The Johnny Salami Podcast - Drew Dunn

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Drew Dunn by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Oh bro I'm hurting. I mean, dude, you're a skilled professional, so it should be pretty straightforward. Yeah. Comedy, podcast. Dude, I got the salsa water today, too, after Lev's. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I couldn't find the bubbly ones, but. Yeah, the La Croix's are nice. I'm a polar salsa guy myself. Oh, really? Because they're a little extra, what the kids call spicy, a little extra bubble per liquid content. If you're looking for the most bubble for your buck, you're going, what's it called? The fancy one.

Topo Chico. Is that pricey, though? Oh, the glass bottles. Fucking high level. Breaking the bank for seltzer. High level shit, dude. Yeah, I go through a couple 12-packs a week and they sell some water. It adds up.

It kind of feels like you're drinking beer, too. It is like a treat. That's why I like it.'s for me it's great like you get home for a show and you want to like eat a fucking buffet or you have a few beers like having a couple of those you're like all right i didn't have nothing i didn't i didn't just live you know it's like non-alcoholic beer dude yeah exactly it's non-alcoholic seltzers oh man i'm sometimes i'll go out to like a bar and just have like a what is it called? A Heineken Zero. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Just to hang out, just to be in the environment.

I'm feeling fucking dangerous out there, man. The non-alcoholic beers have really taken off. It feels like it's just like everybody's got them now. I used to be just O'Doul's and then now fucking Heineken's got one. Budweiser's got one. Dude, I remember that dude from Rhode Island, Johnny Prada. Oh, yeah. He would always have the non-alcoholic beer. And I was like, what a pussy, dude. And now I'm drinking it.

This guy's got it. You can hang out, but you don't get to hang out. Yeah, he would always bring that up. He'd be like, fucking 30 years. I'm drinking O'Doul's. I've been sober for 30 years. That brought me right back to the fucking bowling alley dude oh yeah what was the name of that those were the days uh fucking pub on park the pub on park yeah yeah i

think that was the first time we ever met i think so dude yeah i think i was like 12 2015 yeah i was like 21 that was the worst man oh dude but that shit i mean doing those shows it felt like i was doing something because i was living in new hampshire i was on the road doing comedy i got a show in rhode island tonight you drove all the way from new hampshire bring as many people but you can come we gotta to paint a picture the pub on park is in cranston rhode island like the shittiest part and if you don't know Cranston, it's the only place they still say broad all the time. Look at this broad. It's the only place I still hear broad just like talking to a female respectfully.

Yeah, Cranston is like, I don't even know, man. A lot of Guidos out there, dude. A lot of Guidos, yeah. I don't know if there's more Guidos in Krantz in Rhode Island or Johnston, dude. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Rhode Island's a real special place. But yeah, the Pub on Park was, I can't remember if it was a part of it or just attached to

the bowling alley next door. I mean, you would walk in and there would never be anyone there. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be like, is this place out of business, dude? Like, there was never anyone there but it was like the bar and then the back it was connected to a bowling alley oh yeah yeah and i would i would always go in the back to the bowling alley just to be like just to get away that's how bad it was

i was like i'm gonna go to the bowling alley to get away oh dude just to not sit in the silence of bombing stand-up comedy or just nobody around yeah dude that show was uh i mean i would drive 90 minutes one way to do that show on a tuesday night while i had a day job he pay you at all you get paid no he would make it so because sometimes it would be bringers there and other times it wouldn't be i would never have to bring people there he was always nice about that um but yeah no i don't think i think i started getting paid like once I I came in second place in the pub on park comedy competition well I think that's when we met I think we met at a contest that had literally at least 100 contestants yeah it was 100 contestants

and some dude brought his whole football team with him I think that was me and they did applause by sound did you win I think I tied with some like 45 that's right all i remember was some dude brought half the crown and they did it by applause like it was like oh yeah that was that was me dude it was i think i had like three maybe three minutes of material that's right yeah yeah that's so fucking funny yeah it wasn't uh i had to have been like 18 or 19 it's probably like three weeks in i was just like yeah if you guys don't mind just come into this everybody come and make a bunch of noise yeah just rattling the tables i wasn't even friends with like half the people i was just like

on the team with them i was like if you guys want to see me like talk about dicks for like two and a half minutes like yeah i remember like a few like at least 15 dudes bailing because there were so many people. They were like, they're all going to get the fuck out of here. They were turning people away at the door that night. It was like standard room only, I remember. It was fucking packed. I look back at that and I'm just like, damn, dude, what were you?

Dude, you think about how desperate you were for stage time when you first started doing comedy. That you were willing to like, now to get those people to come to a show where they can pay for a ticket and you can actually see some of that money is like no way that feels weird to even reach out but for like hey do you want to come see me and some of the worst comedians who have ever tried it for three hours it's a three-hour show do at least yeah with there's not good food the bartenders are slow yeah would you please come support me and then you'd you'd ask that like every week and you i used to post about it on be like hey i did this show and you were just so excited to be booked or something back then and now it's like to think about doing doing that all over again it's so like oh my god imagine if you

just got teleported back to your first year in stand-up you're back at the pub on park on a sunday uh yeah i don't know if i could do it again i think about it a lot and i'm just like i'm like embarrassed but i'm also like i feel like i kind of had to experience that yeah yeah no for sure and i mean that's the good thing about comedy is i think when you do it right it's it's always kind of like a rags to riches story it's always like an underdog look where we started we did this shitty thing and now we're making it kind of thing yeah you can't just go right to the top and some people do like some people are friends with celebrities that become comedians or vice versa like they just get famous uh and it doesn't always seem to last for guys like that yeah i think the biggest thing is like uh back then dude the amount of confidence i had

was at least 20 times what i have now oh yeah it's crazy it is weird when you're like 18 19 dude that confidence is insane yeah the ignorance of like i'll just i'm gonna write a movie that's what i'm gonna do this weekend i'm gonna write a movie with my boys it's like what are you talking about why would you spend your time well do the biggest confidence at that age too biggest confidence is like dude i'm not even gonna pull out 18 dude you're like fuck it fuck it dude leave it in you're like i'm officially an adult dude i don't think i had don't pull out confidence because i'm one of seven kids i i saw the concept i was raised by the consequences of not pulling

out oh really you're just like i'm wearing oh i was like yeah i mean we my i started dating my wife in like senior year of high school so like we had we had like one or two little scares when we were younger but for the most part it was like we're playing it like birth control and we're pulling out like we're double i'm not playing around apparently my sperm and my family sperm is very strong enough to create a fucking garrison of troops uh for the future war yeah i think i think that's uh i was not i didn't want to have kids at any point before that especially i spent most of my life babysitting so i wanted some like time off before i started fucking watching kids again oh that'd be so funny if you just didn't pull out first time i did first time i didn't pull

out it was like a panic shot you know what i mean you're like oh you're like i can hold it in and it flies out of you and you're like oh fuck it's too late and we were we were 17 at the time both of us and uh i went to call my friend to buy us plan b i remember i was like hey dylan yeah can you go to walgreens the 24 hours oh because you were you were 17 we were both 17 yeah so we couldn't buy plan b we were oh they want 17-olds getting knocked up in America. I remember that, dude. I remember having to reach out to people who were older than me. Be like, dude, can you do me a favor, man?

Yeah, no, I don't want cigarettes. I don't want alcohol. I need you to go to the pharmacy. Did you give them something in return? I gave them money for the thing, obviously. And I think I gave them like an extra $10. I want to say, if I'm right plan b was like 50 bucks back then I gave him like 60 bucks because that was all I had at the age of 17 that was a week's work I feel like everyone just didn't pull out the first time

oh yeah oh dude I faked an injury oh for real dude I blew a load in this chick and I was like fuck yeah I was like my knee and she was like oh my god are chick, and I was like, fuck. I was like, my knee. And she was like, oh, my God, are you okay? And I was like, yeah. It just buckled up on me. I just literally unloaded on this chick. There was no point in time where I was like, all right, I'm going to pull out now. I just fell in love with the process.

I was like, dude. Fell in love with the process. Faking an injury to me is hilarious. Yeah, there's no coming back like, dude. Fell in love with the process. Faking an injury. Yeah, there's no coming back now, man. But she actually, I think she fell for it. She was like, wow. Like, John does have knee problems. Like, maybe, you know.

He fucking tore his meniscus, and I'm also full of cum. Like, you don't think when you're 18 that, like, you're leaving behind. You're like, she'll just eat that shit. It'll all get eaten up it'll just vanish into the it'll evaporate yeah dude no shot yeah that's so crazy though dude to think that 17 18 you're just cream pie and tricks oh just casually just just not even thinking about it i remember dude i remember uh dude this chick was so dumb she was like i was like i was like are you on birth control and she was like yeah yeah we're good and i was like oh like how long have you been on it she was like a day like we're fucked yeah that's not how it works i'm definitely coming in you but that's not how it

works but we both kind of agreed man like if she was pregnant we'll just you know drive into the middle woods somewhere just let her run away you had that discussion while you were finishing in her yeah we weren't gonna yeah we would i would never kill a child but i would drive it into the woods you would just leave it alone yeah i drive it off into the abyss and let it survive dude that is how you make a villain that's's how you make an arch-villain. You'll be 60 and not even be thinking about that kid anymore. I know we've come up with some good movie ideas, man. That would be a sick movie.

Dude, a child that survives that. It starts off with Rainy Night. It's just on the road. And just a baby carriage gets dropped off. Car speeds off. Dude. And then that kid gets raised by the world just the forest and passerbys oh it's one of those transitions where it's like it's like 10 years

later yeah you just got like a full chin strap you've been like doing pull-ups on fucking like trees and shit yeah the dad's at the bar just having another beer like he does every night another casual night laughing at his friends. Then the door just kicks open. Everyone looks over at some weird dude wearing a Native American necklace. He's got feathers in his hair. He's wearing a legitimate dead squirrel on his head. He's got bones in his hand.

Yeah, the dad's talking about senior year of varsity football. Yeah. He's like, if it wasn't for, varsity football. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, if it wasn't for the knee injury, I could have really, I could have made it through to play big college ball, you know, anyway. But you want to back up a little bit? You're standing a little close to me. Father.

That's probably happening today, too, man. That's pretty accurate. Well, that's the funny part is no matter what crazy situation we come up with the theory i have is that no matter what you can come up with at least a thousand people somewhere on this planet are doing it or are into it or have have that experience like there's just so many people in the world that you're like there's no way somebody's sexually attracted to like geodes you're like no there's actually a facebook group for them yeah what is that what is a geode uh that's one of those rocks that opens and then

there's like crystals you know no it's not like a person oh like a superman type yeah like a fucking kryptonite they just get their rocks off the rocks holy shit yeah that's pretty common i feel like yeah that's what i mean i've mean. I've heard that on the streets. That's where the phrase get your rocks off comes from. Especially around here, dude. Oh, dude, yeah. In New York, you're going to find every flavor of weirdo. I saw a dude fishing on the road once.

On the road? He was just casting at cars. Dude, I was walking over here, and I love just hearing passerbys of people. You hear a little bit of their conversation or their thoughts. You can't tell if they're homeless or they're wearing headphones half the time. And all I heard was a guy walking by me go, yeah, I'll let you bite my ass. He was just walking? He was just walking by me.

I couldn't tell if he had earbuds in. I was like, is he just walking by saying what I could do for him? Is that like a confidence boost for him? He's like, I let you wipe my ass. You can suck my dick. Dude, that would have been funny if you started chasing after him. Come here. Let me see that thing.

You know I got fucking dude wipes on me right now. Well, dude, I think about that sometimes when people are yelling and stuff. And I'm like, it would feel good to just scream something dude oh yeah oh my god dude have you ever just done it in public just to see like no but i think about it so much the only time i've done it i was in montreal a couple years ago and i was it was like three or four a.m i was leaving a bar and i was walking like a mile back to my airbnb i was staying at and it's fucking homeless people everywhere dude like you know you just feel like like for me it's like a couple crackheads i can take on but like once there's more than five they probably they probably have the upper hand

you think you could take on five i think i think on three or less holy shit crackheads like what are you a fucking bionicle no like withered away crackheads i got long reach i feel like i can put a foot through the first one's chest they won't even know what happened yeah like you could break their back with a kick to the chest so you know what i mean you could be in like a porn house that's what i mean like three of them i think it would be close but i think i could take on three frail bare hands no bare hands yeah maybe if there's something around me a rock type shit yeah you just i think i'm just kicking. Dude, you hit that knee wrong.

It folds in on itself. I think I could take on three or less frail, not new Krakats. They've been Krakats for a while. Would you yell finish him? I would be in the moment on the third one. I'd have to think of something cool. That'd be fucking sick.

I'd be like, smoke this, motherfucker. You know, hit him with the final blow someone's videotaping the whole thing oh shit world star world star world star yo this white dude just kicked the shit out of three homeless people like that's not what it is that'd be crazy if you you were on crack you just didn't know i just got second hand crack smoke is that a thing if you stand too close to someone smoking crack, do you get a little fucking... You think you're taking on the world, man. Yeah, you just fucking...

I know you get paranoid. I just know that from watching Griselda, dude. Oh, yeah? I haven't watched that show yet. Oh, dude, she gets paranoid at her own party and just starts shooting up a car with a mini Uzi. Yeah, man. It's a good show. You should watch it.

Yeah, I should should i've actually heard good things about it i heard that the lady that casted the lady that's the lead of it was they were gonna cast that lady from modern family that spanish lady oh really and then she said i don't want her in my movie she's too ugly oh man dude honestly the whole show i was just thinking about her tits she's got cannons dude yeah but then they showed the actual picture of griselda and she looks like a retarded lesbian dude she looks terrible that's so funny i thought it was a man you know beauty was different in the 50s and 60s whenever she's got like a double chin and like pubes on her head bro it's crazy but it's not even close double chin

back then is a sign of wealth. Even now today I would bang her, but I was just imagining something better. If you're going to make a show about somebody, you can't cast somebody with perfect tits and have fucking lumpy ones. They've got to be more

inclusive, man. Start casting some gremlins. Yeah, we need ugly fucks. I need a career. They get you, though, man. The whole time you're just thinking about her tits and they kind of they like tease you a little bit dude oh wow you're like next episode that's when they're gonna they keep you attached man oh man but yeah i've thought dude i think i walk down this road all the time and i'll just be like upset and I'll just think about screaming something, but with like a straight face. Oh, yeah.

Dude, I think about screaming anal all the time. Oh, yeah. Just yelling. With a straight face. Anal! Yeah, no, that was the only time I did Montreal is I was just doing that to blend in with the homeless guys. Oh, really?

I was just walking back home like... Yeah, for like self-defense or you just wanted to... I just didn't want them to when you see you don't fuck with that guy yeah you don't help that guy you don't do anything you just leave that guy alone yeah and it worked nobody came close to me they'd fucking move away from intersections dude you ever think about carrying like a weapon of some sorts uh it's hard when i travel and like around the city i feel like it's illegal to have a fucking plastic knife in your pocket is it really let alone like a stun gun or anything i feel like dude you could whip out like a an ak-47 in front

of like nypd and they'd just be like all right man yeah but chill out dude i don't want to write that up a lot of paperwork involved in the ak fucking put it away dude yeah fucking chill bro go to yonkers with that shit and get the fuck out of my face. Yeah. No, I do. I do think I definitely think having a weapon around you in your life is good. I think people forget, like, how easily killed you are, you know, like how fucking vulnerable you are. And now, like, I think about this a lot. There's a bit I never got to work, but it's like we forget how close we and how like i think about this a lot it was a bit i never got

to work but it's like we forget how close we are being like savages like if someone came out tomorrow if they just if we went back to public executions again like like i'd go like we would go after watch after the first one you'd be like that's fucked up then after a month you'd be like this is it who's dying yeah that was like the movies for them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, yeah, I think you should. They got to bring that back. I think so. Yeah, some dude just like in his cubicle.

They're like, hey, Greg, like, it's your turn. Sacrifices that too. No, I don't think we should sacrifice random guys. I do think that it should be. If we're going to do like sacrifices like the Aztecs, like a volunteer list, I think that would be good. I think you'd get enough. You'd probably be overwhelmed. If you put up a volunteer suicide die for the sun god list, I think you'd be pretty surprised how many people would be like, fuck it.

Yeah, they'd be like, let's get it. I'm too much of a pussy to jump in front of a subway car, but I think about it every day. Fucking chop my head off for the moon. Even like a crucifixion? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, yeah. People would be like, I'm going to die like Jesus did.

You know, they want the holes in their arms and shit. But I'm thinking like criminals. Like, I think a certain threshold of crime, like, let's clear out the prisons. Let's just start hanging child molesters and we all get to watch and get popcorn. It's the new UFC. 100%, dude. I think we should start crucifying people who stop in front of exits. Oh, yeah, dude.

Anybody who stops moving their feet after they get off an escalator or a set of stairs. Or just the supermarket. Or just anywhere the doors open and you stop moving. Yeah. Yeah, everyone in the supermarket should just get supplies from the supermarket build a cross and just crucify him right there in the parking lot yeah we'll fucking crucify you on gallons of milk yeah no one pulls this shit dude yeah you know no i agree and yeah for petty for petty things is that's better because then those are things

you really get outraged about like anybody who approaches me about some sort of cause on the street and then yells at me, like, it's fine to be like, hey, will you sign up? And then I walk away, they go, oh, real busy, huh? Oh, yeah. You should be killed. We should be able to all turn on you and kill you in the street. Especially when all the money is just going to go to, like, some big corporation anyway. Yeah, they think they're a good person and all they're doing is feeding some dude who is on epstein's islands list oh yeah we used to have a we have uh there's a walmart they uh they made it illegal to um solicit

outside because this dude would like stand on the island and like he would pretend he's homeless and he would make a good amount of money dude and then he would always get picked up in his van every day they started to notice and they were like oh this guy's this guy's ripping people off yeah you know this guy's a genius but like and then they ended up putting up a sign that was like no no soliciting and it took like seven years dude that guy probably made so much money that's so crazy it was the perfect spot too dude you just had to make sure you looked homeless this guy just had like his dick and balls out like yeah and uh yeah man wow and a van would come pick him up was the van full of like other stations it was like a nice honda odyssey wow

we're talking like all-wheel drive captain seats oh dude top of the line bro not something you know yeah we're talking top of the line like yeah that would be sick man to have a honda odyssey that's like just 2023 decked out no one's talking shit to you man oh dude we i grew up in the in the back and middle of a minivan you know like that was my childhood so i mean we had we had a pretty decked out uh dodge uh caravan dodge grand grand Caravan, sorry, Grand. It had the first time ever it had headphones. It had four sets of headphones in the car so that each person could listen to a different radio station on your headphones. Holy shit.

So like your brother in the back could listen to fucking jamming 94.5 and mom and dad could be listening to Rock 101. Dude, what the fuck? Dude yeah it was high tech shit for like 2001 yeah or something like that uh yeah that's yeah and then we couldn't like i wouldn't be able to like have uh lunch money that week but we would have the headphones in the van that's all that matters my parents were so bad with money bro it's crazy thinking back on it it's like i mean dude seven kids like you need a minivan you can't even have yeah no we had we we had i mean for the most part of my childhood it was five kids it was five boys and then the other two came later there's like a 13 or 14 year gap or something like that um so yeah it was a full van it's five kids in the back

two in front and then when we drove when we moved back to new england like i was born in boston then we lived in seattle for a bit when we moved back we drove with a fucking van full of kids my parents in the front and a fucking cat who would not shut the fuck up for four days five days however long it took dude yeah i used to think my mom had a minivan and i used to think it was so cool and then i found out she bought it from like one of our family friends for like legit 400 it was the shittiest minivan i've ever seen in my life yeah but i thought it was like the coolest thing ever oh yeah i did yeah well a van compared to a car when you're a kid you're like this is sick look at all this space so much room for activity yeah yeah i used to

trash those guys who would like hang out in like supermarket parking lots but like as of recently man i've been thinking about peeling out you're thinking about being one of those guys i'm just thinking about peeling out once oh i see just to see what it feels like you know yeah yeah i don't think my car has the horsepower to peel out i think it would rev really high and then still go the same speed i intended your car just catches fire yeah it's just fucking start shooting smoke out the back you're like damn that guy's sick dude you're actually in reverse the whole time yeah that was a big culture in in my city in new hampshire was uh was dudes at the it was taco bell the taco bell parking lot meet up with their cars

have the door open and just like hang out and like be the car guy 7-eleven too those were the hispanic kids would hang out at the 7-eleven and then the white kids would be a taco bell man that seems like a small parking lot to peel out. Well, I mean, it would be like a car show. It would be like a white trash car show, and then as they would all leave, they would just peel out of the side. But the Taco Bell was attached to the supermarket in the back and then like a dog groomer and a fucking KFC or some shit.

Yeah, this is in New Hampshire, though, right? Yeah. Yeah, so you got enough room out there, dude. Yeah room up there oh man did you ever uh for me it was uh dave's marketplace did you have those in new hampshire no oh it's just like a supermarket man it's like a hot it's not a high it's an expensive supermarket okay which is wild to hang out there with the boys oh yeah they would always uh my one of my best friends would do it he's uh he had like a a nice car and they would all just meet up and like they would rev the engine oh yeah be like yo tony's at a fucking v6 holy shit so the same as fucking last week you fuck

i know i just got the new muffler and check Check it out. Damn, bro. That thing's sick. Yo, is that plasty dip on your rims? Dude, they would hang out for so long, too. Yeah. Like, I would go somewhere, drive by for, like, hours, and then I'd come back. They'd still be hanging out. Yeah, I think that was, like, for me, I had a group of friends that we had. We had a friend's house who the parents were cool, and we had a basement that was, like,

an unfinished basement that we would all just hang out in smoke drink play video games that kind of shit this was 2006 seven eight nine something like that you know like that era uh and i think anybody who didn't have like that in their group of friends ended up in a parking lot yeah hanging out and revving the engine there because they didn't have like a place to go that makes sense so you just end up so that was your hangout for the night you're like all right first we'll go to the burger king and then we'll meet over at dave's marketplace and that does make sense dude what if imagine if they were all just like closeted uh homosexuals oh yeah that'd be cool like late at night that's when they'd start giving hjs yeah yeah well i'm thinking too maybe that's the that's like the beginning of like the swingers cult that they'll all be a part of when they're like 50 they just they do the key swap there and they're

like who's going home with whose ride and that's how it starts like i'll drive your car tonight oh there's nothing better than like another dude hopping in your car oh yeah imagine getting a hand job like while you're revving the engine that's gotta be exciting oh my god dude just gassing it up to a hand job slower yeah but dude if i peeled out it wouldn't be like it wouldn't be uh normal no yeah how do you think you would do it i mean dude i'd be in my h How do you think you would do it? I mean, dude, I'd be in my Honda Accord. I think I would do it in like a Barnes and Noble parking lot, dude, just to really throw people off. Someplace they would shush.

Yeah. Just blast a song I'm really passionate about, dude. Yeah. Oh, dude. Imagine like, imagine peeling out to like heaven is a place on earth. Yeah, dude. That's a fucking. Yeah. That's a banger, dude. That's a b's a banger dude you gotta yell something random too yeah and i'm living it baby

dude i can't even i think i'm gonna do it i think you should dude i'd probably yell like uh like fuck the irs or something because people would be like oh like he's kind of right you know yeah they'd be like fucking that's a good message during tax during tax season yeah you're gonna get a big pop especially if there's like a liberty tax like 16 year old kid it's the statue of liberty like yeah right next to you i'm like yo withhold these nuts yeah do what song do you think you'd peel out to if you had to? If I had to peel out to any song? I mean, Freebird is the first one that comes to mind.

Like right as the solo kicks in, I think you just hit the engine and let it fly. That'd be a long freeway. You'd have to have a freeway in front of you. You'd have to have a freeway in front of you. You'd have to have one of those long single lane roads with a yellow stripe down the middle. Maybe a cactus. You'd have to be in the southwest somewhere to peel off. It's a free bird. You're like, this is it.

That's like stairway to heaven that'd be such a long oh yeah dude you'd have to like start the scene by like you getting in your car before you be like you brushing your teeth in the morning the night before you still have to sleep through the night so worth dude songs like that dude are so worth it to just wait. Oh, yeah. Like once the fucking chorus kicks in, you're like, holy shit. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I feel like there's very few songs made like that now. Everything's like instant gratification or like the fucking bass drop. Like we can feel it coming. It's fucking like 30 seconds bro it's a build up belt belt belt belt belt and then we oh dude that was so sorry i nutted we're done yeah like instead of like this symphony of like oh just fucking yeah sure this part's a little gay but like we're getting to the big part and then you're so right man yeah oh my god it's always like

some edm song where they're like yo dude just give it a chance bro yo beats about to hit it's about to hit and then it's like the worst dude it's like yeah dude oh it's the worst sound ever i don't even know what it sounds like dude you can't even make like an analogy no it's it sounds like a bunch of like spoons dropping it's like if robots had sex the way that cats fuck. Like loud, aggressive. I've never seen a cat fuck. You've never seen a cat fuck?

No. I've had the unfortunate. You have a cat? I used to fuck cats. Just have a small business where I would, it was like a sperm bank for cats and I would be the one coming. No, I used to have this whore of a cat. This cat was a whore from Rhode Island, actually, this cat.

This cat, my uncle, my estranged uncle, I'll say, his upstairs neighbor moved out, and they just left this cat there. So he was, like, crying about it. We took the cat in, and then we go like bring the cat into the vet to like you know get make sure it has all its shots and all that kind of shit and they're like oh the cat's pregnant great so i guess we're not gonna get it spayed we let the cat do its thing the cat the second the cat has the babies it starts attacking my family just everybody got attacked individually like because it was like so protective of the babies

that like my brother is a bigger dude would be just be walking down the hallway and he'd be making you know like a stompy walking because he's a bigger dude and then i all i see is him walking by and i just see the cat coming around the corner and just running after him he turns around the cat jumps falls on attaches to his face and starts like, he starts going like, ah, and the cat's just like on the backside of him. And then, yeah. So, but either way, the cat was a whore. She would, we, we then had, she had the babies.

We gave some away to friends. I think we kept a couple of them and then we bring the cat in, you know, after whatever the right amount of time was to try and get her spayed. And they're like, she's pregnant again. And that happened like three more times and and we didn't know what we heard we thought there was like a fisher cat in the neighborhood which is like a fucking vicious animal that sounds like a baby when it's like screaming and apparently that's what cats do when they fuck and one night we

we saw we like she was getting fucked on the front lawn like in this and did you just laying down going yeah the cats make wild sounds on their fucking it looks like they're fighting for a second and then everybody comes and they're cool how long was it was it like we caught i mean we caught the end of it i'm assuming but it was it was pretty speedy it wasn't like there was no music or candles or any sort of like serenading or it was like in out wow job done that's wild man yeah i had a few buddies who had cats and you just couldn't go near them dude yeah they were like dude do not go near that fucking thing and i'd be like why do you fucking have it dude my buddy kevin had a cat like that named gretty and gretty gretty and this was like this this basement dwelling cat he'd be

walking by and all of a sudden you just feel like a cat's just sitting there with the eyes like you fucking move wrong and i'm gonna kill you and you're like damn cool cool cool just don't dude i just don't i don't fuck with cats man oh no i don't i don't care for that after all the experiences i had of getting a tech like once you hear a cat do that like with that fucking guttural noise um i'm i lost all interest in them they shit in the house your cat your house will always smell like fucking cat litter they're neat to have for like an hour a day where you're like this is cool that's a nice little buddy here and then the rest of that it's a pain in the ass you should especially chicks dude chicks with cats huge red flag man yeah one cat sure more than two oh what

are you doing are you done three it's like you're out of control this needs to stop right now yeah you just went from like anal to like dick fucking ceremonies dude you know what i mean what's that called like a blow bang the blow okay what do they call it what do they call what yeah i don't know man it's just like they give me they give me like a weird vibe you know yeah no i agree i uh i won't do you think's just like they give me they give me like a weird vibe you know yeah no i agree i uh i won't do you think they're like the evolved from like the antichrist or something i think that there uh there are natural predators that we couldn't take one-on-one like a wolf you a wolf would take out people but in a pack like you can't same thing similar to

crackheads you could take on one wolf and maybe live but three four five of them you're it's gonna be tough for you you're probably gonna get eaten by wolves where like cats it was always one-on-one and you'd still fucking lose you'd always lose to like a bobcat or a fucking jaguar you're losing that fight 100 and the cats know that we made them small and that they can't take us one-on-one anymore but they still want to it's still their instinct to be like fuck that i'm gonna fucking yeah well dude i'm not i'm not a fucking historian or like a smart guy at all but uh pretty yeah so dogs evolved from wolves yeah and they used to protect us yeah they were like protectors but they would also i think what dogs came from like wolves have a very clear hierarchical thing in their packs where they have like the alpha and then everyone kind of does their job below that.

But then they would have these dogs that would get outcast from that society, essentially. So they would then find a way to survive by coming close to the humans, eating their scraps. And then that's how we kind of had their first dog. So these dogs were not loyal to their pack anymore. They became loyal to the human pack, essentially. So um so yeah you would get like the stray dog and then yeah cats i think were just bred down from like they'd find small cats and breed them down over generations essentially yeah like like how you have small dogs too yeah i just don't i don't think you can ever have a positive relationship with a cat that you can have like with a dog but

then again it's all personalities i think it's like people too like i think some animals are born dickheads and some are born nice the same way some people are and then you kind of get influenced by your environment which i think is true but i also think like some people are just born assholes and then they become nice or some people are born nice they become assholes and some people are born assholes and then they're bred to become even bigger assholes yeah what type of uh old guy do you think you're gonna be dude uh i i i like to think i'm the like the like you know i'm stealing little kids noses i'm doing like shitty shitty magic tricks and stuff like i'm pulling stuff behind people's ears it was in my hand the whole time they never

it's not even prepping for this like are you ready i haven't been putting in the work the way i should be at this point in my in my life i could go i could go any day like you could die yeah yeah i think anybody could yeah it's true uh he made it seem like you have like diabetes or something yeah i'm not gonna you know if i do that i'd like to not tell anybody and just disappear one day i think that's kind of fucking yeah that's the way you gotta do it man you can't yeah you know yeah i think like hanging around and also like if you get better it's kind of a it's almost a bummer yeah like you i've seen you've seen even a couple of famous people that are like they like come out that they have cancer and that it doesn't look good and then like you're like oh man i love this stuff and then like three years later they're better and they

come out with something you're like i don't really yeah i don't care enough about your stuff just to go out with like full-blown aids or something yeah yeah someone's like i had no idea totally like they never told me no one ever told you you had aids you just always thought you had a cold just that feeling too of like knowing people feel bad for you that's like the worst i hate that dude i would i would hate the texts and the voicemails and the like oh my god anything you achieve after that is like wow look what he did while he was this it's like you think you would use it to like your advantage well i mean you're a married man so it's if i was in that situation dude i'd be pulling like porno type stuff oh i think you could you know sure dude yeah like

10 days left to live type you can start wearing just a robe oh all the time just start showing up to like ikea's and shit do you think that's how hugh hefner started he was like he was like 26 and he was like i could die any day and they're like hugh and then all of a sudden he's 98 or whatever the fuck he died at like finally got a legend dude crazy i wonder what went on in the house i know that there were some really strict rules for certain things like there were some rooms that only females were allowed to go in. I know that there was like, you'd get different privileges based on your status as the girl and stuff like that.

I met this dude who used to run the playboy comedy show in Vegas for a long time. And he would, they would send like the playmate of the month to the show and they would do like a speech at the stop and then they'd like roast them for a little and then do like, the Playmate of the Month to the show, and they would do, like, a speech at the stop. And then they'd, like, roast them for a little and then do, like, a comedy show kind of thing. So he gave me some insight into, like, the inner workings of the Playboy Mansion. Like, the guy, he knew Hugh personally.

Like, pretty wild existence, dude. That whole era of, like, porn is pretty insane. That people would be like, ugh, the idea of going to a porn website is so neanderthalic but this like produced photo in a print magazine is like prestige oh that was the full bush era though dude so it was like you know yeah when do you think the first shaved pussy was put in print probably when they discovered like crabs and stuff i wonder what their like health classes were like they were just like yeah just let it hang yeah they're like fucking dudes love it that was their main point they didn't even have like they didn't have power points

yeah the teacher just pulled their pants down she was like like, this is hygienic. You see how it adds volume to the front of your pants? That's what you want. You want volume to the front. You want a full bush and to not pay your taxes and you will be a married woman. Yeah. That's crazy. That's what like a lot of young girls in that era were just programmed to just be a wife or just be like desirable and so that they could find a dude and just raise his terrible shit i mean dude honestly

man there's something comforting about a full bush i if it's if it's well kept it i definitely like it changes the dynamic of like a netflix and chill type night you know like you're putting your head on her lap all of a sudden you know yeah change the dynamic yeah it changes the power dynamic anything deviant like that dude get you going though man you know oh yeah well i think there is something hot about anybody doing just doing something down there like oh they're showing interest in that you know they're shaping it up there oh yeah giving it a nice orb look or something. It's got to be so hard to just even make it presentable, though, dude. It's like buying a roast beef sandwich and letting it sit for, like, five weeks and then just, like, trying to sell it to, like, someone random. Yeah, just some random dude who's like, I wanted a sandwich tonight.

I didn't get to pick the flavor, but here we are. Yeah. It's like, listen, I didn't get what I wanted tonight sandwich tonight. I didn't get to pick the flavor, but here we are. It's like, listen, I didn't get what I wanted tonight, but. Yeah, but if everyone you are looking at in that era is like that, I don't think you have that same thing where you're like, oh, this is weird. You're like, that's a pussy. That's what they look like. Yeah. I bet you a bunch of dudes of that era, like they got laid a lot in like the 70s

and then didn't get laid for the rest of their lives, never actually knew what a vagina looked like until internet porn. What do you think happened, though, when someone saw the first shaved vajayjay? I think a lot of people were probably against it at first because they were probably like, oh, that's like a little kid. You're a pedophile. I'm not going to shave my pussy for some man. Dude, I wonder if there was any like riots. Yeah. They did protest pretty easily back then.

Just holding up signs. Just says full Bush. Yeah, full Bush. This was before either Bush in the White white house too so they didn't really have any like yeah uh connotation to the word bush yet yeah yeah this is my bush era you know i mean dude i would have gone to that riot for sure oh yeah if someone tried to change the the trajectory of history like that i'm fighting for it yeah we don't want bald pussies yeah people that like a fight breaks out harry ain't scary that had to be wild though man yeah to just

look in the eyes of a vagina and just be like wow this is what i've been dealing with my whole yeah and i think if you're like a guy who is with, you know, girls, and then the first one you, like, all you had was bushy women, and then the first girl you're with after that is not bushy, you're like, I don't know if you like that or not. Or if you're like, holy shit, this is unbelievable. I didn't even know that there was all this stuff down there. Well, I think it says a lot about the woman, dude,

because it's like she's kind of like letting you know, like, hey, I don't give a fuck. I'll let it rip. Yeah. And that's like the type of woman I want in my life. She's like, I don't care what other people think. Like, I'm letting it hang. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like any woman now who has a full bush like that also has the armpit hair, though. How do you feel about the armpit hair? That's a tough sell for me. That's a tough sell. That's a tough. Yeah. And there was an era where people were putting glitter in them and bedazzling them. And you'd see it on the subway.

Is it really? They'd be specifically holding the bar up. And they would have, like, purple glitter in their female armpit hair. And I'm pretty much out on that. You know, I just, it's not for me. Yeah. I mean, dude, if I'm, like, fucking, I don't even know, five years from now, if I'm at a pool party and my wife shows up and she's got a full bush. She's just like, ah. Yeah.

The armpits, no. Armpit hair, but then the bush is all sprawling out. Yeah, if she's showing the bush to like family friends, I'm like that's my that's my girl right there she has to wear a bathing suit backwards just to cover the bush with the ass part of even then her ass hair is just screaming as it was also curling out yeah like that's my fucking girl that's my gal dude yeah she's got confidence yeah i do agree there is something that like you you are whether you even letting it fly is kind of putting an effort down there i something that like you are, whether you're even letting it fly is kind of putting an effort down there.

I think, you know, like you are still, yeah, I don't know. It's fucking weird. To me, it's not even about the bush. It's about the mentality of it. Yeah. The message. It's the personality. It's the deeper meaning, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine me speaking to like a group of 500 people. I really did just picture you like on stage in an armchair in like a sold out auditorium at like Rhode Island College or something. Just like anyway, like we said, and as you can read in my book, The Bush Tells All. It's not the bush itself. it's the message behind the bush i mean yeah dude that would be that would be in my mind i would really i'd be at like a denny's you know five years from now just like you know just preaching to people yeah it's just asking waitresses you got a bush

down there can i put you in my book yeah i've been thinking about like what type of uh what type of old guy i'm gonna be doing i just you know yeah yeah you want to be like borderline like uh like a pedophile little pedophily uh but like fun like i'll never rape but you but the neighbors are like always suspicious i'm never gonna invite the kids over my house but sometimes they come over, you know? Like you make them invest in ADT. Yeah, they start. I end up on a lot of ring doorbells.

You know what I mean? Like he's back again. Why is he just back again? I mean, that's probably what my neighbors think about me, dude, to be honest, for sure. Just wandering around, leaving. They're like, yeah, he just looks directly into the sun that's how he starts his day i asked i invited him up for coffee he said no and he just stared at the sun uh yeah no i think that's a like a fun old guy to be because you don't i mean i don't

know about you but for me that being the curmudgeon the old guy seems like that's kind of hacky you know like the old racist old guy yeah it's too normal it's been done it's out there it's already there yeah i mean i feel like i promised my boys like when we get older like we're still going to be silly and stuff so i feel like that's you have to keep that promise yeah and i feel like no one's going to do it except for me you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah You'll be the silly old guy. Like, doing stuff that you did when you were younger as an old person makes it 20 times funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true.

Like, dude, one of my best friends growing up, he was Asian, dude. Yeah. The one time we got super stoned and we went to a McDonald's drive-thru. Yeah. And he had a subwoofer system. And, dude, we played hardcore porn at like full volume dude and he was she was like yeah can i get three mcchickens and it's like blasting in the background dude and we pulled up dude and he kept a straight face that handed the money over

that's great imagine doing that when you're like 50, five year old guy, 85. Imagine that you got like three days left to live. Blasted. Oh, high as a kite at McDonald's. You've taken two naps today,

so you can even be up this late. Yeah. That was so fucking funny, dude. Yeah, no, I agree. The doing,

doing the young stuff when you're old is, uh, what do you think keeps people from doing that, though? I think, like, knowledge, experience in life, probably being sore and tired a lot. Yeah, and I also think, like, old people were... I mean, now that we're starting to get cooler older older people that are like did acid and stuff like that. Really? Yeah.

I think so. You get like this, the people that were like in the sixties are like, that were in their prime in like the sixties, seventies, eighties are getting old now. They're getting into the Woodstock era. Sixties, seventies. That's what I mean. But a lot of, but the majority of people of that era, hyper religious, very, very conservative people, not willing to like make jokes about certain things. Um, yeah, I think, uh, I don't, I don't really care for the people, but I, I kind of forget what the fuck I was talking about.

Like how older people are cooler now. Oh yeah. Yeah. I think that those people, like for the majority of them, they're going to start dying off. And eventually we'll be the old people. And old people will be fucking cool. What are we going to be talking about, though? We're going to be still be talking about Trump and Biden, probably.

We'll still be talking about how our technology was cooler than their technology we'll talk about how uh these fucking young kids don't get it you know like n64 was way cooler than virtual reality um i think we'll be fucking robots yeah because we're the last breed that actually did legendary stuff yeah exactly we still like i want to i want to be at a fucking trampoline park telling boys about like how i finger banged a fatty and yelled smell my fingers yeah like a family reunion and i did it on my neighbor's trampoline that they built themselves yeah we're the last breed of that yeah intelligence dude i agree i agree we're the last ones to finger bang underage.

Yeah. Now these kids are mashing joysticks. No, I think we'll be. Start a riot, dude. Bring back the finger bang. Yeah. I think we'll be finger banging in the future for sure. I don't know, man.

I'm getting kind of a little paranoid about because people are getting dumber dude but technology's advancing so yeah so don't you think we'll be in a good spot where we're smart enough to know how dumb we are without technology no and then like for us like for me i think our retirement homes are going to be way fucking cooler than retirement homes now yeah like retirement homes now everyone's playing checkers and backgammon and all this shit like our retirement homes are going to be us laying i don't even know if we go to a home i will be somebody's battery that powers their car or their house like i'll lay in a fucking tank in the back hook the wires up to my brain and you can facetime me i'll be the battery that runs the house or the car wow uh i'm for that. And then throw me in the float tank, let a robot lady come over and fucking milk me once a day.

Because you were saying that like you think technology is going to like fuck us all up anyway. So you're just like eating your fucking tits off. Oh, no, I'm saying like if technology is going to take over, then I'll be like put me in the matrix. Yeah. If your body's breaking down around you and you're 80 years old, wouldn't you want to be thrown into the matrix? And that's what you're saying right now. You want to power a fucking townhouse.

Throw me in the fucking tank. Plug, plug up to me. I'll, my brain waves can power your microwave or some shit. I can run a Tesla. Yeah. Uh,

and then just say hi to me once in a while. And, and, uh, you're in like a fish tank. Yeah, exactly. Just like a little fucking tadpole. Yeah, and a little screen will pop up and you'll be able to be like,

what's up, Grandpa? I'll be like, get the fuck away from me. I'm back in World War II. I think they have a Black Mirror episode that's kind of like that. Yeah. It's fucking weird. Yeah. I think that's the future.

I think old people will be fun because there'll be those people. Then there'll still be people playing checkers. we're going to be, like, old people will be fun. Because there'll be those people. Then there'll still be people playing checkers. And you're going to have these, like, holes. I hope I die before there's any, like, big technological advancement, dude. You don't want to live. I'd like to live for, like, the Matrix part. I want to die the day that, like, the first human-operated, like, space fucking, like, rocket, like, UFO. The first time we get flying saucers that can like zip

around that's not my world anymore yeah i just want to die the day they make like the masturbation machine dude just some robot that jerks you off like whenever you want you don't want to live one i just want to do it once i mean you live one day just go out like a champ dude just never turn the machine off do the do the trial just for the seven yeah it will be a subscription service you won't just be able to buy the jerk off bot i mean dude i would be a legend like they would remember me forever they would be like this is the first guy to ever ever get jerked off by a robot yeah you know how much that would mean to the boys that would mean a lot oh my god my God, man. And to die shortly after. I mean, pretty heroic stuff. Yeah.

I mean, even nowadays, man, like you think about chicks, like how are you going to stimulate roast beef later on in life if chicks got all these like fancy devices, man, you know? Stimulate roast beef. You really think the finger bang is still going to be a thing? I think you got to train. Finger bang is still going to be a thing. I think you got to train. I think if you just fold over, yeah, you'll lose. You're going to lose the fight to technology.

That was the best thing anyone's ever said. Any day of the week. You just got to do that. It's like a Rocky film. And you're training for the finger bang, dude. Just running up the stairs the same way. It's like you are like the local supermarket, dude. just like finger banging a rotisserie chicken exactly dude he fucking ends with you walking out with a turkey yeah you know you gotta be quick gotta be quick yeah

wow dude that just dude that literally just gave me like uh like it tingled my skin a little bit yo we can we can beat the machines. You're right. On all fronts. This is the first of many wars that we're going to have against robots in the coming decades. Yes. If we can't win the battle of pussy, how are we supposed to win the battle for planet Earth? We can outsmart these fucking robots.

Yeah, but what can we do that we can whisper to pussies and shit? You know what I mean? I've never whispered to a pussy, dude. You can whisper to them. I might start dude yeah you can blow hot air on them you can you bring a hand a hair dryer to the bedroom dude that's fucking we can let down pussies too dude you can definitely they're never gonna let a pussy down like it's always gonna be great but like battery operation the trials and tribulations involved

of like not pleasing a woman like they can't do that dude you know what i mean yeah but you uh that's the the robots are temporary i think like they still want the human thing so as long as you're somewhat up to snuff yeah i think you're gonna be okay if you if you're so drastically that much more poor than the than what the robots can do to them you don't stand a chance you know yeah but you put in the work you put in the hours you train you fucking here's what you got to leave your hand in water all day get it all pruney and then start working out you know it's like running with weights on you gotta hit the rice bags hit the rice bags you know the stuff you can do i mean that would be a good film too do you moisturize you moisturize your hands no you gotta moisturize your hands? No. You got to moisturize your hands.

You're right, dude. You see, you're not even putting in the baseline level of effort. You're right, dude. And then you're saying that the dildos, of course, they're better than you. I can't. Can you do this? You see it vibrating? Oh, shit.

You can do this, too. You're right, dude. I can't give up like this, man. Worst case, buy one of yourself and just whip it out halfway through. They won't even realize. That would be a good film, man. Worst case, buy one of yourself and just whip it out halfway through. They won't even realize. That would be a good film, dude. Just like you're training nonstop and she's with the robot. Yeah.

And then she comes back to you. Yeah. And you've just been training, dude. Just fucking. I got a bandana on now. Fucking. Yeah. I'm fucking jacked, dude.

You see the muscle scum fucking jacked. Yeah, your fingers have like six packs, dude. Yeah, dude, fucking. Oh, that'd be fucking sick. But yeah, dude, sorry I saved it for the end, dude, but you obviously just dropped your special, dude. I did, yeah. I filmed it like two and a half years ago with Dry Bar Comedy,

and it's been waiting that long to come out uh just because for no fucking reason yeah uh but either way it's out right now it's 25 minutes of of clean comedy it's church clean holy shit like it was filmed in provo utah in front of mormons uh and that's like dry bars thing is uh is it being like clean and family friendly kind of shit so um family friendly kind of shit which is funny uh yeah so it's up there now you can watch it for free you go to their app of their website if you use code drew done all caps all one word you get to a 30-day free trial and then just cancel it before it charges you can watch oh yeah i didn't know it was two and a half years ago man yeah it was 2021 it was like october of 2021 that's kind of sick though dude

because you've had all this time to just yeah i don't i haven't done i mean in a lot of that stuff i was digging up even older material to put on that special anyway just because it was clean stuff that i was like i'm not gonna do that i mean i did a couple of lines that like i still like today but they're completely different jokes but yeah for the most part it's fucking nothing i've touched even in like over a year now. So, um, you can go watch that and then come see me on the road and see a totally different show, which is nice. Yeah. Check out Drew's, uh, you got a website, right? Yeah. Drew done comedy.com. We'll, we'll show you all that stuff. That's also my upcoming shows. Um, Drew done comedy on all social medias, new videos all the time. Yeah. Yeah. That's the deal.

Thank you for coming, dude. I appreciate it, man. Yeah, of course, man. It was fun.