The Johnny Salami Podcast - Dylan Krasinski
Episode Date: June 6, 2024Dylan Krasinski by The Johnny Salami Podcast...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn
Yeah
Laughter
Music
Well I love you madly dear
And I need you badly dear
Why did you leave me here
Without your love
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music Oh bro I'm hurting.
I just thought about it.
Does it show?
Where does the video cut off?
Does it show my whole body?
It's relaxed, dude.
You'll be all right.
No, I'm fine.
I'm relaxed.
I just, you know, I feel like my legs are out and about right now i like those five inch shorts i think
i don't know man and uh you might be pretty close dude oh you think you're just showing
just going right up my underwear dude i'll have it just zoom in like right on your piece
this is a clip just zoom right in that is tough man like in the summer bro you got to find the
right shorts i you know what i
what i use i don't know no free plugs but uh chubbies you know chubbies underwear dude no uh
it's the shorts they have the underwear sewn in though like i have the lining yeah great dude i
buy like three pairs every year spandex yeah it's these yeah they're so nice looking at your cock
dude it's fucking bulging out.
Yeah.
No, man, you get shoved up, dude, if you wear spandex a little bit.
Dude, me undies happens all the time.
Really?
Yeah, you walk around.
Sometimes when you wear jeans, you know?
Uh-huh.
You know what jeans are, right? Yeah, dude.
Dick rubs against them or whatever.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you know, things happen.
I mean, that's all you want as a man, dude be chubbed up as much as you can because like dude at the gym man like i'll do
like uh i'll do like leg raises on the ground so i'm just like flashing my gooch at everyone
and i'm never chubbed up dude i'm always like my dick is always pointing like directly
you ever uh you ever doing that do they have you ever done you're like lifting
you're lifting in the mirror and then you notice like your dick is just pointing and you're like
fuck i fuck you're like i gotta finish this set so i can adjust yeah i do that all the time have
you ever gotten chubbed up at the gym like you're taking a break you sit down on the bench and like
you just your your mind's wandering and then you get you get a little hard and you're like, fuck, it's going to be a longer break.
Sometimes I get shoved up on the way to the gym, dude.
I'll play Till I Collapse and just get fucking rock hard, dude.
I thought that was a game.
Oh, no.
You never heard that song?
Till I Collapse?
No.
Dude, are you gay, dude?
It's by Eminemem dude oh yeah okay
yeah i know till i collapse till i collapse yeah that's it sure yeah you know yeah you got it we
got it no man i actually got like um i got like haynes underwear but it's like performance
underwear so it's like that material that you're describing yeah but uh yeah man i'm either just
like fully chubbed up or just like you know too soft you know what i'm saying yeah i uh
i've always been a uh are you like a are you a premature guy or do you you you got no problems
in the bedroom i mean i my biggest problem is not being in the bedroom.
So that's crazy,
dude.
You're a good looking guy with that mustache.
Come on.
Yeah. You should be walking up to ladies being like,
let's go for a little ride.
You'll give you a little ride.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
A few sirens go off.
Uh,
um,
yeah,
no,
I,
you popping off early.
Is that what you're saying?
No,
no,
I,
I used to, I i used to you've been
training dude dude yeah i dude i actually saw a reddit they called it they call it the death grip
apparently i saw this reddit post and this girl was like um my husband we've been married for
seven years and he comes in 20 seconds every time every time after seven years. And she's like, what do I do?
And everyone's like, have them practice the death grip, which is just when you like masturbate with a really firm grip.
Oh, that's called it's called jelking, dude.
Really?
Yeah.
They call it jelking.
You desensitize yourself.
Yeah.
No, I used to when I was in college, it was like I remember I dated a girl in college and like, you know, where you're like you live with roommates.
You're trying to find a time to, you know, hang out.
It might be like a while and you're 19 years old.
You know, you're horny all the time.
And it would just outcome in like 20 seconds.
I remember one time she was like, hey, all the roommates are gone.
You want to go up to my room?
And I was like, in my mind, I was like, this is going to gonna be bad for everybody yeah it's gonna be a great 10 seconds for me and dude i like and i was done
immediately i was like what were you thinking about i think i'm gonna were you embraced in
the moment dude were you thinking about like uh 9-11 and shit it's just thinking about you know
i used to think about like the 9-11.
You're just thinking about.
Yeah, it just made me cum faster.
Elementary school.
Wait, so how many like, do you think you were like fully embraced in the moment, dude?
Or you think you just.
I think too much.
Yeah.
That's the problem. I was like in it and we like started and it was like, it was like six pumps.
And I was like, oh, I think and i was like oh i think i think oh i'm sorry and she
she literally stopped and goes are you serious and i was like oh my god dude it was horrible
dude you shouldn't have said sorry though man i was like oh here it comes wow dude uh when that
happens i feel like you just got to be like fuck yeah dude now yeah after that though
once you got once i turned like 23 and then it's just like oh yeah who cares because then it was
just you go again you hang out or you don't and she's just unsatisfied i think it's all just
confidence i think girls uh are like flattered by that yeah that's what i've seen on the uh
instagram uh reels i've been watching what i've seen on Pornhub. They love it.
Yeah, dude, first time I had sex, bro,
I busted in this chick.
Jesus Christ.
And I just fucking pretended that I, like,
literally tore my ACL.
I literally screamed, too.
Like, dude, I got up close to her ear.
I was like, fuck my leg.
She was like, oh, my God, are you okay?
And I was like, I need to stop.
I was like, call 911.
Yeah, I went like, I was so embarrassed, dude.
Oh, my God.
But after that, man, I was just like, dude, you know, just raw dogging, man, you know, and just be a legend, you know?
Yeah.
Why not? Yeah. For me, man, you know, and just be a legend, you know? Yeah. Why not?
Yeah.
For me, dude, it totally depends on the girl.
Like if a chick is like super hot and has no personality, dude, I have no problems in
the bed for some reason.
Yeah.
But if a chick is like a beat, she has a beautiful personality, dude.
Oh, bro.
That gets over, man.
Yeah.
I agree.
It's a small things, dude.
Yeah. You know, It's a small things, dude. Yeah, you know,
it is a small thing.
I
don't think I've ever told this story like
to anybody, not even friends,
maybe like one or two friends.
We should put on LinkedIn, dude. Yeah, I'll tell
it. I'll tell her right now.
Have you ever like, have you ever
just like gotten it got too dude oh you know what
it was yeah do you know the movie um uh she's out of my league yeah you know when he like comes in
his pants yeah i literally had that happen to me once i swear to god dude man it was horrible
same type of scenery it was dude it was we were in this girl's apartment and we hadn't
hooked up yet and we kept like i kept like you know going over each other's houses and getting
hot and heavy and stuff and she was super hot and she would just like grind on me and like one time
we just got like so into it and she was like where we uh we're not gonna have sex but like she would
like it was like having sex with her clothes on.
And I remember I, like, came in from Long Island to, like, see her.
I took the train.
And all night.
And then we're, like, making out.
And I was just like, dude, you ever come and just pretend nothing happened?
I was just, like, straight-faced and, like, yeah, nothing. I was just like straight faced and like yeah nothing i was just
like this is hot and i go hey i gotta i gotta go to the bathroom and i gotta pee yeah and i was
like fuck dude and i like washed out my underwear oh man my jacket and like went back out and she
like goes and start like making out with me again. I go, yeah, I'm pretty tired.
I think I think I should go home.
Damn, dude.
Yeah.
Back then, I feel like you do whatever it takes just to like avoid.
I wonder if they knew, man, you know, I think she probably knew.
You think so?
Maybe because it was like we were super hot and heavy.
Yeah. And then it was just like I was like, I have I got curfew.
Yeah.
You're 28 years old what do you mean you got
i don't know man maybe she didn't know maybe not you know i hope not yeah that'd be well she knows
now she knows now she listens to the pod yeah if i'm being honest man like a lot of thought that
i've been having recently almost every day is like dude i just want to suck on some titties like hey but like that's it dude
you know what i mean yeah like i just want to suck on some titties dude maybe like in my car
by like a waterfront dude oh that is nice listen to some classic rock yeah and then just be like
all right have a good night yeah like. Like, dude, that's it. Just sucking titties. Sometimes sex is.
Consensually, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes sex is like you're not, you want it, and then it's, opportunity presents itself,
and you just, you get a little lazy, you know?
But, dude, imagine, like, going out, doing that, and coming back and telling the boys
what you did.
It's pretty nice.
They're like, dude, you hook it's pretty nice they're like dude
you hook up with her you're like dude i mean i sucked on her titties and they're like what else
and you're like that's literally it that's it they're like damn dude they would put a picture
of you up on the wall do that i did that once where uh a girl a girl was the picture is in my house still. Let's go with her. We hooked up.
She slept over.
It was like an ex.
She was like,
next morning, she's like,
do you want to have sex again?
I usually always like that morning.
I just wasn't into it really.
I was hungover.
I was like, I'm not really in the mood.
She was like,
can you just suck my tits and I'll, you know, masturbate?
And I was like, sure.
Okay.
Dude.
It was great.
And you didn't marry this chick?
No, no.
I know.
I know.
It was nice.
That's fucking sick.
It was nice.
It was very like low effort for me.
I was hungover.
Yeah. I was like, I felt sick, but that made me feel better.
It made me feel much better.
Oh, my God.
Dude, one time I tried sucking on this girl's tits, dude.
And I couldn't find them, bro.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
I was like, I swear to God, dude.
you mean i was like i swear to god jesus christ dude this chick's tits were so zaggy
i went in to go like suck on her titties dude trying to find the nipple
it's just like chest upper chest at the bit no
i went in to go suck her titties dude and i was literally like It's just like chest, upper chest, abdomen. No joke, dude.
I went in to go suck her titties, dude, and I was literally like making out with her armpit, dude.
It was fucking... I was like, dude, what the fuck?
And it was dark, so like I couldn't see.
Dude.
She literally...
Dude, she was so cool about it, bro bro she like took my hand to fucking
took it up yeah she guided me dude you know what i mean i was literally like a blind person she
was like let me take your hand showed me the way dude she had fucking udders bro but she was so
cool man yeah that's you didn't marry. That's usually how it goes, right?
Yeah.
You know, that's definitely happened a lot to her.
She's like another one.
That's my armpit.
She just gets like a tattoo.
It's like, yeah, keep going.
That'll be crazy.
You think you'd get a tattoo if you had fucking otters, dude?
Dude, it just says it just says titty city and then an arrow going down.
Boner garage.
I always felt for those girls, man, who had like just this dude.
Because you don't really see much saggy tits when you're younger.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Unless you're on another level, dude.
I mean, yeah, they're out there.
They exist. It's crazy how long they can
sag for too dude you know what I mean
it's wild it is
gravity's a bitch dude
you know what it is women gotta stop wearing bras
that's what I've heard
they support it too much
it's like
you gotta work them out you know you gotta let them fly
ladies
free the nipple dude I'm all about no bras It's like constantly you got to work them out. You know, you got to let them fly. Ladies, let them go.
Free the nipple.
Dude, I'm all about no bras.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a big I'm way behind.
You know, if there was protests or like marches, I would march for free the nipple.
Absolutely.
I thought you were going to say like you would just go to protest to see titties.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I'll be there.
I would have a sign like a woman's rights march.
Yeah.
Free the nipple. And you would be there just to see titties. Bra-less. Yeah, I would be there. I would have a sign. Like a woman's rights march? Yeah. Free the nipple.
And you would be there just to see titties.
Bra-less.
Yeah.
That's nice, dude.
You're just like jerking off on like a balcony.
Yeah.
Just renting an Airbnb.
I would do that, dude.
That would be sick.
Yeah.
That would be nice.
Yeah.
Why not?
Yeah, man.
I feel like girls would be all about that, too, because they're always complaining about,
you know, bras and stuff.
Yeah.
I think they would. I encourage it. I'm all about that too because they're always complaining about you know bras and stuff yeah i think they would i encourage it i'm all about that i think that's super hot when a girl's
like not wearing a bra yeah yeah one of the girls you know i wonder what girls find to be attractive
uh honestly i think nothing about men i think that was the best answer ever actually you're
probably 100 right i think women find nothing attractive about dudes women are fucking never happy dude i don't know why women want to hang out with us it's so infrequent yeah um i you
know i was thinking about the other day i've never met a woman who's just like happy with what i
provide you know what i mean like it's just never enough dude yeah you know what i mean i know and
then i jerk off and i'm like dude maybe this isn't so bad you know what i mean i have that dude when you when you're like ah maybe i'll text
this person i haven't texted in a while and they're like let me jerk off first and then immediately
after like i'm glad i didn't text that person oh yeah dude you could be like all the time dude you
could be like the coolest dude in the world, like have all the qualities.
And like a girl is still going to like bring up everything she hates about you.
And you just have to stand there and be like, yep.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That dude got the Kansas City Chiefs fucking.
Butker?
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
He's taking heat.
It's like, bro.
Taking a lot of heat.
Let the man cook.
I mean, did you watch the speech?
Yeah, dude.
I jerked off to it.
That was great, man.
Dude, I thought it was, I mean, I thought it was, I watched like the part that everyone was saying was so bad.
You know, I watched it and basically all he's saying is he's like, I love my wife because, you know, she's, you know, I'm so proud of her.
You know, she cooks every day.
She takes care of the kids.
And I love that.
And I couldn't be where I am without her.
And you know what?
It's where she deserves to be.
I was like, whoa.
No, it's.
You thought it was bad?
No, no.
I thought it was fine.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe time and place like college graduation, but it's also like a small Christian college.
Yeah.
You know?
I mean, it's like, dude, you can't work at Supercuts forever.
You know?
Well, no.
When he said he's like, you know, I'm sure a lot of you women and men are excited about your careers.
But ladies, I'm sure a lot more of you are excited about the prospect of having
families and kids.
And I'm sure there were some women in that audience
that were like, yeah, I am.
Thank God, someone's speaking
to me. Oh yeah, down in Kansas City
for sure. Yeah.
But I understand
why, you know,
people in New York City would be like,
hang them. Hang them from the rafters.
There's no homemakers here, dude.
That would be fucking scary, dude.
If you lived in Manhattan and you were a homemaker?
Dude, Manhattan is filmed with women
who literally just want to have sex with their dogs.
That's it.
They just want to fuck their dogs.
Have you ever dated a girl with a dog?
No.
In the city?
It's a nightmare.
I love dogs.
Oh, they're like so obsessed with their dog.
They're so obsessed with the dog.
They're just like, oh, this was a great date, but I got to go to walk my dog.
And you're like, sick, dude.
It's like you have a kid, you know?
And they're like kissing them and shit.
And I do the same thing with my dog, but I don't want to have sex with my dog.
Pissing them and shit.
And I do the same thing with my dog, but I don't want to have sex with my dog.
I think a lot of these women are like, if only this dog could talk, I wouldn't need a man.
Yeah.
Wouldn't need to get on hinge. Dude, I wonder if that's a reason for like a lot of breakups besides like sitting on a fucking bar stool the wrong way.
You know what I mean?
Like stupid shit like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Did you see that?
We just had L Orlando on our pod.
I think that's why i was dying
just watching uh it's crazy dude like clips will just pop into my head where i'm like yep
she said you know i asked her if she had any x and she was like yeah when a guy's legs dangle
from the bar stool and i was like dude that's fair you know it's fair yeah i've done that i
feel like an idiot when i do that have you ever had your legs dangle for sure embarrassing yeah i'm like ah fuck dude yeah man i can't even imagine
like i don't even think i have x dude like i think i just have like retardation problems
you don't have any x the chick is like you know i feel like my x are just like being retarded like
being retarded and looking retarded. You know what I mean?
So it's like there's nothing to dive deeper into.
No, I meant like you, what you don't like.
Like if a woman does something, you don't like it.
You're immediately like, ah, that's a deal breaker.
Yeah, man.
I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed a woman's presence.
It really is so much better to just hang with the boys.
Dude.
You know? It is so much better to just hang with the boys. Dude, it's so much fun.
It's so much fun to just hang with the boys and, you know, group chats.
Yeah, I'm so tired of pretending that I'm, like, having a good time with a female dude.
It's like, I fucking hate this.
Dude, I just saw there's a carnival at Astoria Park. Yeah.
And I know if I had a girlfriend right now she'd be
like let's go to the carnival and i would be like that sounds terrible i don't want to do that yeah
unless they get some like churros or like the fried food i'm good with that but i want to ride
the ferris wheel yeah like dude chicks want to do shit that like i never want to do and it's like
dude have you ever tried hanging out with a chick like inviting her to do some of your shit it always ends terribly dude yeah i had a girl come over once and i was just
like oh it's like i figured like today we're hungover we could just be like a chill day and
we watched like three movies and she's like i need to like do something i need to go outside
and i was like oh yeah yeah me too me too but i was like i could sit here
for 15 hours and do nothing and just chill yeah have you ever had a chick invite you somewhere
though where you're like dude i can't be here right now oh dude yeah i had some chick like
be like that's the crazy thing we'll do it i'll do it no problem really i won't even think about
it and then afterwards or like right now we're talking dude i went to the photography museum
dude i've never i've never taken a picture not on my phone i have no interest in photography
but i went to this museum and walked around and was like yeah this is really nice your brain is
just fucking melting dude because you're trying so hard to get pussy this is yeah this is really nice your brain is just fucking melting dude because you're trying
so hard to get pussy it's like this is awesome this is really cool it was actually okay but uh
i could have gone my whole life without doing it yeah i mean i wouldn't mind doing that if a chick
gave me like a blumpkin or something dude you know what i mean yeah dude if a chick is like
really putting in the effort it's like dude you scratch my back i'll scratch yours best thing you'll do i'll do whatever if a girl if i'm into a girl i mean i'll do i'll i'll throw her a picnic
i'll do what you know yeah there's like a mutual connection dude but it's just like dude i took a
chick fishing once and like dude we went to this lake sounds awesome yeah it's not fucking awesome
yeah dude she's just like yelling the whole time i like, we're on a fucking pond right now.
There's no one around.
I brought snacks, you know.
We're going to catch some fish.
Like, it's going to be awesome.
She didn't have a good time.
No, dude.
Just complaining the whole time.
Do you have like alcohol?
Like beers?
No, not back then.
Yeah.
But there were many times where I'd be out on the boat.
That's a great date yeah and
then like the next week i bring one of my buddies dude we'd go out with like a fucking 30 rack
bring a speaker dude listen to like acdc oh just catch like 30 fish that's great you know you're
like dude am i gay like it's fucking crazy the dream yeah honestly dude it was so much fun that's
like such a uh really if you could just like
dudes want to hang with dudes and chicks don't even want to hang with other chicks i think they
just want like a guy that they are just like can be like that shirt doesn't fit that doesn't look
good yeah and that's that's what they get joy out of yeah i mean you're my project yeah and like
dude i have a sister like i grew up yeah like, seeing her hang out with her friends.
Even then, I was like, fuck this, dude.
Like, this is weird.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, you might play, like, hide-and-go-seek and shit, which everyone finds fun, but, you know.
You kind of just see how girls, like, react with other girls, and you're like, dude, this is insane.
You know what I mean?
Like, you guys fucking hate each other.
Dude, they hate each other.
Have you seen the WNBA? The way they're treating this poor fucking caitlin clark yeah it's wild
dude they hate her they hate her they're all like bitter about it so yeah dude you know yeah you
know like they've been doing it for like 20 years some of these people they've been just making 60
grand a year uh you know like i could work in mcdonald's for 20 years and make 60 grand a year and they're
just now all of a sudden it's popular you gotta i mean you gotta think though imagine like well
you see in comedy right some kid comes in you're doing it like you know these guys doing it like
20 years and they see a guy like a matt rife come up yeah and just like immediately get so much
success you know there's so much bitterness oh for sure he's like older
guys he's like road dogs or like what the fuck does that guy have that i don't yeah no makes
sense for sure but yeah she signed a 24 million dollar contract with uh with um an endorsement
with nike her actual deal is like 60 grand a year 70 grand a year something like that oh yeah so
it's all like sponsors but she's making big money with the sponsors.
And, dude, she deserves it, man.
She's bringing so much attention.
Dude, I was looking on the way over here.
It just popped up.
Average attendance for WNBA games this year is like 6,000 or 7,000.
5,000, 6,000, 7,000.
And for all Kaitlyn Clark games, not just the team she plays for but any
stadium that she's playing in average attendance is like 16 17 000 yeah that's wild dude who's
getting literally 10 000 more people in every city to come out and check it i almost bought
tickets to the delivery game but they were like expensive they were like 300 dollars yeah i'm not she grew up with dudes she's a cool girl so
yeah no i'm like borderline sounded sexist right now dude this whole podcast really feels uh
no you know i love titties dude come on it's just dude yeah no man i just like uh i spent so much
time like thinking like i'm gonna fall in love like it's a lifetime movie and now, I just like, I spent so much time like thinking like I'm going to fall in love like it's a Lifetime movie.
And now I'm just like, dude, maybe I should just date like a foreign chick who just doesn't even speak English.
You know what I mean?
Dude, you should go on like Passport Brows.
Become like a Passport Brow.
Have you heard of this?
These guys who have the U.S. passport and they go to certain other countries like where women are more traditional.
And they just find a wife and bring her back to the States.
Green card her up.
Yeah, basically.
Oh, dude.
It's like a movement.
Yeah.
People go to like certain like Asian countries or South American countries.
I think that's called human trafficking.
Dude.
Yeah, probably.
No, it's just like, hey, I can give you a better life in New York.
It's like you just got to work at the factory five days a week.
Yeah, I would just want to, like, spice it up, dude.
Maybe you got, like, a North Korean girlfriend or something like that.
Speaks zero English, dude.
Does some, like, illegal shit, but, like, hides it well.
Get her over the fence. Yeah. Like, cleans the house, dude. Stays home. You know, I'll take care of English, dude. Does some, like, illegal shit, but, like, hides it well. Get her over the fence.
Yeah.
Like, cleans the house, dude.
Stays home.
You know, I'll take care of her, dude.
Somebody breaks in, like, she'll take care of it.
It's like shit like that, dude.
You know what I mean?
It's like, yeah, you sleep by the door.
Yeah.
This side, I sleep by the AC.
Yeah.
Nah, man, chicks are cool, dude.
I'm obviously just fucking around.
I mean, kind of, but, kind of yeah like you know no chicks are
great yeah we both know love the ladies yeah we're always hanging i got a bunch of lady friends yeah
comedy chicks are cool but that's like oh yeah they're like mentally ill you know what i mean
so it's like it's a uh they're not normal no no they're they're more like a lot of comedy chicks
are more like dudes yeah bust balls and shit like that for sure yeah but it's like a select few but that's that's always
pretty cool you know yeah but yeah i'm just talking about like chicks honestly like in new
york city dude who are just like influencers it's like dude what are you doing i can't are you gonna
do that forever like what do we if you can yeah i mean what a dream is doing outfits of the day
yeah but it's like you're not gonna look like going to look like that forever. No, no.
Every dude is just, like, watching you because you have, like, beanbags.
You know what I mean?
Like, no dude's, like, listening to what you say.
I was, I was, I watched this interview with Libby Dunn.
You know her?
No.
She's, like, the face of gymnastics now.
And she's, like, not great at the actual sport.
Yeah.
But she's a huge like social media influencer
does gymnastics as lsu you know who she dates paul skeens the rookie on the pittsburgh pirates
who's like already being talked about maybe the next great pitcher in the mlb he's nice with it
yeah he's like yeah you see you know what you that but that's why people
follow her because she's so hot she's so attractive she's beautiful and then you see your boyfriend
and you're like ah i've never had a shot but all these dudes think that they go ah she's pretty
hot i'll follow her because in their mind they go maybe maybe i'll run into her one day like
something and they're you know what
do you have to offer her you're like i work at sonic exactly dude why don't you come back in my
my minivan we'll hook it up to my trailer and i used to think like that all the time and now i'm
like dude are you insane it's never gonna happen oh dude my standards are the bar is so low dude
you know what i mean i'll probably end up with, like, a fucking chick who, like, retired from AutoZone.
You know what I mean?
And I'll probably be fine with that.
She did her 20 years.
She got the...
Yeah, dude, she got the pension.
She got the gold hubcap.
Yeah, and I'll be fine with that, dude, you know?
Yeah.
Like, at this point.
What are you doing?
Are you looking for ladies?
Are you, like, on the dating apps?
No, dude.
I did.
I went to Rhode Island for, like, a comedy festival dude saw mad titties bro
dude so many titties bro like everywhere and then uh dude so i get off state i think it was like
friday night last show it was like 10 o'clock whatever i mean like newport rhode island bro
this chick this is uh rogue island yeah nice and dude i'm just like hanging in the back with a with
a comic like a
dude having like a really good conversation bro and he's like i gotta go take a shit whatever
i'm like all right so i'm just stand there alone and this chick comes out to me bro i honestly i
didn't look at her titties i just saw her face she's like really close dude that's a hero move
bro she just like grabs me by the arm and and she's like, you're not really going to kill yourself, are you?
And I was like, no, no, I'm good.
And, like, kind of laughed a little bit.
And she was like, no, no, like, you're not going to, like, kill yourself, are you?
And I was like, did you not just hear what I said?
Like, dude, she just kept saying it over and over and over again.
And then I realized, dude, this chick's trying to fuck me.
Like, bro, she's like.
Can you buy me a drink and we'll talk about it?
She kept asking me, but she was, like, groping my own, like, molesting me, dude.
She hot?
Dude, I didn't really look.
I'm going to be honest.
I was only looking at her face, and I was, like, kind of, like, giving her, like, the fuck off signal.
Really?
Yeah.
Because there was other people around. Everyone was was watching it you were just not into it yeah
I mean dude like a girl asking me if I'm gonna kill myself doesn't really like get me going
you know what I mean no no like she could have said anything else and I would have been like
all right maybe I'll do it let's get some uh tequilas yeah she was like hey you want to like
fucking suck my titties in the car? I'd be like, okay.
Sure.
Let's do it.
Dude, she was just like, are you going to kill yourself?
And I was like, no.
That's dark.
Yeah.
Dude, it was super sad, man.
It was very sad, bro.
Like it was one of the worst experiences of my life, dude.
Really?
But yeah, man, like I was just like, fuck, dude.
God damn.
That's tough stuff.
But yeah, I was just like, fuck, dude. God damn. That's tough stuff. But yeah, I was just like so confused, man.
And then everyone afterward, when she left, everyone was like, dude, why don't you hook up with that?
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, she was asking me if I was going to kill myself.
And they were like, for real?
Dude, ladies don't know how to flirt.
That's her flirting.
That's her best attempt.
Yeah.
I don't know how to flirt.
But that's like, dude, that's an extreme, though. That's know how to flirt but that's like dude that's an
extreme though that's not like it is you know it's not like a swing and a miss that's like uh
that's a sad story bro you know what i mean yeah but yeah just shit like that man i feel like i'm
always seeing titties though dude like they're always around you know dude i just did, can I tell you this? Yeah. I just did a festival in Atlanta.
Yeah.
And the Red Clay Comedy Fest.
Okay.
Super fun.
Yeah.
And we went to this bar on the last night.
It's like a strip club.
It's a famous strip club down in Atlanta.
Okay.
It's called the Claremont Lounge.
And it was below the hotel we were staying at.
So I was like, oh, all the comics were all going back to the hotel.
I was like, last night, let's go to this Claremont Lounge strip club.
So I get like everybody.
All these people, they're all like, yeah, I want to go.
I want to check it out.
A lot of people from New York.
A lot of people that you, if I tell you their names after, you'd be like, you know like real woke brooklyn chicks who were like yeah
let's go let's do it dude i had the best time i had so much fun we i was just uh you walk in and
there's like a dance floor and then there's a bar that uh surrounds the stage so the stage is in the
middle and like the girls come out and they dance on the on the stage.
Yeah. And then people serve drinks and stuff.
And I was like, how do you give them the money?
I asked this dude that's just sitting at the bar and he goes, crumple it up and you throw it out.
I was like, all right, cool.
This is autism.
So I was like, yeah, awesome, dude. it was great time i i was convincing these like girls i was like i took like 40 bucks in singles maybe actually more i think it was like
60 bucks in singles and i was just like hey you wanna you wanna you wanna throw some money
they were like i don't know i was like come on it's a great time dude it's a great time
so i like give them a single and they crumple it up and throw it.
And they'd do this thing where they put a bucket between their legs, and they're front or back.
And then they'll bend down or stick it out, and you shoot it.
Like beer pong.
It was the best.
Wow.
So good.
Dude, all of these comics, these female comics, I was like, you want to try?
As soon as they tried, they were like, give me another. Give me another. Let me do it. I was like, yeah, dude. These are like woke comics, these female comics, I was like, you want to try? As soon as they tried, they were like, give me another.
Give me another.
Let me do it.
I was like, yeah, dude.
These are like woke comics, too.
This is people coming together.
Yeah.
Communities coming together.
There was this one chick there, though, this black chick who had the largest comically huge debts.
Just unbelievable.
Like basketballs.
Like basketballs. Like basketballs.
And I kept saying, I kept leaning over to other people and being like, you know, those are natural.
Those are real.
They're like, no.
Yeah, dude, they're real.
You should have sucked on them, dude.
Dude, I almost did.
Really?
She came around and she was doing table dances.
And I look over and there's this like college kid.
And he's sitting there with like his girlfriend or whatever.
And all of a sudden I just see her like wrap her tits around his head, like buried.
I lost his head.
His head was gone.
And just like in there.
And I was like, what is that?
And she was like, oh, it's a table dance.
And I was like, how do you do that?
And then she was like, it's 20 bucks.
And I was like, there you go.
Take my money.
Dude, I pussied out because there was like 20 comics there, a bunch of like New York comics.
And I didn't I like got scared.
I was like, I don't want them to look over and me have my head in between this girl's tits and then being like whoa whoa
so was it in front of everyone or she would have taken you
to the side I asked her
I go can we go like to that
like to the side
I go all my co-workers are standing there
and she goes yeah
come on honey and I was like alright
so we walk over and I walk
over with her and I go
I can still see them.
I go, you can keep the $20.
I'm good.
I'll find you later.
And then I just never found her.
You've been thinking about that every day since.
I have.
They have one chick there who will take beer cans.
She wasn't there that night.
And she'll crush them.
Crush them between her tits.
And then she'll sign it and like give it to
you as a little souvenir sick dude isn't that nice yeah titties are sick man honestly bro dude i was
at a uh i was at like a river party once just like a bonfire and i was talking to those are the
dude and this woman just walked up to us and just showed us her tits with a straight face and just
walked away.
What's better than that?
I was like,
is this real life?
You know what I mean?
Better than that.
That's nice.
Yeah.
But dude,
that is kind of weird.
Like,
you know,
in front of your friends and stuff.
Yeah.
Cause I've been to like a strip club where it's like,
I'm like blasted at like three in the morning and you're like looking to
see what's open and stuff.
And I went to one once,
dude,
it had to have been like three 30 in the morning.
I'm with like two or three other dudes and we go in and it's just like bumping dude it's like dude uh that song i'm a boss by rick ross was playing yeah yeah and there's just like you know
fucking shit like dude it was just bumping like the place was shaking we can't hear each other
and this woman was like do you want to dance and i was like yeah sure bro
she took me maybe five feet away from my buddies like there was no back rooms or anything it was
just in front of everyone and just started like dry humping me like aggressively oh yeah like
pinned me down just humped me for like 15 seconds and then she was like yeah that's like 40 bucks
and i was like oh i get it like this is why this is why this is open yeah 3 30 in the morning yeah
they're just trying to like I got in trouble with that once I uh not like trouble but like I
I didn't I didn't keep track of the uh the songs you know because they usually tell you and we go
to the strip club and she's like oh you want to dance it was a buddy's bachelor party this is
years ago I go yeah yeah let's do dance we go like in the back room and she's like
and she it's like 20 a song or something like that you know it's like two minutes whatever yeah
and i was like okay cool so she every like i did a couple before that maybe two or three
and as soon as the song goes they go hey that's song's over like do you want to keep going or are
you good and you'll be like um i'm good
maybe i'll find you later something like that and uh this girl never said anything she just like
kept going like pretending the song didn't end yeah i was like maybe she didn't hear it but then
she was like getting really into it like we almost made out she kept like grazing my lips and stuff
and like getting and she was like i get off like she told me this and this is classic people
listening are like you pussy dude she didn't like you she was just fucking milking you for money
i get it i know but in the moment i was like i think she likes me dude i think she likes me
she did her job well then dude she finally finished and uh it was like five songs and
she was like okay so that's gonna be um a hundred dollars and i was like what i was like five songs. And she was like, OK, so that's going to be a hundred dollars.
And I was like, what?
I was like, you didn't tell me.
And she goes, it was like five songs, man.
And dude, I had to walk to the ATM and take more money out to give to her.
My buddy took it.
You know, I like to take pictures.
My buddy has a picture of me standing at the ATM.
It's just like my back.
My buddy has a picture of me standing at the ATM.
It's just like my back.
And this chick, this stripper in her underwear has her hand on my back, like rubbing my back as I'm just taking money out of the ATM to give to her.
Dude, that's honestly not.
It was only like 100 bucks.
Yeah, it was like 100. That's not bad at all.
100, 120 bucks, something like that.
Oh, my God, dude.
I remember in New York City, like some Polish chick was like humping my earlobes, dude.
And she was like, I'll give you a fucking hand job oh is that polish what the fuck dude no she was chinese but i just don't want to be i don't want to get in trouble i got it no dude she was uh
where was she from she was from the ukraine dude oh yeah i was like holy shit like i'm sorry about
like what's going on there she like didn't say anything you're like
oh man it's nice that you're here bro she gave me like i just gave her all the money i had
and i was like yeah just give me whatever bro she gave me like one dance and then she was like
do you like do you want a hand job and i was like sure you know let's get it and she was like, let's get it. You know, let's get it. And she was like, yeah, it's $850.
$800?
Dude.
Oh, my God.
What a deal, dude.
Yeah, dude.
That's like a meal at McDonald's.
$8?
She was like, we take credit card, too.
I was like, dude.
She takes that.
She's like, you know, I got the swipe.
I was like, dude, I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Do you do it? Absolutely not, dude. She takes that. She's like, you know, I got the swipe. I was like, dude, I've made the biggest mistake of my life.
Do you do it?
Absolutely not, dude.
That was the moment I realized.
That was like a moment where you're like, dude, I can't.
I shouldn't be here right now.
You're like, why did I come out?
I could be playing fucking Xbox.
What am I doing, dude?
You know?
Yeah, yeah.
There's always that moment where you're like, dude, what am I doing?
Like, what have I become?
That's wild, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, those are tough moments, huh? Yeah, man. It's like, dude, what am I doing? Like, what have I become? That's wild, dude. Yeah. Yeah, those are tough moments, huh?
Yeah, man.
It's tough, dude.
I've been getting, like, emotional lately, bro.
Like, dude.
Were you crying?
Well, no.
I mean, a little bit, but.
Okay.
No, dude, like, even, like, dude, Thursday I had a festival show.
Started at, like, 7, bro.
It was a good show, a good time, whatever.
That's good.
Hanging out afterwards
i go home to rylan dude it's like maybe like nine ten at night or something dude and i'm like i'm
shooting hoops it's dark out i know a spot where there's like lights and shit just shooting around
bro just listening to the fray you know getting emotional and shit cable car i just i'm thinking
i'm like and i'm like dude I have two shows the next day.
I'm like, dude, I've never invited my mom to a show.
And I'm like, dude, you're such a piece of shit.
This is a festival weekend.
You have to invite her to a show.
Dude, so I text my mom.
I'm like, hey, if you want to come to my show tomorrow, you can come.
That's what I said.
And she, of course, is like yes i'd love i
would love that it's good son and uh dude so next day i'm heading to the show you know i sent my
mom like free tickets or whatever and i know where the show is like i've performed here before it
always sells out like this place always sells out and i'm like oh this is a festival show like this will be packed to the brim bro dude i show up legit maybe 15 people and they're all like in the outskirts they're all surrounding
and my mom's not there yet dude so i'm waiting my mom shows up dude they sit her right in the middle
one of the only people in the middle dude i'm by yourself oh my you're gonna get picked on the whole like questions oh what are you doing here dude so i like i have to bite bullet i go up first
dude and i decided you know how it goes man like you think of something like off the cuff yeah that
you think is like so funny bro dude i made fun of the host i was was like, doesn't Jeremy kind of look like he gets pussy at fucking yard sales?
Dude, no one laughed.
So I'm already like, all right, this is going to be a long 10 minutes, dude.
Dude, minute six, bro, I'm legitimately sweating.
Dude, that flop sweat.
Oh, my God.
That flop sweat hits.
That's tough.
Yeah, I'm like, dude, is this fucking over yet, dude?
And then, dude, minute seven, I think, bro, I feel something on my lips.
Dude, it's like an inch long hair.
And I'm like, oh, my God, dude.
This has never happened before.
I've never had a hair on.
Like, I'm like, it was like a long hair.
I'm like, dude, where does it come from?
You know what I mean?
And I'm like, dude, you can't pull the hair out of your mouth.
It's just like a magician.
Yeah, you should be like, what is that?
can't pull the hair out of your mouth it's just like a magician yeah she'd be like what is that dude so i just like bit my tongue for like two minutes just fought through it i was like i hope
no one sees this man and i just fuck god damn yeah what'd your mom think oh she was like that
was awesome so supportive dude yeah oh dude i could have shit my pants and fucking jumped out the window dude
she would have been like that was the best thing i've ever seen so good yeah awesome but she's like
i don't think she's ever been to a comedy show before so she probably thinks like that's what
it is you know what i mean it's so sad dude yeah that sucks man like when you think something's
gonna happen and it just never yeah you know i thought it was gonna be like sold out awesome a beautiful moment you know that is tough dude i uh i think about this all the time
like i love doing comedy you know yeah but dude what kind of loser goes to a comedy show
like thank god they do but i'm like what who is coming to not and i'm not talking like you know a celebrity comedian like yeah dude i would
never go to like a a back room of a bar to watch a comedy show on a tuesday night that's crazy
even though we're like come on come come barking on the street trying to get people in i think
you meant like i think you meant like a club show i was like dude Oh no like yeah like a good like weekend
Oh this will be fun but like
Dude going to like a you know
Where it's like 10 seats
We're like this is the best
But for an audience member I'm like
How sad is your life
Anytime there's like people barking
It's like dude you can't be doing this
You know
Yeah I would never
Alright dude let's
Let's see what we got for questions dude
Oh we're up to that
I don't think we
Did any?
I only
We only got one question this week dude so
Let's see what it is man
What do you take them
You take them from
Listeners?
Yeah
Oh I love that yeah that's great
we only got one question fuck so people need to call in more dude but how many you usually get
sometimes like a good amount damn but yeah at least you got at least we got one man
people are giving up, dude. All right.
Yo, what's going on?
It's Al in North Carolina.
And I was just curious if you ever have one of those days where you have diarrhea and you really just blow one out.
And, you know, you splatter all over the toilet bowl.
And, you know, sometimes it ricochets.
I'm just wondering, have you ever thought to wipe the backside of your nutsack?
Or maybe you're just walking around with poop balls all day let me know well these are our fans dude i you know when we spent about 35 minutes on tits i was like i don't
think there's a lot of ladies listening so that's kind of what i expected no those are those are our
fans dude i love that yeah i. I love it. Yeah.
Dude, you've been taking diesel shits?
Dude, I don't think I've ever not had diarrhea.
Is that normal?
I just, yeah.
Wow, man.
I mean, sometimes.
You live for it, dude? I feel like, no, I hate it.
I wish they were fibrous.
You don't secretly like it?
I mean, dude, I had diarrhea before I came over here.
I can't go in a hot tub for two more hours.
Yeah.
You ever see those signs where they're like, if you've had diarrhea in the past 12 hours,
don't come in the hot tub.
No, I always find that insane.
Since fucking Nam, dude.
I always find that crazy.
Like, yeah, diarrhea in 24 hours.
Don't come here.
And I'm like, I don't think I've ever gone 24 hours without having diarrhea.
You think you would actually take a shit in a hot tub?
No, no. You feel it.
You just get out and go.
Go somewhere else, dude. What are we talking about?
You can't control yourself?
The sign is obviously there for a reason, dude.
People have probably just let it rip in there.
I don't know what it is. Maybe they think it's
like bacteria. That would be fucking crazy, bro.
Just shit in a hot tub?
You're just like...
You're in like a zen state dude
you're just like falling asleep you're just like oh shit dude what would you do you don't even
notice other people start knowing they're like someone shit yeah what would you do dude i would
just be like oh my god this is who did this and then just like air them out and it's just like
like everyone runs gets out and you're just like this is crazy you grab a towel
wrap up like i can't believe someone shit in the hot tub yeah it's fucking nuts all you can do man
you have like shit stains everywhere like who would do that dude there's that guy uh the guy
on tiktok from boston date something davis you see this dude he's like one of these uh i feel like
oh you're talking about the marathon video yeah yeah that's hilarious dude? He's like one of these. I feel like. Oh, you're talking about the marathon video? Yeah.
Yeah, that was hilarious, dude.
I saw that.
So funny.
Yeah.
We're living in this age of social media where it's like these autistic weirdos are becoming influencers.
Yeah.
And I'm so here for it.
I love it.
Oh, yeah.
There's this dude, DC.
He lives in DC.
And he does these videos. He goes uh this is the life of
a 25 year old bachelor living in dc and then he like does his outfits and he always like
he like put on a shirt and a tie and he's like floral purple it's dude it's you're following like
pure oh i follow him yeah my entire algorithm is just those guys. Yeah, dude. Mine has been like a lot.
Like I follow this one dude who just he'll smoke a cigarette and he'll just throw like haymakers at propane tanks and like tree trunks.
That's crazy.
He'll just punch holes in like drywall and then he'll go through the hole.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
He's like, he's like passionate about it, too.
Really?
Yeah.
He's like really into it. He'll put like like passionate about it, too. Really? Yeah. He's like really into it.
He'll put like background music on it, too.
There's so many ways you can be famous.
It's nuts.
Dude, he had like Hurt by Johnny Cash playing in the background today.
Oh, dude.
That'll get you emotional.
He just punched a fucking tin can as hard as he could, man.
Dude, that'll really get you emotional.
Imagine being that fucking cool, dude.
Dude, I can't.
I can't imagine.
Dude, speaking of cool, for our podcast, I want to get an American flag to put in the background.
Really?
Yeah.
That'll set the tone, dude.
Oh, yeah.
For sure, yeah.
For the boys.
People will either stay or leave very quickly.
I'm hoping they stay.
Yeah.
I'm hoping we get more.
What, we can't love our country? Yeah. Well, i mean like when you were younger like do you remember seeing people
and just being like that's so fucking crazy and now you're like dude i could see myself doing that
what do you mean like you just see crazy people and you don't really understand it but now i'm
like oh i totally oh yeah yeah like someone losing it on the bus or something. Imagine just like being in your backyard, like literally just throwing haymakers at fucking propane tanks while smoking like a Marlboro Red.
Yeah.
Like that kind of sounds like fun, man.
I mean, it does sound like a good time.
You get it on video too, dude.
You put it out there for the world to see.
You start.
I think about that all the time.
I've thought about doing like a satire account of being like, I'm going to cash in on this fucking autism thing and just doing like a like a satire account where I'm just like walking around like, I don't know, just being like, this is the life of a 35 year old in New York City.
Dude, yeah.
I mean, dude, if I did, it would be way more like, I think about doing the shit I used to do in like elementary school.
Yeah.
Like, dude, we used to kick basketballs in the air.
Yeah.
At recess.
Just fucking nail people in the dome.
Dude, it's the purest.
Nothing makes you laugh harder than the shit you would do as a kid.
Right?
Yeah, but dude, imagine being like a 35-year man and doing that like you just walk out like
kicking basketballs you just take a step out of your car in the park dude and just kick a
basketball in the air just hit someone in the head you just dip yeah like dude that would be
so much fun that's so funny yeah dude we used to we used to our big thing we used to throw
things at cars all the time parked driving we used to, we used to, our big thing, we used to throw things at cars all the time.
Parked, driving.
We used to throw it all the time.
It was snowballs, acorns.
Yeah.
Playing football in the street.
There was one like old lady.
Now I feel bad about it.
But she used to park like right where we would play football.
Like we'd be playing and she would still park there.
So we would like, we'd do this thing where, you know, we'd be like, oh, run the route to the left.
Run a hook. And then you you just like peg her car there's foam footballs you know but one time i broke i broke a mirror on a neighbor's car dude oh my god i was like 13 i like hid in the
house for like two hours watching through the window. Really? Yeah. It was my buddy's brother's girlfriend,
her car.
She came out and I saw them and they're just like, what the fuck?
Who the fuck did this?
And I was like,
no,
I can't live with myself,
dude.
I went over and I told them,
I was like,
I'll pay for it.
She was like,
it's okay.
Like I was playing,
I was playing football,
dude.
Yeah. I'm so sorry. Oh man. sorry I mean at least you were like honest dude
and they were cool about it
the guilt would have eaten me away
I think when I was that age dude my friend
stepped in a piece of dog shit and for some
reason I just took a fucking rock
dude and threw it
through
just hummed it as hard as I could.
Fucking threw it through my neighbor's car window, dude.
Dude, it went through both front windows.
Those two things you just said have nothing to do with each other.
They should have nothing to do with each other.
Oh, it was so random, dude.
People are like, Johnny, why'd you throw the...
Well, you know, Rick, he stepped in dog shit.
So naturally.
Dude, he was...
Everyone was so confused, bro.
Like, they were looking around like, who did that?
And I was like, oh, fuck.
But dude, it took me like three hours.
I went inside and just hid, bro.
Like, we didn't have the balls.
Yeah.
Exact same thing.
I was terrified.
Dude, my mom found out and like, I had to walk over and like, dude, I refused to tell the lady that I did it.
And she was like super religious, dude.
And I was like, I swear to God I didn't do it.
And she was like, you swear to God.
And I was like, yes.
And she, dude, she thought I was like the Antichrist from that moment on.
It's like I have you on video. Yeah, dude. It thought I was like the Antichrist from that moment on. It's like, I have you on video.
Yeah, dude.
It's like a camcorder.
Yeah, she was so upset, man.
She was heartbroken, dude.
You know?
Not because of the window, but because I swore to God.
You swore to God on a lie.
That's crazy, dude.
That's nuts.
Yeah, my friend blew up a fucking car once dude really yeah he lit off like new
hampshire fireworks under a fucking car dude and it fucking blew up dude they had they had
detectives there the next day like interrogating the scene oh my god yeah it was a it was like an
antique car though so the guy who owned it hadn't used it in a really long time it had like a cover on it yeah but dude yeah he fucking the car fucking blew up dude whoa yeah that's a pretty
cool sight something you only see in movies yeah i mean he was asian dude so it all made sense
yeah but he dude even he like refused like that he did it really yeah you never caught him
no it was like not me it was like at two in the morning god imagine that hearing a fucking car He refused that he did it. Really? Yeah. You never caught him? No.
It was like, not me.
It was like at 2 in the morning.
God damn. Can you imagine that?
Hearing a fucking car blow up at 2 in the morning, dude?
It's like the fucking Antifa's finally here.
They finally made it to the suburbs.
That would be wild, dude.
If you were about to cream pie your wife, dude, you'd hear a car blow up, dude.
Honey!
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
It's just so funny to think about, like, you think, like, when you get older, dude, you'll be like, oh, you know, that was fucked up what I used to do.
But you grow older and you're like dude i'm so happy i did that
shit oh dude i wish yeah i wish i could still do it i wish i did more honestly because you don't
realize when you're a kid you're not gonna get in trouble for anything yeah like you really can't
as long as you like honestly even if you killed someone the chances of you getting in real bad
trouble yeah are pretty it's like 50 50 especially. Especially in like a small town, dude.
Yeah.
Like if you launch an RPG at a house, like the chances of you going to jail are pretty slim.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Super small, dude.
Super low chances.
Dude, all that shit, you know, I feel like my childhood or maybe I'm different, but I was so scared of getting in trouble.
I would do shit and then be terrified that I was going to get in trouble for it.
My kids, if I ever have them, I'll be like, dude, just be a good guy.
Be a good person.
But before you're 13, you can't really get in trouble for anything.
Yeah.
Like just don't kill anybody or hurt anybody.
Yeah.
But like,
Hey,
you want to fucking,
you know,
spray paint to like a government building.
Go for it.
You know,
do it.
Yeah.
I mean,
dude,
the world is your oyster.
So it's like,
exactly.
People are going to be throwing shit,
man.
Yeah.
You know,
but even now, dude, I don't know what it is, man.
Like, I always want to like play catch and stuff.
I don't know.
Dude, you know, dude, I love.
Yeah.
You played baseball, right?
Yeah, dude.
I was seeing this girl for a little bit.
We went to like we're hanging out one night and we were going over to Astoria Park.
Just like she's like, oh, let's go sit in Astoria Park.
I was like, I like there. So I was like, like oh let's go sit in astoria park i was like i liked her so i was
like yeah let's do it um and i was like hey do you uh did you play any sports in high school
she's like yeah i played this but i played softball and i was like oh do you still have a
glove in your apartment like me and she was like no i think i threw it out and i was like god damn
i was like i wanted you to bring your glove we would fucking throw a baseball around yeah and she was like i have no interest
in doing that are you crazy and i was like damn dude that would be sick i used to hit up my boys
i'd be like dude you want to meet up in the dollar tree parking lot right now and throw some fucking
hail marys dude never once did i ever get an answer like i never just would never respond ever
answered like not even one time sad dude there's nothing better yeah nothing better than just you
got a football we'll throw some hail marys after this yeah dude we should do long toss
on the main road i would love it yeah that's real risky behavior too makes you feel alive
all right you know makes you feel alive yeah just purposely like overthrow each other oh god
yeah just chasing it down the story of boulevard some fucking greek dude just starts blind firing
in the air dude oh yeah yeah those long tosses on the streets always made me so nervous but
what an adrenaline rush oh dude i used to literally i had a wooden baseball bat like an mlb
size baseball bat and i would just take like a fucking i was like a rubber ball and i would just hit the ball as
hard as i could at this portuguese dude's house and he lived like 50 feet in front of my house
and he would watch me from his window not me not me yeah but dude he uh his daughter was so hot oh he fucked up and i would always imagine her like
washing like looking out the window and be like that's who i want my fucking boy bad boy
my dad doesn't approve that's my guy right there like you fucking pussy
come on stop rose let's go Fucking never met her once, dude.
But, oh, man, she was so hot, dude.
I always imagined, like, meeting her, too.
You know?
I think she was, like, four years older than me.
Four?
Yeah.
So I think she graduated high school when I was, like, a freshman in high school.
But, dude, honestly, no.
I think she was actually still in high school when I was there.
Nice.
And I just remember seeing her one day, dude, and just being like, what could have been?
Hey, we're neighbors.
She's like, yeah, I know, Dad.
You're fucking hitting all these balls at my dad's house.
Dude, hot neighbors, man, are the best.
Yeah.
Because you just think about sneaking into the room at night and playing fucking, you know, charades and shit, dude.
Yeah.
One time, dude, I was painting leaves with this hot chick who lived two houses down.
Painting leaves?
Yeah, she was showing me how to paint fucking leaves.
Dude, that's classic.
You must have liked her.
I was in love with her, dude.
But she was, like, an's classic. You must have liked her. I was in love with her, dude. But she was like an older girl.
And then like the dudes that she actually liked that were her age rode by on bicycles.
And dude, they called me faggot and like fat fuck.
Oh, show us your artwork, you little bitch.
Oh, dude, they fucking roast me, bro.
Oh, that's tough.
And she just told me I had to go.
She didn't even defend you.
I remember I had a fucking blue
huffy, dude.
I kept that fucking leaf, though.
You still have it? I think so,
yeah. It's in my pants right now.
I carried it in my wallet
20 years in case you find her
again.
That was the best. You think about it.
Yeah, those first loves in middle school, high school.
I think they both have Portuguese husbands now, which fucking sucks, dude.
Just some boring-ass Portuguese dude who just drinks fucking moonshine.
Just like tens his garden.
He's just drinking Corona all day.
What a fucking loser, dude.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Dude. Portuguese women, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Dude.
Portuguese women, dude, are just so beautiful.
So beautiful.
But their parents are so strict.
Like, that's why they're just like, oh, yeah, dude.
They like cancel out of sight.
That's why they're so beautiful.
Yeah.
It's God punishing their parents.
Rewarding their parents for their strict behavior.
Yeah.
It's God's will, dude.
God's will.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I even had a professor dude who
was portuguese bro solid 10 but even she told me yeah okay she was like a mentor to me dude but
she told me like um like her parents wouldn't let her go outside when she was younger jesus she
didn't really have like a good childhood but i was like dude you're hot as fuck like maybe it paid
off you know what i mean yeah but she just missed out
on all those small things damn i mean yeah because they're fucking you know dude we used to like we
used to do paintball a lot when we were kids yeah it was like right around that time it was becoming
popular dude we used to fucking shoot up houses and stuff oh that was really the best dude you
shot up houses with paintballs yeah that's That's hardcore, dude. We were in like, you know, like around the neighborhood.
We would like shoot them at each other.
And, you know, sometimes you hit a house.
Sometimes you missed.
Yeah, sometimes you miss.
And then one lady freaked the fuck out.
She knew.
Around the block, she was such an asshole.
Real, real B-word, you know?
Real bitch.
And she's just unpleasant.
Always so unpleasant.
And we're at the park across the street,
like shooting paintballs.
And then we get a knock on our door.
And meanwhile, like I was friends with like kids
who were way worse than we were, me and my brother, you know.
And get a knock on the door and the lady's like,
are your parents home?
And I was like, yeah.
What's up, Angela, you bitch?
She's like, I need to talk to your mom.
And my mom, I think my dad was home, which is like the worst, you know, for her and me.
You know, it's just like fucking way worse.
And she's like, my parents hated this lady, too.
But my mom would be nice to her.
My dad's like, what the fuck do you want, Angela?
And she's like, your kids have paintball guns.
Can I see the paintballs?
Can I see the balls?
Yeah.
He's like, I'll show you the balls.
She's like, I need to see them because there are paintballs on my driveway exploded.
And I'm going to have to.
It's going to be a thousand000 to reseal the whole driveway.
My dad's like, I tried everything to get it off.
And he's like, you try water?
They're water-soluble, Angela.
And dude, it was crazy.
Dude, that's so crazy.
You used to shoot up houses with paintballs.
Not like really.
We were just shooting each other.
If you do that you can do like maybe
one house and then you have to quit for like a fall like a few months right yeah yeah you can't
just be doing that every night yeah i mean we had i i was friends with like guys who were older and
that was a real like dude yeah we did yeah snowballs snowballs at cars acorns dude i remember
it was them bouncy balls you remember like the little
bouncy balls and then uh dude then they were like it was like not fall not winter middle of summer
they're like let's just start throwing rocks and i was like this is a problem yeah even at like 12
i was like maybe too much maybe too far yeah dude when uh in the summers like when i was in middle
school we used to like camp out in tents and have sleepovers.
And then we would sneak out and we would light bags of shit on fire.
Put them on people's, like, front steps and just light it on fire.
Dude, so my Asian friend was dating this chick and her stepdad fucking, like, hated him.
Like, they would get into it verbally, I guess.
Really?
Yeah, like, this dude fucking hated him.
So we were like all
right we're gonna fucking we're gonna get this guy's house dude bro so i shit in a bag tie it
and my asian friend runs up to the house puts the bag these are plastic bags yeah
it's supposed to be papered oh dude we didn't have paper bro but uh dude i remember my my asian
friend runs up to the house and he's about to light it and i just like see him fucking sprint
dude and bro so we're running down my hill which is like half a mile long yeah and we're like oh
like we're good like we're jogging we're like oh we'll get away like it's all good bro we just see a fucking like white subaru
coming down the hill dude legitimately going like 75 miles an hour bro you just hear
like fucking dude borderline pops the clutch dude and we just start fucking
sprinting dude my fucking wottom Island friend jumps in a bush like he's like
i'm not making it dude bro i've never ran so fucking fast in my life we thought it was her
like her father yeah stepdad and it was just like a car just a random car dude what an exciting rush
dude the car was literally going 75 in like a 15 run.
Oh, my God.
It was crazy, dude.
It was a stick shift, though, so you could hear it coming.
So we were like, dude, fucking God damn, dude.
Yeah, dude.
That's a rush, though.
That adrenaline when you're like finally get to safety or like behind a tree or something.
Oh, yeah.
You're in someone's backyard.
You're like, all right, we're good.
And then you got to pee immediately. Anytime you hear a stick stick shift here dude it's like it's over it's flashbacks
yeah like Vietnam all right dude well um what do we got oh yeah how we doing a little over an hour
man is that what you usually do yeah um yeah man thanks for coming Thanks for coming, dude. Dude, thanks for having me.
Yeah.
I mean, I did your podcast, if you guys want to check that out.
I mean, that was a few months ago, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you guys, can I do plugs?
For sure, dude.
Let it rip, dude.
Was that you telling me to do plugs?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can follow me at Dylan Krasinski on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok.
And then I do a podcast with another comic, Ray Zawadny.
It's called Troublemakers.
Those are out every Wednesday.
Just search that on YouTube, Spotify, wherever you listen.
Yeah, and I did that.
So if you guys want to check it out.
It's a great episode.
Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Good time.
Yeah, I haven't had the podcast in a few weeks, man.
Really?
Yeah, if you guys, you know, enjoy the podcast or whatever, you know, keep doing call-ins and stuff, you'll get this episode.
That's why you only had one question.
Yeah, I think people are just giving up, dude.
I don't know.
You guys can always call in and leave questions, and then the Patreon members will get this like a few days early for a dollar a month.
That's nice.
All right.
Thank you guys.
And thank you for coming, bro.
Thank you.
Appreciate it, man.
Thanks for having me.