The Johnny Salami Podcast - Dan Hall

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

On this episode of the podcast I sit down with Dan Hall who is a comedian out of Boston. We talk a lot about what its like being younger comics, making comedy sketches, and much more.

All right, what's going on everyone? Welcome to a new episode. Today's guest is Dan Hall. What's up? Dan, I mean, just for the people listening, you're a comedian out of Boston. Yeah. And we met at a show, right? Yeah, I remember I met you, I think I saw you a few, I saw you actually at the Comedy Connection. Yeah. Like one of the shows, and I think it was like one of those friday ones

and i remember being like the fuck's this kid you're hilarious like you're very funny and like you just have a different thing than most comics i know where it's like be loud or you know it's the opposite of me which is just scream and have no you know math to your thought process at all where yours is very like, I think you're going to murder me after the show, but in a funny way. Yeah, that's what most people say. No, I think I met you, though, at,

I met you at this place called the Dark Horse Tavern. Oh, shit, yeah, yeah. It was like a weird fucking place. Yeah, that was like a newer show at the time, and now he does, he did the Rhode Island thing. Yeah, but I uh you weren't on the show but i remember alan was like hey man you're coming to this place tonight and i was like all right man cool yeah yeah he just like brought me there and uh i just remember like everyone being like vividly confused in the uh oh yeah yeah it was like the audience it was so satisfying

though yeah and uh yeah man like alan like introduced me to you but uh obviously i didn't like know who the fuck you were and then then i met you on the um the chaskeen show right i think that was after no there was one it was at the comedy connection oh okay funny because like the booker was like hey man like i need you to host yeah i was like no i can't do that i was like you really don't want me to do it and uh he asked you to like switch spots oh no shit he's like yeah man look like you know this kid dan's gonna take over for you but next time like don't be a pussy who was it it was brian oh okay i was like it couldn't have been cory he doesn't know who the fuck i am he was like you should probably say thank you to brian

and i was like all right i was so happy but then we met dude and i was like fuck yeah man yeah we're best friends ever since yeah it hasn't changed on the phone every night talking to each other yeah um yeah no that's uh do you miss doing stand-up i feel like i haven't even like uh i feel like i never even started. Sure, yeah. How long had you been doing it before it stopped? I did it when I, so the first time I went on stage was when I was 19. Okay. And I told people beforehand, I'm like, look, like, this is just a one-time thing. I just have to let some stuff out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, I mean, I know some people will do that, too. Like, they'll just be like, I just want to see what it's like. Right. And that was kind of, like, my approach. too like they'll just be like i just want to see what it's like right and that was kind of like my approach and um basically like i had a weird process where like most people will go to the first open mic and they'll be like yeah you know i just went up there and i fucking humiliated myself and i was like i never want to do this again but i went to a bringer show dude and i

told people i was doing it yeah and like the entire town was like wait a second john's gonna go up there and speak yeah yeah so like a bunch of was like wait a second john's gonna go up there and speak yeah yeah so like a bunch of people came dude right right right i made a shit ton of money for some terrible fucking jokes that's great yeah the book was like dude you need to come here more often where was it it was at the comedy connection oh okay he's like dude you gotta you're just more often and i was like dude you just want my money yeah yeah money you gotta do this more often. And I was like, dude, you just want my money. Yeah. You just want people's money. You gotta bring all these people back. He was like, every week, man, we're gonna do this.

And I was like, no, man, I'm done. I'm retired. And he was like, what the fuck? He was like, what's wrong with this kid? Yeah. He was so confused. Yeah, I said all I needed to say. He was like, look, man, I'm done.

And you would text me all the time. You'd be like, dude, we gotta get you back. Who was it? Do you know who it was? Yeah, I'm not gonna say his name. such a jew man always like johnny can you bring like 30 people i'm like no like i have one friend dude like um so that was like my start to it yeah and then after a while like i tried playing college sports and i was just like you know what dude i'm like you're so different mentally like yeah i don't know why i didn't just stick with comedy like

if i could go back i would have just stuck with it but yeah i would say i started when i was 20 okay how old are you now i just turned 24 so okay so i mean i would consider us both like pretty young comics for sure yeah um i mean it's it's nice to like compared to a lot of people i know i'm like all right i'm doing okay yeah yeah man i mean like's it's nice to like compared to a lot of people i know i'm like all right i'm doing okay yeah yeah man i mean like it's i mean honestly i feel like you can kind of relate to this as like a young comic it kind of sucks man like it does but it's also fun i don't know i came from music so like i didn't have too much of a uh like a learning curve in terms of like you know whatever it is like when you do like a shitty show and stuff like so like i

was a drummer from like 12 i mean i still play i've played drums my whole life but like when i was younger i was like i'm gonna be a fucking drummer like it went from like being a rock star to being like a studio drummer like real really narrowed it in towards the end to be like ah maybe maybe i'll just play bar shows and that'll be my thing and then like i stopped and like there was a gray area for a couple years there and i was like i think i need to do stand-up which no one really needs to have that thought in their life but uh what would like what triggered the thought though i don't know it's funny so like beforehand so when i stopped drumming i was supposed to move to nashville and to be like a

drummer and it's only fucking country music and gospel down there and i'm not really into that at all uh and then when like i stopped i was like i need to figure out what i want to do and i was like i'll be an event coordinator so i tried to be like an event coordinator for a year and that didn't really work out and then i was like i'll do a lip sync night not a karaoke night a lip that was like when the whole like lip sync battle was on tv real dumb shit i was doing and then there was a minute where i was like i wasn't running my own trivia night but i was like interning where i'd have to go to other bars that have trivia jesus and i would have to sit with the lady that was like

your couch pulls out but but I don't, uh, three point, whatever the fuck it was who like read the answers. And I was going to do that. And then I just never, they, I still have emails from them that are like,

Dan, are you fucking there? And I just stopped like responding. Cause I was like, I can't be a fucking trivia guy. And then my buddy told me about the iron furnace, which is in Quincy had like an open mic and that's where it all started yeah what was like um what was your first open mic like was it like humiliating well my first

so i went to that a bunch and like i got to know everybody that's where i met tyler and logan and everybody and then i heard about the middle east and i knew about the middle east just from playing music there and me and my buddy chris who i started with like iraq yeah like iraq we were in kuwait uh john paul was there uh um john paul was the host and it would be like you know it it was one of those nightmare mics of i think it started at like eight and it went till the bar closed it was like a 58 person the first time i went up me and my buddy were 58th and 59th and we got bumped to like technically 65th and 66th so there was no one there we were hammered and john paul rivera do you know him no he's like a he's been a boston comic for i think he's in new york now but he's all over the place. He was the host, and he has the best give-you-hope laugh.

So when I did it, I don't even remember the jokes. I was probably terribly nervous, but he laughed enough where I was like, I think I can fucking do this. And then I didn't do another spot until a month and a half later at the Iron Furnace, which I thought was the end-all, be-all show. It was a booked you know tuesday bar show yeah sort of booked mic sort of thing but um yeah that's so i got like a spot there because i knew everybody there and i was like well i've done it once i've killed one place

i can do it again here you can do anything yeah yeah yeah and then you know it just turned into like oh yeah we all suck at this and i have to go to a mic every single night and feel guilty when i don't yeah man it's basically all it is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah man it's like uh you're either like unreal from the jump or like i guess you're either unreal terrible and get better or terrible and stay the same and do mics until you're 58 yeah man it was crazy man like i had such like a boost of confidence after doing that first show i remember him handing me like 250 yeah that's yeah that's like hitting that's like buying your first scratch ticket when you're 18 and he goes yeah man like you get 50 of like the tickets yeah the door and i was

like okay yeah he's like yeah man so like here's like 250 bucks and i was like okay and i felt so fucking guilty dude but like then i really like took a step back and i was like dude i invited like three people yeah i don't know how these people heard about it yeah it's probably because i was so quiet like in high school and stuff they were like i can't they're like that kids do i can't wait to see like what he thinks about were you like uh you play sports and shit in high school yeah that's basically like that was you right and a lot of people could see that i guess for sure and yeah i mean i fucking waddle dude like i i feel like i'm like 70 so yeah i don't know how people see it but even like when i'm wearing the big polos man i'm like how can you guys like you know like one guy from boston uh at the woo ha he was like yeah man like you threw me off so bad man

like when you went up there i thought you were just like a douchebag jock dude yeah you really just have low self-esteem yeah man like i'm not trying to like intimidate anyone man like yeah i guess it's just the way i look that's so funny i didn't get like low self-esteem yeah i just got like that you're like quite i don't know i guess I'm quiet around people too in the same way where it's like unless you talk to me or like my friend is talking in a group I'm not really gonna open up to anybody just out of like being quiet I don't know yeah man I don't know man like I've always been that way so yeah in my head I'm like you know why would you not even in a low self-esteem way but it's like why would we talk not not even or i guess that sounds kind of douchey but you're exactly right it's like

especially when you're around it's like it just feels made up that we're even doing this to begin with like being like oh hello like uh unorganically i guess is always weird to me yeah man it's like it's like that moment when you're like a a circle, like not like a circle jerk, but like, yeah, you know, you're in like the green room. Yeah. And it's like all the big swinging dicks. Right. They're like, dude, man, like, you know, I saw fucking Chappelle last week.

Right. And you're just like, yeah, man, like, like, this is my eighth time going up. Like, I'm just happy to be here. Yeah. Yeah. And then they'll be like are you gonna fucking say something dude and then you just say something fucking stupid yeah yeah you say something you're like oh i shouldn't have fucking opened my dumb mouth yeah like i'll i'll be in the

green room and i'll be like with all these like headliners and stuff and i'll just be happy to be right you're like this is so cool to be on a show of that magnitude right get like be able to watch all those guys and and then there's a point where I'm like, dude, you haven't said anything the whole time. I'm like, I got to fucking say something. And then I'll say something, dude, and 90% of the time, people look at me and they don't even acknowledge it. It's because, no, I've had that so many times where you're like, all right, I'm going to

say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to do it. And first off, no one's thinking that much like speaking as much as you are in that moment and then when you do it this is what i do is like i'll always try to project something like super loud so it's heard and like i'm like all right i'm making a statement i'm trying to make a fun like a joke or throw something into the conversation and then it just turns into me randomly yelling something in the middle of a conversation yeah like you fuck it up yeah yeah yeah and everyone just like what and i'm like nothing please kill me uh don't talk to me ever again i think that's

funnier though than like actually like trying to say something funny yeah yeah just like being like listen guys like i'm trying to fit in yeah exactly yeah yeah i'd rather say that just like please like me or whatever like like there's been some headliners who were like look man i love the fact that you just don't say anything and you just shut the fuck up yeah they're just like i'm so sick of kids your age coming up to me and asking me for advice and they don't shut the fuck up and i'm like all right man like you know good you know you go that's kind of crazy you said that to me also but i was just wondering man like any tips that's like that was my biggest now that we're on the subject as as like a younger kid like that was my biggest mistake like the first few like friday night shows i was on i'd be like look i have nothing to say like what should i say so i would just ask people like for advice yeah like

not like the advice you would think about like an open mic like the wicked annoying people right right right yo dude give me the secret sauce bro yeah yeah fucking get away from me yeah they would just be like yeah man like you guys have any like networking tips like on how to like socialize that's a good question and uh i realized like that was kind of like a selfish act in a sense i was like yeah you're bringing yourself into the conversation in a selfish way. You're like, hey, bring that shit over here. Hey, give me what you're selling. Exactly. No, I used to do that too where for some reason in my head, I used to always think it was a good...

My first year in comedy until I realized that... Because you get broken within the first year where you're like, okay, this isn't like, there's a, there's a network and scumbaggery to comedy. Yeah. Like a lot of dick sucking.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Once you realize it's not just, you know, how many years you've been doing it. My big question to everybody at every open mic, a lot of the time I'd be out like smoking a cigarette with people that, and I'd just be some random guy that would walk up to you and be like oh that was great man

how long have you been doing it and i didn't realize that was almost like an insult that becomes an insult after a certain point where it's like a guy who's been doing it for eight years is gonna take that as like fucking eight years like i you want fucking don't bring that up to me right now you know what i mean uh and so i i stopped asking that but that was always my big one in the beginning where i thought i was asking a good question where it's like how long do i have to take how long do i have to be in this to be as good as you was my question but a lot of people i think took it as like you've been doing it for seven years you know what i mean? Whatever the fuck it is.

Dude, yeah. And you just want anything in the beginning. Like, you know, it sounds so desperate, but it's like, I just want to be some kind of connection with you. Yeah. I'm a stranger. Like, we don't know each other from a hole in the wall, and I'm trying to create something with anybody in this world yeah you're trying to

create like a network and like people would always bring that up and i'd be like wait a second so it's not just who's funny gets booked right right right right that's also what you threw me off and i like couldn't sleep at night yeah i heard that and i was like oh i can network i was like i'm so fucked yeah i'm never gonna make it and i still feel that way man like i fucking feel so uncomfortable just being like hey man like i heard you know this guy like can i get on that show yeah can i get on this show and like that's how people are they're like hey like you just gotta be straightforward man like can i be on the show and if they say no they say no but dude that fucking eats my soul alive man you know yeah in the beginning it's it's

hard to do that and like also you don't really think about like there was always a guy who was like super funny he's like an older guy uh always like great at open mics and he would do shows but his big thing he had like crazy integrity i don't think he does it anymore but he was like this fucking unreal funny guy but his whole thing was i don't ask to be on shows like and i think it was a little bit like uh no self-confidence i'm not sure but like to us it was like oh shit we shouldn't be asking to be like because when you start off it's just kind of like i don't know what the fuck i'm doing yeah so you just email someone you're hey, shot in the dark here. I do the thing you run a show for. Nobody fucking answers.

You have no idea who I am. Yeah, man. It's such like a fucking, I wish people understood. Like people, most people don't understand comedy in the sense that like, I've had people come to shows and they'd be like, dude, so like, when are you going to like sell out a show? And I'm like, are you disabled? Do you have any idea what you're saying right now?

And then there's other people who, like, downgrade it significantly. They'll be like, so, dude, like, you just been doing open mics for the past fucking four years? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah. Like, that's how it is. You're like, I might be ten years into this doing that. Yeah.

And, like, I don't know, man. It's just, like, so hard to explain. I just wish people understood, like, how fucking degrading it is just bomb dude and like yeah it's almost more like bombing is like there's a little bit of integrity to it because you're like i'm trying to put myself out there it's almost like get like my my huge i mean i know this is with everybody and i've gotten over this just because it's so digital. And I understand that like, I'll probably read something that someone sends me and it'll say red or it'll show that I read something. And then I'm like in the middle of dry and like,

I want to answer them like fully, but I won't respond until like two days later. I'll forget to respond. Cause I'm a fucking pothead. I just forget to do things. Um, but that used to irk me so much and like kill my like confidence was emailing someone and then just that little

fucking facebook messenger bubble seeing like when it shows their profile and not a check mark ah they used to kill me we're like bombing yeah it does suck but you're like at least i'm trying to do something here when it's like hey i'd love to send some avails for your show and then they just don't even respond i'd rather them just be like no yeah like i don't want you on my show yeah i'd rather them literally type in all caps lock eat my fucking nuts yeah honestly yeah you suck give up anything anything dude yeah but i also understand the other end of it like i've booked a few shows like we when we used to run house of blues there would just be and we were we used to try to be good about that we'd be like if you emailed us we'd at least fucking email you back or try to be like we're

super busy whatever the fuck it was um but yeah it it it's always heart-wrenching when you send avails or and that's also good too like once you're in it like mc-wrenching when you send a veils or... And that's also good too. Once you're in it, like McGreevy's. Did you ever do McGreevy's? No, man. Honestly, when this whole virus started, I was just starting to go... Starting to break into that.

Just starting to break into Boston, I guess. Yeah, yeah. And I guess it's hard to explain. I felt like I had such a comfortable lifestyle with my job. And I feel like I was just at a comfortable point in my life where I wasn't even really going to open mics. I wasn't really set on. And then there was a period right before the virus where I was like,

dude, I'm 100% focused. I'm going to go in. And I would take the T up to Boston. Yeah. It's not an easy feat for you to get there also it's like an hour and then i took the t up and i just walked around like i didn't even go to a fucking open mic i was like i was so late to the open mic and i was like where were you going i was going to um it was above it was kind of i think i messaged you the night it was like near bill's bar or something it was right outside of the garden oh okay it's like an upstairs and they were like

they were going to turn it into a club oh is it white bull it might have been the old hideout tavern yeah yeah yeah upstairs and like so the first night i go and like i was wicked late like i suck at like um transportation sure so the next night i'm like all right i mean the next weekend i should say when they had it again i was like i'm just gonna drive yeah i drove like my fucking i drove my fucking 12 mile per gallon truck up wasted so much gas there was nowhere to park so i parked in the fucking garden parking lot yeah it's like 60 dollars oh and then like you said before like you were like 65th or something dude i was like 100th yeah i showed up like and they had the lottery so you have to like your hand oh god i was legitimately last and i was so tired from like working everything i went back into the garden took like a legit nap like a fucking four hour nap yeah and i came back and there was still like

20 people left holy shit so i'm like this fucking sucks dude the last five people they're like listen guys like you all fucking suck like we're gonna give you three minutes oh my god so i just like ripped it i was like i'm just gonna fucking shred like the best jokes yeah yeah yeah and i tried like as hard as i could there's no way to win at that yeah i didn't even like really try my hardest but i was just like dude just like there should be no fat on any of these right and uh next thing you know do i get like a message and they're like hey we want to like book you for like oh nice okay cool the actual shows right the weekends and i was like really like i did three minutes and they were like yeah man like you're like disabled yeah we thought you were great and i was like really like holy shit yeah

and that like so i had like a pause like and then like people started like messaging me right i wasn't asking but like once you get one thing it's it's it's oddly like you hear like bigger actors and comics whatever talk about like having heat and like you can have that within a local scene for shows i think you can have like microcosms of that where it's like, you know, you get one show and then there's also ways to like word. But but like that's like a genuine booking. Yeah, man. It's not like you being like, hey, do you have any spots? It was so different from like I'm not going to say like the Rhode Island scene, but just like what I was used to.

Right. Just going to open my bombing. At least it was worth it. The $60 was worth it. I was like, I guess it was worth it. Yeah. But then like literally like it was like the next they were like yeah like we're booking you for like a saturday show and it was like my birthday weekend yeah like april 20th and i was like fuck this would be

awesome yeah oh yeah yeah april yeah yeah it's like life changing that's just the heyday of yeah i was like i just guess it is what it is man but like everyone's been in that situation but yeah it's funny like yeah i was just starting to like break in and it was just like so different dude it was weird man yeah no that's such a great feeling like because then you start to get in or it's not crazy to email them after like with begreevies or like any of those bar shows where it's like all right i know i'll have at least one a month given i don't completely blow the last one i did yeah in terms of like availability you're not just like randomly reaching out to this new person you already have some rapport with them yeah man it's just like

i can't explain it man like it's like boston and like rhode island are so different in the sense like when i go to boston i feel like i'm literally in like goodwill hunting it's like like i've been in new york city too so it's like you have like a a great i think i'm such like an independent person like just like it's just so much fun to just go there and like look around sure yeah whereas rhode island's like what the fuck like yeah there's not much going on so it's like right you can do the whole city in about a yeah you could five minute walk and it's like yeah i don't think the payoff is as high sure i'm not i'm like like bashing i'm just saying no no because i like coming to rhode island like you uh i'd been that like from comedy i'd started coming down here more and like it's definitely i mean fucking during

the pandemic it's like the only club that's been open uh yeah in the northeast essentially other than that soldier old guy in new jersey or whatever but um but yeah i get what you mean it must be like that with like new york for me like when i go to new york it's like oh i'm so nobody here even in boston i'm like i'm so nobody like within this world like stepping into like a comedy like a new comedy scene i guess uh you're really like okay i fucking i got some more work to do yeah that that's like um i don't know man i remember being at like this open mic in rhode island and when i was there like obviously like i mean it's not a big deal but like nobody was watching nobody was like right it's just like a typical like you could tell within like the next few weeks like it was gonna get shut down yeah yeah yeah i just remember like this dude going up

and i just feel like at some point man like he's just like dude i'm sorry man but it's like i can't fucking watch this dude i mean like it's like uh it was like some like bisexual dude and i was like i wonder like what he's gonna say like what his jokes are gonna consist of like and obviously you know like he's talking about sex dude right and i'm like this is fine like i can handle this yeah he starts talking about like he's talking about sex, dude. And I'm like, this is fine. Like I can handle this. And he starts talking about like, he's like, yeah, my boyfriend fucking railed me up the ass. Next thing you know, there's fucking blood everywhere. Oh my God.

And I'm like in the first row, like I'm going upstairs. I don't know how much longer I can fucking do this. And it made sense to me at that point. I'm like, now I understand like why people are moving upstairs yeah whereas boston it's like you see these comics and it's like you have like douchebags who are like yeah fucking placed at the comedy festival and they're just like don't do me they're like chads but then you have like these other comics man you're like dude this guy is fucking hilarious yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's like, the best comic is actually funny on stage, like genuinely hilarious on stage, and then off stage will talk to you than anybody. You know what I mean? Just like, you know, when an older comic talks to you like a normal person, and then there's others that like, you know, kill on stage and then won't even fucking look at you yeah that's i forgot where i was going with this point but it's all right dude i'm following i'm just i'm fucking talking in circles no like if an older comic talks to you yeah it's like uh basically it makes your world man like yeah like i'm trying to think of like

tilson and like jimmy cat like all them, like those guys are like actually funny and then they'll actually fucking, they're a normal person on stage. Oh, Jimmy is like hands down, like one of like the nicest, nicest dudes on earth. Yeah. And I remember, dude, I remember going the first Boston show I ever did. Jimmy was on it, dude. And it was at it was at Nick's Comedy Stop. Yeah, it was like a Saturday show. And I was so fucking nervous, dude. I remember going there and I saw Jimmy. it dude and it was at uh it was at nick's comedy stop yeah it was like a saturday show and i was

so fucking nervous dude i remember going there and i saw jimmy i think it was a caitlin mcphee sure and just like all these other like killers dude sure yeah yeah and i had no idea who they were yeah and i took a look at him i was like i wonder what's gonna happen and when i walked in dude i was wearing a super mario shirt and the bodyguard was like dude don't fight anyone what who's sammy i don't even know man he was like dude just don't fight anyone please and I'm like dude what I'm on the show man like what are you doing dude just like don't fuck anyone up and I'm like okay like what but I remember like I was so nervous but like the first people I had to watch were like Jimmy and Caitlin and they just fucking murdered yeah i don't know if i could do this yeah

oh my god that's isn't that the worst feeling when you're on like like now it's different because like when you do a great show there's a little bit of that fear of like i don't want to be the guy to bomb on the show everyone's killing but now it's almost like well it's a great that it just means that's a great show like there's more of a chance of me doing better on the show because everybody's doing better but that first time any first I do, like the first time I'm doing a show, it's always so scary to go up on stage, especially after everybody else is killing. I'm going to be the one guy. It's better to, I mean, obviously it's better to be the guy that's like, that guy was the best. It's almost more prominent to be the guy that only like that guy was the best it's it's almost more prominent to

be the guy that only bombed you know what i mean like to be the one guy that's like yeah everyone was great but that fucking one guy in the middle what was he even going for yeah man it's it's so satisfying like seeing your friends bomb oh it's so sickening yeah but like yeah dude i remember like because that was when i was 21 so at that point in my like journey i guess when i saw other people like i wouldn't say i had the same mindset that i do now yeah like over the years like it's so satisfying to just like want people to do good yeah like because it makes like such a good show yeah yeah those shows were like everyone like brought something different but it was like such a good show yeah those shows were like everyone like brought something different but it was like such a like a positive atmosphere right right right whereas like earlier

on i was like i hope this guy eats fucking shit it was such a terrible mindset no i know what you mean though it was just like an honest mindset i was like i hope i fucking crush this dude yeah yeah yeah but now i'm like dude i hope everyone fucking kills man yeah for the for the show's sake and your sake in within the show you're like i hope everyone fucking kills, man. Yeah, for the show's sake and your sake within the show, you're like, I hope everyone does great. But I do get that from the beginning where you're like, if this guy does bad, it'll make me more confident that I'll do better. Dude, when I started off, there was no better feeling than going up

after someone just ate shit. Going up after a bomb that you're like okay i know yeah i'm gonna do well after this bomb is a great feeling you know why he bombed yeah yeah the things he was saying yeah he or she was just fucking out of this world right up right right but then there's some where it's like i'm gonna bomb too yeah yeah yeah yeah there are ones where it's like okay that person just did material like their normal material in front of me that i've seen work and that was just a bomb like it's there's a point when it's the audience yeah it's mainly the audience most of the time like in an open mic setting and shit like that yeah like but you know a nick show is a little different

obviously yeah man there's some shows where you're like no matter what i say or no matter what i do like i'm gonna bomb yeah you just have to like fucking somehow grind through it, I guess. But yeah. Yeah, man. I don't know, because that's what like I was going to ask you this in general. Like when you're like because you're from Massachusetts, are there like parts of Massachusetts where you're like, wow, these people are like really nice. And then there's parts where like, wow, these people are fucking dicks. Yeah. I mean, I grew up. So so i'm from quincy i still live there uh and i get i don't know it's funny i was just talking about this yesterday where i'm a novelty outside of mass yeah or i guess like new england like if i go up to new hampshire even rhode island was a big one yeah

i'd get easier laughs on shows just based off how i sound we're in boston it's like yeah go on like it's kind of like they know me or they know the type of guy i am whereas like in other places i'm not that and i've seen that firsthand dude like yeah the first show we were on together people were pissing just because of your accent just the way i sound i'll say stuff and like my whole family sounds like i've tried to do a joke about it forever but like my honestly my family does all sound this way and a lot of people think i fake a lot of this yeah uh it's unfortunate to say the least my the joke i used to do with my my uh i have a three-year-old niece and my mother watches her a lot and my mother was i walked in on my mother one day teaching her how to say the word yogurt.

But she was like, yogurt. She kept trying to get my niece to say it. And I was like, that is not how we do it. That's not, there's an R in there. But yeah, I guess, what was the question? I'm fucking all over it. No, you were saying like your accent does better in Rhode Island.

Oh yeah, it kind of becomes a novelty outside of there. But you know, I don't, I try not to lean on it too much. Yeah. I try to have the jokes actually be... Do you try not to lean on it because you feel like there's other guys that have the same accent? I mean, yeah, when I started, my main thing was like, I don't want to be the Boston guy, even though I've kind of pigeonholed myself into that.

Dude, I think the Boston guy is hilarious, man. The Boston, yeah, I guess it's just being... pigeonhole myself into that dude i think the boston guy is hilarious man the boss yeah i guess it's just being for i grew up the street and not that there's anything wrong with being the boston guy but i grew up just grew up down the street from steve sweeney my whole life okay and his whole thing is you know like he's the boston like all of his jokes are boston based like hyper local i'd like to be the guy that just so happens to be from boston that sounds like this yeah that's talking about anything you know what i mean like i don't want to be like state troopers huh you know like i don't know fucking donkeys yeah yeah yeah and a

lot of my videos unfortunately go that direction but i try to have some nuance with it yeah that's kind of like me and like being disabled like a lot of my videos like geared towards like farting and stuff yeah i would i would love to like switch it up a little bit yeah yeah yeah but then i noticed like those videos just aren't as successful you know what i mean right yeah you gotta give the people what they want that's i mean as crazy as that sounds that is like truly a thing where it's like, wow, this video did better. This sketch did better. Yeah. Because I think like most of the people who follow me or this video gets to can relate to that the most. Yeah, man.

It's just like what people think of you. Yeah. That's like, yeah. It takes so long to change that perception. I've noticed. Yeah, for sure. Like people have always looked at me as like the disabled kid, just like quiet and random. So like for me to break that

barrier you're lenny from of mice of men yeah dude it would take me years to break that barrier i'd have to get a job in corporate delete my instagram you'd have to stop putting i'd have to get a videos of you doing the heavy bag with eyes on i'd have to fucking start contributing to a 401k I'd have to do a bunch of shit and do it consistently for like years on end

but like I don't know man at this point like I feel like cause like the other thing I wanted to talk about was like when this

whole thing started when I first met you like what I liked about you was like you were like one of the people who actually

followed through with sketches too and I was at a point in my life where I was like am i the only one who makes like fart videos and uh i noticed like you were doing it too and like not only doing it but like doing it consistently and that kind of gave me a little motivation i was like maybe i'm not the only one who does it and then i started seeing like other people start to do it man yeah yeah and like dude sketches are so much different than stand-up too oh for sure that that's the other thing it's like as much as i don't want to be like the boston guy it's like i know how to play the character very well i grew up around and like that's why a lot of my video

and i try to put like i have like the boston asmr thing where i just say you know there are those like cut compilations of like things this guy says yeah from this place in this scenario and there's a million of those videos and i'm basically just doing that but i was like i want to have like a little bit of integrity to it i don't want to just like completely be like the boston guy you know the boston version of all of those videos out there yeah uh so i was like i'll add the asmr aspect because i'm a little gay and watch asmr videos and craft videos and slime videos all the time but uh yeah that's a lot of it is just following through with it i was just talking to someone about this yesterday where it's like people will

and it's been with tilson like i'm sure you get it we're like you get it all the time before you start doing videos where there'll be a bunch of comics or whoever just being like oh we should do this video oh it'd be great if we did this oh i'll write this and now that you do them and like i'll do a video like i try to do a video a week and then maybe like a second smaller one for like tiktok or whatever uh my dance videos um and i don't actually do dance videos but they'll be like i'll get a bunch of messages now that's like uh hey i have a sketch for you and it's like no no thank you but no i just the thing is is like just go do it yourself yeah as crazy as that's like the biggest hurdle for people seems to be like just shooting something yeah and then having to i understand it's a lot to do you know

fucking how much work it is but like yeah you just have to do the first one and then you do the first one you're like all right i can do another one like that and then you like you said you just learn all this shit over time you accumulate all this stuff um and then also part of it is like putting out the video a week or whatever in comedy comics are the most fucking like heartless people and uh they're gonna shit on everything you do no matter what yeah exactly you basically have to assume what i started doing over the pandemic was like i know i'm gonna be putting out a lot of bullshit every week to get a video a week out there's gonna be a down week there's

going to be an up week it's just like an open you just have to assume that nine group texts got sent my video and it's like look what this fucking idiot's doing because i because we do that because i do that i fucking friends do that i'm sure friends of mine have done it with my video yeah you know what i mean like and that's just part of it but it's also like at the open mic it's like that's hilarious you bombed yeah it's like, that's hilarious. You bombed. It's like, did you see how hard he bombed last week at whatever open mic? That's just part of it. And I think that's a thing in video and sketch, at least in the comedy world, like coming from a stand-up perspective, is the hardest part for people to get over.

Yeah. Where it's like, I don't want to put out this fucking weird thing where I'm trying. You know what I mean? That's really all it is because comics, for some reason, hate trying. But it's like once you get over the fact that you're not doing it for a comic and you know the first 15 to 35 likes is going to be are going to be comics but then slowly I'm not saying I have a fan base but I have 15 to 20 people that aren't comics that I didn't know before in any other way that are going to go and like my video for the fact of

just liking it. Yeah. And like they genuinely enjoy it. And I think that's the way you build that whole. And now it's like when I put out a video, it's almost like, yeah, Dan has another video out. And I don't even people probably don't even think to like there's that that fear of like, oh, is this shitty? Oh, whatever. I don't care if it is anymore. It's like the cake is made. I'm going to go start making another one. I don't care if you like this cake or not yeah you're gonna make a rain yeah i'm gonna make a fucking rain videos with shitty little videos fly high dude yeah yeah i mean i mean yeah i agree with that um i just like i kind of agree with it but like there's a for me it's like i'll be in the shower dude you know i'll be fucking cleaning my balls dude sure and i'll just get like this idea yeah yeah i mean that's when it

comes yeah it comes at the most rant i'll be taking a shit dude yeah yeah i'll be in the shower i'll be driving down the road listening like avril lavigne dude i'll be like sure yes like this idea will fucking hit me and i'll be like dude let's bring that idea to life yeah and i'll just be like fuck what anyone else thinks like i don't want this thought to just be a thought like you know what i mean yeah yeah people just have thoughts and then they vanish you know what i mean some people sit in their bed and they're like i'm gonna do this day i'm gonna do that day and they don't fucking do it yeah yeah yeah it's like as dumb as that like motivational shit sounds that we've all heard our whole lives and on posters or whatever it's like there's people who like like people love to talk about the theory of it yeah you know what i mean

we love talking about the theory of comedy because we can't do it right now yeah and i'm sure if we were doing it we'd be doing the same thing we just love talk comics love talking about comedy and the fucking art and the ins and outs of it it's the same deal with sketches and anything else or a podcast it's like yeah how many i want to do like a new podcast for myself and i don't know what it is yet i want to do like some kind of theme or something but every week i go to my girlfriend i'm like what if i did this i'm gonna do this this week and it doesn't turn out but like with video stuff or like with your friends you you get like, you know, you get like Coke ideas where you're like, let's start a business and fucking whatever. Where not that I do Coke, but I have. But I'm sorry, we'll cut that.

I'm completely all over the place now. But dude, no one lets me talk for this long. No, I agree. I agree with everything you're saying, except for I don't even disagree with it it's like um sometimes when i'm making a bit like if i have a good idea i'm like 100 motivated to like bring it to life like with that said though there's so much it's kind of like comedy there's so much sacrifice for me that comes with it because like you're on a platform that's all about like altering your image and you know chicks are putting up pictures of them like bending over in front of a Starbucks.

And they're like, perseverance. Yeah. And I'm putting up, you know, videos of like real shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And so for me, that like eliminates the chance of getting laid, basically. Like 100%. Like communicating with any females whatsoever. A lot of people

I can guarantee you are just like completely disgusted but that brings me so much satisfaction like it's just like back to comedy dude like just seeing

someone's face just be like what the fuck did he just say like I just I always want to like I never want someone to be like

I know what the punchline is like yeah you're definitely right when you say there's gonna be farts but you're definitely right when you say there's going to be farts. Right. But you're not...

But how are they being delivered to you? You're not going to guess the idea or the premise or the punchline. I guarantee it, dude. I guarantee it. And, yeah, man, so, like, what I was going to say is, like, I'll never...

I'm trying not to do this, though. It's like, sometimes I'll be like, you know what, man? I just want to make a video, just get a video yeah that fucking kills me man like i want to i want to actually like have a idea that i believe in sure i don't want to like just put up something just to put something up like i want to believe in what i'm putting up you know what i mean yeah that makes sense i do run into that a lot so like i don't know who i made the pact with other than myself but i was like i'll do a video week. I'll just do one a week forever.

And then it became too. Cause like it, like you said, it comes out of nowhere where you're like, Oh fuck, this is a great idea. I'll do it right now. Like I have the time,

I'll do it right now. And also with that side note, it's like when you start shooting stuff or if you have an idea, uh, you like want it finished as quickly as possible. It's terrible. When you, it's a horrible feeling. Cause you're like, all you, it's a horrible feeling cause you're like,

all right, this is a great feeling. I'm going to shoot all this. And then you have all the footage and you're like, all right, it's going to be at least another two hours of editing it, but I can do that now or I can do it tomorrow, but I'm going to do it now because I know I can have a final product and see

if this actually is shitty. Yeah. Um, but it's just like anything else, man. It's like when you start a podcast, everyone's like, eat a fucking dick, dude. And then everything's shitty at the beginning.

Yeah. And then you kind of catch on. Yeah, you just try to catch your groove. You have like a few big ones. It's just like anything else, man. But like, yeah, I remember like when I first, dude, like my favorite, everyone's like always like, dude, like what's your favorite sketch ever? And I just want to pull like a Tom Brady and just be like the next one.

But like, obviously that's not true kiss your son the next one the uh i think that the favorite sketch of mine would be like it was one that like people like were just like i'm pretty sure like at least 30 people had an aneurysm it was like it was about beyblades like growing up playing beyblades and it was like what i felt like when someone would challenge me to a Beyblades duel when I was younger. And dude, I literally went to Walmart. I bought this Beyblades arena, dude. Two Beyblades. I had one of my friends meet up with me. He was pretty overweight.

Sure. And his tits are hanging out. We're both wearing togas in the middle of this fucking park, dude. He comes out of the woods and he's like oh fuck your mother we're just like talking shit to each other i've never seen this one we just rip the beyblades and like ironically they just both explode like they both break apart you guys are too strong and the video the video was like once they broke apart like i showed like um like a scene from like braveheart where he's screaming freedom yeah

i showed a scene from uh the league where he yells uh sometimes when i shit i come and then i show the scene from armageddon where like the asteroids coming down from the sky and just blows everything up yeah and like i just wanted to show everyone how i felt like when i when that happened when that happened yeah and nobody like nobody fucking understood it right like not everyone knows what beyblades right right right dude everyone who played beyblades when they were young totally got it yes yeah yeah yeah yeah so like shit like that like we're like only uh it's kind of like comedy like you're gonna have like the divided room but it's like dude if you can like have that like a niche i guess man yeah it's that i i struggle with that all the time i always

talk to john about that john tilson about that where it's like um where i'm like i don't know if i want to be niche i don't know if i want to be evergreen i don't know if i want to be like hyper topical like i did a kanye divorce video like whenever that happened like yeah i woke up and it was on complex like instagram and it was like whatever came in kanye getting a divorce and i was on complex Instagram. And it was like, whatever, Kim and Kanye getting a divorce. And I was like, I'll fucking do that now. That's super hyper topical right now. And then at 3 o'clock, a bunch of fucking retards stormed the Capitol. And it wasn't news anymore.

So I was like, no one cares about this video. No one's going to stop anymore. I thought that was going to be the topic of the day. And then I'm like, okay, so no more hyper topical shit and then i'm like i go back to evergreen and it's you know and then it's like oh i'll try a niche thing wait what is evergreen evergreen's like you know it can work at any point it's it's it's not topical it's just uh you know whatever it is a joke about the weather essentially yeah man i always told myself not the weather but you know what i mean yeah i know what the weather essentially yeah man i always told myself not the weather but

you know what i mean yeah i know what you mean um yeah man i always told myself when i started to like always be myself and that sounds so fucking corny but it's like i feel i see so many people who are like trying to like like tell jokes about like shit that's going on in the news and stuff i'm just like yeah i don't care about that whatsoever yeah yeah i just want to be like original like i just want to be like a genuine like yeah being who's like not like who's different like i don't want to be like talking about fucking you know yeah i'd rather be weird than topical yeah man but like yeah that is kind of a thing now like especially like to get views like you have to right that that's so that's what it becomes and you going back to like being yourself like as you know corny as that sounds

it is true where it's like i i was making a point earlier i made a side note and i never came back to it but making a video a week you do have those weeks where you're making something that you don't want to make yeah you know what i mean where it's like i could just not make a video this week but you know i have the habit of doing it so much now and i'm like i need it's a fucking a slight addiction i think to be like i need something out you know what I have the habit of doing it so much now. And I'm like, I need it's a fucking a slight addiction, I think, to be like, I need something out. You know what I mean? It is where it's like, OK, I know this isn't me, but I know I'll like write a sketch sometimes where I'm like, this would be great for like another person. And I'm like, I'm going to do it because I want to get something out.

And it like wasn't exactly me and it won't do as well and i think it's because it's like not exactly me and it's like not in the character i can play or whatever it may be yeah it just doesn't feel right in the making of it like when you have a good like sketch or video or idea or whatever like a good podcast you can feel in the room that it's going to be good um i was always raised like, if you build it, they'll come. Sure. Like some bench warmer shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, if you create solid content, like, you know, solid videos. Yeah. Like, people, it's all like word of mouth. Yeah, I mean. I guess I believe that. I don't know if it's true. Like, I don't know how people find out about it. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you were talking about not being able to get like girls from the content you're putting out and i like joking as like no girls watch my videos no like all my shit is like uh middle-aged women like divorcee moms yeah and uh and dudes you know it's all fucking dudes and it's like yeah that's mainly the fan base of comedy to begin with yeah i mean you can't blame them but it's like in terms of girls it's like if you do enough videos and you get like hype around you a little on instagram by like oh john's been doing fucking video john you see john that could get you some pussy brother i mean i don't know i'm coming from a completely different world no No, man. No. No. No. It's the exact opposite.

It's like, you know, I'll go on a date and they'll be like, you know, you're really genuine. Like, you're a nice guy. And then you're like, here's a video. And then they go, you know, I'll be like, yeah, you know, like, we should do this again. And they're like, they'll be like texting me and I'll be like, so like, I just like requested you on Instagram. And you're like, I'm like, oh, I don't have one. I don't know who that guy was. That's what I should have done.

But every single time I was like, you should make a fuck. What are the kids call it? A finstagram. Oh yeah. No, man. You can make a finstagram

just you fucking hitting the bag. Dude, I don't know. No, it's like a heavy bag. No, you know, I have too much pride,

man. Yeah, you know, I know, I know. I have so much pride that it's like, I just send them the Instagram, and I know they're never going to talk to me again.

How many times does that legitimately happen, though? Dude, no. Where, like, they ghost you off of, dude, hand to God every time. Are you serious? Yeah. Dude, I've been on some dates with, like, some smoke shows. Sure. And. You got to get artsy girls.

You got to get ones who are into that i honestly have never spoken to a girl who's mentally there that uh likes my stuff sure sure it's all there's always a catch dude but no dude i've been uh dude i would i would like go out to this was like before when i used to drink like i would go out to the club man i'd meet a girl get her number and the next day i'd be like hey you want to grab some food? And I could hold off for a little bit, you know, like having dinner as being normal. But after that, like when the Instagram part came, dude, I'm telling you, man, every single time they see it and they're like. That's wild. That's so crazy.

It's fucking so satisfying until like you get to like the third one and you're like, okay, this is going to be a problem. Like maybe. And it's been, I mean, mean dude it's been a fucking long time man yeah maybe i don't know maybe it's like you're going out with like i am just me and my videos in real life and i know you are in your videos as well yeah but i feel like you in real life almost are attracting a girl that obviously wouldn't be into uh like a sketch video just like you acting and playing pretend on instagram yeah man i mean where it's like and then you show that side of yourself and they're like oh no no no yeah yeah like dude you have like the fucking dumbest conversations on dates too man like it's like yeah first first rounds of dating though i get it though i get it like girls don't want a guy who's just gonna like fucking like hit a home run like the

first fucking 10 seconds yeah you know like i'm not gonna be like hey like i just want you to know like i do stand-up comedy and i make fart videos like i'm not gonna be that guy dude but it's like they'll meet me and i'll be like so like what do you have a degree in? What do you do for fun? And I'm just like, yeah, like finance. And then like once they see those fucking fart videos, dude, they're like they black out. And I think about it. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just a serial killer.

But like, I guess in my head, I'm just like, maybe I'll fucking find a chick who's like who knows what a joke is. Yeah. Like, I think that's just what it is. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, maybe it's like geographical. Maybe it's like the location. I highly doubt it.

But like, yeah, I just have to find a girl who like thinks that shit's like funny. Yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be like some bad shit, crazy chick. But like, at least like I know, like she'll be like, okay with it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I guess like, so when stand-up

starts up again you that's because like stand-up is a cool thing i think bombing in front of a girl isn't but like you can hold that off for a while if you're a comedian that's like kind of a cool thing yeah and then it's also like you can then add on like and i also make these videos just whatever it's just these videos i make whatever you know it's whatever dude but i don't know man i feel like we're moving in like that like that age where it's like instagram is real life yeah uh it's fucking scary man but like dude like i've done shows in front of wicked hot chicks sure and they're fucking lost but it's funny because like all the dudes get it you know yeah sometimes i'm like am i gay no i'm

just kidding but like dude i remember i did this show once and there was two smoke shows and they happened to go to the same school as me yeah and the name of the school was johnson wales and i would have this i would have this joke i'd be like yeah like i just got out of class i go to johnson wales mainly wales and these chicks were like crying like in disgust they were like I can't believe

he just said that oh not laughing no you don't want a girl you want a girl like you take a joke but then there was like dudes in the back

who were like fuck yeah man yeah yeah yeah and dude I don't think I have yet to like meet a girl who like genuinely

like gets my humor I don't know if that like, gets my humor. I don't know if that makes sense. Sure. All my humor is about not getting girls. It's all about, like, low self-esteem, like, not getting girls, like, being random as fuck. Yeah, yeah. And, like, everyone's like, dude, just be yourself. And it's like, I remember, like, some dude told a joke.

He was like, if you want to get laid, don't be yourself. Like, just don't, dude. That's crazy. He might be right, man. I don't know. Yeah, maybe he's right. crazy you might be right man i don't know yeah maybe he's right maybe he'll fucking prove me wrong man yeah yeah it does make sense man like if you were going out to a bar and just been like a fucking douche and you're like you're like some chicks like oddly attracted to you and you're just like wait a second what like i'm being a

fucking asshole and you're like what's going on like is the world like what's up you dumb bitch i can't believe that worked yeah man like i've seen i've seen dudes hate fuck chicks they'll just be like hey what's crazy yeah dude they'll just be like hey what's up you fucking slut i don't know i guess that's wild yeah i wanted to make a sketch about that dude that is nuts to me i wanted i do not come from that world i'm a much more nerdier artsy yeah i i've always been with like artsy girls and like i mean my girl now for three years hasn't she's not like artsy but like she gets a fucking joke that's that's why how did that happen though like um how did you guys meet so we met like when we dated when we were like uh i was 20 and she was 18 or i was 21 and she was

like 18 19 somewhere in there and we dated for like two months of plenty of fish and she was the only hot girl on plenty of fish because plenty of fish is terrible yeah um and we dated for like two months and then i broke up with her over text because she lived in redding and i lived in quincy and at the time that was like traveling to florida for me and i was just a piece of shit i was a fucking piece of shit 21 year old and then three years ago i was like uh we just started randomly talking again and we got back in with each other and we like live together we have a dog now all this stuff and the main reason i wanted like i remember being like i want to go back to her and like make a real relationship versus just like fucking hooking up with these dummies not

dummies but uh you know what i mean just like i was hooking up with these dummies. Not dummies, but you know what I mean. Just like I was hooking up with some people, and none of them were like, all of them were just like, you know, they weren't getting the jokes, and they weren't into what I was doing, where this girl, Amanda, my girlfriend, understands a fucking joke. At this point, it's been three years,

so it's like, Dan, come on, type of jokes. But, like, in the beginning, she would fucking laugh at jokes. She's funny herself. She makes, like, off-color jokes and shit like that. Yeah, that's awesome. And that's sort of what you want to look for. That's why the fucking, we're still together, I think. It's because there's no, like, faking it at any point in this relationship.

And I think we had it beforehand yeah so we had that little time and i wasn't doing videos when i met her i was only doing stand-up dude maybe that was it man that was it yeah i can't imagine if i like started dating again and been like yeah i got some videos on i got some video sketches because i didn't like i didn't even know you that well like like that long ago yeah you go you were like yeah man i was watching like uh ripping dimes with my girlfriend and i was oh yeah we love them i was like what yeah yeah yeah yeah i was so fun she loved it she thought it was looking fun yeah man um ah what the fuck was i gonna say i don't even remember i had a point but but yeah man i've looked at like because you can obviously see

who likes your videos and stuff like that and i'd be lying if I said I didn't look at like, who the fuck doesn't look, dude? Yeah, that's why it's there. No girls, bro. Straight up dudes. And it's fine, dude, but I'm just saying like, I don't know, you know, my future moving forward. I might just be fucking abstinent forever, bro. Fuck, you know. And like you said, you said dummies, man, but like, might have to do it, man.

Talk to a fucking dummy, man. One of those fucking idiots, dude. But then she's going to be like, what do you do for a living? So I'll do a fucking dummy, man. One of those fucking idiots, dude. But then she's going to be like, what do you do for a living? And I'll be like, oh, I work for Amazon. She's going to be like, yeah, that's fucking nuts. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. When I met my girl, I was a fucking truck driver. I wasn't doing anything.

I got Amanda, like, as corny as this sounds, like she genuinely, and this is why I'm still with her, she genuinely believes in what i'm doing or like you know understands that like i'm making a video yelling at my phone upstairs in the fucking bedroom or whatever it is like in the beginning it was like dan here's how i explained it to her it's like i could either be editing all day and making a silly video or i could be playing video games all day yeah like this is my video i don't play video games so this is my video games that makes sense where it takes like seven

and a half hours out of my day and i'm not there and now i'm starting to make some money with it just like editing other people's stuff oh yeah so it's starting to you know every time i get like a little bit of something or notoriety from the videos it makes it more and more like legit but like from the beginning it was like okay she tells me which videos are funny and i the good part she's like a good drug dealer like i have a guy i buy weed from he'll tell me like when i'm coming to buy weed he goes it's not as good as the last ones and i believe him when he tells me it's good you know what i mean he'll tell me when it's bad and he tells me goes it's not as good as the last ones and i believe him when he tells me it's good you know what i mean he'll tell me when it's bad and he tells me when it's good

and yeah i i'm going on a fucking rant here but i know what you're saying dude you're speaking the truth bro i'm speaking the truth i respect it man no but i don't know man like i just want like i don't think girls understand like how much it's kind of like when girls go get their hair done and their nails done and shit. That's what making videos is to me, man. I feel like I've always needed an outlet. Yeah. I wish they knew how much it meant to me.

The amount of fucking laughs I've had. Dude just fucking up videos, man. Yeah, yeah. Crashing into fucking recycling bins. Right. Dressed up in a do-rag in some random residential neighborhood. Yeah, yeah,hing into fucking recycling bins. Right. Dressed up in like a do-rag in like some random residential neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or just like yelling and like, like, it's just like if they knew like how fucking hard I laugh when I make these. Yeah. And just like if they

understood like my intention of just like making like I just want other people to like laugh. That's like all I want. Yeah. It's like if they understood that, maybe, maybe it would increase my chances but like you know i mean i guess they just want like some fucking douchebag who's drooling yeah yeah you know it is wild with like i mean like the girls i went to high school with they don't like any of my videos i i don't even think i follow half of them you know what i mean like they're like a phase where you kind of moved on from that? Yeah. Like I talked to a few kids I went to high school with and like I'm still in touch. But like I don't like go out and fucking hang with them that much.

It used to be more like, you know, we'd either always be doing comedy or I'd be in like the city or something like that. Where every so often you run into them at the bar and it's like, ah. But like I'm not like connected to anyone from my high school really so i think that might be part of not even part of it just like i'm not like it it seems like the girls i went to high school with are almost in that world where it's like a video what do you mean a video you know what i mean like it's like what are you talking about a video that's like the podcast dude like some girls will message me and be like oh my god you should interview me and i'm podcasting must be sort of cool to girls right no no i don't think any girls i mean maybe a few i don't know i don't think so yeah i mean maybe

i don't think they watch it you gotta do a murder podcast i bet i do i bet girls watch like the episodes with like maybe like some of the chads i've had on just to get like some secret intel like i want to know what he's thinking yeah this is like boy cosmo but uh i think i think girls like um what's that like the bar store show like yeah yeah chicks in the office chicks and dicks yeah they fucking love that shit yeah um no my girl listens to like uh murder pods and like murder yeah i know some people do that yeah i mean honestly man i don't like if you want to listen like it's fine if you don't like pod i wish i could explain podcasting to people too because

like like i said when you start off like there's all those like egotistical comics they haven't told me directly but i'm sure they're like yeah john you can fucking eat a dick that's fucking hilarious man but it's like dude a podcast is literally just like if me and you had a conversation out in public or something yeah we're just recording it yeah it's not talking before and i was like should we save this for the pub yeah yeah it's not like i'm interrogating someone a lot of people will be like can you interview me yeah yeah this isn't an interview yeah this isn't like this is a genuine so how'd that make you feel yeah um so like what what got you into that fuck no dude like yeah yeah it's um what skills do you possess what the fuck dude it's uh i i feel like podcast

everyone i mean in comedy just in the comedy world and i mean fucking any world it's like podcast is now the thing like you almost have to have as like, really? Um, I feel like in comedy, it's like, if you don't have a podcast, there might be some novelty to it, but it's almost like another, it's more, if you have fans,

like you make videos, you make videos, you have a podcast and you do stand up. That's like, I'm in the same realm. And I think that's the best way to do it. Yeah. Because it's like,

if they like the video like i have like i said i don't have a fan base but i have 15 to 20 people that if i put out a podcast they listen genuinely or at least give it a shot i would say i have like 20 to 30 yeah that aren't comics or like your family right they're just good people just people who actually enjoy like they listen to yeah yeah yeah that's what like fascinates me honestly that like you could actually do or like we're capable of doing that you know what i think about all the time and a lot of it is like at this point this podcast is easy for you you have this set up you have the camera set up

you know what to do you know how to edit it but like the the barrier to entry to get it you know the barrier to entry in stand-up is super easy you just fucking go to an open mic you write your name you're 98th on the list you tell some shitty jokes you might get booked on a show you need no equipment you need nothing with a podcast it's lower barrier to entry than making videos and shit but it's higher than stand-up so a lot of comics in the in the pandemic or when quarantine started you saw a lot of comics scrambling i think to like have anything for content and that's when you started seeing a lot of podcasts pop up because you only need a mic and a fucking mixer but i mean you do it far better this is how you should be doing it where it's like two camera angles, fucking nice lighting, all the shit.

Most people will just do a podcast because it is the next easiest thing. And a lot of the time, people will be like, hey, I have a sketch for you. Hey, I'm going to write a sketch for this so you can do it, whatever. They're just doing that because video and sketch is like the highest barrier to uh entry if you think about i think that's why video is such a even if it's a bad video i think it's worth watching more because obviously it's a shorter thing than a podcast but also it's like the amount of work even if it was a bad sketch the amount of work that went into it and the time it took in people's heads might just go like well at least i'll watch it once you know what i mean and then you get better at it and it's like oh these are actually good that's the best compliment

i think you can get in i got it in music any like art form is this is actually good you know what i mean because you're like well what were you gonna say, it's like, if you said it was good, I would have believed you, but actually good. I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. It's more believable. Yeah. I think the biggest difference, honestly, man, is just like the attention span and like, dude, podcasting is, it's hard for me just because like, I'm not a big talker. So a lot of the times when I have people on, honestly, man, like the constant thought is like, maybe I should just fucking end it. I'm always thinking that I'm like, because like the attention span thing is like with sketches, you can fucking you can grab someone's attention like that. If I if I fucking crash into a bunch of trash barrels. Yeah.

Like more more often than not, someone's going to be like, OK, let's see where this is going. Right, right, right. Like a podcast, man, man it's a lot slower it's like a lot of the meat is like in the middle yeah yeah yeah you gotta get it going it's fucking worth it dude like i've you know like right it's like it might be hot harder to get people to listen to it than watch a sketch yeah but yeah the people who are listening to it are there to listen to it yeah you know what I mean? And I thought about myself. I was like, you know what?

I'm just going to put in the headphones and just listen to one of my episodes just to get a sense of what other people are listening to. And there was somewhere I was just like, dude, time flew by. I was like, holy shit, it's already been an hour? Yeah. So that's kind of like what it's like with me. So I listen to other podcasts now, even at work. I'm like, wow, that fucking flew by. Right, yeah right yeah but i mean dude um there's also like an analytics thing so like you can see how people are listening i've only done like their retention rate i only did it once

because it gave me fucking ptsd i look on it and i'm like this was like a year ago or something just to see how the podcast was doing and one of the metrics was like average listening time i swear to god it was 55 seconds dude dude that's enough for a fucking intro i thought that's less than the intro i thought you were gonna say minutes no dude 55 seconds somebody listened for 55 seconds and they were like yep on to the next one i was fucking traumatized that means it started playing and they were like what is this shit they're like wrong video right no no no i mean i i don't have the numbers for us but uh i've done like not three podcasts but i've done we did the boys the south shore boys podcast then we stopped then i did that's tight with emmet delaney and then we stopped doing that over the

quarantine and then we're back to the boys and that's tight numbers it would always be like we have a random listener in europe yeah and like that's that's what you cling to you're like oh we have one guy a week that listens in europe dude this one guy commented and i was like holy shit yeah we gotta comment yeah so i look at this guy's instagram dude he doesn't even speak english. He made a bunch of videos of him in the Philippines, surrounded by chickens just screaming stuff in Spanish. And he commented, I love you. Yeah. And I was just like, okay.

And then I looked at another comment, and I was like, dude, we got another comment. Dude, we're fucking killing it. And this dude just comments, sad to see you only have 100 subscribers. That's a good thing though i was like i mean i guess man because he's like this should be better maybe or he was talking smack it's hard to tell just like it's so funny as a comedian taking compliments like i was doing it i was

like how could this not have more listeners and you were like fuck you dude yeah fuck you man talking shit bro but yeah man i don't know and um i mean it's been an hour can you keep going or you just want to oh no yeah we can keep going damn it's already been an hour yeah it's been an hour but it's how good you gotta get somewhere but no no we're good for now um what was i gonna say um yeah i think just having a podcast is like it yeah i already said this it's like if you have the people watching if you have those 15 to 30 people watching genuinely all the time, it's worth the hour a week doing the podcast. Yeah. It's just like for me, it's like a weekly coffee meeting, dude.

Yeah. I've had some of the best times of my life just like going out, having some fucking donkeys, bro. Yeah. Just talking about life, man. Yeah, those are my favorite ones. Yeah, man. I just don't like take it too seriously, you real, honestly. Yeah, those are my favorite ones. I just don't take it too seriously. That's my biggest fear doing podcasts is sounding genuine and looking gay.

You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Sounding so corny that you're like, what is this fucking douchebag talking about? If I go back and I watch this podcast i'm gonna be like dude you said some corny shit yeah i i always preamble it with like i know this sounds fucking dumb but yeah man i mean honestly though that's just a toxic masculinity just let me be a girl for yeah you know i love podcasting fucking girl time i love i hate john's videos but i love podcasting um yeah i did a podcast yesterday it was a three and a half hour fucking podcast jesus man I hate John's videos, but I love podcasting.

Yeah, I did a podcast yesterday. It was a three and a half hour fucking podcast. Jesus, man. On shrooms. We were all on shrooms. That was like the point of the podcast was like the guy, Old Dirty Boston Podcast, the kid running it, Jason. He was like, I want to do a bunch of comics. There was actually a real estate guy in there at one point.

What? Not at one point. He was there for the whole thing, but it was me. Do you know Big D, the comic? I probably don't know anyone you know. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Another comic, and he was losing his shit. It was just fucking wild.

The whole point I'm trying to make here is I was on shrooms for three and a half hours, and it went by like that, and I was like, what the? It was over, And I was like, God only knows what the fuck I said that I hated. Oh yeah. The whole day, even today, like right talking about it right now on my way here,

I was like, all right, did that sound fucking dumb yesterday when I said that? Did I sound like a douche saying that yesterday? Did I shit on someone that I don't remember? Whatever it is. You can't, you can't think before you say stuff though.

I mean, at least I can't. That's what I mean. I'm like, I think it's good, but it's also like my biggest fear is like someone actually seeing my soul that's deep man i'd rather look back and be like well at least i was honest man yeah yeah yeah take it as you must but like i don't know man the worst is when you say something and you know you were trying as hard as you could to like you were thinking so hard before you said it and you look back and you're like what the fuck are you doing yeah what the actual fuck are you saying i have that a lot in life i always have like dumb guy syndrome or i'm like i i'm a i think i'm i'm not calling myself dumb but like it's i try to

sound more succinct and smarter than I am. Yeah. And I say things, like you said, unconsciously, like when you're on a pod, you're just kind of going and not thinking about it. So you go back and you're like, what the fuck did I say? And there are things that I know I do. Cause I do it in writing like professional, like essays and call it whatever it is like emails to important people.

I'll say words and things that i'm like that's what a smart person would say but it just comes off way worse yeah that was my biggest not even like a smart person it's just like i'm trying to sound not like myself for some reason that was like one of my biggest things when i went to therapy i was like trying to explain to my therapist i'm like do you understand what i'm saying yeah yeah do you get it she was like no i don't but that was my thing i was like she made some dumb ass analogy but like dude fucking i don't know man sometimes i think like because i'm like here all the time like really low yeah if i bring it up a notch dude i'm freaking out i'm like dude you're way too ecstatic right

now yeah i feel the same way myself and i'm dude, you brought it up like half a notch. You didn't even bring it up that much. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm either fucking nothing, like completely quiet, shut off from people, or I'm like full-blown like lunatic trying to say every thought I've had about a subject in two seconds. I always say to my girlfriend and me, like, came up with it where I have, like, little brother syndrome. I'm actually a little brother.

Are you the youngest in your family? Yeah. So, like, you have this thing called, like, little brother syndrome where, like, anytime you're in a room, you don't think you're, like, the important person. Yeah. Or, like, you're always the one to break the i know chapelle has that quote where he's like the youngest always blah blah blah the youngest is

always the comic because they always break the tension and it does make sense but like it's almost it's a asset and a flaw where it's like i think that's what makes me weird and like funny where it's like when i have a chance to talk, I'm so ecstatic to talk. And I'm like almost like shocked that it's all on me now. Yeah. That like like growing up when it was like I was talking, it was like all eyes were on you. And you just scream over each other. I come from one of those families where everyone's talking at once.

And when you have that one moment where you're telling a story or whatever, it comes out so erratically and like all over the place and jumbled because you're like uh hold on i didn't get my papers together to fucking tell this story so it comes off this rushed fucking crazy thing because you're like i might not have a chance to say this again yeah and when you're saying it you're like and fucking and then i get all irritated or like fucked up in my own head and i'm just screaming at this point and that's when everyone's like dan and i'm like no i had a fucking real point yeah that's my whole life that makes sense man but like me i'm more like if i'm too professional yeah i can only sustain that for a certain amount of time right so when i had

a professional job on my lunch break dude i would literally just scream profanities in the parking lot like i just yell vagina dude i'd be in like protein cookies i'd just be saying random shit yeah i'd be yelling like fuck me in the ass like stuff like that into the woods just scream therapy it was an open parking lot but i would just have to let everything out i'd be like what the fuck are you doing dude and like half the time i was there i was in a cubicle and i would just think about like the most i'd be like dude you're thinking way too professionally like and then i would have like these random thoughts like if like somebody came in with like a strap on on their forehead and started like jerking off and i'd be like that's more like it like so that's

how i am i'm like dude you can't you know like if i'm like not myself for like too long i just fucking yeah i get the same way it comes out it comes out in like odd way like there are times where i think i'm being like professional or serious yeah and like now it's almost funny because like i'm not as like inhibited in my personality of like who i act like this fucking lunatic so when i'm talking to someone it's coming across more genuine and i know how to kind of handle it more but when i was younger i was like you know terrified of authority anyone who was like any form of boss i'm still that way where like i'm intimidated by are you like intimidated or you're more like i'm like intimidated and i'm like i'm gonna do the job like i always think i'm doing something wrong and i'm

like i'm doing the job perfectly blah blah blah and then i'll start talking to them and i'll be all jumbled because like i'm trying to filter me as a person, like who I actually am and like how it's supposed to come out. I'll try to filter that into this professional script. And it comes off like, you know, everyone's like, what the fuck was that? Yeah. You think that's a weed thing, though? It's definitely a weed thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I've had that too. You say weed? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, i've been smoking i always i always go back because i've smoked weed since like seventh grade but it was like once every two months for like 10 years yeah and then when i was like 18 19 i started doing it a little bit more and then i always go back because there's been a time i smoke weed like smoke weed every day but it's fucking like when i started smoking like all of the time and became like a pothead i always go

back i'm like that was like two years ago and then i always go back and i'm like well i've been a pothead oh my god it's been like eight and a half years i've just been smoking you think your body's definitely used to it though right yeah it's definitely like my my girlfriend will smoke like at night before bed. And like she doesn't smoke nearly as much as I do. Yeah. Fucking tank over here. But no, no, no. So like she'll smoke like once a night and it affects her like greatly.

You know what I mean? She'll be like, you know, oh, my God. And then she'll always be like, how the fuck do you wake up and do this and then go function and talk to people and go out in public? I'm like, well, first off, I am anxious and don't like going out in public all the time i'm anxious talking to other humans and it's probably all from weed yeah but it's more of a help to me than i think it's a like a hindrance is that a fucking word it doesn't like hinder your basic yeah yeah yeah i think almost like not it's like coffee for people i think at this point where it's like i'm so i've smoked so much it's like when you smoke the first time of the day you're like woo and then the rest of the day you're just doing it to not to sound

like a fucking addict but just to stay like normal or baseline level yeah yeah um where the fuck was i going with that i don't even know. I'm a pothead, dude. I forget shit. I think by now the whole audience is like, this kid smokes weed. Yeah, man. I don't know. I felt like what you were describing, I felt that a lot when I did smoke weed.

And realistically, nothing was wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the other thing. I train myself. I think weed is a good trainer for anxiety and paranoia. was wrong yeah oh yeah yeah that that's the other thing i like train myself i i've thought i think like weed is like a good trainer for anxiety and paranoia also it adds it like it definitely adds way more to my life but i also figure shit out through that anxiety almost yeah like i'll smoke and i'm like oh my god i gotta do this you're fucking worthless oh my god you gotta do more this that the other thing and then that'll help me prioritize whatever i have to do that day yeah man yeah dude it's like uh i used to get wicked like i wouldn't get

paranoid but i would just like doubt myself all the time and then i like once i accomplished the things that i doubted myself and i was like it's all in your head dude yeah exactly like oh well i did it like it's almost like the fear of uh i'll I'll do it all the time, but if I ever drive like after smoking, like two hours after smoking or an hour after smoking when I'm not like freshly high. Okay. Everybody. Um, I, uh, it's like, I think this is such a dumb thing to say.

I think potheads are like real potheads who drive every so often are better drivers when they're high than when they're not high i'm not saying they're better drivers than this is such a dumb theory but you basically are so nervous about fucking up when you're high that you over not even over correct but you make sure that that isn't gonna happen yeah like being a pothead i'm like everyone thinks that i'm a pothead that like the the the stigma with that is like, I'm lazy. I don't do this. I don't do that. I have no motivation, but you're going like 30 and a 50. Yeah, dude, I'm hitting 33. Sometimes it's fucking nuts. Um, I think I just kind of like flip it and

I'm like, well, I can't have that be a thing. I can't have that be a thing. So I go out and actually do some type of work or make a video yeah man for me it was just like uh i feel like even just for you probably it's like you think your thoughts are actually actions but they're just thoughts you know i mean you're letting like your thoughts take over a little bit but realistically you're just sitting on a couch like fucking thinking about it right yeah you're just like oh i just have to go like run or something i don't know for me i mean i stopped like the laughter thing like i would always be fearful of being in a wicked serious situation and just dying laughing.

If I was at a funeral, dude, and I was like, if I took two knees to the pew, I would just start dying laughing. They're like, why is he laughing? Yeah, I think that has made its way into my personality a little bit where I'll be in a conversation with someone and it happens both ways where like i'll be having a not even a serious conversation just not a funny conversation with someone and i'll say something and they'll laugh and i'm like i don't know what the fuck i

said yeah that's also just part of how i sound but that happens every day to me yeah you're like what the fuck i'm just trying to just like hey how's it going and they're just yeah and they're like oh john like that was a fucking good one you're getting better i tell you what you're getting better it's just like a demeanor thing yeah yeah it really is but i think sometimes like uh i'll be doing shit and like someone will say something and i'll be like no like what and i'm like right that wasn't a funny thing i shouldn't have been laughing you ever uh you ever do this though like someone will be saying something wicked serious and you just like lose focus and you start thinking like your

own thoughts uh-huh this is big this is this is big like what i did smoke weed and to this day it's even worse it's like if i'm not like emotionally invested in a conversation yeah dude i'll just think about like the most fucked up shit dude and i'll just start dying laughing and then they think i'm laughing at them so they'll start laughing and then i just keep laughing and it's like they're like this guy is fucking good yeah so it's like just like this awkward like you know like you want to be like hey listen like i wasn't laughing at you if you fell off the back of that shit always just comes naturally you know no yeah and then you have to like that that's the other thing is like you'll laugh and then uh people be like what

and i'm like no nothing i wasn't listening to you i wasn't listening to anything it always happens like in a classroom or like no if i'm ever in like a church setting oh church laughs are like the only oh dude they. They're a nightmare. Yeah, dude. We used to have this deaf guy at my church, bro. Yeah. And he would always sing at the wrong time. Oh, no.

So they'd be like, all right, everybody stand up to sing. And he would just start going at it. He'd be like, all right, it's time. Yeah, dude. Everyone thought he was like Latin or some shit, dude. But those are some good laughs right there, man. Oh, my God. Funeral church laughs are probably the biggest laughs.

With my father, who's like a bully in the church. He's like, look at that fucking guy. Oh, my God. He's a fucking idiot. He's so fucking dumb. Yeah. Yeah, no. Church is the best.

Church laughs are good. Classroom is probably the best. Classroom, like study time was always good. Like when it's supposed to be quiet. No, I think public speaking is the best like when someone's fucking up like they're stuttering oh jesus christ yeah i get so i get like so secondhand awkwardness when that's the thing when like my friend's bombing i'm like whatever it's my friend i'm gonna make fun of him after when it's someone you don't know bombing

you're just like this gets fucking clueless and no one's gonna tell them and i feel bad for them i've been there whatever it is i did uh in high school i was literally the only one in my class it was like for extra credit you can recite something from hamlet or some shakespeare thing and i thought the whole class would do it and i was freaking out all day i memorized this fucking monologue and i was in like theater and shit. So I was like, I got to get the monologue right. And then I showed up. I was the only one in class that even attempted to do it.

And I ate dick the entire time. I was, I kept being like, I was like doing like the look up, like sweating. It was like my first time bombing in real life in front of my class, all of my peers that I already thought hated me. And I'm just, you know, you get in the fucking cold sweat.

You're doing a lot of like, and yee. And I mean, I ended up fucking, my teacher was like, you can just pass the class for the year because you were the only one who attempted to do it. Yeah, man. Like, that's better, though, than making something up. Like, I used to. Oh, yeah. Like a reporter. Two things I used to make Oh, yeah, like a report or something? Two things I used to make up

that were wicked fucked up, dude. One was Bible verses. We used to have to bring in Bible verses every Sunday. Did you go to Catholic school? Presbyterian, yeah, Catholic Presbyterian. So every Sunday they'd be like, all right, bring a verse memorized,

and I never would. I was the only one in the class who didn't memorize it, so I would just make them up. I'd be like... I would literally be like, yeah, Victor walked over to the tree and started talking to the tree and then the tree fell and my teacher would be like you're a piece of fucking shit everyone else in the class that would be like where is that like located and i just be like i like philippines and they would be like okay but what was the was the other thing? It was like Jerusalem. The other thing was book reports, dude.

You're way better off just taking a zero, man. Dude, I had this fucking English teacher I really looked up to. Dude, he actually went to a comedy show, and he had no idea I was going up on stage. He was like, John, good to see you, man. I was like, you do, man. You're like, get ready, dude.

Yeah, strap the fuck up. But dude, I was supposed to do a book report on this book called The Road. Yeah. And I didn't read it. So I go up in front of the class and I'm like, yeah. So this guy was walking down the road. Oh, yeah. You just do like a back of the book read.

He just kept walking. And the teacher was literally like okay and and i was like yep so he just keeps walking and he walks by a house and the teacher again was like all right john and then what happened and i was like read the book and then he got crucified and the teacher was like yeah you're fucking in so much trouble right now. He was like, I've read that book and that doesn't fucking happen. It doesn't. You go. He walked a little bit further than that.

OK, so you think crucifixion is funny? But yeah. Damn, that's great. So at least you try, dude, man. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. That was the thing. I was afraid of authority.

I was like, if I do bad in anything. Yeah, you get a little fucking spank. Yeah, you fucking yell that. I'm going to get fucking yelled at at home. Yeah, you get a little fucking spank in there. Yeah, you get fucking yelled at. I'm going to get fucking yelled at at home. I'm not trying to get into that. I was always a good boy for the most part. Yeah, that would suck, dude, if you had a teacher who was a fucking weird man. Oh, my God.

I had a fucking chemistry teacher that everyone in the school hated. I would hear janitors talk shit about this guy uh like when he wasn't around and like he was the creepiest dude ever and he so i'm a drummer and he uh like cymbals you know if i can symbols the metal crashy things uh i used to play those in church dude yeah yeah yeah uh so he was like you i was completely failing chemistry and he was like if you do the science fair i'll just pass you for the year and i was like okay and he was like i know someone at zildjian which is a giant symbol company they're actually out of norwell mass uh they're like the biggest brand in symbols and he goes i know someone i went to high school with

them i'm gonna get you a tour of the place which was like unheard they didn't do tours as illogical because it's like a secret kfc recipe of metal and and then he got me like a bunch of things to like practice we're doing the frequency of cymbals that was the science fair project and he was like spearheading this whole thing and i swear to god i thought this guy was gonna fuck me one day after like really he just like everything he did for me and how weird he like he sounds like the coolest guy ever on paper but he was such a weird like just like was it gay like was he like no i think he was just fucking like not all there like you know when you meet like a doctor or a scientist yeah not that i meet many in my life but you always hear that thing about doctors and scientists who are like you know they're fucking weirdos like they're neuro

atypical like they stare at walls and don't make eye contact with you at any point autistic if you will um that's how this guy was and he was trying to be cool like every time like i had to come in on a saturday afternoon like alone with him and i was like this is when it's gonna happen i'm gonna have to tell a bunch of people after this that this guy tried to fuck me and i turned him down because i'm too hot for him but no this i mean like it all ended up working out fine but that is like the weirdest teacher mr yeah eldon that was a guy did you look up his criminal record at all? No, but it was that. I seriously have never been in a situation where I'm like,

I think this guy's going to try something. Yeah, yeah. Anything fucking, he didn't. But I didn't fuck my teacher, okay? But yeah, that's the weirdest teacher I could get. I was always likable. I was like a little fat kid. You were that kid that everyone wanted to fuck, dude.

I was the kid everyone wanted to fuck dude I was the kid everyone wanted to fuck I had juicy little butt cheeks and they were the exact opposite dude fuck man were you a skinny kid

no dude have you seen the logo to the podcast it's just a big fat you yeah it's me as a child okay so you were fat but not likable

is what you're saying yeah I was like the kid who like no one wanted to fuck I was cute I had big red cheeks fucking little blue eyes i was also like bringing up drums dude i was in the band oh yeah i was so unfuckable dude i played the

trumpet and my mom was like you should play the saxophone maybe it'll help you out a little bit i was like you know what no i'm just gonna fucking play the trumpet dude and we used to fucking destroy dude we had a we had a band teacher his name was mr delillo we used to call him mr dildo that's how fucked up we were dude and we did a a school like a concert sure in front of a thousand people yeah yeah the high school was there the middle school was there i was in the middle school band so i'm with this kid playing trumpet there was this fucking part dude there's a thousand people watching us and uh so like everyone's playing like these songs and shit and like you'd have to go buy like instruments so like mr dillola was like or mr dildo he goes uh he's like he fucking waved his hands so like

to shut off the trumpets so that like only the flutes would play right so i just started blowing the trumpet as loud as I could. And I was blowing it at the kid next to me, dude. You turned to him? Dude, and that was excessive, dude. Dude, I fucked up the whole concert. Oh my god. Like a thousand people were just like, wow. Me now thinks that's hilarious.

Me in high school, in band, taking it seriously. I would have been like, you're fucking up the performance. No, that's such a great bit. Anytime anything was going like solid i would literally just start blowing random notes dude and trumpets dude i would piss laughing yeah trumpets the most comical instrument to do that with if you had a saxophone and turn to your buddy it's like it's down you know what i mean the horn the mouth of it is down here with the sound the horn you can just present right to his fucking head. Speaking, dude, we used to fuck up drums too, man.

When Mr. Dildo, he left the class, dude. I just remember a bunch of kids taking the fucking drumsticks and just poking holes in the drums. Oh, like jabbing them through the skin? Yeah, like broke them, dude. Oh my God. And Mr. Dildo was traumatized, man. If you're a teacher and you see that you're just like that's my life like you just you just ruined my life like like there goes the

drums that's so funny those things must be pricey too right yeah head is yeah yeah yeah me now thinks it's hilarious me as a high school band i'm like how dare you that was the thing in high school I like I played like football and everything like at the beginning and I played football from like you know seven to seven years old to like 15 60 whenever you're a sophomore and then I stopped uh when I got like six concussions and I was like I don't want to do this anymore uh I high school musical did I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I high school musical did. I was like, Dad, I'm going to go be in theater and band. My parents actually met in the high school band that was the same high school as me. So I'm a product of band geeks.

So it's just been my whole fucking life. But that's what it was, was like, when you're in band, good or bad, like the way you act. Like, for some reason, everyone in the school knows you just because you're always there early you're always like walking around like the back to like move shit for some reason everyone in the staff of the school yeah like knew the band members yeah because they put the arts like over where the janitors hung out nothing better than seeing like a fat chick with a double chin play the clarinet, though, dude. Dude, that'll get you going.

Dude, yeah. I had to join theater to start dating girls because band did not have... Oh, really? Yeah, you had some... Yeah, the clarinets and the fucking oboe section wasn't doing it for me. Fuck, dude. All right, man. We'll wrap it up there.

All right, brother. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for having me. What the fuck? Yeah, thanks for coming over. Thanks for having me on your podcast, dude. No. Thanks for coming, dude. All right, man. We'll wrap it up. All right, brother. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for having me. What the fuck? Thanks for having me on your podcast, dude. No. Thanks for coming, dude. What's the name of your podcast?

Just so people can check it out. The Cell Sure Boys. And then follow me at PukeNightDan on Instagram. Look at all my videos. All right, man. Thanks for coming, dude. I appreciate it. Thanks.