The Johnny Salami Podcast - Malia Simon

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Malia Simon by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Oh, bro, I'm hurting. I feel like we both have, like, very quiet voices, so it's gonna be, like... Yeah, I do. People always tell me I'm really soft-spoken. Yeah. We're gonna have to turn up the volume to, like, 200. We should do should do this in a library yeah we should just not even have mics and do it that's

what i was thinking do you find it hard like when you're in a club or something to socialize like at yelling volume yeah i think i find it hard to socialize in general yeah even right now i'm like oh shit yeah me too yeah but but you can trust with me that like i'm kind of right there on that wavelength yeah you're like on the same spectrum that i'm on yeah yeah so i think we'll kind of ease into yeah i feel like you and i will have like a like a love hate type relationship love hate yeah why love hate i don't know i feel like that and i will have like a like a love hate type relationship love hate yeah why love hate i don't know i feel like that's the only way it'll work you know what i mean no i think it'll

be love love really yeah shit i can imagine you just like being a dick to me and me like being a dick to you really maybe that yeah in like a joking way in a joking way yeah because i feel like oh yeah that would be fun yeah yeah because if you're too nice to me it's like you know it'll make me upset no no i'm not gonna be nice yeah it'll feel like a make-a-wish if you're like oh no that's okay no no yeah it's kind of insulting when people are like nice to you sometimes yeah anyone who's nice to me i'm like dude get the fuck away from me yeah yeah well you could feel kind of the difference i think yeah you can kind of you can smell it out when they're kind of like patronizing you yeah you kind of look like you would like break my heart though something like deep really that's

so that's a crazy thing to say this fresh into the episode i mean maybe it's the opposite you know we could go either way i guess you should have that look where like you would kind of like reel me in and then like stab me i can't believe you're saying this to me i'm just letting it out dude and actually stab you no just like emotionally oh emotionally yeah no no i mean well i don't know yeah yeah have you ever done are you like into doing that to like guys into i wouldn't say i'm into yeah it has happened but it's also happened to me. Oh, wow. Yeah. Do you think you did it to, like, rebel? I wouldn't say that. I would say maybe it's kind of the cycle of life, you know?

Yeah, yeah. It happens to you, and then you kind of harden. Wow. And then you do it to somebody else. Shit. It's kind of beautiful when you, like, say it that way. A little bit, yeah. Yeah.

But maybe I'm due for one again yeah shit i used to have like a joke about that because like girls like they always get their hearts broken kind of like early on by like a chat or a brad and then they start breaking hearts no dude i would never get my heart broken by a chat or bad never what do you what do you what's like what's i'm never i was never into like hot like cool guys ever what was your type like just like weird like i just has to kind of be have something a little weird like yeah just i mean that's kind of like you know i mean everyone's weird dude no no but like but not like a like a fratty kind of guy who's like very comfortable you know i mean everyone's weird dude no no but like but not like a like a fratty kind of guy who's like very comfortable you know all the time yeah confidence kind of like yeah like people yeah

like people guys think like oh you have to be confident or whatever but like yeah like or like kind of simple confident you know like yeah or like muscular like i don't i never really like was really into that you're like into like man tits and shit no well not not not like particularly that well kind of doesn't really matter to me it's more like just kind of something in their eyes or something like like a spark maybe they had like like a relative that like overdosed on drugs or something like that yeah so you're like kind of like me you're kind of like a lifetime movie type lover what does that mean like you see something like

deep inside of someone yes like a intern yeah yeah yeah it's like uh it's about yes fuck yeah dude dude my the first person i ever was in love with was my best friend in high school we were best friends for four years and like i was never we were just friends you know and i was never like i never really thought about it because i guess when you're in high school you're kind of like like like at this age you know like if you're friends with someone for long enough it's like okay either we're gonna fuck or we're not but like at in high school it's like oh we're not going to yeah you know i mean it's like off limits yeah yeah but then we eventually like it became sexual between us but i was it was never like i was

never like physically attract him or necessarily but like i've never been so like that was it for me like it it didn't matter like once we were that close it was like i didn't i didn't really give a fuck about the you know yeah and he Yeah. And he was weird, too. He was super weird. And you liked that about him? Yeah. Like, the weirdness? Everybody, like, people thought he was, like, autistic, like, but I was like, I understand. Yeah. I've never met a girl that's, like, mentally challenged like me.

You know what I mean? Are you calling me autistic? No, I'm just saying I still have yet to, like, you know. Do you think that you're, what do you think that you are definitely mentally challenged mentally like in what sense i just like haven't been tested yet and i think there's something going on for sure like what like i've never been able to like because you're clearly not down or anything like that yeah definitely like on the spectrum on the spectrum for sure

yeah something's going on sometimes like people ask me what i'm thinking and i'm just like not thinking about anything i i feel like that's not true though i feel like you're you are but you're no like i want you're zoning out maybe you ever have like have you ever seen someone that looks like they're in like deep thought yeah that's kind of kind of like what I look like, but like in my head, it's just like darkness. And I'm like trying hard to like really formulate. Well, maybe that's your problem. You can't really try to be thinking of things. Yeah.

Maybe it just comes naturally. I've never like met a girl though that like, I feel like most chicks are just trying to like drink like espresso martinis and like travel more. You know what i'm saying and i'm trying to like live life on the edge and like you know have like a silly goose time and it's just like what does that mean it's like do fun shit you know like yell stuff and like yeah yell stuff do like weird shit okay i guess yeah it's like you remember like old sleepovers when you were younger? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Like you just got like silly dude. Nothing was as funny as sleepovers when you were a kid. Yeah. I mean, they got kind of weird too. Did they? Yeah, for sure.

Like how? I mean, once you whip out like the twister board. You played twister with your, were you having co-ed sleepovers? Yeah. I had a sister. I had a sister. I have a sister.

So she would have her friends over and I would have my boys over. We'd play hide and go seek and shit. It got really weird, dude. That's kind of an uncommon thing, though, you know? Yeah. Something to look forward to, though. Yeah. Like hide and go seek, too.

Really? You played really Twister? Yeah, I did. Dude, that is some... Kids are fucking... That is some... Yeah. Like hide and go seek. Really? You played really Twister? Yeah, I do. Dude, that is some... Kids are fucking... That is some... I won't say it. Yeah.

That's inappropriate. That's inappropriate. Fuck you. That's not inappropriate. When you're like 14, dude. 13, 14. Twister was popping off back then. Okay, Twister wasn't...

I was not aware of that. Really? How old are you? 23. Okay. Okay, Twister wasn't. I was not aware of that. Really? Well, how old are you? 23. Okay. Oh, yeah, maybe. You're only a few years younger than I am. I mean, I think Twister was kind of like further down on the leaderboard.

I would say the top. From what? Like Dance Dance Revolution. Oh, I played that. Yeah. Yeah, but that was not a sexual thing. You could make it one. Was that the one with the mats? Yeah get the mats you dance how could you make that a sexual thing i mean dude if my

sister had like a hot chick over who was wearing like short shorts oh and you'd be like oh let's play like shake your no just like be like hey do like get busy by sean yeah yeah expert yeah yeah on expert and you'd be like oh wow you're so good at that game like watch your cheeks jiggle dude i was like 300 pounds i was like this is like the best you were 300 pounds i was pretty close i was pretty fat yeah whoa that is so interesting yeah i wasn't that fat but i was like obese for sure yeah yeah my tits yeah that's an interesting my tits were probably like as big as your tits are right now, dude. They were probably bigger. Really? Maybe, dude.

I'm saying yours were bigger. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I used to be able to suck mine in the shower. Really? Did you ever try? Yeah, I used to do it.

For real? For real. And you got something out of that? It was like one of the best feelings in the world. Are you kidding me? It was traumatizing afterwards, but like during i can't i don't believe you swear on my life dude hand to god hand to god hand to god you suck your own tits used to i can't suck them now dude fuck you bro i said you i said you did i said no when i was younger yeah when i was

obese yeah wow yeah i'll show you a picture after this with me when i was younger so that's so how come you lost the weight or like what did you do uh i was like gonna get diabetes and die pretty much well yeah i mean like you should yeah but like yeah like what was kind of the last the big thing was i signed up for peewee football and there was a weight limit and uh yeah my friend was like really into football and he wanted me to play because i was i was tearing it up on the the backyard turf yeah yeah you know and uh but you couldn't play because you were too fat too fat so there was like a weight loss journey i used to wear like a trash bag and run around the neighborhood oh man that's like old school yeah listen to like rocky music and shit oh you have like a whole character arc to your life yeah

that is kind of cool though and that's why like i've always kind of liked people who used to be really fat because i feel like it's kind of something interesting about them yeah it's cool when they still have their personality like i still have my personality exactly that's what dude yeah you ever meet like meet someone who lost a bunch of weight and they just became like oh yeah fucking person yeah and even when they start getting girls and stuff they're like still way cooler because they have the fat personality still yeah because they had to suffer because i think suffering makes you a more interesting person yeah makes you a real person it does yeah hitting the dude grinding out there just out there grinding yeah yeah like started from the bottom now we're here that's what i'm saying yeah i can't wow i can't believe you wore a trash bag and stuff

yeah i got really bad at one point i remember like i was on a run and like my kidney started to like cramp up and that's when i like googled it you could feel your i always wondered what it feels like in your kidney because i kind of have like health anxiety i'm always like am i getting a kidney stone but i'd realize i don't actually know where like where you'd feel that yeah i just felt it i just started you just knew is it the kind of thing where you're like oh this is my kidney like when it happens you know yeah it was like the same thing as like when you get dehydrated and you start cramping up i don't know if i've ever felt really you feel a cramp in your kid because i don't drink a lot of water in general. That's why I have water with me right now.

But when I get dehydrated a lot, I'll cramp up a lot. Damn. It's not a good feeling, dude. And then I Googled it, and you're just losing water weight, and it's super bad for you. Yeah, that seems really bad. Because you need to be taking in electrolytes and stuff, too. Yeah, it's just all water weight. Because you sweat it all out.

You do kind of lose some fat, though. I lost lot of fat well yeah for sure yeah but did you have like loose skin and stuff no i guess you were so young at that point maybe yeah if i did it now yeah dude they have um have you been seeing this like ozempic thing they have this oh it's really it's this weight loss pill that these celebrities are taking and everybody's losing weight but i kind of think like there's gonna be some side effect like maybe in like a decade or so everyone's gonna have cancer or some shit like that you should get like a third dick yeah something like that i bet you people would still fucking take it yeah for sure to lose the weight yeah imagine having three dicks, too.

That would be wild. Yeah, you could still go to the Olympics and stuff. I would take it just to have the third dick. Like, I would just be like, I don't care about the weight loss. Like, I would. Yeah, you're like, the only side effect is the fucking weight loss. Yeah. It's like, fuck the weight loss, dude.

Yeah. How'd you, like, find out about that though it's all over you haven't seen it is it like on the daily magazine or something it's yeah it's in the news and stuff there's people like just every once in a while it'll be like some new celebrity like are they on ozempic or not because they just they've lost like a dramatic amount of weight in like two weeks or some shit like that yeah yeah damn yeah i'm all natural dude yeah yeah it's all nobody's running in plastic bags anymore i'll tell you that much yeah dude even like even if you did lose a bunch of weight like if you had like pancake tits and you ended up losing like a bunch of weight over like a pill like that

wouldn't really feel that good yeah i think so too and then everyone kind of knows like oh you took the pill maybe it's kind of devaluing weight loss a little bit yeah you're just like cheating yeah that would be like if someone was like yeah like next week like you're doing a spot at like madison square garden a spot yeah you'd just be like you're like all right i'm not ready for this but yeah yeah you know like yeah i always think about like because we always think about how we want opportunities right yeah but like the fact of the matter is you don't want an opportunity that you're not ready for yeah so like most of the time these days i don't actually wish for more than i have yeah same here and then like even if you do

get the opportunity that you're not ready for it's like fuck dude it's like fuck that's what i'm saying yeah i'm not even close to like deserving of this yeah exactly and then it's like you feel like shit when you're there you feel like you don't deserve to be there yeah you feel like people are doing you a favor it's like uh it shouldn't feel like you don't deserve to be there yeah you feel like people are doing you a favor it's like uh it shouldn't feel like that especially not with comedy because comedy is very important that you feel like yourself yeah i used to feel that way about like chicks you know what i mean because like i feel like every guy kind of like wants like a 10 but then when you meet a 10 you're like oh you like, you have imposter syndrome about it.

So you have the worst personality ever. Yeah. Well, usually this kind of what I was saying, like usually the most conventionally attractive people do not have the best personalities. Yeah, for sure. Like across the board.

Yeah. That's why I'm saying like, or like, yeah. Or they have to, something has to have happened to them yeah something traumatic something traumatic yeah yeah those are like the chicks you see in movies though yeah well yeah i guess what you're talking about like just people who are really

fucked up and stuff just like unrealistic shit where a chick's like a 10 and she like fucking fought in a war or something you're like oh yeah you know yeah versus like a 10 like the 10s you see on the street who are like supermodels and they've like never done anything difficult in their life and like if anything goes wrong well that's what i'm talking about but like let those people fuck each other that's okay they can have each other yeah because like the people here like don't even want them i feel like so you're saying like stay in your lane pretty much well i mean if i'm not telling you what to do like yeah if you like no i agree with you would like to have sex with someone who you would call 10 i don't think so no because i would like try to

talk to them about like deep things and i would uh i would get very upset like i might even cry a little bit that's your first mistake but that's like how my mind works you know what i mean like if i'm talking to like a solid 10 i'm not gonna be like you can't yeah so what's 10, I'm not going to be like. But you can't. Yeah. So what's your major? I'm going to be like, so like, what have you been through? Like, tell me your story. Yeah.

Something along those lines. Oh, one time when I was three. Yeah. 9-11 occurred. Something like that, dude. Something fucking stupid. And then you just, I just get wicked sad i get like oh dude there's that feeling of alienation like when you hook up with someone or something and you're just kind of not

on the same page and you're just there and you're like dude i gotta go home yeah like i gotta go home bro i don't know if i've ever yeah i mean i think i've been there back in the day what do you mean i'm just being honest like i back in the day like in high school and stuff i used to feel that way feel what way i was like you know i was hooking up with some hoes you know what i'm saying with some hoes yeah i guess bro like nowadays man i mean we talk about this a lot on the podcast i'm just like i'm spanking dude you know you haven't when's the last time that you had sex eight months ago was that like lower than it really is september eight months it'd be eight months ago yeah it's a pretty long time yeah i've gone years man

yeah i've gone like two years and been fine yeah well nothing happens to you yeah i mean some dudes will go crazy you know like some dudes will be like you know i haven't had sex in like 30 days and they'll like lose their fucking mind well some people are also addicted to sex yeah for sure many people i would say it's hard not to be honestly i disagree with that really well i think it's slightly different i would say for men and women because so you want to like feel something you want to like have an emotional well yeah but it's also like harder for the sex to

actually be enjoyable so it's like harder to come by and there's like many factors involved in that i would say so it's hard to just be like oh i want to fuck someone tonight because like no i fucking don't like that sounds probably maybe terrible it does sound like a very particular circumstance then it might be really great but really you know depends yeah for sure yeah but that's just kind of like how dudes operate though but you say that you haven't had sex in i'm not your average dude though you know what i mean like i'm uh well okay i'm just saying like the bros like uh like the chads and brads we were talking about oh yeah they're just trying to they're out on a mission like that's yeah well that kind of

really kind of turns me off that's like kind of gross i think yeah for sure yeah like chads and brads are oh yeah i will like yeah i just don't like no i've never yeah dude we're getting some deep shit right now, man. Really? Yeah. We're diving deep into life. Yeah, yeah. This is our first interaction ever. Yeah, we're just talking about like.

Yeah, but I had a feeling we'd have a good conversation. Yeah. Yeah, because I, do you know, you know, Patty? No. Oh, really? Oh, he knows, he knows you apparently. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

Well, he told me you're very funny. He's a really good friend of mine. Oh, wow. Yeah. Damn, dude. I feel like a dick then. I fucking i fucking well maybe he just saw you at a show or something i wouldn't feel too bad about i don't know if we've we definitely haven't met i think i think maybe he saw you at a show i wouldn't feel too bad about it yeah yeah because if i met him i would know yeah yeah i mean he's really cool you would like him yeah fuck you bad enough it's pretty cool though like do you ever like uh just not to be

like weird but like you know like the moment during a podcast when it gets like quiet for a few seconds i like really like that i don't like when people try to um like blow through it yeah you know what i mean but like you know how there's like that moment of silence where you're like oh shit yeah like what are we going to talk about next yeah i love like sitting in that yeah because that just happened right yeah just right now yeah yeah it kind of bothers me when people like just try to go like you can tell especially as a podcast host you can tell that they're kind of trying to like just go right into the next thing. Like they have that anxiety about like, oh shit, what if we have nothing to talk about?

Yeah, there's always something to talk about. There's always something to talk about, yeah. It's just funny like when you're on a podcast and it gets quiet and then someone just like starts talking about the weather. And you're like, dude, just sit in it for like a few seconds, man. But yeah, it was like that feeling of you're like right on the edge of that cliff there. Yeah. That's how it feels on stage too. Yeah, everyone hates silence.

If you ever stopped on stage. Oh, yeah. But right on the other side of that is very funny. Yeah. You know what would be very funny? What? If just during your set you just stopped where would you look though like into the stands or like at the ground

i think you'd look at the ground i wonder if someone would like kick you off or they were just like you know that would be sick if everyone got quiet with you no one said anything for like 40 seconds just mid-sentence yeah that'd be beautiful man would you ever do that i would i would enjoy that i think i'd be too scared to do that at this point something about like i don't know if this is weird or not, but like sitting in silence. Like I could. Oh, dude, I love.

Yeah. I could sit in silence for like a half an hour. I love when like you just went on like a road trip or something with someone and you're on your way back. And like neither of you are talking talking but nobody's worried about the other person like no one feels like they need to take care of the other person and you're both just like you're just so at ease in each other's presence like you're glad they're there but you also don't wish to be talking to them yeah that's such a particular feeling yeah like knowing that like you're grateful for their presence yeah and that you know that they make you feel less alone but

they don't yeah you don't need to be constantly stimulating them yeah like you don't have to say you know that like you don't have to say anything and they don't have to say anything like you're just kind of like grateful for them being there yeah like that's enough yeah yeah versus like being in a relationship where like it can't be quiet for more than like 30 seconds or there will be like a legitimate genocide yeah some people are kind of like that a little bit i think it's just like insecurity really yeah well i can't like sit in silence yeah yeah. Yeah. Or like ADHD. Anxiety. Anxiety. I think. Yeah. Everything I think comes from anxiety.

Really? Yeah. You said you've been going to, is that where you go to therapy for? Anxiety. Well, not in particular. Depression? Well, I wouldn't say like I have a diagnosis of anything really. It's more just kind of everything all together, you know?

You're just going to therapy for life? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For the condition of me yeah yeah do you ever have the thought that like like the fucking thought where you're just like i'm just gonna like be me or no and stop going to therapy yeah well therapy helps me i would say be a better version of myself i think i've made peace with a lot of things about myself that i used to be more actively trying to fight but yeah like having a penis like having dick yeah sorry dude i had to fit in like one joke i just wanted to fit in like one joke just like you know you set it up so i was No, it was perfectly fine that you said that.

Sorry. It was like a serious moment too. And I just fucked it up, dude. Yeah. You fucked the whole thing up. Yeah. I've been doing that a lot, honestly. What?

Fucking things up. Yeah. I was on a podcast recently and like it got very serious. Like this dude was talking about something very emotional to him. Yeah. And I just started like laughing my ass off and I don't know why. Oh, well sometimes that happens. It's kind of like the the like you're in class and the teacher is telling you not to laugh kind of thing yeah it's like hilarity sort of but no but it's okay i wasn't like

really serious about it you know i'm just saying like um what was i even saying therapy about there oh yeah um yeah it's like a positive thing it doesn't it doesn't feel like i'm like oh i gotta fucking change you know it's like yeah it's more like i it can put me at ease at times yeah so you yeah that's a good way of putting it like you're just trying to be like a better version of yourself yeah i'm trying to be at peace i would say like look yourself in the mirror and be like yeah fuck yeah dude yeah maybe not fuck yeah maybe that's a little high of a bar i'd say like okay wow when you look yourself in the mirror that's you would never like throw a fuck yeah in there like if you were feeling really dangerous. I don't know if I've ever said fuck yeah in my life. Really? That's, like, all I say. The amount of times I say fuck and dude are, like, alarming.

It's, like, all I say, honestly. Yeah. That's okay. Like, the way guys communicate. Like, my roommate and I, we just, like, make orgasm sounds sometimes. And we just know that, like, we're on the same page you know what i'm saying that sounds like um kind of like your high school boys at summer camp yeah yeah like have you ever like a story and i was like dude you would know that like that's enough right oh if you said dude yeah but if i was like dude oh yeah it depends it all depends on the intonation of the dude.

If it was like a wild story, you were like, oh, my God, I fucking. Oh, when you said dude, yeah, that would convey a lot. Yeah, that would be enough for you. Yeah, I regularly use dude as well. Yeah. You think you're like for the boys or you're like for the boys and girls or just for the girls? Oh, what does that mean really? Like are you like, you like hanging out with the dudes and like shooting the shit?

Oh, I like hanging out with everybody, but I really will in terms of both. I really don't like when... I would say... I like when people... I like people in general who are real with themselves and about other people. And so that can kind of be both... Both women and men can be guilty of not doing that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. So you like a well- what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So you like a well-rounded group of people? Yeah. Yeah. That's risky, man. Why? That you're not for the boys. That I'm not for the boys?

I'm just kidding, dude. You can't say that to me. I know. I'm sorry. That's a bad habit. You're only like the second girl to come on. I was noticing that, yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's an honor i guess yeah for sure that's why was i maybe supposed to say that i'm for the boys because that's maybe your audience or something it's just dudes oh oh i'm for the boys then just no i don't want to say that because like i don't i don't like the type of guy like i have so many guy friends that i love but i don't like the type of guy that hates women. Like, why would I? Yeah, yeah. You know? For sure. So, you're all about, like. Just anybody.

Like, just people. You're throwing me off, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Just people. Yeah. When you came here, I thought you were going to be, like, a roast master, kind of. Because I've never met you.

Oh, I've done roast. Is that? Yeah. Yeah. So, I thought you were going to be, like, calling me, like, mentally challenged and, like, making fun of me and stuff. No.'re just like telling me like how genuine of a person you are and i'm just kind of like a little thrown off well i don't really have the desire to just like to start roasting people i don't know it's like deep inside you though i mean like i would

say if someone is like if it called the situation calls for it yeah so you're kind of like the hulk like if you get called upon yeah or like if people are being shitty then like yeah i would love to call them on that but so far like i feel like we've had a really we've had a good interaction yeah yeah i'm sorry dude what no there's something in me that like kind of want to like piss like i kind of want to piss you off just to like oh is that why you said the thing about for the boys i just think it's funny to like cross the line there's something about like a girl where like where she like reaches that point of roasting.

I just think it's kind of funny. Oh, yeah. A lot of guys kind of like that, I feel like. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like, I don't know. It's just funny. Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah, I guess you didn't really know me. But it's very few things. Well, I wouldn't say very few few things but very particular things make me genuinely upset but i don't think you would i don't know if you would be able to like necessarily manufacture that in this conversation yeah you know what i mean i definitely because i can see your intentions like even if you're saying shit to like stir the pot or whatever yeah oh no i'm going with the flow for sure but it's like for you know like that first like uh read you get on someone yeah like if someone saw me they'd be like this kid looks like he's about to cause like a legitimate genocide

and then if they possibly yeah you have a little bit like school shooter kind of a look yeah but then if they talk to me like they'd be like oh all right it's a little different than yeah yeah well you thought why did you think that is that because i've done roast battles before yeah well i all i had was like your instagram which is a terrible thing to say to like look at someone's instagram and like judge them based off of that oh well that's all you had that's all i had yeah those are all the documents i had yeah but i was never like oh like this is who this chick is i was like oh i'm gonna get to know this chick but there was a part of me that was like anticipating you to like you know be like a roast master for some reason which you still are but you're like a humble roast master which

is well i do roast battle but i'm not gonna just i think it's kind of like isn't it like a little bit stupid when people are just like i'm just gonna roast people in the room right now oh no not even that i just mean like uh if you came in here like the podcast started and like you told me go fuck myself or something oh no i was getting ready for that i'm sorry and i'm happy it didn't happen because i wouldn't have been ready for it but you said that's what you're expecting. Yeah. I was like, you know, expecting it. Yeah.

I wasn't ready for it. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. I had no intentions of doing that. Just a genuine person, dude. I get it. Yeah.

It's very beautiful. Thanks. As that fucking motorcycle drove by. Yeah. But you grew up in a small town? I grew up in a, yeah, a small town. Like how small? I don't exactly know.

Are you familiar with California at all? Not really, no. Okay, so it's a small town in California called San Luis Obispo, California. Okay. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out, slow me's. So you call them?

Yeah. Shit, dude. Whereabouts? Like in California? It's on the central coast of California. Okay. And yeah, I mean, I guess it wasn't that small. There's like, we have a college town there, but my high school was, it's kind of like

Hicktown a little bit. Like we had like 4-H and stuff. Do you know what that is? It's like when people raise animals and then No, like yeah, it's like kids they raise animals and then they sell them and stuff like that. Oh, well, yeah So did you grow up on a farm or no kind of yeah like a an estate Wait so like describe like start from the beginning okay well what's start from what beginning i just want to paint a picture right now so like what do you mean kind of a farm like did you have animals i grew up on yeah we had like chickens and

ducks and stuff like that oh shit yeah that's fucking sick dude and you yeah and i was like kind of like a farm girl a little bit yeah and then i moved houses i moved to like the beach town which was like 10 minutes from like the hick town kind of it's like hick town slash beach town sort of yeah yeah so you grew up raising like you took care of the animals and stuff was that a part of like kind of yeah was it part of what like your day-to-day routine like you take care of the animals yeah we would like collect the eggs and stuff like that damn yeah me and my friend talk about this all the time like just starting our own farm oh yeah it's very wholesome like if you ever want a family or anything i think it was kind of like

probably maybe the one good thing about my childhood yeah yeah you just like felt like uh you felt wholesome yeah i think it was really like like a really enriching environment, you know? Yeah. Even when I go to like, uh, I'll go to like fucking, uh, just animal farms sometimes in the summer. Where? Uh, like in Massachusetts and stuff. Mm-hmm. Like the pet, like the petting zoos and stuff? Yeah.

Not so much like petting zoos. They just have like, uh, you know, like llamas and like, uh, I go there specifically for like the turtles really I got a nice picture with you like the turtles I got a picture with a turtle yeah it was fucking sick dude it like it made my day it made my year really for sure yeah

it was just me and the turtle damn yeah you have a great dog people who have good dogs that's a good sign about them yeah like um yeah but yeah dude i like uh i've always wanted to just like start my own farm even if it's just like one cow oh yeah sometimes i fantasize about just like leaving the fucking city and just fucking somehow like getting on a piece of land where I can just ride horses. You know how to ride a horse?

Not really. But I just think about. Yeah. I just imagine it. Wow. Isn't it? It's kind of one of those things where it feels like if you really wanted to, you just could. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. Like you wouldn't be controlling your own body it would just be like some external force it feels like you could like i know you have to be professionally trained to horseback ride or whatever but doesn't it kind of feel like you could just like hop on top of one and it kind of you would just like kind of know yeah i think if it was like was like a well trained horse i would feel that way yeah maybe not a wild horse but yeah wild horse yeah fuck my horse that has been ridden before yeah it knows what's going on yeah yeah yeah we had a girl in

high school who gave a speech about uh she fell off a horse and like uh she injured herself and like uh when she brought up the fact that like she got injured she just started crying from fall well how what was the kind of she has like ptsd from falling off of a horse she like started like dude i was i was laughing my ass off dude yeah yeah yeah it like wasn't funny but it was oh you want to know something funny i wonder if we would have been friends in middle school or high school... Oh, you want to know something funny? I wonder if we would have been friends in middle school or high school or whatever. Yeah. You want to know something funny?

Like one time I got kicked out of... We had like a talent show or whatever. Yeah. And this was in middle school. And this kid was singing... What's that Imagine Dragons song? Come on. The one that's like popular. I don't think i would know the name i'd probably know like the beat oh can you sing it can you sing it can i don't even remember how

good can you like start singing or something start singing singing a song i don't know start making sounds you're like oh yeah that's it well okay what's the one that everybody knew back in the day um i'm thinking about like wing and park my songs no no no imagine dragons yeah imagine i know yeah i know what you're talking about yeah like the like it has kind of like that kind of sound. Yeah, that narrows it down. You want me to look it up, dude? Okay, anyway, so this girl was singing it,

and I'm pretty sure there was like no music or something, and she was just like really bad. Yeah. Like remember when people were just fucking bad? This was in front of the whole school. And they would sing in front of people, and their parents just let them do that? Yeah, this was in front of the whole school? And they would sing in front of people, like, and their parents just let them do that. Yeah, this was in front of the whole school? Yeah.

It was like, I went to middle school, my middle school was called Paulding. It was at Paulding's Got Talent. Oh, shit. Or some shit like that. And I was laughing so hard that I got kicked out. Jesus. You were in the stands? stands yeah i was in the audience you got kicked out holy shit yeah they kicked me out and i was a really good kid but they kicked

me out and they sent me to the principal's office and that was maybe the first time that i was like oh i'm like i'm a i guess i'm a good kid, but I think I have a little bit of evil in my heart. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. I had the same thing. I was in band, and I played the trumpet, and we did a musical in front of the whole school. And in the middle of one of the songs,

I just started blowing my trumpet as loud as I could. And I was blowing it in the kid's ear next to me who was trying to play and i ruined the entire song and like the the instructor like lost his mind but it was in front of like the entire school that's really i was like i was crying for like an hour like laughing oh okay i was like you did it bro it was just funny because like everyone prepped like all year for that moment and i just ruined it yeah there's something really funny about like just something being ruined yeah like spending like a long amount of time to prepare for it and then just one kick is fucking fucked. Ruins it all, dude. It only takes, like, three seconds, too. Yeah.

It's true. Like, anybody could do that if they really wanted to. That was always in my heart, too, like, when I was younger. Yeah. Especially in band. Like, there's something about music, like, when it gets fucked up. Oh, yeah. Dude, I could have, I think, easily been a band kid.

Like, I wasn't, but I could have, like, it could have easily gone in that direction for me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the only fun thing about band was, like, just blowing notes, like, as loud as you could. Yeah, well, band kids were always, like, super weird. Yeah. They were, like, they were so gay. Yeah, they were either gay or like

kind of like furry convention energy to them a little bit you know what i mean oh no there was like i wasn't saying like gay isn't like lame like oh like there was a lot of like gay dudes oh yeah no i know but i'm saying aside from the homosexuality yeah yeah there's nothing wrong with it you know what i mean no i'm not a lot of them played like the clarinet but see what i did there was that supposed to be like a dick or something it's like a dick joke yeah it was pretty that was pretty bad what did you like what were you into though when when you were younger besides like ruining people oh well dude i ran cross country oh shit and cross country kids were also weird yeah if you recall damn yeah how were you good at it or no oh yeah i was really good really yeah are you bragging

i'm just telling you the truth how good dude i was like really very good like i was like the best what's the furthest you've ever ran well that's not an appropriate question because it's cross country yeah but you don't run as far as you can go you run a set distance and then you see how furthest you've ever ran well that's not an appropriate question because it's cross country yeah but you don't run as far as you can go you run a set distance and then you see how fast you can do that that's what i'm wondering though like what was your best my best well you wouldn't know would you know like what would you be able to gauge probably like pace no but like distance wise like would you know if i told you a 5k would you know what a good time is probably not yeah so 5k is like what three 3.1 miles okay well let me just tell you

in track i ran the two mile and my best time was a 10 51 so that's a 525 mile each oh shit yeah dude and i ran close to sub five i almost got sub five in the mile i ran 503 wow i was really good dude yeah that was my whole like that was kind of my whole world in high school and that's kind of why also i wasn't really like very social or like i i did i had like that one friend that i told you that i got like like, freakishly close with. Yeah. But, like, other than that, I didn't really, like, I was never, like, partying or anything like that. So you were kind of like a nerd? Yeah, I was a nerd and, like, yeah.

Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. But I guess, like, I never really had, like, a group of friends or anything like that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel the same way. I never had, like, one set group of friends or anything like that yeah you know what i mean yeah i feel the same way i never had like one set group of friends oh yeah yeah i was always like mixing up yeah i was with and i always felt like i didn't have enough friends like in high school i was like i never know who to go hang out with like a lot of times i would just have lunch alone because i was like oh shit yeah it's not really sad that's a really sad but even if like even if i knew i didn't have anyone to sit with i would still like sit near someone but i just also liked to this day

i just like eating alone yeah it's like a very like oh now now primal kind of state that you're in when you're eating i feel like you need to kind of give all your focus to it sometimes really like when people like chat and eat unless i'm like really comfortable with people i i always kind of like get a little distracted when that's happening you're just trying to like focus on the gains really not the gains bro but like i know you're kidding but i'm gonna respond to you i don't know if you were eating like fucking like chicken breasts and like broccoli or if you're just like just i'm just talking about just regular food you're just like kobayashi like hot dogs then you're just like really focused why does it have to be chicken breasts or hot dogs it's on middle ground just trying to paint a picture dude yeah but like back to running like i'm into running or i was like uh lap i can't really run around here because

there's nowhere to run but i would uh i would shred the track dude oh really yeah man i would go late at night and just fuck oh man so that's so such a romantic image like yeah just this guy trying to fucking lose weight like just running at night in a plastic bag nuts flopping everywhere dude just there's nothing better than going to the track, like, on a summer night by yourself. Oh, man. Yeah. There aren't really tracks around here, are there? No, this is like a park with a track.

There is? Yeah, Astoria Park has a track, but there's always, like, so many. Does it turf? Yeah, there's always so many people on it, though. Oh, that's annoying. Yeah, there's, like, the track around the turf. But there's, no, but there's always so many people on it though oh that's yeah there's like the track around the turf but there's no but there's okay not turf what's like the red tar is it all weather like yeah it is yeah it's like a legit track you're kidding yeah but there's always like a

lot of people there so it's not the same as like if you were in like a small town and like no one's there and like you can just like kind of like be with yourself and like dude i miss like yeah i kind of miss running i kind of miss like dude it's like so good for you mentally too oh yeah no i still run like that but i miss like competitively you run at the gym or yeah and outside when i can but i miss like yeah like running on a fucking track dude and like just going until your lungs like burn yeah do you ever get like a runner's high oh yeah I don't think I've ever experienced that every step is like a struggle for me yeah you have to get kind of past that threshold yeah and then you can it really is like a threshold thing it's almost like you're going to

heaven dude that's how I imagine yeah well I don't know if I've gone really like a runner's high it's almost like you're going to heaven dude that's how i imagine yeah well i don't know if i've gone really like a runner's high it's more like i don't actually know if i've gotten it i guess it's just when like you reach that point where you're not even like thinking you're kind of like oh yeah i think i've been there and then you have endorphins and stuff like that yeah and you definitely feel good when you finish yeah that's what she said yeah i knew as soon as i said i was like um all right hold on i have to pee dude i'll be right back okay you can just do this in the middle of your podcast all right my bad dude it's like the longest piss of my life dude that was wild that was not good

it was literally like probably the longest one ever you could hear that yeah kind of hell yeah it sounded healthy it sounded long yeah yeah it sounded like you're drinking a lot of water i guess yeah no i just pee a lot in general like even though i'm not drinking water oh really something's wrong with me for sure yeah maybe you Maybe you're, like, flushing it out. Yeah, I hope so. Is it the right color? Or I just have, like, diabetes, dude. Is that a symptom of diabetes?

Yeah, when you pee a lot. Oh, but, dude, everything's a symptom of everything. I don't know. Diabetes, that's like a, you know, it's like a legitimate sign you have diabetes. That you pee a lot. Yeah. Whatever, dude. If I have diabetes, fuck it, man.

Like, you know. Do you actually think you have diabetes i could yeah it runs in my family there's a good chance i have it oh shit i need to start eating healthy again it's bad dude yeah what do you eat i used to eat pretty healthy but like last year back home i would eat like chicken and rice and like uh i would eat like beef and broccoli and stuff i would like do the meal prep thing yeah and now i'm just eating like fucking pizza and like well that's your that's your problem is you can't be all or nothing about it yeah you're right you know i just gave up dude yeah yeah but that's

gonna happen if you crack the whip like you can't crack the whip you have to just isn't crack the whip when you like pop the hood open no i'm talking about like sorry no i thought crack the whip was like when you hop out of like a lambo no crack the whip is like need i say slave lingo oh shit can you like elaborate for like someone like me what i'm saying what i'm saying is if you treat yourself like you enslave yourself to your own will yeah and you're like i'm gonna fucking be completely clean i'm gonna be like a monk i'm gonna like not jerk off i'm gonna not eat sugar i'm not saying you said that but like you get what i'm saying yeah i'm gonna not eat any sugar whatever you can't live like that like you're gonna fall back you're gonna be like fuck it

and then give up you have to be like all right i'm gonna sometimes yeah because then overall on average it'll be better. Yeah, no, I still had like tits and stuff. Like I was still like, I was just kind of like, you know. I actually kind of enjoyed it, dude. Eating like chicken and beef and shit. There was something about it. Is someone going to come in?

I think it's my roommate. Oh. Yeah. Are you fucking scared, dude? No, I wasn't scared. I kind of want to talk about running more, though, because I'm always, like, interested to talk about running. Really? Yeah.

It, like, fascinates me. It does? Yeah. Sorry, I'm distracted. That's all right. Well, what, okay. Well, what else? um well what okay well what else so you would run like cross country and then why why did you stop like after high school because

what up dude well because i was gonna do it in college and then I didn't like, no, what really happened? Okay, what really happened was I quit my senior year because I was burnt out and I couldn't really do it anymore. You quit, dude? Yeah, well, dude, I was so, I was like destroying my body. You know, I didn't get my period until I was 18. Were you like really skinny yeah and when you run you're like eating your body right basically yeah well i was working out so

much that i really couldn't damn dude yeah yeah i was like like opposite issues yeah yeah yeah here we are now here we are we have vented up here so you just quit like you were like i can't do this anymore yeah i you know what's crazy is i was doing i've been running for like 10 years i think since i was like yeah like seven or eight or something yeah and then one day i just woke up and i quit yeah you were set on it you didn't have to think about it at all i mean it wasn't exactly like that it was kind of like somebody make fun of you no make fun of me for what i don't know being like skinny or something no no i'm telling you it wasn that. I'm just saying like. You're just like, fuck this. I just knew that I felt like shit.

My body felt terrible. I was tired all the time. And I knew it was wrong that I didn't, I wasn't getting my period. Like, I was like, okay, everyone else I know. I'm like 18 or whatever I was, 17. And I was like, this is probably bad. Like, there are really bad side effects of doing that. You get, like, osteoporosis when you're old.

Really? If you don't get, like, if you suppress your hormones. Yeah, I don't really know much about, like, what does that mean? Like, I don't know much about, like, the whole period thing. Okay, so it means the reason I know is because I went through it is because, like, if you don't have enough. Okay, so you know how the the okay the male hormone is testosterone the female hormone is estrogen so if you're like working out too hard

right you're you're raising your cortisol levels right like you're so your body's so overworked that you're like suppressing your um estrogen and so that's why like gymnastic uh gymnasts and stuff they all look like kind of underdeveloped yeah you know because they're they work out so much that they literally are kind of a little bit prepubescent still like yeah for real um and so where the fuck is that going oh yeah so if you don't have like high enough hormones in your body for long enough you can like it's just bad for you

so that could affect it like giving birth and shit it can maybe and you also can you get osteoporosis in old age which is like your bones are brittle which is never a good thing so what did

you start doing just taking like protein shakes hit the gym and shit well i no i just stopped running competitively and started just like working out a normal amount and not like as as much as i was like you were still running though yeah i still ran and i went to the gym and stuff but i but i like, I just stopped because I would work out for like just fucking hours every day because I would do practice and then I would, I was running like up to like nine miles at one point for practice and then I would also go to the gym after and like work out more. Yeah.

I was a little bit addicted to it though. You're like David Goggins, dude. I don't know what that means, but. You don't know David Goggins? No, I don't know what that is. That sounds't know david goggins no i don't know what that is that sounds familiar shout out my boy david goggins dude okay who's david goggins then you'd look him up i don't have my phone no after this you just look him up tonight he'll make you he'll make you want to run like you'll listen to him and then you'll go for like a 20 mile run yeah but see i already run so i think i think what do you listen to when you run music yeah like what type of music though um it depends sometimes i like listening to sad music

when i run like what type of sad music like the fray so actually lately i've been listening to like 2000s yeah 2000s yeah angst i love like 2000s angst what's that like blank 182 like um what's the other like what are the like real angsty um like nickelback oh you're a nickelback person and like wait no wait was it not nickelback what's the one that's like yeah maybe it was nickelback this has been an issue for me today yeah dude i listened to yeah i listened to the same thing like 2000s 2010 oh yeah you like like avril lavigne and stuff oh yeah i was i like avril lavigne always wondered like what chicks listen to at the gym because like dudes listen to like well like not every dude obviously but like most dudes are listening to like hardcore like gang shit oh yeah like girls are listening

to like big booty mix and stuff you know what i mean i mean bro everybody's different that's what i'm saying like you can say chicks do this dudes do this but like yeah you're right it's just a way of revealing the types of girls that you know you't over generalize like that i'm just saying yeah i just always wondered yeah i mean i don't know what other people listen to but yeah so i i just kind of like i like um i like the angst yeah sometimes let's do angry music sometimes Sometimes I, huh? Like metal. Um, I don't even really know because this is not like my usual category, but I'll just sometimes go on Spotify and look up like fucking really fucking angry running music.

And then I'll put it on and it's just like, yeah, I guess some of it's metal and some of it's just like really angry rap about like some guy who's probably killed people or something like that that's what you type in in the search bar yeah that whole thing but it's like but that's only sometimes like when i'm really enraged shout out to spotify for like picking that up yeah do they read your mind sometimes like picking that up yeah do they read your mind sometimes yeah i listened dude i used to listen to fucking legit metal when i uh was like lifting heavier oh it was only like five songs though because like i didn't like a lot of the songs but some of the songs were like fucking insane dude

like parkway drive have you heard park? I don't know what that is. I'm not familiar with that. Just some dude fucking... All right. I won't even say it. It's weird. Why? It's just like metal.

It's like... Well, you got to say it now. It's fucking some dude screaming at the beginning. And there's like a bell ringing in the background. Oh. You know what I mean? Oh, that's angry, angry. Yeah.

Oh, you have some rage, maybe. Not anymore. But back then, dude, fucking... Yeah. i was fucking maxing out for scoliosis for scoliosis yeah like i was doing scoliosis for time what does that mean just like uh it's basically like um a joke about my back bending like during workouts you know what i mean like have you ever seen have you ever seen someone deadlift and their back is like oh i see so i'm doing that like as a goal okay you know what i'm saying i understand now thank you yeah glad you got it yeah are you only

running though or do you like you're doing like bicep curls no i don't do bicep curls just like wrists and ankles i always want to know what you do at the gym this is the one thing i've noticed me no guys do like what do we do at the gym no no they always ask like what do you do i mean it's like very uh yeah i'm i'm like a victim of that for sure well i'm not saying it's bad i'm just i don't like people but i'm just like very curious yeah yeah i like talking about like working out yeah yeah not in like a gay way just like i just think it's like cool i understand yeah you know like if a chick's like yeah you know i did this today i'm like oh fuck yeah you know what i mean yeah i

guess but some people are like you're a fucking loser man like why are you talking about working out i don't i would not judge you for talking about working out i think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to talk about yeah what do we like uh you think it's weird to like if a guy asks a girl about the gym like do, do you think that's weird? Like ask her what? Like if they go to the gym, like, is it weird that I asked you that? do you go to the gym?

Well, you didn't really ask me like, do you go to the gym? Yeah. I was just like asking you like what you do for work. Like maybe if there was like a little bit of saliva dripping out of your mouth. Dude, there's a, there's a girl that goes to my gym and,

uh, she's like six feet tall. Okay. And her legs are, like, bigger than mine. Whoa. And I'm, like, really into her for some reason. Whoa. And I just have, like, a crush on her, dude.

And, like, I was working out next to her, like, last week. And all of a sudden, she spills her water, and it goes everywhere. And I see her going back and forth between the paper towels and, like, cleaning up the water, and I didn't help her. Why not? I don't know. Dude, I couldn't sleep for, like, four days. Oh, man.

In my head, I was like, dude, is that creepy, like, if I helped her? No, it's not creepy. That was, like, a layup, right? Yeah, it was. That was god sending you a yeah right there but i can see why you didn't because you know what's going on in your head and so you're somehow kind of afraid that she's gonna like feel it on you even if what you're doing is an innocent act yeah she's gonna make it out to be something or she's gonna know what you truly feel which is that like you want her to like squeeze your head between her thighs or whatever the fuck is going

through your head yeah like i'm helping her pick it up but i'm like thinking about her like sitting on my yeah like yeah and sometimes i will say like sometimes that does kind of come through like as the end goal like sometimes with some men like you do kind of you can kind of see it in their eyes oh yeah for sure that's all we're thinking about all the time yeah yeah i mean but like dude if a chick's wearing like you know short shorts and she's like bending over as a hobby it's kind of like you know it's hard to like focus yeah i can understand that yeah i'm not necessarily blaming you for feeling that way i'm just saying like um yeah it's like a real concern that she i like i'm like you when you eat at the gym like i don't like oh you don't want to i don't want to talk to anyone i

don't know yeah i'm like that too yeah yeah but it's like a private thing but there are some moments where i'll be like working out and there will be a chick legitimately bending over for no reason. Dude, but they're lifting weights probably. No, no. They're just like picking something up that's not there. You just don't see it. Yeah, probably. But, dude, it's like fuck it's like it's like me it's like a dude wearing a

muscle shirt and saying he's not trying to show off his biceps oh yeah i think i i definitely think that people are trying to show off their bodies yeah but that doesn't like so what yeah i mean like sure yeah that doesn't translate into like sit on my face but yeah i feel like it translates into something it does translate into something yeah yeah i'm not just walking up to chicks like hey like do you want to sit on my face i'm just like that would be something that would be hilarious yeah that would be bold you probably it would probably work better than what i'm doing right now it would be at least doing If he's not sitting there like a pussy, like, oh, no, should I help her or not? You would laugh, dude, if you saw that. Yeah.

If you were at the gym and you saw me walk up to a chick and I was like, hey, you want to sit on my face? You would laugh your ass off, dude. Maybe. Yeah, I guess I would, but. Or do you just stare at me like with like dismay? Well, you mean if I knew you like this or if I didn't know you? Like if you knew me. If I knew you.

Yeah, well, I guess I would feel kind of like I would feel kind of bad for her. Like she's kind of getting harassed right now. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that maybe goes back to your original question of like, am I for the girls or am I for the guys? Yeah. And I would say like, you know, I try to do like an even split. So. Yeah, I like the way you connect things together, dude.

You're almost like my Zen master. Like you really like put things into perspective. Yeah, everything you've said has been like pretty spot on. Yeah, I think overall we've had a pretty good. This has been deep, dude. Yeah, yeah. I didn't expect this. Really?

I kind of thought we would have a good conversation. Yeah. I didn't because you're a girl yeah i i believe that you thought i believe that you didn't yeah yeah no which is kind of a little bit insulting i'm sorry dude yeah i did have a good time talking to you yeah and i do thank you for coming and And Bub's going crazy right now. I miss him, dude. Yeah, we should end this, but... Dude, I did have a great time. Me too. And this was a deep conversation.

Yeah, yeah. You're the second woman to come on here. That's a lot in honor, bro. Yeah. I mean, if you don't text me to take it down, you're in the history books for sure. I'm not going to text you to take it down. All right, dude history books for sure i'm this is not i'm not gonna text you to take it down all right dude you ever think you want to like promote anything you want

to say to the people um to the people okay i have you can follow me on instagram this feels so gay say it dude okay you can follow me on instagram malia simon and um i have and I'm a comedian. I have a comedy show every Friday at 10.15 at St. Mark's Comedy Club. You should come out of your basements, fellas, and join us there. Boys. Boys. Amen.