The Johnny Salami Podcast - Ethan Mead

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

Ethan Mead by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laugh Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Laugh Music Laugh Music Laugh Oh, I'm hurting. You probably hit her with straight-up dick pics after that performance, dude. That's absolutely not what I did. I was playing.

I was really clutching right there. That was my flu game. I mean, you were emotionally invested in that. It really would have been nice. You really were. It would have been nice to walk out of there with a beautiful wife. I was upset when you lost, man. Do you remember how that went down?

Yeah, because you were about to win, and then they saw my look, how I look, and they were like, if this kid doesn't win, you might shoot this place up. I think the lady who owns the coffee shop was like, no, no, no. I'm begging you. You need to still win. I'm about to lose everything if this guy doesn't win. Yeah. Because they literally changed it, dude.

You were about to win. Yep. The fix was in. There was some sort of delay. Yeah, they were getting the call from New York. Yeah. By the way, we're talking about everything comedy. Yeah, the infamous everything comedy. Comedians on a date getting drinks. Yeah, I should put the call from New York. Yeah. By the way, we're talking about everything comedy. Yeah, the infamous everything comedy.

Comedians on a date getting drinks. Yeah, I should put that link in this episode so people can watch it, dude. Yeah. I mean, that was... Did you even know it was going to happen when we showed up? I thought it was going to be a live show. Yeah. I thought there was going to be an audience.

Yeah, exactly. I thought there was going to be... I figured they were just literally going to rip off, like mentioned to you at the stand, where there was like a curtain up and we were gonna be bachelors one three three have you done that i've never done that i really want to do that for real yeah you got like some stuff prepped uh no i'm really gonna resort to my actual sure oh you just do improv i guess i've never done not like real improv fuck you fuck you yeah that was uh dude it was crazy man because when i showed up you remember when i took a shit no i don't oh really when did you take a shit that was uh dude it was crazy man because when i showed up you remember when i

took a shit no i don't oh really when did you take a shit that was like the first thing i said to you when i showed up i got a shit that was cool dude so i ended up having the balls to like go shit because the chick hadn't showed up yet and dude so i'm taking a huge last one there yeah i was taking a huge shit bro and she was waiting to use the bathroom. And that was, dude, that was our first, like, that was our first meet. Hello, I'm Johnny. It's very nice to meet you. Literally, dude, we introduced each other.

I was like, hello, I'm John. Did you stink up the joint? It was one of those bathrooms, dude, where it's like you could have blown it up. And, like, it was properly ventilated. But if it wasn't, I don't know if they would have followed through with the show. Would have been a haunted toilet. Smell like fucking burnt hot dogs. You know what I mean? You don't seem like you eat kale and stuff.

You seem like it's a lot of processed material. I'm a stream of livestock, dude. Elk. Do you take care of yourself? Do you eat a lot of protein and such? Yeah, for like a week and then for another week I'll eat like fucking, you know, shit. Okay.

I'm getting back. I just started like seven times. But I've been getting back into hot dogs. You fuck with hot dogs, dude? I actually don't like them at all. Really? Yeah, no. Which is a big issue in my family.

You're like a big baseball guy too, right? A huge baseball guy. You just don't like hot dogs. I hate a dirty water dog. I think they're gross. I used to sell them at Citi Field. For real? Yeah.

That was probably the best job I ever had. How much you make? Decent money. For a night as like a fucking 18-year-old kid, like 250 bucks. Oh, shit. Not bad. Yeah, not bad.

Was your fucking sales pitch good? Yeah, it was me. I would yell. I would do the hot dog like bellow i would cry out hot dog and i'd be like come on guys and i usually got a kick out of it be like all right fat boy alert him in it was cute yeah and then they upgraded me to beer i actually got promoted damn the beers yeah did you feel like uh did you miss like selling hot dogs uh no actually i didn't not at all i crushed my hand in between the a girder and the hot dog crate once oh shit and i still have a scar yeah is there like a are you just assigned a

section yeah i was in uh 500s 500s uh it's like the highest seat you can be oh so you're selling them to poor people yeah yeah yeah and you know they don't know the value of a dollar so they're at mets games hoarding this shit. Yep. Broken fan base. Broke. Animals, dude. Yeah. Absolute fucking savages. Hated these people.

And then the Cyclones games are great, too, because that's like Coney Island trash buying hot dogs. Is that AAA? That is. Not even. It's like single. I think it's single A short season. They sell tickets to that? Yeah, dude.

They're like $4. They're fucking great. Holy shit. You walk out of there with more shit than you paid for. It's excellent. Have you never been to Coney Island? No, dude. I guess I'm a Red Sox fan, dude. I've only been to Fenway.

I don't like baseball, man. I used to be in love with it. It sucks now, dude. Did you get injured? Yeah. That sucks, man. I don't know if it was my injury that made me not like it. I think it's more so

the way the sports evolved over time. Yeah, what did you I don't know if it was my injury that made me like not like it. I think it's more so like the way the sports like evolved over time hmm a Sport of baseball. Yeah, right used to be a big fat guy eating cigars and cheat on his wife Yeah, could show up once a week just alcoholics who are just really yeah Bombs and now it's like you can't even fucking and then like how are you gonna hit a 98 mile an hour slider dude yeah you're right you're exactly just like fuck this dude when you're drunk too remember when they started like uh they started canon guys for like uh drinking shit during the game this might have been like uh just the red sox yeah okay who was it that uh someone was drinking it might have been

lester john lester something he was drinking no fucking way yeah he was drinking that dugout with like someone maybe papal bond or something he looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome for sure yeah i feel like he probably needed i mean they all do yeah what a crazy thing to say all baseball players have fs yeah i mean they all do i all do. I mean, yeah. I don't know. I just feel like it used to be more exciting, man. Now it's just like a bunch of fucking dudes with tits just complaining about shit. That uppity Jackie Robinson came in. He just ruined the game for the rest of us.

Yeah. He's a good classic man's game. Dude, I remember I went to a game at Fenway, dude, with my girlfriend at the time. Awesome. And she never laughed at anything, dude. Like, you could say the funniest shit, and she just laughed and it was so upsetting man okay and uh dude we're sitting at fenway we have the best seats and this dude was selling uh peanuts and he would throw the bags to you yeah if you were that's awesome yeah so this guy winds up and launches one like two sections up and hits this

girl in the face uh that was next to my girlfriend i've never seen my girlfriend laugh so hard in life dude she laughed for like two innings straight that's awesome i was like that lady just got pegged really hurt she got really hurt she's like very she's like visibly upset too i once had a girl in my life who would not laugh at anything i said but really liked like people's misfortune yeah and i was like oh you're evil you're a sinister woman so weird man dark designs yeah it's true they just laugh at other people's pain i laugh in glee when my brothers are lifted up really that's more my that's what's funny yeah you want you're like a spirit animal to like a lot of people you think am i a spirit animal for a lot of people yeah yeah that's a thought i've had for a sec man thanks man my life is good my life is really awesome damn dude what's your spirit animal john probably bub dude

the fuck dude oh the you said bub the dog yeah you said a bug oh it's like all of them any bug i think just my movie it's just like bugs life spirit animals but yeah yeah it's You said a bug. It's like all of them. Any bug. It's just like Bugs Life. That was a good fucking movie, dude. It's tough. That was the thesis I walked out of there. Bugs Life. No life for me. I'm not trying to get squished.

But that's like a brotherhood, though. Just building fucking ant farms and shit. You know what I mean? It was kind of an allegory for the military industrial complex a little bit. Really? Yeah. I don't know. I thought it was an allegory for like pussy.

I thought so. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. See, I was thinking that hopper, the grasshopper,

because he was like creating a imaginary war to get all the bugs to like unite against a common enemy, which is the bird. Is that what the military complex is? Yeah, I thought that was the military complex. That's actually an allegory for pussy. Let's get into it, though, dude. What is that?

You watching like a lot of conspiracy shit? I don't really. Well, I kind of just come up with my own ideas. Yeah. Yeah, I think I have a pretty. Give me like a crazy one that you're thinking about right now. A crazy conspiracy theory that I have. Don't like, don't sugarcoat it either sure um i think uh here's one i've been thinking about you know

have you heard you do game war zone fire good answer actually play fortnight like a baby girl yeah um but there's this game hell divers out now okay uh and the whole concept is you're like a space marine i guess and there's like like an ongoing war against like computers and there's like bugs invading a planet and then like robots invading another planet yeah uh and there's this whole like propaganda in the game of like you know you know go spill some spill some oil kill some fucking robots like it it's World War II. They invented this whole propaganda machine. And now people on TikTok are like,

this is how we create a colonialist country is you're dehumanizing robots, which are already not human. And now how easy is it going to be for you to go over there and kill Palestinian children in 10 years? So I think that game was created as a way to make uh liberals look even worse wow because they're creating they're trying to make us look like we care about fake video game bugs uh more than we care about people that's deep man yeah that's the kind of fucking stuff i think about yeah and i haven't had pussy in about three weeks.

That's not that long, man. Is that a long time for you? It's inversely related to the length of your hair. Okay. So if you have a lot of hair, you can go years. But if you don't have a lot... Thanks for telling me that, man. Seriously.

Yeah, you're like a camel. It gives me some hope, man. Yeah, you're good. I don't even remember what a pussy looks like. How long is the drought? So long I can't even remember, dude. Damn ass. Yeah, you're good. I don't even remember what a pussy looks like. How long is the drought? So long I can't even remember, dude. Damn ass. Yeah.

That's good. You really need that. I think if I saw a pussy, dude, I think I would just come out of the closet. Ew. Ew. Yeah, I wouldn't even know what to do, man. You know? When you started watching porn, were you ever, like, scared?

Never. Me neither. That's the only thing that's keeping me going dude is just spanking pornography yeah i i really hate oh man i need to have this conversation with us i've been gooning it's really fucking bad actually gooning you don't know about that no you seem like you were such like a an internet rat no and you're definitely more culture than I am. A hundred percent. I love, that's not culture at all. It's the opposite. It's just brain rot. Really?

Gooning is like marathoning, beating off, just sort of like a steady jerking off X amount of times for X amount of days in a row. So it's like a marathon

kind of? Or like a lifestyle, you mean? More of a lifestyle. Yeah. Because the marathon ends. Exactly. Lifestyle is forever. That is true. Well, marathoning is a lifestyle. yeah because the marathon ends exactly lifestyles

forever that is true well marathoning is a lifestyle people run marathons like different phases like a lot of training goes into it don't you wish you could you could just went to mit and your hobby is running marathons i think if i wasn't doing comedy i'd probably i think you might have to do that yeah i think if you didn't do comedy just to stay alive, you'd have to do what are those things called? Triathlons? That's the only way to get pussy now. People are turned on by that, you think? I think the people that we would attract.

So our two options are petite chemical engineers, Vietnamese immigrant, so our two options are like petite chemical engineers yeah vietnamese immigrant um just these small petite bony women yeah just like japanese women who oh yeah broken english yeah exactly words but fuck can they smoke whole ass yeah they smoke yeah that's awesome smoke like marlboro reds and shit that's great yeah i need a i need a girl who um wears her dad's uh military jacket and like a korean one yeah yeah yeah oh dude that'd be fucking sick she it's just the jacket too like nothing else that would be awesome yeah she's covered in like dirt she has no teeth it's just like you come home dude she just

starts blind firing at the walls. But you own like a drywall company. Business is good. That's like why you're with her. Get you a girl with severe PTSD who's going to blow holes in the drywall in your apartment.

All your revenue is just from her. You just pocket that. She had like a rich family. Just write it off as a mental health expense or like a war crime yeah i just build the korean government every time my girlfriend has an episode yeah i've been thinking about that dude like if this gets bad this whole like spanking journey i mean it's going pretty well, man. Sometimes I jerk off, and I'm like, dude, this is way better than sex.

Camping. I'm not even kidding with you, man. That's scary. That's a scary thought. I think it's just because, like, I don't know, man. I just know, like, what's good in the hood, you know what I mean? Sure, yeah. You know the fastest way. I know what's under the hood, yeah.

Right. Yeah. I do like the aspect of rolling over and going to sleep at 2 or 3 in the hood you know what i mean sure yeah you know the fastest i know what's on the main street right yeah i do i do like the aspect of rolling over and going to sleep at 2 30 in the afternoon yeah i've tried going to sleep without jerking off dude and i just can't yeah it feels like something's missing i'm so fucking proud of myself when i don't really i feel like i feel like i didn't piss the bed i feel like incredible you notice a change in your life at all i feel like a big boy what's that when i you feel like a big boy when you don't drink oh i don't trick off to go to bed yeah i feel like a grown adult holy shit i know it's incredible i feel like a psychopath dude to just jerk off full of like probably a nanomilligram of semen at that point no like if i if i don't jerk off dude i'm getting i'm getting hard like on the freeway you know what i mean holy yeah you're a horny

guy for sure yeah yeah especially like after the gym or something you got all that like testosterone I'm getting hard, like, on the freeway. You know what I mean? Holy fuck. Yeah. You're a horny guy. For sure, yeah. Yeah. Especially, like, after the gym or something. You got all that, like, testosterone and stuff. Interesting. I thought that was supposed to burn it off. I thought that's why you went to the gym.

Oh, no, dude. Thought it was a good substitute. You get to rock hard. Fuck. Yeah. Damn it. All right. Because you're just surrounded by, like, tits. You're the mayor of Titty City for, like, an hour or two hours, and then you just have

to, like, forget about all that shit. Titty City. Yeah. That's right. I used to you just have to forget about all that shit. Titty City. Yeah. That's right. I used to spank in the morning after the gym. Damn, man. Wow. I just saw so much there.

I was like, I can't. I don't know if I really carry it that much with me. I don't really see a beautiful woman. I see a beautiful woman, I get angry more than anything. I don't really get turned on yet, because I'm just like, when will I be happy? Yeah. Well, you've never, I mean, you're from here, right? So you've never seen-

Ugly women. Yeah. Never in my life. Wow. I know, happy. Yeah. Well, you've never, I mean, you're from here, right? So you've never seen ugly women. Yeah. Never in my life. Wow. I know it's tough. You've never seen, you've never seen like a normal woman then you've only seen like New York trash.

I guess not. I mean, I, yeah, I grew up in like South Brooklyn. So I saw like a lot of like, like coffee girls, like mental illness.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, or that's like the kind of mental illness you can just disguise as being Italian or Puerto Rican. Yeah.

Those are the cool, that's really cool, those two nationalities. You just get to be like, I'm this, so I get to have, you know. Like the ESL excuse. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had kids like that who would scream penis and they would blame it on that language, dude. That's so cool. You put them in special ad for being Palestinian.

Sorry, buddy. This kid threw a baseball bat at my head once because during practice I threw the ball over him. And then he was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And they were like, oh, okay, that's fine. Because he was from Egypt. They were like, we don't have to kill this kid we didn't have to call the hurt i was crying laughing in my bed the other day dude because i was thinking about this kid brennan who i used to be friends with and this kid was like dude this

kid had tits and he just had like the funniest face he's just like one of those kids you could like look at and fucking laugh you know what i mean i miss those kids man he tried out for baseball though in middle school dude he showed up with a walmart glove and the coach was hitting steamers for ground balls and dude he would just get fucking he would block the ball with his knees and then he would just pick the ball up and he threw it so far like over the first baseman's head that it kept hitting like the fucking door inside the gym you were playing indoors that's that's great but the coach was like specifically he was like listen like don't break anything uh-huh you know what i mean yeah and behind the first baseman was like a wooden door and then like a set of bleachers just breaking everything

just crushing shit with like a straight face too did he like did he get into the outfields is that what i hope happened he didn't make the team like no way yeah get out of fucking canon i know dude i was like yo let's keep him yeah yeah really we gotta harness that rage do you ever think about like uh your old friends just start crying dude um start crying no i do get like a deep sadness i really think about the people i wasn't good too because i because they weren't um i don't know they weren't they weren't good enough for me quote unquote what did they not have that you want to i don't know i don't i don't know money really i really yeah i had like a really nice friend group my freshman year of college and

um i guess i was just miserable and i was like it's probably their fault because they're not like cool enough yeah and then i went to art school and i've made like cool you went to art school for two years i went to art school yeah i know right i can see that too thanks did you wear like a skull cap uh no when i tell you i started doing that three weeks ago i was like no no this looks right oh jesus yeah i'm really i'm really going down a dark path hope my dad doesn't watch this When I tell you I started doing that three weeks ago, I was like, no, no. This looks right. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I'm really going down a dark path.

I hope my dad doesn't watch this. Wait, so you went to, oh, shit. Yeah. That's what art school got you? Just got that inked. No, I just got that. Just that? Oh, man. I think art school didn't kick in until about six years later.

Wow. But I'm now getting fucking line art tattoos. What made you go to art school, dude? I really wanted to, I was just a school, dude? I really wanted to... I was just a huge nerd, and I really wanted to write for television. So I went to... It was a fine arts school, but it was mostly a film school. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, what does that have to do with art, though? Film is an art. Yeah, but if you wanted to be a writer for comedy... Oh, yeah. I went for... It was a general production major. It was called visual media arts. I went to Emerson well, it was like a general production major. It was called Visual Media Arts.

I went to Emerson College in Boston, which is a fucking dump. Every podcast I've been on, I've managed to bring this place up. I fucking hate it there. Really? Yeah, some of the worst people in the world I've ever met. Just like, are they just like entitled? Yeah, pretentious. A lot of people are not talented, very clicky. I got canceled for unsavory humor on the set of a production.

What did you do? I was fixing a girl's mic pack on her brassiere, and then she was like, can you fix this? I was like, honey, you got to get that dress out of the way. And then she was like, wow. Oh, so you sexually assaulted someone. No, no. That's exactly what people that's exactly what people took it that's exactly what happened legitimately and then i and they were like you

can't come back and i was like awesome yeah so i got kicked out of the film uh yeah i feel like that's what happened like in your mind yeah but in like in real life there was like a play going on and you just like you just ran out on the dude. Like slid like you were sliding into first bake and like ate a chick out. That's literally all I did. All I did was. There's nothing wrong with that, man. All I did was say the R word in a tweet. And then I just like full first baseman dove into a girl's pussy and got stuck head first.

Dude, have you ever thought about that? Sliding into like a woman. Never in my life. Really? I think about that all the time. Sliding in. I think about, like, you know how when you slide into a base you tuck one leg under the other like strong oh yeah yeah yeah you don't slide with both if you were talking head first oh you just head first i feel like i'm eating a girl out on a baseball slide it'd make more sense to

leave with my head up there dude dude? If you slid head, like a girl... Okay, so I pass home plate and then I do like a pop-up on my knees like Mookie Betts. Yeah, imagine a girl just like, she's super hot and she's wearing like a dress

or something. I'm imagining it. Right, she's at the park and you start sprinting towards her. Like if you're going to slide under her. I would never do that. You're going to get under there though, dude, you got to have a good slide. I would just truck her.

Really? Yeah, I would just fucking just knock the ball out of her hand. Okay, like strip sack? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just yell. I forget why I was doing it.

Just yell. Just throw a shoulder. Like yell ball security. Yeah. Sorry, ass receiver. I would never hurt a woman. doing it just just yell uh just throw a shoulder like yell ball security yeah sorry ass receiver i would never hurt a woman yeah i'm surprised you don't have those thoughts man i don't i don't have a ton of violent thoughts towards women honestly well i wasn't thinking about it like a violent way i was thinking like an artistic way right like during a play or something yeah like like the

play is going like super you know what play is it maybe like mcbath or something oh yeah high drama okay sure it's like super intense everyone's like emotionally invested yeah and then you come out of the back room and you do the slide and eat her out right everyone's like what the fuck yeah i go alpha six never die yeah there's no fraternity called alpha sigma on anywhere i can yeah i would um yeah i would not do that yeah yeah that's to see that would be that would be true art to me man it's so cool that i am legitimately afraid of this conversation destroying my career really i'm actually afraid to get canceled i'm pretty much always afraid yeah i uh yeah you think that's a brooklyn thing dude i think it's a brooklyn i mean i mean emerson definitely put

the fear of god in me because i just really was retarded and trying to like be wow dude that it instilled fear in you yeah dude yeah wow i have um yeah you just stopped drawing dicks stopped drawing yeah well my my comedy is very different because of it like i don't say any of the cool stuff i say in my personal life on stage. Dude, you got to stop being a pussy, man. Serious, man. You're right. You're right.

I didn't think of it like that. I'm tired of this shit, dude. Once I get to a certain point, once I get a handshake from, like, I don't know, either Tim Dillon or Shane or somebody. That's all you need, man. Then I'll start saying retard on stage. Yeah. Your mom was about to come home. I mean, that would be sick.

Yeah. Because she doesn't live here. Yeah. That would be crazy. What's going on? Yeah. I don was about to come home. I mean, that would be sick. Yeah. Because she doesn't live here. Yeah. That would be crazy. What's going on? Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know.

What's up? What's going on with like the... Cancel culture. Isn't there... Well, I mean, this might get you canceled. There's like clubs in Brooklyn that will like cancel people for things they say on stage and stuff. Yeah.

I know TC is very much like that. Tiny Cupboard. Yeah. I can name names. Some people will figure it out. Yeah, I don't know. I've never really run into that problem. I always seem like a really overzealous club owner trying to police the

vibe of their place. Tiny Cupboard is like we don't stand for that kind of humor but like all the people they're getting are like Dutch immigrants not your Dutch tourists we're like yeah we want to see real American comedy that's when the funny Jewish guy calls the Holocaust retarded yeah I guess what they want and then they isolate those kinds of people yeah that's unfortunate man makes me sad mm-hmm I'm like moving I don't have any edgy jokes or anything, man.

I was going to say, it's not high art either. I don't know if you've ever seen my comedy, but it's a lot of like farting and stuff. So you can't really take me down for that. You did sophomore slump once and I remember you fucking killing. I don't remember your stuff though. Oh, really? Yeah. You don't remember doing it or you don't remember killing?

No, I'd have to think really hard to be honest with you. I probably didn't know anyone there except for Grant. That was uh i think i might have been the first one to root 52 now you were doing really great and then i was i was angry because i had to go up after you i just don't want you to think i have like edgy jokes or anything no man i think you're cool yeah i think you're great yeah but i think i'm like uh with everything going on i'm kind of like leaning towards like homosexuality dude no it's just upsetting man it's so hard to flirt with women nowadays

it is man I tried to flirt with a girl they literally sentenced me to 10 years in jail in terms of like no in real life a police officer came and said that's against the law you have to go to prison this was at Emerson? no this was in Manhattan this was on the Lower East Side

said excuse me ma'am you have a beautiful smile. And he said, that's it, buddy. You're going away for a long time. Holy shit, man. I know. It's fucking Biden's America. Dude, I don't even know anymore. Like, how do you even get arrested out here?

You literally have to, like. What do you have to do to get arrested? You literally have to, like, behead someone. And even then, like, you might get out on bail. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever watch, do you go on tiktok ever no i had it for a few weeks yeah you want to hear something dude i do so i get tiktok because everyone's like you have to get tiktok and i put up uh one of like my infamous clips which is about

a chubby chick who i had sex with like on a boat in front of like a chili's and uh it's a long story was the chili's in the lake where was the chili's by the water awesome yeah dude very cool legendary story dude yeah so that's the first clip i put up and then she happens to see it on tiktok and like i wake up one morning and i'm like looking at my phone and i have like 10 texts from her who i haven't talked to and this happened like four years ago and she was like take down that clip right now wow yeah yeah but the weird thing was it's like that clip had been on instagram for a long time she just hadn't seen it oh wow yeah just saw on tiktok yeah did she follow you or she came across did it like blow up she just came across it i guess i think it's because uh there's like an option on tiktok that'll like um it'll

just link you to people with like your the like your contacts like friends or just like your phone number right like oh yeah her phone number was in my phone so she still liked you enough to be like a synced contact right yeah were you guys on good terms before that we just i mean that just happened man we never talked to each other again. Were you guys on good terms before that? We just, I mean, that just happened, man. We never talked to each other again. But yeah, we were on good terms until that happened and now she's never

going to talk to me again. What? Yeah. What the fuck? Did you drop her by name? No. Oh, okay. I'm trying to like, you know,

maybe if I see her again, we can like mend. You know, run it back. Maybe go back to Chili's or something. Where is this Chili's? It's in Rhode Island. You'd really have to take her to rhode island to fuck her on the chilies boat that's where she's from oh okay all right so go for it yeah that sounds pretty easy yeah man then i just uh yeah i ended up deleting it man i don't do it do you think it's really you think

it's like all humans or do you think it's more like Chinese people? I think it's a... It's a lot of bots. It's a lot of bots. I mean, I always fall into the trap. Oh, yeah, what I was saying is I watch general hospital clips. They'll basically just steal clips from cable television shows and then put them over somebody running

an ice cream scooper through a bucket of kinetic sand. So it's like satisfying visual and then like low drama and then i'm just like just sucks you in just eating it like fucking royal jelly just fuck yeah so do you know what that is that like sucks you in um what part of it exactly yeah um they always have a hook where it's always something like uh whatever you can't arrest him just because he's chinese and then you're like i'm like and then they'll They always have a hook where it's always something like, whatever. You can't arrest him just because he's Chinese. And then you're like, I'm like, and then they'll start with that.

And then they'll start the scene from the top. And I'm like, well, how did we get here? Yeah. And then when I kind of get bored in the middle, then I start looking at the guy playing Subway Surfers. And I'm like, well, what's he up to? And then I'll check back in. It's literally just a perfect. It's almost beautiful. Yeah.

It's like a sonata of Like dopamine hits. Yeah, and then like at the end you're just like well, I just accomplished nothing I just burned 45 seconds and then I click on the guys fucking page and I want to see what other clips from house there's a loan or SVU clip that I really wanted to really want to bring up which is a it's a it's a woke liberal gets a really want to bring up which is uh it's a it's a woke liberal gets uh sexually assaulted and uh they find the guy and then she's like i'm not pressing charges against darnell and they're like why and they're like his people have been through enough and she won't prosecute a rapist because he's black oh man and i'm like this got somebody in wichita kansas furious so fucking

oh yeah that this live action documentary uh of people not prosecuting black rapists yeah people are different uh like down south dude you got that i've never i've never been but i know that people message me and worse i've had some people message me and it's like i will say though the the girls are they're ready for war man they're just different dude what does that mean what does that mean they're ready for war dude i've had so many uh not so many but every every girl no no girls ever you know message me obviously but when they do they're from down south and they immediately just send tit pics without any dialogue. Thank you.

And I'm like, dude, God is good, man. And I never answer. I always get a nice young lady who will say something like, please, let's go on a date. And I'm like, really? Are you sure it's a lady? I don't know because I was on private. So maybe not. What do you say then?

Sometimes nothing. I went on one TikTok dateok date actually went pretty good i got scared and then i didn't call her after two we went on one tiktok date oh yeah on tiktok yeah are you famous dude uh not really okay i have i'm not gonna look at you differently i just didn't know no i have a small i have 20 000 followers it's a lot of followers. It's decent. It's, it's, it's something kind of famous on Tik TOK then. I'm a, what's, what's smaller than micro nano.

Probably just my dick. I don't know. You're like my dick famous. Very good, man. I'm like, I'm like John's dick famous. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a, yeah, I have a very small, you can message people on Tik TOK. Yeah. You can DM people. I,

she just commented on a bunch of my stuff and DM me. And I was like, you're so beautiful. Yeah. That would be so sad though, man, to, if you guys like fell in love just be like yeah we met on tiktok i don't give a fuck i would take anything at this point for real my buddy met his girlfriend of a year now on hinge and they're wonderfully i will fucking i will tell you anything yeah i was uh i was writing out how fucking sad i was yeah i was like i thought you had a girlfriend dude that girl who showed up after we did the everything comedy thing no no no you guys just friends not my girlfriend yeah we had our time but it's uh it's past yeah

for a reason in a season too good to be true dude what happened we did not belong neither of us were making each other happy interesting and you're friends now uh we are friends now i'm really um believe me it doesn't come easy yeah but i'm really trying to be the kind of guy to uh like be friends with someone if i like them and not let my like gay emotions get in the way wow so i don't fucking love her how do i put this aside just like i don't know deal with it be a man just like always be around her tits yeah exactly you get numb to them eventually cool now she and now she's got guys she's got a crush on i just go okay cool cool cool cool it's not someone sent me a picture of uh my ex with uh her new boyfriend i love when guys do that was it was it a friend of yours yeah friends are awesome oh yeah when we uh when we broke up i'd

always get messages from uh from some of the boys they'd be like you know your girl's on uh on hinge right now right it's like a week after you broke up thanks man thank you why yeah why the fuck would you tell me that i don't know i kind of i don't know this girl just like broke my heart too she didn't really break my heart went on one date yeah i was really anywhere and then she was like i don't want to ever go out with you again um and then my buddy no i was like oh you know he might be moving in with my she might be with my my friend and i was like that's great didn't want to fucking think about her i don't want to think about her at all can't wait to see her again dude this is crazy because like uh i don't know a study just came out someone wrote an article that about something we've known like you and i have known for years which is like 70 of females, uh, bad start. That's a really bad start.

Females. Like, uh, find men to be like replaceable. Like they replaced men like immediately after a breakup. And like, dude, I've been, I've been telling the boys this for 10 years now, dude. Yeah. You know, we all know a girl who, uh, would be like in a relationship relationship and then a week later has a new boyfriend. That's old news to me, dude. That's not like...

It seems like nobody in a relationship fucking cares about each other. I feel like there's... Because I see the way people date each other and I'm like, oh, you don't care about each other at all. Yeah. You just hang out all the time and get dinner. You just cheat on each other and shit. But you just cheat on each other and you yell at each other.

You're like, yeah, I don't really... You've been together for nine months. You're like, I don't know if I love her. I'm like, bro, well, you fucking spend all your time together why do you not love her oh yeah just don't date her at that point yeah well girls have access to so much cock dude that is true it's just like a directory of dicks like you can just true you can just pick and choose like whatever you want yeah whatever like it doesn't bother me at all. That doesn't bother me at all. Think about having a book filled with tits,

dude. You can just pick. You can just call them up. I hope this is chicken soup for the incel soul right now. I really hope that some young men find some light in this conversation. It's hard to be a little guy. Someone got really mad at me once because I said it's hard to be a young man.

Like a woman did? Yeah. I was talking to... I'm sorry. I'm not being regal. I just have something on my throat. I was talking to one of my many female friends. And she said something like...

I don't remember what I was talking about. She was like, man, it's kind of hard to be a man sometimes. I was like, yeah. I mean, it's hard to be anything, I guess guess and then i retold that story to somebody and i was like yeah this friend of mine was very empathetic you know she's like let's acknowledge that i was having like male related problems and then she was like oh so she's like a pick me and an idiot and i'm like oh you have like no empathy at all you don't think it's ever difficult? There's anything particularly difficult of being a man ever? Like, is it probably easier on the whole?

Yeah, I guess. Like, like, yeah, better odds being president. But like, it's so cool being a dude, though. Yeah. Even if you're, I was getting too smart. I was saying too much. Even if you're not. I was saying too much pussy shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Even if you're not getting pussy, though, dude. Yeah. It's the best thing. Guy friendship seems better. Yeah. I love hanging if you're not getting pussy though, dude. Yeah. It's the best thing. Guy friendship seems better. Yeah. I love hanging out with the boys.

I love hurting myself. Yeah. Like falling over, dropping shit. Well, guys are cool. Podcast just fucking, we just graduated Harvard. Just a bunch of dudes clearing their throats. Well, being a guy's cool because imagine just a big book of tits fucking idiots we've talked about baseball a big look at hits this

is the most educational it's been a guy Potter and yeah this is the most it's been in a while to bring the table man what that might be yeah what was i saying so being a guy's cool because and i said something about yeah i love hanging out with my friends falling down and hurting myself oh well yeah because dude guys guys can tell a story dude just by saying dude yeah dude i was yeah you're right you can just say you can say dude and i'll be like dude i feel like i'm there right now that is that is like that yeah listen up all eyes on me right now yeah a quick dude or dude fucking and then you're like oh whoa this is about to be some yeah oh yeah it really calls the spirit to attention i love guy stories i remember this um we went to dinner once it was it was me a couple of my friends and this girl i was seeing at the time and um I love guy stories. I remember this. We went to dinner once.

It was me, a couple of my friends, and this girl I was seeing at the time. And I don't remember why we got her so bad. But I think about what we kind of, the situation we put her in. We just got her ass. Because she was telling a story that was kind of going nowhere. And then we all just like, I don't know what we said. It was like, science has created the world's first sentient woman. Watch as he tries

to tell the first ever story in under 10 minutes and then we go oh god we spent so much time asking if we could we never stopped to ask if we should like insuring you a woman who could speak was a kind of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park yeah I was like that must been really unkind because if I were at a table of all woman calling me like a pea brain cave man, I would have flipped my fucking lid Listing what was that? Uh the Last Supper? That's in that yeah No, it was hot pot dude. There was a dude and uh in college he was like six four shredded and he was

talking to this girl at a party and she was telling him a story and he just kept saying penis as she's telling the story as she's telling the story and they ended up hooking up yeah i watched the whole thing yeah that's fucking huge you want to talk about like depression dude i saw the whole thing i was like holy shit like dialogue does not matter just broken nose yeah i could do the blade runner yeah watching with your face all lit up oh dude i could have sang to that girl's tits and just you know getting a call the fuck dude it's my fucking girlfriend is that the is that the chick it's matt hansel oh i'm gonna say you should answer matt hansel you suck is that the same guy that called you on the uh yeah

yeah he was the one who lied on my behalf damn yeah no he's a legend it's really great that he made that bit work like he was the funniest part of that sequence yeah nothing he was super casual about it too nothing out of it whatsoever. They're both calling me. My face got really red. On the Johnny Salami podcast. Go ahead, God. I was saying during that whole thing, my face ended up getting like pretty red.

Yeah, you were pink. Because I just went right into it. The first joke was about how much I hate feminists. And she was, dude, I literally thought she was going to hurt me. Like it was bad. But then I was like, wow, I think she kind of likes this dude. You know what I mean? Like that thought kind of crossed my head. I would be willing to bet money that no one has spoken like that to her in a very long time.

Yeah. And I think part of it was like, hmm. She didn't kind of like this. Kay Suprise. What the fucking... Can I call Matt Hansel for two seconds? Sure do. Hey, man, I'm on the Johnny Salami podcast. Can you stop calling me? No, come on, man. Put me on. Me and Noah are here. We want to be on the pod.

Oh, shit. What's good, Matt? Alright, you're live. Oh, great, man. Tell him to say something good. Tell him to ask a question. Say something good. Ask a good question. Ask a good question?

Yeah, we were talking about how you came up with gills on the spot for that clip, and then you got nothing out of it. What's that? You came up with gills on the spot for that dating show clip, and then you got nothing out of it. I guess it's your time to speak your piece. Yeah, we're recording. Six feet is really deep, bro. I don't know. job of hiding the body. You could have did that half-assedly.

Six feet is really deep, bro. I don't know. I didn't want to. Who wants to dig that big of a hole? Yeah, I didn't know it was going to rain the next day. That bitch washed up on my porch. We kind of lost you there. You're right.

All right, good riff, guys. You guys have fun. All right, I'll talk to you later Those are my two best friends in the whole world Dude put me on True legend man They're great They're really funny but they don't get what they deserve Like a lot of great comedians What?

Yeah you're right When does that stop being true? You're you're really funny, but you know get what you deserve. Well, obviously you're not that funny then are you Oh people telling you that? Yeah, oh man, you're so good. You're showing your face or like yeah, Roe e. Rosen. You know him, okay? He says that to me all the time. You're fucking great. You're so naturally funny You're gonna would you figure it out? I'm like what it will obviously I'm not that fucking good if I don't Like an insult. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of acknowledging that i'm not very good would you rather someone just be like dude you're you fucking suck i'd rather just not say anything to me really yeah we don't have to say nothing

yeah yeah i don't because i don't like when people lie i wish people i wish tough break was more accepted in in society you think he's lying about how great i am yeah um he's lying i think he probably just doesn't know what he's talking about okay i think you just don't think he's a reliable i think he genuinely thinks that i'm good i don't think that he's um yeah i don't think that if he was that kind of guy he would be like a king maker in hollywood yeah i'd rather someone just be honest with me. I wish after, if you ate shit, someone could just look at you and be like,

tough break, you know, get him next time. Oh, I would. I would say that to you. Yeah, oh, thank you. Well, I would laugh my ass off. I appreciate that. I laugh so hard when people bomb. I laugh pretty hard. It's the funniest thing in the world.

I do it partially as like a favor, because when it's dead quiet, I'll just throw out like a, as in that stunk, but it's funny how bad you're doing. Oh, yeah. Because if you get off stage and someone's like, hey, man, like, that was good. That was great.

Yeah, don't fucking lie to me. That means you bombed. Uh-huh. But. I love when people give you like backhanded shit. Like I did my, I have a big show tomorrow, Bragg. And I did like my classics yesterday, just to practice. And I was like, yeah yeah you were playing the hits

and i was like oh fuck up yeah i could do new stuff too and it would blow you out of the fucking water it's interesting i think this might be a brooklyn thing guy who doesn't care well no interesting i genuinely think it's a brooklyn thing everyone's very like narcissistic and like condescending you know like no one really when you go to other places man we do comedy in other places like uh boston or like rhode island or something like that or like chicago like people will watch your set like other comics will watch your set and like talk shop with you yeah but i've noticed here like no one watches anyone's set yeah like no one's like supportive it's it's just like a bunch of it's everyone just like in their own bubble dude i

think the glut of mics is kind of counterproductive sometimes because people are so like oh i can get so much done in a day i can do three mics and i'm writing all the time in between those but you're not interacting with other comedians you're not engaged in their sets yeah not even really thinking about how your last set just went because you're in such a hurry to get to the next one um whereas if you're living like fucking people good comics come out of like dallas you know what i mean yeah and if you have two mics a week you're really fucking working hard on those two mics yeah i mean a mic is just kind of like people just look at it the wrong way yeah and this is just my opinion but people like you're right about it you know people like oh i'm gonna

hit this mic and this mic and it's gonna get me booked or whatever but it's like dude no one gives a fuck about like how many mics you go to yeah no yeah i used to get upset because i would go to like uh i would go to these mics and there would be dudes who were like they would like tell really edgy jokes and all their boys would be laughing and i'd be so jealous you know i'd be like why can't i make them laugh and then i would see those same guys this guy's friends laugh yeah because they were like the popular kids right and then i would see those guys at actual shows bombing their fucking dicks off and i was like oh that's right none of this matters yeah it doesn't make any sense you have to make a random guy on the street who you've

never met before laugh not like some 30 like five-year-old jaded ass stooge yeah i don't know i don't know what i a lot of the time i'm like okay i'm either gonna do well at this mic and then it's not gonna matter because comics don't laugh at audience jokes or i'm gonna bomb at this mic and then it's gonna suck because i'm like why did i even come here so the only thing that really matters is doing bad and even bad shows or those feel productive just getting them like if i do a bad show in front of nine audience members like that's more productive than like a crowded mic with comedians yeah i don't know i don't really i just don't get the whole mic uh hype you know what i mean like i just don't even take it like to me it's just like it would just be like going to batting practice you know what i mean

like i know it's gone it doesn't matter you know also you don't get the amount of time like if you have eight minutes you want to practice like you can't do an eight minute mic that doesn't exist anywhere and then if it does you're paying like fucking 12 for it yeah but paying to do a mic it does help it helps so much to go to him though because like you're like sharpening the sword dude like if you're not prepared for war then you know then quickly i shall fall julius caesar i believe so that two two um god-tier veterans dismantle and dissect comedy for your listening pleasure yeah i love how jaded i am two fucking years into this thing it's so cool good analogy man thank you you're only two years in uh it's gonna be two and a

half next month, I think. Yeah. I'll start November 2021. So you're just like a piece of shit then. Two and a half years? It's like nothing, dude. Yeah, I know. Well, I started when I was older.

It's like I still need to get shit going quickly. I can't make it. I guess I can. I don't know. I need to make it. I know. I guess I can't. I don't know. I need to make it. I need to be really... I need to be rich and famous or I won't be happy and God won't let me into his kingdom. I would pay to

see you make it and then just be like, this fucking sucks. I would too. I kind of... That's what scares... That really scares the shit out of me. Is I kind of see all the shit that I want. And I talk to guys are like that. I promise you it's not going to make me happy.

That's not gonna make you happy. It's not. And then I am like, well, I don't want to do anything else. So I still need to trick myself into thinking it's going to make me happy just so I'll do shit. Yeah. Cause either lie to myself that this is going to make me happy and follow this path or literally rot and do nothing and get fat and hang out at my mom's house.

Yeah. I think I just want to like. Is that funny? I just want to do it for. I think it'd be cool to do it for a living and just be kind of like an underground guy. That would be awesome. Like make enough money to like do it for a living, but like not have any fame or anything like that i want to travel so bad yeah because i like going places but i don't like going places for no reason but if i'm like yeah i got to set up in calgary i would just fucking hang out

in calgary for sick like travel yeah dude comedy skate see whatever the fucking opera house looks like i certainly have one you're like barely breaking even but yeah fuck yeah i make 50 dollars on the weekend that would be cool that'd be sick never own any property that's gonna be so hard to be famous and like still like be funny yeah like you have everything do you have any famous people you think are still funny when you when people say like you know who's a god chapelle agree disagree agree yeah you think he's you think he's hilarious? Yeah, well, my favorite comic's Nick Swartzen, but he's going through it right now, dude. I saw that clip of him melting on stage.

Yeah. It bummed me out. It was sad. I kind of wanted to, like, I wanted someone to reach out to him, dude. Give him a hug. It was right after I read that book right there, too, Running the Light.

Yeah, I was flipping through this earlier. You should read it, man. I might, actually. I'm reading Infinite Jest right now because I'm a genius there's a moment out of the book where it's like veteran are you farting right now oh yeah this veteran comic kind of like loses it on stage he does like a guest spot for Norm Macdonald

in the book and he kind of has like a breakdown on stage and I like just finished reading that and then the whole Nick Swartzen thing came out who's obviously like who was good friends with Norm so it was fucking weird I was like holy shit how um

how apropos was it like a Michael Richards thing like an n-word type situation who the fuck is Michael Richards is that his name Kramer oh yeah no no no not that bad Like an N-word type situation? Who the fuck is Michael Richards? Is that his name? Kramer. Oh. Yeah.

No, no, no. Not that bad. Carpet N-bombing. That wasn't cool. Yeah. I wanted to come out here and disavow Michael Richards. What did he do? I said the N-word at the comedy store.

Was it there at the Laugh Factory? Sorry. Chappelle had a thing where he like talked about that right she's the most beautiful one i've ever seen in my life oh hey man so sorry that i break the fourth wall yeah guys you suck wait so i didn't I never saw this. What happened? You never seen it? I saw what Chappelle said about Michael Richards. Yeah.

I haven't seen it in a minute. I think that there's a black guy in the front row heckling him. I think. Either that or he's just straight up bombing. And then at some point, he just gets in the guy's face. He's like, oh, everyone look at him. Look at him. And then calls him the N- n-word what and then everyone's going oh no um and that and then he uh wasn't really allowed to do anything after that because that's as bad of a

meltdown as you can have that like ruined his career yeah and then he went on comedians and cars getting coffee and jerry's like well i forgive you really he's like thank you jerry holy shit yeah that's wild How did I not know that? It's so awesome. Did they still have the video of him? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You can,

you can pull it up. Just him dropping the hand bump. And we don't condone this. Yeah. There was a video I saw. It was like this old man on the highway and like a fucking, uh, like a Kia SUV. going like fucking 80 miles

an hour dude and he just lowers the window at like two white people and just starts dropping the N-bomb over and over again for like 15 minutes straight like he has veins in his neck they're like dude on the driver's side window yeah of his own

car he's like on the highway he's going like 80 miles an hour with his head out the window and they were both white men that's cool yeah wow that's when you know the world is like you know something's going on something's in the water oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. That man is not well. We pray for him, though. Yeah. I love highway driving. I didn't know. You from Massachusetts? No, Rhode Island.

Oh, wow. That's great. You seem it. What does that mean, dude? No, your energy. You seem like a Rhode Island kind of guy. Just a relaxed guy. Do you use, yeah.

Do you use drunk drive up there? Used to, yeah. Yeah? Everywhere except New York. Yeah. I mean, you can't there? Used to, yeah. Yeah? It's everywhere except New York. Yeah. I mean, you can't even drive sober here, dude. You'll lose it. Yeah.

It's like falling down. You'll absolutely lose your mind. This is literally the shittiest place on earth. That's not true, man. You don't think so? Baghdad? Yeah. All right. The Uyghur concentration camps?

Yeah. I would say are probably worse. Just like the U.S. This is a night in the country. I don't even know if that's true, man. Really? Gary, Indiana. Give me some pros to New York City.

You're not going to like this. It's the best public transit system in the world. Okay. Maybe not in the world. Probably certainly not in the world. In the country. This is a grid system. Yeah.

It's the easiest to navigate. If you've never been here before, you know where to go. And then the trains always run, never shut down. Might be late, but they're, you know, relatively clean. Let me think.

What do I love about it so much here? There's people. I don't find it like, I fucking hate being in an empty city. Wow. I feel like the apocalypse just happened. Yeah. I'll go to like Cincinnati

and there's just like a fully constructed town and nobody in it I'm like well why did we even build this what was the point damn if they had known that work from home was gonna be coming in like 30 years I don't think they would have built like I don't know Houston yeah why why what do we need it for people are going to the office just to eventually not so wild living here like I remember moving here and being like oh like it's not going to be like it's going to be bad but then you see like what actually happens you're like dude how is this even fucking legal you

know what i mean it's like crazy shit what kind of shit are you saying well yeah okay yeah i guess i'm just really numb to it honestly the horrible i've seen like three stories in the past month about someone just getting beheaded like dude you know how fucking crazy that is to just be like walking down the street imagine like being on a date fucking crazy that is to just be like walking down the street imagine like being on a date with a woman and you just see someone just like yeah yeah i always i love um my my i love when i live with my my family and uh my parents watch abc nightly news yeah so they'll they'll do like the bottom of the hour and then the top of the hour. You live with your family now.

I live with my family right now for another week. Okay. And then move back to Bushwick. Okay. I feel like the need to say the whole thing so that the girl who listens to this doesn't think I'm a loser. Yeah.

The singular girl. We'll do the bottom of the hour, which is like a puppy fundraiser at IS-187 goes off barkingly or something like that and then you know all right i'm nora o'donnell then open up hi i'm lester holt uh three latina babies burn to death in the bronx i'm like fantastic that's great yeah and then it's horror stories for 90 minutes and then one cute piece about like a volleyball team yeah Yeah. And then just like, you know, gang shootings, 18 car pile up, there's uranium

in the water. Yeah. Gowanus Canal is a dead dolphin in it. That really bummed me out. Dead dolphin washed up in the river. Yeah. It's like, get out of here, man. What are you doing? There's no place for you. Yeah. This is New York. These streets don't play. Have you ever been robbed? No, but I always think

about, it's always like the small things that make me upset like people don't hold doors for people here I do that man that's good manners I helped an old Chinese lady carry her her carriage up a flight of stairs wow dude good man it was cool

some people think chivalry is dead dude but it's still alive I guess yeah just you gotta be old and Chinese I'll take Rick area. If you're a hot, if you're like a hot girl, I'll get scared. It's just weird, man. Like the small things really piss me off. What? Holding doors.

Holding doors. Just saying like basic shit to people. That drives me really crazy, actually. If I, you know, get something and I'm just like, all right, thanks a lot. And they don't say anything. I'm like, actually go fuck yourself. It's in my mind. Yeah.

I wonder what it is, though, dude. I wonder what led to this. Hmm. Because I think the crime rate was actually higher in, like, the 90s and stuff. Yeah. But we didn't have, like, social media or anything. I think if we did have social media back then,

it would be crazy. Oh, yeah. Like, it would be, like, all-out genocide. It went really... I feel like it... Crime really all all out genocide it went really i feel like it crime really went down after 9-11 because giuliani kind of just became the golden boy he's like yeah we're gonna let cops uh move into your house and we'll just watch you is that what he was like uh julia he was he was pretty strong cop yeah him and bloomberg i think i think bloom Bloomberg killed Stop and Frisk. I don't remember. Was that a supermarket? He just shot up a supermarket.

We were all really mad about it, yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. They put in a Whole Foods. He's like, you guys value this shit? There goes the neighborhood. Do not make it. He's got an M60 strapped to an ATV.

Riding up on a trike with a bazooka she's got like a dildo on his forehead i'm the mayor he's blowing up the cat food section yeah that's what i would do if i was michael bloomberg oh dude if i was a new york like a city politician dude I'd be doing crazy shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You see, well, I like that the mayor got his ear pierced after he won the election. Did he? Oh, yeah. He's got like a little pirate hoop. Is it Brian Adams?

Eric Adams. Yeah. Very close. Brian Adams sinks heaven. That's right. That's right. That's a jam, dude. Eric Adams had a hot quote, which is like, my haters will be the waiters at my table of

success bro you don't you don't have hate you're the mayor of new york city yeah haters i feel like don't want you to succeed at the open mic people shouldn't be mad at him either he's just you know he's getting strings pulled you know what i mean someone's pulling the strings for him he's being puppeteered i wonder who it is though dude you think it's um say it i forgot his name dude he's a legend forgot his name he's a legend though uh oh ebbs brady oh yeah yeah he's probably still alive out there he could be drinks yeah, can't believe can't believe it Do you see that? Yeah, I forgot you're all seeing look

The documentary Dan Schneider no Dan Schneider the Nickelodeon pedophile No, he's he was like the creator by Carly and Drake and Josh and all that Oh really and he apparently was like a horrible like abusive and all that oh really and he apparently was like a horrible like uh abusive man to all these like little child actors really so we're doing clips of all that and it's like the it's the it's the show your uncle penis day school and then you show your penis to your uncle and he's like very nice and that's the sketch and everyone the 90s is like this is hilarious yeah this is good stuff back then they were like this is good yeah it's kids just covered in like like translucent slime that he like you know like

spills on it was like whoa this is like this really weirdly horny sketch comedy yeah what's going why is everyone a pedophile like in hollywood and stuff you're asking me yeah i don't know i wouldn't know that's the only reason i'm not in Hollywood. Yeah, I wonder if they just get so bored, like, we gotta spice things up a little bit. Mm-hmm. That's how the... That's what unites them. Yeah.

It's like, you know how all, like, sorority sisters are evil? You don't know that? Yeah. And they all become nurses. Yeah. Because they all take care of each other once they get out of college

because they all, like, beat freshman to death in their rush week. Yeah. It's just like a group. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you get in it like bane capital yeah i try to uh i try to be open-minded though and think like you know like why like if you're in that situation dude like if you've got you know if you're set for life money-wise and you get all these connections and you're just like, like, bored. Like, for me, dude, like, eggs and toast, that gets me fucking riled up.

But for someone like Epstein, like, that's not going to do it. Not doing it. Right. He's going to need something, you know. A little bit more. A little bit more toast. Fifteen. A little bit.

He's going to need two or three more pieces of toast. Yep. So, just so we're clear, eggs and toast in this metaphor is women of legal age. Yeah. And then more toast. I should have said like biscuits.

Biscuits and gravy. It's like butter and a biscuit. Mm-hmm. Like having sex I think butter in the biscuits like just eating a chick out oh is that what that is yeah but I've never buttered it's only one way to find out dude yeah

I don't I've never eaten a chick out I mostly just lick the thing yeah I don't go that's interesting yeah I'm gonna clip that just put that on LinkedIn they don't they do not like that Come on man, I got a corporate job. Don't do this Yeah, it's all right. They're gonna fire my ass anyway

Cuz I'm bad at it. Well, it's been It's been an hour on the dot dude. Yeah, have you got enough? Every episodes an hour man, that's yeah. No, it's good. I don't know. Yeah, I don't want you to get upset. I'm not mad No, I just want to make sure that we got enough a a material. Yeah. No, dude. Yeah, I appreciate you for coming man Thank you for having me. I had I'm not had a great job. I can do like I'm not like your other friends Did I really? They bust my balls quite a lot. A lot of your friends told me to have you on like when I first moved here I just wasn't ready yet man. They have me on when i first moved i didn't know anyone oh yeah they're

like we should have ethan on and i was like who's ethan that's great that's really nice what the fuck yeah just to boost your serious thank you for saying they'll they usually just say a lot of heinous shit about my my tattoo and no just like hey man like i don't know anyone here like who should i have and they they mention your name. Thanks, John. I appreciate that. Just letting you know, man. And then... I like your pants, dude. You can barely tell they're wrinkled.

Thank you guys for watching. Ethan, what's your social media? Anything coming up? It's not coming out for tomorrow, is it? No. Great. I'm going to be headlining in Long Island on April 5 5th that's a big fucking deal for a guy like me oh yeah dude yeah so i got a sketch show in april for follow follow ethan me forever on instagram for all my

all my big tour dates yeah and you're tiktok famous dude and i'm tiktok and follow ethan me forever on tiktok for that shit oh yeah man it's. It's good. And now you. Yeah. Thank you guys for watching. Yeah, I've got nothing coming up really. Oh, do it, do it. Not bad. That was... And coffee and kale for breakfast. I thought that was going to be more powerful.

No, I'm more of a... More of a Beretta guy than a machine gun. One second. That's okay, gun. Hold on a second. That's okay, man. It's your podcast. My dad just died. I'm just going to look up this...

What the fuck is this thing? All right. what the fuck is this thing alright yeah alright April 4th I will be in Maine April 5th I will be in Maine April 6th I will be in Boston April 7th I will be in maine april 6th i'll be in boston april 7th i will be in boston

and i will put those shows up on my instagram uh unlike usual man you gotta start you gotta start promoting stuff you know you can't be scared anymore yeah so yeah dude put yourself out there my boys in maine if you live in ma or Boston, please come support me. Please subscribe to the podcast. Please follow Ethan on his ish. And thank you for coming, dude. Thank you again. Thank you for having me. This was so fun.

Oh, yeah, dude.