The Johnny Salami Podcast - Lucas Zelnik

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Lucas Zelnik by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I'll be some version of myself, but I like what you do here. I want to let you be you. I want you to be you, too, man.

Yeah, I'll be me. Dude, I would start crying, bro, if you you were like i can't be myself man dude i've been uh are we rolling right now are we going yeah we don't uh we don't do an intro our intro to our intro is literally me being like yeah man we don't do an intro you've been on the uh me mentally prepping for like 15 minutes for nothing just being like this is it man to say that you're mentally prepping when it's when it's already happening is yeah just objectively confusing it's one of those things man it's like a ritual you know what i mean yeah you just get caught up in it i don't know i think it would be better than just being like, hey, what's going on, everyone?

Hey, guys. Yeah. Welcome back. Like a bad YouTube video. Do you like an ad read? Yeah. People would be like, what the fuck? You should start with an ad read.

Yeah. Thanks for coming, man. Yeah. Thanks for having me. You're one of the few people who have had me on your podcast, which meant a lot to me, dude. Are you being serious? That meant the world to me, man. Really? Yeah, dude. Most people don't have me on your podcast, which meant a lot to me, dude. Are you being serious? That meant the world to me, man. Really? Yeah, dude.

Most people don't have me on their podcast. Dude, I think you might be surprised. I think people are just really disoriented. We forget to ask anybody. Oh, really? But it's not a high honor, but also you did great. Yeah, dude. It was a good time, man.

Yeah. It was a good time. I think you'd be very surprised. I think a lot of people would want you to do their podcast. Because you're just so busy with everything else. Yeah, we don't. Well, we have our, John mostly handles our pod. I mean, I don't think about our pod at all.

Oh, really? Yeah. So it wasn't really you. You had to agree to it, you know? We tried, you know, for a little bit, and then it just was not. You were like, I don't fucking want more. Fuck! You know, for a little bit. And then it just was not. You were like, I don't fucking want more. Fuck. It just didn't.

It didn't. We spent, Jamie and I spent like a year trying to make it pop. And once it didn't pop, we were just like, we'll let someone else focus on it. Oh, really? Yeah. You like passed over the sword. To John. And John's amazing.

I mean, that's, that sounds like we just brought John on to fix a problem. John also makes it a better pod, but yeah, yeah, we did. We, we now,

we mostly focus on standup. Yeah. I just wanted you to know, dude, that, you know, that meant the world to me, bro.

Like leading up to that, I was like, damn dude, like I'm going on another person's podcast. It was, it was a big deal, man. Really? Yeah. Cause like I have a lot of people on who have podcasts and they're never like you know what man let's you know let's run it back bro makes me upset a little bit dude you

know but i get it you know like i have my own my own vibe and stuff and it's like dude your vibe is great for a pot but it it is true your vibe is very rare yeah it a little confusing it takes over the pot in a good way yeah like it's like uh it's like a crossover episode but like when you come on a pod it's kind of like the johnny salami podcast appearing on oh well that's how i wanted it to be i think on when you did ours jamie was sort of like interviewing you a little but i wanted to just let you you're a beautiful creature i wanted to let you run to observe dude yeah you're like a wild horse i fucking love observing too man yeah you know what i mean sometimes i just want to sit back and watch

yeah you know what i'm saying yeah i do but no I mean, I don't know, man. I love when, I love that moment when you see, like, someone can be themselves. You know what I'm saying? And they just let loose, dude. You know? It's fucking wild, bro. Yeah. You know?

But, yeah, dude, thank you, man. And you've been on the road, right? Like, you've been traveling and stuff? Yeah. Not quite. It's going to get busy. It's going to get busier. Yeah, this is my last it's sunday today this is my last

weekend in new york city in 2023 holy shit man yeah wow dude yeah so you're fucking swinging your dick around dude i'm swinging what are you flying dude you flying spirit or delta shit man i don't know what that means bro but it sounds legit you don't know what that means, bro, but it sounds legit. You don't know what Delta means? I've flown twice in my life, dude. No. Yeah. I flew once for a baseball trip, and then I flew once to Florida, and that was it, man. Are you serious? I think I took Spirit, too, dude.

You've been on a plane two times? One was Southwest, one was Spirit, man. You've been on a plane two times? Twice, yeah, dude. I've never really had a reason to, you know. You live at LaGuardia Airport. Yeah. To get to your house, I had to take a sign for terminal A.

Is it hard taking a plane? Or it's pretty... It's gotten easier. It's not the easiest. It's a lot. It depends. I grew up really rich. Yeah, we know.

Sometimes I don't like to be around commoners. Yeah, you feel like... I feel like it's an imposition to be around. So if you flew Spirit, you'd fucking start? I couldn't do that. Really? You'd just be like, fuck it, fuck the trip? I would just be like, I'll just pay $200 more.

What if it wasn't an option? What if they were like, there's a bad storm coming? Oh, like it's the only flight to get to a show? Mm-hmm. I would do it. Yeah. You'd be pissed, though. I would be pissed.

I would be pissed the whole time. Because when I went, dude, I was like, it's almost like taking the subway kind of where you're like, I'm waiting to see what everyone's talking about. But I only did it once, man. So I never saw, you know. It's sort of like the subway, but the only difference is people on the subway, they know the rules. The rules are like, there's no, you don't talk to anyone, you know. But on a plane, different people have different rules some people think it's cool to talk yeah i was on a plane this weekend coming back from san diego

was my first road gig of this tour and um some dude offered me a kit kat bar like he like he unveiled he didn't offer me like a like a packaged kit kat bar like he offered me a stick wow of kit kat and i was like no dude wow that's wild man and then i was at the window he was in the aisle what did he look like he was he was in he was an immigrant okay you just knew right away he was holding a passport for okay you saw his visa type you were like and when he spoke it was pretty clear okay english was not his so you're not being racist you're i'm not were racist. Your facts were there. The facts were there. He's holding a passport from Bangladesh. So I'm guessing he's Bangladeshi.

Class CO8, something like that. The visa type. Yeah. I don't know what visa type that would be. It's definitely not CO8. But anyway, so he's an immigrant. Yeah, I was going to leave that out just to make him look weirder in the story. Yeah, I was trying to paint a picture.

Because you said, I was picturing like a fat dude. Because you said Kit Kats. And like, dude, if you're eating Kit Kats, it's kind of like. No, the Kit Kat I think was more like he was in America and he was like sampling our candies. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Maybe he's familiar with America.

But he was not American. And yeah, maybe he didn't with america but okay he was not american and uh yeah maybe he didn't know the culture as well but you can't be offering you can't offer me food of any type especially not opened food yeah you cannot offer a little hammered though you think you might be like that would be so funny i think i would originally you're like do you get the fuck away from me and then you have like a few drinks you're like dude you still have that you still have that kick out bro you don't bro please could you get could you order one damn so you think he's buying candy and then selling it at a higher he's marking it up

he might be out of the package just in case the guy on his row is getting hammered yeah i mean you see people do that around here bro on the subway selling candy that would be funny if there was like a like an immigrant well not funny it would be that would be inspiring if there was an immigrant family walking down the aisle of a plane holding those candies marking them up for their basketball team yeah you're fucking crushing it yeah you're losing money on the plane ticket for sure i'm not gonna lie if i was like a little hammered bro bro, yeah, I would eat a lot of shit. Especially on a plane, dude. Dude, I get high on planes.

You ever get high? Like edibles or like actual? Usually edibles for a plane. Yeah, they would have to cart you off. Yeah. They would fucking crash the plane, dude. You're already kind of an edibles vibe, not on edibles.

No, no, no. If you saw me on edibles, dude, you'd be like, shouldn't have given this guy edibles. Actually, I don't even know. If you can get kicked off a plane for laughing, I think you can get kicked off a plane for doing anything far too much.

It would be like the plane would be getting ready to move, and then once it started moving, I would just burst out laughing. It would be like a hyena laugh, though. It would be nonstop for 20 minutes. People would be like, yo, stop fucking laughing, dude. Are we talking like a low a low dosage like is 10 low that's like how much you take before you go on i mean i'm a bit of a lightweight so i'll take five and that'll get me pretty okay so you're feeling good that'll cook me up for sure five gets me cooked yeah just imagine you in an airport dude just like cooked man it's hilarious yeah well then

then i will start eating and you can order you know you can order food on a plane but it's not good so but i'll do that what are they offering on the plane like a farmer's cheese plate just just cheese on a plate like processed gouda because they gotta have like some sort of guidelines as to like what they can offer you know what i mean yeah i think can you have silverware on the you definitely can't metal silverware you do in first class you can have that oh wow that's risky bro yeah it's kind of scary man someone has like a steak knife dude some fucking russian dude and just hijacks the plane yeah with a knife with a steak knife dude well you know that's how the 9-11 guys did it yeah you think they had a steak before they did

they did it with a steak knife after the last bite of ribeye they were like let's get it all right you think they got hype like right before they did it i mean who do you think did it bro you think uh if we're talking terrorists i think they probably i think they listened to like a young gz song and then maybe said a prayer or two convict yeah dude music you gotta get amped in that situation and you know we on top yeah dude that would get me going for sure that's an that's an akon intro but young gz features on that song even an akon song would be legit oh it's 2001 akon was popping up yeah it's like aim days dude remember aim bro fuck dude i missed that i tried logging into that's so weird dude i tried logging

in last night dude last night in the morning bro that's so weird that this got yeah that's a weird set of facts it seems like it's related to something else last night at 2 a.m dude i couldn't sleep man did you get in there did you get in oh dude it's it's completely down it's defunct they like took it down in 2004 and uh i like googled it because i like wanted to look at my old conversations with yeah chicks and just be like i wonder what i was saying back then dude you know what i mean and uh yeah dude they were like you can still like kind of log in on aol and uh dude i remember my password because you got into your aol because my password was vagina so i remembered it bro and they were like we're sorry like this feature is no longer available i was like you guys

fucking lied to me dude if i had to guess your aol password vagina would be my first guess yeah dude it's been fucking how long it's been 15 years maybe 15 years man and it's still your password i mean come on bro i just gotta fucking i gotta go right now to change it man that's why like that's i remembered it bro well your email would be harder to guess than your password your password is obviously vagina my email was johnito sakito 13 at aol.com dude that was my am username johnito sakito bro mine was uh loud noises 287 okay is that like a sexual preference no i'm actually pretty quiet what is like the you know what it was originally what it was a quote from anchorman you know brick steve carell yes they're arguing yeah and he goes loud noises

dude yes i did that that's a legendary man yeah dude a lot of people get it at the time yeah it was huge yeah so they knew so i was sort of like it. At the time, yeah, it was huge. Yeah. So they knew. So I was sort of like a hack at the time. Yeah. But now I feel like it's kind of aged well. That's not actually a bad.

Yeah. I think that just makes you a legend, dude. Yeah. It's just been handed down for fucking. But I will say Janito Sekito 13 is also pretty sick. Yeah. Dude, that used to be my fucking, my name, dude. Really?

People would call you Janito Sekito? Until I legally changed it yeah dude what uh if you could go back dude and you could see like aim messages what do you think they would look like with like chicks or dudes well i had i had a girlfriend so i had i went to sleepaway camp and i had a girlfriend. So I went to sleepaway camp. And I had this girlfriend who... Actually, she hit me up not too long ago to try and get together. I was like, no.

No. Why? How long did you date for? In camp. Is that a Jewish thing? Dating. Sleepaway camp? Yeah that a Jewish thing? Dating. Sleepaway camp? Yeah.

Okay. Strictly Jews. Mine was pretty Jewish. Okay. We had a Chinese immigrant in our bunk named Chen Yan. Okay. Did you, like, accept her into the group or no? It was a guy.

Oh, okay. The bunks were segregated by gender. Okay. No, like fucking, you didn't mix in a little bit? You didn't sneak in like late at night or anything like that? Oh, no, you could sneak in. Yeah, I was going to say. But you didn't, they didn't mix them in like officially.

Yeah, yeah. They didn't have them on the books. You were breaking the rules though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yo, that Yeah, I was going to say. But they didn't mix them in, like, officially. Yeah, yeah. They didn't have them on the books. You were breaking the rules, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yo, that's where I got everything for the first time. Handjob behind the roller hockey rink, eighth grade. No, no, no. They had a roller hockey rink at your camp?

Yeah. What the fuck, man? It wasn't even a nice camp. They just really invest a lot of money into that rollerblading place. It's kind of just table stakes for a camp to have roller hockey. It's fucking sick, man. Oh, it was sick. Camp was sick.

But, yeah, it was a big Jewish thing. We had some, like, immigrants just in general. I don't know why I'm bringing up immigrants so much on this pod. Yeah, that's fine, dude. You got yours. They're facts, bro. Yeah, these are facts. We'll fact check this whole thing, dude.

We got a team off camera. On laptops. It's just like a machine that legitimately explodes. We just see smoke billowing from off camera. Some dude in a room just fucking gets fired out, bro. So this sounds fucking, dude. We had a lot of people at camp we had we had immigrants and then everyone else was jews so it's like jews and then people that were like fresh off boats okay and uh

wait why what what did you say about i forgot i was telling you how long you dated the chick oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so chick, so I dated her. She was my, we dated fourth grade summer, fifth grade summer, I think. Okay. And then,

um, we, we decided to try and keep dating after camp. So we would be AIMing. And then I remember my dad drove me to her house. She was, lived in deep in New Jersey. Yeah.

Which like, you know, I was a New York city kid. Like that was pretty unheard of. Um, so he drove me there. We use the like printed out directions on map quest. I remember it was that long ago and I went to,

and we just didn't, we didn't even do anything. Really? I went to her house. I think we didn't even do anything really yeah i went to her house i think we kissed on the lips like once fuck that i mean at that age though dude that's like that's like anal dude i think it's a big deal man at that age i wanted i didn't think i wanted my peepee touch but i maybe i wanted to fondle some boobs yeah that age i was just shooting blanks yeah non-stop dude i remember my first time touching her boobs she was the first boobs i maybe I wanted to fondle some boobs. Yeah. That age. I was just shooting blanks. Yeah. Nonstop dude. I remember my first time touching her boobs.

She was the first boobs I touched raw. Really? Yeah. She had tits. She did. She was developed for her age. Holy shit, man.

That's wild, bro. Not, not, not now. Now I would, she's too young. Yeah.

That might've fucked you up a little bit, dude. You think so? Your socialization, bro. That might've, it definitely, I remember,

I can't forget that moment. It's like that and where I was on 9-11. How could you, man? It's like those two. Yeah, dude. I mean, at that age, bro, I was, dude, spanking. I think that was when I discovered spanking, dude, and it was just every day. Just shooting blanks, bro.

Yeah, right? You know? You remember those days? Pornhub, dude. Just shooting nothing finishing no cleanup yeah it was the best man yeah and it felt like fucking yeah felt like the fucking tectonic plates were shifting dude every time you did it man they were shifting yeah they were shifting you're right yeah yeah you're right dude bro you don't do it dude so at that age um i think my parents invested in like

a computer for the family like a family computer like a dell computer which was like a big deal back then yeah you know what i mean so we're talking about like a nice computer bro yeah that's a good operating system dude once i found out what spanking was dude i'm on porn hub non-stop just was it porn hub back then yeah just destroying this computer how old are you 27 when you started spanking you were already on porn hub oh yeah i thought porn hub like took over because for me it was like fuck.com okay i mean that's pretty straightforward yeah i remember having like an aol fucking old school computer. Yeah. And you could just type in like vagina. It would take like seven minutes to load.

Then you would just see like a hairy vagina, dude. You were like, all right. You're just waiting forever. Yeah. For vagina. Yeah. But yeah, dude. And then once it loads, you realize you accidentally just logged into your own email.

Well, that's the thing, dude. So my family like invested in this really nice computer and every day after school i would just be spanking the porn hub and like dude i was destroying the computer yeah so it would get viruses yeah and my dad knew a guy at work who fixed computers and he would constantly be bringing the computer in for him to fix so this guy was probably just looking through the history it's just like fat tits you know lick my balls you know it was just like a weekly occurrence bro like it was it was insane the amount of viruses i got dude it was wild isn't it weird that like sex gives you an std and back then like sex on the computer gave your

computer like an s like an std right yeah yeah yeah for sure it kind of makes you think dude you know like what's in that computer bro you know but dude no viruses now like if you have a mac or something like that i've never gotten like a virus on my i mean my calendar's all fucked up like my calendar on my phone it just says like fuck my tits like every day actually yeah wait why why i don't know i just had to delete my calendar because it was just like one of those things were just showed up every day was just like fuck my tits and then like eight hearts and like a fire emoji. Really? Yeah, I couldn't even look at dates. You were spanking on your phone? Always, dude.

Ah, see, I don't phone spank. Okay, were you using like a projector or something? I use a live show. You have your own studio. I have a team of actors. Yeah, dude. I have a staff. No, I only spank on the computer we're talking like um like a desktop computer

or like a laptop laptop but otherwise i'll go i go off the dome how do you even set that up though dude a laptop are you is the laptop on your lap or you have it on like oh okay i'm in bed laptops just to my left wow yeah damn like. Damn. Like on a pillow or something? Do you have like a stand? Nah, just... It would be funny to have like a spank stand. Like a breakfast in bed spank session? Yeah.

Like one of those things that go over, you know what I'm talking about? One of those trays that go over your... You have like an assistant bringing it in too? Just like, all right, it's time to spank. You're just like, what's on the menu for today? They curate the porn. That would be sick, man. And it always comes with OJ as well.

Fucking no pulp, dude. That would be sick, man. We strained out the pulp. Also, anal. Analals on the menu dude if like so you grew up rich man like yeah and i grew up kind of poor bro so this is that's pretty apparent yeah it's like a lifetime movie bro yeah yeah it's it's crazy we can really come together and see eye to eye on spanking and you bet we should be like the cover of like a sociology book dude but uh dude as far as like being rich man it's they're like what type of shit are we talking about bro are we talking about like bidets and stuff bro like have you ever used one yeah i've used a bidet have you not used on the rag i will say i i am actually

i don't even know what's rich and what's just specific anymore because i'm like i have used a bidet but i feel like that's just specific you think that's just Japanese? Yeah, kind of. Yeah. Are you rich or are you Japanese is a good question for anybody. I think that is the main question. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not answering that.

I think I'm rich. I don't think I'm Japanese. Okay. Can you be both? Yeah. Bro, I'm not going to lie, man. Everyone was kind of like hyping up the whole bidet thing. Yeah.

Did you use one? I used one at, I actually used my first bidet at St. Mark's Comedy Club, dude. They have a bidet at St. Mark's? At an open mic, dude. When you walk in the bathroom to the left, it has a bidet. And I'm going to be honest, man, like I don't think it's legit. Wait, in the hallway? The upstairs hallway?

Like right when you walk in. There's like a downstairs bathroom. Yeah, not that one. There's a bidet in St. Mark's Comedy Club? I wouldn't trust the water in there to go up your asshole at all. Dude, I think it made the situation worse man and it was it was emotional dude because i was excited to use it i was like dude i'm not gonna have to wipe like it's gonna be yeah it's gonna be a fucking roller coaster man and then uh dude it just like didn't

help at all i don't know if it's i'm not great with bidets yeah obviously you know i'm familiar that goes without saying yeah you fuck around a little bit you fuck around and then subsequently sometimes you find out yeah but i would never use it and not wipe i would wipe a little bit and then kind of shower it off yeah i mean i don't wipe in general so dude i mean it just seems like a risky situation you know what i have in my shower what one of those handheld things like a dildo one of those handheld dildos i keep in my shower yeah and i'll just you wipe with that that'd be wild if that was like a rich thing you're like yeah we just wipe with dildos dude we get dildos made of you had one of those things that uh those handheld water sprayers

you know i'm talking about do they attach to the actual like shower head no there's like the shower head and then separately there's also a handheld. I'm legitimately thinking about like a shower head that doesn't attach to anything. And there's just like magical water coming out, dude. Like a wireless. Like no one knows where the water's coming from. Handheld. Shut up. That's like Bluetooth and shit, dude.

It's connected to my phone. That's where the water comes from. Yeah, so you can really get around with that thing, dude. Like, I'm going to need one of those, man. For sure. I have the handheld thing, and then I'll use that as a bidet if I'm feeling crusty. Yeah. I'll squat in the shower, and then I'll just spray that water up my ass.

Are you going below parallel? With the handheld? With the squat. The squat. Are you hitting depth? Yeah. Because I feel like if you're not hitting depth, it's like you're not. No, I'm hitting depth. Okay.

You're going ass to grass? Ass is hovering just above grass. That's impressive, man. And then I'm spraying, and then I'll see little, like if I'm really crusty. A little dingleberry action? I'll see things come out and go into the drain. That's a beautiful moment, man. Yeah, that is a nice moment.

Yeah. That's almost better than peeing in the shower, dude. Like tiles. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Like new tiles. It's almost like you'reeing in the shower, dude. Like tiles, yeah. Yeah, dude. Like new tiles. It's almost like you're cleansing out bad energy, dude. Yeah, it's like sage for your asshole.

Yeah, because, dude, if you have dingleberries, man, you already feel, you're just not feeling yourself. And you might not even know it, too, dude. I know. You're like, today I'm just not feeling like myself. Yeah, it's so true. Yeah. There's an energy misbalance in the world world but you don't know what to attribute it to and then you get that dingleberry out and you're like that's what it was yeah it's all about

making sacrifices man yeah like you really gotta it's not an easy thing to do either to clean that out dude to go looking yeah sometimes you got to be brave enough to be the man who looks yeah you should get that tattooed on your fucking asshole dude that'd be sick like around it yeah sometimes you just have to be brave enough to be the man who looks do you think a tattoo parlor shop like do you think they would do that yeah really yeah you might have to pay like a little extra though i think if they thought you thought it was funny they'd be less likely to do it but if if i kept a straight face if you did i think half of tattoos is just being like mad confident that you like no that's what you want because i'm pretty

good at like keeping a straight face i don't know if you can tell bro but if i walked into like a miami tattoo parlor yeah told a bunch of spanish dudes that i don't know man i feel like they might laugh try it just or just go into like a suburban. Or ask me. I'm a Hispanic tattooer. Okay. Hey, what's going on, man? Si.

Sorry. You're laughing. Sorry, sorry. All right, I opened the door. Si, si. How you doing? I didn't even say anything. I didn't even say anything. Oh my god. That's so wild. oh my god that happened in real life i would just fucking turn around dude i feel like

a spanish guy running after you no say no say no spanish guy that doesn't understand you i don't even say anything when i walk in he's like no say no say no say spanish guy that doesn't understand you i don't even say anything when i walk in he's like no say no say no say ingleses is no yeah man the bidet thing it just wasn't it's one of those things it just wasn't what i thought it was gonna be man yeah you know what i think it depends on the stream too because some of those bidets just shoot a fucking it's like a water dildo up your ass like you don't want it going in the hole you want it spritzing the area is that like a they do studies on that stuff because like dude honestly man like

i don't even know if i should be using a bidet, bro. Like, I shouldn't be using one, but I'm better off just, like, hiring, like, a power washing company, dude, at this point. You know what I mean? You think you're caked up? You think you're caked? After a big-ass fucking – after I pop off, dude. Yeah. You're caked up. Yeah.

It's like, dude, I need a lot of horsepower down there, dude. Are you – you got a lot of grundle? I'm dropping, I'm dropping heat. You got hair? No, not a lot of hair, but, I mean, dude, I have to wipe, like, fucking, like, I clog a lot of toilets. Yeah. Because it's just like, I feel like they put those signs up because of me. You know, the signs that are like, please don't put a lot of toilet paper in.

Yeah. Like, it causes plumbing issues. You look like you take huge shits yeah for sure dude i don't know if they're huge per se but definitely like excessive are they stinky yeah i mean they'd be kind of weird if they weren't no i don't know if you're really healthy for a while my shit actually don't stank so you must have a really good diet dude no i don't wow i just my shit don't stank okay what are you eating bro fucking usually i don't eat till two like i haven't eaten yet today i'll do like an egg thing something egg related yeah maybe some kind of benedict

even it's pretty healthy or an eggs an egg sandwich yeah then i Then I'll come back to the plate around 5. You'll come and then you'll come back? Yeah. I'll spank breakfast in bed. I'll spank breakfast in bed with my team. And then I'll eat around 5. What do I eat around 5? Usually I'll try and do some kind of burrito.

Eat something in wrap form. Okay. And then after shows, I'll do a late night. That could be anything from an empanada to a cheeseburger. Dude, I used to have gas station empanadas, bro. What was your station? Cumbies? Seasons, Corner Market, man.

Okay. Actually, it wasn't even empanada. It was a quesadilla. Okay. They'd give you like four of them dude and i would just dip them in like cold fucking sour cream dude in the parking lot just think about my life dude how would you think i would just be like yeah it's over man that's probably why i'm here now that was like my moment where i was like dude i gotta leave rhode island time running time's running out yeah i wrote that in my notes bro really i was like time's running out man really no joke dude i'll show you my fucking notes right now dude just says farts i literally wrote that in my notes bro when i was 25 i think

damn yeah it fucking hit me hard really i was 25 in the gas station i think that was one of the moments leading up to here Yeah, it fucking hit me hard. Really? So I was 25. In the gas station. I think that was one of the moments leading up to it. Sorry, I thought, I don't know why. Yeah, I'm just getting emotional, dude. Imagine if I started crying, dude. I'm like crying. You're like a freak out of me for laughing when you had that like really honest moment.

No, I do that all the time, dude. Someone will say something like wicked serious and I just start laughing. Yeah. They're like, dude, what the fuck, man? Time and time. You wrote time running out in your notes because you didn't feel like you wanted to be around much longer you no it wasn't like a suicide thing okay i don't think i would write anything down if i did that i'll just fucking like blow up an oil rig or something yeah like go out grand you've never had like uh one of those moments dude where you're like

fuck man oh like like this isn't how i want to live my life more yeah i wrote times running out so it was like 25 i was like still living around it's like are you gonna send it or not bro yeah yeah like are you gonna work at a fucking motel six i had that moment a couple times yeah first one i was driving down to hilton head south carolina from where I went to school in Massachusetts. Northwest Mass. It's like a 15 hour drive. And I was like,

I should do something interesting. I didn't do anything after that. And then the next one was, I was like 26. Okay. Yeah. I had like a realization i was like i should be a comedian when i was like 21 and then just years i just didn't do anything about that yeah yeah i used to have those thoughts all the time on the highway yeah because i would be like dude your mind clears you know because you're behind the wheel about shit yeah you know yeah you can be like oh dude like i would love to be a comedian yeah but it's just thoughts yeah and then i just went back to living my life yeah i was like oh i'm in

hilton head now oh there's turtles yeah it took me like fucking five years to actually just be like oh shit man yeah you gotta send it to try or to send it to send it like to full send you like yo this is my life bro me too i tried it and then i was i was scared of the send honestly yeah gotta give up a lot it's it's scary when you're young too man yeah you know especially when you're like surrounded by tits and stuff you're just like bro can't leave these girls you know i'm saying like none of them know me but i feel like i matter i'm pushing out of a room full of tits in order to get to the mic stand dude you're shipping cargo loads of tits like you have to pay like a lot of fucking fees that's shipping and handling on those

tits you're fucking exporting tits boxing Boxing up beans. Bean bags. You don't talk about that shit in economics, dude. Nope. Imagine if the school you went to, if you raised your hand and you were like, yo, when are we going to talk about exporting tits? Do you think they would kick you out? Yeah. I got a master's in business administration from Stanford University.

So, yeah, I think they'd kick me out. If I raise my hand, I went, CEC. When are we going to talk about exporting tits? I think they would go, I think they would go, please leave. Wait, you went to Stanford? I got an MBA from Stanford.

Shit, dude. Why are you bragging, dog? Because I flex on them. This was in BA? What? Like business administration? Is that a major where you went to school? BA?

No, I thought that's what you said. No, MBA. It's what you said. No, MBA. It's like a, it's a master's degree. Isn't it a master's? I actually had to clear my throat. I wasn't like, it's a master's degree. I thought it was, I thought MBA was a master's in business administration. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Where are our wires going across? I think we're on the same fucking page yeah but i did that at stanford yeah and i don't i never i was in a lot of classes i don't think i ever once heard anyone talk about exporting tits was everyone like pretty mature for the most part no a lot of immature dudes there was a lot of you know what it was there's a lot of girls that came as 30 year olds single looking for husbands how did that make you feel made me feel young wow dude i was younger than i was the youngest one of the youngest in my grade so you felt like you were almost about to get knighted

you were on the road to glory a little bit i felt that i was on the road to glory a little bit yeah but i also felt like i didn't know what i was doing there because i wanted to be a comedian and i was yeah everyone else was like working in business because it was a business school yeah i was the weird one dude i majored in uh finance and um i'm like obviously retarded so yeah you know just take it slow with me dude but dude there was a um i just want to know what your thoughts are on this yeah dude so i did uh i did like an internship or whatever and you like you know you manage like the endowment fund you know um at your college

you know it's like real life investing are you really you're really investing for the endowment or you're doing like a mock portfolio it's like a live portfolio like we're managing it there's probably like a hundred thousand dollars in it of endowment funds okay so it's like real investing yeah obviously it's like very that's a hundred thousand that they gave to you guys to manage but there was other But there was other. Yeah. There was other money. Your school's entire endowment wasn't $100,000.

For that, for the internship, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For that endowment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So it was probably just like one person. They were like, all right, we'll see. You know, we'll see what happens.

But anyway, dude, we got invited to the Quinnipiac uh game forum have you heard of that did you go to Quinnipiac no that's what it's called it's in New York City it's uh the Quinnipiac game forum and it's basically like a bunch of rich fucking business people right the speakers they have like a bunch of people speak and then uh you get to like present your portfolio dude so i go there we're staying like the hilton or whatever i'm like drunk most of the time i don't even know why i'm there to be honest like we present our like our portfolio and stuff and then uh like one of the nights i'm with my buddies and uh we're just like drinking at the hotel bar dude it's like super late and we like see some of like the business professionals i'm

not gonna say who they were but these are like big swinging dicks can can you can you say it off camera or no i'd probably get fucking whacked i would get indicted bro you get whacked yeah um but we're just kind of like shooting the shit dude and they were just like a lot of them were fighting because like some of them were like yeah you know we take a top-down approach so we like dissect you know we just we dissect from the top down so like we start off with a big picture and then you go down to like microeconomics and shit like that yeah and then there's like some people who are like the really big swingers who are like, yeah, man, I just get a phone call. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like insider trading? Yeah. And that was like mind-numbing. I was like, holy shit, man. He was like, yeah, man, you know, my buddy would just call me.

He'd be like, hey, man, the market's going to swing this way. You think that's what he was saying? You think he was – because you could get a phone call from a really smart guy or you get a phone call from someone trading on insider information you think that's what he was confessing to a crime to you i think he was dude if i had a crime to confess in the i mean he was in the hilton hotel lobbied you would be that to a finance major visiting from Rhode Island. That wouldn't surprise you at all? That would shock me if he was confessing.

He wasn't saying, yo, dude, I insider traded, but he was kind of like, listen, man. He was kind of like, I'm a little fun with it. I know some people, bro. Yeah. Basically saying. In my head, that's like, all right, dude, I'm doing i'm doing some you know dude wouldn't it be funny if that guy was insider trading and he came across one of your podcast clips yeah on instagram and he was like fuck

we sent it in we sent that clip in i forget his name he uh i think this dude made like a billion dollar trade and i'm retarded dude so obviously you don't want to like don't take what i'm yeah it's probably not true um but yeah that's cool he was that's all he would talk about he's like dude i made like one of the biggest trades in like stock market history and we were like wow man like you must have like a pretty big dick but he would just shit on people who were like... Because when you're in college, dude, you obviously take a top-down approach, dude.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Just taking things slow and shit. That would be wild, man, just to be a fucking dipshit. Just taking a shit one day and your buddy calls you. There are some guys like that. Yeah. And you just make fucking billions, dude.

Bank. That sounds like such a good life. If you have a lot of money, I guess you can lose a lot of money, but it's pretty easy to make a lot of money. You think so? Going from zero to $1 million. $1 million. Yeah. It's hard.

But going from 100 to 101, it's hard but going from 100 to 101 it's a one percent annual return we're talking about compound interest bro yeah that's all it is dude i'm gonna get that fucking tatted on my asshole bro yeah that would make more sense in miami with a straight face i mean i might go to like uh like a suburban neighborhood for that one. You know, she'd be like, Hey, can you tattoo compound interest in a Greenwich tattoo parlor? Yeah.

Yeah. Like finance tattoos. That would be like a interesting. Kind of made me thick though. I mean, dude, like I wouldn't mind just being like boys with a few rich dudes. You know what I mean?

Just let them blackmail me real quick. And then I'll just fucking be like, listen, man, like whatever you want, bro. Cause, dude, like, I wouldn't mind just being, like, boys with a few rich dudes. You know what I mean? Just let them blackmail me real quick, and then I'll just fucking be like, listen, man, like, whatever you want, bro. Because that, dude, that's what it has to be, bro. Because if you're, like, if you're boys with someone who's, like, rich. Yeah. I feel like you got to have some blackmail on you. You know what I'm saying? There's no way it's just, like, a friendly relationship. It's got to be, like, dude, if you don't fucking make this trade, I'm going to send that video.

You know what I mean? You're saying you would want blackmail on them. I just feel like if I was in that, if I was in that boat, if I was on that rich boat, dude. Yeah. There's a good chance. On that yacht. Yeah. There's a good chance 90% of those people have blackmail on them for sure.

It's probably not wrong, honestly. Like you see someone and you're like, fuck man, I really gotta do. Rich people have dark secrets. Yeah. What are we,

what are we talking about? What's the craziest, not from you obviously, but that you've seen? Drinking baby blood shit? No. Doesn't taste good. So it's not.

Saying that in flying. I put that on LinkedIn. No, like, I think the big,'s like jeffrey epstein you know yeah i mean that would be like the top of the mountain though but i've met him you know and like yeah i met what yeah when uh well my mom dated epstein dude yeah yeah how long ago um she was 20 she was your age okay yeah so it was before you know it was before all the like the all the pedophile stuff you know but like he was doing that shit for decades before he got caught yeah so like that's a pretty good secret yeah that's a you know epstein a 2001 epstein a 9-11 epstein was kind of at the top of his game he had kind of beat those charges you know he still had

friends i met him probably 2002 2003 people would say when he walked onto the boat i was on a boat when he walked onto the when he walked onto the boat everyone was like that guy's a pedophile really but like he was still chilling you know what i mean what so he's got dirt on a lot of people for sure he he had dirt people had a lot of dirt on him, though, because he was a pedophile. That's pretty dirt. You're saying 2001, though, he was in his prime? 9-11 Epstein? Yeah.

And then it kind of took a while for the legal shit to kick in? Yeah, I think some shit happened with him in the 90s, and then he was like kind of, you know, everyone kind of knew he was a bit of a creep, but like no one yeah you know he didn't get in trouble until he killed himself yeah could still be out there too dude why do you why do you think it comes to like that like why do you think he uh why do you think he was a pedophile though i think he was probably just a pedophile yeah before the before the riches

but i think the thing is rich people when was the last time someone had a ton of money and they got put away for doing just one crime harvey weinstein raped 20 30 i don't know i don't want to count yeah a lot epstein trafficked a ton yeah you got robert durst you know who that is guy from the jinx no he murdered like three people before he got caught because if you have money you can you know cover shit up so i don't know of any like ultra rich person you got ted kennedy hit that guy on the bridge right killed the guy yeah drunk driving clinton must have eaten like eating out at least 75 chicks before that went down oh yeah maybe i'm talking dude he probably ate out a few hundred pussies

before dude bill clinton before and after was buried in muff buried in muff buried in muff muffins muffin tops muff is like the jj right yeah okay i've never heard that before dude really i put the pieces together and i was like whoa dude yeah that's a sick way of saying it, man. I'm going to start saying that now, dude. Gash. Looking gash. He was looking gash. I'm just going to start saying muff, dude. Split peas. Shredding muff.

He was shredding muff. Imagine saying that to a dude at the gas station. I should be like, dude, are you shredding muff? At the game. At like a season, bro. At like the quesadillas with me time is running out yo you shredding them up yeah but uh who else uh have you ever read that book uh Yeah, but who else? Have you ever read that book?

It's Introduction to Anal. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, Chaos. I started reading that book. I don't read. Oh, really? Yeah. Like at all?

Damn, dude, because Jamie reads a bunch, right? Yeah. I just don't read. I don't know. It's like homework. I was an English major in college. I was like, I would never read for pleasure. But if it came to it, you could fucking knock down some sentences. I'm a pretty slow reader, actually.

I'm a fast talker and a slow reader. I have a good vocabulary, but I don't read. I'm a fast reader, but I don't really understand what I'm reading. Not even a joke, bro. Then I don't read. I'm a fast reader, but I don't really understand what I'm reading. Not even a joke, bro. Then I don't... You mean you read the words fast, but you don't know what the word means? Yeah.

What I'm trying to say is I'm retarded, but like... Because I was going to say, I could read fast if I didn't have to understand it. Yeah. What is that, though? Like, why can I read fast, but not really pick up everything? Is it because I'm going too fast?

Yeah, maybe you should slow down dude what do you think about reading versus like auditory learning like do you think you can learn just as much by watching a youtube video as reading a book yeah i think i i it's been so long since i've read a book yeah like years maybe but it used to be that when I read a book, I'd just be thinking about other things. But when I watch a video, I'm thinking about the video. Yeah. So you think you're an auditory learner?

Yeah. Would that be auditory? Visual. Visual and auditory? Yeah. Yeah. I need to just be fucking double team. Just Eiffel towered in my ears and eyes.

Same dude. When you combine tits with orgasm sounds, bro. Yeah. I'm fully invested. Yeah. Yeah. But can you, you ever spank off the dome? Same, dude. When you combine tits with orgasm sounds, bro, I'm fully invested. Yeah. Yeah.

But can you ever spank off the dome? Freestyle spank? Sometimes if I'm feeling like, uh... In a pinch? No, it's never in a pinch, dude. Usually if I have a lot of time on my hands, man, I'll do it in the shower. But probably like an hour in, man, I'll just fucking... An hour in? Yeah, dude.

It takes so long in the shower, dude. I don't know about an hour, but maybe like a half an hour in man i'll just fucking an hour in yeah dude it takes so long in the shower dude i don't know about an hour but maybe like a half an hour it takes a long you'll just go out of the dome like off my head yeah yeah at least a half an hour dude but you'll keep going for all that time yeah you don't get like fucking like you don't get like a scab or yeah dude i'm thinking about crazy shit like wind turbines and fucking cupcakes and shit. And then like I finally come, dude, and it's wild, bro. Like I'm on fucking, I just fall down on my knees and start crying, dude. It's crazy, man.

Because I just went through hell just to do that. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's not. No, I don't know what you mean. You can crank one out in the shower pretty quick. No, I can't crank at all in the shower. The shower is a nogo yeah that's what i'm saying so when i do do it i'm like yeah i'm prepping days ahead i'm like dude friday is gonna be wild man meal kits like asking for backup dude

extra ammo yeah are you are you spanking off the dome yeah a lot you ever done nofap no i don't do that shit okay i don't believe in withholding carnal pleasures from myself yeah i i i think i do most things in moderation like i don't spank a lot how much we talk like once a week maybe no i spank a lot more than that once a day like once a day or once every two days is it like a cyclical thing like a cicada yeah i get horny for periods in some periods i'm just not feeling it but i also i do fuck a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Hard to say that sentence without feeling humiliated. I wanted to be like me too.

And then I was like, I don't, there's nothing there, dude. But yeah, I mean, dude, even when I am like shredding it. Yeah. Historically. Yeah. I'm still spanking, dude. Interesting. If I fuck, like have a good fuck.

Yeah. I go two, three days without a spank. Because it clears me out. It's a bigger cum. It's more liquid. It's more volume. And then when you do spank, you're thinking about that experience? Nah.

I usually spank to like things that didn't happen or things that, ah, actually sometimes. Yeah. Or sometimes I'm thinking about things that almost happened like what could have been yeah yeah you're jerking off to like getting like a 50 discount at reebok with the pumps yeah like you're checking out and the guy's like actually it's not 25 it's 50 off you're like dude it's fucking sick man this is about me being jewish i haven't even brought up jews once dude i know dude that's good that's like probably a record for pretty rare enough i don't even think i mean like dude i my best friend growing up was

jewish you know like i'm not saying that as like a black guy type thing i mean, like, dude, I, my best friend growing up was Jewish, you know, like, I'm not saying that as, like, a black guy type thing. I'm not like, yo, dude, I know black people, which is like, you know, it's not like a big deal to me, you know. I get it, you know, they own all the banks and shit, and it's like, fine, whatever, man. They're good at it, bro. We, not just the banks. Yeah. Media entertainment. Hollywood.

Hollywood. Yeah. yeah media entertainment hollywood hollywood yeah a little bit of law lawyers but and a little bit of medicine but indian and asian people are kind of popping off in medicine i feel like jews don't really control medicine there are jewish doctors but they're older now yeah i mean honestly dude if i had money to invest and i was sitting down with like if i had an option between financial all the races yeah what race would you invest in oh it wouldn't even be about race it would be about jewish or not jewish oh you'd pick a financial advisor who's jewish yeah just like an old jewish guy what if yeah i don't think he's gonna skimp off you if you're rich what do you think he's gonna do i mean you have the secret intel dude so i think you probably give you probably a pretty balanced diversified portfolio yeah that's all i want dude

what uh you're like a legit jew though like you did like your fucking you went to hebrew school you did your bar mitzvah, all that shit? Like, you were hardcore into it? Or were you, like, a fake Jew? I did those things you said. I have family in Jerusalem. Oh, yeah, dude? One of them's a drone pilot.

So you're, like, a true Jew? I have a cousin who's an Israeli drone pilot. Wow. Which means it's his job to turn Palestinian children into smithereens. I mean, like I said, man, I'm kind of retarded. So what is, I would love to learn without like joking about this. Yeah. What is actually, what's going on between, I never thought I would say this.

When people talk about Israel and Palestine. Yeah. What is the truth? Like what is actually going on over there? Because I hear so many different things, and I'm like, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. And don't be, like, biased.

Like, what's actually going down? Here's what I think is going down. You got Israel in 1940. Sorry, it wasn't Israel back then. It was Palestine. I don't even know what it was called. Maybe it was Palestine. It certainly wasn't israel back then it was palestine i don't even know what it was called maybe it was palestine it certainly wasn't israel 1940 you have the lands that are currently israel right that's where palestinian people lived yeah you got eastern european jews

a lot are dead because the holoca. A lot are in ghettos. Hungary, Poland, Germany. Other places. France. Holocaust ends around 1945. And there's a lot of Jews that get freed from the camps. They want a place to go. It's this guy who starts this movement, Theodor Herzl, I think.

This is probably, if I say this all, I would guess it's going to be about 50 accurate okay does he have anything to do with hurts i'm just fucking all right go on he's a rental car billionaire this guy wants like a jewish state the jews are pretty hurt right now you know they're hurting yeah it's kind of the holocaust was like our it's a tough comeback yeah yeah that was like our big one that we didn't like so the jews want a jewish state momentum gathers like geopolitically and globally for a jewish state like um america is sort of on board and other world america is becoming a world power in the wake of world war ii you got england sort of on board you got churchill winston churchill

sort of like all right and um they're thrown around a lot of places uganda's on the list of all places wow which would be crazy because if they'd gone to uganda there'd be like a different conflict but it wouldn't be israel palestine it. Yeah, those are my boys out there, dude. It'd be Israel-Uganda, which is, it would be like Jews and African people. I think the Jews would just lose that one. For sure, yeah, if I had to put money down. There would be no Israel-Palestine conflict. There would just be black people in Uganda and Jews that work for them, I guess.

Or Jews that left. Yeah, at that point, I think they'd just be like people in Uganda and Jews that work for them, I guess. Or Jews that left. Yeah, at that point I think they'd just be like, fuck this, man. But they didn't. They went to Palestine. And they just, the world was just like, hey, hey, hey. I mean, is that three times? Yeah, they were like, hey. Is that three times? Yeah. They were like, hey,

you got it. The Jews live here now. Like white Jews. Yeah. In Palestine? Yeah. They're like, hey, this is Israel.

They show up like, are they on foot or? I don't know how they showed up, but they showed and there'd be a wild picture dude yeah all these jews walking in just walking around their payas are bouncing like we out here like a rap video yeah like a horizon line full of hasidic jews like a motivational video like a comeback if i can't do it homie it can't be done like 50 cent playing yeah but uh someone's carrying a boombox yeah they pull back up and uh immediately 1948 the jew Jewish state is established. Immediately, all of the other countries around invade. Egypt. Jordan. The other ones.

There's like a bunch of wars. The Jews managed to win these wars. Now, when you go to Hebrew school school as a young jew you know what they tell you they tell you the jews won those wars because god was on our side but then if you just kind of like look at it normal yeah it's more just like the jews just like bomb the shit out of everybody like really bad and they got like a lot of financial and military support from like the established world powers who were who were the established world powers like who was like england america england was big back then too yeah england was popping yeah england had its moment you know

england was like you know bro i just like uh i think about history man yeah i don't really know much but it would be funny dude to just imagine like a war and this probably happened in real time like the evolution of like weaponry and shit dude yeah just thinking about like a fucking war with a bunch of dudes in a field with like sharp sticks and then the other side has like fucking cannons and shit dude seeing that in real time dude yeah that'd be fucking just like one side blasting the shit out of the other side you're like and they're just like fuck because like dude if you have a fucking stick that's like a little yeah guys with spears you see your boy get taken out by a cannonball yeah you're like bro fuck this that was like probably like what happened to the native americans in certain instances well my boy my boy

chris you see yeah you think took me a second back then yeah i think he showed up in the native americans looked at like the ships and everything and they were like fuck yeah that's how i imagine it for sure like right away they're like fuck man yeah that's where they have like bow and arrows and fucking corn and shit yeah can't fight with crops dude no fuck man can't bring corn to a knife imagine dude you can't bring a knife to a gunfight. Imagine a war where one side has swords and the other side has automatic assault rifles. That would be insane. Yeah.

It's like 15th century Spaniards against school shooters. Dude, do you ever think about... How many school shooters do you think could take out a whole army of people with swords? With automatic... Automatic. And they just have the weapon that they own. They only have the ammo. AR-15. But how much ammo do they have? Un that they own. Like, they only have the ammo. AR-15.

No, unlimited ammo. Yeah, unlimited. Unlimited? They have, like, a box of bullets. I think anyone could fucking take out an army with dudes with swords. But there's, like, 500 versus 2, you think? Oh, yeah. That would probably last, like, maybe a minute.

They would have to reload, dude. Then they'd just get fucking stabbed. Yeah a minute. They would have to reload, dude. Then they just get fucking stabbed. Yeah. Yeah. Once you have to reload, but you have to, the army of swords in this situation,

they, they've never seen automatic. So when their boys started going down like that, they might think it's like God or some kind of divine. I would have to know who's on the other side, bro. If it's like, you know,

Spaniards, um, crusaders. Do they have like a fucking amount mentality have they ever they believe in the lord i don't i don't know if they've retreated but they believe in god i would look at like their past retreats dude i gotta piss so badly can i piss we gotta wrap up anyway okay okay let's let me finish israel palestine then we'll wrap up on that all right yeah so the jews they bomb everybody you know and now and now they pushed a lot of people out of their houses a lot of the people that live there they just pushed them out those people live in settlements now they don't have the same rights, those people.

And the Jews have, like, more money and technology and weaponry. So the Jews are kind of, like, Israel is kind of like an overlord of the people in the settlements who used to live there before the Holocaust sent the Jews over there. And the Jews' whole thing is like one we needed it after the holocaust so like you know you holocaust us we holocaust you yeah you know and then the other the other thing that the jews have is they're like we have like a historical claim to this land because of the bible it's pretty much just modern colonization israel on palestine it's all about land dude it's all about land territory and shit and currently that israel's winning but what's

interesting about modern colonization in the past when there's colonization the colonizers just win and no one complains but now that we're all liberal, we're like, Oh, this is wrong. Yeah. You're getting flashbacks to like, it's like apartheid.

Yeah. So you think Israel's winning right now? Israel's winning. Israel's in the wrong morally. Are we funding them right now? Yes. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Boys yeah dude boys dude yeah is that good like should we be funny i'm not really pro israel at all yeah but i also don't want to

learn any more about the issue than what i just said so if what i just said was wrong no it wasn't yeah you know yeah i don't want to learn too much about any issue certainly not one that doesn't concern me and i'm jewish but i'm american yeah like what you don't know i'm more american than i am jewish i feel that dude and i'm more jewish than i am israeli you just want to be you just want to be dumb as fuck yeah and i want to be jewish but i don't that doesn't mean I have to be nice to Israel. What? I feel that, dude.

Yeah. Anyway. All right, dude. Well, thank you for coming, man. That's a good way to end. It's a crazy end and a crazy start. No, dude. Thanks for coming, man.

I had a good time, dude. Yeah, likewise. Do you have anything you want to shout out? Yeah, if you're listening, I'm on the road. I'm on the road. Lukazelnik.com for tour tickets. It's like 30 cities, all the major cities. The only one I've done already is San Diego.

I got D.C., Richmond, Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus coming up, and then I got all the major cities. I'm going to Texas, Boston, Providence. If you go to Boston, man, I'll roll through, dude. I'll be in Boston. It'll be hard as fuck, man. Yeah, you should come through. I'll be at Laugh Boston.

I'll roll through, man. Get you up on one of my shows. Fuck yeah, dude. All right. All right, dude, thank you. Thanks for having me.