The Johnny Salami Podcast - Emil Wakim

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

Emil Wakim by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. There's no intro, by the way. That's great. Have you watched the podcast?

I've watched the podcast a lot, buddy. Really? I'm a fan. Wow, watched the podcast a lot, buddy. Really? I'm a fan. Wow, thanks, dude. Dude, seriously. There's many, many days where I'm going to a set and I'm in like a little like funk. Yeah. And I'll just fucking turn an episode on.

Damn, dude. Yeah, bro. That's fucking sick, bro. Yeah, dude. You're getting, you know, words getting out. Yeah. It's weird because like I'll see you all the time too just on social media. But we've never met dude

So it's like We've never met It's crazy how the world works man Yeah bro You know It's fucking wild I forgot what clip I saw of yours But I was like

I gotta meet this guy Yeah Well it was good to meet you man Yeah buddy Likewise Thanks for having me Yeah I always see I'll see clips of you

And you kind of have like An innocent look to you But it's like hilarious You know what I mean Yeah yeah yeah Like it's hard to Like I know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's hard to, like I grew up with, my best friend growing up, he was Asian. Yeah. And he like always looked pretty innocent, dude.

But he would like blow up mailboxes. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you kind of give off that vibe to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. It's just only a matter of time. Yeah.

I mean, it won't be mailboxes. I'll tell you that, bro. Just hear like three houses blow up. Wait, he would hit him with baseball bats? What would he do? Well, dude, he would, like, people would always feel bad for him, dude, because he's just, like, we both looked wicked sad and, like, innocent, dude. Yeah, he was Asian, dude. He fucking blew up and like innocent dude yeah yeah it was asian dude

he fucking he blew up my neighbor's mailbox with an m80 wait what is that a grenade i don't even know it's not it's not legal i'll tell you that much dude yeah dude we were like uh we were like egging houses and stuff and he was like yo yo get ready to run and i'm like all right dude i'm always ready you know i'm thinking he's gonna like throw an egg you thought it was gonna like poop on the door yeah dude shit on the door step or something dude but next thing you know man i just heard like a legitimate explosion mailbox blows up i run like a fucking 4 3 40 the best you've ever run before in your life.

Well, you wasted your one adrenaline. You know how if a baby's under a car, you have one kind of burst? You wasted it on that guy. There's going to be a mother in the middle of the road asking for help. You're going to be like, nah, dude, I blew it. I wish I could go back and see how fast I was really running. Yeah, totally. Because I was fat as fuck, dude. Straight up titties, dude. And it. Yeah, totally. Because I was fat as fuck, dude. Straight up titties, dude.

And it was uphill, too. Wait, I still got to know what kind of... What is it? Do we know anything what an M-80 is? Do you think it's like a firework? I think it was an M-80. It was an illegal explosive. But he told me he got it from New Hampshire.

Oh, yeah. They're doing it up there, bro. Yeah, he's acting like it's just a firework for Fourth of Julyuly no you just gotta go to indiana you can get up what kind of asian was he did you ever find out no dude i never i never had the balls to ask i knew that there's no way it came up and for sure he wasn't 100 asian oh you know, but he was still Asian. And that's dude, if you're like 2% Asian, I'm like, yo, you're Asian, dude. Yeah. Yeah, bro. I know, I know you mean, Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. I think those are the funniest kids though, dude. The kids that like, you know, they're pretty quiet and shit. You don't really like know

them, you know, they're like hard reads and then they just do something wild and then you bring them out one time and you're fucking that was like the only time you guys invited him out in the friend group yeah it was like a neighborhood watch yeah this is we're hanging out was he in the friend group or was he adjacent oh yeah he was in the friend group for sure i don't know about you man i had like phases where like i would have a different best friend kind of growing up. You know, like it always changed, especially when you got to high school, man. You know, like, did you have any friends that were like, you know, you hung out when you were younger? Maybe did like some gay shit or whatever.

And then that's why you stopped the friendship. You're like figuring it out now you're looking back why did i end that friendship every couple years oh yeah like dude jordan's gay dude no dude nothing that i can i probably blacked everything out if there was one of those um i had a friend i have a friend from middle school that i'm still friends with that we still do like the same shit which is like great every time i go home we'll just like you know we'll get like chinese same shit, which is like great. Every time I go home, we'll just like, you know, we'll get like Chinese food in the neighborhood.

We'll like, we'll watch a good Godzilla movie. We'll get high in my basement. That's fucking sick. Yeah, it's sick. You got like a good man cave? Yeah, no. Oh yeah, my parents have like a little like basement area, like a big, you know, big couch.

We got to fucking. That's all you need, bro. Dude, that's all you need. I fucking, I never had a man cave, dude, but. Bro, you have it right now. You made one. Yeah, but I'm never hanging out with dudes over. I mean the podcast. Yeah, all you need. I never had a man cave, dude. Bro, you have it right now. You made one. Yeah, but I'm never hanging out with dudes. I mean, the podcast, yeah, but you know.

This is just an act to hang out with bros? Pretty much, yeah. But dude, to have a man cave where there's cum stains and a dartboard and shit, that's worth it. It just smells like shit, but you're fine with it. Yeah, so you like the emphasis on cave yeah and i guess man part you know yeah yeah dudes only dude dude yeah dudes only for your sake you got like sports pictures yeah you know like a larry bird picture oh you're so close though all you need is cum stains all i need is friends man and then well it's hard you live out

here it's hard to get people all the way out here maybe yeah nobody's coming out here yeah but yeah where'd you grow up dude chicago suburbs really yeah like 30 minutes out oh shit okay yeah so uh was like uh because like uh is the crime bad out there or no no not really i mean even in chicago i feel like yeah everyone when you say you're from like chicago people are like whoa yeah and then i'm like it's never i think it's only like the south side that people are like whoa because everything else is like so it's because of that movie dude or that show uh shameless dude oh yeah that's why everyone thinks that is there crazy shit going on in there yeah that's i think that's the south side though yeah there's just like a legal shit going on you know no my thing was my i was such a suburb it was crazy but everyone still acted like they were like you know people like i'm from chicago it's like white kids and you know cul-de-sacs and and you have like a lot of um so you're middle eastern yeah my dad's

lebanese my mom's white okay yeah and like does that uh do people bring that up a lot because like uh your comedy is like hilarious because i'll i'll see jokes of yours that i don't know man they just have so much to do with shit that's going on yeah you know i don't even mean that in like a like a cliche way like dude no homo the joke you have about um like religion like uh just being convenient for everyone oh yeah that just makes too much sense thanks Thanks, bro. That's so sweet. I appreciate it. Because I'm always thinking about that when I see chicks who are like fucking,

they're like bending over in front of like a David's bridal. Yeah. But then they got that cross on. Yeah, they got the Jesus piece, dude. And they like use it as like an excuse. And you're like. The girls with the biggest asses kind of are the most like are the most jesus-y sometimes really i don't know sometimes you see it you know

like latino women and shit i guess that's kind of specifically yeah i know what you're saying yeah yeah give me give me a couple more minutes to warm up here and then i'll do it almost it almost makes it kind of hotter though there's something about religion that just gets me chubbed up. Dude, I don't know what it is. Really? Yeah. Like a girl that's religious?

You're like, whoa. Just a girl that can go to church on Sunday and then Monday just give like a blumpkin. Like, that's crazy to me, dude. That's so deviant. That's so crazy. Yeah, it's wild, bro. See, I always steer away because I just go, we're not going to have anything to talk about. Like, I think I was going out with like on a couple dates and they said that they like they like

talking about like Jesus being their savior and I was like I gotta I'm out of this really I can't yeah I just thought it was like a little silly like it just felt like you know no offense when would they bring it up like if bad things happened or just in general I think we're like like we came up like what do we each believe in we were like asking that or something and then she was just like yeah like you know i like believe like in jesus and like i still think that's she said it kind of knowing it was like i know it's like weird nowadays and then i was like she i think she thought she was like no like i'm being honest and i was like i appreciate it but this is oh man we're we're on opposite ends here yeah i don't know i feel like

everything like nobody really knows anything yeah it could be it could be him for sure yeah praise him you know praise god dude praise god jesus jesus saves man jesus does say for real one day dude i'll need it for sure i'm sure something will happen and then i'll i'll find it i'll be like thank god yeah thank god he was white the whole time did you go to church growing up yeah i went to catholic school same dude i went to bible school bro whoa what's that that's extra bro into a presbyterian church are those the presbyterians are no protestants are like the are the like the speaking in tongues right yeah the homeless homosexuals yeah yeah uh yeah i don't even know i was just like i i had to go i would go um you would go to like uh

it was like not choir but it was like music club in the morning bro and i'm like fat as tits like basically full bull retarded and they would just give me these maracas to shake they just they didn't even let you audition for the other instruments yeah they know i wanted to play other shit but they were like this is all you're capable of doing i guess you do like a like a brass instrument you never did like a trumpet or anything i was in the band bro yeah in middle school for maybe two weeks dude i did band um so in middle school like before you got your instrument you actually like got it in elementary school kind of so i actually got it in fifth grade and uh dude i went to pick up my trumpet and they would have like band practice before school started so you'd have to go wicked

early it's like 6 30 in the morning yeah you're waking up all the athletes are doing workouts or whatever oh dude it's like your trumpet basically like an empty well this was dude this was elementary school yeah this was just what's elementary school again that's like fourth through something? Because we just had K through eighth. Oh, really? So I feel like I never know. Oh, you had like a conjoined.

We just had the whole thing. For us, elementary was like K through five. Okay, that's elementary. And then middle was six through eight. Right, okay. Yeah. But dude, yeah. So like I remember joining the band and I decided I was going to play the trumpet.

So they were like, all right, like meet up at 630 in the band and uh i decided i was gonna play the trumpet so they were like all right like meet up at 6 30 in the morning you get your instrument and then we'll walk you through everything so i show up to the elementary school bro there's like a bunch of kids all excited and stuff the teacher's name was uh mr delillo dude we used to call him mr dildo yeah yeah i'm in fifth grade dude i'm saying like i'm saying like pussy like tits like i'm i've got the whole vocabulary you know yeah a to z yeah dude i'm a fucking scholar bro and uh so they like gave us her instruments and the teacher was like all right i'm gonna leave momentarily i'll be right back he was like whatever you do don't touch the instruments dude so i literally put together my trumpet

pointed it at the kid next to me and just blew it as loud as i could in his ear dude and he starts legit crying like he's like in tears he can't hear so he's like he's trying to talk to you he just sounds like fucking helen keller dude yeah he's just like so shocked that any kid would anyone do that built up rage i don't know dude so i put the trumpet back like nothing happened and like the teacher comes back in and he's just like what the fuck like dude he could hear it like all the way in the basement it was so loud and he was like who the fuck did it he just he just saw the kid crying like trying to speak and i was i didn't get in trouble or anything he didn't even tell the kid didn't tell dude he couldn't even speak whoa yeah wow you like really did something i really heard him

how did it did you ever he fucking dude he literally never even came close to me after that. Did you have a problem with him or anything at the beginning, like before this? No, I just thought it was funny as shit. Yeah, you were just like, let me just do this. Yeah, I was like,

dude, this will be so fucking funny. Dude, there was so much of that shit that like in middle school, you were like, you just did it and then looking back as an adult, you're like, damn, that was crazy. Yeah.

We were, we had a vice principal who just like, I mean, like, you know, Mr. Dilda, it's like, they have anything at all off. We're picking up on it. Yeah. And it's like the thing. Dude, now, I mean, do you feel like, because now that I'm older, a lot of people are kind of like, oh, I can't believe I did that. I'm like, dude, I wish I was still doing that. You know what I mean yeah yeah especially when you start to realize how like shitty people are i'm like dude let's run it back yeah you could do the trumpet thing selectively to people and it would definitely help society for sure 100 yeah but after that i got i basically i didn't get kicked out of bend but i got like involuntarily

removed they made you uh resign did had a Christmas concert, dude. And there was like, there was so many people there. It was like, this was like K through eight. So there was like the high school band and us and we were all like taking turns playing.

And when it was our turn to play, dude, like it was like specifically just the flutes part of the song. And I just started blowing my trumpet. Yeah, bro. As loud as I could.

There's no way you should have been in band. They're absolutely right to kick you out. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. So you lasted three weeks. Probably, yeah, because I tried out for basketball, and you can't do both, so I had to choose one.

Yeah, and when the teacher found out I chose basketball, he was like, thank God. Thank God. Do you think you wanted to do, did you, you like have the desire when you were younger to do like theater stuff, like art kind of leaning things? No, I wasn't really good at art, man. Or I guess now that you do standup, I'm curious that if you ever had that when you were younger. No, it took me a while to, um, like figure out the art form of it.

Yeah. So it was always just random like i was always like screaming vagina at recess and like doing random shit you weren't looking to school play yeah screaming penis and doing a penis game no i was always just like farting and screaming random shit totally it took me a very long time to be like all right dude you were a i i you were a you were joe budicek in our friend group. Yeah. I remember this guy. I was that one kid. You were the kid. There's always that one kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were fucking up the bathrooms? Yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean, taking shits. Yeah. I was taking big shits. Were you putting paper towels, wet paper towels on the walls and stuff?

No, I wasn't a bully at all. I was a very like... Well, the trumpet thing is... Sounds minorly... Yeah. Yeah, you're right. No, never mind. Sorry. No, you're right. I was a very like, well, the trumpet sounds minorly. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. No,

nevermind. Sorry. No, you're right. No, dude, some poops and farts. That's kind of all you need.

Yeah. It was very innocent, man. Yeah. Like as far as like being respectful to like teachers aside from that, obviously, but like, yeah,

it was never to hurt people. You're like, I'm just doing bits for my friends. Yeah. I would never like assault people or like, uh, vandalize anything. I would just like fart, scream, uh vandalize anything i would just like

fart scream random shit and that's not illegal you can't you can make sounds and shit people can totally yeah you can't be stopped do you think early on you had a good sense of like the art form of being like humorous no it was the same thing i think we were just kind of obnoxious yeah kids that would be weird if you were younger and you were like that's not there are people that are like that are like i always watched like huey lewis or whatever they'll name some comedian that's like you know black and white that's like like charlie chapman there's no words yeah and they're like that was the funniest comedy to me dude it's crazy it's so crazy it feels fake i don't believe it yeah it's like dude how does your mind work that way you know yeah dude no Borat was like the birth of my mind.

I was like, oh, my God. I felt like I came online to that movie. That was like, I think I started believing in God once that was released. I was like, something's going on. Totally. I spoke like Borat for like three years. Dude, I think everyone did. How old are you?

28. Yeah, I'm 26. It was like, it was right in that fucking yeah dude borat took over and then it became hack now maybe no i'm still i watch it all the time sometimes i'll see like a girl's thing on like whatever hinge or something like a prompt and they're like some it's it's like something shitting on shitting on guys that do borat voices or something i'm like fuck dude fuck that chick dude yeah dude you're right actually no it's good we don't want them anyways oh man still one of the best movies ever 100 there's a lot of like good bloopers too dude and the the old youtube video oh yeah you've been posting those

old youtube videos of it yeah i've been wanting to send you some as soon as i saw you posting i was like oh my god this guy rocks yeah the ones that got like cut out yeah yeah yeah the one way went to like some like a fast food chain called Crystal's. Yeah. So fucking funny. Have you seen the one where he goes to the old, the history reenactment one? What does he do? There's a guy doing whatever, sharpening something on an old wheel. They're acting like it's the 1800s. And Borat just keeps asking him if he's a slave.

And he's like, no, I'm not a slave. He's like, can I buy you? He's like, can you explain this slave like we're not he's like he's like can i buy you he's like can you explain this to him people are just getting so pissed it's so funny yeah i gotta check that out it rocks i'll send you a link after yeah dude that was such a good movie man and like it's weird because like now everyone like hates sasha barrett cowan yeah i don't know i think he's a big IDF guy. What is that? What is that?

Israeli, like, pro, like, military Zionism. Oh, shit. I think he's really. Like the military industrial complex and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I think he's like, I don't even know. He seems very up that.

I heard he's just very, like, he is very liberal, I guess. Whatever that means, you know? Yeah, absolutely. He made that movie that was in Chicago. Isn't it called, like, he is very liberal, I guess, whatever that means, you know? Yeah, actually. He made that movie that was in Chicago. Isn't it called, like, Chicago or something? Oh, yeah, the Chicago 7 or something. It was, like, a trial. After that, people were like, yo, this guy's a fucking pussy, you know?

You think that ended it? I think so. I don't really know, man. After Borat, I didn't really, like, follow him that much. I didn't really watch anything after that. Did you see Bruno? No, I never saw Bruno. Oh, buddy,uno is maybe maybe even

better than borat dude i heard it wasn't that good no i watched it when i was younger like way too young and i remember being like hey watch it on my ipod touch or throwing it away because i saw something that just scarred me uh but then there was like a lot of gay shit in it right there was like a scene of him like twirling like a little like asian gay guy on his dick yeah and you don't really see it but it's just a lot of oh man yeah when you're when you're in fifth grade and you're fucking you're yeah you're like that's crazy dude i think i was just scared of a movie being better than borat you know what i mean yeah i was like you can't it's not possible it makes me laugh more i think like now than bor than Borat. But Borat still wins nostalgia-wise.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. But you gotta watch. I'm happy. I'm kind of pumped for you that you haven't seen it yet. Yeah. Maybe I gotta watch it, dude.

For sure. I think I'm ready now. But before, I just wasn't ready. You know? No, it needs to find you, for sure. What was the show that he did, though? He went undercover and he interviewed different politicians and shit. Oh, Who's America?

That was great, too. I liked that was why was it real was it real that was real people yeah yeah that's crazy that's crazy i'm terrified of ever doing like everyone's doing like prank videos now and shit like man on the street stuff i'm like i would i could never do that yeah well just crazy like those are like uh actual people yeah it's insane yeah the one the one where he's like uh what's i forgot what senator he was like uh fucking with he just like openly like starts being racist and you're just like dude this is this is fucking real yeah there's no or he just calls him like a pedophile or something like roy moore yeah He had like a thing that was like a metal detector, but it was for pedophiles. And he's like, it's 100% accurate. It detects like a gene in you that tells you if you're a pedophile or not.

He did it when it started beeping. The guy got up and left. Well, no, there was one. What? He had some dude like literally like, I don't even know what the fuck he did. He like put a broomstick between his legs, started like jumping up and down. Oh, that guy. Yeah, he said the N word too. He had him say the literally like I don't even know what the fuck he did. He like put a broomstick between his legs, started like jumping up and down.

Oh, that guy. Yeah. He said the N word too. He had him say the N word. That guy resigned. Yeah. He dropped like an N-bomb and then just resigned. Kind of so sick that he got him to do that.

Yeah. I mean, if you're going to resign, that's the best way to go out. Yeah. It's funny that even him, even that guy that's dropping the N-bomb will have a, that's his line. It's funny that that guy even has a line where he goes, right that one you got me he didn't even try to spin it being like the liberal media tried he was like no no i did i ripped that he's just like bombing villages on the weekends he's like no that's that's it when i gotta hang it up i'm so bummed i can't

be drone striking villages anymore oh that's so fucked man yeah that would be like uh not that like i'm racist or anything but if a politician totally if a politician just walked up on stage just paused for like 10 seconds and then just yelled something racist and then resigned you can't say that wouldn't be like the funniest shit it would be like the most honest politician we've ever had people probably wouldn't even laugh they would probably vote for him yeah they'd be like well he talks like we've been waiting for a guy who doesn't do all the politician bullshit it's crazy finally a man of the people yeah we're um yeah man moving here it's crazy because like i was never um I literally never, not once in my life before this was ever, I never witnessed racism at all. And then when you move here, it's just like, fuck it.

It's a war zone, dude. Wait, where did you grow up? Rhode Island. And there's no racism. Is it all white people? No. What's Rhode Island like? I don't even really know if I know.

It's pretty diverse, man, for the most part. What's the city? It's so small that it's like. What's the city in Rhode Island? Providence. Okay, yeah. It's like the comedy connections know. It's pretty diverse, man, for the most part. What's the city? It's so small that it's like. What's the city in Rhode Island? Providence. Okay, yeah. It's like the comedy connections over there and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. But what, you guys just. And that's kind of like in the hood. Everyone's just getting along? Not really, man. But if you're like, if you're like racist, people are just going to like, be like, all right, man, I'm good. Yeah. You know, I've gone golfing with dudes before who will just like uh like i went golfing with

this dude once and he kept screaming he kept dropping n-bombs at the top of his lungs well that's just golf etiquette he was just trying to tell the team ahead to play on hey you guys go we're waiting for a buddy he's putting yeah like i didn't really know him uh yeah he was just like um some rent like it was like two two people two of my buddies and then you get paired with a random so it's like a random dude but he was like it's always that guy he was like from our town and he would just tee the ball up just drop an n-bomb at the top of his lungs. There's people teeing off around. Do you think he saw you guys as a group of friends

and he's like, I got to get in with these fellas? I mean, he was trying hard. Yeah, this poor guy. That's why it wasn't funny. You know what I mean? Yeah, it wasn't cool. He didn't say it in a cool, chill way. You guys can tell this isn't his authentic self

yeah i wanted to give him tips man be like dude just chill out just be yours yeah yeah easier on the first end yeah it's like um yeah man shit like that so like if you live in i can't speak for everyone around but like if if we were hanging out on rh Island, someone drops an N-bomb, dude, it's like it's over. They might fight you, honestly. Really? Yeah. It's because it's like you guys are trying so hard to fight the stereotype that you're probably racist, maybe. So people are really like ready to like be like, no.

Because I feel like New York is actually less liberal than most other places right now. Yeah. What does that even mean, though? What does liberal mean? Because I really don't don't know no it's a good question i don't know i guess like if like i guess if like someone says retarded and someone gets mad that's like a gauge yeah well liberals are like the loosest definition but aren't liberals like open to like innovation though and shit like change is kind of like isn't that like what it's supposed to be but it's actually like the exact

opposite yeah because i think i yeah i'm i like kind of know i feel like i've heard this a little bit but i don't pay attention enough to actually know what people are saying because it's like yeah progressive and liberal are different things yeah i guess where it's like progressive is the one that young people actually like open to change and like improvements and then like um i want like health care for everyone and i want to kind of say retarded sometimes just for fun yeah that's kind of where i'm at politically yeah i mean i think retarded is really it's made a comeback for sure yeah there was a point in time where you really couldn't say it and now you can just openly kind of you know yeah i think that's i think that's more in new york though i think we're we're ahead of other places we're ahead of the curve yeah yeah like we

like you know there was like whatever 2017 everyone got really really like you can't say anything be careful yeah be nice to everyone and then i feel like the world just got shittier. So we were all just like, it doesn't matter. Let's just like have fun in the meantime. Yeah, people just don't feel anything anymore. Yeah, so New York kind of went back. And then I feel like other places are like slightly, you know. Yeah, I mean, there's only one way to find out. Yeah, we got to go to Rhode Island tonight.

Make a docuseries, dude. Traveling around. Just us driving in like suburbs. We have an ice cream truck, but we're just doing that over the speaker. Kids are still running up because they're confused. Yeah, we should get like a purple ice cream truck, dude,

and just like play like Pornhub. Yeah, dude. Full volume. Yeah, see. Just scream retard. Yeah, I'm sorry. You know how many views we would get on that?

I thought we could say whatever we want in this country. That's my bad. Yeah, I wonder how much time we would do. Oh. Is that illegal? I would assume so yeah blast pornography from your car speakers and scream retard out of a purple ice cream truck yeah but you're in your own truck i feel like they would they would at least take us in for

questioning yeah it's definitely like a you know it's definitely like a ticket yeah for like a taillight or something yeah you have community service funny like misdemeanor to have on your record yeah what are you in for nothing just fucking being the funnest guy in my friend group interview the question there was a trumpet i had to fucking yeah just rip it yeah i don't know man yeah that's what i always thought that i mean i don't like follow politics or anything but when you talk to like old people sometimes they're like, yeah, like it used to be different. Like being a liberal, like used to be cool. Yeah, I was just gay. You guys are a terrible organization. Yeah. Because it's like very like lame.

Like now it's just like old Biden-y Democrat people who are like, it's like fake. It feels like fake progressiveness. Yeah, it feels fake for sure. Because they're not anti, like both sides are for this war right now. Like the Democrats aren't even like, we need to stop it. They're like, all right, this one we'll keep doing. Yeah. And you're like, you're supposed to be like the cool, like hippie,

like Woodstock people, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I don't even know, man. It's like,

um, like, what are you, like, what are you going to do though? Even if you knew the answers, bro, I think about this a lot,

dude. I feel like if someone, cause I feel like you and I are cool enough to like sit down with someone who kind of like knows most of the answers yeah you know maybe for like a bar or something we just start talking about tits and shit yeah like well you guys are cool you guys want to know about yeah you guys want to know about 9-11 and shit yeah dude i would love that and then they just tell us everything give us all the documents yeah like what are we gonna do you know i'm not going on reddit with that shit dude damn that's such a good question like do you really want to be that guy like the family party who's like guys yeah because then you're then you're crazy to everybody you're

insane that's the thing is like one of these guys conspiracy theory wise there's so many that like some of them have to be true yeah for sure and there's a guy that is like no dude i worked there i saw the and no one believes him. Everyone thinks he's nuts. Everyone thinks it's just like his racist uncle. Yeah. And one of them, one of them's kind of right. Yeah. Someone's on like falsely on shutter Island right now.

Yeah. Just tell him the truth. Yeah. You know, he worked in like an oil rig or something. Saw some shit. Now he's doing time. Yeah. Now, now everyone just goes, no, you're, they just stamped this thing.

They went insane. Yeah. That's gotta be, that's why I'm like not upset that i'm like dumb because i feel like if you don't know shit it's just like who cares like what you don't know really won't hurt you man yeah and there's no point to being so uh in touch with everything you know yeah it's like what are you gonna do with it oh yeah the more i know the sadder i am 100 once you like start to realize how things actually work it's like fuck this man yeah you know are you uh what do you like daily wise are you like are you getting your news anywhere are you absolutely not no yeah what's your twitter like just fucking i don't even

have twitter nice dude that's yeah i have no idea i guess insecure sometimes because like people are very like well cultured around here yeah you know and they'll bring up shit from like the news and stuff and i'm just like what well it's just like instagram i feel like that's like you know i just like look i'm like all right i got it like i'll just scroll for 30 seconds and i'll be like got it i'm gonna go say an opinion about this loudly oh yeah you know i listen to like 20 minutes of a podcast and i'm like nailed it i got the right stance immediately yeah nobody like checks it's also like how do you check you know yeah you just kind of know who to agree with i feel like on most things you know you see who

falls on what side you're like this is the right one i always go opposite you go devil's advocate yeah because i know people are like people believe Yeah. I remember when I was in high school, I did like a case study. And me and my buddy, we made like a fake Facebook account for news. And we put up these like fake news reports, which I think is illegal. And people would share them and they would just like spread. So like all these rumors started getting spread. And I was like, wow, dude, people really do believe do believe everything they see yeah you did the like original clickbait especially back then dude if i if we knew this all this right now and we went back 10 years ago we

could be yeah we could be millionaires we could be the president yeah for sure yeah oh my god if we knew that you could just put something wrong online so easily knowing that everyone's gonna bite it yeah yeah i wonder if like books are like that though too like i always like trust whatever's in a book because i'm like oh well it's like they printed it so it's like that there's more steps to like making sure it's legit but there's no way that that's there's definitely like lies in books right dude i think about that all the time yeah because there's so many people around here who like read on the regular. Yeah. And it's like they'll read like some fucking like woke novel about like some pussy shit. It's so funny that like you do you are like liberal and progressive, but then just like

the frame of you with an ACDC poster behind you and a Dunkin' Ice coffee being like, yeah, they'll read some fucking woke novel about some pussy shit. We both have mustaches. We're both just like, yeah, dude, no. Oh, dude. I like to go back and forth, you know? Totally. No, I'm the same way.

I'm going more in the middle now, and it's been fun. Dude, the middle is so much fun, man. The middle's fun, yeah. Because you don't care. You don't care, and it also just bombs online. That's what I'm what i've noticed now i'm trying to be more in the middle thing it'll be less divisive dude both i have people on both sides now that just hate my comedy fucking hate it dude it's the best oh man it's crazy if you say you don't vote oh my god they'll lose their fucking oh dude i'm like that's bold of you to because like someone asked me like who are you gonna vote for this election and i'm like i don't think i'm gonna vote honestly yeah and they were like and i was like don't fucking act like that's a crazy stance to, because like someone asked me like, who are you going to vote for this election? And I'm like, I don't think I'm going to vote, honestly. Yeah.

And they were like, and I was like, don't fucking act like that's a crazy stance to have. Like everyone's like, this is bullshit, you know? Yeah. It's crazy. I don't know. Fucking RFK. Is that a guy?

Is that even a thing? Yeah. They won't even let him on the debate. Oh, they're not even letting him? Yeah. Isn't it crazy just because he has like a voice thing? Like he just won't be president? Just because people will be like, no. I think he just he just knows shit i mean they killed his whole family so he definitely

knows some shit his whole family's just dead dude he's trying to make a comeback that is so crazy that he is is running for president knowing that what's going to happen eventually like the second he gets sworn in yeah he's getting sniped he's getting the cyanide tab or whatever on the bible when they when he has to swear on the bible oh yeah first day dude 100 yeah there's gonna be bombs going off yeah it's so much fun though man to just like fuck with people yeah like when it comes to that stuff if you don't care obviously yeah you know but yeah dude i think about that all the time like we're saying about reading it's like that's the same thing man like somebody can like write a novel that's just complete bullshit yeah we just assume because it's old that it's real it's kind of like religion we just kind of go no but that was

yeah that was printed and it was hard for them to do that back then they had to have a guy with big sideburns doing this all day or whatever you know yeah how did they even like who wrote the bible was just like a bunch of like fucking pilgrims dude yeah dude it was it was just a bunch of fucking it was a bunch of bros dude it was like me and you and they would just walk around and just it was like if me and you had like a really cool friend who was like probably pretty dope yeah and then we were he you know fucking killed him and we were like dude fuck yeah know, he fucking killed him. And we were like, dude, fuck. Yeah. Remember that thing he said?

And then you go, you know, he said it this way. And then we did that. And then somewhere along the line, someone was also like, and also write down that we should have slaves. And someone was like, good note. Put that in. Yeah. The Bible scares me, though, because there's so many like there are actually like some valuable lessons where i'm just like wow that makes too much sense dude how did they know that

back then you know 100 do you have one in mind specifically uh yeah it's called anal in the infield yeah it's called if the river runs red take the dirt road home. I think is Corinthians To in the pink one in that one in Dallas to stink Yeah, I used to make a Bible verses all the time doing Bible school to used to have to like memorize the verse Oh, it was like that and then you would come in Nobody would remember them. They were just bring like note cards and shit I would just like make shit up though and they were like dude you fucking serious right now Was it like show-and-tell they'd be like go like read note cards and shit. I would just, like, make shit up, though, and they were like, dude, are you fucking serious right now? Was it, like, show and tell?

They'd be like, go, like, read, like, this part and come in with your favorite? You had, like, legit classrooms, and you would just read shit from the Bible. Whoa. But they really wanted you to, like, memorize verses and shit and share them with the class

and, like, what it meant and stuff. See, that's actually kind of a nice idea. We never did any of that, but I feel like that is closer to, like, whatever strict religion religion you're going by there's obviously nuggets of it that are good it's like all right at least like read the book and be like what are you thinking about by this we'll do the fact that you expect a fucking like fifth grader to understand like old english is fucking crazy it's crazy i read the bible right now i wouldn't understand anything i tried to reread it like over covid being like oh like i'll be able to like do a bit and be like i read the Bible right now, I wouldn't understand anything. I tried to reread it, like, over COVID, being like, oh, like, I'll be able to, like, do a bit and be like, I read the Bible and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. And then I, 20 pages in, I was like, fucking redundant. Yeah, you need, like, a fucking, what is it, like, white notes or some shit? Dude, it's so, the pages are so thin. Remember every time you touch a book, you're like, oh, that's not that bad. Then you touch it, and each page is, like, five pages. That's crazy, man. Yeah, it's how they touch it. And each page is like five pages. That's crazy. Yeah, it's nuts.

Dude, I remember, yeah, like as a kid in Catholic school, I remember we were never really, I definitely was scared of God. And I was like, oh, I like need to go to heaven. So I should be good for that reason, just out of fear. But then we never actually implemented it. We were just like, I remember there was like a poster by like the water fountain one time that had like a bunch of the new priests that were coming into the parish. And one of the priests name was like vaginist or something. And we just like started being like, oh, fucking father vaginas or whatever. And then one of the teachers like found us.

And so I was like pointing at the poster and laughing. And it was like, you guys are going to hell for this. Like it was just a whole it was crazy. Yeah. The whole um the whole cult thing kind of freaked me out a little bit yeah because i would always be like dude why do i have to come to church like why can't i just like keep this between me and my my boy upstairs right i'm saying did you think you back then were you like ahead of it enough to be like this is like a little shady uh no i just like i don't want to be here right now yeah that was like the only thing i was just like i can't wait for this to be over with dude we had kids that would pass out in church intentionally they would do because

did you guys do stations of the cross during like easter time no we did that during like or during lent i guess every like friday we would have church but then it became stations of the cross so it would be like fucking you'd have to like stand up and then there'd be the kneelers and then stand up whatever and then this one kid but this one kid fainted like naturally because it was like really hot in there in the church and like we had to go up and down up and down so he passed out and then all these teachers rushed out and took him out so then like one of our friends was like oh got it and would start doing the thing where do you remember the thing where you'd like you'd like do like this like on your thumb you'd like blow out for like 10 seconds and then you put your chin down and you'd like breathe really heavy for like five or

something and then you'd like close your eyes to what type of church are you going to dude well it was it was like a thing that some older brother told a kid like you know hey this is how you can pass out holy shit and then he started doing it and he would just fucking hit the pew like you would just hear like a huge thud yeah this kid made himself pass out like three three weeks in a row dude i remember that now yeah you would like put your thumb in your mouth yes yeah yeah yeah yeah people do that. That was like a move people figured out. Yeah.

Kind of banana. I don't know what those kids are up to now that used to make themselves pass out. Yeah. It's crazy like the thoughts I would have. Like, dude, do you have any like titties that went to your church? No, nothing. I remember the chicks that went to my church. Dude, that's awesome yeah there was

this one girl man who was like super religious and she actually knew a shit ton about the bible and stuff and she would actually like do a lot of speeches and i remember one speech i just completely zoned out on her tits and i like actually like thought about what i was doing like dude this is so fucked yeah this girl's talking about like her faith in god and stuff and i'm just like wow those are some diesel tits yeah those are nuts yeah heaven is real oh my god it made me believe yeah but dude um i don't know man sometimes i feel like we're in like a simulation though because like i never kind of like got like brainwashed into anything so it's kind of like i wonder why you know you know it was just too stupid to fucking

you never even believed in it when you were younger um there were moments where i was like yeah yeah i had a few like uh experiences where i was like yeah i totally yes you saw some huge cats and you know man he does work in mysterious ways that's crazy i saw some chicks ass crack i was like god is good dude dude and all the time god is good yeah there's just sometimes man where shit will happen i'm gonna be like oh dude there's gotta be something out there yeah you know like a couple times a year yeah i think most of the time i'm kind of like a little calloused like most of life you kind of have to be like a little just like you know you're just on the train you gotta just fucking put a guard up yeah but then sometimes it'll seep in and i'll

just fucking i'll like cry on a flight just dude i've been crying on flights like crazy have you been doing that no i've flown maybe three times really i flew by myself for the first time like a few weeks ago oh Oh my God. It was an emotional rollercoaster, dude. And you didn't even cry for that. Nah, I almost cried actually on the takeoff because I thought we were going to fucking crash. Oh, are you scared of flying? No, I took a fucking breeze airline plane, which is like spirit basically. They had never even heard of that one. Yeah, exactly. Just unheard of. Dude, you were right by LaGuardia. You got to. Well, I flew out of Rhode Island, but yeah, when we were ascendingending I was just right next to the wing and it's like shaking and shit I'm like dude this is it yeah you know

that's crazy because not flying is and then just getting on an airplane is bananas for sure yeah it's definitely like my pants yeah it's kind of crazy that more people aren't more worried oh yeah yeah it's crazy man to that we can even do that yeah sometimes I am I'll. Sometimes I'll go through periods where I get really nervous when there's turbulence, and there's other periods where I'm kind of like, dude, if it goes down, I can't even. That's the other thing, dude. If I knew a plane was going to go down, I wouldn't start praying, dude. I would immediately start spanking. Yeah, I was going to say.

There's no way I'm praying, dude. Yeah. I'm going to find the nearest pair of tits and just start ripping it. Like, why? Why wouldn't I? That's a great point, honestly. They're just like, yeah, it's just turbulence. Sorry, actually, guys.

We got it figured out. You've come under your chin. You came under your chest? That's one of those where you don't even care? Yeah, dude. Fuck, that's crazy. Yeah, you definitely wouldn't go to the bathroom if the plane was going down.

Like, just shit right then and there? I was going to say to jerk off. Like, you wouldn't even spare. You would just go. Oh, no way. If you know you're... I mean, dude, think about it. You know you're going to pass away these are your last it's so funny it's like

a girl next to you was like do you want to have sex one more time before and you're already what no no get away from me like a pervert do you think like chicks would say that you think they'd be like no i don't think at all i think i think we would be like oh my my mother you know how women get people are on the phone with their families i gotta talk to my son no i think every guy would be like yeah let me buzz real quick and every girl would be like let me call my grandmother let me text my grandmother. Let me text my best friends and tell them how much they mean to me. And we'd be like 69 in the aisle.

Yeah. Yeah, but dude, yeah. Do you think about how you'd want to die ever? Yeah, I have some like really immature thoughts um i did say last time like i would want to like um i said i wanted to set up like propane tanks in an open field in the shape of a dick and just shoot each one individually are you in the middle of it i'm far enough away to not for like to not die so like all of them explode until i get to like the shaft and then that's how i'll go out that'll be the cum shot like a king yeah that'll be the cum shot yeah and then i'll have like an aerial drone recording it yeah put it on

like facebook yeah you'll have a red bull logo on your t-shirt yeah yeah that'll go on patreon yeah just like a strap on johnny was so cool even till the fucking end dude that's crazy yeah no one would be surprised people would be like yeah i know that makes sense no i honestly the track so much yeah i've always yeah it's your last moment dude like why are you yeah i've always wanted to do that i think from video games to just shoot an oil drum and i don't i don't know if it'll act does it explode uh yeah for sure yeah fuck that's if you if you shoot a fucking propane tank with a shotgun it's gonna fucking do something dude were you guys did you guys have guns growing up was there like any of that do you have uncles or anything like that absolutely not really no if i had a gun on

my hand dude that would be not that would not not be true. This podcast wouldn't exist. Yeah. Where I'm from, it literally doesn't make sense. You could be like the most hardcore right dude. Yeah. It's just like, you just don't need one, you know? Even because there's no like, there's no cult, there's no hunting culture or like, you know, woodsy kind of guys.

There's like sticks kind of, but it's just like, it's kind of like wannabes, I guess. And I might get some hate for saying that, but it's like, dude, you can drive across Rhode Island in an hour. Really? So you really can't say that there's like, you know, like a Southern vibe to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you get out on the sticks. It's just like, basically just like rural, you know?

Right. So you're like, yeah, you're racist guys aren't even like, they're not even like intimidating or anything. There's nothing really going on. The ones I've talked to, it's kind of like they probably watch like the fishing channel and shit and they like see people down south. Yeah. But like if you, if they came face to face with mother nature, they're not, you know. Whoa.

Yeah. They're not racking up. Yeah. No. Like dudes down south, like they'll see like a snake or something and just fucking grab it by the neck. Yeah, bro. Just fucking, you know. Yeah, dude. Just just fucking right there that's when you know man yeah your reaction when there's a snake around is for sure yeah where you grew up oh yeah if somebody saw a snake in rhode island they would fucking literally kill themselves like a gun so they gotta figure

something else out yeah but chicago there's I mean, you guys have like actual suburbs. Yeah. We have like actual suburbs where it's like, I don't know how Rhode Island was, but it's like every time I like go like New Jersey and I see a suburb, I'm like, oh yeah, this is like the Midwest. Like, I feel like it's just the most common vibe of a suburb. Yeah. There's like a high school.

There's like a little strip mall, you know, there's like a, whatever, a steak and shake or whatever the equivalent is have you ever been down south at all yeah what was it like when you went um well i went to school in indiana and then but like the the town the college town was like super liberal it was bloomington but then like right outside of that was like southern indiana so it was like crazy why'd you go to school down there um that's a good question i, I like got into this school and I was like, it's like good on pay. Like my parents were like, okay, that's good. Like my parents wanted me to go to med school.

And then I was like, that's not happening. No way. So then I got into this school that had like a good business program. So that was kind of my way to like negotiate to like let me go there. Yeah. And then I also just kind of wanted to go out of state a little bit. It's pretty sick. Yeah.

What was it like living down there though? I loved it. It was nice. The town, I mean, it's like, you know, it was like you were in a bubble. It felt like a college town slash like a cute neighborhood in Brooklyn kind of. Yeah. Like it was like very, it was kind of like how you were explaining Rhode Island where it's like people were like really like we are liberal and we're fighting it was kind of some unaware out of touch white liberals that's kind of like the

meme almost kind of portland vibes you know white ladies with dreadlocks okay i'd say there was a lot of that wow yeah that's fucking and then some really cool people as well but yeah yeah because i went down i went down south for the first time for my uh my brother's wedding dude whoa and it was in the like the middle of florida and i don't know if you've ever been in the middle of florida dude it's fucking weird bro yeah that's what i've heard it was the weirdest place i've ever you ever go somewhere dude and you're just like this doesn't feel right? Yeah. That's what it felt like. See, I feel like you could, you would blend in, like you would just be like, because you're like, you know, you're fucking buff. You got a mustache, like you're, you know, you look like you could be their son.

Yeah. When I say you ever go somewhere and you're like, yeah, these people are definitely racist. Yeah. That's how I would describe it. Yes. But like legitimately like racist you know what i mean they're like going to meetings and stuff i think so yeah yeah like i kind of felt like if i went into the woods there's a chance i could see a meeting whoa it

was dude why did he get married down there um just for the culture. He got married in like an orchard, dude. Oh, shit. Well, it's probably a plantation. Yeah, dude. I didn't see any of the workers, but dude. Orchard is a good rebrand. It was so weird. It was just like all the schools were locked up.

Like they had like, I mean, kind of like around here. Yeah. But in Florida. So it's like you're in the suburbs, but they're still locked up. And it was like during the year. You you're like there should be school for sure that's what they're different different down there man damn that's crazy yeah i would never i can't even imagine living down there and it was like i went to a gym we got like an airbnb or whatever and i was like i'm gonna be here for like a week i gotta like work out and shit

and i went to a gym dude and it was just like, I felt like invisible. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, actually, wait. Like I walked in and like, even, you know, like sometimes around here, like you'll meet someone and like, it's almost like you're not there, but you are. Yeah.

Like they kind of know you're there, but they just act like you're not. Yeah. That's kind of what it felt like. So they didn't have like Southern hospitality at all either they were all just kind of like bath salted out yeah and that's what i thought it would be i thought i would go down south and everyone'd be like hey how you doing yeah you're like i thought i was gonna be the fucking king here dude yeah with your calves out bro yeah dude but it's just like this just emptiness dude where crazy shit happens you know there's something about around here makes sense Because there's so many people

But when it's empty You know it's kind of like It's just people spinning out on their own Yeah It almost I guess it makes sense too though Because people who are lonely Tend to spin out too

Yeah Like you live alone right? No I have a roommate Oh he There is someone? Where's he at? Fucking Probably fucking

Finger banging his girlfriend dude Dude fuck Not here He's probably on the highway Yeah Yeah Respectfully But

Yeah man That does make sense I guess If you think about it like If you're too lonely Like you're gonna spin out And if there's too many people You're also gonna spin out So it's kinda like

Yeah here people spin out And they just like are like Alright I'm doing like pottery classes Or whatever But then down there it's like I gotta fucking kill a guy Or something Yeah they're like dude i gotta fucking shoot up a fucking denny's dude yeah dude you know what i mean yeah 100 and they probably feel like they

can get away too yeah or there's only like four guys so people are like that was rich that was him oh i know that guy yeah i mean if you just live there like think about it living there dude you know the same dudes that you've known since like birth, right? Yeah. You do the same shit every day. You know, there's nothing to do. One day you go and buy a Denny's, you're like, dude, let's try it out. That's what I can do, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know, man. Yeah. When you're lonely, like, do you ever have those thoughts during COVID, dude? About shooting up at Danny's Yeah Nah how weird did I get I'm trying to think I mean I go through weird phases All the time dude Cause I got pretty weird

During COVID specifically During the isolation phase Yeah There was a point where I was like Yeah dude something's off Totally Yeah I was making videos That were just like

You're like I gotta go to fucking I gotta go storm that capitol Yeah Fuck that capitol building looks good Yeah It made sense at the time yeah bro i get it i definitely have those thoughts sometimes yeah or if you're ever in just like a room by yourself for too long yeah start to have those thoughts where you're like dude i gotta get outside man yeah i'll get like weird like i'll be like i'm like i feel like depressed today i'll feel like really like anxious and sad and i'll be like like really just like down on myself. And then I'll like literally step outside and I'll be like,

Oh yeah. Oh, fine. I just needed to talk to a person. Yeah. That's what blows my mind a lot about like a lot of comics too. Cause they're like, Oh,

I can just do this on my own. And I'm like, are you fucking insane, dude? Yeah. Like you, you can, you know?

Yeah. But then they kind of snap and you're like, Oh, this makes sense. A hundred percent. Well, that's cause they pushed everyone away probably. Yeah.

They're just a narcissist. Yeah. Yeah. Well well we get phone calls man let's see oh fuck yeah see what we got dude is this advice do we give advice or what do these people say yeah we just got a few phone calls from fans, dude. Hope you can hear this, but let me know if you can. All right, here we go, man. Yo, Johnny. It's the Blazin' Bean calling from Cali again.

I guess you didn't get my last message I left, so I'm leaving on Wednesday. You gotta fucking play this one, my guy. But, dude, I know you're a big fan of fucking fatties, man. Fatties are cool, you know, but my question for you, Johnny, and whoever the fucking guest is, what weight is considered a fatty and what is considered a fucking hippopotamus, you know what I'm saying? Like, what is the range that we got to stick within? I know 280 ain't a lady,amus you know i'm saying like what is the range that we gotta

stick within i know 280 ain't a lady you know what i'm saying but shit i'm just curious man because uh just wondering i know you're a big guy and i'm wondering if you like them big or handable so let me know johnny much love from cali plays the bean out these guys these guys call me fat man you got some dogs in the fan base you gotta call me fat dude yeah i couldn't hear it a hundred percent but he said you like fatties and he said what is a fatty yeah he was like what weight uh makes it like a fatty versus like a hippopotamus you're talking about women yeah okay yeah just to make sure i'm on the same page yeah that's a good question man i don't think it's a weight thing, though. Like a number. Right.

I think it's just like the natural eye. Just where it's going. Yeah, I feel like most of the guys kind of know when it happens. But for me, dude, I think the weight would be a little higher than for most. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. I feel that. Do you think he wanted like a specific number?

He wanted you to tell him how to live his life. Maybe he's just trying to figure out what a fad he what a fatty actually is yeah it sounds like he doesn't know yeah he's just curious about the world yeah because when i say fatties dude everyone always thinks i'm talking about like morbidly obese women but a lot of the time i'm not right you're just talking about some a little thick well there's a lot of women who i see who are like a little chubby like they're chubby, but they're like kind of beautiful. To me, that's like a fatty. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. So chubby is actually fatty to you. Kind of, yeah. Well, it's just a funner word to say. If you're like morbidly obese, like I'm obviously not going to give you a chance if I'm sober. But if I'm blasted, there's a good chance I might take a chance, you know? Right. Yeah. Cause there, there have been nights, dude, where like, I'll,

I'll be at the bar, like, well, not now, but in the past where I've been at the bar and I've taken chicks home and my friends had been like, dude, I think that's when, you know, when your friend, the next morning is like, yeah, no, when your friend in that moment is like, oh, even that night. Yeah. They're like, dude, that's crazy so that's the yeah i guess it's like your your friend's reaction yeah live your life based on how your friends judge you and you'll never be disappointed yeah i think it's uh i think it's a group judgment yeah from the boys actually well that's obviously the joke answer you know you just you go with whatever you you know yeah you go with whoever you're whoever you're feeling.

Yeah. I know a lot of dudes who are, like, skinny. Yeah. And they're into, like, fatties. That's always a thing. Yeah. It's interesting. It is.

And those guys always have huge hogs, I feel like. Yeah. I mean, dude, it's not easy to get a fatty. Like, it's really not. No. It's hard work, man. Yeah. You know, like, it doesn't come easy. People assume that it's really not. It's hard work, man. Yeah. You know, like, it doesn't come easy.

People assume that it's just. There have been many nights where I've been intoxicated and I'll, like, literally message a fatty who I'm like, oh, this will be easy. Yeah, you think it's like. And then she's like. Yeah, you're like, come over. You don't even, like, have, like, a funny line. Hey, you want to fuck? Yeah.

What? Yeah. This woman's, like, at work. What? No. So disrespectful. I'm just like, oh, I'll get this. Easy. hey you wanna fuck yeah yeah this woman's like at work what no so disrespectful i'm just like oh i'll get this easy and then they're like no you're like ah fuck yeah that's right damn it yeah it's fucked up it's probably you wake up the next day and you're like dude thank god yeah you unsend all those instagram messages yeah yeah that's why they put that

feature there yeah do they have that now you can uns? Yeah, I don't know if it unsends from everyone's though. Yeah, because if you unsend it, does it notify them? I think it tells them they unsent something. They're going to know something's up. They'll see the timestamp when you unsent it. They'll freak out. They'll know. You ever been with a fatty or no?

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm so uncomfortable. How do I agree with this you kind of look like you'd you'd have like three fatties at the same time really like not even one yeah man i don't i don't uh i don't judge you know i like you know i like some curves yeah i don't shame what type of women are you usually into um i like uh you know i guess i like brunettes usually like dark hair because usually they're into me more that's interesting i've been only been like a couple blonde people

and they're not i always feel like it's a little too i'm one time i was dating a girl who was blonde and i we were like swimming her friend had a thing or whatever yeah and i took my shirt off and she was like whoa like it's a lot of chest hair like she like made it come to me like i just know it's there's not a problem i just it's just i've never seen that much and she was like, whoa, like it's a lot of chest hair. Like she made it come to me like, I just know it's there's not a problem. I just it's just I've never seen that much. And I was like, oh, shit. Wow. Yeah.

You got to go with someone who's not like who doesn't move their eyebrows up when you when they see your chest, you know? Yeah. Or any part of your body. Dude, blondes are another another breed. Yeah. I feel like blondes are definitely more for like chads and stuff. Yeah.

Blonde. Yeah. Blonde and blonde seem happy together. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah. I feel like blondes are definitely more for, like, chads and stuff. Yeah, blonde and blonde seem happy together. Yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, it's weird, man, how you're, like, focused on hair color. I feel the same way, though. I've never been with a blonde woman. Really? Never, no. You always go brown?

Yeah, you're, like, brown? I mean, I think blondes are, like, super hot all the time, but they're just, like, so fucking stupid. You know? They're always, like, confused and shit. Yeah, it yeah it is kind of like racism on my end that i'm like i kind of see like a hot blonde girl and i'm just kind of like i kind of assume a lot of i'm like all right sorority girl xyz you know i don't not like natural blonde but like highlighted blonde you're like all right this harsh blonde yeah this chick does anal oh interesting yeah and you're

turning that down i've just never had the opportunity like i've never been given the chance yeah you know like a blonde chicks never really liked me blonde chicks do go for like what a 2005 like movie lead would be like a blonde like quarterback it seems kind of every blonde couple i see i'm kind of like this is like hack you know yeah it's like fucking sunshine yeah this is like american pie shit you know yeah man but yeah i like brunette you know boob i'm a boobs guy hell yeah dude dude that's you know i like tea i like some big teeth too like a wow yeah like white teeth just kind of like big teeth kind of like a big smile or just

big teeth i guess like either you know yeah good smile yeah wow man good nose you know hell yeah dude i'm just describing my ex i just start crying start crying yeah you know yeah we all have that one ex though dude that we're still spanking, too. Oh, yeah. I have an ex, dude, and there's, like, a porn star who looks like her. Dude, is there a better moment in your life when you go, thank God I can always have a memory? It's been, like, ten years, dude, and I'm still jerking off in the shower to her. Yeah. Just crying on both of my knees, dude.

Yeah, water hitting your face. The porn star just looks exactly like her. It's crazy, dude. Whoa. Like an exact doppelganger. That's crazy. I'll just get nostalgic, dude. Yeah.

You know? But definitely probably the most unhealthy thing you could possibly do as a man. It's definitely, yeah. But I mean, I think everyone does that where you go, this is definitely like a coping mechanism. But, you know. Just a defense mechanism. Yeah, whatever, dude. I'm going to, you know. I had a rough day rough day i'm gonna go jerk off to my ex yeah with my room alone i'm gonna go

like you know look at old photos of us and and then jerk off to our crazy that i admit to that too yeah no i mean it's it's honest i think most people would do that yeah i wonder dude you think a lot of people are doing that oh dude if there's like a girl i'm like really into and i see a porn star that looks like her on a video i'm like yeah totally you're doing like doing that on the reg though i don't know if many people are uh seeking it out is no buddy i don't want to leave you hanging here at all i think this is normal i think every guy is doing this yeah you know it's actually healthy because it's like you're not like ruining her like you're not you're not reaching back out to your ex you're not complicating things and being like I still have feelings for you. I love you just to like try to smash

Hey, I still jerk off to you. Yeah, you're not sending that text off. I think it's the idea of being like nostalgic It's like that dude who like drives by his old high school Yeah, it's miles and nods. It's like those state champs, bro. It is 97 That's you covered covered in cum. With an iPad on your chest. Just have a picture on the dashboard. Yeah. Wait, so you're jerking off in the shower?

Every once in a while, man. It used to be like once in a blue moon, but as of recently, I'm just falling apart. And I feel like that's what men do when they fall apart. Jerking off in the shower is the first. Yeah, man. You got to jerk off in the shower and then just fall on your knees dude and just start crying yeah yeah is the water hitting you this way or in the back from the front from the front yeah it does look like you're like asking for like mercy yeah just eyed dude just eyes wide shut yeah that would be crazy if someone walked in on that

you're just like so so invested in it like your boner is still kind of going down a little bit because it's so hard it's so hard to jerk off in the shower too yeah it's kind of terrible i feel like every time i've done it it's been not great oh yeah it's fucking brutal dude i mean jerking off standing up is like it's not even like enjoyable at that point yeah i jerked off before this and i was running late but i just had like a busy morning you know when you're just doing like a lot of like you're running a lot of errands yeah and you're just kind of like and you're like i gotta just jerk off and to clear the yeah when i jerk off in the shower though dude the end result is like almost rewarding because

you feel like you've really put in the work. Right. You know, at least that's how I feel because it takes so long to get there, dude. So. Yeah. So there's less guilt afterwards because you're like, I did something today. You know, I. Oh, dude, there's so much guilt afterwards.

I'm like, dude, I just jerked off in the shower. It's like 10 in the morning. Yeah. I just question everythinged off in the shower. It's like 10 in the morning. Yeah. I just question everything I believe in, dude. It does seem healthier. It kind of almost seems like a thing that a guy that does cold plunges would do. But I know it's not in that energy. I know you're doing it in a different way.

You're kind of leaning on the wall as you're doing it. That would be so funny if they had like a Motiversity video like that. Wake up at 7, spank in the shower. Spank in the shower. For an hour. Yeah. Get a good pump going. Cold, flip it, cold shower. Yep. Spank again.

Yeah, that's crazy, man. I think about it like just the shame afterwards, you know? But dude, yeah, I think it just takes skill, man, to do that. Not a lot of people are's crazy, man. I think about it like there's the shame afterwards, you know, but dude, yeah, I think it just takes skill, man, to do that. Not a lot of people are doing it. So are doing it in the shower or admitting to this and being honest? I think both. Yeah. I think that's why this is, this podcast is so relatable. People like love it. It's because you do talk, you say things that people are like, yeah, I've been there. They would just never say it. They would never say it because they work at Deloitte or whatever.

Yeah. All right, let's see what else we got, dude. What's up, John? It's Chance, Kansas City. First time, short time. I'm at an Airbnb right now, and it's a nice place. Love it. I appreciate them.

But they got some, like, pretty heavy checkout policies. Like, they're making me take out the trash. And mind you, this is just, like, a room in their house. So anyway, I gotta take out the trash. I gotta, like, strip the bed. I gotta put all the pillows in a certain spot, gotta do stuff in the bathroom. Where do you stand on checkout policies? Real curious, I need to know like what I should do, man.

Like should I just not? Got a rating to take care of. Anyway, love you, man. Keep it real. Peace. Dude, that's hilarious. Dude, that rocks. That's a great question to call in with.

Yeah. He's just chilling in an Airbnb. Airbnbs do fuck, dude. Yeah. And he thought about you, too. That's the coolest part. He went, this is why I got to fucking ask Johnny. Yeah.

Well, Airbnb, you have, like, your own rating, right? Yeah, which I guess is, like, what he's worried about. too that's the coolest part he went this is why i gotta fucking ask johnny yeah well airbnb you have like your own rating right yeah which is i guess is like what he's worried about well can you get you pay for a cleaning fee that's why that's where i'm on this guy's side where i'm like there's like a 90 cleaning fee isn't that part of it so many fees that's what i'm saying this guy should fucking literally torch the place yeah yeah you should fucking pour cement down the pipes and everything you got evicted bro oh yeah get a fucking paintball gun dude dude place gum in the carpets bro oh yeah imagine if you just got like a paintball gun dude and just started playing like classic rock yeah like

blasting it just get like one of those blinders and just start shooting everywhere dude that'd be so fun they probably have cameras just a rage room yeah you just get to fucking just treat it how you know like a video game oh like put it up on like craigslist oh yeah tell a bunch of people to come through they're like you can do whatever you want have an orgy there all because there's like old woman i see to take the trash out because she can't go down the steps dude i've always wondered if like airbnb is like most of them probably have cameras right i've been hearing a lot there's a lot of those stories where they're like you know watching people jerk off or whatever yeah can you imagine if someone emailed you and was like i have a video of you jerking off i need a thousand dollars i'd be like for sure here oh shit like they blackmail

yeah they blackmailed dude that would be tough i just put i just put it out there really yeah nice go out like a legend dude yeah yeah i put it out there let me go buy some propane tanks yeah some dude jerking off in my shower yeah man i actually like uh i shouldn't this is something i shouldn't say either but dude i did like a comedy gig once in like new jersey yeah with this dude and he was like yeah like we can just stay at my buddy's house like so we don't have to drive back or whatever fuck it dude brings me to like a legitimate mansion there's like 18 rooms there's like an in-ground pool like all this shit we get our own room and i'm just like it's like two in the morning i'm like should i jerk off like in this bed yeah 100 dude did it

yeah and all i could think was like they definitely have cameras here you think no doubt there was like 18 bedrooms dude sometimes those people don't care the most though yeah you know yeah i felt like you have to you have to do it though you know yeah you're staying there it's like i feel like you know you're not like putting it on the walls i think it's even then it's like you're staying there. It's like, I feel like, you know, you're not like putting it on the walls. I think it's, even then it's like, you're staying. Even then you should be allowed to. Yeah.

Yeah. Not even paying for it. Yeah. I'm paying to stay here. So I get to, yeah. No, I think this dude should honestly fucking trash the place.

Yeah. I agree. Not completely, but just like fuck with them a little bit. Just put the pillows a little off. Yeah. Put them back close and then have them just a little different. Yeah.

Maybe like make like a dick shape or something like that yeah that's fun yep what else could you do dude fuck bro maybe just like take a shit and just like don't flush yeah you could be like i did flush i didn't hold it down i forgot to hold it down the whole time yeah damn what else could you do dude maybe just like piss. Piss in different spots that they won't even like notice. Yeah. Just randomly throughout the, in the fake plant or whatever. Dude, just like, just piss on the TV. Leave the toilet seat up.

Just do small things that are like annoying. Maybe take the trash out, but just do so many other things that are uncomfortable. Dude, put gas all over the place, and then when they come back inside, just throw a cigarette. Yeah, you know what you should do? You should turn off the gas light on the oven and then open the gas valve so you create a leak. Yeah.

I think that's actually really cool. I've heard of people doing that. Yeah. How would he do some carbon monoxide type shit? Do some've heard of people doing that. Yeah. How would he, he could do like some carbon monoxide type shit. Do some carbon monoxide shit for sure. Yeah. Especially if it's like a family or something. Yeah.

He should get a picture like from his childhood and just put it up on the wall. Yeah. Dude, that would be actually really fun to just swap out people's family photos in an Airbnb. Like cut out one of the faces from a family photo and put yours in it, like where the children are. That's kind of a great little harmless prank. Yeah. I mean, it's...

Keep everything else neat and then just do that. Just do that. And then come back a year later and see if they notice. It's the creepiest prank. They'll be so scared by it. Yeah. People like that suck, though, man. These people probably have OCD or something. Yeah. I mean, people like that suck, though, man. These people probably have, like, OCD or something.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, being like, I'm going to have people in my home. Like, they're staying there. Don't, like, it's going to be, you know, don't be weird that there's, something's off. It's like you're having a stranger come live in your house. You're making bank. Yeah, dude. If you're an Airbnb, you're making bank already. That's the catch.

You're getting money for it, but it's like you got to have, shoes are going to be in a weird place for a second. Have you ever gotten your security deposit back? because i don't think i've ever gotten mine yeah i think i've gotten mine most times except the one in college we like had like a house like our like last two years like me and like a couple friends yeah and i was the last one to move out and i think all their rooms were great and then my room i was taking stuff off the wall like i had like stuff like mounted and stuff off the wall like i had like stuff like mountains it was like those like little like sticky tabs you know oh yeah and i just was taking them off in a way that just what and i think it was up there for two years so i was just

taking it i was taking away like parts of like drywall somehow like it peeled away like a whole part of the wall i've done that yeah and then yeah i saw like a little a little dock of that happens to me every time those like a Those little like I forgot what they're called Like the two way tape things Bro they never come off They always rip like chunks of the wall out Literally dude like an inch in Like holy shit

Yeah like this will happen All this is gonna be fucked I'll just fucking let it happen man When I was in college we fucking We went on vacation you know how you get like a month off we just left all the meats in the fridge and turned the fridge off so when we got back dude it was literally to this day the worst smell oh my god and we we could never get rid of the smell oh fuck yeah it was brutal man why'd you get you guys thought we're leaving town for a month let's save electricity i didn't honestly i thought i would have made that mistake of like turning the fridge off like one of my roommates just like

turn the fridge off i don't even think that's a thing you do yeah even if it's like winter or something and they're like you gotta like turn your faucets on or something when you leave yeah no one's doing that dude it was such a bad smell dude there was like chicken and beef in there and shit oh my god when we got back dude we couldn't even make it through the front door but yeah when we moved out the the owner was like dude it smells so fucking bad i was like yo did you guys kill a guy in here what is this yeah dude we did we did crazy shit at the house wait so how many guys were in the house just two oh just you and you and two guys that's a good group this was in narragansett rhode island over by the beaches dude whoa dude so one time it was like pretty nice out and we had a we had

a deck outside and we like fucking never used it and i was starting to get upset i'm like dude this is such a nice setup for the boys man like so i'm like i'm just gonna go out and like cook some burgers on the grill so we have this grill dude and I can't get the grill to start. So I just pour gas in the grill, and then I take the lighter, right, and I light it, dude. And I just light it on fire, bro. Dude, I set the fucking deck on fire. I got gas everywhere over the deck, dude, so the deck's on fire. And I start panicking

Dude we didn't have a fire extinguisher Oh my god Dude so I just rip off my shirt My titties are out And I just start fucking like Just whipping it Swinging dude Yeah bro

Yeah it was crazy man Oh my god I thought I literally was gonna light the place on fire Did you get it out? Yeah Holy shit But dude if I didn't do that Oh man

It would've been bad You'd fucking burn the house down Yeah I was just dragging like I got gas all over the deck, dude. Oh my God. It was bad, man. Was it a charcoal grill or what was the grill? Yeah, it was a charcoal grill. I guess that's, I think I would have probably done something kind of similar.

I don't even know how to use a charcoal grill, dude. I don't really either. My dad really wasn't a dad like that. Yeah. You know? Even propane, that shit freaks me out, dude. Propane is just the fucking click and it goes yeah yeah i always think about just lighting the propane tank like don't you have to do that

you have to do something where it's like this feels like right on the edge of blowing up the whole thing you have to like do like twist the thing and you hear like a hissing sound and then you just fucking like there's like an electric thing yeah because i always thought like you had to turn the thing but then i would always imagine me just putting the lighter up to the propane tank and it's just blowing up yeah i think you're not far i think having a grill is right almost that it's right there can you imagine that dude you're just like not really that experienced with grilling. You just blow up your house. You blow up your whole family on July 4th.

We had a dude in my town who blew up his house on purpose with a propane tank. Dude, propane tanks are doing stuff. I haven't thought about propane tanks in so long, but now I'm realizing they're like, dude, they're crucial. Yeah, whenever I'm on the highway, sometimes I'll see those Rhino trucks. Yeah, the big one. The prop propane tanks They're carrying propane tanks There's like 50 of them You're asking me to fucking come on bro Yeah if you drove by one of those with like a pistol

Yeah dude You always see one of those trucks next to one of the trucks That's like the ramp And you're like bro come on dude Oh that would be the best way to go out. Dude, yeah. That's kind of how I want to die now. You just get fired from your job?

Fuck it. Yeah, what song do you think you would play if you shot up one of those? Dude, you gotta do Freebird right at the end. Oh, yeah. Before you do Freebird, fast forward to like seven minutes. Dude, that would be sick if you were jerking off with one hand, and then you just take a pistol, dude. Oh, my God.

It's for nobody. Nobody even sees it. Because they got cameras on the highway, too, so you wouldn't have to have a drone shot or anything. Yeah, dude. They would have the little eyepass camera. Local man jerks off to Freebird and shoots a propane truck. Dude, he would save the country. I really think he would.

He would save so many people's lives, dude. Yeah, there'd be a guy with a gun in his mouth. The TV play. You'd go, oh, my God. There's people like me out there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you would save more people than you'd kill for sure.

It's honestly. Yeah, you're definitely more people than you'd kill, for sure. It's honestly... Yeah, you're definitely in the green, for sure. You'd probably only kill, like, three people. Maybe, like, 300, dude. You think? Yeah, because I think, yeah, the bullet would probably... I don't even know, man. I wonder how many, like, propane tanks would make it through.

Because if it's, like, a truck full of 50... Because, like, dude, the propane tank's going to blow up and then the truck's going to blow up, and then that's going to blow up all the propane tanks. It's going to blow up the rest of the propane, yeah. So yeah, you're going to kill at least 100 people. God, dude. Dude's fucking rule. I love you, dude.

That would be crazy, dude. Just to see one blow up and then just 50 after that. But it'd be all one huge, you'd be like, that's fucking, that's the whole thing. It'd be like fucking Armageddon, dude. Dude, it would. You'd have to turn around really quick and start walking away slowly. You'd have to fucking have sunglasses. Bro, you'd have to have sunglasses.

Yeah. Man, we should start a business where it's just a field. Let's just go upstate and just buy a field and we can just charge people like a thousand bucks and you just come and you shoot a propane tank. Yeah. Well, they have those like anger. I don't even know what there are like. Rage rooms.

Rage rooms. Yeah, bro. I've done that in real life, like at a fucking. Yeah. Any room can be a rage room. People don't know that. Well, no, I snuck into a what's it called? Like a fucking junkyard.

Oh, yeah. Just went ape shit dude dude if every guy could do that just for like you know yeah an hour a month if you could just get let alone in a room like that yeah or just get like a new room massage yeah either one of those dude if you're doing that is that a it's like those oil massages oh it's on like porn hub and shit it's like new Pornhub and shit. It's like Nuru. Oh, yeah. It's like a, it's like. Yeah.

I looked at a Reddit thread once, dude. I feel like they're actually real. Like there's some in real life. Wait, so what makes it, you're all oiled up. Which, by the way, takes me out of it. I don't really love oil in porn. Yeah, I mean. When you're just kind of like shiny. Everyone's so shiny.

Yeah, just like a hot chick. Like you're both naked and she just like massages you and then you fuck dude if you did that once a month i feel like you'd be good for life yeah i mean that's the thing though is like that's every guy that's doing violent shit obviously does want that but there's not enough women that are willing to do that so we gotta go blow up propane tanks there's way more propane tanks and bullets in the world than women that will fuck these guys. That would be a good experiment, though, to just try both. To try both, yeah. See which one works out.

Two really good business ventures, man. Let's do it with rats first in like a lab study. Yeah. And then we can take that and be like, here's our proof. That would be so funny to just have both of those businesses fail. I think it's impossible that they do i feel like they would fucking skyrocket you're just like yeah i started off with new ruin now you know this whole propane thing is not really working out and now it's

just kind of a ranch where you can just shoot anything you want yeah man i think about i don't know man like would you have you ever been to a gun range yeah a couple times really yeah what was it like dude inside the range is kind of terrifying if it's like an indoor one yeah it's like you kind of get claustrophobic and you also have like this just crazy all you can think about is like what if that guy just turns around and just yeah does this because you could do that right you could so do it so easily it's crazy that's crazy and some of them have like ak-47s yeah bro some of them have like fucking sniper rifles there's guys like getting down on the floor and you're like whoa what the fuck fuck man i can't even go to the golf range without anxiety

dude yeah dude a gun rage is nuts yeah because and then you have to wear the things because it's so loud in there it echoes and shit you ever get hit with the recoil at all yeah it definitely like always gets you in a way that you wish that you could prepare more you know it's definitely more than you always think like you do it and then you're like you fucking you in a way that you wish that you could prepare more, you know, it's definitely more than you always think. Like you do it and then you're like, you fuck, you get mad that you like looked like that. Yeah.

I've seen some of those videos, dude, where it's like a, I'm not being sexist, but it's like a chick dude. And she just fucking beams herself on the face. Oh, it all comes all the way up and hits her.

Yeah. You can get like concussions from that too. Oh dude. Yeah. You can fucking pop your shoulder out probably. That'd be crazy if you could bring like RPGs in there. It's just a paper target at the end? Some guy's got grenades.

He's got a flash. Have you ever shot a gun? Nah man, I shot a paintball gun. That's crazy bro. I would have totally thought you you shot god yeah man every experience i've ever had with any sort of gun has gone really bad man even yeah what guns a paintball what else is it my asian friend he would uh his family was big into like paintball dude and they had like a deck outside and they would they would do this game where like people down in the yard would try and drive the quad by without getting hit

with paintball guns so people are shooting down at you from the deck dude this seems like the funnest game to be those guys you're the top guys that's what i thought and then like his dad was like very strict and he was like all right john like first rule like when i hand you this paintball gun don't point it at anyone yeah so he hands me the gun and i'm just like in your friend's ear yeah i was like he was like telling me what to do and i was like literally i just pointed the gun right at his face and i didn't even realize it he was like first rule like do not point this at anyone just he's talking to me i'm just like look like right at him he's like what's rule number two

yeah dude they gave me a chance to try and shoot people on the quads bro and i shot up my friend's shed dude it was like 20 feet fucking away from them yeah yeah i just couldn't oh they were pissed yeah dude they were like how the fuck did you hit the shed yeah that's one of the words because you're like and then you're embarrassed everyone's mad at you all of a sudden they all team up on you to be like what's wrong with you johnny and you're like oh because i always i was like i need a real gun now i just can't be serious in situations like that dude for some reason i just like i always laugh i don't know what it is yeah i always think about random shit dude yeah you know you know i should draw a

penis on the shed with the gun yeah yeah shoot like that yeah man i should not be around guns dude a real gun is terrifying though like it does snap you into a new so if like shit hit the fan like zombies came and you were like and you had a gun you would know what to do no but i'd like watch like a youtube video quick like i would get it you'd be good yeah i think i would i think i'd be good yeah that's pretty sick and like surprisingly from video games, you kind of get it a little more than you think in a really stupid way. Yeah, maybe. You just kind of know like, because when you go in there like, all right, here's how you

put the magazine. The magazine goes in here. There's a safety. And then you call. And I'm like, yeah, no, I got, I have all that. That's down. Yeah. But video games, there's like no, like, well, there's like a little bit of recoil, but there's

no like bullet drift. The recoil there is, like, a little bit of recoil, but there's no, like, bullet drift. The recoil should hit you in the chest. Yes, dude. Yeah, it should be VR. There's just things on your shoulders that fucking knock your shoulders out. But, like, think about, like, a sniper, though. Like, in a video game, you can just aim directly at their head. In real life, you gotta, like...

Yeah. You know. You gotta come for wind. You gotta be writing shit down. Yeah, dude. Get your calculations right and shit. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Get your calculations right and shit. Yeah, I don't even know, man. Maybe I'd probably have to watch

a YouTube video like 600 times. Probably to clean it and stuff, too. I forget you have to do all that shit. Yeah, I don't want a gun just like, you know, for that part of it. Just for the responsibility, mostly. Yeah, I've heard a lot of scary stories, man. Someone who came on this podcast,

what scares me the most is when people fuck with guns when they're intoxicated. Yeah, it just comes out because someone's like, dude. Yeah. My friend was at a party, he said, dude, and they were fucking around with a gun, and some dude accidentally shot it off, and it fucking went through the wall and killed the person next door, dude. Holy fuck. Yeah, dude. So I was just like, holy shit, man. That's when I'm like, all right, dude.

Like, if I was ever at a party or something and people were fucking with guns, I'd be like, all right, I'm going to head out, man. Yeah, I'm going to head out. I'm going to go this way. Yeah. Yeah, because if you're like 10 beers deep and you're fucking around with a magnum, there's really no good outcome. That's so bananas. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. What was this, in Rhode Island? No, this was just a friend who told me what happened. Holy shit. Yeah, the chick got shot in the fucking head. I don't think she died, though. I think she lived, but I don't really know what's wrong with her, dude. But that would be crazy, man, just to be chilling.

You know, you're watching, like, the fucking Price is Right. Like right now, if a bullet just came through his fucking head. Yeah, dude. It skims your brain. You'd be changed forever. Yeah, for sure, dude. Just always panicking and shit. That'd be a crazy phobia to have.

Yeah, dude. That's like kind of veterans. I'd be a crazy phobia to have. Yeah, dude. That's like kind of veterans. I feel like veterans probably have that. That's probably what the PTSD is. Yeah, dude. You probably just walk around like Walmart and you just think it's going to be like fucking. Oh, yeah. Just a drone is coming in.

Yeah, dude. Imagine getting shot and living. You have to like live with that. Yeah. I'd fucking lose my mind, dude. Dude, anytime someone reaches in their pocket for anything, you're just fucking. Yeah, dude. That'd be crazy. It's kind of crazy we just like like have them we just bring them back in and we're like

just you guys go you go free yeah i mean like i've never been a big gun guy but i get why people have them if if nobody had a gun i'd be scared yeah there need yeah i get that but people who are like who live in like these safe environments who have like fucking rpgsers, I'm like, dude, you got to chill out, man. There's really no... You know what I mean? Your neighbor's a fucking dentist. More than two guns is crazy, probably. I don't know what the number should be, but you get a cute small one, then you get a big one for when a guy comes in your house.

Yeah. That's kind of it, you know? Yeah. I think I would just get a shotgun because I just have less less or more room for error i pretty much aim i just aim wherever because it's like if a guy breaks in you're sleepy you're like you're shooting from the hip you know yeah just blind fire and see what happens honey oh shit that would be so crazy to like defend your household as a man like that that would be nuts yeah i feel i don't know man if someone's in your house dude at night they're trying to kill you

yeah that's nuts that was always my biggest fear growing up was like a burglar i don't know why that always scared the shit out of me i was coming home and there was just a guy in your house you know you're not scared of that anymore i feel like in new york it's like less common because like there's apartments but it's probably stupid to think that oh yeah i feel like i always feel like someone's gonna jump through the window well your first floor that is tough yeah yeah that is scary so but yeah i don't know man if it happens i'll just fucking start jerking off dude like that's all i can do at that point yeah it would work honestly probably to have that as your as your response is just like a confusion yeah it's like throwing a smoke but it's not it's that would be my only form of self-defense really just drop your pants i got nothing else man you

know yeah yeah well dude thank you for coming man buddy thanks for having me appreciate you for coming dude it was good to meet you yeah likewise and uh yeah man i know we didn't talk about comedy at all but love your comedy dude you're crushing it dude buddy likewise huge fan thanks dude you have anything coming up uh um i got some i got some road dates coming up just a couple but you know here and there depending on what this comes out what's your uh what's your instagram oh just first and last name e-m-i-l-w-a-k-i-m fuck yeah dude dude fuck yeah check out check out that instagram dude um yeah i don't even know man usually i do like a patreon and shit but i don't know if you guys want to join the patreon it's a dollar a month you should join yeah you

should do a patreon people would yeah people want to support you yeah man i'm trying to just you know make this more casual yeah yeah i'm just trying to just, you know, make this more casual. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just trying to make it as casual as possible. But, yeah, Patreon's a dollar a month if you guys want to join. You get the episode early. I don't know how many bonus episodes I'm going to be doing. Definitely depends on the guest. But, yeah, thank you guys for listening.

Peace.