The Johnny Salami Podcast - Kyle Legacy

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

Kyle Legacy by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. This is the most somber way to start a podcast. I love it. Yeah, man.

It's usually pretty awkward, honestly. Just have to embrace it. I'm like, he's drinking a monster energy, but it's usually pretty awkward honestly just have to embrace it i'm like he's drinking monster energy but it's doing nothing to him quite frankly it's it's he refills them with tap water i think yeah i gotta figure something out man you get me uh get me hyped up dude um what have you tried do you like listen to hype music yeah that'll get me jazzed up dude but it's tough when you're in like fucking bumper to bumper traffic yeah because i just get aggressive dude yeah mentally just think about that movie death race you ever seen that oh jason statham jason statham yeah i think about doing

that dude just trying to do like as many hit and runs as i can what car do you have 2011 honda accord what's it got torpedoes on it or does it go i mean dude that's what i'd be prepping for yeah yeah for sure spend a few years hooking up some like m60s nice to the rooftop and shit yeah yeah yeah you know you're gonna i don't know i don't have an m60 guy to be honest i've barely got a mechanic never mind that's all i love a mexican american mechanical will give you anything you want it's like a spoiler let me get some m65 yeah jose we can do that we can do that hook you up with like a daddy yankee soundtrack i mean that would give me fucking hype dude oh yeah gasolina was playing you're used to listening through the wall so it's you can't really get that hype can

you i guess if i had like a subwoofer system that was worth more than the... It would probably be worth more than the Honda. Yeah, yeah. Imagine that. You'd be like, just take everything. You'd steal everything. Just leave me one seatbelt for the subwoofer. Start a fucking fire. Yeah, that's sick.

I've seen that happen, dude. This dude had a... He had like a 2003 Honda Accord. Yeah. Probably got it. I think he got it from his grandma. Bagged. Fucking drops like 5K on a subwoofer system.

Oh, my God. First day, dude, the thing catches fire. Is that electrical fire? Let me guess. Yeah, dude. The fucking... It just couldn't handle it. Yeah, what the fuck?

I don't know who did the wiring, man. Could have been some Mexicans. could have been some mexicans i don't know yeah no no they would have nailed it if it was to be honest oh really they fuck around with that stuff i i assume they do can't they do i think yeah yeah if it's a honda i feel like they know what's good if they can sneak illegally into a country they can put a fucking subwoofer in a honda yeah i reckon that's the yeah that should be the test really meet them at the border with a Honda and a Subwoofer and if they're like no comprende

get back have like a geek squad guy like observe what's a geek squad? like Best Buy oh yeah they got like their own sound system

like area oh so they're called like in the Apple shops they're called like geniuses in that shop they're called the geek squad

they're fucking ass wipes dude yeah just a shop they're called the geek squad they're fucking ass wipes dude this is a bunch of fucking dipshits i just walk in just give them all a wedgie and be like my phone's fine in a bit you lose i can't imagine working uh for geek squad dude just getting called that all the time exactly every time you get your paycheck you're getting roasted yeah i've made some money oh fuck i'm getting bullied it's never like a either. It's always like a fucking kid who used to like pants, other kids. Oh, really? You know, so it doesn't even make sense. Ah, okay.

Bunch of fucking dudes who should be working at gas stations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Yeah, all they do is just point. Geek squad or cops, you know. Yeah, they just tell you to go to the other side of the store, dude. That's it. I hate the way now, in CVS, you can't even just grab the odin yourself you've got to

press the fucking button that's only here though uh okay other places in the united states uh they don't have that dude yeah i was thinking that i'm like come on you don't trust me with fucking old spice like come on yeah if i'm gonna steal something it's not gonna be this it's gonna be like tv but it's like the only way they can't because if they didn't have that dude people would be walking in with fucking strap-ons on their forehead just stealing everything people are fucking crazy nobody wants to go to that guy though dude you know what i mean the staff staying away from that guy yeah yeah because you don't get paid enough to like yeah like if you were working at cvs dude

some guy runs in with like a strap on on his forehead yeah just starts stealing shit oh yeah yeah you're like fuck it just go i'm taking my break now i reckon would you break for this whenever the strap on guys that's headbutting people fuck's sake yeah um that's bad yeah yeah they really nailed it man yeah you just gotta dress like someone like you you know you wouldn't fuck with. Yeah, yeah. It's like, dress like you're trying to get into like a Berlin German nightclub or something like that.

Then you get in straight away. Like those people that work at the subway, I've been jumping all the subways because it's the American dream, isn't it? You know what I mean? Oh, you've been jumping them? Yeah, of course. Because I feel like I'm in fucking a Bronx town.

You got that vert? You got that vert? Well, two hands on either side. Oh, all right. You don't do no hands? No, no, I don't do... That's crazy. Imagine that. You're unconscious unconscious you wake up and you get a fine you're like oh for fuck's sake no heads like in there like fucking a cartoon character or something and then you spit out yeah

no i do like that and then it might have a little peek but the ones in the box they don't give a shit do they you know what i mean do you do in front of the people like if there's a guy in the box not in front of the police but in front of the like like last week i don't know and there was a police guy there and he just said go over i was like i had to jump back and then pay again i was like i'm just here for the experience yeah yeah oh that's got to get the adrenaline going oh yeah it was to be honest i've never done in front of uh like a cop or like uh when they're in the box i only do it in the ones where there's no uh see the box they don't give a shit the cop i didn't see him so he came out of nowhere you know what i mean yeah um and then i think i started them because he saw the afro he reached for the gun and i'm sitting around he heard my accent

he's like that's the whitest thing i've ever heard so sorry governor how are you i'll give you the hand white chocolate dude yeah you only fucking know vanilla nice they call you that em I call it myself when I'm looking in the mirror let's leave it at that let's leave it at that that's all you need man yeah

no in LA some guy called me black on the court and that was a great compliment really they were like who's got the white guy em

and then some guy was like he's not white he's black and I was like yeah and then I missed the next three shots oh shit yeah

but originally they thought you were like you're gonna fucking do a hast fucking do i'm cooking a bit you know what i mean and then yeah so yeah i'm trying to get back out there man yeah maybe we can ball someday but oh yeah i've been getting a little scared man you know like i don't really have the confidence right now what do you mean scared so what just to let i'm just i'm scared i'm gonna fucking get in the zone dude do like a hessy step and fucking tear my ACL, dude. Not even anybody touching you. You don't want to go on an elbow. You put it about your own.

That's so funny. Yeah, because it gets aggressive, man. Oh, yeah, of course. In the leagues over here. Yeah. You got dudes throwing elbows and shit. And I'm wearing like my polo and shit, so nobody respects me. The assistant coach is getting in the game. What the the fuck you got the polo and that mustache yeah

who's the guy on the bench licking his lips he's our point guard what the fuck mad disrespect dude that yeah but if you're cooking in a polo that is that's like yeah but dude they don't really pass me the ball until like they have to yeah they think i'm like legit retarded until i get till i get the ball dude i reckon you could set a pick and a half, you though. You'd be hitting a brick wall. Yeah, I'd fucking drop my shoulder and shit, dude. Yeah, of course. No, I don't drop my shoulder.

I fucking jerk dudes off. You want to come in the paint and you get jerked off. I'd say that's it. That's what I do when I back dudes down. I go between my legs to start jerking them off i love that yo watch back door he's coming for you he's gonna whack you off yeah mad mad homophobes out here dude yeah they don't fuck with the gays so it's like that's true you got to do gay shit if you want to win the game i like his style yeah but a kid on my team who uh like

in high school yeah he used to like flick dudes in the nuts as they were putting up a three oh that's a good one yeah yeah i'll do that like it like you know when you're about to get the rebound i like tap his balls before i get the rebound or whatever yeah like on purpose yeah you look at the nuts though or you do it like um i know where the nuts are yeah i said he's like your peripheral yeah that's fucking sick a court vision for nuts it's like you missed the wine on the pass here but he's on the floor

here so fuck off speaking of nuts I done a have you heard these I done a naked show the other day have you heard about these

I've heard about that yeah you see titties and shit it's in Brooklyn not really nah I mean I was on first I had to go to another gig

so I didn't see nothing I just saw the MC's dick which is still on my phone because I had to record my set so like two minutes of it is this dick and he's like oh just delete that and i'm like what am i gonna do with it like yeah so you should put it up on your instagram yeah exactly just have it like this is fully naked then the next bit of the reel is me blocked out like zoom in on it i made a reel when it was like a big black mark as well like that obviously it was so funny and then i opened saying hey how are you ladies it's actually nine centimeters the metric system so loophole oh it's where were you from again uh liverpool england oh all right yeah wait you guys have the metric system yeah so we say meters and miles i

just did a pod with someone from london they don't have the metric system in london yeah they do for real yeah i mean we everybody says inches for dick i guess but we use centimeters and all that stuff here oh that's not even damn because we have miles per hour we have do you have miles per hour or kilometers yeah you have miles but you don't have meters do you because miles per hour wouldn't be the metric system would it i don't know i don't even i'm too retarded yeah neither am i yeah exactly yeah it's like retard inception this is yeah you might i don't know i remember the guy's name he's from london though he's got like a big podcast out there what do you look like like fucking harry potter's uncle really no he looked like fucking who did he look

like bro he looked like harry Who did he look like, bro? He looked like Harry Potter. A side character in Harry Potter. I love that. Not even a main character. You remember like the early Harry Potters when Harry kind of had like bangs? Oh, yeah. He kind of looked like that,

but like an adult version. Is he also a rapper? No. MC Hammersmith, right? I think the name of his podcast is like Trigonometry. It sounds very gimp, I don't know. Yeah. I heard he was like a big swimmer. Everyone was like jerkingigonometry. Yeah, it sounds very good. Yeah. I heard he was like a big swimmer.

Everyone was like jerking him off. Glasses as well? Yeah. He looked like he could fucking cast some spells, dude, at any point. You know? I wouldn't fuck with him, man. Were you worried about it when he was sat here? When he started saying shit, I was like, this guy knows shit that I don't know about.

You know what I mean? Did shit start moving? Did shit start levitating on him? I felt like it could, dude. I respected him, though, so I feel like he didn't do anything. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Mine's a different type of accent. Mine's not a magical accent.

Mine's like, we're going to lock our car doors sort of accent. You know what I mean? This is like a fighter from Liverpool, right? Paddy the Baddy. Who else? Darren Till, but fuck him. He him he was shit oh you don't like darren till no no he doesn't even sound scouse anymore he's like changed his accent but um paddy the baddie's the man like i always used to get when i come out here i'd be like oh do you know the beatles you know the beatles sometimes i get steven gerrard but now it's always paddy the baddie yeah yeah he's got some good content dude oh yeah i mean he's hilarious i. I mean, it's just every scouser.

That's the thing. The whole of America's going crazy, but that's like what every scouser's like, you know what I mean? Yeah. We all think we're the funniest in the room. We all reckon we're hard. Even though when he used to say,

he used to say, scousers don't get knocked out. Uh-huh. And they said that on his first fight, me and my cousin were looking at each other like, that's not true. I was like, my cousin's still got a bad jaw,

and I was like, what the fuck? I've been knocked out numerous times but yeah Paddy Paddy's the man I just love that

he gets like so fat in between who is where's Michael Bisping from Michael Bisping I don't know I'm not a big UFC guy

oh alright too violent for me I like boxing and I like I watch Paddy's fight only because he's from Liverpool though yeah yeah

wait so what's the the area's kind of tough? Nah, like the stereotype is like that we're all like crooks and thieves or whatever, but that's just like a stereotype. Yeah, if we hopped in my Honda and shit and we were driving around over there, like dropping F-bombs. Yeah, yeah. You know?

Oh, yeah, of course. We get like in a fight. I mean, depends really what. If we're in Liverpool, I'm out the window calling people dickheads. I think I'd be fine, to be honest. Yeah, you know what I mean? I'd probably be really what. If we're in Liverpool, I'm out the window calling people dickheads. I think I'd be fine. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I'd probably be my cousin or I'd know them anyway. But anywhere else, I guess. But fuck, I don't care. Yeah. There's like a lot of

neighborhoods around here. People said if we hopped in the old 11 Honda, drove around and like started saying stuff, we'd probably get shot up. What do you have to say though? What do you just say

like nice things? Just be like, pull up your pants, faggot. Pull up your pants, faggot. So you're hitting him with confusing riddles. It's a guy wearing shorts making out with a girl. What are you talking about? If we went into, like, a really dense, like, hood, though, and said that. We're playing, like, a Bang Bros video while we did it.

That's funny. That's funny yeah really from off yeah yeah they don't know what's going on they were like that's so funny dude like i'm not even gonna shoot yeah i'm just gonna be i'm just gonna beat you up because that's a funny bit yeah i like this stuff yeah in the bron Bronx and stuff, they got triple deckers so they can shoot from the top down. What do you mean triple deckers? Like a deck. You know what a deck is?

Oh, yeah, like a balcony? Yeah. If they're up high, they can fucking shoot down on you. You know what I'm saying? Like fucking... Some Benghazi type shit. What the fuck?

Yeah, dude, they got the angles. Goddamn it. And I've been walking around like an idiot. I stayed in Brownsville last year. Oh, really? Yeah, and people were like, have you Googled Brownsville? I was like, nah. And I was like, oh, Mike Tyson's one there.

That's cool. Made a capital of fucking New York. Shit. Yeah, you could rent a place there for like $40 a month, dude. Yeah, but I think they were just scared of me. Like the gangbangers. I'd see them in the street and I'd be like what's happening lad and they'd be like oh fuck this guy's had too much crack yeah that's a good tactic though i know yeah i know two people who have been

there one dude who lived there he said there was always shootings and shit yeah he was kind of like with the he was like kind of with the homies though yeah like he could hang and then another dude just said uh he would just say like crazy shit anytime he got like around anyone there. He would just start screaming like vagina and shit. You should play this game easily on a TV show, Dick and Dom, back in the day. You say bogeys. So you just got to say that as loud as you can. But it's not offensive.

You know what I mean? It's annoying. What does that mean? Bogeys is like a bogey. You know what I mean? So you'd say like, it was when you were a kid. You were like 12 or Bogies. It's like a bogey. You know what I mean? So you'd say like, it was when you were a kid, you were like 12 or something.

So you'd be like, bogies, bogies, bogies. And then get it louder and louder. But you'd do it in like a museum or like in a funeral home or something funny. You know what I mean? Like that, yeah.

We have that here. It's called the penis game. You say penis? Yeah. Oh, really? It's whoever says it the loudest. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Gets to suck the dick yeah yeah yeah we had this uh substitute teacher dude he was like suicidal yeah i guess he like he went to vegas or something and like just lost a shit ton of money dude what a fucking loser so he became like a substitute teacher he's praying for a school shooting that teacher and he's the only one that's saying let's come in now put me out of his really suicidal man yeah he would tell like his life story to the class and shit how old was you this is in high school what the fuck but dude there's a there's a poor cheese kid in our class yeah there's really hairy dude and uh we were like oh we're gonna play the penis game with this guy so like i yelled

penis another dude yelled penis and it was like loud but it wasn't like that loud so this portuguese kid's like literally like two feet away from the teacher bro he fucking screamed penis like his life depended on it dude like he had like veins in his neck like it was fallen from the twin towers yeah like that was the last i'll never forget man this substitute teacher was so depressed bro he like didn't even flinch really and the portuguese kid just kept screaming it that's so funny yeah that's the other teachers right on the boat, kill me now. Fuck this.

Fuck this. Yeah. Legendary game, though. Oh, yeah. That's funny. Because everybody, there's no losers, is there, really? You know what I mean? I mean, it gets pretty competitive. Yeah, I guess so.

But yeah. Well, you're still all saying penis, yeah. But like when somebody like that, like when that dude yells penis, you kind of just go, all right, man, like game's over. Like no one's going one's gonna you need like an intercom he's giving some hair to you from yellow it's like having a cg like yo you won dude yeah you got it my mom's here to pick me up it's over you got it some dude just blacks out yeah that's so funny chill man though speaking of blackouts I've been had by these stickers

black people have been loving them it's my face on LeBron's body oh really you're like a big Lakers fan right yeah

how come just for LeBron really I was like a Cleveland fan in Miami back to Cleveland and Lakers yeah yeah you just followed him

through the mess I mean yeah because obviously back home you support your team where you're from I'm from Liverpool so I support Liverpool

big fucking red but because I'm not I'm not from America so i don't have a actual city where i'm from yeah i just follow the players yeah do you have any basketball teams there um we i mean we got the bbl but it's like fucking shit like yeah you know i mean like luau deng used to play for great bit and back in the day but that was the closest we got yeah oh shit yeah because in like uh in europe and shit like uh oh the euro league is yeah that's like where jokic used to play and shit yeah yeah isn't that pretty intense they got like i mean that's the second best league in the world yeah for sure they got like flamethrowers and shit

oh my look it's nuts like literally they're playing outside and people are just going pumping you know they got flares and all that shit yeah Yeah, that's crazy. Like, yeah. You got those mad titties there or no? Like at the basketball game or in general? Yeah. Mad titties. Maybe a few flashes actually or something like that, yeah. But it's like there's Eastern European women that are like these girls are fucking slamming. And then there's some Eastern European women

that are fucking real men. You know what I mean? You sleep with them, they're going to come on your tits. Like they're proper fucking butch. Solid fives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you would fuck with them? Oh, I'd still fuck with them, they're going to come on your tits. Like, they're proper fucking butch. Solid fives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you would fuck with them? Oh, I'd still fuck with them, yeah, of course.

Yeah. Just to get close to their brother who plays on the team, but still, yeah, fuck with them. But yeah, like, fucking big barely bitches, yeah. Just have a fucking athlete of a son. Oh, yeah, you know. Like, your son's a stud,

but your wife looks like fucking, you know, Abe Lincoln, dude. Abe Lincoln. Look like fucking fritz so maybe he's still in the basement that's wild you ever think about that dude like uh because i'm not really like smacking titties around and shit so i'm thinking like if i'm gonna really gently nudging them or something or no i'm just spanking but it's like if, if I'm going to take it to the next level and, like, really, like, be in a mature relationship, I think I'm just going to make a sacrifice, dude,

and just get with a straight-up fucking gremlin who's, like, 6'1". Yeah, yeah. Because I know my son's going to be at least D3. Oh, yeah, boom, nice. Sacrifice in the... Yeah, exactly. And then when he's playing after the shit game, you don't know what I did for you.

Yeah, I'm fucking hammered. I had this pussy for you. You know what I mean, yeah? And then she's there with two hot dogs or whatever. Yes, you did. You know what I mean? you. Yeah, I'm fucking hammered. I ate this pussy for you. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then she's there with two hot dogs or whatever. Yes, you did. You know what I mean? You're like, fuck's sake. No, I'm the same.

I don't know if I'm going to go that far, but I'm going to do like blindside at an orphanage. You know what I mean? Like when I'm adopting a kid, I'm going to run them through tryouts. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm talking layup line.

Open tryout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the orphanage? Yeah. Take them to like the boys club. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Have some fucking 50 cent bumping.

Just the, yeah, yeah. Many men. They walk in. That'd be sick. And they'd be like, white and Asian need not apply. Let's get through the blacks. And then I'll come back to the whites. At least give them a chance though.

Yeah, exactly. You could have like a good Asian out there. Maybe. You know. but it's like i don't know it's not worth the risk a lot of european dudes are pretty nasty nowadays bro i reckon i was talking about this the other day i reckon that it's like this like you know luca and yoka just so good it's because they never played against like in high school and pick up like glowing up they never played against black dudes that just destroyed them you know what i mean that just shut them down i was talking all this

shit they never got dunked on at a young age so they just kept that confidence and then when they finally played against white people they were like well fuck i mean i'm against black people they're like well i'm the man now it doesn't matter oh it's like a mental thing yeah i think so yeah yeah because you get some of the europeans that come to college here and it doesn't translate yeah they're like why is this fucking black guy I think fucking Mark Cuban was like breaking it down

he was like in Europe they have like or no the uh the UConn coach yeah for women's he was kind of breaking it down

and that guy he's the most winning coach now isn't he yeah that guy's been through years of roast beef dude yeah you know what I'm saying that guy's seen a lot of

shit he's got so much go pro footage from locker rooms it's out of control yeah i mean the fact that that dude's coached there for that long and never been accused of sexual assault once just shows you how ugly those bitches are that's how that's how serious they take it dude Take it, dude. Do you want consent or do you want to win? What do you want, ladies? Even Sandusky couldn't go that long. Sandusky is that? You don't know who Sandusky is?

No. Sounds like a fake name. He was like a Penn State coach. Okay. Or like trainer dude, and he would shower with the guys. Jerk them off a little bit. I don't know what he did what he did i'm gonna be honest i haven't read the full story you really showered and then your fantasy took over from that you filled in the blanks what would i like him to do to me yeah yeah well i always imagine him sliding into an open shower with like a boom box on his

shoulder but i think he like legitimately raped dudes but then aren't these like big like seven foot dudes like how are they yeah i think he just kind of like caressed him into it dude gave him a little fucking jay yeah you know jade him off a little bit they kind of fell in love that's what i'm saying like i don't know what he did that really got him going yeah i'm saying maybe it was the boombox maybe he brought like some food and stuff maybe maybe they like lost a few like fifa competitions or something like that you know maybe they were gambling dude yeah yeah gotta pay your debts or something the other way yeah i mean dude like if you're in an open shower with a bunch of like d1 athletes you gotta have some fucking magical powers to i know jay one off because you're

the fucking what was he the trainer i don't even know i think he's like the sock guy or something yeah so nobody respects him do they i feel like but yeah he must have just dirt on them or something yeah maybe like really soft hands or something i don't know what's going on yeah yeah yeah everybody's got cramp in their dick that's my diagnosis it's cramping your dick are you sure it feels like it's now it all starts here yeah you Yeah. You got to work it down. Yeah. Yeah. I feel a lot of it. Maybe, uh,

maybe it was massages, man. Yeah. Cause I've been to like massage Envy before. Boom. Getting massaged down by a dude. And I, I think halfway through,

I forgot it was a dude. Yeah. Yeah. Cause they're really hitting the spots and you're like, well, when, when they're really in the fucking, I think it's once they get to like the,

uh, the hamstrings, boom, upper hamstrings. You're like, the fucking... I think it's once they get to the hamstrings. Boom. Upper hamstrings. You're like, dude, am I gay? Dude, am I gay or are you really qualified? What is going on here? Nah, dude, it was an Asian place.

Nice. Dude was Asian, but dude, his hands were crazy, bro. Yeah, yeah. If it was a straight white male, they wouldn't have done it, but the fact he was an old Asian guy... Oh, he was putting you together like an iPhone. Yeah, nimble hands of course he was yeah yeah they got something going on did you go to uh so was it not a handjob place as well oh this one was in the mall okay i think

they'd see you if you oh it's just in the middle of the you just put a tile down families walking by it's not in the middle but it's kind of put a tile down, family's walking by. It's not in the middle, but it's kind of like you walk by and you can see inside. Yeah, yeah. And I kind of feel like you can see the shadows within because they just got like paper mache. It's one of those ones, yeah.

Some cheap wall play. Some Austin Powers shit, yeah. Yeah, if you're boned up, you could probably walk by and see your boners. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, but that'd be good though wouldn't it because you walk past the big shadow you're like for these guys are good yeah you know what i mean it's like when you go walk past an asian restaurant you're like there's asian people in there this must be good yeah walking past the handjob place asian shadows yeah i would boost revenue yeah i know dude yeah well i go to this

place back home it's like thai but um me and my mate go, and I hate massages, me. So I'm like, just get straight to it, you know what I mean? I'll take a bit of the massage. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't like it. It's fucking weird. So, and then my mate always requests somebody,

always like, oh, is Kylie working or something? And I went there and I was like, fuck it, I'll just go, who cares? And then I'm talking to the one behind the desk, like some 50-year-old Asian. So I'm like oh yeah two girls and he wants Kylie and they're like

oh sick yeah and then she comes out from behind the desk and she's my fucking woman I'm like for fuck's sake yeah like carpal tunnel on her fucking

little Asian hands and that yeah and then it was like do you want the hand job and I was like well I'm here now yeah and she's like do you want me to

take this off and I'm like I honestly don't love that to be honest just fucking leave it on yeah and then she's like you're not getting hard and I'm like now. Yeah. And she's like, do you want me to take this off? And I'm like, I honestly don't love that. To be honest, just fucking leave it on. Yeah. Yeah. And then she's like,

you're not getting hard. And I'm like, well, what the fuck do you want me to do? Yeah. Crazy. That happened with my buddy and I, uh,

it was at the mall place though. Yeah. And I got this super hot Asian chick. Nice. And he got like this old dude who, I don't think he actually usually gives massages, but they were kind of busy. So he kind of just hopped in.

But, dude, I went to that place once, and I was like, bro, I'm going to get jayed off at the place in the mall. Yeah. I was like, I think it took a shit and a JCPenney beforehand. Nice. Got, like, prepped and stuff. Flushed the system out, yeah. Fucking, I walk in, dude, and they, like, put me in the room,

and I took all my clothes off, dude, and this lady came in and just, like, was like, what the fuck are you doing? That's so funny. So you just go, you're like, I want this 30 minute massage or whatever. You just go 60 minutes and they're like, all right, I'll be in. And then you go in and then you're like,

are you sat like fucking Titanic? Like, paint me like me like a french lady like what pose are you in yeah i had my legs wrapped around my head dude like a reticulatory chicken i just took a shit in the jc pennies yeah yeah yeah yeah um so you when you come in you're still naked oh you're like like that you sat down oh there's a big sign like a big sign and it just says keep your clothes on you just hung your clothes on it you're like it's the massive sign is there well dude i was confused because like i went there once before and there's that big sign it's like keep your clothes on but I went there once before and there was like this Asian grandma bro

and she like pulled my pants down oh yeah and I was just like dude next time it says no clothes so you meant to be in your boxers or what

yeah they make you keep everything on bro it's gay even t-shirts I've never tried the t-shirt but it's just a sign it's just keep all your clothes on I know what the fuck

I'm like dude this place is gay as fuck yeah what the hell but I remember that old lady just pulling my pants down dude that's crazy I was like dude place is gay as fuck yeah you know but i remember that old lady just pulling my pants down dude that's crazy i was like dude this is the greatest day of my life yeah yeah sick yeah getting pants rest in peace her whole family's probably dead dude that's fucking wild that yeah it's crazy it's pretty sick though because at that point you're like i was like more like

she wasn't even hot I wasn't even doing it because I was horny I was like I just didn't want to be ripped off at that point it was like a monetary come at that point

you know what I mean yeah it was more like me fucking granddad will kill me if I don't come for this money or whatever

you know what I mean generations of being cheap and shit that's wild though that you just want to get like right to it dude you know oh yeah

it's crazy bro you think if you went to like an intimate place you don't think you'd like fuck with it well it's like it's like when i go to strip club it's like you know i mean i hate when they talk to you i'm like just fucking dance i don't give a shit you know what i mean yeah and like when you go to the that's why i like the brothels in england because they can't speak english anyway so it's perfect you know when you're watching like bang bros and shit you're just fast forward into the the magic um pretty much yeah i watch the start of it and be like all just fast forward into the the magic um pretty much yeah i watched

the start of it and be like all right these two are these two are um it's a hot or whatever i'm like okay this is a mom i see a washing machine in the background i know what's gonna happen here i'll fast forward yeah yeah of course yeah yeah man you don't really see i go from credits to money shot straight away it's wild bro choose your own adventure. Yeah. Because, yeah, I remember going to this one Asian place, man, and they were just like, they were the best, man. Yeah. They were really nice, you know. They would play music, dude. Proper Asian, like, the music.

Well, dude, I kind of wanted to ask them what was going on because uh i'm into like the whole like you know the pre pre-j off yeah i'm into the massage dude like yeah you know i kind of relax i kind of fall asleep a little bit oh for sure i bet you i bet you take turns i bet you give them a chance about my fucking childhood and shit yeah yeah that's you're answering questions they're not even asking like so where does the pain yeah it's in my heart yeah which is no idea what i'm saying yeah yeah no uh but dude they would uh i think i'm gonna go back this place bro because they play the same soundtrack on loop yeah and it's like the beatles but it's like an asian banjo version so they're playing like let it be but it's like some asian dude at like a

fucking tire shop let it be let it be dude it was that's one of the greatest soundtracks i've ever heard in my life what the hell i went into like a trans man i was like holy shit yesterday that's so funny it was sick man that's sick yeah but going from that to getting jade off you're already hard as a rock yeah of course yeah yeah eight days eight days a week is playing you're like hey dude let's fucking do this yeah that's sick they like tickle your asshole and like yeah fucking cast a spell on you dude and then just yeah i'll definitely go back there Are you going sober? Yeah I would go Late at night

Yeah Sober? Yeah Yeah Why would you go like hammered? No I I'll take a joint before I just want the extra sensitivity

You know what I mean For the extra tingles Yeah Yeah I wouldn't go in the winter though Cause it's like And did you put a condom on When they're jerking you off? No they just let it rip

Oh good shit Yeah nice Sick Yeah I felt like A little bit guilty though After that because it's like a condom on when they're jacking you off no they just let it rip oh good yeah nice um yeah i felt like a little bit guilty though after that when i used to do that why i think once you just blow a nut man you're just like dude what am i doing yeah yeah it would be on like a friday night dude like nine o'clock yeah yeah just blow a nut on some asian lady and just dip you know there's something about it, dude, where I was like, what the fuck am I doing, man? I know.

The way you say that, it just sounds like it could be a country song for sure. Yeah. And I'm boasting on an Asian. Yeah. Then I drive home to my wife. You kind of like question, like, dude, did these chicks come here on a boat? Is there like a sensei? Yeah, yeah.

Or is this like a family-owned operation? I feel like I'm treating them well. I feel like we're treating them well. You know what I mean? It's like you're not in the container anymore, love. You know what I mean? You're free. You can fucking...

You got your own music playing. You got your soundtrack going or whatever. That's the way I like to think about it, for sure. Yeah, exactly. We're doing them a service or whatever. I wish you could, like, suck on some titties, though, bro. I mean, you can. For real? There's, like, gauges of pay. Like, I'm sure if, like, suck on some titties, though, bro. I mean, you can't. For real?

There's, like, gauges of pay. Like, I'm sure if you paid, you could fucking do it for sure, yeah. Yeah. But then who's been sucking on those titties before, though? You know what I mean? That's the thing, you know? It's a tough ask, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Because they can barely speak English, so you don't want to be like, hey, can I suck on some titties? You're going to do something like that or whatever? Yeah, they bring in a carton of milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, no, no, no, I don't. Oh, I guess I'll have a milkshake or whatever, yeah? Yeah.

Because they'll do it, like, sometimes. Like, they'll do it, but they'll do it naked themselves, won't they? Or they'll at least take the top off, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But I'm not a big fan of Asian girls, to be honest. Like, I mean, I will, but it's not, like, black's my favourite. Then, like, I guess Latino here or whatever.

Then like white and then Asian and then in like children from then on down. I've never been with a black chick before though, dude. Have you not? Never. Oh, really? Fuck yeah. I'm trying to at the gym, dude. There's this black chick, bro.

She fucking squats like three plates, dude. Oh my Lord. She's like a walking boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm trying to fucking say something to her, dude. Is she a little fucking Joanna man? Bro, she's fucking ripped. She looks like a walking boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm trying to fucking say something to her, dude. Is she a little fucking Joanna man? Bro, she's fucking ripped. She looks like a 3D fucking avatar.

Say something to her, though. She literally looks like a walking boner. Because I feel like girls like that don't get hit on because they're too fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. I just don't know what to say to her, dude. I just want to walk up to her and be like, I'd fucking die for you. And then she's like, what? I said, are you done with the machine?

Yeah, you bitch i just went away some fucking retard napoleon yeah that's so funny yeah yeah because like saying shit to those chicks man it's like what do you even say you know like should i be doing hip thrust and ask her for a spot yeah yeah like as a joke no but we're comedians you can say whatever that's what you gotta remember like we're funnier than the regular person. You know what I mean? Like, we are. Like, that's why, like, I get all these hot girls sometimes.

I get a lot of swap donkeys as well. But that's just to fucking pay the rent. And, like, you know what I mean? You can just fucking make them laugh. That's all it is. Like, I hate talking to girls when I'm hammered. It's stupid. I'll have, like, two beers and a joint and I'm perfect. That's me fucking going nuts you know what i mean yeah because i mean dude you got the fucking like you're doing you're smoking weed yeah you drink

yeah you're ripping cigs bro if i was doing that i would feel i'd be like jason say yeah you do yeah i literally feel so good inside it doesn't matter oh dude you know what i mean because i'm not really doing any of that so i just feel like a little fucking snail and then also just be like if you hit on them and it's not working be like just put in that you've got a girlfriend anyway and then you're gonna clean out dude if i was like high and drunk at the same time i'd say anything to a chick oh yeah and you can that's the thing you know what i mean yeah i'd be like You wanna change my diaper baby Yeah I met this girl The other night She like works at a comedy club

Bartender or whatever She was sound and shit But yeah I got a black girlfriend Back home So I gotta be good Oh you got a girlfriend dude Yeah

Shit dude Black girlfriend Yeah What's that like man Well it's like She's like English black So it's like Like here

They go Some proper black women here It's like some crazy shit. You know what I mean? Like, I'm ripping off their own wigs and all like, she's still got a real hair. Are you going to have to go to the barbecue or is that not a thing?

No, no, no. Cause it's like, she's the only black one in the family. It's like all the rest of them are like white and Scottish. Like a dad was like Nigerian, got a mom pregnant and ran off classic black shit.

You know what I mean? I ran fast cause he's Nigerian. And so yeah, it's chill. She fucking got me like sponges for my Afro and stuff like that. actually you know what i mean and ran fast because he's nigerian yeah and so yeah it's chill she fucking got me like sponges for my afro and stuff like that you have black ancestors you just have like uh no i'm from england's where we build white people you know and this is like the start of the assembly line and yeah no i feel you do some people think i'm black because uh like my fucking

my head looks like a nutsack he's got a stereotype for black people big heads yeah well if your hair looks like fucking oh that's true yeah you've got a bit of yours is more jufro we know in it i guess yeah i mean both of us look like we fucking shaved like you're that's i draw the line there i'm not i got too much skin in the game i'm not jewish i'll whip it out i don't know the naked show. I don't care. Clean shave. Clean shave. Yeah, well, I do this as well on November.

That's pretty sick, dude. Yeah, I know. I can't grow it up here. That's why. Who's fucking calling me? I was going to say, I'm the fucking Johnny Salami pod.

Definitely not answering that. Yeah. I was talking gooch. Gooch? I was talking gooch. No, it's chill. I shave all my balls and I leave a little bit here as well.

What about the gooch, though, dude? Underneath? Yeah. I'm trying to territory that, aren't I? Yeah know you're going down there with a razor yeah no dude i'm just saying that's like what my head looks like okay boom nice yeah yeah yeah so people think i have like black ancestors and shit but you're like nah just gooch only when i'm balling dude yeah you say gucci but it means completely different to what the black people say. You're like, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang. Those are my boys, dude. But what's like a black chick and like where you're from?

Like, what's that like? I mean, well, she's got like an English accent. Not like mine. She's from Blackburn. And then she sleeps with like this bonnet. Do you know these things? It's like a shower cap. Like a fucking fish. She sleeps with like a fishnet on. Yeah, like literally, it's like this bonnet. You know, these things. It's like a shower cap. She sleeps like a fishnet on.

Yeah. Like literally it's like a bonnet. You wake up and it looks like I'm fucking sleeping next to Scrooge, McDuck or something like that. Like she's about to perform a surgery on you. Yeah. It's weird as fuck. No, it's like old timey.

It's like I'm fucking in Willy Wonka's granddad's bed or something like that. Yeah. Like it's like proper like that. And then I'm like, what? You just take all the hotness out of it or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's fine as fuck. She puts that on. She's fat. I'm like, what the... You just take all the hotness out of it or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's fat as fuck.

She puts that on Morgan Freeman. I'm like, oh, great. She's fat? No, she's fine. Oh, I thought she was fat as fuck. No, no, no, no. She's got a fat ass, but that's about it. Yeah.

I was going to look... The amount of respect I had for you was going to be like off the roof. Yeah. You're like, I'm 50. You're like banging a fat black chick. Yeah. No, I mean, just a fat ass black chick? Yeah. No I mean just a fine ass

black chick. Yeah. It's pretty sick man. Yeah. I kind of want to try it out man. Yeah. You know

just like give it a shot David Black Chick. Yeah it's sick. I mean my son's going to be at least D3 dude. Yeah of course and then she smokes

weed as well. Most black chicks smoke weed so that's sick. You should watch that movie Get Out. Hi.

Oh I've watched that with her yeah. i've watched that with hair yeah i've watched it with hair yeah yeah it's crazy you're like freaking out i was freaking out on her behalf as well because i was like fuck maybe one day i could do this i don't know me as far as i do my work myself you know what i mean yeah i've smoked so much weed maybe i have dated a lot of black girls in the past and forgot about it and killed them or something you know what i mean yeah i never know dude but yeah i feel like that a lot of black girls in the past and forgot about it and killed them or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. I never know, dude. But, yeah.

I feel like that a lot, man. I feel like I'm going to wake up one day from, like, a dream and just be, like, jerking off outside of, like, a fucking David's Bridal. What's David's Bridal? It's like a wedding shop. It's like a dress bar. It's classy. That's classy, yeah. You know what I mean?

I love that. You know, outside the door, they meet me again. Yeah. Yeah. That's classy, yeah You know what I mean? I love that You know, outside the Old Navy Meet me again Yeah What would you do if like You like woke up tomorrow And like Surrounded by cops And like your whole family And friends and shit

Just like you're jerking off Yeah Outside of like an Old Navy Yeah But this whole time You thought you were like a comedian Oh my lord It would make a lot of sense

Yeah It would, yeah Yeah Because some of the shows I do I'm like i'm not even a comedian what the fuck was that yeah so yeah i i'd like that to be honest because my dad died quite recently so if she was there that would be great i'm like oh fuck my nan's alive i mean she's watching me in wanks but she's alive that's sick you know what i mean um and then yeah some of my family i'm not that close with so i think it'd just be great to see them again yeah yeah i

shouldn't have said The whole family thing I feel like you'd kind of Just be by yourself Yeah True And then what So how old am I So I'm like

It's before I've even I was just thinking Tomorrow man Like you fly back You know Yeah And then You like go to sleep

And then when you wake up You're like Hard as a rock Outside of an old navy Yeah yeah Just cranking it Surrounded by cops And they're like

Put your fucking hands up And you're like Trying to tell them That you've been doing comedy For like Fucking 15 years Yeah, yeah. It's like some random guy. And then it's like, it's LeBron James of comedy. They're like, who's LeBron James? Like, he doesn't even exist in this world. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're like, what do you mean? Peja Stariakovic is the GOAT. You're like, what the fuck is going on? You never think about that, though?

Not really, no. I think that's how, like, schizophrenic people, like, function. Oh, for sure, yeah. They're just traveling between dimensions and shit. I mean, so many people do my accent to my face that, like, if I got six Freddy, I think I'd be used to it by now. Yeah, yeah. Like, people just do my...

Like, I'll be like, I was with Tate the other day, and I'd done a set, and it was all right. Then he came on after me and done my... his set in my accent, and it was killing. And I was like, it's funny when he does it, but when I do it, nobody can fucking understand what I'm saying. So it's like...

And then me and Tate were talking for, like, 10 minutes, and then Adjie was like, you're doing his accent? And I was like, fuck, I didn't even realise that. So, yeah. I'm saying. So it's like, and then me and Tate were talking for like 10 minutes. And then Adjie was like, you're doing his accent. And I was like, fuck, I didn't even realize that. So yeah, I'm just used to it now. People fucking mock at me. It's hack shit, dude. Yeah. It's hack shit.

Do you reckon you can do my accent? No. Say chicken on a can of Coke. Chicken on a can of Coke. No. All right. Now we know. Now we know.

Yeah. I could do like, I could do some Scottish shit. Go ahead. I'm a big like Braveheart guy. Oh. I should be like, I-lord. All right, Go ahead. I'm a big like Braveheart guy. Oh. I love. I like pal. Yeah,

that's good. I love. I love this. Good. Yeah. What else can you say? It's pretty much it, dude.

No, it's too much pressure. It'd be funny to do a Mel Gibson quote as Braveheart. Fuck the Jews, pal. Yeah. Yeah. If I was 10 beers deep,

I could do like Mel gibson's like bar arrest thing yes you know sick just like get up get everyone like aroused yeah you know at the bar most of the time when you say do you know i don't know what you're talking about but i just say yeah to go along with the pods to be honest i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about though me neither dude yeah i love it yeah so like what level of autism is it i don't think it's autism dude i think it's that's good that's good well i think it's well i think camera one and camera two thinks it is is it not autism what do you reckon it is then would you put more money on autism or like retardation i don't know i figured i'm putting more money on autism or like retardation?

I don't know. I figured I'm putting more money on autism to be honest. Because retards can't do this. You know what I mean? This is like a specific autism like where you're like all your powers are going to funny. You know what I mean? Autists aren't like into, I don't think they're really like into like shit blowing up and like

boners and shit though. They're not into like chaos and like random shit. They like it they don't really play like yeah they're very like uh like sharp sounds and stuff fucking boom you know nice but like all the time i'm thinking about like blowing up shit with like a boner and shit you know what i mean like shooting up a dairy farm maybe retarded or maybe because you're a big boy maybe you're like one of those like hodors or something you know when it's like you got the the mind of a child or something but the body of a man yeah i don't even know that existed but for sure it's like a benjamin button sort of thing or whatever i guess yeah yeah i think i just reached like a certain

age where it was just like i'm stuck yeah like 18 or something like just like this is it for yeah yeah true your head's perfectly stuck like that yeah that's. Like 18 or something. Like, just like, this is it forever. Yeah, yeah, true. Your head's permanently stuck like that. Yeah, that's sick. Yeah. 18 forever would be the best. What are you on about? I'm sweating my little titties off. Let's go.

Break out the polo, baby. Let's go. Can I feel that? Let's have a look. Feels like I'm in a polo, I think. Nice. It's Walmart. It's Walmart brand, dude.

Is it, yeah? Do love a bit of Walmart, to be honest. Easy to steal from there. Yeah, I went to New Jersey, dude, and they had a bunch of new colors, so I just grabbed like a bunch. What's that one? Turquoise, you reckon, or aqua blue?

Yeah, this one or the purple one. They got a purple one that's pretty sick. What color you reckon that is, though? You reckon it's turquoise or what? Probably turquoise, yeah. Turquoise, I reckon, yeah. That's off-menu. That's nice.

Yeah. Yeah. And that much of the polo save you back. Gives off a good vibe. Like an ocean vibe. Yeah. You know? If you saw me on the beach with this, dude.

Ocean boy. Yeah. If I saw you on the beach with that, I said, that guy swims with the shade on for sure. Right before you go swimming, you do all the calling up. Yeah. Yeah. Just no pants on.

That's sick. Yeah. No, but you just whinny the poo in it. Yo, sick polo, dude. Nice dick. Sick polo. Yeah. Dude, when I was in high school, we had to like raise money for the football team.

Yeah. And we were like going into these rich neighborhoods and like knocking on doors and ask him to donate yeah dude so we went to this one house this dude he just wore white shirts and nothing below so his dick was out risky business tom cruise yeah oh uh but yeah this dude would just like come to the door white shirt on yeah you'd look down see his his balls and his wiener yeah and uh you just have to like give your business speech be like hey man we're raising money for the football team you're like hey man yeah we'll face it and like he would listen we're raising money for that football team that you're not allowed to attend the games for anymore you know that school that you're not

allowed 100 meters off yeah we're raising money for that place but dude you like you would uh you'd like ask him for money or whatever yeah and then he would just start screaming dude but like he would like he'd be making sounds and then this woman would come to the door and be like i'm sorry like he's retarded okay and then why are you letting him answer the door how's he the first point of call i don't know dude and then did the woman give you money after that she'd have to because you'd scream that and so dick. No? I don't think so. Because we were in groups,

so I think then the next group would go by and do the same thing. You didn't warn them, no. You're like, we've got a goldmine in here, boys. Make sure to hit that one again, yeah. That's hilarious, that. We never had done anything like that. For our basketball team, we wouldn't go door knocking know you pack the groceries and shit like that yeah you know what i mean and then we're like all white kids so it's like the worst packers you know just

turnovers we're missing the bag we're like they were like eggs bread they were putting a fucking full pumpkin on it and shit like that yeah don't kill it and shit like that um we used to do like we do like trick-or-treating and then we do like we'd do like trick or treating and then we'd do like Mizzy do you have Mizzy night here Mischief night no it's the night before

Halloween so that's when you'd egg houses and all that and if there was like a pedo on your block you'd brick his house and that like a nonsense house

yeah we we tatted this guy for like a few years and then it turned out that the kids were actually his grandkids so it was a bit of a we'd put a brick through his window every year just turned out they were like these

kids felt so bad for the guy but what are you gonna do we would do that the night of halloween okay so we would wait till everyone went to bed and then we would just take people's pumpkins and like throw them at their house oh yeah that's good yeah that's classic show i love that yeah dude my uh oh you'd egg the roof because it's just annoying. You know what I mean? It's not really egging. You can't really see them, but they know it's up there, so they have to clean it.

You know what I'm saying? Scrambled eggs in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we did this dude's house, and we would hit the house until someone came outside. Dude, we threw like 10 pumpkins at this dude's house. A pumpkin? It's like a medicine ball.

I'm close to you. A foot away, yeah. Oh, no, dude. We were getting like full-on head starts, like launching them like Hail Mary. Oh, like the discus. You got the spin going and shit. We were like breaking his house, dude. We brought out the meter.

Yeah, we did like fucking five pumpkins and then we found out he was deaf, dude. Oh. Yeah, he came outside and he's just like fucking doing this hand signs and shit what the fuck it's fucked man no one did that so many like this kid this guy doesn't get it what the fuck that's crazy one of the craziest things i've ever seen dude was like uh one of like my best friends growing up he was an he was asian yeah he was dating this chick

on my road so she lived up the block and this chick's uh stepfather was like a wicked big dick like he fucking hated him bro yeah yeah so we're like all right we're gonna go egg the house nice it'll be so fucking funny yeah his own house was he living there as well yeah this no the we were gonna we were gonna egg the the stepfather's house oh yeah so she was inside like they were dating and stuff but he was being a dick to like my asian friend or whatever he's just like this fat dipshit like douchebag so we fucking my asian friend takes like three eggs fucking eggs the house i throw like three like eggs at the house bro so we're running down my road it's like a huge hill yeah bro i see this fucking lancer gas it up bro yeah like just like dude this dude was going like 90 miles an hour down the hill

yeah and we see dude i thought it wasn't like fast and the furious like a mitsubishi Lancer, yeah. Like a white Lancer, bro. Is coming down my hill going like 90 miles an hour. Jesus. And then what? What's your plan? Dude, I've never ran so fucking fast in my life. Dude, my Asian friend fucking like jumped in a bush. Oh, he's nimble. He's over fences him.

Probably for sure. Yeah, definitely. He's doing the bars and that of course he is yeah but just watching that from like the bottom of the hill would have been so funny yeah yeah because you just see like a fat dude running and then some asian dude behind him did he catch you no i'll never forget the sound of the dude was like a stick shift lancer just oh yeah dude so this thing's hauling ass down the road my friend like jumps in a bush i fucking ran home dude like i was like i'm not i'm not gonna stop running yeah

he can like my friend can die or whatever like i don't give a fuck we thought it was the stepfather with like a gun or some shit like he was getting ready to kill us but dude it was just a random dude i've nothing to do with the nothing to do with the egging? Nothing to do with the egging. Oh, you fucking idiot. But dude, the timing of that. How did you know it was nothing to do with the, because it was just, the stepdad never had that. Yeah, he didn't have a lancer.

And dude, like, yeah, if it was the stepfather, he would have fucking killed us, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We threw like six eggs at the house, bro. People had no idea, dude. I remember the first time I was 30, we were meeting

Martin Predagast we used to egg people's houses that we knew like our friends that was the funny part of it and we'd egg egging people's the funniest

so you pull up in a car somebody's there you pretend to answer the directions you just egg them or throw a full milkshake at them that's hilarious

from like point blank range as well you're like fuck off and then hope that you don't hit the light we've done it before that we've hit the light and they're just on the windows you're like fuck off yeah and then hope that you don't hit the light we've done it before that we've hit the light

and they're just they're just like on the windows we're like fuck this fuck go through the light fuck it and we were just like outside this house

Andrew Powell we were gonna throw it it was like in the choir fucking gimp and we were like no you throw first you throw first and they're just in the house

watching us they're just going what the fuck are these guys doing so we launch fucking six eggs each we go to we go back to his house we're dying the house watching us they're just going what the fuck are these guys doing so we launch oh fucking six eggs each we go to is we go back to his house we're dying that his mom's already called his mom by the time we get there so it's like they're like have you been egging we're like

no what are you talking about have you ever been caught in the light what do you mean for like oh yeah that one time but we kind of just we just went through it yeah yeah like fuck that yeah dude i remember i got high with this kid who like didn't really get high a lot yeah like he was like really paranoid when he smoked weed yeah dude we got super high and then we drove by this dude on a bike and i think he was like kind of homeless yeah and i i don't know i was wicked stoned dude i just lowered the window and i was like hey fuck you this dude literally just goes no fuck you i'm like dude my friend my friend's driving yeah he's so high dude he literally starts getting wicked paranoid dude like peeled out but dude the

light in front of us was like 30 yards ahead of us yeah it was red yeah so dude we're like stuck at the light and like dude it turned green i've never seen someone like so paranoid their life bro he just went like fucking 60 and like a fucking 30 bro yeah he was like dude go like like i'm fucking i'm running like we're going home i'm like dude the guy's on a bike like he's not gonna yeah exactly he's not gonna catch up to us that's the best response though fuck you no oh sorry wrong person yeah you can't do this what the fuck no fuck you oh touche my man dude yeah yeah that's that's i mean i reckon that was not the first time someone told him, fuck you.

He's on a bike all day. He's like, no, actually, fuck you. For the 10th time. Yeah. He's pissed, man. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my fucking eye, dude. That's so funny.

Do we get phone calls if you don't mind taking that? Oh, hell yes. You get phone calls. Yeah, I don't know how good they are. 1-800-SALAMI. Let's fucking go. Yeah, I don't know how good they are. 1-800-SALAMI. Let's fuck him, girl. Yeah, we'll just take a few, dude. Yeah.

Let's see what we got, dude. This is so funny. Hey, so I got a question for you. If you could get a lap dance from your ultimate celebrity crush, but in order to do so you had to get hammered like absolutely sloshed on cheap gin and then run backwards naked through a spider infested cornfield would you do it and if so who would you be getting a lap dance from yeah let me know well i didn't know this was a political podcast who is that

is that a listener or that just sounds like you from two years ago yeah that was me are you sure that's not just your diary entries

no it's I dream I feel like it's we're doing a lot just for lap dance aren't we I'm not getting a dream blowjob

I believe a dream fucking ride from your dream celebrity though like did you have like a celebrity crush? Yeah, but I don't think LeBron James is going to go for it. To be honest.

Nah, I mean Mila Kunis. Yeah, I would do that. But nah, but she's not slutty enough. I want somebody that would be actually commit to the dance. Yeah, I wouldn't mind going through a spider infested field if I had like some cheap gin. Yeah, exactly. As long as they're not like poisonous spiders.

Like I'm fine with that. Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, I don't drink gin, so I don't even want the gin i'm fine i'll just walk through there i got a naked show in brooklyn in front of fucking bunch of fucking hipster spiders i'll do it fucking for regular spiders you know what i mean yeah i think i would want to do it with like uh i would do that with like um for rachel mcadams the Notebook. Yeah, like then or now? Like then. Then, yeah, for sure.

I think she's probably older now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the time of that movie, after watching that movie, I'd fucking die for that chick. Nice. I would do it for Cardi B for sure. Really? Yeah. Wow.

And she's professional because she used to be a strip club as well. Yeah. When she's not pregnant, if I can pick. Would you listen to her music while it was going down? Hell no, no. Really? Nah. What if that was a part of the deal? That's fine, yeah. What Would you listen to her music while I was going down? Hell no, no. Really? Nah. What if that was a part of the deal?

That's fair, yeah. What would you listen to if she was getting after it? I want Beatle-infused Asian music, please. I know, DJ, I'm going off topic, but yeah, I want it. No, actually, yeah, I would. I want some stripper songs, yeah. Like WAP. Actually, I'll take a bit of WAP or something like that, yeah. Whatever their longest song is, I want some stripper songs. Like WAP. Actually, I'll take a bit of WAP or something like that.

Whatever their longest song is, I want to get my money's worth. Yeah, strip clubs, dude. They got some bangers. You know what I mean? I walked into a strip club once, dude. I'm a Boss was playing by Rick Ross. Songs. It was just like shaking the whole place.

That's fucking sick, that. I've been to Sapphire 69's here. Have you been there? so it's where cardi b used to work yeah sapphire 69s oh wow it's like a famous strip club like a bunch of fucking other like um black like slags turn rappers what used to work there or whatever strippers turn rappers and um and it was sick like i got in free because we make brian b Morris, you know him, he got us in free, me and my mate. And, like, some guy next to me had the guns going, the fucking stripper dollar guns and shit like that.

Oh, shit. And I was, like, low-key just catching them. I was literally, like, he was stripping them, I'd literally be catching them, I'd be like, all right, ladies, yeah. I, like, literally, for, like, half an hour, I didn't spend any money because they were just landing next to me

and I was like, well, fuck, I'm doing this, you know what I mean, yeah. And then I was devastated gave i gave one of them a 20 instead of a one dollar bill and i wouldn't shut up about it all night you can imagine yeah i was with my friend carter i was like he's like what's up and i was like i'll just give it a 20 instead of a one fuck's sake i'm like you reckon i can ask for a refund or change and he's like you can't ask for change yeah and you big uh strip club guy yeah i love strip club yeah yeah yeah i think i've told this story before dude but i went once it was like my first week at bank of america yeah some of the guys who work there was like they were like yo you want to come to a strip club i love that but dude i'd never been before i'd never gone to a

strip club so one of the dudes is like walking me through it. He's like, yeah, man, just throw like your money on the stage. And then he was like, he's like this girl right here. Just give her a good old smack, bro. No, he didn't. That's the only real and finished story. I want to know what happens here. So yeah. So you gave her like $3.

No, dude, I threw a 20 at her. Yeah. Like hit her fucking face yeah and then i like wound up and smacked her ass oh my lord and they were like they were like the lights came on straight away the music stopped they're like what they were like this dude's on some shit man i was like dude you told me to throw money and fucking smack her dude yeah and Yeah. And they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, I had to, like, apologize and shit. I was like, dude, you said give her, like, a good smack.

Like, you know what I mean? And was your friend taking the piss and you didn't think he'd do it? Huh? Was your friend taking the piss and didn't think he'd do it? Was that the... I was just following instructions, man. Yeah, but, I mean, did he think you were going to do it? I don't know.

I don't know. It was, like, my first week. Yeah, yeah, exactly it i don't know i know it was like my first week yeah they didn't really know who i was yeah but but now they know oh now they know i bet you that went around the bank of america for sure that's so funny you know johnny is fucking slapping the fucking back out of bitches bro i thought that was the move you slapped the cheek off this girl yeah yeah that's crazy yeah but dude if like I'm a boss is playing like

shaking the place and you're in the zone throw a 20 dude oh for sure wind up I went to the worst I mean I've been to a bunch but I love

I'd rather a ratchet strip club than a good strip club because the ratchet ones that's where you fucking give them $20 as in like you feel like you're on the line no like

it's just maybe the girls maybe they got a few c-sections but they're definitely gonna blow you in the bathroom you know what I mean

little like legs and bacon type things exactly yeah so like c-section Sundays or whatever the fuck it'll be called

or something like that and you go there and we were in Baltimore for me and my mate Stag do like a bunch of lads he lives in Baltimore now and a bunch of lads came over a bunch of white And we were in Baltimore for me and my mate Stag do. Like a bunch of lads. He lives in Baltimore now. And a bunch of lads ring with him.

A bunch of white dudes like me in Baltimore. It's black as fuck. You know what I mean? And we get off this party bus. And we're getting hammered. And we're like, where's the best strip club? And I'm saying, nah, where's the most ratchet one? They're like, there's the best one.

But this is like the most ratchet one. I'm like, we're going here, boys. So we go in there. And there's like a bunch of us. And one of my mates, Mike Dixon, he was dressed in a skirt. He had a strap going here boys so we go in there and there's like a bunch of us and like one of my mates Mike Dixon he had like he was dressed like in a skirt

he had like a strap on here because we fuck with you when it's a bachelor he had a 12 inch dildo duct taped to his hand that he couldn't take off until somebody like deep throwed it

up to a certain line oh wow so like he's trying to get people regular girls to do this in the bar so he could take it off I'm like we're gonna have to go to the strip club

for somebody to do this it was like get a free shot find a midget all that sort of stuff we had like a tick box and all that we found the midget it was sick as well yeah yeah yeah in fact it went like we lifted up a bin he was in there he was just walking free or whatever and we tried to get him but he scurried off in the bush we lost him so we're in there and then we fucking we're all doing the you know we're back in the strippers and all that sort of shit, you know what I mean, getting a blowjob. And then we get home and the next day my friend's like,

I forgot my idea at the strip club. Oh no. It's the day of the wedding. So we had to go back super early in the morning. We went back at like fucking like 10 a.m. or something like that. And it's still open. Really?

It's still open. We go in there and they're like, welcome back boys. they're like welcome back boys we're like oh no like strippers daylight strippers you don't want to see that and then they're like do you want the dildo back we're like no you get out you get out that love that's and where's the rest of it um so yeah we had to go back and like without tail between our legs and shit like that yeah it was fucking horrible yeah it was disgusting yeah and we were like oh we got the idea what was the name of this place i can't even remember now

we were just fucking hammered you think you'd ever go back hells yeah yeah did you not listen to the story i'm just saying i feel like you'd be going back like every week or something yeah of course yeah you know um i'll hit a few in boston and texas i'll be hitting the strip club how much money are you dropping? So I'm not like, I like the better here than England because you don't have to get a private dance here. You can just drop at the, at the,

you know what I mean? The actual stages. Do you do a performance in England? They're not doing any performances. They're just coming around being like, do you want to dance? Do you want to hang out? Whatever.

Yeah. So here, like I'll just be dropping like a few hundred, not crazy. Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't really had many good experiences here

well I haven't really been wanting to win I mean I got I got fucking roofied in a strip club in Poland and woke up in prison and I still love strip clubs holy shit

yeah I was walking down the street and this guy was like barking people in you know the way they do for shows here where it's like 20 zloty

for two beers two shots that's their currency that was like fucking five dollars so you're like oh let's go we go in there turns out it's a strip club so i'm like fuck it we'll stay anyway you know what i mean but a local culture and then i'm gonna dance off this girl i'm like fat as the ass come with me let's go so we go behind the curtain and right before they give me the dance to give me a shot i'm like oh sick nice let's go and then um and

then i wake up like fucking seven hours later in and then um and then i wake up like seven hours later in prison like the undertaker i wake up like this what the in a prison cell or i'm just doing boxes all my chains are gone and stuff like that i'm standing up sitting down to see if being raped or whatever it's not here or maybe i'm built for it i don't know yeah there's a guy in there so i'm waking up him he doesn't know what i'm saying i don't know what he's saying he's polish yeah so i knock on the thing some massive fucking dude opens it he's got half a swastika tattoo sticking out of his fucking thing not even lying yeah massive dude he's like come with me I'm like fuck he's like blowing this machine he's like are you too drunk go back in I'm

like I was a drunk tank I've been in these around the world it's like the same architecture and then so I go back to sleep I was like fucking I might as well get a nap in or something like that go back to sleep for a bit I was hungover I was dying fuck it I might as well get a nap in or something like that go back to sleep for a bit I was hungover I was dying then I bang on the door again I blow in the bag then he blows in the bag this time

and I'm like oh that's weird but he's like beep beep you can go and my mate's outside waiting for me he's like what the fuck happened last night and I was like

I don't fucking remember anything glad and he was like I waited for you in the strip club I tried to go behind the curtain he wouldn't let me and he finally kicked me out I waited outside till like 6am and he was like oh maybe he's fucked the strip or. I tried to go behind the curtain. He wouldn't let me. They finally kicked me out. I waited outside

till like 6 a.m. and he was like, oh, maybe he's fucked the strip or he's fell in love or whatever T-Pain style again. So he left and then that's when they called the police

because the police get in on it as well. Like they can't take your watches or your jewelry or nothing because that's like theft. But if they scam your money, then it's like, oh, he was drunk.

He paid for this shit. So the shot, the last thing I remember is like they were like, oh, do you want this shot? And I was like, oh then it's like oh he was drunk he paid for this shit so that the shot the last thing i remember is like they were like oh do you want this shot and i was like oh he's included in the price of the dance and they were like yeah and i said that's a great deal and then just fucking roofied myself wow and that was wild i mean literally he ripped all my cards but um i had hsbc so i got all the money back thank fuck yeah shout out that shout out them dude yeah it was sick and then after, I was walking around like King Kong. It got shit on me.

I was like, let's fucking go. Yeah. But I was dying though. The Uber driver was like, your blood alcohol, you could have died here. And I was like, well, I fucking didn't keep driving. Yeah. Legend, dude. Let's go back to the strip club now.

Yeah. My friend went to one in like Switzerland and he said they're like really strict. Like, oh, you got to sit on your hands and shit? No, to get a dance, they're very strict. You can't, like, I don't know. I feel like some of the stuff you can do here, you can't really do there. Oh, American is crazy for that sort of stuff. I'm surprised.

I think you can spank them a bit here. Maybe not, like, fuck, tear your rotator cuff spanking or whatever. You know what I mean? Like the fucking drum from Jumanji going off or whatever the fuck you're doing. But like, yeah. Yeah. You're like, fuck it. You know when Ryan Garcia does that challenge where he punches people in the stomach?

You do that with stripper's asses. You can go viral off that. Go round. Yeah. And just fucking. End up fucking a dude. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know how you got that from. All your stories end with you either receiving a handjob or giving one. That's how the whole ends. I love it. Did you just give that guy in a polo a handjob? No, I got one off him. Okay.

Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, I got one off him. Okay. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's wild, man. Yeah, dude, we'll wrap it up, bro. Oh, sick. Yeah, dude, it was good to meet you, man. I mean, I feel like, well, we've already met, but I think we were supposed to do this.

The first time I met was two years ago. I slept on your couch, you fucking legend. Yeah, we were supposed to do this like a while ago, though. Well, last year I was met to come, but then I mean, I passed away, so i had to cut the trip short which sucked yeah um so yeah thanks for having me on appreciate it it was fine it was good to finally do it man yeah you know and i think that was riff city baby i know yeah it was magic man harry potter magic i know maybe afterwards we should retire we should do a jersey swap

i'll take your polo thanks for having me though and if you want to follow me back in england or where i'm going boston texas next lebron james a comedy on instagram hell yeah dude a lot of people listen are probably from uh boston oh fuck yeah sick yeah that's where you're from oh you're from rhode island yeah yeah um yeah if you just want to shout out your instagram man tell the people uh, Boston. Oh, fuck yeah, sick. Yeah, man. That's where you're from? Oh, you're from Rhode Island, aren't you? Rhode Island, yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, if you just want to shout out your Instagram, man,

tell the people where they can follow you. Yeah. Well, I just did it, but I'll do it again. Nice and slow, dude. LeBron,

I'm having a stroke. LeBron James of comedy on Instagram. I'm going to be in Boston and then Austin, which sounds like I'm saying the same place, but it's different places. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, they both hate black people there I guess like Boston is so racist even the black people are fucking racist but whatever

yeah they're like they're like silently yeah exactly racist yeah yeah fuck the Celtics but yeah thanks for having me love it thanks for coming dude

thank you guys for watching peace