The Johnny Salami Podcast - Grant Moore Returns

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

Grant Moore Returns by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I'm falling bait each night I lie. And I think of you and cry. And I tell you one of all.

Bring back my love. Well, it's good to have you back, man. It's so good to be back. We just went through a lot emotionally, dude. It's a great start. Yeah. Grant just spilled water everywhere, but it's fine dude you know it is fine but i'm still in like boy rage mode so yeah i'm trying oh you're actually mad i just shit like that like i just it pisses me the fuck off it really does like

anytime i stub my toe or like drop oh yeah i just like get irrationally mad. Yeah. I have like this thing in my refrigerator where you can push a cup in and leave it while it fills. And because I have the brain of an 85-year-old woman, I forget all the time. And so I'll put it in, I'll forget, and then I'll just hear a waterfall inside of my house. And like Xbox level slurs just being screamed while I clean that up. Yeah, I'm the same way, man.

Like if I stub my toe, dude, I'll just think about causing a genocide. Oh, absolutely. Like, dude, I will like, you know. Yeah, horrific things. I do that a lot, though, where I'll like drop stuff and like get stuff everywhere, man. Uh-huh. And, uh,

I would say it's a red flag for sure as a man. Yeah, dude, I did it. I've done it in front of a couple of girls and they've been like, what the fuck? Cause you just keep doing it over and over again. Oh yeah.

I never really like learn from my mistakes. Yeah. It's not a sign of good seed when you repeatedly flood your apartments with filtered water from your refrigerator. Yeah. Yeah. It's something I got of good seed when you repeatedly flood your apartment with filtered water from your refrigerator. Yeah. Yeah. That's something I got to work on, honestly. Yeah.

Do you ever try to be like nice to yourself afterwards? Well, dude, so I used to work for, I used to be a pizza delivery driver in college. Yeah, you did did didn't you and dude i worked for this pizza place and sometimes we would get really large orders from corporations because they would be throwing like a party or something yeah dude so this corporation ordered like 500 wings okay so it's taking the cooks like half a day to cook these wings and they were finally like all right john ready to go man yeah so i'm carrying like so many wings man fuck this up so hard i opened the door open the door to like get to my car and i they start you know wobbling around and i'm like dude so they finally drop and they get everywhere and immediately dude my first thought is like i gotta

save these wings i knew you were gonna do like the office chili scene with the wings dude so i get on my hands and knees and i'm like just taking these wings from the ground i like the idea of CEOs taking like pieces of gravel out of there. I was like throwing them back in and dude, my boss saw the whole thing. He was watching me the whole time and I had no idea. And he was just like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Like he wasn't mad that I dropped the wings. He was mad that I was shoving the dirty wings back into the thing.

Can you imagine that, dude? The CEO's like, yeah, I got you guys a bunch of wings and stuff. You know, hop in. People have like grass in their teeth. The bad and the fucking kickoff. Because, I mean, at least your boss was the one seeing you and not the ceo yeah but the thing is uh dude so i'm like throw he's just like listen man like just clean up and we'll figure it out or whatever so i go back inside and uh well he went back inside he tells the cooks he's like

hey john just dropped the wings and this dude who just spent like six hours cooking the wings dude he just starts screaming at the top of his lungs and i remember i had to go back in and i'm like washing dishes and this cook is literally like throwing combinations at the fridge door which is just metal like making contact yeah like right next to me oh dude that fridge is you dude he wasn't saying anything like no words yeah you know you ruined so many days dude you know what's crazy man is he had to cook those again yeah and i got like a 200 tip tip and he got below minimum wage to send back to his family i wanted to be like hey man like you want some of this money but he was just he was so mad man i thought he was gonna murder me he was yeah yeah you may uh but i do feel like you should have given him some just like hey take this

and then backed up keeping your eyes on him but yeah that's I just knew every part of that story before you told it to me I knew every single thing you were going to say yeah and it still sucked yeah and I'm still like struggling with that dude like I drop

shit all the time just like get it everywhere man like it's I feel like as a man that's something you gotta work on like if you want to be with a woman the dropping or the reaction to the drop i think both yeah i would say the reaction to the dropping is almost more important because if i mean i'm like three years out from punching myself in my own forehead from like dropping shit like that. Yeah. So. Just the sight of a dude dropping like hundreds of wings, like buffalo wings, like sauces everywhere. One of the slipperiest items.

I mean, if you're like at the Dunkin' Donuts next door, though, and you see that, like do your day is immediately going to be made. Yeah. I think anything to rip you away from the fact that you're working on a dunking donuts is probably a good bonus yeah i mean you get to see someone else suffering yeah i mean it's kind of like listen man like i'm probably never going to get laid but at least i made someone's day you know what i mean you didn't get pussy from that from dropping a thousand wings on the ground imagine that dude one of the waitresses is like, yo, I saw that.

Yeah. You know. You didn't just break the wings, you. You broke my heart. I don't even know what that means. Yeah. I don't know what you just said. Sorry.

Should have chromosome slipped. It's okay. I have an extra one. Yeah, dude. Yeah, if you ripped ass, that would have made more sense. Oh, I'm kind of constantly streaming out uh farts with the sheer amount of zen and oh

if you would have spilled on the tube we would have desecrated too on the interface yeah dude if i fucking broke like thousands of dollars of equipment, I would fucking lose it, man. I think I would leave through the window. Oh, dude, I would just take like the cameras by the fucking tripod bottoms. Just start swinging them at my neighbor's car like a baseball bat. The Beamer? Probably, dude. Yeah.

I mean, this is my life, dude. Like if I lose this. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Dude, we had a woman in Cumberland where I'm from Rhode Island she owned uh an antique shop and it was all outdoors bro so like her entire life was outside and all I would think about like when I was getting stoned and stuff is like if somebody you could just drive through yeah her life so many of your fantasies are just

automobile related well i mean like it is funny to drive through stuff but if you think about it that you can't replace that like insurance isn't going to be like yeah you know and that you would have driven an old woman to suicide yeah that would have been emotional. Yeah. To say the least, it would have been emotional. Why is she doing an outdoor, not to victim blame in this situation, but. It was like, I think she lived in the house and then she had like a nice ranch style deck. So there was things on the deck, but most of it was just in the front yard. And I think she thought people were going to drive by and be like oh that's a cool uh tennis racket from the year one you're right yeah made out of mammoth bone yeah yeah it's just pubes from pubes from a mountain lion pubes tap out right

i don't know what that means like oh you don't i always forget you're not a learned doctor such as myself. Yeah, I have my PhD in pubes. Well, it was my minor. It was pubes. My major was butthole hairs. I've heard that you have a max on the length of your hair. There's a genetic thing. You can't grow hair past a certain point.

Where'd you hear this uh just some lady yeah kind of but i'm lady at a walgreens yeah i mean i think it was on a date but like that's how i pick up information oh you're talking about pubes on a date no not pubes we're just talking about hair hair oh you said pubes but that's hair is it i thought pubes would be like... What do you think it is? Made out of like toenail stuff? Well, is your head hair considered pubes? I always thought pubes was just like... I believe the umbrella term is hair and the bucket is pubes.

I mean, for you and I, well, I mean, you have a nice beard, dude. Thank you. Yeah. But for me, I feel like everything's just kind of pubes. Your top hair is somewhat pubed. Yeah. Yeah. But for me, I feel like everything just kind of pubes. Your top hair is somewhat puby. Yeah. I got like black people hair, to be honest. No, you don't.

Really? No, you don't. Well, when I get the sides cut short, you can kind of see it looks like black people hair. It's that dense and curly? I'm not hating on my homies. I'm just saying. Yeah, but like i i used to live with two black guys right and we shared a shower and every time they got out of the shower

it looked like someone dropped a bucket of springs in the shower wow because they're so like tight and curly oh wow yeah yeah so maybe i'm not on that level no yeah that's why i say that yeah i mean so like what are we talking about your whole body can only grow like a certain extent well your chest hair definitely taps out right i mean mine's still going yeah i haven't shaved my chest in so long man right but it's not you don't have like braidable chest hair i mean it's getting there dude i can get some cornrows on my chest i could definitely do some like uh some riffraff stuff with my nipple hair for sure yeah yeah some like lime green it's always hard to like shave around your nipple dude i don't shave my chest yeah but like if have you ever

shaved it one time and it just looked weird yeah i can see that Yeah, because you have like a full beard, dude Yeah You look like an equestrian, dude This is all, this is an act This is, this makes me look so much tougher than I actually am I mean, dude, a lot of dudes would kill for that beard, man I'm pretty happy about it Yeah To be honest with you Whenever I shave it, women look at me like a monster

Because I look like a worm Because I don't have a chin, but I'm skinny I mean, you look like you're the star of like a just for men's commercial dude please give me that sponsorship that would be sick that'd be fucking amazing yeah i'm sorry that would be sick man yeah when you get older and you get gray hair you might be able to i'm already getting grays yeah yeah i'm 27 how old are you 27 you know no grays i had one gray hair like i think i got freaked out when you saw it i think i was kind of proud of myself man really because it just means i've been grinding yeah yeah as long as it's just one yeah then it's like all right i i found like a three inch long

pure like gandalf level white chest hair coming right out of my thing whoa and i thought it was like attached to my heart you thought it was a sign from the gods yeah like i'm a sign that i'm dying that's pretty sick man freaks me out we're talking about pubes though yeah i'm just saying like i'm just gonna say oh yeah so i've always shaved mine down to a uh you know like like a two one when i get to the when i go to the barbershop and I get my fade. But how long can they get? That's what I'm saying is how far can I push my pubes? I mean, I think that's the question that everyone's asking themselves, man.

That's why I came here today for this meeting. I think, dude, I think honestly, man, if you spend years on years. Just sitting and pushing. Just fucking focusing on the growth. I think you could really like, I don't think there's a limit. dude i think honestly man if you spend years on years just sitting and pushing just fucking focusing on the growth i think you could really like i don't think there's a limit even like do you remember when i was like you believe in me yeah it's all about like believing in yourself man yeah i remember when i was in like fifth grade we would read the guinness book and there was like a woman in there and she grew her nails out to be like

20 inches. Yeah. The stinkiest thing. So she just spent her fucking whole life. Yeah. Just growing nails, bro. Yeah. Imagine seeing that woman in real life at like a fucking diner. Yeah.

Or a fucking handjob parlor. Yeah. Imagine those. Oh my God. Those talons. Yeah. Because you don't even see them when you're about to get jade out um yes in my personal experience uh they just kind of pop in and start jerking

yeah that'd be sick man if like because when you're about to start you're like face down and they come in and you're just kind of like, I have no idea who's touching me right now. Yeah. I always wonder if it's a man sometimes. I said yeah, but I see the person before every single time. Oh, really? Yeah.

The place I used to go to, they would always mix it up. Oh, really? Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes, no. I don't want to surprise masseuse. Especially if it's a man, dude. Yo, you know what's fucking sick, dude? I've never had that done.

I found out in New York City there's like Russian bathhouses. Yes. Bro. They're cool. We need to go to one of those. You want to get slapped up by a bunch of shrubbery?

I mean... When they're just like... I wouldn't mind that. I bet it feels good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know what the actual like release but to have some big borscht woman like slapping up my hiney with some bushes sounds

yeah just like whispering stuff in my ear that i can't understand yeah like talking about the invasion of ukraine while she slaps me up yeah she's just telling me a poem about fucking snails yeah a classic i have no idea what she's talking about. That would be sick, man. Well, dude, it's not even just that. They have the cold plunges and the saunas. Oh, yeah. I've been there.

I have a friend that works there. Oh, really? And it's awesome. Oh, dude. Do you do the cold tub? Well, I haven't been yet. I just found out a few days ago that they even exist. Yeah, but have you done one before?

Like, are, like, cold showers and stuff? No, I've taken an ice bath. Yeah. Raising your tea? At my mom's house. Oh. I just went to Stop and Shop and bought, like, 400 pounds of ice. I was wondering how deep we'd get in before you mentioned Stop and Shop.

Oh, yeah. It's kind of like, that's your sponsorship. Stop and Shop? Yeah. Well, I think Walmart would be at the top of the list. Well, I mean, I just go there every... But last time I was here, you talked about, once again, driving a vehicle into a stop and shop. Yes. Yeah.

So I figured it was kind of a theme in your life. No, stop and shop fucking sucks, man. Why? I don't know. I mean, my mom works at Market Basket. Oh, so there's rivalry. So I have to stay loyal to the game. This is your Israel-Palestine. It's shop and stop versus Market Basket. Oh, so there's rivalry. I have to stay loyal to the game. This is your Israel-Palestine.

It's Shop and Stop versus Market Basket. Yeah. Also, I think Market Basket's way better than Stop and Shop. I have no idea what either of these places are. Oh, really? Yeah. In the Midwest, we have Quick Trips, and they rock. Oh, yeah.

I can imagine the Midwest must be pretty sick. Yeah, because they have a great selection. You know what lamp food is? No. yeah because like you they have like a great select you know what lamp food is no it's like the food under the hot lamps that they just like making a microwave you keep hot all day fantastic selection oh so they have like pre-made stuff that you can have yeah yeah so you go in you get your dip you get your fucking hot dogs that have been turning on the same wheel since like the beginning of time and uh you just shit your pants all the way home yeah it's pretty cheap too fuck man that is pretty sick bodegas are just gas stations without gas i have been worried about the food quality around here why around here

specifically um well dude there is like a food shortage going on like nationally so there's a food shortage you didn't know that i don't read i mean i don't even know how to read okay then how did you know somebody told me dude okay who's your source tucker carlson dude i'm just kidding t cock just fucking around. No, but like even if you go, like even when I go shot, like there's shit missing. Like there's a limited supply of shit. Yeah. I mean, at Walgreens, it's like, it looks like a barren wasteland sometimes.

Walgreens? CVS? Duane Re? Cut that, please. Walgreens is more of like a pharmacy right yeah but like shit is always missing but i think that's because people are stealing yeah yeah yeah around here but yeah there's a guy with a gun guarding it can you imagine getting shot because you stole like tampons i mean that would be a bad way to go out as a man. Yes, it would, Johnny. It's such a bad way to go out.

You know what would be sick, dude, is if you fucking stole some tampons for your wife and then you're on the way out and you get shot, but you use the tampons as a shield. Plug as a shield. Yeah. So you're like a little inflicted, but the tampons saved your fucking life. Yeah. Like how Teddy Roosevelt got shot and then like the Bible in his chest stopped it or something like that. Except you're more of a legend.

Yeah. Because like this story is going to fucking live on forever. Plus that's a great testament to the absorbency of the tampons. Yeah. You could ask that tampon company to sponsor you. A criminal who stole. Yeah. Yeah. But like under the table table like they publicize the news

story but you're not like the head of it yeah they're like listen we're gonna look at you in a negative way on the commercial but we're gonna throw you some money under the table who gives a fuck yeah it's it's it's all that matters is that my sweet baby has her tampons and i have a little bit of extra cash yeah that's what you say in the 60 for 60 whatever it's called yeah 60 minutes 60 for 60 i don't think they're doing 30 for 30s on on fucking maxi pad thieves but they should they should yeah get way more views yeah than fucking israel palestine dude no i think that one's gonna reign supreme for a good long time i stole a bunch of my sister's going to reign supreme for a good long time.

I stole a bunch of my sister's tampons when I was a kid because I thought they were like fireworks because they have the string. Oh, wow. And they look like little dynamite sticks. Did you light one? Yeah. What happened? It kind of petered out. But if you throw it in a toilet, it's still going to fuck it up. Oh, wow.

Because they expand to the size of like, they're like snakes. They expand to the size of like they're like snakes they grow the size of their environment imagine if you fucking lit one dude and like your neighbor's house blew up i'm molotov my neighbor's house with the you just grow like a third ear and come out of the closet yeah that could happen too i guess in this in this universe that'd be a sick movie imagine if that was the first scene i can't wait for ai for like you to be able to type something in to a thing and then it makes a full-length feature film you're gonna be like the steven spielberg of movies where people go what yeah i've always wanted to make a movie like that man yeah yeah there's nothing funnier than just

getting like denied over like an idea i'm sorry if it was denial i i was i was saying it's good when you when you we can actually make it it's gonna be great yeah yeah i'll fucking have you produce it dude hey i've got i've got i got shot stealing tampon money so i mean dude if that was the first scene of a movie is always important, man. You need the hook. Yeah. Yeah. So the hook is me lighting the tampon and throwing it through my sweet neighbor's window?

Or is the hook me getting shot with a tampon bullet? Dude, I put two tampons in my nose once to make a Snapchat video. Fucking crushed, right? I bet. Yeah. I bet you got many videos of of people it was like me with a double chin okay i was like uh oh what did i say i was like hey what's up julie it was like me like trying to hit on a chick but i had tampons in my nose your riz and i had a fucking double chin. Uh-huh.

And I was like, hey, what's up, Julie? I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out after my shift at AutoZone. Yeah. Except I was saying it in like a funnier voice. Right. Because I was funnier back then, but. No. Yeah.

And she was like, yes, please impregnate me. Yeah. Well, I put it on my Snapchat. It got like 200 views, dude. Oh. Yeah. I don't know if I ever passed 100 on my snapchat dude that's how i got my start man with snapchat really 100 yeah there's people who like that's

their job yeah i mean dude i used to put up videos of me with my potato launcher you had a potato launcher it's self-made bro like a bunch of pvc pipes stacked on like how did you yeah i just went to home depot uh you just buy a bunch of pvc you? Like, how did you do it? Yeah, I just went to Home Depot. You just buy a bunch of PVC. You build, like, the chamber. You just buy, like, glued all together. Yeah. You build the chamber. You get, like, hairspray.

You spray the chamber, close the cap, and then you stick a grill lighter in there and fucking... Dude, it's insane. Yeah. It would, like, kill someone if it hit them. See, that's a way to go. Yeah yeah kill an old man with a potato gun i mean if there's ever an apocalypse yeah it's just pvc left and potatoes yeah i'm going in dude there's gonna be crowds of people with ar-15s bowing at your knees yeah with your potato gun yeah dude it's so much fun to launch those things very scary though because you're

scared like the chamber might blow up 100 it's going to blow up yeah it's like literally uh fucking what type of combustion chemical yeah combustion i don't even know how to read i mean there's chemicals in there yeah so yeah but it's also like you made it that's the part that like anytime i would make shit like that as a kid that that would always be my thing is, wait, I made this. Yeah. Off of the internet. Crazy, man. I don't know how illegal this is to admit, but I did it a long time ago,

but I made a silencer out of Gatorade bottles for a.22 rifle. What? Just firing it off in my residential neighborhood. How did you make it? Well, I can't really say how I made it, but it's pretty easy. Damn. Yeah.

You made it for yourself, though. Yeah. I mean, you can't use it a lot because it's made out of fucking Gatorade bottles, but it's basically, you take a couple household materials and you have a pretty quiet. Yeah.

Yeah. I remember we used to make uh bombs yeah out of um they used to sell this uh toilet bowl cleaner at the dollar store oh i remember this yeah this is a youtube craze yeah and uh yeah you just fill uh you would fill like a two liter coke bottle with uh that like uh mentos and coke fucking shake it you throw it up in the air and when it hits the ground it just fucking blows up yeah and they stopped

selling that toilet bowl cleaner because of that reason yeah but I feel like that is still in a bunch of other shit it's just that the actual brand is what got attacked that like probably ruined a company. For sure, yeah.

They probably closed their doors because of children. Children making bombs. Yeah. Yeah. I miss being a hillbilly a lot. Yeah, well, I was thinking about this. I have a problem where when I go home to visit, I always think like, oh, I could just stay here.

It is comfortable. It's very comfortable. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. On the first time you're like, your mom makes you a meal again. Yeah. I just go right back into like, maybe I get an Xbox and I just hang out and I just fucking crush lentil soup.

My mom only makes soup so it's soup fucks man soup is underrated it it gets old after a while well if you put different stuff in it man yeah if you make different soups but there's no there's no like the density to it yeah unless you're getting like chili chili fucks man chili does fuck yeah but it also fucks me up that'll make you shit for sure man yeah i don't need help with that yeah but like when i go home i'm just like playing xbox i can like take my dog into an open field and just run around with him yeah and feel like a kid again and i'm just like dude should i just stay here and do this every day it is it is nice

yeah like i whenever i go back home i run around my mom's neighborhood nice neighborhood yeah but it's like a middle class like it's pleasant there's trees and shit when i breathe i'm not just like oh hobo piss yeah it's queef well in my mom's neighborhood yeah that's all you're smelling, dude. That's all I'm smelling, dude. That's the dream, man, to just be in like a nice estate. Knee deep and queef. Knee deep and clam chowder, dude. Yeah, hopefully not my mom's if I'm being perfectly honest.

I mean, even then, it's not that bad. No, I don't like it, actually. I just wanted to see what you'd say Well, you got the classic Grant You got the dad noises, dude Segways Well, it's going to be sunny tomorrow It's going to be sunny tomorrow

If you're going to be knee deep in queef, wear a jacket Wear a sweater Yeah, queefs are under it Dude, if you really want to turn a girl off Just talk about queefs Yeah, queefs are underrated Dude, if you really want to turn a girl off Just talk about queefs Yeah, I think I bet you have quite a list of If you really want to turn a girl off

Yeah, if you really want to turn a girl off Just be yourself That'll Queefs are tough because They sound more like farts Than farts And, dude What type of women are you sleeping with? because they sound more like farts than farts. Really?

Dude. What type of women are you sleeping with? Big old gas cows. Just animals from the farm? No, it's because it's like flappier and looser. Yeah, I think it's just trapped air. What is a fart? A fart just comes from your intestines.

Well, it's trapped air, but it's been created via dirty, stinky chemical poo reactions.'s all natural but so the queef is just it's more of a mechanical uh pushing in of air and then escaping yeah a queef is kind of like you're letting in negative energy and your vagina it's just like get out of here yeah it's your vagina like wim hof breathing and then you release it i bet it feels good yeah you can't control it though which that might make it more emotional for a woman because like when you can't control something it's like as a woman dude it It's the lack of control and not the fact that I'm giggling like a 12-year-old boy. It's the fact that they can't control it. Yeah.

But I feel like as I've gotten older, my ability to control my farts has also been lessened. Yeah. I mean, I'm 27, dude, and half the time I fart, I have no idea what's going to come out. I was thinking about like, you know how you have like a wet fart like you push one out and you're like oh no like you shart yeah um i was thinking about doing that with burping in the next part of my life where uh i i burp and then just throw up all over the place wow for me man it's just like wow yeah that just blew my fucking mind yeah that's a whole another chapter of your life dude you've been thinking about this you told me to bring ideas yeah i can't even wrap my head around that one it takes time people didn't just wrap their head

around metaphysics when it came well you remember when you would i mean you're 27 right we're both the same age there was a point in my life where I was like I'm not going to fart right now because I might shit my pants Yeah And sometimes you fart a little bit and you're like whoa Because like You reach Nowadays I'm just like whatever happens happens man

You're too 27 is a little too young for that I just shit my pants at like a coffee shop Yeah you're like, whatever. Yeah. I don't give a shit. They have like an ambulance pick me up. Yeah.

You pay $10,000 because you shit your pants. Yeah. I'm like on the phone with the insurance company. I'm like, do you guys cover shitting your pants? Yeah. They're arguing too. Yeah. They're fighting hard to say no.

But then you show them that policy. You say, this is why I got that plan. Yeah. I mean, that wouldn't be a bad way to go. Just like they send you to the loony bin for a little bit. Because of your frequent diarrhea in your pants? I mean, if you shit your pants at a coffee shop around other people and just stayed there in silence,

I think someone would eventually call the cops. You think that's a police matter i think so yeah hey where i'm from what am i paying taxes for if i can't call the police on someone who shit them pants in the starbucks yeah but i mean imagine the story behind that you're hanging out with the boys the loony bin they're like what are you here for yeah and one's like uh i killed my dog yeah yeah and the other one's like oh i pooped in a starbucks that's like uh what is that that book with or that movie with uh jack nicholson one flew over the cuckoo's nest i've seen the porno i haven't seen the uh i mean how would you what is the porno name? If you I mean dude if you had the option

Especially like nowadays I think about this a lot like I kinda just wanna like go away for a little bit man You know Like um take a break from Your normal life Yeah I just feel like I'm going through it right now And I just wanna like go somewhere

With like no phone just somewhere man just chill out for a few weeks and then come back just you and a 50 pack of haines for you to fill up with charts yeah you should do you camp no i also wouldn't want to camp alone it can be spooky you wake up in the middle of the night with like karate well just the thought of me being in like a trailer park by myself it's not camping it's being poor well i mean like a trailer like if i took a trailer out yeah to the the site that's just by myself. And like a yellow shirt from Michael's Crafts. Right.

You just see me alone. Do they sell shirts or would you have made this shirt? Michael's Crafts does sell shirts, yeah. Really? Just plain colored shirts. Oh, so people can tie dye and stuff. Yeah. Ah.

They're actually not that bad. I bet. I got an orange one once and I kept it for a while yeah i actually played a flag football game in one oh i bet you crushed dude i was obj and people didn't that i bet you're obj and people off and you're grabbing fucking flags yeah no flags there was no flags in the play no flags it no i meant like i was blowing dudes but i didn't get a flag for blowing dudes oh right because flag football very pro that's legal man like you can do that that's good No, I meant like I was blowing dudes, but I didn't get a flag for blowing dudes. Oh, right. Because flag football, very pro.

That's legal, man. You can do that. That's good. I'm glad that society has... Dude. You got to cut all this. Yeah, I just imagined you at a park playing flag football. They start...

Trying to get everybody together first play you're playing cornerback and you start blowing a dude yeah i do like the dive but instead of catching a ball you're diving at dude's dicks the play hasn't even started yet it's a strategy some people my guatemalan friend uh who grew up with, he lived two houses down. He tried playing football and they put him on the offensive line. And first play ever, he tackled like a defensive player. Isn't that the point? No, dude.

Wait, was it flag football? He's on offense. was blocking he tackled someone on defense like first play ever i thought that was so funny i to full disclosure i don't know if you picked up by my reaction i don't know a lot about football yeah that's the funniest part about football is like when you're younger and you're like everyone's figuring out how to play you You got dudes like pulling their pants down. I think you might have played for a particular league. I'm just talking about my experience. Yeah.

You might have been wearing two helmets on and off the field. Yeah, I was wearing three helmets, dude. If you include my cock. Well, how did I not consider the third helmet i think that's a funny name for dick i played football for one year and uh they made me i weighed 14 pounds and they made me right guard and uh there was a guy who was 200 pounds in middle school and he he was defensive guard or a nose. I don't know what the fucking words are.

He was out there. Dude, he was a killer. Really? He broke our star quarterback's finger while we were warming up for a game. Wow. He just tore through and then just smashed his hand down. Was the quarterback finger in his ass? He had his finger in his ass.

It was a trick play. And he just got clobbered with his fucking finger that would be a sick trick play dude but he used to every single play he would grab the back of my helmet and slam my head into the ground wow so eventually uh i would just start falling into the ground so that he didn't have to do it is that why you only played for a year that is 100% why i only played for one year that would dude oh that'd be so funny dude yeah like you call a motion as a quarterback someone just comes behind you and starts finger banging you yeah that would throw the defense off for sure oh my god dude when I was in high school we played um this is actually kind of crazy. We played a rival school and, you know, Randy Moss is right.

Vikings? I mean, originally, yeah. He played for the Patriots. Look at this fucking guy. Yeah. 30 for 30 right here. He played for the Patriots too. Oh, okay.

Hall of Fame wide receiver. His son played for the school we were playing against. Okay. Like down the road and this dude hit me so fucking hard dude like i don't know if it's legal anymore um we they used to do blind side blocks someone would come at you like come at you from fucking you can't see dude yeah right so i'm playing composition i have a certain area to cover this dude just came full speed this is like a 225 pound he was like 6'3 at the time he played for lsu oh it was nasty how old what this was in high school oh okay he ended up playing for lsu i think

he he's on the bangles now or something i don't know if he plays but he's an nfl you got like professionally fucked up yeah because throughout my high school career i never actually got hit to the point where i was like whoa but this was the one time where i was like holy shit dude yeah have you been knocked out i blacked out for a few seconds my helmet came off like mr bean level it sucks but it's funny yeah like he just full speed sprints at me i'm playing My helmet came off. It's like Mr. Bean level. It sucks, but it's funny. Yeah. Like he just full speed sprints at me. I'm playing defensive end.

I don't know if you know where that is. Yeah, it's on the field. Just fucking. Just starts going in motion. Full speed hits me. My helmet flew off. I blacked out for a little bit. And then I stood up and I was like, fuck, dude.

Yeah. That's all you can do is just be like, fuck. Fuck, dude. But it made me mad because I was like, I couldn't see him. You know what I mean? So it's like. Yeah, I felt unfair. If someone hits you and you know it, like they're hitting you, it's one thing. But it's like, fuck, he can do that again and I'll have no fucking idea, dude.

Yeah. He's like a ninja. Yeah. It's coming out of the fucking darkness, dude. Fuck. Fuck, dude. it's coming out of the fucking darkness dude fuck fuck dude I played rugby in high school high school? yeah

I got knocked out pretty hard one time because I went to scoop a ball that popped out of a not really a scrum homosexual it came out of a he laid it Some dude laid an egg for you

And I went to scoop it And I had my head down I don't know why that's funny And someone's kneecap Went into like My head The base of my skull

And I blacked out And I woke up And was just Inst instantly crying so people just watched me drop be on the ground and then i woke up like you got hit in the back of the head yeah i totally totally got fucked up and then i threw up all over the place and i was just like it's like i had dementia like i was confused for like probably yeah seven or eight hours that's scary that it's

the back of the head yeah i think that's why it's illegal to hit someone in the back ahead in the head boxing and stuff yeah there's some part of your brain behind them you earned it yeah if you can get behind a man yeah yeah you should be able to hit him in the back of the head dude yeah that's scary amongst other things yeah that's so scary dude yeah no it wasn't fun and i've had it happen a couple times and uh it's it's definitely affected me overall because i can't remember anything and uh the feeling is very insecure of like waking up and being like where am i yeah it's funny stuff because you don't know how that's going to affect you in the long term yeah i saw this chart of like um age groups and the effect

that a concussion has uh in in terms of its link to like dementia and stuff and after 25 like any type of head injury is pretty damning yeah Yeah. I felt bad. I remember, I remember the first time I ever pitched in a baseball game, I had never pitched before. And at this point in my life, I had, uh, I had breasts and glasses and I was a very like confused kid. Like I was very unhealthy. Yeah. I'm sorry to laugh. So like, they were like,, John, you're pitching today, you know, like, good luck or whatever.

Uh-huh. And no one was really aware of my skill set. Oh, but you had some. Dude, I was throwing heat. Ask anyone I played Little League with, dude, ask them, bro. I was throwing heaters, bro. Okay. But my windup was so slow,

and then the ball would just fly out of my hands. Ah. But anyway, so I'm pitching, and one of the first pitches, the catcher didn't react to the ball. So, dude, I threw it as hard as I could. The catcher didn't even move, and it hit the ump in the head. Dude. the catcher didn't even move and it hit the ump in the head dude he's like an adult his mask flies off and he just drops like a limp dick to the ground he knocked him out completely knocked him out so everyone's panicking they're like holy shit holy shit everyone's like back up they're not hoisting you up like rudy i mean dude i don't think they could pick me up oh the breasts yeah they're like we want to pick you up but like with

your weight and everything yeah right you don't want to hurt anyone else they said that they're like hey because someone was already on the ground unconscious they're like we can't hurt anyone else we can't have anybody crushed like a bowser cube and fell on them dude so he's completely unconscious for like three minutes and uh dude he gets up and he just goes where am i yeah and everyone was like yeah everybody's like yo titties is throwing heat dude yeah that's pretty impressive it was wild i just thought like dude i wonder how that affected the rest of that guy's life um he finished the game which is insane as an umpire he was fucking up calls and shit touchdown yeah like joe biden was umping the game that's damn that's crazy did you feel a little bit

like well good after that oh dude i was i was hard as a rock yeah i bet i was like yo catcher can't even fucking see the ball, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, at that age, you're like, yo, dude, am I going pro? Yeah, that's a killer move. After I pitched that game, they pitched me like almost in every game. Like, this kid's got an arm on him. Hell yeah.

That was like how I started pitching. Oh, okay. Yeah. You ever get back out there? I want to, man. I want to do... I definitely want to do more things that I used to do that were gay. Well, you know, they're still gay, but it's like, why can't we do that gay shit anymore?

You know what I mean? Of course. Like, I'm trying to play fucking Guitar Hero, dude. Just play Rocky Like a Hurricane and just think about my friend's sister naked uh huh me as well that's my new years resolution like why can't we do that anymore as men

but here's the thing is who is stopping you from doing that like dude if I hit you up and I asked you to do that like you're probably gonna die I mean maybe not you which I think that's why you're here right now. Because I'll just sit on the couch and watch you just click, click, click. But I want to play with you, dude. I'll fucking play Guitar Hero right now.

I'm bad at it. I have no rhythm. Dude, I used to play on easy, bro. Yeah? Yeah. So you wouldn't make fun of me if I played on easy? No, dude. because those first three those first three keys i'm dangerous dude all i want to do is play rocky like a hurricane on easy

and then do the little fucking the whammy bar whammy bar yeah because that could you know yeah i mean dude i used to bring people together, man. Jerking off? While playing Guitar Hero, yeah. Yeah, no, I always tried them separately, but never together. So maybe two things. That could have changed the trajectory of your life, man. I don't think you know that. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't be here. Imagine being a 40-year-old man playing Guitar Hero and jerking off at the same time, and you're happy.

Doesn't sound that bad. I think it's because you'd be retarded. I think it's because you'd be critically mentally disabled. Technically. Technically, yeah. But it is still cool.

I would like to get... One of the things i'm nostalgic about but i feel like anytime i re go into anything i'm nostalgic about i'm usually disappointed because it's that's what nostalgia is but what is nostalgia it's like oh well my understanding of it is it's like uh romanticizing uh the past right so i probably have like a serious case of that um i guess maybe i'm mixing that up with sentimentality but nostalgia is just like you know reminiscing about the past and and having a strong emotional bond to those memories so is it there's like a stigmatism attached to it or is it more of like a positive term no i don't think it's a negative term is it like oh i'm getting nostalgic

or is it like fuck i'm getting nostalgic fuck i'm so nostalgic right now uh i think it's that depends entirely on those uses usages yeah so like if you were to say fuck i'm getting nostalgic that'd be a bad thing but if you thing is, is you get nostalgic about something, like video games is my thing. I love playing video games, but then I replay video games, and now they are soured for me. Yeah, man, I'm still trying to get you back on. I know.

Dude, fucking Call of Duty is fun, but it's just like, it sucks that I feel bad when I'm playing them now. Because you have an addictive personality? Well, yeah, I, I, I was really video games almost ruined my life when I was like in middle

school. Um, I almost failed out of sixth grade, which is impressive because of Halo three. That's everyone's story though, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

But a lot of people stay in that thing and they can, they can still enjoy video games now. Or now I, I associate that associate that with my failures. So it's like tainted. I guess it just depends how you think about it. I think it's just like opportunity costs. It's like if you're playing Xbox versus getting blackout, it's kind of like, dude, Xbox isn't really that bad.

I love drinking, though. So it's, but I've been less lately. Yeah, I think you're looking at it like Xbox is going to hurt you, dude, but it might actually help you. I just don't have self-control. So like, I'm probably spending the exact amount of time looking at Instagram reels that I would be playing Xbox. And I can look at those two and go Xbox is more stimulating and at least better for like my brain. And if I'm playing with other people being social, then watching like the hottest women on earth for 30 seconds and then flipping to like a, a dog with sunglasses on its butt.

It's true. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's on there. I mean, um, I've been texting with a, with a doctor,

um, which is, uh, like a woman, like a female. Okay. We've been like talking a little bit, which is exciting.

I haven't met her yet, but. Is this in a doctor capacity or in like a romantic potential hopefully it's i mean i hope we get married you know yeah that would be cool man to like marry a doctor okay so you're you're you're texting them and it's not my doctor okay i'm saying a woman you know slid in the dms on instagram which was already like whoa whoa, dude. Fuck yeah. And she's a doctor.

She's a doctor, yes. They're letting them do that now. So this might be my big break, man. You know, who knows? That's your big break. But she was telling me, dude, like we were talking about like how like bad social media is. Yeah. Because like for me, dude, social media has been bringing me down so much lately.

It's horrific. It's bad, man. What kind of doctor is she? Physicians. Oh, like, for me, dude, social media has been bringing me down so much lately. It's horrific. It's bad, man. What kind of doctor is she? Physicians. Oh, a PA. Yeah, I think she's a resident. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Okay. But anyway, dude, she was, I think we have a lot of the same views on certain things. But she was telling me, because we were talking about social media and stuff and I was like, yeah, you know, like it's kind of like bringing me down a little bit, you know, like just in general.

Yeah. And she would tell me like she works with the kids and yeah, she was like, yeah, like a lot of these kids are on Tik TOK at like an early age. Yeah. And it's like destroying them, like in terms of like them trying to like physically harm their parents and shit.

And they have to like be like, yeah, they have to be like submitted into a hospital. Because their friends are like taking them away and they're freaking out? Or there's something in the TikToks? Probably a mixture of both. I would think that being exposed to that type of stuff at a young age is probably pretty, you know. That's terrifying. Yeah. I mean, do you think about when you were 12 like who you looked up to like i think that's the scary thing it's like if you're 12 dude you have a tick tock there's going to be someone that like you look up to who you like

think is like right about everything right and if you're relating to a 12 year old as an adult yeah but you have the you're trying to be like them that's not good yeah yeah there's a lot of doctors who will like start crying dude because it's like especially with the whole gender thing you know there's like 50 000 genders right you know like if someone's if there's a kid who's 12 doesn't even know what a a blumpkin is you know yeah they haven't reached that point of their developmental stage yeah you have to at least know what a blumpkin is before you become like a trans hormones yeah i mean if you're 13 and you're like i'm trans that is fucking scary man you know i can't imagine yeah but i hadn't i guess i don't know it's hard not to project. The problem is this is a pretty serious topic.

Yeah, no, for sure. I'm not saying trans is a bad thing, but I'm saying to just be at that age and be like, oh, I know I'm trans is insane. I would be scared of any kid who's certain about anything other than hopefully their knowledge of a Blumpkin. Yeah, even saying that a child can make their own decisions at 13, like that's fucking wild, man. Yeah.

You know? I don't know. I don't know if I can even make my own decisions now as 27. Yeah. So. Nobody knows what they're doing. Yeah. So it's like to think about that, you know.

But then is it like if you wanted to get a tattoo when you were 16 and you were sure that you wanted to get a tattoo and you were able to convince your parents and your parents were allow you to get the tattoo and you sign a waiver. I think that would be bad parents. They'd be bad parents. Yeah, dude. I'll tell you a story. All right. This is like one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me okay so I'm Hank so dude I might have been I was probably 14 at the time

my Guatemalan friend lived two houses down and this this kid's got like full bore tits we're both like morbidly obese we're best friends at the time and he invites me over his house and there's a bunch of people there and they're all hanging out dude so i'm just happy to be there full bore tits is yeah good i'm just happy to be there man and he walks up to me and he's like, yo, when my dad gets home, you should call him a motherfucker. And I was like, I'm good, man. I don't think that would be good. Did you know that that was a bad thing to say?

To his father? Yeah. Yeah. And then his sister came up to me, who was also hanging out. And he was like, John, you should really do it. Like, I think it'll be funny. She was like, listen, there's nothing to worry about. She like my dad is super cool like nothing bad will happen and i was like all right i guess i'll do it so we're all hanging out his dad pulls in the driveway this

dude's got like a fresh beamer like he's a g dude yeah he's got it together he just got back from work dude opens up his car door He's about to walk inside. And I just go, yo, what up, motherfucker? And everyone was like, yo, no way. Like, he actually said it. Right. And his dad immediately was like, get the fuck off my lawn. And I started laughing.

So I was like, oh, he's kidding. You know, like, he's joking. Everyone was like, he's just fucking with you. And then he started screaming at i was like oh he's kidding you know like he's joking everyone's like he's just fucking with you and then he started screaming at me okay he's like get the fuck off my lawn right now like why the fuck would you ever say that to an adult right and i was like all right and he was like get the fuck out of here dude so i like went home and i had to tell my parents i was like i just called joey's dad a motherfucker and they were just like are you insane right you know what i mean so i'm like crying dude i'm like holy i just really fucked up my mom was like we have to go down there and you're going to apologize to joey's dad

so like a few hours pass i go down with my mom I knock on the door, his dad answers and he's like smiling. He's like, hey, what's going on, John? Like I was like, hey, I just want to say sorry for like saying that to you. Like it was super disrespectful. And he starts laughing. He's like, oh, don't worry about it, man. Like it's, I forgive you. Okay.

I go back home. Dude, I got grounded for a full month and I couldn't do anything. Like my parents were like, you're're gonna stay in your room you do homework you can read whatever like no Xbox like for an entire month dude so a month passes okay and I finally get off grounding and the first thing I want to do is like go outside and I'm I'm shooting hoops and I live two houses down from Joey, dude. Dude, his dad hops in his Beamer, drives by my house, and I see the Beamer stop. And he rolls down the window and he just screams.

He's like, yo, what up, motherfucker? And I was like, dude. He was cool with this the whole time. I was like, dude, I just got grounded for an entire month You got solitary confinement Yeah for an entire month And the whole time it was like a joke And I had no idea Yeah

And to this day like I still know his dad And he'll bring that up every time he sees me He's like dude I cannot believe You told your parents That you called me A motherfucking dude yeah why did you i thought he was being dude he was screaming at me he was like right but he did he ever say you i'm gonna tell your parents no but you just told them yeah man i'm a guilty guy like i just

like felt like it was the right thing to do yeah anything like that man i just feel so guilty i'm like i have to let it out you know what i mean that's good yeah i mean but i could have just not said it and not got grounded for a month yeah but then you know you wouldn't have this uh you wouldn't know this thing about yourself of like yeah i wonder if that is a good thing man i think it is a good thing i think a little bit of guilt and shame is a little is it good it says something that you have a set of moral principles that when you betray them you uh you feel like you should be reprimanded for yeah like coming out clean exactly yeah i uh i shot an arrow at my neighbor's cat when i was a kid a bow and arrow

like a legit one yeah like i my dad got me this like you know walmart bow and arrow but like a one with like real steel tips and uh something a child shouldn't have yeah in a residential area and there was like a cat in a window sill might cross the way and uh i was like i wonder if i could hit that and uh turns out i could and so i just pulled back and i let go. And thankfully it wasn't very strong bow and arrow, but it just knocked their window and shot through the, the like, um,

mesh screen and the cat like freaked out and jumped away. It didn't hurt the cat. Thankfully. But, uh, I, I did the same thing. I went to my dad crying cause I knew,

you know, that would help minimize damage. And, uh, the difference between me and help minimize damage. And, uh, the difference between me and you in this story is, uh, I knew I was going to get in trouble because my neighbor saw me shoot his cat. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I was like, I need to get ahead of this like a politician before that happens. Yeah. But if I hadn't been seen i probably would have lit another fucking arrow at that window you would have kept going so you're a good person is what i'm saying yeah there have been times where i'm like all right let's you know let's make up an excuse though yeah like i've been to uh i've been to a party where I broke a window that's probably twice the size of that.

Oh, shit. It was probably like at least a 10 by 10 window. Yeah. I threw a vodka bottle through it during a party and just shattered it. Can I ask what the logic was behind that? There were just people in the backyard and they were throwing stuff. Yeah. And I saw that and I was like, dude, this is your this is your moment yeah you know were they throwing stuff at the window so the house was

on like a golf course it was like a town home type situation and yeah my buddy threw a party and like i saw people throwing stuff at trees and stuff so i started throwing bottles at houses yeah and uh someone handed me like this empty vodka bottle and they were like dude let it rip man like they were like you gotta just do whatever anybody tells you to do i mean dude if you're drunk at a party and people are cheering you on like you have to do it yeah you can't just that's very true i i don't know what i wouldn't do if like 10 people were like, Grant, Grant, Grant. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, back in the day. Dude, if I was high and drunk at the same time and someone was like, you're going to drive through this house, I'd be like, dude, buckle up. Buckle up, baby. Yeah. Give me the keys. Yeah. Dude. Yeah.

It's going down. This Ford Fiesta is about to be planted in the living room. I was aiming for my, for like a neighbor's house with this vodka bottle and i crow hopped you know what i mean what does that mean like you kind of slide to get some momentum like for that's a funny visual yeah and uh dude so i go to throw it and i just held on to it for too long and it just shattered the window oh i thought you were trying to throw through the window at the name i really have a low expectation of you so like i'm aiming maybe like a hundred feet straight yeah the house we're at is right now the window is right next to me i broke the

window of the party i was at yes Yes Yeah When the glass is on the outside Someone fucked up Yeah But the next day I was like Oh should I just like You know Make up an excuse What would be the excuse?

To I threw a glass bottle Just be like yeah man Like I don't even know Like You know something must have like Maybe it was a golf ball That came inside the house That would have been a great excuse.

It was on a golf course. And I never thought about that. Didn't you break? Weren't you inside the house when you threw it? Or you were outside the house? I was outside. Oh, you should have done the golf ball. That makes sense.

I thought you were, this entire story, I thought you were inside the house throwing the bottle through the window. I don't know. You'd fucking do stupid shit, man. That would have been wild. That's why I was like... He thought I was like, oh, let's break this window and then the bottle will just keep going. That's what I thought.

That would be next level retardation. I don't know, man. You're talking about driving through Home Depot sheds and stuff? Yeah, that would have been wild. Yeah. I don't know, man. You're talking about driving through Dome Depot sheds and stuff? Yeah. That would have been wild. Yeah, I don't think I... Well, when I was 16, we found an abandoned house and had a party in it

and we just fucking... We got hammered and we pissed all over it and we found axes. It was on all over it. And we found axes. It was on like a farm property. We found axes in the shed. Wow. We just started like destroying it.

You know those like ceiling panels that are made out of like foam? We just started jumping and crashing our heads through those. And we pissed on the stairs to make it look like a waterfall. Wow. We fucked this place up. A lot of urine. A lot of urine. A lot of urine. It was a urine-heavy thing.

And then after all this, we played beer pong in the basement, and we made a bracket. And on the bracket, we put all of our names. And so when the cops came the next day, they had all of our names. Oh, my God, dude. And someone left a library book there. None of these people read by the way but someone left a library book from our high school library so they just went and ran it through the system

like yeah bleep bleep check this out and they had his first name on the list and uh they went to him first he gave up everybody and uh then they came to my house. This fucking big, like six, seven cop came in and my mom apparently told him, scare the shit out of him. And so the guy just came in and just like Batman interrogated me like he didn't slam my head on the table, but he fucking scared the shit out of me. And I gave up everybody I didn't like. And then everybody else went to a different school. Damn. Did you get in trouble or no? Yeah, I had to go to a shrink because they basically,

you have an interview when you got in trouble in my high school where you have an interview after you get in trouble with a guidance counselor and the guidance counselor asks you uh if it's alcohol related or drug related are you going to do drugs or alcohol again and everyone says no and i said yeah probably i'm 16 and it's fun and so they sent me to a shrink and i had had to see this guy a certain amount of times. He was a drug and alcohol specialist, and I had to see him for a couple months and just go in, and he was the coolest dude ever. Really?

Yeah. He was an ex-Army Ranger, and I guess he had PTSD, so he became an alcoholic and found Buddhism and got out of alcoholism that way. And now he was just this Zen guy with the fucking salt lamp in his office. And I would go and talk to him and he would talk to me like a person, not like a kid. And he was like, so the weed thing, how do you feel about that? Cause it's, there are some issues with it. You know,

you're, you're probably going to drink a little bit you're not going to drive i trust you but you you should be careful with alcohol or with weed at a young age uh it can be laced it can be all that and i'm like he's like have you ever thought about growing it i mean so he's like uh he was worried about like the chemicals involved i think he just knew that i'm i was a kid and i was gonna do things so he was trying to guide me towards the safest possible ways of doing it to protect myself and growing it was the first he might have gotten his head bonked a couple times when he was in vietnam or whatever but that makes i mean i think that makes sense nowadays yeah no he told me about like hydroponics and stuff he's like there's some youtube videos i I was like, wow, my God, dude.

That guy sounds like the man. He was very cool. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude, nowadays, because I know weed is like, I mean, I don't smoke weed, but that's a big thing now. I think they just spray it down with chemicals for like reproduction purposes. Yeah. purposes. Yeah, I mean, I imagine anything that's in, like,

anything you're on that level of agriculture, just to get, like, fungus and other shit off of it, they probably have to spray it with a bunch of shit that's awful for you. But I worry more about the high quality of, like, THC. Because I think,

you know, people, like, used to smoke weed with, like, 5-10% THC content. that was a weird sound and and uh you're possessed for a second i thought some ghost was gonna come out of my ass but uh and they'd be fine because they would just get a little high but now people smoke 50 60 percent thc and they fucking shit their pants and they get schizophrenia yeah it's so fucking strong it's so strong dude i mean it was so crazy man back in the day when people are like yeah man we're just gonna get high and you know go to this thing and i'm like

dude i'm not leaving this car right yeah i can't move yeah i've been thinking about death for the past 45 minutes yeah dude i would lose feeling when i got high like i literally couldn't dude i i was on uh i was playing pond hockey once uh-huh and i was fucking blitz dude yeah like i could barely open my eyes right so i'm like whoa whoa whoa and i'm like scooping this kid's tits i remember scooping my friend's tits like double scooping him and i fell off balance dude i'm on the way down crack your head open i'm on the way down and i got hit in the face with a hockey puck like on the way down yeah and i just like fell and i got up and i was like whoa yeah dude my eye was completely swollen and i was bleeding i was squirting blood everywhere and everyone's

like yo what the fuck they're like dude you got to get out of here man you got to go to the hospital and stuff and i'm like dude i can't feel anything like what's what happened someone like shows me it like through a phone and i'm like oh all right i'll see you guys later man dude i was so stoned i went to a subway i just i walked in and i ordered a sandwich and like just bleeding out of your face yeah the people behind the counter were like dude like are you okay i was like yeah man i'm cool like so like the social anxiety aspect of weed hadn't set in at this point i mean at that point i was like yeah man i'm cool like so like the social anxiety aspect of weed hadn't set in at this point i mean at that point i was i think i was so tired and just like i was like i

just want a fucking subway sandwich yeah well you were concussed too i had to go i did go to the hospital and i had to get stitches i don't know if you can see it on my eyelash you can see there's a separation there's a bald spot yeah to. But yeah, I just couldn't really feel anything, man. Like, you know? Yeah. We bought a bong online. We had it express shipped so that it would be there in time for the Tyler the Creator concert. And it was a three-foot polymer bong.

Like, made out of the same thing they make Glock handguns out of so that we wouldn't break it. Because we were like, we're always breaking bombs. So let's buy one that's weapons grade. Yeah. Weapons grade bomb. We named it Bolby from the character in Jimmy Neutron, like weird foreign kid.

But you could fill it up all the way, and you'd hit the carb and you go and it would just jack and you'd get railed in the lungs by this like a blunt's worth of weed and people would come over to my house and they'd take one hit and the amount of people who were like i can't i gotta be laying i have to lay down yeah like and i'm and that was hanging out to us yeah and one kid he like had a thing where like he if he tried to turn left he would get vertigo from hitting this pong like and uh that was i would do this once a night i would hit that bong once or twice a night yeah and it's like what the

fuck was i doing and now i'm like why can't i remember uh my grandma's birthday it's because i was smoking insane amounts of weed at a young age yeah the thing about smoking weed is like when you get super high like small things happen that are like insane to you yeah you know right because you're operating at a toddler's iq yeah yeah and then like after the fact you're like oh I just got up to get a sandwich. Right. But that to you, that's like you just like. But that was a feat because you were able to stand up.

Yeah. That's why there's the stereotype of drug dealers telling you stories that are absolutely worthless. It's because every part of their day is amazing because they're baked out of their fucking mind. It's because every part of their day is amazing because they're baked out of their fucking mind. Yeah. That's the problem with like the Joe Rogan experience is now you have all these stoners listening to like neuroscience all day. So you can't buy a fucking dime bag without some asshole telling you about like how kombucha is good for your brain. Yeah.

It seems like it's tough. Yeah. Yeah. I got nothing against weed, man. It's just like it's not for me. You know what I mean i was always chasing that feeling of like the first time you smoked weed oh my dude the first time you got high was like you'd never laughed so hard in your entire life at nothing yeah at just sheer existence nothing yeah i would just laugh like a hyena for like 45 minutes yeah i bet and you you have a great laugh i bet your friends would start laughing at your laugh yeah yeah it was it was uh

something i'll never forget yeah it was but that fades over time you know yeah and then after a while i you're just like am i peeing am i peeing right now that was always i'd get too high go in public and i'd be like is there shit seeping out of my ass yeah well i would just like i eventually evolved i remember i remember the first time i got high was in a tent with my asian friend and my white friend and you always race them we were fucking dude we were laughing so hard, man. Yeah. And I remember I got so stoned that I had chips and salsa with me. And I spilt salsa everywhere on the floor of the tent. Yeah. And I just didn't care.

You guys slept with it? Salsa in the middle? Well, we had Tostitos scoops. And I was just scooping the salsa off the floor of the tent just having the time of my life dude yeah yeah and like that's not a story unless you're high yeah if i did that and i wasn't high people would put a helmet on yeah i would be fucking indicted like yeah but there were moments where like i remember being in a circle once with a bunch of stoners and they brought out like the big bong.

You know what I mean? That was like the B-dog, dude. Yeah. And I was like one of the dumbest kids at the time in terms of like smoking and stuff. And like, dude, I was so stoned. It was my turn to take a hit. Yeah. Dude, I took a hit.

So I lit the top of the bong and i i hit the carb so i just inhaled the weed and i started choking a little bit and then i dropped the bong and the bong shattered and everyone was like dude no way that just happened you are like a three stooges episode people were like yo like this kid this kid's gonna murder you yeah like they were like probably a 400 bomb yeah they were like no no no like you gotta stop laughing like this kid's gonna fight you yeah and uh i couldn't stop laughing and i gave this kid 10 bucks for like a very expensive piece of glass yeah yeah i don't know i think it was also like there's something about like

maybe i'm over intellectualizing this but there's something like about american culture where like you have to do everything to the extreme so you can't just smoke a little weed like you have to fucking it's like how we drink like the way we drink is like it's beer bongs and fucking crushing you know that's what my friend would always say he would be like listen man like you don't have to get high to the point where you don't know your own name like you can just take a few rips and then you just have fun yeah well i don't even think the reason i wouldn't do that was because i'm like oh that's not like fun that's relaxing oh okay like i want to yeah i want to laugh my ass off because i don't know my own name you know

what i mean like yeah and he was just like he would just be like one of those dudes who could just like take a few hits like go to the gym like actually do stuff and i would just like that never crossed my mind yeah you know what i mean i do i do enjoy being high and working out though there's something that you can get into well obviously not too high but you can i can be a little bit more focused yeah One time I was, I was, I had like a bunch of keef. You know what keef is? So like when you grind something up and then you, people would put like a dime in the grinder and it would shake through a

grate. And that's basically like the pure THC crystal. Okay. So it's very strong essentially. And, uh, I bought, uh, I was going to be at my dad's house for a week by myself because I was

supposed to be with him for, uh, for the, uh, Christmas holidays, but he forgot and booked a flight to Paris by with his, uh, his partner.

So, uh, I, uh, he was like, well, do you want to watch the dog and I'll pay you? Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was kind of shitty. So to deal with that emotionally, I used all of the money he was going to pay me to buy an ounce of weed. Oh, Jesus. And I brought it up there. And so I shook it all out. I rolled up his joints and blah, blah, blah. And then I had like the most keef on the planet i guess and uh when i got back me and my friend ernest met up and uh we we were like we're gonna vape

all this keef and uh we did and i had an exchange student a foreign exchange student saying at my house um and he was like we're like do you want to do this with them? He was like, no, that sounds awful. But we're like, ah, fuck you. And so we go and we vape a bunch and then it's time for me to take Ernest, uh, to his mom's place. And I need to get on a bus to go up and see my dad, uh, in Chicago. And so, uh, I'm the highest I've ever been in my entire life and i don't condone what i'm about to talk about but uh i drive him home we're laughing the entire time we have no idea why um and then uh i start heading towards the bus and like i'm going like 70 80 on the highway i'm feeling good playing acdc and about three stops from the bus stop i feel this thing in my stomach go

and then um i just dropped the biggest shit out of my asshole that i've ever shit in my entire life you shit your pants yeah into my car oh my god and i can't go number two without going number one so i piss myself too wow and you were only stoned only stoned wow so i shit myself it's in my car and i'm still driving the entire i'm going so fast and i'm high and i've got shit in my ass crack coming out all over my car and uh but maybe i shouldn't tell us and so uh i pull off and I drive all the way back home. And I'm like this the entire time driving. For some reason, I'm like, I don't want to get my seat dirty.

It's already covered in shit everywhere. And so I take my pants off in my garage. I go clean myself up. And then I'm high. So I leave the door open to the garage. And when I get out of the shower Patrick the foreign exchange student is just standing in the doorway to the garage staring and he looks

back at me and he's like did you shit your pants and I'm like yeah I did and I look past them and I just had left the shit pants on the floor of the garage for everyone to see were you sad or were you kind of like that's kind of funny I think it took a while to process that one but uh it kind of depends on the people's

reaction when i tell them the story how i feel about it right now mixed messages yeah yeah that is funny that's kind of that is sad it's sad very sad like it's a it's because you were only high yeah dude but you haven't so you were so high that you were like i truly couldn't control my couldn't control my body i was not in tune with my body that's wild man yeah i've never heard of that like that before. Yeah. Well, don't tell anybody. Yeah. Yeah. That's so, wow, man. So stone that you shit your pants, bro. And then have you ever told anyone this?

A couple of people now. But yeah. It's all coming up now. I've told my friends and it's like not even the first time I've shit my pants. I mean pants a lot i've got ibs but oh you do yeah oh so that makes sense then yeah you think that was it yeah i i don't know i think it was the weed mostly but yeah uh the other time i shit my pants in my car is because i had drank a red bull with like a probiotic shake and that created and probiotics they help you shit probiotics yeah i think they just create like more biotics in your stomach yeah dude dog watching seems to be a popular thing in terms of getting

high dog oh yeah awesome dude my buddy uh my buddy sammy it's quite a segue by the way he's he's like this mclovin type dude. He gives off McLovin vibes. And he was like, listen, man, I got to watch my neighbor's dog. Do you want to just come and just get super stoned? Okay. And I was like, yeah, man, I'll show up. So I showed up and we ended up watching this dog and we're watching cartoons. So I take like a few bong rips and I'm like losing my mind.

And I'm like, all right, man, I'm going to get out of here. And I had brought my moped there so i hop on my moped and i'm like oh shit like my headlights are out oh right okay and i have to ride like a few miles home and i'm like all right fuck it you know just be safe you know just rip it home or whatever this thing maxes out at like 30 miles an hour right so i'm like barely going the speed limit yeah dude so i'm going down this narrow road near my house and it's like a uh basically only one car can fit and i'm going towards this car and i'm like there's no way there's no way they see me dude yeah and uh i'm like you know i'll whatever. Right. So I keep going and I hit this little ledge. You know, those ramps on the side of the road, kind of like the cement ramps.

OK. For the sidewalk. Yeah. To get on the sidewalk. Yeah. Dude, I hit one of those. OK. I probably got two inches in the air, but I was so stoned.

I was like, bro, you're literally like airborne right now. You thought you were in that scene from et yeah and uh that was wild dude riding a moped stone was like it's gotta be so much fun oh man bad and don't do it i used to do it and i would ride around this road uh that was a reservoir man and i would just listen to like the Rolling Stones, man. It was wild. Moments like that are very nice. Oh my God, man. Yeah.

Can't even. It's just that it takes one time for you to fill your pants with shit in a jet up. Dude, if I shit my pants doing that, that would be a beautiful story, man. Yeah. I don't know. I think you would have gotten a little less air or more. Who knows? I don't know the dynamics of that

well dude thank you for coming man thank you for having me you're a fan favorite bro I appreciate it you gotta look at the comments from the last episode man people loved you that makes me feel good

I felt bad because I met you one time and then I was like wow I haven't caught know, I haven't caught up with Grant at all. Well, it happens. You know? So I don't want to be that guy that's just like, it's just like a one-time thing, dude. Yeah. You know, I want you to be at my wedding, dude. Come on.

Come on. Start crying, dude. You don't mean that? Yeah. With the doctor lady? Yeah, dude, you're a fan favorite, man, so. Well, hopefully it stays that way. Yeah. you should get a bunch of hate mail yeah that's what i tell about shitting my pants on the highway um you got anything coming up man uh yes sophomore slump comedy show at room 52 uh on november 30th you can go to sophomore slump

uh comedy at instagram or you can go to my instagram which is grantmore23 and uh get tickets i will love you indefinitely so uh please do that and thank you so much for having me on it's always fun just come in as always um subscribe if you want to to the three people that watch this hell yeah yeah i mean if you watch you watch at this point I might be taking some time off soon so who knows man I don't know what the fuck I'm doing so you're on a journey I'm on a journey I might need a break man from this just for like you know it's good to take breaks yeah dude but yeah you know like subscribe whatever who gives a fuck man truly all right so