The Johnny Salami Podcast - Jonny Stod

Episode Date: March 8, 2020

On this episode of The Johnny Salami Podcast, I sit down with my good friend Jon. We talk about old High School memories, Jons life down south, and what we look for in girls.

All right, what's going on everyone? Welcome to another episode of the Johnny Salami Band Gangst. Today's guest, Johnny Stoddard. What's going on, bro? Howdy, how are we? What's poppin'? Not much, guy. We haven't seen each other in a while, man. It's good to see you. Yeah, it's been like a few years. Yeah, 8th grade English class. No, I'm just kidding. We didn't go to the same middle school.

No, it's high school, right? English class. Senior year? I think so, yeah thurston thurston guy was always stoned the things that they carry dude i wanted to bring that up because like people people don't believe me when i say like that actually happened that's well the only thing you did was you you said the teacher was a female and you're like oh yeah well no the is that why did you do the teacher uh dude the teacher was a female. And you're like, oh, yeah. Well, no. Is that,

why did you do that? The teacher, dude, the teacher he was talking to was a female in the hallway. Because I could hear them hyping me up in the hallway. They were like, yeah, John's like legit retarded. And,

no, I remember he was going around and he was asked, like our table was always terrible. Like we never did any work. Yeah, it was what? And he was like, yeah, like, so, like, what do you guys carry with you? And I remember once I yelled these big old balls, like, you laughed, and, like, someone else laughed, but everyone else was like,

what are you confused about? Yeah, none of the other tables got it. Well, that's because they were all, like, they were all, like, the closet like the closet World of Warcraft kids that didn't talk at school. Yeah, I mean, that's what I was like, so... Mr. Thurston was like... Dude, that guy was probably high as tits when that happened, too.

Oh, my God, dude. He was so confused. He was like... He kind of laughed a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd like to think so. He kind of laughed a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd like to think so. He did. He was kind of like, I saw it in his eyes.

That was a moment he had where he was like, this job is just ridiculous. He was like, yeah, I don't get paid enough for this. Dude, another thing I did in that class, I made a speech on flatulence. Was I there for this? Definitely. dude another thing i did in that class i made a speech on flatulence yeah i think yeah i made a speech on fucking flatulence dude and uh yeah dude that guy was all about it man do you remember any of that speech? I don't. No. I remember he told us once, though, that he lives on Tower Hill Road, which is, like, supposedly haunted. Which is, like, the single place I would expect him to live in the world. Yeah. And, dude, he told us, like, a story that, like, he was asking us if we believed in ghosts.

And I think pretty sure me and you were like fuck not like get out of here and he like told us a story about how he was like making toast one day and like he had just finished like eating his wife's ass no he was like yeah i was making some toast and And he was like, yeah, the fucking wall is caught on fire. Yeah. He was like, yeah. So I was eating ass, and then the whole fucking house started burning down. And he was like, turns out I was just high as tits.

Yeah, I remember he told me that. I was like, yeah, I don't know if I believe that, man. He said the wall caught on fire. And then just... Didn't he say he saw like a woman? Like a ghost? Like the house was burning and he saw this like ghost lady. Maybe that was just his wife.

I don't know. Jesus. I remember, man. That would be fucking hilarious, though. Yeah, I just saw this fat chick in the distance. Yeah, that guy was something else, man. But that was the last time I've pretty much seen you. Besides that time when the house is burning down.

Yeah, I did that. And then there's that one party in the summer. I think it was after sophomore year of college or something. Was it memorable or no? I mean, you were there. It was somebody's basement. Whose house was that? I don't even know. It was somebody's basement Whose house was that? I don't even know

It was like back by the woods Was it? Yeah All I know is I don't want to name names But somebody got really drunk And like threw a fit And then

I'm pretty sure she drove her tree Or she drove her car into a fucking tree Really? Like shortly after leaving, yeah. Wow. I definitely missed out on that one. I probably just wasn't paying attention, to be honest. We were in the backyard, and me and the fucking Rileys were wrestling.

Wait, dude. How long? Was this in high school or college? No, this was college. This was like summer after i want to say it was after sophomore year because there was two parties i remember seeing you at i remember seeing you at one and we were at a pretty nice house and uh there was like a bunch of people there but we were in the backyard and there was a basketball hoop back there yeah yeah yeah and everyone was

wicked drunk and i remember like somebody took out a basketball. And I took it and I was like, yo, fucking Larry the Legend, baby. And I shot a hook shot from like 25 feet away. Dude, it smashed the backboard, like hit somebody in the tits. I was like eating food. And the food went flying everywhere. And like nobody even batted an eye. Dude, nobody did anything. But somebody drove home into a tree that night?

Not that night. Oh, okay. There was another night that I remember. I think I know what you're talking about. There was a specific female who ran in the front yard. And she was just like falling all over the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone was like cheering like, you're not a lesbian.

Oh, no, they were were chanting you are a lesbian there's somewhere in between yeah i remember that they were like you are a lesbian they were like just let it happen and uh i think that's when i left yeah sounds like a good time yeah yeah man you went to uh you went to clemson though what was that like uh repping the orange right now cat yeah not clemson orange but uh yeah yeah it's close enough not clemson orange it's orange all right um but yeah i loved it um i thought i actually thought after my freshman year i was going to transfer. Really?

That's because I'm an indecisive motherfucker, and I've always been. But I got there freshman year. I wasn't really sure about the whole Greek life thing, and I just played lacrosse. Freshman year lacrosse team was a joke. The president, vice president, because it's a club, so it's different. Oh, yeah, it's a club. They wanted it to be like beer league team was a joke like the president vice president like because it's club so it's oh yeah it's club um they wanted it to be like beer league like a joke and you know i'm a hard-o like i like to take things seriously so i wanted to win i wanted to i wanted to play all that yeah um no we just weren't good so i was like fuck this i'm gonna fucking transfer somewhere

like so i thought about um i talked to the coach from Babson, which is D3. I thought about transferring to Providence and, like, walking on. But I also didn't want to be home. Like, I really hated doing one at the time. Like, I didn't want to be here. Yeah, sophomore year, pledged. What was that like, though? Like, did you have to go through anything serious? That like uh i mean i can't get specific because you know all your all your

viewers are gonna oh no you should come down on it but um yeah i mean it's pledging is hard it's like having a it's like balancing school with that is like it's like a part-time job i guess in terms of like commitment um but yeah there's it really uh teaches you some humility and you know you got guys telling you you know you look like you look like fucking gibby or like really no shit like that just put you down whatever um i mean no they just like they take you in, you get this ego because you're like, ooh, I'm pledging a fraternity at Clemson. And, you know, they break you down and build you back up and they do it in very creative ways. Yeah. Like with their cocks?

Exactly. No, but dude, I remember like, you don't have social media anymore, dude. But when I'm, you know, when I'm at home on Friday nights fucking spanking, dude, I used to go on Instagram and I'd see you with like 10 bitches just bent over in front of you. Caption, fuck it. And I'd be like, wow, John's really killing it out there. I'd always send you messages too. I'd be like, show, I think I made a few comments. I was like, show me how. Show me your ways.

So it looked like you were fucking crushing it, man. You could say that. I was having fun. Yeah. I mean, at least you were talking to girls, man. That's the hardest thing. Yeah. How would you say, like, girls are different down there, down south than, like, up here?

Oh, that's a good one. Well, I like to go off stereotypes i know that's not the best way of looking at things yeah it's okay to over generalize yeah you get here and like girls are like you know a good like 15 20 pounds overweight like packing a little like you know for the cold like it huh so that's how we like it. Huh? So that's how I like it, dude. Yeah. But I mean, you go to a place like Clemson, it's not only like Southern girls and they're blondes and stuff like that, but everybody's got money, especially out-of-state kids because it's more expensive out-of-state. So having money, they're there for Otter and they're smaller brains and like even harder to talk to because they can't hold a conversation really dude i would have thought it was like the exact

opposite down there um i don't know i mean not really no now that i think about it it's like you can't i'm general here i am generalizing but like you can't always generalize yeah so like you know you meet some some nice girls some cool girls like i mean but i got i got very sick of like the social scene by the time i got out of there like yeah it's just i mean by the end of it especially in greek life it just shrinks everything so like rather than interacting with 20 000 other students you're only interacting with like i don't know like 2000 really so it's yeah so i mean because you go greek and then there's this ignorance of like you're not in a fraternity or sorority like i'm not gonna hang out with you yeah um yeah i feel like i said every college i mean if you're not in uh in greek life it's kind of hard to uh

make friends but like i mean that's kind of like the whole package though dude like if you're playing lacrosse doing that and going to class at least i wasn't going to class but like i mean like so like do a lot of the girls are they like all like what uh fraternity are you in stuff like that yeah so was yours like like a cool one like a reputable one or was it more like average or yeah um it got better throughout the time that i was there so like um when i pledged we were like we were like a respectable fraternity but by no means were we like the best on campus what were like the parties like though uh it's like if you're underage you go to the fraternity parties and it's like

so at clemson like we don't have a Greek row. We don't have the big mansion fraternity homes. You see it at Alabama, Auburn, those big SEC schools. Really? It's something you might as well take the house that we're in right now and just clear it out, make it dirty, hay some kids in it. Really? Yeah, call it a party house.

For our case, our alumni would go in on a house because they have real jobs, they have money, and they care about us because we're doing what they did. So they pitch in, buy a house. This is for every fraternity, not just ours. Buy a house and be like, go have fun, kids. Just don't do anything stupid even though that's all we did yeah yeah that's pretty crazy I've always wondered what it's like because I

know a lot of people like uh like I know Tyler Avalar went down there to Alabama right he looked like he was having a good time yeah he was an old ball down there so because he didn't go until like a couple of years later right yeah who knows man it just i mean i i mean it's all based off of like what you see on social media which obviously isn't reality but i mean it looks cooler than uh you know staring at the wall that's what i do now anyways because you know yeah i feel like most people like i mean for me at least like it was like you have like your crazy parties and you know you experience that stuff and then you come to a point where you're like, this is getting kind of old. Exactly, yeah. And that first happens, like, as you approach 21.

You're like, I don't want to go to these parties with, like, freshmen anymore. Like, I want to go to the bars with, like, the old kids. And then, like, by the time you're really old, so, like, me and myself, I ended up doing a fifth year because I'm stupid. And I didn't know what I wanted to study, and I just flopped around. But anyways, fifth year, you're really old, and you're hanging out with juniors at the bar. So you're like, all right, I've got to get out of here. Yeah, the last couple months of school, I was just sick of it. Yeah, the last couple months of school, I was just sick of it.

And then I decided to get a job in Italy, which is an even smaller bubble, with 20-year-old study abroad students running around. Dude, you studied abroad? No, worked abroad. Oh, fuck. After you graduated. Dude, I remember. Yeah, that's... Well, I did.

So it was like, it went through phases. You're underestimating it. It was like, it went from from like you on a yacht with like 10 girls bent over to like you want a lot a yacht abroad with like 14 chicks bent over and i was like dude johnny's fucking killing it exponential growth but dude so you studied abroad and i would yeah like what does it even involve you you were just like a tour guide supposedly well this is working abroad it's like i studied abroad you know you're an actual student when you study abroad yeah we don't really do much do you uh it depends on your program like

most programs are jokes and like you'll have like two tests a semester that you have to like study a day or two for um but um yeah i studied abroad and my program was a little difficult so like i was taking actual classes and you know um still like you don't sleep you go out a ton and like it's just all these young spoiled kids like on the other side of the world like just spending mom and dad's money so like yeah um yeah it's a good way to go broke but you have fun doing it yeah that's a fucking that's a life question though man like you need to save money and just you know be a dj at applebee's or like go out and fucking let it rip i'm trying to find a space in between exactly it. It's hard. It's not easy, man. No, no. You know, like, sometimes I just want to go out and just tell a fat chick, like, I'm going

to rock your fucking world. And then other times, I'm just like, you know, I'd rather just, you know, stay inside. Maybe read a book, you know? Yeah, that's how I started feeling by the end of all of it, so. Yeah, dude. So, I was looking for apartments, and your mom hit me up on uh facebook the fuck yeah i think yeah she did she was like if you or any of your friends need help finding a place let me know and i was like oh i mean i'm like kind of looking so like she would you know

she started sending me different places which were pretty nice and like um so she reached out to you i believe so i'd have to look at my facebook messages all right you might you might have told me you were looking i think i dropped the line to her but i don't know yeah it's possible it must have came like stemmed from somewhere yeah well obviously but but anyway dude so like i'm at work and i'm not doing anything just smelling my own farts and uh i go i go on craigslist huh i go on craigslist to look for like a place like an apartment just like a one-bedroom apartment around here right and i find one and like the street looks pretty familiar and it just says uh like you know one bedroom unit

all utilities included so i'm like fuck yeah like the price was pretty reasonable so i text the guy he's like yeah man like you know i can meet up with you tonight show you the place so i'm like all right man like i'll just leave work i'll meet you there at like 6 30 so i show up to this place and it's a legitimate house and this dude just like standing there in his garage and i'm like what the fuck so i get out i'm like just 30 uh whatever like 30 chapatchit he's like yeah are you john i was like yeah and dude this house is right up the road like from here yeah like legitimately 15 seconds from my house right now so i'm like wicked confused over you like know the guy he like so he sees my truck and he's like wow man the truck looks really familiar and i was like yeah i live right down the road that desperate to get out of here dude so awkward

and uh the guy literally showed me his basement he's like yeah man like so the apartment was the basement yeah he put it on craigslist as a one bedroom apartment all utilities included so i'm like dude what the like do you live here like yeah i live upstairs meaning in the house yeah he lives in the fucking house i'm like look man like i didn't say this but i was like this is like hands down one of the creepiest like things i've ever experienced in my life i found a lot of those looking myself yeah like because you see it you're like wow dude like nine hundred dollars $900 a month, everything included. Like, I got to check it out. Yeah.

Meanwhile, you're just a tenant. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like some dude's basement who has no friends and he's trying to make an extra few bucks. What do you think he does down there? There was nothing down there. So, like, the pictures looked great, dude. Like, the pictures, it looked like it was pretty open, looked like a pretty, you know, pretty nice place.

It looked like an actual apartment. Yeah. But then you got there and you were like, this is just a wide open basement with a kitchen connected to it. And I was like, I mean, as long as I get out of here alive, I made it, man. The guy was literally like, yeah. I was like, so do the owners live upstairs? And he was like, I am the owner.

And I was like, oh, owner and i was like oh fuck here we go again so what's the goal with moving out into an apartment even if it's up the street i mean i've been i'm reading a lot of uh articles about growing up and i was like you know maybe i should probably get my own place about like like how to tie your shoes and stuff i mean i'm living my mom dude she's making me meatloaf you know i'm burning meatloaf like it's just like i gotta fucking figure something out yeah before it's too late you know because like five years from now i'm gonna wake up and be like fuck yeah you know that's that's how i felt um i was graduating college and i said you know there's no way i'm living with mom yeah and here i am, I, I got back from Italy. I lived at home for a month

and I said, all right, I'm tired of feeling like I'm 13 years old. I'm going to move in with my sister who has an apartment across Woonsocket. Cause we moved to Woonsocket a while ago. Um, you live in Woonsocket right now with your sister. Okay. No. Um, I actually, I moved back in with my parents because I realized living with my sister was just as bad, if not worse. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's just like you trade, like, a wonderful house. And, I mean, for me, like, I was living in a basement. So, like, I had, like.

You had a man cave. Huh? You had a man cave. Yeah, exactly. So, it's, like, it's cliche, like, living in your mom's basement. man cave huh you had a man cave yeah exactly so it's like it's cliche like living in your mom's basement but um you know it's nice and there's a lot more privacy in that than having like a bedroom like right next to you and then an apartment in wind socket this was like with my sister was in the shitty part of wind socket yeah so it's old like huh like downtown wind socket

um it's near that hospital what's over there like landmark so like that if you take like 99 get off go left i see a lot of there's a lot of listings for apartments over there yeah and they're all dirt cheap um so like i thought that was a sweet deal i was paying 325 a month split a two-bedroom my sister um but you know after a while i just got sick of coming home from work and you know all i want to do is just stare at walls and I got to deal with like the guy below me is like beating his daughter and like screaming at his wife. And then like I can hear like everything my sister's doing through the wall cause it's all paper thin and it's paper thin.

Yeah. So it's kind of how lofts are too. Like lofts are wicked nice, but you can hear exactly, you can hear everything the person's doing next to you. Oh yeah. So weird, man. It's just, it's so nice. It's like, fuck.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. I mean, you just get like a different vibe though when you live by yourself and you're on your own. Like for me, it's confusing. Cause like, it's not like I'm snagging pussy. You know what I mean? Like, that's like the number one reason everybody gets their own place.

Cause they're like, yo, I'm going to fucking, I i'm gonna bring chicks over and we're gonna get it on i'm like i mean like i'm just gonna be spanking in a different location you know what i mean unless you're like the one percent of like yeah being a dude then yeah i mean that's not the reality i think primarily i think the the biggest benefit is just like living on your own you're definitely more responsible for other shit. Yeah. You definitely feel more independent. Whereas like here, it's like,

I know I'm not going to bring chicks over and I'm never home. Yeah. So it's like, you know, like I'm saving money, but at the same time, it's like, if I live by myself,

I'd probably have more motivation to go out and do different shit. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's more isolating and you got to keep yourself busy. Yeah. You know? Yeah, because it's more isolating and you've got to keep yourself busy. I mean, I guess you don't want to fall in the trap of just being

a 40-year-old living with your mom. Didn't they make a movie about that? 40-year-old version, man. But, financially, man, that's the only thing that's a really great perk. Saving money, dude. the only thing that's, like, a really, like, great perk. What?

Saving money, dude, living at home. Yeah, very much so. It means you got to be working, though. Yeah. So, like, what are your plans moving forward? Like, you trying to travel a little bit? Go down south again? I don't really know right now.

That was the goal the whole time I was in college. I was like, all right, I want a job in Charlotte or Atlanta. I had a few interviews and even offers, and it just wasn't what I wanted. Charlotte is like a hub of just account account managers and i mean that's basically what you're doing right or what you're looking to do yeah i'm just smelling my own farts yeah so pretty much like working in a cubicle smelling your own farts and like you have you have to have a high school degree to have my job no i'm just kidding my job is like i feel like there's always different tiers of jobs i mean at every business it's like you can

be an analyst and just be doing bitch work or you can be an analyst like three like a third analyst right now i'm the analyst doing bitch work pretty much yeah um i'm a glorified secretary so yeah exactly so i mean you have them my job is not like an entry level position, but my job involves selling stuff. And when I sell shit, dude, like I have like this intrinsic guilt where I'm like, if this person likes me, you know,

they like me, but I'm not going to be like the wolf of wall street, you know, like pounding calls all day. Be like, yo, we fucking need you out here dog you know what i mean like johnny get me another one like it's like i just don't have that like intrinsic motivation

to sell shit and like people some people do man some people can start their own practice and just bang out cold calls all day like good for them dude but like i just tell people how it is yeah i'm like look if you want it, you want it. Yeah, that was a downfall of my job in Italy. You know, what I was doing was, yeah, I was a tour guide, but, like, your money comes from selling those trips. So basically you're selling a tour guide and one. And I get there and I'm like, all right, I'm just here to have a good time.

And, like, the pay is, like, piss poor. Yeah. I mean, you don't go there to make money. Like everybody wants to go to, not everybody, but a lot of people want to go to Italy and would do that like for free. So they pay you like 6% commission on like fucking like $20 sales,

like a day trip to the beach. So you're making like two bucks for a sale. Yeah, dude. So think about this, though. I'm selling. Well, I'm like referring to sales. So like say that the advisor makes a sale and it's $100,000. Think about that, dude.

That's like almost a house. Almost. Like that's a good chunk of money. That's like somebody's life savings right there they invest in the market and i get 22 basis points of that which is like a few hundred bucks 22 basis points yeah so point zero zero two two of that sale so i'm making like two hundred out of $100,000. It's fucking ridiculous. Like I went through all that work for fucking nothing.

Are you like an inside sales guy, like cold call? Pretty much. Like you know how banks sell like life insurance and whatnot? Not exactly. I mean, both banks banks they have their own advisors right yeah and uh yeah i'm just i'm the guy who like refers to those advisors so i'm like oh this client like i have to find clients that have like 50 to 100 000 or more that want to invest right and then i refer them so you're the guy that finds a new business yeah but i mean just to pass it on for somebody else to fuck up but like dude i went to school for finance and I went to school for investing.

So I should have a job as like an analyst or like a back office job that's like more analytical. Yeah. But here I am like in a bank, like opening up checking accounts. Yeah. It's just like such an extreme. It's like you go from opening up a checking account, which anyone can do. You know, you don't have to be a genius to open a checking account to the extreme which is like finding out how much money someone has being like hey you should invest this money and then scheduling a meeting to spend all of that

money in the market yeah and it's like you finally get there and you're like holy shit dude i just made a referral for 150 000 i just made 200 bucks you have to do that like 18 times and you're like okay like this is so how many like like i'm a year in now and i just go to work now and i don't even like i literally just smell my own farts i'm on craigslist dude i'm like i'm not doing anything yeah you just get burnt out after a while burnout is real and everything I've ever done. Oh, yeah. It's like, right now, I come back from this sales tour guy job,

and I'm like, all right, I want to be, you know, I want to sit in a cubicle and smell my own farts. Like, I'm tired of dealing with people. Yeah. So I do this for, like, two weeks, and I'm like, this is sweet. I get to just fuck around with Excel all day and like just listen to music. And then like two weeks after that, I'm like, I'm like pulling my own fucking hair out and in my cubicle.

I'm so sick of it. Like I don't talk to anybody at work. I'm just like, I'm a number, you know? Yeah. All I do is I live in my inbox. Somebody says, um, so basically basically so i work in supply chain logistics um and you'll get like routing codes for each like po and things like that um and i'm the guy who updates the route codes so like if something's getting picked up in

washington state needs to go to california but they change their address to idaho and i like i handle that um but it's just always people like, well, hasn't this been updated yet? And I'm like, I don't fucking know. Like, when did this get changed? I'm like, I don't know. I just started here. It's fucking sickening.

I've seen so many guys in supply chain who just have, like, fucking nut sacks on their forehead. Like, they're just done. They're just out for the count, dude. Yeah, no, it's not fun. It's just... That'd be fun. Because it's so time-sensitive.

Like, every second that you don't do your job, the company loses money. Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Because you make more money on a certain route than a different one. Or sometimes you lose money.

So, like, I handle our negative margin stuff, which says like i look through all our vendors and say like we're losing we're literally losing money shipping this guy's shit to you know fucking greenwood indiana um then like we gotta change this and so like if i just sit like at my cubicle fucking like watching your podcast all day my boss is like yo like do your shit we're losing money and if we lose money you don't have a job it's just like it's like so high stress but not at the same time because it's like yeah fucking no like nobody talks to each other what would happen if like

one day you just got wicked sick of it and you just farted on the keyboard for the logistics code? Some dude's shipment went to like fucking the Ukraine. Yeah, I do. That's yeah. My boss is the same thing. Like I'll be looking at like we have like the browser that's open. So it's like Bing or whatever. And they always have like top stories.

And I don't believe any of the stories. I just read them for like entertainment. Yeah, of course. So I'm just looking at like, you know, pictures of like one of the articles I was looking at was like actors who look sexy as fuck in bikinis.

So I'm literally just looking at these chicks and bikinis. Yeah. And my boss will come by and be like, John, like, uh, you're going to fucking make calls today. And I'm like, John, like, you gonna fucking make calls today? And I'm like,

yeah, yeah, definitely. Just never do. Let me just finish rubbing this one out. Like, dude, I'm fucking really busy right now,

man. Like, shit's on the line. Yeah. Just gotta make stuff up all the time. That's all it is, dude. It's like,

you're either kissing ass or like, bullshitting the fuck out of your job. I mean, that's, yeah. That's like, I feel like there's this whole subset of like,

they call it like, like non-sk like low skilled labor that like you think of that and it's like, okay, like fucking entry level, like roofers that, you know, the guys that pick up on the side of the street and all that. And there's like, there's like that work for college graduates which is like sales so like anything that doesn't require anything you fucking learned in college and all you have to do is speak or type like yeah i feel like there's just so much of that work dude it's literally all about who you know and everything in school is completely pretty much irrelevant yeah and it's the saddest thing in the world it's like yeah dude i gotta pay like a shit ton of money for student debt so like you combine that all together dude and i'm just thinking about like we work at citizens bank like we're in the middle of a parking lot and it's right next to the road so every day i just imagine me driving over to like stop and shop like legitimately just putting

on like you can go your own way like full volume like starting at stop and shop and then just accelerating as fast as i can right through the building like dude i'll have the craziest thoughts and work and i'm like dude i don't even belong here huh because you hate it so much or you're just i mean it would happen it would happen either way because like nobody knows who i am you know what i mean that like they'll be like john what'd you do this weekend and i'll be like nothing and they just get wicked awkward they're like all right do that i learned to stop talking to you pretty quick yeah it's like realistically i was talking about dicks over the weekend in front of like a bunch of people i didn't know

but like you don't want to tell anybody that yeah i would never do i would never tell anyone that but uh that's literally they're just always so confused about like my personality they're like oh there's john like look at him and like that's all it is man it's fucking annoying yeah but like dude i wouldn't mind just having a job like dude i wouldn't mind being a janitor for like a union union work i mean dude just listening to like a podcast all day like a union. Union work. I mean. Dude, just listening to like a podcast all day. Like, yeah, I'm going to have to pick up some shit. But like.

Dude, that would be the perk. Dude, I applied for a job at Columbia University as a janitor. You told me this. It's because you want to get in New York so bad. Yeah. And it's like, dude, I wouldn't even mind doing that. Pay me $20 to $25 an hour, dude. I'll fucking sweep the shit out of the halls, bro.

You can get $20 to $25 an hour and just pick up shit? Yeah. I mean, New York, I guess. I mean, the salary estimates. I mean, it's New York City, so it's not that much. But you can still survive. I could still survive out there with that much. By playing with shit?

Yeah. Just, dude, I'd fucking, much. By playing with shit? Yeah. Just, dude, I'd fucking, dude. I'd fucking crush it, dude. I'd just run into one of the classrooms. Like, yo, is this fucking Joey's Beef Barn? Just fucking take a dump, dude. I always hear this shit from you, but, like, what is Joey's Beef Barn? It doesn't even exist

see there is this place like the beef barn the beef barn isn't it like a great fucking restaurant so you just like took that slap on joey it's all everything i do like comedically is like just to confuse people like it kind of makes sense but it doesn't at all so like that's that was just like the catchphrase like in college and then after college like whenever i got drunk i would yell that like a group of people like yo is this joey's beef bond i always think about like if you were like going down the road though and you just lowered the window and yelled at something like a family or something. Like, hey, you know where Joey's Beef Barn is? Get some sweet old lady.

She's like, no, I'm sorry. Yeah, man. It's just, like, a random fucking thing. Oh, God. Dude, the Beef Barn is a fucking solid restaurant. You been? Yeah. I've never been. I got some solid beef, man. That's in Woonsocket, too, good. But, dude, the Beef Barn is a fucking solid restaurant. You been? Yeah. I've never been.

I got some solid beef, man. That's in Woonsocket, too, dude. Right here. Oh, is it? Yeah. Dude, I don't fucking... All I do is go to work. Really?

No, it's like I just go to work, go home. Dude, so, uh... You fucking... You dated a girl, though? Yeah. We're gonna get into it, dude. Huh? What happened?

Oh, but, uh... Well, happened oh but uh well um tell me the truth don't lie either dude what's that tell me the truth too i'll tell you the truth um i started dating this girl i was working with uh over this fall semester so like our contract was each semester she wasn't there in the summer she was there there in the fall. Um, I was like, I was like, fuck, I'm done with this shit. Like I actually quit like a couple of weeks early cause number one,

I was sick of it. Number two, there was no money to be made. Um, so I went home. Italy or like, where was this? What's that?

Where was this? In Florence, Italy. Yeah. Okay. So, um, yeah.

Um, yeah, I go home knowing, you know, I'm going to get a fucking real job and, Yeah, okay, so, yeah. Yeah, I go home knowing, you know, I'm going to get a fucking real job and stop playing fucking Carmen Sandiego, traveling the world. Yeah. And she's going back for the spring. But it's just, like, things are going well while we were there. It's just like, all right, we'll just, like, try the distance thing. while we were there um it's just like all right we'll just like try the distance thing and um it just didn't work out because like the running joke was like the two most opposite people in our

company started dating like this girl is like really yeah this this girl went to um she went to school up north um and is very like i want to say, like, crunchy, like, hippie, like, but. Yeah. And that's, like, not me. And she, like, smokes a ton of weed. I don't do that. Yeah. That'll get you rock hard, though, dude.

That and some beet juice. What? Weed and beet juice? I mean, dude, like, personally, like, I mean dude like personally like I I don't like like boring girls like I think like a girl

with like a full bush who like owes money to the IRS like that'll turn me on yeah yeah I hear where you're coming from you know what I'm saying keep things interesting

yeah dude like I'm at that age bro where like a freaky chick, man. That's what it's all about nowadays. I mean, dude, I mean, I don't know if you'd rather, like, you know, date a girl who's gonna, like, write in her blog at Starbucks over, like, a chick, you know, has a fucking criminal record.

Oh, my God. If they're hot, obviously. Yeah, you know, that's a tough one. Like, would you rather date, like, the completely basic, like, zero, like, blank personality girl from Instagram? Or, like, the one who's at, you know, in fucking in and out of jail, like, smoking crack on the corner? Yeah, like, at least you're going to have a good time with, you know, the other chick. That's what I'm saying. Dude, I just feel like there's so many girls, dude, who, like, don't want to do anything.

Like, dude, the girls that are... Like, don't have hobbies? The girls I work with, dude, like, I listen to them talk. Like, this one chick, dude, her boyfriend dropped off flowers on Valentine's Day, right? You know, wicked romantic, whatever. I don't give a shit. I'm next to her, right? She gets the flowers, and we're, like, waiting to see how she's going to react.

And she just goes, yeah, I'm going to break up with him in two weeks anyway. And we were like waiting to see how she's going to react. And she just goes, yeah, I'm going to break up with them in two weeks anyway. And we were like two weeks. Yeah. She's keeping that pocketed for two. She has like a time period set, dude.

I was just like, Holy shit. Like girls are fucked up. But like you like try to figure out, like, I don't even try to figure out. I can hear them like yelling about it. Like they'll just talk about how like they just want to go home,

drink wine and do nothing. But it's like, yeah, you got to get out there bro it's just like what are your hobbies uh like wine and netflix yeah like you got to get out there man do something crazy yeah that's why i'm always doing crazy shit man and that's what's great about not having social media too man yeah you can just get out there motivated to do crazy shit yeah it's like no one's like judging you yeah you're not trying to get anyone's validation like and then like dude it never bothered me but like i feel like we've lost a lot of great men you know what i mean like you have any friends that are like completely whipped oh like to girlfriends yeah oh yeah of course it sucks dude like they're like if you want to do something with them they're like nah like i'm hanging out with a girlfriend but like they're not even doing anything it's like what are you guys gonna do and he's just like let's just play grab ass and

watch netflix come on man like you know let's live it up dude yeah you know that's that's kind of what you know the basis for a relationship is now at our age which is kind of sad but i feel it should be different man like what do you think it was like in the you know the 60s to the 80s maybe even the 90s a little bit probably just play grab ass and like listen to yeah i mean they'd at least they'd at least do it at like a drive-thru though what they'd at least do it at like a drive-thru though dude start fucking throwing corn in the cob at people you know what i'm saying oh yeah i mean dude imagine like living in like living back then dude just wearing fucking straight up like tight jeans with like a like a

letterman jacket just blasting acdc and just finger banging some chick that's kind of the look nowadays honestly really like yeah i mean Fucking skinny jeans are back in, like. No, dude. Most of it's, like, just dudes who look like they just made, like, a rap album on Shutter Island. And they're just absolutely crushing it. SoundCloud rappers. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, what do they call them now? E-boys. Is that what they say? Is that what they say? E-boys are, like, the fucking, like, TikTok guys and shit. Dude, you just got to be like attractive to get women nowadays and like be able to handle like the dense conversation like dude if you can

get past that just like dense dense conversation dense like boring like dry yeah yeah like not even that just like dishonest oh yeah like that's why conversations with girls and I do 30 seconds max. Wow, you think they're dense? I just tell them how it is. Oh, yeah? It's just like, so I like long walks on the beach and reading books, and you're just like, I just farted. Yeah, pretty much sums it up, yeah.

Yeah, they run away and yeah i mean that's what i'm saying though man hopefully i find like some freaky chick though dude some fucking like leather jacket chick yeah it's like motorcycle chicks yeah yeah i don't know man i don't i'm still listening to like classic rock and just like contemplating the meaning of life, you know? That's what it's all about. That's what I was asking you. Like, I wonder like, I was wondering what chicks were like down there.

Maybe, you know. Classic rock is a bigger thing down South. Really? Yeah. Cause like, I mean like tailgates and like darties, like day parties are like a huge thing. And you always have like an actual band playing like actual music and not like, tailgates and, like, darties, day parties are, like, a huge thing. And you always have, like, an actual band playing, like, actual music. And not, like, you're not listening to, like, fucking Skrillex.

But, yeah, like, we all have, like, a, we had, like, a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band at one point. Like, I fucking, I ate that shit up, you know. You ever think about, like, doing something random at those parties though oh all the time yeah like what screaming shit like everybody's like having casual conversation just screaming shit that always comes back to that fuck yeah that's all I think about dude

when I go out and I'm like trying to explain it to people man I just I can't dude like my boss my boss is like a pretty chill guy yeah and I was just like

the other day I was just like dude I'm just gonna send it so like I walked in his office I walked in his office. I walked in his office, and, like, I just started, like, a casual conversation. And he was like, yeah, dude, like, I went to the gym this morning, man. He said this or you said this?

He said this. He's like, yeah, I went to the gym this morning, man, and I'm a huge fan of the water rowers. And I was like, yeah, man, that's hot, dude. He's like, yeah, dude, I think it's one of the hardest workouts. And I was like, oh, that's cool, man. So I told him the story about when I tried CrossFit at Diamond Hill CrossFit. And I'm telling him this story in depth. So I'm like, yeah, dude.

I used to do CrossFit at Diamond Hill CrossFit. And before every workout, dude, this guy Keith, he'd get us amped. Like he'd give us a motivational speech for legitimately five minutes. Like he would put his heart and his soul into this speech. That's the most CrossFit thing I've ever heard. You know? So like I had a bunch of moms next to me and like a bunch of old dudes who just have like, you know, timeshares. And this dude's giving like the most passionate speech ever so the workout was like you would row and then you do box jumps and you go back and forth pretty like typical crossfit workout

so he's like all right everyone get fucking ready to go so he's just like three three, two, one, go. Dude, I leaned back on the rower and I fucking ripped one. So loud, dude. Like legitimately bounced off the walls, like vibrated the whole building. And I just sat there and laughed for like 15 minutes straight. Like I couldn't move. Here's the worst thing about those rowing machines, bikes, things like that. Yeah. here's the worst thing about those rowing machines bikes things like that yeah it's like if you're not wearing like compression shorts like there's a good chance you're gonna like sit on your balls

oh yeah that's exactly that's probably what happened but dude i fucking ripped one so loud that i was just like paralyzed and i'm like laughing my dick off and all these moms are next to me and they're like like everyone heard it but the moms are like wicked disturbed like i've never seen like a group of women so disturbed just mortified like they're dude there i thought one of them was like legitimately gonna like leave the place and i'm like i'm like trying to push through it and like the keith came over he's like dude like you got to do something man like you know you got to finish the workout or either go to the bathroom and i was like all dude, like, you got to do something, man. Like, you know, you got to finish the workout or either go to the bathroom.

And I was like, all right, man, like, I'll try to finish. So I lean back again, like, as hard as I can. Fucking, dude, I do the same thing. Fucking absolutely ripped one, dude. And at this point, dude, like. Like, loud. Yeah, my ribs are, like, collapsing. You're like, I'm fucking laughing my ass off.

And, dude, as i farted like the woman who was next to me was trying to do box jumps so like i fart and then she tries to jump on the box and legitimately fell so like i'm telling my boss this whole story i'm like dude this is gonna fucking crush like he's gonna laugh his ass off i've never seen someone so confused in their life like not even a flinch dude not even like oh that's cool man you should just like a story yeah i was like oh response oh i was like dude this is gonna be a fucking grand slam and he was just like yeah now i gotta finish this work up so by the, you're fired. Jesus Christ. What makes that ten times funnier is, like, not only did you... Not only did you rip ass on consecutive rows,

but you're pissing your pants laughing about it. In a CrossFit gym, too. Oh, my God. Dude, they take that stuff seriously bro like dude i've seen some chicks with gnarly camel toes like some of them like dude they wear shorts like up to here dude like imagine a guy wait like the leggings like dude the chicks there legitimately they'll wear like a crossfit like Reebok shorts. Right. Like this high.

Yeah, they're like volleyball shorts. Yeah. Like cheeks out almost. Like, dude, everyone just like casually has a moose knuckle. And like all the dudes, like if a dude wore that, I don't even know, man. Dudes do wear that. Really? You'd be surprised.

Compression? It's CrossFit, man. Anything goes. Kind of miss it a little bit honestly as long as you like as long as you like post about it on instagram and linkedin like then like you're doing crossfit right yeah do we maxed out once on the squats there and i farted too but like the kid behind me laughed so i was like all right guess we're safe farted max and now have we all i've been witnessing that just 500 on the back johnny's squad 600 Squad 600. You think you could fucking... You think you could get that up?

Like, if you fucking ripped? Because, dude, they take turns, so they're like... They're like all in a circle, like jerking each other off. But, like, dude, you take turns maxing out. So they'll be like, come on, Becky. Imagine if they were like, come on, Johnny. I couldn't do it.

Oh my god, I think I'd shoot myself. He's got 400 on your back. No spotter, dude. You just eat shit. Oh my god. Yeah, if that happened to me, dude, I'd just fucking... I'd hit the ramp outside.

What? What does that even mean? Like the fucking entrance. Like I drive right through the place. Oh my god. Just wear a helmet dude have the insurance take care of it. Dude imagine telling that to a fucking insurance company.

Be like. Oh bro I'm hurting. insurance company first day I work at an insurance company dude you pick up the phone it's me welcome to Joey's beef bomb insurance beef bomb insurance. Alright, dude. Well, this is fun, man. I fucking ribs hurt, dude. Yeah, dude.

I've been hurting the whole fucking time. Huh? You know when you get like a cramp doing like too many sit-ups and like you have that one ab like cramp up?

That's how I'm feeling. Dude, my fucking hip flexors get wicked tight when I do sit-ups. Probably because I have no abs so I'm just using straight legs. Alright, man.

Well, that was fun, dude. Yeah. Thanks for coming on the Johnny Slomby Podcast. That flew by. It's been an hour, dude. Shit. Yeah. It's been a solid hour.

Yeah. Time to go watch the news or something. Just screaming shit.