The Johnny Salami Podcast - J.P. McDade

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

J.P. McDade by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I'm falling bad each night I lie. And I think of you and cry. And I tell you one of us.

Bring back my love. All right. You ready for war, dude? Let's lock in. Let's fucking go, dude. Let's go. I'm airplane mode. You're not a big caffeine guy?

I am kind of a caffeine guy, but I'll try to limit it to the morning because I have something after 2 o'clock. Espresso shot? I'm up all night. Are you just raw dogging it? I'm cold brew raw dogging it, yeah. Fuck, man. What type of machine you got?

I don't have... No, wait. I have... Well, my girlfriend has like a Keurig type thing, but I don't even bother. I just go... I've been hitting kirkland brand cans holy shit from costco costco they're rocket fuel dude it's crazy 250 grams of caffeine or something 250 milligrams of caffeine in each one of them so that's like

more than a cup of coffee dude yeah yeah you're trying to rock it after that yeah dude costco fucks man it's just a war zone in there. It's chaos. First time I ever saw, like, racism up close. It's just a 1950s Alabama bus in there, dude. It's a sweat bus. It's like a live roast, dude. You know?

It is very... Yeah, that's actually where Ted Sarandos at Netflix got the idea for the live Tom Brady roast. They went to Costco one time. They're like, wait a minute. What if we just did this? Straight up light bulb, dude. I get so angry when I'm in Costco. Oh, my God, dude.

People don't know. It's like they've never been around people before. Yeah. I mean, dude, it's the Asians, man. It's the Asians. You like see the racism there yeah and then you start hitting like the reddit threads and shit you see an incident at costco you're like wait i gotta investigate online i gotta get the reddit threads have you known about like uh like racial beef before uh like you moved here like did you already know what was good

i was i was aware of of america's history of racial beef that's about as far as i went i grew up like in the surrounding suburbs of new york my whole family's from new york so like i kind of knew the drill a little bit going in yeah everyone likes to everyone likes to claim they're the victim like from an irish family and everyone's like oh man no one would give us jobs they would throw rocks at us it's like we were fine dude because when i went to costco for the first time i was just like straight up d-day dude that's god you know i saw the uh i saw this black dude almost he almost fought an Asian dude. Yeah.

I didn't even know they had beef with each other, man. Was this before Stop Asian Hate? Might have been during, dude. Yeah, the tensions flared up. Yeah. During like 2020, 2021. Yeah, this was probably right when I moved here. This was probably like one of the first weeks I moved here.

I was like, first things first, dude. We got to hit up Costco, you know? Get situated. Yeah, but dude, the lines these guys were dropping back and forth. I was like, this could be recorded. Like, this could be a legit roast. Oh, hell yeah. You know?

But yeah, I didn't even know about that beef, dude, you know? The beef was there. Well, I feel like we were all blindsided. We didn't know that the black delegation and the Asian delegation were at at war like that yeah then it popped up in 2020 people were getting punched yeah old asian ladies were getting punched and then i think i think they had to sit down or something they're like hey let's squash this yeah squash this beef dude i think they squashed the racial beef yeah so you got the hispanic people are like in the middle of it all you know yeah with like the taco stands and shit you know they got to keep the peace to preserve the taco stand business yeah i used to have a

black friend in college dude we would always walk by this uh taco stand in the city and he just like every time we walked by he would kind of get like a little upset and i just never put you know one and two together he you know he was upset he had beef with the taco guy i think so yeah no pun intended but yeah there's some sort of beef there i looked it up on reddit dude i couldn't find much but okay i think it has something to do with like territory like taking up the streets i see you know yeah yeah it's kind of just like so it wasn't like over a transaction at the time it was like this is between our people yeah this is my block yeah you know you know you serve tacos somewhere else yeah this isn't

this isn't your block it's like a real the wire situation um with tacos but at costco man anything could happen yeah and you think it pays off though like when you go usually like you deal wise you know like you're buying in bulk and shit you feel like you walk out of there kind of like see that's what i wondered because you get the feeling like you you pulled one over on them you bought in bulk you got all this stuff you got these great deals but you're paying for the right to get those deals so i think you got to go a bunch of times for it to pay off i think you just need to be good with like excel and shit yes you know you got to have like 60 a year right and then you got to factor in everything you buy i think they fuck you over with like uh just like miscellaneous shit they sell oh yeah you know i bought like star wars tubbleware and shit it's like 500 dude i was like fuck you guys got me but it's like where else you're gonna find

this you know yeah they got a star wars exclusive over at pasco dude i get so angry in there though sometimes i think about seeing like a therapist because of it yeah you know no it's just for real like i've never been that angry before it flares up no i think it's normal i think it's because people are people are walking into your heels with their big carts and the people are walking out in front of you and they're pushing into each other it's the asian well dude if you go on reddit which obviously reddit's fucked but it's so fun to like go on reddit and look up shit i like look that up r slash costco search asians is this a problem ever no why the only one we love the asians asians might be the ones who broker the peace because i remember i worked at this day job out in Queens, like way out in Queens for a couple of years recently. And there was one time me and this Asian customer dude, he didn't speak any English. And we both wound up speaking Spanish to each other to get the Hispanics. You feel like you knew him in another life? Maybe. We were

conquistadors together back in the day in the Spanish Inquisition. Asians are always in the way, dude. Dude, so if you look it up, it'll say that in Asian countries, it's so overpopulated that they're always so close to each other. They're so close to each other but they figure it out yeah they find a way they get

it done they're like peacefully close singapore no littering japan trains always on time yeah they're they got it figured out over there even though they're like sleeping in little pods next to each other that just goes to show like how homophobic we are yeah you know we're all afraid of being gay dude and they're just straight up homos johnny salami because asians are in the way and they're all okay that's what i typed on why are they reproducing so much how do you figure that asians if they're all gay yeah well i thought uh i think china has like a reproduction problem don't they they cut it off they they limited everybody yeah like because like communism shit right back in the day yeah they said you could only have one why did they

do that again i think because they were worried about getting overpopulated yeah yeah but now it's like now they rock yeah they're trying everybody cool yeah yeah i don't get how it's like, now they rock. Yeah, they're trying to everybody. China's pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. I don't get how it's cool, though. Isn't it like a communist country? I don't know if it's cool per se, but their economic rise is cool. Yeah. The rise of the dragon. They're just all wealthy.

But that's the thing. I don't think even they're wealthy. They're making money for China, and China's becoming dominant, and the rich people are really rich. Like, the government is really rich, but the people are still kind of poor. They're just trying to, like, control shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Facial recognition. Dude, you know what? I don't want to talk too much about Asians. We love the Asians. Shout out to the Asian community. I actually saw a retarded Asian woman, like, a few nights ago, dude. Friday night, I saw a retarded Asian woman. Is that right?

Swear to God, dude. Special needs lady? Full-on downs dude yeah yeah at a show too dude really she was like kind of yelling out and i was like uh how do you handle that yeah so she uh she was yelling queens she was like queens just repping queens yeah and i was like yeah represent queens get the money and i was like oh like what are you doing in rhode island if like you live in queens and she was like i have insurance and i was like that makes sense she doesn't even want to bother with your questions she just wants to flex she wants to rep queens she wants to rep to rep her insurance provider yeah well she didn't even mention the provider though get her on the phone what is it blue shield what do you got yeah maybe like progressive or something yeah better be fucking good yeah if you're gonna rep you know she clearly wasn't very progressive yeah she was it's the insurance is obviously like covering a lot though

yeah like traveling shit getting her money's worth she drove all the way from queens to rhode island so oh damn that's a long drive man good job shout out to that lady yeah dude i didn't even know i thought they killed uh retards oh my god no dude really in like asian countries i thought they like legitimately killed retarded oh man i don't know i mean they do in like texas right i don't know the thing with texas is like if they'll have they'll have someone on death row and then they'll be like hey this guy maybe not playing with a full deck you know he might be he might be a little special and then they're like we're gonna kill him anyway yeah that's what we like to do did you ever look into that stuff death penalty uh just like them killing a retarded people in texas i haven't looked into

it too deeply yeah i feel like i've gotten the gist from like yeah comedy it's like one of those things where you're like yeah no that makes sense yeah yeah texas would do that they would do something like that yeah they'd be like what are we going to do not use this cool chair but it is uh do you think that stuff's like funny though like as you get older like the the boomer humor a little boomer humor yeah around then i'm starting to see a lot of it dude and it's it's hard not to laugh at you know what i mean love a good street joke boomers love a street joke well they just like to over generalize like a whole population of people oh 100 and that's i mean it's fucked up but it's kind of funny dude it's kind of cute that we like we just left them

the playground of facebook and they just kind of made it their own and they're sharing like their boomer humor memes yeah they're having a great time yeah they really have like that i saw a guy cracking up the other day he showed me a meme of uh a big truck full of coal and uh the meme said brb on my way to power all the electric cars yeah you got my ass dude so he's probably like what like 50s 50s 60s probably you think he's retired i think so yeah yeah see like i could just paint a whole picture just based off of that 100 yeah and if and if they find out you're a comedian what do they ask you like you tell me tell me a joke hey no they, what's it like being a comedian when you can't say anything anymore? Really?

They love to say that. Wow. That's a compliment, dude. And then they mentioned Blazing Saddles. Yeah. On cue. They're like,

yeah, you can't say anything. You know, you could never make Blazing Saddles today. Yeah. No, that's true. What I get a lot is,

oh, is this your first time? That's what I get a lot. That's awesome. Yeah. They're like, oh, that's true. What I get a lot is, oh, is this your first time? That's what I get a lot. That's awesome. Yeah. They're like, oh, that's cute. Like you still doing that little thing? You know? You have a hobby? Yeah, that's fun. I have a few friends who like their family thinks they're gay because they do comedy. Yeah.

Like they're just like, oh, you're gay? I think there's an undertone there. Yeah. You find out, you talk to a certain class of your parents friends they're like oh he's like a theater kid yeah like an adult theater kid who goes on stage yeah like a lot of italian families like if you don't work in like uh like for construction companies or like you're not a mechanic you know working at like town fair tire like yeah you're just gay you're gay for not having that or you better be like working at a deli at very least you better be cutting meats yeah dude you might be like the tallest irish person i've ever seen

thank you man it's pretty sick i'm up there you think the irish people look up to you yeah are you really that irish what are you like 90 i'm like 99 percent holy shit my dad's all my dad all his grandparents are irish and then my mom did the dna test thing and it came back 99 we thought it was going to be less so it's like i'm pretty much straightforward yeah yeah apparently i had a relative back in the day who was like 6 10. he's like the tallest guy in ireland holy and he's you did like the 23 and me yeah you have to jerk off for that or just i hope not because it was my mom who did it i I don't know how she pulled that off. You got to look up the history, though?

Yeah, my mom saw her ancestry. But that story about that guy just goes back through the family. He might just be a made-up guy. Just a legendary figure who went around. I don't know. Fucking everybody's wife in Ireland. Legend, dude. He would go from village to village.

In one village, there would be one really tall kid. And after he was like the Johnny Appleseed of Ireland. He'd just go around plowing ladies. Holy shit, man. Cranking out a tall baby. Absolute legend, dude. Yeah. And then they all went to the US.

I wonder like what those dudes are doing for 23andMe. I wonder if it's like, they got like some like call centers or something going on. Just like a dude behind a computer, just like making shit up. Yeah. Cause that would be sick. If you could just make up like a up like a you know story it's like you're lithuanian now yeah like if i had like a like a gay uncle or some shit like you just like made that up to piss me off yeah if you didn't like your tone over the phone it's like all right well here's a little narrative for you yeah you got a gay uncle pal what do you think would like what would fuck you up though

like history wise like in terms of like your family like if you found something out like what would be like your ultimate fear i descend from a number of cops like new york city cops so it could get pretty dicey there yeah they could have contributed to the racial beef yeah america's racial that's where all that costco anger comes from yeah that would be bad it's like deeply implanted from back in the generations i just started hearing bagpipes when i got my car thinking of old-timey slurs from like the 1900s is amazing grace an irish tune i think it's like scottish isn't it it might be scottish yeah that's a fucking banger it's a church it's a church banger yeah dude that gets church. It's a church banger. Yeah. Dude, that gets pussy wet, dude. I like church and shit.

Hondo P. Hondo P. Pussy wetting. Even at funerals. Yeah, dude. That's all I'm thinking about when I'm at church, dude. Like, I wonder if this gets to, you know, start some like flash flood warnings and shit. Yeah, yeah.

And wooden pews. Wouldn't be a bad question for like the the priest yeah it's like bro do you know when you're up there killing amazing grace that'd be funny if you just like because they like shake your hand afterwards like after every mass if you were just like flash flood warnings brother he's like what he doesn't have a computer. He just reads the Bible all day. Oh, flash flood warnings. Oh, I'll pray for them. I'll pray for the victims. Are you like religious or no? No, not really. I mean, I was raised religious. I'm not, I'm not against it for sure. But I think,

you know, I think as I get older, i think i might be like making a little room for that spiritual side yeah and some at least some like woo woo hippie stuff but then maybe who knows maybe i'll go back to christianity yeah you never know maybe a little bit both dude could come on them if there's a theory that jesus was a psychedelic mushroom i think i'm either gonna like come out of the closet for like not getting pussy or just like get back into religion. Come out of the closet for not getting pussy? Yeah, like I want to be the first dude who's like gay because he couldn't get pussy. Just like, hey man, I failed out.

Will you accept me? That's funny to think of being gay as like a safety school. Yeah. It's like I couldn't achieve. To be the first one too they'd have to they'd have to add a new letter yeah there's no way anyone's done that dude you know lgbtq ai plus and then jay yeah for johnny yeah just me dude i mean the closest thing we ever came to that was what that movie with adam Sandler and fucking. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

Yeah, it's like the closest thing. Yeah. Because they needed insurance, but they couldn't get pussy. So now we're married. Yeah. I do miss. I miss the chicks at church, though, man. Yeah.

Did you ever have some? You don't go to church anymore? No. I can't remember the last time I went. Yeah, I don't know about you. the church is all a little sketchy you didn't have any like uh you didn't have any puss at church when you're growing up i don't think puss no i don't think puss was really involved but i mean there were every now and then you'd see the girl you have a crush on yeah things like she's with her family you're with your family no i didn't mean seeing like actual pussy no and she would flash you her pussy

well i was you know i was catholic so that's part of the mass a woman goes up on the uh on the altar right after communion and she just shows she lets it open to the heart yeah well amazing grace would be playing dude yeah yeah dude that would be the sickest occurrence. Open your books to Amazing Grace. And then just puss. Oh, my God. First time at church, dude. They would have full pews forever.

For church would be sold out until the judgment day. Well, dude, they started opening up like daycares at churches. Right. Because they're going out of business. but like they should have just done that have some chick open up her legs to amazing grace dude you know which business you'd fucking attract dude crazy dude i mean how many comedy shows would sell out if you had the exact same attraction oh my god there's gonna be puss that's the naked show in a nutshell yeah whenever they do naked shows like hey see some beef i mean i might even like i wouldn't even watch football on Sundays. Yeah.

Just go to church, dude. Skip playoff football to go to church. Or just do like NFL Red Zone on my phone. Right. And while you're there. See pussy. Yeah. Just mute it.

Just turn it all the way down first and just be like Red Zone. Put in the little holder thing for the books. Yeah. Dude, see like a pick six and pussy at the same time to Amazing Grace. Now we're talking primo occurrences. Yeah. That would be a beautiful thing. Yeah, I hope fucking churches are listening to this.

Yeah. Get your act together. You think they go to like town council meetings to like present some of those like ideas? To like pitch? Yeah, like do you think the daycare idea came up in like a town council meeting? I think I was in a daycare church when I was a real little kid. Really? Like, they had this special room downstairs for the little kids who were going to be annoying at church,

and they just, like, let us, you know, run around and hurt ourselves while our parents were at church. Yeah, I think we had the same thing. I was so focused on the, like, a food court. Oh, yeah. I was just ready for that, dude. The little sternotres with, like, penne and, and like chicken piccata and stuff like that for after mass. You guys had fucking penne after mass, dude? Oh, shit.

That's just like the standard banquet meal. That's fucking sick, dude. We just had like brownies and like fucking. Like a bake sale type, dude. Yeah, I was eating fucking Crayola crayons and shit, dude. You sprinkle them on the brownie. Yeah, just eating a brownie like staring at some chick I had a crush on. Yeah.

Her name was Melanie. That's a good crush name. Yeah, especially that church, man. Yeah. We were in the same class, too. Just like thinking about her the whole time. Singing in the choir together. Yeah, she went to my high school, dude, and she kind of grew up to be like, we call them four-year kids at our high school

four-year kids like uh like wiggas oh i see yes yes yes kind of like uh malibu's most malibu's most modern style yeah yeah you know they would just hang out in the foyer and kind of like throw shit at people and dude that broke my heart man you know seeing that like knowing that i was in love with her at one point at church, and now this is like what, you know. She had strayed so far from Christ's path. I know, dude. I was like, if this is what Jesus wants, then I just have to let it happen. It's true.

Jesus loved the horse. I should have, like, at least, like, walked by her and been like, what would Jesus do? It's not too late to go back, Melanie. I got to find her on LinkedIn or something, dude. She has some nickname. She calls herself, like, M Block or something. She's some nickname. She calls herself like M block or something. She's not even Melanie anymore.

She's like a hard R on Facebook. Jesus wouldn't give up on her. Yeah. Yeah. But she's contributing to the racial beef now. Yeah. Hate to see it. Whatever, dude.

Church. I don't know anyone who was like, I grew up going to church and I loved it and I think it's great and I still go. Nobody. Nobody. Yeah. Like our age. Yeah, man. Sometimes I drive by my old church and I don't even think they're in business anymore, man.

Yeah. You know, that's crazy though, dude, that like you had penne and like. I don't know if we had that at that specific event. I'm thinking like if you're going to cater something. I love banquet food, dude. Yeah. Banquet food is the best. You have like a good banquet like where you're going to cater something. I love banquet food, dude. Yeah. Banquet food is the best.

You have like a good banquet like where you're from? Like a banquet hall? Like for, yeah, like decent ones like for like sports. Yeah, because you know that he played sports, right? Yeah, yeah. And you guys would have like a banquet meeting. A little year end, everybody gets a trophy party. Yeah, that's where the penne came out, dude.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. For VIP events. Yeah. Such as that with a little flame underneath yeah maybe a carving station would uh you play basketball yeah yeah basketball and golf in high school oh really and uh you know i played baseball growing up a little bit of lacrosse little hockey kind of did everything do you play golf in high school yeah that's fucking sick dude four years varsity dude we should go sometime man absolutely i can play today for real no homo we should definitely swing them where do you play around here played out at uh douglaston today with my boy noah savage funny comic all right uh i lost some money i'm heated damn so you're like

nice with it i'm okay yeah i'm like i'm like i'm single digit handicapped i'm just like decent i'm trying to get better, man. I just, like, I don't know. I see all these YouTube videos and stuff. Like, I'll watch, like, Bryce and DeChambeau and just fucking, like, shit my pants and, like, slip a disc. Yeah. Yeah, swing 130 miles an hour and break your back. But there's, like, that's where some primo boomer humor comes in.

You get into the golf stuff. Oh, yeah. Like a country club membership yeah do you have a membership or no you just not no membership but i uh you know one one of these days did you ever get made fun of for playing golf and i because i feel like when it was it might have been gay back then back way back like right before i got into high school it was still on the gay spectrum it was like lgbt and the gay the g was golf but it was like uh then tiger came along and it was like yeah because like when i was in middle school tiger started becoming very sick people were talking about like how much pussy he was

getting too yeah oh that came about like when i was in college like people were like oh i had no idea he was getting so much puss this is great i respect him respect him even more now. Yeah, dude. It was sick. Yeah, you can still, he's still getting after it, I feel like. Probably. Probably running like a few brothels or something. You can kind of see it in his eyes. He's single now, but he's out there. Yeah.

I think he's definitely very much out there. For sure. Someone caught him on camera, like, handing his number to a girl, like, on, like, in the middle of a tournament. Recently? A couple years ago. Oh. It was, like, respect. I mean, dude, he could fuck a girl like on the green i wouldn't care dude you know so if you look at the shots he's made and then it's like dude you can do whatever you want exactly you

know what i mean so you get it 100 damn that's sick though everybody loves golf do you get kind of pissed off that everyone's kind of getting into it now no i think i think it's all right you know some people are new to it there's going to be growing pains but it's good more people are playing yeah there's more out there for everybody yeah i shot like a 107 the other day dude go you know and i was trying hard to yeah you know grinding on a 107 yeah i just feel like some things like uh i mean like you're like what's your uh i don't even know handicap works, dude. I'm like an eight handicap. It's a complicated thing, but it's like, I should shoot like in the low 80s.

Yeah, so you're like nasty, dude. Okay. Is that like scratch golf? No, scratch would be zero. So like, scratch golfers would typically shoot 73, 75, somewhere in there. And then occasionally like 69, something like that. It's crazy, bro. There's levels to this shit yeah i'm just trying to be like because i'm obviously like retarded dude and i'm like trying to be like more serious about some stuff yeah because like

a lot of people just get mad at me for like not trying so i'm like trying to like actually try yeah just to see like what i'm capable of. There you go. You know. How old are you? 28. There you go. Yeah. You're right about that. It's that time. That Saturn return period.

Yeah. It's like I'm either going to be like, you know. How old are you? 35. 35. I'm just like. When did you like, were you like, all right, this is it. Like I'm either going to be like a closeted homosexual or I'm going to like make it happen.

The classic choice that every man must make. Will I be a closeted gay or i'm gonna like make it happen the classic choice that every man must make will i be a closeted gay or will i do comedy i think i like when i started doing comedy i've been around with it for like a couple years in the city and uh and then i quit drinking i was like all right i should get this get my act together and i was probably 25 or so at the time and i was like you know i'm not going to screw this up too. So like, I got to commit to this fully and just like actually give it an earnest effort and go for it. Yeah. Rather than just giving it like an 80% effort and then flaming out and never doing it again.

Yeah. 25 is pretty early, man. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like, you know some you start to see some opportunities you see people start to like get stuff and advance in the business or whatever and like you say okay it's possible i could totally do it yeah you don't want to be that guy who's like hammered

at a fucking show like screaming pussy yeah you know what i mean unless that's your act that's what you do yeah i still have those thoughts man yeah not like doing that on stage but the mics in the back like where the green room is where they like bring up the host just getting i always think about yeah you ever been to like greenwich village yeah it would be probably funnier than anything that happens in crotch village it would be in that basement dude awesome that's a scary basement basement with the column in the middle of the room yeah when i first moved here dude that was like one of the first shows i ever did yeah and i saw like the manager go up to that mic in the back room and introduce the host and

immediately i was like it would be so funny to like turn that on during someone's set queef bitch pussy boner farts it's like it's your first time there so just trying to make an impression you're doing the residency yeah god mike residency at the beacon theater does he introduce everyone like give it up for this fucking pussy jerry seinfeld yeah give it up for helen keller helen keller yeah man you think helen keller was for real dude have you seen that youtube video no there's a rabbit hole there i was just speculating yeah we looked it up once on the pod but it was so long like i don't know where the climax is of the video you know what i mean it's hard to like especially

with youtube like making all these ai generated videos now yeah it's tough that's what we're trying to figure out because it was in black and white and it was like this lady kind of offensive to helen keller yeah you know i know these colors yeah should be in fucking but dude it was like this lady who looked like ann frank's fucking uncle a lady who looked like ann frank's uncle and she was like all right helen you know like let it out yeah i don't even know helen keller could fucking speak dude you know yeah but at the end of the video she starts making sounds and it literally sounds like what you would scream in like the middle of like a history movie like during class uh-huh just like the most random sounds ever it's fucking hilarious

dude just like like like a bully in the back of the classroom just making noises to be disruptive um it would be like a special needs kid if he was like deaf i see yeah and we could all do the voice if we want yeah yeah that's we wouldn't be doing it justice trust me no it's funnier than anything yeah but it makes you think man like you think the hype is real and that helen keller was uh was for real and not faking the funk yeah like when they introduced her in class like were you like yeah it's bullshit and when they introduced her in class i was like all right nice good job she was blind and deaf but she still did whatever she did she wrote a book but on the other hand people were

freaks back then like in the 1930s whatever That old lady who was dragging her around might have just been making everything up. Yeah. You think she was like a witch tamer? Yeah. She was 100% in WT. Yeah. Straight out of like a PS2 game. Yeah.

That's right. If you grab their hat off, they become docile and you can flip them on their back. Yeah. That's how you tame witches. That's how you do it. Yeah. Get them on the back yeah that's how you tame witches that's how you do it yeah you know on the back get the get back control you pin them back you pin them on their back and then you just kind of pet their face you can subdue a witch that way yeah well i think that's how i was a witch i think that's sorcery dude true yeah it works for sorcery as well wait was that uh i'm not really good with history that was like when helen keller was around

wait was that uh i'm not really good with history that was like when helen keller was around was that like during like the salem witch trials and shit it was not really no i think it was it was off a couple hundred years one helen keller i want to say helen keller's in the bible she's thousands of years old we would read about Helen Keller in church actually amazing grace dude that'd be sick if she

was dude in the Salem witch trials yeah I mean she'd be fucked right off the bat she'd beat the case yeah she wouldn't really be able to defend herself in court being deaf and blind and all. Well, like five seconds in, you think everyone would be like, witch. Yeah.

Because she just goes, oh. And then it's like, that's witch. Dude, one dinner party, she's out. That's a witch noise. Yeah. Yeah, one dinner party, she's ruining. Unless she had some homies, dude, who were like, yo, keep it down. Yeah.

Just like, keep it down yeah just like keep it yo chill chill chill chill chill yeah that'd be wild dude to see that for the first time like dude imagine never not even knowing what retardation is and then seeing that for the first time you gotta think it's witchcraft yeah that's gotta be your first your first guess that's like the first time you gotta think it's witchcraft yeah that's gotta be your first your first guess that's like the first harry potter movie dude it comes that was that's salem was the texas of the 1630s because they were just executing special needs people yeah you know yeah texas saw that and they were like yo it's running back yeah we got too many witches in texas they got a lot of of like Netflix stuff that's kind of like that now.

Yeah. Where they're like, oh, you're a fucking witch. You know what I mean? It's just like a bunch of like fucking hot chicks though, dude. Like a scripted show where like they're acting as like charmed? I'm trying to think. Yeah, dude, that's a good show to fucking jerk off. Dude, that was the best show ever

yeah until that commercial came out fucking sarah mclaughlin oh they started running that yeah like her tits were hanging out and shit just like dogs with like seven eyes was she showing cleavage in the dog commercial i'm pretty sure yeah yeah i wouldn't see why not dude attention grabbing yeah wouldn't you but the charm man charmed is always on at the gym in the morning yeah and it's like well you just get a little chubbed up on the treadmill watching yeah emotionally invested dude yeah getting nostalgic and shit keeps you on the treadmill longer which uh what was like your favorite witch oh i don't honestly know their names i've only seen like one or two episodes one of the names is is Chloe, maybe? Sure. Chloe sounds like...

I think they all kind of sounded the same. Sure, Chloe, Zoe, and Bro-y, whatever. Sounds about right, yeah. They replaced one of them. They replaced one of them with, like, Rose McGowan. For real? Later on, like, season five or something. She didn't come back.

They just brought in a new witch. It was probably, like, a boycott or something. Yeah, holding out. She's like an NFL wide receiver holding out for a new deal. Yeah, dude, they just didn't give her a good deal you just go you gotta go i mean if you're gonna be a witch dude like you gotta get fucking paid man yeah you know you can't be a witch for free yeah damn yeah that show fucking damn dude i get nostalgic thinking about that early 2000s had some beautiful yeah they were so hot too dude and then they had that one dude who was like a

demon with like the sideburns you see he looked like a fucking accountant dude and he would just turn into like the devil like in the middle of the day and oh yeah finger banging that chick yeah you were like this is the best show ever dude you know but i think harry potter was better than that you know harry potter's pretty good that was kind of like a stepping stone into like the harry potter sequel you know when i was like eight years old my mom went to london on a trip and she came back and she's like hey i got you this book it's real big over there it's called harry potter and the philosopher's stone huge book in england i was like whatever i'm not reading this stupid book and it was like i could have been on it months before all my classmates yeah got harry potter because they only had it in the uk blew my shot dude how did you like were

you emotionally like struck when you found out by potter no i don't think i gave a shit no just like knowing that you could have been like ahead of the game could have been ahead of the game i don't think it would have mattered really yeah yeah because you would have been telling people and they would have been like this kid's fucking yeah you know might hurt me in the long run yeah i just go around being like hey i read harry potter first before you did and like fuck this guy kid's a witch dude yeah yeah he's he's sorcery damn dude i wonder what which pussy was like though dude you know because like whenever i see these whenever i see these fucking films and shit yeah i'm like dude that chick's pussy's gotta be like fucking crazy bro real life witches are like the

mythical witches uh dude just fictional or whatever do you think um they have like a difficult pussy situation because they're riding on a broom i think it all has to do with like mental illness so like yeah that would definitely come into play they're in the bedroom in general they're going to be freaks because they're like they're witches they're fucked up yeah yeah yeah dude when i used to like think about role playing i never did this dude but i always thought about just fucking cast and spells on that pussy yeah you know what i'm saying just like if i was gonna role play yeah like voldemorting it from across the room yeah i think i would do like rosetta stone dude

just memorize like three or four sentences in latin yes get myself like a fucking wand dude just get after it yeah i'm saying get some mood lighting and just like maybe one of those um one of those orbs that you get from spencer's gifts with like the electricity oh yeah and then you put your fingers on it and it like charges up yeah and just fucking jerk off on it well then it's a lava lamp yeah have you ever thought about like you ever done role play or like thought about like what you would do i don't think i've done i've not i've not done role play i feel like it takes a lot, dude. Yeah.

Not only to convince a woman to do that, but just to like, really like. To get over the mental hurdles. Yeah. Because you don't get that many cuts, right? Like how many chances do you get? One take. Yeah, it's one take, dude. Saturday Night Live. It's all improv, dude.

You got to just get it right. Yeah. It is all improv. It's a lot of yes and. You got to yes and. I think you got to do something like, oh, we're roommates. You know, we shouldn't. We shouldn't hook up.

But it's either this or wash the dishes. Dude, how many guys do you think try to do that and just get, like, denied? Yeah, they get shut down. They don't get yes and handed enough during the role play. Cause like, there's gotta be a good segue, you know, like if you're going to do that, dude, you know, like you can't just be eating dinner and be like, Oh my God, my fucking leg. You're in the middle of eating dinner.

You're like, Oh no, I'm stuck in the dishwasher. I'm stuck in the washing machine. It's like, you're like, oh no, I'm stuck in the dishwasher. I'm stuck in the washing machine. He's like, you're the guy. It doesn't work like that if you're stuck. Yeah, you're like, oh my God. I'm stuck under this coffee table. Yeah. You're like, oh my God, if you don't suck my cock,

I'm going to pass away. You know? There's a nuclear missile headed toward Washington. If you don't suck me off right now, it's going to blow up up everything you're like a funeral yeah man that's got to be tough dude i just think about all the dudes who have struggled with that place it's gotta be it's gotta happen a lot oh yeah you know they don't communicate it and they just start role playing that might be worse than a breakup dude and just because it's like yeah

then you you break up with a character. That's even worse. Yeah. Just that fucking thought in your head. It's just like, wow, do I really fuck that up? Yeah. You know, but if you if you fucking smash out of the park to your legend. Yeah.

You know, it's kind of like the naked man and how I met your mother. It's a major risk reward. Yeah. Yeah. You're just going balls deep, dude. Just get nude nude go in there play a role yeah acting is like it's even more vulnerable than sex just like yeah you want me to bare my soul yeah in addition to do you have to do like object work you have to like pretend

pour yourself a glass of water and stuff like that i feel like doing the role play would you feel upset that you're like not being yourself you're just like that i feel like doing the role play would you feel upset that you're like not being yourself you're just like pouring the glass like dude who am i yeah i'm dr reginald mandrake dude it's like that movie fucking split oh he's got different personalities yeah that guy's probably off the walls right now yeah he's another movie where he's a crazy guy yeah you see that dude yeah i think he just he just got jacked like james mcfoy just got really jacked and he's like let's let's use this get me a bunch of roles where i have to be jacked yeah he's just fucking crazy in all of them yeah yeah he's just a crazy neck vein guy yeah he's gonna end up like fucking uh the dude from uh

the the joker right like heath ledger um hope not that would suck that would suck if you died you know just like playing that role all the time your family's like oh yeah fucking stop well it was um heath ledger but then someone else the other guy in like suicide squad the jared leto he tried to do the same thing And he was like in character and he would like send, he like sent dead birds to his castmates. Oh shit. As like a prank or something. Wow.

And he like still wasn't that good. It was just, you were annoying for no reason. All that to be dog shit. Yeah. Yeah. To be like the fourth best Joker. What was like the big, the big one was with like Jim Carrey, right? Who did he play?

He was Andy Kaufman. Yeah. In Man and the Moon. I never saw that. The movie's pretty good. And then the documentary about it is good too. Cause he's just running around the studio a lot in character, like trying to, in multiple characters.

Cause he's Tony Clifton too. And he's like trying to break into Steven Spielberg's office. And like, he's just being a huge dick to people. So people thought he was like actually him i don't know if they thought he was him but he was fully they were like hey just so you know jim is fully in character as andy kaufman don't address him as jim yeah he will freak out on you i gotta check that out dude pretty good yeah i've never seen that man yeah damn that's how we gotta start doing it at comedy shows. Yeah. Just adopt a persona

and just get into that and never be ourselves again. I think people do that, man. I just want to get on. I just want to start getting on stage. Like I'll show up at a, at a club and just be like, Hey, from now on, I'm the Raven. You got to, I just have like eyeliner makeup on. So we're like a black dress. I'm just like a dark lord. I'm wearing a black dress with a long train. Yeah, you know, I was doing the like drokey, dry humor guy thing for a while, but this is the real me, the Raven. You know how fucking crazy that would be, dude? Because you're tall as fuck, dude.

If you went out there in a black dress. I might cool dude amazing grace is your walkout song yeah you just start spanking dude everyone's like what the fuck it's performance art yeah i think people would pass away dude people there would be uproar damn i feel like i would be um i'd be in prison for that one dude sometimes uh do you ever think about breaking the simulation getting out of the matrix I feel like I would be in prison for that one. Dude, sometimes I... Do you ever think about breaking the simulation? Getting out of the Matrix? Doing something so stupid that it just fucking breaks the Matrix? Like someone comes out and they're like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Okay. Now like a big face appears in the sky. It's like, all right, you got me. The whole thing's been a simulation. It's an Asian dude. It's an Asian dude. And he's like, you just did something we didn't code for so we can't you were too stupid for the major if you had a if you had to do one thing that you think would break it what do you think you'd do if you have to like how how do you reset the matrix how do you

yeah how do you get them to stop the simulation, break the code? Basically, like, reverse the Big Bang, dude. That would be tough. That would be tough to do. Yeah. You have to study quantum physics for a while, I feel. Build some serious machines. Maybe, dude, I think you should just get everyone, like, in a large group,

like the entire population, and everyone just, like, spends, like, a week group like the entire population and everyone just like spends like a week straight just farting into the atmosphere cuts a hole in there yeah all the methane just breaks the lining yeah oh it breaks it breaks like the firmament and they can like like who's ever behind the screens like i see just looking at sphincter all day yeah and then they start to like get in their head they're like wow dude i can actually kind of smell this a little bit so you basically treat the simulation like um like chat roulette for the people who are designing it more like chatterbait dude yeah just show show hole until the universe as we know it ceases to exist yeah nothing will fuck someone up more than sphincter dude that's the singularity the

sphincter singularity yeah you show you show somebody some hole they're not ready for it yeah they're not going to be able to code yeah i'm not i mean i'm not like a da vinci like code type guy but i think that's the closest thing i know to it yeah the da vinci hole that's it that's a hidden chapter in that book. Dude, I forgot to mention, man, congrats on the special, dude. Thank you, man. Probably should have started off with that, but like I said, man, I'm retarded. All good, all good. Yeah, did you, when did it come out, like two months ago?

Yeah, just about two months. It was July 17th. It's on YouTube now, JPMcDade in Brooklyn. That's like a culmination of like all your material or is it just some of it? More or less. It was like the better part of, it was pretty much all my best stuff from over like 11 years. So you felt like pretty comfortable up there? Yeah, for sure. It was like,

it was just the order of things that I had to focus on, but it was like, I had some jokes that were seven or eight years old and i had some jokes that were a week old and just everything out there just riffing zinging and zanging that's all it is dude doing jokes yeah it's crazy man you can write a good joke in like a week and then have a joke that's like 10 years old yeah it's fucking wild man time's an illusion yeah and then you did uh how much time did you do i did i think like 53 minutes or something like that on each show yeah and then we cut it down to a nice lean 45 46 for the final cut so yeah it was pretty cool it was like a big lead up to the special of several months and then it was like seven or eight months after that of just like editing and getting it ready to go.

Yeah. What do you do after that, dude? Like after you reach that point, are you just like, all right, like completely I'm starting from scratch or like. More or less like I've basically been cycling out the old material and yeah, I've treated it like I have none i'm just like starting over and yeah trying to write a new hour is it like scary or no a little bit but also exciting and it's it's still it's fun like there's nothing more fun than coming up with like a new joke that you like yeah and trying it out so it's like yeah there's going to be the the trials of like doing something and it falls on its face and yeah doing all the new stuff but like when that new thing hits like it's nothing better yeah when you were younger did you have like because I know like for me dude

I've always I'm learning to like move along like kind of like get past certain jokes like not be it for like not be afraid to write new stuff yeah burn the old shit like when did you uh like when you were younger did you have that same feeling though where you were like fuck man like i don't like trust new shit like when did you kind of go all right like fuck it like you know let's just move on i think i don't know if i've fully said fuck it we're like there's still going to be those moments where i want to like grab the life raft yeah of like the old material and something that i know is tried and true like if i'm in the middle of a set tried something new it didn't really work

how i wanted i'm just gonna like jump for that old thing but i think in the like the only in the last couple of years have i gotten more comfortable with being like all right i'm gonna do five or six new things in a row regardless of how they go yeah and we can just deal with it but yeah you never like bombing it's not fun yeah more just sometimes it is if if you have if you have the right group of people yeah watching your friend bombs yeah probably one of the best feelings that's a great time in the world yeah man i was in um i was in boston i guess there's like this woman dude uh i don't know she's like a comic or something she's like extremely mentally ill and she's like telling uh i think i've heard about her really yeah this is like a recent thing yeah i heard someone like some massachusetts-based comic talking about this person well i guess she's just like

stalking certain comedians and like accusing them of uh yeah she's been like accusing people of like rape and like yeah yeah she's just like fucking schizophrenic and psychotic dude and i was like on stage in like dorchester like last week or something yeah and she's like at the show and people are like yo stay away from that chick stay away from that chick and in the middle of my set dude she got like escorted out like people kicked her out and like got the police involved and shit damn yeah man she's like accusing people of like rape and like trying to like ruin their careers and shit i guess she's like just full-on like the movie split dude like she's just fucking losing it she's opening for me on the road yeah she does a unique thing man we're different enough so it's

like it's a nice ham and egg type of deal it's like an easy follow man have her go up do three four hours and then me i do yeah get them moist dude i do 39 and a half and i'm out get them moist get them moist yeah it was so loud though dude it was like one of those rooms where you're like you can't even hear yourself. Yeah. So when it happened, I didn't even notice it was happening. And people were like, yo, did you see that? And I was like, no, what happened?

They were like, dude, she just got escorted out of the place. And I was like, oh, shit. That's awesome. Couldn't hear my own thoughts, man. Sometimes it's awesome when people get kicked out during your set. Yeah. That can be a lot of fun. Just gives you hope, man.

Yeah. I kicked out a bachelorette party a few months ago. Really? What a rush rush did you really it was great yeah i was on stage and i was just like they had they were at the show and they had um they had like snow goggles on yeah that was part of their theme or whatever i guess implying they were going to do cocaine i don't know yeah but they were they would not shut up for the host and then i went on first and like they would not shut up and i just kind of went in on them

yeah it was one of those things where like the entire crowd hated them too yeah so when like you guys said anything against them it got like a huge applause and then they eventually left and that got like damn near standing ovation it was fuck yeah dude it's really how you do it man yeah it's better than just like letting it happen no because it's gonna suck for every other comic on the show if they yeah you gotta take you gotta make a sacrifice yeah fucking jump on the grenade yeah go down on your own sword man you gotta show whole for the audience we do uh amazing great we have some phone calls dude if you don't mind taking a few i'm ready i don't know if they're any good but we'll see last week's wild

man they're all amazing a lot of gay ones yeah a lot of dudes like fingering their asses and stuff sure so i'm just not like on the phone but like they had questions about no both yeah oh i see it was like while they were asking the question sure all right hey i was just uh i was just wondering when was the last time that you like full-on shit yourself not like just like a little shit in your that you like full on shit yourself? Not like just like a little shit in your pants, but like full turd in underwear, you know? When was the last time that happened to you?

That's a tough one. That was a deep question, man. Yeah, it is deep. Full on. I mean, technically like every day for me, man. I'm sorry? Like every day I'm shitting shitting my pants. Your garments? Shitting my diaper, dude.

Oh, you're dived up? Yeah. Well, that doesn't count then. I got to stay safe out there, man. Yeah. Rather be caught with it than caught without it. I'm shitting my diaper, dude, not my pants. That's true.

You shit your diaper, not your pants. That's the old adage. Well, dude, I probably shouldn't say this, but there will be times where like uh i'll feel like a little bit moist in my ass just from all the trekking around you know like all the waddling and stuff sure and then i'll you know like i obviously sit when i pee dude and i'll just you know go wipe my ass point blank yeah yeah get a little skid mark on so i'm nothing to chance I guess I technically shit my pants. But he's talking about full on. He's like tasting it, dumping it in your pants.

I think I might have been like five years old. Really? Yeah. I thought you were going to say like five days ago. I really haven't. So you haven't reached that age yet where like. I would. I've got a solid run going.

Yeah. So when you're ripping dimes, you know what's going to come out. You have faith in yourself? I have faith, yeah. Wow. I'm not trusting. I'm not overly trusting out there in the streets. Yeah.

You just got to play close to the best. You eating healthy? Is that what it is or no? I'm not even eating that healthy. Just a mature. Just mental discipline, I guess. Yeah. I think that's what it is.

It's the power of prayer, really. I think that's what it is, man. It's just like, you know, like your faith in God, dude. It's keeping your soul clean. That's what it is prayer really i think that's what it is man it's just like you know like your faith in god dude keeping your soul clean that's all it is all those years at church man that's what that is dude that's that's why the satan is represented as a serpent yeah because it's like it's like shitting it represents shitting yourself exactly dude and the devil will arise if your soul is not pure exactly dude yeah yeah i have uh I've shit my pants, like, not all out, but one of my buddies, dude, we were in the woods, and we were about to go to this fucking junkyard to throw rocks through car windows and, like, hijack cars and shit. And, dude, we're, like, in the woods, and he got up on this rock and, like, started singing the national anthem.

And then he lifted up his leg to fart dude and like it like squirted out like dripped down his leg and stuff so we're all laughing and stuff dude and he's like uh he's like yeah man i'm gonna get out of here and we were like yeah it's probably the best but we were like dude like take like take off your boxers dude and like clean it up whatever he's like he's like no dude i'm gonna call my dad and we're like dude please don't do that that's tough to get multiple generations involved in something like that just the explanation he's like so why were you on the rock would take take through that. You know, it just happens.

Just one thing lead to another. Dude, you know Joe called his dad and was like, I just shit my pants. Like, pick me up. How old? You were like 16. Yeah. I could not express to you how angry I would be as a grown man. I can't even imagine how mad he would have been.

My 16-year-old boy. I would have made him walk home. Oh, nice car, too. Like leather seats and shit. Yeah, no, you're not getting in my car. You're not getting in my car in that state. But also, he was probably like, where are you? Yeah. You know?

He's like, oh, I'm at this junkyard. We were about to fucking hijack. The more questions you ask ask the worse it gets that's why as your as a dad sometimes if you fuck up like if i remember being a kid like if you fuck up your dad just hangs up he's like i know this doesn't go anywhere good and i don't want to be involved what was the movie with uh adam sandler uh big daddy right he's either Big Daddy or Punch Drunk Love. Yeah. Or Anal in the Enfield. Yeah. But he's like...

Sandman's in that one? Yeah, Scuba Steve. Yeah. Oh, he goes diving, all right. But that was the movie where, like, his son, like, whenever his son fucks... Oh, yeah, so, like, his son pisses his pants. Well, it's not even his son, but... He pisses in a plant.

Yeah, he pisses his pants. He's a menace. He pisses his pants he pisses his pants oh no it wasn't his son it was some other kid on the field trip that was billy madison billy madison yeah yeah he pisses his pants and he's like like peeing your pants is the coolest in your pants he's cool yeah that would be cool if you were a father and you did that to your like 16 year old son you're completely normal 16 year old son who just did it as a goof it's like i stand in solidarity with my boy yeah you just walk up to all of his friends you're like oh you think that's fucking

yeah it's what we do we're a proud family yeah like watch this shit yeah yeah no i'm not picking my son up at all if he does that. Yeah. Make a man out of him. You think you're going to pop one out soon? I don't think soon. No. But maybe. Maybe in a few years down the line. Who knows?

Yeah. All right, we'll take one more. Let's go. I'm ready for war. You ever fuck up in a way where your dad was like, I'm not helping you. You're on your own. Uh, one time my dad got me a fucking,

uh, he like gifted me a golf club set. Nice. And they were like wooden clubs. Sure. And, uh, he worked with like mentally challenged adults and he would bring them over for like dinner and shit.

And there was this one dude, Kevin, and he brought him over for dinner whatever like gives me the clubs and then after dinner i go in the backyard to like swing the clubs with kevin dude yeah and we do we literally just teed up at my neighbor's house yeah and we were swinging at like my neighbor's house while they were eating dinner. The family's running to the basement for cover. They don't know what's going on. Bang! Kids hiding under tables. Yeah. There's like a 10 by 10 window too. Oh, you hit the window.

We were hitting the house, but they could see what we were doing. There's no mystery at all. Yeah. That's awesome. Just taking shells. I did that when I was a little kid. I hit golf balls at my neighbor's house.

I hit it over the backyard fence. I didn't know what was back there. I just thought it was the edge of the universe. Just hear bangs. I didn't hear any bangs, but the neighbor back there was like, hey, asshole, you almost hit my truck. You do that again, I'm coming over there with a shotgun. Damn. bangs i didn't hear any bangs but like the back the neighbor back there was like hey asshole you almost hit my truck you do that again i'm coming over there with a shotgun yeah you just kept hitting them i was a little kid i just like ran in the house because i was scared and like my dad

had to walk back to the fence and like i just threatened yeah oh shit it didn't go great yeah dude i've told this story before but one one time I was, like, kind of emotional outside on my hill. And I'm, like, talking with my buddy next to me and, like, I'm just getting wicked emotional, dude. And I just, like, I just start taking these rocks and just throwing them, like, as far as I can. Yeah. And, like, we're hearing, like, loud bangs, like, super loud bangs. And, dude, my Guatemalan friend who lived, like, two houses down, like, calls me. He's uh, dude, my Guatemalan friend who lived like two houses down, like calls me. He's like, dude, are you throwing rocks right now?

And I was like, maybe. And he was like, dude, you're putting holes in my grandma's house. Holes. I don't know. That's awesome. I don't know how. Ripping right through the side. Yeah, just like a fucking pre-war home.

It's a historical site. His grandpa's having, like, fucking PTSD flashbacks. You were contributing to the racial beef. That was anti-Guatemalan crime. That must have been some strong emotions. Oh, yeah. All right, let's see where we're going, dude. Senor Salami. what's going on?

This is Aaron calling from Indiana. Just had a quick question for you. I was wondering what your jerk-off PR is. So how many nuts have you busted in one day? 24-hour. I'm going to give it an over-under. I'm going to guess under eight. Underunder. I'm going to guess under 8. Under 8.

So, yeah, hit me up. We'd love to know, man. Yeah, my bad, dude. The questions aren't that great this week. It's a high number. No, these are deep questions. Definitely under 8, dude. The PR under 8, you said?

He said over-under 8. Yeah. I mean, that's a fucking... That's a lot. I feel like you'd pass away if you did 8, dude a full-ass day yeah you're shooting blanks at probably five yeah at the early at the latest yeah even then it's like yeah probably say like maybe five i like that it's he said pr because that implies that there's training involved yeah because you get because you get a trainer to help you jerk off more times yeah he's talking about records dude records he's talking about like bulletin board

type yeah like some of it like something like this but instead of a picture of muhammad ali it's like bloodstains it's just a it just says eight times it just says nine times you get to take down the thing that says eight and put up nine yeah i think i don't know if i ever pushed it beyond like four yeah that's in like the prime days feel like you probably knew a dude who could push it to like excessive limits though right i'm trying to think who's who's like the goat who's uh most i've ever heard of anyone cranking in a day it's probably on the ballpark of eight times yeah yeah i don't even know dude who's done it that much like who's admitted it because guys who jerk off a lot they don't wake up terribly early in the

morning yeah so you're you're missing those precious hours yeah you know it's all nighttime jerks and even then if you're if it's like between sleeps if you want to count it that way it's like you count those those 3 a.m jerks as like the previous day yeah maybe it's like short reloads yeah yeah those guys are just different man yeah that's like the cowboys yeah like like rapid fire type shit yeah quick same video too same thing yeah yeah two two nuts to one video yeah i knew a dude who did it six times every day oh and he would just tell everyone like as if it was like normal yeah and nobody really talked to him no one asked no one asked him how many times a day he cranked it yeah that's just insane dude six is too many yeah man can't be doing that yeah

you're gonna wear yourself out sorry for the shitty questions maybe that's how you reset the simulation if you get to nine the simulation resets yeah it goes back to the big bang it restarts the universe you think it has to be like a specific person though the chosen one yeah the neo of jerking off like a religious man yeah like if a priest masturbated like nine times in a row. Yeah. After like a session. On Easter Sunday or something. Yeah.

Yeah. If a priest beats off nine times on Easter Sunday, the entire universe resets. It has to be like a full moon too. Yeah. While Amazing Grace is playing. Full moon, Amazing Grace,

Easter Sunday. And that's the promise of eternal life. That's, that's kind of what the Bible is about. Let no, no man shall shall shall die who who lives in me yeah jesus and then there's like a lunar eclipse dude and then some asian dude just comes out of nowhere he's like what the fuck man they're like once once that ninth jerk happens

yeah and the priest busts all night easter sunday costco uh will know peace there will be peace at costco no racism no race the race war at costco will end yeah and now they are they do close early will know peace. There will be peace at Costco. No racism. No racism. The race war at Costco will end. Yeah. And now they do close early on Sundays. So this priest is going to have to get these jerks in starting pretty early and go pretty rapid fire. Yeah, it's all about timing

and like the chosen one pretty much. That's it. Lining it up with the planets correctly and saying the correct prayers at the right times. Yeah. 100% dude. Yeah. Well, dude, thank you for coming, man. Thank you for having me. This was fun, dude. Appreciate you for coming, man. planets correctly and uh and saying the correct prayers at the right times yeah 100 dude yeah well dude thank you for coming man thank you for having fun dude i appreciate you for coming man um yeah dude check out you know jp special dude jp mcdade in brooklyn on youtube channel

and then uh please subscribe to the podcast you know tell your friends or whatever however that shit works man and thank you guys for listening