The Johnny Salami Podcast - Erik Scott

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

Erik Scott grew up in a cornfield in Central Illinois and now resides in New York City, he’s still getting used to how tall the buildings are. Erik began doing stand up during college and after graduation decided to pursue comedy as a career, partly due to the fact that Cinema Studies majors don’t have the best job placement. Erik has performed at clubs and colleges all over the country and is a writer for the hit radio show Bob and Tom. When not traveling he can be seen at one of the several shows he helps produce in New York. His quick wit and “Midwest Charm” make him very relatable and an audience favorite.

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Sorry, I know it looks like I'm not ready, but I'm fucking ready, dude. No, I feel like you're saving it. Is it Saturday mornings, bro, or like prime time to do a podcast? you know what i mean yeah i mean you're a big morning guy or no yeah

no i roll over first thing where i take a caffeine pill oh dude and i just uh start freaking out immediately yeah dude we're the same person then man you do that i invest i just started investing in the uh the caffeine tablets dude dude. From Walgreens? From Amazon, man. Oh, nice. You get like $1,000 for like $0.04, dude. Whoa. Yeah, they might not even be.

Yeah, that's got to be something. They're probably not even caffeine tablets, man. It's probably like pig adrenaline or something. Yeah, I mean, whatever it is, man, I'm down for it. Yeah, I get stay awake from like Walgreens. Really? Yeah. Like around here?

Yeah, any of them. That's got to be expensive though, right? No, I mean it's like 11 bucks for like 100 tablets or something. Holy shit. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, because I was drinking the whole pre-workout thing. Oh, yeah. Just taking like four shits like at the gym.

So I was like, I got to change my life. You know what I mean? I roll over in the morning, just grab it like Pac-Man. Just start me up. Saves so much money man you know sometimes my i just don't want to drink another cup of coffee you know yeah this is good though what'd you put in here just like oat milk and some some sugar dude nice i i normally just drink it black i've never had it taste good before i'm not used to it it's not even really coffee it's just a bunch of like so funny when people are like because most people that drink coffee they're not even really drinking

coffee they're just drinking yeah you ever go to a duncan and try to order like an iced coffee and they're like how many pumps of syrup and it's like oh no none and they're like okay come on oh dude if you go to a duncan and you ask for black coffee, dude, they'll shut it down. They freak out. They'll shut it down, dude. Especially in like Boston or something. Yeah. They'll be like, we've never had anyone like you.

It's like seven in the morning. They're just drinking like an electric blue slushie. I go to my like bodega or something. I'll be like, can I get a black coffee? And they go, how many cream and sugar? And I go, none, just black. And they go, no cream and sugar and i go uh none just black and they go no cream and sugar yeah and i go yeah yeah they go okay and they like do that you got to be a legend though they're like we made this it's ass we don't drink this it's bad dilute it my uh one of my buddies in rhode island like whenever i visit

he uh i think it was maybe his cousin or something they just opened up a uh like their own coffee shop and he was just explaining to me the like the science behind coffee and shit and i was like holy shit man like they're selling coffee for like two bucks versus like starbucks is like seven bucks dude right and i don't know what they're doing you know but they're crushing it man is it's like high quality coffee though dude it's like straight out of fucking columbia bro okay uncut yeah they're just flying in fucking planes and dropping them off like loadouts i got johnny depp bringing suitcases full that would be sick man to just have a flame like i went to jail with a bachelor's in

tea and came back with a master's degree in illegal coffee. Yeah, nobody talks about smuggling coffee, dude. Dude. It's not a bad business to get into. No, I mean, yeah, the like $7 coffees are insane. I mean, if you get the beans, I feel like you've already accomplished your goal, man. Yeah, planted you in the backyard. goal man yeah planted you in the backyard yeah well i mean dude if you and i started like a business where we just like pay people to fly in the beans and just drop them in like an open field

like it's like cocaine except it's just coffee beans so we're not doing anything wrong no they got nothing on us they just they just drop it on like a like a car yeah do they grow on it is a bean grow on a tree do you know or is it like a they grow in fields like a root it on like a car? Yeah. Do they grow on a... Does a bean grow on a tree? Do you know? Or is it like a... I think they grow on fields. Like a root? It's like a plant.

If I had to guess. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I'm not sure where like nuts come from. Me neither, dude. Who the fuck knows, man? Dude, pistachios, those will make you fucking bankrupt, dude. Yeah.

You ever buy pistachios, dude? Yeah. It's a slippery slope. I think it's kind of worth it, though. They're good. I like, have you ever had unshelled pistachios? Yeah. I feel like the joy is in the work, you know?

Yeah. It's like a. 100%, yeah. Yeah. What flavor are you rocking with? Just your regular pistachio flavor. Cause they got flavors. They got flavors now.

Yeah, man. They got like chili flavored ones. Interesting. I actually went to the hospital. What? For pistachios? Yeah,

dude. I, uh, I was at the gym just in the parking lot with my buddy and we're, dude, we're getting ready to go to war, man. Just cracking them open. I bought one of those, the unshelled ones from the gas station, the chili flavored.

Just housed them down and drank a Pedialyte, dude. So we're, like, in the gym, and I'm like, dude, I really, like, I don't feel good, man. And I had to go to uh I literally had to drive to the hospital and uh I had an infection in my small intestine dude and do you think that was that it all come come at once or like that that had been building I think it was just a mixture of like all the caffeine being dehydrated do you know how much sodium that is? In the, yeah. Just in Pedialyte and fucking pistachio.

Dude, were you a sunflower seed guy? Yeah, when I played baseball, yeah. Yeah. I got hurt in my, like, senior year of football, so I was just on the sidelines. And just ripping sunflower seed, just have them in my cheek the whole game. My mouth was just sores like after yeah because all that salt just eating it dude they they fuck up your like your mouth too like you know um but yeah dude when i played baseball i would literally just put like half a bag in my

mouth i'd just be spitting them everywhere man i had no idea they like fuck up your teeth and stuff but oh yeah you just feel so cool when you do that man you know just out there in the field just spitting seeds man dude just crunching all up not getting it not eating any of it yeah or eating all of it that's what it's all about yeah that and having like a nice ass like if you can do that in baseball man like you're that was already made it when i heard women talking about baseball asses i was like whoa you guys you guys think about this stuff too? We're not so different. Dude, changed my whole life, man. Dude.

Once you hear that, man, you'll immediately start doing like hip thrusts. Yeah. I think that's a goal of mine to get an ass. Really? Oh, dude, I am flat from the back down. Dude, if you want to work together, man, like I'm down. Are you doing like? No homo, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Just do one of those like booty bop classes little brazilian butler yeah dude they got a lot of machines too for that type of stuff yeah sort of i'll film myself and then i'll i'll call out men checking out my my flat ass we just video each other and like send it to a professional for like form correction oh yeah that'd be good dude they had a uh like my mom my mom's like 70 dude she's always watching like her shows and stuff parents love their shows whenever i visit there's always like uh ads for like booty bot machines and one of them is just this hot chick and she's literally just sitting down on like a piece of plastic and then just squatting up so it's just like a stool it's

just like a ripoff yeah yeah yeah you can get you can get these people with anything the whole thing is like if someone sees that chick's ass though they're like oh right if i do this i can accomplish anything absolutely or the thing that they that like squeezing thing they put between their legs yeah that was a big one i think the hip thrusts are, like, a big thing for women, though. I feel like they really, like, admire that exercise. Oh, like for men doing it? I feel like if you're a man doing it, like, you kind of got to get out of the way. Oh, sure.

Like, if a woman is, if you're fighting for that machine, then something's going on. Yeah. Do the one where you get on the barbell you're laying on the ground i'm just screaming in the gym making orgasm sounds dude i invested in uh like walmart sweatpants dude you ever go to walmart i i have yeah really that's where i used to the parking lot did a lot of hanging out there growing up. Really? Yeah. I'm from like a tiny, tiny little town. Okay.

So it wasn't really like a Walmart per se? No, this one was, but we would drive 20 minutes to hang out in the Walmart parking lot. Was it like, did you see people like ghost riding carriages and stuff? Like, did you see the personalities that Walmart offers or was it kind of like? Yeah, sometimes. Abandoned. Because if it was an abandoned walmart dude no that's the ghost of uh dude that's a dream man dude no it was a it was a

furnished walmart yeah but uh but yeah you see those those classic walmart folks yeah are you getting your sweatpants there uh not these like oh dude i did get these from walmart recently is there walmart around here no it's only when i go home and i visit my mom i dude immediately i hit walmart man drop like a hundred on sweat you ever go to sam's club no you need a membership for that right i know i've been in and uh i found out you need a membership and oh yeah they do let you in which is yeah they just don't let you buy anything yeah Yeah, dude. You can load. A lot of those are next to Walmart, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I found that out when I was in New Jersey. I thought I was in Walmart, but I was in Sam's Club. Right. It was heartbreaking, man. You know? Yeah. It's for if you're in a place and you're like, do I need 30 of these? And then you're like, go next door.

But, dude, you can buy sweatpants at Walmart for like five or six bucks. Yeah. And they're like quality sweatpants at walmart for like five or six bucks yeah and they're like quality sweatpants i'm they're not really but see i don't have many sweatpants i'm kind of for me personally like anti-sweatpants i don't really i i uh i fear comfort wow yeah you're a looks guy not even i mean it's more just like I'm more comfortable when I'm like a little uncomfortable. Okay. That makes sense.

Wow, dude, that's fucking heroic, man. Yeah, like my girlfriend will like, when we first started dating, we'd be like laying on the couch or whatever. I'd be over at her place. Yeah. And she would like yell at me and she's like, you have to take off your belt at least. Because I was like, I don't know. She's like, it's midnight, we're watching TV. I'm like, this is how I do it.

Damn, what are you thinking in your mind just watching all the exits making sure there's no uh no threat dude yeah i mean like uh i'm all about comfort man you know and people hate that bro like i think some people hate me because of the shit i wear they're just pissed off they're, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. I'm like, dude, I'm so comfortable right now, man. Like, you know, I'm rocking Walmart sweatpants, dude. I got the fucking, I got new boxers that are like, they're just unbelievable, man. Are you doing original boxers?

Dude, I forgot the name of them, but they're like, they're kind of like FlexFit, dude. And they got a little hole, man. Like a little slot for your phone, dude. they're, I forgot the name of them, but they're like, they're kind of like flex fit, dude. And they got a little hole, man. Like a little slot for your phone, dude. Oh, okay. Not a hole. Yeah. Oh, this is a, this is a scheme me and my buddy came up with. What about pants with pre-cut holes in the pockets?

So you can, so you can play pocket pool. Oh, I thought you were going to say jerk off. I was like, holy shit, man. You would make a lot of money for that. Yeah. Because people couldn't do it themselves. Once we introduced the idea to society. That would be a sick ad, bro.

Just like a sick pair of boxers with a hole right in the middle. And you're like, you jerk off a lot? Dude, you would sell so many pairs of those, man. Dude. There's nothing worse than boxers that don't have, like, the slot for your fucking schlong, dude. Do you use the schlong slot? Yeah, when I take a piss and stuff. Really?

Yeah. No, I just pull my pants down all the way. Yeah, yeah. Down at the urinal. Dude, that kid was always funny in, like, elementary school. Was that you? special needs kids yeah i got in trouble uh in third grade because a kid uh his name was raj and he was special needs dude i had no idea he was special needs until this happened uh just pulled his pants down at the

urinal like all the way sure and he started urinating on kids dude but he was also screaming at the top of his lungs and uh this teacher mr r came in dude and uh everyone in the back like i was taking a shit i got in trouble dude i'm like dude you're being complacent yeah it's like i'm not i can't get up right now and leave the scene yeah i'm stuck here man but uh yeah everyone's got trouble for this kid i think he just had like uh the teacher had a has a blind brother i think that's what really got him going so he just he grew up getting pissed on he didn't know he's like hey it's not that bad all right it's fine it's okay yeah he just took out all his trauma on us man i was like dude i'm your neighbor bro like you know come on come on bro have some empathy yeah that's so weird

man i feel like have you ever had like teachers that just have trauma and anytime something happens that's related to it they just lose their fucking mind dude dude i had this uh so in middle school we had a p teacher and he was great he but he was like everybody loved him he has a big personality but he could be really scary he had this like booming voice yeah it was uh mr patient and uh he wasn't like his name was legit mr patient yeah i think wow for sure but and then he died like halfway through the year shit and it was like a big deal he's like everybody loved him and stuff we went to so then we get this new guy and he's he's seven feet tall and he's he's enormous yeah and uh then we were just monsters to this guy because you know like when a new teacher comes in like

you as a kid you just test them and like and they're trying to be cool and like yeah no hey guys what's up we're all fun here we have fun and then we just like we had roller skating one session and all the dudes would just like spear the other guys like just it was anarchy yeah and i remember this guy finally he jumped up and down like a kid throwing a tantrum. He goes, what is your deal? And just this enormous man. And then finally, he got on our side. The big game we would play. God, we're so stupid.

He had this big ball. And the game is the boys would just run at him and then bounce off the ball and just fly as far as they can like fall on the ground and that was the like that's what we did at PE this was what year was this this was last year this is like 2008 maybe 2007 okay I was gonna say dude imagine doing that nowadays yeah holy shit you see culture yeah dude I don't even even think they're not even playing dodgeball anymore. Really? Yeah. Is that true?

I can't. I mean, they might be playing dodgeball with like feathers. Yeah. You know what I mean? I liked it. Dodgeball was my favorite. That was like a coping mechanism for me, dude. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Everyone called me fat and shit. Just start throwing heaters at chicks. Not out here. Yeah. Nah, dude. I remember I was at 4-H camp once. And I always hated that rule. 4-H? 4-H, yeah. Is that like a secret community? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nah, dude. I was at 4-H camp once, and I always hated that rule.

4-H? 4-H, yeah. Is that like a secret community? Mm-hmm. Yeah, like the skeleton key or whatever. No, I guess it's like technically it's like an agricultural thing, but it was just like a summer camp thing I went to. But I always hated that rule of if you get hit in the head, you're not out remember like did you guys have that yeah or like some kids would try to pull that

and i'm just like you're not gonna make it out here in this doggy dog world you kind of like if you went back in time and you compared those people to now everyone who said that they're probably working at a gas station right now dude yeah you know just life hit him in the head but this at camp this kid got hit like rocked in the head and she goes it was the head it doesn't count and this counselor like leans into he goes if you got shot in the head would it not count we're all like oh god dude it's a good point holy shit man yeah it was cool fuck dude you guys were not fucking around, man. God.

I was a little chubby kid, too. Really? Yeah. I was going to ask you that, man. Yeah. Because, like, it's weird, man. You know, no homo, but I think, what was it? Had to have been a few years ago, man.

Like, you had your infamous clip, your joke about your girlfriend's ex. Oh, sure. Saying, you know, Eric must be funny. Yeah. That had, how many years ago was that? Uh, I mean, from when I posted it, it was a couple, a couple of years ago. Yeah. Cause I remember being in my bed, probably just like playing with my nuts watching that dude. Oh really? And now you're on the podcast and I'm just trying to wrap my head around that dude. Hey, so it's, like, how life works, man. Yeah, no. You know? I mean, your people you see on your phone can be real lonely, too.

You know? You'll be like, yeah, I'll take three trains and a bus to go talk, hang out. It's wild, man. But yeah, dude. Yeah. So what, I mean, did you ever talk to her ex no that but like she uh that's what she told me he said yeah yeah and like dude you must have felt so good man i did feel good actually her she she's great we're still like we're not like close but we're friendly and we'll

talk every now and then and all of her exes are like liked my stuff so you are an ex technically now i'm technically an ex yeah wow you guys don't have like a band of brothers now we should get a little group text going that's the best she's getting married soon wow yeah i was hoping to get invited to the wedding yeah i dude i don't know i've never even been invited to a wedding really yeah i feel like people kind of know what i bring to the table and they're like yeah we don't need him yeah i don really yeah i feel like people kind of know what i bring to the table and they're like yeah we don't need him dude i don't know i feel like you'd be a good addition to like a wedding crew yeah i mean my best friend growing up uh i mean he is still jewish oh sure shout out the jews dude we gotta you know respect yeah unless you don't and then that's fine too whatever he uh dude he invited me to his bar mitzvah

and this was a this was a period in time dude where i was like constantly screaming penis and vagina that was my whole life right yeah that was my reputation on the streets you know what i mean whoa it's him maybe you'll do it and uh he, so he invited me to his bar mitzvah, and he, like, sent me a death threat. He was like, if you even think about screaming anything, say anything, like, I'll fucking kill you. And so I get to the bar mitzvah, dude, and he has one of his, like, big friends just, like, like follow me the whole bar mitzvah.

And like he had to sing songs in Hebrew. Oh, that's perfect timing. So hard not to laugh, dude. I was struggling, man, but I made it through the whole thing. But I feel like people, when they have their wedding, they're kind of like, we don't want to risk that, you know. But I feel like that's still be an issue. Yeah. they're kind of like, we don't want to risk that, you know? But I feel like... Is that still being an issue? Yeah, it's, you know, I don't know, man.

I see an opening, I take it. Maybe it's just me being insecure, man. Yeah. Maybe they just feel like I don't want to go to the wedding. But deep down, like, I really want to. Yeah, dude, weddings are great. Really? Yeah.

You a big wedding guy? Like, you go... Well, I'm at that age... Well, none of my comedy friends but like most of my college friends have gotten married yeah or a good chunk of them or there's been like a wedding every year and they all live in chicago and i moved to new york now so like it's it's a good time that everyone gets together yeah um so yeah so went to one this year went to a couple last year and it's always just so fun what do you like because i think my bet

the jewish friend who i just i think he's getting married soon i'm just gonna go to the wedding yeah even if i'm not invited man i mean what do you like what happens at a wedding in your situation not like obviously the bride and shit but yeah no i mean the weddings i've gone to the ceremonies are like pretty quick yeah i hate a long ceremony i've only ever been to those when i was like a kid going like a cousin's wedding like a catholic ceremony i think it's like a whole mass yeah like yeah ceremonies quick and then you go eat at some point you're probably doing some cocaine that's that's been my experience that's why you're going that's well so i had the moment at this wedding where I'm like, a lot of you guys have kids now.

I'm like, I shouldn't bring up like getting drugs for this wedding, right? I should be. And then someone else had some, which was, thank God. Wow. Yeah. So you were, damn, dude, I didn't see you as a cocaine guy. I'm not as much really anymore. Yeah. But you were like a recovering addict or you're just kind of like as a cocaine guy. I'm not as much really anymore. Yeah.

But you were like a recovering addict or you're just kind of like that one-time guy who's like, let's get it. No, I mean, like, I wouldn't say I'm an addict, but I definitely, it was just around when I was in Chicago with all my buddies. Yeah. And it was just like something to do and it was fun. What is that like? What? Doing cocaine with the boys. Oh, it's awesome.

What's that vibe like dude especially okay so being like a newer comic in chicago people or people would ask me once i've been there a while they're like how do you get spots in chicago and i was like have a car and know how to get cocaine like that that was how i made friends but we'd have like parties and stuff and uh yeah you just throw a bag on the table and like they'd be telling they'd get very complimentary too which was nice they're like oh you know you're underrated you're the best joke writer in the city my buddy mike this irish dude he used to pin me against the wall and he'd go oh ricky you're the best joke writer in the city he's like coked out oh yeah just grinding his teeth

damn so it's like a good it's like a good vibe it was uh yeah until it's not and then like you're just kind of cracked out like either looking for more like trying to go to sleep yeah so it kind of never ends like the desire to uh yeah and then i was always the guy too i had a reputation of like i think i would party really hard but then i would always go to work the next day. I was an indoor skydiving instructor. Yeah. And so, you know that. Have you seen those wind tunnel things? Oh, shit.

Yeah. Wow. So I'd be like pulling a fucking bender and then taking a seven-year-old flying around like this glass tube. Jesus. It was cool. That must have been wild, dude. It was a good time.

I've always, yeah, I've never done cocaine because I know that if I do do it, I'm just not going to stop. You know what I mean? It just doesn't seem like something I could do and just be like, have it be a one-time thing. Yeah. You know? I mean, if you're ripping Amazon caffeine pills and like pre-workout and you'm sad. Yeah. You're getting stomach infections. Then like, I'm pretty much already doing cocaine.

Yeah. And it just, it doesn't last very long. That's the thing though. Really? The high. Yeah. Yeah.

Or you just want more, but it does make, uh, make conversations fun. You just get like a limp dick sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I've really heard. Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like I was fine sometimes and sometimes i'm yeah not fucking yeah you know like such is life yeah damn that's cool man yeah it was a good time i uh yeah i hope i do get like dude this time of year man you know it's just like it's a good time of year bro it is like the fall you know what i mean yeah i hope it stays around for a minute normally i feel like we get like two weeks of fall and then it's just shit winter i've never done any fall festivities with a woman before oh okay and i'm i'm hoping one day i can do that that'd be like pumpkin patch apple picking sort of i've never been apple picking, dude. Me either. You know, if I did, I would probably, you know, that would suck, man.

Just being with like a 250 pound woman. She's on my shoulders. Yeah, yeah. Can we pick a lower tree? No, these are the good ones. Yeah. I just tear both of my ACLs. They just put you with a pile of other men there that are all fucked up yeah i get like a

nice plaque dude that's all i want man a plaque at an apple picking yeah you just put the apple in her mouth roast her over a fire yeah i'm like you need this the trees aren't low enough you can't afford the regular size trees. That would be sick, dude. You just get a shit ton of free apples because you're with a 250-pound woman. You're like, I'm trying to save this woman's life. They're like, all right, all right. Just this one time.

Apple a day. Keep the doctor away. With your girlfriend, are you guys crushing it with like the fall uh festivities dude no homo dude no yeah uh no not really she we've been traveling a bunch lately um she's brought up wanting to go to a corn maze wow but i don't know how to get how to get her there you don't know how to get out either yeah that's the thing i lost she was she was i took her there she's still in there such a crazy idea it's like hey you want to get lost yeah why don't you pay us 20 bucks too there's a big corn maze near my my house uh my parents house growing up really yeah like a good reputational

one pretty good one yeah i feel like the good ones turn into like an orgy after oh yeah yeah you know there's a guy like in the middle he, hey, go this way if you're trying to get fingered. Dude, that's that's so exciting, though, man. Yeah. I feel like none of those things are really around anymore. Like the excitement. Because like you want your life. You want your fucking life threatened on those things.

Yeah. Like a wheel gives out on the wagon. You hear like gunshots in the distance. You ever go on a haunted hayride? No. Oh, those are those are spooky. Yeah. yeah start you share a blanket with a gal they don't no one knows what's going on under there oh shit i don't even know what's happening that would be sick dude god girl recommend if you want to share a blanket dude the picture you just painted man

dude one of the wheels falls off the wagon you you hear gunshots, and you're getting a handjob? Yeah, your pants are down, there's hay up your ass. It's uncomfortable, but it's good. You get to tell that story at work the next week, man. Yeah, I'm 14 going to work, clocking in. Just coked out. Fellas, fellas, not going to believe this. Not going to believe this. Dude, the other thing is, no homo again, dude.

Just like pumpkin spice season, dude. Yeah, yeah. Bro. You on that? Oh, dude. I'm on that grind, bro. Going through the drive-thru as a man and getting a pumpkin spice latte, dude. There's nothing more confusing sexually.

Sure. You know? Because, like, you ask, you know, like, I always pretend. I'm like, yeah, you know, like... I'm just like, I'm not gay. And then she's like, hello, can I help you? Yeah, you do. That's how you start your order. I'm not gay.

I'm like, yeah, I guess I'll get the pumpkin coffee she's like all right and then they're always like you want whipped cream and you're like i guess yeah you know but driving around drinking one of those things dude just listening to like fucking eat like even if you're listening to one. Reba McEntire. Go nuts. My cousin met her at a GNC one time. Yeah, what are you listening to when you're drinking, like, a pumpkin spice coffee, dude? Dude, I almost exclusively listen to, like, screamy, angry music. Wow.

Dude, you're an interesting guy, man. I'm filled with rage. I am bubbling over. We've obviously never met yeah you know this is my preferred way to meet someone i think you ever be having a good conversation with somebody and you're like damn if i wish there was someone could clip this and put it on the internet it's my it's my whole life dude yeah i'm like what the fuck is this even for yeah because like i mean i mean you do you look like the guy from the notebook dude you know damn like that guy who's like should i be worried oh the the the one who got dumped yeah

oh damn i was hoping gosling oh no no chance no no he's you look like the other guy though okay but i'm not saying you are the other guy i'm saying you look like if i saw you on the street i'd be like that guy in reality i have like the i'm i'm i'm like as successful as the gosselin character i i'm a bum yeah so but people don't know that no yeah yeah people assume things are going great yeah which it's fine you know it could be worse i guess but does that make you upset That people assume it's going well? Yeah. No. I think it's just one of those things. Because I was thinking about this today and every day forever. Yeah.

Things are going well. And if you look back two years ago or five years ago and you're like, oh, shit, this is crazy. Yeah. But it's getting over the thought of like oh i thought if i did this thing or i thought once this thing happened that things would be easier that like yeah it would all be done or figured out or whatever and that's just kind of like never the case so it's like being just open to that and like you know yeah you kind of like realize how ungrateful you are not in a bad way oh absolutely if you look back and you're like

oh a year ago i was jerking off to the food channel and now i have youtube tv yeah like yeah i mean they things are looking up they shut off my cable but but i can close my phone and still hear it so that's no but that's been like one of my issues man like i don't i'm very ungrateful for how gay i am yeah you. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. This is my, like, this is my problem, dude. I can't have, like, a professional conversation about, like, feelings, you know? Like, I just feel like, I was thinking the same thing the other day. I'm like, a year ago, this podcast had, what, like, 500 followers, you know?

Yeah. And I was thinking about quitting and here i am still talking about farts and stuff and i'm just like i just need to like sit back sometimes and be like damn dude like things could be worse i mean it is like the coolest it i feel like stand-up's one thing because like but that is and not to say that podcasting isn't like working really hard yeah but when it's going well and it's something like this where it's, like, I'm literally just hanging out with pals, talking about tits, and people are giving me money or listening. Like, that's the coolest. That feels like getting won over on life.

Yeah. Which I'm in for. And sometimes you just got to sit back and be like, damn, dude. Like, you know, it's happening, bro. Yeah, absolutely. damn dude like you know it's happening bro yeah absolutely like in your case man i can't imagine if you looked back two or three years at comedy compared it to now no like you know yeah the old the uh the old pandemic i mean like everybody but like did it i moved to new york in the nine months for nine months and then then pandemic happened. Oh fuck.

And like the week. And once again, this is like everybody's story, but like the week before the pandemic or the week it happened was like my best week I'd had. Like, yeah, I did like,

you know, nothing crazy, but I did like a set of downstairs at the stand for the first time. And like, had I went and hung out at a club and they're like, Oh, Hey, get on.

Like they threw me on that. It felt cool. And I did like a headlining thing at Broadway comedy comedy club not great but like a thing and it just felt like a oh i'm starting to get some roots and the friday that i did the like headlining thing was the day that they went to half capacity yeah and then the sunday was when they shut everything down tits man yeah that fucking blows dude so it's a weird like no man's land of i've been around for a while people know me but then i don't know it's almost like uh but i wasn't working because it was like pandemic yeah so it's like you're kind of in the mix you're one of the guys but yeah it's not

a and then you get into that whole thing where it's like you start listening to Goggins and Jocko Willink and you're like dude tough people last how people do last and then five months in you're like fuck man taking cold showers you ever do that yeah those are good but it's just like such a long I thought COVID I mean I hate talking about I thought it was gonna be like two weeks and then oh yeah ends up being And you're just like, fuck man, can I keep doing this? Like, you know? Yeah. But then you make it through, man. And you're like, holy shit, dude. Like, what am I capable of, dude? Absolutely. You know? Yeah, no. And I mean, one of the things that keeps me going, but also sometimes bums me out is that like, I'm like, I know I'm not going to stop no matter what,

because I'm like, I do, unless I going to stop no matter what, because unless I find something that gives me half the fulfillment of even this on its worst day, but that also does bum me out sometimes where I'm like, oh, nothing makes me happy except for this thing, which also makes me very sad sometimes. But it's good to have something. It's good to have a goal. I would rather have this and be failing or flopping around sometimes

than being aimless. It's crazy that you can balance have this and be failing or flopping around sometimes than not being aimless. It's crazy that you can balance that with a with a girlfriend, too. Yeah. Well, she's she's in comedy as well. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, fuck. And we like, yeah, she does stand up and like actor, person, writer. OK, so you both kind of have like the same mindset, which is cool. Yeah. There's a there's a level of understanding that like i don't know if i was going to like hang at a bar show or some shit or like go hang out at the club i'm not on i wouldn't have to explain that as much as maybe to someone who's not in it yeah i'm just gonna go drink and

hang out it's for my job or whatever and the whole i mean dude nowadays you have to be good at explaining things too you know people ask you like you know just to explain the craziest things you know like comedy who you are you know and it's just like dude i don't know man you know comedy's so popular that like even your average person has like a baseline knowledge of stand-up now yeah just so weird how long have you been doing this seven years yeah so that's long enough ago like when it was kind of like a weird thing still yeah now like people know about like open mic they kind of know the rough progression at least it's uh yeah ask you questions or i hate that like i don't tell people i do stand-up if they don't know right away yeah because it's like uh I don't know how to answer their questions like where do you perform and I'm like anywhere anywhere that'll have me like I don't know yeah I feel like it's a hard it's like

impossible to explain yeah they're like what kind of jokes do you do and I just go racist that's what I always tell them yeah it's almost like you don't want to explain it too you know what I mean it's like well it's like I don't know how to explain the jokes i'm like i don't know the stuff i think is funny like it's not i'm not like an all politics guy or something yeah even just trying to like explain you as a person it's oh yeah you know like i dude i fucking cried to a led zeppelin song the other night how am i gonna explain that to that to someone? Dude. You know, I don't know why I cried. Which song was it? Dude, it was like some award ceremony.

Okay. It was Stairway to Heaven. Okay. But they had a chorus. Oh, okay. They had a choir sing the chorus, and I was just in my bed, dude, and I just started bawling my eyes out. And Led Zeppelin was there in the stands.

They were crying, too. Wow. So i was just like damn dude music is special you know like yeah there's something to it that's the thing like hearing somebody do something like that or like i'll start tearing up sometimes yeah that's something i wish i knew how to do to like screamo yeah i will dude i go to screamo concerts alone oh shit you go in the pit and stuff oh fuck yeah dude that's where i get out the get out the demons wait so like um what are you listening to screamo wise um like fucking corn no they may pop in on Spotify every now and then. Yeah. But I like Pierce the Veil, A Day to Remember, I Prevail. I listen to I Prevail sometimes. Yeah.

Who else? Yeah, I went to that When We Were Young Festival last year. Did you see that? It was in Vegas. You know the song by The Killers? Oh, yeah. And the new one by Blink-182 on their new album oh really yeah but it was like all the like punk bands and stuff from when we were in like high school yeah and uh i went to that it was sick i went alone i was just

rolling balls for like 12 hours bopping around i crowd surfed my way into the vip section shit it was sick and i was front row for like paramore and my chemical romance that helps you a lot though like let out emotion and shit like the pit and stuff i do like it but also the music it's almost like it calms me down it's i think it's like an add thing like yeah uh you know how like adderall will like juice people up who don't have it but it keeps yeah i think that's what it is for me. It's interesting, man. I've always listened to...

I don't listen to it as much, but I used to listen to Screamo a lot at the gym. Oh, that's good for the gym, yeah. I used to listen to specific songs. It was by Parkway Drive. Okay. Do you know them? I don't think so. Yeah, they have a few good songs.

Get a little disturbed in there? Yeah, I'll listen to Down With The Sickness and stuff. I was just in New Hampshire with my buddy Charles doing some shows. Yeah. And we went to one of those smash rooms, those rage rooms. You can break shit? Yeah, you pay like 40 bucks and they give you a bunch of glass and a bat. Oh, smash.

It's sick. And they're playing Down With The Sickness and I'm just bashing vases and stuff wow that must have been it was really cool you think that's better than coming it's up there yeah i mean you just do both yeah i did it at the same time it did happen yeah no yeah that was really like the tough thing about screamo though is like you can't you can't really like show up to like a family party or something like playing that stuff i never get the ox cord um by choice generally because i'm like i don't want to like i know what i like and it's not for everybody yeah at least you know dude you know what i mean yeah no it's uh i would never people

ask like oh do you bring your girlfriend to those and i go she is not invited like i don't want her she'll get killed and it's like a specifically you thing. Oh, yeah. You need that, though. I'll maybe go with like a dude buddy or something like my roommate went with me to a show once and we just thrashed. Just raged. He's a big ripped gay dude. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I need to. I've always wanted to be to go to like an ACDC concert. OK. I don't know if you ever seen live at the River Plate, dude. I've not. It's on YouTube, youtube man it's in argentina bro and it is the craziest live concert i've ever seen in my life dude just like a bunch of argentinian chicks with their tits out god like no phones whatsoever bro just people fucking raging dude you know that would have been cool to be to a concert where there's no phones yeah you know just committing sex crimes

just jerking off in public to classic rock dude oh my god dude the lighters that like the pictures you see people holding up their lighters it's really cool that'd be funny if you just took out like an axe spray it's got to be a fucking hazard you know dude you ever light a fart on fire i thought you'd never ask bro yeah um yes and no okay it sucked back in dude well i was with uh i was with my girlfriend at the time okay good start girlfriends are always trying to ruin the fun thing we're just at my mom's place dude and uh i this was a moment in time where i was really like crushing it on snapchat yeah yeah and uh i was like hey like get this on video i'm gonna like light my fire on fire so i had a i had a grill lighter okay and um dude she's videotaping and i light it and i fart and nothing happens and then uh dude i looked up online how to do it and there was just like 20 articles about

fires starting like house fires started because i was like i was like all right you know maybe i shouldn't like maybe we shouldn't do this and then dude bro yeah no joke i got her to try and do it okay and uh i'm videotaping. Dude. She's like... Framing the shot. I'm like... I'm fucking...

I'm zoomed in, dude. And I'm like, no way this is happening. You know, this is like a tent about to rip ass i thought it was about to happen bro and she just goes no no no i can't do it and i was like oh my god that would have been dude that would have been so fucking dude you know how much blackmail i could have had yeah well you have to do bare asshole, I think, right? I think so. You got to get really close. But the thing is,

like, dude, if it happens, dude, you're going to burn all of your ass hair off, which I can't even imagine. Yeah, yeah. I've heard stories about the flame

getting sucked back into people's assholes. Right. Can't imagine how that feels, dude. Yeah, like an explosion in space. Yeah. Just in blows. It like the titanic submersible your body just folds in yeah you just come out of the closet afterwards dude whoa that's how that's how you become gay actually just like an unknown fucking secret dude dude lighting a fart on fire i've yeah i've always

want to try i'm a kind of a pyro. Oh, really? My family sells fireworks. That's what we... Oh, wow. That's our family business. Full time? Yeah. Holy shit. I come from firework stock.

Damn. This is in Chicago? Like three hours south of Chicago. Oh, okay. Central Illinois. Okay. My little tiny, tiny, tiny hometown. Yeah.

Yeah. Damn. Dude, I got hit in the chest with a firework once damn what kind I don't even know man I was blasted I just walked up to a fire and there was a bunch of dudes who were like blackout drunk and they were trying to set off a firework and one of them just threw a firework into the fire oh yeah and I got shot in the chest with it and I didn't feel a thing dude that's that's badass. They were like, that guy's a legend, dude. It's like Homer Simpson getting shot with a bowling ball.

You just walk away. There was a kid in my town. They were having, like, Roman candle fights, and one hit him in the eye, and it, like, soldered his eye shut. Holy fuck. Melted his face, yeah. What the fuck, dude? Yeah.

Is he blind? I don't know. I think, I mean. You never followed up? I think, he had a lot of surgeries. Oh my God. We all chipped in, get him a new eye.

Like a go fund me. Damn dude. Yeah, no, that was, that was nuts. And this other dude who was like a golf pro, that was his whole thing.

His whole job was golf. And, uh, he was holding an M 80 like a real, or like a quarter stick of dynamite or something. It blew up like most of his fingers. Like it fucked him up. Jesus Christ. So drunk. drunk didn't realize so when you were getting blasted were you like fucking around like fireworks and stuff not really i was constantly fucking around with fireworks but like i was pretty good about being safe while also being a

pirate because it looked bad for business if people were blowing their hands off and yeah melting their eyes shut yeah anytime fireworks came around i kind of just like veered off into the distance because i could see like who was operating the fireworks yeah you know no it's it's definitely they are the most fun to do when you're drunk and they're so dangerous but they're pretty good when you're when you're uh safe about it you know yeah i remember um this kid used to throw a party on the beach and he would bring like fireworks from new hampshire and stuff and uh i was like with uh with this girl and uh this was a long time ago dude because i was with a girl and shit yeah like um so they're just fucking lighting off like wicked expensive

fireworks and i was dude i was just banging this chick whoa on the beach in like viewing distance of the fireworks man it was one of the best moments of my life dude god damn that's like a link later film yeah dude if they got a drone shot of that whoa put that on linkedin dude come on the i'm i'm like okay looking for work yeah it says here your special skills what uh i've never had beach sex yeah i mean we were standing up okay that's good yeah i hear the sand can be an issue. I've heard, yeah, I haven't heard great things, man. That and like jacuzzi sex, man. I feel like that would be kind of like, you know, that's like lighting your pussy on fire, dude. Yeah.

Just sucking back, the fire's flame sucking back in there. Yeah, I don't even know if I would be, would you even be open in that, dude? Would I be open to it? Yeah, like if like those situations came into play, you think you would full send it? Or you would kind of be like, listen, I think we should take this elsewhere. Well, maybe now. I don't know. I probably would do it.

Yeah. But my sex drive is evened out these days. Really? Yeah. I can operate in polite society anymore, which is nice. But the beach sex, because of sand gets in, you know. I think that's how pearls are made. Yeah, I think I've heard of people getting arrested

because if you have, like, sex on the beach, that's illegal, obviously. I didn't know that. They name a drink after it. Yeah. It's like, what type of world is this that we live in, dude? Sex on the beach. Yeah. How about a finger in the parking lot?

Yeah, dude. I mean, that might be, you know, that's got to be a good alternative, bro. You know? Not bad. But I've noticed that even when, like, good things happen, dude, do you feel like... Yeah. I'm trying to segue into the strip club right now. Oh, sure. Because I went to the strip club last week.

Really? Is there one nearby? Well, I mean, we brought up the strip club on the podcast two episodes ago. This kid is a true vet at the strip club. And this was wild man so i do a i do a guest spot on the show and the dude who runs it there's two dudes who run it right and i found out after the show that they invited their families to the show so the crowd is about like 90 percent of their families did not know that so afterwards they were like hey we're going down the road to this bar do you guys want to come so it's like me my buddy and then the

two dudes who run the show and their whole family's like at the bar and we're just talking about like farts and tits and stuff and uh their their cousins are like talking to us and stuff still talking about like you know tits and farts and stuff. And this kid I'm with was like, dude, we got to rip the strip club, man. Like, have you ever been? And I was like, yeah, I've been, man. I just don't think it's the right move right now. And the dude who runs the show is like, dude, you guys are going to the strip club?

We need to go to the strip club. And his whole family's there. Dude, so he ends up telling his family. He's like, yeah, we're going to go to the strip club god and his whole family's there dude so he ends up telling his family he's like yeah we're gonna go to the strip club you guys hang out here okay one of the craziest thing i've ever seen yeah ditching the fam i thought you're gonna say they came with no they were just like what the fuck is wrong with you that's wild yeah the people who are too pumped to go to a strip club that says something like dude it was one of the worst decisions i've made in a long time it's not a it's not a good vibe man you know

what what part of the was in new york yeah it was in new york and we walk there you know you like you go in man and they're like yo fucking 700 vip tables it's like, dude, I have $20. Okay. Oh, so it was kind of a nice one though? Yeah, it was really nice. But I mean, I just got humped a few times, you know, I feel like I could have done a better job of humping. You're like, sit down, swap places. Let me, let me show you. Yeah.

But, uh, I just ended up coming home, man. And I'm like riding an electric city bike home listening to like the fray just swerving all over the road dude and uh this fat chick hit me up you know and uh i would have done it man yeah i would have done it that's the sad thing is i would have done that night that night dude i would have done it you know what i mean you get all revved up at the strip club too no release she's not a good look man you know i think i've got like uh there's probably a few You get all revved up at the strip club, too. No release. It's just not a good look, man. You know?

I think I've got, like, there's probably a few fatties in the DMs right now that they're waiting for that moment, dude, where they can just take advantage of me, dude, and I can't let it happen, bro. You know what I mean? They're all just pinned behind a wall, just waiting. Just waiting, dude, for that moment, bro. Have you been to a bad strip club? Like, a really, like, disgusting one? I want to want to go oh i've been to some of those yeah went to one in like east st louis which is like a rough part of st louis and uh remember they had a shower in the room and like a woman would be like showering and i'm pretty sure she started like like fingering herself like squirting on

the window and we're just like throwing wet dollars at her yeah oh my god I went in the bathroom to pee and there's like a condom used condom in the urinal oh dude I'm like we should leave they had a shower in the room yeah wow man that's wild it was wild what's that I might take a trip down dude yeah I went well St. Louis actually is the second biggest uh mardi gras outside of los angeles or uh new orleans yeah and uh so i went to that a few years and yeah i ended up at the strip club and it was grody yeah i mean dude i know i'm like an immature guy and stuff but i'm not really like i feel like i'm no homo i'm like a romantic guy like i'm not really like a strip club type of guy like i want to do like you know i want to carve like i'm no homo i'm like a romantic guy like i'm not really like a strip club type of guy

like i want to do like you know i want to carve like i want to do immature shit that's like romantic you know what i mean like i don't want to be at the strip club at all no i always had a moment when i was younger i went to like a vegas strip club it was nice and these women were like smoking hot but i had a moment of like oh i know you're talking to me because I'm paying you. Yeah. But we're actually like getting along. And it could be just that you're like good at your job. But I'm like, if we met at like a Starbucks or something, we might hit it off.

Yeah, for sure. And that bummed me out because I was like, oh, I know. Yeah. So you thought there was a chance that you might establish like an emotional connection. Or like if we met under different circumstances i'm like oh i think we this could be i love you i think you're like the guy that everyone makes fun of because like you think that the stripper like actually likes you i took i was a i was the best man in one of my friends wedding and it was like a friend from high school that i hadn't like seen in a while

yeah um and we went to a strip club, and he had that. Yeah. To the point where he's like, dude, we should go back. Like, I think I'm one of these girls. And they're like, dude, you're getting married in, like, two days. Wow. And it was, like, a ratty, like, side of the highway strip club. They got divorced, like, six months later.

Damn. So hope he doesn't listen. That's tough, man yeah i had i mean my buddy for my birthday it was like a few years ago we ended up going to the strip club and i didn't want to go this girl like threw a surprise party at her and uh my best friend we took a party bus and we're like waiting we're like leaving and everyone's like where is you know where is he where is he and turns out he was with the stripper for like six hours and the next day he was like dude i thought like this chick actually liked me yeah i was like no he's like yeah man i just ended up dropping like a thousand dollars you know and

i was like dude that's that's so sad man dude it's like and even if they they do actually like you which they probably don't but even if they do they're still going to charge you they're at work yeah god i don't even know man like i don't even know if chicks are actually romantic nowadays you know what i mean like i don't even you know i think they want the the idea of it i think i think romance is just trying really hard or just doing something you don't want to do i think that's romance you think so or it's like yeah like working putting something together making a plan yeah i just mean like uh like hallmark type oh sure you know what i mean like buying girl amnesia dude you saved the day bro yeah you know what i mean i pretend i'm her husband i don't even know if that that exists

anymore dude you know because every time i've ever bought flowers for a girl it's ended terribly man really it's never once gone well do you know what i mean i don't know i think does that make me gay dude to get flowers yeah no it's good yeah flowers are good i uh i got my girlfriend some like really nice flowers from uh because she had mentioned once i keep a gift list in my phone yeah of like when people in my life mention something or like i'll put it in there so i have it for like christmas or birthdays or whatever she mentioned a designer and i got through this like beautiful floral thing it's fucking like 250 bucks and it was like this big but it was like handcrafted it was beautiful yeah it's funny i was standing on the street and all these women were like staring at me like this is amazing and

then all these guys were looking at me like oh i bet he fucked up bad yeah like i bet he cheated hard or something yeah there's almost like a stigmatism attached to buying flowers it does look like an apology like you know showing up that's like every man's ultimate fear is like getting a girl flowers and her like asking if he's gay yeah that's that's like every man's ultimate fear is like getting a girl flowers and her like asking if he's gay yeah that's that's a big one it's gonna get the not gay flowers yeah dude when i i had like the biggest crush on this chick in high school man and uh this other chick had just uh gone through a breakup and she had some steaming tits, dude. And she starts talking to me and this other chick who

I'm in love with finds out and she's just heartbroken, dude. So I ended up getting flowers and I drove to her house in the middle of the night, dude. Left the flowers like in front of her doorstep with like a note and stuff. Okay. She did not like it, dude. She was, she lost her, I don't

think she ever forgave me bro because so you dropped what the notes say i have no probably some gay shit yeah you know poetry just like a bunch of dicks and like a piss stain yeah that's what we gotta as men i feel like we need to establish like immature romanticism dude you know what i mean no yeah like imagine dude imagine you and your girl go like pumpkin picking dude and you just draw like a massive dick in the pumpkin and you get like a 4k photo and you're smiling oh yeah she just knows how happy that makes me so it makes her happy like we need more of that dude dude. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I kind of want the love of a woman to be like the love of your like mentally handicapped child. Yeah, dude. Where you're like, I know it's tough, but like I love him. And actually what he,

the way he sees the world is beautiful. Yeah. You want to be like retarded, but loved at the same time. Absolutely. And to like, it's like if you, one time I had my,

my previous girlfriend, she was so sweet and she meant it in a nice way. She goes, you know, I think if the whole world was as simple as you,

it would be a lot better place. And I was like, are you calling me retarded? Yeah, dude. I would have started crying, dude. Yeah. Yeah, just, you know,

easy guy. Yeah, like if you, put on Top Gun. Yeah, if you could just break out into like a pit at your apartment in front of your girl, what do you think would happen, dude? She would get scared. Really? Unless she could watch it from like a higher vantage point, maybe.

Dude, that would be so funny. Yeah. I was like really low like a handful of months ago, and I was like Googling like where to mosh in in new york city because i'm like i just need something i used to box a little bit just like i was just paying money to get beat up by dominican teenagers yeah in my gym and you do anything now that like helps with like besides like i gotta start working out again yeah just to have like a energy release but no give yourself a fighting chance dude i know you know gotta have

something yeah you really do i do like i mean i like punching and breaking things but i try not to like go through the were you like a wall puncher as a kid no i never punched a wall man i was i was smart enough dude to be like i'll break my fucking hand dude i see i punched a guatemalan kid in the face okay and uh that hurt my hand so much that I was just like, dude, I'll never punch a wall. They've got a strong skull. Yeah. Guatemalans. Dude, they got tough chins, bro.

You know what I mean? No, I was a big, like, drywall puncher. Like, I don't know. I just had a lot of feelings, and I didn't know where to put them. This is interesting, dude. I never thought of you as that type of guy, man. I thought you were just shredding it out there, bro. You know, it seems like you're always like on the road and stuff like traveling.

I'm getting out there more, which is cool. Are you just going like wherever you can or do you have like a. Kind of. Yeah. I mean, I have like a manager, but like he basically now I'm like still DMing and like messaging clubs like, like you would. And then if they respond and it starts something, I'll kind of send it to him just to like I could do it all myself. But I'm like, I don't want to deal with this here.

You handle it or whatever. But then now I got to worry about like selling tickets. So a lot of the clubs, I think they see the like the Instagram and TikTok numbers, which isn't crazy, but it's high enough to like get a response. And then they're like, oh, we don't have to do it. He'll bring everybody. And it's like, well, like it's spread across the whole world. And, you know, it's like you should. I'm not a huge draw in like every market you know maybe a few smaller ones or

like bigger cities i guess but yeah when you're on the road like does it get uh do you enjoy it or do you think it's like oh i like it yeah yeah it's cool everyone describes the road and they're like yeah man it's lonely and i'm just like that sounds great man it sounds it's nice like being in a place and like not i don't know if you feel this in new york and stuff the like anxiety that to always be doing something yeah like sitting at home at night feels like bad or like he's like i should be at a show i should be doing a mic i should be editing or whatever uh so it's nice having that to know what you're doing for your job to be comedy for that short amount of time that that feels cool.

Going to see, like, Saw 10 by yourself, that's fun. Yeah. Oh, dude. You did Jimmy John's in the movie fucking thing. Like, yeah, it sounds lonely, but that sounds great. Take some Oxycontin at the aquarium. Yeah, you're just going on adventures. Normal road shit, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, no one understands, man. Like, if you go on adventures by yourself, like, that's so much fun, man. It is really good. You know? It's not good in excess like anything else, did you read sam talent's book about a road i read the preview dude because i have a kindle yeah i gotta i gotta i i mean one of the best books i've i mean the only book i've read about stand-up but like it does describe the road in like in that type of person in such a cool way yeah i read it and i was uh i'm just an

idiot dude i think you can only download kindle on like an actual web browser you know so i i read it and i was like damn this is kind of sad but it's also like very oh it's yeah it's a hit the heart dude yeah it's like have you seen the wrestler with mickey rourke there's another new new movie with uh zach efron no but that movie looks good isn't that called the wrestler that's called like the iron claw or something yeah pretty similar though kind of i think this one's about like that one's about a family of wrestlers yeah and uh the wrestlers like mickey rourke's kind of like a washed up former former like sensation yeah and then he's just like doing shitty like road gigs but for wrestling yeah so

it's like he's getting like stapled and like fucking beat with a bat and like yeah working at a deli i'll have to i'll have to read that man because i uh i saw sam talent live dude and it was like one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life you know typically like when you see people i mean we just live in like uh, everything's online now, dude. And, like, people are, like, clipping things and, like, manipulating everything. And, like, just to see Sam live, dude, I was just like, should I just quit comedy, dude? Right. You know what I mean?

Like, he's one of those guys who's just so in it. And then you find out, oh, dude, this guy is literally, like, top three, one of the funniest guys in the world. And you go, oh dude this guy is literally like top three one of the funniest guys in the world and you go oh this makes sense now dude those that's the thing after doing stand-up and stuff this long i used to be such a cunt about like i like i like writers and like joke writers and i like the craft and it's like i still do and i appreciate it but like just be funny like yeah like watching rory scoville go up and like use a tablecloth as a cape for 10 minutes i'm like that's more funny than anything i've written or whatever dude i've i've been lucky man to know that from the start yeah you know

because i've never been a big writer i've always been a big thinker sure you know but big idea my thoughts are just like revolutionary if only they could get out somehow especially when you move here everyone's like dude you gotta sit down bro and just write every night and it's like no you don't man you really don't yeah like you got to get out there and be funny like that's what you got to do yeah you know i think i coming up in like chicago and then here you do get that because it's like you get three minutes or whatever less sometimes where it's like, oh, I better have something or else they'll hate me. Yeah. So to like make friends, you had to at least have like some jokes. So it's like I feel like everybody who I came up with started as writers and then are like, OK, now how do I develop my like persona or personality?

Yeah. Then where some people go up and they're like just a personality, but then they have to figure out how to, how to craft something, whether it's writing or whatever. Yeah. It's weird, man. Cause there's like no blueprint for comedy and it's like,

you know, I was just at the fringe festival in Edinburgh and I'm watching these like clown shows, you know, people are fucking mashing their dicks between plates and stuff. It's crazy. Holy shit. You know,

comedy stuff, the fringe. But it was like, Oh, there's no rules. There's crazy. Holy shit. You know, comedy stuff. The French. But it was like, oh, there's no rules. There's no rules to this. I'm like, why is this funny? But it is. Yeah. It's like unhinged.

Yeah. Absolutely. And it's just like the confidence some of the people have to go up. And I'm like, you probably had to bomb with that. Or you probably still bomb sometimes. Yeah. These weird things you're doing. And to just stay in it and not freak out

yeah it's hard man like the whole inner i don't know if you have an internal dialogue but i do dude it's just the n-word it's a bad one dude my inner dialogue is so bad bro and it's just like at the end of the day man you just gotta like do shit and like get out there and stuff and really simplify things but yeah there's just no blueprint man and everyone's trying to figure out like the blueprint it's like there is none dude no there's literally there's no secret man like just like you just got to get out there and figure it out dude and i feel like there's more paths now than ever before which i think is ultimately good for the artists but it is stressful it's like i call it the netflix effect of like trying to pick like am i

going to be a podcast guy or do make the clips or do whatever it's like there's so many options that a lot of times i just think about all of them for a little and they go to bed well the biggest thing is like you got to listen to yourself too for the most part yeah if i listen to other people dude i would be so fucked right now i wouldn't have a podcast if i listen to other people yeah yeah people were like dude just wrap it up man right the masses have been saying telling me to hang it up so yeah that's tough man just being like fuck you guys like i'm gonna do my own thing and like yeah and they're trying to make make stuff that people like yeah i don't think that works absolutely not dude it's like i think you should i hate when people make some like you see like some art films that are like you disregarded the audience entirely it's like think about like

phrasing it in a way so people understand it but like do shit for you that you think's funny exactly dude yeah it's like you're stuck with that's what i realized at the fringe because i did my show like 20 times yeah and i realized like some of these jokes i'm like i i'm so bored with this and i'm like if it's not killing i just like want to die like this sucks yeah i mean at the end of the day it's like dude you get like you're selling yourself dude like you're selling your personality like if you're not going to be yourself then just fucking go play in traffic dude you know i mean dude it's funny when i met my girlfriend on our first date she had seen some of my like you know had stalked my Instagram or whatever and seen some stuff.

And we get to talking. She's like, you're a lot weirder in person than you are in your clips. And I'm like, I'm working on it. I'm trying to get that out there. Trying to open up more. Yeah, I'll start humping the stool or whatever. She gives you the Korean light, dude. But, I mean, we'll wrap this up, dude.

Where do you live, man crown heights where's that uh brooklyn kind of by prospect park all right yeah well dude um thank you guys for listening i will do my first ever ad read bro oh yeah no i'm just kidding it's not an ad read but the podcast is sponsored by putt light golf um like i was telling eric dude it's just two dudes out in montana no homo and uh they sell beer teas and they got a lot of custom labels which are pretty cool so if you use code salami you get 10 off dude so and then also please uh join the patreon man you know you get access to early release episodes uh discounts and then we're also going to start taking like phone calls and stuff which will be exciting dude that'll

be good man and then uh yeah dude if you want to publicize anything um now's the time bro yeah um you just check out my instagram you know all the social stuff it's just it's pretty much eric scott comedy on everything eric with a k fuck yeah and yeah i make a lot of sketches and shit too um that's kind of what i'm working on oh yeah it is yeah i'll put the link for that in the uh the description oh yeah thank you for coming man like i said i've seen you online and it's kind of weird having you here now but it's crazy how life works life is it new york city baby oh yeah i appreciate it appreciate you for coming brother of course man thanks for having me thank you