The Johnny Salami Podcast - Maya Manion
Episode Date: June 21, 2020Maya Manion joins us on this episode of the podcast. Maya is easily one of the funniest female comics in all of New England. We talk about everything from coping with the loss of a loved one, to me we...aring my moms tights as an adolescent.
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Welcome to another episode of the Johnny Salami podcast.
Today's guest is the first female guest, Maya Mannion.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate you coming.
So what's been going on?
My dad died three weeks ago.
It's a good start.
I was thinking about it.
I'm like, you know, that bacon of the Month Club wasn't in stone.
I could have gotten them, I don't know, right before Father's Day.
So that's been going on in my life.
I'm going to try really hard not to cry in the middle of this.
That's what I'm...
It's okay.
Yeah.
I'm not good with crying, honestly, so I'll probably...
Tap out?
I'll probably just run away.
Yeah.
Okay. No, I saw it. That's what everyone else did. Yeah. I'm not good with crying, honestly, so I'll probably just run away.
No, I saw it. That's what everyone else did.
No, when I saw it happen, I was like, obviously I wasn't going to ask you directly to come on the podcast,
but I figured this would cheer you up a little bit.
Yeah.
Or just make you cry even more.
I think either way.
It's a risky situation, you know what I mean?
It is.
I can hold it together.
It's probably going to make it worse, but no.
I was like, can hold it together yeah I was like it's probably gonna make it worse but no I was like wow okay yeah but I mean when the quarantine hit like what how did it affect like comedy for you like were you sad about that kind of were you kind of like I need
I needed this break I needed the break um I have three kids and I work full-time and was doing
comedy like quite a bit and um you know i would like jump in my car
you know throw dinner together and drive you know to wherever and i was doing like i was on a roll
with comedy doing it a lot and when uh when the pandemic first started i was like oh sweet like
i have never had a break like this in my life from work. And I was hanging out with my kids and like,
it didn't hit me.
I didn't realize what an introvert I was or what an extrovert I wasn't.
Um,
I really loved it and I was just living my best life watching the golden
girls getting paid like a grand a week and eating.
Wow.
And yeah,
it was like for me,
it was the dream and I was considering it my retirement actually.
Cause I'm like, there's, I'm not going to have a retirement probably.
Yeah.
So I really was embracing it and I didn't realize how hard it was for like my mother who's such a recluse would come over all the time.
It was actually the worst part.
And she was just like, oh my God.
I'm like, what?
Like you're home anyway like for me it was awesome
i was like you know but i was like the worst part about it was that she knew where i was all the
time yeah and i just my mission in life is just to avoid my mother and she just would come over
and she i was like fuck you know like she just knows where i am. What about you? Are you? Honestly, nothing really changed.
Which is, like, the sad part, you know?
Like, a lot of people were going nuts.
Yeah.
I mean, like, my sister's phone just broke.
And, like, it was, like.
The end of the world.
I thought, like, three of our neighbors were, like, launching bow and arrows at her house.
Like, that's literally what it was like.
Sure.
You know, just screaming, like, I can't handle this.
Yeah. And then, for me, it was just, it was just like i just realized like i'm always alone regardless
so like i i loved it yeah but i mean in terms of comedy it kind of hurt a little bit because i
think before i was kind of like starting to get a little more motivated like my self-esteem went
from like here to like here you know what i'm saying like i was fucking crushing it so like yeah i was finally like i was like kind of like
not being lazy anymore like actually getting out to uh to boston and stuff and just expressing you
know my retardation like really thoroughly nice so i think it was paying off a little bit and then
it just kind of stopped so i was like i wasn't that upset but it wasn't like
uh it wasn't like life change it was kind of just like you know i'm usually by myself anyway so yeah
so you like with your retardation amount do you mean like um that you're just writing more honestly
and like just kind of yeah and it was the crowd and people were responding to it people were like
this is what we want to hear yeah yes isn't that like when you're somebody told me once uh this
headliner i we were just shooting the shit in the green room and laughing so hard and then i went on
stage and i was like this is i don't know like 10 years ago i was like i am a mom and it is funny i
drive a minivan he was like what the fuck was that he's like what we were having so much fun he's like
you went up there like like you were at a parent teacher conference or something yeah but i was
literally talking about my purse and i had like a cuisinart bleed the attachment to the vacuum cleaner a
tampon applicator like all this shit i was like look at me i'm a disaster and he's like people
want to see your purse yeah i was like no no i can't show them my purse he's like show them the
purse he's like you're a fucking mess that's funny yeah and when you really like the the metaphor for
the bottom of your purse like when you show people who like the piece of shit that you really, like the metaphor for the bottom of your purse, like when you show people who, like the piece of shit that you really are,
and when you can just...
Face off, yeah.
Yeah.
It's effortless, too.
It really is.
It's really effortless.
Isn't that funny?
Yeah.
Mike Hanley told me that, too.
He's like, just when you just become yourself.
Yeah.
Like Stevie Ray Vaughan said, it took me 20 years to play like me.
Like, you can just bare your soul
yeah I like I think I realized that like when I was younger but it was always hard to like follow
through with just because like I mean with comedy like you can get you can have a great crowd one
night and then the next night it's just like a bunch of like 70 year olds and you're just like
yeah like people are having heart attacks like right on the spot and it's just like a bunch of like 70 year olds and you're just like yeah like people are having heart attacks like right on the spot and it's like you know it's it's confusing but i don't know
everybody has their own approach you know what i mean so for me it was just like i just feel like
people laugh the most when i'm just like yeah like you know people think you know i have an
extra chromosome and it's like it's just effortless you know what i mean yeah no i'm a mess and it's
like if you're just
honest with yourself but isn't it crazy too like like the crowd doesn't know you they have no idea
who you are yeah and they can tell when you're being full of shit yeah or you're not being
authentic and it's like and those times that you are your real self that's you know and and you do
that for me it's like when I'm tired or hung over and i just can't be full
of shit that's when i have i had the best sets because it's just like i just i couldn't even be
fucked to try to be something i'm not right now yeah and even if you even if you are yourself
and nobody laughs i think it's hilarious yeah yeah yeah if i'm watching a friend bomb and
they're being their self i think that's the best feeling in the world. Honestly, like. And, like, yeah.
Watching your friends eat it when they're just baring their soul is just like.
There's nothing better than it.
It's like hot chocolate.
You suck.
Idiot.
Yeah, it's fucked up, but it's like.
Yeah, we're terrible.
Yeah.
But it is because it's like it's the situation, like how crazy it is.
Like that's when, when like fat people falling or
i don't know you know what i mean it's like it's like yeah yeah like i uh i remember doing a show
with like a rap concert and i like had to go to therapy afterwards so it was like traumatic
and uh like i literally had to go to therapy and uh i had lost my job and uh the same week i had
like gone to that show at like a rap concert where you went to a rap concert it was like a
legitimate rap concert and they invited me to do a set so like right in the middle of the rap concert
they were like hey everyone like this fat kid's gonna do comedy for you and everyone was like
what the fuck like people were like smashing bottles like screaming at each other what rapper was it it was like it was like
imagine like you know like comedy how you can like bring people you know you do bringer shows and
there's usually a good amount of people there yeah so there was like 250 people there like a hundred
of the people i probably knew from like high school or something like they knew who i was
jesus but then there was like another 150 people who were there to just like see other rappers,
like, you know, like chase their dream and stuff.
So like, I mean, when you, when you mix comedy with rap, it really like, especially my comedy.
Wait, was it a talent show?
Like why would they bring you up?
What was the, I think they just thought like I would bring people maybe, um, me and me
and this other kid were from the same town.
Oh, soul-crushing story.
The only reason I went was because they said I could have a walkout song,
so I was going to walk out to Dancing Queen by ABBA,
and that was like my dream.
And I didn't get a walkout song.
But, I mean, long story short, I traumatically bombed for 10 minutes.
Oh, no.
How old were you?
I think I was 20.
No, I was 22.
Jesus. Yeah. That's awful. i went to therapy because i had lost my job and done that and i was already fucked up as it is and my therapist left me
did you tell her that story and she was like i can't i thought we were hitting it off well my
mom because my like my mom brought me to therapy like when my dad died and
like we had a woman for a therapist yeah and it went like pretty well because like i guess like
women can relate to women easier like she was just like yeah if i was talking to a guy like i wouldn't
like it wouldn't go well so my mom was like yeah like you need to find like a guy therapist like i
guarantee you it'll pay off so like i started like calling like the back of the insurance
card because that's how you get like free therapy or whatever and uh they hooked me up with this
therapist named Daryl and so I assumed it was a guy but it was actually a smoke show like this
chick was like a nine out of ten and uh d-a-r-y-l like Daryl Hannah yeah wow and I was just like I
was waiting in the waiting room and she was was like, oh, are you John?
And I was, like, I, like, turned around.
It was just, like, this absolute smoke show.
And, like, I was just myself around her.
Like, I was, like, trying not to get distracted.
Like, honestly, I wasn't even thinking about how hot she was because she was, like, that, like, professional.
And then, like, one day, I think I had, like, a few sessions with her, like, four or five.
And she kind of helped me out, I guess.
Like there was still some things I needed to work on.
But I remember being at work one day and just like, I was like, fuck this, man.
I can't do this anymore.
And I just called to like schedule an appointment.
And I was like, can I get in like this week or next week?
And the secretary was like, yeah, like Daryl's no longer accepting clients.
And I was like, but I am a client.
She's like, yeah, we're not accepting. Just not you we're not just named john zicky i knew something was up jesus yeah
but that's fucked up who does that i don't know it might have been something i said like i really
to this day i don't know she's a therapist like that's her job to listen to weird yeah but you
can only like you can only say it like i i figured like there was like the confidential agreement so like if i wanted to kill myself i could be like yeah like i'm thinking
about driving through a dunk of donuts after this with like a boner and they'd be like and they'd be
like yeah like we're not gonna tell anyone but like if you like if you have intentions of ending
it like then they'll like they'll call like the hospital oh so she was like oh like have you ever
thought about killing yourself and i was like who hasn't right like every day you know what i mean yeah and she was like do you have plans
though like have you sketched out a plan and i was like not really no like i mean i've had ideas
you know but i haven't i haven't been like this is what i'm gonna do on this day this is how i'm
gonna do it right and she was like good because like if you did tell us that like i'd have to
like escort you out of here and i was like oh shit i just don't understand
conventional therapy i really don't i went to this hypnotherapist two weeks ago and it totally
changed my life really it was the coolest thing i've ever done like they actually like put you to
sleep yeah really well i was like semi-conscious uh i guess i don't really quite remember all of
it but um my friend don zolo do you know don i know don yeah he got it for me
so he went to my dad's like came up and he recommended him to me um yeah he like paid for
it and everything and and uh i was having panic attacks like i couldn't i couldn't eat i couldn't
sleep i was a complete mess and um i was like i just i can't live like this like
i have three kids and um i couldn't get a breath you know i was like popping valium and i stopped
drinking but i started drinking again like when i was in vermont just because i just couldn't deal
with it so i went to one six and a half hour session with this guy named avi it felt like 45
minutes though he got he literally got rid of all my childhood
trauma like everything I've just been walking around with that sucks um but you know you just
tell yourself you can tell yourself until you're blue in the face like it's not my fault and
you try to get rid of it but you can't and he literally every time I told him a story he's like
okay then breathe it out and you know basically just like
it sounds gay but like shit not that way I'm old I'm just ignorant and old I'm canceling myself
ah fucking cares I apologize I was born in the 70s yeah we'll write a letter I'm an old ignorant
lady I don't mean it um my dad died fuck off so it's it sounds silly that um that I would uh
that that it works but it's like you just kind of I don't know I remember telling him what happened
and then he had me like like hug my like inner child that had that happened at that time
tuck her away and then breathe out
all the bad stuff yeah and every single time i did it i felt lighter and i've never felt better
about anything like i could just focus on my the death of my father um but it it changed like my
whole life i was i was a mess and i couldn't sleep, literally panic attacks. And I haven't had
any of that. I can sleep. Yeah. And, um, I had a panic attack. It was the coolest thing I've ever
done for myself or in my life. Yeah. Um, but my dad hung himself, so it's just so much different.
Yeah. But so it was six hours and it felt like 45 minutes 45 minutes like at tops he's the coolest
guy that's insane yeah and i've done conventional therapy and i was like i don't think it's gonna
work you know you talk to someone for an hour and then it's just there and then you have it's there
until you go back the next week and then it's still there and you're still fucked up and it's
like i just needed something that was just going to, I was like, I just need to get through the day.
Yeah, that's awesome.
Because like my, when I went, it was kind of like, I imagined it being like goodwill hunting.
And it's the like, it's the exact opposite.
Let the healing begin.
Yeah.
So you think like your therapist will have all the answers and it's, you know.
I have too many friends who are therapists to really believe in it.
I'm like, how do you help anyone?
You're batshit.
I remember going.
Obviously, just me being me, I was like, this probably isn't going to work.
I told her that.
I was like, I'm just here because my mom doesn't want me to drive through a gas tank.
I just let it rip. I was like you know like i fucking hate chad's like basically told her like my life story which i had like never
really told anyone and she was like laughing i'm like why are you laughing right now like aren't
you supposed to like not laugh and like honestly like not a lot of it helped yeah i mean not a lot
of it helped like there was there was like she was telling me about the suicide thing and she was like she made like a few suicide jokes which
were pretty funny i was like yeah that's actually kind of funny but like she was like yeah like if
you have you know if you have like dead bodies in the back of your car right now like that's fine
you know just let me know and i was like okay like what the fuck dude i open up really i'm
telling you my life story you know what i mean maybe next next session i can get into that i mean i guess just like doing comedy like
you're just kind of fucked up that way in the head like you have to joke about stuff
yeah so i was trying to like make light of it i can really make light of a lot of things
yeah honestly like she would just like make these analogies about like buses and stuff
because i was like i was like yeah like i feel like i have to be myself all the time you know like i feel weird if i'm like not being myself you know like
i feel like i constantly have to talk about farts and just like make people laugh or like i'll go
insane right and she was like well like you know like everyone has like their own you know different
personalities like coping mechanism yeah she's like so whoever's driving the bus you know who's
driving the bus you know like angry drop angry john might be driving the bus and i was like what the fuck dude like what are we third fucking grade yeah is this that
fucking movie like oh there yeah there was a a simile that was like about depression um like uh
basically on meds and off meds when you're off meds you're in the passenger seat of someone
driving erratically and you just can't stop it yeah and then when you're on meds it's like you're
just driving with so you're driving next to somebody who's who can drive yeah you know it's
like i don't know they have like all these analogies the only one that really paid off for
me was like she mentioned like energy like what are you going to spend your you know like what
are you going to exert your energy on and i was i kind of thought about it i was like yeah like i do it like waste a lot of
time like on certain things that i could just kind of like avoid you know what i mean like why would
i put time into this if it's not really going to pay off especially like conversations like i don't
even i've never really argued with anyone like i've never been talkative so if like someone's
like trying to argue with me i'll just be like yeah you're right like yeah because i just don't have like i don't want to spend my energy like arguing with
someone yeah and uh that was my marriage like totally i was like yeah you're absolutely right
i guess i've done that differently yeah that's why i don't like using like facebook and stuff
like that like granted some people use the right way but it's almost like people like
it's like someone's you're like fishing like people like fishing for like trouble and it's
just like yeah if you just ignore that person, like that's going to hurt them more
than if you actually respond.
Yeah.
And nobody's ever going to change their mind.
No one ever goes into like a Facebook battle with an open mind being like, maybe I can
learn something here.
Yeah.
Maybe, you know what?
My opinion on this has changed.
Thank you.
It's just like, they just want to put their thoughts into the universe.
So yeah.
And it's just like, I'd rather, rather just be like in the woods somewhere you know i'd rather be outside me too i think that
that was like that was good about the quarantine is more you saw so many people go outside for once
yeah it was like pokemon go like when kids actually got outside you know but then they're
getting hit by cars like all these little saints because i'm outside all the time and like if i
see a bunch of people i just get kind of like paranoid i'm like oh what are these people doing
here yeah um but usually it's just like just me but like as of recently there's been like a lot Like if I see a bunch of people, I just get kind of like paranoid. I'm like, oh, what are these people doing here? Yeah.
But usually it's just like just me.
But like as of recently, there's been like a lot of people going outside, which is kind of cool, honestly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like in terms of therapy, I was just like I was freaking out.
So I was like, if I'm at work all day, like I have to like be another person to succeed.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I think it would just be cooler just to be like a comic all the time. But obviously that's not realistic yeah you know yeah i think it's weird like i'm i'm a much uh yeah i
am a much better writer than i am a performer and i enjoy it more so i did like in the beginning of
the quarantine like before my dad died i was uh like writing a lot and it was actually people
like wow you're really good at this quarantine shit i was
like yeah because i'm not i'm not having a problem i just think it's funny like it's not funny i was
really i was actually paranoid about actually getting coronavirus oh really oh my god like
i have asthma so does my son i was like oh my god we're both gonna die and then my kids will be
stuck with their dad i'm like oh my god i was spraying my mail and now I'm like licking doorknobs.
I'm like,
I don't give a fuck about that anymore.
I've totally like,
whatever,
like good.
Um,
but I mean,
I still take precautions.
I wear masks and stuff for other people cause I care about people's
grandmothers and shit.
But like that has totally shifted.
Yeah.
So,
but I really was,
I was paranoid,
but I really was enjoying just hanging out with my kids and doing nothing
cause I just don't get to do that. Um, but I feel like, I was paranoid, but I really was enjoying just hanging out with my kids and doing nothing because I just don't get to do that.
But I feel like, I feel like it killed my dad because he, my dad was a builder and I'm
from Vermont and he used to tell me all the time that he wouldn't build family, young
families, houses in the middle of Vermont because the suicide rate in Vermont is so
high because of isolation in the winter of Vermont because the suicide rate in Vermont is so high because of
isolation in the wintertime. So, yeah. So I guess, uh, he's like, people need to be around people.
Um, or at least know they can be. And he's like, and if I have a young family, especially
like after nine 11, they would come up to Vermont and build these, you know, houses on these huge
pieces of land. And my dad was like, you think it's romantic, you know,
an idea to live in Vermont, but you don't know what it's really like.
And kids need to be around kids and people need to be around people
or people kill themselves.
And I remembered him saying that.
And I was like, that's why my dad was such a social person
and such a worker.
And he was all about, like we called him Mr. Krabs, you know,
he was always like money, money, money, money, money, you know.
And he just, he, but because he loved taking care of us yeah and i think when that
was taken away from him and he didn't i think he didn't think financially like he's like you know
like i'm not gonna be able to recover from this i really think that the combination of all that
just was too much and um i don't know but his isolation up there like i don't know is that bad
in vermont is it
is it worse than like maine or is it kind of like the same depend on where you live you know like
i'm from uh i'm from a ski town i'm from stowe vermont so it's like uh you know very social very
like um like i live in newport now it's kind of like newport in the mountains oh you live in
newport now i do yeah i've been there for a long time. So it's like, it's just a very touristy, very busy part.
But there are like rural parts of Vermont
where your next neighbor is, you know,
four or five miles away.
Yeah.
And those are the places that like young families
wanted to build.
My dad was like, I won't do it
because it's not good for people.
Yeah, so is it primarily just like farming building or?
What he did? the in the area like um no like not many people are farmers anymore it was just
you could get people from new york could get a lot of land for so much less money so they would
build these houses and they'd be like oh look at all i have like five acres of land but he's like
yeah but you don't live near anybody. Yeah.
So like what are you going to do if your kids want to play with somebody or you want to see somebody?
He's like, you're not going to like it.
Yeah.
I mean, that makes sense because, I mean, Vermont's like the number one hub
in the United States for like drugs, right?
Like importing drugs.
Yeah, because it's so close to like Canada and probably and like there's a lot of
meth and heroin and stuff like that. Yeah. In New York, there's a lot of, there's a lot of meth and heroin and stuff like that.
Yeah.
In New York.
There's a lot of.
I didn't realize there was so, there's so much though, honestly.
Yeah.
I forgot where I like read that.
I barely know how to read.
So I was like, I remember reading that and I'd just be like, wow, like Vermont.
Yeah.
Like, I know like obviously Cape Cod's pretty bad, um, with heroin and stuff.
Yeah.
I know Alaska, Alaska is pretty bad because of the isolation but same
thing like yeah alaska is huge though so it makes sense but like vermont's kind of just like
vermont is um there's a lot well actually it's funny because there's a newport vermont
which is like drug capital of the universe and a complete shithole so sometimes i'll go back to
yeah because it's really close to canada too total shithole like oh my god and um
so when sometimes i'll go home and like like a few people like so what's it like up in newport
i'm like oh my god i don't live in fucking newport vermont like i live in newport rhode island like
oh jesus we were wondering like god it's not that bad that happened a few times like
please tell people that i don't live in fucking newport vermont but i mean newport or island just like a bunch of white kids pretty much you'd be surprised there's actually
like there's tons of black people in newport near like near like rogers in that area um
yeah all over really they're everywhere i just i've only been to obviously like the comedy
festival to watch yeah yeah and uh they like to watch ducky
i remember going there to watch and like they would have us like sell tickets and like every
person i talked to was just like nah man i'm white and rich and i was like all right take it easy
but i don't think they were from they were probably just visiting there's probably a lot
of tourists obviously regular people i'm broke i live in newport um i just that's where i got pregnant and had kids
yeah and i don't know it's a nice area though it's great i love it because i mean you're not
too far from narragansett either right no it's kind of like the bridge right there yeah i don't
go there but yeah it's there once you're like once you're on newport like once you're on
aquitinic island it's you got to really be motivated to like oh there's bridges but I mean
before I would obviously
drive a lot for comedy
but
no yeah there's like all kinds of I think people have
a and all the
comics too from New York would all talk about like
well you guys are all white and
rich I'm like fucking not
though like yeah we don't even know those people yeah rich. I'm like, fucking not, though. Yeah.
We don't even know those people.
You can always go along with it.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I'm totally rich.
Everything's going great.
Yeah.
Killing it.
It's kind of crazy what people,
their first judgment call is.
Yeah, and fair enough.
It makes sense.
Yeah, like for this podcast,
people are like, oh, you have a studio?
I'm like, dude, I'm at my mom's house.
Yeah, but yeah, I have a studio.
Yeah, sure, sure, why not?
Even about comedy, people are like, oh, like, you famous yet?
I'm like, dude, I'm doing open mics, bro.
What are you talking about?
You just get famous overnight, you know?
I didn't even have internet for so long.
Like, are you famous?
I'm like, I don't know.
Maybe in like another dimension, but right now, no.
No, hard no, no.
But like when did, what was it like like when you were growing up
though like so you grew up in vermont so like compared to now like when you see kids now are
you kind of like because i see you as like the hilarious mom you know what i mean like i would
i would just want to like know what your thoughts are like if you're talking to like an asshole kid
like so is that like what you think though like if kids aren't like my age are you just like this
kid's fucking dick or it's just like no no not at all you just kind of like give it like how long does it take before you're like
all right this kid this kid you personally no no like just like kids my age in general like if you
were talking to us or like watching us would you be like is it like 15 30 seconds where you're like
yeah you can tell us i think in anybody in general like if they suck but um i like i love my kids
friends like they they're pretty cool yeah Yeah. They're all so cool.
Like they're, and I've always really enjoyed, uh, they are, what would you say?
I was just thinking, cause like, I remember when I was younger, like I was always like
the quiet kid.
Yep.
So like all of my friends' parents, like we're just like, oh, there's like John, like the
mute kid.
But like at sleepovers, like sometimes they would hear like what I actually said and they'd
like have like aneurysms.
You know what I mean?
Always the quiet ones. Yeah. So it's funny. Like when parents are like, oh, I love my, like what I actually said. They'd like have like aneurysms. You know what I mean? Always the quiet ones.
Yeah.
So it's funny like when parents are like, oh, I love my like my kids friends.
And it's like, I wonder what they're actually like.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
No, I love my.
I mean, there's the ones that I didn't like got, you know, I'm like, no, I had a no fly
list again.
You know, I'm like, no, don't have this kid over.
Like, even if he pissed me off, like ask me for batteries or extra like juice boxes.
I'm like, fuck that kid.
I can't deal with them.
You know, like there's my Lego ship. I'm like, cool. Bye. I can't deal with them. You know, like this is my Lego ship.
I'm like, cool.
Bye.
You know, like I had you over to not bother me.
Like, so my son, but it was funny too.
Like if my kids, I didn't want a kid to come back.
I, they would be like, Hey, go show my mom that drawing or go show her that Lego ship.
You know, I'm like, so you don't want them to come over again.
You know, they're like, should just kick him out oh my god there's this one kid who was like would tell on himself
all the time he's like my mom told me not to watch spongebob or i'm not allowed to have sugar
and i shouldn't have chips and i just put like a big bowl of sugar and some chips and turn on
spongebob i'm like tell your mom you know like this is what's up this is what we do it over here
yeah right and i'm like and you're dropping your kid off in my house like clearly that's a terrible parenting
call i don't give a shit whatever yeah um so i don't know no i i think pretty pretty early on
you can tell if a kid's a little dickhead yeah you can see it in their eyes totally yeah shifty
like the ones i don't trust i'm like I don't want that kid over here again.
Yeah.
I was always like that kid.
Like you look, you kind of like felt bad for me because I had like double D's.
Like I was a thick boy.
Didn't brush my hair.
Like you could tell I was, I was pretty messed up.
But like most parents, I kind of felt bad for me.
Yeah.
But they didn't know I was like drawing dicks, you know, and like lighting shit on fire.
You know what I mean?
So it was kind of like.
I just assume most boys are doing that boys are such little weirdos you heard some of the conversations
like guys had like when they're by themselves it's the same with girls though like i had brothers
you know so like girls are like oh like you guys are so perverted but it's like if i like listened
in on a girl sleepover like i'd lose at least five years of my life yeah you know definitely girls are i don't know
different boys are just like oh god like boys are just it's funny with boys like
okay so at easter you know those peeps you know that the peep yeah yeah um like my boys heard that
or saw on youtube that if you microwave peeps, it'll make a huge explosion in the microwave and what? Right.
Yeah. So they said to my daughter and they had some boy cousins over and they were like, yeah, we're going to do that.
And my daughter was like, why would you do that? Like, mom's going to get pissed. You're going to ruin the microwave.
Like she goes, you saw it on YouTube. You know what's going to happen. We need to see it we need to see it she's like why though you're gonna ruin the microwave mom's gonna like
come down and take all our candy and lose her shit and they were like yeah but we still gotta
see it she's like i don't i don't understand she's like all right and of course exactly that
happened i heard like boom and there was like just goo all over the microwave and i was like what the
fuck you know and they were like it's so cool though i'm like why is that cool they were like we just we knew it was gonna happen i'm like yeah but you knew it
was gonna happen you still need to do it that's the difference between boys and girls that's it
yeah girls would kind of be like yeah that's not well no they'd be like obviously that's gonna
happen yeah and they're yeah because they can foresee the future guys are kind of like yeah
let's make it happen and girls know that they'll eventually have to clean it up, too. Yeah. I remember, like, pretty much two houses down, we were, like, hanging out.
And, like, back in the day, I mean, not really back in the day.
Like, I'm still very young.
But, like, when I was growing up, we would always hang out outside.
And, I mean, I spent, like, 90% of my childhood just egging houses.
Yeah.
Like, if I, like, drove by, like, on my bike and saw, like, one of my neighbors and they were a dickhead i'd just be like i'm gonna egg your house tonight todd like it's going
down but uh proactive i think a lot of it like has to do with peer pressure too like yeah because
peer pressure is like a real thing oh yeah like especially if like you're the kid who like everyone
like relies on to do stupid things like if you got 12 people egging you on like chances are you're probably gonna do it yeah like i called my friend's dad a motherfucker and uh because they told you to
yeah jesus like like my friend and his sister were like you should like when he gets home just
say say what up motherfucker and i was like why would i do that like that's your dad yeah they're
like dude he'll fucking laugh his ass off just because i like
never i would never speak so like you see some fat kid who doesn't brush his hair and smells
say what up motherfucker like so like they convinced me they were like dude just do it
and i was like all right i mean like if he's gonna laugh so like there's like 12 kids like
watching me and like he pulls into the driveway he's like this wicked nice bmw like gets
out and i was like yo what up motherfucker and he just like straight face was like get the fuck off
my lawn he literally said get the fuck off my lawn and i was like everyone's like dude no no
he's kidding he's fucking with you and i was like like, oh, thank God. And he was like, no, like get the fuck off my lawn.
And I cried.
I ran home.
I had to like tell my parents.
I remember telling my mom,
like she was sitting on the bed next to me.
She's like, why are you crying?
And I was like, mom,
I just called Joey's dad a motherfucker. And she was like, what?
She's like, why would you do that?
Like animal.
You don't talk ever.
And that's what you say.
She's like, you never say a word like that was your idea that was and then i i actually i walked down to uh just like apologize with my mom
and like my friend's dad was like oh dude it's fine like don't worry about it
and uh i got grounded for like a month like i grounded for a month and when i got grounded
like i couldn't do anything like no xbox like got grounded for a month, and when I got grounded, I couldn't do anything,
like no Xbox,
stay in your room and stuff,
and I remember...
You just had to sit in that.
Yeah, I remember my parents were like,
all right, we're going to let you go outside,
but you can't hang out with anyone.
You're just going to be able to play basketball,
so I was shooting hoops outside,
and my friend's dad drove by in the BMW,
and he just stopped,
rolled down the window,
and he yelled,
what up, motherfucker motherfucker and I was
like dude I'm grounded for a
month bro are you fucking
with me right now
I was pissed I was like dude are you fucking
kidding me didn't it make you feel better though
yeah a little bit but I was still like yo I can't
even hang out with anyone man that's fucking
hilarious did you have to like write him an apology letter and stuff
and like or go over there
no he was just like he was like, you don't have to apologize.
It's fine.
I'm like, dude, what?
You could have at least, you know.
That's like something in a movie.
That would be a great scene in a movie.
But just that peer pressure was undeniable.
Oh, God, you poor kid.
I'm trying to think of something that happened to me like that.
There's always things that happen where you're like, this isn't real.
This isn't actually happening right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, till this day, if I i saw him right now that's the first thing you would bring up he'd be like do you remember that um i'd be like yeah that's funny as
hell yeah so i mean it creates memories but at the same time you know there's a lot of consequences
that's why i'm kind of like sad sometimes about comedy because it's like i mean like i don't
drink and stuff so like if i did drink and i go out, there would be so many stories to tell.
Yeah.
But it's kind of like, you know, you're making a sacrifice, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, you got to do stuff to tell jokes.
Yeah.
I've done some ridiculous things drinking, like, just so ridiculous.
I mean, drinking is so much fun, but it's just like...
Oh, it's such a bad idea.
I just see people, like, especially especially older comics and i'm like dude
i don't think you realize how much you drink you know what i mean yeah you know what i when i stopped
drinking i realized how many people didn't don't drink yeah like and i was like oh my god like i
would have shows at um i don't know wherever like say and like i was featuring by the time like by the time i went up i would be like at least
three glasses of chardonnay in and i'd bring one on stage every time damn you can tell jokes like
that yeah i did holy shit i know and then you like buzz though or were you like yeah really
definitely yeah and i was just like whatever i'm a drunk mom that's my thing that's what i do what's
up fuckers you know did it help you with relaxing? Were you relaxed?
It helped me.
No.
It's funny.
Funny enough, it helped me before, but now I don't really.
I mean, I don't get those jitters like I used to, so it made it worse.
I would get on stage and I'd be like, shit, did I ever tell that joke?
Did I set that up right?
Have I talked about my mom yet? Oh, my God god did i talk about and i would like forget where i was
in my set yeah not only that but if something happened like say somebody dropped a glass or
somebody said something in the crowd i wouldn't be able to be like just talk like you and i are
talking i'd be like what and then i wouldn't remember where i was in my set really so i couldn't be reactionary and sort of you know conversational so when i don't now i
don't drink anymore um when i or i stopped drinking when i did comedy and i could just
talk and remember what i had said so my nerves were like just so much better yeah it helped i
mean it's pussy shit this is gonna
sound like pussy shit too but i just like i would i don't know i just like i've seen too many people
who just drink alcohol for like long amounts of time and just like i've seen the effects and i'm
just like yeah i just don't doesn't help your comedy you know like i've experienced it all you
know what i mean it's not like i you know like i got drunk every week of college for four years
like i know what it's like. You know what I mean?
And I definitely feel like a loser now, but I know it's probably going to pay off.
That is so much better.
Especially with comedy.
I can actually remember.
I know exactly what I'm going to say on stage.
I take CBD like a pussy too.
I'll take that.
That's not a pussy.
I do that too. Yeah.
I'm not a pussy.
Take some CBD, hit the sauna, go to a show.
I might feel like a loser if I see someone my age, like, with a bunch of girls getting cocked.
You know, like, he's going to get pussy.
I'm going to go home to my mom's house.
It's fine, you know.
As long as the set goes well, you know.
Yeah, exactly.
But just going out and hooking up with girls, that's not fun, really.
They just think they're having fun, honey.
Yeah.
This is fun.
It's a drunk thing, though.
It's not something you can do sober.
No, it's not. It's just, It's not something you can do sober. No, it's not.
It's just like not a sober activity.
Comedy?
Getting pussy.
It can't, no.
Like, I'm not going to meet a girl at a Starbucks while I'm writing jokes and just be like, hey, like.
Unless it's a rom-com.
I mean, that'd be kind of creepy.
Even just being at a Starbucks would be pretty creepy in general, I feel like.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't...
Yeah, that would be cool.
Yeah.
But at a show you could meet.
That's right.
Some girl comes up and was like...
Yeah.
I saw this really hot chick at the Woo Ha Ha not too long ago.
And she was like a solid 10 out of 10.
And I was like, oh, maybe we'll talk after the show or something so like
after the show she like walked up to me and she uh immediately called me dude and i was like ah
fuck she was like dude so funny and then she walked away with her boyfriend actually oh well
but i feel like dude with chicks is not necessarily a friend zone opener i don't know i mean you're basically telling the guy like off
off the bat like hey like don't take this too emotionally but but good set yeah right like
don't text me or look for me but i just want but i don't think so i think some girls are just
they like to bro down just to be like hey i'm cool yeah definitely like hey i watch sports
it's either that or like...
30 for 30s.
It's only been that that I've talked to a girl after.
Most girls I pretty much scare.
Like, I'm pretty sure I've made a few girls cry on stage, but...
On stage?
No, I'm just kidding.
That would suck.
I don't think so.
Maybe...
Maybe you should date an older dude.
You should totally date an older girl.
That's what I'm thinking. Like... An older guy? oh i was gonna say like i'm already ahead of you no yes no like i don't know somebody who just doesn't get all yo that's what my that's
what my therapist told me she was like you're gonna're going to be a great 33-year-old. I was like, no, I'm not.
I'm going to be telling dick jokes, and I'm going to be a fucking pussy.
That's funny, yeah.
She was like, yeah, you're already in your 30s.
I'm like, yo, I literally talk about farts in front of people.
Yeah, but it's pretty funny.
Yeah, but it's not like.
See, the thing about being authentic to yourself is is a 30s
thing like if you're if you're like i like telling fart jokes and i talk about farts it's who i am
that's a lot more self-actualized and um and real than most people yeah most people are like uh
obviously not real my age but right i mean the only i don't know i just like i've never experienced
that after a show with a girl.
Like it was either that one where she called me, dude.
And then she like pretty sure she walked away with her boyfriend or escort.
I'm not really sure what it was.
And then there was another time there was like these two like pretty hot chicks.
But you could tell like they were just like really stupid.
They were like, oh, like you want to take some shots?
And I was like, I don't drink.
And they were like, what are you, a fucking pussy?
And I was like, yeah, that's what i talked about for 10 stage yeah
10 minutes on stage like did you not listen a huge pussy yeah maybe like
and i was like i was like yeah like i mean i'll buy you guys shots if you want
and it's just like this awkward conversation it's like like i just want to i just want to go home
you know watch goodwill hunting like go to bed you know spank one out like i don't want to fucking
deal with this shit yeah i know i'm the same way i really used to think i was an extrovert
i did like i've always been you know like i had an easy time talking to people but i just realized
how much i like both but i managed restaurant and like waitress and stuff like that and so it's all
about talking to people i fucking hate them, I hate every fucking second of it.
Yeah.
Just like, you know, like, I don't give a fuck what you want to eat.
I don't care about your lemon.
I don't care about your stupid kid.
But I'm going to pretend I do.
Sure am, because I need the money.
But I hope you all die in a fire.
So what the fuck do you want?
I could say the same thing.
Like, OK, so I hope you all die in a fire.
And I have a table for five in the same way that would
be so funny though it'd be so worth it it really was yeah like the amount of stress eating aids
karen okay yeah fuck karen fuck you yo we got a neighbor a new neighbor she looks like a fucking
karen oh god yeah short hair and everything yeah yeah short hair oh yeah she walks around with
her hands on her hips you can already tell just waiting for some bullshit to go down yeah wait i waved her this morning she didn't even wait back
it's like fuck you karen fuck you karen egg your house later nice you later bitch
i i just love that the karens are being exposed it's just those are those are the people you need
to ignore though that's what i'm saying like i've been saying this for years like
yeah stop talking to them.
You know what I mean?
But at least they realize that they suck and everyone hates them.
And Karen is now like a...
That's what makes them powerful.
Yeah.
Yes.
But they used to think that, like, that if they were, like, manager and people would
be like, ooh, now it's just like, shut the fuck up, Karen.
Yeah, fuck you, Karen.
Fuck you, Karen.
Yeah, that probably turns them on, too.
Probably, like, oh, yeah.
That's another thing with girls.
You can be a dick.
To girls who didn't have dads.
You think so?
Or girls with daddy issues.
Both.
Both?
Same thing.
Yeah.
I feel like that's the same thing.
There's a saying, treat them mean to keep them keen.
But those are not well adjusted.
You don't think so?
Girls.
No.
I kind of like that, though.
As you get older.
I like the hate speech
you know like fuck you like yeah you want to drink fuck you no i'm just kidding i try that
i'm too much of a pussy like i'm pretty nice to girls overall but yeah i think i'm just too nice
you know like i think girls want like a mean fucking you know i drive a harley and i fuck
you know what i mean like that's what well my girls my age that's what they want yeah i'm sure
and the girls they don't want some dude in a hawaiian shirt who's gonna tell dick jokes you
know i mean but like there might be a few fatties out there you know what i'm saying they'll punch
the clock for you though you know like if you've had a fantasy a fat chick's had it too
i've gotten out of it i don't care anymore no we're talking we're talking thick you know what
i'm saying yeah i'm like newport thick
five pounds overweight so i feel like i don't feel though i feel like women want women want a nice guy
they do just not a guy who's a beta pussy so there's a way to be a nice guy and just you know
and not be a cuck like that there's a difference difference. Yeah, like, I wear baggy shirts,
but I'm going to flip this tie right now.
Exactly.
That's what we're talking about.
And you.
It's just a confidence thing.
It's just not a bad, like, a dickhead thing.
Yeah.
Nobody wants a dickhead.
That's what I was talking about with my therapist, too.
She was like, maybe you should just try to be confident.
I'm like, but I'm not.
You know, that's the thing.
Give it a whirl.
Just pretend you are.
I fucking hate confident people. Yeah, no, it's the worst. Give it a whirl. Just pretend you are. I fucking hate confident people.
Yeah, no, it's the worst.
It's the worst.
Like, just fucking be humble, man.
Yeah, right?
Let people talk for you.
That's so much cooler, though.
Yeah.
I think girls like that because they can, like, actually rely on it.
Whereas, like, a guy who's not confident is just like, yeah, we're fucked.
Yeah, totally fucked.
Yeah, and I'm like, I'm a train wreck.
I don't even know what the fuck's going on anymore.
I feel like, have you ever dated a comic, like a younger comic girl?
We're talking about girls.
I don't think I've ever met a younger comic girl.
How old are you?
I just turned 24.
Oh, Jesus.
24.
I wouldn't do that anyway.
I'm not trying to be a dick.
I'm not trying to be a dick, but every comic I've, who's a girl who's my age, I haven't met.
And if I did meet that, I guarantee you they talk about like fucking other guys on stage.
Because I've seen girls lower 30s who are like, yeah, I'll suck a dick here and there.
You know, get a puke in my mouth.
And I'm just like, there's like fires going off in my head.
I'm like, why?
Why are we talking about this right now? Does that bother you to hear a girl talk about getting fucked on stage? in my mouth and i'm just like there's like fires going off in my head i'm like why really why are
we talking about this right does that bother you to hear a girl talk about getting fucked on stage
too much yeah it's like if you're shitting on a guy who has like a small dick or something like
that's funny but if like i remember seeing a girl who's like is funny yes yeah it's like oh yeah
this dick was wicked small like that's funny to me but like if you're like talking about like pubes
in your mouth yeah that's gross or like, like I was fucking like this one dude.
And then you tell another joke about fucking another dude.
It's like they're not smart and they don't have good material.
Guys and girls.
It's like don't you can talk about situations like in comedy if it's funny and like make it funny.
But people in general who just talk about sex, it's just because they don't they're not smart and they can't write a joke.
Yeah.
Like I would never talk about sex on stage.
I would talk about not having sex. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. but like i've never i've never met a comic my age and if i did
like they haven't lived enough there's not i think too much so i'll be like oh like i wonder like if
i dated this woman like or this girl like what it would be like and in my head i just be like yeah
it just wouldn't work out that'd be a huge conflict of interest too you know imagine like imagine dating a like a guy
though who does comedy and you have to go to his open mics and stuff and his shows and just sit
there and listen to like the same jokes like every week no just be like hey you did great no i wouldn't
date an open mic yeah well even just a comic in general unless they were like wicked funny i've
dated other comics really yeah oh yeah you have yeah but they're funny though yeah so it's like
if they can make you laugh like like, that's an A+.
I'm just saying.
That'd be a huge turn off if they sucked.
But like, for me, I'm still doing open mic, so I'm not going to date some open mic chick,
you know what I mean?
Good for you.
Have some standards.
Yeah.
I'm going to date headliners.
Yeah, you are.
Yes, you should.
Well, I feel like just somebody who, I feel like I could only date somebody who is a comic or is somebody who does something for a writer.
Yeah, because I just...
I don't even know if I'm going to do comedy again, honestly.
I don't even know.
I just haven't had the urge to do it.
I'm feeling wildly unfunny.
What if you're the funniest woman in New England, though?
What if I was?
Yeah.
Aren't you?
No.
Yeah, but if I asked other people...
Yeah, well...
If somebody...
This is what I'm talking about.
Confidence versus letting someone speak for you.
I think I'm confident in my abilities.
Because other people have said
you're the funniest comic in new england oh that's a woman very nice of them to say but they said it
though like why would they say it if they're not i don't like if you weren't funny and they were
talking to me they'd be like yeah she's not funny like right right right i think that's very nice
if whoever said that i feel like i have the potential to i have a lot of potential and i feel like i'm
i'm funny um but irregardless like i'm just not feeling motivated to do it yeah um i it's funny
like i just i didn't miss it like as soon as the break as soon as the pandemic happened i was like
i didn't care one way or the other and so many other people yeah, yeah, they were like, oh my God, I need stage time.
I need to get back on stage.
I would do like a, I would drive to Baltimore to do a five minute open mic.
I'm like, really?
Yeah.
I'm like, huh.
I just didn't even think about it one way or the other.
I was more focused on banana bread and like the Golden Girls.
So you like, you like the mom life.
You dig it?
I do.
Yeah.
I mean, I, I don't, I think I was just like, really, I'm like, what's my fat ass going
to eat tonight?
Like, I was like cooking.
Yeah.
I was just like, yeah.
You were adding spices?
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
I am a spicy lady.
Yeah.
I was watching the Goldbergs and just, I got the Goldbergs cookbook.
Have you ever seen that show?
No.
Oh my God, it's so good.
It's so funny.
I've seen the porno.
Okay. I don't have their cookbook.
No, I'm just kidding.
But I was just making like the fattest shit, like cheeseburger, lasagna, fucking like,
like literally it's just layers of cheese, of burger.
Probably a lot of carbs in that.
Yeah.
No bread.
Like I'd care anyway.
Yeah, like that matters.
Yeah, right?
Because if you're making
cheeseburger lasagna,
you just, Jesus Christ,
talk about driving through
like a wall or whatever.
But it's just layers
of burger meat,
American cheese,
and then it's just stacked
with like,
oh, an onion rings on top.
Jesus. It was so good. It's diabetes it's diabetes man totally and i was just like milkshakes i literally i'd make cookies every day because i wanted the
kids to have something to look forward to so are you eating this or the kids eating it too
we're all eating it you're all eating it i was just like just chilling out yeah full send send
it every night if i was doing that like that would probably bring up some good jokes you know
what i mean yeah but like i'm eating like chicken and rice so it's like that's not
funny yeah no i wasn't even like depressed because i was like what am i gonna make today
oh my god i could make anything yeah i can cook fat disgusting shit and i was like this is great
i probably gained like 20 pounds but i'd do it again it was awesome yeah but like in terms of
like taking care of the kids and stuff,
does that like you dig that too?
I love it.
I did worry about,
you know what?
I worried about my son's mental health.
Like my daughter and I were good.
I didn't even know you had a son.
Oh,
I have two sons and a daughter.
I have a 20 year old son,
an 18 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.
Oh really?
Um,
but my 17 year old son,
I was worried about because like he,
he,
you know,
he missed his friends and, um, I didn't let him out of the house cause he has asthmaold son I was worried about because he missed his friends,
and I didn't let him out of the house because he has asthma,
and I was like, you're going to die of the fucking coronavirus,
and I can't have that.
It's like bad asthma?
It's pretty bad.
Pretty bad?
Bad enough where I was like, oh, my God.
My little boobie will be cannot.
I thought I had asthma.
I had asthma when I was born.
Oh, yeah?
They thought I was going to die.
Jesus. Yeah. And it's just. You know, it's funny. I had asthma when I was born. Oh yeah. They thought I was going to die. Jesus.
Yeah.
And it just,
you know,
it's funny.
I went to an urgent care.
Yeah.
Cause I had a cold and this guy was like,
yeah,
you have like full on asthma.
And he gave me an inhale and everything.
And I was like freaking out.
And then I went to my primary doctor and he was like,
whoever you went,
you like met as a fucking idiot.
Like there's nothing wrong with you.
Confused.
Yeah.
He was like,
dude,
you have like full blown asthma. Like you could die. And I was just like, dude, we're at urgent care. Like, why's nothing wrong with you. Why do you confuse... Yeah, he was like, dude, you have, like, full-blown asthma.
Like, you could die.
And I was just like,
dude, we're at urgent care.
Like, why are you giving these prognoses?
How did he...
How did he diagnose you?
I swear to God,
he just took one of those
fucking stupid-ass things
to get your heartbeat.
He was like, breathe in, breathe out.
Did it, like, once.
He was like, it's asthma.
I'm like, dude...
You can't...
How long were you at the casino last night?
Like, what are you doing?
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
Asthma is a chronic condition.
Like, you're born with it, and you constantly have complications from it.
Yeah, it's frightening.
Yeah, but, I mean, you don't just lose it or get it.
Yeah.
Just, fuck.
That's so weird.
I mean, he said, like, I was like, he was like, have you been, like, outside a lot, like, running or exercising?
I was like, yeah, like, I run in the cold all the time.
He was like, that's it. I'm like, dude, do you think maybe I should have, like, bronchitis? Maybe it's, like, a cold been outside a lot, running or exercising? I was like, yeah, I run in the cold all the time. He was like, that's it.
I'm like, dude, do you think maybe I just have bronchitis?
Maybe it was a cold or something.
It was a fucking cold?
He was like, no, we're giving you an account.
How old were you when that happened?
It was like a year ago.
Because I run all the time in the cold, so I run in the snow and stuff.
I mean, I'll get a cough here and there, but like...
So he took one of those meter things and he assessed it from that?
No.
He was literally just like, breathe in, breathe out.
And he heard some raspy stuff and was just like...
Wheezing could be pneumonia.
It could be...
It could be a lot of things.
Just like...
Yeah.
Bronchitis.
Urgent care fucking sucks.
Should burn that shit down.
That's insane.
Yeah.
Probably just wanted to make some money.
That's fucking crazy.
Inhalers aren't cheap.
No.
Maybe there's a rep and he needed to sell like enough, so many inhalers or whatever, if that's very possible.
Interesting.
Yeah, but I really, I was worried about my son and because he couldn't see his friends and he had like these, like he goes to the school and it was just like these Zoom meetings with these teachers are so, it was a lot.
And so he was like getting kind of bummed out.
And then he got fucking lyme disease
during the quarantine from like a tick yeah i was like how you've been outside never how did you get
lyme disease in the middle of the winter in a pandemic like how and it was like this huge rash
on the bottom of like at the back of his legs really and then he took antibiotics and it went
away but i was like the hell yeah he's like only I would get Lyme disease in like a quarantine.
I thought you could only get that from like ticks.
Yeah, it was a tick.
It was one of those little ticks.
Oh, really?
He just didn't notice it?
No, it was like embedded in the back of his leg, I guess.
And he turned around and goes, Mom, what do you think this is?
And he has eczema.
And he turned around and it was a rash, like this big, big bright purple and it wasn't like the bullseye one it was just i was like jesus
christ so i went on i had a like a uh zoom with his doctor and i was like just show her that and
she goes oh my god i think he has lyme disease it was on his ass or like hamstring no like right
here i was gonna say that'd be hilarious it was on his ass yeah that would then he would he would rather die than show me his ass so i showed my ass to a girl once yeah
like when i was younger because i got i got stung by a herd of bees and my friend had a wicked hot
sister so i was like running around the yard yelling and shit and like i still had double
d's like i my tits were bigger than all the girls at that party and uh i had so back a few years
i had like 10 bee stings on my ass and she was like i remember this girl like my friend's sister
being like pull your pants down and i was just hard as a rock like an inch and a half easily
you had a tragic childhood yeah my they should make a movie out of my childhood yeah i'll show
you a picture after this of what I look like.
I would love to.
It's so cringy.
I was a fucking baller, dude.
I bet.
Bet.
I bet.
Two tops.
I used to do some wicked gay stuff.
Like, I would sit on sprinklers.
I don't know if you've ever done that.
No.
Every house party.
Got up to a jacuzzi.
Every bouncy house party I'd go to, there'd always be a sprinkler and I'd always sit on
it and break it.
That would low-key make me hard as a rock just sitting on those sprinklers break multiple don't have that john over you'll break your sprinkler fucking weirdo
just random boners in the yard people are driving by
hide your sprinkler sick he's coming hot. I would just yell stuff randomly.
I kind of wish I would have you over all the time.
I think about it all the time.
Like my son has the weirdest friends and I love the weird ones.
It's like,
why didn't I just like continuous,
why don't I just continue to eat more and just like be more stupid?
Cause like the dumber you are,
like the more unaware you are.
So like I was so unaware of what was going on in the world.
I was like,
other people don't yell vagina in public like they should yeah that's hilarious yeah
fuck it i feel like my favorite part of like every year was like just yelling something in class like
on the last day of school oh yeah yeah because like kids used to play vagina penis game they
would yeah but it was always it was always interesting with me because like you know
like teachers would make mute jokes and stuff like that.
Even in college, they would make Helen Keller jokes.
I would hear them, too.
They probably thought I was deaf, too.
You're screaming right now.
But I remember all throughout elementary school, every year on the last day of school, I would yell vagina on the last day of school.
And the teacher would actually laugh.
Because it was like you'd never hear this kid talk about that i'm so glad he's not my classic i think he's gonna kill everybody i made a penis in ceramics class because we were like uh we had like we
didn't have clay for a while and uh dude our teacher was like wicked emotional she was like
oh my god like what are we gonna do without? Like the school can't pay for it.
And then like the next day she came in, she was like, guys, we're getting clay.
And like everyone was like, nobody gives a fuck.
And she was like wicked joyful about it.
So she hands everyone like a piece of clay, like a clump of clay.
She's like, all right, like make something interesting.
And everyone at my table was like, I'm not making anything.
So I was like, can I have your clay?
You just made a giant dick.
I made the biggest dick ever.
And she was like walking around, like seeing what people were making.
And she just saw me like.
I was like straight faced.
Like I think I was working on the balls.
Like.
I was like wicked focused.
Like wicked focused.
She's like,
Oh John,
like what is that?
Like she just looked at it and I was like,
yeah,
you know what it is.
And,
uh,
I remember like her vividly like looking at it and looking at my straight
face.
And,
uh,
she like speed walked into the back room and a year later she told me like
she walked back there to laugh.
She didn't want to laugh. she didn't want to laugh she
didn't want to laugh in front of the kids i could never be a teacher i'd laugh at everything
especially if i saw that like this thing was big too like hold that like that was the size of one
of the balls i took everyone's clay that's so they didn't even hesitate either i was just like can i
just use it like you guys aren't gonna make anything they were like cheering me on and stuff
i was like of course they were that's yeah i could never ever ever be a teacher i just i'm just i think i'm like a 14
year old teachers most teachers are fucking dicks yeah very judgmental yeah and i don't over
generalize a lot but the teachers that i've met even seeing them to this day like freaks yeah
like why would you want to become a teacher i can't control anything in my life so i'm gonna
control this yeah some of
them are very good like i i've seen like not every teacher there's been some amazing teachers but like
very few though you know like i've seen some at shows i saw my old english teacher at a show and
i like i shit myself like i walked in he was like drinking beer with his wife and he's like very
mature like wicked mature and he was one of the best teachers i ever had like i would actually
listen to him and i remember like seeing him and he was like oh john what are you doing here i was like
just here man you know like i didn't tell him i was on the show yeah and then i i know like when
he saw me go on stage like he probably had an aneurysm you know if i'm talking about like you
know having six dicks you know driving through my neighbor's house you know i was like this guy is
gonna get scared but then after he messaged me and he was like on facebook he's like hey man like i really love the show like
i'd love to come to another one i think you're way more fucked up than you know like people always
think they're way more fucked up than other other people think weird shit too yeah that's when i
first started doing twitter when i started to do twitter and the darker the shit that i tweeted
the more people liked it i was like oh my, I thought these were like dark, crazy things.
Wait, so you, so you're not, you've done paid shows.
Yeah.
Like I do the, I mean, I would do the hardcore shows like two or three times a week.
And I was always like the younger one there.
I was always the youngest one there, which kind of sucked.
But I think everyone who was there was kind of cool.
Yeah.
Like if you see, you know, if you see like Brian, Ray, ray i would see ray all the time you know derrick and like all those
guys have always been like really nice to me yeah they're great but i just kind of like shut my
mouth you know i mean like i don't have anything to say you know if they're talking about their
stuff so i just kind of like go up do my thing yeah the hardcore show was kind of just like
brian being like hey man like it's time i was the first girl on the hardcore show. Really?
I remember I was 21 and I was in the parking lot and I got the message from
Brian.
He was like,
yeah man,
like I'm not,
I'm not fucking with you.
Like if you do shitty tonight,
like you're probably not going to be on again.
He's like,
but if you do good man,
like we'll think about booking more.
And like,
I just kind of like just did my thing and he was like,
all right man.
Like,
and then I just like,
I've been doing it for like two years now.
So it's been a while. Like, I mean, obviously obviously they changed the format so it's like the late show now but i don't know i've just been kind of like trying to shut my mouth and just like
just fucking do it you know a lot of a lot of kids my age is kind of annoying like i can't talk to
them yeah it's i mean i'm not trying to be a dick but it's just like it's hard to just like
they're just like really selfish you know what i mean like i want everyone yeah i want everyone
to do good you know what i mean yeah but it's that entitled uh yeah you know like what like
when do i start getting paid like why don't like you're lucky to be here yeah just uh respect your
time respect everybody else but i think yeah just keeping a low profile and those guys are all great I I ate it I think the worst ever on a hardcore show um yeah it was uh the worst worst thing ever
and actually the but my favorite part about it was it was Derek Bowden I think Doug Key and I don't know if Ray was there, but, um, I don't know. It was, uh, John porch and O'Connell.
I was eating it so badly.
And I was up there just like, you know, when you have those, those, um, moments where you
feel like you're in quicksand and like, you just like watching yourself outside yourself
sucking.
You're like, what the fuck are you doing?
And I was just repeating myself.
And all of a sudden I was like, like that.
And I look over the green room and I see them all going.
And I was just repeating myself.
And all of a sudden I was like that.
And I look over in the green room and I see them all going.
Like.
And I just started laughing like it's my time.
But it made me feel so much better.
They're like, what the fuck was that?
That was the worst dog shit we've ever seen.
I was like, I don't know what happened up there.
And Brian was like, fucking prepare.
This is when I was like 10 years ago. I don't know. I don't know i don't know eight seven whatever the fuck it was i think it was like 2012 or something
and the kids were really little i had just gotten divorced and i just started working again
and i just didn't yeah didn't do anything i just thought i could go up there and shoot the shit and
be okay yeah i mean i probably had three glasses of wine i mean you learn a lot i didn't think i
would learn this much but like i love when those guys are dicks
I think Ray is the funniest dick alive
Brian and Ray are both
when they're dicks I just love it
that means they like you
that's the thing
if they were like dude you don't have to worry about it man
I'd be like fuck you dude suck my dick
tell me how it is
they would never even think about or they wouldn't even just say anything probably or what did ray ray said one
time he goes he goes you were doing good until you did that horrible street joke because there
were these old people and i was like i didn't even know what to say so i just did this street
joke and he goes you're better than that i was was like, I am. I remember like, I think I was 22, 21 or 22.
And like Ray always like refers to me as like the youngest sad guy, you know, like, which
is funny, obviously, but like he was like walking into the show and I was standing there
and just by myself, like, cause I'll bring like a coffee to the late show and just be
like that awkward guy who like drink coffee and of, like, stares at people.
I think that's everybody.
Yeah, just kind of checks the scene.
Yeah.
And, like, Ray walked in, and I was like, hey, what's up, Ray?
How you doing, man?
He was just like, yo.
And I was like, fuck you, dude.
Like, fuck you, man.
You said fuck you to him?
No, look at my head.
Oh, that'd be funny if you were like, fuck you, Ray.
I said it under my breath, but he didn't hear me. I was fuck you dude fuck you right because he was just like yo and i was like you
don't think i know what that means bro like come on and then like we just had like an all like not
an altercation but like it was uh it was bad lad who was sitting in front of me and then ray was
next to me and i was like ray like do you even realize what just happened out there man and like
we just like went back and forth for like 10 minutes and like bad lad was like crying laughing
because like he knows i never talk in general and i was just like telling ray like you know like i
know what the fuck you just like what just happened and then we were all just like wow we should have
gotten that on like on on film maybe a good skit that's really awkward yeah it must have been
awkward as fuck was he like what yeah no i was like fuck you dude i'll fucking stab you and he's like whoa dude like
you'll stab me and i was like no i'm just kidding man like come on i thought we were just busting
balls i'm trying to think of anybody that i oh there's been some weird i think if like i think
if you're in the green room and like people don't get up to leave like you've won you think about it that way because like if like someone my age came in and
was like tell me how you do it like give me all your secrets like all your advice like you'd be
like i gotta go i'm gonna go have a drink oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and then there's like me who just
sits there and kind of like looks at the wall you know like i like that kid that's either gonna like
that's either gonna like scare people away or just gonna be like no i bet i like him he doesn't say anything or they're like oh hey
oh god yeah the worst is when like young guys will be like oh hey how's it going uh i'm so and so
and they're doing a guest spot or something and they're like um yeah so uh i'm gonna do like uh
four minutes and they tell you like what they're gonna do i'm like i don't give a fuck what you do
and why like oh yeah do your thing and i'm sure i was i'm sure i don't know i'm like what they're going to do. I'm like, I don't give a fuck what you do and why. Like, do your thing.
And I'm sure I was, I'm sure, I don't know.
I'm like, okay.
They're like, so are you like, are you on the show?
I'm like, yep.
And they're like, oh, okay.
All right.
Well, well, good luck.
You know, like I heard this about, they just like start, you know, like I wouldn't go to
my waitressing job and be like, so what are you going to do?
You're going to go say hi?
Like just do your fucking job.
Yeah.
I think, I think the, uh, like the older guys will like give you advice if it's necessary but
like if you ask for it i mean i think if i think i don't know this is my opinion but i think if
like if you're in a green room with a bunch of guys who are like really successful and you start
like asking them advice i think it's kind of like selfish yeah because they're in their own heads
too like they want they have their own shit maybe like afterwards yeah that kind of makes sense you
know like hey man like what'd you think about this?
I mean, I wouldn't do that.
I'd just kind of, like, just let them say something.
The chance that they listen to any of it is, like...
Yeah, they're not going to give a shit.
So, like, I'm smart enough to be like, yeah, like, if I, like, came up with something,
I was like, dude, like, what do you think about this?
What do you think about that?
Like, not that I would ever do that, but I know, like...
But I think that's totally fine to be, like, if you have, like, one thing or two things
that you really want advice on, that's totally cool. It like when they start just like just it'd be like anywhere like
if you're on a subway or a plane and someone just starts like you're like wow like yeah yeah like
i'm trying i'm trying to focus right now like i'm about to go up yeah things like that but i've
noticed like if somebody wants to give you advice you know they will like after the show obviously
like hey man next time like don't put the fucking don't put the fucking mic stand in front of you you fucking idiot like
yeah yeah or if they say i really like when people add a tag i like that because you can do whatever
you want with that you know like if someone's like hey i was listening to your joke like have
you ever thought about setting it up like this or maybe do with it whatever use it don't use it but then a lot of the
times you're like oh cool sometimes yeah but you don't have to take that advice so i just i
personally like it some people don't but i do yeah i have a joke about uh when i was in english class
and we were reading a book called the things they carried and i yelled out these big old balls and
like that's like one of my jokes and like one like, the better comedians was, like, dude, you should say these nuts.
And I was, like, no.
I'm going to stick with these big old balls.
And that was just, like, that was just me being me.
Like, I could have been, like, wicked, like, gullible and be, like, all right, next time for you, man, for you.
But I was, like, nah, dude.
I'll go out with these big old balls, you know.
You should try both.
Yeah.
I don't know you know
like it's
it's funny when people
I don't know
I love it
but like it actually happened though
like it actually happened
in English class
so I don't want to like
you know what I mean
so like I'm telling a story
I don't want to like alter the
you know
the storyline
I kind of like these nuts
you think so
it's
you gotta
you gotta emphasize it though
like next show I'm gonna do that and just get fucking shit thrown at me yeah wait wait set it's you gotta emphasize it though like next show i'm gonna
do that just get fucking shit thrown at me yeah wait wait set it up again how does it go
so it's like when i was uh like i had this one teacher who whatever thought i had you know an
extra chromosome blah blah blah the punch line is like we were reading a book in class like he was
giving a lecture about a book we were reading it's called the things they carried so like he was like going around class like this actually happened in like
high school in his class i had a kid on who was in the class on the podcast who's in the class
and he was like going around the class and like he was just asking people like you know like what
do you carry with you on a day-to-day basis and like he called on me and i'm like always wicked
quiet and i just yelled these big old balls and I pointed at my nutsack.
And he was like, wow, John, like, thank you for confirming.
You're retarded.
Like, so that's kind of like the punchline.
Let me think.
Like these big old balls.
These.
Yeah.
I like these big old balls.
Yeah, I kind of do too now.
All right.
Yeah.
Cool.
My daughter won't stop fucking calling me i'm just gonna message her um but uh so fuck you know kids um
anyway so what was i gonna say so yeah, but I think it's, I like, I don't know.
I've had, it's funny with comedians.
Like, I used to do theater in college.
And I always, yeah, in high school.
And I always hated theater people, though.
Like, I just could not, couldn't deal with them.
But I loved it.
Like, I really, I was like, this is my my path it's the only thing I was ever naturally good
at even my father who was like he's like don't go to college just go to New York
and be an actress he was like that's what you should do really damn both my
parents like they were like don't even waste our time just was like what were
you really good at though like just any any sort of acting or like like a
character role like the funny person yeah So I would always get like, like in high school, because they knew I was good at it, like the old crazy old lady or the, always the person who was like the comic relief and the funny part.
Yeah.
And I wasn't, I was not like a pretty in high school at all.
And then in college, I like got pretty.
And then I would get these roles that was like, pretty girl, girlfriend.
I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do with this?
And it was like, I would just set the other person up to be funny.
And I sucked.
I was like, I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to be the straight person.
I don't want to be it.
And I hate you people.
So they're all like, you know, like wearing capes and like wearing all black and stuff
and like kill your television shirts.
I'm like, I hate you people. You guys are so fucking weird. I was like at rugby parties and
homecoming queen. And I was with these weirdos. So you played rugby. Um, I just hung out with
rugby players. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah. I just partied with them. I'm like, I don't want to
ruin all this. Such a meathead, such a, such a meathead meathead. I always dressed like a first lady, too.
I'd always be in like pearls and headbands and like blazers.
But anyway, so then I was like, I don't want to do this anymore.
So then I thought to myself, then I had kids and I was like, well, I want the funny part.
Maybe if I write my own part, stand up comedy.
Oh, I tried improv.
And I was like like I hate you people
even more than theater people if that's possible those were my people then I found comedians and
I was like these are my people you know you just talk to comedians you're like why you're just as
fucked up as I am just as maladjusted as yeah as I am but it's just you just can talk to
comedians yeah you can say yeah you can have
normal not normal you can have abnormal conversation yeah you know what I mean like
you can just like tell when someone is you can relate to them yeah yeah I feel like most
comedians had pretty fucked up childhood so it's kind of like yeah I like I've been doing more
sketches yeah I just like sketches I just not improv yeah improv's hard yeah yeah i like uh
i would like i just like being like i like making like deviant sketches that like grab people's
attention yeah yeah me too that's i just like one i like sketches that are like one big analogy
that can like relate to your whole life you know yeah but it kind of uh it definitely makes the
girls cry i feel like a lot of the guys are kind of like, I like this though.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I just like, I don't like, like, I don't like slow films.
I like, I think like the first scene is like very important.
You know what I mean?
I think that's a generational thing.
I think like when I was.
Attention span, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I don't have, I have ADD.
I'm all over the place.
But I feel like we grew up with like, you know, character, like character studied movies
that developed over time and we just learned that.
Yeah.
Like plot development and things.
Now it's like you guys are vines and.
Yeah.
You have to, you have to grab someone's attention in like five to 10 seconds.
Yeah.
But it's everything with like, we didn't grow up with ATM machines and, and, and you know things like that where it's like instant you had to wait for shit like you had
to order something and then like three weeks later your fucking decoder ring would come in
so it's like it's different i've always been like that though like uh
like not necessarily straight to the point but like when i say something i want it to mean
something so whenever i make a sketch it'll be like it was like you know let's like trim the not necessarily straight to the point, but when I say something, I want it to mean something.
So whenever I make a sketch, it'll be like,
let's trim the fat off this.
I don't like when there's fat on it.
Oh, yeah, me too. Jokes, too.
Yeah, I feel like if we made a sketch together,
you'd play the hilarious mom,
and I feel like you'd crush it,
but I would want it to be no fat.
No fat. I agree. I agree. And that's hard to do with. Yeah.
Like even like looking at,
um,
cause this is on Spotify and,
I don't do this all.
I've done this one time.
So you can look at stats to see how many,
like how many people have viewed it.
So a good amount of people have viewed the podcast,
but you can look at the average listening time and it's literally 10 seconds.
Oh yeah.
People watch like the intro.
They're like,
Nope.
So how, so how much will you edit this
probably not a lot really i don't really edit anything out unless someone messages me and
they're like dude take that take that out um we almost got in trouble a few times but
i mean i've never personally said anything but i've had guests on who have said things that are
like all right man you know questionable yeah they'll be like i'm like like you think like to a podcast, you have, like, you shouldn't have to tell someone, like, hey, man, like, don't, you know, don't do anything stupid.
Right.
But you have some people who are, like, they, like, name specific people.
And you're just like, dude, like.
I've talked so much shit on podcasts that I have to be conscious of it the whole time.
I don't say names.
Yeah, but, like, yeah, talking shit is so much fun, but's like oh yeah if you name the actual person like and put it on YouTube
yeah unless you want to just start a war I've I've I don't know I saw a lot of drama and I was like I
don't want no part of that shit yeah I like to sleep at night yeah it was basically just like
back kind of like when I was going to therapy my my mom would ask me, like, it'd be, like, Friday or Saturday.
She'd be, like, you know, honey, are you going out tonight?
And I'd be, like, no, I'm just going to stay here.
And she'd be, like, all right.
And then the next few weeks, like, same thing.
Yeah.
And then the next week, same thing.
And she'd be, like, honey, like, you need to, like, you know, actually, like, talk to people.
And I was, like, you know what?
I'm going to start a podcast.
Oh, so I can talk from here.
Yeah, I've always enjoyed, like like just like uh like shooting the shit like my I've had like some of the hardest laughs just like going to a coffee shop just getting caffeinated and just kind of
like talking about stuff that doesn't matter like I know a lot of people have like you know
podcasts were like do we want to talk about this want to talk about this want to talk about this
and I'm just like I've never liked like planned conversations you know what I mean yeah i just kind of like sit down and see where it goes yeah it's pretty amazing how
far it can go too yeah especially if you're sitting down with someone you're just like
the fuck am i gonna ask this person you know what i mean yeah it just kind of happens and then just
like farts lead to other farts and you're like wow dude you think farts are funny and then like
just blows up what is not funny about farts um how did you think this is was this like
super boring this podcast i think we fucking crushed it really yeah good i think it could
be up there for like the most amount of views you're also the first female to be on this podcast
so everyone's gonna be like holy shit oh my god john talked to a woman like holy fuck a woman yeah
like i'll just say it's my i'll just say it's my mom i'll be like my mom came on the podcast
that's actually that's not a bad... That's not a bad idea.
That's not a bad idea.
Like, I should do that.
People love moms.
Yeah.
People found out that my mom was coming on the podcast.
They'd be like, I gotta hear this shit.
Yeah, what the fuck is this kid gonna talk about?
Shit, we should, like, we should get dubbed mom.
Like, so mom, what do you think, mom?
Hashtag mom.
New England's mom.
Yeah, I am...
Yeah. I mean, yeah. How old is your mom probably my age no i had wicked old
parents growing up oh really yeah like when i was when i was 17 my dad was 66 and my mom
yeah my mom is six years younger than my dad six or seven so when I was 17, yeah,
if I'm doing the math correctly,
like I said,
I don't really,
I don't know how to read,
so.
You'll get there.
No,
I have a sister.
Yeah.
But yeah,
my mom should be in her 60s.
I'm kidding.
I think.
Oh,
my mom's,
how old am I?
So my mom's 65.
She should be 66 then.
Yeah.
I don't know,
I failed math.
No,
I'm just kidding.
My dad was 69, and my mother is 66, and I'm 45.
So my parents were young.
Young.
Yeah, my parents were old.
They used to think, like when I was younger, they'd be like, oh, like John lives with his
grandparents, like wicked old parents.
But I don't know.
It is what it is.
Maybe you actually, maybe your mom is your, you have another sister, and that she's actually
Yeah, sometimes I think I was adopted was adopted but i used to think that i was asked my dad one time he was
like i was like was i adopted he goes you think i'd keep you if you were adopted i was like yeah
well my dad was like my dad was married once and then he got divorced so he had um two yeah two
kids and they're like older now obviously so at that normal age but like yeah
when i was growing up my parents were wicked old which has its perks not really not really at all
no no there's no perks together more i would imagine yeah i mean no not really just just a
fucked up childhood that's why i'm doing comedy now that's why we're here right now so i saw a
meme the other day like did you have a good childhood or are you funny i love that like oh yeah i can't even imagine like yeah my
friends with good childhoods are not funny and comedians who's like had like good childhoods
i'm like what are you doing i just can't even imagine like having like just this massive house
with like two young parents like my my i would be so different like yeah i just i mean
i like myself who i am you know i guess it's all that matters but like even just like if i think
about that like what if i like grew up in like you know two-story house rich parents young parents i
had like everything handed to me like i can't even fucking imagine like how annoying i'd be to talk to you yeah yeah you'd be a chad like do what bmw and just yeah yeah like i mean my parents are
see here's the thing you know what's really fucked up is that my parents or my mother
my mother told me we were poor growing up she's like every day she was like you
we are so poor we're so poor and i'm like so you believe what your parents tell you both my parents owned restaurants they owned houses and like drove nice cars and i was like
but we're poor like this could come my house of cards is going to come crashing down at any moment
and i was like we can't even afford heat i drive a subaru i'm like is that bad i didn't even know
that was bad i was like oh my god the subaru's, that's awful. But all my outback,
she could be a Karen,
but my mother's not a Karen.
My mother,
she's not a Karen.
Um,
but yeah,
they,
I was like,
Holy shit.
Like we're so poor.
And I mean,
I guess my parent,
my friend's parents had more money than we did,
but I grew up in like a pretty,
pretty wealthy town.
So I was like,
I felt poor. Like compared to my friends, like I didn't a pretty pretty wealthy town so i was like i felt poor
like compared to my friends like i didn't have new ski equipment and i was like it's bad yeah
really i faced a lot of adversity my mother drives a subaru i have last year's skis shit's bad and
they were like oh that's too bad you know but then i told so here i am thinking i'm poor because i
have nothing to compare it to.
I started doing comedy.
I was at this place called The Vault in Boston.
I had this open mic.
And so this guy goes up.
His name's James Goff.
Glow, as we call him.
Do you know James Goff?
I've never met him, but yeah, I know. Yeah.
So at that time, he was Glow.
And he went up talking about growing up poor.
And I was like, i was poor also and so
i'm gonna talk about it and he goes oh yeah and i was like yeah and he goes
he goes so you're eating that government cheese and i was like i've had president brie
fuck and he started laughing and i was like what he goes wait so you grew up in like because
probably not the projects but you grew up in a trailer i was like ew oh and he was like okay
tell me about your situation he's like did you have did you grow up in an apartment or a house
i'm like house i was like and he goes did you rent or own i'm like owned it he goes i hate to
break this to you but you weren't poor and i was like what i was like oh no we but i was he's like but you weren't so then i was like mom we weren't poor
she's like oh my i guess we were i was like you owned a house she's like it was a cape i'm like
that's still a mom that's a house like you owned a house yeah i didn't i was like my whole life
was a lie i'm not even poor.
You take everything from me.
I was just like, what the fuck is my life?
Yeah, I didn't know what poor was.
I knew what low class was.
I was like, definitely low class.
Yeah, I'm poor now.
Like, I'm poor.
Like, I would.
My kids were fucking poor.
Who knows, though?
I think poor, like, definitely has a definition to it.
Like, if we Googled poor, like, I don't think you're poor.
Right. I'm still fucked up. You drove here. I did. I'm not. I to it. Like if we Googled poor, like I don't think you're poor. Right.
I don't think you'd be here.
You drove here.
I did.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not even.
But like she fucked me up so much to think.
Yeah.
Because she grew up with a lot of money.
And then she married my father and who was like normal.
So she was like, my life is ruined.
We're so poor.
I was like.
I think I thought I was poor when I wore my mom's tights playing basketball.
So I was like, I was putting up shots in my mom's tights. And my dad was like, are you gay?
Like, what are you doing?
And I was like, dude, all the NBA players do it.
He was like, yo.
Like tights?
Like with feet?
Yeah.
He was like, yo, those are mom's fucking tights, bro.
I was like, bro, I'm a baller.
And then this other kid, like our neighbor came outside.
His name was uh i can't
say names but uh he was like a huge soccer player and we didn't even know if he spoke english like
i don't think he spoke english but we just played soccer with him yeah and he fucking tripped over
the soccer ball and his pants fell down and he was wearing a thong so i was like we were like
yo was that kid i was like bro like you want to be friends he's wearing a legit thong also a fashion innovator
just a fat spanish kid wearing his mom's thongs i was like bro we're gonna fucking kill it
do those tights dude those tights were so fucking comfy too oh yeah i'm not a tight my dad
had to sit me down and be like look if you're gay son like you gotta let me know and i was like dude
these are comfy man like you should try it until you try it that wow i think
i wonder like the that's the other thing too is that that my mother, so my mother, when I was growing up, owned a French restaurant
and my father had a,
like a pizza place,
just like a,
like a family style Italian.
But my father is Spanish and Irish
and owned an Italian restaurant
and my mother is German and Irish
and had a French restaurant.
I'm like,
what the fuck is going on?
You think there was some beef?
What's that?
You think there was beef?
I think they just,
it's just so weird
that like they didn't have
a restaurant that was either one of their nationalities or like whether you know it was
just like fucking weird they're definitely but the they hated each other so much but they both
loved each other's food so they would send me into like i was like dad i really want a um an
italian sub with no onions or cheese no no a vegetarian I really want a vegetarian sub with no cheese
and extra green peppers and he goes you tell that fucking witch I'm not gonna give her anything I'm
like I go back out I'm like so dad is uh busy right now but um she's like you tell that little
Spanish fuck that he better make my goddamn. I'm like, mom really loves sandwiches and she would be really happy.
So I have to go back and forth.
And then my father loved the duck at my mother's restaurant.
It was duck.
I never had duck.
Oh yeah.
It's good though.
It's very good.
It's very,
um,
uh,
like I don't love chicken or no,
it's,
um,
like it's like oily it's like uh
oh what is duck duck is uh like denser maybe a little oilier yeah but it's really good like i
don't i wouldn't order a duck breast which is what this is oh yeah um i like something called
duck confit which is uh it's just like like very thinly sliced and like um it just it's not like biting
into a duck which is not my favorite but anyway this happened to be like a quarter of a duck
my dad loved it so much and he goes and my mother knew that i would never order that
so she was like my dad but get me some duck larange i'm like jesus christ i'm like that's
like me going and asking you for a fucking vegetarian sub.
And he goes, just do it.
Just try it.
I was like, all right.
So I went in.
I'm like, Mom, can I have some duck larange?
And she was like, why don't you tell that Spanish fuck to make me a vegetarian sandwich
and we can split it.
We can make like a handoff.
So I'd have to do that.
I'd have to go back and forth.
Go back and forth.
Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of competition between restaurants.
They just don't like each other.
Especially like pizza places.
Yeah.
It's kind of funny.
Well, they wouldn't like compete against each other.
It was just like they secretly loved each other's food and it was just a nightmare.
It's hard to admit, yeah.
Yeah.
They would never just be like, hey, this is really good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's funny though.
Yeah, I know.
Now.
It was done like, oh, mom, i really have this hankering for some duck
i gotta try it honestly i hear like a lot of people eat the duck yeah and i'm like i've had
duck sauce and they're like you're fucking stupid man shut the fuck up and i'm like all right even
oh my god i i could say this liam mcgurk came to see me last week. And, uh, so we went out to this fancy restaurant for my daughter's graduation.
And so I was like,
I,
so I was like,
I'm between the tuna,
um,
and the steak.
And he was like,
Oh,
he's like,
yeah,
like whatever.
He's like,
like a tuna fish,
like a tuna sandwich.
I'm like,
no,
like a piece of tuna.
And he was like,
Oh,
I'd be like right on.
We're all like, Oh, it a piece of tuna. And he was like, oh, I'd be like right on. We're all like,
oh,
it's so cute though.
Yeah,
dude,
tuna sandwiches are the shit.
Honestly,
like when he mentioned it,
I was like,
it doesn't sound,
that sounds pretty good though.
Actually.
Yeah.
Some mayo,
put some mayo on there.
Yeah.
It was just so funny.
I was like,
that's,
he was like,
oh,
I'd be like,
cool.
Yeah.
I do stupid shit like that all the time.
Oh,
me too. Even speaking of lingerie, like I was talking to my friend on Xbox was like, oh, that'd be, like, cool. Yeah. I do stupid shit like that all the time. Oh, me too.
Even speaking of lingerie, like, I was talking to my friend on Xbox, and we were talking
about, like, porn categories.
You were talking about lingerie on Xbox?
Yeah.
No, we were talking about porn categories.
Oh, okay.
And he was like, oh, like, I love...
He was like, oh, I love, like, teens with big tits.
And I was like, oh, that's a solid one.
I was like, oh, I love lingery.
And he was like...
He was like, what?
He was like, dude, you mean lingerie and i was like nah dude lingering
you ever seen it the lazy shit yeah he was dude he laughed so fucking hard i was like that's not
funny dude he's like nah man that's fucking awesome um oh god my side like jesus i got his
son a roast beef sandwich and i was like hey i got son a roast beef sandwich.
And I was like, hey, I got you this roast beef sandwich.
But then I ate it.
He goes, where's that roast beef sandwich?
I'm like, oh, shit, I ate it.
He's like, fuck.
That's another good one, dude, roast beef.
I hate it, yeah.
Fuck, dude.
I love it.
Yeah, he's going to be like, what?
My son is so funny.
So my youngest son is pretty quiet. Everyone's like, oh, Gavin, he you know he's i call him pookie squish because he's my little one or that my other kids call him pookie
squish because like yeah and he'll just come up to me he's like he's like very quiet and every time
he sees me i'll be like watching tv or like paying bills and he'd be like like that like
pretend he's gonna punch me he'll like run up on me though he's like this friend's always doing he's
like what are you doing whore because i think it's so funny because he's like so sweet and
he's just kidding he's like fuck you mom eat shit bitch they're like i'm like oh you're so cute
yeah that's fucking hilarious
i mean i offered dinner one time and he was like, I was like, I think I'm going to get
the chicken.
He's like, you would, you fucking bitch.
He's such a cute little face.
That's hilarious.
But he'll just, like, run up on me.
He'll throw me off so bad.
He'll throw everyone off, too.
Yeah.
It's really funny.
Yeah.
I think it's hilarious.
Yeah, if I saw that, I'd probably have to go to the bathroom yeah
like if i was a restaurant running up on yeah totally i was like wait what did he say
um like even like the text he's like oh you fucking bitch like if i'm like hey i'm i'm
getting uh do you want ice cream oh i, I don't know. Just like, fuck you.
I'll show you what I look like when I was younger.
Yes, please.
Yeah, that was your boy.
Imagine me and my mom's tights.
That with a pair of tights.
Dude, that'd be hot as fuck, right?
Oh my God, you're like Bobby Hill.
Yo, I was bald.
Scored like 23 points that game.
Do you watch King of the Hill?
No.
No way.
It's so funny.
Is that still around?
Yeah, well, you can watch it on like,
I don't know if it's still on.
Yeah, but it is one
of the funniest shows ever and bobby so you know his dad is like hank hill and he sells propane
and he used to coach football yeah and then there's an episode where like hank gets the account for
the propane for this like renaissance fair and bobby wants to dress up so badly like in you know
the whole outfit and stuff and he was like and hank's wearing like
tights and stuff he goes dang it these tights are so hot whatever and bobby goes at least you get to
wear tights dude once i once i got leggings like men's leggings i was like just not the same game
changer oh no not the same not the same i just feel like the woman's i feel like the woman's
tights are just they they hold you in they're more breathable more breathable because like the the men's tights
are kind of like legitimate spandex but like woman's tights yeah yeah they're very thin yeah
like you could see my nuts through them like if i was just wearing them you know what i'm saying
nice ladies ladies love that just more breathable yeah then they're like, were they like pantyhose?
Yeah.
That's awesome.
You're an innovator.
I like it.
Just let me be me.
I will try.
I think that's wonderful.
Well, this was fun, man.
Seriously, thanks for coming.
Thank you for having me.
First female.
I think you fucking crushed it.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
You did a great job.
That was super fun.
I appreciate you for coming.
Seriously.
We'll see each other soon, honestly. See each other again. But I wish you fucking crushed it. Thank you. I really appreciate it. You did a great job. That was super fun. I appreciate you for coming. Seriously. We'll see each other soon.
Honestly.
See each other again.
But I wish you the best.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for having me.
It was a blast.
You're welcome.