The Johnny Salami Podcast - John Kennedy

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

John Kennedy by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. You know how to use a mic, right? Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Dude, I got these. I just got these shorts. Not these. I got these from Walmart. Dude, I thought it would I just got these shorts. Not these, I got these from Walmart. Dude, I thought it would be cool to get shorts from, you've heard of Boohoo, man? No. Oh, dude, it's like, it's just like this site with like pretty, it's supposed to be like cheap, like affordable clothing, kind of like Walmart. But it's more like hip, dude.

And I got these, I got these shorts, dude. And they're like black short shorts and then uh dude it says different like right in the crotch area but it's in like white spray paint dude so it just looks like it's like legit cum it's bad dude wait did you see that when you first got them yeah i thought it looked sick and then you got them and you still think it looks they were like seven bucks but i i found out what they do dude is like the shorts are like seven bucks and the shipping and handling is like 45 bucks oh dude so that's how they get you yeah yeah that's uh uh what fabletics is that the one that kevin hart did yeah yeah i

remember that i i had to call my bank because i just saw they were like charging my car like 70 bucks a month and i was like hey i didn't i didn't pay for this and they're like all right we'll look into it yeah and the charges were wiped oh yeah i could yeah you can tell right by the commercial they're like i think they put on the bottom. They're like, you're going to lose all your fucking money after this. Really? Yeah. They put that in there? I think that's what it says, word for word.

I guess I didn't look close. Oh, yeah. Fuck those sites, man. Yeah, I was like, I lost $300. Yeah. And then I called out. And then I was like, I didn't even get anything from there. They just somehow got my stuff.

Oh, that sucks, man. I basically got refunded for the pants that I bought, too. Oh, dude, that's like when you go to the gym and you have to cancel that membership. Oh, dude. Those are the worst, man. Dude, I'm still, the debt collector keeps calling me because I canceled my card. Yeah. And I just haven haven't they keep calling

they're like hey you owe us 150 and i'm like no i don't i'm not going there anymore and they're like well you got to pay it i'm like i don't go i'm not gonna go yeah i just never go there yeah i just i i'm just fine with how i look yeah dude i uh i had to like threaten some dude's life once he like wouldn't cancel my membership At like a CrossFit gym I did CrossFit for like two weeks And then I kind of got a sense of like What the vibe was there And I was like I can't

I can't do this anymore And they had like a strict like termination policy And I was like dude If you don't cancel my membership I will drive through this fucking place dude It was like right on the main road There was like a ramp and everything dude I could easily drive through this fucking place, dude. It was like right on the main road. There was like a ramp and everything, dude. I could easily drive through that place, dude.

You know what I'm saying? What did he say? He canceled it, man. I think he believed me, dude. He didn't call anyone? No. I didn't actually say that, but I was thinking in my head. Oh, wait.

What did you say then? I was like, hey, man. Please. Please. I can't afford this fucking shit. It's like $150 a month, dude, and you're doing fucking deadlifts. Jesus Christ, $150 a month? Yeah, dude, for CrossFit, too.

Holy shit. Yeah. You can just move shit in your house. Yeah, I'm just fucking walking on my fucking hands while there's chicks with camel toes around me. It's like, what the fuck am I doing? just gotta go to lincoln central park yeah take the drive yeah you just gotta go to union square yeah better off just playing like tag or something you know yeah crossfit dude have you seen those chicks yes yeah they're buff would you matt would you mac that dude no yeah me neither i don't think i i mean i think i would but i know you mac that dude no yeah i mean either i don't think i

i mean i think i would but i know you wouldn't you know what i'm saying just based off of like how we've how we've spoken so far i feel like you have higher standards than that well i i also just have a girlfriend oh really yeah like if you didn't have a girlfriend that would be crazy man if you cheated on your girlfriend with like a like a crossfit chick yeah with a legit man dude some people still uh think they're like not on steroids crossfit people yeah like the chicks are they on steroids dude have you seen pictures of them i mean maybe it's like a dude they have like traps the size of like my ass cheeks it's insane they have like veins coming out it's wild especially if you look at like what

crossfit chicks used to look like like five years ago i actually knew one lady that did crossfit she was pretty buff but i don't remember seeing her traps. Yeah. I just meant, like, the CrossFit Games athletes, like the professional ones. Like, dude, those camel toes are on, like, another fucking level. Dude. She's grabbing it. Yeah, dude. Some of them might be fucking dudes, too. You know what I mean?

It's kind of hard to tell. Yeah. That would be crazy, dude, if, like, one of, like, their dicks popped out. You know what I mean? Yeah, that'd be nuts. Yeah, that'd be fucking crazy. Yeah, my bad, dude. I'm just imagining.

Did you ever watch the World's Strongest Man competitions? Yeah, yeah. Those were sick. You do seem like you loved it. You seem like you bet on it. I think I spanked to that, dude. You do seem like you bet money on it. You seem like you bet on it. I think I spanked to that, dude. You do seem like you bet money on it. I've seen it a few times.

I feel like it's on national TV. Yeah, it's on ESPN. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think anyone watches that, though. Something like... Which is dumb because it's clearly the coolest thing anyone can do in life. Yeah. Pulling a bus.

Yeah, just like thinking about how strong those dudes are. Like trying not to get hard. It's like all it is really. So when you're watching it, you're like, I'm not gay, dude. You know? That's all. Yeah, that's all I think when I watch it. When I see a guy pulling a bus, I'm like, I don't even want to fuck him.

Yeah, dude. Just eating, like, fucking Tostitos chips. Yeah. Just telling whoever I'm around that I'm not gay, like, randomly. Yeah. That's all it is, man. Just people at the bar. Yeah.

A lot of those dudes have, like, pretty hot girlfriends, too. That would be cool. I'd imagine, yeah. They're pretty. Yeah, just, like, having, like, a small girlfriend when you're like a legit mountain lion. You know what I'm saying? What was that dude from Game of Thrones? Yeah, the Thor dude.

That big beast guy. Yeah. And then his girlfriend is like a 5'2 gymnast. Yeah, dude. They're always hanging out. Yeah, I've seen that a few times yeah that's just fucking beautiful man to see his face is like

fucking sideways too yeah that's fucked up dude I think what do you have like a stroke or something I don't know I guess I haven't really looked at his face I think he had a stroke that's why his face is like...

Fuck. Well, at least he's big. That guy would literally fucking kill me, dude. Yeah. He's a... What do you think that's like? Them having sex? I don't know, man.

He probably has like a pretty... He might have like a normal-sized dick. But like... That would be pretty wild. Compared to his body, dude. If he just had a normal size penis and he's that big. Even if he had like a six inch piece, dude, it would look like an inch. You could have like...

Because of his body. Like his body is so big. It's like if you just saw him in the woods or something naked, there's no way you'd be able to keep a straight face, dude. He's just had. Yeah. Yeah, I'd probably be laughing if i saw him naked in the woods if you saw that dude naked in the woods like chopping down a tree with the axe you were like walking like just trying to like get away from like life

i just happen to see him completely naked yeah i would immediately start laughing i'd have to like run away dude for sure yeah if he was like a regular guy though i would just be like dude what the fuck man you know what i mean he was just like your average joe just like working in the office yeah it would be like cubicle like. Yeah, it would be like. In a cubicle, like Mr. Incredible. Yeah, it'd be like when you go to the gym, dude, and you see those pieces. You're just like, dude, what? Like, you'd think he would laugh. You know what I mean?

Because they're so small. But like, nah, dude, when you get in there, you're like, what the fuck, man? Like in the locker room? Yeah, like dudes are like showing you their sphincter and stuff. And you're just like, dude, I've had a long day, man. Like, I don't want to fucking see this right now you know like that's how it happens when you yeah if you go to like a racquetball club or any sort of like um what do they call that fucking cult you know what i mean like yeah they're all like uh yeah they're all just like rich white dudes

they're just showing each other their sphincter yeah i've seen dudes literally they're all just like rich white dudes they're just showing each other their sphincter yeah i've seen dudes literally they're just like fully naked and they'll take out like bags of powder and they'll start like jerking off with the powder like while they're talking to you about like oil prices it's fucking insane i've seen this dude literally smack his dick with powder look another dude in the eye talking about like legitimate like like the economy he just smacked it yeah he's like fuck inflation's crazy there's like powder everywhere why did he yeah was it like a like a rash or something or no did they all just like use powder for some reason might be an old school i don't mean i've never used powder have you like like rock climbing powder uh i mean that would be sick like a baseball rosin bag when you like step off the mound just like grab your

dick i think it's more like a gold bond i don't know how would that compare to like uh rosin i don't know i feel like if you put a rosin bag on your nuts, you might fucking... It would heal something. Yeah, I think you'd be a legend, dude. That'd be sick. A pitcher, like, in a game. Yeah, just like Matt Harvey, just, like, throwing, like, rosin on his nuts. They always show that, too. Like, they show the pitcher, when the game's about to start, like, playing around with the rosin.

Yeah, they're always jiggling it. A pitcher, like, really needs to start like playing around with the rosin yeah they're always really needs to put it on his nuts one day yeah i think it'll uh it'll calm them down yeah i mean you just be handed down for like generations yeah and if you like keep doing that then that's just like muscle memory you're just gonna keep doing it yeah you're gonna like start a movement yeah kids because they're just gonna be fucking the rosin bag yeah dude dude we were at uh me and janie were playing basketball yesterday and they're like they were like these middle schoolers there and they were all balling and then we look over at like the park bench and there was like they were probably i mean these, these kids, they were, like, fifth grade. Yeah.

There was just this, like, little chubby Mexican kid sitting on the bench. And there was this little black girl, and she was just, like, rubbing on him. What? And then he, like, stood up, and he, like, lifted her legs and started like humping her like missionary what yeah like a public in a public place these two kids just started like dry humping jesus dude was he like hard i don't know damn dude probably yeah that's insane dude i mean i can't even i'm thinking about what i did in fifth grade. I didn't even talk to girls. Yeah, dude. Nevermind hump a chick. I mean, dude, I've sat on like a few sprinklers here and there, dude, but I've never fucking humped anyone. You know what I'm saying?

In general? Yeah. I know some dudes who would like, uh, I don't know if you ever did this. Are you like a, are you a virgin? Yeah, dude. I've never even spoken to a woman. No, dude. Have you ever... What is it? When people were in middle school, like, do you have any boys? Or did you ever do this? They call it the cobra.

It's where you, like, hump your pillow, and then you get into, like, a cobra stance, and you just fucking blow one out. What? What the fuck? What are you talking about? I don't know, dude. I heard it on the streets. How does a cobra stance? You ever do, like, the cobra stretch?

No. Really? Oh, it's when you're lying on your stomach, and you push yourself up, dude. Oh, like the downward dog? Or no, like the, like, it's like a yoga move. It would be, like, like the like the downward dog or no like the like it's like a yoga move it would be like the opposite of a downward yeah yeah like yeah yeah i never did this i heard this uh from like on the streets some dudes used to like they would pop pop some fucking you know pop off in that position there they even be touching their cock

that would like uh that would be like their position of choice really whereas like i would be just like jerking off on like a computer chair on like a dell system you know what i mean yeah so what were we talking about again oh yeah the mexican kid did you guys say anything you're just like bawling out no no i yeah what going to, I don't know him. Yeah. And he was, like, a kid, so I'm, like, I'm, like, I guess that's just what kids do now. Yeah. Damn, I wonder if that's, like, the next time.

And it was, like, they were, like, other guys there. So her legs were, like, open? Dude, he, like, he, like, lifted her while she was on him. And we were watching, and we were. We were like, what the fuck? And he lifted her, set her on the bench, lifted her legs, and then just started like. Just dry humping? Just dry humping. Until he was like.

And he was sweaty because he was like this little chubby kid. Yeah, dude. And someone pinched his nipple. And he went, ow, stop, please, please. And then she was still all over him like he he cried when someone pinched his nipple and he just had this yeah it's crazy that he's like a fat mexican kid like getting it i know just like this little chubby like everything that stereotypical dork besides like the mexican part yeah he's just like this short little chubby kid yeah you almost want to be like proud of him dude i am yeah but you can't be too proud or else it's

kind of weird yeah i think dudes like that man like they're just so fat and like they got nothing to lose you know what i mean so i've been there before dude like you get that one opportunity dude you're just like let's fucking rip it dude dude he was very confident really yeah yeah you could tell in his face i was super fat when i was in fifth grade yeah and i just know that dude if i ever got that opportunity man like i would i would take advantage of it you know what i'm saying like you only see you're ready to go in yeah dude you gotta be ready for that opportunity man you know realistically i was never ready for that even dude even dancing you ever go to like a school dance and like some chicks like grinding on you you're like i don't know no one ever grinded on me really yeah so this you you grew up in north dakota for how long uh basically high school i

grew i'm from like minnesota went to high school and college in North Dakota. So you're like a nice dude, man. What do you mean? Like just like based off of like where you're from. Like you've been around like some pretty nice people. Yeah, I guess. It's pretty sick, man. It's pretty, it's like a community.

Yeah. It's pretty cheap. You have like feelings and shit, man. Yeah. It's crazy, dude. No one has them here, man. Yeah, I've noticed, dude. Fucking hurts.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, this place sucks. Fucking sucks here, man. Yeah. I've noticed, dude. Fucking hurts. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, this place sucks. Fucking sucks here, man. Fuck this place, dude. I kind of like where, you know, coming up here, I was like, how the fuck do you live out here? Like, this is so damn far.

I'm like getting on the train, another train, waiting for the bus, gotta get an Uber. Yeah. I was like, goddammit, man. And then I get here and I'm like, oh, this feels like a place to live yeah for sure bushwick feels like a place to live now like a young but this feels like a place to settle yeah bushwick just feels like they loaded up like a bunch of buses with like mentally challenged people and just gave them spray paint they were like yo dude go get them you know what i'm saying every time i go there like everything's tagged i do i do get what you're saying

but i've been there twice man i don't think i'm ever going back yeah it's very crazy out there dude everyone always thinks they're right oh really yeah i mean everyone's like this is how you live life this is the correct way yeah and if you're like nah they're right, well, we're not talking to you. Yeah. It's like, all right. Yeah, but I feel like you probably lived in like, I mean, just living in Minnesota and North Dakota, dude. Like, you were probably there for so long.

You can kind of like relate back to that. Yeah. Because you've experienced what it's like to actually like be around normal people yes yeah because here i mean this place has definitely changed me yeah for the worse really morally how so i uh care less about people because there's so many here. So many, yeah. So many just don't care as much. Yeah. I care less about...

That's pretty much it. Yeah. I feel the same way, man. I'm going to be honest, dude. Fuck, man. If something... If, like, an oil rig blew up or something... I know there's, like, no oil rigs around here.

There is in North Dakota. Really? A lot of them north dakota is like big dude in north dakota oil's so big there there's like tycoons they're like guys with like like really like billionaires yeah they'll go if they want to build like a pipeline in like minot north dakota they want to build a pipeline and it happens to go under house, they'll go to your front door and say, hey, if you move out, we'll give you $25 million. What? Holy shit. Because the money from the oil is, like, so much more. Damn, I didn't even know they had oil in North Dakota, dude. I thought all the oil was in, like, the Middle East.

Where does the pipeline run through? It goes through North Dakota. Really? Yeah. Shit. Remember that big pipeline thing that was a big deal for, like, Native American people? Yeah. That was, like, in North Dakota. Really? Yeah. Shit. Remember that big pipeline thing that was a big deal for Native American people? Yeah. That was in North Dakota.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Damn. So what did you do out there? Well, I lived in Fargo, which was the biggest place there. So that's where septum piercings are and people with blue hair. Really? I've never heard legit anything about north dakota in my whole

life yeah i mean the population of all north dakota is like seven to eight hundred thousand people okay which is like massive the whole state yeah yeah i mean i've done shows in places there where the population is like 60 people and it's just yeah everyone knows each other shit after a show you just go outside you're like what's the move and it's just yeah everyone knows each other shit after a show you just go outside you're like what's the move and everyone's just like in a circle yeah everyone's smoking oh really you're like did you did you hear the owner of auto power companies in town fuck man another guy's like no way yeah and then i'm like all right i'm gonna head out i'm gonna go back to the one motel that's what rhode island like dude Rhode Island? what's the population there?

you guys are small as hell I mean it's not like rural or anything you know there are like I guess rural parts but yeah I wouldn't even be able to I barely know how to like read so I wouldn't know the population but yeah dude like everyone knows

each other you know and it's just like there's nothing to do yeah even if you like reach out to people you're like dude what's the move tonight they're like i'm just chilling man you know and you're like all right i mean that's cool like you're reaching out to like your childhood best friends you're like dude you know maybe we can go out have a good time and they're just like nah man i man, I'm good. Really? Yeah, it's pretty sad. You guys don't drink there? People do, but it's not like here. Here is more like Project X.

You know, people go out and, like, it's very wild. Yeah, they drink with a purpose. With a purpose. In North Dakota, everyone just drinks to drink because that's all there is to do. That's what Rhode Island's like. People go out, they drink to, like, put a picture up, you know, and then they just go home. They're like, all right, I've got a big day tomorrow yeah whereas here people drink they're like dude i'm literally going to shit on my own ass you know what i mean i don't know no i have no idea what you

no that was yeah i mean they're just blacking out i think i just blacked out a little bit they shit on their own yeah people drink I like that around here though I love how people just drink to shit should be like a fucking I just like yeah sometimes I say shit dude I'm just like dude I do that you ever your mind ever like like your mouth just keeps talking and you're like what the fuck am i even talking yeah it happens to me all the time yeah you're going to like a coma a little bit yeah it's not fucking good man dude i remember at the one of the first i moved here like two years ago when i was it was

my friend's birthday and we're drinking and like, so I live in Bushwick. We were drinking in like the Lower East Side of Manhattan. And I was like blackout drunk. And my friend was like, just come stay at my place tonight. He lives in Jersey. And I was like, nah, man. I got to get home. I didn't have anything tomorrow.

I was just drunk. I was like, I got to get home. I didn't have anything tomorrow. I was just drunk. I was like, I got to get home. Yeah. So dumb. I got on the C train, fell asleep, woke up. It's 6 in the morning. I'm covered in throw up. There's throw up all over the ground.

There's one girl that was on the train, and she was just like, and I was like, sorry. My phone's dead. I just get get out i was in far rockaway i just went and i just like walked in the in the ocean just walked in the ocean my shirt off sat on the beach holy shit it was awesome that's fucking awesome yeah that's like a movie oh yeah dude yeah i miss those days man one time i was at a party dude with my asian friend and i ended up getting a blow job in my truck dude right outside of the party it was insane this chick followed me out to my truck just blew me this was like in college dude i was having the

time of my life dude i like munched on some box and then uh cool dude i go back inside and i start drinking more and more. And me and my Asian friend, we ended up falling asleep in this like random room with like antiques and shit and like chairs. And we're both like smashed. So we're like falling over and like breaking antiques and stuff. And I end up falling asleep, dude, for like an hour and a half. And then I woke up at like two in the morning and I was like, I got to falling asleep, dude, for like an hour and a half. And then I woke up at like 2 in the morning, and I was like, I got to go home, dude.

I'm still like shitted. Dude, I hop in my truck, start it up. I'm driving home. I throw up on my chest. While driving? Take my shirt off, drive home shirtless, and then I see a cop car pull up behind me followed me all the way home didn't pull me over and i just like went to bed what do you think he was doing he was probably

like what is this dude in a flame truck doing at two in the morning yeah but i get that dude i i do like uh i bet he was following you because he, that was in Rhode Island. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably, it's pretty small there. Right? Like the popular, it's not a lot of people there. Yeah.

Where we were, it was like, we're all the college kids. Like, we were in college. Yeah. That's where everyone lived. So, there's always cops around. So, there's probably like a sense of community there where the cop's he may be drunk but i'm just gonna follow him make sure he drives safe you know he was like i want to get this he was like please go through if he pulled me over dude i would probably have lived a different life for sure i'm just i think about that all the time i'm

like if i had like a minor in high school i'd probably just like have a neck tattoo yeah for sure dude you know what i was thinking about is like that happened to a lot of people who were in like long-term relationships when they were younger like you ever like have a friend who was in a relationship for like four or five years and then got dumped yeah and just, like, spiraled out of control. Yeah. Like, that's... Dude, that's, like... And then you got to be there for them.

And then if you tell them, hey, man, you're crazy, they're like, fuck you! Yeah, they're like, you have no idea. I mean, dude... And you're like, hey, man, you're kind of losing it. And they're like, no, I'm not! Yeah. You think you would tell your boy that if that happened to him? Yeah. You'd have the balls to be like, dude, you're kind of losing it. And they're like, no, I'm not. Yeah. You think you would tell your boy that if that happened to him?

Yeah. You'd have the balls to be like, dude, you're losing it. Yeah, I think you got to. I think if you're really boys, you got to. Yeah, that's the right thing to do. Because it's worth it in the end. I remember my last, one of my girlfriends that I had, she was, whenever she would drink,

she would just, like like embarrass me in front of everyone so i told her that and i went hey when you're drunk she was like an alcoholic i was like hey when you drink you like embarrass the shit out of me and then she got so mad at me drops me off at my house she's like fuck you next time i see and now after that every single time we went out she was like oh can i get a beer john is that okay if i get a beer and i'm like bro look into yourself yeah fuck you wow and then she like tries to act like i'm i'm the one it's like no you just you got hammered started talking during my birthday comedy show yeah and then her friend threw up in the bathroom and was

like laying on the floor of the bathroom and i'm like at your at your birthday comedy show yeah they had like a comedy they had like a roast battle it was like a roast of me dude they they made like this dumb poster it was like a birthday roast and i they put like a fake birthday hat on me and it's like a picture of me from high school and on facebook it made it in this group chat called bad comedy flyers and they're like that kid sucks just random comedians all over the country bro so she went to that and she was like talking the whole time yeah and i remember being on stage going stop talking that's tough and then i said imagine and then it wasn't that night but like a week later we're drinking she said something again and i was like oh no when i said it we weren't even drinking that night we were completely

sober i just knew i wanted to tell her that and i finally built up the courage and i went when you drink you embarrass me and we were both completely sober and she was like yeah she's like she's tweaking out she's like what do you mean dude the fact that you had the balls to say that though man that's i respect that dude well someone's most guys wouldn't you know yeah you're a fucking that's a real man thing to do, dude. You know? Yeah, because I still, like, I cared about her.

Or, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't, because I want you to not do this as much because I can see that it's affecting you. Yeah. And it's, like, embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you, let alone for me having to, like, try to explain this to people. Yeah. Like, oh, yeah, it's like embarrassing i'm embarrassed for you let alone for me having to like try to explain this to people yeah like oh yeah she's just right yeah it's tough though man because like if you're a dude out there you know and you're fucking you know you're in a relationship and uh you just come out and you say how you really feel there's always a chance

she might get offended you know and lose her fucking mind and then the next time it comes around you're like dude i can't go through that again and that fucking builds up man and that's why that's why dudes fucking drive through the uh like this the shed section at lowes and shit you know because they just fucking you love getting revenge on people by driving through their place of business. Yeah. It's a matter of time before something happens, dude. You just want to drive your flame truck through a place.

Yeah. Because it can do some damage. I would. It's a matter of time, dude, before it happens. Everyone knows it's going to happen, too. You know? Like, this kid's going to... He's going to let it rip one day.

Someone's got to do it, dude. If you have a truck with flames on it, you've got to put it to use. I don't have the truck anymore. I have a Honda Accord now. Oh, really? I've settled down, dude. I've changed. I'm a changed man, dude.

Yeah, dude. Trucks, you can't, unless you're, like, doing shit with them. Yeah, I was never. Dude, I had a truck. It was, like, a 1984 Ford F-150. Oh, wow. I had a i had a truck it was in like a 1984 uh ford f-150 oh wow rip i had a jeep before it my jeep the engine like exploded i was just driving it went stop driving had to get this truck exploded while you were driving it exploded like i heard my hood go i went the fuck did it just explode and it wouldn't drive anymore yeah so then i went and

i got i just needed a car before i moved to new york for like six months i went and got this horrible rusty piece of shit car i had a pair of pliers i'd turn it on with it wow if i want to use the windshield wipers i used it yeah a month before i move here the brakes just went out while i was driving and i i just rolled and then got on the side of the road and i was like you can't and i was like i don't have brakes yeah holy shit dude that's crazy yeah i worked for uh i used to work for amazon during the uh the pandemic dude i got stuck in a snowstorm and it was like four inches of snow on the ground and i was in this like suburban neighborhood and there was like a little hill you had to go down and then up and i was like dude i don't know if i'm gonna make it in this amazon

van so i started from like the the beginning of the road and i really got some steam going i was going like 45 and like a 20 so i hit I hit the hill and I make it up the hill and then I realized like I can't stop, dude. And I was headed towards a house. Like I was about to drive through this house. And I'm literally, my foot's all the way down on the brake, dude. And I'm drifting into this house, dude. And I swear to God god i missed the house by

maybe two and a half feet drove on this dude's lawn and then i just peeled out and left that could have been the end dude that could have been it did you like leave like tire mic marks in the yard yeah it was a fucking whole mess but there was a snowstorm and i was just like dude i can't i can't get out and, my bad, I almost just drove through your fucking house, dude. You just tore off. He was probably eating dinner. He was listening to fucking CCR, dude.

Oh, dude. It's all out, dude. Such a funny visual. If that was me, dude i was if i was eating dinner and i saw that some dude in amazon truck doing donuts in your yard if he if i saw him stop and then i heard the fortunate son i'd be like dude that's a fucking man right there dude fuck it i'd be like that's fine yeah be like dude you can fuck my wife that was like most of my uh you must have driven around a lot right and like north dakota and stuff yeah i never drive here but i drive there yeah you ever miss that dude just like driving yeah man dude i fucking miss it i don't miss a lot about it but but I do miss, like, the privacy, you know?

Yeah, just, like, yelling stuff. The privacy of being in your car, being able to talk to yourself, be crazy, you know? But now you're on the subway and everyone's just, like, doing it for you. I always feel like people are just looking. Like, if I'm on my phone, I can't, if I'm watching a video that, like, I just want to be watching, I just know that someone's probably like yeah you're watching like bang boss yeah yeah dude i can't watch porn while i'm getting places anymore yeah i miss that man i miss uh like the intimacy of driving around dude just like making sounds and like listening to music yeah you know just being like unfiltered and stuff

it's almost like uh it's like therapy it's a guilty pleasure yeah dude it's like a coping mechanism man it really is you would all i don't know if you ever thought about this dude i would always think about like maybe seeing a girl while i'm listening to like a specific song she'd be like oh that song fucking rips i'd be like you want to like and you'd be like fingering her in the passenger seat i mean yeah i'd probably just like eat her out while driving i wasn't even thinking about that dude i wasn't thinking about anything sexual man just like a quick head nod you know like a fatty just being like

what's up just like a tip of the cap yeah like she quick head nod, you know, like a fatty just being like, what's up? Just like a tip of the cap. Yeah, like she remembers your face, dude. You know what I mean? Is she in the car with you? No, maybe just walking by. You know?

Windows down playing music. Yeah, just somewhere like in a field. Just going, yeah. In a field? Just a quick head nod, dude. And she's acknowledging it.

She's like, yeah, that's what's up. Yeah. Yeah. That would be insane,, dude. And she's acknowledging it. She's like, yeah, that's what's up. Yeah. Yeah. That would be insane, dude, if you ate a chick out. While driving? Yeah, that would be like a porno, dude. Bang, bust it.

I mean, you'd have to at like a red light. Yeah, that would be. That would definitely be illegal. If you put the window down. You were like, yo, baby, let me eat you out. Aren't you not even in the car? Yeah, we should start doing that, man. Make our own web series.

It's like us just pulling up to red lights next to chicks. Yo, baby, let me eat you out. That's so immature, dude. That's fucked. Unless it works. Yeah. I wonder if it would,

man. I gotta imagine it would. If I said it with a, if you said it with a straight face, dude, that would be kind of, if you, if you didn't blink and went, can I please hit you out?

If I said that with a straight face, dude, I don't know if I'd be able to look myself in the eyes again, like in the mirror. I mean, that's some, like, psychopath. For sure, dude. I just thought about, like, acting it out, and I can't even do that, dude. Go for it. All right, I just thought about acting it out, and I can't even do that, dude. Go for it. All right, I'm the girl. Oh, nice car. No, because I think I would have to yell, though, right?

Because we'd both be in cars. Yeah, you wouldn't want to turn the music down. Like, yo, baby, let me eat you up. And they'd go, what? I'd be like, this guy is legit retarded. Let me eat you all. And they'd go, what? They'd be like, this guy is legit retarded. They'd be like, this is a fucking... This is a fucking handicapped guy driving a car right now dude

dude imagine calling the cops saying that you're like yeah I just saw I just saw a mentally challenged man in a car He screamed Yo let me eat you out Oh god

That'd be so fucked Yo Dude, I feel bad. I literally put up a comedy clip today. And when you came over, dude, this chick commented. Well, I have to read this for the uh the supporters of the podcast dude uh oh actually this might be a dude this person commented they go i enjoy your pod but the autistic linebacker joke

I enjoy your pod, but the autistic linebacker joke, which I understand would have been funny to me four years ago, hits different now that I have a three-year-old who was recently diagnosed as autistic. Don't want to discourage humor, but man, I'm confused right now. That's tough, man. Wait, but that's a real guy? I believe so, yeah. It's a real person. So he said he would laugh at it before his kid

was an autistic linebacker? That's tough, man. His kid was just diagnosed. I didn't even know he could get diagnosed. With autism? Yeah. I wonder if...

Fuck. No, you just... Yeah, I mean... It's not like a... That's like a... You're not going to die from it. It's like a... Yeah, I would just say to him or her, like, I'm not, you know...

I am making fun of myself. I'm not talking about your kid. Yeah, I'm not talking about your kid. I'm making fun of myself. You know not talking about your kid. Yeah, I'm not talking about your kid. I'm making fun of myself. You know, I've also been called that many times. Yeah. So, yeah, that's tough, dude. That's like when someone's on stage and they, like, make a mentally challenged joke

and someone's like, my brother's retarded. And it's like, you just said retarded. Like, you know what I mean? It's like one of those situations. It's like, I'm not making fun of your brother. I don't even think about that when I say retarded. And it's like, you just said retarded. Like, you know what I mean? It's like one of those situations. It's like, I'm not making fun of your brother. I don't even think about that when I say retarded. When I say retarded, I just think about, like, friends back home. Yeah, yeah.

It's like when dudes say gay. You know what I mean? Most guys, yeah. Yeah, when you say gay a lot. I mean, I say gay, like, a little too much. It is sad. I say it more, like like sarcastically or honestly where it's like that is very gay oh wow you say like that you say that is very gay if it's

something that's gay yeah yeah but i'm not saying it's bad i'm just saying yeah a hundred percent yeah that's like dude language you know like your dog like your male dog humping my leg and getting cum all over my pants. Yeah, that's like legit gay, though. If you want to watch like Gossip Girl, that's fucking gay, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I do feel bad, though. I saw that comment and I was like, fuck, I should probably address this, you know.

Yeah. Because this dude's basically saying, hey, I'm a huge fan of your podcast, but I don't know how to feel right now. And I could go one of two ways, like dive deep into it and like make fun of him. Or I could just be like, listen, dude, I'm not making fun of your kid, you know? Yeah, I mean, definitely. I know what you meant when you said that. And you're saying this guy's kid is retarded. Yeah.

You were you thought of this guy's kid when you said that yeah it was directed towards him yeah i think you need to apologize to him because i mean you showed me the picture of the uh act offended you know yeah it's tough man dude this guy's kid is autistic it's just gonna be you know i just can't you know i can't be doing that dude i can't be making jokes anymore dude can. You can't be talking about linemen. Yeah. I worked with autistic kids for, like, three years. Really? Yeah, and I was a para for, like, five. Specifically autistic kids? Mm-hmm.

It was, like, an autism center. So it's, like, you ran trials with them. And there were, like, some autistic kids that were, like, smart. But, like, they could, like, talk to you and, like, be, like, the capital of Montana is capital of montana is something yeah and then there were some kids couldn't talk at all wow like they dude there were there were kids that were just like so it was gone just gone yeah i heard it's a spectrum thing you know what i mean yeah, how'd you get into that, though? Well, my mom is a special ed teacher. Oh, really?

So I was just like, I would pair in the summers with her, which is just like you're just like in the classroom, just like putting straws in the pouches. And then I needed a job. So I went and I applied to this autism center. And it was like parents would like drop their kids off. Yeah. And you'd just be with them for like six hours a day running trials like uh all right one of the trials was this kid needed to carry like a full glass of water from one end of the room back to you without spilling it and he fucking couldn't do it so weird how you're saying trials it feels like uh some sort of like stanford. Well, it's like to get them ready.

Dude, it's like they're like, we got to make the whole slogan of the place was prepare the kid for the path, not the path for the kid. Oh, wow. But some of these kids, there's no path. They're like that, man. Yeah. It's like such a waste of money sometimes. But I get it. It's like you can't be with them all day.

Yeah. If you're a parent, like, you got to give them to someone for some of it. Yeah. My dad did that when I was younger, dude. He worked for, like, this company called the Seven Hills Foundation. And he would literally care for mentally challenged adults. But it wasn't, like, just autism. It was, like, some of them had like full bored down

syndrome and he would bring them over for dinner dude it was insane like these dudes would just sit down and just like fucking start throwing shit everywhere like mashed potatoes yeah and i just had to keep a straight face and be like it's not fucking funny no you can laugh yeah dude i got grounded most of my childhood for laughing because your dad would bring guys with down syndrome yeah and you would laugh when they fart at the table and he ground you every single time yeah i would have to be at dinner like by dark and i would just sit down and this dude kevin had like full bore down syndrome. And he would, like, rip ass during grace. Like, legitimately, like, rip heaters during grace.

And I would have to be, like, all right. That's normal. Yeah, I would have to, like, try to control myself. My dad would be, like, straight-faced and shit. He was, like, one of those dudes that, like, if you said retarded, he would, like, fucking murder you, dude. Dude, this dude at Verizon once, I went with my sister. And i think my dad was trying to get like an upgrade or something and uh the dude at the at the desk uh looked over to the chick next to him and he was like oh this guy works with like retards dude i've never seen my dad get so mad like he like fuming dude like looked at the dude was like

i heard what you just said it was insane damn made like a whole scene at verizon wow yeah it was wild dude this was like literally like 9 to like 13 dude every day just being like oh it's dinner time like like dude down syndrome he had this one dude come over who had like uh he had autism and he was like more chill dude he would watch like tv shows and shit so i get what you're saying about the autism shit hey dude you can almost like not even tell dude some kids you cannot tell yeah and then they're like punching themselves in the face and you're like all right i guess i can tell yeah there's always like one thing all right that makes sense now yeah yeah like if you if you had to read a book or something you'd be like all right let me this but then there's some kids dude this kid this kid he would always

go you just like look at his fingers and go and then you go like that yeah at one time this girl that worked at the autism center she was like she went in home with him so she was like watching him overnight in his place and he's in like a group home yeah and she's she's like in bed so she's just like watching TV like waiting for the next shift manager to come in it's like 3 in the morning kids asleep she's asleep. She's watching TV. She hears like the bookshelf move. And she looks over. And he's just completely naked.

What? And he goes, mommy's here. What? Dude, what the fuck? That's so crazy. And he had like shit in his room. This was autism too? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, it's a spectrum, man. Yeah. That's wild, bro. Dude, this kid just like shit in his room this was autism too yeah oh yeah this is it's a spectrum man yeah that's wild bro dude this kid just like shit in his room like big shits they would poop man damn it's wild i wonder what uh what leads to that man i can't even imagine dude what leads to shitting in your room yeah i mean i've been there but it's like you know dude i just remember going to like the uh the special olympics dude have you ever gone no really um no it's a wild uh it's a wild thing man it like, because you got all of them there, dude. You know what I'm saying?

So you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah. When I went there, dude, no joke, they were playing softball, and, dude, the catcher was blind. The catcher? The catcher was blind, dude. She was literally just taking it off the chest like every other pitch. And then she would just like throw it third base.

She'd be like, why are we doing this? You know? Like why can't you just play another position? Yeah, literally right field. I don't know if you can put like a blind person out in the outfield, dude. Well, don't put a catcher. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, what would be like a good, maybe just like a third base coach or something?

Just no sports. Yeah. I feel like you have to include them in something, though, dude, you know? Yeah, they can like, I don't even know what they can do. They can yell. They can yell. They can yell stuff. Yeah, that's sad, dude. Can't believe we're

talking about this right now. Yeah. We're talking about mentally challenged people, dude. Yeah. But you know what? It's a, it's a thing that's here,

you know? Yeah. It's crazy. It's not like it's not true. Yeah. You shouldn't put a blind person as a catcher that's just yeah people are like dude how can you make fun of someone who's mentally challenged and it's like i'm not i'm not making fun of them yeah like if you and i right now were approached by mentally challenged folks we wouldn't like make fun of them you know what i mean we'd be like what's up bro you trying to chill yeah you know what i mean at least that's what i would do what i gathered from working with

them and like devoting like a lot of my life to them is if you if they do something uh and you laugh at it you know that's yeah they can be funny you know yeah it's tough because it's like and it's like you know well people you got people looking after you you know i kind of wish sometimes you ever get those feelings where you're like damn i kind of wish i was just like having fun all the time yeah you know i feel like i would be like a really good uh if you get to have fun all the time then people get to laugh when you do something funny yeah i wonder where like that comes from where people like dude don't laugh don't fucking yeah it doesn't really like you know yeah it's borderline impossible and it's also like are you supposed to be like mad at them or sad

yeah yeah someone was like uh they farted it's like this is wicked sad dude but uh so that dude who had autism his name was richard and uh people would always be like dude like if you're mentally challenged like you don't have feelings like no you can have feelings yeah but like a lot of people are under the assumption like oh dude if you're if you're man, like, you don't remember things. It doesn't matter what people say to you and shit like that. Dude, so, like, I'm at my dad's funeral, and I'm just standing there. Well, I'm at the wake, so I'm just standing there, and people are walking by and shit.

And it's, like, fucking depressing and awkward, dude. And I see that dude Richard come in, full-bore autistic. Bro, it was, like, one of the saddest things i've ever seen like he legit like teared up starting like bawling his eyes out really and i was just like oh dude like before that there's someone in there yeah there's like something deeper inside yeah where you're like oh these are like legitimate human beings like he probably just remembered everything it's just they can't like articulate how they're feeling. Yeah.

Yeah. It was like cool to see. It was very sad, but it was like, oh, shit. It was like, it was definitely, I bet, kind of astonishing to be like, wow, I didn't even think about that. Yeah. It was one of those things where you're just like, dude, what the fuck? You know what I mean? Yeah.

You start to believe in like a higher power. You're like, dude, this is some crazy shit, man. You know what I mean? Like a You start to believe in like a higher power. You're like, dude, this is some crazy shit, man. You know what I mean? Like a guy who's, could he like talk? Yeah, he could talk fine, dude. Oh. But I think we would help him like, we would help him go shopping, like get his groceries, basic like life things.

I did that with an older dude once. I was working at like this group home and I brought this dude to Magic the Gathering he was so bad he lost every single game dude I've never played

were you like into that shit? but I could tell that he was really bad based on everyone shaking his hand after two minutes of playing with him. Yeah. Going, hey, good game. Yeah. And he's like.

Do you think you would cry, dude, if, like, if you were with that dude and you were hanging out and someone, like, made fun of him? Like, do you think you would get emotional? Like, to his face? I just feel like, dude, if I was, like was like if it was my job my full-time job dude if it was my full-time job to take care of someone who had down syndrome or who's autistic i feel like if someone made fun of them directly like i think i would just lose it yeah if it's like bullying them yeah if it's just like like uh oh you got mustard on your shirt huh and then you're like like we would tease them all the time you know do that

thing where i just mean like legitimately yeah yeah if someone went up to the guy that has it and went you're fucking stupid i'd probably be like what the hell is your problem yeah but i feel like most people have enough sense to not do that yeah you're like the situation you described is something that probably will never happen yeah dude i don't know if it's just me man or it's like uh but i would it's like one of those things where it's like you think about it and you're like that would suck if that happened but i kind of want it to happen because I just want to yell at someone. Yeah, I don't even know if I would yell. I'd probably start throwing fucking haymakers.

Yeah, so you'd be like, dude, I'd fucking beat this shit. Like in like a lifetime. Dude, I wish someone came up and called this guy retarded. I'd beat the fuck out of him. I just, dude, me and my buddy in middle school we were walking up the stairs on the way to class and there was a kid behind us i don't know what his disability was he was he was a little gone though dude and he was listening to us speak and we were talking about vaginas dude and he overheard us, and I swear to God,

he walked into every single classroom on that floor. Walked in. Screamed vagina. Like multiple times. And then he would walk out, and then he'd go to the next class. And he would just scream vagina.

These are full classrooms, like teachers trying to teach. Dude, I've never laughed so hard in my life but dude when i was done laughing i like had to hold back tears you know what i mean because i i like felt bad i was like like that's funny but then i thought about it deeper and i was like oh shit man there's just something about it dude i don't know what it is i just i don't get sad about it really ever yeah because i i just think about how uh i get more sad for like the parents of it of the of a person who's like like has no control over like their senses all that like they say what they want to say they do what they want to do they don't listen because they're like their brain

doesn't work like that i just feel bad for like parents that because it's tiring man to like really like people who usually say you know all that stuff are i like that are like don't say it or don't do it they either have kids like that or they know nothing about it that's how i look at it yeah that would be very sad to see because it's just it's dude it's exhausting and that's like why what i did like about that job is being able to like just kind of hang out with these kids i was bad at the job but i would like hang out i they like what i like video games just like running around throwing a ball so I would just hang out with them, get them away from their parents, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, dude. It's also like your blood, too. Like, it's like, you know, you had that child. That's your creation. Yeah. Which is fucking insane. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is, you know, I don't really know how it works it might just be me dude maybe i'm just like uh i should feel guilty dude you know what i'm saying nah don't feel guilty yeah i mean you didn't it's just it's just nature it's just just how it is yeah you know all right well dude um I appreciate you for coming, dude. Dude, thanks for having me on. It's pretty. We just touched, dude. Thank you for coming, dude. I had a good time, man.

Some good laughs. Do you have anything you want to, what's it called? Fucking. Plug. Plug, yeah, yeah. I'm on a podcast, Can I Go Home Now? With Lucas and Jamie. And on Twitter, I'm FrazzleMyGimp.

That's my...