The Johnny Salami Podcast - Julio Diaz

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

Julio Diaz by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. You're not like a big farts guy, are you? Definitely more... When I was younger, it was more like just...

Didn't matter where i was didn't care and i feel like i'm a little more respectful now definitely more respectful now i think the best part of all time i've ever had in my life it was two two them, right? Two moments. I went to Catholic school. And I was really insecure, right? And there was this hot girl. I had a crush on her.

It was the basic, like, fucking movie moment. I went to pick something up. Dog. Embarrassing. Yeah. Then the second one, it was my mom was asking me a question, right? I had slept over at this girl's house. It was, I think, senior year of high school.

And she goes, so how did it go? I'm recounting the story from middle school, but like if it had happened to me at that moment. But as I'm acting out the story to her, I'm like, yeah. And then something fell and I went to pick it up. I had an actual fart. Oh, shit. So it's like I'm doing yeah and then something fell And I went to pick it up I had an actual fart Oh shit So it's like I'm doing like a replay But in the replay I farted my mom was like

You're sick It worked out What was the turning point where you were like I gotta stop doing this I feel like it's not good to Like be a fat dude And you're like fucking nasty Dude if you ripped in public that would

be so fucking funny dude i'll probably do it on some like middle of a train situation just so everybody could look around like who fucking did that shit yeah yeah who did that shit this dude i went to a middle school with he follows me, dude. Fucking never talked to this kid in my life. But is he supportive? I think so, man. I don't really like I knew who he was, man, because he fucking he like fucking shit his pants. He was hitting on this chick I was in love with in middle school, dude.

And we were all in the same class damn and i like sat behind them so like the girls in front of me bro and he's like macking on her and shit i'm like how did you feel did he know you had a crush on her for sure yeah like we were kind of sexing a little bit dude i was telling her what's up but dude this kid was fucking crushing it bro but, uh, he ended up looking this chick in the eye. He's like psychotically just farted. Dude. Eye contact.

The craziest fart I've ever seen, bro. He fucking looked her in the eyes, bro. Straight faced, like intimate moment. Just ripped mid class. Dude was dead quiet.

Dude. I got kicked out of the class for laughing dude i laughed for 45 minutes straight he didn't get kicked out dude he didn't he didn't laugh at all straight face bro fucking why would you do that that's fucked up dude to this day i have no idea and she was turned off by that immediately right yeah dude dude who if we were older i think there would have been like a restraining order involved because it wasn't even a joke to him like that was like a mating call that's sick yeah to this day bro i kind of want to sometimes i want

to hit him up bro and be like you remember that shit but i feel like i'll fucking like blow up my house or some shit he probably would yeah but i think he saw like me tell that story on a podcast once and maybe maybe that's why he was like oh like it paid off oh so he followed you after you had brought up that story i think so yeah fire yeah man you probably like lives by that to this day like that's like a trophy moment in his life it's crazy man like what people live by you know hell yeah like i remember this uh this chick fucking uh you ever been to saco river no it's fucking it's in like maine or like new ham some shit. And, uh, in the summers, bro,

it's like straight up biddies, you know, it's like project X baddies. And dude, you go on tubes and you like float down the river and there's chicks just like getting finger bang and shit. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Like, fuck, I gotta go to this river. I'm like, damn. No, there's like families, dude. That's what I was envisioning. I thought like fuck I gotta go to this river I'm like damn Nah there's like families dude That's what I was envisioning I thought like

Hurricane Harbor type shit And then you just like a mad finger bang And I'm like I'm going That'd be so funny if you went You're like There's no fucking finger bang Nobody here Talking like the fucking rangers

You're like yo where's the this is a finger bag action fucking johnny salami told me there was a lot of finger banging over here there's families everywhere but dude i met this guy man uh that we were just like talking around a fire and this chick just fucking whips out her titties bro straight faced cold cold-blooded showed us nobody was hitting on her she just said nah bro she just wanted to show like show us what's up i like that but i think about that every day dude not a day goes by where i don't think about that i feel like i remember every single assertive woman moment in my life for every single time like there was a chick that did something assertive like that i forget that too what do you think we're like what what are you thinking about well i used to um so

i'm dominican right yeah and i didn't know i was dominican until second grade i thought we were mexican nobody said nothing in the house we spoke english we grew up in brooklyn so i'm like eddie guerrero that's who i see speak spanish i'm like we mexican the angels player nah the wwe oh okay i saw some highlights man i mean i'm a big like rko guy i like how you said highlights like it's a legit sport like i see some randy orrin highlights he be hitting them rkos and shit i felt kind of left out once dude because everyone was talking about it and everyone was like doing rKOs and shit. So I think I just watched like a YouTube video of all

like the best moments in WWE history just to like fit in. It beat some weird ass shit too like oh The Rock won WrestleMania 21. I'm like yeah I remember that for shit. So I remember I came home with a sombrero one day and my father was like what are you doing? I was like we're Mexican. I was like, we're Mexican.

He was like, nah, we're Dominican. So every summer after second grade, they would send me to DR for a whole summer. Shit. Over there, it's a whole different lifestyle to what I'm used to, right? I feel like over there, I was whatever age second grade is, whatever, 10, 11. Dog, a 10, 11 lifestyle in DR, dr completely different they're trying to make it to the mlb like i'm not even making this shit up they're legit pitchers yeah and just like when i was that age 11 the girls in my neighborhood i lived on a dead-end block

this shit that like i'm like this is unreal to me i'm trying to get tap kisses back home yeah you understand like i thought tap kiss was crazy they me i'm trying to get tap kisses back home yeah you understand like i thought tap kiss was crazy they're doing like were they doing like blow bangs and shit bro just shit that i'm like i couldn't believe so there was like a group of girls they were like 17 i was like 11 and i was so come on i'm trying to get tap kisses i'm not used to this shit so i look like the only pussy to them yeah like these girls i think daddy yankee was out gasolina so they were all twerking at yeah and i this one girl she just said some shit in spanish that i just could not believe like i i remember telling a friend on that same block i was like that girl said something about that her ass tastes like

avena i thought that's like oatmeal or something like that yeah it's like that and oatmeal tastes good bro so that's what he said so you should have said word i like how that tastes but i'm like i'm not thinking that i'm like oh that's nice yeah yeah that was my shit where they the women they just uh very assertive and i just was not of age to do anything, to even think that way. Yeah. I was, like, fucking scared. So what are the dudes doing in the DR? Are they just fucking peeling out and, like, finger-banging bitches?

Bro, like, as a man in DR, by 14, you might have a family. I'm not even making this shit up. My friends, I would go back at 14. I'm in middle school i'm fucking saying shit like man i want to buy a bike and my friend over there in dr who's 14 is like i gotta buy my son a bike i gotta save up yeah i got cut from the marlins yeah shit where i'm like damn shit man yeah yeah mad horny down there dude oh nah lifestyles and and and uh you wish you could live there like nah or no nah my grandfather's from there he grew up there and i feel like i'm

living my my story i guess in a sense yeah i just meant like not like full-time but you think you get like a second home down there and just fucking i would go for the summer i'll probably get like a second home go for the summer but i'm so get like a second home, go for the summer. But I'm so New York, to be honest, bro. Yeah. It's kind of shitty because I can appreciate. I could go to the country, somewhere in Texas, something, and I would like it because I'm not used to that shit. Yeah. Then after like a good two weeks, I need to come back here.

I feel that, man. Somebody curse me out. I just need that shit in my life. Yeah, you got to get it. You fucking asshole. man somebody cursed me out and just need that shit in my life yeah you're gonna get an asshole move your car yeah i need that yeah it's cool man like i don't know man i went home for the holidays and i was just like i could never live here people talking about like gluten-free bread and shit like dude give me the fuck out of here man it's a whole different world now yeah you can't be retarded like in some places but where you from you're from maine that area boston i went to my aunt's house for the holidays she lives in

massachusetts and they all just think i'm retarded dude so they just say like dumb shit they legit like they think like i think so yeah they ask me if i have a job if i've ever like spoken before shit like that man and i just think about fucking, like, spoken before, shit like that, man. And I just think about fucking. If you ever spoken before, this shit be bad late. Yeah. My aunt was talking bad shit, dude. They know you do stand-up?

I don't know if they care that much. They probably know. My mom was talking about my dog. And my mom was like, yeah, John is really good with his dog. Like, he doesn't even have to say anything and his dog like knows what to do and my aunt was like wow that's really convenient because like not many words come out of john's mouth i just thought about fucking shooting up the place dude like i fake laughed and shit dude but i just thought about fucking blowing up the whole block you know what i mean you ever seen that um it's like a meme right this guy's on a date with a girl and he stutters for a second he just shoots her he's like yes everything

yeah that's what it reminded me of that's hilarious man thank you yeah people are mad judgmental though dude you know but at least here like people you know you can be retarded it's like fine it could be what like the crazier you are the better you really have freedom just be yourself dude it's pretty chill facts you know did you feel like uh when you were fucking ripping ass and shit like early on did you feel like you couldn't be yourself i feel like i was very unfiltered and i could just i don't give a fuck damn and and i was whatever bro yeah like you're kind of reckless doing like stupid shit man yeah bro we used to um middle school was like probably the best time of my life yeah like Middle school was almost like a fucking...

I'm not going to lie. I'm glad to do comedy because I think middle school was the peak comedy in my life because it was just... We didn't care. We were running around the neighborhood and we weren't the bad kids in the neighborhood. We weren't into physical violence, but we were into everything else. into physical violence yeah but we were into everything else so like fart bombs ringing doorbells kicking in acs yeah and our getaway was we're 12 what are you gonna do beat up a 12 year old that's that's what you know because sometimes we would fuck with people like uh middle school

from sixth grade to eighth grade i'm not making this up. We used to ring this one guy's doorbell every day after school. I'm not making that shit up. And just the same, he would come out. Three years of that, bro, you go crazy. Three years of that shit, right? Because then we started becoming assholes with it. The first year and a half, we would run away. He would never know.

Towards eighth grade, we started getting cocky with it, man. And we would hang out on the corner, and then he started seeing who it was man we went to ninth grade this continued into the next year we tell other people other people that's not even from our neighborhood not even from that block so i don't know how many people are ringing this guy's doorbell at this point yeah yo so one day we pull up we think his shit is sweet yo when we go to ring his doorbell not making this shit up 10 polish dudes in two cars jump the fuck out so we start dipping the guy already had the door open so he opened the door he goes got you little motherfuckers and then he said something in polish like yeah we start dipping out man they chased us down a one-way block and pickup trucks

and they grabbed us and shit and i'm i'm not yo bro i just kept screaming to them i don't know how old that was in ninth grade but this shit was i'm 12 what are you gonna do and he's like you're a big fucking 12 year old kid man the cops came and shit was the scariest shit i thought he was gonna kill us oh shit so someone called the cops yeah they saw like what was going down hell yeah thank god dude thank god it was four years and he wanted to press charges and everything, bro. Damn. Hell yeah. That's hilarious, dude. I know. Dude.

Oh, man. So I think I got it out of my system when I was younger. So now I'm just a little more reserved. But I enjoy seeing reckless shit. Yeah. I like, I'm not one to break anything up. I feel like I've always been in moments where like I'm on a date and something will happen and the girl will be like, no, absolutely not. We should stay right here.

Not getting involved in shit. Yeah, man. Fucking wise man, dude. I want to watch. I don't want to. Yeah. Let them fight. Because you're already experienced.

Yep. Yeah. I don't know no jujitsu or anything like that. So why would I get involved? Yeah. Yeah. Fucking I've never gotten in a fight before But Never in your whole life Nah I've thought about it You know

Like somebody attacking you and you have to defend yourself I think about like what I would do But sometimes I practice in the mirror dude Fucking like I whip out my left nut dude And I just yell i fear god homie you ever do that i don't think that would work yeah i still practice it though got to you know you have to man i feel like every dude does you gotta like think about like what would like you know because you can't be unprepared nah you gotta know chances are you will be unprepared but at

least practice you know facts? Facts. Yeah. Be like, yo, I fucked that guy up, but for some weird reason, he pulled his nuts out. Yeah. So he went out like a man. Yeah. I fuck with that theory. Thanks, dude. No doubt, man.

Because if you get in a fight, dude, like, I don't think I ever would because I feel like I'd probably hurt myself emotionally and physically. Facts. I remember I punched my friend in the face once, dude. ever would because i feel like i'd probably hurt myself emotionally and physically facts i remember i punched my friend in the face once dude i grew up uh he was guatemalan dude my best friend man and uh i was like super fat and i ended up cramping up you remember the first time you cramped up dude i always get the side cramps like if, if I fucking can't breathe. Oh, shit. That was my fat shit, like, I'll just get a cramp over here. You got, like, a cramp in your

leg? In my hamstring, and I didn't know, like, it was my first time ever, so I thought, like, my leg was, like, broken or something, and it wouldn't go away, dude. And he was, like, playing, like, PS2, like, laughing his ass off, dude. I just got up and threw a haymaker at his face, dude. Did he say anything dude my hand

hurt so much oh just from like punching him in the face and like that hurt but also emotionally i was like damn dude like you didn't have to do that you know did he say anything or he just started crying or something i think like a single tear kind of rolled down his eye which made it even more emotional dude you know it hurts your friend like it's my boy dude i can't be throwing hands you gotta feel you man i did i feel like that's one of those moments you gotta just you as a man you just gotta go through those little boy tantrums yeah friend is laughing at you i've seen that shit happen yeah you don't seem like uh you get angry much dude you should kind of chill nah bro i'm a really angry dude and i've learned to like just

stay calm because it never works in my favor yeah because i feel better when people see that side more like you seem like a chill guy and i'm at my best when i'm calm yeah i'm so out of character when i like man i have real rage typical new yorker shit i'm thinking i'm the hottest drive in the street i've learned to just uh stay calm because it carries over like after this i got some spots and i saw early on when i started doing this i'm like i'm carrying that same anger into this shit and i look like a battle rapper yeah and i'm funnier when i'm just more subtle and i enjoy shit more yeah when i was younger i used to be mad calm and then just as i got older i would just i don't know i feel you dude i thought you hated me when i

first met you dude nah i met you you talking about like at the open mic at the lantern i think it was at uh no i met you at a greenwich village comedy club and you were you were about like at the open mic at the lantern i think it was at uh no i met you at a greenwich village comedy club and you were you were standing next to the bathroom and i came up behind you and i was like yo dude you ever take shits here you just walked away dude no way i don't know if you didn't hear me or like i probably didn't hear you because i would have absolutely entertained that for real i would have been like nah don't shit here bro you got to go to the lantern because the lantern they got three toilets downstairs that's i know for a fact that would have been my response if i heard it dude i was so upset i'm sorry my bad i almost cried dude i honestly like fear moments like that

where like yeah because i would have absolutely been like nah don't shit here yeah my bad bro no it's all right dude i just want to let you know, man. I was probably locked in and I didn't hear you. Yeah, it was wicked bad time. I think you were about to go up on stage. They probably called my name. He's like, yo, you haven't. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I just wanted to like talk to someone, dude. My bad, bro. That place is fucking lonely, dude. Yeah. In the basement there. It gets... You know, like, I don't even know the Wi-Fi password there, dude.

I'm just, like, trying to fucking talk to people, dude. The place fucking sucks, dude. I love Greenwich for that reason. It's like... It's gully. It's like, man, if you go to Greenwich on the Consistent, I could tell, like, you really, really want to do it. Just because everybody gets their own vibe.

That's why I go to that little corner right there. Yeah. I chop it up in the green room with people, and then I got to lock in. I want to take it serious, so then I go up. I have my set. And then I come back. I mingle for a little, and then I go. Yeah.

You know? Because you can't even be on your phone dude not even it's like kind of tight it's a small space too so it's um you you know i'm there every conversation i know i feel like i could talk to anybody but sometimes it'll be like a comic that's like they just started and i'm like trying to talk to them and they're like really awkward yeah sometimes awkward energy I don't know how to handle because I feel like I'm uh overbearing because I won't stop I'll keep trying to talk to somebody oh for real even if like I start feeling bad I'm like shit man you know that's good man I'm the exact opposite i'm like you shut down if there's nothing there

i'm like i'm good man like there's nothing here you know i just feel like people are uh pretty like manipulative people that talk a lot or they like i can just tell man like i have like the emotional intelligence like if i'm talking to someone if if, like, I know if they just, like, want something or if they're just, like, being fake, you know, it's pretty easy for me to just be like, yeah, this is a fucking waste of time. I like people who talk about, like, stupid shit, like, nothing. Facts. Because then I know they have nothing to gain from the conversation, you know? I get exactly what you're saying but i've been in that same room bro and i've like just been sitting there just thinking about like fucking dick cheese and shit and somebody will like come in and walk up to like another comic be like yo you book this show

and i'm like dude we gotta do this right now you know like why can't people just talk about like meaningless shit you know have like a heart to heart or something that's just how it is everywhere i feel like i've i've i interact with that a lot and i think you just gotta shut it down yeah so yo it's gonna stop i don't book nothing i don't know nothing yeah that's my answer to every every question where i feel that energy where it's like and then i've tried to force a real convo and then if they don't entertain the real convo then i'm like all right yeah i try to give everybody a chance because i you know it is uh very um get people trying to gain shit. They don't want to just kick it with somebody in the green room. But it's a part of that New York where it's like, fuck it.

You got to learn how to do that shit and just not let it faze you. I think that's where my anger kind of comes from, dude. It's just that, man. No, I feel you. You know? I'm just like, yo, where the real one's at you know what i'm saying god is good man trying to find some real people out there dude sometimes it's like everyone's just like a fucking puppet dude it's like trying to just fucking meet a fucking real person for once and then you just never meet them dude

you just get angry you know facts so yeah man maybe i just need to like dig deeper you know ask some more questions i would say i would say have fun more yeah so if you feel like you're kind of stuck in a scenario then fuck it like have your fun like somebody's like yo you booked this nah but yo you think i should take a shit here? Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Like, fuck it. That's what I started doing, just having more fun and fucking with people more. Yeah. And they don't even know I'm fucking with them. Well, I mean, dude, it's tough, though, to be realistic. Like, in that room, they got that mic where they introduce everyone. They're like, yo, welcome to Greenwich Village. Like, and the mic's in the back. When I saw that i saw that i was like dude i thought about taking that mic and

just fucking scream i wouldn't even stop you if i saw you just grab it dude like someone's on stage. This fucking sucks. Fuck my pussy. Someone's doing like a residency. Like fuck my little ass. Who's fucking with me right now? That would be so funny. Bro, I wouldn't even stop you. I think I would just turn around. Just like, I don't even see.

I don't even see. That'd be so funny if it was like your first time there too. Yo. That'd be so piss. Bro, after you said that shit, or no, after I said that shit to you, I ended up taking a shit. You took a shit there? Yeah, a massive dump, dude. What happened?

And that dude Eric went in after me, bro. Oh, man. He was so fucking mad, bro. Yeah. He fucking went to get the glide, the Febreze shit. Bro, he stormed out of there, like went into some secret room, grabbed the Febreze and like ran back in. And I was just standing right next to the door. Because I didn't want to make it like obvious that it was me.

So I like stood next to the door. Because like't want to make it like obvious that it was me so i like stood next to the door because like no one does that dude right no one blows up the toilet and then stands right next to it it's a bold maneuver yeah he was pissed bro he was like fuck it's like dude i don't get why that fucking glade shit or like febreze isn't in there already no i think people just violate violate probably just spray it just to spray it damn bro I see I like to

when I really gotta shit the reason I don't shit at Greenwich is cause of that cause you like crop dust the whole show? A I never shit regular I'm blowing shit up 9 times out of 10 and you know there's always a comic

standing there yeah so there's always somebody that saw you going in and i'm not saying they're waiting on you to get out but maybe they noticed that you were in there for a while yeah and you know you like to like shit in private yeah not shit in private but just shit somewhere we're like at the lantern i'm barely at the lantern what is the lantern the lantern is the shop right oh okay my bad it used to be called the lantern i can't get yeah oh i know what you're saying now because you got the private bathrooms downstairs exactly they got the three bathroom downstairs most of the people are using that upstairs sliding one. Yeah, if you use that one, dude, it's game over. You're a menace.

Yeah. You're a menace. I hate, I stay in a lot of hotel rooms, and they got sliding doors to the toilets, and I was like, no. Yeah. What if, like, no, no, you know? What if I have company or something? It's like a nightmare for you yeah yeah dude i noticed i get like a lot of like my best thoughts when i'm taking a shit facts i've actually fallen i've

fallen in love once taking a shit i think my one of my first girlfriends she said yes to me asking her out while i was taking a shit so i think about that that a lot, man. I'm like, there's always good things going down when I'm shitting. So, like, you was texting her, and she said yes to a date. Yeah. I'm just blowing shit up, dude. Makes me think, man, you know?

I get what you're saying. Yeah. But yeah, man. What else was I going to ask you? Oh, yeah, we were talking about titties,ies bro that's what i wanted to talk about when i was talking about uh saco river but dude i think about that i think about that every day dude facts you know but i've been thinking like it's just wild man how like a chick can like whip out her titt like, it's just wild, man, how, like, a chick can, like, whip out her titties. And it's, like, the best thing in the world.

Like, dudes are like, yo. You know? But, like, dude, if I whipped out my nuts on a river. You won't get the same reaction. I know, dude. Like, all of a sudden, like, I'm not allowed near public schools and shit. Facts. Is that not that not like a fair argument? I think it's just

Maybe try to like You ever thought about like Shaving your nuts And like you draw nipples Maybe it's like just the imagery Of like hairy nuts Compared to like smooth titties Oh yeah

So I don't know You think it's an appearance thing? What did you just say about shaving i think it's an appearance thing i've never seen hairy titties i'm sure if you saw hairy titties you'd be like offended what you just said was wild You said shave my nuts So that I got nipples on my nuts That's crazy bro That's a wild thought man That would be crazy

If you're tubing down a river You whip out your nuts And they look like tits I'm trying to yes and you You can't kill me for yes and Damn dude Maybe it's an appearance thing yeah that was the best thought i had yeah it's a while bro that sent me back like five years dude

damn yeah man what other uh you like a nostalgic guy like what are the type of thoughts you having besides like the dr woman also do you ever fall in love with any of the uh the dr women that you met yeah there was um so i lived on a dead-end block with 10 houses five of them faced each other so the house directly in front of my grandmother's house. This girl named Viviana. Shit, that's Portuguese though. Pretty sure she was

Dominican. But I never thought of asking her if she was Portuguese. So maybe she was Portuguese I had a professor named Viviana, dude For real? Yeah, we had a little one-on-one action Oh, dude

How'd that go? Ah, dude, I was so in love with her, bro Dude, she was the nicest, hottest woman I've ever met in my life This was what class? She helped me with everything, bro What class was this one? Uh, finance Oh oh it's college bro i met her dude this guy introduced me to her like one of my teachers no joke i meet her

and i go like oh like uh like what are you trying to say hola right now my bad What did you say? I thought she was a student, bro. I was like, oh, like, I haven't seen you in class. You know? She was like, oh, like, the dude, the teacher who introduced me to her was like, yo, that's a professor, bro. But why was he introducing you just to help me out dude i was trying to get an internship because i was retarded bro and i couldn't get anything and i was like panicking and i was like yo i need an internship she hooked me up bro kind

of like let me join this finance club and shit fuck yeah but dude she was a smoke show bro and like if you ever needed help man she'd be there like, one-on-one help and shit. And I remember one time, dude, it was just me and her in the computer lab in the summer, dude. The whole porno fantasy. Dude, the thoughts that went through my head, bro. I know. I just, dude, I couldn't even handle it, man. I forgot what she said one day, bro, but I'm pretty sure she, like, touched my arm and said something sexual as a joke to you.

And I fucking lost my mind, dude. Did you reply? Did you say anything? I was just like, I'm pretty sure she, like, touched my arm and said something sexual as a joke to you. And I fucking lost my mind, dude. Did you reply? Did you say anything? I was just like, I'm gay. I fucking panicked, bro. I remember it vividly, bro, just being like, yo, what the fuck? Breaking case of emergency, just like, I'm gay. I mean, that would have, dude, I would have been such a legend, dude.

Getting with it with a Portuguese professor in a computer lab. What exactly did she say when she hit your arm? I can't remember specifically. I remember her touching my arm. I remember blacking out, dude, when she touched my arm. I was like, oh, shit. I think she was, like, complimenting me, you know? Yeah, you should have went for it, man.

Oh, you know what she said, bro? Dude, I remember. for her man and uh oh you know what she said bro dude i remember so we're in the computer lab i showed up like a like a like five or ten minutes late i was like my bad like it took a while for them to make my coffee and i remember her grabbing my arm and being like oh like i would have gotten coffee with you and i was like yo that's a whole date that she just proposed man yeah man and you didn't say nothing like y'all let's go get coffee no i think i uh follow her on facebook though dude so uh she like kind of vented to me once though dude uh i don't know man what it is about portuguese families i think they're just

really strict man you know like her childhood was pretty strict oh i thought you're gonna say i don't know about portuguese families but they love me i thought this is like an ongoing thing in your life oh no that'd be sick also she's stressed out with her family i think her like uh parents are pretty strict or whatever so i don't know if she really lived it up when she was younger how old is she? she's probably in her 30s actually maybe she's probably in her 40s now oh damn I thought this was like a recent venting this is like back then

this is when I was in college dude like fucking 5 years ago hasn't been that long man you should try to hit her up yeah but what I was going to say bro is I think the Portuguese families are so strict that they kind of like try to like set you up with other Portuguese dudes. So I feel like a lot of the dudes, like when that happened, I think she was meeting a Portuguese

dude who was actually a comedian, but his humor was like, get off my fucking lawn. You know, like shit like that. Like grass jokes and shit like that. I thought you're gonna do a portuguese accent where's that from i don't know you ever seen fast five i don't know if i saw that one i saw the ones early on with fucking uh all like the first first ones the dude who passed away fast five they were in brazil so i'm thinking you're gonna hit that accent that was like Kentucky Brazilian yeah you get you can't get canceled if you don't do the accent that people thought you're gonna do

so like well you're this Chinese dude was like get off my lawn you can't get canceled because it's like you never you know yeah so you're saying like Preface it with like You're about to do like A Portuguese accent And then just like Rip some fucking Latin Well I Most of the time I think people preface

And then they try it But I like the preface And then you threw me off Cause then it was like A whole nother Yeah I feel you That's a good point

You know? Yeah Wait so What happened with viviana though well i was in love with that girl yeah every summer i would try to like but she was so like okay perfect so i met her literally the first year i went out there that's the summer of second grade bro so i'm like fucking talking about power rangers nah she was 14 yeah she was 14 i was told she was two years older than me every year I went

back she had like a fucking mortgage and shit not a mortgage but this girl she was having a bro I'm like she was having a woman's life I could I couldn't fathom that that's crazy man I'm pretty sure she would like she probably wanted me to like try something with her but I wasn't even getting there with her. So there's no age of consent. Well, out there, bro, that's what I'm trying to say. Like, just the mindset is completely different out there. Yeah.

You think they're happier? I don't know, man. I feel like you don't get to have, like, a legit childhood. Like, it's kind of like, you know, if your family's struggling, I feel like you don't get to have a legit childhood. It's kind of like, you know, if your family's struggling, I feel like you would go... Like my grandfather told me, his family struggled, so at 10, 12, he was working. I was a working man.

Yeah. And now I believe him, too. After that experience. My grandfather at 12 probably had chest hair, hard day at work type shit. Take a full sleeve, dude. Yeah, me at 12 i'm like power rangers fucking yeah the nerd bro you crazy so that girl she was getting down bro she was getting down with other guys yeah you think like when you were like when you were like four like in middle school and

shit though when you were like doing the whole like uh doorbell like ding dong this shit i mean like dude i remember when i was 14 and i was saying like terrible shit like i knew what like a gooch was wow so i knew all that shit i was flagrant but you know like i just never thought it would be me so i never thought of putting myself in that shoe yeah if that makes sense like because i hate when like parents are like yeah you know like you know my my kids are like sweet and sweet and, like, they're innocent. It's like, dude, your kids probably know what, like, anal is. Forget it.

Hell yeah, with the internet. Forget it, bro. Yeah, like, when I was in middle school, dude, that was probably worse than I am now, you know? Just, like, recklessly screaming penis, dude. I remember talking about goochies. I used to be, like, in class, I would be like, second eight. Yeah. It was funny about goochies. I used to be like in class, I'd be like, second eight! Yeah. It was funny because it was fast,

but it was like, it wasn't funny when I got in trouble for it. Yeah. When I was in fifth grade, I almost got suspended, dude. For what? I was making up acronyms. It was like TV. It was a titty vagina. I'd just be like, TV.

I like some fat chick. then like it was like SUV which was like sex under vajayjay but he's screaming at us some fat chicks so it's not like you're calling and then uh some chick with like a cleft lip told on me dude man yeah dude we weren't even making fun of her bro and we would have been making fun of you how we know you was a snitch yeah felt bad for you but when the t i'll never forget man when the teacher found out like just the terminology we were like aware of oh dan so she knew everything so she told her the whole cheat code man and she must have been tight that teacher must have been like This whole time I'm thinking Your kid's just like watching TV and shit Yeah like she's like an innocent kid

Yeah Fuck She's talking about like pussies and shit They called your parents in? Uh no They just threatened to suspend me It was like me and three other dudes It was like a group

Fuck Project But I'll never forget that man I was so scared Never said that shit again dude you know pussy but yeah man i try not to get too uh too nostalgic but i heard like when you have a family dude it just makes you happier like when you have children i could imagine that's why i was thinking

like in the dr if they're having kids early on maybe they're like just happier maybe like more wholesome you know nah you don't think so um it depends i think it depends on where you grew up like i uh i guess in dr where i was going every summer i guess it was the hood because then not every part of dr is like that but also with the internet bro it's like who knows yeah um i think about that sometimes though dude Cause I think about like some chicks Who like get abortions and shit And they're usually like Kind of bitches

You know Have you ever noticed that? All the time Yeah chicks who like Don't want children Cause they're just the biggest bitches ever man That's a fact Yeah

You want children? Eventually yeah Even if my kids are retarded like i still feel like it's the right thing to do hell yeah but i meet some people man like some chicks who are like yo i'm never having kids or whatever and it's like you can't be a whore like your whole life you know facts i'm just speaking facts dude it's all facts Yo, one of the best compliments I got middle school, Miss Irizo. She hated me. I was terrible.

My mom had her come pick me up and she was telling my mom, he's a terrible kid. And you know what? One day he's going to grow up and he's going to have a kid that's just like him. And he's going to be so mad. He's going to see how terrible he is. But I was so hyped.

I'm like, yo, my kid is like me. He's going to be lit. Yeah. Are you crazy? You ever contact info? Who? Biz Ariso? Yeah.

Nah. She might be dead at this point. Oh, for real? Yeah. Fuck, man. Because when you do have kids, you can kind of run it back and just be like, that's a good bitch. Yeah. Fuck the fucking lit.

Yeah, teachers are fucked up, man. Some teachers are like the worst people ever. Worst thing I ever heard from a teacher, high school, after high school I graduated. I remember during my graduation, I went into a random teacher. I said, I'm going to be on SNL one day. He goes, you're funny, but you're more like teacher funny.

I thought maybe you would be like a teacher and i was like yo suck my dick that like motivated you though facts yeah it did definitely i'm not on snl but i feel like i'm not a teacher so yeah it kind of worked out i remember doing that in uh in college i wanted to move move to New York because I did comedy in college. It was like right near my college or whatever. What college you went to? Johnson and Wales. You ever been to Providence, Rhode Island?

I have, but not enough to know where that's at. You ever do the Comedy Connection? No. No? Oh. Well, yeah, just like the capital of Rhode Island but uh I remember being college dude I was trying to find a job after college and I remember like sitting down with this uh teacher I had and I was like yeah I'm kind of looking on like New York City you know told her like the whole

comedy thing and I remember her just being like yeah maybe uh maybe like don't do that you know I think about that shit all the time dude fucking asshole cause we out here dog we're here talking about dicks and shit where they at isn't that hilarious

life yeah where they at now I remember being in my friend's dad's car dude and he like turned around he was like yo John like what are you trying to be

when you're older i was like i was like i don't know what happened after that yeah bro he was like Yo what are you trying to like be when you're older dude And I remember just being like Yeah I'm just trying to have a job that I enjoy And he was like you won't I was like yo

What the fuck But like people like that Can like fuck you forever dude Negative energy That's a real thing bro I feel like I I'm okay now Fuck you forever, dude. Negative energy. Yeah. That's a real thing, man. Yeah. I feel like I'm okay now with feeling like it's okay to cut out the energy. You know?

I used to give people chances. They turn it around, they get more positive. Yeah. I used to be that way, dude, like, really negative. Yeah. But, dude, when you start being positive, I feel like it's, like, getting a boner for the first time. That's exactly, like, the correlation. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Because, like, dude, I remember just, like, any time we were doing something, I'd just be like, yo, fuck that. This shit's going to suck. You know? Now that I'm more positive, it's just like, yeah, it sucks. But it's like, at least from the get-go, I was like, yo, let's get it. Facts. You know what I mean?

And when you say, like, moments like that, anything. Like, going to the movies with friends or some shit? Yeah, I mean, maybe when, like, we were younger, I'd just be like, yo, we're going to, like, this event. I'd be like, that's fucking gay, dude. Like, what, are we just going to fucking jerk with friends or some shit or yeah i mean maybe when like we were younger just be like yo we're going to like this event i'd be like it's fucking gay dude like what are we just gonna fucking jerk each other off people would be like dude can you fucking just be positive for once i was the same way i didn't like going out that much either yeah that would be yeah that would be in my molds yeah but i think uh i started getting like more positive after college and shit definitely helped just to be like more open-minded and shit you know like people would tell me to like not do shit and i would just do it you know what i mean fuck that's a fact like don't chase your dreams like i fuck that yeah all right did we get uh we get phone calls

dude if you don't mind taking a few no go ahead i think we have a few before you pick up that phone call in the beginning with comedy i feel like what saved me was i said yes to everything so like a friend of mine was like a little yes man action yeah from that. From that Jim Carrey movie shit? Yeah. Man, a friend of mine was like, yo, don't do that show. It's just a bringer show. They're going to take advantage of you, whatever, whatever. I could have never did those shows, but in my head, I was like, I'm going to just do it anyways.

And I felt like it started the momentum, if that makes sense. Yeah, like the small steps and stuff. Yeah, like I didn't skip anything. Even if somebody thought they were giving me advice not to do it, it ended up being what they told me what it was. But shit, like you don't know until you try such a shit for yourself. And there's a lot of people that say, yo, man, don't do these shows or don't go to that place.

And it's like, maybe it didn't work for them because they were negative. Yeah, man, it all goes back to like the DR fucking forehead kisses, bro. Facts. Like you're just trying to start off with some forehead kisses. You're not trying to go right in the anal, dude. That's like an insane jump to me. Yeah. You know?

You got to prep for that, dude. Like a hug yeah man yeah the journey's slow i think about it all the time like if i had to start over i'd be kind of fucked i'd probably do it again but no i feel you all the baby steps you have to do man are just like the worst is when you're like around, around people that, um, they're, like, kind of still stuck in that, in that, what you went through earlier. And you're like, man, if I was still going through it how maybe they're going through it now, 10 years in, 11 years in, it'd be hard to pick up my feet. Yeah, well, I feel like I know a lot of people now who, like, change who they are just to, like, be famous online, you know? And it's like, you don't even know who people are anymore.

Because they're willing to sacrifice their fucking nutsack just for, like, internet fame. And it's like... They're not even willing to do that when it's like you're at a, what's the name? Saco River. Yeah. You know, like, you want to do it later in life it's like nah like saco river yeah that's when you do it yeah but phone calls yeah yo johnny cam from michigan uh got a big question for you man i uh i'm the type of guy that you know i go to the gym

and i try to avoid making eye contact with anything with a vagina. And today I lost that battle. I was trying to max out doing calf raises. And, you know, while I was doing it, a girl that was wearing pretty much no clothes, but, you know, yoga pants and a sports bra bent over in front of me. And I almost shed a tear. But when I was looking up to look away from what was in front of me, we made eye contact, and I guess what do you do in that situation? Do you tell her that she's got great roast beef?

What do you do? Do you send it? I don't know, man. It's hard out here for a dude with small calves. Fucking legend, dude. Solid question. I mean, dude, he's maxing out on calf raises so you have to make eye contact at that point at that point yeah i feel like you flex the calves like you

do a little calf raise if you're doing calves at the gym dude i'm telling you you're the fucking hardest dude at that gym you gotta be you gotta be if you do single leg calf raises dude they might have to shut the gym down that's what i noticed i go to the gym a lot so i see that when i see that you hitting calves hard man not me but the ones that do i'm like yo they should just give them the gym yeah why are we here yeah i do i do calves like twice a week dude i'll just listen to like fucking hillary duff and just fucking cry dude what hillary duff song come clean that song rips dude damn i really feel like you're there listening to that yeah you gotta try it man because i'm telling you right now i already know for a fact you're

probably listening to like Future and shit Yeah I'm fucking up hard Shadowboxing Like your own fucking nuts dude Yeah Listen to something softer bro It'll actually make you go harder

Maybe like some high school musical Or something Fucking um I'm a big fan of uh Tarzan Uh huh Soundtrack Yeah

You don't think that's That's hard as fuck. You're talking about the song... The Phil Collins one. Yeah. That song bangs, dude. That's like good gym music or not? I think so, yeah.

I think you should listen to it when you're doing the most important exercise, though. Bench press? Yeah. If you're fucking maxing out, just listen to that. And keep your phone unlocked so that people know what you're listening to, too.

Because you can't be ashamed. Yeah. That's my problem. I'd be ashamed too much. For real? Yeah. At the gym if someone saw what you were listening to? Yeah, I'd be like, yo.

Chill. Yeah. I feel like it's a private thing. Nah, but you just told me just be upfront with it. And it's like yeah i listen to fucking hillary duff yeah yeah yeah but honestly i don't know how i would feel if someone saw that if a hot chick saw me listening to that at the gym because the album cover is just hillary duff just smiling would you hide it but i don't really listen to lizzie i mean i'll try to but if she saw it dude I'd be like kind of embarrassed You know

Cause I feel like she would think that I'm like a sex offender Or something I know for a fact no other dudes doing that Like they might start doing it now cause I said it But there's not a lot of dudes out there Right now listening to Hilary Duff Like Max now and Cav Races You might be the only one

And if you see that more now you started that for sure yeah i'd be funny as fuck dude if you were listening i met this dude once at the gym he was my friend's brother and i had never met him before dude he came up to me and he shook my hand he was like bro i've heard so much about you man like it's a pleasure to meet you and i was like bro what's up man and he goes like he's like yo you look like you're in the zone man like what are you listening to straight face i just go porn bro he never talked to me again like he legit was scared you know so like some people can't take a joke when it comes to that stuff but that's hilarious dude i think that's like a perfect intro.

Yeah. Some fuck. Roundandbrown.com type shit. Yeah, like some Bang Bus shit. Yeah, hell yeah. If you told a dude you listen to Bang Bus at the gym with a straight face. I'd bust out laughing. Yeah, dude.

Let's get a protein shake, bro. Let's fucking hang out soon, dude. Fuck, man. know people suck though man you know do you answer their questions the phone calls or not it's like just there's voicemails so we don't even he was like what do you so what do you do in that scenario well i'm saying i think like if you're doing caverns i think he was afraid of making eye contact. Like, he kind of looked away. But it's like, dude, just maintain eye contact. Do you smile?

No. No. Straight face. Dude, you never smile when you're doing calf raises. There's nothing funny about that shit, dude. Fuck yeah. Just murderous intent. Stare back at her.

Keep your eyes open Like as wide as they can go And like touch her calves too To like make sure you're getting Like a good contraction Just like that? Fuck yeah Yeah

How about like what would you do? I could lie to you And tell you I'd be confident But I'd probably be like You look away Cower away You don't have a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend yeah I could lie to you and tell you I'd be confident, but I'd probably be like... You'd look away. Cower away. You don't have a girlfriend?

I have a girlfriend, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I think I remember you having a few jokes about your girl. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'd probably cower away. For real? Yeah, yeah.

When I met her, I felt like I was at my peak confidence. What was that like? You feeling dangerous? I don't know. I was really just into myself. I didn't give a fuck that I was fat. What type of shit were you doing that made you feel confident, though? Man, I think I had just did the Netflix as a joke,

and I felt like I was just killing it on stage. Yeah. And I was just locked in on that. Mm-hmm. All right. What made you go from the afro to the ponytail? The maintenance. For real?

It is too much, man. You think that helped or hurt the confidence? Good question. Because I feel like the afro is kind of sick, dude. Yeah. But to maintain that shit, bro, it's like... What do you have to do? Man, it almost felt like girly sometimes.

You got to like really... I got to sleep with a bonnet. I used to be a fade guy, you know? Three on the top, one and a half on the sides. Tape up. But then I started growing out my hair in the pandemic. And now I kind of just like it. Yeah.

Now I'm like, if I cut it, I'll pussy it out. In my head, with the ponytail, I feel like I look like Roman Reigns. You know that guy from wrestling? No. So I feel like I look— The WWE? Yeah. I feel like I look good with the ponytail, but then sometimes I'm like,

I probably look like Steven Seagal. Yeah. What about Nacho Libre, dude? Nacho Libre. Yeah. Would be more the Afro The Afro would be more Nacho Libre You have to like shave and just keep the mustache At that point I feel like I look a little clownish

For real? Yeah Might help though It might Yeah Is the dude from WWE that you were talking about originally Is he kind of like a Nacho Libre type dude? Nah, he got the ponytail, but he's like one of them Hawaiian dudes.

Like an Islander? Yeah. So I feel like it kind of like it goes with their vibe. Yeah. I feel like I'm trying to have that vibe. That was your favorite WWE dude? Nah, but like when i started growing out my hair and it just got to a point where it started drooping i hated that feeling so

then i was like fuck what's the next step and then my girlfriend was like put it in a ponytail and i thought that was a little girly and then i looked up dudes with ponytails just to see if i could find a masculine look if that makes sense yeah so i'm just used to having the fade and i saw roman reigns i was like all right if i get the tape up on the side a little bit higher plus with the beard it won't look whatever girly but my father's a marine and every every chance he gets he's like you look like a bitch. Really? Yeah. Did you ever feel gay watching WWE growing up? Or it was just never like a thought? Nah, because in my head, it was real.

Yeah. I wasn't thinking. Wouldn't that make it gayer, though? Well, they weren't doing anything gay that I think. Well, it was like gold dust. Gold dust is pretty suspect. When you first started watching, was the wrestling actually real or was like fake no they were i'm i'm saying like they were real like that was really ray mysterio that was really the rock yeah i'm not thinking that it's duane johnson no i thought that was

stone coasty boston the undertaker was dead i wasn't even thinking about them being in tights how'd you feel when you found out devastated for not even gonna lie how'd you find out my father used to like be like this is fake this shit is gay too yeah what are you watching no yo this shit is not gay this shit is not fake he really got stone cold stunning this shit is crazy he could have lost his whole life shit and. And then I think it was like 12. Everything happened at 12 to me. I think at 12, he took me. Oh, yeah. A friend of mine, his father was an amateur wrestler.

My friend Angel, his dad was a wrestler. The Puerto Rican Gladiator, something like that. And we went to somewhere in Ridgewood, Queens. I'll never forget. I was so devastated. My dad took me. We went to somewhere in Ridgewood, Queens. It was probably like a Catholic school gym.

They had the ring in there and everything. And I was so hyped, bro. And my dad's sitting next to me. And I remember like, this shit is real, bitch. I told you, like, they're really hitting each other. And my brother like... And yo, I'll never forget it, right? My friend's father's in the ring.

He's like getting fucked up. This guy goes to give him a clothesline. So he runs to the ropes and it propels back. And he goes to clothesline him. My friend's father, he started falling before the clothesline even hit him. And I saw that it never connected. But he laid on the floor like he got clotheslined. You just start crying and breaking down?

Yo, I'm not going to lie to you. Yo, I looked at my dad, and he saw it too. Yeah. And he felt bad for me because I was devastated. We were in the car, and I was like, that fake-ass shit. Fuck. Because WWE, like, looks so real. Yeah.

Have you ever gone in real life? Nah, because that's it. I literally stopped watching wrestling. Oh, fuck. When you found out you stopped watching? I'm not even making this shit up. Yeah, I was so hurt by that. Holy shit.

So when you see it now, you're just like, fuck this? Nah. There's a good documentary on Netflixflix the mr mcmahon documentary you ever seen the last dance yeah it's just like that so it talks about wrestling um it's really fucking good it's um they talk about it it's he says it himself he's like it's not that it's fake or real it's scripted it's like it's like a soap opera it's like watching it's like it's like a soap opera. It's like watching. It's like anything else. And it's funny because then you see how easily we are into thinking that something's real, like writing.

Bro, stand-up comics write for the WWE. Patrice O'Neal used to write for them. Really? Yeah, bro. And it's like I could see why I was so hooked, especially when you're young. When you're young, you believe anything. But it's like now I really have a high respect for it because I'm like, oh, it's just writing. You're developing characters.

Yeah. And then I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I watch other shit and like basketball. Sure, basketball is real, but it's also character based too. The Michael Jordans, the LeBrons, the referees look out for them a little more, the narratives. I want to see the Lakers in the finals, not the fucking Pistons type shit. You start to see how they're saying everything else, too.

Yeah. UFC is real shit, though. They really be beating each other the fuck up. But also, I mean, I feel like it's greater when you have somebody like a McGregor. I think some of it's fake. I thought the cowboy fight with McGregor, I thought that was fake. I thought that was bullshit, too.

Because Conor, if he lost, that'd kind of be like... Yeah, man. Same thing with Floyd. I mean, look at this fucking Logan Paul. Not Logan. Jake Paul and Mike Tyson. Yeah. People can say what they want, but it's like the fact that you went into that thinking that it's going to be a real fight.

They told you that the contract's out there. Yeah, it's kind of our own fault. I mean, I didn't watch it, but it's everyone to be a real fight. They told you that the contracts out there, it's like. Yeah, it's kind of our own fault. I mean, I didn't watch it, but it's everyone else's fault for believing it. Nah, it's just good writing. It's like, it's just, I don't know. It's something in human nature that we want to believe something. Yeah, we want to believe it's real.

Hell yeah. Fuck, man. But, well, dude, thank you for coming, man. No doubt, bro. I'm'm just gonna sit down with you bro meet you uh good to know that you don't hate me bro pretty chill um i would have gladly told you like don't shit here yeah i'm gonna be like yo rookie mistake you got a shit at the the lantern it makes me feel good though man um yeah do you have anything you want to shout out your Instagram, dude? Anything you got coming up for the people?

At Julio Diaz comedy on everything. Coming soon. Lake Saco. I'm going to Lake Saco soon. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck. Thank you for having me, bro. Yeah, dude.

Thank you guys for watching. Peace.