The Johnny Salami Podcast - Matthew Broussard

Episode Date: November 20, 2024

Matthew Broussard by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. I'm falling bait each night I lie. And I think of you and cry. And I tell you all about.

Bring back my love. Or things to stay away from. What kind of? You're looking for vulnerable, silly. It's usually just pretty genuine, man. You know, it's pretty straightforward. Okay. I can be a weirdly serious guy yeah that's a bummer it's weird man because i used to uh i used to live with my mom and uh i was just living like a pretty depressing life man just

like jerking off and just like thinking about comedy and there was like a show dude i was like trying to get on this was i was like 21 or something dude and i would always see like this show and i would i would wait like years to get on this show and i remember like looking at like the schedule or whatever and you were like the headliner for one of the shows and that's when i first found out about you dude really and then i saw like your vagina joke and shit uh-huh and that's so i think about that stuff sometimes man i'm like it's pretty wild you know that must have been like seven years ago dude eight yeah 2016 yeah yeah the vajayjay joke dude yeah man that was my hit hard man thanks man i appreciate it i was like if i could meet this guy dude you know and talk about vulva together yeah here we are dude here we are vulvan out talking about

pussy dude talking about pussy and labia and all that fun stuff. Good things take time, man, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, congratulations on all that, man. That's, that's. Yeah. You doing, you were doing comedy when you were 21 or you were wanting to do comedy when you were 21?

I was like trying to live my life, but, uh, yeah, man, it was kind of like, uh, well, like right now it feels kind of like a Hallmark movie, you know, like you're kind of like the Chad and I'm kind of like the dude who like eats crayons and we're like making amends. Yeah. That's how I feel right now. That's pretty cool. But that was kind of like

my whole early 20s, dude. Was it, did you feel any kind of vendetta against me? Was it like any kind of like, I want to get that guy or just I want to, I want to just work with that,

like match that guy? I just kind of thought like what would happen if we clashed? Yeah. You know? If we made eye contact with each guy, like match that guy. I just kind of thought like what would happen if we clashed? Yeah. If we made eye contact with each other. We butted heads. This clash of the titans.

Yeah. Yeah. I've always wondered, man, you know, because at that point in my life, I was always kind of like making eye contact with chads and it wasn't really ending well. No. You know. Are you not? You're not a chad. No, I wish, man.

You got like obviously kind of a bro vibe that's very fun and very charming is there is there a type to it i used to be really fat and i lost weight so i'm kind of like you know those those type of dudes because you're you're a handsome guy thank you dude yeah but you know solid five solid six oh come on yeah yeah no no but uh i still have that fat person in me dude but, but I kind of slimmed down a little bit, you know what I mean? But that's why you're cool, because you used to be fat. You ever meet, like, I mean, it happens all the time when you meet someone who used to be fat. You're, like, fucking rooting for them. It makes me like you more right now that you used to be fat.

Because you know what it's like, man. Yeah. Fat people are the shit, dude. It's tough out there, dude. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You have a lot of fat friends?

No. Really? No. I mean, not outside of comedy yeah not a ton i feel for him yeah it's tough they always have like great personalities man but it's like it's tough to uh lose weight and keep that personality yeah do you do you feel a struggle there like trying to stay stay humble yeah dude in this in the summer for sure in the winter i can kind of like bulk up yeah and feel that like fat dude inside me but when summer hits man i'm out there just sweating my little titties off dude yeah i kind of feel like damn dude maybe i could join the dark side you know just lose all charm and and

just get like a six-pack dude and just be a dick you know you'd go straight evil i'd go all in man yeah do you uh so do you get like uh i mean you must get like uh judged a lot for like the whole like uh looking like a bully i mean i think like me personally i have like the emotional intelligence to know that you're probably not like a bully but do you get that a lot where it's like, oh, this dude's kind of like a fucking Chad? For when I was younger, for sure. For sure.

I'm getting a little older now. So I think that people are less, less getting older and uglier. And I think people like that. It's kind of easier. But yeah, certainly when I started out, people just, you know, I felt that sometimes like, fuck this guy when I hadn't done anything. I'm not like, I can be like kind of unaware in the loop, but I'm, I'm not like, I felt that sometimes, like, fuck this guy when I hadn't done anything. I'm not, like, I can be, like, kind of unaware and aloof, but I'm not, like, I'm not, like, I'm never trying to be a dick. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's day.

I can say some stuff that I don't realize is mean, but I'm not, like, fuck you. Yeah. I think for me, like, being fat and seeing dudes like you kind of, like, just shred pussy, I think that was the biggest thing that like made us upset yeah because we were always like in love with like the attractive women in school and just seeing you guys like and they would they'd be nice to you you're their friend they'd confide all their secrets in you right and they cry to you and then they come to the dudes like me yeah and then give it up i think uh as a dude, you kind of like you have to like earn respect.

And a lot of that involves like doing stupid shit. Yeah. You know. Being funny. Just being retarded, man. Retarded, yeah. And that's how you like gain, you know, respect. Yeah.

From the chads and stuff. Yeah. You got to be the little clown. Yeah. There was always that dude in the cool group who was like either like short or fat, but he was like real funny or really mean. Sometimes a really mean dude would be popular just because they liked his cruelty. Yeah.

Yeah. But I realize now, man, after all these years, it was all kind of like, if you're hot, man, you can pretty much do whatever, especially nowadays. Like, if you're a good-looking—I remember in college, I've told this story before, dude, but I was, uh, it's kind of like in love with this girl. And, uh, she was talking to this dude on the rugby team. And this guy was like, just like a purebred Chad, like tall man, handsome, no homo, just like a good looking dude. Yeah.

Had like a 1.6 GPA. And, uh, I remember like watching them talk at a 1.6 GPA and I remember watching them talk at a party and this guy was just saying penis over and over again to this chick and they ended up hooking up were there other words in between or was it like that scene in John Malkovich where he was just like penis penis penis

all penis dude it was a little more spread out though which is even more impressive she would like vent her life away and he would just be like penis and dude and it worked out for him yeah they hooked up man yeah and now that guy is an investment banker yeah that guy is crashing wall street with a 1.6 gpa just gave him the job yeah but then i like when i got older i kind of realized i think it was all because of like the fact that he was just like a good looking dude, you know? Yeah. When I was in my peak, it was like picking up chicks.

I was just like, just don't say something stupid. Yeah. Just be like, you don't need to be like even charming. Just don't say something dumb. Yeah. I still did. You still got it though? An okay batting average, but you would be heartened to know that it was a lot of strikeouts really i have no game but you weren't afraid to swing i was afraid to swing i was also afraid to

swing but some with the dating apps it's all easier because you can set it all up online and i wasn't i wasn't good like can you like walk up to girls and start talking can i no dude that shit's so scary i could if it's like a really hot chick uh-huh if it's like a super hot chick i'm not like scared of them yeah if it's like a girl who's like a solid six with like a good personality then i'm like damn dude i gotta bring my a-game i don't know what that is man yeah you're 28 you'll find it man that's young yeah i met my fiance at 28 um i asked out a barista once i was it was like the start when i was working day job and uh there's a really cute barista at the starbucks i go to every day

for lunch and uh i asked her out but it took me like three months to ask her out like three months of genuinely every day being like today's the day i'm gonna ask her out holy shit yeah you thought about it every day every day every time she's there i'm gonna ask her out then one day i finally and i was i was like braced for him. Like, if she says no, I got to, like, I guess I'm like a tea guy now. I can't drink coffee anymore. Yeah. Yeah, you can't go back.

You can't, man. No. So it was like double the risk, like rejection, and I'd lose coffee, and I really like coffee. How'd you ask her out? I just said, I don't remember anything slick. Just like, hey, I'd love to take you on a date sometime. Yeah. More direct. Yeah. It worked out. Shit. It worked out. I feel like I'm don't remember anything slick. Just like, hey, I'd love to take you on a date sometime. Yeah. More direct.

Yeah. It worked out. Shit. It worked out. I feel like I'm there right now, dude. Yeah. That's sick, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Ordered my. To do that at a Starbucks too, man, it takes a lot of balls. I guess so. Were there people behind you? No. When did you find the right time? It was the right time.

Yeah. I did that once with a chick from Supercuts, man. Took me like two or three months Really? Yeah cause I met her at the beginning of the summer She cut my hair dude And she was a dick dude She was like judging me and stuff

Cause she was like oh what do you do for fun And I'm like dude this chick works at fucking Supercuts What do you do for fun? Sounds like she's hitting on you Yeah but I was I was kind of judgmental man I was like you know Why don't you kind of like hang out

You know work like a nine to five And she started like really judging me She was like wow you know, I just kind of like hang out, you know, work like a nine to five. And she started like really judging me. She was like, wow, you should like, you know, find like your passion and shit. But the truth is like I would be like, I think I was like on the way to a show. I was trying to get like tuned up, get that super cuts cut. You know what I mean? Before like a bringer show. 15 bucks or whatever.

Looking fly. T-shirts still got the tags on them. Yeah, dude. Straight out of walmart dude straight up tj max chic trying to get some pussy you know she said yeah i didn't ask her out the first time but dude beautiful blonde chick man like i was kind of like blown away man and uh dude she made me so this usually doesn't happen but she made me so upset like she was really throwing it at me she was like you it at me.

She was like, you got to find something you're passionate about. And I was like, oh, well, you know, like, I actually do comedy and stuff. And I was like, why'd you say that? Why would you do that? Yeah, why would you say that, dude? So her eyes, like, lit up, dude. Like, she was like, oh, my God. And then we started hitting off, man. And I, like, basically fell in love with her, dude.

And, dude, I waited, like like two or three months bro because i was like you gotta wait till the hair grows back went back uh i was definitely the last haircut of the day man it's it's night out she was the only one there dude i remember she was eating a banana in the back she was like oh my bad i didn't know anyone was coming in dude it's sexy and great scene yeah, she remembered me and shit. Bro, so I ended up asking her out. And she was like, hey, like, you know, come over my place, dude. And long story short, man, pretty long story, but found out I go to her place in Johnston, Rhode Island. Very shitty place. I pull up to this house dude and she's outside

screaming shit and uh she was like come in come in and i'm like dude what's happening right now you know like in my head i'm like i'm about to get some pussy dude she's already outside screaming told me to come inside dude brought me into the basement she was like do you want to get high with my friends and i was like i mean i don't, but I'll just watch you guys go into the basement, dude. All I see is just power tools hanging up on the walls and then three lawn chairs, dude. I see a dude with no hair, tattoos covering his whole body. And then like a woman who looked like a nurturing mother. And I was just like, dude, what is going on right now?

You know, I was kind of like, oh, are these like your parents or whatever? And like, no, no, these are just my friends. Uh-huh. Watched them get high, dude, and say crazy shit. And I had a Starbucks coffee with me, dude, and I'm holding it, and I'm literally going like I'm shaking, dude. Dude, it's like hills have eyes or something. Yeah, and she was like, you don't have to be scared.

And I was just like, dude, what is happening right now? up going upstairs man and uh found out yeah she was a manic uh bipolar a whole nine yards man had like adhd she was bipolar uh manic she just like ran down the list the add is not the most troubling yeah on that list yeah i know but in conjunction with the others yeah was she just like was her life falling apart was she just was it like it sounds like a satanic cult like they're gonna sacrifice you or something i wish they did man it was one of those moments in my life i don't know if you ever had one of these where you're just like you should run right now and just don't turn back some people don't have those moments dude but this was one of them i remember being in the basement being, you should run right now and just don't turn back. Some people don't have those moments, dude, but this was one of them. I remember being in the basement and being like, dude, just run right now.

Like, sprint up the stairs. Nobody's going to catch you, dude. You're a fucking athlete, bro. Like, get that knee drive going. Like, just dip, man. But I just, like, kind of felt bad. I was like, damn, this chick's actually mentally ill, you know? But have you ever seen that movie Split?

I know the plot. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it was like. Yeah. I remember being on the couch with her dude. She told me she watched, she like watches the show every night and she's seen it like 20 times.

She's watched the same show. Was it like Good Will Hunting or something? I think it was The Office. Oh, okay. So I was kind of like, oh, that's kind of sick, honestly. That's the least mentally ill thing about her. You smash? No, man.

That's why I stayed. Honestly, not because of the mentally ill thing. I was kind of like, dude, you might get a blowjob. You can stay. Yeah, dude. Your dick can lead you into the daylight just on the 0. like 0.1 chance yeah yeah especially mentally ill pussy dude yeah that's a whole different level basement pussy oh my skinhead friend yeah launch dude dude you know could've been fun done a little role play yeah you know they're like threatening to

kill me and she like saves me or whatever yeah or maybe i just fight them off i can't fight them with the power tools that's yeah it's gone man that's why they're there on the first scene dude if she was like you have to fight these two fucking friends to get this pussy with a fucking power drill and a hammer like the other dude gets to use the tools and i have to use my bare hands that would make the pussy that much better oh my god when you actually got it well worth it dude it's like mario saving the princess yeah yeah um she did this thing man though that really scared me and i don't really get scared that easily man especially with

like mentally ill people because i feel like it's so like common and i'm just like not surprised anymore but she did this thing bro where we were on the couch probably this far away and i kind of created like a little barrier because i was like scared or whatever. Pillows and shit? Yeah. Like quilts or something. Just like enough to like feel safe. You know what I mean? And like we're watching The Office, dude. And she was like, you're really handsome and you have nice eyes.

And I was like, wow, thank you. And then, dude, I think it was like 10 minutes later, she just like jolted at me, dude. And started yelling at me. And I was like, yo, this is wild. Like it was exactly like that movie Split, dude. She's like a rescue dog. Yeah and i was like yo this is wild like it was it was exactly like that movie split dude yeah she's like a rescue dog yeah i was like who is yeah yeah who the fuck are you what was she yelling uh she was calling me a dick you know just like she was like why don't you like ask me more questions but she was like screaming it and like uh definitely taking out some trauma man yeah

and i was like why am i hard right now dude yeah you know i mean it's pretty hot why am i still here dude yeah what time did you leave 10 30 p.m 10 30 p.m yeah that's not crazy i felt like it was respectful it's a reasonable time to leave you know it was crazy too dude when i said i was gonna go uh she was like fine with it she was was like. That was, I was afraid she was going to be like, she was like mad at you not asking questions. You bouncing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bouncing dry. Yeah, man.

I did, you know. And then she was like, you should come to yoga tomorrow. And I was like, I'll be there. So you started going to great clips after that. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. It was, it sucked, man.

Because that was a good super cuts too dude like it was one of the good ones yeah and it's hard to find that you know right because that yeah it's like whatever maybe it's 25 now but like when you can find someone who can do the haircut for that cheap you're like i'll go here every month man good haircut it's expensive especially that experience before you go in super cuts where you're like dude this could be it you know what i mean like this could be life or death yeah you don't know what's gonna happen when you go in there dude truly yeah literally it's like going to war dude. You know what I mean? Like, this could be life or death. Yeah. You don't know what's going to happen when you go in there, dude. Truly, yeah.

Literally, it's like going to war, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just like in a drop zone. Yeah. Your heart's racing. Have you ever been to Supercuts or no? Yeah, I used to do Supercuts on the road.

For real? Yeah. I used to do cheap haircuts. Yeah. My hair is like, I'm happy with it. I can get a cheap cut and it looks okay. Yeah. Now I go to a dude named Alberto.

Oh, yeah. Persons of interest in Brooklyn. The guy knows his shit really well. For real? Yeah, he's great. Now I go to a dude named Alberto at Persons of Interest in Brooklyn. The guy knows this shit really well. For real? Yeah, he's great. You've created like a relationship with him? He knows my hair, man. I'll send him a shot on Instagram.

I'll be like, hey, is this a good haircut? He's like, yeah, you can probably do that. Yeah. Yeah. That's what everyone, I mean, that's what I'm looking for, man. My boy, he went to Supercuts, met a dude there who like knew his hair. That's Alberto, yeah.to yeah transitioned into a woman and he followed her into the depths dude she like went to like another place jacked up the price he followed her man and in the midst of avalon i feel like a woman can charge more that's one of the few

like gender inequities that benefits i think that's why she left yeah you know reestablish like i want you to become a woman and just charge more right and then maybe she'll go back i don't know you know it's good yeah that's cool i'm happy for all of them yeah yeah so you can get more out of that you know probably cost more now being a woman and stuff yeah are you good like are you like a bad are you bad at reading people can you not see crazy coming on or? I've, uh, I don't know, man. That kind of makes me want to cry, dude. Honestly, I feel like I'm pretty good at reading people like in general. Sure.

I can, the one story I have about you is you not kind of not seeing past that one. I like to think I'm like emotionally intelligent, man. Like I can see, I can like foreshadow shit, you know, be like, this guy's never going to talk to me again or this girl's going to like break my heart or something like that. Usually pretty good with that stuff. But as far as, like, mentally ill women go, I'm just not. I'm, like, 0 for 4, man. Oh, yeah?

I met a woman who fucking had emergency brain surgery once on a date. Left. Had to have emergency brain surgery, bro. Didn't hear from her for a month. That happened, man. Wow. I met a one chick who sent me a video of her crying in a savers parking lot dude found out she was bipolar a lot of bipolar chicks man dude you're

like a bipolar magnet i know dude yeah i don't know what it is man um i'm kind of like a i don't know you just you're relaxed and easygoing. You have a calming vibe. You think they think in their head like they can be themselves around me? You bring peace. Yeah. You bring comfort to it. You're solid ground in stormy seas.

Yeah. You actually get tatted up, dude. You get a little crazy looking? No, I just got like bipolar pussy on my back or something, dude. On your neck dude yeah for i don't know yeah yeah yeah yeah because they have to see it yeah yeah um but yeah you're like a really smart dude man you know it's pretty awesome dude because like uh i talk about this a lot man you never really meet a dude who's like super intelligent and like super immature

you know what i mean and i'm not saying you're immature but you can like you can hang with the boys in terms of like talking about tits and shit yeah which is pretty cool man yeah you don't really see that a lot i appreciate that yeah i don't want to be like a drag or anything you think that's like a part of being intelligent it's like being able to like cross like sides nah i think there's different kinds of intelligent if you mean just intelligent in terms of like pure analytic ability of like someone who's like you know does a lot of math and science yeah those people i do think there is typically a trade-off that you tend to be worse with people um worse at reading emotions

and kind of less invested in other people's emotions yeah well. Well, no, I take that last one back. You're worse at reading people's emotions. It's not that you don't care about people. Sometimes you just have less ability. You know, I feel like there's kind of a trade-off in people, like from one to the other. So, and then some people are just totally normal and also happen to be smart.

I went to college with like a lot of smart people and some of them were really weird and really bookish and then some of them were just really fun people. All a little odd. Yeah. yeah yeah but in fun ways yeah man because like the only way is the only way to measure intelligence like an iq test that's really it no i i think that's you i mean emotional intelligence social intelligence analytic intelligence like in math reading how do you measure the others though you can't i don't think there's a way to like fully measure it i don't think you can measure a person i don't think you can describe

a number to someone certainly you can see that someone is more likely to perform certain ways in certain categories but yeah yeah you are you you consider yourself a smart guy to i would say i'm like borderline retarded oh really like i think if i took an sat right now i think there would be like a blackout yeah yeah you just hit a wall but that's just one measure yeah yeah but like you're a really funny guy and you're a really charming guy and you've clearly figured a lot out so like clearly there's different kinds of smart if sat being yourself is smart yeah yeah well so many smart people i mean i've seen you ever seen like a smart person try to do, like one of your smart friends try to do comedy and they're fucking terrible? Yeah.

Yeah. Or act. Doesn't that feel good? Yeah, a lot of that has to do with like, some people think in order to be good at comedy, you have to like experience failure, which isn't really true. I think in order to tell stories you do, but not to be good at comedy. I think in order to tell stories you do but not to be good at comedy you mean you need to have experiences of failure to pull

from to share with the crowd yeah I would disagree I would think that it is very helpful to have vulnerability and shortcomings that you share with other people I think that always is going to make for better comedy I would say like 99% of comedy or comedians need to share

something that they don't feel good about about themselves going to make for better comedy i would say like 99 of comedy or comedians need to share something that like they don't feel good about about themselves unfortunately man i feel like at the end of the day most people are retarded like if you go to a walmart or something yeah that's all you have to do man to just be like this is this is it like these are your these are your neighbors man like these are the people you're surrounded by so i think people uh can just relate to it more like a heartbreaking story you know yeah but i don't yes but i don't think that has anything to do with like intelligence i think like stupid people and smart people can all experience i think um in a in a really pompous pontificating kind of way i think good art makes you feel less

alone i think that's like kind of what i what i look for i think that's what most people are looking for and it's easier to feel less alone through oftentimes feelings of insufficiency except for rappers for some reason rap is the opposite and they don't know why rappers are like i'm the fucking greatest and i make so much money and we're like hell yeah that feels good too. But comedians want to be like, I'm broke. My dick sucks. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting, man.

I think about it a lot. Yeah, me too. I think just being vulnerable is kind of funny. Like, if you're just like, yeah, you know, I like, I shit my pants. Like, it's fucking funny. I did. I shit my pants at Machu Picchu. For real? For real.

Where's that? It's like one of the wonders of the world. It's in Peru. Really? You know Machu Picchu? How many wonders of the world are there, dude? Seven or eight or something. Fuck yeah, man.

It's like the pyramids in Machu Picchu. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. And I walked in and they made this whole thing where like, once you walk in, we've been hiking for like three or four days and we're eating all this food out of like our backpacks and apparently it wasn't any good. And I have diarrhea. We woke up at like 1am and I had diarrhea all morning and there was like no, um, no

toilet. There's just like a hole in the ground. You just like lean back and it was just like real you shit your pants in a hole no no i was shitting in the hole all morning i probably shit on my pants because it was like not a good way to shit in general and just like you know people watching or no no no no there's like japanese toilets where you just like get low over like on the ground you have good squat form ass to grass no man i i think i do but i have like knee issues i have real bad back i tried to be a good squat are you a good squat guy no dude i got like bunk uh it's called like butt wink yeah it tilts under at the end i wish i could squat squatting

so like fucking manly and like athletic yeah sometimes i just want to go to asia man and just like see what's good yeah oh because they're all that they shit so low and they all have great form i think it's like a requirement man you have to go ass to grass yeah you think they're you think they're just like better built for it you think they just like it's conditioned i've seen it i had an asian friend man he could do it like it was like fucking drop nothing he just drop right down dude dude that's why they were like that's why rice was their thing right because they could just do that i guess man that's probably super racist though dude no it makes sense yeah just like that's they like evolved to like be like super low to the ground there's so many myths dude about like asians and shit that have spread yeah i've just like do women uh do jewish women even shave the uh the roast beef or no oh i assume

they do really i wouldn't super no that's another myth that i heard i heard they just fucking rock full bush dude i think that's no i think that's more like a generational i feel like yeah you can't really say that's like millennial gen z like millennial because you got to take after like your predecessors dude you know what i mean yeah so maybe they like maybe they saw something in like anne frank's journal yeah about her full bush and they were like we need to fucking follow in her footsteps dude that's all it is man yeah never forget yeah one of my uh i grew up with a lot of jewish friends man they were like yeah man you know like in rhode island yeah a lot of like like traditional Jewish chicks that they would hook up

with man straight up full bush dude you'd have to go to fucking Home Depot to trim that shit down dude no joke we're hairy people I met we're desert people like red east eastern European I'm like from the desert originally I think it's just like a lot of like cold and sandy places yeah many places we just needed hair to protect i have like hairy shoulders yeah yeah i never used to have hairy shoulders man but as of recently i've been growing some shit in yeah and i don't know how to feel about it 28 man you're gonna start it's gonna keep coming you used to shave your chest at all or you always shave my chest a little bit i keep it trimmed little manscape type shit yeah yeah yeah and i like i like shave like where my pecs end i shave

it so my pecs look more defined oh shit And then I shave the sides of my abs, but not the middle. And I keep like, I have like the line down the middle and I kind of keep that. Cause it kind of looks like the middle line of my abs. A little V for Vendetta, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Get a little split. Cause I don't have like a natural split in my abs. I just let the hair kind of like pretend it's the line there. Yeah. And then I shave my upper arms. I get them like hairy all the way up.

Yeah. And then over my back a little bit. What, uh, what type blade are you using? Like what level, level like like a three blade or something oh i mean yeah like uh like a low clipper so i'll use all like the one blade is a good one but that one's kind of like sure dude it it's good better for the face uh the balls trimmer are you sponsored by anyone no okay well you're talking about manscaped Balls is a good one for body. And that one can shave you pretty clean.

Yeah. Like I did that up here. If you can see that, it's like barely stubbly. I did that with like the bear razor, no clipper on it. But then like if I'm doing my chest, I'll put like a guard on it, like a thin guard. Yeah. Yeah. And just leave like that much hair there.

It's an art form, man. It's, yeah. Yeah, like shaving your chest dude dude i think the gold standard is remember ryan reynolds in that one picture black and white men's health where he had chest hair but he still looks so fucking jack i think i got that on my wall dude yeah that's like the best one but the craziest one is dude zach efron and baywatch which as a jew so proud of him for going natural chest hair in that movie. Everyone else was shaved, but he was like, I'm going to change everything. I guess he was maybe paying homage to, what's his name?

Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff, yeah. Yeah, and he was like, I'm going to go. But he was still shredded obliques and six-pack abs and striate. You could see all three all three packs and he had chest hair on top of that that is so impressive yeah but he's got to be on something dude i think naturally like genetically that dude's gifted like i remember high school musical man talk about hairy pussy dude that uh vanessa hudgens bro i haven't seen it dude when that uh i don't know how old you

were when uh high school musical came out like if you were at an age where you could watch it without getting arrested. I was above that age. I feel like I was already in college when that came out. I'm Zach Efron's age. I think you would have gotten arrested, though. I'm saying you would have been fully erect watching it. It was an emotional, man. But after that, dude, I was so emotionally invested in that musical, dude.

And then afterwards, a lot of people my age might know this, but Vanessa Hudgens, dude, nudes got leaked, bro. Full bush. I like that. Yeah. Are you a fan of that? It was one of the best days of my life, dude. Yeah. That was on my phone for like five years, dude.

Is that your favorite, wow, I can't believe believe this celebrity i got to see this celebrity naked it was like honestly man top 10 like best days of my life yeah it was especially at that age dude uh-huh seen a full bush like that on somebody that you respect probably like fucking 13 dude oh that's pretty awesome yeah that's pretty great it was at an age where you're like dude this is you know when i was 13 there wasn't you couldn't even find like naked women on the internet as much you'd have to go we had like mr skin but like okay if a movie came out i'm 36 this is how much time to change yeah like we went to see titanic in theaters when i was what eight years old because there were boobs in it that was why

you went and saw because it was pg-13 but it had boobs in it which was like a crazy loophole no one ever talks about the success of titanic was so heavily due to the fact that like dudes under 18 could see boobs. Yeah. Without their parents' permission. That was, yeah. Honestly, man, like that's right next to High School Musical, I think. Favorite tits in a movie? Probably a Titanic, dude.

Yeah. Because I remember that was one of the first times I saw tits too in a movie, you know? Yeah. I can't really remember another movie where you see tits and you're like smart road trip all-timer is that a porno no road trip yeah no it's got like stifler and critically uh claimed film it yeah in my heart yeah it was like it's like american pie remember like those american pie type movies it was like raunchy college comedy. It was that. There was another one with Stiller where he was on vacation with a chick. There was tits in that.

Role models? No, dude. Stifler or Stiller? He falls in love with another woman on vacation with his wife. No, I'm sorry. Stifler. I'm not Ben Stiller. Stifler. Stifler from American not ben stiller stifler stifler

from american pie oh all right you know i'm talking about sean astin still don't know but i know who you're talking about okay that was very different dude sorry not been stiller so these were like um it's breckin meyers tom green was in road trip yeah um oh guy name uh whatever uh yeah was it comedy though yeah you would have loved these this these movies would have been so your speed especially like when you were growing up just like raunchy like dude is in college and he um he like he has a girlfriend but he ends up like hooking up with another girl and yeah uh like films it and accidentally sends the sex tape to his girlfriend so you have to drive across the country to get there before the tape gets there. So these are like feel-good comedies? They're fun, man. It was very formative for me.

Did you watch American Pie? I saw a few of them, yeah. Yeah. There's like six, though, right? There's one in my heart. Yeah. The other ones are like Land Before Time or like We Didn't Need Those. Yeah.

Yeah, man. The movie tits were, I guess they were still kind of a big deal for you, though. I'm really trying to think of like a movie where I saw tits in The Mummy, dude. Rachel Weisz or something there was a move i think there was a mummy movie where some chick got her tits chopped off oh okay and that was i mean that wasn't like a great moment for me but i do remember that yeah that sounds like a that sounds like a bummer yeah some dude just like chopped her tits off i was like what are you doing dude yeah you can't do that man i wonder if it was, that probably wasn't real. It was one of the mummies, the shittier ones. But yeah, man, I remember seeing tits in the Titanic.

And that was kind of beautiful, man. Because there's like a, like an emotional scene. Like when he's playing, like a. Yeah. You know. Fucking violins and stuff. Now there's like, I feel like lately, like women have been like too naked in movies. Like I was really excited that Emma Stone was naked.

And she was yeah and what's it called uh poor things okay then she was like naked the whole movie she was naked for like half the movie like you get like used to it you send that to me afterwards yeah yeah and then uh the substance apparently megan qualley who's pretty smoking hot uh is naked in that and like i haven't seen it yet but i've watched i've looked up the naked scenes from it yeah um and my fiancee saw it she was like she was just like naked the whole time like good for her but like it used to be like a shameful thing if an actress was like naked movie like oh her career must be going shit she's gonna be booked after like sharon stone like almost ruined her career um well dude uh valley berry never bounced back from showing boobs

yeah a lot of them don't bounce back, man. I wonder what they throw at them, though, like the money that they put. Crazy money. Crazy money. I feel like they might have been fine after. It was Swordfish, though, and I saw that in theaters. Dude, straight up, 13 years old, MTV Movie Awards. It was Hugh Jackman and John Travolta and Halle Berry went out and gave an award, and they go, and by the way, this Friday you can see the movie Swordfish and her tits.

She goes, yeah. That was how they advertised movies. Oh, shit. You missed a great era. I feel like you would have thrived in this era. Just like bro culture was like so mainstream. I would have been spanking nonstop. I mean, nothing would have changed, man, honestly.

But no internet porn, though. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it would have been better. It would have been more like passionate spank. Yeah. A more artistic and an a changed, man, honestly. But no internet porn, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so maybe it would have been better. It would have been more like passionate spank. Yeah, more artistic and auteur, if you will. It might have led me down, like, a different path. Could have been.

Haven't, like, I'm not, if your generation grew up with, like, so much access to porn, it's not good. I didn't start looking at porn until, like, late in high school. And I still, like, wasn't looking at, like, crazy stuff, you know. I was looking at, like, JPEGs and stuff. Yeah, I grew up, the boys I grew up with. Dude, we were shooting blanks. Yeah, just day after day. Just nonstop, dude.

What's the most you've done in a day? Probably when I was younger, like when I first found out about it. Dude, I was jerking off. Probably like six, dude. Six? Once I did three times in a row. Wow. Like back to back to back, but I don't think I did six in a day.

Why, dude? Just to see if I could. Really? Just for the challenge? Yeah. That makes sense, man. Yeah. I think.

On the family computer. Yeah. On the solo family dial-up computer. Yeah. You have the dial-up computer? Would you type in just like the JJ? I do Google search. Okay. What was like your go-to search though oh man um i'd look for celebrities like a lot of celebrities oh there was some like celebrity

site where you could actually go through and find all of them and i really dug again you'll lose this this will be lost in shannon elizabeth from the first american pie movie was one of my first okay yeah that was a great one she did she was great yeah there was uh you ever seen that movie she's out of my league with uh jay baruchel yeah and uh i haven't seen it tj miller yeah he's in it yeah great actor that blonde chick who's in the movie who's got her name eve alice eve i think yeah if you want to see tits man just look like after this like on the way home just look up alice eve tits okay there's a video of her like in some like shitty movie but she's got tits out in like a motel bed dude nice you could open up like a full-on fucking milk company with those things dude it's crazy bro just you're like craziest tits i've ever seen you're like big

yeah they're like big though and like soft and like perky dude so that's crazy, bro. Craziest tits I've ever seen. Do you like big? Yeah, they're like big, though, and like soft and like perky, dude. That's rare. You're just like, this can't be real. Are they real? I think so, yeah, dude. Okay. You can kind of tell. She's a beautiful woman, too, dude. After I saw that, I watched like all of her late night interviews and shit. That's nice. And were you more invested

in the interview because you had seen her naked? Yeah, I was jerking off to the interview, dude. Yeah. I wish you so much success that you end up like meeting all these people you're like just as honest with them as you are with me like like actresses come up you're like i want to confront you on these things these things you said about but you're like i'll say them again you have great tits and i'm gonna to go jerk off to them. Yeah. Or even just having the ability to be like, I used to spank to you. Mm-hmm. Like, not even sexually, just like on the Tonight Show.

Yeah. I'd probably say that, dude, if I had like a few beers in me. Yeah. Probably wouldn't go well, but like. No. You know. Could be charming. I don't know, man.

You got that. Yeah. You got that charm, dude. Probably have to find the right time to say it. Are you trying to spank less now? I'm not like a big spanker. Like, I look like a big spanker, but I'm sp big spanker but i'm spanking like emotional shit man like i'm an emotional guy i spanked like a lot of uh i'm always jerking off to like past experiences with women for sure maybe like a

little fall day type set you know like yeah apple picking experiences i've had with chicks you know you ever spanked it to a book? I've never done that, dude. I don't even know how to read. I could jerk off on a book, though. Yeah? Yeah. Just glue those pages together?

You're talking about simultaneously reading? No. Or jerking off to something you read? Jerking off to something you read. Okay. One time I read when I was like, because when you're a teenager, you're just so horny, you want to jerk off all the time. Like, anything sets it off. But I was reading, I think it was Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, the guy who wrote Fight Club.

And he was at a party where everyone was naked, and he just described a naked girl and her butt. And I'm like, I had to put the book down. I'm like, take care of this. Yeah. I think I jerked off to Harry Potter after I read it. Yeah? Because I was just thinking about Hermione and shit. I might have jerked off to those Eragon books, too.

Yeah? The ones with the dragons for some reason. I watched the movie with John Malkovich. I don't even think I read the book. I think I just jerked off

to the cover, dude, because it was, like, sparkly and shit. Wow, you can, like, jerk off to, like, auras and essences, huh? Yeah, dude, it's all about that feeling, man,

that, like, universal sound type shit. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You've used music? No, dude, that's, uh... I fucking laugh, dude, if I'm listening to music. Mm-hmm. I have a buddy who got a? No, dude. That's a, I fucking laugh,

dude. If I'm listening to music, I have a buddy who got a blow job, dude. He was listening to a Bruce Springsteen when he got a blow job. And I was like, dude, if that was me,

I would like, I'd probably rip ass from like, from like laughing. Get a hernia from trying to hold it in. Intestines pop through your mouth on the wall. Cause that's a jam, dude. Yeah.

I wonder which Bruce Springsteen song. Yeah. Born to come yeah because dude there's got like what song could you actually listen to without like laughing i don't laugh a lot oh while you're getting a blow job i'm like super sentimental about about music so i feel like i would be like if there was music in the pace and the time i have that has happened to me i'm like oh look at these two things that i love experiencing them both at the same time it's so synergistic yeah yeah wow because like i know uh i've tried listening to music before having sex and all i was thinking about was like the next song you know like unless you have a playlist it's kind of like risky you know what i mean yeah i used to do that because like dude if you're plowing a chick from like behind and like rock you like a hurricane comes on by the scorpions

i'm gonna laugh at that yeah that i'll laugh at that i'm gonna chuckle to keep going after that it's insane bro yeah you know what i mean yeah you can't be fucking chicks to like dancing queen you know what i mean yeah i don't fuck that's that's a tough ass too man to have a playlist where you're like yo this is these are bangers i did that i had that in college really i had a sex i found my sex playlist from college the other day on my what'd you have on there dude um let's get it on by marvin gaye it's a good song man yeah it is a good song a little cheesy i can't remember what else maybe some i can't remember do you have success with it? Like, was the chick afterwards like, wow, that was like. I had a girlfriend, so I used it for that. And yeah, I'm sure if she had feelings about it, she was polite enough to not say them.

Yeah. Yeah. But now I don't, now we don't have any music planned in case someone has to hop back on a work call, you know. Just dead silence, man. Sure. It's pretty sick. Yeah. I think that's like one of my goals, man, is, like, have sex with, like, all the lights on.

Mm-hmm. Just, like, complete silence. Just kind of see what happens. I might laugh, honestly, but, like, dude, I just feel like it's, like, a challenge. What's the longest relationship you've been in? For, like, 13 months. Okay. Like, high school into college.

I think in a long-term relationship, that isn't the weirdest thing. Yeah. With the lights on and no sound. But you can be like, in a long-term relationship, like past two, three years, you're just like, we have four minutes, let's just go, go, go. Really? Yeah. Which is nice.

It's nice in its own way. You're on a mission. You feel like you're finding ways to spice it up a little bit? Don't need that yet. Yeah. Yeah. But but no not not super i do think um i've been trying to spank it less because i know i noticed when i do it makes that the the the sex not as good my hair i'm even even when i'm trying to like maybe when i'm like traveling and i have nothing else to do i'll do it especially with like porn i'm trying to like less porn less spanking it especially especially i'm home no reason to spank it while Even when I'm traveling and I have nothing else to do, I'll do it. Especially with porn.

Less porn, less spanking it. Especially when I'm home. No reason to spank it while I'm home. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I respect that, man. I've never gone down that path, but I've seen some dudes really change their life. By cutting out porn?

Nofap? Yeah, they do the Nofap November or whatever. I just don't want to get hard in public at like a fucking jd bywriter you know what i mean uh-huh just renting a car dude just fucking hard as a rock my uh my therapist is a super chill guy and i've told him about a lot of stuff i was addicted to nicotine i told him i was doing ketamine i've told him a lot of stuff i do and he's all he was very like oh yeah tell me more about that and then one day i was like i'm trying to jerk off less because i'm you know looking at porn a lot he goes don't look at porn it's like the first time he ever told me anything i was like oh yeah so i should look at less he's like never look at porn wow it's very

bad for you if you want to jerk off jerk off but use your brain and think of whatever you want to think of but don't use pictures yeah don't use videos just use your brain and jerk off still jerk off so you can get rid of the boners but yeah yeah i was like that must be serious porn must be pretty seriously bad you're just using your thoughts it's not as bad no oh shit no what is it about porn that's like so bad though i don't think we're supposed to see that many women naked i think seeing women naked should be like a quest it's like a thing you earn in life really i mean back in the day weren't chicks just walking around like tits out and shit i feel like for like a couple thousand years it's been like tribal right and you're like you

you like if you want to see a girl naked you gotta like go to the fire yeah you gotta win go to the fire dude and lay low dude oh seeing puss like i feel like a lot of dudes would see pussy at a fire back then yeah because like most chicks are just free balling it so oh you mean like on the girl like creeper way i meant like like earning pussy oh no i just mean like pretend like you dropped like your fucking soup or something oh right take a take a fucking yeah trip down like this yeah full bush lane dude yeah like those creepy pictures of like britney spears like getting that get in the position to like yeah i'm talking about like the year one though okay yeah i don't know maybe maybe that far back it was just like around but yeah maybe

i don't know i feel like you're just supposed to if you if you look at too much porn you're like you'd start to think that's a regular thing and it's not like a regular thing. It's like a special thing. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know the psychology, but there's like books about it. Would you ever give up porn? I want to, dude, but I just feel like I'd end up fucking, just fucking like a pair of

chicken breasts at the supermarket, dude. You get depraved. Yeah. Yeah. I would just get way too horny, dude. You know, I'm spending a lot of time at like supermarkets and places where like I can't be getting hard. You know what I mean?

Right. And I get hard over like somebody holding the door for me and shit. So it's like, I don't want to, you know, I'm wearing Walmart sweatpants. I can't be fucking. You're wearing sweats. Wear tighter pants. Yeah. I wear skinny jeans.

It's hard to get interaction. Can't do that, man. No? I will say though, dude, I bought a pair of skinny jeans once when I wear skinny jeans. It's hard to get interaction. Can't do that, man. No? I will say, though, dude, I bought a pair of skinny jeans once when I was in college. I lost a lot of weight, and I actually ended up hooking up with this chick, man. So shout out to skinny jeans, man. Nice. Like FlexFit type shit.

Levi's? I was so uncomfortable, man. It was just like Target brand, like tight jeans, jeans bro and i was wearing like a tight hawaiian shirt i remember being high and drunk hooked up with this chick in like a honda accord nice it was wild man i was fucking yeah it was wild dude you think that you think the jeans did it you think she saw the skinny jeans i think so man i think it was something about tight clothes like virility really she was like a solid five man but what's your body count probably like a little over 10 maybe really i think if i'm over 10 like i'm crushing it probably like around there i would say yeah yeah man 10 yeah you still horny now as you

were like 18 you seem like a horny dude i mean it depends if i'm working out and eating right dude game over truly i don't know what it is man maybe it's just testosterone or some shit right are you sleeping enough oh dude i used to jerk off in the morning bro really yeah because i would go to the gym come back to my apartment and shower and just like all those tits that i saw like the workout i got in i'd probably eat like a banana afterwards, man. I'd just be like, yo, I am bricked up right now, dude. That's dope.

I'm ready for war, dude. It's that testosterone. You work out in the morning? Yeah. That's, that's. When you're seeing titties out there, dude. Yeah, it's been a while. It's a lot about seeing a chick doing like kettlebell swings that early in the morning, dude.

It's like. You know? I swim with the YMCA, so it's like old people sometimes. You swim with the Y? Yeah, I switched gyms, but I used to swim with the ymca so it's like old people sometimes you swim with the y yeah i've switched gyms but i used to swim with the y now i swim the only the people who's a lot of people who swim are like old people like doing it just like because they can't do anything else so it's not like yeah it's not that kind of i don't even know they had ymca's around here dude oh yeah new york they got like they're all yeah they're pretty cool it's like old jewish guys and young

young black black kids and you You doing like laps and shit? Yeah. I go back and forth. I put on fins and flippers and yeah. For real? I go back and forth and like hold my breath. You put on fucking fins? Uh-huh.

They make you super fast. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. Nobody says anything? No. You're just like a fucking merman, dude. Dude, yeah. That's sick.

And I'm like a lot faster. What do you do if someone gets in your way, dude? Just go right through them? I can swim under them. For real? Yeah. Shit. Yeah, fins are great. You're'm like a lot faster. What do you do if someone gets in your way, dude? Just go right through them? I can swim under them. For real? Yeah. Shit. Yeah, fins are great.

You're like a little torpedo underwater. You think you're kind of showing off a little bit? You think people are like... I'm putting on a show for everyone. Yeah, I spent like 20 years swimming. They know what's good once you get there? Yeah. Yeah, I'm a peacock.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a water peacock. That must make you feel good, man, knowing that people look up to you there. It does. I remember 20 years and something like that. I try to act when someone, you every day, you're like, you're out there, like, trying. You're like, you know, you don't need anyone to see. But last week, some guy was like, you have really good form.

I was like, oh, you know, man, I'm just like trying. Oh, dude. If I saw you at the Y with fins, dudeding it i'd be so jealous man i'd legit be jealous some fins i know but dude i'm not that good at swimming you're saying you've been swimming for 20 years dude you're probably out there fucking swimming like fucking hassle off dude yeah i can swim i can swim but the fins make everyone good i love fins i'm a big fan yeah if you can't know how to use them wear fins and then you'll learn how to swim yeah i'm not a good swimmer dude no even with the, I don't think I'm not really buoyant, man. You know, like it's not

natural. Something's like not a natural thing. Yeah. It's like, you shouldn't be doing it. It's fucking sick though, dude. It looks so hard. Yeah. It's, it's painful, you know, and wet and like the chlorine's all gross. I remember I used to go to the Y dude and they had a pool and I was like, you know what, man? Like, uh, I was at a point in my life where I was really working out a lot, and I was trying to switch it up, dude. I got some goggles and shit. And I went to the Y, man, and I just tried doing laps, bro, and I literally made it maybe 50 feet. And I was like, dude, I'm going to have a fucking heart attack right now. Yeah, it's really hard.

It's crazy. Because you don't get to breathe. Yeah. Yeah. You got to time it right and shit. I did go to a—oh, yeah, i saw a men's swim meet once in high school dude holy shit yeah yeah yeah like they're they were like impressive because you were a speedo a lot of these dudes were in like my english class man yeah i didn't really talk to them much

seeing them up close with just a speedo on it's a little weird it really changed me as a man dude because it's like impossible not to look down yeah you know what i mean i'm i've been around swimming so much that i don't look at people's junk like i'm not when you first started though when i first started putting on a like a swimsuit was so embarrassing yeah now i feel i feel more naked in underwear than a speedo and a speedo i feel very comfortable holy shit yeah you like fucking flick it a little bit or like play with it before you go out there okay i want it smaller out of the way so i can swim faster yeah or you're just hard right away yeah i'd be terrible that's terrible really i'd be it'd be so rude walking around wouldn't that make you faster dude no it'd be in the way it increases your uh aerodynamic profile yeah it's true yeah you

want like a small squeezed in dick and balls like a quarter chub though dude if it's at like the right angle that might be able to fucking yeah if you want to show off yeah yeah yeah but mine's so tight that it's like there's not even blood's not even getting it i wear like a super tight uh that's high dude it's also made i made the i get the non-stretching material the the polyester uh water polo one because it wears out slower and that one's just so compressive that i don't think i'm not packing much to begin with so yeah yeah dude when i uh when i wear like compression shorts i actually feel more chubbed up than if i wore like regular boxers oh because all the skin's pressed against all the skin yeah maybe do you wear boxers i wear

like the uh flex fit type uh they're like compressed to my my balls and shit if i wear regular boxers dude i'll cause a fucking flash flood yeah sweat sweat or just like sweat and like trauma and shit you know what i mean dude i used to wear boxers and i switched to the boxer briefs like the dumbest invention ever dude it's terrible just jingle jangling around like keys and in cargo pants yeah it's terrible i hate that feeling balls just back and forth like a like a pinball machine the worst man chafing is like one of the worst things ever it's terrible i used to live in texas you get like a rash on your thigh you got to cancel plans i'm a big like underwear guy like i'm really into like the uh the shit that's like compressed against you it's

hard to find the right type of shit like way low you like the ones that go like that's what i'm looking for dude but they always kind of like ride up and it looks like i have a straight up vajayjay dude yeah right it picks one side or the other yeah yeah it's just like a daily struggle man but yeah yeah dude i used to wear this underwear that would like ride up and i was in a group chat with some of my boys and uh you ever send like a pussy pic to your boys you ever do the good old like puss like the pull through oh oh oh you're talking about like like silence of the lambs like buffalo bill tuck back yeah yeah you've done it i've never done it dude you got to do it man no we used to show our testicle to people and go i got gum stuck on my on my shorts that was our fun move you got to do the pull through man yeah i'm telling you

man it's life-changing you got to do it once you get out of the shower, though, dude. Just pull it through. Dude, it looks exactly like a pussy. Yeah. I sent it to the group chat, man. Dude, people were like legit pissed off. I'm on their side a little bit. Yeah. That's a hard one to get. These are dudes that are like pretty chill and they were like, you can't be doing that, dude.

But I think they were upset about how much it looked like a pussy uh-huh you know what i mean yeah i got an upsetting text from uh my my best friend is uh in a film production in which he is showing his penis but they don't use a real penis they use a fake penis and they do this with a lot of film yeah because film because of continuity. Continuity. Oftentimes when you see a penis in a movie, it's not the real penis because a penis can go fucking. Two minutes later, it could be three times as big or three times as small. So for continuity, if they're shooting it from different angles, just get a fake penis that stays the same size, whether it's big or small.

So like shower scenes in movies, it's all like fake cocks? Apparently a lot of fake cocks if you're seeing a dick like you know from a couple different angles yeah um apparently it's pretty common and um my friend sent me a picture of the of the penis he was wearing and it just it really disturbed me it looked legit though yeah wow yeah how big was it dude like uh medium small okay but it was soft so it's like yeah i don't judge a small dick too much. Yeah. Yeah. Unless it's big.

You're like, what the fuck? That's so gay, dude. Like when you were younger, when dudes were like, oh. I'm a grower, not a shower. Yeah. Well, no, it's like, you got to respect the growers, man. Yeah. You can't be looking at a flaccid cock. No.

Like if I'm doing hip thrusts at the gym, you can't judge me, dude. No. Unless I'm fully erect. No. It's unfair. Yeah. It's really not. You don't know. You have no idea. There's no's it's unfair yeah it's it's really not you don't know no idea there's no correlation yeah you have no idea what i'm capable of dude i remember um penis size was in a wikipedia uh entry this was probably in 2006 2007 there was a wikipedia page

and talking about penis size and there was one of the sections was uh growing uh you know size versus flaccidity and it said basically grow over a show in very scientific terms or like a penis is uh there there's not a strong correlation between the size of a penis in its flaccid state and in its turgid state uh you could see and there's like a little graph and there was just a picture of a small dick soft and the same dick big hard and it was just one dude who went in there to just like prove to the world that he had a big dick when it was hard it was just one dude who went in there to just like prove to the world that he had a big dick when it was hard it was one dude because wikipedia you added just one dude added all that himself it was just his dick and he wrote it and it was like you could like see his apartment in the

background i swear this is real and it's not there anymore because i think wikipedia is like this isn't journalism you're like yeah source here's my dick yeah yeah you're just trying to show off you're just trying to show people because he had a really small dick when it was soft yeah and he was just tired of women it's like oh man just being like oh that that that little thing and he's like no i swear if you let me get it hard so he showed the world not a bad idea though man not a bad idea uh what was he gonna say dude i had something good oh dude i was looking into uh no homo i was just looking into this recently uh through like chat gpt uh-huh i was like can gay like do gay dudes get hard to women and uh a lot of mixed reviews man a lot of them do and i was like i did not

know that i thought they just couldn't at all yeah a lot of guys were man hmm a lot of them do and i was like i did not know that i thought i talked to couldn't at all yeah a lot of guys were like no i honestly probably wouldn't but some of them were kind of like yeah dude yeah hard as a rock around my girls can i go super no homo for a second yeah i've seen you ever see like gay porn on regular porn sites and it's just like on the side like oh that's gay porn i wasn't i wasn't looking for it and if i was no big deal yeah but i saw gay porn once where the dude was getting boned yeah and he wasn't hard the guy who was getting boned wasn't getting hard and i'm like wouldn't you want to be hard if you're getting boned he's just like making a sacrifice you think i don't know he looked like his face looked like he was having fun but i was like are you gonna be

not turned on by that yeah i thought it was supposed to be like super feel really good yeah yeah it's confusing man it's confusing they gotta do more studies on this shit man yeah and i know some lesbians who watch gay porn men huh and i asked her why i was a lesbian girl and i was like why do you watch gay porn she goes because uh when they come they're definitely not faking it yeah yeah but then i thought about it and i was like i have been hard in situations where i shouldn't be hard for sure you know for sure a lot of like 9-11 moment of silences, you know? Your blood circulation is fantastic.

You're very healthy. You don't need blue shoes or shit. Yeah, you're good. But dude, just think about the amount of times you've been hard and you're just like, dude, what's going on? Dude, I don't get hard anymore though. It's 30s, man. I don't get like randomly hard anymore. If I have a boner, I'm like, I know where it came from.

When I was a teenager, all the time, just sitting in class. Really? Yeah. Maybe you're going to jinx it, man. Cartoons? Maybe something's going to happen, like, in the short run. I miss having boners. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like a man's life is, like, you know, 25 years of getting boners when you don't need them, and the rest of your life is, like, not is like not getting them when you do see man i have a pretty hard take on this i think it's just health people just eating like shit dude yeah i know yeah you're eating pretty well though right i eat pretty well yeah pretty healthy yeah i can i can get it up when i need to but um dude uh vaping not good for your dick i don't think it's good for anything man what's that it's probably not good for anything right yeah you nicotine guy at all no man no good don't start because when i was doing zins it was like it was a choice oh you were addicted i was addicted zins about three years quit stuff shit so you started before the movement i started yeah about

four years ago started in 2000 you were like trying to wean off something else no i'd never done nicotine before just went straight into the zens they're colorful do it like what's uh i was bored and they seemed like it was i heard a lot of people talk about like nicotine was like good for writing and i got i got really addicted i didn't like being that addicted i had no control over it yeah i wanted to quit what did it feel like it's good the addiction oh the addiction was bad i just always wanted it i'd wake up and it was like, how long could I go before I had it? I tried to at least drink my coffee first. This went on for three years?

Three years, yeah. Two and a half years, yeah. How'd you get off it? I just quit one day. It was really hard. I tried to quit many times and I was just walking down the street and I was like shopping for some. The one store didn't have them and I was going to walk to the other. I'm like, this is kind of pathetic.

And I was with my buddy and he was like, I said, man, I really want to quit. And he goes, then just quit. And I go, cool. And then he took a hit of his vape pen because he still smokes but yeah uh it was on 420 and i'm like that's kind of a funny date to quit to stop smoking on that's my birthday man is it really yeah nice that is good dude yeah our birthdays are the same day of the week damn i'm april 6th it's wild bro yeah um but yeah nicotine really bad for your dick makes it smaller and it doesn't get hard easy oh shit yeah yeah zin's like a big thing now man i'm not gonna hop on don't it feels like uh it feels like a regular kind of like a niche type thing that's gonna kind of like die off soon i don't know nicotine's pretty fucking addictive well i mean like uh not die off but people are going to find out

That it's not really great for you Right Because it's kind of hard to I mean like this always happens right historically Like how can something be that Like good You know what I mean Coffee's that good

When coffee hit and one of the people who were like Oh this is just a trend it's going to be unhealthy And it turns out it's not really bad for you it's a good time good time yeah nicotine is pretty addictive but i don't know that zin's actually causing a long-term damage they might make you like you might have a stroke sooner well you just said like when you uh weren't having it like you wanted it you you're not capable of being happy without it because you use it to activate all whatever adrenaline and endorphins or dopamine and uh then you're kind of like deprived without it you can't naturally produce

it and that's it i couldn't i couldn't enjoy myself without it you've ever been addicted uh i was addicted to alcohol probably when i was in college. Uh, but yeah, I didn't really have a hard time like not drinking. You can quit. Yeah. It was pretty easy, but I was definitely like addicted, you know, I broke a fucking window,

dude. That was like 12 feet long. Uh, yeah. I was at a party, dude. Just got hammered, man.

There was like titties everywhere and uh i went to the back and uh the party was on like a golf course well you know there's like houses around golf courses yeah and uh yeah man i went to the back and these dudes were throwing beer bottles at trees and stuff and i kind of got flash but like like flashbacks to my childhood about like egging houses and shit so i started throwing like beer bottles at trees and i was like dude this feels so good and then this kid who would always like egg me on to do shit like grab like a vodka bottle and he was like dude throw this and i was like good idea man and i literally aimed it at like the neighbor's house it's probably like 50 yards away dude and i just held on to the bottle for too long and i threw it

through the house party window oh god yeah dude good aim completely dude that's like a weapon that's like a bomb at that distance well dude it was crazy man because like inside there were subwoofers and stuff like bumping and you just heard the subwoofer turn off and someone was like did you guys hear that and everyone inside was like no man turn the music back on did you pay for it yeah i had to pay for it yeah at my college there was this uh streaking this this every like once a month everyone goes streaking on like the 13th it's like a big deal and you cover your body and uh shaving cream and you run around campus and the thing was you press your butt cheeks against the window and press your

body against the window and leave like shaving cream smears of your your booty yeah um and one dude uh like like any other uh instance of this event one dude was went up to the library historic library at our college and pressed his butt cheeks against it you know it's all quiet inside everyone's studying he's you know and i pressed he was a it was an athlete so he had like like a firm butt and he pressed it against the window too hard and these are 15 foot tall windows oh like two like two floor high windows shattered holy fuck and the school was like okay that's five thousand dollars to replace and ten thousand dollars to get them specially shipped from europe holy charging

fifteen thousand dollars just tacked it on his tuition and it was covered by renter's insurance you think he was gay no really no that would have been hilarious if it was like his boner you could be straight and fuck the window i mean if i was him i would just come out of the closet right then and there yeah i'd be like i'm gay like it was my boner yeah just because like how are they gonna refute that you know what i mean that's true and then it's homophobic to make them pay for it yeah yeah that would work i think that would work today back then probably not yeah they'd probably charge you like twice as much yeah gay tax bro too gay uh but dude it was good to meet you man thanks so much man and uh you have uh when's your special uh my special's coming out December 13th on my YouTube page, Monday Ponday. It's called Hyperbolic.

How many specials is this? This is my first, like, full-length. I did a half hour for Comedy Central, but this is the first time I've done, like, a big, long one for a video. You happy about it? I'm happy with it, man. I think it's funny. I think it's good. It's like all new shit, too?

Some, like, little stuff I've done on, like you know, the don't tell, but like a lot of new stories, a lot of stuff I've never put out before. It's pretty exciting, man. Thanks, man. Especially now that we got YouTube now and shit. Yeah. We can do it ourselves. Have your boys share and shit.

Yeah. You can take all the clips and put all the little parts out too. I'm excited about that. Yeah, man. It's free. So it's just like everyone can see it, man. It's pretty sick. Yeah.

You putting out anything? No, man. Not for like a long time. Yeah. That's a yeah you putting on anything no man not for like a long time yeah but it's a good way to do it i will for sure man definitely in the future and i think that that'll be exciting but um i think it's just cool man everything's like free now so it's like you don't have to like pay like comedy central it's like there's so many good specials but it's like you gotta fucking like you know pay for it and like all that shit but when you do it on there you don't have the freedoms like say everything you want to fucking like, you know, pay for it and like all that shit. But when you do it on there, you don't have the freedoms,

like say everything you want to say. And it has to be like a certain time. And this one I could just do all the jokes I wanted to do and not worry about, you know, meeting some minimum or maximum. Yeah. Yeah. That's sick though, man. Congrats, dude.

Thanks, man. Thanks for having me on, man. You're really funny. It was nice to meet you, dude. For sure, man. And seven years in the making, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

It all started with the vagina joke, chad yeah now now you're the chad i'm gonna knight you yeah i feel like we're just blood brothers now dude yeah dude you know yeah thank you guys for listening thank you uh as always this will be out uh let's be out tomorrow man so fuck yeah thank you dude thank you