The Johnny Salami Podcast - Dave Caggiano

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

Dave Caggiano by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Oh bro I'm hurting. Dude, doesn't, like, your whole family think you're gay or something? Have you talked to them? i didn't know that well i mean your dad's like one of the coolest guys i've ever talked to but i remember oh really i'm almost positive it was you you were talking to me you were super sad dude you're like yeah my whole family, dude. Like, they always, like, call me gay and shit. I think just when I didn't have a girlfriend. Like, dude, every time...

I don't know. I feel like if you just don't have a girlfriend for three seconds, your family just thinks you're gay. You think that was it? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Or I might think I'm... That might have been all in my head. Probably was fully in my head.

You think you were in your head a little bit? Because you seemed super... I didn't know what to do, man. Like you seemed super upset. I didn't have any good advice for you. So funny. Are you that upset about something I just made up in my own head? Yeah. It made me think too.

Cause like. Made you think about. All my, all my boys, dude, like most of them, like their family thinks they're gay. Yeah. What's up with that? I mean, none of us have girlfriends. We're always like hanging out with each other yeah playing like xbox and stuff yeah you know yeah my mom's the opposite dude like she gets upset when i uh hang out with chicks like once a year she gets upset about it yeah i don't think she does get upset but like in my head it feels

that way right you know this is all i think just in our heads like i upset, but, like, in my head it feels that way. Right. You know? This is all, I think, just in our heads. Like, I feel like moms in general, like, they kind of want to, like, care for you and, like, take after you. So when they see, like, another girl doing that, they're like, all right, this is. They get mad depressed about it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if, like, it's, like, a weird thing, though, because they don't want. I don't think they want you to be gay.

I mean, my mom had two brothers and they were both gay. Really? Yeah, so I might come out soon, dude. Dude, it might happen. Might be in my blood, dude. Wait, that's, they were both, thank you. Maybe that's why I'm hard all the time, dude. Wait, they didn't, you don't think they made each other gay?

My mom's brothers? Yeah. Just having like nonstopstop sleepovers dude they did have the sleepovers for the first however many years of their life yeah that could have been it man like the bunk bed situation yeah yeah that is crazy that you always like sleep with your siblings then one day is the last day you ever sleep with your sibling oh yeah i mean dude i have a sister and like she would have all of her hot friends over for sleepovers dude we were playing like truth or dare and shit bro yeah one of my guatemalan boys 13 years younger than you my guatemalan friend joey like stuck his dick in a bottle

that was literally like the size of that that's the type of stuff we were doing man dude that's crazy and then you showed it you showed it to them i showed him what like he showed it to them or is this just a separate room he did it in front of everyone oh okay it's like truth or dare i was gonna say i thought you guys were just like they were having a sleepover and you were in the next room sticking your dick in bottles no he just did it nobody even asked him honestly yeah it wasn't even truth or dare was he fully naked or you just pull his pants down i think he just pulled his pants down that's a good move be crazy like everyone was like amazed that crazy if you left out the naked part just comes out ass naked yeah that probably has a lot to do with being gay though dude like

the way you fucking socialize you know yeah what's that called socialization socialization oh you think like it's uh you think it's a nurture thing, not a nature thing. I mean, dude, if you're a straight dude surrounded by straight up homosexual men, chances are, dude, they're going to show you the way. They might force you into it, dude. Yeah. I think that's what, uh, I think that happened to my sister, dude. She was surrounded. She was like straight and then met a transgender. Yeah. Who was like, yo, come to the dark side. Your sister's going that way? She's straight again.

Oh. She went back and forth. She trans out of me. Oh, dude, she went back and forth. She went trans. Dude, really? How far did she go to the other way? All the way, man.

All the way to the dark side. She cut her tits off? Oh, all right. Oh, no, my sister didn't transition. I meant she, like, went to the dark side sexually and then came back. You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't say that. It's not the dark side.

No, it's not. It literally is the dark side, though. It is the darker side. What, um, so you, so she went, she went gay for a little. She didn't go trans for a little. Well, uh, I mean, dude, this was in high school, bro. Right. There was, I don't even know if it was a man, I think.

It was a woman who wanted to be a man. Went to be a man, yeah. I think. I don't know how she was feeling, dude. Yeah. But her name was Anita. Dressed like a dude. Dude, super cussed.

I need to cut my dick off. I need a haircut. No, dude, dude, super cut. I need to cut my dick off. I need a haircut. No, dude, fucking literally, bro. Make your dick off. Yeah. Yeah. Her name was Anita. Dude, shaved head, like super cuts, buzz cut, bro.

Nasty. Dressed like had the fucking, the gangster hat, dude, sag pants and stuff. Yeah. Looked like a few of my boyfriends. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Your boys. Yeah. She looked like a few of my boyfriends. Yeah, yeah. You know? Your boys.

Yeah. She looked like just eight of you. Yeah, but dude, she got my sister good, bro. She brought her over, man. Really? Yeah. You think that was like an influence? I think she was forced into it. And I'm not just saying that because I hate gay people.

But wait, here's my thing. So she was born a girl, transitioned to a man. Your sister, did they hooked up? I mean, I didn't see any of it, man. That's still, I think, technically, technicality. I think she's still straight. Because she was born a woman. Yeah, this was in high school, man.

So this was back when... She could get off, like, in court. This went to straight court. I think you could argue that as a technicality you think she's like a loophole in the law yeah i think so especially back then dude i don't even think they would know what to do no man they might just kill her yeah like on the spot yeah fully but even dude when i was in high school man that wasn't even like a thing really the whole trans thing nah it wasn't that popular no so she like started the movement, I think. Yeah. Do you think she started the entire like countrywide movement?

I think so, yeah. I think you're probably right. I don't think there was just like weird. I think everyone in high school that was just like, I think we just called them gay. I think they just all fell under gay. You know what I mean? I mean, we're still calling everyone gay. Yeah.

So it's like, you know. That's pretty good. That's pretty true. Yeah. So I don't know. Maybe I'll just come out as trans to my family. calling everyone gay yeah so it's like you know it's pretty good that's pretty true yeah so i don't know maybe i'll just come out as trans to my family they won't even they'll have no idea what to do yeah dude you'd be a fucking i can't even sick yeah i can't even look at you right now dude bro you thinking about it dude getting a little hard man problem is i'm like hair i'm like a hairy guy so like yeah even you

you shaved it i can't even really you think i'm like a girl it's just weird when you shave man like it's like yeah it's not often dude why are you shaving dude you going down on chicks yeah but i'm trying to grow the stubble i'm trying to leave a mark oh shit i mean like an imprint yeah what would you imprint dude my just my like my stubble oh you wouldn't write anything yeah no i would oh i know i would fucking dude i'll wear like a headband with like a symbol on it and then so i go down on my press it and then when i leave it's there it's like a branding oh so you wouldn't even need her out you just use your forehead yeah dude madge you go down you go down on a chick. You press your forehead against her.

You just yell something. She's like, no, you yell, is that good, baby? Like at her vagina? Yeah. Yeah. You look heads fully underneath her. That would be cool if you, like, head-butted her and then said something, like, mythological. Yeah.

Like, Odysseus. Yeah, like, you say freedom. you fucking run and headbutt it. Like a Braveheart type shit? Yeah, yeah. That'd be wild, man. That'd be pretty insulting. I think guys need to start doing that more, man. Yeah.

Leave, like, a real mark. Freedom! Yeah, because, like, girls are always talking shit about guys eating, I mean. Yeah, dude. But they don't even, they don't know how to do it i mean you have a joke about it but you actually think you're like that bad at it no no no dude it's all fictional i'm just being humble i'm sick at it dude dude i'm humble on stage in real life i'm sick at it that's all i was thinking when you were saying i was like dude there's no way there's no way

dude you know yeah bro i've showed you a few things. You doing like the alphabet backwards or like what's going on? Dude, I'm fucking, I'm doing, dude, I actually looked up a video recently. I don't know why. Don't ask me. This is like, dude, these are in the depths of like whatever. It's called, dude, it's like a fucking, it's like a tutorial on it. So funny. It was this, it was called the Kiven method, dude. The Kiven method. Kiven? And I was like, what on it so funny it was this it was called the kiven method

dude the kiven method and i was like what yeah kiven isn't that the cop who fucking killed yeah that's the chauvin method yeah that's when you put your knee on the pussy dude you put your knee on the pussy and then you go to the fucking district court yeah dude people make signs picketing you play that you play that rap song breathe yeah dude and all the hoods of america they're painting murals of your girlfriend's vagina after you give it the chauvin method just says kevin though yes anyways there's just some like this like fat goth kid and his like

goth girlfriend and his like goth girlfriend and he was like giving a detailed explanation on like how to eat vagina and uh the all the kiven method is is like it's instead of doing it like straight on like you normally would you just do it from the side like the left or the right doesn't matter uh nah i don't i don't i don't think that matters but you're gonna fucking yeah i should fucking email rewatch it dude dude he should rewatch it tonight dude his girlfriend came the loudest fake com of all time oh it wasn't real no dude he like touched her also he said the way to know that she's warmed up and ready is if you brush your nose over the clitoris. Wow. Then he did it, dude, and she, like, screamed.

Swear to God, dude, she screamed. What was the content? Like, what were you doing when you were watching this? Was it before you went to bed or something? Bro, I literally, I'm not joking, I, like, was not jerking off. I literally was just, like, fucking doing research, dude. You're on the subway. No, I was talking about it with someone about it,

and, like, I think they were, like, said they saw a tutorial. So I just, like, Googled that. I would do the same thing, man. Yeah, you could. Just to, like, figure it out. Dude, we should make a Kiven Method video. Just hire, like, a power washing company. Tell them to shoot it and direct it.

Yeah. I mean, dude, I know boys know boys who like when they were having sex for the first time they like stuck it in the girls like a pee hole oh really yeah which is wild rammed it in there yeah dude i don't even that's like phase almost physically impossible they might have been doing brave it was like the intention though like they thought it was like you know i mean that kind of makes sense though if you're a rookie dude yeah it's also like it's just you're not like looking dude you're just fucking yeah i mean you and i though dude we're watching bang bros at the age of like four dude you know what i mean so it's like that's why we're here blindfolded dude yeah you don't end up like this

if you're not like if your mind isn't completely destroyed by pornography oh man that would be sick though dude to not watch porn until you're, like, or even have sex until you're, like, 30, dude. Yeah. Imagine the fucking rope you would shoot, dude. Yeah, you'd be crazy. You'd probably pass away. Yeah, but you'd be so pumped.

Dude, there's a lot of shows where people, like, get married and they're, like, virgins or whatever, and they, like, or it's like their first kiss they showed on film it's pretty insane really yeah they're like eating faces dude eating faces oh man i watch a lot of those like uh disability dating shows too like love on the spectrum and down with love a lot of face eating the second one's like the the downs down yeah i feel dude they're just mad eager they're just like so full of love you know yeah they got that extra strength too yeah if you're

a bad kisser you shouldn't you should not feel bad i mean you know i like had to learn how to kiss at like a fucking food drive dude like you ever try and like your hand no dude i had a pocket pussy for a while though nah dude kissing my hand is too fucking that was too much too gay dude i went straight to pocket pussy dude i mean i got a uh i got a pocket pussy at a pretty young age how'd you acquire that second hand oh spencer's dude oh they had those 14 man i'm not gonna lie dude dude if you're if you're a desperate man which i know a lot of these listeners are dude yeah get a pocket pussy dude really it feels legit dude do you lube it up this stuff yeah dude it feels like you're like having sex with a rotisserie chicken dude that's sick except you're not that's exactly what

a vagina feels like a rotisserie kind of does in a way have you ever stuck your hand in a chicken fully no dude we gotta head over to the barn bro a live chicken every time i see a rotisserie chicken all i'm thinking about is sticking my dick in it dude really that's all i'm thinking. Dude, Thanksgiving must have been insane for you. Dude, I didn't even have a turkey, bro. You just sit in there hard as fuck under the table. I just did it with lasagna, dude. Dude, also, dude, who needs a pocketbook so you can just buy fucking Barilo pasta and

some ground beef? Yeah, fucking Chef Boyardee, dude. Yeah. Dude, there's actually a lot of things, dude. It's pretty accurate, pretty accurate probably makes that stuff fucking uh chef boy is it yeah is that the brand yeah yeah oh it's chef boy dude imagine going on a retreat where you're just smashing chef boy rd with your dick be sick it'd be like your own type of retreat oh my god your retreat would just be to your bedroom with a can of chef boy rd

you just charge people five hundred dollars to sit there even just being on a beach dude like in a beach chair and just like doing like doing missionary with it oh imagine seeing that dude imagine going on a date with it yeah like a steakhouse dude you would Starts giving you looks across the table. Oh, dude. You bring it to the bathroom. Dude, yeah, you take it slow. The waiter's like, all they hear outside is like, oink, oink, oink.

And you're like, fuck, I'm out of here. Dude. Walk out with a can of Chef Boyardee. Dude, you would go to jail for so long. You're like, it's fucking love. What are you looking at? Dude, you would go to jail for a while, man. Yeah, but what would they charge you with, dude?

No, dude. That would be tricky, but I'm pretty sure you would. That's the irony, dude. You start in the can, you end up in the can. That would be cool to take it slow, though, dude. Have like a... Yeah. Like you're at dinner and you're like, hey, listen, I don't want to do anything tonight, but...

You're taking it mad serious, too. I'll have the lasagna. She'll have the chicken Caesar salad. And the waiter has to serve you, too, dude. Yeah. Can't disrespect you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If she does has to serve you too, dude. Yeah. Can't disrespect you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If she does, dude, you let her know.

Don't fucking disrespect me. Yeah. You just hit on my girl. You just hit on my fucking girl. Can you get the manager, please? SWAT team comes in, dude. Fucking shoots the can, dude.

You're like, I can't even remember if I fucked around with chef boy ID, dude. I don't think I ever really had that. I feel like I always did when I was at like a fancy person's house. That's like a rich person type. Really? My dad said the same thing recently to me.

They never got, they thought it was for rich people. No joke. It might be. I think it's pretty pricey maybe yeah but it's inflation now plus dude the fucking the instructions on that thing must be wild i think it's just heat up bro i think i'm not joking it might be the easiest instructions on any food that's ever existed. Yeah, but dude. The instructions just eat.

You're telling me there's no chance late at night, one night. Bro, what do you think? You're like mixing chemicals and like prepping for hours for a Shanna Keff or Chef Boyardee, dude. Yeah, but dude, I know you and I know me and I know there's a chance there would be like a night where like one of us would like look at the can and just be like, nah, dude, it's too much. Oh, it's too much. What do you mean? It's too much, like too hard to make.

Oh, I thought you meant like I can't be with you anymore. No, you meant like it would get to a point where we're like, I can't do this anymore. Yeah. We have to end this. Yeah. Bro, I was eating like fucking Hamburg helper and, spaghetti all the time when I was younger. Dude, you still basically eat that. You've, like, upgraded, like, what it is.

Like, you eat, like, fucking nice, like, 100% Angus lean beef. Yeah. But it's still basically the same diet. Yeah. Yeah, but, dude, Hamburg Helper, bro, that's another breed. I never had that either. Was that good as fuck? Dude, those commercials made it look like unreal.

Bro. I'm not joking. Honestly, dude, if like a 70-year-old guy took a shit on mac and cheese, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference, dude. It's like the cheapest shit. It's like level one. Wait, is it just the seasoning or you put it in the ground beef? I think it's already made for you.

You just literally stir it up. It's ground beef in a bag. It's like making spaghetti with beef and mac and cheese, dude. Do you put the beef in or is the beef coming? I'm going to be honest. I don't even know like it's ground beef in a bag it's like making spaghetti with beef and mac and cheese dude do you put the beef in or is the beef coming i'm gonna be i don't even know how it's made i just know it tastes like fucking shit really dude i always look wicked good yeah dude it's just like it's probably all processed like fucking deer pussy dude yeah yeah you know honestly not bad probably pretty good for the immune system i don't know what i don't know what else like i i liked to have when i was little that i like i used to love spaghetti dude i ate a lot of almonds weirdly really yeah just a lot of sodium though dude no like unsalted almonds probably the grossest thing a kid could eat because that doesn't even taste

like anything no tastes like wax. You were over there eating fucking hamburger helper. Yeah. It has flavor, dude. I was eating wax beans, essentially. Damn, dude. Were you like fucking anorexic or something? No, I don't know. I just fucking, we always had them. What were your shits looking like? Beans, dude. Beans? I don't think your body

can process almonds, dude. Yeah. I died to go to the fucking hospital when I had almonds, dude. Oh, really? You're allergic? I ate a whole bag of almonds and i chugged a pedialyte dude what are you giving me shit for that dude oh i died it was so much sodium dude i got an infection in my small intestine i had to check into the ER you got inflamed dude you must have had to eat so much sodium for that to happen. Oh, dude, I was in the gym parking lot, dude. How old were you?

It was like a few years ago. I was picturing you. I drove myself to the hospital. Really? Because I was in so much pain. Wait, oh, it was just... My stomach was like, fuck, dude. Did you tell them?

Hold on. Did they go, how did this happen? Like, what did you consume? And then you told them. No, no, they probably went, has any of you changed your diet, eaten anything weird lately? And then you went, no, nothing out of the ordinary. Just three pounds of salted almonds in a Pedialyte. I don't think I gave them the details, man.

I think I definitely hit it because I think I was embarrassed. Yeah. I'm going to be honest, dude. The nurse was so hot. I think that's all I was thinking about. Yeah. I'm going to be honest, dude. The nurse was so hot. I think that's all I was thinking about. Yeah. She wasn't even just hot, dude. She was like really caring.

Like she was like, are you okay? Motherly. And then she was like, can I see your stomach? And I was like, fuck, dude. You know? Yeah. She was like playing with it and shit. I was like, dude, this is embarrassing, bro.

Yeah. Just like poking it and stuff. Just my fucking fat, dude. She's like playing with my tits. She's like, dude, let me see your tits.its yeah let me see your huge tits i had some fucking big ass titties too at that i think i was like a little overweight you know yeah but dude she's probably whatever man she's probably just some fucking divorce lady she's probably gone off to it honestly yeah dude she just starts sucking on my tits dude yeah she's telling me how gay i am

yeah yeah yeah he's so hot dude more pen Do you want some more Pedialyte? Yeah. She fucking like, injects me with an IV. Dude, if she sucked on your tits, she might have gotten almond milk out of them. For sure,

yeah. That's how many almonds you consumed. Dude. Think about it. That'd be wild, man. She's like, imagine how hard you would be.

Crazy. Oh my God, dude. Dude, she sucks almond milk out of your tits, and then you shoot cum, but it's actually almond milk. she sucks almond milk out of your tits and then you shoot cum but it's actually almond milk it's almond milk dude that's fucking tedious you just dude you just black out and travel to another dimension where you're gay yeah just this dimension i travel another

dimension where my family thinks i'm straight i'm like whoa the fuck's going on over here yeah spaghetti used to fuck though do you remember spaghetti bro spaghetti was mad good like angel hair and shit possibly always had that we also had clam sauce with it oh dude sometimes bro the one thing that like i didn't even know was bad for you back then was mayonnaise oh bad fucking mayonnaise is what is it's eggs bro mayonnaise is like the fattest i feel like the ingredients of mayonnaise is eggs and mayonnaise literally dude like a little like maybe like an egg shell and that's straight up fucking pussy juice dude and then dude so i would have like tuna but it would be like just mayonnaise dude dude you know yeah you gotta go heavy on the mayonnaise with the tuna and that's crazy bro because like a tuna is like the king of the ocean yeah you know what i'm saying

kind of you're it's crazy that you're mixing it with mayonnaise yeah which is like the the fucking poorest thing you could ever have in your house yeah it's the fat you're mixing with the you're missing the most muscular yeah fucking ocean predator with the fattest shit it's a real like are they predators dude dude you ever seen a fucking tuna bro they're huge oh my god dude i used to get blitzed and i would watch like planet earth yeah and shit like that yeah and they would show tuna bro holy fuck man it's crazy it's wild. Why do they get so big? I don't even know, man. I feel like if you're going to eat a tuna, though, dude,

you should be required to catch it yourself. Dude, no one would ever have tuna. I mean, you and I, dude, we could just get like... There'd be hundreds of millions of tuna in the ocean and we still couldn't catch them. Yeah. I mean, you and I would just get like a bunch of fucking like automatic rifles, though. Yeah, go go out start dropping bombs into the ocean we would go to

like a local pond though yeah yeah i was just gonna say we would be in like literally like in the pond in a mini golf course like a pirate themed mini golf course yeah with a fucking harpoon it's just like wicked focus too yeah like this is our life dude yeah sitting on the fucking look murder a bunch of sunfish fucking koi pond yeah dude you ever gone hunting i've been paintballing but i haven't been hunting i've been in the woods with a weapon yeah so if you call that hunting that's kind of mostly i think what hunting is yeah you're just like walking around dude like barely you're probably not gonna catch anything i've been in the streets with a weapon dude hunting so like

yeah no you're always hunting dude for pussy i'm just kidding nah man i'm fucking my bad dude my dude i'm i'm chilling now. Yeah. Chilling about the game, dude. You asked me about hunting, dude. Yeah, anyways. My bad, my bad. Yeah, no, I've never been hunting. I feel like it'd be pretty fun, though. And I feel like I'd probably laugh if I saw...

I feel like I'd see an animal doing, like, a fucked up thing, dude. You know what i mean yeah you see like a fucking animal i don't like a bear just like shitting dude yeah i couldn't shoot that i'd just start crying laughing yeah i mean like it's just like retarded as we are dude i don't think i could kill something really you know yeah no i definitely could and if i did i'd fucking laugh my ass off, dude. You know? Yeah, yeah. Me with a gun, dude, I would just be laughing the whole time.

If we were hunting and you shot and killed something and then started laughing, I'd be like, holy shit, dude. I gotta get out of here. I gotta go, dude. I mean, dude, if you saw me with a gun, it would be best for you to just get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they would have to show us like the basics and stuff yeah they'd be like don't point the gun at anyone i would just be like you definitely that's definitely must have happened have you ever shot a gun i mean i've shot a paintball gun

yeah but not like a real gun my asian friend's dad was like rule number one he was like don't point the gun at anyone And I was like literally pointing the gun right at his face, dude. Yeah. He was like, I don't think I should have you. I don't think I should have you out here, dude. Wait, he was in his backyard? His backyard. Damn, dude.

Dude, he had a fucking deck, bro, that was like 20 feet high. And we would shoot people on fucking dirt bikes. As they were coming by yeah that's sick just fucking wild i like shot up my friend's shed dude yeah i like i was like 50 feet off this is smoking random people walking by yeah dude you're a fucking hazard with a gun for sure it's fucking hard to i worked at a laser you know laser quest and a laser laser like a laser tag place yeah and uh like i would i was the marshal so i'd have to like tell everyone the rules i'd give like a speech it was the most

embarrassing thing i ever did people from a high school came in to play laser tag and i had to stand up and be like i'm the marshal everyone's like dude you're not you're dave you're in my gym class yeah but uh it's pretty bad but then dude my last day there i fucking quit because uh there's like a birthday party and uh all the kids were like obviously mad out of control to the point where at one point during the i was like yelling at everyone to not run dude one point during the game i locked yelling at everyone to not run dude one point during the game i locked up dude there was a kid legit not joking climbing on the ceiling of the place dude he was on the ceiling he climbed up to like up a level and then like jumped off and hung on the

ceiling how fucking high was the ceiling bro mad high i was screaming then I went out and I was like, dude, I'm done with this place, bro. Someone's going to fucking break their neck. That's wild, bro. Dude, it was insane, dude. Fucking Spider-Man, dude. Mad dis... Dude, that place was the funniest place. One of the funniest places I've ever worked.

There was a manager. Her name was... We had code names. Her name was Spock. And, uh... Bro, the fucking... She had two... It only had room for like one birthday party and somehow the place got booked with two birthday parties so she was like mad stressed out yeah

people were like eating like cake off the floor and then uh i think a fucking pipe burst and the entire place flooded dude those places are so fun though man so funny uh especially like the place with the rollerblading inside and they have the... Yeah. That was the first time I heard the N-word, dude. I think they probably started in a place like that. Well, dude, the brothers, dude, they love to shred it on rollerblades. They do.

That's, like, an old-school thing. Oh, yeah. They're nasty. I saw this black dude fall, bro, and he just goes, oh, shit. And then he dropped dude i could not stop laughing he was with like two chicks too damn dude yeah they go hard at those places yeah man i like uh my buddy nate bro he fucking i think he's still rollerblades like in his garage really no just full speed doing like circles like probably like

last year or something maybe but yeah he was like super dedicated to it man like he like would always ask me and i'd be like i don't know man like you know yeah like i'm gay but i'm not that you know yeah obviously also it's like a quick way to really get injured you break you know transition dude transition yeah you might fucking fall right into cutting your dick off or something yeah i mean shit like that dude it's so much fun yeah you know it's fun so that's why you don't do it yeah yeah you can't it's like why are we why are we having fun right can't have that much fun rollerblading around dude yeah what the fuck my fucking uh my spanish teacher from high school bro i was wicked high once next to the

this river called the blackstone river i'm with my boy and uh his girlfriend dude i was so stoned and i look up and i see my spanish teacher on rollerblades from like 1960 dude Dude. It was just like a tree. It was a stop sign. You're like, you're like, Mrs. Kerrigan. Oh, dude. I wish, bro.

It was actually her though, dude. Yeah. She screamed something in Spanish from like 60 yards away. You're like, dude, I didn't pay attention to your class, obviously. Yeah. But even that, man,

it's like, how do you even respond? Like, not only do I not, I don't know anything in Spanish. You gotta speak in tongues back to her. Confuse her. Dude, make her think she doesn't know the language anymore. Just yell anal. Yeah.

Los enalos. Mamacita. Oh, man. Yeah. We used to torture my Spanish teacher, dude. We would throw fucking everyone in the classroom get pennies and then when she turned around and faced the chalkboard you just hear fucking six pennies whipping against the chalkboard dude she jewish no oh shit no it's just like a fun thing to do you just hear like in the middle of fucking neo-necessito and it's just like

dude i feel like spanish teachers always got it the worst yeah it's like a racist thing dude dude every spanish class i ever had the teacher just got like abused yeah same like it was crazy i think it's because nobody took it seriously i think because were they are were they spanish might have been racism, dude. Every Spanish teacher I had was a white lady with a shitty name and blonde hair. Yeah, it's the funniest thing. Literally. Just like the scaredest one.

Yeah, it would be like Senora Kerrigan. Dude, my Spanish teacher's name was Miss Rounds. Miss Rounds? Yeah. Did she have some? No. Ah, damn. Nah, dude.

Her fucking husband was probably doing rounds on her, though. Oh, dude. That's pretty good. I don't have any... I just had teachers from, like... I don't know. I had one teacher from Kenya. We tortured her.

Tortured her, dude. Locked her out of the classroom multiple times. We would all hum so she couldn't tell who was humming. Because if you got close, you can just... Also, you don't open your mouth when you hum. So the whole class, you just hear... When she walked in here, you just stop humming. Complete psychological warfare. Dude, when you go back home, do you ever see humming. Complete, like, psychological warfare.

Dude, when you go back home, do you ever see, like, any of your teachers? Nah. Nah. Have you? I think I've seen, like, a few, dude. Every time I see them, it's always the teachers with, like, the smoking tits, dude. Really? And I'm just like, you still have it.

Whoa. It's wild, man. That's sick. They're always at the supermarket, too. I think most of my teachers would probably kill themselves, realistically. When you find out who they actually are as people. The supermarket is a pretty horny location, wouldn't you say? What would you say are top underrated horny locations?

Plain. Barnes & Noble. Barnes & Noble. You see some straight up sharks in there, dude. Yeah, dude, for yeah dude for the fiction section yeah dude the fantasy section you see like the fucking little golf chicks yeah like just doing that to you you're like i mean dude that's why any dude goes in there anyway they're lurking dude yeah dude they're lurking they're hoping that like they see someone at

the same time you know what i'm saying yeah i used to do that at the supermarket but nothing ever happened like target bro you just ever go to target dude late at night yeah that's a fucking it's a depressing place man dude target late at night it's like the happiest place i've ever been in my life yeah a lot of what was a target in your location kind of like shitty dude yeah it wasn't a shitty spot yeah liberty tree mall yeah it's like literal oh it's in a mall so it's not a real Target, dude. I'm talking about Targets that take up the whole parking lot. Yeah, yeah.

No, this wasn't. I don't think it was that real. Dude, I spent so many weekends there, man. Just strafing in Target. Just buying clothes like I was never going to wear, dude. Yeah, you never needed. And buying like hummus and shit, dude. Yeah.

And just thinking about meeting someone there. That's true. Supermarkets, place at Target. true supermarkets place target i can see that i can see that have you ever like gone into barnes and noble and bought something and then like bought a book and just never read it yeah that's like most of my life yeah it's like the amount of hours i spend in barnes and noble it's primarily just to like shit in there realistically they have a bathroom in there dude they dude brother yeah brother you gotta you gotta get on the bar that's how you've that's how you find places to shit if you're out

and you need to go you go to a barnes and noble best bathrooms dude you can just walk in no one fucking questions you yeah plus they're all nerds dude you go like that dude just flex on them dude flex and i'm going the bathroom fucking scream shit and then immediately speed walk out of the barnes and noble damn dude i gotta fucking check that out it's a good it's good pastime yeah i feel like dude i'm at the point in my life where i'm always buying shit i just don't need yeah that's yeah dude same you're going amazon dude just like nah i'm pretty good about not doing that luckily so what are you buying then dude just food really yeah spend too much on food where do you even buy food dude

like dude i eat fucking halal from this one guy like fucking eight times a week probably that's where you're filling up yeah it's pretty good man is it real food though yeah it's good it's good food damn what is it yeah it's like lamb over rice dude it. It's good, soft. Dude, food is like, oh, my God, man. If I wasn't eating, fuck, dude. I keep going home a bunch because I'm mentally, like, collapsing, bro. Really? And I'm like, dude. You're good, dude.

I just, like, keep going home, and I'm like, oh, like, this will be, like, a good reset. Yeah. And then I get home, and I'm just like, what the fuck, man? What am I doing, dude? Yeah, yeah. Bro, I ate, ate like six turkey sandwiches in my bed at like two in the morning jesus man and then i drank a whole two liter bottle of fucking uh like ginger holy shit dude that's dark yeah you yeah the whole reason i went home was to

not do that yeah because i was like oh dude let's get some gains hit the gym like reset a little bit and i ended up like literally like taking 14 shits a day dude yeah yeah i almost started crying dude because of the amounts of shits i think it was the ginger ale man i drank the whole fucking you gotta go back to fucking pedialyte almonds you gotta go back to the basics dude check myself into the er like a real man yeah have a. Have one of your kidneys shut down. Yeah, but dude, I don't know, man. Every time I keep doing shit where I'll imagine what's going to happen, and then the exact opposite happens. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

We're talking about in life in general? Yeah. Yeah. Not specific things. Like false hope. Yeah, the way like life is going man yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no we're we're fucking fine dude we're staying mentally afloat dude i got heckled so bad what happened fucking saturday dude where were you usually i

wouldn't talk about this dude but i just i've never been so mad really after a show because like i took the whole week off and i was like oh i'm just gonna like reset whatever dude and then i just got bored so i like went on i did like a guest spot in providence dude yeah so like i go up i have to do the bullet spot dude told like two jokes and this guy was uh he was an older guy with an older woman and dude they wouldn't stop talking like they would keep repeating shit that i was saying and then like mocking me dude so i was like oh there's no way i'm gonna mocking you this guy was like straight up bullying me dude what so i was like oh there's no way like like

that oh dude just everything i said he'd be like fucking yeah i bet and uh like i'm not sure like that but he was just like repeat the shit i said yeah and he was just like openly talking i might have been mentally handicapped bro he was two feet in front of me like yeah there's no stage yeah they're on top of you yeah dude so i was like all right i can either like do my five minutes and just dip or like confront this guy so i was like dude can you shut the fuck up damn like really no i didn't say that but what'd you say i was like you guys don't have to do that yeah you know and they were just like no i was being super nice man that's like yeah i even like kind of froze up a little bit yeah which i got mad at myself you gotta be like super nice

big hey man like i'm just trying to like get through it's like we're all trying to have a good time like i really appreciate it and then you'd be like oh but and also if you don't stop i will fuck your girlfriend. Yeah. In front of you. Well, it was his wife, dude, but. Yeah. But you gotta call a girlfriend a disrespector. Yeah.

I don't know, man. Like, I think when shit like that happens, like, you kind of figure out who you really are, dude. Yeah. And I just noticed, like, I'm just, like, too nice of a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I should have, like, really gone at him right away. So many times, dude.

Oh. Especially recently where I'm like, I should have fucking stabbed that person. Oh, you should have just ripped into him. Yeah. at him right away so many times dude oh especially recently where i'm like i should have fucking stabbed that person oh you should have just ripped into him yeah right away just no mercy just like shut the fuck up yeah especially when you only have five minutes yeah but yeah dude like i like almost froze up and at one point i was like i don't even know what to say to that man and he looks at his wife and he's like oh he can't handle it what so i so then i got i got mad dude you should have shattered a bottle on his head dude i actually started getting mad but i was like kind of calm i was like i'm gonna rip into this guy yeah so i was like oh like uh how long have you guys been together and he was like oh 55 oh, 55 years. Classic trap, by the way. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, have you been interrupting people for 55 years? Yeah. Bro, everyone just like fucking started clapping and going crazy. And I was like, all right, can you shut the fuck up now? Yeah. Like everyone here hates you. Let's go. Bro, next joke.

Dude, he just keeps going. Dude, he might have been a fully disabled guy. Dude, I got so frustrating, man. I like was actually screaming in my car i was like like i thought i was gonna kill this guy yeah i thought i was gonna follow him home and just did yeah did he that's other people too he did it the whole show i guess and then uh the he left right before the headliner went up and everyone cheered and like everyone was like you're fucking you know see yeah dude what if that guy just kept following you to every single show you do this guy just tormented you i think i would low-key be happy because i would just get better at like crowd work you just fight

him every show it's funny because like you know exactly who the people are afterwards you know what i mean yeah like you know in mass like there's certain areas where you're like oh i know like who you are yeah you know oh like a like certain guys yeah like this guy was like oh i live in narragansett yeah you have a fucking big house and your family has a shit ton of money like right i know who you are right he was wearing a leather jacket dude he looked like he was in the fucking mob really probably look like all of your uncles dude yeah yeah he's like by the way your friend dave is gay i know it like dude is that what all your uncles look like though no no no not at all no they're like very normal looking i think do you even tell me one of my uncles is dude my on the irish side of my family bro my uncle moved to Florida. Man, my uncle's so funny, dude.

He's like mad short and like, you know, like hefty. And he's like the funniest dude. He has this mustache. And he moved down to Florida and he got a fucking golf cart. And he's getting a, he's growing out his hair. He's bald on top. He's growing out his hair and he's getting a giant American Eagle tattoo. Like on his back, dude. American Eagle, dude. No, like the American Eagle tattoo on his back. American Eagle, dude?

No, like the American Eagle. Not the company. He just loves the brand, dude. Growing out his hair, dude. He's trying to become one of the models, dude. Standing outside, dude, just hammered. Just molesting. Yelling at people. Just molesting little girls, dude.

Oh, dude. That was an italian joke dude yeah no i get it dude he's not even italian he's fucking irish just like you fucking idiot you fucking idiot dude last i swear to god dude there was definitely a time you notice how it smells like mothballs i don't even know what mothballs smell like. Oh. All right, never mind. Our apartment does have a distinct smell to it. Dude, I came home from LA, and I walked in, and it was like, mothballs are like old people

have them. They're like, you put them so the moths don't eat your clothes. Dude, I swear to God. It's probably just dropping from my gooch. It's the fucking Greeks, dude, that own this place. It's probably my gooch, dude. It might be, dude. Just mothballs coming out of my gooch. That would change sense, dude. If that's probably my gooch dude might be dude just not that

would it change sense dude if that's okay if that's easy you get checked out you can't change sense like that so you oh so you think it smells like old people like it's like that old it's like a weird it just smells like mothballs fucking insane when we first moved here it definitely had like a distinct there's no like uh airflow in here no it's just like like 0.1 percent literally like the worst fucking air quality you can possibly imagine it's like five g's dude yeah five gangsters all right we got some uh some voicemails dude that was sick some callers bro i haven't i don't have a way to like listen to these before. Oh really? Like I haven't listened to any of them. So let's see what we got, dude. Make sure you can hear

this. This one's pretty long, dude, but you're right. What up, John? Love the podcast. Quick question. I've been dating this girl for the past three years and we were doing the whole long distance thing and uh she lives in san diego my whole plan was to move to san diego when i finished school um like college. I mean, we recently broke up, and I've been saving up for a while, and I've been to San Diego. I love it there. I kind of still want to move there. Is it weird if I still move there after we've broken up?

Like, she doesn't own the whole city, you know what I'm saying? But I don't know. Is it weird if I also, like i'm saying but i don't know is it weird if i also like move there i i don't know i don't want to adjust my whole life plans just because we broke up but it's a weird situation that i'm in regardless i want to i want to move somewhere else i live in a small ass town in massachusetts so trying to find new land to bear all right man well i love the podcast you're funny as fuck Keep doing your thing homie

Alright peace My boy's going through it He's struggling dude He's really struggling I think you should take over San Diego dude Be a real man dude Go do it I mean dude my ex-girlfriend lives here

Look at me, bro. This could be you, dude. Do you want to fucking be emotionally fucking dissociated in a brand new city? Me too. You can do it, dude. Dude, just fucking. Click of a button, book a flight. Your whole world could be shattered. San Diego, dude, San Diego.

I got shows that are coming up December 8th and 9th, I think, that weekend. Friday, Saturday. Madhouse Comedy. Dude. He's going to look insane. First off, he's going to look nuts, dude. Like, from her perspective. You've got to block her.

If you're going to do it, you've got to block her. Get her completely out of your life do you still talk to her maybe did you mention it to her she said she doesn't want you to do it you're like oh it's not even because of you you know what are the motivations behind it he sounds like a genuine guy though man sounds real sounds like one of the boys yeah which is a little scary why yeah because i'm one of the boys i dude i remember when uh when my when i was dating a girl in college who i was like in love with i would go to subway every day dude yeah and it was on the same road as like the high school she went to she was like 14 but i knew where she was every day i knew when she was going to leave school and i would time it so that i was getting a double chicken shop salad

while she was driving home that's how much i like i was in love with her oh really wait she was your girlfriend at the time we broke it was after we broke up oh i knew i wanted her to see me you know what i mean eating a salad from subway like i like, yo, he's on the come up. Dude, yes. I can't, what did I miss out on? Yes. No joke. Dude, I lost, like, 35 pounds, and I wanted her to know that I'm coming at her.

Yeah. Salad in hand. I'm coming for a fucking throw, dude. Yeah. Dude, I would literally be in my truck just listening to fucking acdc like full volume just eating straight up chicken just like dude yeah the three like indian employees inside just like this kid shows up every day oh dude i got straight up gains from that shit yeah and guess what man she never noticed she never she never noticed dude i wasted so much time man you gotta

do it for you not for for them. Yeah, man. I would still go there, though, dude. Because he's saying he wants to go there, dude. Didn't he say? Didn't he? What did he say about a long-distance relationship? Did he say she didn't want? She's going to be there.

Yeah. And she didn't want one? Oh, he didn't want one, so that's why he was going to move there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they broke up, so. Yeah, then they broke up. That's tough, man. You know? I think mentally, if he knows he's not going to move there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they broke up, so. Yeah, then they broke up. That's tough, man, you know. I think mentally, if he knows, like, he's not going to be thinking about her,

definitely go for it. Yeah. But, dude, San Diego is just filled with, like, the fucking armed forces, dude. Yeah, and puss. Yeah. It's all, yeah, it's the Navy SEALs and shit. Yeah, like, dude, you cannot fuck with anyone in San Diego. I know, yeah.

Dude, you'll get choked out by someone's wiener dude you know what i'm saying huge wieners yeah guys are probably doing unknown moves there down by the beach yeah practicing on themselves as far as like your manliness goes like i wouldn't test those waters yeah you know maybe just fuck yeah i don't think this guy's gonna like fight anyone like he just like really wants to know about like well dude you know how the breakups go man first thing you're doing is hitting the gym dude obviously yeah you want him to go down the right path you know you don't want this guy doing you know cindy was not a big town like there's a chance he runs into her i mean bro here's what you gotta realize like there's a chance you see her with her new man you know he's fucking some jacked military guy but for sure will she will for sure

have a new guy out there dude oh my god that's what i'm saying i'm just being honest dude yeah fully like but you know what i think maybe he should check out some other some other places add it to the list make it a possibility i think you should go man as long as he's mentally prepared hypothetically just imagine i have the worst time of his life dude imagine you walking down the beach dude you're by yourself man you're you're resetting like a real man and you see her with some shredded dude getting can you handle that yeah you know yeah if you can then go there man dude my buddy lives in san diego and uh he's like one of the funniest guys ever met dude he's uh he's a minimalist of the funniest guys I've ever met. Dude, you... He's a minimalist though, dude. Like he has like a studio apartment, like a motorcycle. Like he fucking just has shit that he like needs.

Just poor. Yeah. He's just like... Literally just poor, but he's having the time of his life. Yeah, but he calls it minimalist. So it like sounds sick. There's a chance that like you could see... He could see your friend with this girl.

The funniest minimalist of all time. Oh, my friend's married. You have to be prepared for that. My friend's dating some like powerlifting chick though, dude. could see he could see your friend with this girl the funniest minimalist of all my friends married you have to be prepared for that my friend's dating some like power lifting chick though dude so if i'm if you're gonna get with a chick dude just get with a chick who's like raw dude yeah she's doing like at least three plates right you know eating fucking raw eggs all all day non-stop having the craziest diarrhea i've never been dude i I just heard that's kind of what it is. Yeah, nah. Like retired, you know.

Yeah, it's like super military. Yeah. I'll find out, dude. I'm going to be there soon. Oh, dude. I think, whatever. I think it's a good move. Do you have other ones, dude?

I love this. I like helping the people. I feel like all the other ones are just going to be like farts, dude. It's so funny you can't screen them ahead of time. Johnny Hardcock, my man. I just got a question for you, my brother. I've been drunk probably about 27 days straight so far. I just wanted to know your opinion on if I should stop.

If you cope or if I should see it through until January. Thanks, bro. Just let me know. Thanks. Because of the new year? That's short-sighted, dude. January, why stop there? I think you should keep going.

See how long you can fucking push it. You didn't really give a lot of info. I can't tell if he's like he's literally like on a yeah well he's been drunk 27 days straight so i'm gonna say he's an alcoholic he literally goes i've been drunk 27 days straight my life is completely falling apart do you think i should stop it's like yeah dude probably yeah that makes me sad man yeah that is pretty sad i like that he's looking to the future though he's like i could stop or i could i don't understand the whole uh the january thing though is he saying should i push it through

to is he saying if he wants to start like a new year's resolution i think that's what he means but it's like it's like pretty arbitrary like why still keep torturing yourself until you could just also stop tomorrow yeah it doesn't have to be this guy needs to watch like a david goggins sobriety shouldn't depend on like a new year's resolution should be like when you need and are ready to get sober shouldn't be like pushing it also like yeah when people go to the gym or whatever yeah this guy needs to fucking as a as a brother, dude, definitely. That was kind of sad, you know?

Yeah, no, in reality, like, the reality of the situation is, yeah, he has no hope. He should just fucking. I wonder if he's listening, like, when he's cocked. Probably, yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the only way. I mean, he's listened at all in the last month. He was drunk. Yeah, I mean, brother, dude, get it together, man.

Dude. Dude. Dude, you're a motivational guy give him like give him like your philosophies on like motivation i mean i'm kind of sad right now dude because i'm i'm thinking about what he's going through you know like i don't know why he's drinking i'm sure he's drinking for uh like a deeper like there's a deeper reason as to why obviously he's probably going through some shit dude filling some sort of void and drinking's not gonna help man yeah you know i think we all know that it's gonna make everything way worse as to why he's probably going through some shit, dude. Filling some sort of void. And drinking's not going to help, man.

Yeah. You know, I think we all know that. It's just going to make everything way worse. Right. You know? Even when he hears this, he's going to be like, fuck, dude. But I hope that makes him fucking stop, dude. You know, figure the fuck out, dude.

You know? Yeah, I think you got to be ready. You got to do it when you're ready. Dude, people who drink by themselves, those are the people who have, like scars my man yeah yeah that's when it gets kind of sad it's our man right here dude it's like definitely him i'm not we're not we're not making fun of him we're just saying like this guy's got some fucking demons that he needs to so you gotta you gotta work on you gotta work on yourself you get yourself right dude yeah stop mentally stop fucking drinking what's the cause of this dude what's the cause you get sober long enough

to figure out the cause yeah dude you know what your demons are bro you gotta fucking take them head on bro this is like my cock is too big yeah you don't have to be you don't have to drink to be cool man no you know so i don't think he's doing it to be cool though dude i mean dude he was asking if you should push through to january so he's i think he's doing it to be cool though, dude. I mean, dude, he was asking if you should push through to January. So I think he's like saying like, yo, I can do this. Yeah.

It's like, dude, no one's going to, I do like, dude, I do like that. Like keep going spirit. Truthfully.

Yeah. Yeah. I do like for other things. Yeah. He should like, yeah, he could transfer that to like, you know,

something better, but dude, you got the right attitude, man. See if we got any other ones. Tough guy. I don't know if we got any other ones. It's like voicemail from your mom.

Check it. Fucking get your laundry out of the driveway. Hey, man. Question here. So, every time I use the bathroom at work, the toilet clogs up. And I don't know what to do when I... I think that was it, dude.

What happened? Dude, the toilet just exploded and fucking killed his phone. You think he did that on purpose? He wants us to figure it out? He might have dropped it that the toilet just exploded and fucking killed his phone you did that on purpose he wants us to figure it out he might have dropped it in the toilet dude i clogged the toilet every day bro the landlord almost fucking yeah kicked us out because you like flooded the bad terrible question for me dude dude even at my mom's bro i dude they look like we oh my god dude the pipe connects in between the main road so the plumber was like dude it's so clogged we might have to literally like rip out the water system road cut the pipe in the middle of the road in half and take out all this shit really yeah bro that's legendary shit yeah dude if you shit so much that they had to do road work

like they had to take out permits to deal with the amount of shit that you have yeah that's like like you're costing like this like the taxpayers money with your shit dude there had to be a town council meeting yeah it's like yo got to deal with this problem. Yeah. They're like, we have three issues on the docket. Like, there's a lot of traffic down on Main Street, the light. And also, like, this kid, John Psyche, keeps fucking shitting and blowing up the water system. They have to do, like, a fundraiser and shit.

Yeah. Dude, when I, even when I worked at, I used to work at a bank, dude. And I literally used to have to sit down with people and be, like, mature and stuff. Yeah. Dude, even when I used to work at a bank, dude, and I literally used to have to sit down with people and be mature and stuff. Yeah. Dude, I clogged the toilet at the bank that no one's allowed to go back there. And I just kept trying to fucking unclog it. Yeah. Okay, I'm jerking off right now. But, dude, I kept trying.

It wouldn't unclog, and I kept putting the fucking thing down. Yeah. And, dude, water started flying everywhere. And my shit came up and, dude, seeped through the bottom of the door. Wait, you kept flushing it? Yeah, because I thought it was unclogged. But it wasn't. It was super clogged.

Yeah, that might be the problem. Yeah. And, dude, I think it came to the top. And I was like, listen, dude, you can give it one more rip. Yeah. Or just let it sit. And I was like, I'll give it one more rip. And it came over the top, dude.

By rip, you mean flush or like point? Flush, yeah. Both. Both, man. Bro. Obviously, it was filling up with water because you kept flushing it. And it's right on the top. And you go, I'm going to get one last shot.

And you flushed it. If you didn't do that, it would you just sat there and slowly went down slowly went down yeah did like the one thing you shouldn't have done dude it got all over the floors bro yeah we started leaking into the fucking break room dude i had to walk up to like the tellers and be like hey do you guys have the plumber's number they had to call a plumber to come in and fix it and he was just like holy shit yeah dude he was fucked up he's like never seen anything that was his vietnam moment because there was just shit all over the floor like he was so confused he was like why would someone at a bank do this yeah

they didn't know who the fuck they were dealing with dude he definitely walked by my my office and was like it's fucking that guy that kid it's the kid with shit all over his legs kid eating chicken breasts with his bare hands yeah the kid's sticking his dick in a rotisserie chicken i'm drinking like an extra large fucking dunkin coffee with like beef just eating fucking handfuls of laxatives yeah but yeah man i would uh you could dude you just gotta wipe one thing i've noticed, man. Wait, this kid's issue is that he clogs the toilet. He just clogs the toilet a lot. Every day, yeah.

Yeah, I don't see what other option you have other than like shitting in other places. Well, no, dude. I mean, dude, ever since I was young, I would use a bunch of toilet paper, like too much. Really? You know? Yeah. But then I learned that people use like small amounts. Right, right. And they get up in there, dude. Yeah, you got to get deep. much really you know yeah but then i i learned that people use like small amounts right and they

get up in there dude yeah you gotta get deep so dude i think this guy needs to watch a tutorial on wiping his ass it could be it could be using too much toilet paper i feel like a youtube tutorial could really help for sure yeah fucking look up that in the kiven method yeah i'm not even joking dude like most of the time when i take shits now i like i'll flush mid shit yeah you gotta yeah dude you're acting that's like a crazy like thing you came up with that's like what you gotta that's fucking knowledge dude yeah that's that's the knowledge like you're trying to impart yeah on the people yeah take multiple flushes per shit all right let's wrap this up dude you uh you have any shows coming up? Just those ones in San Diego.

I think it's the weekend of the 8th or 9th, whatever that is. Madhouse Comedy in San Diego. Yeah, I have no shows coming up. Same. Thank you for the support. Leaving voicemails. I'll try to get to the other ones um next episode please like and subscribe uh the faster this grows the better and uh thank you guys