The Johnny Salami Podcast - Elle Orlando

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

Elle Orlando by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Hello. All right, we're good, dude. We're fucking in this, bro. Hell yeah.

What were you saying, though? Like, I read that, well, it was also, I this, bro. Hell yeah. What were you saying, though? Like, I read that. Well, it was also, I think, bullshit if you put your hands like this, like in a business meeting. People will respect you. Damn, dude. And I was like, huh, interesting. And I'm like, wait, can you do it and see if I feel anything? Who told you this?

I saw it on Instagram. Really? Yeah. Damn, dude. You might be getting lied to. No, 100%. Yeah, because me and the boys, we used to do that. That's like the symbol for pussy, dude.

I'm like Batman signaling to men. Yeah, you're doing that in business meetings, dude. Yeah. And guys are like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude, even in elementary school, we used to do that. And then we would do that for like gay sex, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

And I love how the kids these days, they do this. Is that what they're doing? What? Is that what they're doing? Yeah, they do this as in like, I think when they're sad or emotional. Oh, really? They do this. Shit, dude.

And I'm like, you don't even know. Dude, I was at a show recently and I was talking about Shads and Brads. And this drunk woman started like, she was going like fuck this fucking plants in the way but she was going like this and i i called her retarded but i didn't know i was like dude your wife is like special needs like i was i was like telling her she takes the short bus and stuff yeah i didn't know that kids were doing this like chads are doing that now you know oh like was she special needs i haven't i never confirmed it she was so drunk she could anything could have been possible yeah she was like making sounds

and stuff but i looked it up afterwards and like like you know how like chads used to like do that thing and stuff yeah yeah that might be the new you know this thing yeah well it was like it was literally like cerebral palsy like oh oh people used to do that too like with like to pretend like they were like retarded yeah yeah retarded they would be like and like what dave chappelle did during his special oh like oh with the arm with the bent arm. Yeah. Literally that in seventh grade. I can't believe he did. That's cool. Yeah.

But I don't know, man. I just feel like out of touch, you know, when kids are dropping moves like that. Yeah. And you're like, well, it's kind of nice to know that people are still calling people like retarded. For sure. Yeah. It's really picked up steam. Like.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It used to to be bad like a few years ago and now i feel like people just kind of gave up you know thank god i know i never was like this this is not a battle you're gonna win no no way there's no chance top three Dude, retarded, and tits. Yeah. I mean, dude, retarded, and yeah. Dude. Yeah, you say dude a lot. I do say dude a lot. But I think I say it more because I get really nervous about people's names, even though I do know your name. That's good.

It's Jake. No, Johnny. But it's. Dude, I thought you were fucking casting spells, dude. I thought that was, dude, that sounded like you were, that sounded like a spell being casted, dude. Yeah. I thought you were doing the pussy symbol.

Yeah. But, but yeah, I think I over, I definitely use it as a crush crud as a crush as a crutch yeah to you know how some people like swear a lot yeah and it's it's kind of like that and i need to stop doing that that's what i thought and then i was like you know what dude just you keep saying i like saying dude dude is such a cool word because, like, you can tell a whole story just by saying dude. Dude. Yeah. Absolutely.

It's like I feel like I'm there right now. You know exactly what happened. Yeah. There's so much, like, so much power to it. I think so, too. And I think, honestly, all the girls I grew up with in the Midwestwest like all the girls were always saying dude like that was wow so it wasn't just me it was like the people i grew the girls i grew up with they're all like dude dude dude and so i was like this is the cool thing to say so they transform you

into what you are today pretty much that's fucking sick 100 yeah and i think if I wasn't raised in a place like that I feel like people wouldn't think I'm like gay you know that's exactly what someone who says dude would say yeah yeah

dude girls from the midwest are like different like I don't know what it is those are the only girls that ever message me. And they're fucking crazy. No, you get the bottom feeders of the Midwest. Oh, yeah, for sure. Your DMs are so funny. Oh, yeah.

I send you all of them. All of them. Yeah. Yeah. They're great. Like the girls. I mean, it's kind of your own fault again, because you're like, I want a girl I can like fart with. And it's like, yeah, yeah, those exist.

Those very much exist. Yeah, I mean. You know what I really think, though? You need once you find a relationship, like once you find someone, you don't have to like lead with the farts. But like it should be, you know, you don't it should be unsaid that there will be farts yeah you think i should hit him with like a sneak attack yeah i think once you get to know each other you could let dude right yeah no you're right that would make it more funny too like especially on like a serious date If we were like a restaurant or something, she's like,

so like, what do you do for work? And if you want to do it on the first day, honestly, that's dude. A first date is like a 10th date for me. If I can make it like 40 minutes and do a first date, I'm like,

dude, this is a fix. I'm texting my mom. I'm like, you fucking made it. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's so sad. I'm like, you fucking made it, dude. You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah.

That's so sad. I'm sorry. Wait, no. What do you mean? Like, do women leave the date? A few have. I told you that story. Yeah, I told you that story once about that girl who had, she had emergency surgery.

Emergency brain surgery. I forgot about that that's so funny dude that made me so sad bro i know but eventually it is that's one of the best stories i've ever heard. I can't believe I forgot about it. Dude. Dude. That was wild. Emergency. Yeah. Cause I honestly thought she was like, just trying to like,

I thought she felt that bad for me, but I can't believe like I've, I feel like, um, a lot of men have told me that women will leave the date. And I've never I've never done that before. I didn't even know I could. You're hanging on.

Have there been moments where you're like, I'm barely hanging on? Dude, I think. Well, one time I really wanted to. I really didn't like this guy at all. And he was just not funny. He was really off the mark. But he loved comedy. And he was like, he was just not funny he was really off the mark but he loved comedy and he was like he was extremely racist and not and not in a way where you're like oh that was like a funny joke

you're like oh he really doesn't like black people and i I was like, I got to leave. And so when I left, it was two hours into the date. And I was like, yeah, I got it. I got to go. And he's like, I can't believe you're leaving. Did I do something? And I was like, what do you mean? I've been here for two hours.

And he's like, yeah, that's kind of an early date. Two hours? Yeah. That's a long date, man. It's a long date. I don't want to hang out with a friend for two hours you know yeah you're kind of i'm at an hour you better be doing something like entertaining you know we got to be doing an activity if you're ordering food and we're playing xbox i'll stay for like a few hours but yeah you know oh i would do that too yeah dudes only hang around for long

amounts of time if there's like tits around though that's like one of the first questions dudes ask you know like you're you mean like are there like a strip club yeah like every dude's messages a lot of them are just going to be like are there going to be tits there yeah yeah that's like the questionnaire you have to fill out yeah yeah yeah and if that's yes then the boys are rolling through the boys are rolling through i used to have friends who would just be like dude there's like 70 pairs of tits rolling through tonight and no tits showed up that's just how they would like invite people over oh just to get them to come okay the tits i was like are we talking about strippers or just regular okay now just tits bro just regular i'm like dehumanizing women right now and i just don't

even know i didn't even like catch on sorry it's all right it didn't make sense anyway but no i think it was really good i think we're on those something here Thank you I didn't So my mom sent them to me They're actually comfy but they're like really They're like a red flag They say spiritual gangster And like that's not She's just really

Religious and she just thinks It's like You know I don't know like she is like the typical like white suburban mom who would tell you I'm a spirit. I'm a, I'm ghetto for Jesus. Oh shit. So that's like equivalent to like a Bible school shirt. Yeah.

Damn. That's kind of sick. Yeah. It's kind of cool that I'm wearing them, but they're actually like, I ran out of socks and these are comfy. So what are you going to do? I've been looking for socks like that, the striped ones. So I can wear them to the gym.

There's a brand I'll think about and I'll send them to you later. I can't think of them right now. They're hard to find. I went to JCPenney and I ended up getting like fucking shitty pairs of socks. JCPenney. I can't believe they even exist. Yeah, they're crushing it. I mean, that's where i get my stuff so yeah they're not they're not crushing it but that's why i go because i'm like no one goes here like kmart do you think they went bankrupt

oh yeah yeah i never went to kmart that was too that was too much for me i went once i went once just to say I did. You know? That's all you got to do. Yeah. I feel like everyone knew, like even the name Kmart, you're like, this isn't going to last. Yeah. It's such a fucking shitty name, dude.

Such a shit. There's no effort. It sounds like a supermarket. Kmart? Yeah. A little bit. It sounds like a feminist supermarket. Kmart. Yeah. Sounds like a feminist supermarket. Kmart.

K. Yeah. Dude, do you go to the supermarket a lot? You know, I go to Whole Foods because it's the closest grocery store to me. And you know what? I went to Whole Foods recently, and it was during an off time so it was like probably i want to say let's see i think it's 1 p.m it was 1 p.m because all the employees were having their like meetings so you know and no one was in the store and there was i walked past two guys and and one guy's like to the other guy he's like

there's three raccoons at the back of the store we gotta get them now and i was like oh shit oh shit whole foods has raccoons yeah i'm gonna tell everybody 1 p.m on like a weekday yeah on like a weekday damn dude that must have been sick though it was cool i felt like i was um i i was eavesdropping a little bit on the conversation so i felt like i was um i i was eavesdropping a little bit on the conversation so i felt like i was like getting some intel on whole foods dude supermarkets i know it sounds kind of gay but they're like that's kind of like where i like come to peace with my if there's no one there like my mom works at a supermarket and i used to work there oh i used to work at one too really which one it's called sunsetset Foods. Really? Yeah.

They have good deals and shit? Yeah, too good of deals, honestly. It was the bad grocery store. Because if you go to a supermarket that has good deals when no one's there, it's one of the best feelings in the world. Yeah? Yeah. My mom works for Market Basket,

and their whole motto is, like, you get more for your dollar. Yeah. And it's true dude yeah you know yeah market basket yeah you're gonna get kind of like the whole store yeah you're gonna get stabbed in the fucking neck dude but you just gotta survive yeah yeah if you can make it out in and out of the parking lot you're gonna get a great deal dude that's the whole thing with stores with discounts yeah like walmart I go there all the time. Yeah. Like you're going to get verbally

assaulted and probably like a finger up your ass. Yeah. But you're going to walk out with like $75 in savings. Yeah. And then like two weeks of food. Yeah. Minimum. Minimum. You know what Walmart has that no other place

sells? My favorite steak sauce it's it can also be used as barbecue sauce it's called country bob's wow barbecue sauce and it's it's good and then on on the package it says um christ is our ceo oh shit it's good stuff damn dude yeah that's how you know it's good. So religious people probably get a like barbecue and shit? 100% because it's like all country people all southern people. Yeah.

And that's like barbecue is like so fucking good and there's none in New York. Yeah you might I mean yeah dude it fucking sucks. Where are you from again? Pittsburgh? No. Pennsylvania. Maryland.

From Rhode Island. Maryland was close. Yeah, close enough. I was born in Maryland. I was born in Baltimore, dude. I was born in the fucking hood. You could be born in all of those. Yeah. Well, that's what I tell people when they ask, you know, like I was born in Baltimore, dude.

Oh, I was just in Baltimore. Yeah. Those are my fucking homies, dude. Yeah. Yeah. They're cool. You get born in Baltimore, dude. Oh, I was just in Baltimore. Yeah. Those are my fucking homies, dude. Yeah. Yeah. They're cool. You get mad street cred, dude, if you say you're from Baltimore. Really?

Yeah, dude. People look up to you. Really? Yeah, dude. I've said it to like three people. Like in New York? Just anywhere. Just anywhere.

Baltimore is like, they're like, all right. It's a crazy city. It's insane, dude. Yeah. It doesn't, that, that feels like a giant like walmart to live in you know because it's dangerous well dude you can buy a house there for like four dollars you can just move into a house they won't even care honestly like they want people to live there but yeah the drugs are like insane but yeah yeah, man, I used to, dude, I got laid off.

Recently? No, this is like during COVID. And well, I've been laid off a few times, dude. Same. I've lost so many jobs. And whenever I would lose my job, dude, I would go and work with my mom. Because I could just like get a job. Yeah.

They were like, this guy's on another level. Yeah. They were like, this guy's on another level. Yeah. Like my first day, they were like, yeah, man, like we're gonna have to like jack up this pallet and like bring it across the store. Yeah. So I jack up the pallet and it's like filled with waters. Like it's like seven feet high filled with waters. And I'm like dragging it across the store, dude. And I'm like not paying attention

like i honestly saw this wicked hot chick yeah dude i fucking leveled an entire island fucking dude so it falls down and shit just goes everywhere oh no you know it was like sauces and stuff oh just because you saw a hot girl like didn't even talk to her that's so funny dude shit started falling and it like wouldn't stop falling you know that yeah you're like oh my god how yeah dude so i like didn't know what to do yeah and i walked up to like my manager or whatever yeah like he already knew what happened like the whole store kind of knew but he was like yeah man like you got to go call that in and i was like what are you talking about dude he was like you got to go up to the microphone and like announce a cleanup it was one of the like the most awkward announcements ever i was just like

like it was my first time like first time right here like clean up like i was just like like it was my first time like first time right here like clean up like i was just like aisle three is fucking down like i took out like yeah i didn't even know what aisle i took out i was just like yeah we need to clean up on like aisle three through like seven on the left side of the store just like aisle three is completely down like the whole fuck but yeah dude then i like, two weeks later. That's so... But I felt... I kind of felt bad.

I was such a dick, dude. I didn't even, like, care about, like, my mom's reputation. I was just like, dude, I'm out. Your mom's reputation. Yeah. Dude, okay, so the people who work there, I got to do a thing of my inhaler. I just realized. Sorry.

Because I'm allergic to Johnny's dog, so sorry. Oh, you have an inhaler, dude? sorry because i'm allergic to um johnny's dog so sorry oh you have an inhaler dude yeah shit man just gotta like take a hit i don't know it's that bad it's not that bad is that getting you high at all no can we like cut that part out no um definitely gonna clip that oh thank god but all the people that live or that worked at my uh supermarket like when i worked there in high school they still fucking work there and sometimes i'll go back and i'll go in to get some stuff for my mom. And they're all like, hey, do you remember us?

And I'm like, yeah, you don't work anywhere else. Like you. Yeah. They're like stuck in time. It's so crazy. Yeah. They never. I don't know what they do to like keep people there.

I think there's kind of trapped. Well, the thing is, a lot of those people didn't pull pull out yeah i mean there was there was one person the first trans person i ever met was at that job and i i got to witness their entire transition really from david to linda and to me it was awesome yeah because it was a little bit different like over time. And then when and then like when they got, you know, a wig and then they went when they got boobs and then they got, you know, I don't know. It was very it was very cool to me. And then which was so and they knew that Linda was transitioning and then they waited until she was full bloom. And then they fired her for being trans.

And it's like, you guys knew. You guys knew for two years. It was David and Linda? It was David and then it was Linda. So you got to know a little bit of David and Linda? Yeah. Damn, that's of David and Linda? Yeah. Damn, that's fucking wild, man. Yeah.

Because I don't feel like a lot of people get to experience that, like the full transition. No, it's like you usually meet people, they're either like halfway there or they're already, you don't even, you'll have to ask them for a picture. Yeah. You don't even, you'll have to ask them for a picture. Dude, have you seen like a baby reindeer, the new show? Dude. Yes. Dude. Crazy. The trans woman in that, I was rock hard.

I did not. The second I laid eyes on her, I was like, dude, who is this? Did they, did they announce when that she was like trans before because i didn't know she was trans for a long time in the actor or like in the show in the show yeah he uh he said like he joined the trans dating site oh i missed that yeah it was like specifically for trans uh people wow okay so and then i felt good about myself i'm like wow i really i really can believe anything yeah you know yeah it doesn't even matter it doesn't even yeah it doesn't even matter and um i was like dude i was like is this like a chick acting as a trans woman yeah you know what i'm

saying you know there was a time i even looked at her boobs and I didn't know she was trans because I missed that part. And then I was like, oh, you know, like her voice is a little like raspy, but I'm like, that's probably. And then I looked at her boobs and I was like, those are real. I know those are real. Dude, they show her tits in one of the episodes. They do? Yeah. How did I miss that?

What episode? I think I have a screenshot. No way. They're like real tits, dude. How did I miss that? What episode? I think I have a screenshot. No way. They're like real tits, dude. Whoa. Yeah. That's when I was like, bro, I'm jerking off to this. Like, this is crazy.

Well, I think the, yeah, the technology now, like with plastic surgeons has to be at its top. Well, a lot of it is like hormones. Oh, right. That's a big part of it you know like even if you're still a man like and you know you got like the fake titties and stuff you need the hormones to get you going yeah i guess that makes sense because it's like have you ever um seen there's this one like tlc show and it was about this guy who had boobs, but he's a man and he wasn't trans or anything. He was just he just has too much estrogen. And so he technically has like tits.

Yeah, that's like a that's an illness. I think it's like I think it's like a I don't want to call it a disability or like a disease. Not man titties. It's something like it's um yeah i feel bad i know what you're talking about yeah yeah but um too much estrogen too much estrogen so yeah that's interesting yeah my uh my neighbor when i was growing up guatemalan dude had like legit female tits they were like tan too whoa fucking dude i used to like play with them and shit it was great we were best friends like his tits would like they had like

depth dude oh they had like like we both had tits because we were both fat yeah but like his were like lifted yeah dude it was crazy that's crazy wild some of the craziest tits you'll ever see did you make did it make you like confused a little bit about, like... No, because he was Guatemalan, so it was just like... If he looked anything like a woman... Yeah. I'd be so confused. Yeah.

I'd be like, dude, I'll come out right now. Like, I can't even explain. If he like a softer jaw yeah well dude you know like some chicks i mean listen i don't know the science behind i don't know titty science to like that extreme but like you know some tits have like i mean some girls have like saggy tits. Yeah. Like udders. Yeah. And then some chicks have like, you know, perky tits. Yeah. And everyone's jealous. Yeah. Like he's like that.

You know what I'm saying? Whoa. Yeah. That's awesome. Dude, it was crazy. He lost a bunch of weight. I was so upset. I was like, what are you doing, dude?

What are you, you lost it. Well, it's because everyone was making fun of his tits. Oh, yeah. You know? And if you get fat shamed, dude, that'll... I mean, that will, yeah, kick you right into shape. Yeah, I live that, man. You know?

Do you think he... Did he ever get, like, surgery on them, like, to... No. I heard he... I mean, we were always, like, playing with his tits and stuff. I had tits, too. Yeah. But I was, like, jealous of his tits. Yeah. what i'm saying yeah but people looked at us and they were like dude

you guys are so fucking funny together because you're like so fucking fat like just like a fat white kid and a fat guatemalan kid just like trying to make it in the world yeah you know and then feeling each other's tits yeah people just like enjoying it on the way yeah you know but yeah i think that really got to him and his mom was dude to this day one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my life i believe it yeah huge milf and she told me she was like yeah you know he uh he just got really upset one day and just started doing sit-ups and push-ups in the basement damn it we just you know everyone fat shamed him yeah he just got he just got jacked dude i can't even imagine what that's like that that that would really i mean i guess i can't imagine because it's kind of like online did you know um like

some people on youtube will sometimes be like i can see her adam's apple like she's a trans like people call me trans on YouTube and I'm like hey that's kind of mean but it's also like I'm not I don't know I feel conflicted because it's like I don't want to get offended because I feel like that's offensive to get offended but then I'm like I'm not fucking trans why do they call you trans

I think they're just trying to like be mean to me yeah because they're like oh well they say I have a masculine chin, and they say I have Adam's apple. I mean, dude, your butt chin is wild. But that's not like... Yeah. No, your butt chin is crazy, dude.

It's wild. It's kind of like, yeah, it's cartoonish. Yeah. Yeah. But it's... You look like Peter Griffin, dude. Dude, you look like. The way you said that was so like, to be honest, you look like, yeah, I know i know no i just wanted to honestly i feel like since we've known each other i've always wanted to get that off my chest yeah that i look like well no dude you

that's so confusing that someone said you look trans though like it has to be something maybe it's because you just say dude a lot maybe that's, you know, I think there's a lot of like rednecks on the internet that just want to like piss people off. And so it's like they're just calling everybody trans because they just hate everyone. Oh, really? Yeah, but why would they pick you? I don't know. I feel like a lot of... Man, you say the N-word once.

You gotta stop going to those riots, dude. No, I. That would be so funny if I just saw you one weekend. Yeah. Just, I mean, dude, the Midwest, man. The Midwest. They're doing it out there, bro. They are doing it out there.

Yeah. I don't, I don't ever intend on going back. Oh, you got bad blood not necessarily it's just like why would i live there you know it's like you were like um you're like the antichrist right but you used to be and you kind of grew out of it antichrist was that you said you were like the devil dude no i don't think so i don't think I ever said I was well you said you had like extreme anger issues oh I used to have anger issues yeah but that was

I just called you the antichrist I knew that so but that wasn't honestly that was a shorter period of time I think that was it was more like my dad had an anger problem than I had an anger problem than i had an anger problem

but it wasn't um genuine like that's not like in my genuine nature to like lose my temper like that i mean it would be cool if it was yeah like i would love that i would i would be all for that like to sit back and watch dude oh my god dude that's like one of my favorite things to do is just kind of like sit back and i think anger is so it's so funny to watch other people get angry yeah it's one of the best things because you're like it's so you're embarrassing yourself beyond you know repair yeah yeah it's tough but also like I was very calm for a lot of years. Yeah. And it started to hit me like, dude, maybe I'm just like not maybe this is a bad thing that I like don't get angry. Like asexual. Asexual. Doesn't that mean like you only like yourself? Like you're not attracted to anyone. Like you're not attracted to anyone.

What? Dude, what the fuck? What does that have to do with anger, bro? Well, I just imagine asexual people are just like. This all goes back to the gay thing. Anything you say is gay, dude. No, I think you're protecting. No, I just meant like I used to be so calm like i was on like cbd and stuff and i was like exercising and shit and i was always calm like in like 10 situations i kind of still am

but then i was like why am i not getting mad like other people you know like i used to always see guy you ever see a dude like punch a cement wall yeah and break their hand yeah like that's retarded but that guy gets pussy yeah i guess so a certain type like a very i don't think i'm just saying dude it gets confusing you know yeah i think you're on the right path though i don't think you should yeah you shouldn't get angry yeah maybe for like a mature girl but i'm just saying like that intensity like that wild that, that dangerous shit, you know? Like I'm trying to fucking... You want to feel that. Dude, I want to fucking peel out in an Applebee's parking lot, fucking put off some gunshots and get pussy sometimes, you know?

But I know that that's never going to happen, you know? It's just something that crosses my mind. You know what you need to do? You need to jump out of a plane. You need to do, what's it out of plane you need to do um what's it called skydiving skydiving yeah yeah and i feel like that adrenaline rush could maybe unlock something yeah putting my life on the line yeah yeah yeah i think that could excite you and then maybe you could like i don't know rob a after. I feel like that might be make me more calm, though, because I'm just like so grateful to be alive.

You know? Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Because people always ask, like, dude, you ever get mad and shit? That's almost like they want to see me mad. And I'm just like, why?

You know? Yeah. I've been mad a few times in my life, and it's gone terribly, dude. It's gone. Yeah. It's been very bad. That kind of makes sense. Because if you're not mad all the time, the times you are mad, it's like you don't have practice for it.

Also, I think I've just learned from the times I got mad. I'm like, dude, I can't do that again. Yeah. You know? I know. I definitely, if I ever feel like I'm getting angry or something, I, um, I just, you know, I either leave or I don't text back or I just disappear. And that's, that's what you need to do. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm not getting mad, but that's, yeah. Yeah, I still have like a, you know, I am impatient by nature. And so I can get, I think, impatient.

And that can fire up a little. Like about, like what? Like if someone's walking slow or if someone's being. I would fucking piss you off, dude. I walk so slow, dude. Well, it's like you you gotta match the pace of the person you're walking next to and someone who's walking too fast they can't walk too fast either but i think there's a reasonable speed if you're walking too slow you're like right are you even

trying to get anywhere yeah well i walk slow um because i'm trying to like soak it all in but also i'm like not in anyone's way that's what makes me angry is when people get in your way oh totally like i'll fucking you know i'll freak out i mean i won't freak out but like in my head like buildings are exploding and shit you know yeah it's like dude fucking go yeah absolutely that drives me wild or like when people are just unnecessarily rude in public, like when they come onto the subway without letting you leave. Oh yeah. You should like,

I feel like you should be able to like punch the person in the face. Totally. One time I was really pissed and this girl, like she, she wasn't, she came onto the subway before I could get off, and she was holding her arm out, and I just kind of bumped her. Really? Yeah.

Did she do anything? No. That's what I'm saying, dude. I was just like, fuck you. But I shouldn't have even done that. Yeah. I've been dropping shoulder. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's a thing. New Yorkers do that all the time. You have to. it's like you can't you know i'm trying to get off the fucking train to men or women either one if it's a woman i'll spit in her fucking face no it's like dude if i'm getting off the train and people start coming on before i just i drop my shoulder and i'm like dude i'm not stopping yeah you know that i can't keep doing this well

it's also like this is your punishment this is your lesson don't do this yeah also something about dropping my shoulder just feels like I feel like fucking King John the third dude you know you have big shoulders thanks dude no homo no homo have big shoulders, and I feel like I could see you existing in the 1700s. Yeah, like a caveman? Or I meant in royalty, like with one of those capes. Oh, shit. Wow, dude. A fucking cape?

Yeah. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. Wow. Like a king? Yeah. One of those kings who just doesn't say anything. Yeah.

He's just ready to go yeah and then never loses his temper temper and then everyone like wants to kill him because he's not like they don't think he's strong wow well dude oh shit dude i just hit tupac fuck tupac damn dude this is a cool um setup i like all your pictures i Thanks, dude. I like how I angled the chairs this time. For sure. It feels a lot better.

It feels like a whole different world. A whole different podcast. It feels very natural. Yeah. We were talking about eye contact earlier. And you said you can't look at someone who has really pretty eyes. I didn't mean to offend you, dude. Okay.

Well, is it pretty eyes or is it energy? It's happened with a few dudes. So. So. Should I come out? Dude, I don't know what it is. It's not eyes. It's. One of the worst times was uh i was sitting at a table

it happens a lot at tables if i'm on a podcast and it's like very professional yeah and there's like tables and shit for some reason i just cannot fucking maintain eye contact you know like have you ever like has someone ever told you like a shitty joke and you have to like pretend to laugh yeah like dude i can barely do that yeah it's really hard for me to pretend i also feel like the table in a podcast like with multiple people i feel like i can't focus at all yeah like i it really messes me up i'm like i don't know and i'm like what are we even talking about right now yeah like i feel like i my mind or like yeah my mind is like above the conversation and i'm not in it do you know what i'm saying yeah i get so distracted sometimes i forget like one time this dude was he was telling like a really emotional story. Yeah. And he was like about to cry.

And in my head, I was thinking about something wicked immature. Yeah. So I started laughing like wicked hard. And I was like, my bad, dude, my bad. He was literally like, dude, what the fuck, man? Like, I don't know if he cut it out of the podcast, but I was like, I was like, no, man, you don't get it. Like I was thinking about something else. Which is even like more offensive because i'm like oh i was thinking about something else yeah while you were telling like a very meaningful story man yeah you know that's so funny but yeah

thanks dude i don't know i've tried to just like make it relaxed i guess i don't know i mean sometimes you can't help it like i feel like that happens to me all the time. Like where I'm, I'll just be like at a show and then I'll like laugh at something like in my head and people are like, what are you laughing at? And I'm like, just nothing that's going on. Just what are you laughing at though? Just like situations. Really? Like things that happen.

What makes you laugh though? Like out loud, like cat videos and shit. Yeah. What makes you laugh, though, like, out loud? Like, cat videos and shit? Yeah, I think, like, really silly humor and really, I mean, honestly, the, I was watching the roast, the Tom Brady roast. Yeah. And Nikki Glaser's entire set, I was, like, laughing pretty hard. Did that motivate you a little bit? Because you guys kind of look alike. I mean, you look more like Tom Brady in terms of like the chin.

I actually do. Yeah, you have Tom Brady's chin, but like Nikki Glaser's everything else. Dude, you're like half Nikki Glaser, half Tom Brady, bro. That's crazy. Yeah, dude. Sick, man. I'll take that as a compliment. When you see comedians like her, do you get kind of wet? Do you get kind of turnt up?

No, it's not really like a vision or a sight. I'm not like, oh, because it's more about what they say. I think because she is a really funny comedian and like the jokes that she said, I think it's like her jokes that motive or not like motivate me. But I'm like, oh, that's a that's what a really funny joke is. Yeah. And it's it. I don't know. I'm like, that's awesome.

I want to write that. She is hilarious. Yeah. Or like, you know, with with anyone. Right. Do you get a lot of hate from because I feel like women get a lot of hate, especially from men. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, you know, with anyone, right? Do you get a lot of hate from, because I feel like women get a lot of hate, especially from men. Absolutely.

And I'm not just saying that to be like a simp. Like, I actually feel bad sometimes because I'm just like, someone will put up like a really funny joke. Yeah. Like a woman will put up a fucking hilarious joke. Yeah. And there's just a bunch of dudes who are like, fucking. Yeah.

This is why women. They just can't. They just fucking can't. They just can't accept it, dude. Absolutely. who are like, fucking. Yeah. This is why women. They just fucking can't. They just can't accept it, dude. Absolutely. I mean, it happens. Yeah. And it's like, it's at this point, I understand that it's just, there's no win or win situation.

Like if I post something and they don't think it's funny, they're just going to say, I don't think it's funny. And then if I post something and they do think it's funny they're gonna be like yeah but she's a whore you know they're gonna or they just talk about like what's with the brick in the background like they i'm like what are you talking about you got a you got a few bangers, dude, you know? Thank you. Like, you got a few bangers, bro. Thanks, man. But, yeah, I just feel so, it's just like, dude, just be funnier. Yeah. Or just accept it, you know?

Yeah, like to the people who troll. Yeah. I mean, I wonder what that's like, though, to just, like, have that mindset where you're like, wow, this chick is, is like this chick is funnier than me yeah you know or she's like i think i think men even get um intimidated or maybe intimidated is not the word but they they feel insecure because like a woman is pursuing something that's like something and they're just wherever they are in their life yeah well as a fellow dude yeah the uh the big thing is like dudes will be like oh like women only talk about sex and it's like dude half of my act is about like farts and tits no a hundred percent i'm like your favorite comedians they talk mostly about sex but

you're just not thinking about like when you look at a woman you're thinking about sex you're thinking everything she and maybe they do but i don't know i feel like because of that most of my set isn't about yeah well i mean like yeah yeah there are women who will talk about like hooking up with dudes yeah but there's no jokes you know what i mean they're just like probably like new to comedy like there's no setup and punchline yeah they're just telling a story that they think is funny but there's on the other side of the room like there's a fucking dude doing the same thing absolutely he's like i went to this chick's house yeah she had a full bush like i you know it's like dude there's no set there's no

punch line like yeah you're both fucking idiots there's there's so many unfunny men but there's also so many unfunny women and it's not really like a like a male female thing. It's just, I think, um, but the, the numbers are definitely off in standup. So it just seems like, I feel like there's the illusion of like, Oh, all these women aren't funny.

And it's like, well, there's five of us, you know, not five, but there's, there's not a lot. Yeah.

Well, there really is more men even trying comedy than there is women. Like not a lot of women are trying comedy, you know? Yeah. And I think there are a lot of, I think there are a lot of women trying comedy, but it's like just not the same amount as men. So it's like. Also, like not to hate on women, but like you guys just like don't support each other.

No, not at all. Like you guys just like don't support each other no not at all like you guys but i but it's because but it's because of the deficit right because there's not that many women and so when when you do get a spot and when you do feel like okay i'm gaining something you're like you know all for your you get kind of what's like cagey you know or i don't you know, all for your, you get kind of what's like cagey, you know, or I don't, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You get protective of like the things that you are getting because you're like, this isn't going to happen all the time. I think it's just going to be like a time thing. Like it's going to take a lot of time.

For sure. Because it's like if I go out and like talk about like, you know, I do like my fart jokes and stuff like that. And there's a bunch of dudes in the crowd. Dude, I'm going to, you know, dudes my age, they're going to be like, this is what we live for, you know? Yeah. And then like if a girl goes up and she's talking about things that are more girly that other girls can relate to, but there's no girls, like obviously's gonna have a harder time no 100 yeah and i feel like that's it's getting better now because there's so many girls at stand-up shows yeah and so it feels like pretty even oh yeah there have been shows i've been to it's all women i just

completely eat a fucking dick you know what i mean they're like what the fuck is he saying yeah like you know it's great because i think for me if i'm able to make women and men laugh then that's exactly where i want to be like i'm not necessarily trying to like lean to one side or the other i just want to write a joke that is objectively funny yeah you just want to write funny shit. Yeah. That's really all it comes down to. For sure. All right. Do we get phone calls? If you don't mind. Yeah, nobody knows. Like, you're a guest, so just pretend, you know. They definitely do.

I don't want you to feel left out. Okay. You know? Yeah, I don't. Hey, Johnny Slommy. I'm a big fan. This is Alex. Yeah.

slimy a big fan this is alex um so i was wondering um do you ever think like you know like you ever find yourself like getting like gay thoughts right now now here we are here we are you find yourself getting gay thoughts you're like hmm what if i'm what if i'm gay you know and you think you're straight right but you're like what if i'm gay? You know, and you think you're straight, right? But you're like, what if I'm gay? And then, you know, you go and interact with a woman, you know,

because you haven't in a while and you're like, what? Like, hi, everything else is fucking gay.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it's like, so it's like, is being gay really just being lonely?

Anyways, uh, alright. Damn. Being gay, really? Just being lonely? Anyways, all right. This is the perfect question for you. Oh, yeah, for sure. He definitely knows something, you know. Me? He knows something about us.

Oh, no, 100%. I feel like he's reading minds. Yeah, he's very on the nose. Yeah. What do you, I mean, do you ever feel gay? You kind of give off like a little bit of like a little confused vibe sometimes. I'm definitely not confused. I'm for sure straight. But in high school, I was like afraid that I might be gay because I wasn't attracted to any of the guys in my high school.

There was one I had a crush on, but then I was like, I don't know, he was kind of crazy. And then and then I realized like the guys I went to high school with were just like ugly because then I went to college and there were all these hot guys and I'm like, like a lot of inbreds. No, I think they were just like, what was the, what was the look? Hmm.

Just like kind of blubby, like a blob, like kind of, yeah, kind of chubby, kind of like just boring, um, Midwest white guy. Kind of like that. Yeah like just boring, um, Midwest white guy, kind of like that.

Yeah. And very, um, average, I would say very average, but then, but it was also just high school. Like some, some people in high school, they get hotter earlier and some don't. I feel like all the guys in my high school, they became more attractive once they got to college. Those are the best type of dudes. Yeah. No homo. They're very attractive now.

But in high school, I was like 100% no. Yeah. Some of those, like some dudes and some chicks, though, like were in relationships in high school that were like ugly. But they like they held on for dear life and it paid off you know like some people hit college and they just became these fucking specimens yeah yeah you know and you're like dude if only i gave her a shot you know yeah but i am i definitely wasn't attractive in high school really no not even a little bit i feel like you're lying dude not i

saw your baby picture that was fucking hilarious bro my baby which one did i the one where you look like uh mini me mini me dude you put you put up a picture of you as a baby i know but i'm trying to think of the the one oh my god look like mini me the tony soprano yeah yeah yeah that's so funny mini me is so funny yeah um yeah so yeah so what uh you think you were actually unattractive in high school or well i was so i was ugly as a baby and then i got really cute as a toddler and then i kind of looked awkward and then i looked not i just wasn't like a hot girl like you know those girls that always have boyfriends like guys weren't necessarily like wanting to date me it was more of like a dare

it's pretty normal though dude we had this one kid who we would sleep over his house all the time and uh one night at a sleepover we saw he had like this spare bedroom and there was a picture of a baby on the dresser and it looked like a fucking alien dude so we saw it one day and we were like yo what the fuck is that dude like we were all shitting on it we were like dude what the fuck bro like we were freaking out yeah and he was like oh that's my nephew you fucking dicks and then we found out from his mom that that was his baby picture and dude we felt so bad but it was so funny that's so funny yeah he said nephew yeah it was scary though it was like alien versus predator type like it barely looked human

you know what i mean like if i can't even imagine how hard it must have been for him to like go to class and stuff oh my god the other kids must have been like dude i don't know but he just didn't want to get absolutely destroyed but he became like a very attractive like he dude he was crushing it like i have a theory that ugly babies become hot late in life yeah maybe that's just what it is though like they they just made a sacrifice you know it's like that dude from 300 with like the fucked up back what's that you ever seen 300 the movie i have just once in a long time dude with like the hunchback yeah he literally has like a hunchback and he's like i want to fight and the guy the guy's like fucking sparta's like dude fuck no yeah and he just goes on the other side. Does he do well?

He tears some shit up. Yeah. Okay. But yeah, dude. So you, I love how we're just like, the question was about being gay. Oh, yeah. No, I don't think, I feel like if you have to think about it that much, you might be gay. Yeah.

I might be, dude. might be dude you know yeah maybe yeah dude that baby like um yeah dude i remember like i was like dude i wonder if i'm gay like earlier in life and i was just like dude there's only one way to find out like you got to watch gay porn and just see what happens. Right. So I just watched Brokeback Mountain, dude. That's a great movie. And I was kind of chubbed up. I mean.

You know, because Jake Gyllenhaal is just like a good looking dude, you know. That movie made me feel gay because I was like, I love watching guys make out. And I don't know if that's that's pretty gay gay yeah it's like the worst movie to watch if you're trying to like if you're confused oh 100 yeah that's like worse than a porn i think oh for sure because it's like beautiful men amazing setting yeah the build-up is like insane it all builds up to gay sex in a tent yeah too like on top of a mountain kind of wish they showed it oh really you'd watch that i mean obviously it was acting but i just wish they were it wasn't so much of it say you would watch it without telling me you would watch it dude i would watch it yeah i wouldn't watch the the real thing but i would wonder if that is

gay from your side though because like i never watched like lesbian porn i've just never really gotten into it but if i did would that make me gay no really no i think that's i feel like that's like the straightest thing ever that would just make me like a legend. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I strictly watch lesbians just scissor and make out. Yeah. Wait, that's, yeah, I don't know. That would be kind of sick, dude. I might start doing that, honestly. Try it out.

Yeah. I've never tried it either. Honestly, it seems more gay to need a guy in there. Yeah, because that's all dudes are thinking when they're jerking off, too. They're like, dude, fucking don't look at that dick, bro. Yeah, but you have to look at it. Yeah, but you're kind of just like blocking it out. Are you ever imagining it?

Yeah, I'm imagining it's my, you know. But, dude, no homo. I like look for like dude porn stars that i can like actually watch because some of them i just can't you know yeah i'm like this is wild bro you can't watch a certain guy do porn why because they're just like gross oh some of them are like tatted up and they're just like greasy and stuff and i'm like dude what the fuck Yeah. You also want to find a dude who like you can like imagine yourself being. Yeah. Not like a black guy.

Not like a tatted up dude who works at like a fucking gas station. You know what I mean? Like that was rude. But do you mean like like so you have to watch like someone of the same like race or someone that would like it could kind of look like. Oh, yeah. Because if i watch a black dude i'm like dude my dick is not this big yeah it'll never be this big it's impossible dude

i don't even know how it's possible uh it's crazy how can you even enjoy that dude it's like you know it's too big way too big dude um did i tell you about my friend that went on a date with a porn star? No. She, well, I don't know if he's a star, but he was a porn guy. Yeah.

You know his name? No, I don't know his name, but she met him at a gym. And then he said that he does like uh um you know finance during the day and then and then he's an artist during the night yeah and i was like an artist during the night what does that what does that mean she's like well, well, he's in some film. Like the whole, she was like beating around the bush. And I was like, films at night?

I was like, what? And she was like, well, he does, it's not a big deal. And he told me because I was so cool that he would let me, he would tell me that he does porn. And I was like, dude, dude. Wow. Wow. That would be funny if she just like showed you the film like you were expecting, like a documentary or something. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like this is like what? Damn. Dude, tits gets come down. Yeah. Dude, I think that's like, that's like pretty common. For like a guy to be a porn star? Like the whole porn star thing now?

I think there's like a lot of porn stars. No, I don't think. Yeah. Like more common than I thought it was. Because I got followed by a porn star recently. Whoa. Yeah. The video I made where I was jacking off to house hunters.

Yeah. Dude, you want to hear something crazy? Yeah. Dude, saw him spanking. Yeah. The video I made where I was jacking off to house hunters. Yeah. Dude, you want to hear something crazy? Yeah. Dude. So I'm spanking Friday night to this girl. This porn star. Next day I put up that video. She follows me, dude. No. I don't know how it happened. Dude. I don't know if like Google has. Do you ever think that Google google like the government has something in your brain they gotta be looking at my history they're like dude but then i like looked at her instagram and it's like verified like it's literally her what so maybe like google through my video towards her maybe it's a blessing from up above dude maybe uh god is real yeah dude because she's super hot too whoa yeah and i was thinking like dude whatever would i ever like hang out with a porn star and like the answer is yes like for sure yeah you know i mean for sure i think i i think i'm like being a little less biased towards like a guy being a porn star for some reason. I mean, that's what like athletes do.

Like most of the people they like hook up with after the games, like NBA players, like a lot of them are just porn stars. Yeah, but like women, not men. women not men like i feel like i i i'm more like i feel like a a female porn star i'd be more okay with like hooking up well even though i'm not gay but like more hooking up with a female porn star than a male porn star because i feel like a female porn star it's like and they're extremely hot yeah a guy porn star they don't all they film is their dick like they don't yeah they could be anybody but like you'd be like uh i feel like the apex of like hooking up with a dude like for you would be like an nba player like some dude who's like 6'6 you know good looking athletic has a lot of money yeah you know versus like a finance bro who's like five feet tall oh yeah has like small man syndrome

you know he has a lot of money but like if you can choose you're gonna want like a physical specimen for sure yeah 100 yeah well that's crazy so she followed you are you gonna slide into her dms should i be like you like that video that's such a crazy video to like too like from a porn star i don't know man maybe they have like a good sense of humor like i don't know they probably do because that's like the whole video just goes against like, you know, everything a woman wants in a man. No, I think it's funny. I think it's funny. I think it's honest.

I don't think it's unattractive. Maybe she just likes my vulnerability, you know? She's like, this guy's vulnerable. Like, let's get at him. Let's get after it. Yeah. Do you know where she lives or where she's based? I mean, she probably travels.

This is like a very well-known porn star. That's so crazy. Yeah. You have to show me. I will, dude. The Instagram. We will. Do you mind doing like some Patreon?

Yeah. We have some more to. All right. We will. Thank you guys for tuning in, as always. We'll go over to Patreon now. It's only a dollar a month. So. Wow. What a deal. You get a bonus episode and you'll get this episode early with Elle. And Elle, can you tell people where they can find you or anything you want to share yeah um i'm gonna be in austin and um june 22nd and so if you live in austin come to that show it's gonna be great i'm gonna do an hour and it's gonna be fun and then um you could follow me at l orlando i guess there's an underscore

but i feel like you could still find me oh yeah dude on instagram thanks all right i'm just gonna pee dude