The Johnny Salami Podcast - Joey Avery

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Joey Avery by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Actually, sorry. Can't say that. Just throwing off high, dude.

Yeah, just never mind. Remove it. Anyway, I met him. I went there there and it's cool and i this it was not as expensive as i thought it would be and it's like a thrift shop no not exactly no it's like a fucking like fashion eat sort of thing i don't even know dude i don't know anything about fashion i got invited to this like brooklyn thing today and it was like dress code street wear fly fits and i pan, and I was like, I got to wear something matching.

It's like a party? Yeah. Holy shit. Like, invite only? I think so, yeah. Damn, dude. I feel like I don't get those things that much, so I really want to, like, you know, pretend like I belong, dude. Yeah.

I'll probably just go fucking shades the whole time. Yeah. If people ask me what I do, I'll just say I started a company. Yeah. What type of company are you? You wouldn't get it. Yeah. It's in the cloud.

You know what I mean? It's a back-end, forward-thinking, fashion activism technology platform. I feel like it's all about confidence, man. 100%. Because you could walk into one of those things with a fucking dildo on your forehead. Yeah. No one's going to ask questions if you have like a strut to you. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? I think what you do if you don't have a great idea for a fake business is you go, oh, do you know Fundly? And they're like, no. And you're like, wait, really? You don't know Fundly? Oh, oh my God. Oh, that's crazy. Well, if you don't know them, what we do is not going to make sense.

It's kind of like downstream of that, but they're huge in our space. Yeah. If you practice. Their eyes will just glaze over and they'll just think you're a swinging dick. Yeah. You just got to practice like a few times in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah.

So you wouldn't get it. Yeah. I feel like that hits every time. You know Fundley? Yeah. You say no. See, that's actually good to know. What are you going to do, though? If someone says

yeah, I'll just be like, oh, I'm exactly like that. Because I would say yeah. Yeah. And then the conversation's just over. You just walk away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, yeah. Well, yeah, we do that sort of thing. What do you do? That'd be fucked. How's your relationship with your family?

If that was actually a, like a thing, that'd be fucked. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, lying is a dangerous game. Do you mind just turning that a little bit?

It's making fart sounds. It is. I didn't know if that was part of the, you might want to have to turn the other way. Get intimate with me. Oh, that's good. Oh,

hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like my bad, dude, it was just the fart sounds. I wasn't sure if that, I was worried about that my bad dude it was just the fart sounds i wasn't sure if that i was worried about that too but i was bringing back memories dude that's like the one thing i can't hear is like a fart sound really i'll start losing my mind dude why

i'll just start laughing dude you know yeah yeah if someone farts in like a like a professional environment dude yeah i'm gonna have to head out what do you do if you have to fart at the gym at the gym yeah this is uh i have a there's a reason i'm asking i had a big morning last night i i got home we i'd been drinking a little bit and i was a little hungry so i made a bean and cheese burrito bean and cheese so as you can imagine you know that'll that'll fire you up and then i hit the gym this morning and i was like i like this has to leave you know so i would like take the headphone out to make sure that i'm not making any noise you got the the uh transparency ones or like the uh soundproof

like they're soundproof i mean i think i could turn it off but they're pretty crazy like you i you don't hear shit. Yeah. Yeah, that's risky, dude. It's very risky. You might have to take out both headphones, too. Yeah, that's true. You're just ripping loud ass at the gym. Just benching.

So what'd you do? Well, I tried to. So number one, I think I didn't want that in anyone's space. Yeah. So I tried to wait until people weren't around me and then I would just take an air pod out. And when I was confident I was in my own space, I would manually spread a cheek so that I could just let wind out. But it did have to leave.

Yeah. You know? So you let it free. I had to. You gotta let it free, man. I don't, I mean, if, if if not like i'm gonna lie down and when i hit bench it's gonna fly out i've been doing a lot of like breathing exercises at the gym really where you put like a foam roller in between your legs dude yeah you push it together dude

and i've just been sending them off you but like it's uncontrollable where did you get into this so you're just kind of squee this feels like a Le Mans class. Yeah, I'm trying to like strengthen my gooch area, dude. Are you? Yeah. Have you been doing kegels? That's pretty much what it is, man. Yeah.

What's the, do you feel like you have a weak gooch? Yeah, I feel like my pelvis is kind of like, I'm a big like waddler. Like when I walk, I waddle, dude. It's because I'm like weak, you know what I'm saying? Oh, interesting. I didn't know if that was just part of your like vibe but dude try it out man next time you're at the gym bro just put something between your legs and squeeze it together dude you'll feel like your whole fucking pelvis crack really and you'll just fucking shit your pants yeah like given the gym

story i already told i don't need to add this This might be an at-home workout for me. But if you're going to do it, that's the way to go out. Yeah. Because, dude, if I'm going to shit my pants at the gym, I'm going to make it known. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to be a pussy. You don't want to be like, oh, my God, babe. I kind of shit my pants. You want everyone at that gym.

You want to look them in the eye as shit is rolling down your leg and go, I'm going to Planet Fitness anyway. 24 hour fitness sucks. You guys are losers. I did this to make a statement and then just leave. Yeah. If you knew you were going to shit your pants and you had some time to prep it at the gym, is that how you would go? How would you do it?

If I knew that a pants-shitting was coming, and in this scenario I don't want to avoid it, I just want to make a bang. You know you're going to go out like an American hero. I think that I go on the treadmill full sprint. Like, full, like as fast as possible. So that first of all, everyone's looking at me me going the raw athleticism on this guy is what they think at first knee drive knee drives and yeah their second thought is is he okay and

then right when everyone is looking at me i shit fully down my leg and it hits the treadmill flies clean across the room and uh hits someone who's uh trying to do squat thrusts that's a good one dude yeah what about you dude i think i would uh find some dude who's trying to do squat thrusts. That's a good one, dude. Yeah. What about you? Dude, I think I would find some dude who's like squatting heavy. Yeah. Do like a full-on sprint towards him. Like jump up in the air. Drop kick him with both of my legs.

Fall on my back, dude. And then let it rip. And then I would scream something like really confusing, dude. Yeah. Like like where's my fucking daughter that's pretty good yeah i think so yeah because now all of a sudden you go from bad guy to good guy and they're like did that guy who just drop kicked and then shat well also you're not really gonna get the shit to him so it's just gonna fall out you're just gonna have kicked him shit on yourself and then demand your daughter but people will still

be like i don't know how i'd behave if someone had my daughter yeah you know they think that guy fucking literally kind of a hero now yeah yeah i'm like that guy that guy fucking stole jessica dude yeah yeah yeah that would be like I feel like most people would be so confused that I would just be a legend automatically, you know what I mean? I think so, yeah. What do you think happens when you come back to the gym? Do you think people are kind of like, that's the guy?

Or are you never going back to that gym? I think if the staff knows, like if I tell them my daughter's actually missing, then... You preemptively tell them just so you know, I know we've never met and, uh, and I'm simply here to get a workout, but I just want you to know in case anything happens, my daughter is missing. It's going to lay that, just going to lay that out here.

Let that cook. I'll see you guys after my workout. Just show them like a picture of like a cat. Yeah. Uh, dude. Really into like burritos and shit. Yeah, I believe that. He would eat fucking mashed beans, dude.

You ever heard of that? Yeah, his grandma would put beans on like a pan and fucking mash them, dude. I'd fuck with that. Because I like refried beans, which feels like just factory mashed. So you're ripping heaters dude yeah yeah yeah same here man you sounded confused when i said bean and cheese burrito is that not something that you're familiar with i've never fucked with that to be honest really honestly mainly because i'm a little too scared to fuck with that fair enough saying yeah just some things you don't fuck with man you know i'm saying that's like it's not kryptonite yeah it could be you do look like a guy that that could just

that look like a guy who takes shits yeah you do yeah yeah that's the first thing you probably thought when you saw me dude 100 yeah yeah this guy fucking dominates dominates yeah yeah this is the whole for the relaxed outfit you know the kind of sturdy lower half yeah just general general thickness that's a shit guy yeah you know you're not wrong dude no you're not and the vibe of you too is a guy who just likes to kind of take his time in there it takes time man to get used to the lifestyle but yeah were you like uh when you were taking dumps back i mean right now when you're taking shits are you waiting for people to leave the stalls next to you or are you just popping off when it when it's

when i know i i i'm not afraid of it when it needs to leave that would have been like yeah you look like a guy who's not scared i'm not afraid dude you ever heard that song never scared i have yeah have you ever heard that song i'm not afraid by eminem yeah it's a banger dude it is a banger yeah that's how i feel when i walk into the stall yeah i sometimes have to remind myself that too just to not be scared do you so you are afraid do you think you're big on home field turf i like being comfortable yeah maybe like a starbucks or something because they got like 17 locks i think about the starbucks bathroom a lot actually because when you're in there i mean just coffee just runs through you and there's just like when you walk

into a starbucks bathroom it's kind of like nom it's like it's seen some fucking shit dude yeah there's like a paper in there and i'm like now i think about when you recycle a newspaper and it's very recycled paper and all the dudes who've just been crushing toilet for years there's like latent like built into every newspaper like years has been steeped and yeah especially like a fucking skull on the ground yeah on the on the fucking in like a war zone that's right and you're just like what the fuck happened here that's what i think about yeah because i don't think they're cleaning it either you think they've just given up a little bit they they they try to clean it but it's like dude a coffee bathroom i mean like there's a lot of people and they're taking their first

their first one of the day once you get the code man it's over yeah the code is crazy i got the code in my notes to be honest sometimes i go in there and just shoot heroin just i feel like that's like what they want a little bit just to feel something yeah exactly feel alive yeah starbucks has maintained a relatively decent uh like you go to like a dunkin donuts or like i was just in canada you go to a tim hortons yeah dude it's crazy in there like starbucks i sometimes i'm like damn starbucks has gone downhill and then you go to a dunkies or a tim hortons and you go starbucks is great starbucks is still fine starbucks is kind of like vietnam and then those other places are kind of like world war ii dude yeah or even world war one it's fucking trench warfare whichever one was worse probably one well depending on who you are

yeah the uh people of jewish descent would definitely say too and i understand that yeah but do you ever read about world war one it was like they were literally just in fucking it was trench warfare yeah so they were just hand to hand in muddy trenches just fucking murdering each other face to face in a complete stalemate they had like mustard gas and shit too they were thrown in there it's pretty bad so they couldn't even smell their own farts dude that's the upside i think there's a saddest part of world war one oh interesting just a bunch of dudes who couldn't smell their own farts. Yeah, it affected an entire generation.

And I think the generational trauma is something that maybe we're dealing with. And maybe that's why we've made the first 20 minutes of this about poo. The freedom. That's every episode. The freedom to do it. I can only be serious for like 10 minutes, dude. Yeah, can you even be? I can do like a pretty, it's a good question man yeah

i try to dude but it's i don't know man you ever do like a you ever do like an inside the actor's studio type interview you just try and like so what how'd you get into comedy no i'll fall asleep if i do that dude sucks you ever like talk to someone about that shit and you're kind of like thinking about other stuff yeah yeah yeah That's what it would be like. Yeah. Cause I could have that talk, but in my head I'd be thinking about like mustard and fucking. Which is almost kind of cool because you're not present.

I would not be present. And then whoever was listening would also not be present. So we'd all be getting to have two conversations at the same time. It might be a nice, that would be a good way to fall asleep or something the podcast that's so boring you can actually get like a creative brainstorm done during it i came up with a new sketch idea during that podcast just because i couldn't fucking listen to it because it was so boring a lot of those are out there yeah people are like yo fuck

the white noise machine dude yeah hit up this the white noise machine you ever heard white noise dude yeah it's called a podcast it's crazy bro get it yeah but yeah man i think starbucks i kind of respect starbucks though honestly man for doing that just letting people in yeah i it's one of those things where you read and you're like that's good that feels right then you go in there and you're like, that's good. That feels right. Then you go in there and you're like, well, are we just letting anybody in here? What's going on? It's like, why is there blood on the walls?

Exactly. Yeah, it's not great. The other thing, man, that they're doing now is like, not really everywhere, but dude, you can just kind of walk in and grab a coffee from the mobile order station and just leave. That is, I will use mobile order from time to time and I always feel like a real fucking genius when I do it because I'm like, I'm optimized. This is a life hack. Cutting the line, dude.

But I have that thought. To me, it gives me confidence in society. The fact that they can have it and just put all these lovely coffees up there and most people go, that is not mine. I did not pay for that. And it works most of the time.

Yeah. That's pretty beautiful. Yeah. It's kind of like recess, man. Like some shit's going to go down, but for the most part, everyone's kind of like doing their job. That's right. Someone's going to get pushed, but most of us are just trying to play marbles. Yeah.

It's like, dude, if you're playing flag football, you're going to get fucking stiff-armed every once in a while. I miss that, dude. I do, yeah. Like, getting... Were you, like, a big flag football guy? I mean, not flag football, but, like, two-hand touch? I was a big... Yeah, I just wanted to play games.

At any stretch, I would play, you know, in my youth, handball. I'd fuck around with some tetherball. We'd play basketball. Handball's like basketball, but, like... No, bro. Hand hand balls like basketball but like no bro handball did you not have the fucking handball where it's like there's a big wall and you have a big red ball and you're hitting it like this and bouncing it off the wall no what we played uh we played wall ball it was with a tennis ball bro you, you never played it? Run down? Is this a regional thing?

I got to pull this up. Dude, I think handball is what they play in Russia. Well, that... So team handball is sick as fuck. And honestly, I really do want to play it. Because there is actually no sport that... I like looking it up. Handball recess game. Yeah.

I know that this isn't great video podcasting material, but I just need you to see it. Yeah. No, I want to see it, dude. Show me some highlights right now. Look at this broad, dude. She's got a ball there. They're fucking...

Okay. She's got a boner? You're going like, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, this is a poor video. It was this. You're hitting it off the thing. This was my entire childhood.

What's the goal, though, not to get hit by it? No, no. So we're going to get back to that handball. You brought up an interesting point. I think that European handball, if I had grown up in Europe, I would play that professionally because it's the most tailored to my skills as an athlete. Baseball is what I was best at because I could fucking huck that thing. And then my other sport was ice hockey.

And handball is basically the flow of hockey, but you're scoring by throwing. And you can only take a few steps, right? A couple steps. You take flight. You get up there and just boom. I was nice with it we played a couple times in recess and i was fucking these hoes up fuck yeah dude i was sick at it i missed dodgeball man dodgeball was nice because i used to get like made fun of a lot so i could just take

it out yeah you know on those hoes it was kind of insane that they that p was like everybody all together because we'd play handball i remember this one time there's this very sweet lovely studious indian gal who was just not athleticism was not her strong suit right and me and my friend happened to be against her in dodgeball yeah and uh you know we're playing and my friend just uncorks a full fastball, and it just dots her square in the face. And we're like, you're out. She's like, I'm not out. That hit me in the face.

And before she can finish it, I just send one directly into her stomach. And we're like, no, you're out. And it's like, we shouldn't have even been in the same. We shouldn't have been playing together. You regret it, you think, if you could go back? You step between the lines. Yeah? You step between the lines. Yeah. You step between the lines with a competitor.

We're playing dodgeball. Yeah. Does she have any disabilities or anything? No, I'm sure she's wealthier than me. Without a doubt. She's very smart. I don't think you should regret that, man. That probably changed your life forever.

I don't regret it. If anything, it was like, hey, we're all good at something, m'lady. You go ahead and you keep crunching those numbers. Yeah. I'm going to stay on the court because you're not getting me out in dodgeball. Yeah. Dude, she probably owns like a Fortune 500 company because of you. Without a doubt.

She's thinking about that every day. And she's quite welcome, and I'm very happy for her. There's no animus. Again, this is just athleticism. I think Muhammad Ali felt bad about that. Do you? Because it's basically the same exact thing. I mean, even if he did, he probably just athleticism. I think Muhammad Ali felt bad about that. Do you? Because it's basically the same exact thing. I mean, even if he did, he probably doesn't remember.

That's right. Memory's a little shaky. Dude, this is my most depressing thought about life. It literally doesn't matter how good you do, how great you are, anything. In the end, there's always just some joke about how you fell off. Yeah. It's like, ah, you got parks.

Now, obviously good people don't view that as a, as a joke, but it's like, I even look at Michael Jordan. I'm like getting the alcoholic eyes. What's going on here? You know? Yeah. Michael's fucking weird, man. He's an odd duck.

You think about like the doc, obviously like the documentary was awesome. You're kind of like, obviously, like, the documentary. It was awesome. But you're kind of like, dude, how did this guy's dad die? You know what I mean? Like, was he really gambling? Did they say he just got clipped on the side of the road? I think he got murdered in a car. He, like, took a nap on the side of the road, basically, I think. He got murdered.

Yeah. And then he got murdered. I wasn't saying that the nap killed him. You're, like, very, like, he got. but i think he pulled over because he was tired or something and then he got glotted or something yeah and some people are like oh i think it's the the bookie damn yeah definitely ran in the family i mean that's why he was greatest because he was a fucking lunatic yeah everything he's done was right yeah the fact that he even dropped that documentary that they've been working on for years and it came out during covid when it was the only sporting event there will never be a documentary with that type of impact ever again

because we're never shutting down the world again and needing sports that bad that the entire sports industry could only talk about the last dance it was awesome yeah i think it was i mean dude i watched it like twice it's so good you know so good dude but it's also like i mean you play sports dude i don't think i've ever had a coach or like been around a good player like an actual good player who's like sane no they're not they're all fucking nuts dude they're nuts uh my a friend of my dad says something that i'll never forget and he said cause I was like playing sports and I had, you know, coaches and shit. And he was like, he goes, most coaches live in a state of suspended development. Yeah.

And I thought about that. And it's like, you think about it. These are people that started doing something when they were like 10. And then in like high school, college, that's when they like locked in, like who they were and then spent the rest of their life staying in that realm teaching people yeah you know and and just talking about what it means to be great you know like a lot of them are nuts what do you think the craziest coach you ever had was oh that's a good question because hockey coaches are fucking out there hockey coaches are but i played hockey in california and i played

like i didn't even do travel i did in-house because i was better at baseball yeah i had a i had a baseball coach who we did a we were on a trip together i think i was 12 and he got arrested in front of me uh for arguing with the cops because they we moved some cones to play flag football on the beach and then the cop like tried to ride him up and he was basically just like fuck you like you're not this is insane yeah and it just escalated now the cop was being an asshole but it gave you an idea of where that coach was at he went to jail no shirt no shoes board shorts yeah in front of us and like he just wouldn't back down and it was crazy yeah yeah i keep having like uh like dude i went golfing with my buddy and we're walking out

just shot like nine holes or whatever and i see one of like my old uh teachers who uh was a coach afterwards i didn't have him as a coach but he's like a teacher at my old high school that i went to and we're just like chatting it up he's like one of the coolest guys like one of the most down-to-earth dudes i've ever met in my life and i asked him about like an old football coach i had i'm like how's he doing man like is he because he was always kind of like tapped like fucking crazy and shit but he was such a good coach dude and he goes yeah man he got fired and i'm like why and he was like i guess he was sending like dick pics to chicks at school this is like a coach that i had dude that was like very good but it's like you always kind of knew he was kind of tapped in the head yeah would fucking like

chew you out dude like he's just fucking keyed up all the time it was like he he had to release he had to go home and commit some some sexual crimes yeah and then you hear that you're like you're talking high school high school dude oh no and he was like yeah man like some people said like he didn't do it but he ended up you know it's like i don't know man you know yeah i mean yeah i don't know the specifics of the case but uh there would be some hard evidence. Yeah, it's just crazy to have a coach like that, dude, where you're like, wow, I kind of look up to this guy. Like this guy. Yeah.

He starts working it into all the speeches. And he's like, you think you're a good guy? You come out here and work hard. And I know a bunch of you assholes are going home and you're sending dick pics to Sherry and Christy and Samantha. And you're waking up the next morning regretting it going. I shouldn't be sending dick pics to these girls. Well, you get back in here. You work your at your leg.

What do you mean? It's like the state championship speech, dude. They're all like tiny kings, you know, because they get to be the kings of their own domain. And a good coach is a great figure. Like some coaches who are like genuinely good people serve to actually guide young men in better ways that or girls in better ways that will change their lives. And that is awesome.

And then some people are just tiny little despot dictator, fucking lunatics. It goes back to the Indian chick, man. Like, yeah, it's almost like something happened when they were younger and they're just trying to get back at the world. That's right. Yeah, that's. Yeah, I guess. That's what I see when I see like a liberal, like a hardcore liberal.

Yeah. I'm like, this person got fucking torched when they were younger. Yeah. A lot of times. Probably pantsed. A lot of times. Yeah, it's true. A lot of times.

That's true. Yeah. And then you look at a hardcore conservative and you're like, this person needed to get that more. This should have happened to them. Something should have happened to you and somehow it didn't. And you're getting too loose. Yeah. But yeah, man, that was crazy.

I had another coach, dude, who fucking, I didn't have him, dude. He tried recruiting me for baseball. Yeah. And he, dude, so he coached, he was like a hitting coach at a division one baseball school yeah like a cop like a college and he was like nasty bro no joke i'm not even kidding he partied with the baseball kids drove through a townhouse garage garage got fired and then got a job at like some shitty d3 school oh yeah good guy though great guy i'm sure he was great he was one of the boys man only only person he ever hurt was a townhouse just a garage yeah dude come on let the boy live just a one car garage too dude you know that grind is crazy dude i have friends who've coached in like the college realm it's like to fucking you are not making that much money you have to move around all the time it's brutal it's not it's not that glamorous either yeah you think you could be a coach

i think i could yeah because my speeches would be fucking crazy dude for real oh my god they'd be awesome they'd be fucking awesome i would get real into the like philosophy of it and and just fire the boys up i'd also have great playlists i i'm a i have a sense of showmanship that would be unbelievable i would be like i'd be like finishing a speech be like do you hear something i'd be like yeah i started a playlist that started with 17 minutes of silence that is now going to lead into a crescendo as I lead the boys out to fucking battle right now. Oh, shit. The problem is that's a lot for baseball.

I just got goosebumps from you saying that. It would be sick. I imagine you wearing that, too. I would be wearing this. Yeah. Yeah, in the dugout. With cleats. Just holding an American flag.

Yeah, just, dude, yeah. And the boys, we would get it we'd come out we'd have smoke machines we'd have i'd be a great college coach because all the pageantry all the fucking bullshit that they have to do to get kids there 100 what would be your walkout song if you could have one if they're calling out names before the national anthem that's what i mean being a comedian i get to do that a lot it's really fun on the road you're the coach of a baseball team though and they're calling you out and you get a walkout song oh that's who that's such a good question i mean it's cliche but dude many men would just be

fucking crazy for a coach and just hitting the i'm not even that religious but i'd hit the cross you know what i mean and just just smoke machines, all that shit. Oh, fuck. You ever see Brian Robinson on the Redskins? He got shot and then he came out. He ran out of the field for his first game back to many men. It was the fucking dopest shit of all time. No, I thought you were going to say someone else.

Fucking what's his name? The safety who died in the war. And you don't get to walk out after you die. I know. Oh, Pat Tillman. Pat Tillman. That's what I was thinking Oh, Pat Tillman. Pat Tillman. That's what I was thinking about. Pat Tillman.

He went to, he's from my area. Leland High School is where he went. So the field there is Pat Tillman Field. Shit, man. Yeah, he's a legend. Wait, so this guy got shot and then he came back. He got shot and came back and played. And that actually leads us to this weekend in the NFL.

I'm a big Niners fan. Oh, yeah. Ricky Pearsall, our first round draft pick, got shot in the chest. Yeah. He's coming back this week. He's playing this week. Holy shit. And I think he'll probably come out to many men, which is why it was in my mind.

That would give me goosebumps, dude. But when I have a big show, a lot of times I'll walk out to You Used to Hold Me by Calvin Harris, which is just a straight EDM banger. I don't think I've ever heard that. Dude, would you like to? Yeah. Just a brief moment. Hold it up to the speaker.

Yeah, we'll do that. And then I'll play the handball training video directly into the speaker. I was listening to the fray on the way over here. Fray Fox, man. Dude, they're so fucking good. I had completely forgotten about them until last weekend. And then i've just been fraying my dick off yeah it's got that arena jam that you want right you can just have

that yeah i know this song yeah it's a banger we won't play the whole thing you walk out to that or the chorus i actually i'll walk out to this and if it's a long enough walk out it gets to where it needs to go yeah or i'll just do poland by lil yachty okay which is just it's just easy i kind of want to walk out to that song skrilla which one is this oh dude it's a let's do it bro let's let's we should just go the the rest of the podcast is one hour of us Playing 8 second clips Of songs that make us feel cool

We should get a producer with a subwoofer That would be sick You know this song? Yeah This is you I feel like that's you That song gets me going Yeah dude If I brought out a gun too and just started

like that would be that's a walkout dude that's my first firing a gun in the air and then just pointing at the crowd being like i'm just kidding putting holes in the ceiling dude it's my first walkout song holes in the ceiling is kind of a sick name for a track yeah or a porno yeah 100 that would be like the hardest glory hole of all time you have to compete with gravity oh yeah use one of those fucking uh you ever used a glory hole i've never had the opportunity man neither have i but apparently they're all over the place for real there's like maps and like you can find them secret let's talk to a gay gentleman about this he was like yeah they're like there are holes bro you need like a membership community i don't know i because that is that's a great point that you make i'd like i i not really my thing and i i can't do it

um but if i were allowed to do it i would want to do you'd want to be the part of like the equinox membership like you want to go to like the nice glory hole not the planet fitness you kind of have like an idea what's on the other side like you've heard some reddit stories and shit yeah exactly it's it's a good it's a good well google rated yeah i feel like that kind of takes away from all the feeling though i think so i feel like i would be going there to like feel something again to it yeah yeah but if you know what's on the other side it's like what's the point, man? Yeah. I'm just thinking about it right now.

This is like, I think this is, I definitely touched on a, on a piece of my homophobia because I don't think that I, I'm not a homophobic person, but if I was using a glory hole, I think the whole time I would be like, it better be a lady over there. Right. Like couldn't, can't be a felt, which is not the point of the glory hole. But for me, the whole time I'd be thinking, is it a dude? I'm going to be honest, man. I feel like I've had this talk before with another man.

Really? And they've said that, like, they would be able to tell if it was a man's hand or a woman's hand. And I'm like, I would have no clue. Oh, hand, sure. Mouth. Yeah, even hand, man, I'd be a little lost. Yeah. I've been with some chicks who have had, like, some hardcore callous on them, sure. Mouth. Yeah, even hand, man, I'd be a little lost. Yeah. I've been with some chicks who have had, like, some hardcore callous on them, dude.

Yeah, between a CrossFit chick and, like, an Asian male accountant. Or just a hardworking woman, you know? She's, like, doing blue-collar work. Just a blue-collar gal. Yeah. She's been out working the turbines or something. Yeah, rough hands, man. Yeah, that's tough.

That's tough, dude. You think you could live with the consequences of, like, another dude being on the other side if they got it on, like, a GoPro? Well, no, I don't think so. I think that would be a problem for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This might be the root of all the interesting things. I don't think that one really gets me going that much. Yeah, man.

I've been thinking about it a lot. What would get me going? Give me those goosebumps. What would fire you up? Pure, normal sex is pretty sweet. For real? Yeah. You never get tired of that?

No. I like putting my dick in a vagina is still a pretty sweet deal. Yeah. 33, and I'm like, I think this is going to work. Yeah, man, it's crazy that you're married, bro, because you just look like someone who would fucking scream, smell my fingers, dude, you know? Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, dude, yeah, I know. It is I don't give that energy but you know i'm a complex figure you can still be married though and still be for the boys right i'm quite so yeah arguably more so because if if you're not allowed to go out there if i was single i would spend a lot of time chasing tail i do believe yeah and since i'm not i spend a lot of time being for the boys. Yeah. Since I'm not out doing that, it's like, no, let's go get fucked up.

Let's go to a shitty bar. I don't want to wait in line. Let's go to a shitty bar and pound shots and watch the game. Yeah. Like that's my going out now. So I, I being married makes me infinitely more for the boys. Also,

she's cool and gets it. And she likes doing all that shit too. And so it works out, but I don't have some guys get the girl and then they're like, what are you just going to go like drink with your friends? And it's like, no, I'm going,

you're going, we're going, let's do it. Yeah. I mean, dude, you're giving me goosebumps right now, man.

Yeah. I'm firing you up. Yeah. Cause you're, you're a legend, dude. I think a lot of guys wouldn't say what you just said, man.

You don't think so? No homo, dude. It's just a lot of dudes are whipped, man. A lot of dudes suck okay and i and i've spent time blaming their significant others for this because sometimes you have a great dude and then they end up in a relationship and they just fucking they're they

become a disgrace and i've realized that it's not fair to blame the women sometimes she might just be awakening the pussy that that man has wanted to be. Yep. You know, a good relationship wants you to be happy and include you doing some time for the boys. Lost a lot of great men, dude. It's a disaster. It's an epidemic. It bums me out, dude.

So many great men have been lost, dude. Yeah. And you can just look at them and just be like, dude, who the fuck are you, man? I literally was thinking about this. I made a sketch you know pat samaha patty clips yeah yeah he he helped he helped film it but we made a sketch where i i dressed up like a lawyer and i did a fake law firm and it's all about for dudes who've lost their bros to a wife oh yeah exactly it's but this that was it was bothering me for like two years and I was like, I need to make a sketch

about this. Rock hard when I saw that. I was like, this is the best day ever. Yeah, dude. A lot of people needed that. That got sent around. That got moved around.

I sent that to at least 20 dudes. I hope it saved some homies, dude. All the dudes I lost, I sent that to. Yeah. Didn't get a response.

Of course they didn't. They're not allowed to. Fucking pussies, dude. The fucking wife probably saw it and they were like, don't you dare respond to that. Yeah. A real good man can love his wife and love the boys and a real good wife can love that both of those things are happening. Yeah.

That's what's supposed to happen. Your life should not shrink. Yeah. It's fucking bullshit, dude. Even being borderline gay, dude, like if you're about to hook up with a chick, but you're with one of your boys and you're like, I'm sorry, like I'm with one of my boys. I'm with one of the boys. Yeah.

Send me a pic. I'll crank when I get home after. Yeah. Just put that on layaway. Yeah. What happened to that? Yeah. I don't know.

That doesn't exist anymore. There's a lot of dudes been selling out. Yeah. I think this is why people initially went to war. That's why World War I happened is the boys were like, that's enough. Yeah. We need some time for ourselves. They dug a ditch, and they hung out.

Dude, that's how fucking college game day started. Yeah. A bunch of dudes retired. They were like, all right, I'm just going to hang out with my wife. Yeah. Lasted like three weeks. They're like, fuck this, dude. Let's go back to the alma mater.

They all come back, dude. It's crazy. Dude, college game day. I was watching college game day clips all the way here i was like this is one of the most uniquely interesting american things on planet earth it's the best dude it's so cool and they went to they went to cal berkeley did you see any of the like clips from that one no so cal berkeley is it's it's in the bay area where i grew up and it's known obviously for being a very liberal school and all this and they were like oh people aren't going to show up and all this and they fucking showed out they were there since midnight they're there at 6 a.m raging and it was like the most beautiful display yeah of just everyone getting fucked up and watching football

and making self-deprecating jokes. They were making jokes about how they're going to beat Miami and make them read gender ideology. Just making funny jokes. And I was like, this is what college game day is all about. This is what you live for, dude. It fired me up, dude. And I'm a hometown guy, so whenever I see the Bay do something good, it fucking bricks me. Were you ever a part of like a college game day?

No, I went to UC San Diego, which is not, they don't even have a football team. Yeah. I never got to experience it either, man. I get kind of jealous. I get very jealous. You know? I get very jealous. Especially when you see schools like Miami, do they have like a Bella Danger out there now?

I don't even know who that is, but I bet she's so hot it hurt my feelings. You don't know who a Bella Danger is, dude? No. The porn star? No. Are you spanking? I crank. Yeah. I crank, yeah. You crank, but you don't know who a Bella, dude. Yeah, I don't do the, I don't do the, I don't do the influencers, you know?

I like a normal. Dude, I feel like I should show you. I gotta show you. I would like to see, yeah. I'm not gonna show you her naked, dude, but I should show you. I got to show you. I would like to see. I'm not going to show you her naked, dude, but... You might as well. I'll take a peek. Yeah, I... But I had this like... That's a Belladandra, dude.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I guess she's an undergrad at Miami now. I think I've seen her on like a Barstool clip. You know how insane that would be to see her at a college game day, dude, at Miami, bro? Yeah, that'd be a lot. That'd be a lot.

There's probably so many drunk dudes who are just like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. But good for her getting her degree. Yeah. Well, hopefully she gets it, dude. I don't think she's there yet, but. Is she going to the school?

Yeah, I guess she's an it, dude. I don't think she's there yet, but. Is she going to the school? Yeah, I guess she's an undergrad, dude. Like, she's in classes, which is insane because she's filmed so many pornos in classrooms. Yeah, yeah. So all the dudes in her. Damn, dude, that's actually, that's not fair to the young men there who are just trying to learn. Yeah. How are you supposed to pay attention to some fucking professor when there's a girl that you have emptied your your case to multiple times in this exact scenario in this exact scenario that's all you're thinking about

this dude's talking about chemistry and your dick is pointing directly at the ceiling yeah i it was hard enough just going to college with normal college girls i'd be sitting i'd be sitting next to a hard six and i would just be like this this class is so boring. I don't want to fuck you so bad right now that I want to hang myself. Yeah, I'd be hard looking at fucking wizard chicks, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes there'll be one that isn't hot and you're like, yeah, I wonder what it'd be like.

There was a girl named Meredith in my class, dude. Yuck. Literally looked like she was in the Salem witch trials, dude. Like she had like curly hair, dude, and a big nose. Throw her in the tub, see if she floats. Bro, so one day I'm in class, I sat behind her. Yeah. She reaches in her bag, dude, and this fucking beetle flies out.

No! Flies out, dude. She is a witch. I'm talking about a flying beetle, dude. Yeah. Bro, I literally stood up. I was like, what the fuck? I'm like witch

burn her burn her dude the teacher saw like the beetle though yeah like completely understood where i was coming from yeah you're like everyone was like yeah i'm like dude i've seen planet earth bro never seen anything not doing moderately yeah that's fucking crazy it's a fucking demon dude yeah she's probably rolling around with some eye of newt without a doubt yeah she's got to be doing something wrong man because she was scary but it kind of got me going crazy dude even the name meredith like the parents doing that is just absolutely unreal yeah the name meredith dude is that's wild it's tough you can't be doing that she's gonna have to become a teacher right i think she's gonna have to become a fucking which palm reader yeah yeah 100%

but i so you went to college didn't have football no dude i gotta be honest i kind of liked it because i i played football for like a week i like played pop warner i got hit once someone put their like their the fucking their face mask on the bones of my hand and i was like i don't like this pain like i like hockey i like because you're hitting someone clean but like i also played pop warner and uh and i was like man i suck i wasn't getting any playing time and then that team went on to go to the pop warner super bowl so i was just getting wrecked by these like good kids anyway i didn't play football i was like baseball and hockey so i had an axe to grind against the football guys my whole high school i was like this fucking guy's not even cool the girl that i wanted dates wearing his jersey on friday like i would get heated about it so when

i went to a college that just had baseball i thought i was going to be a baseball player that didn't end up working out but i was like there won't be football guys this is great then i'm not an athlete anymore and i'm like i really wish we had a football team yeah my good buddy became the starting quarterback at vanderbilt so i'd go visit him and he's on like espn and we're walking through that at every frat party and i was like this is fucking college dude this is so different i've been there dude yeah for some reason i always get vanderbilt and purdue mixed up same Because Purdue's is like straight dudes, right? They have one in there. That's the reputation where it's like. Oh, yeah.

Well, it's the Boilermakers. But yeah, I know a girl who swam out there, but you know. Yeah, I never went to any... I played rugby, dude, so I was kind of around like... You do have a rugby bod. Yeah, and like they would fight the football players

at my school. Rugby dudes are nuts and had a huge axe to grind yeah dude they would like throw mattresses out of windows at parties and then like football kids would try to show up because the uh like the football team wasn't really that good and uh they would try to get in the party dude and the rugby kids would just beat the fucking shit out of them dude oh my god like that's that's how bad the football team was yeah you know and this is like club rugby dude this isn't like that's that's how bad the football team was yeah you know and this is like club rugby dude this isn't like ncaa regulated this is like doing this for fun like

you know if you get hurt like you're fucked yeah we had club rugby at my school too and i remember the dudes being incredibly toxic yeah yeah bad guys kind of yeah bad and good yeah um bma i like getting fucked up though which i appreciate yeah it's like a different level man a very insane level and then being like kind of physically aggressive which is where i was just like this a lot yeah you know how when you see really need to do that i've gotten like you see like to uh get in the head and you're like this guy is not going to be able to yeah know his own name in like a few years yeah that's unfortunate rugby takes that to like a different level dude you know we should do the guardian cap you think so yeah if he comes back if that motherfucker doesn't have that big old stupid

guardian cap on his head i'm actually going to be upset i mean dude jabril peppers was doing that and he just got accused of assault and really yeah dude you didn't hear about that no yeah dude he got like uh yeah you fucking i guess he assaulted i mean listen dude you know was he wearing the hat that's what i'm saying though yeah like he was wearing the guardian cap he was like i don't feel anything next thing you know dude he's assaulting people who did he assault just like a random person really i don't know the whole story man but he is on the uh he's on the commissioner's exemplist dude that's not great not ideal yeah and he's a he's a captain too so yeah i don't know about the whole guardian cap thing dude yeah we might be mixing scientific methodologies yeah

i mean it looks dumb as fuck but tua should not go go out there without it well maybe shouldn't go out there at all yeah i mean jabril was like yeah i don't feel anything so maybe that led to him just like thinking he's invincible just crowning he wanted to feel something yeah his head doesn't realize what's actually going yeah it's quite a funny thing how do you feel about them though do you feel like they're pretty like gay yeah yeah they're pretty good i do i despise how they look but if you're blaine don't feel so good like i also hate how it looks when to his head bounces off the turf so between the two things i'll probably go with he's probably gonna come back too dude you think so that's what they're saying i mean they are so bad without him. It's actually unbelievable.

Yeah, it's wild, dude. I thought he was like a mid-range quarterback, but I didn't realize how lost that team is without him. Yeah, just thinking about how much talent they have and how bad they still are, dude. Yeah. Once it gets cold, man, they're fucked. They are fucked. They're so fucked.

Yeah, their coach came out of the Niners org. Yeah, Mike McDaniels and Mike McDaniels. He, uh, who's your team? Patriots. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was born in Baltimore, dude. Uh, but I don't remember anything from there. And then I moved to like Rhode Island.

So I fucking lived through the Tom Brady dynasty, dude. Yeah. I'm not going to lie, man. Last week I was pretty close to being like you know what man fuck this like i'm gonna start rooting for the the ravens you can't though dude if you've been no you gotta stick with the whole point of being a fan is when your team sucks you kind of it's a natural life cycle it's like it's like seasons yeah and you just kind of go into your like you still wear you still have your all your patriots things and you take your time and then when they're good again you get to be louder and more excited about

it but you if you switch up you can't go back can't go back yeah the ravens are fucking sick right now though i went to i went to the ravens bill sunday night football game because i was at uh i was at the port comedy club that whole weekend fun little club in baltimore they fucked up the bills right they fucked the bills up dude lamar and the ravens in a night game when they wear those all blacks yeah and all the fucking it's a very halloween coded franchise like it's all very spooky and like yeah and i was at the tailgate and these guys are just like darkness falls you know if you ain't wearing black in my city get the fuck out and i was like oh my god darkness has fallen everyone was screaming that i was like this is awesome dude yeah it was intimidating in a very cool way holy fuck i never i didn't

even know that yeah you're not a ravens fan i know i couldn't do it man no you can't you can't i'm a niners fan through and through when they suck i'm a niners fan when they're good i'm a niners fan you know yeah so what you got to do yeah i feel that i didn't go i didn't go towards the raven like i didn't choose them yet but it just sucks man you know like you live through tom brady and then you fucking have like five years of just like but you have so i'm also a san jose sharks fan and they have have had all these high draft picks in the recent years because they've sucked. And now you get low stakes viewing. Now you have tomorrow, you get to watch Drake May. Yeah.

And you get to go, I don't necessarily care if we win or lose. You're watching like a scout. Yeah. You get to just go, oh, you look pretty good today. There's a bright spot. And then you're going to be very well informed whenever they're good again. You're going to have scouted the whole team. Yeah.

Just got to keep holding on, man. Just got to keep hanging on. Yeah, do we get phone calls if you don't mind? Yeah, let's take a call. All right, let's see what we got, dude. Sorry, man, I was jamming out before this yeah no i get it listen to the eagles dude oh that's nice i haven't i haven't like personally thrown that on in a while but i bet that was a nice time yeah dude i was i told you i was doing the fray but both of us were in the past and it felt great dude the fray fucks man oh it's so good one time i was giving this

dude a ride yeah and i didn't really know him that well and uh i just like turned my car on and the fray was playing because i was listening to it yeah and uh dude for some reason i look up where like a four-way intersection at a stop and the fray just starts blasting dude and i'm like yo dude should i peel out right now how did he react to that dude he was so lost okay because i would have been like yeah everyone knows i'm in my dude the fray fuck dude you know what i've been listening to is uh did you uh watch the hillary duff movie when you were uh growing up i watched a lot of lizzie mcguire yeah i mean have you seen hillary duff's have you listened to her like any of her albums dude

i believe so dude for some reason like spotify recommended that yeah last night dude dude i what give me a give me a song bro yeah can we do like eight seconds of a one more tune here this is the one that got me. Dude, I was seconds away from jumping up and down on my bed. Yeah, you have to. You got another song. Yeah. Do you know this song?

No, but I'm in. Yeah. Makes me want to call my crush on a corded phone. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah. Dude. Yeah, dude.

That's a banger, dude. People don't talk enough about Hilary Duff. That is a fucking hot track. And whenever someone gets famous and they're not actually like a musician and everyone's like, oh, it's not like art. There are people in Hollywood whose entire job it is to make high quality pop bangers and just give them to whoever's famous. So we actually have our baseline, even though it's commercialized, is good tunes. Yeah, dude. It's all there.

Dude, I was listening to that last night, dude, eating a fucking Halo top in my car, bro, with gummy bears. I was about to start fucking jerking off, dude. Yeah, 100%, dude. Open parking lot, dude. Yeah, flip that Halo top upside down and just have a low-calorie crank.

Song's a banger, dude. That's great. You got me. I'm going to definitely fire that up in my uber to whatever fucking dude i'm going to yeah i'd fucking max out the calf raises to that song yeah 100 i i yeah calves are a problem i tore my achilles oh for real yeah twice no way dude yeah played pickleball one time shit snapped you tore your Achilles playing pickleball? Yeah. It's not ideal.

It's one of my least good facts. Well, this whole thing. I fucking broke my left ankle the year before, so I'm in this fucking boot. I get out of the boot. I'm back. I'm healthy. I'm running. I'm jumping.

I'm doing all my training shit. I'm at a company. I still had a day job. We go to this company event. They're like, we're going to play pickleball. So i i we go to this company event they're like we're gonna play pickleball so you have all your workout stuff then they go we're not gonna play pickleball it's been raining fine so we just go we're drinking we're boozing pretty hard and they're like fuck it let's play some pickleball i'm in vans i'm in jeans i'm like who cares i get out

there i start playing and i realize this sport was built for me it's like handball almost because i'm a ping pong you know know, I'm an athlete. I'm twitchy. But I'm nicer at ping pong than tennis. Pickleball, you're hitting it. It's just like ping pong. We're talking about like a constrained environment. Like you're not moving a lot.

You are. You're running around. And I love it. Small space though? Small space, but it's a lot of back and forth. It's very explosive, right? And I'm fucking people up, dude. I'm just like 8-0 no we start playing the ceo we

fall down like six to one i'm like i'm not fucking losing come all the way back we're up we're about to beat him i'm fired up i just go to get one one shot and i just it felt like my uh felt like the guy was playing with whacked me with his paddle and so i fall down and i go i turn around like bro you just hit me with your fucking paddle and he's holding his paddle standing 20 yards away and i'm just like that is not good shit and you're like kind of buzzed lightly buzzed yeah i i get off i'm limping off this girl from the company comes up she's like oh my god do you want a lemon drop i'm like uh i don't i don't know if i want to drink right now so yeah i went i go to the emergency care and they're like yeah i was like i think i might have torn my achilles and like

yeah you probably did here's a boot and i'm like anything else crutches whatever they're like now you're fine just you whenever you go back home go to your doctor in California and figure it out. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I went back and partied the rest of the night. Yeah. Put in a 3 a.m. shift. Woke up, hung over with a torn Achilles. That's like a nightmare injury, though. Yeah.

And then I got out of it. And I went to spring training, watched some baseball. And I had just been out of the boot walking around. They were like, bring the boot. I'm like, I don't need it. I'll be good. And then we were out there getting pretty loose one night, and I promptly re-tore it. Oh, man.

It's a little back-to-back tear. So we're bouncing back on the calf raises. That's kind of funny, though, dude. I'm going to be honest. It's pretty hilarious. Pickleball, dude. And I finished the party both times. So, you know.

As long as you fucking rally, dude. I'm not going to. Look, dude. And I finished the party both times. Yeah. So, you know. As long as you fucking rallied, dude. I'm not going to. Look, it sucks that I tore my Achilles. Yeah. And that is unfortunate. But what am I going to do? Ruin the fucking night? Yeah, exactly, dude.

I don't understand people who ruin the night. Yeah, it's like, dude, fucking throw some dirt on it, man. Let's have some fun, dude. Yeah, that happened to me in a men's softball league. Yeah. First year playing men's softball, dude. I had like eight Miller Lights. Yeah. So I'm feeling dangerous. Yeah, that happened to me in a men's softball league. Yeah. First year playing men's softball, dude. I had like eight Miller Lights. Yeah.

So I'm feeling dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm playing third base. Power hitter. No joke, dude. I hit a home run, a triple, a double. Yeah. And I'm about to go for the cycle, dude.

No joke. I'm playing third base. Pretty buzzed, right? Feeling dangerous. This kid hits a routine pop fly fly i don't even have to move at third base dude the short stop is like blackout drunk start sprinting towards the ball falls into my knee oh my god I fucking tore my MCL, bro. And I was just, like, so confused because I was like, dude, I didn't even have to move.

You know what I mean? I didn't think I'd have to, like, call it off. Right. You know, be like, dude, I got this. And the problem is the shortstop is the captain of the infield. Technically, that's, you know, if he calls it, it is his ball. But that is insane. The worst part was everyone started laughing their asses off.

Yeah, I mean, it is hilarious. And I was on the ground like, fuck. You're like, I'm actually fucked. You're lying there and you're like, this is affecting my next nine months is what's happening. I feel like it's just, and that's the thing. I love playing sports and shit, but it's like, I don't know. I work out. I'm very active, but I'm like, I don't know if I can take the risk because the lower body

injuries. There's too many fucking retards out there. There's too many idiots, and the lower body injuries, they fuck up your year. It happened to me two years in a row. Yeah, man. I'm scared. I play basketball and shit every once in a while. That's high impact.

When I'm out there, that's all I'm thinking about. You can't think that way. If I throw one spin move, dude, it could be over. I kind of want to bring back ice hockey, though, which I know you can get hurt doing. But it also feels like that. Ice hockey or pond hockey? I was shredding pond hockey for a while.

Really? I grew up in California, so that's so quaint. Yeah, you bring out like a 30 rack on the ice and just get after it that sounds unbelievable and i want to do that dude it was those were some of the best years of my life yeah they would uh they'd have like a fire department where i'm from yeah uh they would go to like this baseball field and just flood it so it was like an entire fucking that is awesome and then they would take they would keep the lights on at night, dude. So you could just show up with like a 30 rack with the boys.

Night puck with the fellas. Dude, bring a speaker, man. 30 rack, bro. I need that in my life. Like that, you just described to me the perfect evening. Dude, just go to like, dude, I'll fucking bring you, bro. I will go. We'll take a fucking train there.

Let's go, dude. Where are you going tonight? We're playing pond puck and i'm gonna get hammered they'll keep the lights on you can stay out till like two in the morning you said rhode island yeah is there a club there the comedy connection yeah i'm doing that oh for real i hope it's in winter yeah we'll be able to play the place i'm talking about it's probably like 15 minutes from there okay fuck i it might be in january i gotta look i don talking about it's probably like 15 minutes from there okay fuck i it might be in january i gotta look i don't know it's not it's not posted yet i gotta see what the deal is

but you're in rhode island anytime in the winter bro just go to any pond okay this is gonna happen yeah fuck yeah i got fucking hit in the face though dude that's why i stopped playing that's the thing i might cage up i might i mean i have a helmet i have all this gear at home you can't cage up dude it's pretty whack you'll get fucking I have all this gear at home. You can't cage up, dude. It's pretty whack. You'll get fucking, we'll get shot, dude. Yeah, it's fair. That is fair.

They're right. They'd be right to do it. I was stoned. So it's just basically beanie, gloves, stick, and skates? I would rock the gloves, stick. Obviously, you got your fucking skates. What else did I bring? That's really it, man.

You play with a normal regulation puck yeah this was years ago because i'm gonna say a regulation frozen puck if that hits you in the shin and you don't have your shin pads on you are fucking cooked oh yeah dude you're taking chances out there yeah dude i was fucking high as tits this was like in like college or whatever yeah i'm playing i'm like not i'm obviously not i think i've never played hockey dude so i'm not good but i can like hold my own so i'm like with this fat kid we're both high yeah middle of the game we're like scooping each other's tits yeah dude yeah dude so i go to scoop his tit yeah like i i think i double scooped him dude yeah and i fell off balance the double would do that yeah dude so i'm falling to the ground as this kid's ripping a

slap shot dude fucking nails me in the eye oh my i don't know you can probably see it but i have like a fucking bald spot yeah yeah jesus christ i had to go to the er and get like stitches and shit i mean i couldn't feel anything i was high as tits dude yeah yeah that's nice you know there was like blood everywhere the kid who hit me started crying yeah stop making it about you gary that's insane yeah but that's when i stopped playing man but i would run it back happily yeah i think so if i'm there in the winter we'll have to get out on the ice you gotta get prep though you gotta like get the skate sharpened dude you gotta get pucks man i don't even have to go to hans from mighty ducks yeah i'd have to get a stick dude you know but i would gladly give me pretty sweet though dude and also if i'm

out there like there's also the the off chance that i bring up pond hockey at the first show and then someone is like oh i got all the gear you know yeah but then you know that person could be a lunatic but you know tbd providence might be tough you go more up north for sure they're playing it non-stop yeah um yeah it would just suck man if you played with a bunch of like high school or college kids and they just didn't pass it there's always that one kid who was like all state who's just like toe dragging kids and shit and it's like bro come on just let me touch it once yeah honestly i don't even need to play an organized game i can get out there with a puck and a net and just... That's all you need, man.

Just some tunes and just fire shots. That would be pretty exhilarating for me. Dude, bring a speaker out there. Yeah, that's what I need. Dude, listen to the fray, dude. Yeah. Rip some slap shots. It's good winter music, dude.

Fall, winter, the fray. Nothing like it, man. You found me. Should we listen to some calls? Or do some calls, rather? Totally forgot. Should we listen to some calls? Or do some calls, rather?

Totally forgot. This could be... Some of these are too retarded to answer, so we'll just have to go. That's fine. See what we got. Hey, John. Dreed here. Long time, first time.

Just got a question. Wondering how you would handle this situation. I got a Spanish queen that does not speak any English, but she wants to hang out with me, and I really don't know what to do. She's texting me. I copy and paste, put it in, translate. She wants me. You get what I'm saying? I don't know if it's...

I know, but I don't know if it's I know But I don't know You get what I'm saying John I mean this woman does not speak English I got the hiccups right now I mean what are we doing John I need help Even if you don't respond

In the podcast please send me a text Or a call I really would like to hear from you Alright I got the hiccups sorry I got the hiccups this Spanish please send me a text or call. I really would like to hear from you. All right. Goodbye. I got a hiccup. Sorry. I got the hiccups. This Spanish mama seat has got a hold on me.

Bro, this guy's like the turtle from fucking finding. Yeah. I was thinking about the, the words per minute gap between him and his Spanish queen has got to be unbelievable. Watching them talk would be insane. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's, it's a tough one. Cause the one hand, you got to go, does she have an ulterior motive? Yeah. If not, then I think you're probably not going to marry this person you can't speak to, but I would make love to them. Yeah, you're right, man. It's tough. This guy's living my dream currently, dude, because that's kind of what I want. Yeah. Just to be confused all the time.

Yeah. Around a woman. Yeah. You know, primarily because I got my hair cut from a Venezuelan woman and she spoke like three words of English, dude. But it was like one of the best experiences of my life, dude. Because she wasn't like bothering me with like generic shit the whole time. Right. She was just hooking me up with a cut. And she speaks to you on a need to speak basis yeah she

speaks when she needs to yeah and she was pretty hot too yeah i was gonna say that's a nice little consequences could be us having like seven kids together that is in play you know yeah i think that you've hit on something very important here which which is it's a fertile group. Yeah. And you do have to be very careful of that. Very fertile, dude. Yeah. It's tough. You can get them pregnant just by looking at them. 100%, dude.

Yeah. So he's got to be careful of that. But, you know, it's probably good for your brain. Like, he doesn't have to download Duolingo. He's probably going to pick up some Espanol. Yeah. It's one of the faster growing uh languages in the world yeah um i think he should i think he should pursue it but wrap it up significantly

yeah i agree dude yeah yeah as long as he's wrapping it up because even if he does rosetta stone dude they have a different way some people might speak spanish like so fast like even if you know rosetta stone you're not gonna catch up on it you know what i'm saying see so like he has to experience that firsthand what it's like yeah you know it's he sounds pretty into it though yeah i mean dude the he's got to speed up a little bit though dude yeah just to meet her even just from like a patient perspective yeah she might even get pissed off if he's gonna talk that slow slow I mean I would be fucking pissed It does sound pretty caliente A little poppy Like that

Sounds like Vicariously through the collar It sounds like a nice time I got boys man with Hispanic women And they say dude the The sex man that keeps it Yeah I was going to say don't let Long term though if you're actually

thinking about spending time with this person, don't let the craziness of the sex overshadow everything else, because we don't know enough about her to say, but let's say she's one of these people we were talking about who is controlling, who you lose one of the boys to.

No one else in your life cares that you're having good sex. That's just for you, and it's very is controlling, who you lose one of the boys to, you know, no one else in your life cares that you're having good sex. That's just for you. And it's very important and it's very big. But if all the other effects that you're getting from this person are negative, people are only going to see that. And the boys are going to be talking.

They're going to be like, look, don't throw it all away over one nice little piece of puss. Yeah. There's a lot out there. But if she's a nice, lovely lady and the sex is good, learn Spanish, my guy. That's why we're losing boys, though. We're losing them to tits.

We are. And that can't override the brotherhood. It can't. It can't. Share pics with the boys? Of course. But short of that, your personal sexual gain cannot cannot override what we all need as a group yeah he's gonna find a latina who's for the boys and then he's good

see all right man we will uh we'll wrap this up dude appreciate you for coming man absolutely thanks for having me man it's good to meet you dude you have any uh anything you want to shout out dude for the people yes absolutely uh i've got a podcast called the joey show podcast available everywhere um on my youtube i instagram tiktok it's joey avery i post clips all the time and uh i'm on the road joey every.com slash live tons of great shows coming up uh thanks for having me man dude thank you for coming bro i'll throw this up on the uh the patreon nice and early for the people dude yeah and uh yeah man it was good to meet you bro cool nice to meet you