The Johnny Salami Podcast - Dominic Leonelli

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

Dominic Leonelli by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Thank you. Oh, bro, I'm hurting. You haven't looked at the Instagram at all? you have no idea where you are right now wow what type of plot is this i don't know i just feel like you'd like lose a few brain cells if you like actually looked that's wild man you know yeah i haven't really um yeah i haven't looked my bad tits man that's wild i probably should i kind of feel bad now yeah i like going into this stuff with no anticipation yeah it's always cool to like meet new people though dude you know yeah like when you have no idea about the other person yeah yeah yeah but i've seen your videos like i see them all the time they always like show up on my feed so that's what's up yeah you have a lot

of funny video have you when did you start doing like the whole uh sketch thing start doing the whole sketch thing? Started doing the sketch stuff a long time ago. I actually met up with Mike Oldroyd, another comic. We did this thing, Midwest Sketch Bandits. We had a little area. We had a camera guy. We were just throwing it together. But we did like 12 of those, just us doing it. He moved, the pandemic and all that.

And then I got into doing it this way. the pandemic and all that and then i got into doing it this way but honestly probably about five years now even on my own before him i did some on my own yeah did sketch at ucb like seven years ago what do you do when like uh when you're writing and uh someone brings up an idea and it's just like retarded oh dude you get that all the time i I'm on set, like I'm filming a movie and people will be like, oh, you know what you do? The whole movie will be about this follow and this one character.

But you get five, six people, actors on set, then they're like, oh no, I'll tell you, we gotta do this and no, trust me, we'll do it. And you gotta be the bad guy and be like, I just, this is how I handle that. I go, maybe another time, but for now, let's just do this. You just shut them down you kind of got to i can see you saying that too like oh no we'll do that another time oh that sounds good but maybe not right on this one in particular

yeah i feel like uh when i was uh when i was trying that stuff uh during coven and stuff yeah i just feel like you know it feels like everyone wants their own role, you know? And they're like, oh, like I should say this. And it's like, nah, dude. You can't get people to say the line. Honestly, it's so hard. There's times, especially working with comics versus actors, like when I first started, I didn't know any actors. So I wouldn't be able to hire actors.

I didn't have the money. so I'd always use comics. And then you're on set. You're in the middle of it. You got the camera people there. You might be spending $300, $400, $500. You got location. And then you got this friend over here. And then you're like, okay.

And then remember, when he says action, you come in. So about two seconds, but listen for my line. When I say, okay, then you know, come in. All right, but listen listen for my line when i say okay then you know come in all right so we're doing the scene okay and we're waiting and it's like okay and we're waiting we look outside the dude's gone the other actor completely left dude i'm calling him dude he's in washington square park doing coke i'm like dude what if i find him three hours later i'm like everybody left dude we had to cancel the whole thing he's like yeah man i fucked up just like bro what and then you're

just getting all emotional dude because you put so much into it you're just like bro i just a whole saturday i hired camera people i had like a location and everything you know you run into that man because you like uh you have in your mind like what you want it to look like right does it ever like turn out that way or is it always man, because you have in your mind what you want it to look like. Right. Does it ever turn out that way, or is it always kind of like... You know what? Actually, it doesn't turn out that way, but it's all for the better. The short I'm doing, my stars, I had three main characters. It was very important that they were in it.

And two of them canceled the night before, and then two little extra rolls with a few lines. So a cast of seven people, five canceled. I had to replace the whole cast. And literally, this is at midnight, we're shooting at 10 in the morning the next day. And I replaced everybody. And it turned out to be a way better shoot than I would have ever even imagined. And they didn't even know the lines. They didn't study the line.

And I was like, oh, so sometimes it's for the better but you learn you're like all right i'm not calling that person no more you know somebody screws you once or twice yeah it's an emotional roller coaster dude have you sometimes i uh i would like make sketches and i would pitch the idea yeah and it would just be so far fetched that people would just like hang up yeah i've had that a lot yeah i don't know why i have this idea for a sketch for like 10 years and i can't let it go i used to walk dogs when i first moved here and uh anyways every time i pitch it people donate they actually i feel like they lose respect for me like i just don't get why you would even think that's remotely something there but so i i ended up knowing this

kid that i grew up with and his dad and his brothers used to fake like they were biting the dog's nose right they would pretend they make the noise know? And you'd hear it. And he'd be like, I'm going to bite your nose. And it was the funniest thing to me because there was one kid that never knew they were faking. And he was biting his dog's nose. And I don't know why. It's like so funny to me. But everybody's like, yeah, dude, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm just cracking up trying to tell him the idea like no this guy was actually biting his dog's

nose and you have that image in your mind too like you're trying to like paint a picture yeah and you hear the dog crying it's yeah yeah yeah people are like yeah no i don't i don't see the humor in that one yeah dude i mean at least you can uh at least you can film in, like, New York City, dude. Like, where I'm from, dude, if you were filming, like, crazy stuff, people would call the cops and, like, you know? And I'm not even talking about, like, this isn't, like, Viceland. Like, this is just, like, a bunch of Karens.

Like, even if you leave the house, they're going to call the cops, dude. Yeah. Where's that at? going to call the cops, dude. Yeah. Where's that at? In Rhode Island. Oh, okay. Yeah, I like Rhode Island. You don't even know. A lot of Italians out there.

I did a show in Rhode Island. I did this Apple Winery or something. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It's a little comedy room they do there. There's some great food out there, bro. Nobody's ever outside anymore, though. It's weird. Yeah.

Nobody's outside there. A lot of Portuguese's weird. Yeah. Nobody's outside then. It's got a lot of Portuguese dudes who are plotting against the world and shit. Just saving up on apples and shit. The place I went was heavy Italian. A lot of risotto. Oh, you probably went to Providence. Oh, yeah. I was in Providence.

Yeah. It was all Italians. Yeah. Yeah, they have a strip of just Italian restaurants. Yeah, I mean, the stuff filming in New York, that's why we're here. We're just talking about the rent. It's like, dude, if I try to do this in Ohio, I definitely ain't finding no actors. Nobody in Ohio is like, oh, yeah, I'll do that.

I won't change oil tomorrow at the Ford dealership. I'll act like an eggplant with you in this video yeah it takes a lot of balls to uh even like there were some sketches i tried making on my own and i was just like thank god i didn't make that man i remember one time i was going through a breakup dude and uh i was just like uh this was it was a long time ago but you ever go through a breakup and you start to spiral a little bit oh yeah wild ideas dude i uh ended up dressing up in uh woman's tights dude and uh like a tight shirt yeah dude i got a wig on yeah lipstick dude and i uh dude i pulled my pants down and the uh the burger king drive-thru wow dude so i was like facing burger king with my ass out like i was spreading my cheeks apart too no dude not even one person laughed oh wow yeah you know

it's funny it's crazy i don't know if it's something about burger king and high school we used to go streak around burger king really we just you? We'd get out of the car and we'd run around Burger King naked. During the day? We thought it was so funny. Whenever, day, night. I feel like that would play a huge role in my decision. Now it's like looking back, I'm like, I can't believe we did. I knew these kids.

I hung out with them and they were like, I dare you to streak, run around the Burger King naked. So I did that. And I ended up realizing real early on, this isn't a good group of people I want to be hanging out with. Every time we're hanging out, one of us is getting naked. I'm like, I don't know what type of boys club this is. Right? So I quit hanging out with the people.

And about six months goes by. And they're on the news, dude. They made CNN news. Because they went out to Cleveland and they're on the news dude they made cnn news because they went out to cleveland and they're playing the tape and they're like now some people aren't named like this one right here and you see me dude on the news running around burger king naked six o'clock news nobody ratted me out though dude's playing 24 7 trying to find this assailant i'm running around what year was this dude this was in 2001

and the tape resurfaces every now and then one of them will drop it on facebook like it's like nostalgic to them did any of them like come out of the closet or anything um in that group no i don't think so no they were just doing stuff like that for fun before school i remember i hung out with them one time they were giving me a ride to school he goes yeah man i'll give you a ride we're meeting up beforehand we're getting we're all gonna meet up here so we meet up on some street corner i'm like are we picking somebody up they go no hold on we're pretending that we're selling magazines door to door and they go but check it out here goes the

thing matt is gonna have his dick out and then this kid's going door to door selling magazines with his dick out and it's before school it's like 6 30 in the morning people are opening up the door he's like hey so we got the time life magazine and his dick's out this one guy his daughter answered and you know she's like staying home from school he's like what the fuck are you doing your thing's out the dad the dad was all screaming he's your thing is out we're just sitting there cracking up. Dick all out before school. That's so funny, dude.

That happened when I went to high school. You had to fundraise for sports because they had no money. So we would go around this wicked rich neighborhood, dude. We would just go door to door knocking. And we went to this one house. It's like middle-aged man, dude. He opens up the door, dude. He's wearing a white shirt.

Nothing else. Oh, man. His shirt was like above his belly button, too. He was on some creep shit. We were like... He was mentally challenged oh and we didn't know that we didn't know and then uh there was different groups of us so like people just kept people just kept knocking on the door because they wanted to sell like you had to sell tickets to raise money so every single hour there would be like a new group of kids

who would just ring his doorbell and just fight. Felt so bad, dude. But that'll be, that's something you'll remember for the rest of your life, dude. Oh, yeah. There's times I've done some dumb shit. Like I know one time my father, he got remarried and I was meeting like her parents and stuff for the first time. My stepmom.

And I'm like 16. And I didn't know that this guy, the type of relationship they had. I remember my first grandparents from my mother or whatever, they call you if they're going to come over. They knock on the door. They don't have a key and just show up. So I'm thinking nobody's home and he's home that does her dad so my essentially my grandfather's home he's downstairs painting and you know i'm just on the phone with my buddy and i'm all loud and being stupid i'm all like yeah i tried told

the motherfucker did it is and i'm yelling all this shit i'm selling the bricks bitch you heard and i look and he's right there that's the first time he met me he's like well hello dominic good afternoon you heard everything you said yeah dude i'm going off because you're i mean dude you're fucking you're hilarious dude but you're you're good at like keeping a keeping a straight face oh yeah that makes me laugh so much man you know man there was a buddy we used to call it straight face and one of my real good friends of mine i wish he'd be a comedian he's the one that got me into that anytime we'd go anywhere he was older than me so he was the first

one with a license like so he'd pick me up we'd go to like chick-fil-a or to walmart and i remember everywhere we went he would mess with people like we were out one time we seen the the sports mr sports or whatever from our hometown at the bar and he's all like oh yeah he's like i'm gonna go mess with this dude tell him you're just watching me i'm like what do you mean he just goes up to the dude he's all he just keeps trying to touch the dude and bro i'm losing i'm trying my best not to laugh like everywhere we go we go to GNC. I'm just buying some vitamins. He'd be like, excuse me.

He goes, I was wondering if you could help me. And he starts lifting up his shirt. He's like, I have a goiter. Dude, I just lose my shit. Everywhere we went, he'd say something off the hook, just crazy. Yeah. You guys still talk or no? Yeah, yeah.

I'm still cool with him. I mean, he's got two kids. He's working. But I wish that we had shit back then, like, yeah. I'm still cool with him. I mean, he's got two kids. He's working. But I wish that we had shit back then, like a video. We just called it straight face. And you'd see how far you can mess with somebody. Like bad. Because we worked together at a car dealership.

So we're together 24-7. We're almost on the same page. We had this kid prank his mom. We got the number off the application. His application. We seen the emergency contact prank his mom. We got the number off the application, his application. We seen the emergency contact was his mother. And I put the number in my phone under cheating bitch. And I'm all like,

dude, I'm going to call this girl. She cheated on me, call her a dumb fat bitch. And I goes, all right. And it's his mom. And I called it on speakerphone.

She answers. He's like, Hey, you dumb fat bitch. She goes, Matthew. He just hangs up the phone. Did you, when you were younger, did people look at you and they were like, all right, I respect this dude? They had no idea your humor side, or were you kind of open about it? Yeah, no, I was this dude. Like they had no idea like your humor side or were you kind of like open about it?

You know? Yeah. No, I was always silly. People always had me doing stand up way before I even thought stand up was a thing. Oh yeah. Like it would be third grade on the bus. Yo Dom, do stand up. Like always.

In auditorium when we'd have the school meeting, people all day. Hey man, we know there's a meeting. You know, you going to mess with them? Because I used to raise my hand when they'd be like, is there any questions? Like when you meet in the school meeting, people all day, hey, man, we know there's a meeting. You going to mess with them? Because I used to raise my hand when they'd be like, is there any questions? Like when you meet in the auditorium, I would raise my hand and just ask stupid questions. Like, you know, am I allowed to wear?

But before I tell you this, I want you to know I'm Italian. You know, I keep saying that. I'm Italian just so you know. Can I wear red? And they'd just be confused. I just keep it going so you know can i wear red and they just be confused i just keep it going you know messing with them so you had uh you understood like the the art of it at an early age i just like the attention i was always being funny you know i was honestly a lot of me would do the stuff me and my buddy came up with that kid i work with i've known him my whole life

so we'd end up joking about something The night before and then I'd end up Taking it to school Yeah it took me a while to figure out The whole organization of humor You know I was always really random dude I was always yelling shit Yeah yeah yeah

That's the funniest shit And like vagina and I thought it was like the funniest thing in the world But there's no like structure to that You know what I mean Like it would be funny if you you yelled vagina on stage like that would be funny but it's like you know you're better than that dude right you know what I mean yeah that stuff with your friends is funny though just because they're like your straight face I just figured like people might look at you and you know think you're like quiet

or something yeah no I guess they always kind of knew you know i was always pretty much doing an impression or doing something stupid and in real life i am quiet when people are like dude you're supposed to be a comedian i gotta remind myself i take myself too serious like when i go do a gig i think being scarred you know and like in general they make comedy so fucking hard these bookers and everybody it's like you gotta kiss ass and beg and so i'm always feel like i'm walking on eggshells i need to just be like um yeah screw it you know just be yourself yeah yeah but you know how they do it here it's like you feel like oh i gotta i gotta present i need this five minutes of stage time or something yeah and then you gotta remind yourself

to just have fun dude it's like bro we, bro, we're comedians. Yeah. The last thing we want to be is serious. And one of us, this clip could go mega viral. Your whole life's different. Yeah, it's wild, man. It's wild how people are like talking about serious stuff too as comedians. Like, you know, if you're talking about like farts and balls and stuff, you know, you shouldn't be like giving people advice about it. You know, it's like dudes who used to light their farts on fire giving advice about like farts and balls and stuff you know you shouldn't be like giving people advice about right you know it's like uh dudes who used to light their farts on fire giving advice about

like politics right it's like dude i saw you like finger bang a chicken you know right like you shouldn't be uh talking about like you know serious stuff oh yeah dude you see too much of that bullshit yeah but like you said man like uh like, that never really happened to me that often. Or, like, because I was super quiet, dude, and I never, like, it was hard for people to read me and stuff. And I remember one time I, in high school, I bought my first vehicle, and it was a truck. And I ended up picking this girl up, and I pulled into her driveway, dude. And her dad was outside. Yeah. And this is my first time driving the truck. So she was like, you have to say hi to him.

Like you have to get out of the truck and say hi to him and like meet him. And I was like, yeah, no problem. So I got out like, Hey, how you doing? I'm John. Nice to meet you. And he was like, yo bro, sick truck, man. Like, is it cool if I check it out? So he's like walking around the truck and he goes around yo bro sick truck man like is it cool if i check it out so he's like walking around the truck and he goes around the back and there was these stickers on the back that i had no idea were there and uh i had a dodge ram and it said uh dodge the father ram the daughter and he was just like nice nice stickers man but i was like oh wow i was like oh i just i just got

it man i just picked it up like he was like i'm sure dude but stuff like that man you're just like shit dude you know yeah i've always had blood on my face trying to be funny in front of the girl i remember i had this date same thing i was 16 my car didn't have reverse dude so it was real bad he's like no you gotta pull in this way and i knew no dude the fucking car didn't have reverse dude so it was real bad he's like no you gotta pull in this way and i knew no dude the fucking thing don't have reverse if i pull in that way i'm gonna be pushing it for 20 minutes trying to get you know i need to park on a hill you know and the dude's like no no i'm trying to pull it on the hill he's like what's the matter with you pull it here now and i pull it in i'm like all right now i know i gotta push this car out when i leave yeah

so i'm hanging out and i'm trying to make her laugh and her dad turns around and i make this stupid face and he goes i could see you in the mirror there he made me make the face and the daughter's like yeah why would you do that i felt so uncomfortable and then i had to leave to flood it out my car it won't start so i had to wait like 30 minutes i'm sitting on his porch he goes you know he's giving me this long speech you know it's just disrespectful man you're 17 you know when i was 17 i was enlisted in the military he's telling me your car you can't even get your damn car out of here. Oh, man. Dude, that stuff creeps.

Like, oh, that's so stressful, man. I'm pushing my car. They're not even helping me. Are you a good driver or no? I'm all right. You know, sometimes I drive and I just forget I'm driving. That's my problem. Been doing it too long.

You know, a lot of times I'll end up somewhere else and be like son of a bitch you know yeah i always get uh i'm not really i'm not a great driver but i'm pretty decent like i've never been in an accident i've been in one accident but i always freak out when people yell at me like to get into like a parking space dude oh yeah i used to work for amazon dude during covid and uh you had to you had to pack up the vans and stuff you know get ready for the day and dude the turnout was so tight you had to fucking be focused man and this dude was just like fucking go because i was like i was like i'm not gonna make it right i was like i'm literally not gonna make it he was like send it send it and i did dude i literally drove into like a steel pipe wow just completely

like fucking dented the front end and i backed out and just left and he just like didn't even flinch dude they're tapped in there man and the amazon factories dude there's people like pissing in bottles like damn yeah i feel like they gotta be paying though i see those people everywhere i mean you make like 20 an hour maybe so you're making some bank but you're also driving Damn. Yeah, I feel like they've got to be paying, though. I see those people everywhere. I mean, you make like $20 an hour, maybe. So you're making some bank. But you're also driving a big-ass truck around New York. Yeah, it wasn't even here.

It was in Massachusetts. They need to pay more just for the big-ass truck driving. Around here, I don't know how much it would... Dude, I'd kill myself if I had to do Amazon around here, man. Yeah. It's crazy people, dude. But if you're in the suburbs, man, there's nothing better, dude. I would just play some, you know, some classic rock, dude, and just drive around with a coffee, man.

Yeah, dude, I've had moving jobs around here where you got the big truck. And, dude, there's times, like, I've scraped it, did that, and it's like, yeah, I'm going. I don't have time. I used to keep an extra hundred on me for when I'd scratch somebody's car. I'd just hop out and give them the hundred. Oh, yeah. I mean, because you can't wait for the cops.

You're like, dude, I got two more moves lined up. And I feel like you're just going to, you're going to, this is when all the outside dining was there. Dude, you're scraping cars in a moving. It's just, you were in New York. Just the way it is, dude. Your shit's getting scraped. Yeah. Like, what do you want me to do?

I have one. Last time I had a car, actually actually it was a s10 pickup truck and was beat to shit it was this cheap car and i i didn't even have insurance at the time it was like in between insurance things and i was like i know i shouldn't drive but i'm like screw it and i was working i used to do some detailing like on the side like i could get little marks out of paint and i had some chemicals in the truck like to detail with like on the move a little like people's nice cars so anyways do a brake line my brake line pops and i rear end somebody and i mark up their car and they hop out like lawsuit ready like i barely

even heard them i just marked up their car it didn't even dent it and they're out like lawsuit ready like i barely even heard them i just marked up their car didn't even dent it and they're all like oh my back i'm calling the police and it was this older lady and dude i get the wax out and i rub the mark out and you can't even tell i hit the car it looks perfect and the cops show up i'm like look i tried telling her she thinks i hit the car there's not even a mark there There would definitely be a mark. Dude, the cop let me go. He's like, all right. He goes, yeah.

He goes, miss, you're just obviously shook up. I rear-ended the car. I didn't even have insurance. The cop didn't even ask to check. I'm like, you know, she stopped short, and I hit my brakes, and I beeped the horn, and she got out talking about I hit her. I'm like, I'm 10 feet away from her. And then then he goes yeah it's okay you could pull out I had to drive away with no brakes I'm waiting for the cop to leave he's like go ahead go ahead I'm thinking bro I don't got any brakes oh man bro I ended up driving and then I had to go in people's yards

to slow the car down bro I'm in somebody's yard. And the fucking cop comes pulling in. I'm like, bro. He goes, hey, bud, what's going on? You all right? I'm like, oh, yeah, I got the wrong house. I'm supposed to be picking up some mulch. Dude, I don't even know where I got the life from.

The cop lets me go. And I'm pulling out. I get stuck in this dude's yard. He comes outside. He goes, yo, what the hell are you doing, dude And I'm pulling out. I get stuck in this dude's yard. He comes outside. He goes, yo, what the hell are you doing, dude? I'm tearing his yard. You would think I'm purposely giving him a lawn job. I just couldn't.

Dude, I'm destroying the dude's yard. Oh, I'm trying to move. I'm like, dude, mud is everywhere. He's just screaming. And then he comes out trying to help me. I'm like, dude, I'm sorry. I'm stuck'm stuck I was like let me just park my car over here I'll give you my insurance information oh that truck

was such bad luck dude I drive away finally get the brakes fixed and it's winter time I'm doing like two miles an hour it's the second time I'm out with the truck I'm like dude this is a bad luck truck. I just got the brakes fixed. It's snowing.

And this dude pulls up next to me to pass me. I'm like, no, he's not fucking passing me. Dude, I floor it. I go sideways into a ditch, bro. I was like, fuck this truck, bro. Anti-freeze shit everywhere. I'm like, dude, what? She got a straight face the whole time, too.

Yeah. Oh, I'm real good at looking scared. I just look really scared. I'll be like, well, what happened? He'll be like, what do you mean what fucking happened? Oh, man. Oh, this is nice. What do you mean what happened?

You just took out my mailbox. No, I didn't do that i get real serious what happened dude when i worked for amazon i pulled up to this uh like this rich dude's house it was like nine at night and it was like one of my first weeks dude and i was like dude i'm like 50 stops behind i'm gonna be out till midnight wow so they're sending dudes to come like help you know help me out it had to be in my second week man i'm speeding dude i'm just like throwing packages on people's lawns like i'm just like i gotta get the fuck out of here dude i pull up the van to like this rich dude's house and the back of the van had like a railing that was broken off like it it was like hanging off

the back yeah and it wrapped around this dude's mailbox and just put like pulled it out of the dirt so i'm driving down the road and i just hear like the loudest sound like and i turn around i just see his mailbox like hooked to the back and i'm like dragging it dude and i was like dude i can't like i can't go back and be like ah you know he doesn't know what happened yeah i mean he probably does i turned around and just took it off and put it like laid it on the ground wow if he has cameras you're just gonna see me like you know uh yeah man the good old days yeah it's funny though you ever date like a real lanky stretched out one of those uncoordinated girl it's like they're grown like ever date, like, a real lanky, stretched out, one of those uncoordinated girl?

It's like they got the little pony legs going. They're tripping on shit. We had a girl in middle school. She broke both of her legs at the same time. Wow. Just walking. That's crazy. Yeah, she wasn't drinking enough milk, dude.

Yeah. She was, like, 85 pounds, dude. Her name was Carson Scaletti, dude. I knew a girl that got them shots her parents had money and they they give you them shots if you're 12 where it opens up your growth plates everything got big on her but her torso dude her like arms and legs her fingers everything abnormally long neck she had the torso of a six-month-old baby what do you mean growth plates is those the things they like drill if you got, they'll give you shots.

It's something special. You get these shots. Like fucking horse tranquilizers, dude? It's expensive. I think it's like $3,000 a gram or something. Jesus. It's for these people with money. Because, you know, it helps you grow.

But you can't really balance it out. This was 20 years ago. You can't really balance it out like that. She's still elongated. She works at Walmart. She's a cashier at Walmart in our hometown. You think she's slobbing on cock? I mean, you know, if she's lucky enough, you know, getting that, somebody's getting that cashier mouth.

There's got to be a dude out there who's into that kind of stuff. Yeah, one of those lengthed out girls. Well, I think with guys, it doesn't matter. You know, you know we'll take anything you know as long as she pays her bills on time she still look like a human or she have like six dicks or something she's uh real elongated everything's long she looks like uh you ever see that stretch that toy that you stretch out stretch armstrong it just doesn't break yeah you just She's stretched out, neck all long. At least she's unbreakable, dude. Wrists long, everything long. Wow.

Except for her torso, little shit. She make it in the league or no? She sits in a stool and she gets lower. You're like, no, she never played ball, actually. She was just a regular girl, decent at math. And she just got them growth plates. Her parents had money. Dad was this rich lawyer, too.

He used to always get our mayor of our town off. He'd be telling us, yep, got busted picking up hookers. He would jerk them off? He would get them off, you know, out of legal shit. Oh. I thought you were saying they had like a relationship. Get pulled over with some,

you know, get pulled over. Yeah, she was a smooth talker, man. She ended up in my basement one time. I woke up. My mother let her in. I just wake up. She's standing over my bed all along. What age?

I was about 16. Damn. She just hovered over you? Yeah. Because she, true story. This is a true story. She got really way taller than everybody else with these shots. I knew her since like the sixth grade.

And got these shots and was like, you know, just tall. I'm trying to think of someone I knew who had like a disorder, like a disability like that. I just can't. I knew a few girls with um one time i came home from football practice and this girl sent me a picture of her tits it was my first ever oh shit experiencing it i had an nv2 what's an nv2 it's a verizon phone oh anytime you got a photo they would charge you oh wow i was like dude this better be good and i remember opening it up and uh dude her her nipples

were like the size of her tits oh wow yeah she had huge nipples dude i knew somebody like that once i just mean actually really yeah i don't want to say her name but say her name it's all nips dude blow you away really dude it yeah man i don't even know i can't even explain what i think something happened to my eyes. Yeah. When I saw it, I felt like I was looking into, like, another dimension, dude. It's real animalistic when you see them with those things. I felt kind of, I mean, I showed all my boys.

Yeah, of course, you got to. And they were like, you know, that's how rumors kind of spread. Right. That's how I felt kind of bad, but at the same time, it was just like, it's so inhumane. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know a girl like that. The worst is when you got the girl on your phone in the background and your boy sees it and you're all proud. Yeah, that's my look. You see my girl.

He's like, man, you're lucky. You get to feel that gloatness of your friend being jealous. You're like, yeah, man, I am. He'll be like, yeah, man, because she's a freak, man. You know, I used to blow her back out all the time then the other friend comes out oh yeah that's funny you dating jess now yeah man we used to really fuck her up you're speaking from personal experience yeah and then you're like you know guys it's my girlfriend guys they start pulling up the videos they're showing you you're like she said she would never do that

that's tough yeah that's the worst because you feel like really what happened man uh she ended up cheating on me some more i couldn't let it go no more she kept cheating on me with people i'd see her random places and people would even hit me up they'd be like yeah i mean i wanted to tell you i know you and jess broke up i ended up buying her some drinks. She slobbed me up. And I'm like, dude, I'm still with her. But I loved her so much, I wanted to stay with her. Like, you were talking about heartbreak. This was one of those.

And I came home one time. I went home to visit, and I was still thinking about this girl for six years. I thought about this girl. And I hear a girl crying in the snow, and she's laying there. Her underwear is around her ankles ankles and it's her bro she's like somebody just fucked me i don't know who it is and she was crying dude she's laying in the snow she's like i'm married can you give me a ride home to my husband and i was like man thank you god for not letting me marry this girl i gave her a ride home the husband had me all in the

middle of it he's like what did the guy look like i'm like bro i seen her in the snow crying i was like i don't know but then i started thinking like you know what this dude's getting cocky with me i'm like fuck him so i was like well you know i mean i seen the first three dudes and then after that i went over there to make sure she was all right you know she was with like two dudes kind of beating them off simultaneously and then i think there was another dude that hit and then i went eight and some more dudes hit and i came back you should have seen this dude's face man his kids they had kids together wait so walk me through this dude i just you're blowing my fucking like i'm losing brain cells dude so you're saying You're driving down the road

No no Walking out of a bar I stopped in a bar for a drink And she was jerking Two dudes off Well she was laying in the snow Crying Underwear around her ankles

Real confused Look on her face You gave her a ride home To her husband Yeah Where's the jerking off coming from So I did make these things up Because the dude

i was trying to be cordial with the guy oh okay trying to be nice and he's getting cocky you know he's all like no like i want to know so i'm like all right you know you're fucking with the wrong person because don't keep in mind i gave your wife a ride home she's nothing to me this is the mother of your children right here yeah so you know, you know, I went in. I was like, all right. I was trying to lie for her. She's incoherent at this time. I'm just like, okay. So I seen there was two dudes. And I started getting, I was really describing it to him.

I'm like, I don't really know what happened. She was like bent over the back of a truck. And she's like, oh, yeah, fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. And I was like, you know, I let it be. I went inside, had another drink and i came out and there's a different set of dudes now this time someone did have the mouth i'm just different 20 minutes i'm telling him this about his wife damn i'm describing what they look like

he's all naming the people that's geron that's geron i'm like he had tattoos on his neck i think you know he drove a cutlass damn so you kind of saw like yourself in him a little bit yeah the early me and honestly if he would have been nice i wouldn't have made him think all that about his wife but they ended up getting a divorce she's married again to somebody else from back home that's the thing with those back home girls what do you ever have that happen when she was back home girls. What do you think kept you going, though? When she was cheating on you, like, what do you think kept you in the game? First pretty girl I've ever dated.

Yeah. She was the first girl. Because normally the girls I had back in the day, people come up to me and be like, man, that's nice of you, man. That's nice you're helping her out. You treat her right. You treat her like a human. I'd be like, yeah, yeah you know and that's how it was with my first couple girlfriends so when i said this girl was a budweiser model and she was

in a blink 182 video oh wow yep and uh anyways i met her wendy's and uh either way you know just the looks i was infatuated by the look she was so pretty yeah it's crazy what that'll do to you man oh my god mental photos up there yeah yeah i got a few and she fell off dude she was in her prime at 20 you know started getting into like how lucky you are that it happened early on and not like later in life well she was a straight arrow back in the day she used to just eat cereal she'd eat that special case cereal like four cups a day she stayed real healthy little strawberries some greek yogurt and then um she just fell off quick got involved with the wrong guy you know yeah once you start sucking dick dude all that at the bar everybody, yeah, she'll suck your dick for drinks.

Yep, that's what they'd all say about her. I bought her a few drinks even after we broke up. I was, you know, just waiting my turn. You know, but that's the worst, man. That was the worst breakup I've ever had. After that, every other girl, I've just been like, you know, at least she's not sucking all my friends off. Yeah. Now in comedy, you get that you ever mess around with a girl in comedy and then she's banging 20 other dudes yeah i feel like you always find out i've never experienced that but i feel

like i'd find out when it's too late oh when you're with her i'd already have the hard-boiled eggs ready dude oh yeah you just spent your whole paycheck on her and then yeah all your friends are like oh yeah we all ran through that. Yeah, they're like, oh, you're going to the orgy later? Yeah. They're hitting her up at three in the morning. It sucks, man, because they're so good at, like, playing it off. Yeah.

You know, they're like, I don't hook up with guys. You know, I'm a respectable young woman. And then at night, dude, they're just smacking dicks around. You could always tell once the alcohol comes out. A lot of these girl comics will be real cordial. You turn around, they're making out with somebody that's like 58 years old, and you're like, whoa, I thought she was cool. 20 minutes ago, she's telling me about her grandmother

and how she's a Mormon and all this stuff. Makes you think, man, Because you can kind of... Alcohol is weird, man. You ever get girls randomly? I'll tell you what I get a lot of randomly is girl comics sending me their nudes and a link to their OnlyFans. And then them saying, the first month's freer. Here's one on the house. And then they'll be like, but if you want to buy this one.

You know, I try to help comedians out. We're all a family. This girl sent me a video of her doing all kinds of crazy stuff for free. And then she tells me, oh, here's a video if you want to buy. It's $8. It's way different than that last one. And, you know, I fucking bought it. $8.

You put in your credit card information into this thing. It's a video of her cutting a watermelon like she's not even doing shit she's wearing an apron just cutting watermelon $8 I'm like whatever I mean dude I jerk off to that I'm like yeah whatever $8 I helped her out I don't feel like I get nothing out of it about three months goes by

and I'm looking at my credit card somehow I fall I haven't used it and I'm over my limit. Dude, I've been getting charged $40 a month for three months. She hit me with that secret charge on that damn video. I'm over here on the phone with my credit card company like, okay, yeah, I didn't pay for that. And they're like, okay, let's see. Okay, the bootylicious, you know, like, no, I didn't.

That's not, you know, that's not me. You got to take that off. Got scammed. It's tough, man. Like, that's like going to the strip club, you know? Yeah. I mean, at least the strip club, you know, I'm spending this. As long as you don't get too drunk. I mean, I didn't know that, dude. I went to the strip club, man, and know, I'm spending this. As long as you don't get too drunk.

I mean, I didn't know that, dude. I went to the strip club, man, and this chick took me in there. Drinking a little? I mean, I wasn't even that drunk, dude. This chick just took me in the back, and she was like, she bent over, you know? She was like, welcome to Arby's. Oh, wow. She showed me the roast beef, dude, and I just, I gave her everything I had.

Handed over the credit card. No, you can credit card. No, just so you can have everything. Yeah. Never seen one like that before. She just pushed me to the side. She was like, all right,

thanks. Like, wow. She was like, this is a, I remember her being like, yeah, this is seven dances.

That's insane. And then she like humped me for like four seconds and was like, all right, have a good night. Wow. And I was like, damn dude. But see,

you could fight that. Was it in America? It was here. Yeah. See America, have a good night wow and i was like damn dude but see you could fight that was in america it was here yeah see america you could shit about it a little bit like call the credit card company dude i had one in mexico straight up cartel dude i didn't even listen i was just going to see what it's about okay let's be honest here yeah the girl's like i'll give you a massage you know and then she's telling me yeah i'll's like i'll give you a massage you know and then she's telling me yeah i'll hook up with you if you want for like a hundred bucks i'm in the back room for like 10 minutes like what the hell am i doing she's she didn't even come back there yet then she comes back in her little outfit i'm looking i'm doing a basement of some place in

mexico and this girl walks in and it wasn't the girl that i picked honestly and i'm just like something isn't right i was like look i just gotta go and they take your credit card before you go in like this is mexico type shit so they didn't want to give me back my credit card then they charged me like 250 dollars and the dude's like mexican cartel he's like hey man you came back here with my girl i don't know what you did man he's like this is the price or we could have a problem i'm just like yeah i don't want a problem no trust me you don't want a problem i'm like yeah i'm in mexico nobody knows where i'm at in some place and uh you know so i left and it was like a mother was there you know

there's girls making tortillas at a whorehouse they're like you know i'm like dude what am i doing mother's making homemade people are in there banging left and right and then you know i've been back since like three times but i just went down there i work on the cruises so i'm in mexico a lot and i swung by the comedy cruises yeah yeah i do comedy on cruises. So it'll take you to these weird parts of the country, or weird countries, like parts of Mexico that you're probably like, I don't know if we should be here. But it was one of those situations.

But yeah, dude, I went back actually the one time just for the hell of it. I told some people about it on the cruise. So we were all together. And they went and they met a girl there the night before. And then he's like, yeah, no, I know the place you're talking about. I met a girl there. And then he's waiting. They're like, yeah, five more and then you.

And this dude's like, well, I'm like, bro, you're really going to wait five guys to bang this girl? Like, dude, I couldn't. I'm like, bro, are you for real? He was a car salesman he's like yeah man she's the best she's good i'll wait i'm just like bro this dude's fucking they were all there a bunch of car salesmen banging hookers in mexico yeah and uh i just like uh i hate to say it man like i wish i could be like that. Because, dude, I remember going to strip clubs late at night.

And you'd walk in, dude, and I'm a Boss by Rick Ross would be playing. Yeah. And you'd just see titties and ass everywhere. And you'd be like, dude, this is going to be a movie. But by the end of the night, I'd be asking girls, am I better than these guys? Do you really care about me? Right. Just giving them hundreds of dollars.

Tell them what you got my thing was i used to always tell girls what i had you know i'd be like i got this it's like what you're packing or like like what i owned at home i'd tell girls like oh no you don't understand i got like i remember i remember one time i was telling about this uh this uh it's actually worth money they're called ct 70s they're little honda mopeds but they're worth like two thousand dollars and i remember telling this girl like yeah it's a ct70 i'm showing her pictures of a moped i should have just said yeah i got some dope that'd be cool if you just whipped out like a pokemon collection oh dude but see then she might not even know what

she's sitting on there yeah like an ancient view or something she might want the hundred bucks not going she i got a fucking one million dollar card right here yeah you know what do you know about that bitch charizard dude charizard that's what i was thinking of i don't know much about it but i'll tell you what i got a bunch of counterfeit hunters somebody got me for my birthday really they're like dude you could use these in your sketches part of me wants to take them bitches to a strip club dude they look real i think that's a felony man yeah you probably catch a felony there you gotta go to those strip clubs where they're not gonna call the police yeah there was one we had a dude in my look where i'm from who printed uh fake money what'd he do fives twenties fives you

can get away with no he was printing he was printing big, big bucks. But he was a philanthropist, so he got he had some heavy, like, duty lawyers. Wow. He was printing, like, a good amount of fake money, though. Yeah. I don't know how you get away with that, but. I seen the fives, dude. Them fives were crazy. I worked at a bar

when the fives were going around. They got everybody, dude. Them fives, they looked real. Felt real. Everything. I think a lot about stuff i used to have that i could have sold for a lot of money man yeah like what cars or something dude i used to have a pokemon card uh it was called an ancient mew oh really and there was only one asian kid in my whole elementary school his name was albert and i remember uh just walking up to him like at recess and i was like dude like what is this card and he was like dude there's like four of those in the world yeah i was like is it real man he was like that's real and i threw it away wow yeah yeah dude look at all

the shit look at those two dollar bills now they're coming up are worth money i used to have a ton of two dollar bills you know now they're coming out if you got a certain two dollar bill there's a popular amount of them they're worth like a thousand dollars i don't know it's something about the date or the way the number is yeah i see it on tiktok all the time even like golf clubs and shit i used to have a pair of like wooden golf clubs yeah you know yeah dude imagine if you had those now. Your life would be different. You'd be getting your dick sucked all the time. I'd be getting so much pussy, dude.

Just show girls the golf clubs. You see that? My fucking freewood, dude. Yeah, I want you to feel it. Just swing it in the kitchen. Yeah, dude, I never, I'd always sold shit quick. I was so dumb with stuff. I thought I was a hustler.

I would go buy shit and sell it. I would buy shit on like a bank card. When I was 16, I had my first bank card where you put money on it. And I remember being like, yeah, but I sold it for cash. Like I'd buy this shit for like $30 and sell it for 10. Damn. And just be dumb. In Ohio, did they have any like any stores, like bargain outlets or anything like that?

Yeah, we had a big lots. Yeah. Yeah. or dumpster diving dude my friends used to go dumpster dive and get a 40 foot hose try to sell that dude damn you sell a 40 foot hose quick i remember he'd get those we'd be fighting over them hoses and he would dude he'd have that fucking he'd be like that's 40 feet measure it because you know it's out of the package and stuff dude we got so good at we started stealing other people's hoses okay and then we'd end up you know hit them back try to sell it go to car washes and sell them hoses but we'd wake up before school we'd get all excited we used to drive around and steal hoses we stole about a hundred hoses once people's hoses from their house and we just unscrew them and sell them fuck you made a profit people would buy them i mean we got

them for free people would buy them yeah and we just tell them yeah that's a special hose that's pressurized i remember we made some money for hundreds selling them hoses take a girl out yeah and we'd be bragging about i sold nine hoses that's sick you know i'm jealous man i remember trying to like mow people's lawns yeah when i was in high i didn't even have a car dude i had my mom drop me off at these see my mom would drop me off at like in neighborhoods and i would just knock on the door and be like hey do you need your your lawn mowed now did you have a lawnmower with you no wow that's deep so they would be like what uh do you have like uh equipment no i mean right now i actually start pulling it out with my hands i was so dumb i'd be like yeah

my mom is gonna drop me off with the the push mower and I'll take care of it dude and I didn't even get one person not even one inquiry man yeah now I'm sure I remember I used to walk around the neighborhood too same way I get real ghetto there was a dude I knew and he was cutting grass a lot but it was more in a bad neighborhood and he would be like yo try and get your lawn cut and he'd be like real straight about it now cut all this shit and i remember and then i went to my dad's wife's neighborhood real nice higher class and i'm going for a walk with them and they got the dog and i'm meeting all their neighbors around and dude i was like yeah i did it dude i'm just yelling just like my father was so

embarrassed i'm like i'm hustling bro all his neighbors i'm like i'll cut all this shit damn there's nothing better than cutting grass though man oh you ever been on a ride on some pills you ever been on a ride on like a john deere dude yeah i had one as a toy when i was a kid actually it didn't cut any grass it was an old school one they took the blade off but i used to just ride around the neighborhood dude straight up oh it had an engine yeah people be like oh that's that kid from the learning disability class they'd come by i'd be just driving around on a lawnmower i was the real water boy it did about 10 i think 10 miles an hour It had rabbit gear and turtle gear. Oh, so you were gassing it up.

Yeah. Dude, I worked for, I did landscaping for a summer with no experience. That job sucks. No experience. Yeah. They put me on a ride-on lawnmower, and this dude was like, yeah, go cut that grass over in the corner. Dude, I put in my headphones.

I'm listening to fucking rocky like a hurricane yeah i'm gassing it up dude i'm going full speed and i'm blowing the grass on all of the secretary's cars oh shit i don't even notice dude i did like three laps and i just i soaked their cars like completely a few of them had white cars, completely stained with, like, feet of grass, dude. And they fucking freaked out. Oh, yeah. They wanted us fired. And my boss was like, they get paid $6 an hour.

Wow. We weren't even making money, dude. Yeah, they don't pay shit. I had a job in a landscaping company. Somebody got me in. It was called Second Nature. And they didn't want to pay me right either i'm busting my ass like i think it was the same thing i think it was like

750 an hour on paper so it's like you're walking home five dollars an hour and they didn't count loading up the truck it started when you start the job we used to have to go it take us an hour we have to go to the shop load up the truck drive to the, it'd take us an hour. We'd have to go to the shop, load up the truck, drive to the job. It'd be, you know, and then we'd have to unload the truck. They ain't get paid for none of that. That's a whole extra four hours of work. It'd be like, you know, making 60 bucks a day. I only had it for a couple of weeks.

I told the guy, I was like, guys, I was like, listen, I don't need to be doing this. My cousins build houses. You know, I'm all lying to him. Like I could do more serious stuff. I want to make more. So he gives me the address. He goes, well, these people need their patio busted out. And I went and did it.

And I leave. And dude, he calls me freaking out. Wrong address. I just busted out somebody's fucking driveway. Like a nice new driveway, too. Dude, busted it out with a sledgehammer. The kids were home. They kept coming out.

They're like, yeah, I called my dad at work. He said, you got to leave. You're not supposed to be here. I'm like, well, I'm supposed to be here. I kept telling him the address. I'm like, it's 867. He's like, no, it's not. Dude, finally I get about four feet left of the driveway and I look.

It's like 8 76 or some crazy like the numbers are mixed up and i just left dude straight left quit the job and everything yep seeing the dude at my church i had to leave church i said fuck we go to the same church i had to quit going to the church over this shit oh you can always tell him the tone of somebody's voice he goes dominic like you know and i don't know who he is i don't like the tone he's taking you never got in trouble no i just let it go i wish i got in trouble more man i never uh people would just see me and just be like leave him alone yeah something's off with. I'm good at acting a little off.

It always helps you in life. Sometimes I remember I started a job and I knew I wasn't going to be there long. It was washing cars. And I would just be like, yeah. I'd always be messing around like that. I'd be like, me and my girlfriend, we get along good. She's messing around with the plumber. And I'm like, I'm going to quit this job in a couple months anyway i haven't worked in there for two years though but dude sometimes

i go out of character i just be all normal they'd be like well you sound good and i'd be like you don't have to clear my throat yeah come on now yeah i believe in your guilt i'd be talking to people like that for real look at me look at my face you gotta believe in your gel. I'd be talking to people like that for real. Look at me. Look at my face. I believe in your gel. Yeah. That would make me so sad, though, man, when people, because I would see other people getting in trouble and I'd be like, why am I not getting in trouble? Right. Why is no one telling me off?

Yeah. One time, dude, I was at a birthday party and my buddy, like this dude, he was kind of a bully. And he took like a football and he was like, yo, go run a route. I ran like as fast as i could man full i'm running full speed dude and i look back to catch the ball and i ran through the fence like i broke the entire fence oh man and this whole dude this dude's entire family saw it wow and i remember getting up and dude my pants my fucking pants fell down dude oh they got caught like my dick was out my balls were out wow and i remember looking at his whole family and his dad looked into my eyes and he didn't say anything like there was no he knew what it was there was no dialogue

or anything and like i remember like asking the kid to hang out like a few days later and he was like oh i'm grounded and i was like why and he was like dude you fucking broke my fence wow and i was like yeah but dude that was me like that wasn't you know yeah that's just me being me what's the problem yeah yeah no i've been lucky with getting in trouble and stuff you know i've had jobs where they let shit go telemarketing job i remember me and my buddy worked there and we hated it bro and we got up left and stole their grill and we were like fuck you we're flipping them off as we're leaving and then um we realized they can't even mail us our check we never gave them the real address to our house so we're broke dude after a couple weeks we got to go back and pick up our check it's been about two weeks and we show up there so we're broke dude after a couple weeks we got to go back and pick up our check it's been about two weeks and we show up there after we're fuck you and all that we took their

grill and everything and we were like you know what let's just start working me and my buddy we were 18 so we just sit down and start working and the boss comes over he goes hey uh hey buds what the hell's going on we're like oh we um we're like yeah no sorry we we had to go out of town last minute he's like no you stole the grill you said f you you were real vulgar and he goes we'll let it slide but you can't be doing that stuff i'm like yo they just let us keep working again we stole all the snacks left again shit dude looking back there's things that i've done at jobs where i'm like man i could have been arrested i was working with this guy one time we're doing some house stuff and they were renting it out and he came back and stole

the windows that people were calling me the whole time he's like these are new this is double pane yeah he goes look at these windows this is double pane glass and he's really checking them out and i'm like all right you know so we paint the everything white it's a rental property and i leave and the dude calls me he sends me a picture this dude came back and stole the windows out of the house really yep holy shit got away with it too like 26 windows yeah no one's no one's stealing anymore man go right on amazon it was a weird time well people are stealing like information now but nobody's i remember getting my bike stolen a bunch flat screen tvs yeah dude now they're 100 bucks people throw them away imagine if you were doing 10 years in prison for breaking and entering for a tv

and then you do your 10 years, everybody's banging you in prison, you know how it goes. And you get out after 10 years of guys just taking turns on your ass. And you get out of prison and you see these TVs are 100 bucks now. Yeah. It's like, wow.

You're telling people at Chili's how you served 10 years for stealing a Panasonic, dude. Getting banged in the ass. The full 10. It's not like that Shawshank Redemption bullshit. They fuck you a couple times and leave you be. Yeah, the inches don't add up. It's like, dude, the reality

is you stole the TV, now you're getting turned out. Yeah, you got 10 inches for stealing. I knew people got turned out in prison. Real good friend of mine. You got boys in prison prison i got a friend in there my buddy frankie you ever visit him he got turned out for cupcakes dude that's the diet plan to where it's like anytime i get weak you know i try to lose a couple pounds or whatever i think like you know i i give in to the temptation of a couple cupcakes, but, dude, in prison, all the food's terrible.

My buddy's real fat. And if nobody gives you money when you're in prison, you can't get good-tasting food. All that shit's common sense. Like, the Pop-Tarts, the cupcakes, that costs you money. Or you could give the booty up. And he did, man. My buddy Frankie told me.

He's like, yup. He's like, I let him turn me. And he did, man. My buddy Frankie told me. He's like, yup. He's like, I'd let him turn me out for them snacks, man. Be real with you. Wait, he let him, like, get, he got banged for cupcakes? Yeah. Wow. I mean, that makes sense. Yeah, Pop-Tarts, all that.

How much time does he have to do? He got a 10-year sentence. He's in there. I got a few friends in there. I know these two twin brothers. They're doing 20 years because they gave somebody a ride. give this dude a ride they were like yeah they want they were getting into little wayne they want to start selling weed this is like 2014 and they go yeah they tell this guy i want to buy a qp so he goes all right give me a ride i'll get you a qp so they

don't know and this is in the winter time the dude kills the guy steals his weed sells them the qp so they don't know and this is in the winter time the dude kills the guy steals his weed sells them the qp boom it's a done deal they go home they wake up they're on the news wanted for murder somebody got the license plate number judge gave all three of them 20 years just boom boom boom they all got the same sentence yeah i can't even imagine going to jail for like uh still people in jail for a marijuana position dude trying to get a qp of weed and go down for murder first off it's like i don't know what would have been different so when they seen it on the news they both ran they tried to hide i know that didn't help them. Dude, I'm ratting on anybody if it comes to murder. I'm going to be like, look, I tried to get a QP.

He shot him. I'm not in on this shit. Yeah, you're making shit up. He was on that. I ain't no fucking snitch. He put on his Facebook, guys, you ain't going to hear from me because I ain't a snitch. I'm just like, bro, you're just fucking stupid. 20 years, bro.

I mean, dude, if i knew i was doing a long sentence i would for sure be going all in though with hand jobs and like all that stuff they say all the bullshit actually happens in the county when you're in prison it's more structured but when you're in the county that's where you have a better chance of getting in fights or yeah some weird shit like that my thing is dude i if dude, I ain't serving no damn time. You know that comic that's on the run? Did you hear anything about that? No.

I wonder what he... He's on the run right now. He capped somebody. Shot someone? Yeah, he shot someone on the N train, and they were talking like they want to make a terrorist attack. He shot someone on the N train? Yeah.

I take the N train like every day dude yeah dude on a street he capped him and then they went to um the dude they watched the tapes all the video over by new york nyu yeah over by nyu yeah yeah yeah yeah so they what do you call they watch video footage of him getting on the train with a girl and him getting off the train at another stop they got that facial recognition now yeah so it was able to find out where he was getting off the train with that same girl so they looked up the girl found our instagram seen homie all on the instagram they went to her work they said hey what's his name because he deleted all his social media they go because if

we don't give him his name we're putting you down you're taking the fall for shooting somebody we've seen you're with him the more the longer i'm here the more i think like it would be nice to have some sort of self-defense besides like pulling my pants down you know right or like a gun but i'm not trying to walk around with a pistol dude well then you're only set up for the criminal i say the best self-defense in this city is always just the act crazy nobody knows you know like you're just walking down the street talking to yourself or something i get real nuts i'll talk nuts if i'm in a bad neighborhood you know people leave you alone yeah i mean you and i look like

we just like escaped a cave dude you could get a little nuts with it yeah you know i'm gonna bite it off just memorize like one verse in latin dude oh dude you start doing that shit i'm sorry boss yeah with your dick out yeah but then sometimes that doesn't work one time i was acting nuts dude dick was in the pants but i'm acting crazy i'm you know i'm in the bronx yeah yeah i was a little scared i'm in the bronx and i just started acting nuts i'm like this works dude it always leaves me alone dude just punched me right in the face instantly oh that's gonna be the worst one time got me real hard he's like act right man and i just you know i just kept myself quiet and just walked away just had to take that l sometimes you just gotta take the l it was like four or five of them he got me right in the

forehead told my girlfriend i hit my head on something you know you don't want to come home and i was like yeah i bent down hit my damn head on some steps she's like well how'd you do that i'm like look why don't we talk about something else yeah you can't tell what really happened dude oh do you tell i got my ass beat you still want to fuck me got my ass beat by a child you ever have a kid beat you up i had a a group of kids threw skittles at me uh when i first moved here dude yeah fucked me up real bad man yeah dude i had a kid curtis man on africa's young kid and dude he just went nuts whipped my fucking ass i didn't see none of the punches come in nothing 14 years old

just went crazy yeah i got a couple good hits in on him though this kid uh he took a thing of skittles and he was like yo taste the rainbow bitch oh wow whipped him at me dude and then uh he kept doing it as i was walking away and i was like dude i could hear him yeah i just pretend i had headphones in but they were with like uh they might have been like 13 or 14 and i was like dude you should turn around and just start throwing haymakers right and then i was like dude i would go i would go to jail for a long time um yeah they were like 14 dude i could well it depends if the kid's attacking you like i said this kid was going hard yeah i mean i can't like start throwing haymakers land a few punches and then tell the cops like that kid threw skittles at me yeah be like his head's real soft i was like listen he told me a taste of rainbow i had to fucking do something

i had a woman full-on fight me one time she was trying to stab me with a letter opener we were at the w nice ass hotel in time square and uh i just did a show i walk outside the show's over everybody's outside from the show, and this dude that's with the girl, he's her boss. It's like this work thing. He was trying to shag her. She wasn't having it. He's like this old guy, and he goes,

hey, you know where we could score any dope? And it just so happens that a ticket seller for the club is outside. He goes, yo, Dom, man, tell him him i got him i just know this dude's a criminal that's all i i know about this ticket seller he's a pickpocketer all this stuff so uh you know he the guy's like do you trust him what am i gonna do the guy i see every day that's out here robbing people am i gonna say oh no don't trust him especially since i'm gonna see him all the time i'm like yeah trust him he's my guy so he goes yeah let me go to mcdonald's i'll go get you some coke he's like all i got is 300 eight balls this dude's like 300 damn he's like

yeah but it's fire stuff he goes to mcdonald's comes out gives it to him walks away the girl's flirting with me she's like you should come back to my hotel. We go to the hotel. This dude busts in the room in tighty-whities, pissed off. He's like, this shit is fake. It's table salt. She's like, it can't be that bad. He's like, it's salt.

He pours it out on the table. She tries it. She's like, oh, no, no this is like it's actually table salt the dude went mcdonald's got table salt put it in a bag gave it to him 300 boom boom boom so she snaps she comes at me with a letter opener dude i'm half dressed we're fighting in the hallway and this is a powerful girl used to ride horses like she's got big forearms and she's like putting that forearm strength on me dude with the grip and dude i you know i'm fighting her with everything i sad to say i gave this girl everything i had and i still wasn't strong enough like dude i fought

her so hard i fought this woman so hard my legs were shaken because they were completely out of energy because i gave her everything like i'm fighting five rounds for my life. Like, I felt like I'm battling a fucking lion. Were you a little chubbed up? We're in the hallway. No, dude, I was feared for my life. She had the letter opener. She got me a couple times, stabbed me, dude.

I'm bleeding. Holy shit. I'm like, this is for real, dude. You know? You felt like you were going to die? I took her pinky and her thumb and started bending it back to here to let go of me. And then I run down the steps. She's like, he stole my Coke.

There's cops everywhere. She's yelling, he stole my Coke. They were there for a different incident. Dude, I'm running, holding my clothes. I run out. I'm in Times Square getting dressed. I called the dude up. I'm like, bro, what the fuck?

You ripped him off. And he's like, yeah, man, good luck. Thanks for letting me get that lick. I'm like, bro, I was just with him what the fuck you ripped him off and he's like yeah man good look thanks for letting me get that lick i'm like bro i was just with him they said you ripped i was like bro that ain't cool he's like i thought you knew i was ripping them off he's like bro i told you i ripped people off all day i'm like all right and the dude ended up picking my wallet too got my fucking wallet i got him with that that hustle dude got my wallet yep i couldn't believe it i'm like bro never seen the dude again then why'd you vouch for him dude

i mean i felt like i'm gonna see him on the streets a lot i was like i can't say no this dude's a piece of shit drug dealer and lying thief right in front of him he knows where i work you know oh damn i and honestly i thought i'd give them some blow like what do you got to lose that's what i never understood about people that sell drugs just come with some decent drugs and you'll never have a problem these people always have a problem it's like you know because they're trying to sell you baby laxative you're just trying to be a nice guy dude trying to be a nice guy, dude. Trying to be a nice guy, get this girl some illegal substances to get hooked on. Just being a gentleman.

Yeah. You know? Fuck, man. These guys used to put baby powder and crush up Corona bottles and sell it in Times Square to people. Bricks in laptop boxes. Everything you could think of, man. Yeah, now people are just getting, uh,

people are just dying. Yup. Yeah. Well, dude, um, that's a nice, nice high note.

I'm like, dude, people are dying. Yup. That's what life is in a nutshell now. Well, no, dude,

it was, uh, it was good to meet you, man. Yeah. You too, bro. You're hilarious,

man. Thank you, man. Dude. Thanks for having me on me on yeah like your setup man i'll come back and do it if the view the viewers like it we'll come back yeah man dude thank you for coming dude and uh if you do have anything you want to plug you got any shows or uh not shows but yeah check me out actually you know it's funny your name i don't know if you caught this i have a podcast called dry salami podcast did you know that no i didn't yeah it's called dry salami podcast it's me and dan haromi so it's like i'm italian that's where the salami comes in dan's more of a drier character so it's dry salami boom boom you know we we do it weekly and the instagram follow me on instagram dominic leonelli yeah i'll put your stuff in the description, dude, but appreciate you for coming,

man. You have any shows coming up or anything? I do, but they're already... I'm not getting a door deal, so I almost don't even want to promote them. I know I'm getting stingy with it. I got a string of shows coming up in Charlotte. I got Tampa. I got the Bahamas. I'm at the

Atlantis, but it's not like um i get no benefit for promoting it so yeah you know but i am gonna start if we got fans in new york i'm starting to run an hour monthly in new york so you know follow me on Instagram so you can see details on that. Working that. Oh, shit. Working that hour out. All right. Well, dude, thank you. I appreciate it, man.

Thank you, man.