The Johnny Salami Podcast - Max Fine

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

Max Fine by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. You're telling me you're out in the woods, dude? I was out in the woods. Oh, we're talking about like Tomorrowland type shit?

I think so. Like Firefly shit. Have you ever seen the Tomorrowland videos? Uh-uh. Oh, my God. What is it? If you want a break from like Pornhub, dude. I don't.

Dude, just try out Tomorrowland. Okay. It's like a little more PG, but it's, dude, it's like, they had one in Germany. It's just like an EDM music festival. Oh. Yeah, those are like titties you'll never see again. That's what Phish was like, dude. There was all kinds of women out there.

I saw boobs hanging out. I saw an asshole. Really? Yeah, dude. It was awesome. I figured it would just be like a bunch of old men. You would think so. And it is when it's indoors.

I think when it's like at MSG, it's just the sweatiest 40-year-old dads. But when you're out at a festival, dude. Once you get the elements involved. Yeah, man. That's when the titties come out, man. They're festival, dude. Once you get the elements involved. Yeah, man. That's when the titties come out, man. They're screaming, dude. It was awesome. Solid grass there.

Grass could have been better. Yeah. It was nice when I was barefoot, but I was definitely like, you know, this wasn't well kept. What did it smell like, dude? Dick. Really? You could see boobs, but you smelled dick yeah um actually it was okay because there's nothing wrong with that man no there's nothing wrong with it but

like after day four i was like i'm ready to get out of this dick smell dude like yeah your fucking eyebrows are burning off my eyebrows my nipples were hurting i was just in a lot of pain yeah i slept on the ground a bunch four days dude yeah that? Yeah. That's a marathon, man. And it's not enough. That you didn't prepare for. No, dude. I thought I was, because I saw fish seven nights last year at MSG. Yeah. And I was like, I can do four days.

There's no problem. Yeah. But I wasn't camping. Like, I was camping all week. Yeah. I was doing the fucking, like. Holy shit, dude. Yeah, dude.

It was, I did stand up there. For real? Yeah. I did stand up at this like this company called groove safe which is all about like consent in the jam band world sounds about right it sounds about right and i was just like i was tripping balls and they're like do you want to do stand up i was like fucking yeah dude i met a lady how many people were we talking maybe like 30 it wasn't a ton but it was it was fine yeah but like this lady came up to me afterwards she was like and i was like i'm

falling in love with you lady yeah yeah dude she you know if you're on enough drugs i think you can fall in love with anybody at a fish festival yeah it could have been a man dude you would have been a man dude i feel like dudes because a dude it's like I can get on his shoulders at the show. I can really see the boys. I can hang out. Dude, all that open field and shit, you could play tag with them. Dude. You know, jerk each other off a little bit.

I tried to get a bunch of people to play hide and seek. Nobody wanted to play hide and seek. At night or daytime? Daytime. Yeah. I might be why. I don't know, dude. It's 50,000 people.

You can do some good like you don't have to be in the dark to hide at a festival and they had all kinds of cool shit they had a couch made out of balloons i was hanging out on that i was like no one will find me here yeah and then i didn't even find myself dude i tell you what man i went out there looking for some shit didn't find it but dude i'm'm not going to lie, man. That smell of like in the morning, just like shitty grass and balls, dude. I miss that smell, man. You can get it. It's not that far away.

It's just like a distinct smell, though. I feel like you need a genuine group of people to prevent that smell. Oh, you mean clean people? I think a mixture of both a little bit a little bit of gooch and roast beef yeah oh beefy gooch have you have you been to a festival before no dude the only concerts i've ever been to was american idol which was fucking sick wait it was indoors dog i don't know if you know this you've got acdc you got tom petty you got queen and the only concert you've seen is american idol and then uh yeah it's weird man and then the zach brown band oh i love zach

brown george's own bro i bro i fucking snuck into that concert yeah with a torn mcl what's the mcl is it the shoulder it's like the yeah the inside of your knee damn how'd you sneak in through a fence dude i was with uh my friend dude we got pretty smashed yeah he just started sprinting and i was like i guess i have to follow him dude that's the thing man injuries can't stop you from looking cool with a friend you gotta really commit i've broken a leg and then left it broken because i'm just like nah dog jared's running and if jared runs i have to run because he's gonna call me a pussy and i can't handle that yeah no man left standing dude absolutely i might fall but i'm getting right like yeah when you're drunk you don't even feel it either until like the day after but

yeah man we look like fucking rambo by the time we snuck in sure how was the show it was fucking sick dude i made out with this chick who's like a solid three hey dude that's better than a two yeah dude this chick was so ugly my friend was tapping me on the shoulder as i was making out he was like dude dude he gave it like three good taps yeah yeah and then you just let it happen dude i sometimes you gotta man yeah i mean then you just let it happen, dude. Sometimes you got to, man. I mean, if you're that hammered, and it's a Zach Brown band show, so it's like it's country women.

I mean, like I saw some real bowling ball women this week like just walking around. Oh, for real? And dudes. Oh, yeah, dude. I met some sweet, fat people. Like there was this couple. They were like 70-something, and they invited me into their RV, and they had all these mushrooms. I was like, y'all are ugly as hell but you are the coolest fucking nice rv though i feel like people like that they really invest a lot into those rvs man

i think they did they were like yeah our kids went off to school and now we just drive around yeah some of the ugliest people i know have sick rvs dude i hope to be ugly enough to have an rv once yeah i used to have to fucking prep my uncle's rv dude like winterizing shit dude you have to like winterize it and shit so what is it like insulate it i don't even know man i'm be honest dude midway through i told him i was gonna go take a shit yeah and i jerked off in his bathroom dude dude that fucking ribs did you shit i think i did both yeah oh dude that's efficient as hell dude you were telling me last time did i tell you about the art museums you did a no hands cum shot yeah sorry i haven't done it since but it's been it's been hard work i mean let's run

it back i think about it every now and then because i'm trying to find new creative ways to come and like sometimes i'll i'll try and do the like and like push it out uh but i'm afraid i'm gonna like break my asshole if i do that sometimes it's risky dude yeah i've done a lot of pressing lately okay instead of like stroking it's a lot of like pinching mixing it up man yeah you got it man after you told me you come like you came with no hands yeah did you try i think about that all the time have you done it it? I'll be getting off the train, and I'll just be like, dude, that dude came with no hands. Dude, it just takes a lot of focus and a clean mind. Yeah, I don't know, man.

Just fucking do a week of no caffeine, of no drugs, of no booze, and then you can do a lot with your mind. Not only can you come—sometimes I move shit with my mind. Yeah. Why not? Dude, I mean, I believe you, but it it's just like i just feel like you think it's more common than it actually is like i feel like you could be in the guinness guinness world book it's not that i think it's more common it's just more doable than people realize i mean because like look dude i've jerked off in a myriad of places yeah i used to go to art museums and

jerk off when i was a kid that was my my big move. Did I mention this last time? No. Bro, I've hit so many art museums around the country. It's crazy. Were you spanking in the B-room? Yeah, of course. I was like 12 and I just couldn't handle myself. You see the Mona Lisa and the next thing you know, you're just jerking it. See, if it was back then when you first found out

about spanking, dude, I could spank anywhere. Dog, when did you find out? I was definitely young bro i think you know like i think i was like 11 i mean young enough to be shooting absolute blanks yes nothing's coming out you just you're never giving up dude no but like then you get into like 15 16 you start jerking off at work and stuff like dog i used to work at a dunkin donuts man i would be alone there from 1 p.m to 10 p.m and i would just invite all my boys over to party

and then if they couldn't make it i'd be like well at least i can jerk off in the bathroom dude there's always a consolation prize is there any better feeling like no matter how shitty life gets yeah than knowing that you're going to jerk off at night, dude? I'm going to be honest, I probably would have killed myself had it not been for the thought of, well, you're still going to come tonight. And that's huge. Dude, that's always consistent, too.

Dude, and I thought about it all fish, because I was camping with a buddy, and I can't jerk off in the tent with him. You don't think so? He didn't sleep as much as I would have liked him to but he passed out for a long time of course i thought about i thought about doing it to the porta potty porta potties all smelled like dog shit yeah but it's like that's a big part of my life is knowing that i can jerk off sometimes yeah and just knowing like you're not hurting anyone but yourself man no and i hurt myself a lot for sure i definitely i go in and out like

if i'm really trying to like quit smoking weed or something then it becomes like oh i because my shit i'm like i got addict brain and i gotta come an addictive personality a little bit oh beyond a little bit i mean i can't drink anymore uh because of it and i threw that right into like well can i have sex with as many people as possible? And the answer is yes. Yeah. Yeah, and it's to the point where it's unfulfilling now. You got to fill the void, man.

I don't know how. I'm trying so hard. I went to fish. I did so much acid. I talked to one woman, which was cooler than anything I've done in a long time. I mean, that'll keep you going for a decent amount, man. I hope so. I've been finding, like like i found a porno of

this chick who looks like a woman i know who's married whoa and i've just been non-stop jerking off to that just thinking about like her husband watching us oh really yeah it's fucked that's a whole nother level dude exactly like her dude so i'm like i can't stop bro you know i keep looking for people on the internet that i know and like like, excuse me, I'll look up. Doppelganger, Central, dude. Not even Doppelganger. I'll go in for homemade videos and then see if I know somebody. Oh, you like categorize it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm definitely big on the homemade stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't have too much production. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like when you hear a band, they're so much better live than they are in the studio. It's like watching an old movie. I'm sorry, I forgot you haven't been to as many concerts. I know, dude. We got to get you hear a band. They're so much better live than they are in the studio. It's like watching an old movie.

I'm sorry, I forgot you haven't been to as many concerts. I know, dude. We've got to get you to a show, dude. I've seen some online, though, where I feel like I'm actually there. Dog, I get that. And imagine that for porn. Yeah. Like where you're actually there.

Yeah, I mean, I'm big into the homemade stuff, dude. I feel like I'm watching an old movie or something. Yeah, yeah. I need some grain, man. I need to know it's real i need to know it feels real man yeah dude it's almost like i'm i do feel like i'm have you ever done vr porn i've tried it dude but i can't get the screen to go full screen it's always like split in half you know it's and i feel like a fucking ant or like a bug you know what i'm saying yeah i definitely every time i do it because it's like the fish eye view i feel like i'm getting the wrong angles i feel like a fucking ant or like a bug. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I definitely, every time I do it, because it's like the fish eye view, I feel like I'm

getting the wrong angles. I feel like I'm missing something. You feel like a fish, dude. I feel like a fish. And that's the problem, man. I want to feel like a real boy. Yeah, you can't fucking jerk off feeling like a fish, dude. Nah, dude.

Fish don't have dicks to hold, bro. Yeah, bro. I think so. If they did, they'd be spanking nonstop. Dude, and it's because it's already wet. You're already in the water, dude. Yeah, imagine jerking off in the Atlantic, dude. I have. Really? Yeah. Damn, dude. Have you imagine jerking off in the Atlantic, dude. I have.

Really? Yeah. Damn, dude. Have you never jerked off in the ocean? You should make a documentary, dude, of all the places you've jerked off. I've thought about it. Really? I have a note in my phone.

Oh, shit, man. Like, in my jokes and stuff. I do want to give a tour of all the places I've come in New York City. I'm thinking about it, because I got multiple boroughs. I got multiple neighborhoods. I got places I can't go anymore. I got cracks in the street I step over because I know there's cum in there. Dude, they've got hidden cameras now and Airbnbs and stuff.

Yeah, dude. They're cracking down on that, man. How can you crack down on that? That's what an Airbnb is for, like vacations. Yeah. I think you just took a lot of creeps, though, dude. They rented out to hot chicks and then kind of see what's going on.

Yeah, man, I've jerked off in so many Airbnbs, dude. It's crazy. I don't think that I have stayed in an Airbnb I haven't jerked off in. Or a hotel for that matter. I'm jerking off. Why not? What are they going to do? What are they going to blackmail me? It's like, oh, you jerked off. It's like, so do you

bitch. If you don't jerk off, you're the free. I would me? It's like, oh, you jerked off. It's like, so do you, bitch. If you don't jerk off, you're the free. I would be more concerned about someone not jerking off to my Airbnb. What are they hiding? What are they afraid of? What am I afraid of? Yeah. At that point, man, it's like, just let it rip. Dog, it's natural.

I'm talking about it on stage now, too. I'm like, we all do it. Everybody does. It's not weird. I've been talking about it for so long, dude. And at a certain point, I was like, dude, you got to stop. And then I realized, no, you don't. No, you don't.

You don't. You can keep going. That's the key. It's like you got to go deeper into it. Exactly. And that's how you come better, too. There's a whole different world out there, man, that we don't even know about. I mean, are you daily?

Yeah, it's right before bed, dude. That's it? I mean, there have been some days man where i'll do it twice but those are the days where i'm like really down on myself you know i feel like i'm like dude you just jerked off at nine in the morning like on a weekday i don't want a weekend it's like all right man you know see i'm not gonna reply to that because i'm coming i'm doing well i guess i am gonna reply i jerk off in morning, sometimes in the afternoon, definitely at night. I like really try and keep myself free and clear.

Otherwise, you know, as far as I'm concerned, the time between jerking off is just building up anger and resentment. And every time you jerk off, you release that out into the world and you're rid of it. So if I can do it three times a day that keeps me pretty happy yeah because i've been thinking like if i'm not doing it yeah i'm just loading up and that's cool if you've got a girlfriend or something where it's like i'm saving it all for you baby but i only have like such a big mag you know before i start lighting it up you know yeah those things are gonna pop dude if i'm not jerking if i don't jerk off for like a You know, before I start lighting it up. The magic. You know?

Yeah, those things are going to pop. Because, like, dude, if I don't jerk off for, like, a week, dude, I'm going to come on, like, the freeway or something. Dude, that's what four, really five nights at Fish was like, because I got in a day early. And it's like, you're seeing all these beautiful women. You're on psychedelics. So it's just, like, everything's horny. And you can't really go anywhere without thinking about it and yeah i definitely came my pants a little bit not really

yeah yeah yeah i mean i'm i am back to that point in my life where i am coming in my jeans every now and then and it's kind of cool it makes me feel young again telling you dude you got to make a documentary on this shit man really who would watch it would just be such an emotional roller coaster you know people wouldn't know where it's going i don't know where it's going that's the scary part dude you just call a segment the comeback they're like wait a second he's coming the comeback yeah you see what i you see what i did there dude dude i love that because that's like you ever see those documentaries where someone was like abused as a kid and then they go back to their house and look at the scene and they're like yeah yeah this is where he raped me this is where he beat me up yes i would love to go to the

tenement museum in the lower east side and be like this is where i jerked off when i was 13 years old dude that would be critically do you think it would be good i think it would be critically acclaimed really i think you'd get so many views dude i'm not above doing this i've really kind of come to terms with the fact that I'll sell myself out for anything. Especially if you started crying. You get like a little nostalgic. I can step. Dude.

You know. Could you imagine watching that on YouTube? A guy crying at a place he jerked off. And then like, but being totally serious about it. Just like, yeah, man. So many memories. I mean, I was in a really weird place. I mean, that's something I could probably get on board with.

I could probably do that, honestly, man. You want to do it together? You can show me where you've jerked off. I can show you where I've jerked off. And then by the end of it, we just cover the city. Yeah. Cover the city with city and fucking tears and cum. Yeah, man.

Well, at least it's not in my apartment anymore. You know what I mean? As long as I can get out of the house. Have you jerked off anywhere in the city that would surprise anybody? No, man. Not in the city yet, but. You've been here too long. You got to get in there.

Fuck, man. I just remember jerking off in my fucking uncle's house, dude. The RV? I was supposed to be helping him like winterize the rv and i just remember being like yeah man i'm gonna go take a i'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick did you finish the job but dude just the fact that i took a shit and came that's that's cool because you're getting released from multiple holes and like that's a rare thing yeah if you could have thrown up while you did it. I mean, did you help him?

No, not really, man. I mean, is he still around? Yeah. Sounds like the job was done well enough. I kind of want to let him know, man. Just be like, hey, man, remember that? You haven't told him? No. Are you close?

I don't know how you would break it, you know? I don't think he would be surprised if I told him. How old were you? I was probably like 14, 15. Oh, dude, he knew what you were doing then yeah i was that age where i was just always doing it yeah yeah i bet he called your dad and was like he's fucking doing it again probably dude he probably knew right away i was probably hard when i told him i was going to the bathroom dog anytime i took a shit when i was like 13 i was just jerking off

that's like when you tell your boys you're going to go take a shit and you like jerk off in the shower, dude, at a sleepover or something. Well, see, I never did a shower, but I would definitely go to the bathroom. And then when I got home from school, that was important to me. If I got home and I was like 14 years old, I would go find like a People magazine in the bathroom. And like, I'll never forget, there was Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on the cover back in the day. And I made a party out of that in the bathroom. Pete Hilton and Nicole Richie on the cover back in the day and I made

a party out of that in the bathroom. P Hilton dude? Yes sir. And then I heard my mom knocking on the door and she's like what are you doing? And it's like you know what I'm doing. Yeah I remember Angelina Jolie dude. Angelina Jolie was important for my jerking off. Tomb Raider 2 was really fucking

100% dude. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I never saw it. I jerked off to that like six times dude. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I never saw it. I jerked off to that like six times, dude. How old are you? 28. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I'm 32. You never saw that?

I never saw it. Oh, man. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I mean, that's the hot... I mean, I jerked off to them in real life. Yeah. You know, the movie was cool, but again, I'm a homemade guy. I want to see what they're looking like outside of the makeup.

I mean, there's a sex scene in that, dude. You could probably just put it on rerun. Really? For sure. To show nipples? It's in the kitchen, too, so. Real nice kitchen. Like, good countertops and shit, man.

Damn, dude. That is. Do you ever do that? Do you ever watch homemade porn and kind of judge the house that they're in? Yeah, do like a little TLC overview. Kind of. If I see the wrong posters in the room i'm like how did she fuck this guy yeah you just get distracted dude yeah dude well and then all of a sudden it'll be like you know

the clash poster i like the clash the next thing i know i'm listening to london calling i've totally i mean no joke dude i've jerked off to uh i've jerked off to the food channel before really and i've also jerked off to uh like tlc shit really you know like home improvement type stuff yeah yeah if it's like a solid couple like a middle-aged couple yeah and you can kind of feel like a little bit of friction between them i love that just gets me going dude dude i get that because i can't have a relationship unless i'm arguing with somebody all the time like i need a relationship that's just knowing that they're struggling like emotionally and financially you're like dude this is what i live that's huge because then i can put myself in the narrative

they also had that show like uh where they were like move that bus what's that oh dude it was like the most emotional fucking show ever they would like build homes for like uh retarded people like handicapped people and then yeah they would fucking blindfold them and put them behind a bus and they'd be like move that bus and then just show like their them and put them behind a bus. And they'd be like, move that bus. And they'd just show their dream home. Did they get to keep it? I like to think that they showed them the dream home and they were like, pretty cool, right?

Pretty fucking rad. It just blows up. Yeah. That's the home improvement show I want to watch. I to see like punked meets tlc well you think that stuff's real though or you think they kind of like you know anything about that type of no i i don't know i don't know enough but i do think that it's here's what i think i do think it's real but i don't think that they set these people up for success where they're like here's this beautiful home yeah the energy bill is gonna be fucking

crazy here and i know you don't have any money yeah but now you're stuck with this they like like set them up with like a mortgage it's i think about that all the time it's like yeah how do they pay for it or do they sell these because even if it's paid free and clear dude like all those utilities and shit it's insane you go from not having a home to the most expensive utilities in the world it seems kind of cruel i think it's fake man i don't think really do you think the people are real because i've never heard of anyone who's ever actually been on one of those things it's like those things where they do like fucking the like handout free teslas and shit that's like oprah shit yeah yeah i don't know it's gotta be fake dude it can't be real i feel like like there's got to be a catch.

I do think it's real, but I'm curious, like, if you get a Tesla, like, what are you stuck with? Like, do you have to own it for a certain amount of years before you can get rid of it, before you can sell it? Like, if somebody gave me a Tesla, I would sell the shit out of it, dude. Thank you. It's like so fast. Unless it's one of those.

Just mark it up. Bro. Yeah. Well, if it's free, everything's a mark one of those i mark it up bro i yeah well if it's free everything's a markup baby i'm fine that's free money dude yeah i uh i saw one of those cyber trucks for the first time a few weeks ago i think they're kind of cool dude they are dude i i know it's not cool to say they're cool but they're fucking rad man thing is dude like you could take an like a mini uzi to one of those two just for show if you're on like a date or something oh yeah hey babe you want to see something really fucking cool

you bring out a hammer oh why are you wearing uh construction pants why are you wearing carpenter jeans oh i keep a hammer to beat the shit out of my cyber truck to impress women that'll be sick it would be the hot if somebody did that on a date, I would get down on one knee immediately and just be like, babe, you get it. Let's make it happen. Let's make it happen. Let me, oh, dude. Bro, I've seen a bunch of them, though.

I've seen a bunch of them recently driving around. I'm just, I saw one in my neighborhood, and then I saw one in the West Village. And I got, I mean, dude, they're impressive. Yeah, for sure. It's like, I we that we're supposed to hate it and it's supposed to be stupid but if you asked me to draw what my dream car looked like when i was 14 that's exactly what it was yeah it looks like a fucking lego dude yeah dude maybe

add some flames on it yeah i can't wait to see someone's gonna build racing stripe put racing stripes on their cyber truck and i can't wait to see it man going to build racing stripe, put racing stripes on their cyber truck. And I can't wait to see it, man. Oh man. Yeah, dude. I think a lot about like, uh, in road rage, you know, I don't get it often, but when I do, dude, I just go from like zero to a hundred with my mind though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Not physically. I just think about like, just spending like 10 years of my life, dude, just making my own death race vehicle. Oh, that. Do you think own death race vehicle. Oh. You know what I'm saying, dude? That, do you think you could? Do you know anything about cars? No, but if I had the money, dude.

Yeah. Just think about what you could build, man. Dog, I just drove a van across the country. Just use like YouTube videos too. I gotta get better at that. I can't watch YouTube videos to learn shit. I do think I'm retarded. Like I do think I've smoked enough pot

to really just kill every smart cell in my brain you don't think you could do like a diy video like follow it no i i could try and then what would happen is i'd get impatient i'd start trying to do it myself next thing i know i've blown up the car i've maybe maimed another person on the street who was walking by i ask you something though if you could make your own death race vehicle, what would it look like, dude? Okay. You've seen Mad Max? Yeah.

Okay. You know the one where the truck where there's the guy playing guitar on the back? Yeah. Okay. I want to build that exact vehicle. I want to have a guy playing behind, except he only plays the needle in the damage done by Neil Young.

It's just real quiet, but you're driving real fast. He's like, With subwoofers? Deep subwoofers. I'm talking about drown out the vocals subwoofers. Shaking the road. I'm trying to shake the planet, dog. Dude, I heard some deep bass this week.

The kind of bass where i would see it i swear to god i saw someone's butt jiggle when the bass hit it's the best it was cool yeah i'm a big fan of bass yeah yeah that's what it's about man ah just deep cuts i don't know though man i i'm driving this car now and i fucking get mad road rage like on the way here this guy was trying to make a left turn in front of me but he was kind of being a pussy about it yeah and i rolled the window down and i was like just fucking go man just go and then he wouldn't go and i like you said that externally or in your head externally oh wow i like rolled the window down and like pop my head out and i was like making arm motions and shit and then i just realized like if this guy came up to me he would beat the

living shit out of me like i really take for granted that i'm in a car when i do shit like that yeah i mean dude that's why i don't say anything externally you know what i mean somebody could just whip out like a fucking m60 and just start blind firing some but you know what dude i think about that sometimes and i kind of think to myself like how cool would it be if i got through this you know like if someone started shooting and i fucking drove away yeah dude i would have the best story to tell oh my god i could probably get some insurance money out of it if you fucking peeled out yeah it's like a sick song too oh my god dude yeah like a thousand miles by vanessa carlton dude oh you peeled out dude yeah i i i used to uh play in bands in high school and there was this like punk rock band that would cover that song yeah and i used to get so fucking horny when it would come on just like

guitars being like fucking rip dude yeah that song will get you harder than fucking anal dude yeah i don't know about that uh i'm trying i mean i've only done anal once yeah and i mean if you're gonna do anal you gotta do it to that song dude you know what isn't that what might surprise you i don't think it was that song but i do think another vanessa car Carlton song played the one time I did Anal. But, you know, I will remember that for next time. I got to find a lady to do Anal and then be like, hold on, and then put on A Thousand Miles. I think that would make her laugh. It would make me laugh.

It would make everything a lot more comfortable. I mean, I'm going to be honest, dude. If you do anything to that song, that's fucking sick, man. It's true. It's true. You could if you do anything to that song that's fucking sick man it's true it's true i think you could be weed whacking to that song dude i'd be like that guy's a fucking man dude he would be but i don't know if i want to see a grown man cry while mowing the lawn i mean i do yeah dude you want to hear something crazy tell me dude one time i used to have a truck with flames on it, dude. Dude, fucking yes. You didn't have to say it. I already knew, but thank fucking God.

Yeah. Dude, I pull up to this four-way intersection, blasting music with subwoofers. Yeah. Dude, I'm blasting the song Love Stinks. What song is that? Dude, it's a banger. Okay. It's like, love stinks.

Okay. You know? Sure. Yeah. It does. I think it's in an Adam Sandleranger. Okay. It's like, love stinks. Okay. You know? Sure. Yeah. It does. I think it's in an Adam Sandler movie. Oh, this is the song of Mr. Deeds. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. So you're jamming. You're stinking love. Dude, blast in this song. Yeah. Full volume, windows down, bro.

I pull up to this four-way. I look over. There's this old man on a John Deere. Okay. He just looks over at me stops the john deere dude and just salutes me dude really yeah dude that's some small town shit and that's why it's better to be out of the city yeah i fucking love that you're not gonna get a salute in the city i mean dude that kept me alive for like three days how old were you dude this was probably in high school

i i don't know i had a lot of pulling up to people and i'd be playing something and i'd get a lot of fuck you man really yeah in atlanta i got called a pussy out of my car once uh for listening to avril lavigne dude did you ever have uh like aspirations of like falling in love while you're playing a good song i still have aspirations of falling in love i'll play like i've mapped out my wedding from a girl that i'll meet on the subway while my head but like i'll take out my headphones and accidentally start playing through my phone and it'll be something real fucking sweet like no doubt yeah and then this lady be like i love no doubt and then next thing i know it's like well

we're at her place we're not even having sex we're just like, well, we're at her place. We're not even having sex. We're just like eating cheese. And we're getting used to each other. Oh, man. Yeah, man. And then we map out a whole life together. We adopt a dog. And then we take a trip to Spain. And if we make it through Spain, we're going to get married. And that's exciting because, like, I bought the ring already.

You know what I mean? And if she, I can't wait to propose. But the whole time we're doing it, like, the montage is a thousand miles. Dude, I have the same thoughts, man. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, dude, I think about playing, like, You Shook Me All Night Long by ACDC. Oh, I'm familiar.

And then some chick just hops in my car, dude, and I just suck on her titties. Like, that's it. You know what I mean? I do. Like, I just suck on her titties for like two hours straight and then she just heads out dude i'm so done with sex it's all about titty sucking yeah i think that is kind of where we're at as you imagine doing that dude yes consensually just sucking on titties and then just being like have a good night i've done that really yeah just sucking on titties just sucking

we made out too okay i mean i'm talking. You're just talking straight to it. No, dude, because foreplay is for the fucking birds, dude. Just straight up. Just straight up. Getting in the car, ripping the blouse. I mean, I would take it slow, dude, but like... Sure. How do you take it slow if you're not going to make out with somebody?

I'll argue that there's nothing faster than going straight for the titties well dude you ever have a friend with uh like a mom who had like straight up fucking cannons absolutely dude imagine that dude i i'll be honest i think like a lot of people got into the girls their own age when they were growing up i was really into all of my friends moms same dude yeah and i think that like is still something i'm into like for sure yeah it's getting scarier that the moms are becoming closer to my age than they used to be that's really starting to scare me because like my age for milfs went from like 25 to 35 right now i'm in my 50s yeah but dude who knows when

i'm 40 milfs are to be 72 years old. I think I'll still be hanging on, dude. I think I have to. I like to think that that's just maturity. Yeah. Right? Getting older women, right? I mean, dude, I used to fucking pick up this one kid, man,

and his mom would always come out and talk to me. Oh. Oh, dude, and she would, like, bend over a little bit. Dude, when you see, like, yeah in the in the shirt where the low cut it's like you know it's super bad when uh evan's mom comes out same exact same thing dude and it's like that was one of those formative moments for me where like i was driving somebody once and their mom came out to say goodbye and i just i'll never get turned to the dude and saying i'd fuck your mom man and then he got out of the car and left.

And we haven't spoken since. Dude, it's that tit crack, dude. There's nothing like it, man. It just looks like the fucking equator, dude. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just like, fuck, man. It's crazy.

There's nothing like it. Yeah, because could you imagine a dude's balls? Because they ostensibly make the same shape i mean yeah yeah dude and so it's like but if someone put their balls in the window it was like so how are you guys doing and what's new with you guys yeah maybe if some dude put like his cup on the fucking yeah it's a dad that comes back from his adult hockey league yeah he just puts his junk on. He's like, so you boys have fun tonight? What'd you do?

You think you know what's behind it, but you really don't. No, dude. Because if someone's mom came out with straight up titties, it wouldn't be the same. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's nothing unsexier than open titties right up top. I like a little bit of mystery. sexier than open titties right up top i like a little bit of mystery i like to know what's i like to imagine what's being hidden from me and then be surprised it's the same thing like because it's it's the kind of deal where it's like all right you pull a lady's pants down and

she doesn't have an ass crack or something it's like wasn't ready for that but this is cool too you know dude you think if you were like a hot mom though you'd kind of like fuck with your like your son's friends i do think i would because like dude if i was a hot milf and i had a son dude and like his friend was picking him up i think i would just walk outside with my fucking top off just start screaming shit in latin i mean Semper Fi Yeah Just like really throw them off Yeah that would

I mean dude That would really fucking confuse me Cause I mean Cause at that point you don't know Is she offering herself to you Is she saying don't look at me Other languages

That's cruel shit But I would love to do it Cause like dads don't get that option You're a creep If you're a dad Being like Oh honey You're bringing your if you're a dad being like, oh, honey, you're bringing your friend Jenny over? It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But if you're a mom, you can get away with it. Yeah, no, that would be super creepy, man. Did you have any hot teachers? Yeah, dude. I had a teacher. Every teacher to me was hot. Yes. Even the dudes.

Really? I was like, you guys are fucking beautiful, man. Interesting. Something about it. Are your parents teachers? No. Weird. weird yeah i'm just fucking around dude i didn't find oh most of the dude teachers i had were just the ugliest men i've ever seen in my life i had a lot of old men yeah but uh there was men who they just failed at everything yes but i had a math teacher miss i don't want to say her name but she miss vitality uh i'll never forget i really

text you italian she must be sounds like it yeah but i'll never ever forget this she was like she used to smoke cigarettes i smoked cigarettes at the time we were talking cigarettes and uh i was staying after because she was grading a test and i tried to put my hand out she had her hand out and i was like yeah fuck it we're talking cigarettes she probably thinks like i've got she probably thinks i'm really hot uh i was like she knows i'm not that smart but she thinks i'm funny and that's nice and i put my hand on her hand and she's like yeah and she was like what the fuck was that it was like nothing nothing nothing and uh we joked about it we're friends on facebook now and you know i dm'd her at one point i was like hey you remember that time?

Oh, man. Just to see if there was still a spark. Wow. What did you feel when you touched it, dude? Dude, this was, like, before I had sex. So it was, like, the craziest, like... Like the floodgates just opened. Yeah, because I'm a pretty nervous dude around women.

I don't talk to girls very often. It scares me. I'm afraid that I'm going to get rejected. This is the boldest I've ever been in my life. and i think this is probably why i'm nervous around women now yeah like i did this straight up like hand and then nothing and put my hand like i was like i was moving my hair back but i i've never had long hair so it didn't really work i uh i didn't have sex with her and i failed the math class. Did you still have feelings for her afterwards? Totally, dude.

Yeah, I still probably have some feelings for her that I haven't resolved, but she's a free bird, dude. I can't contain that. I can't cage that. Yeah, man, love is love, dude, you know? I do, and you know what? I am for love that's between a man and a man, a man and a woman, a student and a teacher, whatever it takes.

Oh, man. If it's love, it's love. And I met a guy at the Phish concert who wound up dating and marrying the girl he used to babysit. Holy shit. Yeah, and he was cool as hell and so was she. So love is love is love. Fuck, man. So it's not just us, dude.

People are out there. I think everybody's out there trying to find love. Fuck, man. So it's not just us, dude. Like, people are out there. I think everybody's out there trying to find it. Oh, man. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Well, dude, I remember this one teacher I had in seventh grade. She, like, openly came out as, like, a lesbian. Yeah. Everyone knew who she was.

She was eating out another teacher and shit. Whoa. And she was, like, pointing at the projector one day and I just fucking couldn't stop thinking about her just like eating roast beef, dude. Yeah, dude. And I remember getting a hard on and I was like, dude, I'm going to the B room to J off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

So I get ready to raise my hand. Dude, I'm like, hey, can I use the bathroom? And she just goes, no. That's the meanest thing I've ever heard. Dude, but I think she knew what was going on. She definitely knew what was going on. She knew I was bricked up. Dude, yeah.

Because I think in high school the teachers are aware, like, 75% of the time these kids are going to the bathroom, it's not to pee or shit. Yeah. I was a good kid, though, dude. I think she just kind of knew. I don't know, man. Maybe I was just so small and, like, think she just kind of knew i don't know man maybe i was just so small and like so narrow-minded i just didn't know you know i thought no one could see my fucking desperation you know yeah dude it's a need to come and when you're that young it's like

yeah i can't stop myself i saw some crazy shit though in high school with uh this kid was this is this is why you got to go to the bathroom did i tell you about this the kid that made a book tent and jerked off yeah you told me about okay yeah that's the thing it's wild man it's wild but that's the thing if you get to that point you're fucked just let the kid go jerk off in the bathroom and he'll be fine he'll come back yeah man and then like i've only heard of one person having sex in my high school bathroom and they got suspended. Yeah. Which is kind of the coolest thing that can happen, I think. Like, if you can get laid and then get three days off school. Yeah.

That's pretty fucking rad. So you think you should be able to raise your hand and be like, hey, can I go jerk off? I do. You know what, man? I actually kind of agree with that. I think that, like, you're not, you, like, these are your words. Like, once a day, though. You think?

Once a class. Once a class. Once a class. I think, no, you know what? Well, then you wouldn't be able to tell. Before lunch and after lunch. Okay. Or once a day. I think it should be once a day, dude.

And I do think that it should be allowed in school. The boys, you go in the boys' room, you jerk off, whatever. Girls can do it, too, in the girls' room. Don't mix it. Don't fucking make it weird it's just this is this is self-care this is maintenance you should bring that up at like a town council meeting i gotta get a pta meeting going yeah i gotta have a kid because i would vote for that right i don't think you know what like the more i'm thinking about it the more

it sounds okay if you get a good group of guys with you, man, I feel like you get a few votes, you know? Yeah, dude. I also think, why stop at school, dude? This should be a work thing. Yeah. Like, you know, I know a lot of the new hip companies, they've got lactation rooms. Why aren't there jerk-off rooms? Yeah. I think that would stop a lot of sexual assault, if we're being totally honest.

This could be good for the people. You could save so many lives, man. I really think that you could is this crazy because i'm kind of the more i'm talking about it the more you think about it the more it makes sense it does right now fuck okay this is the subway take this is you know people should be able to jerk off in pub not in public but yeah you gotta be behind closed doors yes but there should be spaces designated for taking care of yourself yeah right yeah man i just keep thinking about my friend's mom dude yeah i get it i'm thinking i'm thinking about my friend jared's mom dude did uh your friend jared's mom like have any like uh like what was it about or that really like she was she have any hobbies oh yeah she gardened oh and i mean it

wasn't just i mean dude all of you know what it was i think it's all of my friends moms were nicer to me than my mom was yeah and i was like oh i'm in love with all of you dude yeah and then they were just like bitchy to their own kids yeah and i think that's probably how kids thought about my mom too something about like religion too like my friend had like a really religious mom dude she was like super nice, dude. And I remember one time I was hanging out in his room and we were on like his bunk bed or whatever, like no homo, just chilling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And dude, his mom was like super religious and like super caring, dude. And she came into his room with like a winter hat and she like gifted it to him. And she was like very emotional about it. She was like, I really hope you like it. gifted it to him and she was like very emotional about it she was like i really hope you like it dude my friend took two baseballs put him in the hat put him between his legs and started waving it between his legs like it was like a nutsack yeah dude and his mom was right behind oh shit dude like I was facing his mom. No, this is what we do when you're not here.

It's pretty cool. Dude, he had no clue. Like his mom was behind him and I was just looking into his mom's eyes. Dude, I've never been so hard in my life. It was a beautiful moment. Dude, every now and then when you'd get in trouble with your friend's parents and they're disciplining you and they're yelling at you. Just seeing her be like heartbroken, I was like, can i can fix this yeah yeah yeah i can save this for 20 years and uh never forget it dude yeah i i mean i had i had some friends that had older sisters too and that was really

something else dude you want to hear something crazy i do i just remembered this tell me oh my god dude i shouldn't even say this, bro. Your podcast. Bro. I mean, I'm not saying names, but dude, my, uh, one of like my best friends growing up had a super hot sister. Yeah. And she was like super like prude and super nice man. Like a, like a family friend kind of. Yeah. Dude. So I'm in high school and I haven't seen this woman in like 10 years. Like it's been a long time. So I go to i'm in high school and i haven't seen this woman in like 10 years like it's been a long time so i go to this party in high school and she's there how much older is she just a year older dude and i'm like walking into the party and i just see like a head pop out of

this car and they're like yo yo psyche like come in here dude so i get in this car and it's just like three dudes and her, and then me, and they're all drinking, like, getting ready to go on the party. Yeah. And, dude, this chick was, like, talking about how she was going to hook up with the dude who was driving, like, openly. Yeah. And she had, like, a boyfriend.

Oh. You know what I mean? I know what you mean. And I was just like dude i used to like know this girl like 10 years ago she was like super like religious like goody goody and now she's openly like where should we hook up and i'm just in the back seat like what happened to the harry potter days you know what i mean it ruins everything you think about somebody i'm like don't do this dude my friend uh had a sister who was like 10 years older.

And I remember like she came home from school one year and she brought her boyfriend. Yeah. And I had such a fucking like anger issue towards this dude. Really? Yeah. Because I was like, your sister's too hot. She shouldn't be with this guy. I should be with her.

And like, dude, even at like 14, I was like, fuck this guy. And I was like a dick to him. Just like, oh, you do that? You go to school for that? That's cute. I'll probably go to school for math or something. They always dated the shittiest guys. Always, dude.

And they're only shitty because they're not us. Yeah. And that's the thing. If you're not us, you're shitty. If you're not failing at everything, dude. It's so hard to find a woman that's just like, oh, it's cute that he's failing at everything he's doing. They just didn't respect that, man. They didn't respect the fucking trials and tribulations, dude.

No, dude, and I acted out like a motherfucker at that time. If I had just gotten laid when I was 14, I would have saved myself so much trouble. Yeah, that's pretty young, man, to get laid. Yeah, I guess so. I can't remember if I was 16 or 17. I think I was like 17. I think I was too, if I was 16 or 17. I think I was like 17.

I think I was too, but I'm not entirely sure. Dude, one time I got stung by a herd of bees in the ass. Okay. And I was like an overweight kid. Yeah. And my friend's sister took me into the bee room, dude, cleaned me up. But I remember she was like, pull your pants down. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know, you know,

cause I was overweight. Yeah. And then I remember pulling my pants down and I just remember her just being like, I don't know if I can do this. It's like, it's like, I asked my friend's mom once I got stung by a jellyfish at the beach.

I told my friend's mom, I was like, I heard P works. I heard P helps. she was like i'm dude if she was down you think you'd do it yeah jesus man yeah i mean for no other reason than it hurt really bad and i was like there was there was I'll say that 75% of me wanted her to pee on me to stop the stinging. But 25% was like, maybe I'll see her without her pants on. Yeah.

I mean, cause I don't know. Did you ever paid for it? No. Oh, cool. Dude, I don't even, uh, I'm just trying to think of like if that happened like you think you were secure enough for her to get peed on yeah no because i think about what that girl saw dude yeah you know she probably saw like a shit stain and then a bunch of like b marks yeah my my ex girlfriend was really cool about that she was like did you bring extra underwear when we go on trips

she'd be like because you know every now and then you get shit stains in your underwear. She wasn't a keeper, dude. She was. She left me. Yeah. I was like, she'll let me shit everywhere, dude. Yeah. But I mean. I'm sorry, man.

It's all right. The best ones are the ones you spend the money on. You know what I mean? The ones you lose, man. Mm-hmm. The ones that can deal with shit stains, dude. Shit stains are the dream. And it's a thing that I just miss every day.

And it's the first thing on most first dates I go on. It's like, can you handle me when I have skid marks in my underwear? Yeah, can you handle me at my best? Yeah. Because the worst is definitely when I shit my pants fully. Dude, I don't even know what it is, man, about the whole mom thing. I got to stop thinking about that what do you mean i think it's got to be like uh probably like a mixture of like harry potter and religion you know what i mean like those two things combined because it was

always like the moms who were like super nice and like you know they believed in a higher power dude they were into harry potter that's interesting had a septic system you know what i mean big one dude septic systems are that's a common one, dude. Septic systems are... That's a common thread, I think, with most women. They conserve energy and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like solar panels and shit. All that shit combined, dude, it's just like... Now I get it. Because the things we'll never

have. Yeah, you just kind of get it. You kind of get it. You're like, oh, I understand why these women are married now, and I'm single. You know? It sucks. If one of my friend's mom sat on my face when i was a kid yeah would it change the trajectory of my whole life sure man you'd probably be working for like a big bank or something at least i might be with microsoft i might you might be fucking bill gates dude dude bill gates was apparently at a show the other

night really or a few weeks ago yeah and someone, the comic on stage just called him. I was like, y'all know this is a bad man, right? Yeah. And I guess. Is he still alive? I don't know. Because that guy probably got killed. The comic?

Yeah. He doesn't have social media. No one can find him. Really? Yeah, dude. I mean, Bill Gates can find him, dude. That's probably true. But he didn't.

I don't know, man. Good for him, dude. I mean, Bill Gates can find them, dude. That's probably true, but he didn't. I don't know, man. I want to know what Bill Gates is like with women because I feel like he's got so much money and doesn't know how to talk to women. Bro, you know what someone was talking about the other day?

They were just like, yeah, women just kind of recycle through men, like successful women. What do you mean? If you're like a supermodel dude and you've got it all, you kind of just recycle through men. You need the best of the best of the best but if you're like a successful man like most of them just kind of settle for like normal dog i mean i think the analogy that person made was like beyonce and jay-z like beyonce chose like the one dude who's just like more famous than she is. That's true.

Who else is in her league, dude? You know what I mean? Well, that's the entire reason I want to be famous. I'm still gunning for Avril Lavigne. And I have to be more famous than her for her to date me. She's still out there? Oh, yeah, dude. She's cooking. Is she living in the neck around here?

I doubt it. I mean... She probably lives in Vermont, dude, in a treehouse or something what a dream i would live in a treehouse you know fish is from vermont really yeah dude i would imagine living in a fish i mean a fucking treehouse oh yeah i mean dude i would live in an aquarium if it was with avril lavigne do you do are you a drug guy no oh man have you ever done drugs and gone to the aquarium? No, I've been to Bass Pro Shops, though. High?

I don't think I've ever been high. Okay. But even going there sober is like an emotional roller coaster. Yeah, they got a good aquarium there. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, they got like a fish tank. It's not really an aquarium.

Sure, sure, sure. You know? No, no, no, for sure. I made the most of it, you know? Yeah, my cousin Andy also has a sick aquarium in his studio apartment. I mean, dude, a fish tank will get me going, man. Yeah, man. I got cats, and I think about like if I got fish, I would love to see the struggle. Okay.

I would love to see the fish kind of deal with these cats staring at them and shit i don't know man you gotta get you gotta get high go to the aquarium you don't even need everlavine dude they got jellyfish there that won't sting you which is kind of a bummer because then no one's gonna pee on you i uh i think i asked my mom to pee on me once when i got a jellyfish sting too really yeah Really? Yeah, but that wasn't because I was like, I want to fuck my mom. That was more of, that one is 100% jellyfish sting. And I think if my mom had said yes, I would have been like, okay, maybe not. Let's not do this.

Dude, I used to, yeah, man, I remember I used to get high and go out into nature, dude, and I used to always be sick, man. Dog, that's the best thing you can do for yourself. It really is, man, I remember I used to get high and go out into nature, dude, and I used to always be sick, man. Dog, that's the best thing you can do for yourself. It really is, man. It gets kind of scary, dude, but it's still just fucking awesome, dude. Dog, I was eating so much acid this week at Fish, and it's in the woods. Yeah. And I was wandering around, reconnecting with myself.

Dude, I went to Montana last month. Holy shit. with myself i dude i went to montana last month holy shit and i spent 23 hours didn't say a word to anybody ate mushrooms stared at the river and i was just like if i make it to 80 i'm gonna come back here with the biggest truckload of heroin yeah just shoot up and walk right into the river dude it's the prettiest place i remember going through the woods once wicked stones yeah to get to a fire dude oh in high school man and i remember going through the woods once, Wicked Stones, to get to a fire, dude, in high school, man. And I remember going through the woods, not being able to see anything. And then out of nowhere, this kid popped up who tried to fight me like two years ago.

And I was just like, no fucking way. And I just remember looking him in the eyes, dude, just saying, what's up, dude? And just continuing to walk, just not knowing what's going to happen. gonna happen no but you know what that's some higher road shit yeah that's that like you stare someone in the eyes that wants to fight you and you say what's up yeah dude bro that'll that'll neutralize anybody that's a stun gun dude that's like tasing a dude well can i be honest with you dude i kind of feel like a pussy a little bit why no dude well like as of late man i just kind of feel like a pussy dude because i've never even been in a fight okay i've never thrown hands with another man that's have you ever boxed i mean i fucking hit some pads you know just throwing some combos you know what i'm saying for sure for sure two

punches at the same time yep it's itwo, yep, yep. It's, I mean, the problem with throwing hands with somebody that no one ever tells you about is it fucking hurts to hit somebody. Dude, yes. I've punched someone in the face, but I've never gotten in a fight. What was the face punch for? I think I lost in, like,

fucking college basketball for PlayStation 2. My Guatemalan friend beat me, dude. And I remember I just wound up and punched him in the fucking face. Yeah. And, dude, it hurts so bad dude this pinky is broken from the first fight i was ever in this guy yeah it's just i hit somebody and my bones just went like it almost feels like the best option is to just let someone punch you in the face first i think it is break their hand and then you can just jerk them off oh Oh. I like a confusing fight.

I think that is the strongest tactic. And it's so clear you've never thrown hands if your first instinct is to jerk them off. You know what I've been thinking, dude? If I ever get in an altercation with someone, because I don't really look like a fighter. I disagree. Really? You don't look like a fighter, but you look like a guy that could fight. If you bumped shoulders with me at the bar and you could feel a fight,

do you think you'd be a little bit intimidated? Yes. Really? Yes. Because that's the thing. You've got broad shoulders. You clearly have muscle. I look a little retarded, too.

So it's like you never know what I could do. Yeah, dude. It's like he's not going to feel it if I hit him. I feel like, yeah, I would be intimidated. I think it would depend. If you're wearing these flip-flops and socks i would be terrified can i run something by you please okay this is uh this is you and i right yeah we're about to get into a fight do it we bump shoulders dude and you say let's go bro let's fucking go all right i whip out my left not dude straight faced

let me get this out let me get this out right right yeah yeah yeah sorry so my left nuts out dude okay we're at a bar dude you say let's fucking go let's go. I look you in the eyes, dude. Take on my left. Not. Yeah. I fear God, homie. Like how how scared would you be, dude? Oh, dude, I would leave without paying my tab. I would be so scared. You know what?

I like as I've been practicing that in the mirror. Really? Yeah. I think that's maybe you're smart. Like that wasn't even that good. Dog, because this is where my head's at. I don't take Ubers. I refuse to do it.

I refuse to spend the money. Really? If someone did that, I would call an Uber before I was out the door, and I would be like, you don't need to take me home, but you've got to get me anywhere out of here. Just the art of confusion, dude. Do you know how confusing that would be? Here's the thing. You're going to find one other guy who's like, yeah, okay, I can go with this.

And he pulls out his right nut. Yeah. And it just becomes this mirrored battle. That's what I'm thinking, dude. Because if you get knocked out after that. I mean, you pulled out your ace really fucking fast. Yeah, dude. You're on Worldstar, dude. You're on the news.

Yeah. Local man whips out his left nut. Yells, I fear God, homie. I fear God, homie God and gets knocked out unconscious I'm trying to think of something else you know coming back from that dude from getting knocked out after that Yeah, you're done man. You're definitely done. But I mean, I think you're gonna have everybody in the bar on your side Yeah, I think they're gonna be like well this guy tried to defuse this by pulling his nuts out is not excuse me And you know know it clearly

didn't work let's buy him a drink because everyone goes like the gate have you ever heard that like someone's like if i ever like got into a fight i would just like do something gay i've heard that but you know what i think the problem in 2024 is nobody's going to be weirded out by doing anything gay yeah but but if you show a single nut and bring the Lord into it, holy fuck. Perfect mixture, man. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. That's Christian.

And that's fucking scary. Dude, I've been thinking about this, dude, practicing it. When I said that, that wasn't even perfect. Can you show me your nut right now and let's see how well you've practiced? Well, dude, I'd have to be standing up. Fair enough. A little bit caffeinated, too. I've been practicing the mirror, too i so show me if you were practicing what's the face the eyes were huge yeah that was terrifying

well it's kind of like i gotta be moving around a little bit yeah like stimulated yeah yeah yeah for sure you gotta get the blood going yeah you know i fear god homie coming from a man like that in like a gangster accent though yo i fear god homie you know what i'm saying just i wait can you try doing it and saying only the lord can judge me i don't know no dude because i'll fuck that up all right all right you think that's good though i think i fear god homie is fantastic that's i mean you know where that comes from no dude hard knocks training camp oh dude deandre hopkins yeah got into like a little stuff a little scuffle with some dude yeah and he just like dude he literally just kept saying it he was like i fear god homie dog did you ever see hard as nails is that a porno no it's uh it's a documentary on hbo

about this pastor whose entire thing is like getting the shit beat out of him really and saying like jesus still loves you like people it's like pro wrestling someone will take like a metal chair hit him in the back and be like jesus loves you it sounds like a priest man it sounds like a priest that made me want to convert for a bit. I was like, dude, I mean, that's the scariest thing in the world. A pastor that's like, you can beat the shit out of me, and it will not rock my faith, and I will send you to jail if you fucking come step to me.

Yeah. Something about the Lord, dude. God, through all things. Through God, all things are possible. 100%. Beating the shit out of a buddy. Showing your nut to a stranger. As long as God's on your side, your balls are protected, brother.

I know, dude. It's just the perfect combination. Dude, I kind of want to start a wrestling match in a church. Really? Just dudes? Just dudes. It's only dudes, but it's like, you've got God-fearing dudes

and then the non-religious dudes. Like atheists? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to see who would win. On, like, uncontrolled wrestling? Like, no ref or anything? Guns. I'm thinking, I think guns should be involved. Here's the thing. You're fucking creating a gulag. Yes. You got it. You got it. Yeah, yeah. You play Call of Duty. I'm thinking I think guns should be involved I here's the thing this is you're fucking creating a gulag yes you got it you got it yeah yeah you play Call of Duty yeah I'm looking here's

something that I do think like I want to see wrestling with knives okay I think that if we introduce knives to like pro wrestling it would be so much more exciting I would love to see knife fights more often I feel like that's kind of a lost art yeah right like you think knives are like more sore like uh swords no knives i like swords are tough because what make like what's the difference between a knife and a sword really like length just like when does it become a sword you know what i'm saying like how oh that's a good question you know that you go into an arena they're like no knives it's like no problem you ever seen like fucking crocodile dundies knife dude that's not basically a sword yeah i i would like to see fights with knives that size and i'd like to see what people can do with it yeah i feel

like that's the truest form of fighting is knife fighting because punching everybody can punch maneuvering a knife and like getting somebody in the right way that's tough dude because you can't it's not like a sword where you can block it with your sword you got to really fucking move yeah and i think that's the scariest crazy dude if you just went all in too and just tried doing like a throwing knife and missed dog or even if you hit it dude like it's just like i as a kid i used to throw steak knives at the floor to make them stick or in the ceiling you ever do that? No, I never fucked with knives.

Oh, dude. Just baseball bats, dude. I've definitely kept the baseball bat in the trunk. My brother once chased me around with a butcher knife. Wow. And that was pretty scary. Yeah. And you can throw one of those into a wall pretty simply.

Yeah, I never fucked with knives, man, because I always just imagined what what would happen if like you accidentally killed someone there's really no coming back from that man you know no but you know what i feel like the same with swords and guns too i feel like yeah you know and and i don't want to brag or nothing but i think i can kill someone with my hands your bare hands yeah i think so i don't think it would be on punching but i don't think that would be sick man i think that if like the adrenaline kicked in in the right place, I could definitely fucking just be like, well, this is what I have to do right now. And it could be fun.

For sure, man. Just wrestling with somebody and getting a little too out of hand. See, I think that would be more entertaining just to watch two dudes go at it with their bare hands. I think that's true. I would like to see two guys that don't realize how strong they are. I want to see amateur fights. I'm tired of

UFC. I want to see two guys that have never fought before enter a ring and just see what happens. I think it would be a lot less climactic than you think, dude, because they would get tired so quickly. It would literally be like 20 seconds. Really? You think so? For sure, dude. If you go all out at something that you're not trained to do for like 20 seconds really you think so for sure dude if you go all

out at something that you're not trained to do for like 20 30 seconds dude you're fucking winded bro you know but the other guy is too and i think that's what makes it interesting that part would be intense where like you know when push comes to shove it's like who can yeah because i think because i've wrestled dude like i did a wrestling camp. I'd never wrestled before, but they invited me to this wrestling camp in summer. In my first practice, they were like, all right, we're doing live wrestling. They taught me two moves. Dude, after a minute, you're just going all out. And you're really not doing much.

I was just locked up with these fat dudes. After a minute, dude, no joke, I've never been that tired in my life. Really? I've been close to throwing up through conditioning and stuff. But, dude, just going all out, hand-to-hand combat, dude, it is a different level of, like, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally get why fat dudes give up in wrestling matches. Totally.

You know, they just get sit on. They're like, it's because they're fucking tired. Yeah. Like, they just can't breathe. Did you ever figure it out? Did you get good at it? No, I didn't. I didn't end up doing it.

That's all right. This dude just came into the weight room, like the wrestling coach, and was like, hey, man, we need, like, a heavyweight, like, you want to do? And I was like, I'll try it out, man. Yeah. You know? I want to wrestle. I want to box.

I really want to get into boxing. Yeah. That's the thing. And I feel like if you can box and you can, like, really get good at that, I think that that's got to be real powerful stuff. Yeah, I used to have this dude hold the pads for me on Friday mornings, and he used to fight. Yeah.

I think it was called CES MMA. Okay. I think it's right before the UFC. Yeah. But, yeah, man, it was sick because he would just hold the pads and show me what to do instead of going to an actual class. We had partnered with a lesbian or something. right right you know i've seen those videos but yeah man i would always start laughing i gotta just punch it yeah i feel like that's what's that's what's gonna make it so

interesting right you you're laughing at a guy and that's scarier than the nuts if you're laughing at a guy and then if you say i fear god homie and then just that's i mean you'll win that match dude absolutely i i want to see guys that have never fought before laughing at each other's throwing punches being like can you believe we're doing this until one breaks their nose well dude what you're describing takes place in a lot of backyards i feel like yes yes so you could honestly just go to someone's back that's why new york sucks dude we don't have backyards to fight our boys we really don't have backyards i think that's a problem i think if you did have more backyards i think it

would be more popular i think this is the best place to do it dude i think that's true you get the craziest people on the planet just here in miami you know yeah dude it's i've got a buddy with a backyard really yeah i think you would there's a lot of legal repercussions like what i don't know man if someone gets murdered like it's not murder uh let's be clear someone might die but it's not gonna be murder it'll be an accident it'll be manslaughter at best you just gotta figure out where to put the bodies and stuff you know yeah new york is a particularly hard place to find a body spot. I'm telling you that's where the death race vehicles would come in handy.

Yeah, dude. I never asked you, if you were building a death race vehicle, what would it be? Dude, I think I would go with a purple ice cream truck. Damn, you're thinking so far outside the box. I know, dude. But this is, dude, this thing would take at least 10 years to make. Purple ice cream truck with like a subwoofer system. Yep.

And then M60s planted to the top and on the insides. Okay. And then, dude, I would just drive around and I would blast like hardcore porn and then just throw frags out the sides okay you would just hear like oh and then like fucking cars blow up and shit you know i love that yeah because if you're gonna go out like a man that's the way to do it that's the way to do it dude excuse me i definitely uh i used to drive for uber and i definitely once or twice accidentally had porn playing through the speakers yeah because like you pick somebody up and switch the app to the internet or whatever

and it would just be like oh so you forgot to like delete your history not even delete my history forgot to close the tab like because you know look it's my phone who's gonna be doing it but like i'll never forget this beautiful woman was in the back of my car and she was just like i was taking her to a club she was like yeah scantily dressed and we were we were having like a really nice conversation we were like getting to know each other i was like damn this might be the woman this might be the thing this could be the time when it's like you know i was driving her home and i said here's your here's my number i really thought that and uh she was like well look this up and i went to the internet and my phone was connected to the speakers yeah and just

immediately it is porn and uh she was like you can drop me off here no way really uh she didn't get all the way to her it was a very awkward like yeah we probably have a porno it was no i'm regular it was nothing that's good man yeah i don't get into the weird shit i i can't just like a nice homemade like yeah you know yeah and i and maybe she knew the person maybe that's why she got so uncomfortable but like she was just like dead silent after that yeah and i was just like i am so sorry and she was like you can let me off she give you a rating at all or no yeah not a good one i definitely did not i mean it was one of the worst uh yeah the most embarrassing things that's

ever happened to me because i was so convinced i was like i think i'm gonna ask this woman out you had in the bag i thought i had it in the bag and you know what i guess i know though she doesn't put out if she was uncomfortable with the porn, that was almost like a gift from God, dude. Yeah, I guess I saved myself some time. Yeah. I went on a date this morning. Wow, like a coffee date? Yeah, 9 a.m. coffee date.

Wow, that sounds like the move, man. That sounds like fucking sick. It was cool. It was cool. Just through like Hinge or something? Yeah, one of the apps, I think. You don't even know what app it's from? Nah, I'm trying not to use the apps

but it was from the app yes i it was either hinge or tinder okay uh but like i'm trying really hard to meet women outside of the apps yeah and it's it's happened a few times it shows recently like a girl give me your number and then nothing happens uh but that's the way man it seems like the way but that's such a i have a hard time going out with a lady that i meet at a comedy show yeah it's got to be hard dude but it's i feel like it's the only way man it might be but i've never experienced it either but i feel like it's the only way it's i'm so new to it it's i've never done this before i did it once uh recently and it was cool but i was like this is a weird power dynamic I don't like. I'm the guy you paid to see.

Yeah, but she knows exactly who you are, though, afterwards. And that's what scares me. It's like, if you're dumb enough to be like, oh, you're the guy that does this, that, and the other, and you're going home with me. Oh, I mean, she's going to find out anyway. I guess that's true. I went home with a lady that lived in Hudson Yards. Where's that? Like, west midtown.

It's like, everybody there is super wealthy. I guess that's true. I went home with a lady that lived in Hudson Yards. Where's that? Like West Midtown. It's like everybody there is super wealthy. She had three bathrooms. They all had heated floors. It was so cool. There was like a bowling alley in her building. Holy fuck. A movie theater. Dude, she had a golf simulator.

I was hitting balls. What did she do for a living? She works something in Netflix. Okay. Yeah. And I'm kind of nervous to see what happens now oh you're still going after it no no but i think she's still into me dude and i feel like that's a thing where you just got to say you're busy most of the time but if you're getting bored one night it should be like let's get it i you know i'm i'm kind of in a place i've never been before dude where, where like I've got a roster.

I've never had this before where there are multiple women that are like, I want to have sex with you. This has never happened to me before. And it's overwhelming. It's not fun. I miss love. Yeah. I just want to be in love with a lady. I mean, you're doing like the basic white girl shit right now.

What do you mean? I just feel like every chick in new york city man they got the roster that they cycle through you know yeah yeah and i don't know i don't know what that's like man but that's got to be like it's not fun yeah it's not cool because at the end of the day it's like for being totally honest it's like i'm doing this just like you're not my ex-girlfriend yeah you're not my ex-girlfriend no and like i'm just i keep trying, you're not my ex-girlfriend. You're not my ex-girlfriend. I keep trying to have sex with my ex-girlfriend, and it's not happening. You think you could chase her back, dude?

I've done it four times. Really? Yeah, dude. You 0 for 4, dude? No, I'm 4 for 4. I mean, we've gotten back together every time, but I don't know if she'd come back now. It would be cool, But she had money. She was cool in bed, and she was real sweet.

You just got to go five for five, man. I chased her to Europe last time we did this dance. Oh, yeah, you told me about that. Yeah, and I can't do that again. I'm so broke, dog. I got, like, negative seven in the bank. That's the other thing. Women hate that about people.

I'm going to be honest with you, man. I have no money. The only person I'm texting right now is my mom. That's all right. But I'm still spanking, dude. Oh, make no mistake. I'm still spanking. I'm happy, dude.

I think that rips. We're going to find you a lady this year, dude. No joke, man. I've just been playing golf, jerking off, and telling dick jokes. Yeah. And I want to do that for the rest of my life, dude. I think that's kind of, yeah, I do understand. The only thing that makes me upset is feeling content with that.

You know what I mean? Because I'm not getting any roast beef out there, but there's got to be a tradeoff. You know what I'm saying? There's got to be a tradeoff, but you don't have to feel guilty for being content i think that's like a big misconception i almost feel like a closeted homosexual though you know what i'm saying why because you're i feel like after a certain point if you don't get it like pussy by a certain like landmark yeah it's like dude what are you doing so i had that happen to me when i was 18 really i mean that's that doesn't even count dude well so i because i got laid three times when i was 17 yeah and it was the coolest thing that ever

yeah so i was 17 when i lost when i i first had sex yeah and i had sex with three people when i was 17 and then i didn't get laid for a year i freaked out i was like oh shit am i gay and then i went and paid for sex and uh as soon as i nutted i was like not gay just haven't gotten laid and uh yeah so it's not all that bad as long as you're not doing that you can save yourself some money yeah man it's just like you know i just feel like i'm not really missing out on anything you're not i kind of know i'm not missing out on anything no dude you got a beautiful dog it's almost like sometimes you just got to get pussy to just tell know, just show the boys that you're not gay. You know what I mean? But you can do that.

Or I could just be the first dude ever to, like, come out of the closet for, like, not getting pussy. Okay. You know what I mean? I do, I do. So, break that down. How would that conversation go? I'll just come out and people will be like, why? And I'll be like, dude, I just couldn't get pussy. Okay, alright.

Yeah, great. You know? Yeah, yeah dude that'll be a first for sure people won't even know how to react man no dude i would be confused as hell it's like wait so you're coming out so you're gay no no i just can't get pussy yeah okay so what are you coming out from oh no i'm just coming out it's the only other option like what else are you coming out from? Oh, no, I'm just coming out, dude. It's the only other option. It's the only other option. Like, what else are you going to do? Coming out as what? The guy who doesn't get pussy?

That's the thing, man. Like, if I'm, like, I'm either not getting laid or I'm smashing, like, dime pieces. Yes. You know what I'm saying? I do know what you mean. I'm having sex with, like, doctors, you know? Whoa. That was the last one, dude.

You had sex with a doctor? I had sex with a doctor, dude. Do you know what kind of doctor she was? Pediatric with a doctor sex with a doctor do you know what kind of doctor she was pediatrician dude whoa yeah bro here no in boston man fuck straight up fucking roast beef sandwich brother dude all full arby's brother it was fucking our arby's before it opened whoa you know dude yeah yeah yeah so it liquidy still. It hasn't congealed into the meat. Yeah, it just felt all natural, dude. That's huge. What happened?

I mean, dude, she lived in Boston, man. I think she found out that I'm like retarded and stuff. You know, we're just kind of parted ways, dude. You can't be talking to some chick from Boston, dude, you know? I feel you. Have you met any women here? No, man. You know, I have no money, dude.

I understand that. I'm telling dick jokes and fart jokes i understand i got nothing to offer dude you do don't let yourself you can't be down on yourself like this you have because you're funny that's what people have been telling me man for a while now yeah i know it's been going on for so long brother it took me 10 years of being told i was funny to realize i could get laid because of it yeah you're You're good, dude. Yeah. No, it'll happen, man. I'm just like, like I said, I'm not even worried about it, dude. You don't have to be.

Like as long as I'm spanking, dude, playing Xbox, golfing, telling dick jokes. Yep. And I'm telling you, dude, I'm going deep in on the dick jokes right now. Yeah. Dicks, cum. I'm big on cum jokes. I've got a lot of cum material. A lot of cum jokes.

Yeah. And then tits. Yeah. All that, but I'm going like lot of cum material. A lot of cum jokes. Yeah. And then tits. Yeah. All that, but I'm going really deep into it. I don't think I've ever gone deep on tits, but I've gone very deep on spanking. I've gone very deep on cum. Really? When I recorded an album, I had one goal.

I didn't want it to be good. I didn't care what it was. I wanted to say cum eight times. Wow, that's not even a lot. No, it's not a lot. Yeah. I got to ten. I don't want to brag or nothing, but yeah, man.

I think talking about cum is the funniest thing in the world. It's a perfect word. It's heavy on the consonants. And everybody's doing it. You got to try tits out, man. Tits. Oh. I got a joke right now I'm working on about how powerful tits are.

Yeah. And I'm just surprised they don't have a superhero movie where the supervillain is a pair of tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Godzilla-sized pair of tits yeah like a godzilla size pair of tits dude you should write it yeah i'm working on it dude yeah like you know nobody nobody can take out the super like no dude can take it out no it's just a bunch of dudes every time they get close it's like oh they just come exactly dude that's so fucking funny dude it's come and tits yeah yeah yeah yeah that's so funny yeah yeah dog you're gonna get laid that's what

i'm saying though about the levels yes levels to this shit man i do understand i do understand man you're playing 40 chess dude yeah dude i get it saying that to a woman though just like you know but it'll be saying what to a woman like describing what like just telling a woman what i just told you in confidence like there's gonna be a woman that that that gets it and is is gonna yeah she's gonna love you and she's gonna love those tit jokes she's gonna love cum jokes my last girlfriend we would talk about cum all the time real yeah dude like when we first met we would play never have i ever is that why is that why you parted ways though no no that was what locked us in i think yeah she oh we were playing would you rather and like this was day two of dating and she was like would you rather drink a cup of your dad's cum or xyz yeah and i was like oh i love you yeah i love you if you're talking about my dad's

cum i love you that's sick dude yeah dude if you really want to get into my heart just mention my dad's cum well can i ask why you guys parted ways? Yeah, sure. I don't know. Really? Yeah. I mean, she's always like, I can't do it. I can't do it.

And I'm like, all right. And then she'll get drunk and call me at midnight, and then we'll play house for a week. That's got to be exciting, though, dude. Dude, it's the most exciting thing. It is. Fuck it. though dude dude it's the most exciting thing it is fuck it there's no i've been trying to make this work on stage and it can't but like there's nothing more exciting in a relationship than someone who is always about to leave all the time yeah that's the edge of your seat dude yeah it

fucking rips and now i'm just dating all i'll go out with a nice lady and i'm like be mean to me yeah man that's what i don't know, man. I feel like I'm too mature sometimes. I wish I could go back into that like fucking, you know, Sex and the City type life, you know? Dude, have you watched Sex and the City? I've jerked off to it, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've done that.

But if you watched it. No. I just binged the whole thing. It fucking rips, dude. For real? Yes. I watched all of it, including the movies and the reboot. You know what i used to

watch dude was um was that witch show you ever watched that the witches are way really bad oh no i didn't uh but i watched entourage you watch entourage no bro i feel like sex in the city would kind of be like charmed though she's like a bunch of chicks right it's a bunch of chicks but they're they're doing cool shit they're having sex yeah what about gossip girl you ever get into that i want to that's next on my list gossip girl is anything that's like shot in new york city um because like i can always be like so this is where the hot people hang out right like dude i i saw what they were doing on sex in the city and i was like well i gotta get to the upper east side now that's where they're filming it or they did that's where they're they're supposed to live i guess but they're all so fucking hot and horny oh my god

these women are horny dude just key up the fucking playlist in the car dude just wait man i do have this shitty toyota that i'm driving right now and if i can put on vanessa carlton and just hang out on 72nd street it's got to be at least one chick who's gonna stop and talk to you i think so i do that like dude you know what i i saw some crazy shit a few months ago yeah one of my best friends uh he fucking hollered at a lady on the street and she came over and they talked and made out and it was the wildest shit i've ever seen shit he was like she was crossing the street and he just yells like hey can i talk to you and she was like sure and then we all went to a bar and they wound up making out good looking dude though i guess he doesn't look that different from you dude wow i think that that that y'all look kind of similar

yeah yeah he doesn't have a mustache i think the mustache is gonna do you a favor yeah but other than that yeah yeah, dude. That would be funny, dude, if me and you tried doing that, and once we got to that moment, I whipped out my left nut. You were like, yo, this is the one. Yeah, dude. I didn't tell you I was going to do it the whole time yeah oh man i think that that that might be how you find how we find wives yeah i feel like any woman that can put up with one

left man dude just two hot chicks they're like who are you with right now i'm like dude i got my boy in the car yeah and i'm in there with my pulling my nuts out just getting ready you're like dude this is the best day ever man it could be it's not too i mean the sun's still out right now we can still make it happen dude i mean we can go over to toodles in french see what's going on over there just post up yeah dude i mean that part of queens they've got people you know and i'm not picky that's all we need man i'm trying so hard trying so hard to find a lady that'll deal with my nut. Dude, we'll figure it out, man. But holy shit.

Dude. Is that it? Yeah, no, it was flying by, dude. Oh, shit. All right. We're like 20 minutes over, but. Oh, really? Fucking who cares?

No, I didn't mean that a bad way, dude. I just wasn't paying attention. Nah, dude. Life's too good, man. Dude, it was good to see you bro you too man and we're gonna get so fucking laid dog dude me and you man this is it dude yeah from spank to skanks dude we're gonna fucking get some fine ladies they're gonna we're gonna make dinner for them that's all you need is a wingman dude it's true i've only had shitty wingman yeah is my problem every wingman, dude. It's true. I've only had shitty wingmen is my problem. Every wingman I've ever taken out with me

has gotten laid when I don't. Yeah. But, I'm just afraid to talk to women. I just want to read my books and fucking hide. No, we'll be all right, dude. We'll be all right.

We'll be great. It was good to talk to you, man. It was so good. You're the best. You got anything coming up, dude? When's this coming out? Probably like tomorrow. Okay.

I'll be in Williamsburg, Virginia on August 30th. Fuck yeah, dude. And then Pittsburgh, September 6th and 7th. Hell yeah, man. And I've got an album out that you can listen to wherever you listen to albums. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, dog.

What about you? What you got coming up? Dude, I got nothing coming up but this, dude. This fucking episode, dude. This is the episode, bro. I love it. This is it. I love it.

Thank you so much, dog. Thank you, bro. You're the best. Fuck yeah, dude.