The Johnny Salami Podcast - Jake Timothy

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Jake Timothy by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, bro, I'm hurting. Dude, there's one, I can't even say his name, but there's one dude has a podcast and his assistant uh like they invited me on the podcast and uh it was at his mom's house which is fine you know like i've been there done that you know as long as you're like hospitable you know so we're like going to his uh his bedroom

and uh he was like yeah uh that's my producer like in the corner just like some random dude and i was like all right it's like this random dude with a beard and I was like oh So this guy like does your podcast for you, and he was like yeah like we pay him And I was like dude you're filming at your mom's house, but you pay a producer, and he was like yeah And it was just this dude and dude his shirt said hail Satan on it He was like he was like are you guys comfortable right now? And I was like, no, I'm not. It's actually the most uncomfortable I've ever been.

We're on like a futon and I'm looking directly at this dude wearing a shirt that says Hail Satan. And I'm supposed to just like fucking, you know, talk to these guys for an hour straight, man. It's fucking wild, dude. That's like a classic producer look though. You think so? Yeah. Fuck. Like very busy pale.

Yeah. Yeah. Either that or like an Asian. I'm not racist, but a lot of Asian. No other distinguishable features. Yeah. Fuck. It's nice to meet you, man.

Not a Hail Satan kind of Asian. Oh, yeah. Dude, imagine that. An Asian dude with a Hail Satan shirt on. It'd be fucking wild, dude. Yeah. It's nice to meet you, too, by the way way i've been a huge fan of you for a while really yeah shit man we've never even met dude you're like a fuck dude this is a big moment for me bigger moment for me than it is for you for sure no dude i'm fucking hard right now man like this is i mean i was excited what happened last time you uh you went to ikea dude right

you were oh yeah yeah dude i was like i fucking respect the shit out of this guy I mean, I was excited. What happened last time, you went to Ikea, dude, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. I had to go to Ikea. Dude, I was like, I fucking respect the shit out of this guy. Yeah, dude. For sure, man. I've never been to Ikea, dude, so I was kind of like. It's far away. I mean, from here, it's pretty far away.

It's in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Holy shit. Really far. It's in like a docks area. Damn, that sounds far away, man. Yeah, it was awesome. Red Hook? Red Hook, yeah.

Sounds like some fucking shit fuck you didn't even know there were pirates in brooklyn dude sounds like narnia dude was it like uh are you from the suburbs uh originally or yeah i'm from from here i'm probably for like a 25 minute drive oh shit my like where i grew up there's suburbs 25 minutes from here yeah dude i mean you're fucking out here in queens you're really out here in Queens. You're really far away from Manhattan. I don't even know where I am half the time, dude, to be honest. Like, my first week here, we were in Times Square, and I was like, where the fuck are we right now?

There's, like, all the big signs around me. Yeah, yeah. Fucking losing my mind. But, dude, so you're saying there's grass 25 minutes away from here? Yeah. Holy shit, dude. I mean, where I live in the city, coming out here, I feel like I'm in a rural area. Yeah.

Dude, what's the name of where you grew up? Port Washington. Shit, man. Long Island. Yeah. Good spot to like... Yeah, it's nice. I like it there.

Fuck, man. Because I've been meaning to see some grass, dude. Yeah, yeah. I'm starting to lose it a little bit, and I just need... Dude, even if I'm in a field by myself, and I can just take a few whiffs, that'll do it for sure. Definitely. I haven't smelled freshly cut grass in a long time. Oh, yeah, dude.

That's a great smell. Yeah, some fucking Scott's Turf Grow, dude. Dude, I miss that, man. Yeah. It's not the same if I go to the park in the city, like Central Park. Yeah. It just feels... The shit, the dirt of the city is still like around you it might not even be the grass too much be the air quality yeah just fucking farts and like shit like that in the

air yeah yeah dude i invested in uh a fucking uh what's it called uh cleans the air out it's not a thermos no not a fucking uh not a dehumidifier but a uh a filter i don't even know yeah fuck dude i'm retarded man i can't even i don't even know what i bought it was like 300 man it like cleans out the air there's like a massive there is a massive filter in it oh an air purifier, dude. Hell yeah, dude. I'm fucking so happy I pulled that off. My mind was just, it was just darkness in there, dude. Yeah, man.

I was like, you better fucking figure it out. But yeah, dude, that's a good investment, man. Yeah, I bet. I was going to mention how pure the air is in here. Really? I mean, it's crisp. My apartment is kind of, you just go like this and then there's shit on oh shit man you know that's tough dude yeah yeah i don't know what it is too yeah i live in an old building but you're it's building like the 20 it's worth it

though for the the payment yeah i mean my rent's really cheap yeah dude it won't be for much longer but yeah next year man they're gonna jack that shit up dude they're gonna fuck yeah for sure man longer but next year man they're gonna jack that shit up dude they're gonna fuck yeah for sure man yeah dude i like i was literally sick for like a week because i got bub my puppy dude yeah and dude he's fucking dropping loads and pissing everywhere and you combine that here yeah dude you combine that with the air quality like dude my nose was dude i lost my sense of smell for a whole week like it's crazy man so i invested in an air purifier dude yeah dude that thing could fucking clean out an office building and it's only in my room so like i can i can't even breathe at night dude yeah you know what i'm saying it's like i uh

i remember in my home in long island or not my mom's house my home one of my homes i had like an industrial like a commercial grade uh air conditioner for like my small bedroom yeah and it was it made my bedroom so cold oh shit dude that's the best man tight yeah i had one of those uh portable acs yeah that you buy for like five grand at lowe's and it's like not even worth it but i would put that just in my room man i was fucking sick dude it's crisp yeah jack off the electric dude you don't even have to pay for it dude mom's got it you know what i'm saying yeah that's that's the best it's the best i missed that man i used to i had a cat uh on long island yeah i found a cat in the shipyard and she was my cat then shit but uh i had the same problem where she was like a not like

house a house cat but she lived in the house and so she just pissed everywhere and then i kind of just got desensitized to that smell yeah and i remember like my brother came home from college one day and he walked into my room he's like the fuck is that smell dude i was like you know just maybe i didn't do my laundry he's like no it smells like like gasoline yeah yeah dude it's it's unreal man the potty training i would do i wish i had a cat i fucking hate cats but just to not have to deal with like like dude he's taking like human size shits and like dude he'll piss and then he'll like roll around in it so dude it's like i have to give him baths like my room like dude yeah good thing i don't have chicks over like any company you know

if i had like a fatty over after he took a massive shit she's walked in she's like did you shit on the ground like uh you shit in here yeah yeah i mean bub is a unit dude i could imagine him taking a real fucking steamer. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, man. Human size. Like, when you called me when you got here, dude, he was in the middle of, like, massive shit, dude. Even the guys.

You felt your phone vibrating, and you're like, that's just Bub. My phone vibrating. I was like, I can't take this right now. Is Bub neutered or spayed or whatever? I think he's too young. I think they have to be like six months that's what i asked the uh the owner when i bought him i was like can you like chop off his piece before i pick him up and he was like dude he's fucking like four weeks old yeah he doesn't even have nuts right now well he does he's like two little like they're they're like internal and then sometimes they pop out a little bit

fucking proud of him dude when they pop out too yeah it's like a solid if it's a solid angle dude you can see him and you're just like that's my fucking boy dude but there you go son pop those things out yeah it's my fucking son that's my fucking boy out there and thangs hanging low yeah i think he's uh i think he's disabled though man yeah sure why is that uh he just like runs into stuff dude a lot of like dude the other day he ate another dog shit and it was like dude it was just it was there for like dogs just do that though i don't know man i've never seen my dog when i was a kid she loved eating shit she'd be other dog shit and she did her own shit really and we would

always try to get it before she could eat it and it got and she knew that and so it got to the point where sometimes you would catch her trying to eat the shit as it came out of her asshole holy shit be like completely turned around going know i'm like wow yeah she caught it a couple it was kind of crazy you were just watching i mean you don't want to give any like code in between a dog and the dog's food you know that would fuck you up man yeah yeah yeah my first dog uh ate its own shit and i saw it as like a teenager i think the next week it bit my ear off we had to put it down dude Really? Yeah man that might be a red flag for sure Damn dude

Can you hear out of your ear? Yeah dude it was like right here Yeah yeah It like bit it and it was hanging off So I had to get like 16 stitches Jesus Christ It was fucking graphic man It was right after I got off the bus too dude

My whole family was fucking scarred for life dude Damn I just gave it a hug and it was like nah dude Damn Was he like a rescue or something? yeah I think we got him from the uh the pound so I'm sorry about that well it's amazing that you're still cool with dogs yeah a lot of people would have that experience and be like never going near a dog dude the scars made me tougher man it's like a guy who's uh he like raises bears he's got scars all over yeah that would be hilarious man to just raise like an exotic animal especially like you

and i have like a distinct look or if like we were in the newspaper for like raising exotic animals it would be kind of funny if you saw my like our fucking headshots like that you know word would spread pretty fast dude oh yeah yeah there's a lot of people around here with exotic animals you hear about it a lot man a lot of snakes and shit there's a guy uh you ever hear that story about there's a guy who lived uh in harlem in like an apartment and he had a tiger in the apartment with him oh shit and no one knew about it for like 10 years. And then he went out for some reason, and it got out. Holy shit, dude. Imagine that, dude.

You're just like taking a fucking city bike for a ride. You see like a full-grown tiger. It'd be wild, man. Yeah. What would you do, dude? Just hang out on a fire escape. If you were his neighbor. It's none of my business.

Yeah. Don't bother it. It won't bother you. I mean, what do you do if you just hear that noise do you ask him what's going on in there you hear the just tiger noises like growls and shit yeah i don't even know what type of noise is there would you even be able to identify it it's clearly a tiger if i was like dead asleep and i saw like i heard a tiger growl at the top of its lungs dude i'd you know probably go for a walk because i already have like sleep apnea like i already see stuff in my sleep so

i'd be like you have a mask i don't think i uh i didn't use the right term it's not a sleep apnea sleep apnea is like the breathing one yeah i have the one where uh like you see things and uh they're not actually there hallucinating hallucination something like that yeah that's it yeah that's different thing yeah for sure dude yeah i'm fucking stupid but yeah i'll literally see things in the middle of the night and i'll like blink fucking 40 times and i'll be like damn go away go away oh um i know what you're talking about it's like paralysis sleep paralysis that's fucking scary yeah dude i i've never gotten checked out for it but it

happens like almost every week like once a week yeah yeah my friend uh my friend zach bryan had that problem he'd say you tell me the shit he saw he'd like look kind of rough and i'm like what's going on he's like i have weird day like what he's like just woke up there's like a demon sitting over me in my bed yeah for me it's a crazy way to wake up yeah i'll see people like crawl in through the window damn and i'll be like no get the fuck out there's like nothing there so if you heard a tiger you'd be like i'm just hallucinating i'd be like oh dude i got to go for a little walk. Yeah. It was bad when I was younger, though, dude. I would, like, my bed was kind of far away from the window,

and I would see someone crawling through the window quietly, and I would just start, like, my heart would start racing, and then I would get up as fast as I could, open up my door, run into my mom's room, and I would just scream, what the fuck, at the top of my lungs. And my mom just took it like a champ. She was like, you're fucking retarded. Like, what's going on?

You know what I mean? She would always just send me texts. She'd be like, are you okay? Like, you ran into my room last night and screamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what the fuck? And I'd just be like, yeah, I'm good. I never even told her about it, dude.

Like, I never was like, I'm seeing stuff, you know i never even told her about it dude like i never was like i'm seeing stuff you know yeah i just let it happen just you never explained it no so she definitely thinks you know she already thinks something's going on but like yeah that definitely added to it for sure just a confusing child dude yeah man you grew up in long island though dude yeah that's pretty sick man mean, we're on Long Island right now. Really? Technically, yeah. Shit, man. Queens and Brooklyn are on Long Island.

Fuck, dude. I got to fucking do some research, man. I saw a guy at a show, and he was so fucked up, he walked into the back room to apologize to one of the comics, and he was blackout drunk, and he was like, dude, I'm not even on the right island right now. And I was like, holy shit, that guy's fucked fucked up i didn't even know we were on an island in new york he said that yeah what where were you what borough uh greenwich village yeah okay yeah does that make sense he if he says i'm on the wrong island i mean i've never heard it phrased that way but yeah you can

definitely be on the wrong i mean he had, he had the guy walk him out. There's like three big islands around here. Yeah. And then there's a bunch of smaller ones too. How would you... I got to get to Ellis Island. That's where I live. I got to get to Shutter Island, dude.

That's where I need to go, man. There's a... I mean, from where I grew up, you can see the city from across the sound. It's pretty cool. And then if you take like a boat out, which we always take like fishing boats out, you can see all these little islands where they used to, you know, do shit back in the day. Like they have a, I think it's like a, I forget what it's called,

but there's a lighthouse on it and it's where they used to execute, execution rock. It's where they would execute big prisoners and shit. Yeah yeah they're just doing like lobotomies and stuff over there no it's not like shutter it's just there's like one lighthouse and they would go there and kill someone and then they'd be like all right i guess someone more so like crucifix you want to see the lighthouse now you're just like on your boat you see like a real life crucifixion yeah yeah that'd be fucking insane dude you imagine that's still other executing people yeah and that's what we're talking about when we're talking about like is it humane yeah is it humane to crucify people on the cross put that on like a calendar 2023 but dude uh i think long island i went to

johnson wales yeah yeah a lot of uh Island. A lot of people from Long Island go there. Yeah, I had some friends that went there. Yeah. Dude, is it true that a lot of girls there pierce their nipples? On Long Island? Yeah. In my experience, some of them. Yeah.

Yeah, a good number. I mean, I haven like lived anywhere else long enough to be like oh yeah you know you guys don't pierce your nipples as much over here yeah i mean dude we would always see chicks with like those uh tang tops on yeah and it looked like they had like number two pencils just pointed out of their chest and we would always question it and they'd be like they'd casually be like I have my nipples pierced. They'd be like, we're from Long Island. That would be their excuse.

Not their excuse, but their reasoning for it. And I'd be like, oh, okay. Long Island is pretty, they like to defend how trash they could be. I don't get it. How trash is it compared to like Staten or like Jersey? It's not much more

trashy than it is but they like to be like really defended. Yeah. If you call Jersey trash they'll be like no we're fucking not. Like we're

the balls of America. Yeah there's gonna be so many people that message me that are like dude I'm from there. I'm gonna be like alright man.

It's a long island. They're like they just love to be. I've met some great people from new jersey but they're very defensive dude about like yeah turnpike and shit the fucking highway we got the best turnpike yeah i don't think i would ever defend my hometown they also have a there's a rest stop in the meadowlands called the vince lombardi restroom area yeah and uh do you know where the meadowlands is you ever driven through that area no it's just where the mob dumps bodies it's like a really shitty part of the state

but they have the vince lombardi rest area and every time i go there i'm like trying to find it like they have a little museum or something yeah commemorate this guy wait so this where is this in jersey in jersey yeah holy shit wait vince lombardi was from new jersey i guess so they also have like any coast like a james gandolfini uh yeah james gandolfini like threw away or some shit yeah that's super confusing man that would be like if you went to fucking texas and saw like a naked statue of like bill belichick you'd be like what the fuck's going on dude holy shit man yeah i've never been i've never been to long island dude

i've never been pretty much anywhere so yeah i need to try to save up to travel more and maybe we were talking about grass dude yeah i'm still trying to find it man yeah like there's a cemetery over there i might take a look yeah just for the grass it looks it looks like a big cemetery too man yeah you know that's got to be a better way to like handle the bodies you know it takes up so much space yeah it's like dude figure it out yeah just burn that shit throw him in the ocean or something Yeah I need that grass for Sitting on Yeah is that fucked up dude If you like

If you walk around in a cemetery And you're not grieving Is that like considered Disrespectful I don't know Who's checking It'd be crazy if they check Your like

When you go to a cemetery Or like you need proof That you like Have a person here like you need proof that you like have a person here yeah i mean we used to hit like uh dirt jumps when i was a child in a cemetery oh yeah just like eat shit in front of people who were like bawling their eyes out super fucked up you didn't really you didn't really think about it though yeah you're just like i'm trying to hit this jump full speed see if i can make it wait so there was a section of the cemetery that was like like undeveloped it was like uh dirt piles yeah yeah it was right next to the

cemetery it was in the cemetery so there was like people grieving like 50 yards away sure yeah just bawling their eyes out like questioning everything they believe in and we were just on bmx bikes just hitting dirt jumps like falling and like screaming penis you fucking never thought about it man i was never like in my head i was never like oh this is fucked up yeah when i was a kid i never i never really considered how i was being a nuisance yeah to a lot of people yeah just do shit like that a lot what type of shit like what were you into when you were uh like like like skateboarding oh shit you know what's Did you shred? What's up? You shred?

I'm all right. Fucking shred, bro? I'm not going to get ahead of myself here. I'm all right. Did you guys have a skate park there? They built it when I was in high school, I think. And I was kind of not skating anymore. Yeah.

I think I was like 17 or 18. Did you skateboard around the neighborhood? Yeah, just around the neighborhood with my friends. We'd just go places and and now i'm like a little older and i still love skateboarding but if people are skating around me i'm just like you fucking oh yeah i just get pissed me off yeah there is that new anger uh component to like being in this in the city it's fucking out of heart attack dude i'm trying to deal with this whole like facial thing right now, dude. I look like I ate out a fucking 90-year-old woman.

It's been going on for like four months, too, dude. What's going on? I have no idea, dude. People are starting to talk shit, though, dude. Yeah? You know, especially on the podcast. I wasn't going to bring it up. I was going to be polite.

No, dude. It's bad, man. It's been going on for like four months. I didn't know if you had sauce on on your, like you've been eating sauce. I wish, dude. Yeah. I wish. That's the problem.

That sauce on my face for four months. Someone's like, yeah, how's the podcast? You had sauce on his face. Have you tried wiping it off? And you're like, no. Has it even occurred to me yet? It's tomato sauce, dude. I'm just eating fucking spaghetti dude

fuck no dude like i don't know what it is man i might need to see a doctor for sure yeah dude i bought dry skin maybe just like moisture ah dude i bought fucking literally been using chapstick which chapstick which doesn't really help actually yeah i think it just masks the problem got neosporin dude i was putting like 40 gallons of neosporin that i got from costco before i went to bed every night that didn't work dude then i went back to costco got some uh fucking moisturizer and dude i put that on and i literally almost started crying it hurt yeah damn that's not good so yeah but it's easy man like if a dude fucking talk shit i'll just be like yeah dude i was eating your mom out that's good

just say it with a straight face too i'm in like one of my polos he's like all right all right all right all right fair is fair yeah so you were you were shredding back in the day do with the boys yeah that was pretty pretty fun you play any sports or no yeah not really i like i like like uh playing like with my friends but as soon as there's like a coach involved and he's like getting mad i'm like this isn't fun at all okay all right do you play sports yeah what do you do uh basketball well i quit basketball uh so bass i mean uh baseball and uh football primarily i played baseball in seventh grade really yeah how'd you feel uh it felt like uh like the man really kind of yeah fuck yeah dude dude little league was the bet i feel like everyone had you have to play yeah

that's where you yeah that stuff was fun i used to i mean i'm like good at sports until there's any stakes involved and then i just fuck up a lot i used to get hit in the face with the like people just throw me the ball and i just get hit right in the face with the, like, people would just throw me the ball, and I'd just get hit right in the face. Holy shit. I'd just miss it. I don't know how, like, that's every time. So it was just more of, like, a hand-eye coordination thing? Like, I would just get nervous. I'm good at it.

When I'm just playing catch, I'm good at it. I can throw hard, too. But as soon as someone's like, all all right just focus on the ball i'm like all right so you're you're good when it doesn't matter is what you're saying yeah under pressure you're like fuck yeah yeah no i feel like man i used to feel that way a lot like my my grandfather would come to watch the game and be like oh fuck dude anytime anyone's washing dude especially if it was a chick i remember like when i was in fucking little league dude just like or a middle school baseball dude i remember like my crush came

to one of the games dude i fucking blew out my arm like i was throwing as hard as i could i think i fucking tore like three ligaments in my fucking ass dude that's the worst man like my brother was uh he's like a year older than me or grade above me and he's like he was a great baseball player really and so when i tried out in uh seventh grade all the during tryouts i was like horrible the worst but my coach was like you're a timothy i know i know when push comes to shove, the skills are going to come out. And then all season, he would pull me aside and be like, what's going on, man?

Your brother's great. I'm not my brother, dude. That's so funny, dude. I always found it fascinating, like, the people. I mean, I get it if you didn't like sports, you know what I mean? But the people who fucking hated people who played sports, it's like, dude, I don't even, you know. All my friends are baseball players. It's like, dude, I barely like sports, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But the people who fucking hated people who played sports, it's like, dude,

I don't even, you know, all my friends are baseball players. It's like, dude, I barely like this man. Like, don't put this on me,

dude. You know what I'm saying? Like, so just learning a skill that you're not. Yeah. It's like, dude, this is all working shit.

I'm just trying to like somehow make friends, dude. This is, that's all this is. I don't care what happens during the game. Like, you know what I mean? I just don't want to get punched in the fucking nuts.

Yeah. Did you care about, uh, like losing? Did that upset you? Uh, when I was younger, man, I was really lazy and I didn't care much about, like I pretended to care, but I didn't really feel it deep inside of my nuts, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. When I was like a senior in high school, that's when I started to kind of like feel, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had friends I remember who, like losing, I mean, even in like eighth grade baseball, they would freak the fuck out. I couldn't handle it. And I was like, dude, I'm actually just happy to not be on the field anymore.

No, I've, I don't care that we lost. I was also the guy who would... The rule was, if they didn't play you in the last game, they'd have to start you. So they would put me in for the last inning of every game.

Oh, shit. So they wouldn't ever have to start me. Damn. And if we were ever tied, I would lose the game. I would fuck up something. Yeah. Lose the game.

So I would... Maybe like seven out of 12 games, I lost them. Shit, dude. I was the person that fucked up. That's tough, man. And people would be pissed at me and I'm like, I don't care. Yeah. I'm sorry.

He's just like a single tear rolling down your eye. You're like, I don't fucking care. I didn't like, I don't know, man. Like we would, I think in middle school, like, middle school was the first time you went from, like, a small Little League field that you see on, like, the Little League World Series to, like, a big major league field. And, like, the first day, dude, I literally drew a penis going from first base to second base that took up the entire infield. That was, like was the first thing i did yeah with my cleats and i was like super proud of that yeah but when it came time to like actually perform i didn't really i cared more about the penis than anything yeah like i'm having

a good work is done here because i dude i made that penis yeah and then i looked at the second baseman and i was like you see that shit you know like that was rock and then I looked at the second baseman, and I was like, you see that shit? You know? Like that was. Rocked in the face for the ball you weren't looking at. Like everyone thinks the game. I mean, the games do kind of matter, but it's like it's all about the camaraderie, dude. Like that's the stuff you remember, you know?

The game isn't just about the ball hitting the bat, you know? It's about the dicks you draw on the field. That's what it's about, dude. Yeah. It's about the boys gathering around one of those dicks and having a good laugh yeah any good team dude has camaraderie you know yeah like dude if you're on a shitty team where everyone hates each other even if you win it's not gonna be like it's not fun yeah it's like it's fun if you and your friends pull something off together yeah like dude if you're going to china buffet with the team

and fucking taking shits in the parking lot, dude, that's what it's all about, man. You know what I'm saying? Fuck, this is sports. That should be a Nike commercial. Yeah. Just fellas taking shits in a circle in the parking lot of China Buffet. Just do it.

Yeah. It just dwindles, though, man. I feel like that can brought, like, everyone just starts to get, kind of you know either whipped or like serious and you're like i get it now yeah yeah i get that i mean i i think we're lucky because we get like a stand-up i feel that camaraderie with with stand-ups really yeah not all of them but yeah because you got your boys people around you establish like a a fucking circle dude yeah yeah yeah i just you know and it's just fun to talk to if i meet a comedian in another city it's like we kind of have a little thing to go yeah i wish i felt that man i'm still trying to feel that yeah yeah i think until people

like uh get to know me yeah it doesn't usually happen you know probably just because of like how i look you know they're like he's confused and he might kill me you know so like first first interaction usually isn't that great but yeah you know it happens i've had horrible interactions with all my comedian friends at first yeah and it's just i had like a weird feeling about him then i was like oh no everyone's just strange that does this, you know? Yeah. Everyone's human, man. That's what.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of figure out. Yeah. You know, the worst is like those fucking comics who walk around with their fucking dicks hanging out. Yeah. It's like, dude, fucking chill out, man.

You're not supposed to be cool doing this, you know? You gotta kind of be a fucking idiot. Yeah. It's like, dude, we all like dedicated our lives to this. Yeah. We're all gonna die alone like just chill out man you know i take it way too seriously yeah it's like dude even if you make it on your own like you're gonna have no one to share anything with yeah what's the point you're

just gonna be successful and lonely i don't get it man it's like those people who are like afraid to like share other people's stand-up you know like if a funny clip, I will be like, okay, this is funny. I will share this to the world so the world knows. A lot of people are like, nah, fuck that, dude. Me versus me. It's like, dude. Yeah, that's the silly way to go about it. It's not as competing at all.

It's just fucking jokes. I think about that a lot, dude. Comedy is nowhere even moderately close. It's the sports. Yeah. Yeah. It's just fucking jokes. I think about that a lot, dude. Like, comedy is, like, nowhere even moderately close. It's the exact opposite. Yeah. It's funny. Like, a lot of people just have a competitive mindset. That just keeps them grounded, I guess.

It keeps them, like, chasing something. But there's, like, no competition. Yeah. It's like, dude, you could fucking, you could go to a show and murder, dude. Yeah. You could make people just fucking piss laughing and then another dude could go up after you bomb and he has four other shows that night dude you're gonna go home dude you're gonna eat a vegetable pizza and you're gonna fucking cry yourself to sleep dude yeah that's how i punish myself with a vegetable pizza i get the meat lovers oh really if really? If I'm killing it. Oh, meat lovers?

Fuck it. I fuck with the vegetable, dude. Yeah? There's just so much fucking veggies on it, dude, that it really fills you up. Like what? What veggies? All of them, dude. Fuck yeah.

I straight up go throw everything on that shit. Yeah, yeah. Like, hell yeah. That's nice. That'll fill you up, dude. Yeah, I bet. Veggie, dude. Fuck that.

I like that. I've been eating, like, I make my, dude. Fuck, man. I like that. I've been eating like, I put, I make my own pizzas and every once in a while I'll do like a, I'll do like zucchini, mushrooms, and like saute the zucchini like Benihana.

This is all in your apartment, dude? Yeah. Damn, bro. It's good. Fuck, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you make your own pizza? You just buy the dough and then? You just buy the dough at a pizzeria.

Really? Yeah, you just ask them. I used to work at a pizzeria. And a lot of people, I didn't know you could do this until I worked there. People would just go in and be like, can I just have all the parts of the pizza? Shit. They weren't like offended at all?

What's that? They weren't offended at all? No. It's just like, they're like, oh, I guess you want to do it at home. And then they just like upcharge them, you know? Yeah. First week here, I went to, I ate a lot of meat. And I didn't know where to shop. i went to i ate a lot of meat and i didn't know where to shop i went to this deli down the road and i was like hey how's it going uh i was like

can i have 10 pounds of chicken and this dude was like what and i was like can don't know like just the like he looked dude he was like super confused and i was like yeah man like i just eat a lot of meat like um i you know can you hook me up and he was like yeah we don't do that here man and i was like all right you have to go to a farm like in my head i thought they gotta go to the purdue chicken torture facility you want 10 pounds dude i was so confident walking into i thought they just had all the chicken in the back and they were just like yeah we'll fucking hook you up man i thought they were gonna like upcharge that's do you have you ever bought that much chicken at once before

yeah for sure man really not i don't know about 10 pounds, but... That's a lot of fucking chicken. Like sliced chicken breast? Like chicken tits. Chicken... Damn, dude. Yeah. Juicy chicken tits.

Yeah, man. Now I just buy the Purdue chicken nuggets. Eat like 15 at a time, dude. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, they're good, man. They're not even that bad for you either. Pretty low calorie. No.

I mean, I'm probably going to die in like five days, but like, dude, it's fucking worth it, man. You stop eating them and your mouth clears up. Yeah. You're eating chicken pussies, dude. It's definitely not good for you, man. No. I go into Costco and I buy like four bags of those things. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how much is in. That would be a pound each maybe. Yeah. No, definitely more than that. Three pounds. So I actually have 12 pounds. yeah so i technically have 12 pounds of chicken in my fridge right now just nugget style yeah yeah yeah throw some ketchup on that bitch dude i feel like you're at fucking mcdonald's dude you know what you got to do you got to get the like chicken thighs i don't know if you like

stuff with bones in it yeah but you get the chicken thighs because then it it cooks really nicely in the oven you just eat it like a fucking viking fuck dude yeah really good that's what i i always try to cook man i'll cook for like two days and i'll be i can't do this anymore i fuck this yeah i just i'll just eat chicken there's just no there's no passion for me yeah or patience yeah i don't know what it is man i always just get when by the time i'm done cooking i'm not hungry anymore because I just eat while I'm cooking. Yeah. I used to make pizzas too, man, but I would just, it would just be like a dumb pizza.

It would just be like fucking, it would just be like the most like discombobulated pizza. Yeah. And I would just end up just like throwing it in my mouth. Wow. Like there was, it was offensive, man. Yeah. I mean, you're not not gonna make like a you know yeah pop-up pizza pies type pizza yeah it was just like a small like stop and shop style like

yeah yeah pizza man but uh i used to work at a pizzeria too man and i would watch them make the pizzas and i wasn't uh skilled enough to be one of the cooks but i was a delivery driver yeah same dude so really yeah dude delivery driver how long awesome job yeah dude i did it for two years dude anyone out there who's thinking about being a delivery driver should for sure be a delivery driver yeah dude it's a great job i uh so i dropped out of college after two months and i went home and i just started delivering pizzas and people would come home from college and they just they would feel bad for me i could tell and i'm like dude i'm living the dream right now i have the best job i've ever had yeah i make it all cash did they did they make free pizza did you work the night shift or during the day

uh both yeah you know i wasn't really doing comedy back then i was just just doing that and then i'd just have cash and i'd do it when i comedy back then i was just just doing that and then i'd just have cash and i'd do it when i'm day off i would just drive around yeah go up to rhode island a lot because i had a friend who went to school up there oh yeah i just drive up to rhode island for two days and come back and deliver more pizzas yeah dude just go to rhode island smash some titties dude come back and deliver some fucking pizzas dude some new england titties hell yeah dude how old are you i'm 24 now oh shit i mean i'm 26 so i mean i could have possibly seen you and dude maybe fucking we saw each other once yeah we could

and we just like nothing processed you were just a regular guy to me dude i've been up there since i started doing comedy i've been to providence like four times to do uh the george yeah it's a good room man yeah yeah i like i like that place i like everyone up there i like jimmy jimmy jimmy james you know yeah he's been on the podcast yeah he's a man jay dog shout out jimmy james shout out jay dog dude yeah yeah yeah no dude i uh i delivered when i was in college i uh it was my first time living in an apartment. Yeah. Yeah, man, I remember... I feel like the owners of pizza shops

are always fucking dicks, man. You know? My boss was the best. Really? I love her. Was he Italian? A lady. Yeah, she was Italian, yeah.

Yeah. Not from Italy, Italian, but, like, Long Island fucking. Yeah. I'll shout in your face. This guy was actually... This guy was Portuguese, and he was, was like the biggest dick I've ever met. And I remember one day, he would always talk shit about me.

Yeah. Because he said I was doing the dishes wrong. And I was like, dude, fuck you. Like, I get paid $3 an hour. Dude, one day I called him the Antichrist in the back room. dude one day i called him the antichrist in the back room and he like all of a sudden had a mood change like we had a heart to heart and he was like all right man i get it like dude he gave me gave me a raise just like let me work whatever shift i wanted to just because you called him the antichrist yeah i think he was just like one

of those guys that like if you talk back to him he'll like he'll respect you yeah what was he religious at all like did that have probably significance to him maybe dude now that i think you said the antichrist he was like oh i fucking dude i fucking i've lost my way i gotta get back on the path i casted a fucking spell on him for real he lost his powers man damn yeah dude he would always like take me in the back room and show me the island his family's from and i'd be like i don't give a shit dude like i thought i don't know why i thought that was like a like code for something like he just showed you his ass look at the island dude i called him the antichrist he took me into the back room and just flashed his asshole at me he was like you want to raise yeah this is where my

fucking family's from dude he's like you want a dollar raise now oh dude that'd be fucking hilarious yeah your raise is in here dude look for it dig around in there dude i was i was making bank though dude yeah you make good tips doing that cash and checks dude it was crazy in my town there's like there's a section of like really rich people called the sands point and then there's like just regular people and if i I'd ever delivered a Sands Point, the tips were horrible. Like all these crazy rich people. Like Carlos Beltran lived in my town. He played for the Mets.

Yeah. Him and like just crazy, just super rich people. And I delivered to them like big meals, pizzas, fucking lasagna, whatever. And they'd give me like a dollar, two dollar tip every time. Shit, dude. Anyone else, if I go to regular people, it's like, you know, they throw bills. Yeah. whatever and they'd give me like a dollar two dollar tip every time shit dude anyone else if i go to regular people it's like you know they throw bills yeah they know like they're you know they're tipping well yeah it's great rich people are just like fuck you dude the best is when you

do uh like corporations they have big uh parties and stuff they'll just throw you like a 200 tip yeah dude super bowl sunday people are drinking forget Forget it. Yeah, for sure, dude. I was making bank. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, those were fucking days, man. I missed that. I used to have a truck, too. I had a Dodge Ram 1500 with flames on it.

Oh, shit. So, dude, I wasn't even making any money. I was just doing it for the fucking joy of driving around. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I would drink, like, a Cumberland Farms coffee that I got for, like, a dollar. Fuck, yeah. Just take, like, four shits a shift. Dude, I would shit on my shift too, but it was like the bathroom was in the kitchen and the kitchen was really small.

Yeah. So I would shit and try to do it quietly and then the cooks who were all Spanish would just start screaming about how they could smell my shit. And it was like ruining the food. I was like 18. I was like, it just felt so bad. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude. Uh, at this age, are you just gassing it up when you sit down and take a shit? Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm not even nervous anymore. Yeah.

Dude, I'm not turning back at all, man. If I have to, I'm like so comfortable with it now. I'm like, if I'm shitting, I have, it is, has to happen. You know, it's not turning back at all, man. I'm so comfortable with it now. I'm like, if I'm shitting, it just has to happen.

It's not my fault. Dude, it's so funny because, dude, I take some shits where it's like... I've had some shits, dude, where I just fucking unload in a JC Penney and the guy next to me is just like, dude. I took a shit on a plane once. And you know when you're home and you take a shit and you just take your shirt off? What? I did that on the plane.

It was hot on the plane. I just took my shirt off and took a sweaty shit and then put my shirt back on. Just no shame. Leaving the door open when I walk out. You got to air it out, guys. Come on. Dude, what are those bathrooms like?

Are they like a train bathroom too? Yeah. I mean, they're like cleaner than a train bathroom. Just like a tinfoil fucking circle. Yeah, pretty much. But there's like a, they can't risk anything loose. So that the suction when you flush is fucking crazy. If you stayed on the toilet when you flushed, it would suck your asshole out.

Fucking hydrology. Just shoot it out of the plane. Oh, that's wild, man. Yeah, dude. When I was in college, I was a... Dude, I joined like the finance club. Okay. I was like, I mean, still am retarded, but I don't know.

They let anyone in. i was like i mean still am retarded but i don't know they let anyone in and uh dude they they had me do this internship where you were managing like live money you were managing like the school's like endowment fund or whatever oh it's like a legitimate gig yeah yeah so like the first week they used to have this thing called the finance lab it was just a room of computers and that was where the internship took place so everyone worked in there so like the first week dude i was like i was a little bit buzzed i had like six beers just let fucking anyone in yeah i was like i was pretty drunk man i had like six beers and i totally forgot i had to put in my

hours for this internship yeah yeah so i run to the building uh that the the lab's in dude i take a massive shit on that floor dude i go to wipe and i literally just like wiped my ass with my hand and dude i was so drunk I had no idea so I walk in the computer lab and I sit down next to this girl and I'm like I'm typing up like a report and I'm like dude it smells like fucking shit I just looked down and my hands

were fucking just full of shit hands like a stick into the keyboard oh dude i ran to the bathroom so fast man oh my god yeah she didn't say anything dude but dude i was like i was like i almost said like did you fucking rip dude like it was so toxic dude do you imagine having no shame? Look at someone just shit all over your hands. Did you fucking fart, dude? Did you fucking? I'm right here. You're just six deep. Smell like shit and beer.

Smell like Budweiser, dude. I don't think I would say anything. I'd be like, this guy is completely unhinged, dude. I can't address this. He's going to kill me. Yeah. If there was more people there, would have just dropped out dude there's no coming back from that man no that's the tough one i feel like she probably knew she probably just didn't say

yeah that's a tough uh that's a tough way to i mean you know like i have friends who are like teachers now and i'm always like what's like the like what's do you not like about that job is it just like annoying grading papers and stuff and they're like no like i'm dealing with just animals these kids are animals like my one friend works at a middle school and he's like the first day there the principal was like you should wear like a belt with a lot of keys on it so that if you ever go into a stairwell you can shake the keys and the kids will just stop having sex and you don't have to talk to them about it dude i can't even imagine having uh sex in a school man and like at that age what age is this is high school?

Middle school. Holy shit. So they're not having, they're just like giving each other hand chops and shit. Really? I guess.

Fuck. They're just, you know, being weird middle school kids. Yeah. Just touching. Strictly HGAs, dude. Yeah, man, I can't even imagine

that in middle school. Like where I was from, that's unheard of, man. I think one dude, he had like a a longtime girlfriend and he went into a classroom after hours and i think he got a blow job but they they were like in love with each other oh this was like nice yeah and then like uh closest thing to that man we would just like pants each other in front of the cheerleading squad it's really it though man i can't even imagine just fucking getting blown off no it's fucking nuts yeah there's a kid in my high school

who was uh he's like schizophrenic i think yeah because i've seen him by the train station he's always like jfk or whatever and he was uh one time a girl like ran into a classroom upset and i won't say his name but we were everyone's like what's wrong and she's like you know this guy he was fucking jerking off in the stairwell and his dick was so big like crying and then a couple weeks later i walked into a bathroom and he was standing like in front of a stall but like away from it just pissing like three feet away and his dick was fucking really huge and he turned when i walked in because i scared him and his dick swung and hit the divider holy between the urinals and it was it was like flap whoa and

we looked at each other for a second and i was just i'm like i was i'm gonna go to a different yeah he's like yeah wow how many inches do you think it was like 12 like 13 whoa it was i've never seen a dick this big jesus christ porn or anything yeah it was fucking it looked like a giant like a clam with the tongue sticking out it looked like one of those yeah it's really you think he was on the wrestling squad we had a dude uh yeah it's like i bring the wrestling coach into the bathroom like you gotta check this out dude we got a ringer in here dude there was a dude uh on the wrestling squad at my school and he had the same issue like his dick was just too big yeah he would have to ice his dick before matches really Really? Yeah. I don't know why he wouldn't just wear a fucking cup. Well, I mean, if you wore a cup with a fucking honker, dude,

it'd look like you were in another sport. Just wearing a helmet over your fucking dick, dude. Imagine just wearing a caged helmet during a wrestling match on your dick, dude. You could use that as a fucking weapon, dude. Yeah, for real. Yeah. For real? Yeah. That's tough for a fucking...

If you're, like, a, you know, high school-aged person, you're nervous about your puberty and your body and stuff, and then you have to wrestle and just wear, like, the goofiest, tightest outfit ever and just show your dick to the school. Yeah, I mean, dude, that's already crazy in general, just wearing spandex and having like the entire school see your piece. Yeah. And then you're wrestling another man.

Yeah. Like that's fucking badass, you know? But at the same time, it's also like, you know, super confusing. Oh, yeah. It's terrifying. Yeah. Like, dude, especially like the walkout, dude. You're running out with the squad to fucking build me up buttercup.

You have like a fucking quarter chop and you just see like your whole family and then like a chick you have a crush on right next. It's like how do you even process that emotionally, dude? Yeah, that's too much. Especially losing a match. Even if you had a great match and you win, you must go home at the end and lay in your bed and be like, this is fucking overstimulated today. Yeah.

There's a lot of shit happening. Imagine inviting a girl to like a wrestling match, dude. Dude. And then getting pinned. Yeah. Imagine how small your dick is when you're getting pinned. You're like faces on the mat and you're looking at her like... If I was in that situation, dude,

I feel like I would just start throwing hands. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just start throwing fucking uppercuts. This isn't about winning at wrestling now. I would just start throwing uppercuts at myself, dude. Like, I would just be like, this isn't for me, man.

Yeah. I always wanted to wrestle, though, dude, just to say that I'm a wrestler. Yeah. Because wrestlers are pretty badass, man. Yeah, it's fucking tough. Yeah. My friend who was a wrestler, the reason I was really turned off by it was the cutting weight. Yeah.

At the beginning of the season when you'd have to do a weigh-in, he looked horrible. He was so gaunt. Oh, yeah. It was terrifying. I remember seeing all those dudes in Spanish class. They just looked like skeletons. And they'd be like, I fucking hate this shit, man. Yeah, I'm like, are you going to be like a professional wrestler?

And they're like, no. Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah, they're like, dude, I'm doing this for my fucking family, dude. Are you like paying for them somehow? No. It's fucking family tradition. I'm just doing it.

Yeah, but even like the funniest thing was like I played rugby in college, and dude, if you recorded rugby tryouts, dude, you would laugh your fucking ass off, dude. Because nobody knows what they're doing, so it's a bunch of dudes running around the field like trying to figure it out and like dude you would do tackling and like you have no pads on and like wrestlers were super good at tackling because they used to do like single legs and like double leg takedowns yeah and then there were other kids who didn't wrestle and dude they would just run into people full speed with their head down just get massive concussions like right on the field and they would just leave like damn they would just drop like flies man so dude if you got that on video it would be super entertaining to watch like just the most amount of concussions in a limited amount of time like you've ever seen

yeah yeah that's fucking did you ever get your bell run like that Like just the most amount of concussions in a limited amount of time like you've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking. Did you ever get your bell run like that? Yeah. I think I got like, I was pretty lucky, man. I never like, maybe when I was younger, I probably did and I just didn't notice. Yeah.

I remember like losing weight for like a peewee football game and like on the kickoff, I ran into this dude as hard as I could. And I just blacked out like hit me so fucking hard, dude. I just blacked out. And like the whole game, I thought I was in like a fucking another dimension. I had the same thing with,

uh, in little league. I asked, I was just being proactive one day and I was like, I'm going to like invest into this game. And I asked the coaches, like, I want to try being the catcher. I never done it before my catch he's like yeah

whatever i don't care i don't even know how to play baseball and then he so he put me he had me catch for one inning and i just got too close to the plate and the batter just hit me the back of the head and knocked me out and then i was the coach woke me up and he's like uh you want to like keep it going i was like yeah and he goes out look at him uh you're a man yeah the umpire didn't say anything no the umpire didn't give a shit the umpire was just some fucking like you know it's just like a 23 year old kid who works at a gas station yeah usually they'll tell you you know like back up a little a 23-year-old kid who works at a gas station. Yeah, usually they'll tell you, you know, like, back up a little bit. Just playing with its nipples and not even looking at the fucking game.

He's just rock hard, dude. He's just waiting to yell strike three, dude. Every pitch is a strike. Yeah, umpires are fucking ass wipes, man. Some of them are cool, man. Crazy to get into that. I knocked out an umpire are fucking ass wipes man some of them are cool man i actually get into that to be like i knocked out uh i knocked out an umpire once really and how old were you i think i was in third grade and they were like do you want to pitch and i was like yeah sure and i dude

i was so fat but i had a fucking slingshot for an arm yeah and the catcher dude should not have been catching the worst catcher ever dude barely know how to catch a ball yeah we're in the middle of a game dude i throw a pitch the catcher doesn't even move doesn't move his glove to catch it dude it hits the umpire right in the dome he falls to the ground unconscious dude he woke he woke up, like, a few minutes later, and he goes, where the fuck am I? Dude, it was insane. It was wild.

My friend was on the other team, and he was, like, in tears laughing. That's awesome. That's, I mean, if you ever, like, face another team, they're all whispering in the dugout, like, that guy fucking, that guy's pitching? He knocked out the umpire. Yeah.

It was my first time ever pitching, too. That's crazy. Yeah, in the majors, dude. They called me up. Yeah, dude. I was, dude, I was so proud, man. Yeah. Just to fucking do it.

Do you ever throw in, like, a radar gun thing? You ever see how fast you can throw? I've never. I think I, yeah. I wasn't like operating the Ishne, but. Sure. Yeah, one time. Dude, the ones that actually work are like fucking $600.

Yeah. So. Yeah, I think the fastest I've ever got gunned at was like 83. Yeah. I was just throwing literally as hard as i fucking ripping your arm out of your shoulder that's what everyone does dude they whip out the radar gun everyone just starts throwing their arm out they're like dude that's only 75 like dude i throw fucking 90 it's like no you don't dude yeah 83 was like me like literally like if i was about to die

somebody put a gun to my head and was like dude throw as hard as you fucking can yeah i think i thought my hardest i've ever thrown is like 78 or something my brother i think he hit like 90 one time yeah it's pretty cool yeah i've seen a 98 mile an hour slider and i was just like yeah dude i'm good just felt like the pitcher was like touching my head. The first time I was batting and I faced a guy who was throwing that hard, he was throwing like 91. Jesus. And I was just like, I have no business being here, dude. What am I doing?

This guy is shooting a gun at me right now. It's so crazy man that's crazy when people like take sports seriously too when they're like barely athletic it's like dude when you see real athleticism you're like okay yeah you can't even learn that yeah when you see what fast really is you're like all right i'm just gonna go to the library dude i'm gonna bow out yeah join the finance club. Join a different career path, dude. It was what you were saying before about you have like sleep paralysis. Yeah.

I have a lot of sleep problems. Yeah. Like insomnia, like real insomnia. Wait, what is insomnia? Just not sleeping. Oh, shit. Not able to sleep. I mean, the past, I guess this is day three now,

where I haven't slept more than like an hour a night. Yeah, holy shit, man. Just keep waking up. That's probably good for comedy though, dude, right? It is, in a weird way. Yeah. Because I'll get on stage and I'll just fucking look like a mess.

And the shit that comes out of my mouth is like unfiltered. I won't have any governor to be like that. I don't say that. I'll just say whatever. What do you think it's from i don't know maybe just being nervous yeah you're like anxiety or something yeah i guess i'm talking to a lot of people anxiety recently yeah i'm not not like diagnosed or anything i think i don't like have a does like i just i'm nervous i'm just a nervous guy yeah i think it's like a natural thing yeah i feel that you know yeah it's for sure natural dude i think people are afraid to admit that though Yeah. I think it's like a natural thing. Yeah. To feel that, you know? Yeah. It's for sure natural, dude.

I think people are afraid to admit that though, dude. You know? Yeah. It's just, I feel like, you know, I'm supposed to be like in a lot of more life or death situations and I'm not. Really? As in like, you know, I should be like hunting animals and they're hunting me or something. Like survival of the fittest type shit?

Yeah. But I'm never in a situation like that if i ever if i am ever on a train alone and there's a crazy person and i have to like deal with them or be aware of them yeah i sleep fine after that wow because it like gets the that moment out yeah it's like i'm supposed to live that moment and then it'll like get all that out of my system for the day yeah i mean dude like so you feel like you should be like killing livestock with a bow and arrow right now oh yeah i mean do i feel that way all the time bro i think that's pretty normal man yeah well dude what else uh what else are you doing i'm not being offensive i'm just saying like comedy is super difficult what are you doing i'm not being offensive i'm just saying like comedy's super difficult what are you

doing to cope with that uh like mushrooms i like mushrooms that like jerking off yeah sure that might be it having a good time with myself you know yeah but dude that's uh one hour man like legitimately one hours you're saying one hour that's yeah it's weird because i'll feel i'll feel really tired yeah and i'll lay down and sometimes what happens is i'll be i'll feel myself falling asleep and i'll just get excited like i'm falling asleep for real and then i just won't fall asleep because i'm too excited you don't even think you're in like rem i don't think i ever get into rem fuck man yeah it's like it's pretty brutal and every like once in a while i'll just be i'll hit like a point where i'm just so exhausted that i'll sleep like 14 hours or something yeah no man i can't sleep the hard truth man is like dude if i'm doing shit all the time,

if I'm super busy, dude, and I'm doing difficult shit that I don't want to do, dude, I sleep like a fucking saint, man. It's amazing. But if I'm just laying there with my own thoughts and I'm like, I'll do that tomorrow, dude, it's a fucking, it's bad, man. You know? And that was a lot when i moved here dude i was just kind of sitting there and just being like on the weekends especially man i would just be sitting there in my own thoughts i'd be drinking like fucking six beers by myself and i would just be wiping your ass with your hand yeah dude i would just like i would get into these like really bad fucking swirls man and then i was just like dude. I would just like, I would get into these like really bad fucking swirls, man.

And then I was just like, dude, you got to fucking start like doing, like even if I'm just like cleaning shit, you know. Yeah, you just got to do stuff. Yeah, you just got to do shit, man. Or like work and like run around. Yeah, dude. Movement is medicine, man. For sure.

Fucking hell yeah, dude. You go to the gym at all or no? I just work out in my house. Really? I have weights in my house and a yoga mat. In your apartment? In my apartment. I mean, my kitchen is like a big square, so I have room to do that there.

And if I go to the gym, though, I get nervous around people. Yeah. If I make eye contact with anyone in a gym, I have to leave. Yeah. No, I feel that, man. I'm just like now that they're watching me work out and they're like, he's doing it wrong. Yeah. Now I feel that, man. I'm just like, now that they're watching me work out and they're like, he's doing it wrong.

Yeah, no, I feel that, man. Yeah, dude, the gym is a good place for anxiety for sure,

man. Yeah, you know what I do like is the, I'll go to like a rock climbing gym every now and then. Oh yeah? And that's good because everyone's facing the wall.

Yeah, dude, that's, if I had any upper body strength at all, I'd probably go there. I've heard great things about the rock climbing gyms. you don't have any upper body strength? What do you mean?

I'm not really good at, like, pull-ups and shit. I can do, like, five pull-ups maybe if my life depended on it. But I know that if I went to a rock climbing gym, like, I feel like I would fucking tear my, like, you know. I'd probably tear my fucking forearms, dude. It's really easy to, like, fuck yourself up. I mean, dude, granted, when I do go to the gym, I'm maxing out on fucking wrist curls. But I don't think that would, like, translate. Rock climbing is super fucking hard, man.

It's not, like, a joke. I feel like it's, like. No, it's not. You don't want to fucking go on a date with, like, a 300-pounder to a rock climbing gym. That's just cruel. It's like saying, yeah, you wouldn't want to bring an armless girl to the rock climbing gym. Yeah. You know? That's just cruel it's like say yeah you wouldn't want to bring in an armless girl to the rock climbing gym yeah you know that's just mean it's super hard man yeah but yeah i think i've uh yeah especially like me you've been here for two years yeah about yeah and before that i would just

commute just training yeah finding a hobby was tough man but i've honestly just been like chilling with bob dude going to the gym and playing call of duty and doing comedy man and that's my life dude and i've accepted that dude i feel you know honestly dude fucking uh my brother gave me his xbox and i gotta get the get rid of that thing really me and my roommate just play zombies all the time yeah i was gonna say man like we should fucking get after it. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Play some duos, dude.

For sure. Yeah. That's a lifestyle, man. Yeah. That's the whole thing. You want to talk about camaraderie, dude?

My brothers on the worldwide web. We're just skipping fucking shows to play fucking call of duty, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anything else you want to talk about no dude it was a pleasure to meet you man yeah good time sitting down this is solid talk man yeah we had some

good laughs dude for sure and uh like i said it's a pleasure to meet you man yeah yeah um if you have anything you want to say to the people dude i'm sure we'll see each other around but yeah i mean you're gonna do my show tomorrow right is it tomorrow tomorrow at 6 p.m oh i thought it was like the next week no tomorrow oh for sure man yeah yeah just don't show up yeah for sure dude never in a million years thanks for coming dude uh you know put the link uh to all your shit yeah all right video dude but uh run a show every sunday at 6 p.m at the grizzly pear he's gonna be on it tomorrow fuck yeah dude all right fuck you that was a lot of fun man thanks Thank you.