The Johnny Salami Podcast - Jonny T

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Jonathan Tillson is one of the funniest Boston Comedians I know. He's always been a great guy in terms of helping young comics like myself.

Like, do you jerk off? Do I jerk off? Yeah. I do jerk off. Yeah. Yeah. Because when I think about you jerking off, dude, I feel like there's like Josh Groban playing in the background, candles lit.

Is that what happens? I am very romantic. Do you mentally prepare for it for a while, or is it like- I mentally prepare. Yeah, it takes over my day. I'm like, I think tonight's a jerk-off night. Candles are almost burnt down to the wicks. We're going to have to get some more of those.

Is Josh Groban your go-to? I don't even know who Josh Groban is. Really, dude? You don't know that song, You Raise Me Up? I don't think so, but that's good for jerking off. That song fucks, man. That's a good one. No, I don't mentally prepare to jerk off.

That's one of my skills. So you're like one of those people who's just like, it just needs to be done? Not every day. Not every day. So it just depends on how you're feeling? I mean, if we're going to know each other, I'd probably average three or four times a week.

That's pretty average. It's a rookie number. I'm getting older. Really? I mean, it used to be fucking you had to do it every night. Or like what? Or something terrible could happen. I just wake up covered in blood.

Just like, oh no, what did I do? Not again. Well, dude, I feel like- Dead hooker. The older I get dude i feel like dead hooker the older i get i feel like the more enjoyable it is honestly well how old are you 24 okay yeah so still 10 year age gap still shooting fucking ropes you're a shooter uh dude i'm fucking taking out people's eyes bro wow yeah if there were people they're only getting more like powerful honestly yeah yeah if there was a woman there her eye would be gone you know i'm just saying dude i'm fucking lighting off rounds i'm very proud of you yeah very proud of you so you're saying like three to four times a week and it

depends on just fucking the overall mood yeah you know yeah am i in a good mood this week am i depressed am i busy am i not busy you, there are factors here. I feel that. For me, it's like I definitely take it seriously. I'm happy to hear that. Almost like I'm prepping for, like, a fucking javelin throw. Yeah. But sometimes I'm just like, it just has to happen. You know what I mean? With the world's shortest javelin.

Yeah. You're an athlete. Yeah. But I'm just saying, dude, if, if like because i talk about jerking off a lot obviously clearly i mean johnny salami now it's all coming together yeah so like if someone sees me with a fucking shirt and a tie on opening up a bank account for someone you know yeah if i'm gonna ask the customer anything related to jerking off you That's going to be like a red flag. I would say so.

You think so? Yeah. I mean, it's a wonder why you didn't keep your last couple jobs as long as others might. People think I'm weird. I don't talk much. But when I do, I talk about jerking off. It's just, hey, a man's got his interests. I'm not here to judge.

You've got some nice sports memorabilia on the walls, so there's more to your life than just jerking off. There's also ACDC. Yeah. Have you ever jerked off to ACDC? Yeah, when Angus Young does his little kick walk while he's playing guitar, I think it moves. Yeah. It's definitely moving, man.

Oh, it's moving. I mean, I think if people saw you i mean you kind of look like uh are you actually you're actually a mailman now it was a skit no way dude i thought you actually got a job no i made that costume really yeah you're not the only you're not the only one that thought that dude you just look natural i got mailman energy i was like honestly gonna hit you up and be like dude are you actually a mailman you're gonna hit me up and be like dude i need some letters yeah i need some references dude yeah how do you get in there that's a union job right yeah those are those are some pretty serious people man so are you in like a professional

environment though on a daily basis i mean it's all remote now it's all remote yeah i mean i i was like i'm in sales so i was going into different businesses and stuff but now it's just you know a lot of emails a lot of calls shit like that i can see that um but it's obviously flexible since i'm here at 2 p.m on a thursday yeah that's true i forgot what day it was honestly dude yeah but well dude when you started comedy didn't you like move from like tennessee or something yeah i lived in tennessee that's true. I forgot what day it was, honestly, dude. Yeah, yeah. But, well, dude, when you started comedy, didn't you, like, move from, like, Tennessee or something? Yeah, I lived in Tennessee. That's where I started doing it. And then I went to, I moved to Connecticut, and I started doing, like, a traveling sales job. And, like, I was just fucking everywhere, and I couldn't really, you know, concentrate on comedy much.

Then I moved to Rhode Island and worked at CVS headquarters. And that's when I really started to, like, ramp it up. Yeah. Then I moved to Boston. Yeah, because when people think about you,'s when I really started to like ramp it up. Yeah. Then I moved to Boston. Yeah. Cause when people think about you, like I'm not sucking your dick, but like people are like,

who's the hardest worker? Johnny Tilson. No, stop. Who writes the most? Johnny Tilson. Oh, stop.

Who has the biggest dick? Johnny Tilson. Well, so like when did that, now I know your line. Yeah. So like, when did that come into fruition?

When I become a hard worker? Yeah. Uh, well, I think with standup, like the first couple years you do it your your foot is like one you know you're like one toe in the pool first okay you're like okay i'm learning how to write i'm kind of nervous i don't know anyone yet and it takes like courage to get up each night and then once you have a little success like it just becomes an addiction where you're like all right i want to get better i want to get better i want to get better like h yeah it's like what it's like that h heroin yeah yeah and then you chase the dragon of laughter you know and it only comes back so often but when it does

oh baby so it was like a gradual it was a gradual thing like nothing happened to you where you were like like one great experience where i'm like all right we're gonna fucking pursue this yeah uh no i don't think so i think you just hate to bomb and then you get a taste of success and you're like oh god i want to get better at this you see the progress it's like when you go to the gym like the first month or two uh like if you haven't been going to the gym like okay this sucks and then one day you look in the mirror and you're like oh shit there is a difference you know and then you're kind of more addicted to it yeah do you feel like sometimes you don't realize how like effective putting in the work is like if you like miss a few nights and then

you try to go out i well when i was getting up like before all this happened it would be at least once or twice every night so like if i took two nights off or something i felt rusty when i went back really i did yeah i'm sure it's psychological, but yeah, I guess you edit your rhythm. Yeah. But at the same time, that second show of the night or that second mic or whatever it is, you feel like a king because you're like, all right, I got my feet wet already. Let's do this. Is it like a fucking mentality though?

You're like, all right, I already went up once. I know what to expect. Or is it kind of like- Yeah, like the glass has been broke. The ice has been broken already you know it's like all right here we go i'm out of the shell that makes sense do you think like your writing changed over time or did you always have like the same process totally totally yeah i think like i've talked to people about this i think your process is what changes if you like put in the work you try to do it often i think your process is what changes over time because you find like more effective ways to like mind the jokes out of your head yeah you know it's like okay because like

your first three or four years you're really just like uh you're like when you're thinking about jokes like you go all down all these dead ends like okay i'll do a joke about not being able to get pussy and then you're like okay but that that doesn't really work with someone who looks like me as much as it would work with someone who's... Like me, yeah. No, not you. You're a handsome devil.

Don't take that away from you. But stuff like that. And that's what you learn to not... And then eventually you train your mind to not even go to those places. It's a waste of time. Yeah. That's how I look at it at least.

Do you drink alcohol or no? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like every night? Not every night. Not every night. these are good interview questions yeah i feel like i'm with larry king r.i.p i have these all planned out dude yeah you just keep them in your head no it's like um well like even having like some people on just talking about uh that's something i noticed was

like sure obviously when i was in college doing it yeah heavy drinker yeah i mean everyone's in college yeah of course just chugging booze on the weekends sure that definitely affected my mindset so like for example like of course i'd write down an idea and i was just clueless i would just like keep going down that dead end like you just said yeah but like then you learn like it's a waste of fucking time yeah yeah And plus, it's also kind of like, to me, once you've concentrated on a joke for too long, it's not going to be funny because you're thinking about it mathematically.

You're like, what would be an effective punchline for this joke? All right, this is a good support sentence. When shit just comes to you, that's when shit can be great. Where it's just like, all right, I didn't put any work into this and it's fucking hilarious. It's not like it makes you giggle to yourself when you think about it.

So now it's like that's what I think I got better at. What I think comics get better at is like it's like you're thinking about subjects, but you're not thinking about them as deep, you know, so you don't get stuck in the mud of like the logic of it and shit. Yeah, so like you're a big like idea guy. You're like this idea is funny let's dive a little yeah i think so stuff like that once again the process changes constantly i used to write every word down you know yeah and then i i started writing like uh like one-liners

and then i do like i do kind of like an outline and i think that's what's the best when you have bullet points that you know you want to hit but they're not written out on the page yeah it's like once you tell it 10 or 20 times you kind of like smooth out the joke you know yeah i always like wrote down ideas and it always scared me writing down word for word what the joke was because i was like you get locked in the words yeah it's like what the fuck am i doing you know but like if i'm like eating a subway salad and like something pops in my head and I'm like, just the idea of this I think would be funny. It's the best feeling.

Sure. But it only happens so often. Do you feel like, do you get stressed out though when you're like, when is this going to happen? When's the joke going to get good? When is an idea going to pop into my head? I mean, I don't really have, maybe I used to have that problem. But now it's just kind of like

i always have something cooking you know yeah this is this is pretend this interview is happening uh like uh a year ago i would say like i have a lot of ideas coming in i don't write for stand-up anymore though you know it's been like a year or so um i don't really care about getting up on stage occasionally because like a you're rusty and b you can't you know rectify that by getting up on stage a lot to get better so it's like i've kind of disconnected from it until it's more back than it is um so i've just been doing like twitter online shit you know all that so like a total pivot which is a pain in the ass, obviously. But, you know, it's a work in progress. You know?

Yeah, it's definitely different, man. It's very different. I mean, I really like it, but it's not the same high. Yeah. I mean, I just remember before it all happened. I thought someone was breaking the house. It was just a fucking door. It's windy out there.

Yeah, dude. that's when i was breaking the house just the fucking door um it's windy out there yeah dude but um when i would write down stuff word for word i'd be like what the fuck am i doing and then like an idea would hit probably about like farts or something and i'd be like that's a good idea you know and then i would just roll with that like even if i was just talking about it sure i'd be more satisfied than if i was like diving deep into something just fucking irrelevant yeah yeah you know and that's what you learn to like it's like when you're like you remember being like a this used to happen when i was a kid like you start to think like you're funny and you make people laugh and then you take it a step further and they're laughing

harder and then you and then you go that step too far yeah it's over you shut it down and it negates everything else you just did right there. It's kind of like that. It's kind of like that, I think. And as a kid, it started happening less and less to me. You kind of learn, okay, let's not do that last step. But you want to at the same time. You want to push it.

And I think it's the same thing with a joke, where you're just like, all right, no, no, let's keep it here. Let's just keep it here. Let's just keep it here. I think that last part's funny, but the audience is not gonna you know they're not as sick of a puppy as you are take a sense of pride though to like take that extra step i would love to take would you rather get respect from like other comics for taking that extra step or just like play it safe uh i never i never play it too safe um yeah i mean the comics are all i

really care about i mean that's the balance it's like you want to get work so obviously the audience likes you but you know the best feeling there is is when a comic you respect likes to joke i think that's the best yeah yeah like they understand it but the like if you're yeah i mean you want the crowd to understand it too you know ideally ideally like the object isn't the bomb the i will i like to make people uncomfortable but the joke is written well enough that they still have to laugh at it now that's my goal now on the same yeah i do like a groan i love making old people feel uncomfortable you know

especially when i'm talking about having like six dicks or something dude like that's so satisfying just to see like but like honestly at the same time if if you're telling jokes to like a crowd with like you know it's just people with like gds and stuff like sometimes you're not going to get your reference where you are yeah yeah sometimes you're not going to get references but you just have to keep on yeah well you always do those like new york times op-ed jokes you know yeah i'm always topical man oh my god you know and they're just like almost just too top this is wakefield rhode island we don't get it we don't know what the fuck you're talking about here you know but do you think um do you think new york is more like topical like yeah yeah that's

a better scene i mean i i want to be there by summertime you know like full time yeah i'm gonna move there and yeah i mean it's just they take it more seriously yeah i mean i think you have more people that are really hustling more people writing a lot more people doing all the online shit you know yeah it's like a 24 7 thing yeah yeah yeah yeah and i mean like the thing i like that shit pushes you yeah i mean just like here but if you see someone who's not as funny as you and they're doing better than you you're like what the fuck all right how do i fix this yeah how do i get the better blowjob how do i exactly you know yeah what was uh what were you like is it like do you think you always had the same sense of humor how do you think your sense of humor came into play when you were a

child i think was there like a significant moment where you were like okay this all makes sense now ever since the rape i was a funny guy i was um no i I mean, I've always had a dark sense of humor. That wasn't racism. Took the extra step. Yeah, I mean, I've always had a dark sense of humor. You know, I think I was a funny kid. And then eventually, I was a huge stand-up fan. It was like freshman year, eighth grade,

I started getting into George Carlin, Chris Rock, and just started going nuts. Like, it became like my top hobby. Like to school had a couple buddies like eighth grade freshman year that would like also be in a stand-up and we just talk about fucking just oh that carlin joke how about this joke how about this joke never even like coming into my head that it would be a possibility to even pursue this and then uh when i lived in tennessee a guy i used to work with he did an open mic and i was like well i'm funnier than him let me fucking do this see what happens and then you just let it rip yeah like i said it took years to actually start doing it consistently but yeah

yeah i wish i did it sooner you know yeah that's what they all say i wish i did when was your age like starting wait like i think my first ever open mic i was 24 25 wow yeah yeah that would be so that but i didn't actually start i don't even know what a common time i mean does that even make sense like a common time to start no it's different no i think people i mean i know people that start in their 30s. I mean, but, you know, it's like if you want to be anyone. Yeah, I mean, I think then I started really pursuing it at 28 when I lived in Rhode Island. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's different for everyone.

That's kind of like a, definitely like a broad question. Like, when is a good time to start, you know? It's one of those things where it's like, yeah, you started earlier um you know because it gives you more time but i i mean i at the same time maybe i just like say this for like self-preservation but it's like you're definitely you have a more uh mature mind to like tackle topics yeah if you're a little older yeah there's no yelling maybe not with me but i mean i i know some people well i mean like i feel like 24 23 24 is kind of like you just graduated uh i mean because i remember when i was younger like a lot of it even when you go to open mics like a lot of kids are just like yelling vagina which is funny like obviously but it's not very creative you know very funny uh yeah well it just depends

where you are i mean open mics are full of shit so i mean like yeah you know go to an open mic and you know well especially around here like there's a stigma against open mics where like everyone who thinks they're a comic wants to think they're better than an open mic like first chance they get and i've always said fuck that because it's just like if you want more stage time so if you want to develop that joke where the fuck are you going to do it um so there's a stigma against it here um and that's why open mics have almost zero talent when you go to them because it's just like young young young comics so you think like for example if we were going to compare open mics like rhode island to boston you would say there's like a day and night difference?

No, no, no, no, no. Both scenes. Both scenes. Oh, really? Yeah. Same thing in Boston. If you have 15 minutes and you want to think you're a decent comic, you do the same fucking thing.

No one wants to go to a mic. No one wants to go to a mic. It would be me and like two other guys who actually got work that would go to open mics. And it's just like, you always have a new joke if you're writing you want to develop that joke you don't want to just do it in front of paying customers

so you want to get those reps on um the open mics are like the gym you know keep making that analogy dude are you just getting ready for the gym right now the gym i wore my workout clothes i see you there yeah uh got chestache coming up after this oh shit yeah yeah pop some titties dude don't worry about it gotta keep the old uh the old clunker in shape get that milk popping dude yeah dude churning it yeah you know you know i know what it's like you hit the gym i tried to you got some shoulders on you yeah i only do shoulders that's it yeah yeah i was gonna say scrawny legs yeah i don't have any legs dude that's okay you don't need those it's all about the attempt that's what pants are for

dude all year round all year round sweatpants in the summer fuck yeah i went to a beach in rhode island probably like five years ago and there was there's a guy wearing no shirt no shoes sweatpants on the beach i take some fucking balls such a fucking i would look up to him honestly i'm like wow this guy just got out of prison they're like here's your box dude t-shirt sweat pants he's like i'm going to the beach it's a hundred was it like spring lake or was it like an actual ocean ocean oh wow ocean ocean that's even more amazing look guy was probably like 50 had some old hard muscle on him yeah like i don't know if he goes to the gym but he definitely lifts thing lift stuff yeah like working class job uh it was a it was a powerful look you get hard i didn't get hard yeah i dug

i dug a hole um no i didn't get i didn't get hurt not even like a quarter it's a good follow-up question though yeah Yeah I mean dude Sometimes I see dudes I think you shouldn't do stand up You should just do this Yeah Yeah Just interviews

Have you ever been to a swim meet dude? Like in high school Like a high school swim meet I I don't think I ever did Really? Yeah Dude

Definitely makes you like Ask yourself a lot of questions Check those bodies Well yeah I mean you see like You're like look at that guy He's so smooth and long Yeah well I mean that's like Much like a sexy eel you see like you're like look at that guy he's so smooth and long yeah well i mean that's like much like a sexy eel that's like jeff from like history class though so it makes it even more awkward you know oh because you know because you know yeah you know

you sit next to him i only went to other high school swim mates so i didn't i like not knowing people that's only in the last couple years I started doing that. I'm the new coach. Jesus Christ. I'm the new coach. Tell me I'm not the new coach. Sir, you have to get out of here. You're telling the coach he has to leave?

Sir, you're not the coach. Well, do you miss not knowing a lot? Not knowing what? Just like anything. Because I've been thinking about this a lot with everything going on. Not really, just in general. Oh, what do you mean? Not knowing what? Just like anything. Because I've been thinking about this a lot, like, with everything going on. Not really, just in general. Oh, what do you mean? Not knowing that kids get molested or just not knowing about the world or not?

All of that. All right. Because you're so old and wise now? Basic math. You know what I'm saying? Like, I remember when you were younger, you just didn't really know much about anything, how the world works. I don't remember any math. Yeah.

Just like basic, not even basic economics, just like if I shoot a fucking propane tank, like what's going to happen? You know what I'm saying? Well, you're talking about a very young age. Yeah. I'm saying like- You're talking about like- Seven, eight maybe.

Tops. Tops. Yeah. Just like on the borderline. I've got a couple though. I mean, do you remember when you found out that gasoline was flammable and you're like, how can a liquid be flammable? That was like a moment in my head where stuff started to make sense.

I was like, I don't get it. It's liquid. Water is liquid. Everything's kind of water. How does that light on fire? I don't remember that specific moment. I'm sure that would have been a dangerous one for me though. That was a moment for me where I was like, alright, things aren't all like other things.

Liquids can burn. Holy shit. That's deep, man. I had another one of those too. I kind of had it on the tip of my tongue. I'll think of it. I remember I used to think disabled people were just naturally funny. And they are, but I didn't know

what it meant to have a disability. Because you laugh at them, you think they're funny. I laugh with them. I'd be hanging out with them. You think they're funny. I laugh with them. I'd be hanging out with someone. While they don't laugh. Yeah. While they cry. Well, that was one of the red flags.

It was like, why aren't you guys laughing? You know what I'm saying? What's your favorite disability? Probably anything chromosomal. That's the only answer. I'm not talking about like handicapped people like my favorite is just developmentally disabled people yeah is it developmentally or fundamentally um well it depends who you ask but uh i think developmentally is the uh the term they use now

write that down yeah but last time i went to a petting zoo i heard that a bunch so well like do you remember did anything ever happen in class where you were like all right that's a little fucking because it's all random you know i mean like i always like you said you have a dark sense of humor i would say i have like a random sense of humor so if like something random went down i'd be like the only one laughing something surprising yeah like deviance you know what i'm saying and usually i didn't example but yeah yeah i mean uh yeah there are a few things i can't find the humor in like do you think farts are funny i'm human that's what i like to hear i'm human as you fart this is the this is the fart off

portion of the johnnyami podcast, John. That's usually all we talk about. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for shaking it up, no pun intended, and starting up with masturbation with me. Oh, yeah. I just wanted to get right into it. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you don't know. We can cut it out if you don't want to. No, it's fine. I don't talk about anything I wouldn't want to be posted for the public. I mean, I was going to make that the highlight. I'm sure my coworkers and boss would love to hear about my technique and my jerk-off habits. Well, I mean, we're going to put it on LinkedIn. Yeah.

But back to the disability thing. Good views on LinkedIn. Back to the disability thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember being young. I used to hang out with this kid, Raj, dude. Raj? Yeah, he would fart and smash his head against his food.

It could be mashed potatoes, dude. You used to hang out with this kid? Yeah. How old were you? At lunch. I was in elementary school, dude. All right, so very young. So you remember in elementary school-

Was he special? Yeah, he was disabled. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Like chromosomally. You hung out with a disabled kid? At lunch. We weren't in the same classes, but at lunch. I can't eat around them.

Dude, you remember at lunch. They're open-minded. Do you remember at lunch when you would like have to sit a certain, like in a certain order? I don't remember that, but I was but i was just gonna were you at the cool table or the nerd table or do you go back and forth in elementary school it was like uh there was a specific order you'd have to line up in and sometimes your friend would be like that fifth person on that table so you'd get fucked man like you'd have to go all the way down and you'd just be sitting with random people. That sucks.

So that sucks. Yeah. And then in high school, you kind of just sit wherever you want. I was a nerd table. Then I graduated to the cool table in fifth grade. How did that happen? Is there a ceremony?

I think in gym class, I started kicking ass in one of the sports we were playing. I can't remember what it was. They were like, oh, Tilson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Tilson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Tilson. Oh, you're fucking an athlete. Come over here.

Good with the shaft. And then in high school, I think same thing. Freshman year, like dork table. And then played football. So sophomore year around. Wow, dude. Wherever the fuck I wanted, dude. Back and forth.

Just finger banging chicks, dude. Back and forth. Doesn't matter. Versatile. Yeah. Gym class is want it, dude. Back and forth. Just finger banging chicks, dude. Back and forth. Doesn't matter. Versatile. Yeah. Gym class is a lot, dude. I mean, if you're fucking it up at dodgeball. Sure.

You never want to be that fucking dork. Yeah. I think we were playing volleyball, honestly. I think we were playing volleyball, and I just fucking like, I had a feel for it around the net. Oh, wow. So you were like there before the ball came.

Like you knew where it was going? Like Dennis like there before the ball came like you knew where it was going like dennis robman with a rebound baby i'm all about the angles yeah all of you ever spike it at all or no oh i spiked really you know it's so stupid like i thought it was like my best sport and i played it in gym for like a year but my high school didn't even have volleyball or anything oh shit yeah you should have started like a club, but my high school didn't even have volleyball or anything. Oh, shit. Yeah. You should have started like a club team, dude. Like a non-profit. I have no leadership. Yeah, that's my problem.

Yeah. Could have like formed a union. I think I was too lazy, you know? Yeah. Volleyball, dude, that'll, if you watch women's

volleyball, dude, that'll get you going. Oh, yeah. Especially with the short shorts, man. Oh, yeah. You ever see a dude in those things? In the short shorts?

They don't normally wear the short shorts. I've seen some dudes wear those at CrossFit. Well, did you do CrossFit? For a short time, yeah. Did you? Yeah, like I said, I was just unaware. Fucking follower nerd. I was just unaware, dude.

Yeah. You know? And then I found out. It took dude you know and then i found out it took me some time but i found out you're like swinging ropes with fucking guys named chaz isn't for me i'm fucking i'm an individual i know better than this yeah it took me a while i mean even when you're younger though those things like finding out for me like what a disability was took like years dude i was like wait, that dude's disabled? That's your disability.

Yeah. He seems just like me. Yeah. I mean, we're so similar. But I'm normal. But that's where the sense of humor originated from. So I was just wondering if like- From retarded people.

Yes. All right. So when you were younger- That's why farts stick with you. That's my philosophy. That's what you're used to. That's my theory, though. It had to come from somewhere. Everyone thinks farts stick with you. That's my philosophy. That's what you're used to. That's my theory, though. It had to come from somewhere.

Everyone thinks farts are funny. But why? I don't think you can blame retarded people for that. You can't have these kids together with the normies no more. Now I'm giggling at farts at 24. What do you think makes your sense of of humor dark though like what was the origin of sadness i don't know i don't know uh my parents i think my parents have dark sense of humor as well uh yeah i mean it's just like i i kind of like to live by the philosophy that like

nothing is that sacrosanct you know like you can talk about everything so like once you kind of have that philosophy let your mind go to places that maybe someone else wouldn't yeah what's the difference between dark and like dark morbid and they're probably all related right yeah they're all correlated yeah i mean yeah i definitely have my things i don't i don't really talk about on stage i can't name them off the top of my head yeah but dude you're not talking about like crucifying cats on stage i if i thought i had like the skills to save myself i would i would if i thought i had an angle that i really believed in if you had a strong i used to have a joke about uh the like people that like strangle cats that hurt cats yeah and uh this only went so far but it just like like clearly they're doing it for a reason.

You know? And people keep hurting animals. So clearly, whatever the reason they do it for, clearly it works. They wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't work. How far did that go?

I really believed in the joke. Some open mics, it crushed them. And then you try to do it in front of normal people and they're like, who's this fucking monster talking about killing Fifi? What's the worst you've ever bombed

uh the one that comes to mind it fucking be humble i'm sure it's not even the worst really uh the one that comes to mind is that comics mohegan sun they do that peter pain thing oh yeah or like people go up is it the serious xm one serious xm and i wasn't one of like the people like one of the contestants i was considered the pro comic so like after the kids go up and they do like you know for anyone that doesn't know what we're talking about peter pain someone does a set and the crowd decides whether or not that person gets paid like 20 or 40 bucks or if they get tortured by a dominatrix on stage and then they bring me out as the pro comic so the audience can see what a real comedian

looks like but before they brought me up the judges uh had like a bride in the in the crowd up on the stage and very interactive and shit like that she spanked one of the judges and then they brought me out and like the bride is still going still walking back to like her party everyone's high-fiving or talking as i'm on the stage and just like i'm trying to adjust but no one's even listening and i'm doing 10 minutes and like five minutes and seven minutes and i'm just like wow you guys love me and this woman in the front row goes no we don't and it was just like oh my god kill me was there a lot of people there uh i don't know enough enough 150 i don't know 200 i don't know people dude yeah yeah so it was a bomb

where if it happened two years earlier it would have shattered me really but like i was experienced enough where i was just like you get upstage you just remove it from your head you're like okay that can't help me yeah that can't help me you know because it was that bad it was just like all right let's get rid of it just silence for 10 minutes oh shit you know do you feel like when you're uh when you're in a situation like that do you feel like time just going by like wicked fucking slow i mean unless there's an active heckler like at a certain point when that happens uh i just submit to this is this is the situation i'll get more calm as it goes on like maybe the first three minutes you're like oh

jesus christ this is a bomb and then around like minute four or something i'll just be like this is it all right then i almost get some bigger balls because you know you're just punching a wall yeah i feel like once you get punched in the dick once it's like bring it on yeah you know yeah uh no we'll see that's not that bad though it's not like anyone like threw something at you dude you know i've never had that i've never had someone try to fight me i don't think uh no i don't have a real horror story so it's not that bad no yeah

I handle my shit dude yeah dude you're fucking you're tough I handle my shit but dude when you go to New York like we just said

like obviously there's more intelligent jokes you know like people can kind of like dive deeper yeah I think so like do you think that's kind of like

what you're gonna I've kind of done my comedy down for the last four years so I hope I can still do it so like do you think that's kind of like what you're gonna i've kind of done my my comedy down for the last four years so i hope i can still do it so like what's the what's the process though like for what moving out there you're like all right i'm gonna go out i think the process is uh fucking send it no just move move out there and then it's really it's such a massive scene like each borough has a scene that, you know, I fully expect one or two years of just like, you know, toiling, learning fucking where things are, which shows to do,

who to know, who to meet. And then you just hope people take notice. Yeah. You know? And then I'll just give up penniless at 38 and start a new job, you know? You got to let your mind go to these places. Yeah. You actually think about that?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So you want to be like. I'm not sure. I try to think, like, what are the things that I don't let myself think about just for, like, you know, self-preservation. I don't know what they are though because i i tweeted something like this last week just like there's nothing you can say to me that's meaner than i say to myself you know it's just like you know you gotta let i think that's kind of like the dark sense of humor though like you you let your mind go to uncomfortable places yeah so like you're

thinking like if i go out there and get jerked off by a homeless guy at like 38 and it's over, but you've already thought about it though, so it's not like unexpecting. Yeah. So for somebody though... Yeah, but at the same time, I wouldn't move out there if I thought it was just like... So you have a true sense of belief.

Yeah, yeah. I think so. This is the only thing I actually have that with, by the way. Faith? The only true belief i have myself is with this where i'm like okay all right it's just a matter of work it's just a matter of work you know so yeah we'll see what happens you know i mean i believe in you john thank you john thank you johnny salami yeah no i think uh i think if you like put in the work, obviously, I think you're going to make some magic happen.

But I was thinking about somebody. I'm just thinking about other comics, right? Who think like. They're great. Yeah. So if something like that happened, they'd be like, you know what I mean? Shell shocked.

There's no plan B. Yeah. They'd just be like shell shocked. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a plan B. Yeah. They just be like shell shocked. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I think that's a lot of, yeah.

Comedy. There's no shortage of delusion. I think you can say that for any, for anything. Yeah. For any art. Yeah. I mean like you see some of the people that get up and,

uh, I was thinking of this, like if people needed to be told that they were funny five times in their life before starting standup comedy, how many less comics would there be? I think it would be cut down by like 90%. How these fucking people start doing comedy is just so insane. The delusion is just fucking insane. Where you're like, this is not a funny person offstage.

This is not a funny person on a podcast. This is just like, I don't even know. I don't know what this person is. Like, they should be an accountant. Or, I have no idea. But, like, no one has ever been like, you're funny. You should try comedy. You know?

Never. This is me you're talking about right now. I'm talking about you right now. You know? I just wanted to clarify. You had to hear it. Someone had to say it. No one has the balls.

Everyone just gives you. Everyone strokes you when they come on the pod. Yeah, man. You should have some references, I feel like. But don't you think? You need three references. Three references. Yeah.

Guy from work, guy from high school, someone else. Yeah, man. It's so interesting, though, because you could be the funniest guy in the world offstage, and then when you get onstage, it's like a different story. That's fine, though. Well, that catches up, though. That catches up. I heard Bill Burr once say, and I think this is true as well where he's like when you first start doing comedy you're

funny or off stage and then your persona on stage kind of meets and you become just as funny off stage as on stage and then all of a sudden you get bigger balls and you're even funnier on stage than you are off stage because you say things you'd never say to people in regular life that makes sense yeah so i i tend to think that's true like i think i was just getting to the point where like i was as funny on stage as i am offstage yeah waiting for that last part come on pandemic open up baby open up so do you think this was a good thing though or a bad thing like the virus for me or for you or for comics? Not for me, for you. For comedy?

For you. Yeah, I'm actually, if you asked me eight months ago, I'd probably have a different answer, something like that. I think the pivot I've had to make to doing online shit, videos and stuff, they're really valuable skills to have today anyway. Plus I started doing a podcast during all this shit, which you really need to have if you're doing comedy today so uh yeah overall you know a year a year has been stolen from me um but at the same time like i think like i'm learning how to write a script you know learning how to edit learning how to do all this shit that i would never have actually found the

time for when i was just in over my head trying to do stand-up comedy constantly so yeah i think it's overall positive um but i mean like the negative is clear you know just you know one year of stand-up progress taken away yes the progress is there did you make sketches before no No, I didn't do any. So you just started. I did stand up 100% fully. So I think I know the answer to this. You saw some of the sketches I was making, and you were like, I want to be like that guy. I want to be like that guy. That's what I figured.

That's what I said. No, but did you see that other people were doing it? Dan Hall. Do you know Dan Hall? Yeah, you know Dan. He did the spot. Yeah, Dan, he actually, i live in his old room you know in quincy so like he's tight with logan o'brien and those guys um and uh dan was doing videos and i was like all right what do i need to do what do i have to do so i'd like help him and help him film and then he started teaching me how to edit worked on some shit together and now um and now i could finally do it all on my own so i

don't need him for anything anymore um which is cool because at first like you're starting to edit you're like oh shit i need someone to green screen this hey dan can you find some time to do this but now it's like if i have an idea i can just do it which is cool yeah that's pretty cool yeah so yeah dan was kind of responsible like he got me doing all this shit like we speak very often and i didn't know him really at all before the pandemic yeah um but yeah we're always kind of trading ideas back and forth like hey uh you know what kind of hashtags do you use on this side you know how long should a video be here um all this little shit you never think about before yeah small stuff stupid little small stuff but once you know how long should a video be here um all this little shit you never think about before

yeah small stuff stupid little small stuff but once you know it then you can start thinking outside of the box yeah would you rather be uh if you had the opportunity to be an actor like a comedy sketch actor or comedian which would you choose a comic i don't i don't love acting i'm not very good at it so it it's like... Not like acting. Like you say like somebody was like, all right, we're going to give you this X amount of money to write your own sketches, like your own ideas, and act in them. Yeah, I mean, that would be fun.

I don't know. I don't know. I like stand-up comedy. Yeah. But at the same time, it's... I've definitely seen like like since all this shit's happened i've talked to other comics too like you can definitely see like the parts of your life that improve without it yeah we're like oh you know not every night i'm not in a bar every

night now uh oh i can catch back up on reading shows you know interests that i used to have before i try to get up constantly yeah uh so yeah i mean like i think the dream would be used to have before I tried to get up constantly. Yeah. Uh, so yeah, I mean like, I think the dream would be to like to have a writing gig, you know, during the day where you're actually making real money and then be able to do standup at night. I feel like,

uh, I feel like sketches, like you're bringing an idea to life, which is cool. Yeah. But I feel like a lot of the time, the ideas you bring to life, like you wouldn't really be able to do it justice on a stage you know what i mean yeah yeah they're totally different they're totally different

i mean that's the pivot that's what other than learning how to edit and shit like figuring out what's funny online is just like the first time you started figuring out what was funny on a stage you know like you first got up on a stage you're like okay this shit's funny to my friends how do i make it funny to a general audience and now it's the same kind of thing we're like i'll post something that i don't expect to do shit and it blows up then i'll then i'll post something i'm actually proud of i'm like this is fucking good i think i'm making progress oh 200 views just like i'm a piece of shit yeah no i definitely i totally agree with that and we didn't even get to, I know I asked you about drinking, but do you drink before you go on stage? No.

No. I mean, I used to, I think. But the last two years of stand-up, I stopped. I just can't, I can remember my jokes when I'm drinking, but I can't go in and out of material with crowd work. Well, okay. Yeah. I kind of like lose my focus and I can't go back into the joke.

Well, after I interact with someone, so I, but I'll drink after the show. Speaking of dark thoughts, it's like, yeah, I mean,

I think everyone's thought about this. Like I think in your life, if you're drinking more and like smoking more weed and going out more I think there's going to be more stories and more shit to talk about which might be delusional depends on your style I don't tell stories so it doesn't really

matter I mean maybe like from my perspective you have more experiences which you can draw material from but like I never tell actual stories like my life. There'll be something stupid that pops in my head, and I'm like, how can I present this? Do I make an uncle say it? Do I, you know?

No, it's like. Stupid shit like that. Well, what I've noticed is, like, most successful comedians, like, have had a drug problem at one point or another. And they can reflect on that and just be like sure you know tommy suck my dick like you know oh is that a common story yeah from the data comics yeah uh yeah i mean i what do they say like you know uh you know a lot of drug use is used by people with above average intelligence you know because you're you're thinking about stuff and when you're fucked up you know, because you're thinking about stuff. And when you're fucked up, you know, it's fun to think about stuff.

I think it would just be like the shit that goes down. You know, like if me and you are hanging out at a fucking library, it's not going to be as exciting if me and you drink 12 beers in the parking lot. If we were hanging out in a library doing coke, now that's exciting. You think that would be exciting? Oh, yeah. Like right off the table? You can really read on amphetamines.

Burning through the books. Yeah. It might be delusional, though. Just like, I mean, drinking is kind of delusional in a sense. Like the way you think. Like you almost think like you know more than you actually know. I think everyone handles it differently. Yeah, yeah.

It's like drinking and driving. Like it's dangerous dangerous and some people absolutely shouldn't do it but there are some people that handle it better than others there's just no doubt i mean like we all know the friend who has three beers and before he's even actually drunk he's already wild you know there's just like a chemical change in his head like it's like now i'm about to go fucking nuts yeah it's not surprising that guy can't drive but we also know the guy who's had fucking 15 whiskeys and you would never know you're like okay well i'm not saying he's safe to drive but there's no doubt he's safer than this other guy that makes sense so i feel like everyone handles their booze just kind of like differently how they

view it yeah like a true alcoholic just like this is what if you drink every night that's your sobriety you know like that's only when you feel yourself you know the morning and the afternoon you feel like a fucking shell yeah that's the depressing part though yeah yeah and then you have a drink and all of a sudden you come to life yeah all right you're like i can't i can't live like i can't be myself i'm quick again yeah i went a year without doing it and i felt that drinking yeah what i mean i'm pretty still I'm still pretty young so I felt like it was kind of boring

but like health wise I felt fucking unstoppable like I felt like I could fly the most I've ever gone since I started drinking, two months with two months and yeah you do feel healthy and once you don't drink for two weeks

you don't really crave it as much um because you're just like booze is like anything it's like coffee it's like anything it's just until you've had it you don't need it like you have your own way of having fun you have your own way of making excitement happen before you start drinking yeah then you can use it as a crutch it's the same thing with coffee it's like people want a long time without drinking coffee in the morning and they got up and they got about their lives just fine you know but then you have coffee you're like all right well this is the super charge i need that's true yeah like the espresso shot yeah but it's but it's uh you know you don't need it until you've had it

yeah that's true it's not like before you've had coffee you're not like something's missing yeah like no your body just wakes up and it's going to be fine. Yeah, and some people have like that addictive personality where like... Totally. Take it to another level, dude. Totally. That's something I thought about a lot. Because I don't want to be like that guy who fucking gets older, like especially in comedy.

And I mean, you see it a lot where it's like they have a fucking drinking problem. You know? Absolutely absolutely all too well it just looks so fucking depressing is this my intervention yeah I just like drop my coffee just bring it in hey hey but you have any whiskey I can put in this guy but I mean dude I mean I don't know if you're exposed to it but I'm exposed to it a lot man alcoholism yeah no just being like at a show like seeing alcohol present but like I don't know if you were exposed to it, but I'm exposed to it a lot, man. Alcoholism? Yeah. No, just being at a show, seeing alcohol present, but seeing someone with a fucking drinking problem.

With the comics or with just people? Both. Yeah, there are a lot of drunk comics. There are a lot of sober comics. You think so? Oh my God, yeah. Really? Well, I just mean like,

I mean clearly they were drunks. Yeah. But there are a lot of comics that were sober. It crazy because like if you look back at like the 80s and you think of those guys it's just fucking just alcoholic drug addict wild men yeah and now it's kind of like we've evolved a little it's kind of like like comics used to be like those just uh and still are but like those degenerate like cast offs like uh i'm smart but like I'm not meant for college. You know. And now most comics went to college. Yeah most have degrees.

It's kind of like bands. It's like bands used to just drop out of high school and fucking form a band. And now it's like oh well we met at UVM. Yeah but at the end of the day we're all just like really fucked up. You know. I don't do the blanket statement thing. I don't think we're all fucked up no uh no i don't know and everyone's like you have to be depressed to be a comic um i mean that works

for me but i but i like to think that there is a person who can just be a functional human that's funny you know conan o'brien seems like a nice normal functional guy uh and he's hilarious i know he takes antidepressants. Jesus. A lot of those talk show hosts are like raging alcoholics. Like Jimmy Fallon's a raging alcoholic. I say that, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think you do kind of,

whenever I watch, you ever watch Mad Men? The movie? Or another show? TV show. No. Saw the porn out. It's just like oh was it good i'll have to check that out i had like six stars was it filmed here yeah uh mad men's fucking great it's one of my all-time favorites but it's like you know early 60s businessmanship

and just literally pour a drink at 10 a.m you know together in the office it's like i don't want that life but at the same time there is something i like about it like romantically oh just like i know it's a short life i know it's not necessarily a happy life yeah but it's a pretty cool life in its own way yeah like what are you going to be doing at like 70 80 anyway nothing it's gonna be a walk but when you do that your 50s are so much shittier than they would be if you didn't do that. Like health-wise? Yeah. Yeah.

You ever seen just like a townie drunk who just gets hammered every night at like 48? He might as well be 65. That's true, yeah. You know, he moves slower, creakier. That's a depressing thought to have, too. Yeah. Well, some people have that philosophy, though. They're like, I don't want to be 60, 70, 80, so I'm just going to send it now. Yeah, I i don't want to be 60 70 80 so i'm just gonna i'm

gonna send it now yeah i don't necessarily want to be either uh but you know my 60s i should live through my 60s i feel you're gonna be like a funny old guy i hope so like you're gonna do random shit uh i don't even know what that means like Like just walk into an Ocean State job. Like prank people. Doing pranks in my 70s. Gotcha. I mean, I hope I have the mentality. Mom, this old man just took my nose in Walmart. I hope I have the mentality to look back and be like, that's what I promised myself.

Who knows? I mean, it's easy to say. I mean, most people become as stiff as they get older. It's like most people become conservative as they get older. So it's like most people become you know conservative as they get older you know so who never say never i mean i i think i don't think that'll be me but yeah how strong am i i ain't impervious it's true yeah just because i'm a perv doesn't mean i'm impervious i'm gonna be like the old guy who just does like really random shit though like that's what i hope i can i hope i can look back and like.

Like what? Surfing? No, just like walking to an Ocean State job lot. Naked? With a strap on on my forehead or something. Yeah. Because nobody's going to give me shit. No, they'll ask you to leave.

You think so? Sir. Sir. Sir. With the strap on your head and then you look behind you. They're like, no, you. All right. All right, Johnny, it's been an hour, man. All right.

Well, thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure. Should I plug my pod, my username, my shit like that? Yeah, I mean, I don't know how many podcasts you're on right now. You have one that's Recoil Now. You're still doing that? Yeah, I've got that. So Recoil now on all platforms and then follow me on twitter instagram youtube at jonathan tilson

two l's in tilson don't give me that one l bullshit that's it that's all you're on so you're not doing the other podcast anymore no that's the only one right now it's just completely gone dude where's my goat yeah uh we're doing a final episode tomorrow night dude where's my goat yeah we're doing a final episode tomorrow night dude where's my goat everyone hilarious pod listen to some backlogs fuck dude that's emotional man I know

sorry for your loss big tear alright Johnny well thanks for coming man thanks dude thanks for having me one last thing no that was it man

that was it no I thank you for coming dude alright end on a high note, baby. That's what they say. I'm trying to like not be emotional. No, I'm just kidding. No, thanks for coming, man.

You've always been nice to me. One of the funniest comics I know. Oh. Thanks for always answering my Facebook messages. Oh, yeah. You do send me a lot of those. Yeah, about advice and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've always been there for me, John. It's my pleasure. I wish you the best in New York. I'm here for you.