The Johnny Salami Podcast - Geo Perez

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

Geo Perez by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. It's fucking cold, dude. My fucking nipples are hard. Dude, that's crazy.

Why is it only like the nipples that get hard? You know what I mean? You think like you're supposed to be like erect or something Well not only that maybe just like your nostrils Or your ear lobes Why is it just like just your nipples Or your butthole like You know how like heat expands and then cold You know like your dick shrivels up

Like why doesn't your butthole shrivel up in the cold But your dick and balls do And then your nipples get hard basically because they shrivel up dude i think it's because my buttholes like hidden by like a rainforest like dude my fucking buttholes like you got your manji butt yeah dude my buttholes funded by like fucking lockheed martin dude robin woodman's been uh trapped in there for 40 years since a child. I think about that a lot, like what it would take to like, because people always say gay shit about like finger in their ass and stuff. Or at least the people I talk to, dude.

Right, right. And I'm just like, dude, I can't even imagine getting that far in to my ass. Well, I have only to get drugs out. Really? Yeah, because it kind of went too far in. Like I left them in there for too long and they just kind of squirmed their way up. Did you put them in there yourself, or you had someone else? No, no, no.

I've never put drugs in there. I only put my own. That's my trunk. Only I can pack it. Yeah. I was going to say, that'd be wild, dude, if you had, like, another man. Oh, yeah. That would be weird.

Because you, yeah. So how did you know, like, how far to go in there? Well, the thing was, it was just, it was like 20 grams of Coke. Yeah. But it was all bagged up in grams. Oh, all right. And it wasn't like in regular jewelry bags. I would put it in a corner of a sandwich bag and tie it.

Yeah. And like a little ass knot and then cut it off. People hated that. Yeah. Because Coke heads wanted to close the bag back up. Yeah. But I didn't give a fuck. I had the best Coke. So I'm like, you know, you're that because coke heads want to close the bag back up yeah but i didn't give a fuck i had the best coke so i'm like you know you know you're gonna take the coke not the bag but uh it was just lumped up like this almost like a golf a little bigger than a golf ball yeah and a cop got behind me and i just panicked and he was just following me around

so i just went in and just shoved it in there with no hesitation oh and i remember just feeling like a part of my soul dying while it was just like a tear and then just it was just my soul leaving my body yeah because it just i felt it in the back of my neck because it was just no heads like there was no ease it in i'm like i'm getting pulled over jammed it in there and then he hits the fucking sirens and as soon as i pull over he just kept going oh wow so i raped myself for no reason yeah i was gonna say dude if he pulled you over he'd be like dude why are you hard right now why does it smell like butt stuff in here you doing anal dude probable cause was it like midday

or was it at night it It was like in the evening. It was still light. That's why I knew. I was just like, oh shit, he saw me. You think you could pull off being gay for at least a few minutes? You should be like, my bad. I was just getting dirty. From my boyfriend?

Maybe not at the time. Because the whole thing is, man, they can't go in your butt unless they have a warrant. And then if they get the warrant, They're coming in with a SWAT If they have a canine with them though That kind of smells it a little bit It smells your butt I don't think he's going to be able to smell it

Really? Yeah I think it's deep in there Yeah It's trapped I think And especially like When I was 17 I showered like twice a week

So that dog was going to get sick That dog was going to die He was going to pass away Yeah he was better off eating chocolate and smelling my ass yeah yeah because dude i don't what do you think you would do though uh today if you were about to get arrested because i think i would just say i'm like uh like a gay fucking retard transgender yeah immigrant oh yeah i just say i'm a migrant and they'll just yeah i'll just add No no no Just got Just got here Yeah

Say no say And just see what happens Yeah Dude I feel like you can get away With anything right now You really can Just pretend like you're a migrant Especially if you have like a moped

Oh dude I just saw a dude Come in here I saw a dude do a wheelie On a moped Really Yeah it was the coolest shit ever I didn't know those things Couldn't wheelie

Yeah And I was like I feel bad for whoever's food Is on the back I wonder who's making the mopeds man Cause those because those definitely aren't like Chinese mopeds, dude. I think Italy. Really? Yeah.

I was thinking more like Japan, dude. I don't know who makes better mopeds. I think the Americans. I know China makes like shit. China? I mean, everything they make is garbage. Yeah. But it's cheap, so people just buy it you're a

timu guy you buy timu stuff no i used to have a moped though when it was japanese dude and it fucking lasted so long dude it was crazy i would treat it like shit dude every year i'd have to go to this fucking old guy's house and he would have to like clean out the carb and stuff right i had no idea what he was doing, but he was just like, yeah, man, you're lucky this is, like, a nice fucking moped, dude. I would just go to him every year, dude. Just like this weird cowboy dude. You know those guys who just have, like.

Not in New York. Is this in New York? No, this is in Rhode Island, dude. Oh, okay. He lived up the road from me, and I would just, like, knock on his door and be like, hey, man, can you, like, fix my moped? He would charge you? Yeah, he was one of the weirdest guys I've ever met in my life.

Why? Did he try to touch you or something? When I was a child, dude, he would ride around. I should have just stopped there. Yeah, okay. I was just like, damn. I was like, I locked something bad. Yeah, dude, he molested me.

And ever since, I was like, that's my guy. Dude, you would dress up as like a legit cowboy, dude. Really? In Rhode Island? Yeah. Which is insane, first of all. But dude, he had a motorcycle. He had like a Harley and he would drive around.

But he had like a subwoofer system on the Harley, dude. Oh, sorry. Yeah. So did he have the light system too? Yeah. It was just like pimped out, dude. So he would ride around dressed as a cowboy dude, and he would play like hardcore rap. Like he would play like 50 Cent back in the day.

Richard died trying on the trike. He would just go like 70 and like a 25 with like a straight face. Nobody even like batted an eye. Ah, that's amazing. I saw an old white dude on a bike uh blasting uh hip-hop the other day too but like old school not like 50 like more like a coogee rap and uh rock him and eric b all right so my eye that makes sense but like the harley would like he looked like a crackhead yeah biker yeah but listening to hip-hop yeah if you're playing

good music on a harley dude i feel like that's pretty sick have you ever rode a bike you ever had a bike besides like a moped you ever had my moped maxed out at like 30 miles an hour i caused like fucking three pile-ups dude like in the city or rhode island in rhode island i was i would always get beeped at because i was going too slow and if i had to go up a hill dude i'd be going be going like 15. Well, was this like battery powered? No, dude. It was just like a regular. Gas powered. And it only went 30. Yeah, because I didn't have a motorcycle license.

Oh. So the max size I think you can get is like 50cc. So you might as well just be in a bike lane at that point with that thing. Pretty much. Yeah, dude. Might as well be at like the Special Olympics with that, dude. Dude, in DR with a nice moped? You can get some pussy out there, bro.

For real? Yeah. Mopeds are big out there. Just like in bro. For real? Yeah, mopeds are big out there. Just like in India. Like, in most brown countries, mopeds are a big thing. It's got to be a two-seater, though. Yeah, yeah, you need the wide seats. You know what I mean? You want the seats where you can fit, like, two bitches on the back.

Or two bitches and one of your friends. Yeah. You know? You think you could fit a fatty on the back? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, just try to be easy with it with the potholes that'd be hilarious if you like took a fatty home and crashed oh dude i i i hurt my i pulled my back

once yeah that was the fact she was short too like she so she was probably like maybe like 150 but she was like five feet tall yeah at the time and i think she fatty? She was thick, but she was proportioned right. You know what I mean? She had big titties. She had a fat ass, but she had a big gut. You know what I mean? Chubby face. And I was trying to be lazy, and I was like, oh, let her get on top.

And you know when you're trying to end and you're doing that little thrust up? So I think from that, I pulled my back because it was just a lot of weight. And I was like 50 pounds less at the time. Yeah. And she was, you know, she had, she definitely had, we probably, she probably weighed 20 more pounds than me, but I was taller. Holy shit. Yeah.

Yeah. As long as you're taller, dude. Nah, but the, the, the, the engineering of it. Yeah. It didn't make sense. She was too, she was too big. You figured it out though? Nah, man.

I did one, another girl who was twice her size in Alabama sense She was too big You figured it out though? Nah man I did one Another girl who was twice her size in Alabama She was big She was huge Yeah And I'm like I'm just going on top But I just came so quick

Because she was so warm And big It was just so much Like I was hugging her Did it feel like no one's like No one had ever been inside of there? No it felt like there was a lot of For real?

People inside of her? No, it felt like there was a lot of people inside of her. Yeah. I found out afterwards, because it was a girl I was hooking up with. It was her friend. Yeah. And she was just like, hey, my friend, she's going through a drought. Yeah. It was like a weird thing to ask. But I had threesomes with this girl and shit.

So I'm like, ah, sure. And I go to hook up with her and we just hooked up once and then she told her friend the reason was is because i wasn't black and i was like oh that's the nicest way to say my dick's not big enough yeah yeah that's tough man i had a experience like that recently dude what with a with a fat girl wasn't even like it wasn't sexual at all dude but i did like a bar show and then i was leaving and this girl was like hanging out outside and she was like oh i'm sorry i missed your set i was like what like i don't even know who this chick was dude so i like started talking

to her and she's like yeah like i've seen you online or whatever like okay but she was so she was there for you she was retarded dude she was like i moved here from north carolina and i was like why and she's like i want to produce comedy shows so she's a comic no that's what i was like oh you're a cop she's like no i just want to like produce shows and i was like oh so you're retarded so you're a chuckle fucker yeah but dude i thought i was crushing it man like talked to her for like 15 minutes, dude She was pretty? Was she pretty? Yeah, I mean, for like my standards, for sure, man What are your standards? What's your type?

Solid five, solid six, man I think she was pushing the edge on like seven Really? She was a Brooklyn girl, man She had like piercings and like tattoos Hairy armpits In a sexual way, dude I kind of like a trashy like bushwick bitch yeah because

you know she you know she likes it like crazy she's like they try to act like oh i'm sexy because like oh you know all this stuff is bad but they'll have like you know like the weirdest fantasies they're like oh i want you to kidnap me first and then you know uh send my father a ransom note yeah and then i i'm gonna come to his reply yeah they're open-minded man yeah very open yeah that's what it is but it's usually like their idea yeah they're the weird ones yeah it just takes a little bit to get out of a man yeah i've never experienced that personally but that's what was like what you just described was going on in my mind i was like i was like oh is that too detailed i'm gonna take this chick home dude but at like the 15 minute mark dude uh this black dude came out

and uh he was like you ready to go to her yeah and i was like oh damn because that you know you know like i can't compete with that man no i can't you know at some points like i'll be with a girl on a date yeah and if a black dude comes along you just i bet not you guys go especially like a chill black dude yeah like one who's like cool yeah you start talking to him and you're like wow this dude's really nice you almost start falling in love with him yeah you're like oh dude i i want you to fuck the shit out this girl yeah but i don't even want to watch like on no cuck shit i'm you know just go have a good time without me yeah i've never been in a situation where that happened and I was like, oh, let's get competitive.

You just challenged him to a one-on-one in basketball? Just like, dude, pull your pants down right now. Dude, I think, you know how cool it would be, right? Like, you ever been, like, you're just walking with a girl and there's like a group of black dudes and they try to hit on, they try to hit on your while you're there with them has that ever happened to you me personally no i've seen that in like a few pornos though like a few blow bangs that's on stars and i i've i've been through that with a girl i wasn't even with or fucking with she was just a hot comic that i was just going somewhere did you like you did you like fascinate about her though like was that the end goal yeah i fascinated about even the ugly comics and i'm like yeah what what would it be like you know i just try to picture her labia or pretty much anything with tits yeah i was like oh she has eyes

she doesn't even she's as long as she has half her teeth i don't even give a fuck as long as she has the front ones back teeth yeah you're thinking about it gets in the way yeah but uh but like it would be cool because like the dude's just like like hitting on her like cat calling her she's gorgeous jamaican girl and i was like how cool would be if she just turned to them she's like no i'm good he has a 14 inch cock to you yeah to like to the guys like it just points at me he's like oh no no i'm good fellas he has a 14 inch cock to you yeah to like to the guys like it just points at me he's like oh no no no i'm good fellas he has a 14 inch cock yeah yeah so i think i'm gonna train my girls it just came in my head while i was walking with her and i was like i mean if i say anything violent i'm gonna get beat up and get jumped in harlem and you know that's the worst place you want to get jumped in

this one of the worst places yeah like you're gonna get uh cte from from that ass and it just popped in my head i was like oh it would be so much funnier just be like oh you just whip your dick out instead and it's but it's like it's it's like winter like jump out of a cold water small like what you can't compete with this fellas what are you gonna do yeah i mean it's like a stalemate because they're like well this guy's like they don't know what to do it just it fries their circuit because it's like oh this guy just whipped his dick out we should you know whoop his whoop his ass for being gay yeah i mean dude you would know better than me though like i feel like most black dudes i've met are pretty homophobic like very homophobic just you pulling down your pants i feel like would do the job no no like words just like whoa yeah yeah maybe just like ask him if you want to like fuck hey guys can you look at it can you rate my dick from one to ten look at it look at it make

eye contact go go i feel like that would do the job dude i'm pretty sure you're uncircumcised too don't act like you've never seen foreskin before yeah dude but you would have to like train that chick to to say that yeah you might have to pay her like a large sum of money be like i got 89 dollars can you just tell him i have a 14 inch cock yeah or you just feel it coming you're like oh these guys are gawking like yo listen if they start hitting on you say i'm good fellas his cock is 25 inches long. Yeah. Do you feel like, did you feel good that they were kind of cackling on her though?

Or did you kind of get scared? Was there a sense of pride a little bit? No, there was like a sense of like, oh, this girl looks at me like, like if she was in danger, it's over for her. But again, like I would fight for a girl that was mine yeah if i was fucking her i'm like i gotta you know because you don't want to hear it i want to keep fucking you but it's not somebody i'm fucking so it's kind of like you would fight for a woman that you're having sex with because i think not all of them now i feel like i would

dip on most if If she's annoying, if she's a girl that I'm like, I can bring her around my friends, I might fight for her. But if she's an embarrassment, I might let her get beat up and just act like I wasn't paying attention. I didn't hear you screaming. I was playing chess on my phone.

It was intense. I've never been in a fight before, though. You've never fist fought? No, but i think about it a lot do you fantasize you have fight fantasies i fantasize about like the altercation beforehand oh like the like you're saying some cool shit yeah i wouldn't say anything cool but i'm like pretty retarded dude so i would like feel a sense of pride if i said something so retarded that like it ended everything you know so like i come up to you right now like when i'm like yo what yo you're my man yo funny mustache the fuck you looking at dude i would i'd pull out my left

nut dude and i'd give you one of these but would you do it like under the box or the or you do it just like my left not right of the boxer. Honestly, dude, I think I would just pull down my pants in general. Yeah. But I've been practicing this shit in the mirror where I go like this. I scream it at the top of my lungs when no one's home. Yeah. I'm just like, yo, I fear God, homie.

But it's like really loud. Like I scream it like my life's on the line. That would be some dope shit to say. Dude, yeah. Only God can judge me Cause that's gay and confusing dude Like if you combine both of those together Like a tattoo that like a wigger white girl would get You know it's just like

The streets I didn't choose the streets The streets chose me You just say some shit like that Yeah but it's like the combination of like those two things, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? But like, yeah, that's like having like a tattoo on your back of like eagle wings and like a cross.

Oh, with the Grim Reaper? But it just says something like random. Like boner farts. It's like you're not going to fuck with that guy, dude. You know what I mean? Oh, dude, yeah. If somebody just had something retarded tattooed on their belly You know what I mean

It's just on top it just says you know Characteristic Just because most people can't say that word Just a tongue twister Something so random Like you can't even like process it dude Oh yeah just have like a tongue twister I think about that all the time dude

In a tattoo of like a snail on my back think about that all the time dude in a tattoo of like a snail on my back oh that'd just says dick cheese below it dick goo or you have like a a dick with a shell on his back and it's like it's like the this the you know it has like the the snail slug goo like it leaves a trail, but it's jizz. Wait, so where's the... It's like a cock slug. On the cock's back? Yeah, so you have a cock.

You know how a slug kind of looks like... It's kind of just like a cock, basically. So you just have a cock with a shell on its back. And then the secretions coming out is just jizz. So you just have white jizz. It covers my whole back, though. Yeah, when you make a 3D tattoo. It's pointed towards my ass.

It's going up your spine. It's going out of your ass crack. Like the cocksnail just came out your butt. Yeah. I feel like that is the move, though, dude. If you're going to get in a fight, at least try to confuse someone first before... What would be the best way to confuse somebody? Because doing the

crazy stuff doesn't work you know it just kind of like you know the people like punch themselves you know yeah that's like uh you just start doing the river dance too generic though you just look at somebody and you look like you're about to square up you start doing the you know the yeah a jig yeah i saw that will fuck somebody Dude, you want to hear something fucking confusing? Dude, I saw a video of this gang member dude, and he was screaming at this dude's fucking... He was screaming at this dude on the train, and the dude was with his wife. So the guy getting screamed at is with his wife? Yeah. Oh, dude.

And his wife was kind of embarrassed, because he was scared. He is with his wife. Yeah. And his wife was kind of, like, embarrassed because, like, he was scared. Like, he wasn't doing anything. Yeah. Dude, so she took out. I don't know if they were Jewish, dude. She took out a bag of coins and she aimed it at the gangster and hit her husband in the face, dude. With a bag of coins? What the fuck?

Dude, this is a white couple? Yeah yeah and what was the guy screaming at them he was like he was just talking shit like he wasn't even like the guy didn't do anything he was just trying to like you know he was trying to start something oh that's hilarious man you just have this the sonic sound effect yeah yeah when it gets hit yeah but dude i don't even i don't know the video ended after that but like i feel like after that you gotta think you can't kick that guy's ass no yeah you have to you already won the battle you know what i mean yeah yeah you walk away at that point yeah i remember one time i got into an argument uh with these two crackheads because they threw a beer at my car really yeah because they were walking the streets they were crossing the street and uh

they were walking slow and i slowed down you know i waited for them to cross but i i kind of saw him a little late and next thing i know the guy just from the side just chucks a beer at me so i just have you ever been in a fight i've been a lot of fights really yeah a lot of fights that's uh some weapons involved in fights like knife fights and shit. Yeah, I think you told me once about like what happened, like you got your teeth knocked out or something. Yeah, I got pistol whipped at my friend's apartment. I actually was doing door dash and delivered some Chinese food there today. I got a little traumatized.

I was just like looking. I was like, oh, yeah yeah so i got pistol whip and then like right across the street is where i got sliced on my neck same apartment complex yeah i was like oh my cousin got shot in the head right here so it's like a little tour did like stuff a little trauma tour was it random or did it always like start off kind of like slow and then like like a movie or no the the the pistol whipping was random. Kind of random. Yeah.

My cousin who got killed there, he was selling a lot of drugs and causing a lot of attention to himself. You know what I mean? He bought like a pink Beamer. You get a pink Beamer. Stop. It was blue. But when you get a Beamer in the hood, people equate that to like, oh, you're a millionaire. Yeah.

So somebody tried to rob them where was this like a location wise uh long island really yeah they got a hood in long island there's a hood in every town in long island yeah there's a hood near you like a hardcore it's not as bad as you know some places like if you go into like you know soundview projects in the bronx or like certain places in providence where it's just fucking very bad but there are places in long island like uh wine dance amityville uh what's the other one i forget but there are like places where if they don't know you there's a good chance you get shot yeah or like somebody will come and press you yeah

just your place I would advise you not to go yeah start screaming penis and shit croquette faggot late at night that wouldn't fly there no no that actually like what do you want what's that what are you buying don't think are you buying they'll think you're buying something they think you're probably like methed out not methed out they probably think you're like smoking crack or like uh yeah or like cracked out have you ever smoked crack um no do you want to it's like doing coke man if you i tell people i'm like if you if you're sniffing coke you might as well just smoke that glass dick and get high.

Because one, you're ruining your nostrils. And you're sniffing mostly cut. When you smoke crack, even if it's cut up, you're getting like the way you smoke it out of a glass pipe, it purifies it. If I look casual, you are about it. You're like, dude, just smoke crack. Or because it's that, if you want something better, you got to inject it. If anything, I'm a pretty sober guy.

But if I was to go into that field, I'd probably get high on fucking ass, dude. Just smelling dirty ass. It's destroying the environment. But it's like making the you know the galaxy gas what is this thing the galaxy air yeah you just have like farts in a fucking little tank clt like the co2 tanks i think i would just open up a business dude where you just have like a bunch of hot chicks come into like a private facility so that they can like rip ass oh dude it's called uh the bunny ranch in bunny ranch just feed these bitches carrots all day they'll be ripping ass all that fucking yeah that would be cool to have like your own way of getting high though because i don't think i don't

know how many people are doing that right now just getting high off farts oh you do like some jackass shit where you just put like a space suit on somebody yeah and then girls just farting into tubes that just like a gas mask yeah yeah like people are ripping bong at a party and you're just taking ass hits oh dude that would be amazing but and you know like you know hot girls have the worst diets too like you know they eat like flaming hot cheetos and just drink white claw so those farts yeah the ones with good genetics that would be sick to put on a gas mask and take a fart to the face from like a yoga instructor though dude yeah what you just come out of the closet it just smells like like spirulina and plan b pills

smells like purell and fucking plants yoga instructors are tight yeah even when they're ugly they're still hot yeah i've been to i've been to a few yoga classes like no homo but my brother's a yoga instructor he's not gay but you went with dudes yeah yeah it was because because my my uh my brother has classes so i just go for free sometimes oh that's pretty sick and uh there's some cute girls there and then you you see like the other instructors that are like in the other classes and i'm like i almost want to just like you know abandon my brother's class and go to theirs yeah and and like i like staying in the back because some of them have like butter faces so i just kind of like i'm in the back of the classroom so i could just watch not to look at the other girls just so the instructor looks hotter

yeah it's all about the lighting dude yeah and the energy in there because i don't care about like the bitches in there yeah like they're lost they don't know what they're doing like i like i like the alpha bitch yeah they're all fucking bipolar dude man a lot of bipolar chicks do uh yoga are you into have you have you ever dated like a crazy girl? Like a psycho? That's all I've dated, man. Really? Mentally ill women. Yeah. Mentally ill women are very into me, dude.

Probably because I'm mentally ill, but... I respect the honesty because most people be like, nah, I love crazy bitches. I'm like, no, that's all you can get. Yeah, I'm too like empathetic as a guy. Oh, you try to save them? You be sympathetic for these hoes? No, I just kind of like cry alone, dude. You know what I mean? too like empathetic as a guy oh you try to save him you'd be sympathetic for these hoes no i just

kind of like cry alone dude you know what i mean i've had a lot of chicks who like uh like i i don't know that they're mentally ill but then i kind of find out and then i like feel bad for myself but then i feel bad for them too you think you could change it it makes me feel bad for myself dude like one time i went to this island for, like, the 4th of July, dude. And I met this chick. Was it Long Island? It was Block Island. Where's that at?

Off the coast of, like, Rhode Island. Oh, okay. You just have to take a ferry there. It's, like, a good 4th of July spot, dude. Like, it's titty city, bro. You couldn't take a straight friend? You had to take a faggot with you? I didn't take anyone.

Oh, I see. You took a ferry. Like, you took a gay guy with you. Yeah. It's going to take me like three minutes to process that. I'm a fucking hack. Like thinking wicked hard. I'm like, wait, what?

I was late on it. Yeah, dude. She went to Black Island. I met this chick on a boat dude and uh everyone kind of like left the boat to go to like the beach and stuff and it was me and her like drinking and stuff like talking and she was pretty hot and uh i remember leaving that island dude like eating a fucking croissant bro that's just thinking like dude i can't this is the best weekend of my life man like i i don't want to leave here and then i started like texting this girl afterwards when i got back home and dude she would like text shit backwards like i thought i

was reading like latin and stuff so she was dyslexic and i was like oh there's nothing wrong with like a dyslexic chick you know but then. But then I found out that she was mentally ill, dude. What was she saying? Was the message just normal? No. What were you seeing backwards? Did you have to put it in a mirror? Was it that backwards?

I had to use fucking AI and shit. Google Translate. What is this crazy bitch saying? Yeah, my computer just lit on fire, dude. Really? Yeah, no. what is this crazy bitch saying yeah my computer just like lit on fire dude yeah no she would just say like mentally ill shit like uh i love you yeah like one day she'd be like oh my god you're so cool and the next day she'd be like oh my god you're so gay and i was like oh this is pretty normal you know like it's usually what happens but then it would continuously happen over and over again like it would be like sporadic and shit. Then I confirmed with another person, you know, I was like, hey, is this person like retarded?

And they were like, yeah. But I was like, I was in love with her, dude. So I was in love with a retarded person for like. You like the hot and cold of it. You like like, oh, she's so nice to me. Now she's being mean. Why is she being mean? But that's what certain girls do.

We're like, oh, I'm just going to. Dude, I literally thought she was, like, a normal human being. No, no, none of them are. Like, imagine me going on a date with a special needs chick and just not knowing that she's special needs. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, you know, her eyes are very beady. You thought she was Asian? Yeah.

And you meet her parents, and they're both white. Yeah, she, like, drives into, like, into like a fucking gas tank i'm like that was hilarious dude i've i've i've had sex with like girls that after the fact i realized i'm like oh she's retarded but she's she's like an eight so you can can't tell. Yeah, dude. Mentally ill chicks in bed are just, you know. Because you only find out when you just have like a deep conversation with them. Yeah. You know? And you're just like, oh, you know, what do you think about 9-11?

Yeah. You know, how do you feel about that? You know, do you think Epstein really killed himself? Yeah. And then they're like, oh, no, you know, the 9-11 was not an inside job. And Epstein really killed himself yeah and then they're like oh no you know the 911 was not an inside job and epstein definitely killed himself i'm like oh this bitch is a fucking retard yeah and she you know she's gonna vote for kamala harris and you know i'm not that i'm gonna vote for the other guy i'm not gonna vote regardless have you have you gotten with chicks

that are like mentally ill though oh yeah for real yeah i've had girls like cut themselves in front of me wow but like with dull scissors holy shit yeah and and i didn't realize like because they're not for like the blood they just want to cause a little pain and she had a scar on her inner thigh wow and just out of nowhere she's just like just had a breakdown because i was trying to break up with her yeah it'd be hard as a rock oh dude i was hard and i was recording it so i could beat off to it later wow and also you weren't like a go pro or no it was just my phone just an apple it was just his iphone 5 you had a go pro like on your chest i had a miner's cap like geo why are you wearing the helmet with the camera again

you're telling her it's like a school project yeah she believes you yeah don't mind that she's like trying extra hard yeah just i don't go to jail i'm like this is just proof that i didn't assault you yeah yeah but uh she was the love of my life that's what i've heard man on the reddit threads a lot of dudes talk about that man they're like i'm in love with this woman but she's mentally ill. But it's, I think it's because of the sex, man. My mom was mentally ill. How so? Uh, she, she's like a OCD, um, like cleaner. Yeah.

Like she's very OCD with cleaning and stuff. She has like schedules. She has to clean at a certain time, clean certain things, certain days. And, uh, she doesn't stop. Right. And I realized, um, she she was bipolar i'm diagnosing her yeah because dominicans don't believe in mental health that like doesn't exist so like seeing her and knowing what she's been through i'm like um she uh also she's. Yeah. I found out that she used to fight guys. Wow.

She used to beat up dudes. Just for fun? Yeah. Just for fun. No, she just had anger issues. She had anger issues. And. I mean, not to, like, bash your mom, dude, but there's probably mad dudes, like, spanking to her.

Oh, yeah, dude. I had posted a video, and her feet just happened to be in it. Yeah. And a comedian, Michael Figgs, a dirtbag. He's a terrible person. He's a piece of shit. Yeah, I think he's a rapist. He's a scumbag, dude.

100% rapist. He's got a podcast called like Fig Talk or something. Fig Talk, yeah. Don't even think about watching it. Yeah, he talks about raping girls. That's just everything. I think he does it on the podcast. If you're a girl with a mattress tied to her back, come to Fig Talk.

No, but he put on a comment. He commented on my mom's. He's like, I thought this was a foot fetish page. And it got like 20,000 likes, the comment. This was recently? Yeah, this was recently. This was my biggest video ever made and it sucks because um i realized it was more about my mom's feet than the actual content and it was just something we just watching a baseball game and her feet would just happen to be there yeah i was just

trying to fuck my grandmother you know she's old yeah trying to have a good time she's a yankee fan yeah so i put on mob the show told her it was a game. Yeah. And it went viral. That's tough, man. It went viral for my mom's feet. So you're kind of like, you're upset or like, is there a little bit of pride? Nah, there's not. It's just, you know, somebody said my mom's feet look like that had knuckles. And I was like, okay.

You take after her, dude? No, I'm not. But as far as feet? Yeah. I got nice feet. Yeah. I got my father's feet. That's what I'm saying, dude.

It's like, you know. Gay ass feet.'s like gay ass feet i got gay ass you ever think about doing like only fans or something only feets only feet yeah man feet are like really crushing it i know you know i've had friends guy friends admit that they've sold feet pictures online yeah and um i wouldn't be opposed to it i I wouldn't be opposed to, you know, whoring myself out. Yeah, there's no shame in that, dude. To just have my feet, like, crunched up to my cock. Yeah.

I mean, whatever it takes, man. I met a lot of people, man, who have had OnlyFans and made a good amount of money, you know? Oh, yeah, I know a few. Some of them take care of me in comedy. But, yeah, man, I had a... Salute to Karen Feehan. My friend's mom was a guatemalan dude not that that's related to the the dr but it's close i would jerk off to her a lot dude did she have a big belly no dude she was one of the hottest women i've ever seen in my life

harry sideburns but like a fat ass huge ass dude she uh she had like a tramp stamp too oh yeah so she ran sometimes she would be gardening out front dude doing some mulch work and shit she would bend over dude i would be on my bike just hard as a rock you know just on the moped yeah and as i got older because i've known her my whole life, dude, so I would see her when I was older and I, like, lost weight and stuff and became, like, somewhat of a man. Right. And she'd be like, oh, my God, John, like, I can't even recognize you.

And, dude, I would spank so hard to that. She'd touch your chest. She'd rub your nipples. I don't think she'd ever touch me, but that would put me over the edge, man. Dude, Latino women are very touchy if they like you. If they like you, you get, like, a rub on the shoulder. you doing yeah i mean dude i don't know i've never i've been like delving into it man like thinking about dating uh have you ever been with a latina no but i've been thinking about it man you know like i feel like it would be cool just because

like girls really aren't loyal nowadays and i think that would be cool to have like a loyal woman in my life oh you want loyal and mental illness get yourself a latina yeah i don't know about the mental illness man but the loyalty maybe you know no i mean it comes with it it's part of the game none of them are just like mentally like held together no fuck none of them i mean but they are traditionally good women most of them not the new generation but you know a lot of my cousins who were in late 40s, 50s and stuff like that, they're very traditional, cooking clean for their man. Yeah. You have to, like, support them though, right? Nah, they work.

What are they doing for work? I mean, some of them have good jobs. Some of them are just janitors. Some of them are like, you know, none of them have good jobs. Some of them are just janitors. Some of them are like, you know. None of them are OnlyFans. I have a lot of cousins who are whores, but not to that level. Yeah. One of my buddies, he has a Mexican wife, and he has to support her,

but she does all the cleaning and stuff and f farts on his like his balls and shit oh so she's a freak too yeah yeah as long as he supports her like she'll give you a blumpkin dude she'll make you a fucking bean fucking make a pupusas and shit yeah dude she'll do like a cake fart video like live on the spot it just fills her butt crack with like whipped cream and just farts have you seen that video cake farts isn't that when they like pack their ass crack with like frosting or something and they fart so it like kind of pushes it out it's just one girl dude and uh there's no competition she's got a monopoly on cake i think it got taken down from porn hub but it's just this really hot chick and she makes there's like a really well-made cake on the table and uh yeah

dude she just walks up to it sits on it and rips a heater dude and there's just like you see the trail the wind trail there's just like a trail of like fucking cream everywhere and shit but the sound it makes dude is so fucking funny yeah would you eat a girl's ass after that? She rips multiple farts, too, dude. After she rips a fart, now she has frosting all in her taint and cooch, would you clean it up with your mouth after she ripped ass? Yeah, dude. This chick's like a solid 10. Even if she was a 5, dude, the fact that she did that, I would do that in a...

You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm contemplating that. I don't know. Because I'm not into farts when it comes to bitches really a queef is cool yeah but this is fine listen man i've seen chicks fart before and i'm not into chick farts either but this one was a whole different level she had a big butt yeah like you can't watch this video without laughing dude dude girls girls with big butts their their fucking farts have so much base to it. Yeah.

Like, some of them, like, have man farts. Like, it's just not even, like, funny. You know, most farts, you hear fart. Like, they're intimidating. You're like, whoa. You know? My baby mother, back in the day, it was me and my cousin and her, and we were, like, we just had smoked watching a movie,

and my daughter's mother's laying on top and we were like, we just had smoked, watching a movie. And my daughter's mother's laying on top of me, like laying sideways. Yeah. And we're watching a movie. My cousin's sitting to the left of me. And all of a sudden, like, you know, she's knocked out. And all of a sudden, she just goes. Yeah.

You know, she's a fat ass. Yeah. Fucking explosion. So loud, she woke up from it wow she woke up from it looked up at me to see if i noticed and then just put her head back down wow like like i didn't just hear that and i was just thinking about my cousin hearing my baby mother just rip ass yeah and i look over hard as a rock oh yeah i started like you know pulling my pants down because once i realized i look over because like that's started, like, you know, pulling my pants down. Because once I realized, I look over, because I was like, that's embarrassing. My cousin just, you know, he's probably rock hard, too.

But I look over, and he's a big fellow. And he's just on, like, sleeping into his chest. You ever seen a fat person, like? Yeah, they, like, use it as a pillow? Yeah, like, the chin just kind of. So I look, and he's just passed out. I'm like, oh, thank God. And I could jerk off because he's sleeping.

Yeah. And then I just kind of came on her face because she's laying on my chest. That's like an ideal situation. Yeah. It's like a dream scenario. I'm like, oh, this is a perfect time. Dude, I was thinking the same thing, though. Like my Guatemalan friend had like a hot sister.

And she would take massive shits, dude. Like sometimes I would go to take a shit at his house and she was going after i would go in after doing the toilet would just be like clawed was she a big girl no she was super hot but like a fat ass i was like dude i wonder if like yeah because girls hold it in for like five days they try not to shit as much as possible well i mean dude if you're like hispanic women with fat asses i think they just take big shits Yeah, because girls hold it in for like five days. They try not to shit as much as possible. So they take massive dumps. Like Hispanic women with fat asses, I think they just take big shits. Yeah, because they have a bigger tank.

And they're just eating beans all day and shit. Rice. A lot of starch. It's like eating Chipotle all day. But I like to think it's because they have fat asses. Dude, I was always a butt guy. But as I got older, I went more for boobs. Really? Yeah.

That's what I've noticed. I think I'm trying to settle down. Yeah, man. Tits are pretty powerful nowadays. Because you know it's for the baby. I'm getting older now. I want another kid. The fact that it's going to feed your newborn is like...

Got to feed a village. Yeah. I want them village feeders. i feel you dude there and also i think it's just kind of like i got bored of asses and then bbl's ruined it you know what i mean like remember how like the matrix came out bbl is like uh the brazilian butt lift the fake butts oh yeah i thought it stood for big black lesbians. Big black. No, it's big black. It would be BBD, big black dykes, because they don't use the word lesbian. Oh, really?

Yeah, they're still in 95. Is it like politically incorrect? Yeah, they don't like the word lesbians. They like bull dagger, dyke. Dyke is politically correct? In the black community. Oh, okay. Yeah, you can't use it in the white community, but black people still use dyke. All right.

Yeah, it's still not offensive yet. It's kind of a sick word, honestly. I love dyke men. You ever been to dyke men in Manhattan? That's where all the Dominican are. Really? Yeah, Dyke Men Road. So are you like, what's your lineage?

Are you like full on DR? Yeah, both of my parents are born and raised out there grandparents but um they're so fucking country i don't know my lineage like that yeah but my brother did the 23 and me and we have some like middle eastern in us it's just like it showed middle eastern native american like taío Indians. Yeah. It showed some European and like 16% Sub-Saharan African. Yeah. So that's why I started seeing the N-word less. I'm like, all right.

Just because I'm Dominican, I kind of got to pull back. It's kind of risky, dude. Yeah. I mean, I've been doing it my whole life. Yeah. So I've been black my whole life. Yeah. Did you play baseball at all? Nah, dude. Yeah, I mean, I've been doing it my whole life, so. Yeah. So, you know, I've been black my whole life. Yeah. What, uh, did you play baseball at all? Nah, dude, I played no

sports. I played for a church, a basketball church team once, and I was so terrible. Didn't someone say you played, I think someone said you played baseball. Nah. You think they're just racist? Man, racist. Yeah. They're just being racist. It's fucked up, dude. I got cousins who almost made it into the league, but, like, yeah, they were fucking gay. Like like one was like in a baseball camp in dominican republic and

he came back for a girl yeah she wasn't even bipolar like it was a fucking waste she was like mentally stable yeah but he wasn't and um he ruined two chances so he ruined he was first he was getting looked at the yankee farm team, whatever, Stanton, whatever, the Stanton Yankees, Scranton, whatever. And they were like, go to a baseball camp at Dominican Republic, stay out there and we'll come check you out and then we'll sign you from there. It's easier to get signed like that. Yeah.

So he does it. He starts getting homesick, comes back for the girl. He comes back. The girl ends up leaving him and um fucks up his chance to get in but he still kind of played and he went and he's like hey you know what let me keep trying and then the white socks minor league came and looked at him but they they were like, you're 28 years old. Oh, no, I think he was like 26. Like, you're 26 at the time. Use your cousin's ID who was younger so you look younger. This is an organization telling them that.

But he was like, no, I want to use my name. So he was only going to change his first name, not his last name, and he didn't want to do that. Wow. And then at 29, he tried to do it again. They're like, no, it's too late. So now he just thinks people are following him and trying to chase him. Yeah.

He thinks like the government's after him. Yeah. He's never done anything wrong. So he like, he's never broken the law, but he has delusions of grandeur Of people chasing him Wow, that's fucking wild, dude That's unheard of, man If he would've made it to that MLB, bro

He would've just been fucking bitches left and right Like Derek Jeter He was a handsome dude I used to play against DR kids, dude And they were so good It was just like insane You could throw a curveball Like a 12-6

It's like 80 miles an hour And they would just like Hit it up the middle And then they'd like Shout out their six kids in the outfield yeah like 16 with two kids yeah i mean dude we would play like dr kids who had like seven kids and they were like 12 i mean on their birth certificate yeah but they were really 26 warmers type shit have you seen that joke when he's just like the birth certificate was just a picture and says i am I am 12? Yeah, with the green crayon.

Dude, it's like one of the best scenes of all time. When he yells Maria. Maria. Oh, that was bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I haven't seen that movie in years. Such a fucking funny movie, dude. I think I have dementia because I smoke weed out of aluminum foil.

For how long? For like a good year. Really? I had a gravity bomb and i found out like one of my drug dealers was a water bottle yeah it was like a fruit punch you know like the gallon ones and then i had like a pot of water yeah yeah this is why i shouldn't live with myself because that's what i do when i live part jewish really i think the because it said middle eastern but i think it was mostly israeli yeah i think it was because it showed like

kind of like you know palestine area yeah on the map you're not just saying that for like right now no i'm dead serious yeah because and and then i heard that a lot of dominican uh not i'm sorry there was there was a jewish community in the dominican republic that migrated after uh the holocaust yeah yeah because you know the uh they were playing both sides they were taking nazis in and jewish people dude the whole lineage thing is like pretty big uh here in new york city man, before this. And everyone talked about it. But I got homies. Like, I got brothers, you know, like, black friends in Brooklyn right now.

Yeah. Who are all of a sudden just following, like, the Israel-Palestine conflict just to get, like, booked on comedy shows. Really? I don't know what side to take, man. Yeah. I'm just pro-Massad. That's all. I just be like, yo, I'm with the Massad. Yeah. Whatever. However you feel about that. I don't know what side to take, man. Yeah. I'm just pro-Massad. That's all. I just be like, yeah, I'm with the Massad.

Yeah. Whatever. However you feel about that. I don't care about Israel. I just care about their secret, what is it called? Their intelligence agency? Yeah. Because they do some badass shit.

They're like Nazi hunters, but then they also do some fucked up shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know where their morals lie. And I like that. I like that in person. They're willing to do anything to kind of, you know, kind of like get forward in the world. Yeah, it kind of seems like both sides are just trying to like spice shit up.

You know, like they get kind of bored sometimes. They're like, all right, let's fucking start some shit. It's like when you have siblings or your only child. yeah and you know when you're like bored and you next thing you know you just you and your brother starts fighting yeah it's the same shit yeah exactly same exact shit except you're like killing thousands of people yeah there's some babies dying yeah dude it's so funny seeing people like um get into the whole thing like i i think it's so funny seeing people, like, get into the whole thing. Like, I think it's weird when white people are pro-Palestine. Because they hate white people.

Yeah. What do you mean? Oh, Palestine, like, Arabs and stuff like that? They hate white people. Oh, so you're saying like Oh yeah yeah yeah for sure Like if they went to Palestine They'd get fucking crucified Oh they'd get murdered

If I go out there it would take a couple questions Before they realize I'm American But I can blend in You just pull your pants down Pull my dick out uncircumcised Like oh no dude Wear like a yeah wear like a fucking uh wear like a rolex a burka i'm a girl i'll be the first trans panacea

but it's black it's a burka with a cone that would be so awesome just convert but GBT show me a burqa With a clans hoodie on Cause you know they got the black Clans outfit Just put some palestinians in there Yeah just wear like a strap on on your forehead You're like yeah I'm just here to like clean the bathrooms

And shit For some reason you just have like a fucking Carpenter's belt on With all the tools over it Like what Tools from like Toys R Us RIP Toys R Us man You know imagine that's all they have out there

In Palestine Toys R Us Just living off fucking The toys it's just like they just have tops yeah that place went bankrupt right jack yeah that place was the shit man oh dude i've stole so much from from toys where i was growing up yeah i remember getting a snowboard from there once really did it break that seemed like it would snap anything from toys Toys R Us is going to fucking demolish. I was like overweight too, dude. It was just like two rubber straps you put your feet in, dude.

Oh, God. Yeah, I remember like eating shit on that. The Velcro straps? Yeah. Oh, dude. I was just trying to shred, dude. That's what you get. Dude, there was a fucking drum set I wanted from Toys R Us,

and it was the biggest piece of shit really yeah i think like the snare drum uh it was like saran wrap for the fucking drum like it was like already bent in i'm like yeah this would last like like a week yeah if you had a drum set though do you know how fucking sick that would be oh dude i used to make my own drum set at home. Really? Out of just like pots and pans and then my toy bucket. You can shred with that. You got like actual fucking drumsticks. Yeah, I had the drumsticks. I was in band from like 4th, 5th, and 6th grade.

Oh, for real? Yeah. I was in drums. Really? I played the trumpet, dude. Oh, that's gay. You're too big for the trumpet. You look like a drum guy. You look like the percussion, the bass. Yeah, there was actually a closeted homosexual who would play the drums. No joke, dude. He came out of the closet.

Did we go to the same school? Was that me? Yeah, this dude came out of the closet. I was so off beat. I had no rhythm, man. Because I realized I could keep the beat, but i have such a low attention span that like after like a minute and a half i get off beat and i throw the whole band off because of you know the drums who keeps the tempo it was so bad you could like you could barely hear the drum though

dude like it mattered but it's not like you could really hear it that much yeah i mean you're talking about the big one right like the mallet drum yeah so we had like our percussion because the school was kind of small and yonkers so it was it was like we had the percussion then we had uh somebody on the snare and then somebody like a monkey with two the two cymbals yeah so that was like the bottom of the percussion you guys go to like football games and shit and play no we didn't even have a team really yeah holy shit we had a uniform who are you playing for then for the school for the school and then and then we would play for the uh for the halloween parade yeah people were just screaming like yeah yeah basically i'm like we don't know that song next request retard

the band is like the shit though like being in a band if you're in like a good band yeah once I saw Drumline I'm like that's what I need to be in is it a porno? you never seen Drumline?

I've seen Step Up what's Step Up? it's like a dance movie. Wasn't that You Got Served? I think it was Channing Tatum. That you got served, right? Or Step Up is Channing Tatum? I think so.

I feel like they're the same movie. I'm pretty sure he's with like, it was with a woman that he ended up like, I don't know if they got married or something, but they were getting after it for a while pretty sexual movie dude he's like a retard he's like a retard and she like picks him up off the street she's like i'll show you the way they like join the dance contest and like basically like have sex in front of like 500 people to like uh low by flow rider oh you know i've seen that on the airplane it's got that that the skinny blonde bitch from uh from dexter yeah i think that's her you got uh step up i think you were watching like a porno i think

i was watching set it up with queen latifah wait were these black bitches robbing a bank? They're turning into a bank robbery? You're watching Bang Bus. Dude, Bang Bus needs to make a comeback. Yeah. They should show a guy who does Uber. They're not going at it anymore? They should do Uber Bang.

Really? I was thinking more like Ice Cream Truck. Show up to local parks and shit. This sounds very illegal well if they if they made it open to the public like if they had a microphone and they just started screaming like blowjobs and shit out of the speaker instead of his playing like the, you know how the ice cream truck is the song? It's basically. Oh, yeah. Chain hang low?

No, no, no. It was N-word one watermelon. N-word one watermelon. Oh, is that like the official? That's the official song? So it's literally called N-word watermelon. Yeah. That's the rhythm of the ice cream truck.

Oh, shit. called n-word watermelon yeah that's the rhythm of the ice cream truck did they have a rap uh remix to it uh yeah do your chain hang low well they had that when they had like the original uh chain hang low song but then they have like an edm remix and the chorus there's just like a huge bass drop if someone pulled up to like uh like a park playing that you would have to go uptown for that yeah what do they say it's like beast just like the hot like the best porn stars in the game like in like a purple ice cream truck they got whipped cream in their cleavage with a cherry the best porn stars in the game in a purple ice cream truck. They got whipped cream in their cleavage with a cherry. Pay $5 tip, let you lick it out. Yeah, just peeling out in Central Park.

Oh, bro, and then you could just rent the bitches out. Yeah, I mean, dude, I don't think they would get arrested. I think that would probably boost morale in the community, honestly, man. There would probably be cops waiting in line like there's no doubt like i've seen some of the cops here dude like i don't think they would be that hard to convince some of the cops out here are fucking hot really have you seen some of these new cops no i've seen a i think i've seen i think i've seen one hot cop but um i think that's really it man i've seen like a lot of fat dudes

dude i i thank god i changed my life because right now i would not be scared of cops and i was like i was not scared of cops as far as like if i had like a lot of drugs on me and shit like that but like maybe getting beat up because i got beat up by cops but these were men you know what i mean these are 90s cops, 2000 cops. This is, no, New York. A different time. Yeah, but then I see some of the cops now and I was like, if they started patting me down, I

would jizz my pants. Yeah. Even some of the guy ones. Where have you seen the hot cops though? You haven't seen no hot bitch cops? Where have you been seeing them? Online. Oh, online. Online. I think you meant in person.

No, but even NYPD, you'll see. Even in Suffolk, they got some girls that are kind of cute. Yeah. And I get more turned on knowing that I'm like, I could take your gun, pistol whip you, and make you my wife. Wow, dude. That's extreme confidence. Yeah. I'm like, you cannot take me to jail jail like you're gonna end up falling in love with me if you tangle with me

holy shit yeah you think you take it slow like maybe do a few like guillotines and shit maybe put an armbar and then handcuff her would you be saying anything during it or i love you yeah be my wife be my family you have this planned out oh yeah i've had fantasy about beating up a female cop but like not not in a vibe like we're both laughing while this is going on yeah like this is not illegal but like she started off trying to arrest me she realized she couldn't overpower me she then she fell in love okay but then she's still trying because she has a point to prove. That would be sick if it was two chicks.

Because they're usually together. Double headlock. A little gangbang action. They're like trying to tickle my nuts. They're trying to tickle me. I think it would be better if you just asked for help, though. Like if you said there's something in your ass. Like, ma'am, I jammed 20 grams

of coke in my ass. Yeah. You're like internally bleeding. I'm gonna need you to take out your baton and shove it in my ass. Yeah. And then you just rip ass. Right on the birthday cake. That would be tough, though, dating a cop, though, dude.

Yeah. You know. Would you ever date a cop? No. no i mean you get the people my whole like college life dude people would be like dude you should be a cop just because of like how serious i look but dude i would literally get arrested as a cop you know what i mean oh you think you'd be corrupt i would laugh like during rape victim crying so describe what he did to you it's not the time I just couldn't be serious dude

you know what I mean my thing was I think I'd steal what do you think you'd steal I'd go in the evidence locker and just have a blast. In front of the cameras? Yeah. I'd shut the cameras off. Yeah.

I'd go, like, that would be my job. I think, I don't want to be in the field. I want to be the guy who, like, checks in stuff at the evidence locker. I want to be that guy. I would just want to say shit over like the uh the intercom in the car yeah oh you mean like a dispatch just drive into the hood be like pull up your pants faggot you know i mean like shit like that check on your kids just like if i got bored just just play the penis game. In the most corrupt city.

Dude, that would be awesome. Just troll people as a cop. Just harass them, but never arrest them. That would be so fun, dude. You could do that for hours. Just pull somebody over. You know they have drugs, right? And then you fuck with them.

You act like you find the drugs. You just tear the car apart. You look at the drugs. Just put it back. I'm like, all right, you guys are good to go. But you just talk to them like shit the whole time. And in their mind, that's a confusing thing to do. Because in their mind, they're like, oh, they just found a kilo of coke.

And you put it back and let us go. What the fuck? Why did he do that? If somebody did that to me, if a cop found drugs, because at that point you know it's over. You'd be sweating, dude. I guarantee you

they'll be like, yo, that's not mine. That's not mine. I'll be like, what's not yours? What are you talking about? And they'll just walk away. Did you watch Cops growing up, the show? Nah, bro. People try to watch that in jail and I would fight for that. I'm like, we're not fucking watching this shit. I'm like, if you want to watch Criminal talking about and then just walk away did you watch cops growing up the show nah bro people try to watch that in jail and i would fight for that i'm like we're not fucking watching dude i'm like if you want to watch criminals fail just you should at least watch the best of cops no i watched it as a kid but i have to have certain needs i could not watch cops yeah but that's like a reason i

wouldn't be a cop oh no honestly i would be a cop if i could be followed around with a camera because then i do shit like that yeah so you want to be like the star of the show i'd be a corrupt cop on film yeah because there was uh there was one episode i saw where i laughed for like two hours straight dude this fucking this dude gets pulled over on the highway by a cop. So like the cops obviously parked behind the car and she's like arresting this dude. And out of nowhere, another car drives going like 70 miles an hour into the cop car, just completely totals it. And this dude gets out of the car and the cops like, what the fuck are you doing? Like my car is like stationary.

And he just goes, he's like like where the fuck did you come from he's like he's like i couldn't see you at all like just totaled the fucking cop car dude and then uh dude so the guy that she was arresting like gets let go because she has to arrest the guy who just hit the car yeah so she let off that. I don't think he was really getting arrested. Like, he was just getting in trouble for something stupid. Yeah, it was a good ticket. But yeah, dude, like, shit like that, it's, like, hard. I don't think I'd be able to keep a straight face if that happened.

Oh, dude, I've laughed in cops' faces before and got smacked while I was handcuffed. Really? Yeah. You were in the process of getting arrested? Well, I was in the back of the car with the detective. Oh, it was a detective? Yeah, they were trying to find these guys. They were homicide detectives.

And a gun went off in my apartment, and they were looking for the guns, but the guns disappeared. Nobody knew where they were at. And I'm in the back seat with him, and we're having a conversation. Like, it got normal, and I'm handcuffed, and my hands to the back of my head. We're in the back seat, he's sitting to the left of me.

He's interrogating me, and then I'm being a smartass. And then next thing I know, he just backhands me. And then my left eye was just gushing water out. And he's like, oh, you're not gonna tell me where the shit where the guns are and i was just like i was like hold on i can't i can't see right now hold on hold on hold on fucking fucking smacks of shit out of hold on smacks of shit out of me and uh as soon as i look up my friends drive by in the car and uh i realized they're the one they're the ones who fucking took the guns out of the house

so the guns literally drove drove by me oh shit why because they were like checking up on me because they knew i was arrested yeah and i'm just i start laughing while my fucking eyes bloodshot tearing up because i wanted to be like oh the guns are right there yeah that's one of the turns was just like one of the first times first time's what i got arrested or yeah no no no no this is that was probably like my 15th arrest by then yeah that this was yeah who has more arrests you or derrick i think derrick has more arrests but he was like stealing cars i mean he was doing a bunch of shit really yeah what were you doing my first charge was stealing the car the rest of it was drug charges oh so i was just stealing uh

the first one then drug possessions i fought a dude and uh and I got a misdemeanor assault charge. Yeah. But I was on misdemeanor probation, so I ended up going to jail for that. Then I got a coke possession. Then I got a drug possession, which was crack and coke. I got a bunch of weed possessions. Then I got a possession for having a stun gun. And then another one for fleeing.

So you were living, dude. Oh, dude, I had the best time of my life. Yeah. I was making so much money. And then I started doing comedy. And I just went to shit. Yeah. How do you, like, stay calm?

How do you stay, like, calm, dude? Weed. You get, like, PTSD, though like oh yeah really dude i get i got road rage sometimes i'll be ready to kill somebody when i'm on the road yeah like i'm the other day this guy kind of like cut in front of me but like the way he did it i don't know if he saw me or not just didn't give a fuck but he was pinning me me up against the wall to the point where I had to slam on my brakes and go around him. And then I had this drink from Wendy's. And I just pulled up next to him and just started screaming.

He was in this big Ford F-150 truck. Dude was twice my size. I'm just screaming at him like, you motherfucker, bro. And the side view mirror got pushed in. His car pushed my side view that's how close he was to pinning me against the wall oh shit and then i just go up and curse and i threw the drink at his thing like hoping he would like get out the car and fight me yeah it's weird man because like people are always like i can't imagine like um committing a crime and it's like

dude i could totally could totally see it man oh for you yeah just regular people like i can't imagine like losing my mind and like not like losing my mind but like losing my cool dude and like committing a crime and it's just like dude i could totally totally see it like i could totally understand it you know yeah i get impulsive sometimes and i scare myself i'm like fuck dude fuck, dude. I could have hurt somebody. I could have hurt myself. Yeah. And then I realized I was just like, I should have.

I feel like a pussy afterwards. I was like, I should have just swiped as far as right as I could. Did that cop maneuver where you spin him around just to fuck with his head because he got a Ford F-150 and I got a Toyota Prius. Oh a i got a toyota prius but you got a prius yeah that's pretty sick man honestly dude i drive like i drive like a fucking gangster in that shit it's fucking sick i drive it like

it's a f-150 but thinking about getting one to be honest oh dude do it pretty pricey though oh a new one yeah yeah i got mines is like from 1997 even if it's man, they're pretty pricey because they're still good on gas and shit. Yeah, dude. I think it takes like $13 to fill my tank. Yeah. And I could just fill it with piss sometimes and it runs on piss. Yeah. That's what someone told me, dude.

Then come. Because it's a gay car. Yeah, dude. You just fuck your car in the gas tank. But that is something I struggle with, dude. Because I've never been in a fight before. Because you're a big dude. I thought people would

try to test you for being a big guy. You know what I mean? No. I mean, I feel like I could have been in a few fights. Or being big was like a deterrent. Yeah, I used to be very guarded. The way I would... i kind of waddle

when i walk and stuff and people are like come like kind of intimidated but like i mean you know me i'm like retarded so it's like but most people don't so it's like but yeah man i just like i need to find like an outlet you know i feel like i got into fights more because people thought i was retarded really Really? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I get upset because I feel like I wish people fucked with me more. Like, the fact that people don't fuck with me kind of makes me question. That's the size difference.

They look at me and like, oh, I could beat this guy up. And most times they're right. Yeah, you're probably more dangerous than I am. I pull out a box cutter and I go, well. Yeah, you know shit, dude. Dude, I had a slap box at Skank Fest. Oh, really? Mike Harrington, yeah. A guy who's like 200,000 pounds heavier than me.

Slap box? Slap boxing. So you could just slap him as hard as you could? Well, I didn't think that. I thought we were just kind of, you know, going 50%. Yeah. And that's the reason I signed up. Because I you know, going 50%. Yeah. And that's the reason I signed up. Because I'm like, I got CTE.

I don't want to make it worse. I wouldn't do, like, actual fighting. And then when we're fighting, he's going every, he's throwing everything he has into it. Holy shit. And I asked him afterwards, I was like, did I do something to you? Did I ever disrespect you or your wife? We had pink winter mittens on holy shit mittens was he angry no i think i think there was a conspiracy to take my head off i think

louis j gomez wanted to get rid of me oh you think there's money on the line yeah i think i think he went to him uh before the fight it was like take his fucking head off. Yeah, like a Rocky film, dude. He said make it entertaining, but I took that as take Gio's head off. Yeah. He's like, he's annoying. Damn, dude. Did you win? No. No.

No. They were like counting the hits? No, they were counting like how hard he was trying to hit me. I hit him more, but he hit me harder. That's kind of gay, dude. Dude, I said that. I want to re-watch the fight. I'm waiting for it to drop on YouTube,

and then I'm just going to give a breakdown of the fight. Yeah, just put a number, like every hit. Yeah, and then how many times I said the N-word, so it's just like hits, miss, N-word. Like the scoring card and shit, like you get extra points. Yeah. All right, dude, I got a dip i think oh shit i have a hair appointment with this uh venezuelan woman oh dope bro yeah it's fucking sick dude she

doesn't even speak english wait so what do you mean a hair appointment you're getting a haircut haircut yeah you trust a woman with it with your hair, dude. I've been going to Supercuts my whole life, man. Dude, you're more gangster than me. I mean, I'm not going to like a Dominican barbershop, dude. No, that's a safe place to go. Not for me, dude. No. They would cut my shit short, dude.

They'd fade your shit up right. They'd make you look like a respectable man. Yeah, they'd put like the lines in my hair and shit, dude. Oh, the design? Yeah, dude. It's like, I didn't ask for a respectable man. Yeah, they put like the lines in my hair and shit, dude. The design. Yeah, dude. It's just like, I didn't ask for a jump man on my back. It's like, why is there a cock on my fucking sideburns, dude? Dude, you should definitely do that.

Get like a skin fade, but then get a cock etched into the back of your head. A skin fade would be sick in general, dude, but the cock would put it together. Oh, dude, yeah. Yeah. It's just nice. And then you have kind of like, but the thing is, it's a skin fade in the dark and the cock is very dark. Yeah.

So it's just bald everywhere. And then it's just like a hairy cock on the back. But you don't do it in the back because that's corny. You got to do it kind of like in the side right here. I think I would do two cocks. Oh, on each side? Yeah. Like fucking horns?

Yeah. Like, what's his name like a like a roman god or something when they have like those leaves but it's just two cocks yeah just fucking julius caesar max out on cav raises at the gym dude all right dude yo thank you for coming bro had a blast is there plugs do i plug anything yeah man if you want to plug uh podcast, anything you have coming up. October 4th. When does this come out? Probably tomorrow. Tomorrow.

If you're in New York City, October 14th, Monday, Midtown Grizzly Pair opening for Mark Norman. Come check that shit out to all my all-TZ PZs out there. And listen to a podcast on Gas Digital, On The Gate with Derek Drescher. It's a great podcast. If you use promo code OTG, you get 50% off or 75. You get a discount on a subscription

and you got amazing podcasts like Legion of Skanks, Madhouse, and all that good shit. And follow me on Instagram, Jill Perez, 86. Hell yeah, dude. Thank you for coming, man. Thank you for having me, dude.