yeah. Yeah. I'd still do it. I was getting burnt.

I was running around there just red. I would always, like in the winter, I would shovel an area just so I could shoot. So you have a more appreciation for the game. Yeah. Just watch some D-weight highlights go out there, man. But then I slowly started to realize how bad I was, dude. One of my neighbors was an alcoholic, and I

didn't know at the time. I'm outside playing basketball. He touched me. I wish, dude. I'm outside shooting around, dude. He pulls up in his Corvette, and this guy literally screams at the top of his lungs.

He goes, he goes, yo, he was like, let me see that Larry, the legend hook shot. I'm like 300 pounds, dude. Dude, I'm literally like 40 feet away from the hoop too. Like I'm not up close at all. He was like, he was like, let me see it. And I was like, all right. So I just had to fucking throw a Hail Mary hook shot from 40 feet away. Dude, it bounced off the rim and hit his Corvette, and the alarm started going off. His face just went completely blank, and he just drove away. And he lived like two houses down. That's crazy. So him the whole time you know just driving away yeah did he say anything to you no words no i think he was pissed also wanted to know why his alarm went off while the car was on

yeah that's odd super confusing i think there was a few models of the corvette where that was the case though yeah i think that just like put into like uh that was just how hard i fucking hit him dude that's how much spin i had on the ball did he did he get sober after that they could imagine yeah he's like i can't i'm yelling at kids yeah it was for sure a sobering moment for you yeah i was like i gotta quit basketball and he was like i gotta lay off the whiskey man how old were you it's probably middle school and how old was he man that time i'm gonna be honest man i saw him a few weeks ago he's still uh either his family's living in that house or he just hasn't moved on he's still there he's in the basement well if you have the corvette what else do you really He doesn't have the Corvette anymore.

He doesn't? I think he was driving like a Honda Pilot, so... It's a more sensible vehicle. Yeah, maybe he's sobered up. Yeah, maybe he owns the house now. I mean, if you have a Honda Pilot and you're not sober, something's wrong. Then something's seriously wrong. Yeah, you're a fucking sociopath, dude.

Now, if you have a Corvette and you're sober, it's like, what's the point? Yeah. Like, you should be a little bit tipsy while you're have a corvette and you're sober it's like what's the point yeah like you should be a little bit tipsy while you're driving a corvette yeah if you have a corvette and you're not pounding whiskey man i think the every corvette comes with a flask for sure dude yeah that'd be sick man i remember when i was in middle school and i would i would just you know i'd shoot in my driveway for hours there was one time like a neighborhood kid yeah and he was like older right he's probably in high school or something maybe he's like 17 i don't know but i saw him in a my and he was like hey man like he just came up and was like friendly and immediately in my head

i go stranger danger and i'm like oh i to go eat dinner. What? Like immediately. Damn. I was like, I was probably 13, 12, 13, but I was such a skittish boy. And then I'm like inside, I'm like, oh my God, this guy was going to try to kidnap me. Really? Yeah. Wow. And my mom was like, no, you can go.

Okay. She was like, all right. He's probably fine. But he was still standing there on the driveway while I was in the house, kind of sweating. And then I go back out there. He's like, oh, I wasn't trying to be weird or anything. I was like, oh, it's okay.

What did he look like? Just like a few years older. Yeah. And I was so scared. Oh, he was older? Yeah. I thought he was was gonna try to do something to me wow dude so you really did have a lot of anxiety i had so much anxiety yeah yeah i feel uh there was a i kind of feel the same way like i didn't uh i don't think i was scared i just didn't know how to socialize with people like say hey what's up people would kind of like people just say stuff to me and i

would just like wouldn't say anything i do this i'm not kidding i would do the same thing but i would try to talk to me and i would just but like deep down i would want them to hang out with me you know what i mean i had no idea what i wanted really yeah i read a lot when i was a kid like like even before middle school i would all i do is read jesus man you're throwing stuff at me i didn't know about you. I know. I'm just reading and play Legos. Holy shit, man. You think you're autistic?

I don't know. I don't think so. You take the test yet? No. One time I was with a girl and we took a test on her phone. What'd you get? I think 12 was the autism score and I got an 11. I think I'm like right before. I was like, I'm like right before.

Yeah. Sometimes I wonder, like, my dad, like, there's some things, well, he'll do. And I'm like, this man, you know, like my dad, he was a size nine shoe, right? Like my whole life. And then one day I'm in the car with him. It was a couple of years ago. And he's like, hey, remember how it used to be a size nine? And I was like, yeah.

And he's like, well, it turns out I'm actually ten and a half wow i was like that's what i said fucking change your whole i know i'm like well this kind of blew up my childhood a little bit you know oh my god you have one idea of somebody and then now they're a different person and he's like yeah i got my feet measured had. Holy shit. So you've just been wearing a size and a half too small of a shoe. I was like, you didn't notice? And he's like, I don't know. Dude, your dad and I are the same person. Yeah, it was odd.

Because I was doing the same thing. Really? I had a red pair of Adidas shoes, and I was so in love with them that I just wore them for like three years after my feet grew. And now look at my toes, dude. My toes literally. Oh, yeah. Your toes kind of smushed in. Yeah.

I think a lot of that. But what you did is you bound your feet. Yeah. Like foot binding. I gave myself bunions like a real man. Yeah. Those are man bunions. Just to wear those Adidas shoes, though, dude.

They were fucking fresh, man. You couldn't get a bigger size? I don't think so, man. I think the said that they were red that's pretty sick yeah my dad though my dad was in the army oh so it's like he had to have like government issued boots and still too so too small wild really weird right yeah man we had uh one time i was outside sorry my throat i don't there's like cum in my throat you know what's going on yeah it's in the air but uh there was this kid who moved in across the the way from me dude the house across the street and people would always be moving into that house

like every year i don't know why maybe it was like haunted or something. And so I'm outside playing basketball and he starts playing soccer and he's like, you want to play with me? And I'm like, yeah, sure, dude. Really? So that's kind of bold. Yeah. Because if you're playing soccer and basketball are enemies. Yeah.

I really want to get you to convert is what he's trying to do. And I wanted to be a part of his life. Yeah. I really I was short on friends, man. I really wanted to. It really wasn't about basketball for you. It was more about companionship. It was just about that friendship, man.

Yeah. I just wanted to know what it felt like, dude. Dude, so we're playing soccer, and I kick the ball in the corner against the fence, and he goes over to get it, and he falls, and his pants fall down. Dude, this kid was wearing a woman's thong. Like, no joke.

A black woman's thong. Like a laced. Yeah. And dude, I literally, I was like, I got to go, man. Just went inside. Just left him hanging. I never talked to him again, dude. How old was he?

We were both, we had to be in middle school. Sixth grade. Why do you think he was wearing a woman's thong? I'm going to be honest, man. Little, how do I put this? Little lighten the loafers. I think his family definitely came here on a boat. Oh, okay.

And I'm not saying that to be offensive. They just, they didn't speak English. He was definitely going to burn. It could have been a big boat. It could have been a huge boat. It could have been a cruise ship, dude. It could have been a cruise ship. They could have taken a cruise to America.

It could have been a crash or something, dude. Yeah. You know? We didn't say much, man. No. But that's why soccer is such a universal. I just feel bad, man, because I didn't even give him a second chance. I immediately just bailed.

You know, we all make decisions in life and some people get second chances and some people don't. You know, coming to America was a second chance. Yeah. The thong would have been the third and then that would have been arguably maybe one too much. Yeah, man, that just...

But you should reach out to him though. I don't even know his name. I can't remember. You probably... There were so many kids that moved into that house, man, that just... But you should reach out to him, though. I don't even know his name. I can't remember. You probably... There were so many kids that moved into that house, man. Each and every year, I was, like, getting a new friend, and they just left. There was one house in my neighborhood.

It was... What? It just seemed like you were, like, getting ready. No, no, I was just talking about my neighborhood. I could see the flashback in your mind. Yeah. I'm thinking about a lot of people's houses in my neighborhood. Okay.

My grandma lived in my neighborhood. For real? Yeah. On purpose? Yeah, on purpose. That's sick, man. It was actually an accident. We were like, no way.

Damn. No, it was an accident. It was on purpose. Now we have her house, or my parents have her house, and they're trying an accident it was on purpose now we have her house or my parents have her house and they're trying to sell it but she smokes cigarettes in her house so she can't we can't sell the house spray a little vinegar in there dude it did everything everything um but also it's like kind of respect to my grandmother though yeah it's like it's your home smoking side um but there was one house in our neighborhood. It was a family lived there, an Asian family.

What type of Asian? I didn't ask. Yeah. Good call. I didn't. Yeah. You know, I didn't feel like I didn't feel like it was at that time. I didn't feel like it was my business.

In hindsight, that could have been a mistake by not asking. Okay. And at this time, you have the shaved head. Yeah, I've shaved head. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff on my own. So I'm trying to figure out who I am. Yeah. Okay.

So there was a family. It was a family of Asian people,ian people some some descent yeah and uh they would all wear the same thing but all were all white and um they all they all were uh pretty noticeably on the spectrum and all hours of the day they would speed walk through a neighborhood okay yeah and it took a while but they finally started to wave back to me how long did i'm talking like about a couple years wow yeah but once i was in there because they weren't really waving to people

but they would wave it they would start to wave back at me because I was out there shooting. Yeah. You know, so like I'd be out there doing my thing. You think they saw the commitment and they were like, all right. I think they were like, this guy's for real. You had to earn their respect. Yeah. Because they were showing up every day.

Yeah. Me, it's like, okay. He's outside shooting a couple days this week. That's good. It's great. Good for him. Yeah. But once they saw that, like, oh, this guy is a real loner.

I'll show love. How did that feel, man? It felt good. Good for him. Yeah. But once they saw that, like, oh, this guy is a real loner, I'll show love. How did that feel, man? It felt good. It felt good. You know, recently my mother said, yeah, your father and I didn't really do a great job at, you know, creating a warm, loving environment for you. So the wave back from the autistic Asian family and it went a long way yeah and when i say autism i don't mean like today's autism i mean like what people thought autism was 10 years ago yeah so they were from like a different fucking dimension it was it was a it was a different speed they were running yeah well actually they were walking it did speed walk and it was there was like maybe five of them that lived there so you thought you were in like alien

versus predator pretty much no i felt i felt it was very much like an alien meeting another alien wow yeah i didn't feel like there was any like um you felt synergy 100 holy 100 we made eye contact oh really really connected if at that moment in time like a fucking forest fire broke out you wouldn't even be surprised dude because of the the sparks the sparks that were flying yeah yeah that's a good point yeah that's true that's true i would have i would have known immediately and also i think that the five of them that live there and myself probably would have been okay and somehow i ended up in the same place there was another uh um i think there was two asian families that lived in my neighborhood maybe there were more but two notable definitely

more for sure probably more you know because i grew up i grew up in china okay are you being serious right now? No, I'm not being serious. I'd probably cut off the episode. Just be like, all right. All right, let's pause. We're going to take five. No, but there's two Asian families that lived in my neighborhood.

There was them and there was another family um and one of the kids at that family there was two kids there he was like 18 when i was like 14 but we were in the same grade so he stayed back yeah he stayed back a while okay and he uh he got put in like some alternative schools he was a real troublemaker i heard in florida they do that a lot though with um you know anyone who's not white they'll put them in like special needs classes because they're just not sure of like what's going on where'd you hear that from reliable sources yeah i think parts of florida were doing that there could have been a different

time period than when i was there yeah um i mean you know but here's the thing that could have maybe that was going on under my nose and i didn't know i mean i'm not even fucking around like i'm i'm sure now like after all the lawsuits they're kind of like you know someone was like why has my son been in special needs for six years well now florida's like like home a homophobic state you can't say gay right haven't they always been that. Well, now Florida's like a homophobic state. You can't say gay, right? Haven't they always been that way, though? But now it's like a legal thing.

Oh, they like the no gay law. Yeah, there's like, you know, there's legislation. Damn, that'd be kind of funny to just go to Florida and scream gay, though. You could face serious jail time. It's like going to Singapore and like chewing gum. For real? Yeah. If you if me and you hopped in the car and just drove through local neighborhoods. Gay.

Yeah, I mean, you're really. You think people would start popping off? I think there's a chance we'd get fired at. Because it is a stay in your ground state. And the authorities could be called. That's crazy. I didn't even know that. Yeah, it's wild. And to think that it's, you know, you can't say a gay state, but. That's crazy. I didn't even know that. Yeah, it's wild.

And to think that, like, it's, you know, you can't say a gay state, but Disney World's there. Yeah. You know, there's like... It's the gayest place on Earth. It's the gayest place on Earth. Yeah. There's men dressed up as mouses.

Yeah. You know? What do you think the second gayest place is on Earth? On Earth? Yeah. Besides prison. Fair. The sea.

Wow, dude. Yeah. Why do you say that? Bunch of guys on a boat. Oh, like a... Navy situation. Okay. Submarines, probably the second-guest place.

So you think the Navy is the second-guest thing? I would say the Navy, yeah. That's a good observation, yeah. Yeah. Our brother's a pilot in the Navy. Mm-hmm. Not gay, because he's in the Air. Yeah.

I mean, it's tough, though, because you're basically calling Navy SEALs gay. I mean... That would be so funny. They're calling themselves SEALs. That's kind of gay. Yeah, it's true. You know? They're fucking...

They're wearing scuba suits. You're flopping around, barking. Yeah, you're wearing spandex with a bunch of dudes oh you're wearing camo like all the time yeah you're playing hide and go seek all the time dude for like for and for what yeah you're right dude they are gay yeah matching uniforms dude protecting our country like dude but like our like but like they're hit they're like doing it like in secret yeah it's like it's gay it's kind of super gay yeah yeah they have a lot of pride hey listen man i'm not big on sketches but that would be funny as shit if like you've you got drone shot of you Driving down like a suburban road

You just You peel out in someone's yard Gay Just see how many houses you can do Just see like cops starting following me from a drone shot Like GTA They're like no we shot at you cause you peeled out I thought it was the guy

I think it was the gay thing I'm in court like I was taking a stand there was this I want to close this thought about the second Asian family because there's this kid named Brian and he was much older but he was in the same grade

yeah and I remember he'd sell weed I bought weed from him a few times um he'd leave it in the mailbox good stuff i go to get it not bad yeah nothing crazy you know he had a he had a german shepherd that he would take on walks without without without the leash you know and i remember when his mom was teaching him to drive i remember there's one time i was walking to the ymca so like you leave our neighborhood and then there's just like one straight road that goes on for like probably like a mile or so and at the end of that road is like the ymca and like little league

fields next across from it yeah so like i'm walking to ymca i'm almost at the ymca and like at the ymca there's like a there's a there's a light and it's kind of a busier intersection so they're about to I see this car driving like like next to me and they stop like maybe 50 60 feet in front of me right before the intersection and it's a woman screaming in Chinese and uh Brian gets out of the car he's in the driver's seat he's like fuck this shit fuck this I'm the fucking done with this and he's like laughing about it and he just gets out of the car he's in the driver's seat he's like fuck this shit fuck this i'm the fucking done with this and he's like laughing about it and he just gets out of the car the driver's seat door is open and he just walks starts walking back to our neighborhood with his mom in the passenger seat of the car in the middle of this intersection damn yeah so what did you think i was like my boy that's why he's been held back four times.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah. You think it was because of her, though? I think it was more of a him thing. Yeah. But I don't know.

I didn't know what she was saying. I don't speak Chinese. Well, dude, Asian families are strict, man. They're very strict. Yeah. You know, I have several Asian friends, Chinese friends, who don't talk to their parents. Yeah. Because of how their parents have disowned them. Wow. Yeah. Because they don't agree with their parents yeah because of how their parents have disowned them wow yeah because they don't agree with their lifestyle jesus man yeah one of my best friends uh

i would love for my parents to disown me yeah one of my best friends growing up he was asian but you couldn't really tell he was asian he could have been a fucking pirate dude you just never knew yeah and well there's asian pirates yeah maybe he was but he just never told me but but dude the first time i ever got drunk was at his house and we had a sleepover in a tent with a bunch of dudes you know no homo yeah and uh Was the tent inside the house? I wish. It was outside the house? Yeah. It was the backyard?

It was in his backyard. And so we're like, all right, we'll keep it. This is how we won't get caught because we're in the tent, you know, easy escape, whatever. Didn't make any sense. But, dude, so we get drunk and we immediately, all of us, start dancing in the backyard. Dude, so my Asian friend brings out a subwoofer you have to realize we were trying to initially stay low-key he brings out a full-on speaker system yeah he's like what if we just didn't do that yeah so you got a bunch of dudes dancing we were dancing to uh you ever

heard the song cyclone by baby bash cycl Yeah. That song was a banger. That was huge. At this point in time. So, dude, we're dancing and stuff. Dude, I'm fucking getting my groove on, dude. And I ended up pulling my pants down, bending over and spreading my ass cheeks towards his house. And his father was on the deck just and he just And while Cyclone was playing for us. I mean, dude, he probably heard all the ruckus and was like, oh, what's going on here?

Just sees his son dancing with a bunch of dudes. And his son spread. And yeah, dude, I remember. He's probably watching already disappointed. And then you show him your asshole. Well, dude, I was facing my Asian. I was facing my Asian friend. Like my ass is facing him. And I remember looking at my Asian friend and he was kind of like.

Don't spread your ass cheeks to my dad dude and i remember turning around man and his uh i've just never seen that look on a man's face like a grown man's face just like pure disappointment and uh he didn't he didn't say anything man he just went back inside what it's there's nothing really there's really nothing to say there's nothing to say yeah did you ever you know not confront him but like did you have any interactions with him after that yeah plenty of them yeah you never brought it up yeah i think they they knew i was uh they knew i was pretty retarded something was going on yeah yeah we had had sleepovers before dude i would just scream pubes at night and shit like that one time yeah one time we had a sleepover and i just the whole

night i was screaming pubes it was in a tent too we were in theover And I just the whole night I was screaming pubes It was in a tent too we were in the same tent I just kept screaming pubes And his mom Opens up the kitchen door She's like stop scream Stop screaming pubes How old were you this is 16 around this age i mean we were friends for a while man i knew him since i was like 13 or something that's awesome yeah we grew up together dude we grew up together

and then didn't really talk in high school that much and then when i was in college dude we found out so he moved to pennsylvania and then he moved back he moved back here uh well to rhode island and i found out he lived like three streets down and i was like dude this is crazy you know what i mean it's one of those things where like damn dude i might believe in a higher power wow yeah that'll get you there yeah what's he doing now uh he moved back to uh pennsylvania what part i don't even know man i should go visit him dude you should i have family there i can my family let you crash really i'm sure they would i mean i could just crash at his place no go visit his parents his parents. No, you don't want to. Go visit his parents. Be like, you guys.

Show them your asshole again. So like, we thought you were done with this. No, this is how things have changed. Yeah. His dad's like, actually, pretty similar. Sometimes, man. Mostly untouched. You ever think about stuff like that, though?

You think parents like that were kind of like, not happy, but it kind of made them feel alive dealing with stuff like that. I'm sure that it was maybe difficult for him to fall asleep after that incident. Yeah. But after, like after a few years. So I remember when I was probably around five, six, it was either sometime between kindergarten and third grade. My grandfather was living with us for a little bit. Yeah. And on my dad's side, my grandfather, guy's crazy.

I mean, not like crazy, but he's like, he's kind of Trump-esque. Okay. Like he'll say Trump-esque shit. He remarried a woman who's like the same age as my father, like my father's brothers. And like... What was the age gap? Like 30 some years. You know, respectable, respectable gap. She's a sweet lady.

He didn't even have money like that. She was just into it. So he's a legend. Yeah, he's kind of... He's kind of a legend. Yeah, dude. Wild man. so he's a legend yeah he's kind of he's kind of a legend uh wild man yeah um i remember uh big dude big like six four irish blue collar very blue collar vet war vet you know it was a i think also he was in the air force okay loved planes he had a plane room every house he ever owned bunch of planes we'd sit in there he just talked to us about planes and shit i think he had a plane room every house he ever owned a bunch of planes we'd sit in there

he just talked to us about planes and shit i think he was a little secretly gay no this was the this was the most i mean he couldn't he couldn't afford to be gay you think he was so straight though that he might be gay there's a chance yeah there's always a chance but i think he just i think he i think he loved pussy though okay i think he genuinely loved pussy and i wouldn't say that if i didn't believe it yeah you know there's, there's maybe, there's a chance, but like, you know, I would say probably definitely not. Yeah. You know, um, I, and I remember there was, and this kind of connects to that a little

bit, the story. So when I was like around five or six, I remember he was sitting in the living room and I ran out into the living room and I looked at him and I was like, Hey, you want to see something funny? And then I just showed him my penis. Just pulled my pants down. Wait, you were like five or six? I was young, yeah.

Holy shit. And I pulled it down. I just showed him my little penis. Holy shit. Like, I thought I was going to crush. Yeah. I had no clue. And the look of horror on this man's face.

I mean, the fact that he lived past that moment yeah if he was any older it might have been what do you think you were packing at that age too not a lot maybe that's what i thought was funny like hey yeah let's see something funny my tiny stick oh man yeah thinking about the size of your cock back then is like it's almost kind of scary dude it's it's terrifying yeah you know uh yeah that is for him i mean it's like he had he hadn't seen one that small oh yeah in a while especially the fact that you're a five-year-old you know i i made him a pedophile yeah like literally literally he could be on the list after as you grew older like did you ever bring it up no no i do remember the look of horror on his face

immediately was like turned away yeah and my parents they got me out of there so fast is he still alive no oh that'd be funny if he was and you just like ran it back i showed it to him again yeah on his deathbed yeah oh my god so we did at the time did you have like a like a good like what was your relationship we had a good relationship yeah i would say i mean i don't know i was a very like i said very introverted kid yeah and so he probably had no idea what the fuck was going i don't remember like much of our dialogue so much funnier too yeah like an introvert and you did that super introverted kid and just did that probably i was probably a spaz i was probably very introverted and then like very manic very high low high low high low yeah like the low like you just don't hear from me and then the high it's like i'm doing shit like that i feel like at that age man i always have

like i have a few vivid memories but i have like some blurry memories that one's pretty strong yeah there's always a few that are just like i know this happened you know do other people try to deny it what do you mean i deny that it happened to you because i might my i i brought up i brought up the the show my grandfather the penis thing uh-huh uh and my mom was like you shouldn't lie about things like that really and i'm like i'm not lying yeah she goes okay she doesn't believe anything honestly man i feel like at that age, even if... How would I have that memory? Whatever you think happened, happened.

It was totally vivid. I remember the look on his face like it was yesterday. Yeah. It's crazy. I have thoughts like that too, man, from like five or six. There's not many, but there's... There was other people in the room too. It wasn't just him.

Yeah. Like everyone was there. We might have had other company there. Uh-huh. Yeah. And they saw it. Yeah. I don't even know how you could forget something like that. Everyone was there. We might have had other company there. And they saw it. I don't even know how you could forget something like that. You couldn't. You try to forget.

But you can't. Even if it didn't happen, it happened. I'm almost offended that my mom doesn't remember it. I mean, that happens with everyone, though. You know something happened, and it's so wild that no one believes it, except for the people that were there. and it's so wild that no one believes it except for the people that were there yeah but it's always nice like sometimes i'll tell a story and like the people who are in the story will like message me and they'll be like damn dude i thought you like

forgot about that like what's a recent example of that it's usually the people who i hung out with in that in that time period yeah you know they'll be like hey we'll listen to your podcast and like we remember a lot of things you talk about you know a lot of it has to do with bmx and stuff like a lot of bmx my bike and stuff yeah yeah that's all we did we just hung out with on bmx bikes and drove around the neighborhood you should absolutely have one in the city that'd be so sick yeah if you pulled up to spots with a dirt bike a bmx bike you'd be a legend well a dirt bike is different from a bmx bike dude i don't know about stuff like that you're thinking about a dirt bike i'm thinking about a dirt bike yeah what's a bmx bike that would be wild oh no dude i don't fuck with dirt bikes no

why not dangerous i mean this happened at my asian friend's house too dude he he had uh acres of land in his backyard like where we would hang out we're doing well where the tent was behind that there was like a creek and then behind that there was just like acres of field and he had quads dude and they would bring them out there and i had never quad quads four-wheelers yeah trust me dude i didn't even know what it was until they told me but they tried that giving me a shot and uh so my asian friend was a good friend of mine and then i had another friend who was guatemalan and uh they gave me a shot to ride a four-wheeler so i'm on the four-wheeler and my Guatemalan friends on the back hands around my waist he's

trying to teach me how to like shift and shit dude and he's behind you yeah I just shifted up like three times and then just put the throttle down all the way dude we hit this ramp and then I fucking hit a tree I crash into a tree and the the four-wheeler's riding up the tree like i'm i still have my hand so my guatemalan friend he's freaking a bear climbing a tree yeah literally like i'm literally like dude so i fall back yeah the quad is about to fall on my guatemalan friend and i just leg press it off of him like before before it hits him. And I was like, dude, I just saved your life. And he was like, yeah, I mean, you also almost just killed me, dude. Yeah, I literally almost killed him, dude.

Yeah, if I didn't leg press it off him, dude, he would have gotten fucking smoked. I almost killed myself accidentally a couple weeks ago. Yeah, you told me this, right? Yeah, I did. You brought it up very subtly, too, as if you were going to commit suicide. Was actually going to commit suicide. Well, it would have looked like a suicide because I was in a garage in a parked car. Where were you again?

I was in Minneapolis. Yeah. And I got back from a show. My friend was letting me crash at his place and use his car. He wasn't there. Yeah. And so he has a garage, and I'm in the garage, put the garage door down. And before I go in, I'm just watching Family Guy clips on my phone.

And next thing I know, it's been like 30 minutes. And then I remember it. I'm like, oh, this is how people because I started to get lightheaded. And then I remember it. I was like, holy shit, this is how people kill themselves. And I look at my phone. I'm like like i've been here for like 30 minutes and i looked it up apparently it can you can it takes significantly less time than that you ended up looking it up i looked it up because i went i was on instagram live i was like guys i almost just almost just died yeah and people were like some people people were like, maybe you should,

like you might have carbon monoxide poisoning. My heart rate was kind of elevated and they're like, you need to get fresh air is what people were saying, but it was negative 10 degrees. So I didn't really want

to get fresh air. Yeah. And, but the funny thing is, is that one, if I were to kill myself, I would have looked obviously like I,

there could be, people could say maybe it was an accident. Maybe it wasn't. But earlier that day, I was going to tweet one more month to join the 27 Club. And then I was like, I'm not going to tweet that. That's bad karma. Why were you going to tweet it again? Just because of your birthday?

Just to fuck around. Yeah, my birthday was like in a month. Yeah. But I was just fucking around. I just fuck around on Twitter. So I was like, I'm not going to tweet just fucking i just fuck around on twitter so i was like i'm not gonna tweet that that's bad karma so i drafted it and imagine if i had tweeted that yeah and then that happened people would have been like he obviously killed himself dude i wonder kind of a legendary thing though yeah you think that's uh mother nature you think

that's like dude because that happens a lot, man. Things like that happen and it's like... I mean, isn't that weird? How I drafted it, I didn't do it, and then I almost died? Maybe your mind kind of played a trick on you. I think my mind planted a seed. Yeah, it's trying to come at you. It's trying to attack me, but I defeated my own mind that day.

Yeah. And carbon monoxide. Yeah, man. Maybe it was those Asians, dude. I think it was it gave me a lot of power a lot of hope that my parents did it

when I was that age they saved you dude they did damn they're good people they're still there really? yeah

shit I know they don't look any different that's so funny man just going back and seeing people who are still there still there

and wearing the same thing yeah look the exact same they still wear all white like they're playing tennis yep they're doing the same thing. Yeah. Look the exact same. They still wear all white like they're playing tennis. Yeah. They're doing the same thing every day, dude.

It's beautiful. So we could learn a lot from that. Yeah. It's discipline. Yeah. All right. You down to do some more time, dude, just for the Patreon?

Yeah, I'm down. All right. Yeah, man. I'm going to piss and then do a little bit more time. Oh, yeah. Thank you guys for joining. As always, we're going to do and then do a little bit more time. Oh, yeah. Thank you guys for joining. As always, we're going to do the Patreon episode now.

If you want to do that, it's a dollar a month. It's usually like 30 to 60 minutes of just unfiltered stupidity. And then we'll probably take some phone calls, too, on the Patreon. Fuck yeah. But, yeah, dude, thank you for coming, man. Thanks for having me can you uh just tell everyone where they can find you and any any upcoming stuff you got going on yeah just uh follow me at dan man carney on uh the internet instagram twitter tiktok and all that and like any shows i have coming up will all just be on there so it's just easier to be there

and you'll get everything you need. Yeah. Hopefully we can join forces again, dude. I know. We did. We joined forces last weekend. Yeah. Road dogs, dude.

I know. That was fun. Hell yeah, man. I was tired as hell. All right. I'm just going to piss, dude. Yeah. I'm just going to piss.