The Johnny Salami Podcast - Liam Dalton

Episode Date: December 29, 2024

Liam Dalton by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha. Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Oh, I'm hurting. What if we just don't say anything? I would like that, man. Secretly, dude.

Why does everyone say that about talking to me? I'll prefer if we said nothing People say that a lot to you. Yeah, you think you talk too much. Maybe What are you thinking when you say stuff? Nothing really? That's good, man. I'm just on autopilot Yeah, people Get pretty mad when I when I'm around cuz I don't really say much Yeah, man, do people do people just assume that you hate them are you one of those guys I don't know people feel man you know I Just get bullied a lot dude. So I kind of annoying you get bullied a lot

Yeah, dude, I went to a fucking work party dude. Like I had to go. In the uh, they had like in the office dude. And there was a guy there who like uh, works for the company bro. This guy fucking wears like has no hair dude wears like Star Wars watches.

Hell yeah. Goes to like Comic Con and shit. Dude this guy was fucking with me the whole time I just straight up like bullying the shit And I had to just like take it Why'd you have to take it cuz I knew I could have like made him cry and shit That's the thing those are the guys that get you the ones that were like, you know, it's an unfair fight So you have to just let take it. Yeah. Well, I knew he was kind of like taking it out on me cuz he's in pain all the time

Like he's got he's got his own demons to deal with bro. So I just kept thinking that I was like this guy's got shit going on You know, he's taking his life. His wife's probably cheating on him dude Was this whole storyline going on in your head while this is happening? I was like this guy's cut fucking demons You're like good for me for being his punching bag. He needs this. I mean, it's fine dude, but you gotta fucking He's just gonna work on the jokes, man. You know, what was he saying? Well people always say the same shit They're like, oh yeah, keep it down It's all right the first time but then they just keep doing it i'm not gonna I feel like I said something similar To that to you yesterday

Probably yeah, I was like, hey, can you stop yelling at me? Okay. Yeah, it's fine. Like once like once is cool, man I'll give you like a little smirk and stuff But dude, if you keep doing it, it's like bro, like I'm gonna fucking roast you Deb so when I said that last night were you like, it's alright. He's got fucking red hair. He's So when I said that last night where you like it's all right. He's got fucking red hair. He's Give you a little smirk. Yeah, I got this one time It's a free trial. I got in trouble wants to exist kid on the football team like dude. He was fat as fuck Did you look like Peter Griffin? This guy fucking huge

He fucking made fun of me once like in the locker room He said something similar. He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like don't look so excited because like we had won the game. Dude, I fucking scoop slammed his tits and I called him a fucking retarded lesbian and dude, he told the coach he told on you. Wow. Literally told on me. Dude. That's so yeah. I just sit down with the coach. He's like, did you scoop a kid's tits? Wait, I know the scoop but you scoop slam. Is that when you bring it back double scoop slam So I scoop both of his tits up and slam them down. It's like an alley-oop. Yeah, it's a fucking absolute roast scoop slam

Yeah, and you call them That's a pretty good that's a pretty pretty good play, but I've learned to uh Stay calm over the years, you know So do you when that does happen and you retaliate do you get like fired up like? No, not loud. I just like say fucked up shit. I would love to see that No, it's really bad like it never pays off. It's always like I mean I think that I know he told on you, but I think that paid off. Yeah. One time dude, we were at a diner and this fucking fat chick who I hung out with when I was younger, dude, she like

made front like funny me a croak from across the table. So there's like 10, it's like all of our friends, like 10 of us to wear like a public restaurant. Yeah. And dude, I just snapped. I was like, you're fucking fat. Everyone fucking... Everyone lost. Oh, sorry. Are you the guy where it's like, even if someone's making a joke and they're roasting you, you'll just say a matter-of-fact statement about them. You hear that guy?

Pretty much like what everyone's thinking. Yeah, yeah. Because that... As funny as that is, that'll kill the entire mood of everyone where they're just like damn You have to bring up that my father died. Yeah, it's never someone who's like a good person It's always like someone who's like God like demon. They got fucking Serious problems, dude. They got skeletons in the closet. Yeah, and you are aware of them Yeah, and you're willing to say it

Isn't that like all it is though people have to like project their insecurities on you to yeah for sure For sure. I feel like I don't realize how common that is where so many people they're just like Fucking my wife's cheating on me. I gotta call this guy gay. Yeah That's why I think it's all it is dude I don't know what else it would be like no one's like doing well and it's like I got a fucking Yeah, call this guy a fucking retard In front of like an entire office. Yeah, you know if that girl wasn't fat She wouldn't have tried to roast you in front of the whole diner exactly dude while she's eating fucking pancakes That's a bold move. Yeah, you could literally just look down and be like yeah, I should probably keep this to myself

I shouldn't say anything such a layup man Such a scoop slam Yeah, I would have gotten hard though Yeah, man, that's all right Especially here, bro. Everyone's like a mental health advocate Yeah, and everyone who's like a mental health advocate will like make fun of me Really? It's kind of funny dude, cuz it's like They're like, you know, like if you need help like don't be afraid to call the suicide hotline

Just like kill yourself like Roasting people like me like all the time Well, there's also there's a they use different ways to roast to where it's like they'll be like, oh well someone needs therapy It's like you can't use the mental thing to now fucking shit on me. Yeah, I mean, yeah I know a chick who's like hard into that stuff Like she's like if you need help like call this number and dude, she's like roasted me She makes fun of me every time I like talk to her dude.

Have you ever used that against her like oh I might need that number again after you said that? No. Maybe you should maybe that should be your user as like a reference. Do they have references for the suicide hotline? Yeah just give them like all of her info. Reference as in she told me to call or references. She's why i'm calling both Be like, hey, she told me to call and she is the bully I don't think you should work with this person anymore, dude She told me to kill myself, but she gave me the number to stop it. So it's fine. Yeah

Well, shit, there's mad crime going on tonight, dude mad crime. That's why I was late But dude at this fucking work party, bro, they had games and stuff. My boss was setting up games and stuff. Dude, she had me as basically a pet to show a fucking how-to video. So it's me and this other chick, and she's telling us how to play the games,

and she's videotaping it, dude Dude, so there's this one game You each get a spatula and you feel if you're fucking blindfolded dude, and you have to fucking Scoop fucking ribbons into a bucket like a bucket Like you're blindfolded dude and the whole time. I'm just scooping the table, bro I can't I can't see shit dude. So whole time i'm just scooping the table bro. I can't I can't see shit dude So i'm just like aggressively scooping the table And I think i'm like scooping ribbons because you can't really like feel the ribbons or anything like i'm just like oh

i'm probably crushing it and the star wars guy too But dude is fucking the next one you had to like put fucking uh, like solo cups on your hands and pick up marshmallows and put them into like a bowl. And dude, she's videotaping us. And then dude, she played the video in front of the entire office. So the entire office is watching me like scoop nothing with a spatula. And they already fucking hate me too. Why do they hate you? I don't know some quiet do they others like this kid never fucking says shit, you know, oh Man, so what were they laughing at the video? Were they just like I think they were just like this kid's fucking retarded What the fuck is this? Are you quiet to the point where people might think you're retarded? I think so. Yeah, it's pretty dope

It's fucking sick man. I love it dude like that's if you think that's probably good for your mental health because it keeps those Idiots away from you for sure man. Yeah What being quiet and wearing triple XL eyes are polos dude like I know who my friends are dude Cuz like people sometimes people fuck with you just cuz you like dress nice and like I know who my friends are, dude. What do you mean? I didn't know. Because like people, sometimes people fuck with you just because you like dress nice and like say fake shit. But like for me, it's like I look like a fucking idiot, dude. So if you don't say a word, if someone fucks with me, I know for sure they really fuck with you. Yeah.

Damn. You know what I'm saying? So it's almost like a secret weapon, dude. You know, like you think you think saying so it's almost like a secret weapon, dude Like you think you think you if you were rocking like Some fucking homeless clothing you think like you'd have the same crew You think people would drop out now? The homeless attire is in now. Yeah, so now I probably have more friends What about like Walmart shit Walmart? I don't know. I meant more like low-class like mmm I don't know cuz my meant more like low class like... I don't know because my friends, I'm friends with some people that are like fake fashionistas.

So they already act like I rock Walmart shit. So that would probably just make them feel even better about themselves. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm like, yeah one of my friends, if I'm wearing something that's not from France, he's like, What is this, third grade? Well, is he homosexual? Basically? Yeah, not not on paper. Is it closeted? Probably. Yeah I mean his brother is is out. So it I mean that's genetic. Yeah, it's just science. That makes sense, dude Yeah Yeah, I never fucking understood it man. But what being gay? Oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah never fucking understood it man, but what being gay No, just the whole fashion thing it's never really made like it kind of makes sense, but it kind of like Doesn't make sense like I get it if it's that's what you genuinely like to wear Yeah, then I get it, but I think a lot of people are just like oh this will make The guy who works at the BBC store in Soho look down at my ankles. I'm gonna buy this you know I mean Yeah, like I like to wear dumb stuff sometimes just cuz it's fun like I'll wear like a tie-dye fucking Lil Nas X shirt or whatever just cuz I'm like yeah, it's fun to look like an idiot. That's what you're thinking me you put it on Cuz I'm like yeah, it's fun to look like an idiot. That's what you're thinking when you put it on

Base a lot of my decisions. Yeah, I feel like you you're looking in the mirror like dude I'm gonna get some fucking pussy. I Don't know if I've ever had that thought in the mirror. Yeah, I think about it when I look at like a picture of like Terry Cruz oh, yeah, like I'm gonna get some pussy tonight if I just channel this energy Yeah, man, like I feel like that's kind of a whole goal of like dressing nice That was like when you're going out you're like, dude, let's get some fucking pussy, you know Yeah I have I have to so my goal when I'm putting on an outfit is always have the best of both worlds where it's like I want to wear dumb stuff that might be kind of crazy and I know

Women don't like that. Yeah, I women want me to wear like plain stuff So I'm always trying to find a middle ground of like, okay, this is cool Stupid stuff that I like to wear and mixed with a little bit of plain like okay A woman will acknowledge me as a human being. Yeah, I mean I respect that man. Thanks. I'm always searching for a middle ground Yeah, I wear the Walmart clothes man because they're comfortable But also I want like a fucking woman to see me and be like yo is that guy retarded? And then like hopefully I have the chance to like take my shirt off, you know

Do you want her to think that so she could be like I have to help him? Yeah, I want her to be like mom No, I just want to be like seen for like what's underneath damn what's underneath just tits she probably has the same goal that would be funny though cuz like it's like I already look like shit like wearing the polos and stuff And then like if a chick gave me a chance I like take it off and she's wow, that's even worse Like it all makes sense now. I disagree man. I think you look good. I think it's your signature style That's the goal man to like look homeless, but be like fucking ripped Yeah, I feel like the the polo the Walmart polos. It's not homeless. It's like a middle ground of like

Okay, he cares enough to put on a probably clean shirt But he doesn't care not like he doesn't care what it looks like Yeah, if that is a middle ground to that like that is middle of America type shit right there. Yeah, man Yeah, I put them on I'm like do this. I Remember the first time I put on a Walmart polo, dude. I just knew I was gonna be dedicated for the rest of my life Not even kidding. It was like a seance. Yeah, it was on like anything else man cuz like the material it's like You can do anything in it man. All right now I feel like I'm in a commercial and you're just getting a sponsorship and you tricked me into coming here

This is all just like a promo This is a set of a Walmart commercial All those ads now they're like fake podcasts where they're making it seem like they're just talking about it naturally Like yeah, so where'd you go to high school? Anyway, Walmart polos that I knew once I put that on my life was gonna be you know fucking funny That would be to have a Walmart fucking Ben Hogan polo commercial. I'm just like, when I put on that Ben Hogan polo, I knew right away. But that's how reliable they are is that they don't even need commercials. No, you would need me like doing shit like you need like a clip of me playing basketball

and then going to like a funeral or something. Like you'd have to show me doing stuff in it. Would you like do you? exercise in that too Well, dude, I don't want to ruin them But isn't Literally like that's my thought process like if I'm going to the gym like I've worn them before and I've fucking crushed PRs in them

Like no joke. I've literally like this will add fucking 30 pounds to your bench, dude What is it? Is it like remember those wristbands? I remember when I was in like middle school There was those wristbands and they were like if you put this wristband on it'll extend your flexibility You remember those balance ones? Yeah, yeah, is that like the Walmart? Oh, no, that was all just like a pyramid scheme. I agree Yeah, but it seems like that's where you're is that like the Walmart Polo? No, that was all just like a pyramid scheme I agree. Yeah, but it seems like that's where you're pitching me on the Walmart Polo that I mean You know some PRS I think a lot of it has to do with like when you get there and you show up to the gym and a polo dude

like You have to go hard can't just fuck around like Cuz everyone's gonna be like this guy better fucking show up you know what I mean you have everyone's attention I don't know about that I just feel like you have to put on for the for the town like for the people you know for the city yeah for the for the Mart yeah gotta put on for the Mart it's hard to explain man but I wear them I just like to have the best workouts in my

life but then I have to fucking wash them right away instead of like, you know What if you get like a separate wardrobe of just workout polos? That's what I've been I'm probably gonna do that dude, cuz I just got a few gift cards So I'm probably gonna put those towards that. Does that way your family gets you for Christmas? Cuz they just know how much you know I'm gonna invest I probably have like 50 polos man. People think I have like two or three Does that what your family gets you for Christmas because they just know how much you know invest I Probably have like 50 polos man people think I have like two or three. I probably have like close to 50. That's crazy I have so many I can't even fit them all my closet But a lot of them are IZAD which I moved on from why?

Just the quality man. It's not Bringing it. I think I did I dedicate my life to them and they didn't sponsor me and quality man. It's not bringing it. I think I did. I dedicated my life to them and they didn't sponsor me. And the quality, man, it's not the same. Really? It's not that like flex fit type shit that it used to be. More like that cotton stuff that just kind of like fucks, fucks its own ass. Damn. Yeah. Thanks, Joe Biden. I know, dude. Well, Trump's coming back. He'll probably fix that.

He'll probably fucking sell off eyes on, you know. Damn. So so what's the what's the lower attire with the Polos? I see you got the jogger on right now. Is that would that be a job? Well, I think now that Trump's back in office, dude, I feel like the sweatpants at Walmart are gonna make a comeback. Hell yeah, you know, they used to have the Hanes now they got some like dog shit brand. Yeah, no. But now, yeah, if they get Hanes back and like fruit of the womb fruit of a loom, it's over man, bro Fuck around through the loom. Oh, hell yeah underwear and shit

Yeah, that's that's my fucking childhood. Yeah. Shout out. Shout out FOL There's still around that. They're still crushing it. Hell. Yeah, bro. They've never let us down once Yeah, once I started wearing those dude Fucking change my life man. I thought you're gonna get emotional Well, do you remember when you were younger like do you remember what you were rocking for underwear? for the room probably for um, I don't say around like They didn't really have that type of technology dude when we were growing up. Wait what is it a new thing? Technology well, I'm talking about the the boxers that are like compressed they kind of like tights your legs

Oh, yeah, no not those. I don't see the compressed ones. I'm not a fan because dude I remember growing up like we're in fucking Like boxers that were like kind of baggy Yeah, I kind of rock with the baggy boxers that were like kind of baggy. Yeah. I kind of rock with the baggy boxers though. For real? Yeah. I mean you don't chafe at all?

With the baggy ones? I almost feel like I'll chafe a little with the tighter ones. How? I don't know. I think I'm just built different. Fuck dude. I don't know. Just got massive hamstrings.

Bro my hamstrings are out of this world. Just making love to each other, dude Yeah, what was the I guess Haynes probably growing up Yeah, Haynes is big man. I remember wearing tighty whitey's bro, but I dude I would wear tighty whitey's like I Don't even know if I wipe my ass when I was young You know because I remember going to like the boys club and shit and I remember like pulling down my pants like at the pool No, I'm just kidding. I remember you know you do that now. Yeah, I remember taking off my fucking swim trunks after like a swim Session bro, and just having like a fucking six inch skid mark, dude

Yeah, yeah, that's that's a classic and then you had to hang it up on the fucking clothes Everyone knew what you did. Yeah, the whole neighborhood knew what was going down That's the worst part. Why do you have to show your work? It's crazy, man. You remember that transition from tighty whities to boxers. That's when you really become a man Yeah, dude I remember taking my fucking swim trunks off at the boys and girls club And I remember my friends being like to do even fucking white It's like legit shit It was so bad, dude

Were you wiping I think so man. I just I started wiping differently like a few years back Was the switch in game plan No, I used to do I used to stand up when I wiped and I would only wipe one direction So I would be using like a whole roll of toilet paper, dude. Oh One direction on the toilet paper. No, I guess you wouldn't one direction Shout out Nile horn Yeah, man, just up. I'll just wipe up up so it would take like an hour to wipe my ass Now I'm confused you just wipe up and now you wipe up and then also go down

Yeah I would like shit my fucking nuts off like I was fat as fuck and then I would just stand up and just wipe up And I would do that like 50 times in a row and now I now I sit down and I wipe both ways, dude. I think I only Wipe one direction right now for real you stand up you just sit down. I mostly sit down now I think that's just getting older and lazy Yeah, I think standing up is when we were youths. Yeah, we had a lot of energy Well a lot of it has to do with like how fucking fat you are dude says a fat person like if I was I should have

Been sitting down wiping my ass line. I really get in there Well, you could get in more when you're sitting. Yeah, I can like really spread my gooch and shit I guess that makes sense but also I used to think like oh you can't get it as good if you sit down But now I also think it's kind of gross to do it standing up because like there might be like a splash center You know I mean no, I don't if you're You're standing up and wiping who's to say a piece isn't gonna go flying into your sink And you know I mean like or on the floor right here You know what I'm saying? We're like if you're sitting down you're doing it. So shit. So you take a pro

Brother you don't know me. I am a Couple of these and my bathroom is done. Well, maybe do cuz you're like in good shape As a fat person I can't it's all congested down there. There's nothing getting out You I'm trying I'm trying to get it out It's not it's not coming out. You know what i'm saying? No, that's what that's why I had fucking skid marks, dude Because it was just like trapped in there, but I have skid marks too. I don't want it. I'm still

What do you think it's from though? Like how you wiping shit? No, uh, I don't think so. I just have ibs. Oh for Oh for you. Yeah shit, man. Yeah, you just shit We have a moment of silence. Yeah, dude. So you're just shitting all the time. I should pretty often Yeah, is it like does it affect your life? Like could you have your own commercial and shit? I think I think I'm just on the cusp where I could have a commercial Yeah, all those commercials are like if you have moderate to severe. It's like what if you just have a little bit So it's like those commercials where it's like the dudes you go into the sports game and they're like

on their way in and you're just like, I'll meet you guys in there. Yes, yes, exactly. And then you miss like the game winning home run. Fucking Babe Ruth came back and hit a walk off. So you could be in one of those, you think? I, oh yeah, for sure. That'd be pretty sick.

I would destroy that commercial and the bathroom on set. They gotta make a porno like that where like you go into the bathroom and just get like a Blumkin Oh, I thought you're gonna be like you're about to have sex with your wife, and then you're like I'll meet you guys And then you come in and the plumber is banging your wife That's the commercial Don't be a porno per se that'd be more of a commercial no, but they are having sex Oh the plumber and plumbing your wife not you though No, I'm not getting plumb. Okay, I'm I'm gonna need a plumber after I go to the bathroom You watching or just kind of like shitting your fucking brains out? I'm shitting my brains out and then I'm like, ah, honey

We got to call the plumber. Yeah, she's like I'm right on it. You're right Yeah, she's like I'm right on it. You're right I only make a cameo in the beginning and then you hear my voice over while she's getting railed and then I come in At the end and I'm like, oh he came fast and she's like no he didn't Wow, dude You should be fucking right I felt like I was there dude. It's crazy. Like you were describing it and all I could think about was like shit sounds in the back. Should we add some some sound effects? Yeah, dude one time no joke. I thought about making a mixtape of No vocals just fucking just fart sounds and orgasm sounds like overlapping each other.

I would pay $5 for that. Dude. That would be. Because if dude, if you were like high as tits in your friend's car and you just started playing that, that would be funny. That would be great. And you don't tell them you just press play. Can you please do that?

My Asian friend used to do shit like that, dude? He had a fucking Mazda 6 dude stick sure. Yeah fucking Felt like I was in Tokyo drift every time I was with him, dude Dude, he pulls up to a fucking Burger King drive-thru Dude just starts blasting Pornhub. That is full volume ordered with a straight face and we were high we were high I have no idea how he pulled it off did they address it at all no that's amazing I have no no like numb to all this boy I was lit I couldn't breathe

dude I was laughing which drive through was it fucking burger they were so like they were so pissed man but they like still just went along with it, you know Like they fulfilled the order. That is so funny. They have bro. They They're more professional than cops Yeah, dude, they have to fucking I feel like they have a lot on the line though You know I guess yeah, they do this one specific burger king You know I Guess yeah, they do this one specific Burger King

Just they don't even flinch dude like they will fucking follow through with the order no matter what that's awesome This chick broke up with me dude after like a year and a half damn in like a high school or whatever And I was so upset dude I started like spiraling out of control and I was like I told my friends would meet him at this Burger King, dude And I showed up dude wearing fucking leggings Dude, I put lipstick on Put on a blonde wig And I ran up to the drive-thru dude and pulled my pants down and I spread my butt cheeks

So like my sphincter is facing Pans down and I spread my butt cheeks. So like my sphincter is And my friends are inside I'm like hoping and praying that they're looking And you still ordered I just wanted attention man and nobody gave it to me And I like fucking pissed dude. I ran into the fucking Burger King, and I was To lipstick on blonde wig leggings on dude was wearing like a fucking wife beater What was their reaction Walk in to the Burger King, and I just screamed I was like yo is this Joey's beef

Bone beef barn beef barn nobody laughs Man they didn't even flinch bro. I'm telling you man. They're on a different I don't know if it's cuz we're like so upset with what's going on But like do they do not fuck around man? Is it just like that's a normal thing for them to have a guy walk in with a blonde wig lipstick? I don't know I fucking went to the Burger King and I went to the McDonald's like down the road recently And I ended up asking for a fur burger I have it on video dude a fur burger. Yeah, like a hairy pussy I have it on video dude a fur burger. Yeah, like a hairy pussy Thank you, thank you very much. Let me see if I can find the video dude

That was the one here the one bro this lady was so polite about it. She didn't even care at all Did you think she knew or do you think she was like that's actually on the European menu? She was um Okay fat Or do you think she was like that's actually on the European menu? She was um, okay Then you drive off I Then you drive off That's amazing I would have loved if you were like no furbergs. All right, I'll do a big mac Yeah, dude, I should have food man. I was pretty hungry Dude, I was sweating when I was doing that really so scared Why you seem so fucking down the road like in the hood wait down the road here. Yeah, like in the one on the Queens Northern Boulevard isn't like Jackson Jack Knight's yeah

But it was perfect dude cuz the drive-thru like the exits right after the drive-thru. Yeah, I like peeled out Come out with guns So the person behind me was gonna be like, this guy fucking serious. So I had to set up my camera like pointing at me and like I'm doing that in the fucking parking lot like, I'm like, dude, this better fucking work. I hate, I don't think they have

Secret Service spying on you. Yeah. But dude, I miss that shit, man. Like, that is the best. Dude, the adrenaline you get from that. Yeah I still egg a house or something. Hey There's like that's my favorite pastime just fucking with someone at the drive-thru like that's you have to do that How can you go through drive-thru and not do that? I don't even know man. I wouldn't be doesn't it make sense

Like I ruined it because people started doing the the ice cream shit. Is that the one I? Saw one where they grabbed the ice cream and What they throw it people would order like a vanilla cone and then just take it and throw it at the employees The employees yeah, dude. What the fuck like yo, that's like the salt Damn what just for like tick tock Yeah, they were like making videos of it. Yeah. They look really cracked down on that, man. I don't know what they did, but like they really fucking, you know, how do you crack down on that? Do they get them like shields? I don't know, man. Somebody went to a town council meeting and

like really fucking stepped up. They were like, if you do this, like you're going to fucking jail Honestly, I'm okay with that. I feel like that is kind of assault it is like you know But there should be a price at McDonald's where you pay a little extra and you get to throw it at the employee Yeah, like I don't like their tip. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so like for like whatever 299 for the cone no you can't assault an employee. Yeah, so like for like whatever 299 for the cone. No, you can't assault an employee. Yeah 599 Yep, go for it depends like what location to yeah on the body if you're gonna go face you drop it at least 20 Yeah, yeah, you know 20 for the face. Yeah

You get that shit in your eyes, dude. It's like yeah, that sucks. I know actually For the face it should be 20 and then the employee gets the rest of the day off you think so I would just call my friends be like yo roll through yeah knock me in the face please yeah but things like that man that adrenaline that you get doing that yeah, there's nothing like it Even the buildup is a part of it where you're nervous before it's like before you go up on stage, dude It's like it's very similar. It really is. She's like what's about to go down like anything could happen It's like scarier than going on stage though, cuz the stage there is a but it's a crowd. This is one-on-one

Yeah, and it's so much more intimate Going on insane, bro. It's crazy. Now. I want to do it right now. Yeah What's what's What's a do you have another one in mind next time you go a different different McDonald's? No, like a different thing to do or say to... I really... I keep thinking about shit that's not funny, you know? And I'm like, all this would be funny. And then you kind of wake up the next day and you're like, that wouldn't be that funny.

You ever do that? Yeah, for sure. You're just kind of like caught up in the moment, man. Yeah, and it's like 2 a.m. and you're like, oh. Like the moment man. Yeah, you know like 2 a.m. And you're like like the porn thing I When we first did that with my Asian friend it was funny because it was like unprompted like he just did it Yeah, he fucking he dropped a bomb on me dude. Yeah, Nagasaki Straight up just drop the bomb on you what it dropped what?

Nagasaki was that I don't know but. But it fits for the Asian friend. Somebody did Asian bombings. Some shit. I could have said Pearl Harbor, but it's too generic, dude. That's right. I catch your Tokyo Drift. Yeah. But yeah, the second we tried doing it again, planned.

Oh, no. Not the same. And it was depressing, man. It wasn't as funny. Yeah. No, the real thing is now you have to pass it along and you have to shock someone Kawasaki Mr. Miyagi when you're with someone you have to just do it. Yeah, cuz it's all in the shock Yeah, maybe it's all in the having like you're almost like a like a hostage in that situation Because you're with him you didn't sign up for this, but now you're in it with him.

That's the best part. If you like even the furball, furburger, big fan, but it's not the same when you're alone. You need someone else with you to be like, come on, you're in this with me. So someone that you don't really know that well. That's another level. That's another level. I was with my friend Aaron and he, like a bunch of his drinks went on my tab.

What's funny about Aaron? Sorry. A bunch of his drinks went on my tab the night before, so I was with him and he owed me money and he was like, oh, I don't have Venmo. Classic. And let's go to an ATM. And we went to this deli with an ATM and there was this old Indian lady and we're like hey how are you and I was like this guy

owes me money he's trying not to pay me and she the best part is that she was not on board with any of this and she was just freaked out and I was like he owes me money trying not to pay me and she was like okay and then he paid me and then we walked out and I kind of had him in like a headlock and I was like he gets to live another day and she was just Okay. I was just like he had no idea that was gonna happen. She hated it That's the best case scenario for me a good joke. No, not really. Yeah, but that's what makes it better. Yeah My uncle used to always fuck with the McDonald's people like a lot of McDonald's around here Like we're saying they're pretty hood and it's like the meanest people working there yeah and then it would be

like the biggest like the meanest black lady working behind the counter and then and everyone should be yelling at everyone and then my uncle would go up and be like did I see you on the movies last night are you married they see you on Dancing with the Stars and then she's like give him extra fries and I'm like yeah wow dude fucking legend bro legend and, he would steal all the napkins and All the straws so that just to stock our kitchen and then I remember one time they they changed the system So you couldn't take multiple at once and he was like damn they changed it and he was like, oh wait They can press a button in the whole thing open. He's like, oh even better do we got the fucking motherload when they change the system man, that's sucked

Especially the ketchup now you gotta ask for it's like what the fuck's going on. That's bullshit. I know fucking that's my 9-eleven Dude same man. They used to have the ketchup that you would just fucking jerk off You get as much as you wanted that was always so fun I know man the jerk-off ketchup five guys still has that yeah if you do that motion too yeah yeah that's like skin as much as you want man and eating fucking chicken nuggets and shit mmm yeah man random shit dude is always so funny like I had to give a comic a ride dude and we were like in the middle of a four-way intersection and I had just turned on the radio and

I was listening to the fray the fray had just come on how to save a life. So you found me Hello, and I just thought about how funny would be if I fucking peeled out Because I didn't really know I really know No medium the fray came on and I started Just fucking shredding like with a straight face Like right in the middle before And then you drop him off and then it's how to save a life and then you peel off Yeah, but if I get a straight face just didn't say anything. That's fantastic

That's amazing yeah, you do have to be careful though man cuz like I Feel like anytime I try to do like retarded shit like something bad happens like what like someone gets hurt or something The bad happens like what like someone gets hurt or something? What happened last time you played the fray well, dude, I remember like When I did have a girlfriend this was like in like high school, man I'd like a truck dude, and I went sledding with a friend. So we pick him up He's in the back of the truck. My girlfriend's at the front. we go sledding have a good time and there was like a snowstorm and dude I went like fucking 45 miles an hour down the road and I just fucking

drifted oh shit for like two telephone phone like links It's like 200 feet and dude we were Did this on purpose to fuck with them? I mean if they had no expectation like I just like randomly just gassed it up I love that and I had no idea we were gonna drift that long I love that and I had no idea we were gonna drift that long You're fucking drifting towards this house and I'm Literally like screaming like oh my god What are you laughing during this like when you see the house coming up Like she was like, oh my god. We're gonna hit the fucking house

Dude we fucking I legit no joke Drifted into this guy's yard. What's the fucking land like dude? I was this close to his fucking siding. Oh my god. I just fucking drove Just remember how fucking mad she was If I drove through that house, you know fucking funny that would've been Cause it was just random like nobody was expecting it Yeah, most people don't expect to be driven into a house They were just like yeah, he just gassed it up and drove through a house. We don't know why you know But it was for the bit. Yeah, and it was so random. You know Johnny he does random shit like drive us into a house. We don't know why you know, but it was for the bit. Yeah, and it was so random

You know Johnny he does random shit like drive us into a house. Yeah that adrenaline though, dude. Oh It's fucking hard as a rock man That was the hardest you've ever been with your own That was I miss moments like that man. What was you like? What did you what do you say after that? Are you just like my bad? I think we just got in like a really big fight and my friend in the back was like Yeah, she's a bitch And I was like dude, she has huge tits He's like bro, you're on the right that was hilarious, but she's got big knockers you gotta apologize

That was like all fucking high school relationships, dude Yeah, your friend just being like dude. She's a bitch man. Like why are you with her? And you're just like have you seen her fucking tits? And he's like you're right you're right Guys are like now dude. I feel like you probably have friends that are like that. Oh, yeah for sure, bro My friends are the dumbest like most like whenever you hear someone talk about toxic masculinity That's my friends like so much to a point where they're like they've got to be putting it on Yeah, like they're like come on like they get mad at me if I don't tell them about Every single time I've had sex in my life for real like that's selfish, bro

Why are you um when you and like has a girl ended things with you recently? No, but recently like a girl that I was I've kind of hooked up with once or twice I didn't I Didn't text back in time and she was like I lost the fire in this situation I was like I got that I didn't even know there ever was yeah, so I respect After that happened Did you like hit the gym, dude? No, because I kind of didn't blame her like it wasn't enough like um resentment to hit the gym But I've had that before I like the my last relationship after we broke up. I was at the gym every single day, dude

That's the only thing I miss about getting pussy man is when a chick sends you that text and she ends things And you immediately hit the gym doing just fucking max out on calf raises Put on fucking meek mill dude, you start looking people in the eye that you usually look down on yeah, you know fucking Start saying like gangster shit and they're like, oh shit. He's got eyes on dude. You get that dog in you again Bro, once you get that dog in you I have that I've had the male version of that now We're just kind of gay but it's like when a guy like when someone like is like Spiteful towards you like even the bald guy with the Star Wars shit

Have you read that where it's like that puts that dog in you? We're like, oh, yeah, you're gonna fucking try to bully me at the holiday party. Just fucking wait you piece of shit Yeah, that's that's always fun too. That's in the back your head. Yeah, that's pretty sick. Yes That's that's I'm in that era right now. Yeah, I used to be that way, but I think Nothing gets me fucking Jacked up like just getting fucked in the ass. What the? Nah, I just mean uh...

Some people want it to happen, some people wish it would happen. Others make it happen. But dude, when you get... I miss that so much, man. When a chick just ends things and you just feel like yourself again, dude. Yeah. You feel like a fucking peacock, but it's it's a weird thing We're like at first you kind of have that liberation. You're like hell. Yeah, this is the best thing never happened And then like a month later you're like, but I kind of like that. Yeah, I miss that that's sad Yeah, it's pretty short-term. Yeah one time I had a girl like She basically wrote a corporate email to break up with me. She was like, due to the unforeseen circumstances, we should refrain from talking. I was like, what the fuck? Oh, for real? Yeah, that sucks,

man. That was the worst one. Would you rather she had done in person? Well, it was right when COVID hit. So it was like, we went on a couple of dates. And then a couple months into it, we were just like texting and we weren't meeting up at all because you know Fucking Joe Biden's America. Yeah, and then and then she yeah, so we wouldn't have happened in person I just wish she didn't make it so fucking formal, you know, I just be like hey, maybe we shouldn't do this like We should refrain for if you're using refrain. Yeah, I don't know what that means That's fucking so gay dude. Yeah, she's I don't know what that means That's fucking so gay dude. Yeah, she's Like I'm thinking in my head is probably the best

It's probably what probably for the best man, you know that that girl that she ended things Yeah for sure. Yeah, and also I don't know if she's gonna watch this but And I curved her after that oh yeah, dude god is good, dude. Oh, yeah Yeah, man, even my mom like she's an older woman and she's like, yeah, I couldn't uh, I couldn't like uh I'm with her. Yeah, she's like I couldn't imagine like dating nowadays You know Because people are just fucking Jerking each other off and shit, man

What like people are just like pounding each other and then just move it on. Yeah, which is kind of cool though Yeah, I just like I think I would need to go through some sort of like training You know to get like mentally prepped for that type of stuff mentally prepped. I think about it all the time I just don't have the nuts man to just be like Just put on some future, dude You know, oh cuz you got emotionally attached cuz I'm chasing checks Not chasing bitches. Yeah, we don't chase these hoes. We got asthma. Yeah Like sometimes I listen to future at the gym and shit, you know, it's on math mask off. Yeah

He's like chase a check never chase a bitch. Yeah fucking doing calf raises a dude I just think about like fucking plowing chicks And I just never do it man that's the thing like I I'm so lazy that I'm never gonna get that get laid that much yeah you ever see growing up those kids would have those shirts those Nike shirts that said lazy but talented I need a shirt that says like horny but talented no horny, but lazy I'm not talented, but I am horny and lazy you wanted to say horny and lazy horny, but lazy That'd be funny visit horny and lazy horny and lazy. Yeah, I mean yeah Yeah, man, it takes a lot dude, it's a lot of effort man

I'm not sure how much effort it really takes It looks exhausting man. I mean, you know leaving the house is a lot of effort. I just feel like it's just more fun man to like Have a chick just fucking like break your heart and then just like add that to the the diary man It's better than just like hanging on to some chick Just being depressed. Yeah, she's like changing you, you know, you give up on comedy like yeah You don't have that dog in you anymore. She's like wiping her skid marks. Yeah, she's like you're fucking Yeah, she's your fucking bitch, dude. I do feel like it does take the dog out of you for sure, dude Yeah, cuz like dude, it's all about energy. Yeah, you know, I know it sounds gay

But it's like dude, if you have a if you have titties in your life, it's impossible not to think about titties Exactly now your thoughts went from like dick jokes to like kind of dick jokes, but primarily titties Yeah, just think about tits all the time, dude And if you have tits out of the house, are you gonna leave the house to go fucking work on a joke? No, no, you just suck on some titties, dude. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's why it's not. All right. Fucking it's like kryptonite, dude, for a comedian.

Yeah, I don't get how anyone can do that. Yeah, I guess if you're just like not attracted to your wife anymore, that makes sense. Because you're not like, oh, I'm going to suck on some titties. Yeah, you're like, gross, I got to get out of here. I get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You know, so I guess you either stay single or marry a woman you're not attracted to. Yeah, you know so I guess you either stay single or marry

A woman you're not attracted to Yeah, man, only way to make it. I guess you just smash like your whole fucking life Yeah But even that it's like then you got to put in effort to do that and Then that's taking effort away from the dick jokes. It's like short-term effort though, dude So you're like you invested. Then it ends. You get motivated. Then you just keep doing that over and over.

I think that's what I'm gonna do. It's like microdosing. It's gonna be with like some fours and fives, but it's gonna happen, dude. But those add up. Yeah. I wanna create like a dating app for like fours and fives. Yeah.

So like you don't have to put that much effort and then you could just like smash the first night yeah I mean the measuring scale though just like a picture like an AI yeah there's probably some AI technology that can value the because you would have like your own scale though cuz like a four and a five to you might be different like in terms of my eyes true you know what you've learned a five to you sometimes I feel like I'm like a Like I have a chance with a chick sometimes I feel that way and

then I just look at my DMs dude, and it's like moms who have kids and They're like do you want to see my tits and I'm like, what the fuck? So I'll like follow them back and kind of see what's going on and it's always just the ugliest fucking chicks Oh, really? I've ever seen in my life, dude. Damn. Like not even like I wouldn't even think about it. Really?

And I hate to say it man, because if it was like a solid five So this is an under a five? This is like fucking these are like schmigel fucking looking chicks, dude. But do you ever have that? These are like divorced women These aren't even chicks man. Yeah, but that's I'm kind of into that yeah Yeah, if they're like five and above I feel like yeah, I guess but sometimes you ever see some obviously I'm not Brad Pitt so like I

like do you ever see someone that's like oh, they're kind of so Ugly that I kind of want to fuck them Do you ever see someone that's like, oh, they're kind of so ugly that I kind of want to fuck them. There's like an emotional connection, I feel like. No, no emotional connection. Just like a one night stand like, oh, there's like something kind of weird about her. They're like, hell yeah, let's do this. You want to do it just for the story? Add it to like your lifetime?

No, not even that. Just like, like if the girl's so hot, obviously you want to smash. If a girl's really ugly, it's like, yeah, whatever, but if she's like In the middle, but like there's some kind of quirky thing. It's like, oh hell. Yeah The quirky thing for me would be like her personality Gross she's like nice to me or something, but if there was no dialogue between us No, I wouldn't see them and be like that would be sick If there was no dialogue between us, no, I wouldn't see them and be like, that would be sick. Because then like if we were doing it

and she said something and she was like a terrible person, I'd be like, fuck man, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I feel you. I'm just kinda, one time someone said that about me actually. I heard from another person that, a random person at a show said about me, that Ginger is so ugly that he's almost hot. Wow.

And I was like, why did you tell me this? It's fucked, man. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if that's even a, is that a compliment? I don't think so. That's a confusing compliment, I feel like. It's the worst kind of compliment you could ever get.

It keeps you up at night, too. Yes. Damn. But also I'll take it. What a, do you, I mean mean you are like a natural ginger? Yeah, it'd be crazy if I dyed my hair and this is just an act Yeah, man gingers like i've only really known like female gingers and uh

Yeah, man, is there like something about you guys that You know that we don't know Uh, we have a higher tolerance for pain know that we don't know? We have a higher tolerance for pain. Okay. That's it. That's a statistic. Well isn't like the word on the street You guys have like no soul. Yeah, that's No, that's been debunked already. That's not that is slanderous and I can't believe I told you not to bring that up Yeah, did you get you get bullied for that? Kind of but I it was mostly like I would get made fun of and then just make fun of people

back but it wasn't necessarily the no soul thing. It was more just how white I was. Like how pale. That's not that bad then dude. Cause I feel like the no soul thing is more other white people and my schools growing up were mostly Hispanic so it was more like, is that a real person? Like that's a ghost right there. Like how is someone that white? Yeah, so it was more that

It's not that bad man. I hated it girl. I was so insecure about how pale I was now I don't give a fuck but like every ginger I've ever met. It's like super emotional dude really you can like see the pain in their eyes I Went to a fucking pitching. I took pitching lessons From this dude, Ken Ryan. He like played for the Red Sox back in the day. Any relation to Nolan Ryan? No.

Okay, sorry. And dude, there was a ginger in my class and he had anger issues. It was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. Like Ken would be like, all right, like going to work on like pick-off drills. Don't throw the ball. Like he was just like, just go through the motions or whatever. He was like, he was kind of like in congested space, he was like indoors.

And he was like showing us pick-offs doing this ginger kid. Come on man. Like, dude. Hard R? They were like five feet from each other other so Ken was like playing first base and the ginger kid was like obviously pitching He's like all right, you know, just go through the motions. Don't throw the ball Ginger kid Fucking does the pick off with a ball in his hands throws at full speed a bunch of it hits the fucking clock

above Ken's head Shatters the clock dude and fucking Ken was like dude get the fuck out And like do that kid ran to his dad who was like well you could watch the lessons from the lobby There's like a chill like lobby you could watch him and he started like fucking freaking out He's like screaming and stuff and like dude every single lesson he would do something Reparted bro. I do feel like that's a stereotype. We're like P a lot of times you meet redheads and they're like, oh, yeah, they this guy has anchor issues Yeah, that's typically maybe it's from the pain. Like you said, maybe dude I didn't really have that growing up because I was I would be too embarrassed to show emotion like that publicly really yeah

I was just like what I'm just playing around what I knew he was gonna kick me out. Okay? Yeah, I wonder what it is man like I've always wondered if there's something like biological Maybe maybe something you're like chromosomes or something. That's like rare One of my buddies he only hooks up with the redheads Wow yeah damn It's that's the thing the women get fetishized the men they're like go back in your cave you fucking yeah I will say every woman he's been with does not have a soul Swear to God you can see it in their eyes Promoting this propaganda, it's not true. I've been through a lot to try to reverse this.

They are females, man. I've never, I don't know them any like male, ginger's, besides you. I figured it'd be like, I've never met any female with a soul anyway. I mean, that is true. That's a good point. It's, yeah. That would be, if that was your counter argument in a court of law, like you would for sure win. Yeah, I don't know there's I like to be the only one. I don't like when there's another redhead around Yeah, it does. It is very rare, dude. Yeah, like that would be like if someone else was wearing like a walmart polo

I'd be like, what would you do if if like there's a new comic that came into the scene? Wearing the walmart polo same kind of jeans Chill vibe was a Walmart polo. I don't think I would care that much if it was like a triple XL like baggy Walmart polo Did I'd be fucking furious. What would you do? I'd be like dude you fucking you fucking with me right now Dude cuz you know, it's crazy bro is everyone thinks that I copied Shane Gillis Cuz I guess he did like a podcast where we wore a Walmart polo and it's it's wild because like I Did a show with Shane. I wasn't like I did a show that Shane was on like five years ago

Mm-hmm, and I show up wearing my triple XL Wearing eyes out at the same like at the time but still rocking my triple XL Yeah, I had been living the life for like a while then and He had like just gotten canceled from SNL or whatever and it was like some shitty club and Worcester mass, bro It's called like the woo. Haha comedy club and it's not around anymore. Like it's fucking done But yeah, he showed up man and he was rocking a full-on Adidas sweatsuit so I always think about that because like people will comment on like the clips I put up or something and they're like oh

he's trying to be like Shane Gillis and I'm like dude I fucking he's copied me yeah like he was rocking full-on run DMC because I don't even think I don't think I think there was probably a one-time thing anyway Yeah, I don't I always just see him rockin t-shirts. He's not like an everyday like Walmart wear. You know what I mean? No, I feel like there was one time He probably wore one on like Joe Rogan once and they're like that's that she might be what it was. That's probably yeah Damn, so do you ever reply to those like hey, man? I'm the pioneer of this shit. No, cuz I know the people who saw me That might be what it was. That's probably yeah damn. So do you ever reply to those like hey, man I'm the pioneer of this shit. No, cuz I know the people who saw me in my in my prime in your prime They knew when I started that journey, dude

We're so when you were growing up were you rocking this or no, I was wearing polos in high school. It's not triple XL. Mm-hmm triple XL I Always a credit my friend Nate. Shout out Nate. Shout out Nate, dude. We went golfing one day. I was wearing like one of my typical polos. It's pretty big, not that big.

And he had a polo for his company, bro. And I saw that it like covered his elbows. And I was like, dude, that's fucking sick. You know what I mean?. That's so fucking cool. His elbows are so mysterious. It was just like it would go down to like here and I was like damn dude like that's got to be like custom fit or something and it was and I was like how can I how can I fucking do that.

So I just went to Walmart grabbed the triple XXXL, like covered my elbows, and I was like, dude, at first that's all I wanted to do, was just kind of like cover my elbows, you know? Did you have an insecurity about your elbows? No, I just wanted that look. And then I just realized, holy shit, man, like this is fucking legit. This is the move.

This is gonna be my life. Damn, that was a life-changing moment. Yeah, I feel like we've all done that, dude. Like we all like copied someone. We're like, we won't admit it, but we've copied someone something's done or like a part of it for sure. I just made out with the mic by accident. I'm sorry. It's fine, man. Yeah, but you had that moment and then that became the consistency. You stuck with it. The rest of us, we copy one thing and then and it's like yeah, you try it for a week Then you're like, all right. Let me copy someone else. Yeah

It was like a it was like a lifelong. Does Nate still rock those? He has the same polo he wears sometimes when we go golfing I haven't seen him more in a while, but it's sick dude, because he's fucking ripped. Oh, really? He looks like he's on HGH is he which makes it makes it look even cooler. He's just like, retarded. Yeah, but if you're fucking ripped in one of those, dude, it's like that guy does not fuck around as a legend. Yeah. You know? But is this, so this one is in covering your elbows? Yeah, this one is in a triple XL.

So what's, how do you decide between triple XL and and I think honestly do I think I'm just getting fat Bro, you look like you lost mad weight No, if it's not covering my elbows Yeah, that means I'm just gaining weight didn't you lose a lot of weight though I feel like I saw you like two years ago at the comic strip And then I saw you like this year and I was like oh shit that's a different person I Slim down in the summer. Yeah Yeah, as of recently man, I've just been eating like shit. I feel that you know me too

Do you when you eat can you just eat whatever you want you don't like? No, cuz I like I'll gain weight in just the bad places so like I'll just I'll get like a beer belly and like my face gets a little chunky But I don't gain the weight and like you know like some people they gain weight and like at least they're solid all around I just get the bad ones and with the IBS stuff I try to eat kind of clean but recently like if I go out drinking All that diet stuff is out the window. Yeah, I'm at McDonald's at 2 a.m.. Dude. It's been fucking bad, man Yeah, I've been doing shows where I'm like dude

I feel like fucking AIDS, you know, I feel like shit like you can feel the physical difference Yeah, I can feel the weight gain. I can tell by like my fits, you know But yeah, man, I'm like a fucking fat dude at heart so it's like I can't get too small I just don't feel like myself. I have to fucking find that balance Yeah, where I'm like eating well a Lot of it's just like protein. Mmm, you know Like I want to be like a bulky guy, but not just like have fucking tits Yeah, I don't want to fucking be crying while I shit and stuff

And that's just like a road. I'm going I don't know how people do it man like I don't know how people eat like shit and like drink and fucking piss on their fucking tits and shit like It's an art It's not I mean there is some people where it's like they just can do whatever they want and just look great Yeah, I think it's just genetics man like it's like I just I haven't been blessed like that man Yeah, you know you've been blessed in other ways. I know dude. Do you ever get uncomfortable? Sometimes yeah, I feel like you're resting Seems like you are either the most comfortable person in the room or the most uncomfortable person in the room As long as I'm doing calvary is this man hitting the gym like I'm fucking fine

Like that's where I just like fight all my demons man I'm pretty relaxed after that but there have been moments where like I can't go to the gym like it's closed or something Mm-hmm, and then I'll just fucking lose my mind dude. They gots what I've noticed like I can mm-hmm you know so It's so funny to take on your demons on calf raises like my It's all I have man, and I used to get uncomfortable because I'd be like damn Do I really I live like a simple life and that made me kind of like uncomfortable? But then I realized like dude being uncomfortable is very good

Especially in comedy like if you're not Uncomfortable you're doing something wrong man. Yeah, if you're not uncomfortable You probably don't have anything to say because it's's just like a constant rollercoaster of like, that was fun, I should quit. Yeah. That was alright, I should quit. And most of the time it's like, I should stop doing this. Yeah. And all of those rides are a lot of times in the same night.

Yeah. It's crazy. Wild, man. Bro, I hate when you, like if you have multiple shows, and there's one really good one One okay one and then a terrible one and the terrible one is last for the night Bro, I want to fucking die if you just switch those and had the bad one first and ended on a really good one Yeah, you'd be on top of the world, but instead you're suicidal

Yeah, and you always For some reason I'll be on the train and I'll be like, if you have like a good set, you're like, oh, maybe I can do this. But then that wears off so quickly. Yeah. And every before every show, I'm like, dude, I don't know if I can do this. Yeah. And then, dude, I used to be like, oh, you know, nothing can like make me uncomfortable.

But dude, it fucking something will happen where you're like, holy shit, dude. That was bad. Yeah Like I was like kind of comfortable like recently dude, like it was probably like two months ago or something I was like, oh like Maybe I can do this man, you know, mm-hmm. And then I was at New York Comedy Club, dude Sam Morrill shows up Does a drop-in set I had to do a check spot after him dude I bombed so fucking hard I was like sweating on like dude no one was listening to me and I saw a dude there who I saw previously that day he

was like visiting he was like a comic he's like with his girlfriend in the middle of the crowd just watching me fucking eat a dick dude And that was finally eating a dick was fine, but dude I did the last check spot so when I'm leaving everyone else Dude, so I'm like I get to get the fuck out of here, dude So I'm walking to my car dude, and there's these two dudes in front of me Talking about how much they hated me. Oh my God. And I'm just listening to them. They're like, do that guy fucking suck.

Oh, and I'm just like walking to my car, bro. And I was like trying to cross the road and the light just turned red. And I'm just standing behind them. And they're like, the guy was so fucking. Oh, my God. I was like, dude, that is the worst. Such a long car ride home, dude. Oh, man. Yeah, that is terrible. worst such a long car ride home, dude

Man, yeah, that is terrible. Yeah that that car ride home Yeah, and I was just like how did that just happen? Like I can't even You don't even think about that. Do you not like oh that could happen Yeah, like you you definitely know you can bomb but to like listen to someone like just be stuck behind them Just like the like they were going in brother that guy fucking was so fucking bad And I was and then it's not even like you want to say something like hey cuz you're like, oh they were right Yeah, I did suck just now. Yeah, but like like just watching Sam try new stuff out and just like aimlessly like murder Like people are in tears and he's like he's got like a notebook he's just like this might fucking

You just like dude. What the fuck? I mean granted that is obviously like a terrible situation to be in yeah following one of the best comics out right now and Doing a check spot like that's just kind of a no-win situation Yeah, and then the next night dude you have like a good set and you're like, oh shit I'm the greatest of all time. Yeah. Well not not that, but like, oh, this shit. It's not that bad. You don't, you never have the ego boost up that far? No, because like, I mean, did you like play sports? Yeah. Did you like take them seriously? Yeah. Really? Basketball. You don't have to be so surprised.

Well, after every game, were you like, did you look back and you were like, oh, I could have done that better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like, when I played sports, I was never like that. I was never like, oh, like if I could go back. Oh, really?

In that time, I was never like, oh, if I could go back, I would have like for sure done this or that. Oh, really? I was just too lazy. Like now that I'm older, I've always think like, if I could go back I would have like for sure done this or that really I was just too lazy Like now that I'm older if I I've always think like if I could go back to high school I would have done this differently, you know, I'm taking care of my body like taking it more seriously But back then I was like, oh, yeah, you know, it's over like whatever. Yeah, like with comedy dude, like Every single set I'm like, you know, I could have done. Yeah, I fucked this up like I fucked that up Yeah, I agree with why did I say that?

Well, I still have moments where I'm thinking about like freshman year Against fucking Regis high school. I should have went left instead of right really and I could have fucking I could have been so much better than I was I still like I still have dreams that I have a JV game and I'm the only one playing without sneakers on I'm just in my socks. Wow. I still have like stress dreams about that. You did that? No, it's just you know when in dreams Where you're just like there's always something off for no reason at all and I still have that Wow, that's fucking wild. It is why I feel feel that with comedy though like after a set are you like fuck man like why did I say that? Yeah a hundred percent. No matter how it goes.

I still have thoughts of like a set from two and a half years ago where I could have made this joke instead of that joke and blah but the thing is like you just have to accept it because I'm like I wouldn't know to do that now if I didn't fuck up then. Yeah, but that's what I mean, though. Just being uncomfortable, like I'm always uncomfortable, dude. No matter how it goes, I'm just like, fuck, man. Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

And then I could count on my hand the amount of times where I'm like, no notes. And it's always a situation where if it's an audition or something, I'm like, no notes. I killed that. Then that's the audition that you don't get. You know what I mean? When you feel too good about it, it's like you don't, it doesn't go well. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's wild man. But

yeah, we'll wrap this up, bro. Thanks for having me, man. Yeah, dude. Thanks for coming, man. This is fucking sick. Yeah, dude. Thank you. Thank you for coming, man. It's good to sit down with you. If you just want to shout out your Instagram and stuff. I'm sick. Yeah, dude. Thank you. Uh thank you for coming in. It's good to sit down with you. If you just want to shout out your Instagram and stuff. I have a

soul. My name is Liam Dalton. You can find me at Liam Dalton live. And Venmo, too.