The Johnny Salami Podcast - Joey

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Joey was the first friend I ever made. We were childhood best friends, and we did unimaginable things growing up together. It was great to sit down with him and reminisce about the good old days.

All right, what's going on, everyone? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami podcast. Today's guest is my childhood best friend. About 90% of the stories we tell on the podcast are about this man right here, Joey Barrientos. Thank you for coming, man. How's it going, guys? No problem, John. I appreciate you coming, man.

Of course. I did feel upset when you said you wanted to come on and I didn didn't know so i'm glad you're here this is the main event right here yeah because we pretty much tell like 90 of the stories are basically about us you know what i mean that ronnie story i had so many dms like dude what are you you're playing with john with a thong on what's up with that oh dude people yeah people thought it was about you yeah i was like oh so that spread fast dude yeah it did i felt bad i wanted to tell you but you already knew yeah i was like do you know what's crazy is like whenever i tell a story about our childhood people are like oh john just like made that up oh it's like do i really need to ask you for validation you know what i mean especially

like how times are like these days like looking back like the childhood we lived like i'm happy we grew up in that time era dude like we didn't want to go inside dude like going inside it was like legit like the last option that we had dude like even if it was raining out dude to be outside on our bikes yeah i think we were like we were like the last generation to like experience that yeah like even though dude like i'll tell stories to people like even if i tell a story on stage dude people will be like dude you just make that up? I'm like, no, like, that legit happened, dude. The best was when, I think I went to one of your comedy shows, and I showed up kind of

late, honestly, because I didn't know where it was, because I was in there against it in one of those bars over there, and I showed up kind of late, dude, and, like, you're up already, and, like, two minutes, like, within, within like two minutes sitting down and telling the story about my dad, dude. And I was like, that's the best story of all time. Like that, that story will never get old.

Dude. Like that shit is going to run like generation. He definitely remembers it too. Oh yeah. Which is like the best part. Like every time he sees me, like he brings it up. So it's like,

it's definitely like what he remembers me for, dude. Yeah. He loved that story, dude. He's like, like oh he caught me on a bad day i was like yeah yeah that that did fuck me up dude i was grounded for like three months dude i can't even go that was that like the thing about me growing up to you dude is like i saw you like evolve and that was like at your like prime like evolve like evolving dude like you legit like went from like barely saying anything, like, prime, like, evolving, dude. Like, you legit, like, went from, like, barely saying anything to, like, just, like, screaming out random shit. To just, like, and then you were just at, like, at your peak at that point, dude, where, like, you just didn't care, dude.

Like, you legit just, like, stopped having a filter. Just, like, dude, I'm a quiet kid, but I'm just going to start yelling random stuff, dude. Yeah. Well, dude, I felt like I was always that way, like, were together but like if other people were around i would get like nervous yeah and then like you'd be like you know john like speaks right yeah yeah i'd be like yeah like dude john isn't this quiet just so all you guys know and then i would just start yelling stuff dude you know what made people laugh like the hardest like that i remember was like i remember being like i mean we're both pretty fat like at the beginning and then i remember like your mom started asking

me questions she was like joey just like goes into the basement at night and like does sit-ups and push-ups it's true story dude she was like actually like nervous for you and i was like i don't know like you know maybe someone made fun of him or something and i was like still fat so i think that's why she asked me she was like what happened you know what i mean but dude i remember us being at like a legitimate like uh we were like a family party it was like i think it was courtney monas's like birthday party yeah and there was like 40 kids there dude like really cool kids that i wanted to impress yeah i remember having like a legitimate crush on corny dude and uh beforehand i was like oh i'm just gonna get a haircut and i remember going to super cuts dude and them like shaving my head off this was the

first time like it's happened multiple times because they have like a history dude like they'll be like oh like you got this last time. You want it again? Dude, they legit fucking shaved my head off. And I remember, like, a lot of the parents at the party were like, like, do you think you're going to make it? And I was like, what the fuck? Like, I was so fat and confused. I was like, what are they talking about? Dude, I think there's a picture of you from that day. Really?

On the little, like, slide that she had. You remember how she had, like, those crazy water slides all the time, dude? Yeah. That was like you and Dylan Jepsen, dude, or something like that. Oh, no, that was a... Or was that a different one? That was definitely a different one. Really?

Yeah, the Supercuts one, I definitely... I wouldn't have let someone take a picture of me, dude. I mean... But, dude, I remember everyone was laughing at me, and all the parents thought I had legitimate cancer. And I remember we played like backyard football for a while and i was like stiff arming kids just to let my anger out but dude then we went in to watch a movie and i think it was like friday the 13th and like it was the scene where like uh it

was like jason's dragging like uh he was like dragging a dead body and there's like blood all over the floor and it's like dead silent and i just scream i was like yo what's the new swiffer duster dude that fucking crushed like people were like laughing their asses off but like i was by myself dude everyone had like a fucking everyone had like a girlfriend dude and i was just by myself with a shaved head like double d's dude i fucking screamed that i don't think they were even laughing at like what i said they were just like this kid looks like a fucking idiot right now dude i remember having like the biggest crush on corny though dude didn't everyone i think so yeah i think so yeah just like knew how to throw a football, dude, you know? Oh, dude, that fucking tight spiral.

Oh, dude. We used to have those, uh... Dude, I used to go to Building 19, and I would buy, like, those fucking Seahawks footballs. Oh, yeah. Those things are fun. Those were the fucking best quality, man. Like, dude, you could fucking huck those things, bro. You could throw, like, 100 yards. I also remember wearing, like like my mom's sweatpants dude i used to wear my mom's sweatpants and her fucking sweatshirts in your backyard dude we played soccer yeah just so i could dive around

and shit i'm saying dude you probably taught me how to play every sport you remember dude like you had like different stages of shit and like you're like trying to see how to play every sport like you had like different stages of shit and like you're like trying to see how to play baseball i'm like holding the glove right here you're throwing me like a lob and it hits me right in the nose i'm like all right that's enough of baseball for me yeah i don't think like i never really like yeah i mean if anything like i taught you how to shoot a basketball yeah but it was weird because like i fucking hated basketball like as i got older and you dude you played basketball longer than I did. Yeah.

Like, you played your senior year of high school, dude. I just, like, I was like, fuck this, dude. I'm done. Dude, you probably looked at me like your son, though. I was like, dude, I fucking hate that, dude. When I made the high school team, you were like, who? I do remember, like, yeah, dude, because I had a bunch of, like, knee injuries and stuff. And, like, I didn't even really want to play.

But, dude, I remember you going in the game, dude. Like, everyone was, like, cheering for you because it was, like, senior night or something. Like, dude, you definitely hit, like, knee injuries and stuff. And, like, I didn't even really want to play. But, dude, I remember you going in the game, dude. Like, everyone was, like, cheering for you because it was, like, senior night or something. Like, dude, you definitely hit, like, a three-pointer. Yeah, dude, I banged a three because. It was, like, your first shot, too. I mean, I saw Nick Pooley all the time because the way it worked was it was, like, an inbounds play, like, on the baseline. And so I got the ball. And then Nick, like, set me up with a crazy screen.

And, dude, I put up the shot. Dude, I was there. I nailed it. And I was like, yo. I was wicked ball, and then Nick sent me up with a crazy screen, and, dude, I put up the shot. Dude, I was there. I nailed it. I was like, yo. I was wicked emotional, dude. I think I cried. Dude, that was a very emotional day for me, man. Well, we used to play basketball like a different way, though.

I remember it was like if you made it, like you'd get the rebound. Like you'd get the ball back. Like winner would take ball, but it'd be like you wouldn't have to take it out past the three-point line. Dude, I remember playing against you, man, back get the ball back, like, winner would take ball, but it'd be like, you wouldn't have to take it out past the three-point line. Dude, I remember playing against you, man, back in the day. We played one-on-ones, dude. I think it would be like 50 to, like, 10. Yeah.

It would always be like, I think it used to be like, it would always be like, do you remember that fucking one game where we played each other at, like, an actual recreational league? Do you remember the score it's 36 to 6 i remember that score like it was yesterday dude dude do you remember that habit i used to have back in the day where like i would have to like stand still and do like a burnout before i would run like dude i would stand in place and jog before i would run start sprinting so dude when i played basketball for the first time in that league i think with that bf norton dude i would legit like the like people would be drilling off the ball dude i'd still be in the back court like like jogging in place waiting to sprint down

the court and then the ball would already be coming back and it would just be like yeah i just remember like bits and pieces of it i remember when i like i don't know who was like related to you i think it was like it was either someone who was related to you or someone who was on your team and i remember like taking a piss in the bathroom and they were like talking shit to me they were like yeah you guys fucking suck it was like 36 to 6 though actually i know that i remember the scoreboard in my head right now how did you remember that that, dude? It was 36-6. I remember that my whole life. It was 36-6, dude.

Because I remember playing you, dude. Yeah. I was on Dylan Jepsen's team. You were on Orange's team, right? Or something like that? I don't know. Something like that, dude. But we would play at BF Norton, and you were like, yeah, bring it on, dude.

My team's better than yours. Yeah. And I was like wicked emotional about basketball dude like we i remember like we beat you guys in the next game we played a fucking we played a team that was beating us and i literally started crying because they were beating me like that's how emotional i was dude i probably look like such an idiot dude i was pigeon-toed would like jog in place before i ran, dude. Like, I could only, like, go on back. I think we all had problems.

Like, if you had, like, a surveillance camera on us back in the day, dude, you could probably make a movie out of that. You know what I mean? Dude, we went through so many phases, though. Went through, like, that BMX phase where, like, you were, like, to be a 13-foot gap, you'd be like, all right, I'm going to hit this. We're like, John, you sure? I mean dude i think i think for my size though i could hit like a pretty decent gap oh yeah definitely that gap you like hit but then like went over the handlebars dude it was like 12 foot gap why do you always used to laugh like when i would get

hurt dude i remember i remember hitting that dude then like And then, like, after I hit it, like, I was, like, on the front wheel. So it wasn't, like, was that, what's that, like, an endo? Is that what they call it? When you're on the front wheel? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I was, like, riding an endo into the middle of the road. And then there was a car coming.

And then, like, the car almost hit me. And I remember falling. And you were, like, pissing yourself laughing. You just got up and went home. And I was yeah i used to be really upset man such an emotional kid dude dude then there's like the potato launcher days man yeah dude we definitely went through a lot of phases but like even when i was younger like i remember the days where i would call you every morning like 7 30 and you're like grandma would answer and i'd be like is joey there and she'd be like no he's sleeping and then i would call like 50 more times

she'd be like please stop calling like i remember those days but like calling like i remember those days but like then like you actually got friends and i was still like just didn't have friends so you would have to like introduce me to people it would be like such an awkward process dude you'd be like this is john and i just wouldn't say anything yeah like this is john so like dude without you i really wouldn't have friends but that was like that was kind of like the starting point though of, of, like, everything. Yeah. Like, I think people embraced me after a while. But at the beginning, I was kind of, like, you were, like, my networking.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you had friends, and I had to be, like, hey, I need some friends. Yeah, like, yo, like, hook me up. No, we definitely, like, we turned this neighborhood into, like, a movie, though. This neighborhood was, like, the place to be, dude. We had people, kids coming from different neighborhoods just to be, like, come join us in our, like, crazy-ass adventures, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, man, we had some crazy characters in the neighborhood. I feel like, I think the biggest thing I regret, like, back then was, like, I was, like, such a big kid, but I was, like, such a pussy. Like, how many fights did we almost get in where I just, like, cried? I'll explain. This is a funny story if you want to bring that up. Which one was it? It was the time where it was me and Joe Marcolini. We were, like, just walking through McCourt Middle School, man.

And, like, one of those, like you know kids came up to us and was like yo give me your shoes i'm like i mean joe like no so then the kid asked me what size shoe are you and i was like six at the time and i was like i'm a size three you know what i mean so i remember this like well this is definitely going to be like a perspective thing yeah so like you'll remember it one way and i'll remember another way yeah exactly yeah so go ahead Dude, I remember this like, well, this is definitely going to be like a perspective thing. Yeah. So, like, you'll remember it one way and I'll remember it another way? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so go ahead. So, whatever. So, we make it to the end of the, like, at the end of the driveway. I'm a court. And then Joe and this kid end up, like, scrapping a little bit. Like, and I'm right there. And I don't know how to fight at all. I mean, I'm in sixth grade. And this cousin, like, I mean, and the cousin are, like, looking at each other looking at each other like all right if you jump in then i'm gonna jump in kind of deal

like kind of awkward and i just remember all like the south girls or the girls in our neighborhood were just like where's john john's just like and you're just sprinting away oh dude no way dude i remember that vivid this is how i remember it, dude. We're walking through McCourt Middle School, the middle school that... Did we even go there at the time? I think we were maybe younger. Oh, no. We definitely still went there. We might have been younger, man.

Actually, I probably was in eighth grade and you guys were in ninth. Or maybe even... No. No, we were wicked young, dude. Oh, yeah. I was in sixth grade. At the time, I was wearing a summer camp shirt so we were definitely really yeah yeah and uh i remember like there was two kids and they were like they came up

to us and they were like talking to us and they were like yeah like you know we just try to we just try to light a house on fire and we were just like what and then they whipped out like a grill lighter and we're like you think you can light a house on fire with that? And they were just like, yeah, like we can. And then they like looked at Joe and they were like, yo, there's nice shoes, man. Like what, you know, what size are you? And Joe was like, oh, like a 10 or some shit. And they were like, oh, like same here.

Like give me your shoes. And Joe was like, no, I'm not giving you my shoes. And then, dude, I was with Trevor. I was with Trevor at the time. And Trevor was like, like i gotta go home dude trevor was crying dude trevor was fucking crying dude no you said trevor we gotta go home no i no i will admit i was a pussy about it i like agreed with him i was like we gotta go man but i remember trevor crying and he's like dude just bring me to my house bring my house

and i was like all right man like i'm down like i was definitely being a pussy and i remember everyone being like oh like where's john because i was like all right man like i'm down like i was definitely being a pussy and i remember everyone being like oh like where's john because i was like the biggest fucking kid yeah but i was still fat dude like i wasn't like i wasn't like uh like muscular or anything i was just like 300 pounds so everyone was like just have like john sit on him or some shit like it wasn't like i was like intimidating but i was just like bigger than everyone else like fatter and i remember going to trevor's and then everyone just like yelled at me they were like where were you yeah no but dude everyone said i was like sprinting down the road like you were really yeah i think so yes you were at the top of the hill already bro yeah but it was because of trevor dude trevor fucking vowed for me dude you should see trevor nowadays man yeah that guy that kid uh

can hold his own man he's like i mean he's definitely in shape yeah he played uh yeah he played three soccer he called it soccer yeah yeah he did go over there too but uh yeah dude he he sticks up for himself man no one's yeah no one's talking shit to trevor dude i mean that's something i've been working on though though, like, since then. Not really since then. Yeah, but, yeah. I feel like I could hold my own now. But, like, back in the day, dude, like, I would just cry.

Do you remember Zach? You don't? No. All right. So, he was kind of, like, a kid that, like, just always wanted to, like, I don't know. You play around with him, and he gets, like, always wants to fight blah blah blah blah his name sounds like kind of familiar yeah if you saw him probably you know he was but anyways uh you know I was in a mr. Butler's class with Joe Mack Tyler Cargill on all them

and just always like not picked on that like we'd like to get him going cuz he got mad so easily yeah so uh I would, legit rip armpit hair out of my, like, bush of armpit hair, dude, and sprinkle it into his textbook. Dude. And he, like, looked it down and saw it. Dude, and he got up, his, like, prescribed glasses, threw them on the ground and started stomping on them and just walked out the door, dude. Really? Yeah. So why would you do that to him?

Because that was so funny, dude. He was just an easy target, dude? Yeah. He was able to do stuff like that, bro. Over armpit hair, man. That's fucking disgusting. Fucking armpit hair, dude. Dude, he just got pulled off so easily.

His name sounds really familiar. He always wore like a flat rim with like a bruins like like a bruins flat rim oh dude definitely an easy target then yeah yeah dude that's like the most intimidating thing in the world though dude if someone's like like if someone's like smaller than you and they want to fight you like it's kind of like not that intimidating but if someone's like your size dude and they want to fight you, it's kind of not that intimidating. But if someone's your size, dude, and they're like, let's throw hands, that's like, fuck, dude. I'm probably going to break my hand if I do this. The thing with me is that my last thing is to fight. You know what I mean?

That's the last thing I want to do. Like nowadays, yeah. Back in the day, though, I feel like we saw a fair share of fights. Yeah, we definitely did. Especially in middle day, though, I feel like we saw a fair share of fights. Yeah, we definitely did. Especially in middle school, dude. And even high school. There was records that were broken for fights. I don't know what it was.

Kids were just amped up. I remember being in high school, and they were like, yeah, as a freshman, they were like, yeah, we just broke the record for the amount of fights in the first week. There was like 45 in the first week. Yeah, I remember hearing about that. I was still in eighth grade and i was like damn i don't want to go to high school because like yeah but speaking of fights dude um nick giorgio saved my life one day dude in class um me and him were working like working on a project we're like in

like middle school at this time like working on a project together like going wicked hard on it dude and one of the one of the kids in our class comes over his name was linwood and he tries to like start cutting up like our project with scissors yeah so i like kind of like put my arm out to be like hey man like we like don't like we're working hard on this. Like, don't touch our project, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dude, and then he starts chasing me with scissors, like, ready to stab me. What? And then Nick Giorgio was, like, kind of, like, barricaded him so he couldn't, like, get to me. And then was, like, screaming at the teacher, like, are you going to do something?

Oh, dude, what? So, like, yeah, if it wasn't for Nick Giorgio, man, I'd probably have, like, gash in my ribs right now. Did you guys used to play soccer together? Oh, Nick Giorgio was a prodigy, man. Yeah, I remember going to your soccer games, and he played like goalie. He was a freak. Really? He was a freak, man.

I am, dude. I remember going to your soccer games, and I had a girlfriend at the time. I'm not going to say who, but I would be, like, texting her during the game. I'd be like, I love you, and she'd be like, I'm not ready for that yet. Oh, man. Was it the Illy, or was it the straight up i love you i don't know i was like i was like yeah i'm on my friend's soccer game like i just wanted you to know like i love you it was like it was like two days into dating yeah she broke up with me after like three days of dating

same girl you dated too dude back in the day i mean i think you dated everyone but like back in the day dude i was struggling man so on middle school i was a different breed in middle school man yeah flow man flow i mean you had really long hair dude i did you had some fucking titties though back in the day dude that's what dude my program worked though the down the downstairs basement man push up and sit what did you do dude like because like I asked you, and you wouldn't, like, answer me. Dude, I straight up went downstairs, man, and just started doing, like, sit-ups and push-ups, like, until, like, legit, like, wanted to puke every night. You didn't, like, run or anything? No.

Yeah. Because I didn't see you for a while. I did mountain climbers, though. Oh, really? Yeah. Those are good. You're on, on dude yeah those i did those a lot i remember like dude i didn't see you for a while and i was still fat so like your mom would always ask me questions and stuff and then like you kind of just surprised everyone dude and then everyone wanted to date you and i was just like just give me something dude give me Give me the rules, man.

Oh, yeah, dude. I was definitely going through a tough time, man. Dude, I mean, I'm going, I mean, now that after turning 21, man, I'm going back to the roots. So, I'm going to have to go back to that program. Dude, I think about that all the time, though. Like, I look at, like, pictures and stuff and, like, videos just of, like, us being fat. And I'm like, maybe i'd be happier you know yeah like dude those were the happiest times of our life i mean i don't know if we'd be

as happy now because things are more serious but yeah i mean we think about being that fat dude like well we just didn't care though like we cared but like we didn't really like people would like be like oh you guys are so fat but we wouldn't let it phase us, man. Like, whereas if, like, now, if you were that fat, then, like, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, like. We were big, dude. I think I cared. We were big. Dude, you don't think we cared, though?

I can't remember. Like, I can't. It's not that we didn't care. We definitely cared. But I think we just got so used to the fact of people saying that we were like i think we were just unaware of like we were unaware of like fucking heart disease and like diabetes and shit so we were just like and i also lived with my grandmother at the time too dude i was just whipping up meals man yeah she'd make you

breakfast and shit oh man what'd you eat dude like fried beans and shit yeah dude fried beans was like every with every meal man like every meal breakfast lunch and dinner dude we were i mean dude like i remember being thick but i never i can't remember like being like holy shit like i need to lose weight like i can't remember that you know what i mean yeah and i don't know if it was because like people i mean i think people definitely called me fat but it was like dude we didn't have to say anything like people would just laugh at us yeah like that's like addicting you know what i mean yeah like dude that's the saddest thing about like comedy too is like dude the fatter you are like the funnier you are like you can argue with me all day i'm not gonna believe it you know what i mean like dude if you're fucking fatter you were fucking hilarious you know what i Like, a fatter John is a funnier John. But if I start losing weight, like, it's definitely different.

But, like, I think I just, like, I just care more now, dude. Because, like, I know about, like, heart disease and, like, diabetes and stuff like that. So I'm, like. No, you've been going hard at the gym, dude. I've been seeing you, man. You've been hustling, dude. I don't even know what it is, man. I think I just have to.

You know what I mean? You're just, like, I feel like you're wicked motivated, too. Like, you found, like i feel like you're wicked motivated too like you found like a like back in the day dude like i don't know if this was your fear but like my number one fear was like playing basketball or like any sport like especially during tryouts i'd be like i'm too fat to make it yeah and whenever we would do sprints or stuff like dude number one fear in my life like i remember mr permiano being like everybody got on the line dude and i'd be like i can't do this i'd always be the last one during suicides and stuff yeah and like that was like my number one fear but like nowadays like i enjoy doing that stuff so yeah i don't know what it is man no we definitely had a i'm not going back though because i was doing good like i ever like

since eighth grade up until like 21 dude i was in like the best shape of my life dude and then after turning 21 man when you do when do you think like was the best shape of your life though my best shape of my life is probably when i was 19 really yeah if you were nine so you were in high school or no you just graduated yeah but yeah it wasn't high school though like when you were playing soccer it was but so i didn't go to like the gym during high school i just like played sports throughout like and then 19 is when i started hitting the gym and then oh actually no i went to the gym like a few times in high school but never like stuck with it and then 19 i went for like probably like a year or two straight dude and like i would see you guys at planet fitness and

like yeah dude i only went i didn't even want to go to the gym i just went so i could get a ride home from like i think it was like alex cardozo or like jay bachico dude they're like all right if you want to ride home you have to go to the gym i'm like damn yeah i was like all right so i just yeah i would see you guys there but that was like i remember that was the time when i lost a bunch of weight but like i did it in like a wicked unhealthy way like i was just eating straight up salad and like running my tits off oh yeah but like nowadays like it's pretty much i don't eat whatever I want. Like, I eat healthy. I don't, like, measure my foods, though. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I believe in, like, realistic diets. Whereas, like, you kind of, like, have to, like, see what, like, what's, like, something that you can do your, like, like, for, like, months, dude. Not something you can do for a couple weeks and get tired of it. Like, you got to do something that, like, works for you, man. Like, I did the whole chicken thing. And, like, dude, you can do that maybe for like two months maybe three months after that you're gonna be like the fuck am i doing yeah like you're just gonna start like dude you're just gonna start getting mad at people and stuff yep and then you're just gonna be like all right like let's

start eating my ass off again and that's like so easy to gain weight so like nowadays dude like i'm not eating chicken every day but i just kind of like eat in proportion you know are you a big chicken guy i do i do like it dude i do like i like i've had like the fake foods they're not fake foods yeah i know what you're talking about like i don't know if you've heard like clean eats yeah yeah like the pre pre-made foods yep so like dude i'll eat those. But, like, they just don't taste real to me, you know. It's not, like, plasticky, but it's just, like, not real.

Yeah. So if I have, like, a marinated steak or, like, a marinated chicken, I'm like, all right. Like, I can deal with this, you know, with, like, some rice and veggies. But I can't do that for, like, long amounts of time. But, like, dude, if I eat that, like, I'll feel like I got some gains, you know. Yeah, no, i understand that but dude like they have like um they have like a bunch of like pre-made services now it's like you don't have to like make the food it's just like they have like clean eats so they'll like they'll measure everything i mean they won't measure everything out for you but

you know like the macros and stuff yeah and then they have uh some other one are based out of like california which is like actual food yeah there, like, California, which is, like, actual food. Yeah. But it's, like, wicked expensive. So, like, I feel like everyone's kind of moving towards that. But it's, like, I don't know, man. Something about just, like, making food, like, the way it is, dude. You know?

Like, just think about, like, your grandma's cooking versus, like, fucking. Yeah, like the frozen food kind of. Yeah. I get that. I got to pee, though. Huh? Yeah, me too. Dude, I get that. I got to pee though. Huh? Yeah, me too. Dude, I won't say names.

All right. But like, dude, this is going to fuck you up mentally. All right. Please forgive me, dude. Seriously. So when we were younger, like, like wicked. Think about like wicked young, dude. Like you're still like when you see stuff, you're like, whoa, like, holy dude like you're still like when you see stuff

you're like whoa like holy shit you know what i mean yeah but nowadays you're like all right you know it's a daily occurrence dude back in the day dude i'm kind of scared i don't know oh this is gonna fuck you up big time dude so back in the day dude there was a kid who had a pool right and we would always go over his house to like fucking you know hang out in the day, dude, there was a kid who had a pool, right? And we would always go over his house to like fucking, you know, hang out in the pool. Like he was infamous for having a pool, dude. Yeah. And we would do this thing like not a lot, dude. I remember doing it once, right?

His mom would be on the fucking deck, dude. His mom would be on the fucking deck, dude. I swear to God, we would jump off the deck, pull our pants down and just whip our dicks out. And we would like take turns doing that. And like he's gay now. Like he's legit gay. So like I think about it all the time. I'm like, dude, like that could have been me like does that mean something

i'm still trying to put some faces like is dude is that gay though like is that gay if you're that young like 10 11 years old yeah and you see like your friend's mom on the deck and you're that young, like, 10, 11 years old, Yeah. and you see, like, your friend's mom on the deck and you're like, oh, it would be wicked funny if I just whipped my dick out right now. Yeah. And then, like,

later on in life, you find out that that kid was gay. Like, do you think that's gay? Or do you think that's, like, you think that's, like, that's, like, a... Wait, are you asking, like, do you think that's what led to the gayness?

Yeah. Like you think he knew early on? Well, I mean... Because like in my head, that's like funny. That's not like gay. Yeah. No, but dude, I mean if you... Because like dude, think about it.

Like if your friend's mom's on the deck, like... You're like cheering someone on you're like yeah like show where your gooch you know what i mean like the more you show like the funnier it is you know what i mean yeah so it's not like gay it's just like that's funny you know what i mean yeah like dude if i if i was like 10 or 11 and i was like all right like i'm just gonna show this kid's mom my gooch like that would be funny you know what i'm saying yeah i don't know if i participated in this event though when you were like 10 or 11 though so it's a little blurry right now yeah i'm trying to put some some faces together right now i think i have an idea i'm not i'll tell you after but like yeah like he was infamous for like having like having, like, pool parties and, like, birthday parties and stuff.

And, like, his mom, kind of hot, dude. So, like, at the time, I was, like, this is funny. Like, this is hilarious, you know? But I was so young, like, I'm still, like, discovering the world, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm, like, whoa, like, what is this? What is that? You know? So I thought, like, whipping out my cock would be would be like the funniest thing in the world are you still friends

with this kid no haven't been for like 15 years oh geez yeah but the fact that he's gay now like do you think that's like uh i mean i think since you think i caused that since he was i mean it was probably before any of that happened because if he's over here trying to amp us up to show our, you know, our private. I don't know if he was cheering me on as much as I was cheering him on, though. Like, I don't know if he like he was like down for it. Like, I can't remember. I just thought it was like hilarious, dude. You know what I mean?

Like, I thought it was funny at the time. But like now that I'm older, I found out like he's gay so i'm like wait a second like yo i used to be friends with this kid we did this we did this once at one point like did this lead to him being gay you know i'm saying that the day he found out that he liked yeah but dude that's like a it's like a 10-year differential though yeah no but I think it's a when it takes how long did it take for him to expose that he was

probably like 10 more years. Oh really? But dude he could have been you know he could have been early on dude. No I think it's there's a lot of events that could have definitely been the climax, though.

Yeah. Dude, I should hit him up. Be like, yo, man, like, you want to jump off the deck a few times? That'd be fucked. That'd be so fucked up, dude. And I'm, dude, I'm not even trying to be, like, I'm not even trying to be funny. Like, I legitimately, like, when I, like, think about it, I'm like, holy shit, dude. Like, maybe he was like gay

back then but like he just like didn't have the balls to like let it out you know what i'm saying yeah so like because like that happens a lot you know you hear that a lot like dudes who are gay and they're like i just can't let it out right now you know and then like next thing you know like christmas dinner they're like i have an announcement and you're like holy shit you know yeah i do dude but going back to like crazy stuff like that man like i don't think the people Like, I have an announcement, and you're like, holy shit. You know? I do. Dude, but going back to, like, crazy stuff like that, man, like, I don't think the people understand, like, how close we were, man. Like, you legit, like, showed me my first porn video, explained to me what porn was at the time. Oh, yeah, dude.

I didn't know what porn was, man. And you're like, all right, we'll talk about that tomorrow. you were legit my like oh dude like because you're old you were older than me like for a year like a year older than me so like you kind of like you were like you were in sixth grade while i was in fifth so you kind of like show me the ropes you know what i mean like kind of like yo like this is what we're talking about in sixth grade so like here's like a little like you know what i mean no i remember vividly walking down the road and you picking up a stick and being like yo show me how to jerk like with a stick yeah dude what were you what were you doing initially like you're doing this right well i was trying to explain like i just thought like i don't know what i thought at the

time i thought you just like did like three pumps and then like some magical shit was gonna happen you thought you just did three pumps and you were just shooting ropes yeah i don't know why dude i didn't have any idea dude like just i don't know dude i was like yeah i mean it's okay to be confused dude i was i remember joe fine dude we uh the porn station used to be upstairs dude my sister's room oh yeah and we had like uh we had like a dell computer and i remember like one of the first days i met joe dude we were watching like pornos of angelina jolie and he was so weirded out dude like to this day he remembers it he's like yeah i remember i remember that vividly but it was like one of those fake pornos where

it's like it's like the fucking it's like the celebrity pornos yeah oh yeah where they're like lookalikes yeah dude those are such disappointments man nowadays i feel bad though dude i didn't i didn't mean to like scare him you know what i mean like that was just like the porn station dude i think you scared me too man dude back then though you didn't even like you could crank one out dude like nothing would come out you know yeah you would just like feel it and like nothing would come out i remember the first day that i like after talking to you dude you gave me some pep talks dude about it i was like really i'm gonna go fucking try it dude and i was just like my whole life turned around man i was I was like, I think I was watching the movie Good Luck Chuck.

Do you know that movie, Good Luck Chuck? No. There's a scene in there where he's legit. Good Luck Chuck. Who are the actors? I'm not really good with actors' names, but I think it's pretty much a guy who's like a boobologist, man, who just does like tit-jobs and stuff.

Good luck, Chuck. What is that with – Yeah, it's like – Is he a comedian? He's pretty funny. I think he might be. He's not fat, though. He's not fat.

He's funny, though. He's in a lot of movies. He's a well-known guy. I just don't know his name. It sounds, like, wicked familiar. He's also in, um... I don't even know. I think it's, like, Hall Pass, too.

Really? I think so. I don't know. But, anyways... Hall Pass was a good movie. Yeah. But, anyways, there's, like, a scene in there, dude, for, like, two minutes straight. It's just, like, showing, like... Because he's, like, a sex addict in the movie.

So for, like, two minutes straight, dude, it's just, like, 40 different, like, cubicles of, like, him, like, you know, like, going through intercourse with, like. Really? So I was just, like. Dude. The movie for me was, um, what's it called? It's with Ben Stiller and some other girl. Can't remember the name, though. He, like...

He, like, marries this girl. Yeah. And they're on their honeymoon. And, like, when they're on the honeymoon, like, he finds another girl that he falls in love with. And, like, the girl, like, he initially married was, like, this blonde-haired girl, and it shows, like, there's, like, a porn scene where, like a porn scene where like they're having sex yeah and like it legit shows

her tits dude and that was like the first movie we ever saw like pause yeah dude i watched that like i can like i can probably look it up right now hold on because there was like there was that one movie that's like uh something about mary which completely different movie it's with ben stellar though hold on dude what is this called hold on i don't know if i'm gonna find it but oh the heartbreak kid oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and that that blonde girl was like wicked hot yeah but like it's kind of like she was like sunburned like through the whole movie so i was just like wasn't that hot but at the beginning dude they like got a hotel and stuff

and they had sex too and like it showed like a lot dude and i was like i was like dude this is the best movie I've ever seen. And middle school is definitely a crazy era, man. Now look up. Good luck, Chuck. Quick.

So you can see who, uh, what I'm talking about. Yeah. That's what I'm doing right now. Cause I don't know the actor's name. Cause I was thinking of like Chuck and Larry. Oh, Chuck and Larry. about. Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. Because I don't know the actor's name. Because I was thinking of, like, Chuck and Larry. Oh, Chuck and Larry. Oh, yeah, this is the exact dude I was thinking of.

Dude, this is the exact guy I was thinking about, dude. Really? Dude, the reviews, 5.6 out of 10. Dude, Rotten Tomatoes, which isn't even accurate, dude, 5%. dude, 5%. Yeah, this is the one where he falls in love with Jessica Alba. Yeah, yep. Yeah. Yeah, Dane Cook.

Yes, dude. Yeah, he's a comedian, dude. Oh, he is? Yeah. Yeah, I thought so, dude. He's mad funny, dude. He's a comedian. I guess he went through something where he was accused of jokes and then like kind of fell off the grid a

little bit but what is uh he's in another movie though it's called employee of the month yes that's the movie i was trying to think of dude employee of the month dude that movie is so funny bro yeah yeah that's a good movie dude dude yeah that's the movie i was thinking of when you said that yeah yeah i don't know if i've seen Good Luck Chuck, but I've seen Employee of the Month where he falls in love with Jessica Alba. Yeah, dude. So they might have just had, like, two different movies. Yeah, I think Jessica Alba was in the other one, too.

Yeah. She's hot, dude. Dude, that guy is... I love... That guy is funny, though. I love that guy. That was back in the day, though, dude. That was, like...

Come on. That was from, like, 2009. Yeah, that was usually 10 day though, dude. That was like, come on, this was from like 2009. Yeah, that was easily 10 years ago, bro. 2007? Dude, that's crazy. Wow. Dude, I actually do remember this. Wow.

Holy shit, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Dude, I think my mom was just home. Hold on. Hold on. Dude, I hope she didn't hear that. I go, I texted her, I go, yo. I was like, yo, did you move the SD card that was on the dryer?

Because like last podcast, I took the SD card and I put it in my pocket by accident. So I'm like, and I know she put it on the, uh, that was her man. Fuck. I was like, yo, did you put the SD card, uh, like somewhere else? And she was like, yeah, I put it in like a, uh, like a glass jar. Like it went through the dryer and the washer. So like before this, I had to go to Best Buy and buy like a brand new SD card. And I just go, uh, she goes, yeah,

went through the wash cycle on the dryer. Don't know if it's still good. Did you find it? I was like, I just bought a new one. She just texted me. She goes, I'm on the way to Aunt Patty's.

I'll see you later. And I was like, did you just come home? And she goes, yep. I thought that was my sister or something. Fuck. Hopefully she didn't hear us, man.

I don't think she'd be surprised, though. She's probably heard some shit over the years, man. Dude, speaking of that, man, like, so, I think you texted, so, when you first showed me the first porn video of my life, I remember it was, like, a 12-inch, like, branch, dude, on the screen dude no i remember this and like you texted me that night and you're like dude like i like you said something about the video i forget what exactly what it was dude and for some reason my mom the phone was like right next to my mom saw saw the message dude and she looks at me and she was like, is this John up the street? I was like, yeah.

She was like, yeah, you're going to take a little break from hanging out with him for this week. Really? What did it say? Dude, I forget exactly what it said, but I know it had something to do with the video you showed me earlier. Oh, really? Yeah. My mom knew that I looked like a changed person. I do remember this. I do remember this. it had something to do with with the with the video you showed me earlier oh really yeah and my mom knew that i looked like a changed person i do remember this i do remember this i remember

i remember watching a porno with you but i remember it was wicked weird like it wasn't like interesting yeah i remember watching a porno with joe fine dude and it was angelina joe lee's lookalike so it was like a good porno yeah Yeah. I remember with you, dude, I'm like showing you Pornhub. Yeah. And it was this dude with like a red cock. And I was like, what the fuck? It was like painted red, dude. And he was doing like some Indian foreplay, dude. And I was like, yo, I don't know what this is, dude.

And you were like, I'm done. Yes. I think I went home, dude. I think I said it all. Yeah. I think you like didn't sleep over that night and i had to like tell my mom about it i was like joey's not sleeping over yeah that's exactly yeah but i remember that dude i think i had an anxiety attack in bed that night too i was just thinking about it that is kind of like did your mom know i'm like

retarded yeah oh really yeah so she just like pretends like a family partisan stuff she's like oh john how are you oh yeah she knows because she like she knows i have like a deep voice so like whenever i talk she's like wow john you're so professional and i'm like you definitely know like you definitely know what my childhood was like yeah you know she definitely knows dude i don't know if my mom knows, like, I think she does. You know what I mean? Like, she probably just listened to what we just said

and was like, that makes sense. Like, I can't tell if she's like, yeah, Joey's over, or like, she's like,

I'm just gonna pretend like I don't know. You know what I mean? It's like, this kid's selfish. It's like, dude, do you remember anything

from our childhood where my mom was like, I mean, I do, but like, with like, between me and you, besides calling your dad

a motherfucker, like, I remember that. Like, so she knows, you know what I mean? Yeah. And I was like, between me and you, besides calling your dad a motherfucker, like, I'm with that. Like, so she knows. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I was like, dude, that was a while ago. Dude, I think she caught on to, like, our awareness when we went to go work with her, man, that one day. Oh, dude. Yes.

Yes. Because I'm pretty sure, like, I forget, like, we were just, like, in the meat freezer, dude, just, like, throwing, like, sausages across at each other. I can't remember, but she brought it up, like, not even, like, two weeks ago. Yeah. She was like, I remember back in the day, like, you and Joey playing with sausages in the meat freezer. Yeah, but I forget who. Someone walked in on us, though. I think it was her.

No, it wasn't her. Oh, it was her. It was her. And she was like, what are you guys doing? We're like, I have a fucking, like, a bazooka in my hand, dude, of meat. I'm just like. Dude. Yeah, he walked in at a weird time. No, dude. That was like a legitimate.

I think that was salami, dude. Oh, it definitely was salami, dude. But dude, in the freezer in the deli department, they have salamis that are this big. And that's like $100 right there. Yeah. Because I remember I made a skit about a salami, and I went to buy one from the deli department. I was like, yo, I know what I'm talking about. And they were like, yeah, we'll give you this much for like $20.

And I was like, all right. So, like, dude, the one you were holding was probably like this big. At least $100, dude. It was a bazooka, man. And you had it between your legs, dude. My mom was like, okay. We were young. Dude, I think I was 10 and you were 11.

I remember we were just like stocking shelves at like market basket dude and like people were like coming on the show yeah we were stocking shelves i remember uh putting shrimps in like the shrimp section like packages of shrimp dude and like people were walking by like oh can we take a picture of you guys like oh yeah they were either 10 years old over here working at market basket dude we were fucking crushing it, though. I know. We were, like... It wasn't, like, a bad thing, dude. We could pretty much do whatever we wanted, like... Yeah, that was fun.

That was a good time. I feel like the people that worked there were kind of, like... I think we had a better IQ than, like, half the people that were working there. Probably, yeah. Like, because we were motivated to do it. Yeah, we were, like... And they, like, hated their lives. And they were, like, why are you guys excited to be here?

And we just had, like, sausages between our legs. We were, like, we were just having sword fights yeah we're just like throwing like toilet paper like over like a section of like dude do you remember that yeah dude i think it landed on someone at one point oh you threw dude you threw a roll of toilet paper like two rows over oh yeah at least two aisles over and it landed on someone's head can you imagine that dude just being like 42 like going shopping like on a saturday and you just get hit with a roll of toilet paper yeah dude that was good times though we woke up i think we woke up at like four in the morning that day dude dude i remember taking down a whole aisle yeah like i remember they were like hey like you're gonna jack this water up like the stack of water and like

bring it across the store and i took down like half dude i took down like half an aisle yeah they had to call like backup like they had to go over the intercom and be like clean up on aisle three like literally for some reason i like thought we were like about to get employed by them though low-key yeah i thought we were killing it dude i think it's just like a motivation factor like i think you just have to be motivated to work there. Yeah. Like, you don't even have to, like, do what's right. I had fun, man.

Because, like, dude, I've worked there before, and I've done what's right, but I wasn't motivated. But I would see people who are, like, motivated. But you worked there legitimately? Yeah, I've worked there, like, a few summers, dude. Really? I got in a lot of trouble, man. I didn't know that. Yeah, dude, I worked in the frozen foods aisle because they needed help in that aisle. old are you this is like two three years ago yeah i needed a job over the summer i

was like my mom was like yeah just working the frozen foods aisle like they need help and i was like all right dude so they were like hey like first test like go in the back room like jack this skid up and bring it out so i jack it up i bring it out and they're like wow man like that's really impressive like that you know how to do that and i was like what they're like no seriously like new hires take like a year just to figure out how to jack up a fucking skid and i was like are you serious man they're like yeah but i was working at frozen foods dude so like you had to wear gloves yeah to put away shit and like the first week i didn't wear gloves so like there were there were points where like i would have to stop and like thaw my hands out so like dude yo legit i'm

legit in the middle of thawing my hands out i'm like i can't feel my hands so i'm like in the middle of the aisle going like this dude the frozen foods aisle manager is on his iphone taking a video of me oh wow swear to god dude takes a video of me and he's like john is this what you're doing like is this like what you're doing the whole time and i'm like no dude like i just don't have gloves like like i was killing it beforehand like i knew where everything was i was like so you're just like going like this like warm your hands yeah i didn't bring gloves and like everyone knew that too and i was like i was like dude i'm just i'm just throwing on my hands man like i literally can't feel my hands it was like no man like i have a video of you like

you're fucked and i was like dude what the fuck like you're a psychopath dude yeah you're a legit psychopath that guy sounds like a weird what'd your mom say about the situation dude i told like two of the workers who were working in the same aisle i'm like dude like you know like so and so like just called me out man like he took me on video yeah and they were like dude that guy's a fucking psychopath but like dude before that like i'd like i was killing him man like i knew where everything was like i was putting it through like everything away fast but just like just that one moment dude he happened to be like literally took out his iphone and videotaped it dude that's crazy man but dude they were like they were like amped when i started working there they were like this kid can like pick up stuff and put it away oh yeah that's all you're doing dude

you just don't know where shit is so it's like yeah but i think i think it's just a motivation factor man oh that's like when we were young dude like we were probably so motivated to like do stuff yeah and they were probably just like we like this shit yeah like that's crazy man because i think when he went it was during winter time so we kind of like just chilled like we chilled outside but like we're like limited on like things to do and like had to go inside like mad early because it would get dark out and your mom was like oh you guys want to come work with us and we're like oh of course yeah like we have nothing it's freezing outside why wouldn't we go to work with you you know yeah and it was like i remember like visiting dude it was we get fun to visit but i think we're just young man you know dude how about the beach days we had

man we're like we would go like with your mom and your sister and stuff and your sister's friend dude and every time we went to our nipples would legit just be like shot off dude like we like the ride home would legit be like i think i think the one thing was, like, nowadays, like, I wear, like, tighter underwear. Yeah. So, like, I wear, like, Hanes. Yeah. And they're, like, compressed. So, like, I know I'm not going to chafe.

Yeah. Back in the day, though, dude. Oh, yeah. I was chafing all the time, dude. Yeah, because we would just wear underwear, dude. No, we wouldn't even wear underwear. Yeah. We wouldn't wear underwear.

And that netting, dude. That netting and the bathing suit. Dude, like, even nowadays, like, do you use the netting no i always cut it out yeah i always cut it out yeah i thought it was the only one no i cut it out every time that netting dude all it does is that netting does nothing i don't think i mean other than it like literally brings my dick up to like my belly button yeah and i always have to like chop it off dude like my cock i think i legit look for bathing suits that don't have the netting like they sell those yeah they're called like a surf the surfboard shorts or something like that i'm not gonna lie dude like i have some shorts that are

actual bathing suits and i just i just cut out the netting yeah just wear them like that but like even even if you wear underwear with the netting dude like they like they legitimately bring your cock up to another level yeah i mean yes and like dude real talk bro if you go in the water and then come out like you're gonna want your cock to look presentable you know i'm sorry of course so like dude if you go in the water swim for a little bit and then like you have the netting like it's you're not gonna be looking good yeah you know i'm saying you have a fupa yeah you're gonna going to be looking good. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You look like a, you have a fupa. Yeah.

You're going to want to have, like, the nice angle, dude. So. Yeah. With the, like, compression, like, boxes, though, dude. You got a nice outline. Yeah, dude. You got a nice fucking, like, 45-degree angle, dude. More realistic view of the.

Yeah. I thought it was the only one, dude. Oh, no. 100%. Everyone I talk to has, like, the, like, the legit fucking, like, the netting. I think, dude, I think, honestly, the netting is for, like, seaweed to not get in or something, like, along those lines. It's, like, to just, like, prevent from, like, sand and seaweed to, like, get into, like. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. It's, like, dude, I'll go to, like, Walmart or, like, Target, and I'll never – I'll see bathing suits that look like legitimate shorts. Yeah. And I'll be like, oh, like, I want to buy these. But, like, it's just like – like, they have the netting. So you have to cut it out.

But, I mean, it's not that big of a deal. But it's still like, dude, there must be something about the netting that just, like – Yeah. I think, honestly, I think it's just to avoid sand getting in your nuts. Yeah, which makes sense. Because, dude to avoid sand getting in your nuts. Yeah, which makes sense. Because, dude, if sand gets in your gooch. I mean, sand is thick. That netting is still going to – there's still holes in netting.

So sand will get in regardless. Yeah, dude. Dude, we honestly – I'm not even kidding right now. Like I might be a little buzzed, but like, dude, we can make a business that just sells bathing suits without the netting. Bro, that's already a thing. Really? Yeah yeah they're called boarding shorts or something like that sure yeah because i have i thought they were called uh net neff or something or whatever that brand is neff or neff i've heard of uh

not jimmy johns but uh fucking uh isn't that like a fucking sausage company yeah no what is it called? They have like the spandex inside of the pants. I can't remember what they're called, but they already have a company that's like that. But in terms of like actual fucking... Like a bathing suit. Like a bathing suit looking like a bathing suit without the netting. Yeah. I don't think there's anything like that.

Yeah, I think you're right. I'll look it up right now, dude. I'm going to type it on fucking Google, dude. I actually, like, wanna know what this is. Yo, legit, dude. Okay, here we go. The primary purpose of the net inside a pair of swim trunks is to provide support to the genitals while swimming.

The netting hugs the genitals close to the body in a manner similar to brief-style underwear. This keeps them out of harm's way during physical activity. It's all about protecting the genitals, dude. But I feel like I don't think it protects. I mean, okay, so it'll protect the genitals, but it won't protect chafing. Yeah. Like, there's no way it protects chafing.

Because, like, dude, if you just have the netting, it's just fucking nothing. You know what I mean? Like, the side of your legs. If you have big legs. Because, dude, if you just have the netting, it's just fucking nothing. You know what I mean? The side of your legs. If you have big legs like us, dude, they always grind together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Dude, serious question. When you were younger and you had big legs like myself,

would you ever see kids, maybe like Joe Marcolini or something, who had like smaller legs and you'd be like i wonder if their legs like don't rub up against each other yeah and i know you mean you think they didn't no no they didn't really yeah so you think like you think that affected their genitals though they could have could have yeah like without a doubt so you're saying you could come up with the product that kind of soothes like some nice material that prevents people with bigger legs they've already invented a product that like they have spandex that's attached to the swim trunks or shorts, I should say. But if we just made swim trunks with, like, actual boxer briefs, you know what I'm saying?

Or just without them. Yeah. Because, I mean, like the shorts I'm wearing right now, Adidas shorts, they have the same material, but they don't have the fucking legging. And they're not swim trunks, well, I mean, they could be used as swim trunks too though,

that's kind of where I've got to in my life too, like, I just like, pair like, I just get like a nice pair of like, shorts, and I just use them as swim shorts, yeah,

and then you wear like, the Hanes underwear, yeah, underneath, yeah, it's all about the underwear, like, you don't even have to,

swim trunks are just like, to their aesthetics, the aesthetics, yeah,neath, yeah. Yeah. It's all about the underwear. Like, you don't even have to. Swim trunks are just, like. To their aesthetics. The aesthetics. Yeah, essentially. Yeah. But, like, I remember, like, especially being fat, dude, like, if you didn't wear underwear. Oh, yeah. And you had the netting, dude, like.

It's the most uncomfortable thing in your life. Yeah, but, dude, the thing is, like, say you fucking do a swan dive into the ocean and then you pop back up and you can see your swim trunks like you want someone to be like yo that kid's got a nice outline you know like you don't want to fucking you don't have like a camel toe you know yeah that's true but i feel wearing, like, spandex or something like that, it's kind of taken away from the outline, too, though. Really? Yeah. Dude, I mean, I've worn.

You lose an inch, at least. No. So, dude, the thing about spandex is, like, spandex. So, if you wear, like, boxer briefs, like, your stomach doesn't look as big. If you wear spandex, dude. Yeah, they do. Yeah, your stomach is fucking huge. Yeah.

Because it's compressing your stomach, dude. Yeah, I agree with that. So, it, like, pops out. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, dude, yourandex, dude. Yeah, they do. Yeah, your stomach was fucking huge. Yeah. Because it's compressing your stomach, dude. Yeah, I agree with that. So it like pops out, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, dude, your fucking dick though, it'll give it like a boost. You think so? I think spandex does, yeah. I don't know what it is.

I think it's just like the compression. Yeah. Like it's literally compressing your dick against your body. Yeah. Whereas like if you have more free, like you have more room. I don't know if you ever more free like you have more room i don't know if you ever wore like fucking legit boxers not like haynes like you know briefs but like boxers dude yeah yeah i mean you just have so much room to play around with so you're like you know

it doesn't look as big that's true i mean i don't know i feel like kind of like with spandex, it kind of like pushes your genitals up. So it's kind of like squishing it. Yeah. Whereas if like something where like it's free, it's kind of like doing its own thing. So it's kind of like dangling more. Yeah. Yeah.

So I don't know. It's tough. It's weird, man. Like I've, I've free balled it and I've been like, wow, like my dick feels so free right now.

Like it feels bigger, but I've also worn spandex and I've been like, my dick looks bigger right now. And I think it's just because it's compressing everything. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, there's not as big of an area, you know? You know what we should do, dude, is invent, like, men's thongs.

We've both seen someone wear, like, a woman's thong, and I think that would be, like, really fucking, that'd be a good starting point. Men's thongs we've both seen someone wear like a woman's thong i think that would be like really fucking that'd be a good starting point men's thongs like dude i've told the story about our neighbor yeah wearing thongs dude i saw actually speaking of him i saw him the other day and he acted like he was too cool to say hi back really yeah fuck him dude should we say his name dude i dude i saw him at Buffalo Wild Wings. I went with a couple... Since I ride, like, motorcycles now,

we have, like, a little crew, so we all rode to Buffalo Wild Wings, and, dude, I'm like, oh, damn it. Like, there he is. Who was he with, though? Dude, he was with some other guy, and they were both sitting on the same side of the table, but, like, you know what I mean?

Like, no one was across from them, so it was just, like, weird and awkward. Yeah. So, like, I made a huge scene. I was like, yo, what's up? How you been? And he just, like, looked at me and just, like, was just like, hey. Just didn't want anything. Wait, wait.

Dude, that's what you said, though? You said, yo, how have you been? Yeah, like, hey, man, how you been? Like, a long time no see. Like, hope everything's good. He was just like, nah. Yeah just like nah yeah like was not having it dude should we say his name no i'm just kidding we don't do that maybe dude you think it's because he knows no no no no dude excited he dm'd me dude like too saying like for people who don't know, this is about an individual who wore a legitimate thong in front of Joey and I while playing soccer. And he bent over and we saw him wearing a legitimate thong, like a woman's thong. And we also made sure that we were correct and made him bend over more than a couple times to ensure that we were correct.

I specifically remember you kicking the soccer ball in the corner. So that he would bend over one more time i remember telling the story people were like dude people were either like yo this is about joey or this isn't real and i was like dude you have no idea like yeah i know you and i both specifically remember this moment oh yeah it was right in front of my house yeah do you think it was like the why do you think he was wearing it though do you think he just like he was uncomfortable like in his own skin because i i feel bad like i'm like all right dude like this is honestly probably your mom's thong dude you know what i mean and if he came out and he was like hey i just fucking i just feel powerful you know i feel dangerous in this thong yeah dude i'd be i'd respect that completely but

we never really found out why he was wearing it, dude. He might have just been experimenting, man. Just kind of trying to figure out, like... Really? I mean, dude, like, I'm not going to lie. He was pretty good at soccer, so... Like, he was crossing us off, dude. Like, the first few days.

Yeah, I remember... I think after that, we kind of caught on, but, like... Yeah. Initially, like, we were so used to playing kids that were so bad. Yeah. And he was, like... The day he wore that thong, dude... Yeah, he was...

He was good, man. He was doing some crossovers and he was good man he was good dude it was funny watching him when we uh we played some middle school like for the actual team i remember him trying out dude and like he would like just be so slow but like nasty at the same time you know what i mean like it'd be like he'd have like spurts of just being like crazy and then that only lasts for like two minutes yeah why is it surprising though dude yeah i know really like it was just like i don't know man like he that's like playing basketball though and being like you have like a slow initial move but then you can just like burst like any second dude speaking of that i have a funny story about basketball so you know coach reedy man like I have a funny story about basketball.

So, you know, Coach Reedy, man, like, guys, he loved me for some reason, dude. Like, I could do, like. I think it's just because of, like, your motivation, dude. Like, you were, like, really motivated. Yeah, I think so, too. Like, I think he saw me, like, a lot of summer things and blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. So, dude, he loved me to death, man.

Like, could never yell at me, dude. I would mess up so bad, like, during a drill or something. He would just, like, laugh or, like, laugh or like whatever honestly dude it was also probably because you speak spanish too yeah probably so you didn't want to come across as like yeah yeah probably i don't know so anyways man we were like dude i forget we were like in the middle of the season dude and we're playing like a wicked good team and apparently there's like a like um like a wicked good guy on the other team and like he's making a speech dude and over he looks at me he comes over at me dude like starts like poking me in the chest dude yeah he's like tonight's your night man you're on the starting five wait wait reedy was doing

this to you yeah like in the middle of his speech poking me in the chest like yo tonight is your night like you're covering number five man like. Like, I've seen your defensive skills. Like, tonight is all about you. I didn't get in the game once. Really? Yeah, dude. Like, made this huge scene about, like, dude, during his, like, pregame, like, speech, dude. Like, I went out of his way to poke me in the chest in front of everyone.

I was like, yo. I don't know what happened. I mean, dude, I wouldn't be surprised, though. Because, like, your defense was pretty good. Yeah, I was good at moving my feet, man. But... Yeah. Do you think, like, soccer came into play, like, then or now?

Yeah. Yeah. What do they teach you in soccer? Like, watch the chest or no? Watch the chest. Like, you always want to, like... Same thing, like, you always want to look at someone's hips, man. Like, even with basketball, you never look at the chest.

You always look at someone's hips. Yeah. I mean, in basketball, it's, like, either or. It's, like, you look at their at someone's hips man like even with basketball you never look at the chest always look at someone's hips yeah i mean in basketball it's like either or it's like you look at their chest or their hips yeah but either way dude if someone has fast hips it's like fuck i think i got my so i played in soccer i played the right wing so like i kind of had to like make runs and like kind of like sprint in different spurts which is what made me kind of like be quicker in basketball like when it comes to like the like like be different spurts which is what made me kind of like be quicker in basketball like when it comes to like the like like be like spurty like like jump onto like someone with the ball or whatever yeah if i just wasn't like such a spaz with the ball dude probably would have like you know what i mean if i just like slowed down a little bit could have been like decent yeah i

mean looking back at basketball dude like you definitely had like the defensive skills and the shooting skills yeah anything related to driving like no obviously but like dude my driving was weak dude but i'm also five seven dude like the thing is like your consistency though was like better than a lot of people's you know what i mean like for example like myself dude like i remember sophomore year i didn't do i didn't want to play sophomore year dude like i didn't have think about like me like how much basketball i played when i was younger and then like when i got to there i was like i don't want to fucking do this dude you know what i mean yeah so like dude like the the way you like outpushed everyone else was like yeah i like you why I like you so much. Yeah. I think I went from like legit, like not knowing a single thing about basketball at all to like,

just like, not really like getting better, but just like working at it, man. Like, yeah. I mean, dude,

basketball, it's like, it's kind of like fucking like sprinting. It's like, you hear people who are like, i'm fast and you're like you don't know what fast is yeah i mean yeah exactly yeah and when you play basketball it's like people are like yo i'm good it's like you don't know what good is you know i mean like you could be the best player in rhode island dude like think about the number one player in the country

dude like he has like what like a 10 chance of making the nba and he's the one player in the country, dude. Like, he has, like, what, like a 10% chance of making the NBA, and he's the best player in the country, dude. Correct. So it's, like, I don't know, man. But I also think that Cumberland, too, though, with, like, sport-wise, was kind of, like, not really, like, kind of like a lack of opportunity, too. You know what I mean? Like, you kind of, like, not really a lack of opportunity, but, like, for someone like me, for example, that, like, could play, but, but like so i would only go in with like the people that were sitting you know i mean

like oh everyone on the bench was going together you know what i mean like if we're like winning by a lot or losing by a lot the bench would go in together and like at the end of the day like if you're going with the bench that isn't playing either how is that going to show off what you have if you're not playing with like people at the that have that? At the same time, though, dude, like, if you go to, like, if you go down south, dude, like, a big school in Texas or, like, a big school in Florida. Yeah. Like, a lot of those kids, like, are pretty good, man. They just never get the chance to play. Yeah.

It's like. Yeah. That's the way I think about it. I'm like, dude, I got the chance to play high school sports. Yeah. So, like. I know kids who, like, didn't make the team. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. And, like, I was lucky enough to play. So, I was just like to play high school sports. Yeah, so, like, you said you enjoyed it. I know kids who, like, didn't make the team. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's true. And, like, I was lucky enough to play, so I was just like, fuck it, man. You know? Like, especially, like, especially in terms of baseball. Like, I was just like, wow, like, dude, I got the chance to play, like, a lot of innings. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then even, like, football.

I was like, dude, when I was younger, like, I was like, I'm never going to be good enough to play. And then, like, I won a state championship with the team. Yeah, was that your senior year or your junior year? That was my junior year. But, like, if you asked me, like, freshman or sophomore year, like, you know, you're going to win a state championship with a team, I'd be like, dude, you're fucking stoned out of your mind. So it's like pretty lucky to even be playing, dude. I remember I was at the game that you hit your knee to. That was crazy.

Yeah, like, dude, thinking about, like, thinking about my knees, like, even playing again, dude, and, like, winning a state championship, like, I would have been like, dude, you're fucking insane. But, like, don't get me wrong, like, definitely a team game. But just to even be able to play, you know what I mean? Like, even to be on the field, dude. Like, there's other kids who are good who weren't on the field it's like fuck man like i was pretty lucky dude you know what i mean 100 dude like if i lived like dude if i lived in florida you know texas

at a legitimate school like i would have never played dude you know so it's like even if i like dude if i have kids or something and they're not playing like is that like an irrational thought to have like hey let's move somewhere else you know it's not really like an irrational thought it's just like yo these kids are nasty you know what i mean yeah these kids are actually good let's go to an area where they're like they're good but they're not like that good you know what i mean like yeah like that's what, like, Cumberland is. It's like, yo, these kids are good. You know what I mean? They're good, but they're not, like, nationally ranked good.

You know what I mean? Like, dude, I'm 24 now. Like, you're 23, dude. Dude, kids our age, like, think about Patrick Mahomes, dude. What is he, 23 right now? Yeah, he's 23 or 24, dude. Or Tatum. Dude, he's in the NFL.

How about Tatum? Huh? Jason Tatum? Yeah, exactly, dude. Think, 24, dude. Or Tatum. Dude, he's in the NFL. How about Tatum? Huh? Jason Tatum? Yeah, exactly, dude. Think about that, dude. Like, think about, like, age. Like, that's crazy to me, man. Dude, when Tatum first joined the Celtics, dude,

and just knowing that I was the same age as him, I was like, what? And, like, dude, all the analysts, like, I mean, they suck, but, like, they have been projected as, like, you know, they predict him to be the best player in the league, like, moving forward. And, like, I wouldn't say that's, like, crazy know, if they predict him to be the best player in the league moving forward. And I wouldn't say that's crazy to predict. I mean, they're always wrong, but it's like I wouldn't be surprised, dude. You know? Are you talking about Mahomes or Tatum?

Tatum. Tatum's younger than us. No, he's my age. He's younger than me then. Yeah. And Mahomes is younger than me. That's crazy. Didn't he sound like a 10- sign, like, a 10-year? Was it a 10-year? I think it was a 5-year.

No, it was a 10-year, bro. It was, like, the largest contract in quarterback history. Yeah, it was a 10-year. Really? Yeah. I don't know. I know he signed one and then Kelsey signed one. Yeah.

So they're going to be together for at least six more years, dude. But, like, just thinking about that age dude yeah like dude even think about like zion williamson dude think about basketball being like oh like fucking high school basketball didn't work out for me and i'm like think about fucking zion williams dude holy shit dude if i saw that kid he reminds me of that kid from lincoln dude who was that dude that big kid from lincoln dude that played osay yeah osay dude yeah that's who like he reminds me of dude i remember legitimately playing osay in football and being like what the fuck am i doing dude like i was

starting and i was like what the fuck am i doing here dude yeah he was a big guy man you could literally be like with a kid like osSA you could be like alright man like we're double teaming him every single play like even if it's going to the weak side yeah and like it still wouldn't work

so you'd be like fuck my doing dude yeah he's a big dude man big big dude oh man dude it sucks to think about like thinking about that like it's fucked

you know cause like you wanna be like that one kid who like makes it but it's just like if you think about, like, thinking about that. Like, it's fucked, you know? Because, like, you want to be, like, that one kid who, like, makes it. But it's just, like, if you think about it, it's, like, dude, I was lucky, man. Yeah. Like, I was lucky to even, like, play in high school. Like, never mind college. Dude, I played tennis for a semester. Oh, you did, yeah.

Because of Ben Bradley, man. Dude, Ben Bradley, like put me over, like over his shoulders and like brought me down there. And it was like, you're playing for the, for the team. I was like, I was like,

all right, I'll try it out. I remember you telling me that I'm like, dude, what are you doing? I know. I don't know what I was, dude.

I was a weird time in my life, man. Like dude, even the kids that I was playing with, dude, were like, dude, like I was more athletic than they were like a hundred percent, dude. And they were looking at me like I was an idiot. And I was like, all right. Yeah. I like, dude, like, I was more athletic than they were, like, 100%, dude.

And they were looking at me like I was an idiot. And I was like, all right. Yeah, I mean, dude, like, that's, like, me trying to play soccer, though. Yeah. Like, yeah, I might be able to hang in there, but, like, I'm not going to be, like, as good as the other guys. The thing is, I don't even think I had a tennis racket. I think I had, like, a racket, like, a racket ball, like, thing, dude. Like, I definitely did not have the proper, like, tennis racket, dude, and no one even told me. All right, Joe, a racket ball like thing, dude. Like I definitely did not have the proper like tennis racket, dude.

And no one even told me. All right, Joe, we're wrapping this up, dude. Nah, dude. It's been, yeah, man, this has been fun, though. Seriously, man. I appreciate you coming, dude. Of course. For everyone who doesn't know, man. This has been fun, though. Seriously, man. I appreciate you coming, dude. Of course. For everyone who doesn't know, dude, Joey and I, best friends, dude.

First friends I ever met when I moved to Cumberland, dude. Best childhood friend, dude. 90% of the stories you hear on the podcast involve Joey. So, Joey, thank you for coming, man. I really appreciate it, dude. Thanks for having me, man. Definitely some good times we had, bro. Glad we were able to share something. It'll be handed down for coming, man. I really appreciate it, dude. Thanks for having me, man. Definitely some good times we had, bro. Glad we were able to share something.

It'll be handed down for generations, man. For sure.