The Johnny Salami Podcast - Joe

Episode Date: September 6, 2020

On this episode of the podcast, we are joined by another one of my childhood best friends Joe. Growing up, Joe and I were always playing sports together wether it be basketball, baseball, or football. Joe would make fun of me for being fat, and I would make fun of him for being Jewish. Together, we were unstoppable.

Yo. Look at that fucking loser. I don't know man, he doesn't look too happy. Yo, fuck's sake! Is that your sister's shirt or what? You're such a dick. What do you mean? I'm gonna go talk to him. Hey man, don't look so excited.

I'm sorry my friend's a dick. We're having some people over tonight. How would you feel about coming over? So what did that weird guy say? I don't want to talk about it. Fucking assholes, man. All right, what's going on, everyone? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami Podcast. Today guest, uh, another one of my childhood best friends, uh, Joe Fine. Thanks for coming here, man

Thanks for being here. So not anymore. Just a childhood best friend. No, not anymore No, it's good to see you man, um, thanks for having me I really appreciate you coming here. Uh for those of you Who don't know, Joe, you've been fucking bouncing around everywhere. You went to New Mexico for a while and then New York City. And now you're in Boston. And I don't know why. I really don't.

So can you just tell me, you know, why I move around? Yeah, dude. Like what goes on in your head? Because I really don't know. It's almost like an itch so you know uh moving around growing up and living all over the country indiana iowa north carolina rhode island uh new mexico now new york it's just like i don't know something that's like tells me to move around a little bit but that's done so now i'm gonna stay in massachusetts rhode island forever it's the game plan yeah but dude like i mean you told me when

you were younger you were gonna move to idaho and i cried like i remember that i do remember that yeah i like i actually cried i will never move to idaho though because idaho's fucking shithole dude it's not where i want to be yeah but new mexico is you know not where i want to be either yeah but what happened so you moved out to new mexico to coach football like what happened yep so i was coaching college football um loved coaching loved my players loved recruiting like the whole deal i just didn't i was not a good fit for the town it has like a town square with like horses and there's like a like there's no taxis or ubers and like the schools burst our office takes like cash like it's like the 18th century it's just it's just old school shit yeah

it's it's um you know for some people it's really cool but for me like i want to be able to go out and have a drink at uber home like i couldn't even go out and have drinks because like there was no way to get home so you're just basically in the middle of nowhere yeah but you liked coaching though loved it absolutely loved it i just can't wrap my head around it dude like you not being a coach i can't like it bothers me deep down like just as your friend you know i mean like i just can't see you doing anything else it's like seeing me like in an office and just being like what's wrong with him you know what i I mean? Yeah, you know, I always wanted to be a coach. Everybody in my family was a coach. I'm the first man to not actually coach.

But I made the decision that I did not want to continue moving every two years. Right? Like the average coach is somewhere for one and a half to two years. And I like the idea of having a home base, like creating a spot where I can be like, okay, no matter where I'm at, what I'm doing, like I can go back there. Is there something funny in that? Oh, dude. So you have been getting me in trouble since the first day, basically, that we ever met.

met right the only time that i have ever had a teacher call home or call my dad at his work was because of you in science class and i don't know if you remember the specifics i think you put that on yourself though it was seventh grade science i don't remember jones i remember you put that upon yourself dude was it miss jones well miss jones miss jones was there for a while and she left probably because of you and then uh it's not because then there was a new there for a while, and then she left, probably because of you. And then there was a new teacher who started with an M, Mrs. Mariota, something like that. Marcus Mariota's wife. No. Started with an M, though, dude. I remember she had some fucking knobs, dude.

No, that was, okay, Miss Viola. No, no, that was different. She had a breast reduction, but I never had her as a teacher. Now, I remember, dude, I remember being in science class, and I remember you would always just shout stuff out. You thought you were funny. Now you're misremembering. Dude, I never spoke in class.

There was only random moments where I would burst out. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I don't want to hear that. Okay. Every time that I would read, because we went around the room and people would have to read from the textbooks, and they'd be like,

all right, Joe, you have page 27, paragraph two. And I'd start to read and I'd hear something out of the corner from you across the room, just something subtle. And I'd look over and you'd make a fucking face or something, and I would start crying, laughing, and I couldn't go back to reading. I'd actually be unable to continue with what I was doing in class.

Yeah. But dude, you were also probably reading in like a funny voice. Like I doubt you were reading in like a normal voice. I don't know. Because I remember, I remember you getting yelled at once. I remember Miss Jones yelling at you. She was like, Joe, can you just stop trying to be fucking funny, you piece of shit. And then you like, you, can you just stop trying to be fucking funny, you piece of shit? And then you, like, you made, like, a suicide joke.

Like, you put a gun to the back of your head because I sat behind you. And then I started laughing. And I remember you in trouble for that. But I think you put most of it upon yourself. But there were classes, like, academic enrichment. I remember making, like, teachers, like, legitimately cry. But that was just because, like, we would just, would just like scream stuff that just didn't even make sense like we weren't yelling actual words we were just well so all of that kind of ties into the reason why i

kind of did probably try and be funny when i was younger was like the moving thing all the time right like trying to move and make new friends like all over the place like yeah my way of like making new friends was like trying to make people laugh and playing sports like those are the two things I did yeah you were always really good at like socializing with people like uh there were like the majority of the time you would basically have to speak for me because like I didn't know I didn't know how to read or words so you'd be like this is my friend a little bit of that a little bit no dude i'm serious man like you half of the friends i have are basically because of you you know well through sports too right like i got like i helped to bring you along to playing football like i was

recruiting you basically for like a while yeah dude well i mean it was weird because like we were i mean you i mean you still are jewish uh i was fat because we were, I mean, you still are Jewish. I was fat, so we would kind of go back and forth, you know? Like, you would make fun of me for being fat, and then I'd be like, you're Jewish. Right. You know what I mean? So we would go back and forth. But then when football came along, like, I was too fat, you know?

Like, you were like, John, you have to lose weight. Yeah, you were like 10 pounds over the weight limit. No, I was like younger. I was like 30. I think i weighed 185 190 yeah you were 185 and the weight limit was like 165 yeah i lost a lot of weight dude yeah but that was like my first uh even like interacting with kids like like i didn't even you know like you had to show me the way you know what i mean so like you were always the more sociable one, whereas I was, like, it would have been different, though, if I, like, didn't know how to catch a ball, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, I mean.

Like, I had 30-pound tits, but I could, you know. You could do stuff. I could, you know, I could make it out there, you know what I mean? Like, I think I had more hand-eye coordination than most of the kids. How many games of one-on-one basketball do you think me and you played in the front thousands i'm a really really sore loser as you know because every time you beat me especially when i first moved here and you were actually could shoot and i couldn't play or dribble or do anything yeah and uh we would just i just force you to keep playing until i i was i

didn't like you at all i just didn't like you but yeah i mean like dude everyone has that like one friend that's like overly competitive but like nowadays no one's gonna have that friend you know what i mean unless they have like a brother you know yeah like people who have like brothers like they get into like scuffles and shit. And, you know, I remember doing that with you when I, like, actually tried. Most of the time I would just let you win, though. Yeah, because I wouldn't leave until I won. Yeah.

It'd be, like, time to go in for dinner. Your mom would be, like, calling out the door and I'd be like, nope. No, no, we're in the middle of a game. Yeah. Not going to happen. Yeah, the only thing that kept me going was because, like, I could always beat Joey at basketball. Always, yeah. I could never beat you, but I could beat Joey. So the only thing that kept me going was because I could always beat Joey at basketball. Always, yeah. I could never beat you, but I could beat Joey.

So that kept me going. Yeah, I remember just specifically rejecting Joey's shots just over and over again and just having so much fun with that. Yeah, Joey was an easy target, though. Yeah, very fun. Dude, so you move out to New Mexico. There's literally just nothing there. Yep.

I didn't hear from you for a for a while but I mean I assumed you were doing pretty well how did that like what was like the transition like I mean you played you played football at Bryant so like what was I mean it's your last year and you didn't play that much you had a new coach like what was that like um it was uh so going into my senior year at Bryant right I was a preseason all- all conference player, was ready to get going. And then new coach came in and decided that he was going to basically start the program over from scratch and play a bunch of true freshmen and proceeded to have the two worst years in the history of the program back to back. So what was it? What was the record? I don't know.

My senior year, I think we ended up like three and three or four and two in the league, which is fine. But the year after I graduated, they went two and four in the league. And I think five and six overall or six and five overall. Is he still there? No. It was the first time in the history of the program since my dad took it over in 2004 that they'd finished below 500. Yeah. Like it shouldn't happen there. over in 2004, they'd finished below 500. Yeah. Like, it shouldn't happen there.

Especially now. Like, they have a great setup. So, like, things have improved since then? Well, he left, went to a new school. They proceeded to go 1 in 10. And then they hired a new coach who was previously a high school coach in Florida. And he's a great guy, great coach. So, my guess is they'll get it turned around. Really? Yeah. The worry though, right. Is

recruiting too many Florida kids in the North, right? Cause it gets cold and that's always a challenge for those Southern guys. Right. Really? We had the same issue when I was coaching in Mexico Highlands. So we recruited kids basically from Southern California, junior colleges like Texas, and then we go and play in South Dakota in November, and it's like a foot and a half of snow, and our kids had never played in snow before. They actually froze.

They couldn't play. Really? They stopped. There are some plays on tape where you're like, they didn't even try and tackle. Like, they just watched. Like, they were just too cold to actually play. Would you rather live in Florida and come play football in New England

or live in New England and go down to Florida and get accustomed to the heat, though? Playing in the South after living in the North is super. That's why the Dolphins always beat the Patriots, like, once a year, right? Because the Patriots have to go down to Miami and play in that humidity. And yeah. Yeah. I went to Florida, man.

I didn't like it at all. Like, well, I was in the center, like the dead center. So I wasn't near like fucking retirement homes and shit. Like I was literally dead center in Titville. Dude. Terrible, man. But like like as far as the talent goes, you think there's like a lot of talent down there in Florida? Is it like scattered or is there's a lot of talent down there?

In Florida? Is it scattered, or is there a central hub where it's like, these kids are nasty? Florida has so many good players all over the place. Really? The one thing Florida has that's different is speed. I recruited Jersey my two years, and we took 16 kids out Jersey. We took like Southern California kids, some Texas kids. And like, you can go like to here and get tough kids. You can go here.

Like you go to Florida, get fast kids. And it's at all different positions, right? Like our, our fastest defensive lineman, Florida kids, our fastest receivers, Florida kids. You know, people will leave their hub, you know, to go to Florida just for one thing. And that's fast. You know, going to get guys that are really, really fast. Yeah. Whereas like the Midwest, there's probably like some big boys.

Yeah. That's more of your like typical like lineman bodies. Tough, you know, like fullback tight end. You know, but there are other places like Pittsburgh and like some spots in North Jersey. They have like it's just known for like tough Ohio, like, some spots in North Jersey, they have, like, it's just known for, like, tough Ohio, like, coal mining families. Like, just hard-nosed, like, head-butt you kind of kids. Yeah. Like, how does that, like, work, though, recruiting?

Like, do you get, like, a budget and you're like, we can get this many kids? Or, like, were you, or was it like we have nothing? So, typically, you have a scholarship number, right? And then at our level, we were division two. We had to split it up into partial scholarships to fill out the roster. And so what we typically did was like I would go recruit Newark, New Jersey. And what we did was basically look for kids that qualified for financial aid who were also very smart and had like high GPAs and were good football players. And so if our tuition was $18,000, we'd try and split it in thirds and we'd have a third

get covered by financial aid. A third would get covered from our school, from academic scholarship. And that way we could put them on a third of a football scholarship and their whole schooling would be paid for. So from their perspective, it's like being on a full scholarship. But for us, it was only a third of a scholarship. So we tried to do that a lot. Yeah. What do you like? If you're going on, like, a recruiting trip, like, what do you like? Like, I mean, I have, like, when we were younger, obviously,

like, I would visit Brian and, like, you know, we would sit with your dad and stuff. And he'd be like, you know, like, what do you see in this guy? Like, what do you see in this guy? Like, in my head, you know, I'm thinking about, like, just like gummy bears, like, you know, like, what do you see in this guy? Like, what do you see in this guy? Like, in my head, you know, I'm thinking about, like, just, like, gummy bears, like, you know, playing with each other. What, like, what was going through, like, your guys' heads, though? Like, if you're, like, putting on a tape, like, for a running back specifically, like, and you're like, all right, like, let's look at his footwork.

Like, are you just looking at, like, what, like, is there, like, a checklist? Or is it different for everyone? So, there's a big puzzle big puzzle like the football team. You take 120 guys on a roster and every piece has to fit. And so, for example, my first year coaching, I was coaching running backs, fullbacks, tight ends. And we had five running backs who all played and they all did something different. And so then, you know, when those guys graduate, you're looking at the next recruiting class. You're like, OK, I need a guy who can replace what this person did, which is why, you know, when those guys graduate, you're looking at the next recruiting class. You're like, OK, I need a guy who can replace what this person did, which is why, you know, some of the recruiting isn't even always necessarily like this kid's a scholarship player.

He's going to be great. It's OK. This kid's really academic and he's a good kid. He's never been in trouble like we can get him for the scout team. Like it's super important to have enough scout team guys. So, you know, each each kind of spot is different in what you're looking for and so that's why it's you know it's not super hard to find a lot of good fits because if you find a good kid who plays good football and has good grades like you'll find a spot for him and then like um would you say like it was more like um like the offense like hard to understand or was it kind of like like systematic like didn't you have like an offense like similarly like the the

Buccaneers yeah so we were pro style offense which is like playing with a fullback in a tight end the big difference is the way that we call plays so like some people like we did this at cumberland i think where we would like look at the sideline and they'd give us a number and we just look at like the wristband and it'd be like play five and everyone would line up we everything we did was huddled we had the ability to go no huddle but we didn't like to do it we would prefer to slow the game down but our play calls would be like know, on the ready stem to strong right over, you know, flip 26 or P26 Z5 pump. You know, like it's a long play call. That sounds like a porno.

Yep. Could be. And. Yeah. So that's the big thing is figuring out helping the kids to understand, like what all of it means in the play call. And they only have to listen to their little part. If you're playing tight end, and I said that whole thing, all you have to hear is strong right 26.

And the rest of it doesn't even apply. Really? Oh, man. Isn't that like most plays, though? Yeah, everybody's got a portion of the play call that they listen to. The receivers always listen to the end. Because it's like strong right P26, Z5 pump pump all the receiver needs to hear is he's the z he's running a

five and a pump yeah and i was always so i wasn't that bad on offense but defense dude i was like you you were basically just like taking a latin book and putting it right in front of me and you were like dude figure the shit out man like i had no idea what i was doing well but we did that thing where the linebackers when you were playing d line in high school we'd tap you and just tell you which angle to go remember that we put in that like 335 defense with skirka yeah but i remember they tried to uh get me to play linebacker oh yeah my junior year and i was like i think i was like you're playing sam right yeah i think i was trying to yeah and then And then, yeah, I just didn't understand it at all, like, whatsoever. And then you moved back to D-line, and Nick Giorgio played the Sam.

Yeah, I never, yeah, defense was easy for me. But, like, defensive line, I mean, but linebacker, dude, bro. I was in the middle of a field just trying to find my way out. And, like, dude, I honestly, like, I know this sounds shitty, but, like, not knowing what you're doing out there. Worst feeling in the whole world. Dude, it's the worst feeling. The worst feeling in the whole world.

You can have all the ability physically, but if you don't know what you're doing, dude, just a deer in headlights, man. It's like the worst feeling in the world. Yeah. We talk about playing fast and it's not we're not talking about like your speed, but it's your ability to know what to do and process what's going on around you. And it is impossible to play fast if you don't know what you're doing like because you're going to hesitate like should i go right should i go left like what like where should my eyes be like if you don't know exactly what you're supposed to do like you cannot play fast or play well but you must have like those instinctual

players too like who not only know what they're doing but they know how to react fast to like surprise situations i don't think i'd ever be able to do that, dude. Like, I'd probably just tackle someone on offense. Which is not always the worst thing to do in football. You just get ejected from the game. Just go tackle somebody. Yeah, man, that's pretty crazy, though. I've always wondered that stuff, man.

I mean, you're always good with the X's and O's stuff, man, but, I mean, you basically, I remember you sitting me down, and you were like, all right, John, like, this is what, you know, during Colts and you were like all right john like this is what you know during colts football you're like dude this what are you gonna be doing man like and i was like all right dude i got this man you know just went out there and started fucking eating dirt you know yep but so we're in new mexico and we're going to play a football game in south dakota and it's we know it's going to play a football game in South Dakota. And we know it's going to be a snowstorm, right? Like everybody knows it. But the school doesn't have a big football budget. And there are some cuts and stuff.

So they cut our buses for the game. So we had to go find buses. So we got these buses out of El Paso, Texas. And the two bus drivers, neither of whom spoke English, and they come, they pick us up. And the no English part will come into play, which is why I bring it up. So we get to the game. It starts snowing. Brutal.

We lose like seven to six. Really demoralizing. Get on the bus. We start driving back. And it's a full blizzard. And we're driving in Wyoming up a mountain. And it's full blizzard outside. And the defroster stops working on the front of the bus.

And the door stops closing. So now the door is flipping open on the bus, wide open. We're driving down the highway. So me and the other assistant coach, Matt Clark, who's at Texas Tech now. He's a terrific coach. He goes to the front of the bus. And he's now wiping in front of the bus driver the window so that he can see to drive and i'm holding the door shut with a towel so we go off the road right the bus goes off the road in the middle of

a blizzard in the mountains keep in mind right i'm telling you all these kids like we recruited from texas california like they don't they have no idea what's going on they don't have any they don't have any warm clothes either right like there's like a division two football we don't have big budget for like gear like they don't even have like long sleeve shirt we go off the road and uh the bus behind us goes off the road and all of a sudden we're across a highway in the middle of a blizzard the people coming from the other side of the hill i can't see us so we're gonna get smoked like we can see it happening and so we like get all the kids off the bus and realize that everyone's going to like freeze to death because no, like no one has warm clothing. So we get everybody back on the bus

and my dad, I'm the youngest coach on the staff. My dad's a head coach. He sends me up the mountain to find help. No cell service, middle of Wyoming, up the mountain. And you know, my dad's whistle, right? He's got that like, and like everyone can hear it so i start going up the mountain i hear the whistle and i've been like trained since i was two like when you hear the whistle like go back so i go back down the hill i'm like i was almost at the top like what the heck and one of the other assistant coaches who was like a marine and like knows wildlife he's like bro you're getting tracked by two mountain lions like you have to come back to the bus like you can't go back out there you're gonna get like eaten and so like we we got like three more coaches and then

we went up as like a herd to the top of the hill and like flagged a guy down and i like jumped in the car with him and drove to the next town and we had to like rent out the two hotels and get towed up there it was you think you could take on a mountain lion like if your life depended on it You think you could take on a mountain lion? Like if your life depended on it? Like you're up there by yourself. He's like, yo, you're getting tracked, and then you just see it. Like would you just run or would you be like, I'm going to take this thing on?

I think that most animals, including humans, if they can't see, they have big problems in a fight. So I always feel like not necessarily that I could win, but if i could just get to the eyes i could create some problems yeah just a little eye poke i not a little like it's the eyeballs coming out yeah but you know if it can't see it makes it a lot harder to fight yeah man i wouldn't fuck with uh i don't think i'd fuck with it man i've always i think about that a lot like if i was uh about to get like attacked by a gorilla or something i would just try to stay calm because i feel like they sense your fear so if you just if you're just not scared like you might stand a chance i don't know gorilla gorilla is different you're really not gonna get away with the group because they're smart too that's yeah but like

would you be like why would you even try to fight it, dude? Why would you even try to run, dude? I would just be like, I mean, this is it, man. Fuck it. Like, let's just take it in the ass. Have you seen the video of the gorilla dragging the child, like, through the water at the zoo? Oh, Harambe? Yes.

Yeah, Harambe was a big hit, man. I saw that video for, like, the first time, like, a week ago. Yeah, he didn't kill it, though, did he? He definitely didn't kill the baby. I don't think he killed it, no. No, I think they got it. Yeah. See, I never knew what the whole Harambe thing was about.

Yeah, the baby got into the cage and the gorilla took it. Yeah, I don't think I ever saw that. And then I saw it for the first time. I didn't see the actual video. I heard about it. It was like a big thing, dude. Like it was huge. Bro, it drugged the baby so fast.

It was like... Yeah. And you're like, oh my God. Dude, I love that shit man like planet earth and stuff if you see those gorillas bro there's just something about a gorilla that's like legitimately hilarious like if if i was face to face with a gorilla dude that'd be must watch television dude you know what i'm saying yeah man i uh i don't know man i've never been like out out there you know what i'm saying like

wyoming or anything i had a colleague who lived in wyoming he was like yeah man like i just wanted to get the fuck out just because like there's nothing to do you know so like when there's nothing to do obviously you're gonna see some weird shit man similar to like florida like if you're out in the middle of nowhere dude you're gonna see some shit and just be like i gotta go yeah so when they went and towed the the buses i got in the cop car because they were like a bunch of cops and everything yeah and so they put me in like the back of the cop car and so it's just me and it wasn't like a like when i say the next town it was like 35 minutes down the road it was not like right there and so they're like towing us to the

next town i'm in the back at this cop car and they're like yeah and i was like so what do people do around here and he was like well we do people do around here and he was like well we used to have a zoo and I was like okay he was like but it wasn't like like a super popular zoo it was like a little zoo and apparently they've had like a bunch of like livestock be killed in the last

few years because in their zoo which wasn't like properly staffed they had like a Siberian tiger escape and like it's out it's out there right now it's literally like in wyoming like hunting down and killing things jesus christ dude and so i was like and this was like the first thing this guy said to me and i was like oh i'm never coming back here ever i mean dude that's like the uh that's like the everglades in florida though yeah think about the shit they dump in there dude i always think about like dude imagine going up in

a chopper like me and you and dude like you have no idea what's going on like i'm just like yeah man like we're you know we're going on a business trip or whatever and i just drop you in the middle of the everglades big problems yeah like what are you gonna do i have no shot i'm not a wilderness guy i don't like bugs you're about to get dude you're about to get messed up by an anaconda yeah but just think about it crocodile dude people have pets down there and they're just like yeah like i don't want this anymore they just feed it to the wilderness they're pretty i think it's illegal but they just do it at night probably they must have like park rangers over there like whose job is to like save animals from being eaten by the bigger animals.

Yeah. Like, yeah. But I mean, realistically, like someone could easily just drive down. Like think about how big the Everglades is, dude. It's in people's backyards, man. Not for me. Dude, I was down there for my brother's wedding and we were in Titville, Titusville. I don't know what it's called.

Titusville. I just called it Titusville. Titusville. Titusville. I don't know what it's called. Titusville. I just called it Titusville. Titusville. And, uh, dude, I was on the beach, uh, Coco beach, which is like supposedly like a really nice beach. And like, uh, I remember I saw this like naked woman and I was just like, not upset about it, like at all, dude. And, uh, dude, she was like taking pictures of herself naked. And I'm like with my family dude so i'm like okay like is this just like normal around here and like she was literally dude like

they had uh they had like bars on the beach so like you could walk out onto the patio have a drink you know like have a few beers have a good time dude this lady's legitimately ass naked like bending over and stuff. Like, I'm with my family. And she's, like, taking pictures, dude. She was taking pictures in front of, like, a bunch of people. And people were just straight faced, like, not even fazed, dude. I was, like, but, like, going into that, like, I wouldn't have thought about that.

Is it a nude beach? I don't know. I mean, I hope. I would assume so. I didn't see that many. I didn't see anyone else that was naked except for her. But I think it's just like, I think it's the environment there where they're just like, there's so much crazy shit that goes on that they don't want to fuck with it.

You know what I mean? Like, they're not going to walk up to her and ask questions. They just let it go? And then, dude, I met some other guy who was like, yeah, man, like, there's like nothing to do around here. We just like shoot propane tanks in the middle of fields, which is like, I mean, that's cool, man. But it's like around here, if you said that to someone, they'd be like, okay. You need to be put somewhere. Yeah, you need to be apprehended.

Something has to happen. That would be fucking awesome, though, dude. Watching that, I don't think I would partake in that, but seeing that happen, I'd be like, it's pretty cool, man. It's Hickville, though, as my brother said. It's literally just Hickville in the middle of Florida, man. And it is, dude it's like scary but uh i don't know i know people who like you know like retire down there but that's towards like fort lauderdale and stuff and that's like the nicer area where everyone's just like retired and golfs but like in the middle

man like the shit that goes down it's just like like i would have never thought about that like don't get me wrong i love seeing naked women but like i would have never even like considering the things that i think about i would have never even guessed you know what i'm saying like i think about some weird things but like yeah i wouldn't be like oh i might see like a naked woman today like just bending over in front of a restaurant with your family yeah yeah so yeah man that's that's i mean nobody really know is where you went dude like you just i mean you're at brian dude like we never hung out like that much i was doing my own thing i'm not sure what i was doing but i was doing something uh didn't see you for a while and then you just went right to new Mexico didn't see you for a while again and then

now you're back dude it's kind of weird yeah so um you know same kind of thing right going from high school to college especially when I went to go play for my dad was like I had to like prove myself like a big part of it was like I'm not just here because my dad's the coach like I'm here because I can play and like I'm gonna be one of the guys like I'm not just here because my dad's the coach. Like I'm here because I can play and like, I'm going to be one of the guys, like, I'm not going to be the guy who like tells the coaches what happened on the weekend, you know? And so I had to go over the top and do like a lot of like stuff to like form relationships with the guys on the team, like the older guys to prove that like, I wasn't, you know, a rat. Yeah. So it took up, you know, it took a lot of time to get that. long how long like what was

like your proving point uh athletically the the moment that i felt like i belonged was we went to go play the number one team in the country coastal carolina at coastal did you score a touchdown again uh no the next year i did against coastal but so this was the first time we played them they were number one in the country. There were 85 scholarships. We were like 22, which is a huge difference. And right before the half, we're down 14-7, and the starting fullback who was ahead of me named Hunter, he had an equipment malfunction,

and I went in for the last drive of the half, and we ran power right behind me for the whole length of the drive like i didn't get the ball like i didn't like i just blocked yeah um but then we scored right before the half to tie it up against the number one team in the country and like i had played the whole drive for the first time and i was like okay i can like i can do this if this is the number one team in the country and i can block some of these guys like i'll be okay yeah that would have been funny though oh i got blown up though oh Oh really? So my second snap, we ran ISO.

And for those of you who don't know, I, so it was basically just like if me and John ran at each other with our heads as hard as we could from 20 yards apart. And the guy playing middle linebacker for them played in the NFL. And he was this fifth year senior. He got to be 240 pounds. And I'm a sophomore.

I'm about 215 pounds. And I've dislocated my shoulder six times already that year so I'm in a shoulder sling the whole nine yards and we run iso this man hit me so hard he broke my helmet my chin strap came off I couldn't see my mouthpiece went flying yeah the running back got like 25 yards it was crazy but so the the first fullback was out of the game so I was in and so there was no other fullback on the trip so like i ran to the sideline and there was like one of the like defensive players was watching i like took his helmet like took his mouthpiece and like ran back in the game with the helmet like sliding and like played the rest of the drive with that guy's helmet really yeah

you think you have cte or like oh yeahed. So do you do anything to like prevent it or are you just accepting it? I mean, look, like statistically, if you're looking at fullbacks, like by the ages of like 60 or 70, like I'm I'm going to have some memory issues, especially because the way I played. Right. I was never like the fastest or the strongest or the most athletic. Like the only thing i had two things that helped me play sports one was you know my ability to understand like concepts and like see angles and stuff like mentally i could play the game but then i have a really really hard head and i headbutted everyone i'm sure you remember like some some high school stuff like i just used my head all the time my head was harder than most

other people's yeah and so i used it and that's the way i got by yeah yeah man that's unfortunate but i mean you might want to do something about it you know what i mean like maybe i wouldn't trade any any of my eight years of high school or college football for the world no no no i'm just saying like as you get older maybe just like do a riddle in the morning or something you know as you get older maybe just like do a riddle in the morning or something you know probably gotta do something i guess i don't know i've kind of embraced it yeah man that's pretty uh it's pretty serious stuff man that's uh i mean i don't even know man like uh i'm thinking about like all the stupid shit we used to do but uh i just kind of wanted to get the serious stuff out of the way

because I did actually have some questions, you know? Like, I'm sorry I'm being serious, but, like, I really did have some serious questions that I'm sure, like, everyone wanted to know, man, you know? Because, like, when everyone sees you, they're like, yeah, that kid's a fucking dick. Why? Because I disappeared? Dude, nobody knows, like, nobody knows.

I mean, people know we grew up together, but they don't know, like, you know, like our relationship, dude. Yeah. Like, dude, there was a point in time where, like, we were speaking, like, a different language. That's true. When we saw Borat, dude, we literally spoke like Borat for, like, a legitimate year. Maybe more. And we didn't even like realize it so like we had uh we had some serious problems going on you know but like nobody like when people see you

or me like you know they don't like they don't know that stuff you know what I mean but uh yeah no I I tend to when I do something like like overdo it a little bit you know like if I commit to doing something like I'll do it more than I probably should. Like if I'm coaching college football, like when I was out there, I was coaching the running backs, the fullbacks, the tight ends. Then I was the special teams coordinator. Then I was like the liaison to financial aid and admissions. And I tutored the players and I did the scheduling. Like all of a sudden I was doing like 13 jobs. I was working 7am to 10pm every day, Monday through Sunday. Yeah. And so like, I really like that doesn't give you a lot of time to like maintain relationships, you know, especially across the country.

Yeah, no, we had a hard break for a while. But I mean, we were like opposite people, you know what I mean? Like you're like, very disciplined and whatnot. And I like need someone to discipline me or I'm just gonna like be like farting and smelling it you know what i mean yep it's a right it's a rough life out there man you know so um but that's why that's the only i mean that's not the only reason i missed you but it was like you helped me like you know realize like i can scream vagina you know maybe once or twice a week but every day a little much so like uh yeah man i i always needed you to like you know just be like john like these are human beings okay you gotta like prove to them that you speak you know what i'm saying so

it was always nice to have you there man but at the same time like i'm just saying you know people people don't know you know like we used to fucking dude we used to tear shit up man i know we did everything together for years yeah dude everything from sweet 16s at mccourt which was brutal brutal i'm like i'm really happy though you invited me to your bar mitzvah like i really i think about that a lot i'm like i'm'm really happy though. You invited me to your bar mitzvah. Like I really, I think about that a lot. I'm like, I'm really like when I think about it, I'm like, dude, that really, that means a lot that like you would actually take that risk. I barely remember my bar mitzvah. Really?

Barely. Oh dude, you were like, you were like, yeah, man, like, I don't know if I can have you there. Like, I'm just going to laugh when I'm singing. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. Because I'm on stage reading from the Torah and if it's anything like science class, like

I'm just going to start laughing. But then I looked at my grandfather and he was like stone faced. Like, and I was like, you better get this. Like if there's one day for a Jew to figure it out, it's the bar mitzvah day. Yeah,

dude, that was, that was big, man. I could feel the tension. I was like, dude, well,

I was reading. So first of all, for those of you that don't know Hebrew, right? It reads right to left on the book, right? So it doesn't read like normal. Yeah. And it's in a different language.

And for those of you who don't know, when you read from the Torah, they leave the vowels out. So it's like if imagine you're reading English and there are no vowels in the words. I don't even know. I don't even know English vowels. You just have to figure out like what the word is without the vowels. So it's really memorization. You have to memorize the entire thing and then just like basically follow along on the paper it was one of the hardest things i ever did no question dude i remember that day and like uh there's like two times uh

there's two moments in my life i remember like someone seeing me walk in the building and be like this kid should not be here right now one was at church when i walked in i saw a mutual friend of mine and he was like you need to be escorted out of here dude like you don't belong uh dude because we uh i went to church with my girlfriend at the time she was like yeah like you know you should uh you should come to church with us like we'll really get to know each other this this was a freshman year of high school i had a girlfriend i'm not gonna say who but she was like you know i'm going to church today like i really appreciate like if you came i was like i mean you know like i don't belong there but you know i'll go she was like yeah

like uh she's like my dad you know and i will pick you up. And, uh, so they pick me up, dude, we go into this, we go into the fucking church and shit. Uh, so we're like, uh, this guy's fucking talking gibberish, bro. Like, I swear to God, like I've, I had, I had a priest, man. And he was just like saying unreal shit. I was like, I need to fucking push through this right now, man. I see someone I know, right. He looks at me and he just shakes his head. He's like, dude, what are you doing here? Like, get out. Like, he knows everyone. And so, like, my girlfriend's like, all right, John, like, you know,

it's time to pray. Like, you know, like, kneel on the pubes. And I was like, did you say pubes? And that just, that did it, man. That cemented my legacy forever. It's a rough life man there's a line and it's not very far when you enter those kind of places and you just you jumped across it immediately yeah dude we used to have this deaf guy at my church went to calvin

presbyterian church dude there was a deaf guy and he would legit try to sing and that's that can be distracting the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life dude he would be singing he would be singing. He would just start singing randomly, dude, and his wife would have to, like, beat the shit out of him, dude. Like, they would do this thing where, like, if someone died, like, you could raise your hand and be like, I pay my respects to Phil. He was a great janitor. Yep. And, like, dude, when they would do that, like, he would just start singing. So it's not that funny,

but to me, that's like really fucking funny, man. You know? Uh, yeah. Dude, you remember,

uh, like before high school games, we would have to like amp everyone up. I mean, you would, what was it that we would have to read? It was like, uh,

dear Lord, the bowels would go through life. We asked for a chance is fair. Whatever that is. I remember dude, there was this stone, which is, I think it's like a,

is it like, it's like a Christian Bible thing, whatever that is. Yeah, I remember, dude, there was this stone. Which is, I think it's like a, is it like, it's like a Christian Bible thing, right? Yeah, something like that. And they were like, let's have the Jewish kid read that. Yeah. I was like, all right, cool. So that was already funny enough.

But, dude, we were in like a playoff game. I'm like, I think, yeah, Skurko was like watching us like do the prayer. He was like, all right, everyone be engaged and shit.

Like, say the words so you don't look like a fucking idiot. And like, at the end, like, what did what did you what would we yell he'd be like day by day we get better and better so we can't be beat won't be we all go crazy and then we run on the field dude some uh some kid was like wicked high and he uh he said the same thing like six times. He like, he fucked up. He fucked up the whole prayer. Like when you were saying like, we get better and better. He was like,

day by day. I was laughing my ass off in the back. I would always just like kneel in the back just to like wash. But that was funny, man. Just cause you're like, I mean, you are Jewish,

which makes it funny. But like that made it,, but that made it even funnier, man. I was at the golf course where I broke your window. Oh my god. I was there a few days ago. That was a brutal weekend. Brutal. For people who don't know, you invited me

to a shindig yeah uh when was this though i can't remember this was it had to be my last couple years of college so yeah so i mean yeah so we were both still in college um you were like hey my dad's out of town like i'm throwing a party you know you invite me i don't know why, there was, like, some, you know, there was a lot of women there, like, a lot of hot chicks. Yeah. There was, like, a good amount of hot chicks, dude. Like, there was, like, a good chance I could have gotten laid that night, and, dude, I

remember, for those of you who don't know, like, you know, your dad's out of town, you're having a party, there's hot your dad's out of town. You're having a party. There's hot chicks dancing on the dance floor. For some reason, someone asked me to go outside, and someone threw a bottle, and they were, like, laughing about it. And then I was like, dude, watch this. I just get these flashbacks from my childhood, and I'm like, dude, you're about to crush it. I just get these flashbacks from my childhood, and I'm like, dude, you're about to crush it. So I take a legitimate empty bottle of vodka.

And honestly, dude, I was aiming for your neighbor's house, and I just mishandled it, and it went right through your window, man. It's actually better that it didn't go into my neighbor's house. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, dude. But I don't know if I've ever been more shocked in my life than that next morning because you were already gone so whenever i got up i don't know if you left the night before like i don't really know i went upstairs i fell asleep i woke up the next morning with like two or three of my roommates from college and we go outside and we're assessing the damage of the night right like downstairs like cleaning up the floor like cleaning the tables like making sure it looks like i didn't throw a party and i walk outside and there's glass on the ground

and i'm like what the heck is going on and i like look but it's like a double paned window so you broke like one pane and so like the other pane was still there it was cracked but it was there and i was like well this is weird and i realized that the entire front window had exploded and i was just like oh and it was a big window bro it was like eight hundred dollars yeah that was my whole like summer salary yeah put towards that yeah that was really uh that was terrible man great party i made no money that summer because i had to put it all towards that great party but dude i'm saying I was there the other day golfing, and the guy I was golfing with, dude, we're on the last hole, and all of the houses surround the golf course.

Yeah. So he hits a fucking stinger at, like, the landscaper who's landscaping, you know, the backyard of someone's whatever. Are they condos? Condos, yeah. Yeah, so they're condos, dude. This guy's just weed whacking he's got his music in dude it nails him right in the leg like the golf ball and we're like holy

shit like i wonder if his legs broken dude it broke his phone inside of his pants so we go over and we're like dude like are you okay like what's going on he takes out his phone it's like completely shattered and the guy didn't even speak english like he was like not say not say and we were like oh shit man like what like what do we do and he was like not say not say and we were like oh shit man like what like what do we do and he was like he so he calls his boss his boss come down and uh dude the next door neighbor was like a karen she comes out on her deck she's like you know you guys are gonna have to like pay for that right like you just broke his phone and we're like fuck off karen like what are you what are you doing here you know like she had nothing to do with it dude and uh yeah i guess like the golf course like that's what

i was thinking about i was like dude if we could go back in time we could just say like a golf ball hit the window and then i wouldn't have had to pay because like we went through all the options yeah i know we went through all but dude if you you could fucking rip a golf ball through a window there and like the the golf course will cover it. But if you damage personal property, that's when they're like, OK, like we can't cover that, which is crazy. Like they won't cover the phone. So he has to pay for it. Yeah.

But maybe the moral of that story is to stay near golf courses once your phone's already broken and then pretend that you got hit and then try and get a new phone out of it yeah that's what i was thinking i was like i wonder if his phone is like already broken right clearly see the weld like okay like you could see the shape of the golf ball but uh yeah i don't i don't know man i don't know how that works that's kind of crazy that doesn't cover it though i mean think about it dude i could just take a driver and just rip one through someone's window and be fine. But, like, I break a phone and it's like, yeah, we can't cover that, you know. So it just made me think, dude, you know, throw back some memories of that story. Like, I wish we could go back. I'd just be like, dude, it must have been a golf ball.

Well, you have a really long history of throwing things and moving vehicles and snowballs in particular. That was like a pastime. We did that a lot. Mostly you throwing, me running because I was really scared. Yeah, man. I really didn't. But I wanted to be there and I definitely wanted to run

because that was fun. Yeah, I mean, like you said, you wouldn't take back football. I wouldn't take back, you know, football. I wouldn't take back anything that I did when I was younger in terms of like throwing acorns in houses. Like, it's really shaped me into the man I am today.

Well, I mean, at least it wasn't like damaging stuff, you know, like acorns don't do anything. It just made a loud noise. I mean, we did damage a lot of things, but. No. Not a lot of things, but there was lot of things but there was i mean for for instance that window like that was hilarious like it was terrible like but it was so funny like calling you the next day dude i was on my uh well no no because i had to do a search to figure out who did it like you didn't call me right away in the morning i mean dude you're

not sherlock holmes like anyone in their right mind would have been like yeah that was john well originally i didn't have people cheering me on though i know who those people were there was a lot of peer pressure involved like people were like fucking nail it yeah i mean uh honestly man like if uh dude i can't even imagine if i hit your neighbor's window and broke it that would have been a problem that would have been a huge problem dude i would have had to flee the it. That would have been a problem. That would have been a huge problem, dude. I would have had to flee the country, probably. That would have been a problem. That would have gotten taken to court or something, dude.

It still would have been hilarious at the moment in time, but, dude, thank God it was your window, man. Yeah. I did pay for it, though, dude. I'm not going to say thank you because fuck off, but... I'm just saying, dude. I didn't fucking pay for it. Dude, so you're telling me that this Hinge app,

is it going to work for me? Hinge is by far the best dating app ever. Because, I mean, so far, dude, I matched with one chick who was a guy. So, I mean, a lot of transgenders, which is, you know, that's cool, man, but obviously not what uh like if i had a filter that's not really what it would be set on yeah you know like if it was like blonde asian trans i wouldn't be like trans you know what i mean yeah one of the issues and it's not an issue but one of the things that I've had with Hinge is, and it was more of like a New Mexico, New York thing.

But like when I initially signed up, like it hacks for your religion and I put in Jewish. Yeah. And I swear this thing only like shows me pictures of Jewish girls now. Like I don't see anything other than Jewish girls now. How do you know they're Jewish, though? Do they have a mustache? It says right in their profile. And it's just, like, right there.

It's, like, 5'4", likes to drink, Jewish. I'm like, well. Would you say a lot of, like, Jewish women just don't shave? of like Jewish women just don't shave? Like is there a lot of bushes or is that just a myth? Because I've heard from some reliable sources dude that Yes.

Nah I'm just kidding. So I have never actually dated a Jewish girl. Really? In my entire life. Does your family like want you to? I think so. It makes it easier for marriage stuff. So I have to have sons because I'm the last

fine. There's nothing after me. And then they're going to be Jewish. So if the woman that I marry is another religion, they have to convert the kids at birth because the religion automatically goes to the mother. So if she has the kids like it they're christian and then i have to convert them to judaism whereas if i just married like a jewish girl there's like a lot of paperwork involved in that or is it just pretty straightforward it's like a thing it's

similar to like a christening you know okay not like a big deal you're just a dunking you just have to drown the baby for a little bit and then really yeah okay that's not too bad yeah man i uh when i created the profile like you have like the uh prompts or whatever yep and uh i was just completely like i can show you afterwards but it's just like 100 me yeah like there's no altering of the image just like like one of the one of the uh you can put videos on there i put a one video is of me spilling yogurt on myself and then the other one's uh me saying uh like a joke at a comedy show which happens to uh do with uh like shitting yourself so i mean dude you know it's it's just whatever you want to portray like you just have to accept the consequences of that yeah man it depends what type of mood i'm in you know

what i'm saying like i'll i used to do that with tinder i would switch it up a lot you know it'd either be like shirtless pic or like just straight john psyche you know what i mean very uh because i don't want to i don't want to scare anyone you know i mean i don't want to put up a shirtless pic and then meet up with a chick and then she finds out you know at a fucking asian grill that i'm like borderline you know retarded like that would that's not gonna be fun for her probably better though you think so probably just to make that first step yeah it's it's if you just throw your whole personality out there, that's a lot. That's a lot for someone to take in,

especially if it doesn't know you. You have to, like, gradually, like, be like, okay, so the first day I'm normal, then the second day, like, I may shit myself, and then the third day, it's like... That's kind of quick, though. I can't really... Yeah, you know, it's gradual. So you think it's overwhelming for them to see...

Yeah, no question. No question. If I'm looking at someone's profile and the second or third thing I see is them with yogurt spilled down their shirt, I'm not going to like that personally. Damn, dude. I got to switch it up then. I got to find some more pictures. I don't have a lot of pictures of me.

Yeah, that's a big problem I have. Yeah, I don't have any pictures. pictures of me yeah that's a big problem I have yeah I don't have any pictures dude you have to fill in the whole thing and it's like I don't have that many pictures of me just smiling like awkwardly

you know what I mean right like all of my all of my stuff is just videos that have to do with farts confusion all that dude

so I mean you know I might take a camera out to like like an orchard or something yeah I mean, you know, I might take a camera out to like, uh, like an orchard or something. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm pretty like off the grid with social media.

Like, I think I have like four Instagram posts in like three years and like, I'd never tweet. I'd never post on Facebook ever. So. Yeah. I mean, I'm, uh, I'm not that I would say like once or twice a month, but it's always like straightforward. You know what I mean? There's no's no uh there's no riddle to be solved it's kind of just like like i remember when uh i remember when you bought like you brought some of your friends from bryant to one of my comedy shows and you were like you were like this is my friend john

and i was like how you doing and they were like very like serious like you could tell like they went to bryant and i remember going up on stage and uh i remember yelling at the top of my lungs sometimes when i should i come yep and you were the only one who laughed i wasn't just laughing i almost had to leave i was actually crying couldn't recover yeah do you know how hard it was for me to finish my set like just hearing you laugh i couldn't stop laughing because i yelled it and like i think i brought my girlfriend too at the time yeah and then there was like a bunch of our other friends and i remember yeah i remember yelling that and then i looked at you because you like squealed laughing but you were the only one so there was like a bunch of old people who like dropped food on their plate and like almost had a seizure and then there was you who was just

laughing and i remember like just seeing the rest of your friends just like like i've never seen a group of people so confused in their life and like seeing that dude made me so proud of myself why that's just like just for like being me you know what i mean yeah like in situations like i know it's hard for you to understand like it's all it's always been hard for people to understand but like being surrounded by people who you don't know and then just being yourself and just accepting whatever the consequences are honestly just seeing people confused in general like really just provides me with a sense of satisfaction like dude if i was on a date with a girl and we were at like chili's or something and uh you know i was all dressed up and stuff like she didn't really know who i was

imagine that dude right we're at chili's dude we're getting a two for 20 dude i'm looking fucking ferocious dude like i'm feeling dangerous yeah and she's good looking dude we met on hinge or whatever okay i fucking hook her up with a 2 for 20 dude and I just get like a fucking flatbread pizza dude imagine like she's telling me about like how she's a liberal

and she likes to go to the library and like reading stuff and I just take that fucking pizza dude Like how she's a liberal and she likes to go to the library. And like reading stuff. And I just take that fucking pizza, dude. Walk up to the people next to us. And just fucking slap them in the face, dude. And just leave. Dude, do you know how fucking... Do you know how funny that would be to me?

Like I would just go out in my car, dude, and laugh. And just like be fine with moving on with my life. I could never do that. I mean, that's... Like, I remember doing the comedy show with Brian. Like, there was... That was hilarious. And everybody loved you.

Yeah, but, dude, there was, like, some lesbian chick you were talking to beforehand. Like, I think you were in, like, an orgy. I'm just kidding. We'll cut that out, dude. But she, like, knew you from school. It's just jokes, man. No, out, dude. But she knew you from school. It's just jokes, man. No, you're good. Yeah, she knew you from school or something.

You were trying to explain to her that I was there to do a comedy show. She didn't like... Because I wasn't saying anything. So you had to speak for me. So she was like, oh, does he... So she was like, oh, like, does he? Like, dude, that's like the story of our life. Like, there's been so many situations where, like, people have to, like, be like, is he? Yeah.

But you've always done a good job of me. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Like, he, you know, he speaks. Dude, you should have seen when I played college baseball. Like, and I was trying out. Like, dude, they thought I was literally going to take out, like, an AK-47 and just start lighting up the grass, dude. Like, Greg had to be like, no, no.

Like, he farts, dude. Like, he knows what's up. Like, that had to be like, no, no, like, he farts, dude. Like, he knows what's up. Like, that's been, like, my whole life. Like, people have been like, you know, like, just give him the right environment, dude. He'll, uh, he'll make it happen. Alright, dude, you want to wrap it up? Sure. Alright, man. I really appreciate you coming, man.

Like, this was fun. Like, I'm happy, uh, I'm happier here, man. Like, you want to wrap it up? Sure. All right, man. I really appreciate you coming, man. I think this was fun. Like, I'm happy you're here, man. Like, you're not that far away, but I'm happy you're in Boston now. For anyone who wants to know, Joe's in Boston. So if you want to, you know, sniff his little butthole, that's where he's going to be. No, thanks for coming, man. I appreciate it. Yeah, man.

Thanks for having me on. And hopefully I can be a – I'll come back, do this again at some point. no thanks for coming man I appreciate it yeah man thanks for having me on and hopefully I can be a I'll come back do this again at some point down the line hopefully we can take on the world together

out in Boston dude yep I'll be banging some fatties dude you'll find some Jewish women dude we'll fucking kill it out there yeah man