The Johnny Salami Podcast - Jimmy Cash

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

On this episode of the podcast, we sit down with Jimmy Cash who is one of the funniest comedians in New England. We talk a lot about Jimmy's life as not only a comedian, but a janitor as well.

What's going on, everyone? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami Podcast. Today's guest, Jimmy Cash. What's going on? Thanks for coming, man. I appreciate it, dude. Oh, I'm pumped. I still feel like this is a make-a-wish, dude. I'm surprised you're here, but we're going to do it, man. Yeah.

We're going to do it. No, I'm excited to be here, man. Yeah, dude. For those who don't know, you are a legend in the janitorial world. Absolutely. As well as the comedy world, man. Well, thanks. More the janitor world, but.

Yeah, I mean, I look up to you personally. Thank you. No, but you were saying, like, so, like, when the virus hit, like, how did you find out? Like, some dude, you know, like, fucked a bat and you were just like, how'd you find out? Like, how'd they let you know at the school. Oh, it trickled in. It was like, it started with people asking me, like, are you doing anything different in your cleaning routine?

And I'd be like, what do you mean? Like, you know, with the virus going around. And I'm like, I didn't know at first. And then someone broke it to me, and then I'm like, no, I'm not doing anything different. Yeah, they thought you were like mixing shit up in the back room. Yeah, they thought I was like, yeah. They're like, aren't you going to clean more during the day and stuff? And I was like, no, I'm not changing what I do because of this.

And then it got worse. And people would start to be like, oh, you got gotta like wipe down door handles all day, you know? Then I'd be like, well, you know, I could wipe the door handle right now and then a kid from kindergarten walks by that just like picked his ass and like touch it. So I'd have to be chasing people around all day. I mean, there's a degree of like I started doing that.

I started wiping shit down more, but I knew it wasn't doing anything. You know what I mean? What is, like, what is, like, the most disgusting thing you've seen? Like, because I mean, I know this isn't, like, the greatest thing to bring up. No, it is. Dude, I remember when I was in elementary school. Yeah.

Dude, I was doing some weird stuff. Oh, yeah. Like, dude, I used to have this teacher, Miss LeMay, dude. Oh, yeah. And I remember second grade, dude, right? I've got like pants on, like those windbreaker ones, dude. Yeah. No underwear.

So I'm feeling it, right? What grade? Second. Wow. I'm free-balling it. Wow. Second grade, dude. And middle of the class, right? What grade? Second. Wow. I'm free-balling it. Second grade, dude. And middle of the class, like, she's doing a lecture.

Dude, I used to pull my pants down and, like, rub my ass on the fucking seat. But, like, not, like, out of humor. Like, I just liked, like, the cold on my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't think about like the people behind me he would just see this this fat kid like pull his pants down dude but uh that's why schools are closed because they can't stop that you know what i mean like um yeah i mean they're definitely the dirtiest fucking yeah the kids yeah the shit is so dirty

i used to do weird shit too um you know i i used to this is kind of sounds a little dark but um in second grade too i used to to get out of class i would tap my face against my desk like face down like this until my nose would bleed and uh yeah you just keep tapping your nose you know and uh holy shit yeah it was pretty dark and how bad was the class was the lecture that bad i i i don't it's probably cursive you know what i mean so i couldn't take it anymore couldn't take any more cursive dude yeah i mean whatever it takes man honestly yeah yeah so but the grossest shit i've ever seen it's funny like things that you'd probably a normal person would think is gross i'm like i'm kind of desensitized to you know what i mean

one thing that still really bugs me is um is outside when i have to pick up trash outside is like if a condom has like any coloration to it like if i see some brown stains on a condom like outside the school like that's a regular thing i find in like this one spot is like condom with like shit on it wait is this like too dirty for the pocket? No, that's not dirty. That's pretty dirty. Yeah. So, but in like, that's in the elementary school parking lot. In the school, probably like a turd in the urinal, you know. Is that happening a lot? Because I've done that once in a McDonald's.

Did you really? Yeah. Are you drunk? It's funny. Yeah, two of my friends, we had like a shake eating contest. Yeah. And I don't know what it is, man. Like back then, I mean, still to this day, I can Kobayashi a shake like real easy.

Oh, yeah. So we, you know, we have this like shake eating contest. I mean, next thing you know, like all of us, you know, have to take a dump at the same time. I mean, there's only two stalls. So my friends got the stalls first and i'm like panicking i'm like i'm literally about to yeah i'm about to shit myself right and uh i just ended up taking care of it in the uh the urinal and then uh like a guy came in with his two kids

and all of a sudden like by two like both my friends they're listening they're like oh my god like what is he going to do? So I pull up my pants without even wiping, dude. I just walk by this guy, literally look him in the eyes. Nonverbally, I'm like, dude, this is going to fuck you up big time. He walks over. Both of his kids are like, daddy, what's that in the urinal? He just left.

Wow. Yeah. It was brutal. It was graphic, man. That is graphic. That's funny, man. That's a funny picture. Like, if you can catch somebody doing that and take a picture. Oh, yeah.

Like, my friend's bachelor party One of the kids one of the dudes got so drunk He he didn't take a shit in the urinal, but he pissed in one backwards like he said yeah, like he sat down Kind of with his back to the urinal take skill now yeah, and He they caught a picture of him like that and it's's probably like, it's just like, I'd frame it. You know what I mean? It's a funny look, you know? It's not a good look, but it's definitely funny looking to see like a back.

I've seen some special needs kids do that, like pee backwards. Oh, really? Yeah. At the urinary? Yeah, I used to see it a lot in elementary school. Yeah. A lot of the special needs kids would like they'd pull their pants down all the way at the end oh yeah and i you know i thought i was the only one who did that but

apparently you know they do it too right right i remember like one day in elementary school too like i would i went in the bathroom and i saw this kid bending over in front of the urinal and i was like what's going on here like is he taking a dump but he was actually pissing right so i don't know if that's like a fetish of some sorts or like a movement maybe i don't know man it's it's definitely freeing like i'll be honest like if it's a non-school day and i'm and i gotta work in the school by myself and like they go you know they leave me like some tasks to do it's like the school's closed for the day and i have to take a piss sometimes i'll drop my drawers right to my ankles wow yeah like it's kind of free you know what i'm thinking about that actually does feel dude you bring it it brings it back for you like it's like nostalgic yeah dude that'll bring me i remember one dude i had

a crush on this girl um her name was britney yeah. And, I mean, I was overweight, and I would literally just, like, stare at her all class. Yeah. And I was, like, in love with her. And then one day at recess, she just, she blew a snot rocket. What? Into both of her hands and then ate it. Wow. Yeah.

Dude, I was rock hard. No, I'm just kidding. I was like, this is it, man. Like, it's over, Brittany. Like, we can't do this anymore. Yeah, you didn't look at it the same? I broke up with her, like, non-verbally. Like, she didn't know who I was.

Right, right. But I was like, it's over. It's over? Yeah. Dude, it was literally scarring. Damn. Like, dude, anybody, man, who eats their fucking snots, dude. Yeah, that's no good.

We just, we can't be friends. No, that's a no-go. And she did it, like, with so much confidence, too. Like, people were watchingots, dude. Yeah, that's no good. We just, we can't be friends. No, that's a no go. And she did it, like, with so much confidence, too. Like, people were watching her, too. She probably thought it was, like, impressive, you know what I mean? She probably was trying to impress me.

I think it might have been, like, one of those habits, you know? Oh, yeah. Because, like, everybody, like, you know, like, sucking your thumbs and stuff. Well, yeah. Sucking your own dick. Yeah, dude, I mean,

it takes a while, know to get to get rid of that stuff you know but pulling your ass out of your dude out of your pants and rubbing it just like that's what elementary school is just having those habits and like in the future you just got to get rid of them you know yeah you can't be doing that stuff at business meetings but i mean you can it's just not gonna end well like no it's It's true. Yeah, I'm trying to think of the worst. Yeah, I can't be banging my head against the desk, making my nose bleed and, like, a... Yeah, just a call out. Yeah, that's no good.

Dude, one thing I used to do in elementary school was... I used to... Dude, I got these blue pair of boots from Payless Shoes. Oh, man. And, like, I didn't have a lot of friends, so, like, I had a few friends, but, like, they were all, like, way out there. Yeah. Like, we got in, uh, we didn't really get in trouble, but we would just do things that

were, like, just unheard of. Okay. Like, the cool kids would play, you know, sports, like, football and stuff. Yeah. You know, you'd see kind of, like, the jocks, like, throwing Hail Marys, you know, throwing stiff arms, and, like, the, you know, like, the hot yeah you know you'd see kind of like the jocks like throwing hail marys you know throwing stiff arms and like the you know like the hot chicks at recess are we talking about yeah recess yeah and i was uh i was always on the blacktop oh man and we would uh we would literally take like um like nba size basketballs and we would

just kick them at teachers like not like directly at teachers but like towards them like say you were on the other side of the blacktop yeah like near the teachers yeah like you'd pretend like you were going to catch the basketball and i would kick it up as high as i could in the air probably like 30 40 yards like a 30 40 yard punt maybe a hang time of like five seconds and then you would intentionally just let it drop on like a teacher's head and you can't get in trouble no because it's an accident yeah yeah we're playing like five seconds, and then you would intentionally just let it drop on, like, a teacher's head. And you can't get in trouble for that. No, because it's an accident. Yeah, it's like, yo, we're playing.

We're going hard. We're playing, whatever, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was, like, I was really into that, man. Wow. I had one teacher, she told me I was going to be in the NFL one day. Really? But it was really just the Payless blue boots.

Yeah, they were blue, dude. Damn. Yeah, dude, I was fucking. Damn. You were fucking in elementary school? Yeah. Payless, yeah, that's a rough hit, dude. Payless and, I don't know.

My elementary school, I kind of had the same thing. There were the jocks, there were kids that, and I wasn't like a complete loser, but I didn't really like quite click with that. I would play i'd play a little two-hand touch i'd throw down but a lot of times i'd bail just to do like weird shit at recess yeah and uh yeah i used to um there used to be an older girl that would kiss my hand when the bell would ring? Like the front or the back? The front or the back of my hand? You mean like this side?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she'd do the... That would be sick, dude. That would actually feel a little more sensual if she did the inside of my hand. I'm thinking about you guys like... I'm thinking about you being like this. Or just kissing your hand. Yeah.

Like teachers are watching, they're like. Yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, I started making out with this girl in elementary school, too. Wow. Making out, dude? Yeah. Holy shit.

This girl, I know I shouldn't say her name because i could actually because we'll tag her because she hit should we tag well because she changed she's now not she's now um different name like she's a she's gonna you know different gender yeah maybe i don't know if she officially went through with it but i i'm friends with her on facebook and now i don't want to make any assumptions i think her name's like rick now but... Don't want to make any assumptions, dude. I think her name's, like, Rick now, but, like... Really? We used to make out in third grade, like, behind a tree. Like, hardcore, dude.

Go at it, dude. Like... Behind the tree? Behind a tree, yeah. Dude, that's crazy, man. Yeah. You were making out in elementary school. Holy shit, dude.

I know. It's not good. It was so bad. No, that's impressive, man. Yeah, it was bad. I had impressive, man. Yeah, it was bad. I had problems, man. Dude, I, yeah, man, that's like legitimately impressive, though. If I was making out with chicks in elementary school, dude, I don't think I'd be here right now.

It's a bad, no, I think it's like a, it's more, it's like a bad sign. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's not like. You're moving too fast. Moving too fast. Yeah. Things aren't good at

home dude yeah i mean i remember when uh when i dude i used to uh even yeah the first time i made out was in high school dude yeah not even middle school man wow i had to look up on youtube how to make out oh really yeah a bunch of my friends on the basketball team saw it in my history it was like how to make out. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got bullied for like a few months for that. Oh, that's rough, dude. I'm sure they were like looking up weirder stuff, though, dude. Of course.

They looked it up, too, but they caught you. Yeah, I just forgot to leave my history. Shit. Yeah, and then when we did make out, dude, it was like a scene from Alien, dude. Like it wasn't good, man. Oh, shit. She was like, what the fuck are you doing? It wasn't a good tutorial? Alien, dude. Like, it wasn't good, man. Oh, shit. She was like, what the fuck are you doing? It wasn't a good tutorial?

Yeah, dude. Wow. Damn, that's rough, man. It wasn't good, man. So, like, for you to be doing that in middle school, man, like... Well, it's an older girl had, I don't know if I'd call it assault, but she, you know, an older girl had assaulted me first. Really?

Yeah, I used to go to this place called the girls club after school the girls could not the boys called the girls club it's like the boys club but it was just called I don't know how it all works but we went it was like an after-school program there we take the bus and this girl I'll say her name because I haven't she's like off the map her name was Bethany no I'm not gonna say the last name but she's off the map bethany she pulled me aside at the girls club and was like i'm gonna i'm gonna make out with you and i was like wow and we did it and then i then i took that and went back to uh you know my school with that knowledge wow yeah dude that's nuts yeah that's nuts, man. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy, dude. I know, I know.

So it was just non-consensual? She was like, I'm gonna make this magic pop off. Yeah, kind of, yeah. That's crazy, man. I know, dude. Yeah.

So, yeah, but then middle school, yeah, there's a lot of making out in middle school, too. I didn't get laid until like mid-high school. Yeah. I got laid in high school, dude. Yeah. I just didn't pull out. get laid till like until like mid mid high school yeah i think i got

laid in high school dude yeah i just didn't pull out no oh yeah right in high school you didn't have to i mean you did yeah oh you did it was like specifically recommended yeah true that's true they were like yeah like uh they're like dude like when you do this, like, definitely pull out. Yeah. Dude. That's true. Yeah, dude, I was, I think, like, a bunch of people who knew me kind of, like, hooked me up with it. Yeah. They were like, this chick, she wants, like, dude, my, no joke, dude, my tits were bigger than hers.

Wow. And, yeah, dude, we went after it, and I remember doing it, and I just literally just didn't pull out. Wow. And she, like, wasn't on birth control or anything. No. So for an entire month, dude, every day I was just like, what have I done? Yeah.

Were you into prayer or no? No. No? At that time, though, yes. Like, I was like, I whipped out my Calvin Presbyterian shirt again. Started wearing it every day. I was like, praise God. Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, dude, that is honestly the scariest feeling in the world. Like, if anyone's ever experienced that, like a pregnancy scare, man. I have. Oh, dude. I had it so bad that the girl actually turned out to be pregnant and had a kid. I think we're going to say something else. I was like, oh, shit. No, yeah.

She turned out to actually be pregnant. And then, like, now all of a sudden I have a kid that's in high school. Yeah. So you knocked a chick up? Yeah, right after. This was, like, after high school. Oh, it was after high school. But still.

Yeah. It wasn't too far out. Yeah. I was, like, not far out. As long as it's before 18. Or was it on 18? Because it would have to be 18 or after, right? Yeah, I was actually 19 and she was born when I was 20.

I knocked her up when I was 19. No, it's not. But at the same time, it was a scare. It turned out to be real. Yeah. Yeah. Damn, dude. So you literally just didn't pull out, man.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And the prayer didn't. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And the prayer didn't... Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. It turned out to be good.

Yeah. I mean, it works out for some people, dude. Yeah. But I can't even explain. Like, I remember being at football practice, just being like, I don't even care if I get leveled right now. Like...

Oh, because you were so nervous. It's all... Dude, that's all I would think about. That's scary shit, man. Yeah, dude. And, dude, now I would think about. That's scary shit, man. Yeah, dude. And, dude, now I haven't had sex in two years, so I don't even have to worry about that stuff, man. Really? You know what I'm saying?

I don't believe you. I'm drinking beet juice, dude. You know what I'm saying? What's beet juice, dude? It increases blood flow. Does it really? Yeah. It's just like a natural Viagra, really.

Really? Beet juice, yeah, man. Try it out, dude. Okay. No joke. I need that yeah i need a little yeah dude some people who like uh lift weights do they'll take uh like nitric oxide pills which aren't that you know you can buy them for like 20 bucks but i mean dude if you just

drink beet juice like yeah dude blood flow is insane man are you are you juicing yourself like you get in the like are you blending it or are you buying sometimes i buy uh like the powder like i have the powder but it would be better to just buy like the actual beats and just blend them together wow but dude i'm telling you do it for like a week man it's like life-changing dude i'm excited about that yeah you said you were heavy back in the day yeah how'd you get like what'd you start working out and shit because you're pretty like you seem like you're pretty ripped and shit i mean back then yeah back then i was like really big dude like i was like i'm not gonna say athletic so yeah like i played sports and stuff but right i was still like you know really overweight yeah like massive tits i'll show you a picture we can I'll make it so

that the picture shows up on the podcast. That way people have a really good image of, uh, what it looks like, man. But yeah, but I, I like part of me misses that, you know, cause everything was funnier. Yeah. I worry about that sometimes. Cause I'm not, I'm not like, because i'm not i'm not like obviously i'm not like uh obese yeah but i'm like i'm in a little bit of a uh soft state right now very soft and i'm like i'm like trying to get geared up to like start like toning up again and like getting in shape but i'm like man i don't know like how how in shape should i really be you know yeah man it's a dude i don't know, like, how in shape should I really be, you know? Yeah, man. It's a, dude, I don't even, the way I think about it is, like, I think I just started exercising for, like, self-esteem purposes. Yeah.

It was never really to, like, I was never, like, yo, I want a six-pack. Okay. I just kind of, like, like the feeling of exercising. That's what I like, too. I never, like, you see it a lot in, like, the comedy world, too. Like, I'll never understand, like, I mean, I never like you see it a lot in like the the comedy world too like I'll never understand like I mean I never do

understand like comics who like don't go outside you know what I mean I know you don't have to like play a sport or like go to the gym

but you gotta do you gotta exercise cause like if I couldn't exercise I'd be I'd be in uh I'd be in like Shutter Island right now right no I'm the same way

I'm actually literally like I say I'm soft right now and I am No, I'm the same way. I'm actually literally, like I say, I'm soft right now, and I am. But, like, because I've just been maintaining. My girlfriend got a Peloton bike. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And it's legit. So all through quarantine, she got it, like, right before, like, Corona hit.

Yeah. So all through quarantine, I've been hitting that off. And I get that, like, exercise high on it. Yeah. But I've been, at the same time, eating, like, a complete asshole the whole time. So, like, I'm maintaining this, like, this soft form. Yeah, dude, that's... But I'm getting the high.

Yeah, man, the high is good. But I spent, like, a majority of my life trying to, like, out-train a bad diet. And it's just not possible, man. Oh, I like that wording there to uh like out train a bad diet and it's just it's not possible man oh i like that wording there oh yeah dude it's uh dude honestly man just eating eating good is like 90 of it you don't even have to really exercise that much man like an hour a day but i don't know man i don't even know what it was like it's everybody has like a like a motivational you know thing like dude how'd you fucking do it man they're like dude i saw this fucking i saw rocky ford dude and i was like holy shit yeah and then i went after it and i'm just like like i have a family history of like diabetes and shit like yeah terrible diseases so like i know at

one point in the future like i'm probably like i have a high chance of getting diabetes so like I know at one point in the future like I'm probably like I have a high chance of getting diabetes so like I'm just trying to avoid that dude I think I do too my grandfather had like his leg amputated because of diabetes so like diabetes sucks man but it's like you don't have to like tell people that shit you know what I mean like

what did my grandfather's leg get amputated no no dude like yeah all of a sudden i'm like nah man that's too far i know i felt really bad no no i'm just saying like uh you you shouldn't have to like tell someone while you're exercising oh yeah everybody has their friends like what are you fucking doing crunches it's like yeah dude i'm trying to fucking try to stay alive dude yeah that's true while you're exercising. Oh, yeah. Everybody has their friends like, what are you fucking doing crunches? Yeah, right. It's like, yeah, dude, I'm trying to fucking try to stay alive, dude.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm going to do that. This is my Rocky IV. Dude, we'll put up a highlight tape too, dude. Yeah, man. It's hard though, man. I mean, I kind of enjoy eating healthy now. I don't even eat that healthy.

Like, you know, on the weekends, I kind of like cheat a little bit. But I mean, I like, dude, I like eating like, you know, the weekends i kind of like cheat a little bit but i mean i like dude i like eating like uh you know like grounded turkey man like i like chicken and stuff yeah i don't know man i just enjoy it just do like chicken and turkey and what else we got going on yeah like ground turkey man um like chicken breasts yeah vegetables um i just try like it's not even like what I do eat. It's like what I just try to stay away from. Because if I go, like I'm the type of guy, dude, if I go to McDonald's, dude.

Forget it. Yeah, it's over, man. Like I'm not going to have one cheeseburger. I'm at like six or seven. Really? Yeah, I'm that type of guy, man. Once I eat one, it's just like. Oh, it's like a fast foodaholic.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like a legitimate addiction. Addolic oh yeah yeah it's like a legitimate addiction addiction yeah it's like weird dude if you eat mcdonald's like i don't know if you feel this way but like the next day you feel different you're kind of like oh i'm just gonna eat mcdonald's again today and like that's how i feel today because i ate mcdonald's last night i really i did on the mass pike it was like one of those things i was coming back from a thing in Boston, and I was starving. And I was in Boston, and I put in, you know, what's the nearest food. And, like, everything, I don't know if it's just because of,

I don't even think it's because of quarantine, but everything in Boston was, like, closing at 10. Yeah. And, like, because Boston's kind of lame in that regard. Yeah. Like, and I was like, what am I going to do? And I'm on the Mass Pike. I'm trying to make it home to just eat, like, just turkey, like, out of the fucking package.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And I saw the McDonald's sign. I was just like, meow. Told you. Dude, that's a. That's a wrap. That must be rough.

I mean, because you're always on the road, too. A little bit, yeah. That's the thing. Like, I thought to myself, I could go in the gas station part and buy some, like, banana chips or something. Gas stations are rough, too, man. Yeah. It's just not. I mean, I'm obviously, like, I mean, you're on the road way more than I am. But a lot of the times, like, when I'm traveling and stuff, I'm like, I'm just going to eat McDonald's, man.

It's tough dude i should prepare what it is is like like they say prepare if you don't plan to prepare prepare to fail you know what i mean you gotta bring like a little cooler with me with like some like some meats it's not easy man no i had my mom just cook it all yeah just like cook that shit up that's that's a tough that's tough, that's a good, that's a good thing. Pork's a living with your mom, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, dude, like I probably should figure it out. Probably should start like cooking or something. I rely on that way too much. Honestly, I don't know how to cook much either.

My, my girlfriend, I feel bad. She does a lot of the cooking. Yeah. You know, but I, I like mow the lawn so oh fuck yeah dude yeah that's what it's all about man yeah i was thinking about that the

other day man like i'm almost at that age where like i'm like legitimately excited to mow the lawn yeah like i just dude i want to fucking tear it up yeah yeah and then like look at my next door neighbor and just, like, just look him dead in the eye and just tell him I fucked his wife, dude. You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like it's a legit sense of dominance

when I'm tearing it up out there. Dude, on the lawn? Yeah, for real. Like, you know the neighbors are watching. I know, like, you know what's funny about me on the lawn?

It's like, I feel like I have an audience. Yeah, you feel like someone's watching you. You are the whole time, right? Someone's like, whoa. I mean, I always feel like somebody's watching me, and I feel like that song's playing in the background too. Which one?

I always feel like somebody's watching me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. Always, man. But it just makes you better. It does, yeah. It makes you better It does yeah It makes you take out The weed whacker afterwards

And be like Yo you thought I was done Watch this shit That's a serious flex dude Oh dude Imagine I mean dude I don't have sprinklers

But if I get some one day Oh my god It's over man Forget about it Yeah dude All the neighbors Are gonna be crying How about this though

Has this ever happened to you? You're in your zone. You're going down with the lawnmower, and then you hit a little something with it, and it's like, meh. Yeah. And you get a little jump. Sometimes it scares you a little bit, and you're wondering if the people watching saw you get a little startled by that.

Yeah, dude. Especially in my yard, dude. Oh, really? Dude, you could hit a legit boulder, and you just got to stay straight-faced and just go right through it. Wow. Yeah. Oh, so you go in prepared.

Yeah, because I'm one of those people who hasn't ever had, like, legitimate grass. So, like, you never know what's going to be out there. You know what I'm saying? Like, you might hit, like, three branches, and then three rocks right after that, dude, and they'll shoot out and, like, break your neighbor's window. And you just, dude, you got to stay straight-faced, man. Push through it. Dude, that's what it's all about.

You got to go in prepared like a rock just hits you in the face. Oh, dude, I've flung some fucking rocks, dude. That's the worst, man. Dude, I was going to, what is, like, I know, like, you're a janitor now, dude. I used to work for, for Like my sophomore year of college Me and my friend We like helped out The school department here

Oh nice So we would like Dude we'd help out the janitors And We would like cut the grass Summer For the summer Yeah but dude

They had like In the morning Like I guess it was like A third party cleaning service Oh wow I don't know what it was man a third party cleaning service. Oh, wow. I don't know what it was, man. They had like, so they would have the electrician, the plumber, and then the carpenter.

Yeah. And we would like, we would be with those guys in the morning. But then they had the janitorial people like obviously in the school. Yeah. So, but dude, like first day they were like, like the big swinging dick was like he would never talk to me because he thought i had like something wrong with me mentally like he would always talk to my friend he'd be like hey how's john doing today and i would be like i'm right here man like i can hear you wow you're like yeah yeah yeah but uh this is the head custodian or the head janitor

yeah he's like he's like the big swinging dick oh i don't know what he did dude but uh he would be like the first day you know uh he was like you guys uh you guys good like you know how to uh like use uh like a trailer yeah and my friend was like no we have no idea and i was like oh i do and he was like but like i had no idea i was just like yeah yeah like i just went along with it right so they they like hatch up this trailer dude on the back of like a diesel truck that says like you know school department on it they give us the truck and then they load up like two like nine thousand dollar lawnmowers on the back like ride-on lawnmowers and they're

just like all right guys like you know go cut the grass at this school oh shit and we're like like my friend's like dude why'd you say yes all you had to say was no and i'm like, like my friend's like, dude, why'd you say yes? All you had to say was no and I'm like, dude, I got this. You're like, yeah, bitch.

Yeah. We get back to the school and I'm like about to pull in and they're like, no, dude, like you gotta, you gotta back this thing

and like you can't just pull it into the garage. So I'm like, I'm like, dude, like it's my friend Matt. I'm like, dude,

can you get out? I'm like, like, you know, guide me. So he gets out. He's like, he's like, all right, man, like like you know guide me so he gets out he's like he's like all right man just you know take it slow whatever yeah so i'm like all right i'm just gonna keep backing in fuck it until uh you know like somebody yells or something dude so i back

into the school like full speed back into the school like the whole school shook dude what and all you hear is like the carpenter the electrician and the uh the plumber just go what the fuck oh shit like they're like they're not sober dude like they're definitely on something like i mean they might be sober but no i wouldn't be surprised one of them was like hallucinating because it's not every day like someone backs into a school a school. Right. No, they're all fucked up. So my friend's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing, bro? Like, I told you to stop. He takes my spot, and he tries backing in.

Oh, no. They just got, like, a new GMC, like, fucking 2017, like, GMC, like, diesel, like, heavy duty. Yeah. He backs into that, dude. And you can, like, hear the diesel, like heavy duty. He backs into that, dude. And you can like hear the metal. Like. Oh my God. What?

Wow. Oh my God. Dude, I swear to God. One of the carpenters like just hated his life so much. He just saw the whole thing and was like fuck it dude fuck it he was just like fuck it man yeah but uh dude i have never laughed so hard in my life oh you got on the side laughing i had to like i had to be like yeah i'm going to the bathroom i was pissing dude but yeah dude we got to work with agendas man i wouldn't even say like i wouldn't even mind like

you know yeah it's a lifestyle it's not bad it a lifestyle. I've been in it for a long time. Yeah, you must enjoy kind of being by yourself most of the time though, right? I am. I've done all sorts of, I've worked in all different environments with it. I'm in the Worcester Public Schools, so there's like 50 schools, I think, and we're all in the same department. You know, there's like 160 custodians yeah some schools have one custodian some schools have like seven depending on the size yeah so i've worked in big schools where

there's like a crew of us and it's just like every idiot you've ever met in your life all working together like it's it's insane like we used to have a janitor's outing every year where we'd all go to go to this like place and, like, play horseshoes. And it was just, like, they had to stop doing it because a fight would break out every year. It's just, like, every moron that you could imagine, like, all in one place. Do you have, like, your own set of boys? Like, is there, like, a set of cliques? Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah, I'm kind of like i'm kind of like losing like i came in at a young age so all the dudes that were like that i really gravitated towards have like died from like alcoholism they were all older than um so now there's like a new younger generation kind of coming in and i'm kind of like i'm kind of in the middle you know like i i came up with all these guys are like there's like these og janitors there's like this generation of like, I'm kind of in the middle, you know? Like, I came up with all these guys that are like, there's like these OG janitors. There's like this generation of like janitors that like started in like the 80s. They were like, they're like a wild, they're a different breed of people, dude. Yeah.

Like, you know what I mean? I've seen it firsthand. Yeah, they're a different breed. And they're all like dying off. It's sad like a lot of them like liver uh shit or like cancer from smoking like 700 cigarettes a day it's like it's pretty it's pretty rough yeah um but yeah you just you learn some like you know you learn some cool shit from hanging out with them you know what i mean yeah dude i feel like they're

all pretty old school for like for the most part either like old school or like uh i like where i went to school there was a lot of like um you know like portuguese janitors and they were just like hilarious would you say portuguese portuguese yeah okay a lot of portuguese janitors that would like drink tequila on the job oh yeah dude they, dude, they all drank, dude. Yeah, but we have, dude, we have this one, like, we'll play basketball sometimes at this one school, and there's, like, the night janitor there, and he'll blast, like, Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith

and just clean the shit out of the place. Yeah. I had never heard him talk before, dude, and I was, like, going to the bathroom. Sometimes I'll, like, watch the basketball game, he's not really saying much. So I'm, was like going to the bathroom yeah sometimes i like watch the bat like the basketball game is not really saying much so i'm like walking to the bathroom and uh i just hear like a groan like he's like oh and i'm like are you good dude yeah and he just continued to moan like while making eye contact with me and i was just like i was like i feel the same way man like he could i don't even know what he was saying, dude. He could have been like, you want me to shove this up your ass?

And I was like, yeah. Oh, man. So, he was just like, ugh. And I'm like, I'm like being polite. Like, I'm like, yeah, man. Yeah, like, totally. Like, I feel the same way. Whoa.

And he's like, you could tell he was like trying to tell me a story. I don't know what he was on, dude. Oh, man. And then, dude, like at the, like I said yeah so many times. Like, at the end, like he actually many times like at the end like he actually said something fluid he was like good luck with your marriage and i was like i'm gonna go now dude whoa yeah i was like dude i don't know like i don't know if you're sniffing paint man like i don't know what it is bro but hook me up dude i'm not surprised man but then dude then you have

janitors man who are just like top-notch, like, normal dudes, man. They just enjoy the lifestyle. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's some guys, there's some guys that are, like, they're almost too good to be janitors. You're like, whoa, this guy's, like, got his shit together. Yeah. There's some guys with, like, they, like, got, like, I don't know, such a normal, beautiful life, which I have a nice life, but like some

of these guys are like, you'd think they were like, I don't know, owned like a John Deere company or something like that. You know, they just have a good, solid, they just had their shit together. They never were like that far off the beam. They just. She'd a lot, man. One of the janitors lives down the beam. They just. I've seen a lot, man. Dude, one of the janitors lives down the road. I can show you his house, dude.

Oh, really? You can egg his house. Dude, yeah, we should. Yeah, man. He's got like apple trees and stuff in the backyard, man. Oh, wow. He's not the type of guy like you would look at and be like, wow, this guy looks really successful.

Like he's one of the guys who would drink on the job like. Oh, really? And yeah, but he has a really nice house, man. He's got like, he's got an apple tree in the backyard like he makes a comfortable living but i also don't know what he does on the side like he could you know he could sell cocaine yeah he could be growing you know legit shit in his backyard yeah he could yeah he's growing apples who knows what else cooking meth yeah who knows steaming it up you know yeah you never know man yeah there's some, I don't know. My old boss from when I worked nights at this high school,

he drank like every day. He had it in his top drawer of his desk. He had this dark office. He kept it all dark. He covered the light with a dark, it was like a black light almost. Oh, really? In the top drawer, he'd be drinking like a PBR and brandy like every day. And he had a blanket and a pillow.

And sometimes I'd come into his office and his feet would be up and he'd have the blanket like up to here. Oh, my God. With a pillow just sleeping, dude. He's living the dream, man. Yeah. Rest in peace. He's actually dead now. Oh, really?

Yeah. RIP, dude. Yeah. Thoughts and prayers. Yeah, man. Yeah. R.I.P., dude. Yeah. Thoughts and prayers. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. But, I mean, dude, like, honestly, like, so, I mean, we were talking about this before, but we don't really know each other that well, man.

No. Like, I, the first time I saw you, I was, I don't know, 22, 23. Right. At Nick's Comedy Stop. Nick's Comedy Stop. Yeah, dude. And I, dude, that was my first's Comedy Stop. Nick's Comedy Stop. Yeah, dude. And I, dude, that was my first ever show in Boston. That was awesome.

So, I mean, I was shitting myself. I didn't really. No, you did. You did well. First show in Boston. Dude, I got lost on the way. Like, I didn't know where the club was. I was, like, asking, like, people that were tourists.

I didn't know there were tourists, though. So, I was like, you guys know where, like, Nick's is? And they were like, I'm from Los Angeleseles and i was like oh fuck and then uh yeah like walked in and like in my head i'm like you know i'm thinking about like butterflies and like smelling my own farts but like right the the bodyguard or whatever was like dude uh you're gonna fight someone and i'm like what dude like oh that dude uh sammy yeah yeah he was like he was like don't fight anyone dude and i'm like i'm having positive thoughts yeah i've got my super mario shirt on dude and uh yeah that was like you know that was nerve-wracking but it wasn't new like that happens

every time i go to a show people are like this kid's gonna start throwing frags no yeah i thought maybe you might no i thought see i could have sworn you had your bobby boucher uh no that was that was at comics when we were oh okay doing the competition yeah we both had sandler shirts yeah dude did we crush it man yeah yeah yeah we did we both made it that was it the first round yeah and then we got we got sent home right after that they were like you shouldn't have made it no yeah they're like They're like, round two was a different ballgame. Yeah, dude. That was fun, though, man. But yeah, I was going to say, like, I mean, I don't really, I don't know what I think

when I see comics go up. I think I was just really intrigued by everyone. I was like, I wonder what this guy's going to say, dude. But dude, I was literally fucking, I remember specifically, like, I was pissing myself, like, listening to your set it was the first time i had ever you know heard your set right right you know how like you'll hear comic sets like yeah multiple times yeah i know what this guy's gonna say whatever but it was my first time hearing you dude and i remember fucking dude i was like laughing so

fucking hard that's awesome man there was like a hot chick next to me and I was like, this guy is fucking hilarious. And she just didn't say anything back. And I was like, I was like, all right, well. Good shit. Yeah, that's usually

how it goes. Hot chick stomach. Yeah, man. You're one of those comics that's like, I like, I mean, I like storytelling comics. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, dude, like you just have like, I felt like your way of telling stories that you feel like you're almost there oh that's cool man because like whenever someone tells a story like you know you're you're thinking about it in your head right you know everyone has their own way of imagining it and you know yeah it just played out really well in my head oh that's good yeah you never

know about that so sometimes you forget about like wait other people have to like like process this yeah I mean some people might not but that's right it's like what are you doing here yeah that's true yeah there's definitely people that don't process it yeah so that's cool man yeah no i was impressed with you too man not to keep not to suck your dick but yeah no there's no dick no but no that's cool you said that because i was impressed because this kid i I think Eric texted me saying, hey, I think, I don't know if I was hosting or something. Was I the host? No, I think we were just doing spots.

You did one of the last spots. Oh, someone gave me a list of like who was on it and he said this kid, or he might have texted me after, how is John? Yeah. And I was like, oh, I was impressed. Like he, I was like, I didn't know what to expect. In all caps lock, you were like, never have this kid on again. Yeah, yeah.

No, it threw me off because I wasn't expecting, you know. You never know what to expect. Anyone could be dead. Yeah, you really don't. I was just like, holy shit, this dude's wild. Yeah, man. Comedy is cool, man. Yeah.

It's weird. It's different for us. Obviously, you know, we're different ages. But like, we're both just like, you know, we both think farts are funny. are funny you know what i mean oh we're both we're both just here to have a good time but like you know i've noticed like you know not just being young but just in general man like a lot of a lot of comics are just kind of dicks you know yeah there's a lot of people like wound tight or like take take everything so seriously yeah like like, I can be a very serious person with just, like, my own, like,

worries and life and shit, but, like, as far as, like, comedy and, like, issues and all that, I try not to, like, I got my own

life to worry about. Yeah. I'm not, like, all caught up in, like, making comedy an issue. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know what I'm talking about right now,

but... No, that makes perfect sense. Like, let's just fucking chill, dude. Yeah, no, that makes perfect sense, man. Right. Like, that's perfectly said. Like, it's like, dude, this is... I mean, I, you know,

I just turned 24, so... Yeah. I mean, I started when I was 20, so, like, I never, like, I never say, you know, hey, I'm a comedian. I'm just like... Yeah. I'm like, yo, guys, like, I'm a comedian I'm just like yeah I'm like yo guys

like I'm uh I do stand-up comedy and you know I'm just gonna go up there and talk about farts for like 10 minutes yeah that's sick that's all it is you know what I mean yeah and uh I told myself when I started I'm like you know if if I ever start to like not be myself then I'll just stop you know yeah but there's like dude there's like there's some kind like even if I ever start to, like, not be myself, then I'll just stop, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But there's, like, dude, there's, like, there's some kind of, like, even if I ask, like, a comic to, you know, come on the podcast or something, like, they'll just be, like, a dick about it, and it's, like, you know, you could just say no, man. Yeah, yeah.

What is there to say, yes or no? Like, why? Yeah, yeah. It's, like, it's just, like's just like this weird world man you know i feel like it's a lot more complicated than it should be but i mean dude i like talking to people like you because it's just like it's simple man it's like dude we're just here to have a good time yeah you gotta keep it simple and like sift through the bs like not get caught up in any yeah it's it's confusing man especially when you're young too a lot of older comics uh i mean

i don't say anything in general so it's not, but I see people like my age like comics. Yeah. You know, they'll try to talk to like the older comics, and I don't know much, so I just want to be like, dude, just be yourself, man. Like, you don't have to like haggle this guy, you know? Right. Like, a lot of people my age will be like, dude, tell me all your fucking secrets, man. It's like, dude, just, you know, walk up to him and,

you know, rip one, dude. Do something. Yeah. Let that fart out. Yeah. There's nothing better.

Like I like talking to older comics just about like their day to day life, man. Yeah. That stuff's hilarious to me. Yeah, man. You know, and then they'll ask me about my day to day life and they'll just be like

wicked confused. So it's like, I love confusing people, man. Yeah. I know it sounds weird, but like just seeing confusion in the, life and they'll just be like wicked confused so it's like it's i love confusing people man yeah i know it sounds weird but like just seeing confusion in the crowd dude there's just no feeling like it oh that's good yeah that's an interesting as i i kind of like i like when um when the silence hits of like not with silence Me bombing, but like when I know everyone's fucking listening. Thinking about it, yeah. You're all listening right now.

Yep. But Confusion, that's a good one. Yeah, dude, like just unable to process. I could get pissed. I gotta chill. I got pissed. I did a show recently and I could see, it's funny you say that. recently and I could see, uh, it's funny you say that. I, I had never thought of it as confusion, but, uh, they were looking at me like, like they were confused, but I didn't like connect that

that's what it was. And I just wanted to like stab him, drop, kick him off the seat. Yeah. I was really pissed. Yeah. Don't just don't look at me like that. You know? Yeah. This one guy was like this. He was like, this one guy came with his wife and he's sitting there and he literally went like this in the middle of my set. Really? Yeah.

Do you know what part it was at? No, I don't remember. Yeah. I was like, I had like two dialogues going into my head. I was like doing my like set and shit and at the same time

I was like, I'm gonna fucking surprise everyone right now and stab this guy you know yeah man some people you're just like dude why are you here yeah it's uh but i mean you ever like see a comic who's like wicked old school and they have like their jokes written out and they know i'm like word for word they sound like a robot and they go up and they fucking kill dude yeah it's just like all 80 year olds who are like yeah yeah i know john lennon like right right yeah i could be like i'm like in the middle of that yeah and then you go up and like you're more like modern day like talking about like smelling your own farts and stuff right like they're just like they're like what did he say

like yeah that's the best man like i love that dude yeah that's good it's like i don't i don't want to impress those people you know what i mean but i don't know man that's you know like you said just be yourself yeah that's all you can do yeah some people tell i mean some people will tell you not to be yourself i like to sometimes if i can if i can impress an old person though yeah like an old if i get an old lady excited bro like that gets me hot, too. Yeah, like, I have an older mom, dude, so I know what they find funny, dude. Oh, yeah.

So, like, I can stoop to that level, but it's... What? Stoop to their level? Yeah, dude. I'll do it easily, man. Right. Like, going over speed bumps fast, shit like that. Yeah.

I love that shit, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, their son might be telling them a story, and they're like they think the cat's purring you know what i mean right right right so it's like yeah just shit like that but like to me that's wicked depressing that is depressing bro yeah yeah it's like just shit like that man it's just like uh they just grew up in a different time so it's like that's what it is yeah i to, you know, it's good if you can, you know, number one, like you said, be yourself.

But it is good if you're able to, like, crack. If you crack one of them, like, get them to, like, go, oh, shit, you know what? I do like smelling my own farts. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's cool, too. Oh, yeah. It's cool to see them confused, but it's it's also cool if like you see one of them go

oh i come when i shit too yeah you know what i mean dude you know what's the best is like people who don't laugh the entire set uh right you know exactly who it is yeah and then after the show they're like dude i really liked your shit and you're like what yeah dude that does happen yeah that's the weirdest don't laugh but they like enjoy it they're just like there to listen it was very That was very good. I was impressed. Yeah. And you're like, dude, I was watching you the whole time.

Yeah, you weren't laughing. Yeah. They're just mesmerized. That's what it is. Yeah, I don't know. That's what I'm going to think now. Next time I'm bombing, I'm going to just be like, everyone's mesmerized right now. Yeah.

I mean, dude, they pretty much are. That's what I'm going to say. They're basically, like, hypnotizing people. That's what it is. If next time I bomb real bad, I'm just going to get off and be like, they went mesmerized. Yeah. You should scream that before you get off. Yeah.

Like let them know. Yeah. Yeah, just be like, yeah, as you close and like, well, I've had you guys all under my hypnosis and when I snap my fingers, you will be back. Yeah. Oh, man. That's crazy man yeah comedy dude comedy is uh i don't know man like i said dude like i'm not uh i'm not someone to be like yo you know i'm a fucking comedian you know i'm just uh i just say it like i'm a i'm just a 24 year old who does stand-up comedy yeah because i like that bothers me man you know

like if you say you're a comedian you know you better you better be making money yeah it seems like uh it seems like a legitimate thing to say you know like i feel like you should have to be able to back it up back it up yeah yeah it's almost like saying like you know i'm a therapist or like a lawyer it's like that's true yeah that's just the way i think about it you know yeah no you're right i um i think i have it on my instagram comedian which i feel a little corny about but like no like you you are no but like it's a yeah it's like i'm in between like i i do it on the side i still i make a little bit of money on it but i'm not but i don't i want you know i am moving in that direction i think you know yeah definitely i don't know it's me visualizing getting out of being a janitor the rest of my

life yeah which i'd be totally okay with but dude dude's got a dream too you know what i mean oh yeah i don't have it as like my profession on facebook you know yeah yeah i don't it doesn't say like works at comedian on facebook it says like works at worcester public schools i would definitely like if i was you i would definitely put comedian yeah fuck it you know i'm i don't know we'll see yeah i think i just have it on that as instagram because like i i'm not putting like you know anything too serious on there i think with you it's like just being younger i don't know if this means anything to you but like i'll see people all the time and like instantly

i'll just be like this guy's gonna this guy's gonna make it one day yeah i mean it's not like i think he's gonna make it it's like this guy it's just a matter of time you know what i mean yeah fuck yeah dude yeah like it's not uh i don't know it's not really like that hard to like tell for some people it is yeah you never know like who's gonna make it but i think you're doing everything right you know like i don't have facebook or anything like that so like i'm not i'm not i don't know anything like about like you know i'm not following you like your life but i've seen i've seen your comedy and it's just like facebook's a real old person thing to have yeah dude oh i cry i mean i don't use facebook but when i used to use it i would just cry going on there

you know what i mean yeah everybody putting up like their emotions and stuff it is sad huh it's like dude what happened to just like being by yourself right you know just listening to shania twain dude shedding a few tears but just, dude, with a lit candle and the lights off. Yeah. Like, why do you got to tell people you're doing that? What's the deal with, um, so, like, yeah, you're younger than me, like, and I find that, like, like, my, the kids that were my age got, like, way wrapped up into social media. Do you feel like kids your age are less involved with it

a little bit no okay that's all it is yeah it's literally it's almost like another uh like another reality it is another reality it's an addiction yeah um and like i think there's like a there's a show on netflix now that kind of goes over it. Oh, yeah, The Social Dilemma. Yeah, the people who created it. I've got to watch that. They have their algorithms and shit. Damn. I don't know, man. I mean, I don't want to be the guy who's like, you know, fucking.

Because I like, dude, I love going on Instagram, making far videos and stuff. Putting funny stuff up, yeah. I think it's a great tool. It just depends how you use it, just like anything else. Right. I mean, some people are using it to, you know, get laid. I think it's a great tool. It just depends how you use it, just like anything else. I mean, some people are using it to get laid. That's mostly what it is.

That is what it is. And, dude, don't get me wrong, man. I'm not the type of guy who's going to do that. I'm probably going to be just looking at pictures of hot chicks and being like, what if? Right, right. You know. Like, dude, every single girl I've talked to who's seen my Instagram has been like, it's over. Like, it's done. I think we can both agree.

Dude, I think it's genius. It makes sense. No, I think it's genius. I think you're onto something. I mean, I'm not. I think you're onto something. I'm just saying, like, I'm not using it. I'm not like, yo, you guys should totally check out my Instagram. Right.

I'm just like, it's like, it goes back to that confusion thing. Oh, like, I'm not using it. I'm not like, yo, you guys should totally check out my Instagram. Right. I'm just like, it's like, it goes back to that confusion thing. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Yeah.

Dude, I just want people to just like, when I die, whenever that is, you know, if I drive through an oil rig tomorrow,

I just want people to be like, dude, this kid, this kid was himself. You know what I mean? Right. Like,

he just wanted to laugh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he did. That's all it is, dude. So, dude, I love making skits, man man i always think about them too yeah we gotta do one sometime yeah team up it's so much fun man it's just like even if it doesn't work out like sometimes you

know sometimes skits don't work out yeah comedy and stuff but it's just like fun to try them out just to see uh yeah i gotta start throwing more shit at the wall you know yeah yeah like guys i get what i do is like i i i bust a nut like i'll bust a really big nut yeah and i'll be like and i don't i don't want i'm not a round two guy okay you know what i'm saying like in any regard yeah yeah i bust one nut and i'm good for like a month. Yep. That's what I mean. What did I mean? Nothing wrong with that, dude. No. So like it would be good to meet, maybe if I started drinking some beet juice. Oh, dude.

I'm telling you, dude. I might start like pumping out some more shit. No joke, dude. Yeah. Do it for a week, man. Okay. Dude, you'll be shooting ropes. Really?

No joke, dude. All right. I guarantee it. All right. Yeah. I'm getting on the beet juice. Oh, dude. You're going to think about me too

yeah better give me a shout out i will do yeah man dude making uh yeah there's a lot of like depressing shit that comes with that though dude like the whole instagram thing because it's like i mean that to me like i don't know any of the the stats or anything but like that has to be like the number one cause of anxiety and depression with kids today. Oh, my God. But it's like, dude, why are you depressed over that shit? You know what I mean? It's so sad.

My daughter's on there. You know, it's like just because Becky didn't like your photo, like, that's why you're crying. I worried about that with my daughter because she's on Instagram and all that and she's, like, 15. And she doesn't care about Instagram, really. Yeah. Dad doesn't fuck with her,

but her TikTok, you know, quarantine, high school shutdown, all she had to do was like make, that was like her fun thing to do, being like trapped in the house for like two months. Yeah. Just make TikToks, and you could tell like she'd get like bummed out

like when some like TikToks didn't hit, and I'd be like, dude, whatever, just fart like when some like tiktoks didn't hit and i'd be like dude whatever just fart into the just farting into it dude yeah that's all that's all it is yeah so yeah i mean i don't know man i think it takes like a certain level of balls yeah i mean like i think a lot of life is just about respect man and i do i respect the shit out of people who just put up skits and they're just like i don't care what people think about this that's a good one you know what i'm saying like i mean you could make a skit you know this afternoon that like yeah you know succumbs to everyone's needs right right now but yeah it wouldn't be

funny you know that's true yeah it wouldn't be right if it was just to like everybody oh yeah yeah made a fart video though dude right killing it yeah yeah 100 yeah man i just uh like just think about like uh i mean dude like granted like you know you make a skit like when i watch a skit i'm gonna laugh right yeah i'm gonna show people people are gonna laugh but there's also gonna be some people who are like you know i'm gonna i'm gonna read the wall street journal right now yeah you know, I'm going to read the Wall Street Journal right now. Yeah. And, you know, eat my gluten-free, you know, whatever. Waffle. Yeah, whatever they are, dude. But, I mean, like, I think that's just, like, inevitable, dude.

Like, it's going to happen regardless. No, some people just don't get it. They don't care. Yeah, the confusion thing again. Like, I know my daughter told me she showed my video to some, one of my videos to somebody, and they were like, yeah, it's funny, but, like, I don't get it. Dude, that's hilarious. That's hilarious, dude.

Yeah. Dude, I see people, like, who I used to know that would, like, typically wave to me and, like, say hi who just walk by now. Wow. now wow and i i can tell it's like they're like this kid just hasn't grown up yet yeah but dude that's hilarious yeah that's so funny right you know what i mean like i'm not i'm not trying to please it like you know those people dude right i don't know man it just is like we we all like we all have different senses of humor but it's's, like, how long can it last, man? You know what I'm saying? No, you're just gonna just have fun while you're here, you know? Yeah.

But, I mean, dude, I definitely think, like, not to be depressing, but, like, that stuff will definitely cause, like, depression and anxiety with a lot of people. Because they're just like, fuck, like, I can't impress this person. Like, they need, like, some sort of validation. Validation's huge. Yeah, dude. But yeah dude but like i mean that's a good point that's like but that's what's good about comedy like you get instant validation yeah but you get bummed out really yeah you know yeah but it's just like anything else man that's why i like comedy it's like if you're funny dude like i mean laughter is kind of your validation right right whereas know, if you had a regular job, you don't really get that much validation. But, I mean, I don't think you should really need it, you know? No.

It's kind of a shitty way to look at things. It is, man. Yeah, I just want to have fun, make people laugh, and, like, I honestly just, I like doing some, I like, I like doing Some I like I like uh Creating shit And I don't wanna

I was just talking about this earlier today Like I could You know I have a good life Outside of like doing comedy Like I don't need it Like I don't I'm not But I

I do need that like uh Outside It's just a creative thing You know It's a creative outlet To uh I'm not, but I do need that, like, outside. It's just a creative thing, you know? It's a creative outlet to. Yeah, you're literally just turning nothing into something. Right, right. Yeah.

Like, I could just mow my lawn, drink beet juice, bang my girlfriend. I almost said bang my girlfriend and, you know, be happy. And that's it. I said, bang my girlfriend and, you know, be happy. Yeah. And that's it. But I have, like, this other thing where I want to, like. Yeah, it's almost like a sickness. It's a sickness, yeah. It's a legitimate sickness. Yeah.

It's not normal. Yeah, it's like a mixture of, like, validation and just for you, just a creative person and you just got, like, a little itch to, like, to, you know, flex your. Yeah, I think it's just like, I wasn't meant to be fucking normal, you know? Right, right. Like I had a shitty fucking childhood

and I have to like create something out of that. Yeah, me too, me too. It's like no comedian I've ever seen that succeeded was just like some normal. No. It's just like like doesn't really happen too often yeah my shit yeah i had a weird weird childhood too but it's like i mean you're making humor out of that though so it's right i mean i don't know man yeah i knew i knew i knew

i'm just like surprised like because you see people change all the time like i mean you must see i mean you must have seen in the past too like people who used to think farts are funny like one day they just like hit that wall where they're like you know what dude i need to figure my shit out yeah they get serious and all that um i've seen i've gotten messages from people here and there like very this is very little but people i wouldn't think would be like down with what i'm doing like think like man this kid's you know never gonna get this kid's like what is he thinking he's like he thinks he's gonna be a comedian still yeah what is he doing and uh you just get a message from like some like person that's like's an insurance agent. And they're like, dude, love what you're doing.

It's so funny. And you're like, whoa, I thought you just... You know what I mean? I thought you probably were looking down at me. You never know. Yeah, you never know who's watching. Right. Yeah, man. That must feel so good, though, man.

Yeah. Because how did you start? Was it recommended to you or you were just like i'm gonna try this out um mix of both like it was like it was something i put off for years i didn't start until four years ago okay you know like a little little over four years ago. I want, the first thing I wanted to do when I was a kid, just to like really quickly go back, was I wanted to, I saw the Bon Jovi Living on a Prayer music video. Oh, wow. And he's like flying over the crowd like on like strings and shit.

And I was like, oh, that's what I want to do when I grow up, is just like fucking fly over the crowd on a string. Yeah. That's what I want to do when I grow up. It's just like fucking fly over the crowd on a string. Yeah. That's what I wanted to do when I grow up. Someday I might fly over the crowd on a string. That would be sick. That would be so sick, dude. That would be fucking sick, dude.

Just rip one. So that, I always had this, this like I wanted to perform And I'd like Make the family laugh And shit when I was little You know like But then I got like Real dark

Like There was like A lot of crazy family shit Like when I was young Shit went dark And I kind of like Stopped And then I

Then I got into like Getting really fucked up And like Middle school Through high school And then Like drugs fucked up in middle school through high school. Like drugs fucked up? Yeah, drugs and stuff. Not like heroin, but just out of control, like juvenile delinquent.

And then after that, I had my kid the second I got out of high school. Then I was just like, oh shit, my life's over. I'm just a dad now. That's all it is. I just got to be a dad. I became a janitor full time. I was like, all right, I guess I'm a i became a janitor full-time i was like all right well i guess i'm a dad and a janitor now yeah that's that's what i do and i thought that was

it and then it was like then like i remember i was working nights as a janitor and i saw they had like comedy classes at night at this this community college i was like damn man i wish i could do that i couldn't do it because i was working nights yeah and then uh some more years went by and then i got moved to the day shift and i was like oh maybe i could go out at night and do comedy now yeah and then i was like either i'm gonna give it a shot yeah that's when it started you know uh-huh so did you bomb the first time you went on well no the first time was like a um a, the first time was like a bringer type of thing, like a performance, like it was at Dick's in Boston, Dick's Great Escape.

Dick's Sporting Goods? Yeah, it was a bringer at Dick's Sporting Goods in the hunting section. Just on like shrooms, like talking a golf ball. Yeah, I did way better than I thought. No,

it was good. Like all these people I knew came out and I was like, oh yeah, and like fucking killed it and then like, then I went to my first

open mic like after that and I ate the biggest bag of cheese I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. So you had people

who supported you though yeah the first yeah that's what happened with me dude yeah the whole town was just like John's gonna speak

and everyone just speak was like load up the buses dude yeah they were like this kid's gonna talk

yeah cause I was like I was basically mute like oh wow yeah throughout middle school throughout high school

you know I was always that kid like dude if it got quiet though in class yeah like 364 days of the year, I wouldn't say a word. And then one day, I would just scream vagina, dude. And the teacher would just be like, what the fuck? Are you serious?

Oh, yeah. It was legendary, man. That's awesome. Dude, I still am wicked quiet. This is kind of like my area to talk. I feel comfortable doing this. But, like, you know, you see me at Lowe's or Dick's Sporting Goods, you know. Yeah.

I'm just going to be, like, a quiet, like, almost mute, you know, guy. But, yeah, dude, people were just like, wow, like, dude. I want to, like, I almost feel like the majority of them were like, I want to see this kid eat a fucking dick, dude. Yeah, of course. But that's just me being negative. Like, realistically, they were like, I to i want to know like what he's gonna say yeah they're curious and then uh yeah dude i had a bunch of people come out the first time and then like after that i went to a legitimate open mic and i was like it's over

yeah yeah it was fucking dude i remember the first open mic i did i forgot my jokes so i farted on stage did you really yep i walked in the corner that's awesome i was like i just farted on stage. Did you really? Yep, I walked in the corner. That's awesome. I was like, I just farted.

Just to like, recuperate. Yeah. Like, what the fuck was I gonna talk about? Did they like that? No,

they were like, I'm getting out of here. I saw a whole table get up and leave. They were like, it's over. Oh my God. But I didn't,

I didn't know what, I didn't know what an open mic was, dude. No, I didn't either. I didn't know that's how you started to come.

I didn't know where to, I didn't know what I was doing, bro. Yeah, I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm mic was, dude. No, I didn't either. I didn't know that's how you started. I didn't know what I was doing, bro. Yeah, I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing either. But like, yeah, they were just like, gotta go to open mics. That's crazy, man. I thought an open mic was like,

literally, I thought it was just, I didn't even know they had comedy open mics. I thought that's just like where they had like acoustic people like singing with the guitar and shit. I didn't know they did that for comedy. Dude. That's how like out of touch I was. you want to know how out of touch i was dude i used to make these uh snapchats in high school yeah i made a compilation of all my snapchats like very similar to the videos i make now and i put it up on youtube i got like a thousand views and like the majority

of the videos were me trying to light my farts on fire. Oh, that's the best. With my girlfriend at the time. Good girlfriend. So, dude, it's just like videos of me trying to like light my farts on fire. I had a few with like a legitimate potato launcher. Just like out of this world stuff. And I called John Parada. I'm like, dude, you got to check out this video on YouTube, man. John was like alright buddy yeah

just never called me back wow that's great dude yeah I had no idea what stand up was I was just like this is what they do yeah wow that's how out of touch I was you should light your phone on fire on stage 100% dude but dude I was so out of touch I was. Dude, you should light your phone on fire on stage. Yeah, 100%.

That would be amazing. But, dude, I was so out of touch, man. I had no idea. That's good, though, man, that, like, I could see you having, like, a bunch of people, like, come out, you know? Yeah, it's gotten, you know, over the past, you know, few years, it's been ups and downs, but I feel like it's in a progressive, good way. Yeah, who's, like, the coolest comic the coolest comic you've met or worked with? Oh, man. There's so many good ones.

So many dickheads, too. Yeah. Did I look up to more? Yeah, just where you worked with them, and you were like, well, this guy's fucking awesome. I want to be like this guy. One of my favorites is Brian Higginbottom. Have you met him?

Yeah. Yeah, he's fucking, he's definitely, like, hanging with him, like, watching what he does. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's, uh. Yeah, I sent him a Facebook message. Oh, you did? Yeah.

I was like, dude, I love your stuff, man. I loved watching your set last night, and he just didn't respond. I was like, it's all right, you respond. I was like, it's all right. Oh, man, it's all right. We'll get him next time, dude. Yeah, he probably just said no. He was probably like, this kid's a make-a-wish. I don't think he goes on Facebook much.

It's all right, dude. I only cried for like a few hours. You got to get him on Instagram. You got to slide in his DMs. Yeah, I'll probably just leave him alone. Yeah. He probably saw my set and was like, this fucking kid. Yeah, yeah.

No, he's, he's, I like, I like him a lot. And, uh, like we were saying earlier, Roger Rodriguez. Yeah. Amazing. You know? Yeah, man, he laughed at me, uh, at one of my disabled jokes. Ooh, nice. Yeah, dude, I was like, dude, I'm, I'm, I'm up there now, man.

Yeah. Like, I'm legitimately famous now. Well, that should tell you. No, I'm just kidding. I wasn't like that. I I'm legitimately famous now. Well, that should tell you. Yeah, but. No, I'm just kidding. I wasn't like that. I was just kidding. But that's a good sign, you know. Yeah, man.

He was wicked nice, man. Like, he was a really cool dude. Yeah, he really is. Like, really just wicked fucking nice, dude. Genuine, yeah. Yeah, him and Orlando. Have you met Orlando Baxter? Yeah, man.

Yeah, he's good, too. Dude, they're all, like, really nice guys, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those are my favorites. Crazy, dude. When you talk to guys like that, you're like, wow, dude, there's actually nice comics out there, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those are my favorites. It's crazy, dude. When you talk to guys like that, you're like, wow, dude,

there's actually nice comics out there, man. Right. Yeah, and then you talk to some people and they just, like, won't even look at you and you're just like, oh, fuck, man. Yeah.

Have you met Brian Gawacki yet? Yeah, of course, man. Yeah, yeah, he's good, too. He's helped me out probably more, you know. Actually, I shouldn't say he's helped me more. He has helped me more than most

yeah you know that's when you know man when people are like willing to uh like go out of their way to help you yeah

that's something else man that's like almost unheard of nowadays I know right it's crazy man yeah it is weird why would anyone

want to help anyone yeah it's bizarre yeah it's fucking nuts man yeah but dude he's uh dude all those guys are like

right yeah right yeah man yeah it's a good time so just those guys yeah and then like my friends like

that I like that I hang with like that are like I'd say at the same you know we're all around the same level-ish kind of thing

like Jesse Berlingame and Paul Cyphers and Eric Taylor and... I'm just doing this so, like, you forget one of them. Yeah, I know. That's what I feel like. And they watch it and they're like... I'm like, did I go into the females yet? Kinderland? No, we'll let them know.

We'll send them a separate message, dude. I'm going to send people messages and be like, I can't believe I forgot you. Sean Conley, Brian O'Donnell. No, I don't know. No, dude, I really appreciate you for coming on. Thank you, man. Like I said, dude, this was honestly like a make a wish, dude. Fuck yeah. I'm going to remember this forever, dude. Thank you, man. Like I said, dude, this was honestly like a make a wish, dude. Fuck yeah.

I'm going to remember this forever, dude. Hell yeah, me too. Yeah, man. Right away you were like, dude, I'm coming. And I was like, holy shit, man. This guy's the man, dude.

Oh, that's... But yeah, dude, I'll put the description to your podcast in the video. That way people can check it out, dude. All right, cool. Maybe, you know,

they can check out some of your skits and stuff. Yeah. I'm sure people will love it, man. Hell yeah. You you know they just got to be more open-minded really that's what it is yeah but no dude i really appreciate you coming man and um hopefully we'll see each other in the future dude you know yeah no we're gonna do some shit man yeah dude talk about some farts and shit you know what i'm saying fight your neighbors yeah fuck yeah man all right