The Johnny Salami Podcast - Jay Martin

Episode Date: May 29, 2022

Jay Martin by The Johnny Salami Podcast

The first time I hosted, I was 20 years old, dude. And it was at a legitimate club in Rhode Island. And this dude was talking to me backstage before I went up. And he was like, how you doing, man? I was like, I'm literally about to shit myself. Like, I'm so nervous. He was like, dude, you got this, bro. Like, this is all you.

And he did a fucking great job of, like, getting me mentally prepped. And he goes, yeah, man, like, me mentally prepped and uh he goes uh yeah man like you got this bro i believe in you so i go up there and uh i like do my set like i don't bomb i go to bring this guy up this guy's 50 dude his whole family's there he's like kids like no he's not kids but like his whole family was there like he told me that he was like dude i got like 10 15 of my family members so i go to bring him up and i just go uh i was like this next guy fucks and uh i look over and he's like nah like he was dude he was distraught he was devastated what did he say to you after anything he didn't talk to me after that was it man i think like

it's definitely important to be good at hosting and like that's like seems especially when it's like host feature headliner but it is like i don't know i think there's a reason that some people don't aren't good at it and then you hear like people are just good at hosting like they're like the best like energy bring it up i just i don't know i don't know how to get the energy oh yeah you should never have to change who you are it's hot yeah the booker should be like i know who this guy is yeah he's you know the serious young man dude and then someone was like recently to me i think it i don't know where it was but they were like hey you don't have to launch right into uh your material you can like do some crowd work so i walked in and there was

outside of laugh there was like like an Amelia Earhart, like women's history month, like sign. So I just go up and I go, I'll do crowd work. And I go, you guys see that Amelia Earhart sign. She got fucking lost. And they were like,

and then in my head, I go, this isn't crowd work at all, dude. This is just me making fun of Amelia Earhart and almost writing a bit that I've never told. And then I was like, anyway,

I have a girlfriend. I'm going to go right back into my jokes. And I'm like, this is not crowd work. I don't know what to say I'm always like you guys hear about this show on like the computer yeah I mean crowd works basically like being in a coma I used to do it more but I would always did it dude we uh I did a show at uh Bryant University dude which is like a super liberal yeah I know that place uh and uh it wasn't for like the whole school. It was for the football team.

So there's just these fucking massive dudes just like so hard to make laugh. And I was like super young, but I just felt like I was in a coma, dude. And like in the middle of my set, I saw this dude and I was like, is that your water boy? And it was like a legitimate player. So everyone was like, holy shit. Did they laugh? Everyone was like, literally,

dude, kids were having like brain agendas because they were like, that's the one kid that everyone on the team hates. That's awesome. I picked him off. Nobody told me,

like I just, my eyes were set on him. I was like, is that your fucking water boy? I was like, this kid looks like he's fucking 12. And this kid was like from New Jersey, dude.

He was like, fuck you. Fuck you. So, dude, long story short, dude, I made him cry, bro. No way. Yeah, dude. Did he leave? He cried? No, he like legitimately cried.

I mean, that guy was going to cry that night no matter what happened. Like somehow he was like ready to cry. It was super confusing, man. Especially at that age. I was like, oh, you know how to laugh it off. I'll be like, don't just bust your balls. But he was like ready to cry it was it was super confusing especially at that age i was like oh you know he'll laugh it off i'll be like don't just bust your balls but he was like crying and like the team was like shitting on him too fucking blood on your hands his nickname was uh sharpie dick uh i guess like the team like they would uh they would write names on each other's cocks and like when it came his turn like you couldn't fit like his name on his dick so they

would call him sharpie dick it's funny for them to be like you're so weird we can't write on your cock it's like we're writing on each other's dicks dude you gotta be normal like us what dude you're not gay bro yeah dude you're not fucking like gonna let us draw on your dick weirdo what are you a homophobe dude i did crowd work one time and it's because these kids were so loud at uh six gear and i was just like they were hammered and i was like i started in on them too quick because i was like waiting to do it because every they were just being such dicks and i remember being like uh hey why are you wearing a jacket you wear a winter coat because it was like 75 out and the kids like it's rain

it's raincoat and i go it's 75 out and then everyone started making fun of him but then his friends like oh you're so fucking funny and i'm like dude all right guys i was just joking around i also don't care about this i don't know crowd work to me i just don't i think i'll some people like have it set up before so they know like what they're gonna say i just don't i don't know i guess i could try later oh yeah i don't i don't think on stage in general me neither dude i'm like thinking about what i think you've done it so we've done so much that i'm almost like thinking about like what i'm gonna eat yeah i'm just naturally in the moment dude i'm thinking about you know fucking tits and shit dude like i'm not thinking about like

especially if i was doing crowd work i wouldn't be like what am i gonna say yeah lately all i've been thinking about is am i looking anywhere near the audience because i think i keep looking like 12 feet in the air and no one's up there so i'm just like scanning over the top i go i'm like a sprinkler i'm like am i looking at anyone you're looking at people's eyes or no no i don't even know where their heads are because i had hideout or something for example it's like so bright in your face and i'm like i feel like they must be like is this kid blind just the way i'm like scanning the room i don't know where to look either when i was there it was it's blind that's why i crashed on the table light was so blinding oh dude it is uh yeah you can't really see anyone

so if someone says something you're just fucking yeah you have to do one of these which i've never even tried to do it's already embarrassing enough yeah yeah i've never uh but i also i would still rather that than like being able to see everyone perfectly like when we i think i had a panic attack when we were doing like daylight, daylight woo-ha-ha, and it was in a tent, and it was, like, 7 o'clock, and it was perfectly light out, and I was just seeing, like, 50-year-old people being like, this kid fucking sucks. Oh, yeah.

When I never used to go to Mike's, and then I would do a show that was really bright, and you could see everyone, I was like, oh, like, you're terrible. Like, I couldn't even, I had to look at, like, the ground. Yeah. Like, if I looked at someone for more than two seconds,'d be like fuck fuck fuck yeah i'm still looking at the ground in between every joke oh yeah i'm just right on the ground every every joke every punchline i just

look at the ground like that didn't work i did notice though that i don't know if this actually works but like sometimes when i really pause like a weird amount you actually will get like an extra laugh because sometimes people like oh there's something wrong with this person this kid has something he's not in a good in good shape have you ever uh have you ever forgotten a joke on stage yeah that was my like breen and dave do you know them dave casiano and andrew breen like when we we all started kind of at very similar times and they knew that i would forget shit just halfway through like i was mostly on mics but they would be like the second i would pause they'd be like you don't remember i'm like dude all right guys i didn't i wouldn't really fuck up like since i started doing shows i've been like pretty careful but at mics yeah i don't know anything

dude uh yeah no i feel you does it happen to you dude when i started like uh there was one mic in cranston rhode island still around and it's it's the most depressing mic you could ever go to and when i started i didn't know it was a mic so i invited people out so like come see you and i was in college dude so i i had more people come yeah so i invited like a bunch of these people to a mic. So the fucking, the guy who runs it was like, dude, you're a fucking god, man. You filled the mic up. And I was like, oh, this is a show.

And he was like, no, this is an open mic, dude. And I went up there and I forgot my jokes, dude. And I didn't know what to do, so I walked in the corner of the stage and, like, farted. Did it kill? No kill no dude nobody laughed and I was like oh sorry I had to let one rip and the bartender like after was like dude you have to come back like yeah you're the best guy we've ever seen I did that at a bar show I didn't I mean it was a very like it was basically an open mic and I brought like 40 people I didn't know we

weren't I thought that was like what everyone did dude i can't believe looking back i did that it's so weird oh yeah those people like got dinner to watch me do like four minutes dude after mine i uh i individually messaged everyone i invited and i was like oh i'll give you your money back they pay yeah wait they had to pay they bought dinner like they bought everyone who went there was like uh bought like full-on meals like beers and stuff i was like i'll pay for your fucking bill dude like you shouldn't have to see that but the the guy who books the open mic was like oh dude this is you coming back next week like you know it's like it is a business like dude there was a did you ever go to antane i don't think you lived up here yet but it was like a it was like the one of the i mean there's still a couple dive bars, but it was like a real dive bar.

Like some guy would just have a backpack filled with drugs the whole time, and people would just go in and out of the bathroom. They must have been buying drugs. But anything went in this bar. People would just bring in McDonald's. Like it didn't fucking matter. And this person one time – I'm doing comedy for four people, and they're like high probably on everything,

and they're just feeding a dog a cheeseburger in the front row and i'm like dude i can't compete with a dog eating a cheese everyone's looking at the dog i have a video of kenny capozzi almost like some guy like screaming at kenny capozzi on stage and dude it's a it's it's a good video i gotta find it you should put that up man i think i might put it on his wall when it happened and i don't know if i gotta respond oh yeah dude you can't i mean dude i went to a mic last week and this is the first time i had been to the mic and i just i just park in this holiday inn parking lot and they're like we will tow you and i'm like fuck it like i don't care anymore uh so i'm like 17th so i go i like walk around and stuff i'm

just messing around and then i go to the mic. And there's one kid in front of me. So I'm like, all right, I have one kid to wait for. So he goes up. And dude, he has a backpack on. And everyone's like, all right, you know, like, why is this kid going up with a backpack? Dude takes out a raw fish. Oh, you were there? Like a legitimate raw fish.

And everyone's like, dude, what the fuck? And he was like, I'm going to eat this shit. And everyone was like, dude, no, please don't. You're in the back like this is actually sick. Dude, it smelled so bad, bro. Oh my God. Like people's eyebrows were literally burning off. It was so fucking bad.

And he was like, I'm going to eat this. And the host was like, please. Like there's an open mic. Don't do it. And he's like, I'm going to take off my shirt. I'm going to fucking eat this. And he took off his shirt and he fucking tried eating it. Just threw up fucking fish guts everywhere, dude.

Is the shirt connected to the fish? I have no idea, dude. This kid obviously has some demons. And I'm watching this like, fuck. And at one point I like turned away. I was like, I can't do this. Like I can't watch this anymore. And there was a dude in the front row, probably like an open mic-er.

And dude, I've never seen someone so upset in my life. Like he honestly, he lost at least five years of his life. He was like, and the owner had to clean it up, dude. That's fucked up. Yeah. I know a bar it is, and that's a cool bar to just go to. And like, honestly, man, if you think about about it like when you tell that story to people they're like dude that's sick like i would have been cheering them on to eat the fish but if you

were there you would have been like this is like the saddest thing ever i went to emerson which is a very weird college like it's just like so artsy that like it's fun it's fun like the classes are crazy like you're making like short films like you're just doing fun stuff but like i was like i can't believe this is college because i'm definitely not gonna use any of this anywhere but there's one class i signed up for and i would only sign up especially senior year like based on when i could just like i just wanted classes at good times i didn't even care what i was taking i just wanted to finish my credits and like be done and i signed up for some like performance art class and i don't know to this day what happens in the class but i guess like you need to be seniors have like first because people want to take the class all four years i'm like i don't know what the class is so i get in there it's like just an open room

it's almost like like a dance studio but i don't know like what where i am and we're going around the circle we're telling like our life story and like these kids all know what the class is i have no clue and they're like just to let you guys know i'm sure many of you know anything that happens in this class stays in here because it's performance art you can do anything you want you can be you'll pair up with other kids you'll be you can be naked you can come in here you can have like pyrotechnics it was almost like some probably like bill burke bill burnham type bo burnham type stuff where like it's like piano people probably doing all types of shit they're like last year three kids put all like the political like figures they don't like in plastic on on like um like big like canvas shopping bags like they post they like glued their faces on them

and then they all just chugged milk and threw up in the bags that was like their project and i literally never went back i just dropped the class i go it sounds sort of fun but i'm not doing this i don't even i don't even know what we're gonna see in here dude it was like a haunted house it was so crazy oh you didn't want to stick around dude like i did but i was just like i don't i don't think i'm ready for this and these kids were like these kids were like foaming at the mouth ready to like do some wild, they're like, we can one-up that. I'm like, dude, I'm not. I feel like all I would have done

was like skateboard and like a circle. That would have been like my project. Because they can't say anything's like wrong, you know? Everything's like, it's art. So there was no, there was no like a fucking criteria, no like policy or guidelines? You could do anything you, they kept, they said that so many times.

Like, where's the bathroom? Like, you can do anything you want. I'm like, I'm not going to the bathroom in here dude it was crazy i i would i i definitely i definitely like pussied out of like seeing like i should have stayed in the class but i was too nervous i was like i don't know what you guys are gonna do like i can't control myself like i don't know everyone's gonna be naked dude i'll start like cracking up wait so like dude i could have like queued up shania twain and like taken a shit on a table. You could have taken a shit and they would have been like, how did you think of that?

Dude, I had a girl. I've told the story already, but on something. But this girl, dude, this was just a regular production class. But it was still like short film, so you could make anything you kind of wanted. And this girl, I remember like did like an experimental type film and she was walking she so she put like images of like someone walking downstairs like images of like clouds like all this shit and it would kind of be on like a loop and then one of the images was just like a big like sheet and then it was like a silhouette of someone sucking someone's dick

oh shit and she must have got like permission from the teacher to do it because someone was like you could ask questions to, like, the director after. So someone was, like, yo, like, that dick part looked really real. How did you, like, how did you do that? And she was, like, well, my boyfriend or my ex-boyfriend goes here. So I just, like, sucked his dick. And I was, like, dude, I started, like, yelling. I was, like, what do you mean?

I couldn't control myself. Everyone else was, like, interesting choice. Sounds like the best class ever. You sucked somebody's dick and we all just watched it. I'm surprised you got into this class, dude. I feel like there would be, like, a high demand to, like, it would be Sounds like the best class ever. You sucked somebody's dick and we all just watched it. I'm surprised you got into this class, dude. I feel like there would be like a high demand to like, it would be like a wait list. That one was actually just like a run of the mill. Dude, a lot of cool stuff could happen at this school.

Yeah. I just didn't, it was just so, like I remember you could double enroll in Berkeley and Emerson. So we had a couple of kids at Berkeley who were just like, I mean, Emerson kids, some of them were weird, but Berkeley kids just seemed like douches. And this one kid, like it was a very clear assignment because some classes were just like, hey, make a movie with like two people in it. And you have to like tell a story and you have to like, I don't know, meet some criteria. And I remember this kid from Berkeley just filmed clouds for the entire time. And the teacher's like, yo, you get an F. Like, what is this? And he's like, what do you mean? you don't understand like what i was going for and she's

like no we had a clear assignment you film clouds for eight minutes we just have to watch that you that's an f so there was some like actual structure but it was a weird place to like kid dude kids used to walk in we'd have a test that a kindergartner could take because i went to unh first so it was like. It was like a normal college. And there was like a test that we had one time, and it was like a camera. Like seven or eight blank lines. All you had to do was say what, like this is the record button,

this is this. Dude, they handed out a test. It was for a first grader. And this girl walks up and goes, I can't take this test. I don't do tests. And they're like, dude, just write six. We've been using this camera for four months. Just write the words down. Dude, I don't know. i'd like to go back it was a weird place yeah are you not you nice with it i like film and stuff uh i did like it was mostly

like writing i feel comfortable more comfortable writing the the cinematography shit is like very technical and like that's like actually like a tangible skill like writing like no one's actually good or bad yeah cinematography some people like press it they play like a flute dude and it's like perfect i don't know how to do that shit i knew how i can like get around it and like make my way around the camera but like i feel like i know what to do just to like direct something the kids who are nice with like buttons and like filming like an ant on like a leaf that's a skill i don't have yeah it sounds like it's pretty impressive man it seems too boring to get into. Yeah. If you ever watch a movie with someone, they're like, you know, and you're like, dude, just

fucking watch it. It has wrecked movies for me because now I'm like, why'd they do that? And my girlfriend's like, can I just finish it? Are there any good movies you can think of where you're like, this fucking sucks, where someone would be like, this is the best shit? Because my favorite movie is Borat, dude. That is a good movie. It was a good production, honestly.

I like that movie. Yeah. I still don't understand what was real and fake in that movie, but I think, like, most of it is just, like, I think he got sued a thousand times. Oh, yeah, for sure. He's probably still getting sued, like, right now. Yeah, I think there's probably just pending law. Like, you're 17th in line to sue Borat.

I've never tried improv, dude. I went to URI at first, and when you enrolled, they put us all in this room for the uh the orientation yeah and dude kids would stand up and uh like share their like inner secrets and i was like what are we doing there's like 500 people here like why are we why are we sharing secrets so dude like six kids kids in a row just come out of the closet they're like i'm gay and everyone starts clapping it's just the beginning of the closet they're like i'm gay and everyone starts clapping just the beginning of college orientation i guess one of uh one of the kids i knew he was a

year before me uh he told me uh i told him what happened he was like how was orientation i was like it was good man just like we had this weird moment where like kids started coming out of the closet and people started telling secrets like chicks were telling wicked weird fucking secrets they'd be like i cheated on my boyfriend three times and he still doesn't know and it's like what the fuck that's it that's all of it were you in like the wrong room yeah i was like dude i almost stood up and i was like i have to go like yeah fucking they locked the door i was worried kids at emerson were gonna find out i wasn't gay they were gonna beat the shit out of me dude they like i i've never seen so many people

just stare at me and be like you were the kid who was mean to me in high school and i was like i didn't go to your high school they're just like it was like reverse of like they would make fun of me for like not fitting in the desk yeah and like dude when when your time comes like you almost feel an obligation to like say something because everyone's like fucking letting out their secrets and you're just like i was trying not to laugh. Did they say, like, now we're going to tell the craziest thing that's ever happened to us? Like, I don't understand. No, dude.

It started off slow. Like, you just tell, like, literally there was, like, 500. It was in a fucking, one of the big rooms. Yeah. And, like, they had, like, these little mics. And you'd be, like, my name's Samantha. I like playing tennis with my mom. And by the end, it was just dudes who were like, and then I started rollerblading.

And I'm just gay. Everyone was like, fucking hell yeah. And I was like, what the fuck are we doing, dude? That does seem, yeah, that's a wild first day of school. It was great, man. Dude, I remember early on at Emerson when i because i went sophomore year like halfway through so like it was just weird to get like thrown into it and dude i didn't know shit about movies i just knew i didn't want to go to unh anymore because i was like didn't want to do business and i remember like you went around

the room kind of the same thing but it wasn't like that crazy but it was like what's your uh it was a public speaking class and everyone's like what's your like who's like your what's your favorite movie and i was like oh i like love adam sandler and like 15 kids turned around because they're all like these like artsy director kids have been doing it since like eighth grade and i was like oh dude i like like billy madison like what you fucking what no one likes bill and i was like no i was just kidding i'm at pulp fiction so i just said pulp fiction anytime anyone said anything to me. That one was crazy. And then one time I was in this class called Cyber Activism in the World.

I still don't understand what happened the entire time. But I know these kids were talking about Bitcoin every day in like 2012. And I wish I wasn't like ignoring them because they probably have helicopters. But dude, the one kid's like, I have like five Bitcoin. And this was so long ago. It was like a dollar. But these kids knew everything about computers they would argue about bitcoin every day they would argue about like all of this shit and i remember one time i was like yeah dude i was looking at yahoo news the other day and they're like you get your news

from yahoo and i was like yeah it's just like the first thing on my computer and they're like what are you my grandma and i'm like dude how much am i getting bullied at this school it's tough man it's a tough place to go definitely probably not worth two hundred thousand dollars yeah or whatever it costs even uh even just communications class in college yeah that's like mandatory in most classes it's like what the fuck man yeah you got paying a lot of money for this dude i used to smoke a shit ton of weed in college dude i remember being in a communications class and like giving the dumbest presentations dude we had to give we had to give uh this teacher was like he was also high as fuck like all the time you and h was like this and uh you could tell he like he was like divorced and like hated his life and like this

was all he had but he was just like yeah you have to give a presentation on anything as long as you find it intriguing. And I was high as fuck and hung over and I show up to the class. And I just told a story about how I played hockey when I was three. And I'm telling the story of the class. And I was like, yeah, I was three years old, playing hockey, skating around the rink. Went full speed into the boards and quit and i was like so like burnt out and like hung over like i was like that's it and the teacher was like in tears laughing dude nobody everyone was like dude you're in college like you just

told like a middle school story dude you could have got away at unh we we had this class called wilderness we had two teachers i still don't understand what the fuck was going on like a one-on-one class or they're like levels to the shit oh wilderness one oh yeah dude it didn't you didn't have to do it so me and my best friend took it just because it was like on a wednesday right when we like wanted to take the class like we used to go to the class and if it was raining we just would turn around because like we're not gonna like we can't find parking we're not walking and uh they did they dead seriously to a college class like all right we're gonna go out to the woods and we just have to you have to write two sentences about the woods so we were writing like there is a caterpillar i

like the woods and they were giving us like bees dude we had one graded thing the whole semester and it was a presentation and me and my buddy somehow ended up doing like bald eagles. So it's supposed to be five minutes of a presentation. We're supposed to split our presentation. I talk. I do my part. He does his part. Sorry.

I do my part first. It's one minute. He does his part. He runs out of stuff to say because his was only probably another minute. So for three minutes, I just hear him start to make things up because I know it's made up. We ran out of stuff to say because his was only probably another minute so for three minutes i just hear him start to make things up because i know what's made up we ran out of material so he just starts to make shit up about eagles i had to crouch behind the podium dude i was dying laughing i go you're making all of this shit up right now but yeah dude they were just everyone's big a lot of there's a lot of like people who like slack lined at unh who just like

baked all the time like those type of kids who were like always be like biking and shit really yeah because they have like agricultural like weird yeah i don't know it was a bizarre place i liked it that was fun yeah yeah man dude they should crack down on that but they probably won't i'm just like yeah there's so many of them in high school when they had like fucking supervisors come in and like judge the the teacher yeah i sort of i think we do that in college bro yeah dude but they're just like you're just giving us money and you take wilderness and then like i took this class called germs dude that was like just a class about germs holy shit nothing happened the entire time i went to a private college they had uh they had legitimate classes but you would have to take

like english and stuff and when i first went you'd have to like like English and stuff. And when I first went, you'd have to like peer edit people's papers. And I read this chick's paper, dude. I thought it was in fucking Latin, dude. Bro, like backwards letters. I was literally like, am I on fucking edibles right now? And she was like, what do you think?

And I was like, I think you should rewrite this. And she was like, I'm dyslexic. And I was like, I think you should rewrite this. And she was like, I'm dyslexic. And I was like, oh. Okay, so what do we do now? How are you going to pass English? You can't fucking write.

It was bad. What would she say? Bro, it would be like a sentence. It would be like, is where she went. And I'd be like, what the fuck? Imagine if you went over and you're like, this is good. This is very good paper. Yeah, and that's when I realized, like, you know, you go to Johnson & Wales now,

like, there's a different breed around here, dude. Bro, like, honestly, like, I'm not making fun of dyslexic people, but probably 25% of my English class was full-board dyslexic. They'd write theses on the board and just be like, dude, is that the Da Vinci Code? Yeah, just solve your thesis we did um what was that something oh dude at do you ever have clickers like because you went to URI first that's like a bigger it's like UNH probably the powerpoints yeah well we know just like so UNH some class with 200 people so like you'd bring in a clicker and they'd be like all right everyone click in for attendance and like or like if there was an answer you have to click and you get like participation credit for that dude i remember like obviously every especially

on like a friday class or a thursday class like when everyone had gone out the night before someone would take like everyone's clicker so they'd be like for a 200 person class they'd be like 60 people there but all 200 clickers would be there so like they would like someone would have like five clickers set up on their desk and they'd click in for all their friends and my teacher would be like dude we know i know there's not 200 people in here like you're not tricking me half less than half the room's filled and two it says 200 people just clicked in like i can see the class is empty but dude you could you could literally do anything you want. Like nothing.

You could get a B at UNHS by like being competent. Yeah. Not really probably in like only in the elective classes really. Like obviously business shit was hard, but everything else was like kind of like phone in, just chill. Yeah, man. You can milk that shit, dude. Yes, dude. One of my buddies knew Tyler Sagan like from, and I guess he was like that, too. He was like, see those two chicks over there?

I'd sex them. My buddies are like, they're hot. And he's like, no, they're not. I'm like, dude, relax, Tyler. Take it easy, bud. I'd be happy to just talk to, like, the lunch lady dude. You know what I'm saying? The chick who works at, like, Dunkin' Donuts on campus.

Like, that would get me going. That's fine, yeah. That's exactly. Or, like, Cumberland Farms. I like a Dunkin' Donuts lady. Yeah. that would get me going. That's exactly. Or like Cumberland Farms. I like a Dunkin' Donuts lady. Yeah. Or like a Subway chick. Yeah.

Hooks you up with like free salad. You're getting a salad? Bro. I went on a salad bender, bro, for like two years. From Subway? Yeah, man. First two years of college every day, I would have a double uh double chicken chopped salad i didn't really

have salad in some way you have to get a sub dude dude that's why i felt so powerful about it because i was like no one knows about this yeah you have like can you just chop all that shit up into a salad for me bro people would talk shit about it and then i would just bring them to get it and they'd be like this is good shit yeah yeah like the double chicken too you're getting you're getting two breasts bro that's actually good i mean you know did you guys chicken but did you guys have pita pit that was like a college business that i think was at more than one college but you could just get a pita at any point like 24 hours a day and you just fill it up with a million dude i would eat them like it's just like a bowl of bread i think they just like called it was like basically a wrap i don't know why they called it i think it was in a million. Dude, I would eat them like. Pita is just like a bowl of bread. I think they just like called.

It was like basically a wrap. I don't know why they called it. I think it was in a pita, but they would like just stuff it with shit. And I'm like, this is the best. Because, dude, at college, you could just eat all the time whenever you want. It was unbelievable. You ever think about the shits you took in college, dude? Yeah, dude.

We had a whole conspiracy. Like everyone does it. You just like the food gave you diarrhea because they didn't want you to get fat. You think that's a conspiracy? Do you think it's real? I would shit like all my whole floor would shit, like, four minutes after we were at the dining hall. I mean, dude, right now, currently, I shit probably, like, 13 times a day.

Back then, I was shitting at least double that. Really? Oh, dude, I'd be popping off, dude. I would miss, like, half the class. They have one ply, too, dude, so I'd just be wiping for, like, 10 minutes. Fuck that. I remember the first Thursday I went to the bathroom at college at UNH. Cause like, dude, I had to go to Catholic school.

Like they wouldn't, my parents would not let me go to public school. I don't know why, but UNH was. All boys or? No, there was like, it was a regular school, but it was like dumb, like Catholic school for 12 years. So like when I went to UNH, dude, it was like, this is what I've been wanting to do. The first, the first Thursday I definitely got hammered and just lost. Like the people I was with, I don't know where I ended up.

But I remember like getting ready. You just remind me because you're talking about the bathroom. Getting ready to go in the bathroom, dude. It's like Thursday night, dude. People are drinking in the bathroom, smoking in the bathroom. Someone's cutting someone's hair like it was prison. I'm like, dude, this is insane. What is going on at this place?

This is what I thought it was going to be like. But I think I would have gotten in trouble if i went to a public high school i wanted to go so bad dude bro the things you see in the bathroom at college today yeah in college it's crazy but even dude have you ever heard someone fart in the shower yeah bro wait what bathrooms just college i say dude honestly i hear it a lot at the gym yeah but in college dude that Yeah. Bro. Wait, what bathrooms? Just college. Dude, honestly, I hear it a lot at the gym. Yeah. But in college, dude, that would happen a lot.

I would just be like soaking my hair, and I would just hear somebody crank one. I'd be like, dude, that fucked me up a little bit. You know what I'm saying? I'm too scared to take a shower at the gym. Really? I just like... It is scary, dude. I feel like I'm going to get...

I don't want to leave... I'll still be wet when I leave the gym. I don't know. It is scary, dude. I feel like I'm going to get, I'm like, I don't want to, like, I'll still be wet when I leave the gym. I don't know. I'm not going to, like, do it the right way. My cousin takes him before golf now, dude. My cousin is, like, construction, and then we, like, joined a golf course, and so he'll, like, come from construction, take a shower with, like, this, like, 50-, 60-year-old guy. I mean, they're private showers, but still.

And then, like, come to the golf course. I just, like, dude, why don't you bring, like, soap? Do you bring your own shit? Yeah, dude. You do? Fuck, I don't know how to do it. They have soap there, dude, but it's probably, like, acid. Yeah.

I don't know. Soap that smells like a doctor's office? You definitely got to bring sandals. Mentally, dude, it's just that's the hardest part is preparing to go in there. That's the problem, dude. I don't know. I'm never, like, sandals, like, where am I going to have? I'm going to forget sandals every time.

It also depends what gym you're going to man if it's a nice gym and they have like really nice showers and it's like really private i'm all for it dude see if i was going to like an equinox or like some i'm i'm at like first i used to work out at this place workout world which is just like working out in jail like you couldn't even you couldn't even take like the uh the like plates off a bench because like the guy before you was like and the guy after you are both going to lift like 400. So you're like, I'll just like go to pushups over here. I don't have to be at the gym. It was too scary to take the weights off in between.

So I was like, there's I would never. People are showing the sink there probably. Now I go to the assembly sports club in some of I think it's fine. But I'm just like, like I said, sandals, dude, dude. I bring a lock, which I feel like is an accomplishment. I have to go straight from work. I mean, it's not like an active choice of mine. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, dude, I used to go to this racquetball club,

which you definitely don't want to shower there, man. Really? That'll fuck you up, dude. It's just old retired dudes, man. They have just like this insane amount of confidence. They don't give a shit about being naked. i've seen dudes literally fall down in the shower they're just like literally they have five days left to live and they'll just drop and you'll be like like this dude dropped once and i was like oh i'm completely naked dude it's an open shower it just sounded like a fucking pancake

hitting the ground he fell down yeah just soaking wet naked just fell dude and uh one of the workers who i knew came in and was like holy shit again like fuck this dude's like 99 bro and then one time dude i was in the uh i was in the jacuzzi and this dude literally wouldn't let anyone out. He was holding onto the rails and he had the jacuzzi jet going up his ass so no one could get out, dude. So we had to hop out

like over the sides. Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude, those guys are fucking ruthless, bro. Like, dude, they don't give a fuck. Dude, I've been in the gym before where an old guy

is just ass naked brushing his teeth. And I'm like, dude, just put a towel on just to an old guy is just ass naked brushing his teeth. And I'm like, dude, just put a towel on just to brush your teeth. Just ass naked brushing his teeth. I'm like, why are you naked right now? Like, wet? Just like didn't dry off. Like, I need to brush my teeth so bad. Dude, this is kind of related to your like falling story.

But I was with my grandpa as a member at the golf course that I joined. He been like for 50 years this is near here this is in haverhill mass okay uh but like my so my grandpa's a member there and i think there was just like an open tea time one day so i like was like i'll just play by myself with these three like random guys i get there it's my grandpa like didn't read who was on the thing it's my grandpa who's 88 and his two boys who are at least at least each 110 like they're the oldest people i've ever seen dude but some guy goes how's college i go i'm 30 like uh dude the guy one of the guys false and my grandpa and his other boy ignore him completely i go dude that guy just isn't like the pond right now they're like they just look right through him and like go to the next hole i'm like i guess that guy's just gonna either the pond right now. They just look right through him and go to the next hole.

I'm like, I guess that guy is just going to either come with us or be dead in that sand trap. Dude, holy shit. It's crazy. Honestly, man, the older I get, well, it's weird. You fall into that trap of being old. I went to that gym for so long. I remember there was a moment, dude.

It was like 8 o'clock at night and the gym was about to close and i went in the open shower and i just closed my eyes and just like let the water hit me and dude i start pissing just no hands just start pissing and i'm pissing everywhere dude but my eyes are closed i'm like literally like you know i'm just in everywhere, dude. But my eyes are closed. And I'm like literally like, you know, I'm just in the moment. Dude, I was pissing on this guy's leg, dude. There's no way to say that. Did this happen? Swear to God.

You pissed on a guy's leg? I pissed on this dude's leg. And he didn't say shit, dude. He was right next to me. Pissed on his leg, dude. And I opened my eyes and I'm like, whoa. And I was like, what's going to happen now? Why is your kid in here? I was like, whoa. And I was like, I was like, what's going to happen now?

Why is your kid in here? I was like, what's going to happen now? Like, is this guy going to fight me? And he, dude, he didn't do anything.

But I was prepared. Like, if he was like about to fight, dude, I would have had to pull some crazy shit, man. Just like pretending I'm disabled or something.

That's that guy's role. I would have just started yelling and waving my arms everywhere, dude. Because like, dude, you can't piss on a dude and just be like, yeah,

fuck you, man. That's that guy's entire ride home is just being there's no way that happened to me it was crazy man if that happened to anyone else dude like if you were if you were in a shower and some dude pissed on you i wish i would say something but i'm i'm my girlfriend my girlfriend does like it's like the millennium but my girlfriend takes care of most of like the getting mad at people at restaurants i you could light me on fire dude i know i'm never saying it dude if a dude pissed on you you'd just be like uh like would like a single tear roll down your face i think i'd say hey are you peeing on me and then he'd be like yeah and i'd be like all right i'm pretty sure that i was trying to clear i wanted

to be honest. You just confirm it. Yeah. Okay, good. All right. I'm not having, I don't have schizophrenia, dude. I could see you looking at a dude's eyes and be like, thanks. You're like, dude, is this really, this is really happening right now. Just straight faced. You just like, you, is this really happening right now?

Just straight-faced. You're just like, you have no hope left. Dude, is this really happening right now? I piss 100% of the time in the shower. You have to. I think my girlfriend didn't know I did, and I was like, I'm peeing in the shower the whole time. I have to.

Oh, yeah? Like when you're... When I'm just showering normal, I pee every time. Oh, I think I'm like when you the shower the whole time. I have to. Oh, yeah? Like when you're... When I'm just showering normal, I pee every time. Oh, I think I'm like when you're showering together. I know dudes who like... Dude, she won't shower really. Really? No, she might. It's weird.

We don't have a nice enough shower. I feel like in those movies, everyone's always like... Or even like pornos. Everyone's always warm, having a good time, dude. In the shower, when you're sharing it with someone, one person's under the water, the other person's just like... You like you're at like the bus station by yourself dude free you have to have a solid shower man yeah good amount of space plus like you have to have like honestly dude if you're gonna shower with a woman like you need a shower head that's like 50 by 50 yeah exactly dude because

someone's not getting hit with the water i also hate being fucking naked oh i think i'm almost one of the have you seen arrested development Development where one guy will never get naked? I feel like I'm like that guy. I hate being naked. I don't mind being naked, but my girlfriend is the king of being naked. She just doesn't give a fuck. She just walks around naked? So much, dude.

And I'm like, do you want to put on some... What if you have guests? She's still like... Yeah, she'll be at the McDonald's down the street. I'll be like, can you come home? But no, she will just talk. She'll get ready naked. And dude, I'll literally at, like, the McDonald's down the street. I'll be like, can you come home? But, no, she will just talk. She'll get ready naked. And, like, dude, I'll literally get in the shower.

Sort of have as a bit, but sometimes I'll just fully, like, wear my boxers for the first five minutes of the shower. And then I'll just dry them off later. I mean, that's not bad for you, though, dude, you know? No, it's fine. Most girls hate getting naked, dude. But it, like, takes the sexualness out of it sometimes because it's, like... You want a little bit of excitement, dude. Yeah, it's like, why are you fixing the door frame right now naked?

I feel you, dude. I like the... If you just show me your boobs every day, all day, they're going to lose... I'm going to forget that they're a cool... Well, that's not true. Yeah. I did say to her recently, I was like, I've seen your... I started hooking up with her when we were both 15.

But she was... Dude, I've seen her boobs for 15 full years. Crazy, man. That's a lot, I've seen her boobs for 15 full years. That's crazy, man. That's a lot. I've seen her boobs for almost two decades. Yeah. Have you ever, like, spiced things up? Like, you ever, like, role play and shit?

Because I can see you, like, applying what you learned in college to, like, sex. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm trying to think. I, like, suck at sex. Really? I mean, dude, that's why you role play, though. Yeah. I was good at it for a while, and now I'm horrible to think I like socket sex Really I mean dude That's why you role play though Yeah

I was good at it for a while And now I'm horrible Really You could do like a fucking Civil war reenactment With like dildos dude That's true We bought

I bought like A sex toy one time And then I lost the charger Immediately It was a hundred dollars Holy shit Yeah I don't like that man

I don't like sex toys dude No Cause that's basically like saying You're not good enough I suck at this You're not good enough for me like yeah i'll just be like fucking find someone else just use this thing and i'll be back yeah dude i've always wanted to role play though dude spice things up a little bit yeah yeah i think about it sometimes i just don't know what i would do because i would want it to be like you know like like they're not hilarious but like yeah you know i would want to feel like i'm legitimately starring in a movie you know what i'm saying yeah you need like uh like cinematic lights yeah like fog oh

fucking 100 or a gopro like you're wearing a gopro the whole time i just don't know what the the background story would be because like when you, when you watch pornos, it's always the same stuff. So you really have to, like... Yeah. If somebody, like... It's too long. It's just too long. If you were a writer for a porno, dude, you could come up with, like, some cool shit.

They should be doing, like... Yeah, it's always, like, step bro, step sis. It's like, let's spice this up, dude. It's like, I lost my leg 15 years ago, but, like, now it's prosthetic and i'm fine and i don't even you're not even gonna see it in the porno i'm getting a blow job i'm sitting down but like i think they should really start like two generations before the porn actor my grandpa had a lot of demons

well dude they don't even they don't even try to do different shit, man. Dude, I can't handle production lights. I know it's fake. I'm like, I came here for this to be real. Oh, yeah. Or you can see the top of the room almost because you know how it's like a soundstage. Nothing makes me more nervous. Dude, honestly, most of the time it doesn't even make sense. It makes no sense.

They're like in the kitchen. She's like, is it going to be hot out tomorrow? What's the weather going to be like? And the dude just whips out his cock. Yeah. He's like, you want a fucking bang? And it it's like what are we doing like guys are cutting down trees she's like are you the plumber he's like i'll fuck you what are you the plumber i'll fuck you uh yeah man do they i mean that's a billion dollar industry though it is and it's like it

have you done the oculus what the fuck is that the oculus is that like 3d thing it's like oh the goggles yeah but you gotta jerk off standing up or it doesn't make sense that's serious i didn't discover that one of my one of my fellow comedy friends did but uh because it's all like shot for a guy who's standing up so like if you're laying down it's like all like too close to your like head dude doesn't make sense it's like someone's like crushing you almost but i remember like um the first time i watched it because i was literally like with my fiance and we're like i go there's porn on this right because she just bought it for me for my birthday and i was like let's find the porn so i immediately found the porn and it's like so like they know that you're watching on the oculus so the first thing the girl will do to you in the

porn is like take your oculus off in the video so she'd be like dude take your oculus off and i'm like which doesn't actually make any sense because i'm out next to a pool i'm like why the would have this oculus that's insane how much does that cost 300 i think maybe a little man i gotta start saving up dude i mean it's worse probably getting it but it is like i'm not doing your eyes up huh oh it makes me so dizzy dude i've played games where i'm like floating like where you just like push off walls and there's no gravity. I almost threw up all over my living room, dude. I put my buddy on a roller coaster

and his knees are going like this and he's like, I go, dude, sit down, sit down. Is it like really like realistic? So fucking, dude, it's, so this is probably like the like Pong, like Nintendo,

like Super Nintendo version of like how good it's going to be. Like, you know what I mean? It's like the shittiest, it's like the first iPod or whatever. Yeah. So like it's way better than I thought it would be and it's only going to get like infinity times better it's crazy dude like i was i don't care about the games that much but you can like go to like there's like youtube 360 videos where they shot everything with

um a virtual reality camera so there's like 360 like whatever dude i went to jail some guy's like crying he goes i wish i could see my family again as he's eating lunch and i'm like why is this on oculus what if you took an edible before like doing that yeah dude i mean it's already like that so like it's so much crazy dude you're flying over like like some guy i remember I put it on the first time, and I was in like Mount Everest, and the guy's like, come on, we're going to like, we got to go. And I'm like, what? Dude, and you believe the guy because you're like, yeah, we're on Mount Everest. We have to go.

Dude, it's insane. Dude, that's fucking wild, man. It's crazy. I would have to have somebody with me, dude, high or not. Yeah. Because things could get ugly, bro, you know? Especially, I mean, I wouldn't have anyone with me if dude, high or not. Yeah. Because things could get ugly, bro. You know? Especially, I mean, I wouldn't have anyone with me if I was jerking off. You could.

A spotter. I think I smashed something. I smashed into a closet door, I think. Were you jerking off? I wasn't beating off. No, I wasn't beating off. But I was, like, you have to make, like, a room boundary. So, like, you tell the game where like oculus world ends so like if you fuck that up

Usually it stops you from fucking it up, but you can get like way too close to shit. It's a weird dude It's it seems like it seems like I feel like if you showed like a pilgrim like a Honda Civic. It's like magic dude It's legitimately to me. It's magic. I feel like it's so unhealthy dude Like it's so bad your eyes are so close to the screen. Dude, your eyes, like, my eyes, in particular, feel like they're crossing. Because you're trying to look at, like, two things. I don't know, dude. It's not good for you. Yeah, dude.

That's definitely not healthy, man. There are also people, like, you can work out with it. I go, dude, so I'm sweating all over a computer. It's so bizarre to work out with it. Plus, dude, like, I already don't see myself having a bright future, dude. If I'm, like, I already don't see myself having a bright future, dude. So if I'm, like, 35 with fucking Oculus goggles on

after work just spanking, like, my neighbor's, like, watching through the window, that's going to be sad. The problem is at some point you're going to be able to put on, like, probably, like, small glasses.

It's going to take, like, a second. You can do it, like, probably in the bathroom. Like, right now you at least have to still put on some big shit and, like, hold controllers. Dude, wait till you put on, like, contact lenses. You think that would be embarrassing if someone walked in on you. Right now, you at least have to still put on some big shit and hold controllers. Dude, wait until you put on contact lenses.

You think that would be embarrassing if someone walked in on you while you were doing that? I guess probably depending on your stance. Yeah, and because you have goggles a lot, dude. You have to jerk off, and then you have to take one of the goggles off and be like, I guess I'm going to beat off with this hand and then hope that I don't need to use this quick. Because then there's also... Wait, so you have goggles. You have goggles and...

A strap. Yeah, it's fully on your head. So what are you doing with your hands? Are you free-handed? Well, you have... If you want to get around like to scroll the porn, you can't just like... You have to use these things.

Oh. And then like you have to probably take that off, jerk off. But dude, then there's also noise coming out of it. But the noise is like mostly in your head is, like, mostly in your head. The noise is mostly in your head. But, like, obviously, like, if you were on it right now, I could faintly hear, like, just, like, porn noises. So, yeah, dude, I don't want – I don't use it to beat off because it's too much setup. But, like –

You would need, like, a cave for that, dude. And there's no, like, upside. Like, oh, I guess this is the best thing ever. I guess I'm doing this every day now dude it's crazy yeah no that would scare me dude because like that would not to be creepy that would become a hobby of mine exactly it's like i never would be excited like i'd be going 90 on the highway afterwards yeah get home dude wait till you can your car can drive itself in like six months you can just do it while you're driving oh yeah that'd be sick dude i mean dude i have a projector in my room holy shit and like i don't even jerk off on that

people are like dude that's the first thing i would have done yeah i feel like it's a novelty though you do it once i can't i can't i've had a setup dude yeah i've had to put my hand dude how are you gonna get that up and like if someone walks in on you dude i can't see my computer anymore. Like this type of computer, I have one of those and that's why I watch porn on it. Dude, I have to get my glasses now.

And I've never really had glasses. Really? So to see like sharp titties, I'm like looking at like... I'm getting my glasses. And I can't jerk off with a phone. I don't know. I tried before.

I've always jerked off with a phone. With a phone, dude? I don't know. Yeah, I don't trust like clearing my history on my laptop yeah that's true you know because like whenever i take on my laptop it's like professional for the most part yeah i don't you know i don't want to be at work like you should check out this presentation yeah she's like big titties getting slapped around but i feel like you're like almost that's the problem with phones is like oh let me just like open my safari and it's like who's the biggest lady who's ever had sex? Oh, yeah, dude.

If someone ever saw my search history, dude. Yeah. I can't do the phone, dude. I don't know why. I just don't. I can't. Because I feel like I have to hold it up. It's too much for me.

Well, dude, you just hold it up with your left hand, and then you spank with your, I mean, whatever dominant hand you have. I'm definitely righty for that. But I feel like, I don't know. I can't. I like to rest my head back. I feel like a laptop't know I can't like I like to like Rest my head back I feel like a laptop Would be harder Like where do you put the laptop

It's on my like It warms up my legs The whole time Like burns probably My balls off You'd have to like Balance it on one leg though No dude

I just like lay down Like in my bed Wow dude So your legs are like Closed together Pretty When you jerk off You're just like this

Dude I got my legs around my head bro Damn dude Sometimes I bend them behind me Like I'm stretching Wow No I don't do that That'd be fucking I got my legs around my head bro damn dude sometimes I bend them behind me like I'm stretching no I don't do that I'm gonna try that be like a fucking contortionist dude imagine jerking off

like with your legs behind your head like on a projector and someone walks in you're just stuck with an oculus shake it off with your head you're in a pretzel dude dude don't get an oculus they're fucking it's not there's no upside yeah i feel like that's one of those things where like in a few years they're going to be like yeah this is actually

really fucking terrible for you really bad for you and they're also going to be better in general so like you're going to get like the shitty like i remember one time i went to the mall when i was like probably 11 and it was in between it was in between n64 coming out and like playstation 2 and there was this new thing that thing dreamcast it was like a video game console my dad's like what goes up to the guy i don't even know why he was gonna buy it because he didn't like buy his video games or anything but he was like hey what's this dreamcast should we buy it and the guy at the store goes dude i get this dude this is the biggest piece of shit of all time so i feel like that's what the oculus right now is it's like you should wait till like ps2 comes out and you're gonna be like because it's still a little like it's not fuzzy but it could be better like sharper like

it's like too plastic it's like goggles and there's two plastic whole like circles in it and like sometimes they get like too close to your head or they fog up and shit yeah so you're trying to like i don't know they're gonna be better soon dude yeah i feel like dude honestly man you might want to ease into it though you know i have like a little bit you know two years experience under your belt it is good to it is good to have that might be like going into like a senior ops position with no experience like dude i'm i'm where yeah like my grandpa's never done an Oculus, and if I put, like, the next generation on, he'll die. He'll just be like, my brain can't, like, handle this, dude.

Yeah, bro, that's, like, fucking... Yeah. That's like the baby boomers, like, trying out fucking Bitcoin for the first time. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? Even me, dude. Cash is king, dude.

Even me, dude. I lost $7,000. Imagine being, like, going from, like, cash is king to Bitcoin. Like, it's a fucking... Yeah. it's a fucking yeah it's like insane you had like elastic around your money for like 25 years like it's not even real money no no we mine for this shit yeah no this is real but also no one knows what it is and put all your finances into it right now i think about that a lot dude especially with comedy like what the world's gonna be like when we're older yeah when we're like 50 yeah you know dude i had a joke i told in 2000 i did comedy like very sporadically like when i was probably 20 but like that joke did well then you could never tell that

in a million years people what the fuck you talking about like get off the stage because it just changed it's just like i do i just used to i used to do more um things about mentally challenged well that i was mentally challenged but i'd really like acted out too much that was okay and yeah 10 years ago now they're like dude don't do that that's what i'm doing yeah i'm not really acting too much someone the other day goes yeah dude a lot of that stuff's coming back and i was like all right you do it first and then we'll just see how you do and then i'll do it later yeah it hasn't you know it depends what it is yeah i don't know man i like the older comedy me too i feel like comedy is getting less funny who's your guy or lady fucking tommy buns dude yeah he's funny he's so fucking funny i liked his first two a lot i can't i i

don't know if i like ball hog as much, but I can't remember. I don't know, man. When I saw Completely Normal. Is that the one he's talking about his doc there? Yeah. His doc's like, you're super fat? Yeah. I don't know, man.

I'm just like, I don't think I'm deadpan, to be honest. I just think I'm silly. Yeah. I just feel like Tom isn't deadpan either. He's just fucking silly, dude. Yeah. And the fact that he has a wife and he just lives like- He has a cool life, either. He's just fucking silly, dude. Yeah. And, like, the fact that he has a wife and he just lives, like... He has a cool life, dude.

He has a cool life, man. And, like, when you get into comedy, you kind of think... You get kind of lost in your thoughts. And you're like, dude, I can't have a normal life. But when you see people like that, you're like, oh, this dude has a wife. Yeah. And he's still talking about, like, farts and balls and stuff. It's like, you know...

And he's, like, a dope businessman. Yeah. Like, he's, like, proof that, like, you know. And he's like a dope businessman. Yeah. Like, he's like proof that like, you know, there are people out there who can take shit seriously, but talk about like farts and balls and like just be wild. That's true. I agree. Even dude, even Bill Burr seems like the most logical,

normal person ever. Yeah. Because like people ask him questions and he just gives like a straight answer, makes you feel like a dumbass for like thinking of it that i just don't like i don't like getting lost and like i just don't like thinking too much about uh you know like stuff you can't control especially in comedy someone's like oh you're this way or you're that way or you have to be this way it's like dude lick my balls man i'll fucking do myself i never thought one time about like my actual like

set until like recently and it's like drives me crazy because like you're right dude that's it's too much to like like look at closely like you gotta look dude this is so crazy this train is gonna fly through your house but yeah dude i i think that as doug stanhope or something someone i read some book and he was like all you're doing when you're telling someone how to do comedy is teaching them how to be like more like how you do comedy you know what i mean so it's like sometimes it's like you can i get like giving someone a tag but like to really be like this is how comedy needs to be done is like a tricky thing yeah yeah i don't know man i never like took any of the classes or anything uh and i still don't know anything about it i didn't take

i fucking hate talking about it too but i I like talking about like life, you know? Yeah. So like when you're talking about comedy, you're pretty much talking about, like I don't like talking about like the ins and outs of like networking and shit, but I like talking about like life. Yeah.

Like thoughts you have about it. Well, it's like the difference between like writing like a story, like a novel or like a book and writing like talking about the punctuation in a book it's like weird to be like dude how do you structure a chapter which is kind of like what you're doing when you're talking about comedy as opposed to just talking about like a book is like you're talking about like what happened to you and then you make that into a book you kind of just have to like surround yourself with like honest people yeah like will tell you

the truth versus like the people that are making you overthink which are like the people who are like altering their image and like overhyping stuff and like they hate everyone and you're like i don't know man i've learned like to to point that stuff out like if you're going on instagram on like a friday night and someone's at a show that it's five people and they're like fucking people are screaming like this is fucking wild like this dude's crushing it's like dude there's four and a half people there like i do like when someone comes off stage and tells you they crush and i was like i'm here and i saw you yeah and i was watching and i'm not saying you didn't crush but also like you don't have to tell me yeah i mean honestly man my opinion and i'll never change this is like you should never say that you crushed yeah because it's like it's all relative like did you just

crush at like the boston garden or like did you you know where did you like dude if you crushed people will say you crushed exactly you don't have a doubt you don't have to be like i crushed yeah there's never been a guy who's like i fucking destroyed and then i'm like oh i really want to have a beer with you right now it's almost like oh that's cool i'm gonna go like text my friend that i don't think you crushed that bad that hard no it is it is because it's dude i mean you're only saying people really only say that stuff because they're like they don't think they crushed they want you to be like dude you really did yeah it's fucking wild man just the shit that goes on it's so much like crazier than i thought it would be before i did it and it's so much like people are so mad about everything too yeah we're all we're also in boston so yeah so

it's dude it's so different um than anywhere else but i don't don't know, dude, like, I'm pretty sure, like, I mean, I have my life, you know, you have your life. You know? It's true. Fuck it, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it is true.

I'm still gonna live my life. I'm not gonna be like, you know. Yeah, I don't think you have, I think you should, like, work very hard at comedy, but, like, it also doesn't have to be, like, your entire identity all the time. I don't know. Like, you don't wanna go to work and be, like, telling also doesn't have to be like your entire identity all the time i don't know like you don't want to go to work and be like telling jokes to people and then be like

i'm gonna do this later too i've had recently i don't know how it's come up like we'll get go go golfing and we'll get paired up with some guy and like my buddy will i actually had to leave recently about like doing like to go to a show so i like mentioned that to my friend and then this guy like heard and i was like he's like you do stand-up comedy he's like you don't seem like a funny guy and i was like all right well that's really gonna help me now because i have to drive directly to a show dude thanks that's happened like three times recently i was like yeah what do you expect me to be doing right now like juggling golf balls like i'm just gonna scream at myself in the corner and then hopefully that turns into a joke dude yeah man people are at the end of the day dude

people are so unaware of everything that's going on. Yeah. Like, it's like when you get high and you're like, fuck, you know, what if someone finds out? And it's like, no one's going to find out. Only the people you're with know that you're high. Like when you're in high school, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, what if they know?

It's like, dude. No one thinks about anyone else that much. You know what I mean? Most of the negative thoughts you have in your mind are just fucking random shit that's like not realistic at all. Unless something good happens to you in comedy, then people definitely are like, fuck this kid. I do enjoy like when the older guys, like they'll send you a message or something and

it's not even like, they'll just be like, hey man, glad to see you, like you're still going at it or like glad to see that that your set's evolving or shit like that. That's nice. Yeah. But everything else sucks. Everything else fucking sucks, dude. I fucking hate this. It sucks so bad.

But I think as long as, and this is kind of what I figured out about when I was doing more just writing stuff before I was doing this, the people who make it in this stuff for the most part is people just keep doing it. Everyone wants to be at a certain point by like a certain point. They're like, dude, I have I'm headlining three, five years and blah, blah, which is fine. And some people can. But like, it's not like if you can't, you're like bad.

You know what I mean? Like Builder, I think, was sleeping on like the floor when he was like 42. Not that like it's hard to convince like your wife of that. Be like, dude, trust me, I'm on the right path. right path just leave your job yeah leave your job and follow me yeah that's what i would that's that's something i don't think you're gonna explain to people no it's like hey like because people will be like uh dude i saw this one dude at my local like where i'm from at my track and i'm going for a run and he's like yo man how's comedy and I was like it's going you know yeah like I'm still doing it he's like oh you're still doing it I'm like dude I'm fucking I was like 23

I'm like dude I've been doing this for three years yeah he's like shouldn't you be like selling out arena yeah I'm like bro I like when you do something cool that you're like you could obviously like your friend in comedy would know that it's like an accomplishment but then you say it to like your uncle like I work with my uncle, and I was like, yeah, dude, I did Laugh Boston this weekend. In my head, I'm like, I'm the fucking man. He's like, oh, how much money did you make? I was like, I made some money.

He was like, how much? I tell him, and he's like, what are you doing comedy for? I'm like, dude, fuck you. First of all, I would have paid them $1,000 to get to do it. Second of all, dude, I went to New York last week. I did just shows my someone was like oh did did like the money you make like pay for your trip and i'm like one beer did not pay for my trip dude what the fuck are you talking about yeah yeah i don't know man if you're like in it for life it's like you kind of just like it's like a huge weight off your shoulder but if you're like i need to be here

exactly two years man and if i'm not there i'm fucking quitting it's like like, it's like a huge weight off your shoulder. But if you're like, I need to be here in two years, man. And if I'm not there, I'm fucking quitting. It's like, I know it's like walking up to a little league kid and being like, how much money did they give you to be on like the Red Sox playing the Orioles?

I'm like, dude, I'm nine years old. Walking up to a fucking freshman in college and being like, dude, you ready for the league? Yeah. It's like maybe in 10 fucking years,

dude. Yeah, dude. I'm not in a rush other than the fact that like i would probably like to move at some point and i don't know how logistically not that i don't even know if you have to anymore everyone's like you don't have to but like i think somewhere like new york it just seems like the volume of comedy you can do makes you better quicker but like also i don't know it's tricky boston's better than i think like people will leave and go

to like more obscure places and they'll be like that place is way worse than here this place is awesome like you just don't know till you go somewhere else um i don't know it's fucking yeah i mean no man you can hit uh you can hit like fucking five or six mics a night in new york city and you can hit five or six mics a week here yeah that's exactly like and i don't even think like the quality of mic is that different or the quality of show is probably not that different but it's like just the amount that you're capable of doing yeah dude someone sent me a thing the other day and uh like it was like a file with all the mics in new york dude there's 50 on wednesday there's 50 mics. Which is dope, man. You could probably do 10.

Yeah, I mean, they started two in the afternoon. Yeah. That's fucking, that's dope, man. Here they started two in the afternoon, but that's,

you have to wait until eight until the list comes out. He's like, I just live at this bar now. Yeah, no, dude, it's, honestly, man, like, I don't want to go

to a mic and see some dude eating a fucking fish, you know? See, that's the only thing I think I've disagreed with you on so far. I really want to see that no do you do you want to you do want to see it until you see it you don't want to be there you don't okay let me put it this way you want to see it you don't want to follow that guy that was the whole point it's like i had to go up after that you were directly after him yeah that's the whole point of the story dude they were like oh your

next comic he's fucking gonna kill himself how did you follow it up oh i was like dude there's literally there's legitimate fish on the floor still like the owner just cleaned it up we watched him clean it up it was the saddest thing in the world some dude like five people left they were just like this is the fucking worst thing ever for seeing see i'm i'm in on the fish eating i'm not in on the like the people who just pieces of shit to like staff that sucks because they just yeah i mean like the dude got kicked out and then i was like we should like if i was i don't know i wish i could have like made him pick it up you know you probably could have i probably could pretty strong i feel like yeah i'd be like dude i'm super strong yeah

dude i'll fuck you better kill you i'll piss on your legs piss on your forehead dude i think um oh yeah i used to be a valet parker at some restaurant and people would like treat you like dog shit dude it's just like that's why it sucks someone like that the owner had to like clean that up like if you're gonna eat a fish and throw it up on the floor just clean up the puke and just be like all right i'll see you guys tomorrow night well i mean dude like honestly man like everything that's happening with covet and stuff and like you're trying to get business up and running you're yakking raw fish and nobody laughed man like nobody was like this is you know nobody was cheering him on no one was like finish it fucking finish it you pussy yeah like that's what you think about when you hear the story you're

like oh dude i would have been like fucking you man yeah yeah chug that shit but it's like you know it's just not reality man it's like a lifetime movie dude have been like fucking yeah man yeah chug that shit but it's like you know it's just not reality man it's like a lifetime movie dude you know like when you think you like that chick then you get to know her and you're like fuck this it'd be so funny if like he did that and he just looks back and you're crying you're like why would you do this to me yeah there's a there's a tough probably the toughest follow i've ever had i can imagine i can't even believe you i probably wouldn't have gone up i feel like all right that's enough for comedy for this week i don't mean i've seen a lot i was like all right this will make you stronger yeah that was my thought process i was like dude

you'll you know this will benefit you and it's not going to but fuck it dude yeah i don't i don't know comedy is definitely like and then you get i think you get into a weird like you're above a certain level but you're still way below a certain level so you get like sandwiched and you're kind of figuring out like what the next move is you get like stagnant i think like sir i was talking to vickers about this today like how much time should you have at a certain point and then you think you have like remember when you thought you had like seven and then you look back you're like i don't like any of those jokes because now i have like a better 7 or whatever, 10 or whatever you have. Yeah, I mean comedy is all about people liking you at the end of the day

because you're like selling yourself. So like when I was younger, I did 17 minutes when I was like 21. And if I did those 17 minutes today at a club, I would bomb so fucking bad, dude. It was just the fact that people who were there liked me yeah and they were there to see me it's like when you go to like if you fucking feature for someone like they're not there to see you they're there to see the headliner yeah and they like can connect with that person so like when you come to boston like everything you write is kind of like central to to boston as a whole yeah it's not like you know at least that's the way i think about it like dude i've gotten like so much tougher skin just for moving here yeah you could

tell a joke that would literally like do pretty well down south or something and you come here and it's like people are like what the fuck it's interesting hearing because i basically started here so i didn't know that and i felt like that when i went to new york not that it was that like much harder or whatever but i was like you do feel like you're in like this like such a new place and i'm like holy shit this is completely different even though it's the crowds there actually did seem almost and that's probably what you're talking about with boston is the crowds in new york almost seemed more i only did like five shows but they i think i did one or two a couple months ago and then i did like five shows, but they... I think I did one or two a couple months ago

and then I did like... So maybe even less than five, but a couple of mics and people were like laughing easier there and I'm like, wow, Boston is hard to do comedy in, but it makes you better, dude, because you have to.

You can't like... There's no like cheap... Like if you've ever done a show where people are laughing at your premises before you've said anything like that funny and you're like, I'm the best comedian ever and then you're like, you ever done a show people like laughing at your premises before you said anything like that funny and you're like i'm the best comedian ever and then you're like you could do next show and you're like people like smarter and they're like oh like that's i'll laugh at the punchline but i might not be laughing at you just saying like boobs or whatever oh yeah dude no i

mean i think either way i'm still gonna tell my jokes but it's like exactly i think you just get tougher skin here dude like i don't really give a fuck. Honestly, like, like, dude, I told a joke the other night about being a Viking, you know, like today. Yeah. Like, it's the dumbest fucking joke in the world. Like, I was like, imagine if I lived like I was born a Viking in the Viking age and just never died. And then I was like, I would have, like, the coolest dinner table stories. And I would just, I just, like, painted a picture of me at the fucking dinner table and I was like, oh, I was eating my wife out.

My village got raided. Like, shit like that. Yeah. And it was, like, the dumbest shit. But, like, I just don't give a fuck, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

Boston's kind of helped me, like, not give a fuck. Yeah. Because, like, if you go up on stage enough, man, you're just like, fuck this. Like, I'm not going to be, like, a robot. I'm just going to, like, do my thing and see what happens. There's also something we said for, like, having a set that, like, works a lot. And then you just don't do it because you're like, I got to figure out how to do new jokes. Because it is easy to, like, have, like, whatever, 10 minutes that works. Like, a lot of the time is, like, better than the new shit.

And then you just try new shit and you're like, oh, this is. Because, dude, I keep forgetting that, like, my set that does work used to suck. And then you make it better. But now I'm like, dude, how come this joke sucks when I first started it? I got to go back to my old jokes. But, like, I need those jokes to suck for, like, a long time. And then hopefully one of them ends up, like, joke that's like funny yeah well dude boston has a not a negative reputation but they have a reputation for comics who tell the same jokes for like years yeah yeah or super the

only thing i don't do like the only comedy rule i tried not to do is like make any jokes not any jokes but like 99 of my jokes i don't want to be regional like i want them to work like wherever i go i'm not even though every joke i write is about dunkin donuts like i try not to be like patriots dunkin donuts red socks like i want to like have universal jokes that's the only thing i like kind of think about when i'm writing is like don't write a thousand jokes about like the chrysler jeep dodge ram dealership that's right next to my house i don't yeah i would never want to be that guy who just like i mean you've seen them dude headliners who like you'll see three years later and you're like you're still telling them the same

fucking dude like it's been three years man yeah how about how about when you're like relatives like dude you do the same jokes every time because there's a happy medium obviously and i'm like no no i make up 10 minutes of jokes every time i go who the happy medium obviously and i'm like no no i make up 10 minutes of jokes every time i go to see who the fuck do you think i am dude i have some joke about like i don't know if you've heard it's like about like down syndrome or like writing righty and throwing lefty dude i admit that joke's 10 years old really because it's just like one of the jokes i had when i used to do comedy and i just adapted it for now. But like some of your relatives and I completely understand what you're saying. It's like,

you got to always try to like write new jokes. Take like, I'll always take a bad joke out, put a better joke in or vice versa. But like my uncle thinking that like every time I go on stage, I'm like, all right guys, like here's a fresh new 10.

I'm like, dude, what are you on fucking drugs? That'd be fucking wild imagine just trying to do that even for a week like every time i go up i'm saying i was talking to somebody from new york and they were like yeah i do like 20 a year yeah 20 new that's that's what if you dude if you want five times a night five times a night and if you're any good depending how long he's been doing it maybe not any good but like like 15-minute sets or something,

or 10-minute sets, the more you can do. I think if you can do 20, like you're like Bill Burr, and everywhere you go, the minimum you're doing is 20, even at a showcase type whatever, you must turn over material way faster. Yeah. Or if you're going on the road and doing an hour because you're Bill Burr, you have to just be able to write material faster than like –

I'm definitely not even there yet. No, I don't even know how to think about that. I'll do someone – I've done 15 a few times, and it's always like last minute, like, hey, can you do 15? And I have the jokes, but I don't know how to work through them. I don't have an order for them. I'm like writing down stuff that I used to tell like on a piece of paper. But it's just because you can piece of paper but i just it's

just because you can never really practice 15 like it's hard that's the thing is like you can't really get good like five at a time five at a time and like i guess just like almost like paste all five good five minute sets together and then like do them in that order or like whatever because now for me it's like i do seven a lot i do 10 a a lot. To do 15, like I would like to practice it more. And then you obviously get better at it, but it's like. Yeah. I think it's just like anything else, dude. Like the more you do it, the better you're going to get.

But I can't even wrap my head around doing like 20. I could do 15, but they always say like you need to be able to do 20 to do 15. If you're in front of like a big crowd and stuff like that. Yeah. I could definitely push forward, but like I'm not trying to be one of those guys. She's like, yeah, dude,

I got fucking 20 minutes, which is everyone right now has like a half an hour. Like when, when did you get the half an hour? Especially if you and I don't do any crowd work. It's like, I don't know how to stretch my jokes at all. I'm like the toughest when you're in front of a fucking shitty crowd and you're like,

I just have to like fucking plow through this. I did 17 and it was fine but like i didn't feel comfortable doing it just because i i was kind of like picking jokes as i was going like not off a piece of paper but i was like all right here comes i would like to be able to put it in order i for some reason i'm like weird about order because i do think like i have a couple jokes but like fingering or something it's like you start off with that like you're gonna lose them right away like. You could probably do it in the middle. That would be my first one.

Yeah, yeah. I figured. We're going out. I don't know. Comedy fucking sucks. Yeah, dude. It fucking sucks, man. Fuck comedy, dude.

Honestly, man. It was funny. The other day we did a podcast with Monica Carroll and my fiance. My fiance's not a comedian. And I said, yeah, it's starting to... the comedy's breaking me or it's hard not to get bitter and my fiance's like yeah but you can't let it get to you and Monica's like no no it's hard not to get better it's like we're dead oh do I definitely feel dead inside for the most part dude yeah until I get up there dude like once

you get up there it's a guy's fine. It's fun doing that. You need to do something that doesn't... Dude, that's why I keep talking about golf. That's why I like golfing because you can only do golfing when you're golfing. You can't be like, dude, what's funny about this grass? It's like you're just doing your golfing. You can't fake. You can't think about anything else. You just think about golfing.

Yeah. No, I mean, I think when you go up there, man, the truth comes out. You know what I'm saying? Yeah it's what it is bro someone would be telling you how good they've been doing and they you have to at some point get up on stage and then like do good then and you can't just be like the crowd fucking sucks which i do i just like like fucking you know you have to be serious most of the day yeah then you just go up there and you just start talking about like balls and shit it's true there's just nothing like it man that is true especially when people are like dude you're like a really serious person you're like dude wait till you see this bro it is cool to that

that's cool like because that guy at golf is like you're not like you're yeah and i'm like wait wait hang on a second you have a thing in your girlfriend you're off to the races well it's also like dude not everything has to be funny. You know? Like, in your life or in your set? Just like when you tell people, like, you do comedy. Yeah. And they're like, you know, like, we're getting to know each other now.

Yeah. But, like, I don't feel like I have to be funny. No. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's funny. Also, like, I'm not wacky. Like, I'm not, like, wacky on stage. So, like, I'm kind of just saying the same, in the same tone of voice, my jokes that I'm talking to someone in.

So, I don't know. Yeah, like, throughout the day, I'm not like, oh, I have to make this person laugh. But, like, if I'm in a group setting, I'm not like, dude, I have to fucking crush it right now. Yeah. No, exactly. I do, like. Some people think that, though. They're like, you know, like, where the jokes at, man?

I'm no Sebastian Maniscalco. I feel like he's always doing some wacky shit. Really? He's probably the most normal guy, man. I bet he actually is. I bet they're all so normal. Bro, how could you even live a life like that, man? You're like, I feel like I have to be funny all the time.

Dude, I was having wicked, wicked bad panic attacks in the summer last year and uh like in the midst of that i saw like tom sagara's schedule of touring and i'm like if this is where my life is going which it's not like i'm not gonna be tom sagara but like if i ever had to do like half of what he's doing i'd kill myself immediately it's like the dream that we're chasing but also dude, dude, you're going to China, Australia, fucking Ohio. Dude, I can't do that. Honestly, I have nothing better to do, to be honest. Yeah, but it's just scary.

It's like, dude, it's not like a band where you can be like, yo, I'm the drummer, but I can't stop shitting, so I'm going to have someone else do the drums. You're just the only guy. So if they book you and they're like, hey, you coming to Australia to to do shows be like dude i can't stop shitting and then like no it's dude it's just you yeah that's the thing is you can't think about what it is too much or you'll be like what the fuck am i doing up here dude i feel like there is like if there's a very

slight chance that we so-called make it. Yeah, yeah. Maybe less than 1%. Yeah. And if we do, we're going to be like, what the fuck? This fucking sucks, actually. Dude, it's awesome. Like, do you hear, like,

if you look at every, and this is, I guess, a little bit more for actors, probably comedians too, but like every actor is out of their mind, has depressed, killed themselves, whatever,

and everyone's like, dude, I want to be famous. It's like you're ignoring all the data. Even with comedians, every comedian's been dead in like a Holiday Inn Express. That's so true, man. We're just like, dude, yeah, but that would be sick for me to do it. Just drinking problems, drug addict.

Dude, it's like when you go on stage after everyone's bombed, because the crowd's trash, or there's only, the best is when there's three people there, and you're like wait till i get up there and then you eat shit dude what the fuck's wrong with me and like dude obviously we're gonna eat shit there's no one here yeah no man it's fucking it's like anything else though dude who fucking knows man nobody nobody fucking knows bro that's i think we have the right mentality about like, all right, we don't have to be at a certain level by a certain date.

I don't think anyone, dude, it's not like Steve, he's probably a weird example of Stephen King. Like, like a writer's like, dude, I got to finish this by tomorrow.

It's going to be fucking, no one's going to like it. It's like, dude, you can take your time. Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends,

dude. Like if, you know, 10 years from now, I still have 10 minutes. Yeah. I guess there depends, dude. Like, if, you know, 10 years from now, I still have 10 minutes. Yeah, I guess there's a... You know, like, there's a certain line, dude. But, like, I'm not, you know, I'm not like a fucking...

Yeah. You know. I can do 40. Next year, on this fucking day. Yeah. I have to be here. It's like... I do.

I have recently got, though, like, what you were talking about. Like, it doesn't, like, fuck this attitude. But I think it's like i do i have recently got though like what you're talking about like the it doesn't like fuck this attitude but i think it's better for comedy yeah and then like you can figure it out from there but yeah dude to get to have to be a headliner because it's like you just end up matching yourself up with something you've heard on someone else say like dude i like nick swords and i heard was like six months into comedy got Montreal and it's like dude if you measure yourself up versus that

like you'll kill yourself for sure without a doubt you can't dude like Montreal dude at six months in like that's

he must be the only guy who's ever done that I mean dude just in general you can't really compare yourself to anyone no

it's too hard you would lose your mind especially in comedy for some reason because it is too there's a little luck. There's probably a lot of luck involved, but then, like, you got to do well and the crowd has to be good. There's too many – can't be snowing out.

Just going to fucking ride the fucking boat, man. Just see what happens, dude. Exactly. Fuck it, bro. I don't think – I think quitting, though, is bad because I think quitting, like, it's – I don't think, I think it makes sense for some people to quit, but it's also, like, you're always going to be like, damn, dude, I shouldn't have quit. Yeah, man, you never want to be that person that, like, quits because everyone's going to be happy that you quit. Yeah.

And then you're going to go on Facebook and put up a big status about how you quit for, like, validation. Those are cool. Yeah. And then you're going to get booked, and then you're going to be a piece of shit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do like,

I do like a lengthy status about how happy you are with your success. Yeah. Well, dude, this was a, I feel like we got to know each other, dude, you know?

Dude, I, this is a great time. Yeah. I feel like we can hang out now. I'm going to fucking text you like next week, bro. Dude, I just put you in my phone other, dude. Dude, this is a great time. Yeah. I feel like we can hang out now. I'm going to fucking text you next week, bro. Dude, I just put you in my phone as salami. Yeah, bro.

No, thanks for coming, man.