The Johnny Salami Podcast - Frankie Hoy

Episode Date: September 3, 2023

Frankie Hoy by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Yeah, man, I used to have, like, I'd, like, wake up, dude, rip some pre-workout, and then I would get like 400 milligrams, dude. And then I would go to Starbucks. No way.

Get a Trenta iced coffee, bro, with an espresso shot, like the biggest coffee you can get. Oh, Trenta's the big one? Yeah. It's like the big swinger, dude. Yeah. And then like throughout the day, I would have like two monsters, man. And I used to have to commute like an hour and a half so i would be on the highway just like screaming stuff dude you

wouldn't it wasn't even for the gym or anything no dude it was just i was just staying alive dude where were you commuting to uh work like back in the day dude like a year ago yeah what'd you do for work? I worked at Joey's Beef Barn Nah I'm just fucking kidding But dude You ever Like Dude I was stalking

Your Instagram dude Your van's sick bro Thank you I brought it Really? Dude we should fucking Blow some donuts bro Dude my

When I was a kid my dad had like a a jetta yeah and he would let me borrow it and it's it's not a it's not a a car where you can do donuts and but i would give i would tell my homies let's go do donuts and i just drive it around in the dirt fast in the circle was it an automatic or a stick i'd like just turn it and just put the e-brake and pretend like we're doing donuts and dude i had a friend uh when i was in high school he was like a little bit autistic bro yeah and he picked me up in his uh his volkswagen it was his first car and he didn't he didn't even know how to drive it, dude. And it was a stick shift. Yeah. So he picks me up. He's going like 45 in a 20, like in my neighborhood.

He runs like two stop signs. That he's approaching this really dangerous stop sign i'm like dude you gotta stop bro and he dude he just popped the shit out of the clutch dude you just heard dude it was bad man and then he stalled uh he stalled in like a really like major four-way intersection yeah in my town dude and he couldn't figure it out he's just like fuck man but uh i got a homie who stole his dad's truck and uh he took it on the freeway on on second gear he was going like 80 miles an hour just like 15 miles jesus did he get caught or no no damn dude he was scared to shift which like the hard part is getting into first yeah that's the hard part yeah i don't dude i have no idea how to use a stick shift at all no yeah i would definitely pop the clutch for sure yeah i was a

a truck driver for a little bit well for like six years and shit oh really and uh yeah it's surprisingly easier like a 16 wheeler dude 18 oh shit do they have 16 wheelers yeah they do actually you call them pussies and shit no but no but they get they get uh mad like you know you know the box trucks the boxing drivers so those are class b drivers and number one time i got hooked up with one during the pandemic yeah and i was just riding passenger and i told him i had my class a and he was like i'm a truck driver too yeah and i was like yeah dude sure like i know you want he's like no like fucking all you guys out here calling me not a truck driver and i was like it's fine dude fuck damn but they get they get like small man syndrome dude for like yeah yeah and it's like just take a test and you'll get your class a dude like yeah how hard is the test the the test is pretty hard you do the it's a walk-around inspection test where you gotta like

check the tires illegal welding and all that stuff and then you got i just have weird thoughts dude i was just imagining you in like an open parking lot dude like going through the test it would just be funny if you like that's what it was it's like an open parking lot and stuff you gotta go around like cones and shit that too yeah so you could like fuck it up you could shred it dude you could like gas an 18 wheeler yeah yeah dude yeah zero to ten and like in a minute really how how long would it take to get to 60 60 miles and it would depends if you're loaded or not like what were you hauling around uh stretch film you know that you know that is and it's like the plastic grab you know what they wrap around like in pallets

the product so it doesn't tip over oh well that shit it's fucking heavy oh it's heavy yeah shit dude you know what scares me bro is the ones, like, they haul around fucking tree logs, bro. Oh, yeah. Dude, imagine if that fell off on the highway. That'd be fucking wild, dude. I'm sure it's happened. There was this game, I think it was called Wipeout. Do you remember this game? I think it was called Wipeout. Do you remember this game?

I think that's still a thing. It wasn't that big with the tree logs falling off trucks? Wipeout, Wipeout. I think Wipeout, isn't that still a show? Yeah, yeah, but I don't think it was called that. It was this game where you were a car and you would get points for causing destruction. And if you hit those tree log trucks, you would get extra points. Is it Bang Bros?

The porn website? Wait so No so Those things are actually heavy though The plastic wrap The plastic wrap Yeah dude It's like

It almost goes over You're allowed to carry 80,000 pounds In the truck In the truck Gross Holy shit But So

But empty I think Is like Like 35 35 000 and you gotta so they could load it with 40 000 pounds of that and they would always go over like a little bit damn dude but dude i was talking about the walk-around inspection of the truck so it's you walk around check the tires and open parking lot and then and then uh that's one test and then you you gotta check the the air brakes so you go inside you got to check the air brakes. So you go inside and you like drain the air brakes and like let it build up. And tell the lady what's happening. So you took a test before this though?

Yeah. Well, no, no, no. This is like the test to get the license. Oh, wow. And then you drive around with the lady. And then you do a backing test where you got to back into cones, which is what you think is funny. Wow. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious, man. How back into cones which is what you think is funny wow yeah that's

fucking hilarious man how many people like pass do you think they they failed me the first time because the the for it was like the walking test i mean the walking test the driving around test the lady literally gets in the truck and she goes um i had you know what's happening she she gets in the truck and she goes this is before my lunch break so let's make it quick and i go all right and then we're like driving around and like like maybe like 30 feet before like a left turn she goes make a left turn right here make a left turn here and then i'm like it's not safe and i keep going straight and she goes you failed take me back so she just wasn't like emotionally invested in it no she didn't care

for me at all yeah and then i i saw her like go to her car and eat like her sandwich. Was she fat? Yeah. I would have been pissed, dude. I was heated. What type of sandwich do you think? For sure, salami. Really?

Yeah. It was like a long one. That would have been sick if she was just eating like a straight up salami, dude. Like one of those ones you find in like the fucking meat freezer. Are you Italian? No, no, no. Just Irish, bro. My mom, she's a deli manager though.

Oh, yeah? At Market Basket, bro. Yeah. So when I was younger, dude, we would go in the fridge there and just, we would take those big things of salami and we would like have sword fights with our cocks and stuff with your cocks holding us holding the salami no we put it between our legs pretend it was me and my boys dude is that how you got that nickname no or is that your real name no it's because of my nipples dude salami yeah yeah damn when did you get that my nickname you're like your first summer going in the pool

i'd like to take a few tests and stuff then i got knighted bro dude i'm so fascinated with like trucks though dude really that's why you said that makes like every time i'm on the highway now yeah i'm just like like i'm always next to a tractor trailer and i just i never stop thinking about what would happen if it, like, crashed or something, dude. Yeah, me either. One time, a tire exploded next to me when I was, like, in my car. And this shit's loud, dude. Like a different car?

A different, like, I was driving a regular car next to a tractor trailer. Oh, really? And one of the back tires exploded. What? And it was one of, I think these are the most dangerous ones it's the the containers you know like the ones that you see on trains too and shit they'll put those on on like beams and then it becomes like a tractor trailer holy shit so but those they they don't really have a lot of inspection for those yeah and then those drivers get paid by the load so they're the most dangerous drivers so they're the most dangerous drivers so they're fucking just booking it back and forth to oh they have a time constraint it's like the

dogs i feel like i see those dudes at night bro yeah it's like fast and the furious but for a fucking tractor trailers dude because i'll be going like 80 dude yeah i'm trying to get by them and they're just like it's almost like they're trying to race me dude they are like that they do have an ego about them truck drivers are um very mean dude very mean people because they just want to be on the road and they just want to be going get to their spot yeah it feels like if you make like one small mistake yeah it's over man yeah i had a i had an uncle who or see a cousin i don't know some guy in my dad's side of the family who flipped his truck because he fell asleep, and he had his son with him. It was fine, but, like, mistaking a truck is, like, fucking enormous.

Yeah, that would be crazy, dude, if someone was, like, super blitzed, like, stoned. Yeah. And they had to load one of those ones that carry the logs, and they just forgot to strap them down, dude. You, like, hit 65, and then they all fall off. Yeah. Well, the speed limit in California. Dude, I seen that. You know the doubles?

Because they're somewhere like doubles where it's like the small ones. I think they're like 25 feet long. Oh, the smaller ones? Yeah, but they're allowed to attach two or sometimes three. Holy shit. Yeah, I've seen them like a guy. Because they're always in a hurry, so they skip the pre-trip inspection, which is one of the tests. Oh, really?

And it's also like the main cause of accidents is when you don't do your pre-trip properly. So I guess he didn't hitch up the two trailers he had correctly. Yeah. And he just flipped over. One of them just left the other one. So it was like a flip trailer, and he had just a like, flipped over. Like, one of them just, like, left the other one. So it was, like, a flip trailer, and he had just a small one. Wow. Dude, one time I missed a tire.

Like, I got to my destination, and my tire was missing. You just didn't even know? Like, the inside tire? It was both of them, yeah. Wow. And you made it all the way there, dude? Yeah, dude. I have no idea when it went away. Wow. were you uh what do you do on the road though like if you're going for like

are you on the road for a long amount of time or do you have to like take breaks uh i only did cross country for a little bit with it was teams i think legally there's like 14 hours you could do and you have to take a 10 hour break but after eight hours you have to rest 30 minutes and i think you could drive like five more hours yeah dude because i worked for amazon man and uh there were days where i'd get so tired bro i would just like forget where i was yeah dude like legitimately dude like i remember it must have been like seven o'clock at night dude and i was i was working since like six in the morning yeah and i was just ripping monster drinks all day dude just no water

and like cookies and stuff man and uh it's like seven at night dude i'm like starting to black out a little bit and i go in the back and i have like two more stops left so i'm grabbing this box oh oh you were driving yeah dude i'm grabbing this box dude and all of a sudden there's like a legitimate thunderstorm dude so this huge lightning strike and thunder comes dude and it was so fucking loud bro my vision went black for like seven seconds and i was just like oh yo dude it was wild man yeah have you really been so tired that you start hallucinating yeah a little bit i actually started because the the house i was delivering to look like the fucking the shining dude it was it was so scary man they had like little dolls inside

wow yeah i thought i got out of there real quick i just threw the fucking package down i was like yo i gotta go man dude yeah one time i was driving for um i don't know probably 12 hours and like the trees they just started to look like like they were taking shape in some forms like dragons and stuff and like you just gotta pull over dude you don't you don't kill anybody but one time that i forgot how to get to my house wow like i passed my house like three times i had to put the gps on to get to my childhood home that i lived at jesus after like a long day yeah it was like a like a long shift because i used to drive i'm from california i used to drive from riverside california to las vegas nevada every day which is like in a regular

car it's uh eight hours round trip but in the semi truck they could take up to six hours because you're like you're like heavy and you're going uphill and shit like that yeah the other thing is like drinking water man like i wouldn't drink a lot of water looks you don't want to pee because you have to piss yeah and i i always i would just take a piss on my truck yeah in like a residential neighborhood oh yeah i do that now it's kind of disrespectful dude like i would piss on like packages on packages yeah because the packages were in the back oh and i was i can't piss on this dude's lawn so i would just piss on like the door in the back and all you get everywhere dude i'd be like all right well you don't have like a bottle

dude that's risky man because uh you got the salami dude you know how when you like piss in a bottle yeah you like think you're done oh yeah then you pull it out dude and it's just leftovers bro you're you're shooting the windshield man yeah but you're like peeing like the whole stream on the floor yeah felt good man like it's better to just best toward my day honestly dude i would try to make it through like the small crack in the back but sometimes dude you know yeah there's a small crack in my van where i could pee through but i don't because it's my stuff yeah and then i could like smell like did you have the same truck every time when you guys like switch out trucks i would drive like a rapist van it was like a white third party like rapist van oh like mine mine is yellow yeah it was

like yours but white all right yeah yeah so when i rolled up in neighborhoods dude people were like locked they were like kids would be outside they would sprint in the back when i first moved here i i don't know like where to park yeah so i i was parking like a hasidic jewish neighborhood and i had my first time seeing hasids in my life yeah and they were they would, like, crowd around my van. So are you living in the van full time? Yeah. Damn.

Almost two years now. Are you, like, bouncing around or do you have your own spot? I have three spots I like to be at. Okay. Has anything gone down yet or are you just... Yeah, dude. But luckily, now when I'm there... One time when I was there, a guy tried opening my door.

Uh-huh. And then I picked my head out and then like i freaked him out but he was trying to act like he wasn't trying to break in yeah so he like walked like two cars down like leaning against the wall pretended to be on his phone wow and then i and then i just like like i don't know what to do because i was like gonna sleep sometimes it's hard to find parking yeah and i was like well i can't drive away so i just like stayed on the front so he left yeah but this is always this is in manhattan all the time or do you have like different no no i like i don't park in manhattan i'm parking like brooklyn and queens okay and like pretty close

to manhattan though yeah i feel like it'd be nice to sleep around here dude there's not much going on dude it was so easy to find parking yeah i mean dude you can sleep outside if you want dude i'll keep an eye on you man have like sleepovers and shit dude no dude don't do that because i will stay here and i will come inside and use your bathroom really i got like friends that have told that to me and i'm pretty sure they regret it by now yeah i like you took advantage of it well i don't yeah but you know you're taking shits or just pisses everything dude yeah if you're taking shit that's kind of like you know piss is all right but like dude if you're blowing up my toilet you know if i can start charging you dude yeah i blow my homie

luke's toilet all the time but he has two though so it's fine yeah dude so what is like uh what is it like man like what is it like just living on the road bro dude the the summer sucks i kind of i like i like to sleep in i guess i still do this is how much i like to sleep in like like around 9 p.m i should be out because i'm already sweating but i'm like the fuck i'm sleeping in sorry 9 a.m so i don't get out to like noon sometimes yeah because i just want to sleep but what is uh what is the bed setup looking like you have like a pull-out bed for it yeah Yeah, dude. I built up, like, a bench with, like, some slats that extend out. Okay.

And then I bought two foam pieces, and it makes, like, an L shape. Tempur-pedic? No, it was just two pieces of foam, I think. You could just buy it. Memory foam, though? No, it was a memory foam. That would have been a good idea. Yeah.

I don't know what kind of foam. I bought it, like like a while ago but so when i pull out when i pull it out it just becomes like a big bed like a twin size bed okay well i almost never pull it out i sleep on it like if it's a couch okay which is pretty funny to me well right now i'm sleeping on the floor because it gets too hot in there so like like sometimes i'll sleep on the floor of a van yeah it's probably colder dude you know because heat rises and shit dude yeah yeah yeah yeah like that i saw that somewhere like in a meme and i was like yeah i think i saw that in like a porno dude i wrote i wrote it down i was like never forget dude you dude you know what i learned from a meme that saved my life

um when you get pulled away in a riptide you gotta swim lateral to the shore oh really yeah we were talking about riptides like a week ago or something like that oh i thought you were just supposed to let the riptide take you no that would happen to me to me and my friend on her birthday and i took her away and i was like i'm not a great i'm not even a good swimmer yeah and i swim lateral and i look back and i was like trying to tell her yeah dude because i got out of it immediately but she got pulled over like she got pulled up like fucking like 30 feet dude dude one of my buddies growing up he was a fucking gazelle in the water dude oh shit yeah i thought he was a fucking merman dude because they're on the water yeah i don't even know what i just said bro but i think you know what i meant because yeah like fast right but yeah dude you could

one time bro harakuta one time, bro. Barracuda. One time, this couple, dude, they were banging in the ocean. We were like 14 or 15, and our moms took us to like a beach trip. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, you guys are going to want to see this. No, dude, my mom was like good friends with his mom. Yeah.

And they were like, yeah, we're going to take you to the beach today. You know, it's going to be a good time or whatever. So it's me, my boy Dylan, and our moms. And, dude, we immediately go in the water, dude. Yeah. We see this couple banging, dude, like deep out. Puerto Ricans? I think so, yeah.

Yeah, dude. And so, dude, we saw that they were Puerto Ricans ricans bro and we started throwing fucking mud balls at him because we played baseball at the time dude so we're throwing like hail marys and we're trying to like reach him and we're young so we don't like notice the people around us or whatever bro bro i fucking threw a hail mary dude you got them dude i hit this guy straight in the face oh you're the guy dude i the guy? Dude, I thought he was going to cry, man. Dude, my mom and his mom saw the whole thing, and they made us say sorry. But it was, dude, it was legendary, bro. I threw a fucking.

Did he accept your apology? Yeah, dude, it was really awkward, though, because he was, like, banging this chick. Yeah. Like, he was having a good time. Did your moms know that he was banging? I mean, for sure, yeah. And they still made you apologize? Yeah, yeah dude they made us swim out there so he's like he's trying to get his nut and you just see like two 15 year olds swimming towards you bro he's probably he's

probably at least chubbed up dude yeah i'm saying we were like we're sorry and he was like don't worry about it yeah he was he was he was. That's an emotional moment, though, dude. Getting hit in the face with a mud ball. What did the girl say? She was pretty quiet. She didn't say much, dude. Because she's getting railed in the ocean, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Have you ever banged in the ocean? Nah, dude. No? I wish, man. That would be legendary dude you think if you bang a girl in the ocean she becomes like a mermaid a walrus you know they used to do that back in the day that's how that's how walruses were

created they used to yeah pirates dude you just plow a fat chick in the uh the deep end bro pirates used to fuck uh walruses because they they were like hallucinating that they were chicks no really yeah and i think that's how like the whole mermaid thing started it was the guys like it wasn't the waters it was a mermaid oh so you think they were hallucinating they saw like yeah what do you think the mermaid actually was that it was a walrus they saw like yeah what do you think the mermaid actually was though it was a walrus wow i think there's some truth to that yeah i mean dude do you think you would uh you think you'd fuck a walrus though dude uh it depends on the year i guess if it was like the year two bc or ad

you're like 12 the year 2 bc I would do it. The year 2 AD. Fuck no. Why? After Christ. After all that shit went down two years ago. You'd have to shout out your homie. Yeah, dude, fuck that. Christ would be pissed.

I don't know, man. Like, dude, if you're out to sea all that time with a bunch of dudes, and like you wouldn't see, I mean, like you said, you wouldn't really see a walrus. You'd see like a mermaid with fucking shiny tits and shit. Like seashells covering her nips, dude. She's like calling your name, dude. Dude, talking to you is like fucking having a fucking acid trip, dude. Really? Damn, dude.

So it's kind of like beautiful in a way. And yeah. You in like a trans or something, dude? Yeah. Come on. Casting spells on you dude yeah dude a trans walrus i mean i'm telling you dude if i was on a ship with like you know like a real life pirates of the caribbean dude yeah and i saw walrus the little guy mermaid bro um

dude i'm fucking jumping overboard you're jumping over you're not risking my life you're not saying pull over no dude i don't want them to know Damn You're not posting that clarity After fucking a walrus Yeah like Imagine Because I don't think they would I mean maybe they would know

You know I wouldn't want them to know Your homies I wouldn't want them to know I would want it to be a secret dude Because then I could kind of like Let the walrus know Be like yo

Same time tomorrow Like You know what I mean Because I would want it to be Like a recurring thing With the walrus But you guys are on the move As pirates Yeah but dude same time tomorrow like you know what i mean because i got i would want it to be like a recurring thing with the waters but you guys are on the move as pirates yeah but dude i can just tell them like you know there's a fucking storm coming turn around if i was like the wanderer you know what i mean oh yeah dude is on the fucking the what is it called the fucking uh

the poop day mayflower oh yeah what was the Mayflower? Mayflower. I'm with my boy Chrissy Columbus, dude. That would be a different scene, bro. We're just taking out villages. Indigenous people are like, why do they have walruses? Yeah, that would be super fucked up, bro. Imagine that. You bang a walrus and then you just torch someone's village. You're like, how we doing?

They're like, no, no, no. Like, this is ours. And we're like, yeah, I fucking bet. Start a massive fire, dude. Then you just go back and call it a day, man. I mean, that wouldn't be a bad life, honestly, back then. Are you drinking coffee right now? Yeah.

Dude, I can't imagine you on, like, two monsters coffee on like two monsters coffee and probably the same level of emotion dude honestly no they shit you'd be saying it's like uh it's like this but like just more shits you know what i mean oh yeah i'd be like dude i gotta that's a good way to gain weight huh like like monsters and shit i still work at a warehouse they're like five calories really yeah yeah but it's a bunch of sugar though and the regular ones yeah if you get like the zero sugar ones though dude do they still have the same amount of caffeine though i think so yeah i think the sugar is what gets you more like amped up but then there's like a crash afterwards so i just get the zero sugar ones which are probably like still pretty bad for you but yeah you know nah dude i'm i'm like super into caffeine right now i took a break from drinking

so i'm just like always on like some cut sometime some type of amphetamine or caffeine yeah i mean dude i wouldn't be able to live without caffeine yeah i did the thing where you like i went like two weeks without it man and uh it didn't help me at all, you know? Yeah. I mean, I guess maybe I had like a little more of like a, you know, a balanced energy, I guess. Yeah. Like, I don't know, man. I look forward to drinking coffee, dude.

Me too. It's my favorite thing in the world, dude. Just sitting down with a fucking homie, dude. Yeah. You know? Do you drink alcohol? Sometimes, yeah. But I don't enjoy it, you know do you drink alcohol sometimes yeah but i don't enjoy it you know like i enjoy just

like like if you and i were at a coffee shop right now dude just yeah drinking espresso shots man i'd enjoy that yeah a lot but but then i i do have like a good caffeine hangover you ever get that oh really i think i just made that up did i make that up like a crash like i get like in a bad mood especially like if it's humid. Oh, you get deprived from it? Yeah, and then I would chase the dragon. You just got to run it back, dude. I do do that, yeah.

That's what I did on the way over here. Yeah. I was like crashing because I had a Yerba Mate, and then I had a cup of coffee, a nice Americano. That's my drink. And then I was like, I i gotta be up for this shit and then i drank a year with me on the way over here listening to michael jackson you're doing it right man though yeah right you're really doing it right man thank you yeah but you remember it has sugar though it has a bunch of sugar yeah so i might have to hop on that uh i mean you could

just have like black coffee dude i did i love that coffee i i do this thing where i have a i have instant coffee in my van yeah and i pour it into a cup and then i pour water on top of it and i circle it around dude you should just sell your truck and get a like an espresso machine there's nowhere to hook it up just like use it once and then call it a day. If you made a documentary about that. Dude. It's like you're going to read this guy.

So let's write him. Modern espresso machine. Just me drinking a nice cup. You'd get a good amount of views, man. Then just start like a go fund me dude but i don't want to sell this present wishing people just sell it i've been i mean i'm so poor dude i've been thinking about just starting like a go fund me just like pretending to fucking chop off my tits bro your salamis yeah something like that man like just injure myself like do a fake injury maybe hire like a crew to injure you but safely no like just injure myself like do a fake injury maybe

hire like a crew to injure you but safely no not even injure me just do the makeup and stuff like a gun wound or something oh that'd be fun yeah good ones are surprisingly don't look that bad yeah dude not only would i probably get pussy on facebook but like i'd get a decent amount of money facebook dude if i was like yeah like i was walking down the road the other day and somebody shot me and uh you know i need money for the medical expenses yeah i was at a party one time and a guy showed a guy was a cop and he showed her he was like she was showing everybody a picture yeah i was i was in the pool by myself and then i came i saw there was like hot dog there was like hot dogs and shit i'm gonna get a hot dog and then i saw everybody was looking at

a picture and i was like oh what's this and it was like a picture of a fucking dead guy with a shotgun with i mean with a shot wound in his face dead guy with a shotgun i was like with the shot wound in his face oh really and i was like i was like he just flashed at you and no i guess no i i looked but it was on his phone yeah he was like he was telling everybody a story how he saw it fuck dude yeah he jerks off like a cop i don't know i think i think there's like his talking point at parties and shit wow which is like things like going on and goes you guys want to see a better guy that's fucked man and i. And I saw it, and I was traumatized, but also the shot. Yeah, plus, dude, you were in the pool by yourself, man.

You were having a good time. I was. That sounds great. Dude, you can't get me out of the water at a pool party. Oh, really? No, dude. You go deep down under and look at some fucking... I tried to see how long I could hold my breath.

Oh, really? Yeah. I do that, and then I just look at some undercarriages, dude. Undercarriages? Yeah. What's that? Like chicks. There was no chicks at this one. Oh, really? Yeah. I do that, and then I just look at some undercarriages, dude. Undercarriages? Yeah. What's that? Like chicks. There was no chicks at this one.

Oh, really? Yeah. I'd probably just look at dudes then, bro. Just like tickle their calves and shit, man. Dude, I went over to Maine, and it was like really hard to hold my breath in the water. There's not a lot going on in Maine, man. There's like rocks and shit down there. Why were you in Maine?

Because my buddy had like a family thing, and I went. there's like rocks and shit down there why were you in maine that's my buddy my buddy had like a family thing okay and i went wow it's free food a road trip dude yeah fuck man that's pretty sick honestly but it's harder to hold your breath underwater in maine i think it's the elevation maybe this water's maybe it's colder dude it's pretty cold out there man my buddy has a uh like a beach house out there. Yeah. And he used to invite me, dude. And it was some of the best times of my life, man.

At the beach house? Yeah. It was like right next. It was more of like a lake house. All right. And he had like fucking. The plot thickens. Yeah, dude.

He had like jet skis and stuff, man. It was sick. In Rhode Island? In Maine. In Maine? Wow, dude. Yeah. There's a bunch of lakes out there

huh yeah man you ever been on like a uh like a jet ski or like a fucking uh the things they hook up to the boats no i haven't done any water sports dude oh dude it's sick man yeah like dude i've seen people wipe out that shit's hilarious when they do like a bunch of flips and shit if i ever do that again man i'll fucking i'll invite you dude oh i think you're gonna say you're a white pal that was so much fun like you ever fall off yeah because you're like on this little tube dude and like the the boats hauling you around man you're just like two other dudes next to you no homo man you're just like trying to hold on for dear life yeah my mom's my mom did that once really yeah she said without you oh yes before i was born oh really she said it was fun yeah dude it's

something you'll remember for the rest of your life man yeah she still talks about it really she had like pictures and stuff she yeah she does actually yeah i'm telling you dude it's not to be overlooked man have you ever done the thing where like it's like a half deflated thing and somebody else jumps and then you no that would be sick though dude to do with like a fat chick yeah like dude you know it'd be fun having the fat chick like on the deflated side ready to get launched and then you jump on and then nothing happens there yeah and then that would be a good first date man yeah that would be sick to just do that to a fat chick like use her as the flotation device just like jump off a deck and like land on her stomach you ever dated a fat chick um no no not like a really good sized woman that would be like i don't know man i think i'd

have a good time though if i brought like a pretty thick chick to like a like a lake or something oh yeah people think you're like a good guy and shit if we were just like watching the sunset just like feeding each other fucking chili and shit chili yeah like beans and shit man like maybe like a bean chili is there meat in there be just like um meat in there be just like um i would say like a like a bean chili with like you ever have like chili with like fucking tortilla chips dude yeah like tostitos fucking yeah dude i never been to a chili cook-off though have you no i mean we can just start one though dude which is like a barbecue and it's specifically chili and fucking scoops and fat dude fat chicks only bro fat chicks only it's me and you and just fat chicks dude well dude one time i went on a date with some girl a little on the heavier side we met at a party it was like dark yeah and i thought and i was

drunk and i thought she was attractive okay and we went on a date the next day i want to go pick her up in san bernardino and uh she was like unattractive when i picked her up so you drop her off no i mean i had to go on with a date and i was like whatever man she'll she'll be fine we went to i took her to denny's okay and um it was like for breakfast and shit it was like a brunch date at denny's okay and um i ordered like a burger and shit you know and she ordered she ordered i swear to god a bowl of fries was like a good amount of fries like how many fries uh it was probably like 70 in there but that's beside the point i was fucking furious dude really you can't order a bowl of fries like it's embarrassing to me dude 70 fries huh she eat them all she fucking ate like 43 of them yeah he counted well yeah that

was paid for this shit you better finish how much are 75 fries at denny's dude about i think i think with inflation and shit now it would be around nine dollars but back then it was about 653 plus tax like 702 what did you expect her to get the Denny's like in retrospect they should have took her somewhere nice yeah but I was kind of like um demoralized because I thought she was gonna she was attractive from the night before yeah what did she look like the night before versus like the night of she looked like dark because it was like it was like dark a lot of strobe lights and shit she had she did have a nice voice though so like the next day i was like this is what i was attracted to it was a nice voice you just didn't look down

and i was looking at her forehead the whole time. Yeah. No, I've been there, dude. Yeah? Yeah. Because it's one thing to like, you know, like hook up with someone, wake up and go, oh, man, she's an attractive. I took this chick home once, dude, at the bar. Yeah. And, dude, she was so fat that like her tits were like flooded over her bra. Oh, shit. So it looked like she had four tits, flooded over her bra. Oh, shit. So it looked like she had four tits, dude.

Like Futurama type shit. I told my boys I was bringing her home, and they were like, dude, what are you doing, man? Like, don't do it. And I was like, I'm doing it. And I ended up hooking up with her that night. Yeah. It was good? And then, yeah, it wasn't bad, man.

Yeah, not. And then the next day i dropped her off bro and uh it was like a painful car ride man oh because i saw like who she really was yeah and she smelled like fucking ham dude like no joke like really i don't know what type of ham dude but you know there's like different types of ham yeah like like there's like the honey yeah it's like a mix of honey and like regular ham i wish it was more so like the honey ham yeah you know because i like smells a little better than like regular regular hams can smell bad sometimes yeah but you like the honey ham honestly man it was like more i don't even know if it's ham bro it might have been more like bologna dude i don't know but i don't think i know what bologna is oh really yeah you have some no no

it's just expensive dude really yeah one time my friends pulled me out of a car i was like i was drinking this this probably should have been a sign that i should have stopped drinking early i was probably 22 they pulled me out of a they found me in an uber driving away with uh two like obese women i was like in the middle i was gonna have a three-way with two obese women and my friends like stopped at uber and pulled me out and the girls were fucking mad at what type of friends are those man those aren't friends he's the shit huh yeah those aren't friends man i wonder how that would have changed me if they would have not stopped me i mean you would have been a legend dude you would have been telling a different story right now i would have been dead what do you think would have happened like how would you have like

approached that when you when you took them home no they were taking me home yeah but there was two of them though it was two of them yeah so what would you have done if they like you know you get to their house how are you gonna take on two of those chicks i think i think they were gonna have their way with me dude i think i think they were gonna have their way with me dude to be honest really they were yeah but what if they were like yo let's see what you got what would you let's go to the lake really yeah let me jump on one of you what do you what do you do with two with two like obese girls two fatties yeah probably just take it slow man like take a few deep breaths it's tough because they take up so much space man so you like really

gotta like treat both of them fairly but like really like consider the space that you have you know what i'm saying i heard that you're more attracted to uh fat girls when you're hungry is that a study they have going on right now yeah i think so i think it happened already and i feel like i would be more attracted to fatties if i was like hungry for sure yeah yeah because i'm trying to eat some fucking trying to eat something dude you know i'm saying yeah if you eat like a fatties box i feel like there's a lot of nutrients down there dude yeah a lot of leftover nutrients yeah you're like yeah man that's a good way to charge up dude imagine that dude you eat a fatty out and you get fucking superpowers dude yeah what kind of powers would you get maybe just like maybe back

in the day maybe you would just be like all state the ability to like not get be like gatorade player of the year and they'd be like what's your secret? And you're like, eating box of fat chicks. Fat chicks. Fat chicks pussies, dude. Yeah. Imagine saying that on live television. After like the Olympics. Yeah. Gold medal. Dude.

How'd you do it? You'd be handed down for generations for sure, dude. Dude, fat chicks would be worth more. Not that they're selling them or anything. But, you know, they'd be more valued or more by society. You think you're going to marry like a fat chick or no? Um, no,

I don't think so. I mean, I hope so. Yeah. I mean, I feel like that's the dream. It depends if I'm hungry or not. Yeah.

Yeah. I think about that a lot, dude. I'm like, dude, am I going, which way am I going, dude?

You know what I mean? Like, am I headed that way or am i well you're from rhode island yeah so is it traditionally no no no i would say down south more there's more like fat chicks for sure yeah down south fat chicks are like san antonio and shit man they got some fatties down there dude you've been over like different breeds yeah dude we're Mm. Mm. Yeah, dude. We're talking, like, fucking chicken, bro. I saw a girl faint the other day.

Mm. And, like, a fat black lady went and she hugged her and she pressed her against her boobs and it looked fucking comfortable as shit. Wow. And. Dude, you ever, like, get your hair cut by, like, a fat chick and, like, her tits are rubbing all up against you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How does it make you feel, dude? Um. by like a fat chick and like your tits are rubbing all up against you yeah yeah how does it make you feel dude um when they're well when their fupo like touches my elbow and shit yeah i think it's a different feeling now like when their tits touch my head it's a different feeling how do you feel they always smell good yeah i think it's because they're self-conscious that they probably smell bad i kind of get like a little chub dude you do at the barbershop when that yeah dude sometimes they rub like the fupa against me too which is rare that's a little confusing but the tits dude just makes me feel like i'm at home dude your mom's fat i think she listens bro i'm sorry mrs salami fuck man dude but just like tits bro like big tits are like nurturing man yeah dude i'm not a big tit guy like sexually but like nurture wise i'd love a fucking hug from like a big titty lady yeah especially after like uh you know like after if you're going through

a tough time dude yeah there's nothing like just snuggling up against like some big ass tits, dude. Yeah. You know. Yeah, dude. Today, a girl with a fat ass like walked by me and I was sitting down. Yeah. And I was like, I'm not, I'm not going to look because I don't want to catch a whiff of shit.

And then. And then it'll ruin asses for me you know what i mean i don't know i don't even know you just said dude wait where where are we right now like what uh when did this like where did this go down i was uh uh sitting down you know like outside like in those brunch places, but they have outside sitting. Yeah. I was, like, close to another table. And I, like, I guess relatively tall because her ass was, like, in my face. And she passed by. And she was wearing pants. It was that close?

Like this close, yeah. Wow. But I don't know what it was instinctually. I was like, hold your breath. And I held my breath because I don't want to smell. Wow. Ass. And then, dude, imagine ass is being ruined for you just because some lady had like a smell stick with you.

You know how they say like smells. I feel like if I got a little whiff of like corn though, dude. Corn. I feel like if I got a whiff of something exotic though, dude, I feel like that would keep me going corn always makes it through like the digestive system huh yeah but i'm just saying like of a chick if i was in that situation dude i got like a whiff of something exotic right i feel like that might like push me mentally to not to the edge but just like i feel like that would keep me going bro you know because it's

deviant bro like it's all instead of smelling perfume you might smell something that fucking your eyebrows go back and you're like what the fuck man whoa yeah sometimes sweat is attractive like when a chick smells like sweat and i haven't again i haven't ate in a long time yeah dude sometimes when i see a chick with like a little bit of hair under her armpits bro yeah i'm like damn that's kind of hot not like a lot of hair it's like a little bit nice it's like a five o'clock shadow armpit what would you do if a chick was like super hot right but dude she had like a full bush under her pits huh and you were with your boys at like a barbecue having a good time and they all saw her like stretch and they all saw it and everybody went ah i mean they just like they knew everybody knew i especially was super hot yeah i wouldn't care dude that's what i'm

saying dude yeah you gotta stay strong in that situation bro dude one time my homie hooked up with a girl i guess she was uh she her. I guess her hair was like pushed back. Oh, really? But it was like thinning. You know like in 2010, like video games, when they were kind of realistic maybe? Yeah. But their hair, you could always see the shape of their head. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And their hair just looked like a shadow. Yeah, almost like Johnny Bravo, dude. No, no, no. Johnny Bravo would be in the opposite of what i'm trying to describe okay so it would it would just be like she had shouldn't have any hair it was a couple strands it was like very see-through very thin very thinning yeah like that okay my homie hooked up with a girl like that but she was like smoking hot though but she also had like shark teeth she had cancer or something no i don't know what she had.

But he showed me a picture where he said that he was ashamed to show everybody, but it was by far the hottest girl. Wow. He like hooked up with. Dude, that would be, I mean, dude, that's kind of like my goal, man, is you just got to find a chick with that one flaw that's keeping her from the Chads and Brads, bro. Yeah. You know, she could have like seven toes and like owe money to the IRS.

Yeah. A lot of dudes do that, huh? They go after a girl that has one flaw that's obvious, but they get to see past it. Anytime something bad happens, they like bring it up too. To a girl? They're like, don't make me fucking say it. I mean, dude, I was doing a comedy competition once and there's like this pretty hot comic in the green room dude oh shit and i'm like drinking this water i'm getting ready to go up on stage bro she just dude she stretches bro dude she had as much armpit hair as me and i was like yo

that's kind of hot no did it smell i mean i couldn't smell it from like where i was right but i knew if i got even like a little bit close yeah i could smell something dude i was thinking about armpit hair two days ago okay on the subway because there's all these like uh advertisements now you know where they're like just have armpit hair for girls now it's like some kind of type of like feminist thing yeah but like what if a girl's like i don't want to know what I mean? It'll be like if for us we didn't want beards, but they're like, grow your beard out. And I was like, you know, maybe not. Like, why are they trying to force girls to grow armpit hair?

I mean, dude, I feel bad for chicks, man, because I just feel like there's so much maintenance that has to be done, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And, like, for dudes, it's really not that much, man. Yeah. I don't care for armpit hair. Like, you know, like, if a girl has it or doesn't have it yeah or bush don't care you know bad for chicks man different i like this chick once dude and uh

she like didn't know i liked her bro yeah she invited me to the beach with this dude that she was like in love with and i think they were kind of dating you know yeah so it's like me and my boys and like her and like this dude that she's like you know right pretty much dating bro and uh we went to this beach in rhode island and there's a bunch of like uh fish restaurants nearby yeah and uh dude we showed up and like immediately this dude was just like yo it smells like fucking pussy dude and like me and my boys were like all right i mean like and he dude he just kept saying it man he was just admitting that like his girls got a stinky fad dude well back in the day back in the back then for a while they would say that a stinky pussy man was good so maybe he had just heard of

that yeah dude you know what i was thinking about bro that no one really wants to delve into bro like dude you think if you were a viking you'd be eating box Yeah, dude, you know what I was thinking about, bro, that no one really wants to delve into, bro? Like, dude, you think if you were a Viking, you'd be eating box? No, dude, not if I was a fucking Viking. Because, yeah, because back then, these guys are all about fucking raping, right? I'm like in the middle of a fucking, a big like rape you're like alright let me just try to make you come isn't that like their whole thing

Vikings that's like what they're known for right dude what does that have to do with eating behind the sprockets? I mean... I'm just saying, dude, like... I just feel like there's nothing more gladiator-like than just eating some Viking pussy, dude. Oh, you're like on the opposite side. No, I'm just saying, like, if I was a Viking and I was eating my wife out and then our village got attacked and then i had to go out of the tent and just start shredding it that would

be a sick life man oh when i think about vikings i think about like you're on a boat on the way on the way to like take over i was thinking about them on land i think they call something different on there imagine imagine if you made a film and it was like... It's like you on a boat with a bunch of Vikings. You just eat a chick out and then fucking kill your whole crew. be a sick fucking movie it's like 10 minutes long it's 90 minutes of you eating box

it's like one of those autism test commercials what's that it's like at the end of it just like take of those autism test commercials what's that it's like like at the end of it just like take your autism test today I ain't never seen those I mean either but

it would be like good advertising for for autism for autism cause like dude that's like a thing now man where like people are finding out that they're actually autistic that's hilarious dude yeah now man where like people are finding out that they're actually autistic that's hilarious yeah because you know like it's a spectrum it's also like don't find out what are you doing trying to find out your shit i feel people people that are finding out really want to be autistic for sure yeah they're probably failing the test on purpose dude

yeah dude just so you can say it's probably just like an online test. Yeah. And then just so I can say. Dude, I want, I don't know if I have ADD or the other one. You probably have it too. No, dude. What the fuck? I'm like the fucking most low key dude ever. Why would I have ADHD? Well, no, not with the H. Just D.

Just DD. Oh, the ADD? Yeah. Yeah. Just, I mean, fucking fucking this this conversation has been all over the place and yeah but i've been locked in dude yeah if i had add i'd be like i gotta go i'm just here like dude you and i man bro like i could fucking sit here in silence for the next 20 minutes and be fine dude i know dude i don't i don't know you and then when i

walked in you like didn't speak to me for like five minutes yeah that's my bad dude no no it's fine and then i was like this guy's gonna fucking murder me oh really yeah i was going through yeah dude it's like you you gave your back to me and i was like he's so fucking calm that i'm not gonna attack him oh wow my bad dude so i'm like a little too calm yeah you know you know you're like a serial killer yeah like and i sort of got that i'm such a fucking i was even thinking like dude like this guy could be casted as a serial killer how do you think i would fucking kill you though dude like choke you choke you out or some shit or like take you in the basement you'd like show me like a movie or something and then you're like hit me in the back of the head yeah and then you wouldn't

you wouldn't even check if i was dead or not. You, like, slowly, like, opened me up. No, dude, I would just, like, like, during the pod, I would just take out, like, an AK-47 and start fucking shooting up the wall. Oh, like, around me? Yeah, everywhere around you except for you. Just to see how you react.

Yeah. Has anybody else told you that you're, like, a serial killer? Yeah. All the time all the time right yeah that's good this filipino kid when i was in middle school he thought i was a fucking cyborg dude a cyborg yeah half man half human yeah this is back in the day aliens weren't even like a big deal like he was like this guy's from another fucking dimension yeah you're you're an interesting friend dude we would have for sure been friends in elementary school i i don't think I ever had, not to call you not normal, but I've never had a normal friend.

Yeah, me neither, dude. Everybody that I get along with are just... You Spanish? My grandpa was Spanish from Spain, but I'm Mexican. You're Mexican? Yeah. Yeah, we would have been friends, dude, for sure. I would have fucking stolen your fucking burritos at lunch, dude.

I wouldn't take burritos at lunch dude i didn't i wouldn't take burritos my my mom my mom would uh she looked she would like sign me up for like the low income food okay thing for for because i think we're just enough qualified to like not qualify for that yeah but she would like still sign me up and i would be like mexican i got uh i was talking about my asian friend growing up yeah i think asian and mexicans do they always have this like they have this look where like you kind of feel guilty for them dude you know you feel bad for asians and mexicans yeah but they're really like fucking fucked up people dude who asians and mexicans no dude it's hilarious like you ever like see an asian dude who like looks confused yeah and you like kind of feel bad for him but that's just what they look like yeah dude i i used to date this asian girl well she was malaysian okay and she

always looked worried and i was all uh i might told her once i was probably racist to me to tell her but i said you always look like you're worried for a math test and she didn't think that was funny super racist man i mean that's funny as fuck but it's like yeah she didn't care for it either oh really you don't think she got it huh she i think she's like Yeah she didn't care for it either Oh really You don't think she got it Huh She I think she got it But she didn't care for it

And then I saw her I ran into her dad recently Okay He owns like reptilians and shit Fuck your life man So he like He sells them at the swap meet

What are you doing around reptiles I went to the swap meet Like just to like look around Because I went back to my hometown Recently And I was like I'll go to the swap meet just to look around because I went back to my hometown recently and I was like, I'll go to the swap meet. I'll see what's up.

I used to work there and I walked around and her dad still has a little reptile shop and I looked at him and I never met him but she told me that was her dad

and I looked at him and I was going to say, hey, how you doing? That'd be wild, dude, if you had a fucking lizard for your van, bro. That'd be sick. i found a fucking spider in there the other day really yesterday and you should get a fucking snake dude like an anaconda

or something that's dead just get it for free dude so that if someone tries to break in yeah you can just go out with the anaconda wrapped around do they smell when they die i'm sure they do but if you want to fucking protect your life dude you know someone with your van dude you you step out of that van with an anaconda wrapped around you dude yeah with me you know what i want i want to i want a desert eagle you know those handguns like the really long barrels yeah just so you could handle that recoil dude no no i want it just because because i'm in the back right and when they like break my window or whatever just like slowly slip out of just a long barrel of a handgun just because it's i think it's funny yeah it's like funny if you had like an rpg dude that wouldn't even be dangerous to the robber i play a lot of cod bro and i don't think you'd

be able to handle a fucking desert eagle bro you would literally fucking hit yourself in the forehead yeah dude get a concussion blackout dude which would be fucking hilarious to watch man you learned that on call of duty yeah it's like one of the hardest guns to shoot bro yeah dude but they look cool yeah for sure if you had desert eagle dude you're a legend bro they look almost like hilarious yeah it's it's if it was just a little longer it'd be like come on dude what is this yeah imagine having like a a gun that looks like a dildo dude yeah because like you would take it out like you would take it out people would be like look at this fucking pussy and then if you just shot it in the air once it's like a legit gun yeah people would be would be like, all right, this guy is gay. Imagine taking it to the gun range. Mm.

Oh, dude. Yeah. Imagine doing that with an automatic rifle. It's like a rubber fister, but it's like a fucking mini Uzi. Yeah. Imagine going deer hunting with that thing. You can't aim with that. Yeah.

Imagine going to a school shooting with that. You'd do, like, good. Yeah. Yeah. They would probably, like, treat it as, like, a good thing, too. Right. Yeah. They would be like treat it as like a good thing too right yeah like this this is for the progressive like well it's tragic but at least it's progressive but but i'm talking about the aiming whites because it'd be like really floppy and shit yeah you could just blind fire and see what happens it'll be easier yeah yeah shoot yeah

yeah if you took a fucking if you took a dildo gun to, like, hunting. Yeah, accidentally shoot your son. If you were with, like, some boys you were trying to impress with, like, your manliness. Yeah. Like, you really had, like, something to prove. And then you took it out, and they were like, dude, not everything's a joke. You just shoot, like, three deer, dude. You don't even have to aim.

Yeah. Dude, you could literally look them in the eye. Just fucking point that way. Yeah. Unload an entire... You're going to hit something. Have you ever been hunting? No.

Have you ever killed anything? Dude, the closest I've ever been to hunting was paintballing. My Asian friend, dude, his backyard. we used to play this game, bro. Asian? Asian, yeah, dude. Dude, they used to play this game in the backyard, bro. So, like, people would be on the deck, like this high-rise deck. You all right?

Yeah, I had a burp. Bro, high-rise deck, dude, with paintball guns. And then two people would be on a quad in the yard, and they would have to try to make it across the yard while everyone's shooting at them and my friend's dad uh i didn't know how to use a paintball gun and he's like he's trying to teach me how to use it dude so he hands me the gun and he's like all right man like first rule like don't point it at anyone and i was literally pointing at him dude and uh dude it came my turn to like try and light these

dudes up as they're crossing the lawn bro just like completely missed dude i was shooting everywhere bro fucking hit this dude's shed like i was missing by like 15 20 feet damn yeah yeah but i felt like fucking dirty harold dude that's fine that's all that matters man that is one dude one time i are you finished yeah oh sorry i thought you didn't keep going no no no um one time i killed a bird yeah it was a it was an accident my mom took me over to her friend's house yeah and then uh i was with her kids there were twins yeah no they had like they had like a bb gun like an airsoft bb gun yeah and we were shooting cans and with it or like it was just trying to and had like a BB gun, like an airsoft BB gun. Yeah. And we were shooting cans and shit with it. Uh-huh.

Or like, it was just trying to. And then like a bird landed on their chimney. Okay. And I said, check this out. And I aimed at it, but like, I was going to like, just like shoot like at the chimney to like scare it away. But I got it right in the neck. You one-shotted it?

Yeah, dude. Fuck. Were there any chicks around? No, just my mom. Yeah. And their mom. But like. yeah and then their mom but like also their mom but like we were all good kids and shit you know like no no it's didn't yeah but like here I was saying check this out one shot and kill the

fucking sparrow dude you think that's when your life turned around bro well I had to act like I did it on purpose. They looked at me scared and shit. And I went... But I was like fucking shit. I was like panicking. Yeah. You felt like you had to like... Yeah, because it was so objectively cool, I guess, right?

Yeah, I feel like I'm there right now, dude. You should have like told their mom to fuck with you, dude. Well, their mom had to put her in a bag and throw it away Yeah I felt fucking terrible You think she was kind of turned on though? Her mom Their mom?

Yeah I hope so Yeah Dude imagine if you killed it And like you looked her way Are you fucking wet? Check this out Yeah

I mean dude that's kind of sick man That's manly as fuck. My mom was, that was, I think that was the manliest thing I've ever done in my life. And I was, I was like fucking nine. I can't,

every time I say check this out, I do the thing I don't want to do. Yeah. Like one time my friend was like in the garage and I was with another friend. The one in the garage was a girl. And I said, check this out. And I threw a soccer ball in there and i fucking kicked right in the face dude like perfect you hit her in the face yeah dude damn and i said check this out before yeah i used to say that a lot too man every time you say and you do like you do the thing yeah you gotta be careful

my buddy's dad got him a fucking a fucking golf club set dude yeah and we're outside swinging him dude and I just took out the driver I go yo check this out

dude I swing it as hard as I can and I just let go of it dude it went like wicked high in the air man and it landed like this far away from Mercedes Benz

oh I like I like dented the club and everything. Breaking somebody's new thing. It's like a brand new driver, dude. Just landed right on cement. And then you gotta say i gotta go and then they leave have you ever broken anybody's new thing besides that

dude i just break a lot of man i broke my first window when i was like I used to break a lot of shit man I broke my first window when I was like 14 maybe This lady across the way She was like really religious man And she never came outside much I was just playing tag in my front yard bro And

For a while we were looking for my dog's shit Cause he took a dump And we couldn't really find it Oh she called you to get it? No no she was inside man she was sleeping And for some reason i was throwing around rocks for fun literally just threw this rock right through her car window bro shatters and i was like looking at the ground i'm like oh there's the dog shit

and i just heard oh it breaks and shit bro so i'm panicking i'm like fuck fuck fuck yeah and uh dude my mom was sleeping i had to go inside and let her know you woke her up yeah and i ended up lying to this lady who was super religious i was like i swear to god i didn't break your window and she believed you she was like okay well like what happened and like my sister was like john you broke the fucking window like everyone saw you break the window and she was like i cannot believe you would lie like that she said that yeah she was pissed bro damn religious people religious people get mad in a different manner it's like scary when they get mad because especially since she was my neighbor dude i

thought she was gonna like sneak into my room in the middle of the night dude and just like whisper in my ear some like latin shit oh dude and have you ever had a sleep paralysis yeah did you one time i woke up once a week dude really yeah i think it's not like caffeine maybe you think so i i don't know it's gotta be something dude because i'm struggling out there man try to try to open your eyes in one of them and you'll see the demon. Like in real life? Yeah, dude. In my paralysis. In your paralysis.

One time I saw it. It was a green thing speaking in Latin. Really? How do you know it was Latin, dude? Because I understood it. Well, she said, saca la pintura, which means take out the paint. Okay. Which maybe in Latin, like like further back means something else

that sounds spanish dude yeah dude we used to uh my uh my best friend like one of my best friends growing up he was guatemalan yeah and he his grandparents would take care of him dude and they had slang terms for like penis and vagina dude yeah yeah they used to call uh a penis uh balinga balinga yeah and a fucking vagina was a kooky bro a cookie so i would just scream kooky all the time yeah his grandma would just be like what the fuck that's such like such like a white guy thing to do like learn another language and immediately ask for the bad words bro you ever some crazy man yeah you ever like feel like there's like a higher power or something i i think i don't know do you ever like experience you like that where you're like

this can't be like you know i don't think so bro when i was younger but for sure i had a babysitter was like portuguese or whatever this fat portuguese woman bro she would babysit my sister and i so like one day it's like early in the morning dude we're getting ready for school whatever we're in her basement you just hear the loudest like sound ever man and the ground kind of shakes a little bit yeah and she was like stay downstairs stay downstairs she goes upstairs and uh dude we were waiting for like an hour then she was like all right all right it's time to come up whatever whatever and uh she ended up telling us like you know there was a car accident or whatever and like it was like wicked brief dude so like a few years passed or whatever like you know say five ten years bro yeah i'm hanging

out with my best friend and uh he tells me a story about how his grandma fell asleep on the wheel going down England Street, which is where my babysitter's house was when he was younger. Because we were like asking his grandma if she could give us a ride. And she was like, no, no, I can't. a ride yeah and she was like no no i can't and then that's when he told me it was like oh like he's like my grandma can't drive because when we were younger she drove through a fence because she fell asleep on the wheel and i was like where was this he was like dude at england street i was like no fucking way dude so it was him that was yeah which is wild. Dude, yeah. Something like that. Yeah. I was in, so where I grew up is a very small town called Paris, California. Yeah.

And my family, like they all moved here, but they all grew up in a city in Mexico called Uruapan, Michoacan, which is like 3,000 miles away. which is like 3,000 miles away. And my mom was telling me this story about this guy that he was at a light, at a stoplight that turned green, and he didn't realize he was looking for something like CDs or something. Yeah. And then he looked up, and it was like yellow, and then it turned red again.

And he was like, huh, that's weird. And the guy in the car in front of him got out, came up to the window knocked on it and he said and he gave him like fucking 50 000 pesos and he was like what is this and he said me and the guy in the car in front of you had a bet that if you honked at me when the light turned green and it didn't go we're gonna come back here and shoot you and if you didn't i had to come back here and give you this money. So I was telling this to my friend. She was like, dude, like, I know that guy. And, like, she told me that over here in California.

And there's something that happened in Urupan, Michoacan. Damn, dude. That makes you want to, like, stop jerking off and shit, too. Like, shit like that, man. Yeah. Makes you want to, like. Well, no, because there's no lesson there it's just a coincidence yeah you just feel like there's some sort of like higher power out there dude like

pulling strings or something you ever see like a ghost no dude no no man are you religious no i used to go to church though when i was younger bro yeah what kind of church catholic yeah it was like presbyterian presbyterian yeah yeah there was this deaf guy dude he'd go to church he would try to sing he would just be making sounds like during mass damn dude that made me want to go like every i was every week i was just like looking forward to it yeah and like make sure i sat next to him too and everybody was like nice to him Yeah no one laughed I was fucking crying laughing This guy like

He barely knew when we were going to start singing too So I was like You know what I saw on the train the other day I saw two ladies Well first of all they ran into each other Which that made me think there was a higher power Like you run into your deaf friend on the train And they started signing to each other

But you know like when we're talking like with our voices Yeah, you could you could say something and I'll look this way and you're like talking and I go yeah Yeah, but it's kind of like I'm kind of ignoring you The lady was doing that But she was like she was getting signed that she was like they're like doing sign language and they didn't like looked away And the lady was still signing at her Wow, and I was like, that's crazy. You think they they were mentally challenged though well they were mexican but i don't think they're mentally challenged but i was i was like there's no more obvious way to let this lady know that you don't care for what she has to say to turn around while she's signing at you man i have a friend he's

like a sign language teacher and he says that they're all assholes really all deaf people sounds like a tough deal though yeah he said that they're like really racist too but he's also like one of these guys that like everything is like racist or anti-semitic that's like uh that's like mentally challenged supervisors like the uh the people that take care of mentally challenged people yeah they're usually pretty fucked up yeah oh yeah that's true yeah and people people, they're usually pretty fucked up. Oh, yeah. That's true, actually. Yeah. And people go, like, you're, like, a nice person.

And they're, like, yeah, I am. Yeah, they're usually just, like, fucking hungover, dude. You know? Like, the person they're taking care of is, like, launching a javelin into oncoming traffic. And they're just, like... I had a friend who wasn't mentally challenged who was put in a mentally challenged class because he had bad teeth. Really? Yeah, they were, like... You from... Is this in texas or someone is in california southern california his name his name was he was like a like a gangster's little brother oh wow like a big gangster in like our small town so he would like he was like very like a troublemaker and

shit he wouldn't pay attention in class and he had like really sharp teeth and we we called we called him sharky and you were like you were saying what's up to me i go ha ha that's how he would talk and one time we saw him in line with all the down syndrome kids really yeah and i asked my his best friend was another guy named frankie holy shit who like who i skated with and i was like what's i was like why is frankie in in that class and And then he was like, they think he's like something. He's like, there's nothing wrong with him. He just can't talk right. And he's like a troublemaker.

So they put him in that class. Dude, one of the craziest things I've ever seen. I kind of believe in God when I think about this, bro. Yeah. Dude, there used to be like a pretty small circular building in my high school. Yeah. Me and my buddy were walking up the stairs and we're talking about vagina. Cookie.

Yeah. Dude, there's a mentally challenged kid behind us walking up the stairs and he's listening to what we're saying. Dude, so he literally, swear to God, he goes into each individual classroom and starts screaming

vagina. Dude, every teacher was so like just caught off guard man he would just walk in like he's not in the class he was walking and be like vagina why was he unsupervised i don't know man he had something going on bro oh he was like one of them that could kind of be like on his own. Oh, right. But he really picked up on what people were saying. He's probably like one of those autistic ones. I mean, dude, he went into literally every single classroom. Holy shit.

Had to be at least six to seven classrooms on that floor. You guys followed him around and shit? You could hear it, dude. You could hear it all around the circle. White? Yeah. White people always have Down syndrome, huh? Yeah.

And then, like, everybody else is just, like, mean. Yeah. I think that's, like, the white people with disease is Down syndrome. Yeah. I saw... I wonder. I think it's, like, what we eat and stuff and, like, you know. Yeah.

The shit we do, I just think. And that's more in Uduapan, truck i don't know what i'm talking about there was a guy with down syndrome too who would like sit down and he would like rock back and forth he was he was driving the trucks he just sat down in front of his place crisscross applesauce yeah and he would always have like a coca-cola he'd never not drink a coca-cola dude if you had a like uh you'll go ahead sorry i was not just gonna say that his name was one better yeah which which is like did you guys name name him that after because that's like a down syndrome guy name yeah that's another thing that's just like yeah dude if you had to put money on like uh like a mentally challenged person

yeah like driving one of the tractor trailers with the logs on the back. They had to drive like one mile and then take an exit. Yeah. You think you'd put money on that? Any turns? They're going to make turns?

They have to drive on the highway one mile and then take an exit and then they're good. Yeah, I would. Have you seen the one of the dancing room kid that thinks he's stone cold steve austin yeah he walks into a pool with like two butter lights and with this he has like a vest on and stone cold steve austin song comes out in the background and he walks into the pool and you hear someone in the background go don't do that in the pool and he crashes into the glass everywhere and he starts drinking it. Wow.

And I was like, well, if he could learn that, he could learn how to drive a tractor trailer. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that would be a sick thing to put money down on. Yeah. Like I'm talking high stakes, dude. Like how much money? At least $100,000.

The payout's like five times. times well here's the thing with tractor trailers they're they're easier to get them to go because the the engines are so strong yeah they're easier to put them in first gear than a regular car yeah but the thing is like if they're just jerking around the stick shift for a mile how long until it burns out well if they're going uphill it'll be tough yeah if they're going downhill it'll be pretty easy one time i lost my brakes going downhill jesus man dude i was like i was like should i listen to the podcast before i come on and i was like ah no it's fine dude you always have to just follow your heart man and then again i came on and i'm like it took me like about 15 minutes yeah to like yeah no you don't want to do that man

no no dude you gotta come ready and shit no dude i've just been like i've been having like internal dialogue podcast man yeah it's not healthy bro there's somebody else here yeah like dude i would fucking like before podcasts i would like imagine what it's going to be like yeah and then uh i kind of stress out a little bit oh and then the podcast happens dude and it's the complete opposite and i'm like dude you could have just chilled you know right right so it's like it's more fun to just like have people over like not say much at the beginning and then just kind of like go into it dude yeah because like it's like dude it started off like some sort of unknown synergy bro and then like now it's like we're like a fucking we're like a pair of tits dude we're like one's bigger than

the other and shit no dude we're just fucking like a nice pair of tits dude like salami tits dude i was i was on the way over here and i was and i was listening to michael jackson beat it and i was vibing out dude oh yeah dude and i was like should i put on the podcast see kind of like what the vibe is and i was like no and then i took off the song and i started i was like maybe is it i don't know if it's gonna be stories i don't know if it's gonna be because this is the second podcast i've ever done where i don't know the host at all yeah and one of them ended up just being like really motivational okay and i wasn't ready for it but i like and then this one was like opposite fucking mind-blowing you were you were like right off the top you were like you ever see the trucks the logs

in the back i mean dude i felt i felt the synergy between us, dude. Yeah, dude. You think it was a good one? Yeah. You're my boy, dude. Oh, dude, thank you for coming, man. Yeah, dude. Was it then? Yeah, this is it, man. Did we start? Have we started? No, we haven't.

This is fucking Shutter Island, dude. That's right. No, but thank you for coming, man. Yeah, dude. Thanks for having me. Yeah, dude. Sean mentioned you, bro, so. Something like.

Shout out to Sean, dude. Yeah, shout out. Yeah, he told me about you, too, and I was like, I'm not going to hit him up. I don't know him. Yeah. But I'm happy you hit me up. This is fun. Sean, dude. Yeah. Shout out. Yeah. Tell me about you too. And I was like, I'm not going to hit him up. I don't know. I don't know him. Yeah. But I'm happy you hit me up. This is fun.

Yeah, dude. I think we're going to be like good friends, bro. You go out to the city a lot. Yeah. If not, I'll come, I'll come pick you up. Like every now and then. I'm excited, man. I'm excited for the future, bro.

And like what we're going to become, man. And they never spoke again. You have anything you want to shout out, dude? Keep on. Oh, shit. Yeah. i do sketches at a real piece of work a real pow on everything and i got a podcast keep on trucking podcast i'll have you on too all right dude that'd be fun oh yeah it's in my van the podcast fuck yeah dude i'm excited now man all right dude thank you thanks for having me