The Johnny Salami Podcast - Dave Caggiano Returns

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

Dave Caggiano Returns by The Johnny Salami Podcast

you gotta think about it really hard right now dude when you when you were fucking trying to fucking do whatever the audio you do when you use the computer it's like looks like you're focusing one thousand percent of your brain power on whatever you're doing it takes a lot for me it's crazy yeah it's crazy what do you been what do you been thinking about like rain man at work dude rain man i've never seen that movie but that's what they would call me it's about a little retarded guy really yeah shit Yeah. Shit, dude. So they were on to something. Really?

Yeah. I thought it would be more positive than that. It was about this kid named Johnny Salami. Was he smart, though, in the movie? No, he's like smart at one thing. Like what was the one thing, though? I don't know. I think numbers. Dude.

Are you in finance? Yeah. Dude, you might be rain man this guy just wouldn't talk you would fuck him up though no this guy just wouldn't talk to me and he told everyone uh that i look like rain man and i didn't know like what ran man was so i was like appreciate it man you know like yeah he's just calling me he's like yeah yeah yeah it'd be like it would be like if someone's like hey like you look like stephen hawking and then you like but not the smarts just like you like look like him yeah yeah there's just no positive outlook for that yeah it's not it's not good um what have you been thinking about lately

dude i am you know like uh just trying to figure out who i am yeah i was just watching some old episodes of the podcast really it got really emotional man really yeah dude i almost shed a fucking tear for real yeah because it was like so much fun you're like you like miss who you used to be yeah you feel that way dude yeah sometimes i like don't like i have that like new job now with like working for that kid whatever and like literally like sometimes i don't know like how to just be in a situation like i don't know i say something i'm like i would never say that i can see it in your eyes too you're like trying really hard i think that's your problem honestly me right now

no like just in general dude you. You just, you look lost. Do I really? Dude, fuck, you're freaking me out, dude. For real? No, I feel the same way, though. I feel like, I just, dude, like I woke up this morning. Damn, bro. I walked out here, and I thought my dog was here.

I almost like went to the couch and like. Holy shit. Played with his tummy, but he's not here. Yeah, that's. So I would have just been like went to the couch and like holy shit played with his tummy but he's not here yeah i would have just been like finger in the couch dude i walked out and you're just like just making out with your dog yeah man i don't know dude sometimes i don't know how to but that like don't don't you do sometimes i feel that way about shows too like i don't care about 90 and then every now and then you're like before a show you're like what am i even like who am i like why do i why am i nervous like what am i doing yeah sometimes i mean honestly just watching like

uh old videos and stuff kind of like brings me back and i'm like oh like that's yeah i am retarded yeah you just gotta yeah just not care you have to like remind yourself yeah stupid you really are yes i need to do that yeah instead of like comparing yourself to other people i need to go watch like old youtube videos from like 2010 of me yeah sometimes when i don't film myself i watch a borat dude that's sick dude we dude we filmed this uh when i was in college my buddy came and visited like he was like my best friend growing up and like we would just do like the most retarded shit together so we he we filmed me like going to the umat like umass has this like literally it's like a 27 story library it's like a huge building and uh we went to like the main study area and like i would just be like i would just be like sitting there and like

he's studying he'd be like off filming it and i would just like i would just go oh like wicked like wicked loud just like scream and like scare there's like scare everyone but just like keep my head like nothing happened you can keep it straight dude i would yeah and i we would literally go and do it on like every floor i would just like go up sit down for like five minutes act like like i was studying and then just like was like an orgasm sound or was it more like uh no it was just like it was literally like oh like that yeah or like how did people take it people would be like some dude just but i would but bro i would literally just keep my head down like studying or I would like look around. Yeah. So they would be like, did Zach, did he do that or what? Like if someone looked at me, I would just look behind me.

That's what we do. You could keep a straight face. Yeah. I'm very good at that. I'm wicked good at that. I'm good at that when I'm not trying. But it would be fucking retarded because then like I would scream and then like acting like nothing happened.

Like three seconds later, I would just get stand up and walk out they're obviously like this kid but they're like that made you dude we thought it was the funniest thing that made you feel good inside though dude dude yeah oh my god when he came and visited dude it was like because we would always we would always like fuck around at home in peabody like drive around and like fuck around like that but like when he came to umass it was like a huge call it was like an endless possibilities to like fuck around yeah like people will be walking to class and he'd like we would like run up behind like behind them like wicked like stomp our feet wicked loud and then they'd like turn around and we'd just like keep walking did you cry did you cry when you left uh no i cried when i got there probably really yeah it was like a huge adjustment well no i'm

saying like when you left your friend like did you cry oh uh a little bit dude did you yeah yeah i definitely was sad yeah i would like think i would like see his truck on campus you know how like you thought your dog was here i would like see a truck and be like i think that's my friend and i'm just like 100 miles from home yeah i mean dude every day after work i would call my friend yeah i'd be like i'd be on like i-95 going past the providence place mall yeah and we would just scream vagina dude on the phone yeah just add each other lungs dude yeah we would just yell stuff that doesn't make sense yeah yeah we would do that yeah for like 30 minutes straight dude like if anyone heard what we said yeah i wouldn't even be here right dude

those are conversations yeah i posted the conversations that like keep you going dude they're the best i posted a voicemail that i left him on instagram it's the most retired thing if you go to instagram you find it it's literally like we would we'll do this to each other like all the time like i literally would call and it would be a voice and i'll be like like bro like you gotta help like i need help right now like this isn't a joke i'm dead serious like my my feet i was driving and my my legs fell asleep and my foot's stuck on the gas right now and like dude i have a full tank of gas so like i'm on i'm on 93 north like i could end up in maine really by the time like i run out of gas like you need to call the police and then out really yeah like dude we would

always every every time i didn't pick up he would just be like dude i'm stuck on the side of the highway right now you have to call me back i would get so mad when he uh his voicemail was full yeah i would look forward to like leaving a voicemail yeah mine would be mine wouldn't make any sense so what would it be i'd be like uh i'll put one in the podcast but i'd be on the highway listening to like heart yeah and i would just like pause it yeah and call him and like i'd be so excited when it was like please leave a message yeah and i would be like i'd be like hello this is richard balls from ace hardware yeah i just wanted to let you know that your wife took a shit in the parking lot

and uh we need your assistance i would be like if you still want to file your taxes just give me a call back you should be like shit like that dude we always do dude we used to make up words and like say them to people in conversation like very quickly like that. Dude, we always do. Dude, we used to make up words and like, say them to people in conversation, like, very quick. Like,

we used to say like, Indalba. Literally, not a real word, but like, we would like, I would be like, at checking out,

like talking to a cashier and I'd just be like, alright, they'd be like, have a good day. I'd be like, alright, Indalba.

And like, just walk. And we just thought it was so funny. Just to like, confuse people for half a second. Only you know what it meant. Yeah, it doesn't even't even mean i did that a lot when i was younger my my best friend was guatemalan yeah his grandparents lived in the basement and i would call him every morning at 7 30 in the summer i'd be like is joey there and they'd be like he's sleeping

and i would call every 10 minutes until like 11 30 when he woke up freak out and they were they they spoke like broken english yeah and uh my friend was like yeah like one thing you should never say around them is uh kooky yeah which means pussy yeah so i like walked into his basement dude now i just fucking screamed it dude dude we used to do we used to do shit like that we me and the same kid we went to emt school emt school together and it was like there's probably a 30 minute drive right and it would be in the mornings during the week and so it was during the summer so all the landscapers would be out in the mornings so dude we like i guess i think mama weibo means suck my dick in spanish so we would dude i remember

one time we were driving dude and there was mad roofers dude oh we fucking we're crying laughing dude they were they were like up on like a high ass roof dude like eight guatemalans like mad guatemalans dude and we just drove by we're like and they all looked at me just like mama and they were all like we thought it was like the funniest all their heads just like popped up it was wicked funny honestly dude you probably look like such a douche dude yeah like in the audi no no it was in like my like a shitty old car oh really yeah that's funny then yeah no look at the shitty of the car you're in the yeah way yeah what you're funny dude we used

to just squat up and like my friends like ford explore like 1998 ford explorers dude just drive around and scream at people i was talking to mo about this like how funny it would be to like threaten to fight someone and like sue them for everything they own yeah when you're like piss broke yeah just freak out on everyone tell them you're gonna sue them yeah dude another i worked with a uh for my uncle over the summers when i was in high school and like doing like construction and stuff and he had a guatemalan guy working for him julio and bro this guy was like the craziest fucking like he was so fucking retarded dude but like didn't know he was retired like first off his wife was pregnant so he was like he was like in but he was like always on the phone dude like my uncle would get pissed like he would just we were supposed to be doing something and he would just like wander

off of me on the phone for mad long but bro he used to catch i remember what he used to catch bees and like rip their wings off and just, like, keep them all day. He would just, like, keep them, dude. One day, he, like, pulls out. He, like, shows me, like, pulls out his pocket. He had, like, 10 bees in his pocket just, like, holding on to them, dude. That's probably his way of coping with life, dude. I know.

I was like, dude, you're torturing bees. Yeah. Honestly, dude, like, I'm going to have to figure something out about like a coping mechanism yeah it's like we don't have our friends i mean we could drive around and do stuff dude what we should do around here might be a little more dangerous dude we should could we have like a small front yard we should we should get like three beehives you know like the bee boxes like beekeepers dude we should dude we should be out there every day like full beekeeper shit and keep it right at the front.

So like when people like every time someone like leaves and like comes into the house, they have to like duck and like run in. Yeah. Dude, like listen, listen to this clearly. Like hear me out. Yeah. All right. Listen, like I'm thinking we should open up our own like construction LLC.

Yeah. Like a fake one. Farts incorporated. And we'll just go door to door and we'll be like hey how you doing yeah uh and we'll try to sell our ideas right so once we get someone who's interested and they need work done on their house we'll be like all right we just need like i know we need a deposit of like a thousand dollars yeah like a a safety deposit. And then once we get the $1,000, we show up like a week later.

Yeah. Like drive through the house. And then use the money for repairs. Like we fuck it up wicked bad. We give them a call. We're like, hey, we're on the way. Got a big truck coming like dude we could we could videotape it and sell the video for more than that yeah true

dude we might like barely break even dude we should order dude we should order like a mulch delivery or like a concrete delivery and just like have the guy back it up and like literally take like the big tube and like put it in through someone's front window and just concrete the entire inside of the house dude and then we go and then we go you have three hours before this dries to give us $50,000 or else we're not going to shovel it out. We're going to leave it at that. I thought at a certain age, though, I would stop having these thoughts. No. But, I mean, dude, there's always that moment where you do something stupid and something really bad happens.

Yeah. And I could see that happening with us. Like what? I could just see us putting on, like, blindfolds and going into that guy's apartment downstairs with wooden bats and just swinging. Just swinging blindly. The illegal apartment that's downstairs. Yeah, we both just die.

Dude, we have to like, bro, we have to like go down there and just like see what the situation is. I mean, dude, the thing about here, man, is like the things that we think are funny that we used to do are just normal around here. Like there's nothing. Yeah. You know, like, dude, I could wear like eagle wings yeah wear like a strap on my forehead and walk in to pay less and be like hey i'm here to file my taxes dude and they'd be like it's tuesday already like dude yeah it's not it's not like a big deal around here dude we would just like going to places and like this is obviously pretty common like a lot of kids like do this now

but like we like we used to go in places just like fall like just like knock stuff over like that would be like no like everyone here is like fucking on heroin just like doing that anyways they're like oh it's just another like junkie it's sex it's not even that you could literally you could literally like pull down your pants and shit in the middle of the street and people just like walk by like it's nothing yeah it's yeah dude this guy at the supermarket new york is basically an entire city of like teenagers that are fucking around but it's just they're all adults no i'm telling you dude it's literally the what if game from high school yeah and like dude i'm like not really getting used to it but dude i was at the market

and i was checking out and i was like there's no no way the cashier is going to like talk to me or anything. And he was like, how are you doing, man? And I was like, I was like, mind blown. Yeah.

That's crazy. I didn't even know how to respond. That's wild. I was like, I'm all right, man. He was like, you look really tired.

And I was like, yeah, dude, I want to kill myself. Yeah. He said, you look tired. Yeah.

He was like, you look really tired, man. And like, he was like, I feel the same way, man. I've been up for 12 hours.

And I was like, holy shit. I've been up for three weeks. I was like, Holy shit. I've been up for three weeks. I was like, I've been up for like 20 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

I didn't know how to like, I didn't remember how to like talk to people. Yeah. We should just start going to like, we could just start going into a supermarket and just like start stocking shelves and just like show up to like their meetings and stuff. Just start knocking down aisles. Dude. Yeah. I don knocking down aisles. Dude.

Yeah, I don't know, man. The city's like... It's out of control. I'm starting to watch movies again, too. That's good. Which I never used to do. Yeah. I was watching The Mummy last night, dude.

Oh, really? Is that The Rock or Jake Gyllenhaal? The Mummy. I'm talking about the old one. The ones that are actually good. Oh, okay. They're hilarious. Really?

One dude like is obsessed with this girl and he like laser down in his tomb. Yeah. Legit chops off her tits, dude. Really? And just walks away with them. Yeah. Bro, that is a sick move. Yeah.

Like these are mine now. That movie is so good though. That's sick. that is a sick move yeah like these are mine now movie's so good though that's sick i've been listening to podcasts about like i've been listening to podcasts like the revolution and it's fucking dude it is like the funniest thing like dude don't listen to any podcasts about the revolution because you'll hate american colonists dude they were such fucking idiots dude like literally britain was like britain was like taxing america everyone in the world like 20 like all their colonies and they were taxing american colonies six percent and in then dude

the british the british government literally with like the stamp act is like what caused the revolution i got to set it off the british government literally goes where it was a tax cut they go we're gonna cut your taxes from six percent to three percent and everyone ride dude they're like fuck you dude for no reason they just got drunk and started flipping out dude and like rioting it was the it's the funniest thing dude it makes dude everything that happened made no sense, dude. Really? Yeah. It was fucking unbelievable.

You a big history guy? I like history, yeah. Yeah. I fucking... I'm just not good with it, man. I, like, didn't for a while. When I was, like, young, we would always go on, like... Like, my dad likes history.

So, like, we would go on, like, history, like, fucking vacations. It's, like, Gettysburg and shit. But... And then, like, I didn't really read history or whatever for a while but like lately i've been like into it again and it's dude there's so much funny stuff like yeah it's actually hilarious what was that war on the beach war on the beach d-day bro that makes it seem so chill oh the one where like fucking 20 000 guys died in like

like a fucking hour dude that i mean dude it's not i mean it's kind of funny it is dude that's what i'm saying it's obviously we can say but if you think about it it is funny it is funny to just to just literally be like nah keep going keep going keep going and just everyone's just getting mowed down and they're like are we should we stop and they're just like nah keep going keep going it's not funny if you read about it but if you don't know what's going on you just saw you're like an average american you don't know shit about anything dude and someone pops in a dvd and it's just m60s going on this guy's like yeah you're gonna be like why are they like why do they keep trying yeah i'd immediately i'd be like literally for hours

dude i'd rather just get eaten by a shark dude yeah dude i'm not i mean like i don't know man the whole like you know what do you think you would all right if what would if you were like a soldier like at that time like what would you be what would you be doing i'd jump off the boat dude there's no way i'm going in there i'd swim into like nothing dude it's like everyone like yeah they dude why didn't they just i would literally just be like fuck i just take all my uniform off, just jump off the back of the boat and just like swim out.

Well, dude, I mean, realistically, like it would depend. Like if I went through training and stuff, I'd be fucking brainwashed. I'd be like, oh dude, I'm doing this for my boys back home. Yeah. Yeah. You know, my bitch is back home. But like nowadays, dude, I'd be like, fuck this. I'm not doing this for these fucking assholes yeah

dude fuck this dude yeah dude there were like there were like in vietnam there were like mad like a lot of people i talked to a vietnam vet recently and he was like he was like i don't fly like a prisoner of war and like missing an action flag because he was like all the he was like i don't fly like a prisoner of war and like missing an action flag because he was like all the he was like those are all like deserters he said like there would be like there was like whole like groups out there that were just of dudes that were just like fuck this and they were just like ran off into the jungle and we're just like we're not doing this there was dude it was probably so diversified like some dudes were just like against weed while other people were just high as shit yeah yeah yeah there was there was one there was one lieutenant over there who's like i think it's like kind of famous he

like he would like if he found like his guys like smoking weed he would like kill them like as american soldiers he would just like execute them yeah no war is fun dude war is like i think war is gonna dude i think if you had all right dude what dude if me and you were in charge right we would have like of the military yeah i would this is what i would do i'd have like all like I think war is going to... Dude, I think if you had... All right, dude. Dude, if me and you were in charge, right? We would have, like, of the military. Yeah. This is what I would do. I would have, like, all, like, regular shit.

Then I would have... But I would have one special forces group of guys. Like, it would be guys like me and you. And it would literally... They would just be there to, like, confuse... Like, their training would be, like, how to jerk off and run full speed. Like, it would be, like, crazy, like, wicked, like, confusing tactics. Yeah. Like, they would just be, like, running in circles.

Yeah, like diversion tactics. Yeah, exactly, dude. With, like, weird-ass, like, clothing. Dude, if I was a sergeant or whatever the top tier is. Yeah. Definitely not a sergeant. Really? Lieutenant?

I mean, like, top is, like, general. Corporal? A general is like if i was a leader of any sorts yeah i would just have everyone take like an iq test yeah and i would just put the dumb shits in front and be like listen that's basically what they do yeah that's literally that's literally what they do how insane is that or like i guess like an asbap i'd be like listen guys like we got to narrow it down yeah you know i'm saying like yeah realistically dude yeah i'm just kidding i wouldn't do that i'd be like i would just put everyone on like naked on horses like in ma like today's times no honestly like in all seriousness i would do exactly what

you just said it's just confusing shit yeah just so like the other the enemy would think that they're like hallucinating yeah yeah like i would literally just like in the middle of the night at like two in the morning i would just start blind firing in the air in my tent inside a base inside your own base yeah just fuck yeah dude like i can't even pretend to be a good leader yeah dude you just get inside a cannon just launch yourself behind enemy lines dude even like uh when i watch those shows like the um hell week shows yeah dude when they when the when the fucking uh what do you even call them the dudes were like the seal like navy seals yeah when the river like the seals who run

it yeah who are in charge buds instructors yeah instructors dude when they start like screaming at people like inches away from their face yeah i would be i'd be dying dude that's why goggins fucking cracks me up like you you definitely watch like the goggins shit with like his story where he's like uh when they they're, like, he's, like, who's going to carry the boats? Who's going to, like, they were probably, like, mad confused. They were, like, this guy's, like, literally having, like, a psychotic breakdown. That's a legitimate disorder, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. They probably, like, almost, like, he flunked out once, I think. They probably did it because he was, like. Twice. His first two. Oh, really? Yeah. Because couldn't he, like, not swim? There was, once, I think. They probably did it because he was like... His first two. Oh, really? Yeah. Couldn't he like not swim? There was like a bone.

Dude, it's so funny. They're just like, I'm going to be a Navy SEAL. And then they're like, dude, you literally can't swim. And he just like, no, dude, it's all your mind power. And then just jumps in the pool and like starts to drown. Dude. And they're like, it's not mind power. Like you literally actually have to know how to swim.

Honestly, dude, nothing is funny to me about that guy. dude like it's not mind power like you literally actually have to know how to swim honestly dude nothing is funny to me about that guy like oh he's hilarious to me really dude he's that guy is like an inspiration to me if i if i met that dude in person i would get hard really yeah because i read his book dude it's so good yeah it's the only book i've ever read where i've been like i can't put this down dude really yeah i read like 10 pages and i was like i'm not gonna move from this spot but don't isn't like it's inspiring but like there's always a part of me that's like he's kind of like a he's kind of fucking yeah dude like he no one's ever gonna be on his level but like yeah if you read the book you'll be like just the shit he says yeah you can't like argue with it because it's like no i think i don't know it might not

resonate with you but no i i i like shit like that i i do he's not like saying like you have to be a fucking yeah hardcore like but like i just want to fuck with like jocko is like so serious all the time like i want to be like dude i want to like fart in front of him and like see what that guy's not serious at all man man. That guy. Jocko? Jocko? He's so serious, dude. Yeah, maybe, like, on his podcast and stuff. He's talking to, like, war veterans.

Bro, I think that should be our podcast. Like, we should, like, it should be, like, a black background, like, me and you. It should be in black and white and, like, dimly lit. And then we should just talk about, like, farts. Yeah, we should wear women's tights, too, and smoke cigarettes. Yeah. Wicked, but be wicked serious. Yeah. Like, dude, I was fucking. about like farts yeah we should wear woman's tights too and smoke cigarettes yeah wicked but be wicked serious yeah like dude i was fucking i was like in the fucking we would have to like make up stories though nothing about us is serious oh shit my pants dude and the enemy came

i just shit started throwing my shit at them i don't know dude i uh yeah like i read that book dude and like actually changed my life for a little bit, but now I just forgot about it. Yeah, that's what happened. That's like every time you're young and you go see a movie, you're like, oh, I'm that guy in the movie. Well, dude, his whole idea is like the one thing that stood out to me from what he said in the book is like he talks shit about motivation which is hilarious to me dude because it's all he does right now that's the that's the whole like misconception well he's like you know you shouldn't do like you know how you see like motivational shit like yeah online and stuff yeah he like talks shit about that he's like that's

like that's bullshit man yeah like he talks more about like discipline yeah yeah and like he makes it funny though because he's like fucking quotes not gonna change your life yeah like go out and like actually do shit yeah it's like actually like uplifting yeah no that's good i like he says in the book he's like you shouldn't need me to like do shit yeah which also makes a lot of sense whereas like other people are like oh i need this to fuck yeah you know yeah you should be like shit he says you should be intrinsically intrinsically motivated it's like the realest shit i've ever read in my life yeah i was like this is the only book i've ever read where i've been like i actually agree with this shit dude yeah but it is kind of serious and i'm kind of like not serious yeah that's the one

thing it's like i like hanging out with him would just be like like it would just be like annoying after a while you would just be running forever dude yeah so much i mean that would be kind of funny though he runs like a fucking weirdo too he's just like his videos i'm just like dude i just want like i just want to get like hit by a car kind of like do you think you have low t you think that's why me no really what gets you like jacked up though like amped yeah seeing i like seeing like what motivates me is like seeing shit like he he's, I like, that is motivating to me.

But like, like, you know, like free soul, like, did you see the free solo about Alex Arnold? Yeah. Like that shit gets me like pumped.

Yeah. Cause I'm like, this guy is like, like, uh, Goggins is, Goggins is great, but Goggins like,

I don't know. Goggins is like still doing it to like he's still writing this book and like he's still like is like an online like a motivational person whether he wants to say is or not that guy Alex Honnold like is legit like a psychopath who's like climbing these like cliffs these insane climbs like with no rope like by himself and like not telling anyone like people had to like kind of discover that he was doing it he would just go and when he was like a kid he would go and be doing it and like no and then like finally like that dude jimmy chin who shot that he's like a national geographic photographer he like he was like wait what where you go like what have you been doing? Can I come and shoot this and watch and get to know you and stuff? He was just out doing it.

That shit gets me pumped because there's people like that in the world that are just doing this insane stuff without even telling anyone. Yeah. I don't agree with you, but I respect what you're saying. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, though? I don't know. Kind of, but dude, when he climbed that, when he, like, free soloed that, he still had the camera crew there. Yeah, but he—

That's how they made the fucking— Yeah, but he—but that's to do that. Like, he had been doing shit like that. Not that he hadn't free soloed El Cap, but he was doing climbs like that for, like, years. And he still does, like, without anyone there. Like, and doesn't tell anyone. Like, he just does it because, like, he is fucking tapped and just likes to do that but he definitely got like the free solo on video yeah yeah for sure versus like dude i think goggins is the exact opposite dude like

when he ran those races those 200 mile races in the bad bad water and yeah dude nobody got him like on like literally you're shitting out blood yeah like at bad water you know what i mean yeah yeah so it's like dude when you tell you're like he'll like tell the story but there's no fucking way this happened and then you're like you'll see in like a fucking article and you'll be like yeah what the fuck dude yeah but he's still on instagram every day like like having someone film him while he's running it's his wife dude still like it's still putting me i get what you know what i mean yeah i i still like i still like respect it and still like it on the road. I get what you're saying. You know what I mean? Yeah. I still, like, I still, like, respect it and still, like, it is motivating. But, like, that, I also, like, grew up running.

So, I, like, know better runners than him that are, like, it's, like, more impressive. But, like, people just don't know. Like, do you know, have you heard of Scott Jurek? No, I don't know him. He's, like, the best, the best like american law like ultra marathon runner of all time he like set the american like 24 hour record he ran like 100 and fucking like 60 something miles in 24 hours or 180 um maybe 200 now actually he like set the record for the appalachian trail he ran from fucking georgia to mount katahdin in

maine like he like that shit's like he like he's a beast i don't know i like goggins and shit but like cam haynes like i kind of don't cam haynes i like the least out of everyone i think he's the most like like i'm doing it for show kind of i'm i'm if i ever met him i would be like suck his dick immediately and be like take this dick immediately and take this all dude I would take it all back but yeah yeah that's just kind of like I don't know what you think about it dude like those guys are a hundred times more manly than we are yeah yeah for sure you kind of have to like be like yeah a hundred if I ran two miles right now like I would legitimately have to wipe my ass for like four hours really yeah like do i literally have to wipe my ass

like when i don't even have to take a shit yeah that's your biggest downfall is like the shitting like that's what's gonna like no like i wipe sometimes yeah i don't even have to shit yeah you just need a wipe i'm just like i have to go wipe yeah so those guys yeah they probably don't even wipe yeah your asshole is like a like a real issue yeah it's not like i'm like eating unhealthy either it's just like no it's like a shit well it's a shit ton of protein and coffee dude i don't even eat that much protein dude really yeah dude i don't think i'm gonna help like a healthy human being at all i think i'm losing weight now too yeah now that we're here dude i'm so out of shape now that we here yeah dude it's annoying i'm like i'm like trying to gain weight now it's like really i just miss being

fat dude really yeah dude you should get wicked fat that'd be hilarious no homo like you you don't shave your chest do you no i like once a year or twice a year i was like manscaped or no uh no i just have like an electric razor like once or twice a year i will because it's like i have to yeah i got a lot of chest hair dude i literally I've been like losing weight and like I haven't shaved my chest at all. And like my chest gets like. What does that have to do with anything? It's just something I used to do. I used to be like really adamant about like manscaping my chest.

Really? Yeah, dude. I don't know why. That's crazy. You're turning into another fucking human being, dude. You should let yourself. Dude, it is like my favorite movie is uh the johnny cash uh is i walk the line because he's like literally like ruins his entire life because of like music like i like

i think it's sick like it's kind of what we're doing yeah we just have to make a song at the end dude yeah it's called gay yeah it's just us holding hands. Yeah. It's just like, yeah. It should be us holding hands like in this, like while we're in these chairs. Yeah. It's like a trap remix. We should, dude, it should be like us holding hands in these chairs and it just starts off as like beautiful, like violin music and it just turns into like hardcore porn. Yeah.

Not us though yeah just the background yeah in the background and then like a bunch of like latin like satanic verses yeah and then like down with the sickness it's just like a bunch of it's just like 30 different types of music like laid over each other just sounds terrible like a bunch of farts in the background that's the intro to the podcast is just like the worst and then i just take out like a like an mp7 yeah like both of us just fire start blind do we just start blind probably like later like taking down the drywall it's like it's like falling bro also dude have you been thinking about like like we haven't like heard from the landlord bro i think we might dude i it's literally

in my head for the past like week i'm like i think we might live here for free the whole year like i literally think they like forgot that we're here and like we might just like stay yeah like i'm very scared i'm not gonna reach out to contact them dude i'm on my last straw man like if anything sketchy happens yeah oh dude i I swear to God, I'll drive through this fucking place. Oh, my God. Dude, you could legitimately drive through this place and be fine. Yeah. Like, look at this window, dude.

You could literally. Yeah. You could start. I mean, you could get up to, like, 80 on this road. You could make it through this whole place. Yeah, dude. I could go to bed in my car if I wanted to. Like, I could just pull it straight in dude and into my bedroom imagine if you played like uh like um cheryl crow

like the whole volume and you started from like a few streets over dude but i have like rolling a video to send to the landlord you're dude you're drinking like a bud light yeah you rip it going 70 through here make it to your bedroom. Yeah. And like knock out. Yeah. What would you do if you woke up in the morning and nobody noticed? Dude, you know what I would do?

I would just patch up this wall. You'd patch it up. Bro, I would patch up this wall. I'd replace the window. I'd repair the wall. I'd clean the place up immaculate. And I like clean my car off like wicked clean, sparkling clean.

And then I'd call the landlord and I'd be like, Hey, we've, I have a problem with the smoke detector in my room again. Can I, can you have someone take a look at it? And I'll have them come in and there'll just be a fucking Audi sitting in my room.

Dude. Well, it'd be funny if you fixed everything spotless yeah and then you were like hey uh i need some help uh one of the uh the fire alarms isn't working whatever yeah and uh when she got here you drove through the place i was like i was just like hey the the um the front wall is to our house is smashed. And then she comes to your ear and you're like, yeah, the wall is fucked up.

And she's like, what are you talking about? It's perfectly fine. And then I just came from up the street going like 120 and just fucking plowed through it, dude. We should get GoPros. And die, dude. We should get GoPros and get a video. We should get gopros and die dude we should get gopros and get a video

we should get gopros get a video it's like me on the other side of this wall yeah and i'm jerking off outside yeah so the video is like me jerking off outside yeah and then you see you drive through the front and we should put it on her LinkedIn page. Like an endorser? Yeah, that'd be sick. Like looking for an endorsement? No, it just says

poop with a question mark. Just message her and say, hey, we're wondering if you could endorse our uh which me and john started like a construction llc and we're wondering if you can endorse our work here's a video and just we send her a video of us just driving through the front of our house dude oh man dude fuck dude i think we might like i look literally like i'm wondering when she's going to contact

us about paying yeah i don't really i don't even know man i don't want to think about anything serious for a while i know i know yeah yeah anytime things get serious i'm just like i'm out of here. Fuck this. I can do like five minutes of something serious at a time. And then I'm like, all right, time to reset, dude. Yeah, you're not good at that. Dude, you're actually going to go to the gym at the same time as me?

Yeah. Okay. I mean, dude, we should spot each other. I'm down. I don't know what I was going to do. I haven't figured it out yet. Dude, we should max out. Dude, we should max out. Dude, we should, like, go there.

We should walk in, no warm-up. Just go over to this fucking squat bar. Each blow our knees out and then just, like, leave, dude. How are we going to leave, dude? Dude, call an ambulance. Literally, we should go to the front desk and say, Hey, can you call an ambulance? And then should go to the front desk and say hey can you call an ambulance and then walk over to the squat bar and blow our fucking knees out dude we should

but it'd be so funny to walk in get a member to get a membership be like hey how much is it one day pass i'm just like i'm never coming back here after this. They're like, what? All right. It's like 25 bucks. And we just walk over to the squat bar and fucking kill ourselves. Dude, we should both eat like six Fiber One bars. Yeah. And then max out on the hip thrust machine. Yeah. Just fart every time we go up.

Shit everywhere. We could go and do a circuit of like the weirdest exercises we can think of. Dude, at one time, I took a video of this too. I took a video of this one time at my gym. I like went over to the, you know how there's like all the videos of people doing like wicked or retarded workouts where they're like on like a BOSU ball and they're like squatting and they have like bands everywhere. Dude, I went to the gym and I went over to the bench and I just like started like wrapping

bands like everywhere and like was just like started like wrapping bands like everywhere and like was hanging like you know like the yoga blocks i would like tied like a yoga block to like a band and then like hung it from the bar so i had like fucking 10 different like bands and like shit on it and then i was doing one rep like i was doing one rep sets dude i just like just like send a video to my friend i'm not to be able to go to the gym with you because I'll just laugh the whole time like you're there. No, I'm pretty serious at the gym, although you might make me laugh.

I made a video once at the gym and I was lying down on the ground and I just started humping the air as hard as I could. And in the background, I played I'm a Boss by Rick Ross. Yeah, it's sick. Dude, I used to take videos of people at the gym doing weird exercises. I went to this one gym in Tewksbury near where my dad lives. And, like, dude, every time I was in there, it was, like, the weirdest people.

Like, it would be, like, dude, I love, like, the old guys. Like, there was an old guy who would wear gloves, and he would just do, every day he would just do curls. Like, he would go to the gym just like max curls, dude. It was like hilarious. And those guys are everywhere, dude. Yeah. We should do an exercise where we take those med balls and we should just throw them at

our nuts, dude. Like we should take turns. Dude, if we like caused the scene in there, how fast do you think it would take to get like kicked out? I mean, if we kept a straight face, I think we could do a lot of stuff dude the turf is like endless ball we could do fucking hilarious exercises on the turf like dude i want to sprint up and down the turf like as hard as i fucking can yeah dude have you ever made a pussy out of your dick uh no really what does that mean like insert like invert it next time you take a shower when you get out, just, like, pull your dick down.

Oh, between your legs? Yeah. Yeah. And it makes a pussy, dude. Yeah. We should do that on the turf and do, like, 40-yard dashes. Dude, the showers in there are fucking mad weird, too. Dude, while you're running the 40-yard dash.

Dude, you should tie me. I should try to throw med balls at you while you're running. Dude, we should set up an obstacle course in there. We should set up an obstacle course, dude. Dude, we should do an exercise. We take 45-pound blades, dude, and we put them on like a rope and we just swing them as hard as we can dude and like fucking

try to play frisbee with them dude we should show up with legit frag grenades just throw them towards the treadmill area and what and just kill a bunch of people that's not a prank that's like mass murder dude just dude we should make pipe bombs

dude if you threw we should make dude we should make we should walk in with four backpacks each and just leave them like around dude and just have wires sticking out of them dude if you threw fucking 12 grenades at the same dude people would get fucked up people would be like dude 12 would be like dude it's dude it's mad funny because like in new york like you like i feel like there's like fitness influencers in there and shit like girls that are like mad and like dudes that are like wicked fucking territorial serious dude we could see like a dude like taking like a video like posing in a mirror just walk by him and drop a fragger in his feet dude just like get their reaction yeah i haven't i haven't seen any there but dude if you go like prime, primetime. Yeah.

Yeah, when it's packed with the most people, the most fucking potential victims. Yeah. I mean, dude, I'm down to do, like, some retarded shit. Yeah. Like, dude, you could get me, like, if we're squatting, dude. Yeah. Just, like, lay down under me. Yeah. Dude, I would lay down under me. Yeah.

Dude, I would do that. That's hilarious. That's wicked funny. And just every time you come down, I just moan. Dude, you just... Dude. Every time I go down, you just finger my ass. Yeah.

And then, like, lick it. Yeah. And, like, look at the person next to us. Yeah. Just be like, you're next. Dude, what's up dude dude you know what i think about a lot is like uh when people are squatting like heavy yeah dude

you know how funny it would be to like run them over them from behind and like kick them with both yeah drop kick them i was just thinking that it'd be so funny dude it'd be so funny to like have someone with that much weight on their back and like dude you could like literally just walk by and like hit him in the nuts dude yeah but dude if you kicked him with both of your legs and fell on your back and then you stood up yeah like where's my fucking daughter? But they would be so confused dude If you walk dude, oh my god dude If you walked in them with the fucking RPG and just stood on top of someone while they were benching,

just aimed it at their head and just started fucking screaming at them. I love how people are like, dude, what are you talking about in your podcast? Dude, talk about dropkicking people while they're squatting. Dude, you remind me of like, you're just someone I could never be around, like, in, like, a serious situation. Oh, my God, dude. If we were in, like, a class together. Well, no, dude, even, like, dude, when I was in high school, there was this one kid, Brennan Joyce. Literally the funniest kid I've ever met in my life, dude.

Yeah. He would, like, make sounds. Yeah. He was, like, huge, and he would just make sound like yeah do the dumbest shit dude yeah and like dude one day we were he was trying to play football so we went to like the uh like the uh fucking pre-tryouts whatever like you basically just exercise and go through the motions and stuff and do like physical fitness tests dude so we're doing jumping jacks and his nuts are like flapping against his leg yeah like wicked hard dude and the coach

started screaming because he was like who the fuck is clapping and like dude he couldn't help it like he was just he must have had huge balls dude yeah but it was like it was shit like that where i was like i just can't be around this dude. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to be good at football, but I'm just like, I can't because of him. I can't take it serious. And he was hindering my potential, which was even funnier. Bro.

To be like, oh, you could be good at football, but this kid is too funny. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking funny. Like at halftime? It's actually fucking you up. Like at halftime, the coach would come in and just start ripping people just like calling them pussies and stuff yeah and he would just start

laughing his ass off it's like dude you can't do that it is so funny dude one time my coach be like dude my coach is my coach in high school for a track was like a fucking psychopath and dude one time track yeah yeah all i did cross country and then in track in the winter oh so that's why you like running running yeah in the summer yeah and um dude he was like he would like do like wicked fucked up shit and like to like fuck with everyone's heads like he was like once we had like a meet and uh it was like before like we're in the locker room he like standing on a bench and like like normally like a coach would give like, before, like, we were in the locker room. He, like, standing on a bench and, like, normally, like, a coach would, like, give, like, a pregame, like, or whatever. Just, like, like in football, like, a pregame speech or whatever.

Like, pump everyone up. He was just, like, talking wicked calm. And he was, like, holding a banana. Dude, he was just, like, talking. He started eating the banana without peeling it. Dude, he was just, like, chomping. Just, like, eating the full banana. Wow.

And just talking like nothing happened and then just walked out is that a track meet yeah he's fucking nuts dude holy shit yeah he was insane one one like uh the coach of like gloucester was like like said something about our team in the paper like talks like whatever some shit about us in the paper like said they were better than us and dude he walked up to him at the at the he had the newspaper at the game or at the at the meet and like he like it ended we beat them and he was walking across the field and he started crumpling up the newspaper and put he was started chewing it and then he walked up to the guy and he took it out of his mouth and handed it to it like Like shook his hand and like handed it to him.

Like the wet, like fucking newspaper. Yeah. It was insane, dude. He was nuts. Dude. If you have kids,

like, do you think you're going to be like that? No, but sometimes like all like, yeah, I think you have to like throw shit in. Like, that's like,

Oh, dad's like, dad is fucking insane. Yeah. You need to like keep them on their toes. Do you think that exists nowadays? Yeah. And maybe not so much now, but I wonder what it's going to be like mean i don't think i'm ever gonna have kids really i mean if i did like i wonder what it'd be like though like the parents

yeah i think you'd be a wicked good dad yeah i do i feel like i'd be too chill though i'd be like yeah you know your wife would have to be like i mean your wife would literally like because you're you're retarded like you she would have to do literally everything you'd have to do the ground yeah she'd have to do most of the work fucking every like you would sit there with your like baby and just like laugh at it yeah just drop and then like hand it to your wife and like you'd go play video games yeah keep the car on in the garage yeah dude i came home the other day and the candles on your room you weren't here really yeah i was just like burning probably just taking out the trash dude no you were gone you weren't on around

i probably farted a bunch dude i was like i'll let this run for a while yeah dude i don't want someone coming to my room and just being like dude yeah because it could fucking be bad yeah i think you need to like my grandmother was kind of like that like she was fucking nuts like she would she showed up to our house one day for halloween we were like pretty young but like not that young and she like she was dressed as a full witch and uh she had like leaves in her hair she was like a mess we're like what hat like what are you doing and she's like she's like oh i was flying here in my broom and like some like bitch who was like another witch like shot me out of the sky and i landed in your bushes and she like parked her car around the

corner and just showed up like leaves in her hair was like swearing was she like cocked no she was maybe she was a fucking alcoholic but she was like she was wicked funny she would do shit like that all the time she would like fuck with like she that's i that's where like i get i think like it from like like i like to like fuck with people and like confused like she at work they had like a like a message board on like in her like at her work it was like a big bulletin board and like when people would do well, their boss would pin up a thing, like a note about whoever. And she would just write notes.

She would be like, Cindy smells like shit. And shit like that. And she'd put it up there. She was always doing that shit. It was fun. Hopefully, we're like that when we're older. I hope if I have kids, I have cool friends who have kids. So that we can all hang out and stuff. Yeah.

And do, like, really stupid stuff, dude. Yeah. Dude, we just drive, we put our kids in the backseat and drive around, like, screaming at people. Like, if one of us has, like, a big backyard, dude, we should, like, buy, like, ATVs and paintball guns, dude. Just, like, shoot each other from the deck. It'd be funny if we, like, didn't have a big backyard.

Because, like, this front yard yard and we're just ripping donuts. We have 0% ownership in the lawn. Bro, I could see you being to your wife, I'm going to get little Randy, your son. He's six. I could see you being like, yeah, I'm going to get him a dirt bike or a bicycle or something. And just coming home with a full adult-sized ATV

and just putting them on it and being like, go ahead. Dude, if I have a wife and she pisses me off, I'm going to put a big sign in our front lawn that says paintball. Just have dudes come in and just fucking tear it up. I'll just put a boundary in the middle. Dude, you could put out a Craigslist ad

and be like, there's a massive paintball war at this address in an unoccupied home just have people come in and just blast your wife i'll be like yeah you want to fuck me dude yeah dude i feel like i'm gonna come home one day and like this apartment's gonna be like fucking destroyed and you're gonna be like just going and going nuts i don't think I could physically do it, but mentally I could definitely destroy this place in my mind. Yeah, yeah. I used to work with this dude who did hardwood floors,

and I was in college, and he was giving this guy an estimate, and the guy, it was like a really serious customer. Yeah. It was like a very nice house, and the guy had just built it for his daughter from scratch. and he's like talking to this dude and uh the dude finally leaves and i was like dude what would you do if i just took an axe and just started smashing these cabinets and he like with a straight face was like this is why you'll never own your own business and i was like dude i'm just fucking around like dude i want to actually do it dude he was so mad i was like dude i'm just fucking around like dude i'm gonna actually do it dude he's so bad i

was like dude i'm just fucking around man like i wouldn't actually do that dude you like think about like the potential of like like amount you could fuck around if like you had like heavy machinery dude you could just like literally like move like bold and i'm really good with heavy machinery dude to be honest that's why i would be Dude, if you had a forklift, like, you just drive around, dude. That's what we should get, forklifts for New York. Just drive in the bike lane, dude. The biggest thing for me about, like, big machinery, though, dude, is, like, if you see me in it, it just doesn't look right. I think it looks right.

I think if you saw the look on your face, it wouldn't look right. That's what I'm talking about. Like, if you see my, like, serious face, knowing how immature I am. Yeah. In, like, a big bobcat. Yeah. You're going to be like, all right. Yeah.

This is fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, I feel like you look like, like, you, a hard hat would, like, look so natural on you. Yeah. I mean, I think more like a helmet with a cage. I'm more of, like, a cage type. That'd be so funny.

Hard hat wouldn't do the job. Dude, we should should get we should apply to construction jobs and just show up in like hockey gear and just like some of those guys who move dirt get paid decent money man yeah they get paid a lot yeah yeah to legitimately move dirt dude we should take a whole cdl class and then on the last day like they like take you out like an 18 wheeler and like they test you and like we just fucking like look at the guy and be like we're going we're going to hell right now dude wicked dead serious and just fucking hit the gas what is cd plow over all the cones cdl is like uh your cdl license to like operate like tractor heavy machine yeah tractor trailers all that yeah yeah we could go

to like uh if they do like driving tests we could go to like one of the parking lots. Yeah. They do do that. Yeah. Just take out like a paintball gun or like a potato launcher. Yeah. Right in the middle of driving and fucking tip it.

Just aim it at the instructor. Just shoot yourself and then fucking pop the clutch, dude. Like blow the transmission just completely destroy the truck i would be like i would be in the tractor trailer just stationary like revving the engine for like five minutes straight yeah that was legitimately trying to move yeah just like have you seen videos of you it was like makes you die laughing it's like people in a car like their friends video like videotaping them like all right see you later and the person in

the car is like all right see ya and they like they like turn around to like look behind them and then they like hit but it's in drive and they like go forward dude we could do that bobby type stuff yeah we could do that in an 18. Dude, when I was in college, I saw Talladega Nights. My roommate, I had two roommates. One of them I was pretty close with. He didn't know me that well. I had another roommate who was newer who had no idea who I was.

It was the scene where Ricky Bobby is driving blind, blindfolded. He drives to the house. Dude, I like never laughed so hard in my life yeah but like nobody else found it funny dude that's that's literally the part I mean that's like perfectly your sense if you've never seen that scene and you see that dude that's the funniest fucking thing literally the funniest thing I think that shit's like the funniest shit like I want I would love to, like, one day, like, make shit like that. Yeah. I was thinking about that today when I was watching a movie. Like, dude, if the first scene of a movie is so important to, like, really, you know,

like, get the viewers. Yeah, to really, like, set the tone, dude. Yeah. And, like, I think about this all the time, dude. If I ever made a movie, the first scene would be me in a car and like you next to me yeah and i would just yell helen keller's tits yeah and drive through a building yeah and everyone be like what the fuck people would be like yeah yeah that would be a good movie like it's like two cops that i feel like this has been done like nobody would know who we are it's just me with a straight face and

you're a straight face yeah and i just scream helen Helen Keller's tits at the top of my lungs. And drive through it. Like, as fast as I can with, like, dude, so much passion, like, so much emotion. Yeah. Like, unreal emotion, dude. Yeah. Like, I'm so, I'm trying so hard. I think about it all the time, like, in serious, like, I want to one day, I want to make a

serious movie, like, an hour and a half movie where it's like serious the whole time. Like Saving Private Ryan and then the last scene, they just do something that makes no sense whatsoever and just ends. Yeah. Like what though? Yeah, that's... You're still trying to figure that part out? Yeah, yeah. That's as far as I've gotten.

Yeah. But like... Yeah, dude, you could make a movie where it's like a guy who's trying to be I've gotten. Yeah. But like. Yeah, dude, you could make a movie where it's like, it's like a guy who's trying to be a police officer. Yeah. And it takes you through the whole story, dude, like three years of his life. Yeah. Like the physical, the mental, you know, trials and tribulations.

Yeah. And then it's finally like the last scene is his first day on the job. Yeah. And he walks into like fucking David's bridal with a dildo on his forehead. Yeah. And eagle wings eagle wings yeah and he just fucking just starts shooting at the ceiling yeah he's just everyone like it's like a two and a half hour movie yeah like that's the last scene that'd be so funny credits roll it'd be so funny that's what i want to do dude or like he like goes through like so much shit like to try to

become a cop family and like then like he just like on the like it ends it's like his boss is like it's all right malcolm like you're officially a police officer like hands him a gun and he just like takes the gun just like shoots him immediately just like shoots his boss everyone's like oh and just gets arrested then like the credits roll yeah yeah that'd be fucking so funny yeah i mean you would definitely you would need a lot of funding for that yeah like for the yeah we should start making we should start taking movies and like put like just like show the actual movie then like cut to like a scene where it's like me and you wearing like i'm like wearing the movie and then we just do something like that we should just make our own movie dude yeah with like a gopro yeah it's like

shitty it'll be so bad dude it'll be unwatchable i mean i don't know dude i used to make some like fart sketches so yeah i've seen them they're good you have a good like um what's it called when catalog you have a good catalog of work i mean i've i've done honestly like if if you had the option to do like acting or comedy like what would you do comedy definitely yeah that would be tough for me i would like your i'd be like you're telling me i can make millions to be like i know even if i was just like that guy in the movie who like it just shows my reaction yeah i feel like i'd be pretty good at that. I feel like that, well, you'd be the worst at.

Really? No, no. Like something crazy happens and it like, the screen shifts to like the guy's reaction who's like, what the fuck my life. Yeah. Like the guy from Superbad who works in the alcohol store. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that would be great. Yeah. You'd be perfect at that. That guy like is you. Yeah. You're like, like when he goes to the party and gets like a drink spilled on great. Yeah, you'd be perfect at that. That guy, like, is you. Yeah. You're just like... Like when he goes to the party and gets, like, a drink spilled on him. Yeah.

He's like, fuck my life. Fuck my life, yeah. And just, like... Yeah, that would be perfect. I feel like I would be, like... I don't know. I don't even know what I would be. I'd be just, like, an extra.

I'd be, like, a good friend. Yeah. Yeah. Just, like, but... You'd be, like like that good friend that like the the protagonist like forgets about yeah yeah i'm just you come back in the end because he's like his life falls apart and you realize it's like you actually like yeah real and like mattered to him yeah you're like living in your parents basement he's like i just fucking kill

him dude he's like dude what have you been up to man like i'm sorry like if i left you man like i kind of forgot about you and you just be like oh you know same old same old yeah just take out a crossbow dude i'm just like it doesn't even he like tries to fight he like he like tries to find me to like get back to me because he realizes but i just like next thing you know it's just like at my funeral i'm just like i killed myself that's kind of like what i want to be like when i'm older though not without like aside from the killing dude just be like that dude who like people go through like some tough shit yeah and then they remember me and they're like john was a real one dude yeah i'm like living with my mom

dude just like making eggs and you're like they like reach back out to you yeah i'm like dude you want to come over what's your like idea like say this all works out like comedy whatever what's like your like ideal situation probably just be dead in like a few years honestly really i want to go out pretty early that's sick yeah you're gonna go out with like a crate in a crazy way i would love to like film a special and then just get hit by a fucking tank dude yeah you know who was talking about um someone's talking about a uh did i tell you about this like it was a dude in like seattle that killed himself at an open mic i think it was seattle really yeah he like didn't he didn't know what mic's that it was like a song where he was like the name of the song was like sorry for the mess and he just like sang like three minutes of

the song like we're just like sorry for the mess and then at the end of it he's just like took out a knife and like stabbed himself a bunch of times what the fuck yeah it's so weird man that's a great that's funny though no like that's a good joke i don't want to live long dude no for real though for real like your ideal legitimately i don't want to live like for that long you want like three years is what you want to live dude why dude you're no like if making it to me

is not like what other like I don't want to be famous or anything yeah yeah but like what is I always want to do like comedy for a living yeah okay

and like travel and shit and like I want to have a good like group of friends yeah that's really all I want dude yeah like I want to be able to

like have like real friends dude yeah yeah just like chill all the time yeah you know what i mean dude amen yeah it's really it honestly dude we need to start we should like go to like no we should like go to dinner or something yeah like once a week dude yeah go to like trivia yeah we should go to a state like a wicked expensive steakhouse and then just like one of us like i'll fake a seizure yeah like we'll just like I'll fake a seizure. Yeah, like we'll just leave. I'll just give you mouth to mouth, dude. Yeah.

Like once a week, we'll just go to a restaurant. Just like build chemistry. Yeah. By like having fake seizures, fake medical emergencies. We should do that. Honestly, like it'd be good. No, but dude, like I have a. I mean, like, dude, I have pretty close friends back home, but I think getting some more friends and, like, reuniting with those other friends when I'm older, dude.

Yeah. Like, lifelong relationships, man. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, I don't know, dude, I just think that's cool, man. No, that's good. Even, like, shows, dude, when you see them and they're, like. Oh, it's the best. You have, like, a group of friends you can really go to.

Yeah. That's just, like, fucking. Like, I did a, I did a fundraiser this weekend and uh like i didn't even know like what the deal was with it and uh it was like in the middle of nowhere but the other two comics in lineup are mo and jimmy cash and i was like this is fucking awesome because like this gig would suck honestly like yeah it was just like a tough like fundraiser and i was like fuck like i'm so far i was like late but like they were there and like it was awesome because like we just like we're talking about how like shitty it was yeah i mean it was a good time but yeah man just

having like a group of friends you can like fuck around with yeah it's like the best man yeah it's not like easy yeah no especially like here dude but Nah, we'll get into the swing of things, dude. Yeah. Damn, this just got mad depressing. Not really, dude. I think it was a good fucking ending, dude. It was good, yeah. All right, you're right.

Sorry. No more negativity. Let's go hit the gym, dude. All right.