The Johnny Salami Podcast - Derek Drescher

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

Derek Drescher by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. You good? This is weird, dude. It's like a different...

These chairs are like a different vibe, dude. I fuck with these chairs. Wow, these are actually really comfy, dude. I feel like I need like a kid on my lap. Really? Give him a dollar. Be like, get out of here. It's a little creepy, dude.

Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Shout out Bed Bath & Beyond. You ever been? Yeah, a couple, only like twice. You can't take it. There's too many fucking broads in there. Why would that be a bad thing?

Dude, I mean How old are you? 27, 28? 28 I guess when you get a little older You're just like Really? I feel like that's all I'm going to look forward to

I mean, I'll probably be alone though, dude Nah, you won't be alone It'll probably be a part of the schedule You'll get to go to Bed Bath & Beyond Dude, I used to do that all the time When I lived with my mom Nah, you won't be alone. It'll probably be a part of the schedule. You'll get to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Dude, I used to do that all the time. When I lived with my mom, dude, I was just getting no pussy. And I would go to Target, dude.

Bed Bath & Beyond. Dude, if you had those places late at night, holy shit, dude. What about Walmart? I go there now. You get them fucking, them dub goblins. Yeah. Yeah. Like at midnight, dude.

Oh, God. That's when i come out dude i can only imagine what's there the chicks with the fucking dude flappy arms oh man after like 11 at walmart dude you'll see people where you're like there's no way that's a person that's a person that's a person yeah they look like them fucking creatures from like uh They look like them fucking creatures from like, what was that movie with the fucking, the devil who like talks. The Exorcist? No, no, no. Hellboy. Okay.

Yeah. There's like all these goblins. Yeah. It reminded me of a Walmart. The scene reminded me of a Walmart. Yeah. Like walking through this like goblin town center. And I was like, yeah, it's like Walmart. Yeah, it's fucking crazy, dude dude i go there all the time at

like 11 because i don't want to go when people are there you know what i mean yeah it's even crazier when it's like busy packed yeah like on a saturday yeah that's when you steal you steal i think we used to steal from walmart yeah when we were fishing we were like 13 years old because you could just i saw i was with a dude once who walked in, stole like a saltwater fishing pole and just walked right out. Like he just walked right by. It was like 500 bucks, right? It was probably like 25 bucks.

Oh, that's... It probably broke the second he cast it out. Damn, I thought saltwater poles were expensive. No, dude. I bought like three from Walmart before and they all just snapped. Yeah. Unless you get one of those Ugly sticks

They call them ugly sticks dude They're like fishing poles and you can like literally Fucking bend them like this I mean it fits the people that That shop there It's the Walmart brand Yeah dude Ugly socks, ugly sticks

Yeah but dude Yeah man pretty much every pull i ever got from walmart like broke yeah i was just like have a fish on the line that's like half a pound yeah yeah dude i got a couple shotguns from walmart i went to shoot people and they jammed wow no i'm joking i feel like you used to like did you ever used to roll around in minivans and stuff what like a like a honda odyssey or something like hop out and like rob people just do like a few drive-bys i never did a drive-by i never shot at anybody like that but i mean there were times when we there was a couple times we had a van was it like a nice fan though you think like

a nice it's like an astro van, a big boxy one. Okay. Tall ceiling in the back. Like spacious? Spacious. Yeah. Yeah. You could have a bed back there.

Yeah, because I've been thinking like all these movies do where there's drive-bys. It's always like a nice, spacious caravan, you know? They pull up and they like hit the button because it's like... And it's like... Yeah. And they're like, yo, yo's like, and it's like. Yeah. And they're like, yo. You got to time it perfectly. Yeah.

Yeah. Open it while it's driving. Yeah. But with the sensors now, I don't think that would happen, dude. I think it would fuck you up. Like, yo, man, open the door. Get it ready. It won't let me.

I got to put it in park. Yeah. Yeah. All those sensors would probably fuck it up. But the windows roll down now in the vans. So that big window in the back of the van back in the day those didn't open if you got lucky you had one that had like a little clip you could unhook and it would open the window like that much those open now the ones in the back dude straight up

roll all the way down dude that's fucking sick yeah we're living in fucking wild times dude honestly dude i wouldn't even mind having a minivan right now yeah i fuck with that i'd roll with you right now if you had a minivan and we were done. Do you like bang bus episodes? Yeah, dude. Fucking pick up some chicks from Greenwich Village Comedy Club. I feel like if I ever did a drive-by, dude, I just

wouldn't put the window down. You would just shoot through the window? I would shoot through the walls. Why? I just think that'd be fucking badass, dude. It would. They call that a wall bang. No joke. Where'd you hear this?

Call of Duty. Get out of here. Yeah. I believe it then. You can get mad XP from that, dude. Experience points? Yeah. Dude, I haven't played Call of Duty in fucking years.

I used to play regularly. Bro, you used to hop on. Modern Warfare? Yeah. That was my shit. That's like 20 years. That's all I played. 20 years ago.

What number of Modern Warfare are they on now? Well, dude, they just redid the... You remember Modern Warfare 2? Modern Warfare 2. It's basically like what everyone my age grew up on. Right. I did the original Modern Warfare, which was like the the english dude with the cigar i forget what his name was bro they literally just keep making stuff that like

used to be og you know what i mean yeah so like all the old games they're just remaking and like making better like dude college football is back now are people going crazy about college you can like recruit kids and shit from from high school yeah i had to fucking delete the game this is too much for real you can legitimately recruit kids who like don From high school? Yeah, I had to fucking delete the game. I was like, this is too much, dude. For real? You can legitimately recruit kids who, like, don't even exist. And do you, like, lose yourself in the game? Yeah, like, dude, I could recruit, like, a special needs kid

and just make him, like, 6'8", like 250. But I'm looking for a deaf kid. Yeah, you can just make him however you want. Nah, you can't have a deaf kid on the squad, dude. I mean, maybe he'd play better, because, like, there's no distractions. I mean, where would he play, though?, you can't have a deaf kid on the squad, dude. I mean, maybe he'd play better because there's no distractions. I mean, where would he play, though? Because you can't hear the huh, huh, huh.

Probably like D-end. Probably just D-line or something. All he has to do is watch the ball. He would never be off sides, dude. True. Because you can't hear. Maybe throw him like a Nickelback set. Yeah.

Yeah. Have him roam. Have him roam. Yeah. Yeah. Have him roam. Have him roam. Yeah. I mean, dude, I grew up with a Guatemalan kid. His name was Joey. And he, like, found out that he actually started playing football before me. And he told me he went to a practice.

First practice, dude, like, he didn't even know what to do. Uh-huh. Well, he probably thought it was soccer, I would imagine, in Guatemala. Yeah, he's used to, like, we're used to playing soccer in the backyard and shit. Yeah. You know, eating, like, beans and shit afterwards, dude. But he told me, dude, he showed up to this fucking football practice. And he said they put him on the O-line.

And he just started tackling people. And they loved it, right? No, dude. No, they were mad? No, I guess he got put on the bench, dude. Damn. Because that's fucked up. Well, bro, there's no really Spaniards who ever made it in the big league.

It's true. Just Tony Gonzalez. That's not even racist, dude. No, this is true. It's like one. Tony Gonzalez is the biggest Mexican I've ever seen in my life. He's Mexican? I don't know.

He's like Canadian? He's something. Yeah. His last name's Gonzalez. He doesn't sound Hispanic at all, though. Now I got to look it up. He's got like his own fucking like dress shirts and shit, too. Or is that Michael Strahan?

I think Michael Strahan does. Strahan probably has a clothing line. He's got a clothing line at JCPenney. Doing shows with Kelly Ripka and shit. Who the fuck is that michael strahan i think michael strahan probably has a clothing line he's got a clothing line at jc penny doing shows with kelly ripka and shit who the fuck is that whatever one of them so the chick that he does a show with so regis philman used to have a show with her but before it was so it's like it was regis and kelly before that it was regis and some other chick. Kathy. Kathy Lee.

Was it the morning show, though? Dude, Kathy Lee Gifford. Her husband was Frank Gifford, who was a running back for the New York Giants. He was like 30 years older than her. He cheated on her. Really? She quit the show. They brought in Kelly. So now it's Regis and Kelly.

And this is like the morning show, right? Something like that, yeah. And then Regis got this is like the morning show right? Something like that Yeah And then Regis got Like he got I think the gay took him over completely And then Really?

They brought in Strahan So now it's Michael and Kelly You think they get after it? Like fuck? Yeah Kelly and Michael? Yeah I wouldn't be surprised

Cause like dude That's like a feel good vibe You know what I mean? They're talking about the weather and shit Yeah Talking about They're talking about the weather and yeah talking about they're talking about the weather dude strahan he he does like skinny white really yeah his wife was a skinny white is he divorced yeah dude she took him oh she she didn't sign

the prenup she she got him good man yeah i feel like he's because he's like a hard-fought guy i feel like he's pretty easy to get. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Michael just seems like a really hard-fought guy. You think so, Strahan? He's just like one of those nice guys you just don't want to piss off. You ever hear somebody, people were asking him if he was ever going to get his gap fixed? Yeah, he got emotional, didn't he?

Yeah, he was like, nah. Yeah. And he was like, you can't be perfect. Really? Yeah. Dude, I heard when he was like, you can't be perfect. Really? Dude, I heard when he was a rookie in the NFL, they tried fucking with him like the vets. And he just fucking beat the fuck out of him. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised about that. That's like unheard of, though, dude.

For a rookie to do that? Yeah, I know. They usually bitch up. Yeah. Baseball, too. I wonder if he just fucking jerked him off, dude, or something. Sucked him off? Yeah.

I wonder if he just fucking jerked him off, dude, or something. Sucked him off? Yeah. I feel like that's sometimes a fucking... You don't talk about comedy on this podcast, right? Dude, comedy kind of makes my dick soft, man. Dude, it's so gay. It's so gay. It's the fucking worst.

It's the worst thing about me. I get so upset talking about it. Yeah. You know? Fuck it. Because usually you're talking about comedy with like bitter comics yeah and i don't want to be like a bitter comic you know what i mean no i don't think you will be i mean dude it could happen you're too uh i feel like i'm pretty calm but no you're a calm guy for sure but i think i'm

just around too many people that are like uh you ever hear somebody say this you're like dude if i don't fucking make it bro and i'm just like dude can we just fucking not do this right now i hate that you know i hate that yeah i made it already yeah you know what i mean i think we both made it dude yeah we're here here i mean so it is gay but i feel like even though like rookies like uh you like young people get you know they get the fucking dude it's It's weird because you're older than me, but we've hung out before. Yeah. But the first interaction with an older comic is always very weird. It's kind of creepy, right?

Yeah. Creepy as fuck. Well, no. I think older comics kind of hate younger comics, too. Oh, for sure. They're like, oh, look at this fucking loser. Only because they see themselves in them. Yeah.

We're all losers. Then once you hang out with them once, you're like, all right, it's fine. You know? Yeah. But I've hung out with some older comics where I'm just like, dude, I don't even know what to say right now.

Yeah. Because you can't just like scream fucking vagina right away. You know what I mean? I would be cool with that if you did that. Really? Yeah, dude. If we were on the road

and we were just in like fucking Arlington, Virginia. Yeah. And you were just like. I used to do that, dude. If we were on the road and we were just in like fucking Arlington, Virginia. Yeah. And you were just like. I used to do that, dude. When I would meet people, I would just try to be like upfront with them, like from the jump. Dude, it's never once ended well. Just being yourself? Yeah.

Dude, I used to do floors in college. It was just me and this other dude. You finished floors, like hardwood floors? I finished on them, yeah. You were doing tile and shit like that? This guy would just lay down floors, and then he would call me up, and I would show up and just jerk off. And go put a glaze on them? He would just throw me $100, dude.

He was like... No, this dude would literally pick me up in a van, dude. Just take me to no he would take me to these job sites he's like wicked nice houses like this dude was like legit like he was a good floorsman right a floorsman i think is that what they call him that's hilarious bro we were literally no joke we go to this job site and it's like pretty much like a mansion like it's a wicked nice fucking house and it's like a new construction and the owners are still there dude so this guy's talking to the owners in front of me and i'm just being polite or whatever

and the owners leave and i just see like a mallet on the, like the countertop. Yeah. And this is my first time ever working with this guy. And I just go, dude, imagine if I just took that mallet and just started swinging at all the cabinets. What did he say? And he just like straight face, doesn't laugh. He goes, he's like, dude, that's why you'll never own a business. That's what he says to you. He goes, he's like, dude, that's why you'll never own a business. Because you think like that. Yeah, dude, I thought that was going to crush.

Well, dude, you have a business now, though. I know, dude. I should call him. Yeah. Be like, hey. But dude, same guy, right? So he lets you keep working for him after that? Dude, yeah.

And he picked me up the next time and i think he kind of like he definitely got the wrong vibe for me yeah because he would pick me up i would have to drive to his house and then we would just get in the van and go to the job site yeah yeah so it's like dude it's like 7 30 in the morning bro i'm in his van early in the morning we're on the way to a job site drinking coffee i'm drinking a coffee dude it's just completely silent dude he merges onto the highway and just starts dropping the n-bomb he does hard r really like no context whatsoever he's like move over and i did the same thing he did to me dude i just straight faced was like that's why no because it was dude it was hands down like the most awkward situation i've ever been in that's why you'll never have a black friend second time meeting him it's just

n-bombs just hard r just n-bombs on the highway which you think would kind of be like a little bit funny but when you see in real time you're like all right i gotta i mean construction sites i get it construction guys no we were on we were on the highway i know but you're on your way to the job yeah i mean dude it's like 7 30 in the morning like you got a coffee like you can't be doing that man yeah wait till the coffee i get that that's how he warms up but like i can't be dude that is insane yeah it's dude it's so crazy, like, seeing a racist person. You know what I mean? Not, like, seeing them, but, like...

Like, seeing them in action. Seeing them in action. In action, yeah. It's crazy, bro. I know. I consider myself, like, old school and shit like that, but, like, real racism is a wild thing. Yeah, like, you make fun of, like, Puerto Ricans and shit, which is fine. Yeah.

But, like, hard R, dude, that's where I'm like, all right, I gotta go home, dude. You know what I mean? yeah like you make fun of like puerto ricans and shit yeah which is fine yeah but like hard r dude that's where i'm like all right i gotta go home dude i know i mean my pod yesterday i told them i was like you guys got to take all that out because you were dropping hard i was dropping hard no no way fucking i could so you did you work a lot of construction jobs yeah dude i had a construction job one time. I was roofing. Yeah. We did roofing. We did roofing and concrete, right?

And the guy that owned the business was, like, really bad on heroin. Really? Yeah, like the boss, the owner. He was your boss, yeah. He was my boss, yeah. And I hadn't done heroin yet at this point. But whenever we'd go to meet with him at his office which is also his house in the morning like he would be like he'd be like he'd have like the worksheet in his hand

and he would just be like yeah and we'd be like bobby bobby and then he'd perk up and go oh my eye and we'd be like yeah dude it's more than your eye you got you got problems right and he'd tell us where to go and we'd go whatever if we had to go like do a piece of sidewalk we do a piece of sidewalk we had to go do a roof so dude we go do this job and a dude he explained what he explained to us was like way more than what we actually had to do. We get there. We're like, look. We're like, oh, no. It's not that much work. Right?

We bang it out. Yeah. And we're just chilling up there. Right? We're having fucking sodas. It's like, you ever see Shawshank Redemption? Yeah. We're just chilling.

There's chilling, drinking beers up on the roof. Like, that's us. Yeah. We're like that. And dude, all of a sudden, he just shows up. He's just on the roof. Yeah. He's like, what are you guys doing? And we're like, oh, we're like that and they all dude all of a sudden he just shows up on the he's just on the roof yeah he's like what are you guys doing and we're like oh we're done he's like oh how long you've been done for and we're like ah we just stopped yeah we just stopped and he's like yeah this is like

supposed to take another couple hours and we're like yeah we're we're going to clean up. I guess we can get out of here early. And, dude, he takes a fucking full bucket of roofing nails and throws it off the roof. What? And he goes, go pick that up. That should take up the rest of your day. Wow. What a dick, dude. Dude, this guy did things like this all the time like he he was a horrible just the meanest heroin he's a mean heroin addict oh man yeah i didn't know they had those yeah no

a lot of times opiates will give you a crazy mood swing yeah so dude he used to like physically hit the foreman like he would be like come on rick you fucking pussy and he'd like he'd like hit him wow and dude we're doing a a hot tar roof in the bronx you know what hot tar is yeah it's like a kettle with the tar you know like inhale it too you got yeah you inhale it you get high makes the day go by quicker and then they pump it up to the roof and then you dip a mop in it and you like swing the mop oh man to get the tar on the roof and then they lay like a gravel over it and he's up there he's high bro he's high he's being a all day he's like kicking our over like drinking our waters and it's like hot

and dude he's like and he starts like nodding out again and he's like on the edge of the roof right oh man he's just like nodded out like that and and rick the foreman goes he goes derrick i'll give you a thousand dollars if you push him right now i was like what he's like dude no one will know he's on heroin just go push him no one's gonna know no one's gonna know i didn't do it though I didn't do it But dude A thousand dollars For murder dude For murder Yeah

That's crazy What figure Would you have done that at Probably Straight cash 50k It's all cash I mean dude

Cause like You probably gave you Some trauma too right What From him asking me To kill him Like when he was Throwing the nails and shit

Like did you go to bed At night like Thinking about that? I do, yeah. That was the most insane thing I'd ever been a part of. I mean, there's thousands of roofing nails in those buckets. Yeah. You ever seen them before?

Yeah. It's just like a five-gallon bucket of roofing nails. It's such a tough job, though, dude. Yeah. And then to go down, and, dude, like, they had, like, the parking lot, like, roped off, and I'm just walking around there with the magnet on wheels for hours just picking up these fucking roofing nails bro i literally like they wouldn't let me so i worked with my friend who i played football with his dad owned the company and it was just us three and like he would bring me the job and shit and i

used to get mad because i wouldn't get mad but i would get upset because he would just tell me to like pick shit up and i'd just be like dude can i like do something you know like can i like oh you're a gopher yeah i was just like a bit i was like his bitch dude yeah i didn't know how to do anything else yeah and he was just like i remember one day he would like let me do something dude we had to take down a fucking ceiling dude and he hands me the saw like the sawzall he hands me the saw. Like the sawzall? He hands me a sawzall, and he's like, all right, I want you to cut this line. Like, he's like, follow the line. Yeah. But it was on the ceiling.

And you did a swastika. Dude, he, like, didn't give me goggles, so I'm like in the fucking. Oh, no, dude. She-Rock insulation just all up in your eyeballs. Dude, like, pour some sugar on me. That's why you look like that right now still. You're still affected by it. Dude, I fucking went up there

and I like, I was fucking missing the line, dude. And like all the shit's going in my eyes. And I, I made it like four feet and I was like, fuck this, dude.

Dude, I've had some shitty jobs. I used to do, I used to replace brick on the high-rises. On motorized scaffolding. You'd be up, like, 50 stories. You're not, like, scared of heights or anything? I was on drugs while I was doing it, so.

Really? Yeah, it was good. I do, but it was bad. Like, I used to, this Ukrainian guy was my partner on the scaffold. A little, like, casual you are about. You're like, dude, I was on. Yeah, I was just shooting dope. Like, dude, if I was high and I had to go, like least like 10 feet i'd fucking shit my pants dude mom's good shit dude

that same guy we were doing work on my mom's house and he was like yeah i'm gonna go dip i'm gonna go to another job site he was like i want you to take down all the siding on your house and dude i literally called my buddy because i'm scared of heights yeah i'm like bro i'll give you 40 to take this off and he's like all right i'll be there you paid your buddy yeah who had no didn't know like correlation to the job at all just some random dude who wasn't scared of heights dude i'd be so when you're on the the motorized scaffolding it's like you know there's a motor on each each side and you need to work like in conjunction with the other guy. Yeah.

So he'd be like, all right, there was this Ukrainian dude. I forget what the fuck. I think it was like Andrusk or some shit like that. He'd be like, okay, Derek, we're going down. And then I'd be like, all right. And I'd hit the button to go down and I'd nod out while we were doing it. So, dude, he'd be like, Derek, Derek. I'd wake up and we'd be like, all right. And I'd hit the button to go down, and I'd nod out while we were doing it. So, dude, he'd be like, Derek, Derek. I'd wake up, and we'd be like this.

Like, fucking 40 floors up. You were on heroin? On heroin. Jesus Christ. You want to know the wildest thing about that job, dude, is that I was the only one on the crew that English was their first language. Yeah. that english was their first language yeah so like whenever there was like an issue or we needed to talk to somebody in the building or like people are people who lived in the building because while we're up there working dude we're working with cement we're putting bricks in

yeah and like we tell people keep your windows closed you know shit could fall in something could happen and these idiots would open their windows so we would close their windows and then we would screw them shut. Jesus. And they would bug the fuck out. Yeah. So then I'd have to go talk to them. And I'd be like, listen, man. We're almost done.

Yeah. Oh, my eye. And like in your head, like you weren't nervous at all. You were just like, fuck this. I didn't care, dude. I didn't care about nothing. Damn, dude. Yeah.

It's kind of sick, honestly. Yeah, it was pretty freeing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Those guys are kind of scary, care, dude. I didn't care about nothing. Damn, dude. Yeah. That's kind of sick, honestly. Yeah, it was pretty freeing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Those guys are kind of scary, though, dude. Construction guys, just like, they got nothing to lose, man. You know?

Yeah, dude. Whenever I always make way, like when I'm in the subway, I see like a union guy. Yeah. You know, he's got his fucking hard hat on. He's got his fucking number on, you know, a little dirt on the face. I fucking pay him proper respect. Yeah. Get out of his way.

Give him my seat. I feel like a lot of them are kind of dicks, though. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I feel like they have every right to be. You think so? Yeah, dude. The city is full of fucking lames, bro.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how to feel about it, man. The way you did it is good. You came out here to fucking this other planet that you live in. It took me fucking three hours to get here. Yeah, it's nice out here, though, dude, isn't it? It's fuck. But, like, just where I live, like in Greenwich Village, dude,

the shit I just hear walking down the street, I'm like, these people. Oh, you don't live in Brooklyn anymore? No, I moved. Really? Yeah. Why? I don't know, brother. You moved from Brooklyn to Greenwich Village?

Yeah. That's like where the Paris and shit? I moved from East New York, which is still one of the worst neighborhoods in the city, to the East Village, and then from the East Village into Greenwich Village. Shit, dude. Yeah. Do you even sleep at night? I can sleep.

Yeah. I can sleep, but it is... it's wild. Do you ever be over there in Greenwich Village? Not much anymore, dude. No. The West 4th stop is right there. It's just hundreds of people with untreated mental health issues, dude. Dude, that whole strip is just insane.

I would feel like they wouldn't bother you if you walked through. I used to walk through all the time, dude. I remember I saw Tate Winston there once, and he walked right by me dude he didn't even notice dude i remember so tate's like funny if he saw you at the clubs dude i just seen a dude who looked just like you bro it's fucking wild well no he was like so black like zoned out because he like knows how crazy people are around there insane but dude it was like one of the first weeks i moved here and i've known tate for like a while yeah so i'm like standing on the block and i see him walking by and i'm like i'm gonna wait till he gets closer he's like legit two feet in front of me and i scream vagina at the top

of my lungs dude and he didn't even flinch dude no so everyone around me was just looking at me like dude what the fuck you know what i mean but honestly no one even looked at me but yeah that's how crazy it is because it's like no one you could fucking stick a finger up your ass and just start jerking off like no one's gonna no one's gonna flinch yeah dude like just walking down the street the other day someone's just butt naked laying in the road really the car is backed up all the way to 6th Avenue. Yeah. And they're trying to go around them. I'm like, run that motherfucker over. Yeah, dude, I can barely... I mean, I don't mind it out here, man.

Out here is great. The only reason I don't mind it here is because I've been in Manhattan and I'm like, dude, this is fucking insane. It's like, how can people live here? It's an insane asylum. I wouldn't have made it at all. Did I tell you somebody shit on my door? Really? Did I tell you somebody shit on my door? Really?

Did I tell you about this? On your doorstep or your door? So they literally like cocked over shit on the door and then the shit slid down. Wow. Yeah. Did you do something to him? I didn't catch him. I just saw the pile of shit and I saw the evidence of how he.

So you didn't see them do it though? No. Someone definitely took a hit of crack. Yeah. Like a good ass hit of crack and had to go and they just fucking dropped their trowel and fucking. That must have felt good though. Oh, that probably did.

Felt fucking probably great. Yeah. Yeah. I saw a woman do that in the park. Dude, she was like with her kid and like another woman and there's public bathrooms. She's just a regular person? Yeah. There's public bathrooms in the park. Dude, she was like with her kid and like another woman. And there's public bathrooms. She's just a regular person? Yeah, there's public bathrooms in the park. What park?

Astoria Park. Dude, we're balling out. Like, I'm just shooting around by myself. Like, I used to go there late at night, just kind of like getting my feels a little bit. Right. Put up a few jumpers. Yeah, yeah.

And you can like watch the sunset. Yeah. So it's like pretty nice, dude. Yeah. So I'm like watching the sun. It is a nice park. Yeah. That's where Jared Waters does his show, right?

Up in that park, right? Training day or some shit? I think it's a movie, right? It is a movie, yeah. Yeah, dude, I'm just shooting around, dude, having a beautiful moment. And I just see this woman bent over just shitting in front of like a cargo port. Did you inspect what it looked like or no? I mean, it was impossible not to look she was

shitting right behind the hoop like ripping and there was a there's a small child next to her watching and another woman and after they left did you like inspect or no dude everyone at the court was like holy shit there was more it was more this is like an attractive woman too this is like a an older g woman, like pretty good looking. Wow. So like imagine, dude, like you don't even know girls poop and then you see that, dude. You know what I mean? That's fucking crazy, bro.

That's like every guy's dream. I think that's what every guy was thinking there. I mean, did she clean up after herself at least? No. She just left it. Just right up behind the hoop. Yeah. All of us were just hard, dude.

It was crazy, though. It was like one of the craziest things I've ever seen. Have you ever shit outside? No. Never? I mean, I still do, like, routinely, but it's because they won't let me go inside, dude. I used to have to, when you're on the dope, sometimes you got to go. You go on your lawn

you go on the street in between cars wherever like when you're on the dope and then like you when you're on heroin and you start to get sick yeah like you get like impacted while you're doing it because the opiates suck the moisture out of your feces okay so like it your bowel movements aren't regular they get cut down to like once a week but like when you start to withdraw a little bit like it loosens everything up yeah and then dude you just got a 10-day turd fuck man ready to wreck shop bro just fuck do you even feel it hell yeah really hell yeah but heroin made you kind of numb though though. No, but you're not on it. You need more. Oh, okay.

Yeah, when you're withdrawn. So it's when you're off it. So, dude, one time I was, like, right on the verge of withdrawing. We scored. But I was like, I got, like, this thing was coming, this plug. And I was like, I got to fucking get this thing out of me. Like, I haven't shit in 12 days. This is bad.

Right? So I'm like, we score. And I'm like, fucking is bad right so i'm like we score and i'm like all right i'm gonna do this so like i i i i juice my works up i get it ready to go right and i go sit on the bowl and like i start to like let this thing come out like so dude once it once it starts to make its way out like once i got like a little more than a turtle head popping i fucking shoot up yeah i shoot up it's not like i could push without the pain right dude this thing came out of me like you know how like a whale breaches the water yeah like this thing was breaching it was breaching a good four or five inches. Okay. And all the way down the hole, and it was two different colors.

It was dark brown and light brown. Holy shit. And there was a ball at the end of it. Wow. Yeah. So it was like the shape of a dick. Kind of, yeah. Dude.

Yeah. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. Shit and dicks, dude. I have. I took a picture of it. You still have it on your phone? I still have it on. Shit and dicks, dude. I took a picture of it. You still have it on your phone? I still have it on my phone.

Fuck yeah, dude. I'll show it to you before I leave. You should, dude. Do you want to see it? No, not really. Dude, this thing will blow your mind. Yeah, and this was in public. No, no, I shit in the bathroom.

In the bathroom. My buddy's place yeah but bro i was literally in there fighting for my life yeah for about 35 minutes yeah it was a steamer dude yeah i walked out i i was butt naked took my shirt off took my pants completely off i was like i have a buddy dude he he was just like on a walk with his dog. He lives in like a suburban neighborhood and he just took a shit in his neighbor's lawn. I'm like, dude, what the fuck?

Like, there's no, doesn't live in the city. He lives in like the suburbs or just like, yeah, I'm just gonna. Did he, did he like wipe afterwards? No. Dude, you want to know the craziest thing about that shit? What? I wiped nothing. Really? You were in a bath. You had the opportunity to wipe. I wiped about that shit? What? I wiped nothing. Really?

You were in a bath. You had the opportunity to wipe. I wiped, yeah. There was a roll of toilet paper. There was nothing there. Nothing. Oh, so you did wipe and there was nothing there? Yeah.

Wow. That's how dry it was. Dude, I've had that experience before, too, and I'm just like, damn, dude, you're fucking hallucinating right now. They call that like the phantom. Yeah. Or the ghost shit or something. Phantom of the opera, dude. Yeah. Dude, actually, it's kind of cool when you take a fucking mean one and there's nothing there. Yeah. If you're eating wicked healthy, dude, you can definitely

accomplish that. Yeah. I want dude wipes to sponsor us. I fuck with dude wipes. I've used them once, man. It was pretty glorious. Yeah. dude you'll fart like you'll wipe your ass dude after shit and like and then you'll do the dude wipes and then you'll fart and you'll be like wow dude like i'm not like burning my fucking eyebrows off you know what i mean like dude i fucking farted last night when i went to take out my dog and i farted as I was opening the door. Yeah. And dude, when I,

I was outside dude and I could smell it. I was like, dude, if anyone smelled that right now, they'd be done with you. They would kill themselves. Like, so it was like,

as soon as it came out of your ass, you smelled it. That's how dude, I farted one time so bad in the work truck. Yeah. And, uh, the dude I was working with smelt it before I did. The far wasn't even all the way out of my ass yet.

Yeah. And he was like, oh. Bro, you know those farts that smell like burnt hot dogs? Yeah. It was like one of those. It's just so hot. It feels like it's like melting the fucking earth, dude. You can imagine what your stomach's going through.

Dude, I can't even imagine, dude. Because I've been eating like fucking sandwiches, dude. Yeah, sandwiches make you fucking. Like, I've been even imagine, dude. That's... Because I've been eating, like, fucking sandwiches, dude. Yeah, sandwiches make you fucking... Like, I've been eating, like, an American Hero at lunch, and then I'll put salt and vinegar chips in the sandwich with mayonnaise, dude. Dude, I imagine. And then I'll drink, like, three coffees. Ooh.

Dude. Yeah, brother. Them coffee farts, bro. Oh, my God. Dude, it's crazy. The other day day I was hosting Like back-to-back shows Right? And I had to I had to fart for a while

And like There's just All people around And the fucking Yeah You know All the bathrooms are packed With like fucking

Audience members And I was like Yeah, I gotta fucking Let this thing out Like I was just Building up And I went in the kitchen And I just fucking ripped.

People were working in there? Dude, someone was like, yo, what the fuck is that, dude? Who fucking did that? Yeah. I was like, yeah, that's nasty, bro. Whoever did that is disgusting. Dude, one time. No, go ahead.

Sorry. No, I was like, the food was ruined. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, why would you do that in the kitchen? I don't care, bro. They disrespect you? Yeah, I felt disrespected, dude.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm working a shift here. Can't even use the fucking bathroom. Oh, man. It's insane. One time I worked at, uh, I used to work at Bank of America, dude. We'd have, like, 30-minute lunches. And I was sick.

You worked at Bank of America? Yeah, right out of college. What did you do? Dude, they just, like, it was right out of college, and you had to pass these, like, tests and shit. It was for a call center job. So I'm at, like, Bank of America headquarters, dude, and I'm at lunch.

You only have 30 minutes, so you got to eat quick or whatever. So I'm sitting with this chick and then another dude who's, like, retarded just like me, and we're sitting down eating, and this dude, I've never talked to this chick before i've talked to the guy before and we're just eating dude this guy just goes bro it smells like fucking pussy and i'm like dude i'm like dude there's a chick right there oh this guy was severely autistic she was wearing a dress too yeah yeah i'm like dude did he smell her puss for real?

Dude, so I just keep eating. I kind of ignore him a little bit. Like, a few minutes pass, and he starts to get, like, irritated. He's like, bro. And then you're like, you know what, dude? You're right. Bro, he's like, dude, it smells like fucking pussy, dude. What's she doing?

And she's, like, blushing and shit. I'm like, dude, this is the most uncomfortable conversation i've ever been in my life her ph was off and dude then like i realized like she was eating like haddock oh the whole time but dude she was wearing a dress so they were he thought it was just wafting out of her he kept he kept telling me dude i'm like bro like this is this is uncomfortable dude autistic dudes are wild, bro. I used to work in my buddy's pizzeria. I don't think he was autistic, but he was definitely.

So I worked there. I would, like, do deliveries, help answer phones. He was, like, doing me a favor. Like, I just got out of jail. And he had this autistic kid who would also do deliveries. And both of those two brothers they were both fucking jacked guineas like yeah like fucking jersey shore wops right uh vinnie and carmine like and and carmine he'd have like hot girlfriends right yeah and uh the girls would

always come and they'd hang out like eat pizza or whatever it was like the place to be for for some people and carmine's girls there and and the autistic kid is back in the back smoking a cigarette and uh she's like hey do you have an extra cigarette and he's like oh yeah sure here here you go lights for he goes you know what they say about girls who smoke right and she goes no what he goes they also suck dick says that to her dude then she just runs and tells carmine and carmine comes out just ready to beat the out of this autistic kid and i'm like no carmine fucking he don't know no better leave him be dude it was it was fucking wild plus carmine was like the scariest like

juice head wop i'd ever seen this dude he was fucking jacked i mean it was insane and he had a lazy eye it was just yeah so his hair would be all slicked back and then come out there with a lazy eye aren't you kind of surprised you haven't gotten like fought yet for saying something like that though i don't really at least back in the day because dude i feel like i could have gotten my ass kicked like many times yeah i didn't really get down like that like if we were boys and we were chilling and we were saying stuff like call you know i'm so i mean i it's happened to me a few times, but I remember, dude, like, one of the first times I ever did, like, a comedy show. It was in Rhode Island, like, by the beaches.

And that's where they, that's where all, like, the fishing docks are and shit. So they have a show at this, like, location. I think it's called, like, The Wheelhouse. Yeah. uh at this like location i think it's called like the wheelhouse yeah so i get out of my mom's honda accord and it just smells like straight up fucking fish like dude it fucking burns it burns her eyebrows off you were like hello ladies i was like the king is here baby so i show up to the show and they're like all right green rooms in the back and i see these show and they're like, all right, green rooms in the back. And I see these comics and they're all with their girlfriends. And I just walk in.

I'm like, yo, it smells like fucking pussy. And these guys, none of them laughed. Dude, this one guy was like, dude, I don't know what type of pussy you're getting. What a dick. That guy's a dick, bro. So I was like, oh, these guys are fucking dicks. That's hilarious. See, that I want to get mad at.

And then they all bomb, dude. I fucking crushed them. And you crushed them? Yeah. So it shows you where their heads are at. It's like, dude, these guys are fucking dicks. That's hilarious. See, that I want to get mad at. And then they all bomb, dude. I fucking crushed them. And you crushed, yeah. So it shows you where their heads are at. I was like, dude, what are you guys thinking? I have a fucking sense of humor. Fucking. And dude, everyone knows it's fucking fish. Yeah.

You're having a goof. Yeah, I mean, dude, if somebody walks into a green room and says it smells like pussy, like, that's fucking funny. Me, if my girl, if I was there if i was there my girls would we both would have died laughing yeah yeah i like yelled it too yeah yo what's up boy smells like fucking pussy that's great yeah yeah that's like the best thing you can say yeah i've never met any of them in my life no it was the first time first time yeah look at where are they now, dude?

They should have followed me, dude. I've had, dude, what was another crazy fucking job I had? Dude, you know what I used to do? Like, when we'd work at, like, real fucking nice places in, like, Bergen County, Jersey, where everybody's rich. Is it nice over there?

It's beautiful. Really? It's, like, up there with, like, Beverly Hills and all that shit. I think I went to Walmart over there. County, Jersey, where everybody's rich. Is it nice over there? It's beautiful. Really? It's like up there with like Beverly Hills and all that shit. I think I went to Walmart over there. Actually, no, you know, I went to Secaucus. Is that what it's called? Yeah, Secaucus. I know Secaucus. It sure is nice, dude. Secaucus was?

The Walmart there, yeah. Bro, they had fucking all the clothing was like hung up. As opposed to like. They had models there. Thrown on the floor. Like, you know how you see like an Abercrombie model with like a fucking quarter chub and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like that, but Walmart.

Get out of here. This place fucks, dude. Yeah, they were taking it seriously, man. It was just like some dude in like a fucking, you know, Fruit of the Loom shirt. There's no Walmarts in Bergen County. It's a caucus, yeah. It's a caucus, yeah. That's hilarious. Bergen County would be like, it's all just Saks Fifth Avenues.

Really? Yeah, it's just rich like that. So these people would have ornamental metal all over their houses, like copper. And a lot of times we would do work and they'd be like, oh, these people are not going to be back here for three months they're like living in italy right now yeah and then i would just rip all the copper off of their house like i'd go back in the evening yeah shit and just

tear it all apart dude there was a point in time where i was working construction and like we were painting a house like a really wealthy person's house and my boss was like yeah like uh i need you to paint like the front of the house like this green color and dude i fucking took the green paint and i painted the garage door green and like i remember on the ride home he like he just like like solemnly was just like dude yeah we're not gonna need you for this job man fired bro he was like trying to like hold it in like dude he was so mad but he was just like yeah man like we're good like we don't need you for this yeah it was done never worked with him again it was just that job just that job took like fucking three weeks dude i guess the lady was crying and shit. And then a storm came, dude, and like washed all the pain away.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Dude, you've had some fucking wild ones, bro. Yeah. You got some life experience. Well, dude, construction's like hilarious, though. It is. It is a funny fucking deal. Because someone's giving you like an initial deposit and they're like, all right, I'm trusting you with this.

And dude, and the thing with construction is like a guy will come he'll do like an estimate like bid it'd be like yeah we'll be out of here like four months yeah and he's there for like two years two years yeah dude it always goes that way yeah and he's like oh you know i didn't know it was gonna be like this when we opened the wall up yeah they always have like a fucking excuse just people living with like plastic and drop cloths like throughout their house for like years just pissed just upset yeah tommy you said this was gonna only be four months and they'll like blatantly fuck you over too yeah they'll get to like know your family dude they'll buy you fucking portuguese pizza and shit and then like next thing you know your fucking roof is like flying off yeah yeah yep dude this fucking portuguese family they moved down the road when

i was younger and they like the dude like oh like owned his own construction company which was just like him and his fucking dad he's like 90 they were doing like bricks his dad would like just sit on the roof and smoke like marlboro reds all day and we were like he's gonna pass away like any day now still alive now bro they did a roof no joke the first storm all the shingles fucking uh flew off get out of here yeah fucking literally dude put a hole in our kitchen ceiling that's why you need mexicans dude they don't they fucking hand nail everything they don't fuck around they don't fuck around they hand they don't even use the automatic i've seen some some

use automatic but i've also i've also seen like crews where though they don't just be five six mexicans up there yeah want like two dudes like loading them up with shingles and the other dudes is fucking with the with the fuck yeah they're just getting skin cancer for time nah dude them fucking mexicans bro it'll be 90 degrees it'll'll be long-sleeved, bandana around with the fucking bucket hat on, bro. I think Portuguese people, man, you can't just fuck... You can't trust them, dude. No. You know? They're always like watching soccer. Portuguese people, Italians,

Spanish, you can't really trust them. They're just not afraid to fuck you over. They're not afraid to fuck you over. World War II, we all saw how that went. They were all like... Just sad that they lost and shit. Well, yeah. They were like on Hitler's fucking cock and then once he Well, yeah, they were like on Hitler's fucking cock. And then once he started to lose, they were like, oh, no.

Come on, man. They always blame it on that shit. It's us. I mean, dude, Portuguese people, Spanish... People don't understand. The Spanish are bad. They're like horrible. They don't get...

Like, everyone's always attacking, like, white colonialism. Yeah. Colonization. But, dude, what about Spanish colonization? I feel like everyone's pretty bad, though, dude. Everyone's bad. But the Spanish are the worst, bro. I think Europeans in general are just fucking...

No, dude. They smell like shit, dude. Oh, like, what do you mean? Like, Polacks? I think Europeans back in the day are just, like, fucking terrible, oh like what do you mean like polacks you're polish i think europeans back in the day are just like fucking terrible dude what do you mean you know like just like in the 40s like coming over here and just stinking i'm talking about like way back when i'm talking like viking days oh like fucking sicilians lesbians dude you know they're just coming over here with like shaved heads, just like. Being.

How do you feel about foreigners? Fuck them, dude. Man. I love. No, dude, I love it. Dude, I've met. I've met Germans. I've met female Germans, dude, and they are the coolest chicks ever. Because they're down to fuck.

I mean, not with me, but when I met my roommate Dave match with this chick on Tinder who was, I think she was from Portugal. Her friend was from Germany. So he was like, hey, I'm hanging out with this girl from Portugal, whatever. She has friends. Like, do you want to come out? And I was like, hey, I'm hanging out with this girl from Portugal, whatever. She has friends. Do you want to come out? I was like, sure, dude. We were just hanging out with these chicks, but I was hanging out with a German chick the whole time, bro. She was cool? Obviously, she's

fluent in German, dude, but she could speak some English. She was laughing at me. She probably thought I was retarded. I just kept following her around. She was so cool oh, God. But she was so cool, dude.

Nothing came of it, though? No. Damn. Did Dave hit the Portuguese? I think so, yeah. Yeah. But I was dreaming about it, dude. About slaying them guts?

Just fucking casting some spells on that pussy, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Dress up like Harry Potter and just fucking go to town. Get some of that Third Reich fucking... Yeah, dude. Have it, like, reenact it. You just fucking shave your mustache like that? Yeah.

Dude, can you imagine that? You're banging her. She's like, call me, mind if you're... Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Just, like, fucking start doing, like, eugenic type shit. Damn, I wish you would have hit, bro.

Dude, I tried. No joke. Yeah. Did you try to kiss her? She said she had jet lag. You think that's an excuse? Yeah. You think she felt bad for me, dude?

That's a long flight, though, dude. They just landed? Yeah. It was the same day she landed. Get out of here. Yeah. That's what she flight, though, dude. They just landed? Yeah. It was the same day she landed. Get out of here. Yeah, that's what she said, dude. From Portugal? Germany.

She flew in from Germany. The other chick, like, lived here. So Portugal's only like a five, six, seven hour flight. Yeah, no, I mean, when she said that, I was like, oh, this chick doesn't want it. But I feel like I kind of had her in the bag, dude. Damn. You know? It was like the one time in my life where I was like, dude, you chick doesn't want it. But I feel like I kind of had it in the bag, dude. Damn. You know, it was like the one time in my life where I was like,

dude, you might actually have this, you know. But, dude, she was like this tall, blonde, German chick, like Hitler's child, bro, like beautiful, man. And damn, I wish she would have, nothing but, she's got it already. Knowing that English isn't even her primary language and she can speak it is... That does something for you? Yeah.

I had a girl one time, she was Filipino, and she did not have a good grasp of the English language. Really? Filipinos are wild because she'd be like... What are Filipinos? They're like Mexican-Asians. They're like hybrids, right? Yeah, they're like Spanish and like Asian. Yeah. If you could make an analogy

for like a Filipino, what would it be? An analogy? Like if like Hispanic is like fucking if Hispanic is like Victoria's Secret, what is a Filipino?

A Filipino is like, you ever see like those 32 cool underwears? Yeah. Yeah, they're like that. Like H&M or something? Nah, it's like lower. Like JCPenney? Lower. Really?

It's like TJ Maxx. Really? Yeah. TJ Maxx. Like Burlington Coat Factory? Some shit like that, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Marshalls.

That's not that bad, honestly. Marshalls. It's where I bad, honestly. Marshalls. That's where I shop. It gets the job done. You know what I mean? But you get what you pay for. It doesn't last long. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. She didn't have a good understanding of the English language, a grasp of the language. So if I spoke English quickly around her, she wouldn't know what I was saying. That's sick, man. It's like every guy's dream. When she would get mad at me, she'd be like, fuck you.

Fuck you, motherfucker. That's how Filipinos talk. Yeah. She mow the lawn and shit? No, she cooked, though. She cooked her ass off. Because that would be sick, dude, if she had broken English and, like, did some weed whacking. Dude, but she picked up on the language, like, within a matter of months.

English is very easy to learn. And then she was on to me. So I was like, I got to fucking get rid of this one. Yeah, man, something about yard work. Like, women doing yard work just gets me going, man. For real? That's really, like, all I'm looking forward to in marriage is, like, doing about yard work. Like, women doing yard work just gets me going, man. For real? It's really, like, all I'm looking forward to in marriage is, like, doing yard work and shit. Is that the kind of porn you watch?

I try to. There's not much of it, but... Like, fucking hot stepmom planting tulips? Yeah, I just want to do, like, retarded shit as an adult, man. Like, put a fucking weed whacker between my legs. And do what? Just, like, look at my neighbor with a straight face. Just fucking rev the shit out of the engine dude like straight face though yeah for like as long as i can imagine that yeah i fucking would love it dude yeah you got but you got to make bread

you got to buy your own place to have that. Yeah. And there goes the neighborhood. Yeah. Are you going to, would you be like, would you like get like one of those wooden like signs in the front that says the salamis? Well, dude, I'm trying to be tight with my neighbors. Okay. I don't want to be divided with my neighbors, you know? Yeah, but if you put a weed whacker between your legs and just fucking. Yeah, but I want my neighbor to be like, that guy's fucking hilarious.

You know what I mean? What if they don't get you, though? I'll fucking move, dude. I'll blow up their fucking garage. Where would you want to live once you could buy a house, you think? Westchester? I mean, I definitely want to get out of here. Yeah, dude. Fucking tell me. Maybe in Mass or something. You want to go back to Mass?

I don't know, man. I've never been to the West Coast. Dude, you'd hate it. Yeah, probably. i don't really mind you're too real i'd probably honestly just go back to rhode island man find a house in the suburbs or something you know because it's quiet there but like dude mass like the suburbs are so nice but people are so fucking mean you know are they uppity they're just fucking racist dude you know that's not all that doesn't affect you i mean i used to deliver amazon in mass in the suburbs so i covered all that area yeah but it wouldn't affect you the racism yeah that's true dude i feel like i was a victim of racism at my office i mean i don't know how i how i look i feel like

i look like a regular dude fucking baseball cap i mean you're a puerto rican jew right puerto rican jew yeah i mean you look like a puerto rican thank you so i'm like trying to get into my office like you need a key card right yeah i guess i had like a beanie on i probably had a beanie on like one ear covered and like yeah probably a fresh fresh fade in the other half up here. You know what I mean? How you just put the beanie to the side like that. A beanie? Yeah, like a fucking knit cap.

Like you're a skateboarder or something? Some shit like that, yeah. It was cold. It was the winter time. Just feeling dangerous? But I had my fucking Timbs on. Yeah. And this dude's going into the office.

You use a key card and it's this hallway with all offices. And I go to walk in behind him and he's like, hey, you work here? And I was like, dude, I've been walking past you every day for the past four years. He's like, I'm sorry, I can't let you in. And then he shut the door. Wow. And dude, I just took my key. He's still there looking at me.

I took my key card out and I just opened the door on my own i was like yo what the fuck was that man yeah he was like oh i'm sorry and he went to his office and i was like damn you've never talked to him before though i bro you know how many times i walked by him and we were like yeah or we're like we're both out getting coffee and you're usually wearing something different yeah i guess i didn't dress like that every day but dude that's crazy like first of all you were wearing like a wife beater with like a fucking not like a hoodie on with like the knit cap yeah and just you know some boots jeans yeah but i was like i couldn't i wasn't even angry i was like appalled yeah i was like this is fucking when's the last time that side you got brought out though like are you the type of dude who will like dress up for work and then

after work just wear jordans with like a fucking white t-shirt and like oh for sure white t-shirt is my favorite thing yeah i have a bunch of nice collared shirts but because there's people i've worked with who are like that like that you'll see them dressed up and then you see them outside of work and they look like they're in the movie Step Up. You know what I mean? And they got fucking sweatbands on, all neon colors and shit like that. You think they're about to start crumping or something? You're like, dude, what the fuck?

Like the Tims, just untied. Song Lo starts playing, dude. They got the Tims that aren't tied. Yeah, yeah, all loose. Yeah. Yeah. It was looking like... That's a little crazy i didn't look like that i just look like a dude yeah like a fucking man like a man and he and dude i if i i in my head i'm like i should fucking break this guy's jaw yeah but i didn't people are like. It's crazy. Even people who know you for, like, a long time.

Yeah. Like, sometimes I go back home, dude, and people are like, yo, like, how's construction? And I'm like, what the fuck, dude? Like, what are you talking about? Damn. Like, it's that bad. Shitting on you like that? Yeah.

They'll just kind of, like, throw out a random job. Be like, yo, how's this going? And I'm like, I've never worked that in my life. They're like, how's the fucking, your boss with the hard R's? Yeah. They'll just, like, say random shit. I don't even know the hard r's yeah they'll just like say random shit i don't even know where it comes from they're just like i don't know maybe they hear it or like but it's like shit i would have to try to make you know what i mean like it's like uh

how long have you been here now two years you like it yeah you do i do yeah how much longer you think you'll make it probably the rest of my life here yeah right here like in this apartment yeah hopefully not but i kind of want to live alone really yeah i feel like dave's never here yeah but i just like you want to walk around naked yeah and fart and scream penis yeah and vagina i mean dude i got a dog and shit man and it's like living alone, you can kind of just. I yell to my cat every day. Yeah. I'm like, tippy.

Plus, it's like, dude, if you want to like get pussy, like it's not like I'm getting pussy. But like when I do, if I do, having your own place is kind of sick. You know what I mean? I mean, this isn't bad for roommates. You should see how these other animals are living in Brooklyn and shit. Yeah, I've seen it, dude. It's like seven dudes in a fucking two-bedroom. Yeah.

It's fucking ridiculous. They are closer to the city, though, dude. So it's like, you gotta just pick your poison, man, you know? True. True. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever live alone, but I think I'll always live in Queens, you know? I think I'll always live in Queens, you know? You should start, like, volunteering, like, at a...

Like, an assisted living place. Just to get, like, a discount? No. You'll probably meet a nice girl. Yeah. Or I could just wait outside. No, I mean, there probably are nice girls out there, man. In the assisted living place? My cousin,

she used to live in one. She was smart, but she was... Well, I don't mean living. I mean, like, the assistants, like, they help out, like, the nurses. No, you help out. You're just like, oh, come on, let's fucking do a puzzle. Yeah, but I'm talking about the chicks who are, like, actually assisting, you know what I mean? Like, the hot chicks. Oh, like the other volunteers. Well, dude, my cousin, she

had mental health issues. She lived in, like, the assisted living place. And I used to go visit her there. And, dude, some of the crazy chicks were fucking hot, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Every woman that messaged me is mentally ill, though, dude. Like, Shutter Island mentally ill, man.

Do you get women that listen to the pod? No, I don't think so. Oh, some, yeah. Yeah? Some of them message me either, like, pictures of their tits yeah or like some sort of like satanic shit i'll get i'll get pictures of tits like some ugly fucking pussies too like some of the worst ones i've ever seen in my life they're all like unsolicited too it's yeah dude never asked crazy i've never asked for any of that i'm good i'm good on all that i don't do dick pics i don't do any of that shit

Yeah You know what I mean? Fuck it Yeah, I mean it's just like It's too much, man Sometimes I get a nice set of jammers I ain't mad at that Yeah, you can't be mad at it, dude

But it's also like I don't want to marry this woman You know what I mean? No, for sure But dude, if you got I mean, a chick has to know If her puss is hurting. Like a fucking wizard sleeve?

Dude, yeah. Just like extra flaps of skin and shit. The last girl I was with, dude, had the fucking wizard sleeve, dude. Really? I could have slept in her vajayjay, dude. Get the fuck out. It was all outside of her. Dude, I felt like I was watching Nat Geo when I saw it.

I was like, holy shit, dude. I I saw it. I was like, holy shit, dude. I almost tapped out. I was like, yo. How long were you with her for? Because I've never seen a roast beef sandwich like that. Dude, crazy. But then I Googled it and everyone was like, no, it's... Normal.

It's actually a sign of beauty. It's like an elegant labia. Like the labia is supposed to be, like, a symbol for anal. I mean, that was your girl? No, it was just some doctor I hooked up with. A doctor? Yeah, it was my primary care physician. Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, this is crazy. No, I'm kidding, dude. Obviously. Oh. No, she's, like, some pediatrician chick. So she was a doctor. lives in boston dude some chick literally just messaged me and like dude it was this was it through comedy actually crazy bro so this chick hit me up and she was actually like hot so i answered you know what i mean and she like uh like found my videos or

whatever and we hung out we like hooked up and shit and then i obviously ruined it because i said like we're some retarded shit which always always had, like, I'll just say stupid shit about like fucking farts and shit, whatever. So it ends right. She's like, I don't want to do this anymore. It was like a one week stint thing, but I hooked up with her. So I was like, that's kind of sick, honestly. Yeah. So I go to my buddies, I go to my mom's in Rhode Island my buddy in Boston hits me up he's like yo filming the pod this week come through so I go do their podcast and I'm talking about this chick who like I hooked up with and stuff and turns out like the dude who runs the pod has hooked up with this chick before really he's like yo what's her name and I'm like he's like no fucking way whips out instagram he's

like yo is it this chick and i'm like yeah he's like dude that girl's like a uh like a chuckle fucker yeah yeah she likes to fuck comedians she likes to fuck comedians yeah and i was like dude that's insane yeah i felt like i was at like a strip club or something you know what i mean like thinking that yeah i'm like not like the other guys yeah yeah you know what i mean like i get puss yeah yeah so i guess this chick is just, like, hitting up comedians. Has the same routine, man. She's just, like, want to hang out. What are her tits like?

Pretty average. Just average? Very hot woman. Like, a very beautiful woman. Brunette? Black hair. Black hair. Yeah.

You know her, too? I don't think... There was this one chick I know from the Massachusetts area that has fucked like a bunch of. It's pretty common. Yeah. I didn't know it was that common. Yeah, chuckle fuckers exist for sure. Yeah, they're very like secretive about it, though.

I've seen some wild shit after shows. Well, dude, I guess they a lot of them do the same shit, though. They slide in. They're like, hey, let's meet up at this place. They kind of do like the whole stripper routine. Fuck you, suck you. Yeah. They're like, oh, no, I'm like a respectable young woman yeah but i fucked everybody that you you're on that pod with

yeah yeah i don't mean i thought i was special but i guess not dude dude none of us are special bro we're all lucky yeah all of us but that was crazy dude i remember being on the pod be like no fucking way dude he was like yo is this her i was like what that's crazy yeah i was like yo that's fucking wild you know so she had her so her pussy was just tore up from all the dudes this fucking i think so dude yeah i think that's a myth but for her it might be like all the dudes telling their jokes to her puss yeah like hello her like her labia is just like an antenna just gets off the jokes dude i saw these chick this chick the other day she's with her man bro and uh she like took a liking to mike figs she's like i love comedy i love you she's like i want to fuck you wow and figs is like this is your man's right here and he was like i don't care

And Figgs is like, your man's right here. And he was like, I don't care. He or she? So the chick was there with her boyfriend. Yeah. And the guy said, I don't care. The guy's like, I don't care. Oh, shit. And Figgs was like, oh, I got a girl.

She's like, so what? She's like, it'll be fun. Just come do it. And he was like, oh, I can't. He's like, but will you take a picture with me with your tits out and she was like yeah what and she just dude right in the club oh my god top off wow yeah man i used to get upset about whores and now i'm just like whatever man they're everywhere dude could you be with a chick that was like that? I think at this point, yeah. Oh, my God.

No, I wouldn't, like, date or anything, but I would. At this point in my life, dude, I'm just like, whatever, man. Yeah, open. Like, they're all whores, dude. You know what I mean? Like, every girl in New York City is either, like, mentally ill or, like, a whore. Yeah, or, like, a reformed whore that still has horrible mental health issues. Yeah.

And I know that's, like, an overgeneralization, but if you live here, it's like you know what's like an over generalization but no if you live here it's like you know what's going it's pretty spot on you're not gonna meet like a respectable like you know southern woman or something like that like it's just all fucking yeah my girl is from texas but the city has definitely crept into her brain yeah yeah it's just yeah i mean dude like i did a set, bro, like, two weeks ago. New York Comedy Club, dude. I do a set, whatever. I get off.

During my set, this chick heckled me or whatever. It's like a friendly heckle. Yeah. Took care of it, right? Yeah. She's laughing. I'm laughing, whatever. She, like, waited for me after the show, dude.

She's like, is John back there? What does she want? And they're like, yeah, he's in the green room. And they're like, she's like, okay, can you tell him I'm outside? So, like, I went outside and I'm, like, getting ready to fucking walk to the train or whatever. And this chick, dude, nine out of ten, the chick that, like, heckled me, comes up to me. She's like, oh, my God, that was amazing. Can I, she goes, can I hug you?

And I go, yes, like, whatever. I hug her. She's like, can I take a picture with you? I'm like, yeah, sure. She goes, yeah, hug you? And I go, yes, like whatever. I hug her. She's like, can I take a picture with you? I'm like, yeah, sure. She goes, yeah, it's my birthday. She's just complimenting me left and right. I'm talking to her and shit. And I'm like, yeah, maybe I'll see you around or whatever.

And she's like, let me get your Instagram. Dude, fucking follows me on Instagram, right? I'm public. Like, you can just follow me. She's private, so I request to follow her. She accepts it. I'm looking through her photos, bro. Just smoke show, bro.

And then I wake up the next day, and I go back to look at her Instagram, bro. Can't see it. It says requested, right? So like she like unaccepted the, like, you know what I mean? So I just can't see shit anymore. Damn. And then I'm going to be honest, dude. Like I was like, I should probably like message this chick,

but I didn't know what to say. So I hit up Rachel Williams and I'm like, yo, I met this chick last night. I don't know what to say. I know I'm going to fuck it up. So Rachel sends me shit. I literally just copy and pasted it, did it work no yeah never responded dude but do this chick asked for a hug i took i have there's a picture of us on her phone right now like i'm just like dude what do i have to do out here you know what i mean man like maybe she saw my

instagram it was like all right i can't do not do your instagram shows that you're a working artist yeah plus she saw like all my jokes and you know how fucked up my jokes are too dude so it's like for sure but it's like what do i have to do out here dude you know can't get your fucking break dude you know and you asked the most dude chick bro i literally i thought this williams I thought this chick was shitting her pants. That's like how big her ass was. Really? Yeah, I was like, oh my God. White girl?

Yeah. Packing heat. Like white short shorts. How were the jammers? Dude, she's a smoke show. Yeah. Like, you could tell she does squats. Like, she was like struggling to walk.

I was like, this is crazy. So you'd want to work out with her yeah do you so you messaged her yeah she hasn't responded has she seen it probably not maybe that's i may not hope that's it maybe she doesn't really use she didn't have a lot of followers or anything but like she actively for sure accepted it and then denied it so it's like because i dude i could i look through all her pictures and then next it. So it's like, because, dude, I look through all her pictures. And the next day, it's just like, like, even right now, it's still unrequested.

And I'm like, dude, what do I have to do out here, man? You know? We'll figure it out. Yeah. We'll figure it the fuck out. Just send her a picture of my gooch, dude. You know? All right, you want to take a phone call, dude?

I got to roll. You got to roll? Yeah. What the fuck, dude? Wow, who are you going to call? No, we just got some phone call, dude? I got to roll. You got to roll? Yeah. What the fuck, dude? Who are you going to call? No, we just got some phone calls, dude. We have phone calls? Yeah.

Is this a call-in show? Yeah. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, we usually... I mean, my bad, dude. It kind of flew by, but... I usually take phone calls. Take a call. I just asked you if you wanted to take a phone call.

Dude, we'll do one. Now I'll get out of here. Alright. Yeah, I just... Wanted to ask if you ever Shit in the shower And How you managed to get it down the drain

Yeah This is easy You've done this? Yeah you gotta step on it dude For real? Yeah Dude you've shit in the shower and stepped on it? Yeah.

Dude. I'm a fucking king, bro. Sober? I was definitely not doing well in my life. Dude. Oh, my. So you took a shit active, like you knew what you were doing. Yeah.

Of a clear mind. Yeah. Stepped on it, and it went down the drain. Well, yeah. I mean, you got to, like, fucking do grapes with it. You know, like how you make wine? Dude. You got to make shit wine, dude.

Yeah, that's fucked, dude. That's fucking insane. Down the drain. Dude, you do this on the reg? No, no, no. I would do it again, though. Did it feel good? Hell yeah.

Really? Yeah, bro. Dude, think about it. Think about you shower now you got a shit so you get out of the shower and shit that's that's crazy to me yeah sometimes when i take a shit dude i mean i don't wipe in general but dude sometimes i'll take a shit and then i'll just hop in the shower and then I'll take the shower jet and just fucking super soak my sphincter. Yeah.

Listen to that song by Soulja Boy. Do you bend over in the shower? I like the fucking water. I'm no joke. I listen to that song by Soulja Boy. You just hold it open? Yeah. I'll literally spread my ass cheeks and then I'll just spray my sphincter down, dude.

I love you like what you fuck with bidets. If I can find one, yeah. Yeah. Legally. I fuck with them. Yeah. I fuck with them hard body. Some of them don't work, though, dude.

Sometimes you have to hire, like, a fucking power washing company. You know what I mean? Did you, dude, does the hair on your ass ever get so long it, like, knots up? Yeah. And hurts? That's why I have to, so long it like knots up? Yeah. And hurts? That's why I have to like super soak my ass. I have to legit spread my ass cheeks and like legitimately do like a drain job. Yeah, my shit's like a jungle too.

But, dude, I'm never shaving that again, bro. I shaved my ass before when I was like 14, dude, and I couldn't walk for like a week. Oh, dude, once that starts coming in the hair it's insane but dude did you shave the inside of your ass i shaved my sphincter dude dude like the ring of fire dude yeah i i shaved my my ass before too and it's like the farts yeah they like slide out they like squeak out because they have no now there's nothing holding them back in yeah straight up fucking sorcery dude it's like yeah dude i shaved my ass when i was like 14 before a boys and girls club basketball game and i had to check out in the game because i thought my ass cheeks were falling off my body dude you probably went against the grain yeah you probably did a fucking bad job dude dude

i literally why would you do that because it's was just hairy. I was like, fuck. Well, dude, I remember, like, I was like, dude, my ass, like, I can feel the hair, but I had never seen it before. Yeah. So I stood up on the counter and just bent over and spread my ass cheeks, dude. And I, like, legit lost five years of my life, dude. It was fucking crazy, dude. Like, to this day, I have trauma from, like, seeing that. To this day? Yeah. I was like, dude, I got to take care of this. Yeah, my shit is insane, dude. Like, to this day, I have trauma from seeing that. To this day?

Yeah. I was like, dude, I got to take care of this. Yeah, my shit is insane, too. Yeah. But I don't shave it down to the skin anymore. If I do shave it, I put a guard on. Okay. So I'll do like a one, one and a half.

Like a super cuts trimmer? 1.5. Yeah, something like that. 1.5 millimeter? Yeah, 1.5. Mine would be like 1.5 feet, dude. It'd be like 1.5 feet, dude. Sometimes my pubes will get so long, they'll grow longer than my actual dick. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, you need help, dude. Yeah, it's crazy. It's insane. It's insane. You're taking shits in the shower with like foot-long pubes? Well, dude, sometimes if I'm being very active, my ass hair will tangle up and get knotted. And then when I'll have to go take a shit, it'll rip.

Yeah. And it just fucking, it's, it's, it hurts. Dude. Sometimes I want to grow out my pubes so long that I can shave a dick above my dick. Like into your pubes. So I have two dicks, dude. You know how sick that would be dude that's hilarious yeah

do you manscape or no i got something from target dude yeah do you get real haircuts you go to super cuts you go to super guts yeah i switched up for a little bit i went to started going to sports clips which is like worse than supercuts but they have fucking tv so you can watch like sporting events right because i hate talking to people at supercuts dude yeah they just always bring up like the dumbest shit but dude then i went to supercuts bro and this lady was like yeah like your hair's like really dry like let me hook you up with you know the stuff yeah so she grabs like shampoo and conditioner without even like telling me bro

like puts it on the counter bro i dude literally i spent a hundred dollars oh you did a fucking wash dude no it was just like product she was like you need this for your hair like it's super dry oh she got you yeah she got me bad and i was just like all right i guess i'll fucking get it you know so like i don't know if I'm going to go back there or like, you know, damn dude, business are doing it now though, dude. They're like asking for tips and they're like really trying to fuck you over.

Dude. It's like, well, you banged, you banged a super cuts chick the one time. No, I didn't hook up with her, dude.

I just went on a date with her. That's it. Yeah. But I don't even know, man. Cause you can't find, if you go to a barber, dude,

they're going to cut your hair short. Yeah. I mean, I got to find a place. I just need to find like a regular... The barbers won't know how to cut your hair. Yeah. I need to find like a fucking salon or something where they're just like not going to shave my head off, dude.

You know what I mean? Because like every time I go to Supercuts, they fuck it up. And I just have to wait for it to grow back. Supercuts will fuck it up. Sport Clips will fuck it up. I was like, where can you go, man? You need like a Dominican guy. No, dude.

He'll shave my fucking head off. No, tell him you want it. He'll give me those lines and shit, dude. They'll literally do that. In your eyebrow? Yeah. If I go down the block, dude, they'll literally fucking... I'll look like I'm in fucking End of Watch, dude.

Oh, my God. I got to get rocking, brother. All right, dude. Games at 7.05. Do I plug my stuff? You have a game? A Yankee game. Oh.

Yeah. It's not even the fucking postseason, dude. It's a subway series, though. Mets-Yankees. All right. Yeah. Listen to On the Gate podcast. Yeah, what else?

You got anything coming up? No. Serious, dude? Yeah. Nothing? I got nothing, dude. All right. I had some headlining gigs cancel.

Fuck, man. Because I couldn't sell tickets. Well, yeah, follow Derek on Instagram, dude. Yeah. I'll put your Instagram on that thing. Get me to 50K. And then, yeah, watch the Patreon and like and subscribe. Maybe we can grow the podcast.

Probably not, but it's fine, dude. All right. No, thank you for coming, dude. It was good to see you, man. Thank you, brother. Appreciate it.