The Johnny Salami Podcast - Michael Good

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

Michael Good by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Yeah, I need to... I gotta get a new phone, man, but... I just miss the days when, like...

You could just walk into, like a verizon dude and be like you know i have an upgrade like let's get it they just like give you a phone for free dude i also remember do you remember when like you look at phones and you decide the store which one looked the coolest like i remember i got like a razor and the first thing i did with the phone is i took a picture of my penis it was like the way the razor worked is there was a screen on the top half of it. So if you fold your phone and it's on the table, the top half of it has a screen. So I remember taking a picture of my penis

and I clipped it to my pants. So there was just a smaller picture of my penis right where the zipper was of my pants. Well, that was like the first phone that had a camera, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the one that could go both ways, right? No.

Well, it was like. Oh, it was the narrow one? Yeah, it was like a really thin phone. And then it was like they had a screen on top where it should have the time or like it would tell you if you had a text message. But you could have a background on there. So like, yeah, that's where I did the penis picture. But it was also like you could take video on it, too. I remember like the first phone I had, I take video and oh shit dude we did jackass

like immediately like we saw jackass we were like oh we should just do jackass because that's yeah like that's how they did it so they're like don't recreate this but in my mind i was like well we'll just recreate this and send this to jackass yeah and that's what i would do uh once i got the iphone but never with uh i think i had like the nv2 or something yeah and i know i never sent to dick pic man back then yeah but i kind of uh i don't think i did till an iphone but i think i just took it because i was oh you didn't send it you just had it in the fucking camera roll yeah yeah because i just thought it was funny to have it like uh just clipped over my pants like i don't know how to the clip thing's hard to scrap it clipped down so like it was just hanging right where my wiener would be but

um yeah no i didn't send dick pics for a while but then i remember when this one girl would sexed with me when i was like really young she's this asian chick i was like seventh grade she was like eighth grade and she said crazy shit she's like i want you to shoot jizz down my throat and what i would do is i delete every text message on my phone besides that yeah so if anybody saw my phone that was like oh what's that yeah no i'm just texting with some hot agent holy shit man you started young bro yeah i started sexting like a few months ago yeah no joke man i've never uh i think i just started sexting this year yeah because bitches will send me like videos of their titties in a PetSmart parking lot, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's usually how it is. I think Jamie Wolf has a joke about it. Sexting is never two people in bed. It's always one person's at Walmart. It's awesome, dude. It's the best. You just get too boned up sometimes, though. Oh, yeah, dude.

Dude, I'll sext in between so many activities. Like, I'll sext. Oh, really? You're out in public? A little bit. Just out there hard, dude? Well, I'll make sure I go soft before I leave. Because I live with two dudes.

I mean, if I live with two girls, I wouldn't also do this. You know, just tuck it up, too. Yeah. I mean, if you're a real man, you just walk out with a full hard on. Yeah, yeah. But I'm not. I'm a coward. Which, maybe one day i can live

up to real man's standards but for now i tuck it in and then i'll go get like a fucking chopped cheese and then come back once she answered the text message and then said another thing oh shit man you're doing it in intervals i just started like six times oh really you see that yeah that was wild i was like the worst one is i told you about how my mom got my sex, right? No, dude. Is your mom hot? I don't think so. But you know, you know what?

Maybe. Yeah. She might be hot. Wait, should I pull up a picture of my mom and you can tell me you think she's hot? If you want, man. I don't know if you want a bunch of dudes and not one where your mom looks like. No, no, no. We'll hide it from the camera so we get a gesture of it.

I mean, I'm going to put it out there. Because everyone's going to want to know that is true yeah but uh i was like 19 i was sexting with this girl i was saying like crazy shit like fucking tongue in your butthole all this fun stuff and uh she uh i get a call from my dad and i just got a new phone that day and then i get a call from my dad and he's like your mom is getting every single one of your text messages right now. Oh, shit. So I never logged out of the iCloud. Because I thought the iCloud, I thought I was just sharing music, you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's like my parents bought a bunch of Rolling Stones albums. Like, I want that on my phone. Sure. I thought that's what it would be. But it turns out she was at tennis, and her phone was in her purse. These texts were just building up. So she was just getting like, dick pic, dick pic, pussy pic, dick pic.

And then me just being like, oh, you know wait you were sending dick pics oh yeah i was 19 yeah so she just saw the vainest cock pics and it was like and you weren't getting answers either you're just going after no no no i was getting answers not for my mom but from the woman oh yeah that would be really funny i'm just like i'm obviously gonna get rejected i'm like hey uh sorry that's a bad angle let me get better lighting all blue i swear it gets bigger but um yeah no it was like she didn't talk to me for fucking like three months and uh my dad was talking to my brother and he's like i grew up in the 70s i thought i saw some weird stuff but your little brother is one sick kid that's crazy man just firing them off yeah well in my mind i was like oh okay well like this is the worst and i was like my life is over like but everybody else thought it was funny it

took a while for me to think it was funny i was like no this is a family emergency my mom saw my heart cock that's tough dude yeah well we're like dinner's like after that we dropped it but then randomly somebody will bring it up. Randomly, my brother will be like, yeah, that time that mom got your dick pics. I'm like, we're not talking about that. I kind of want to know if your mom's hot, dude. I'll pull up a picture of my mom. But you have to now pull up a picture of your mom.

No, I'm not putting my mom out there, dude. We're not putting her out there. I'm very defensive of my mom, dude. I'm like the water boy. I'm the opposite. I just want her to get love. I don't know. I'll be offended if you say it.

It's pretty sick to have a hot mom. I don't know. Let's see what this picture looks like. That's her a couple years ago. Holy shit, dude. Is my mom hot yeah she's not even hot she's beautiful man that's what she looks like right now that was a few years ago yeah that was like when i was in high school all right she's like missing an eye now she has like no teeth that's whatever man yeah she's in a wheelchair she has a neck cast yeah that's fucking sick though your mom's hot i kind of i kind of saw you as like someone with a hot mom yeah well i grew up like rich normally if you grew up like rich you have a hot mom yeah yeah

you do you give off like a rich vibe too yeah yeah i try to bring up like poor references sometimes and you just like i'm confused yeah you're like what is this food state yeah i'm talking about listening like shania twain and like a beat beat up car and you're just like what i don't understand yeah you've never been through that dude no or food stamps they stamp your hands and you show them it's like it's like when you get into a nightclub you're like these are my food i don't know how it works yeah um but it is funny too because i will say this it's like uh nah i'm not gonna i was gonna try to give myself validity i'm just rich it's fine i want i always whenever i come off as like oh i was born rich i want to be like yeah but i had poor friends no no no i did but yeah i'm not gonna get defensive every fucking comic wants to like either go one way or the other they want to

like be like oh it sucks that i was rich i'm so sorry that i'm rich i'm part of the problem yeah or they want to be like dude my i was raised by wolves and every day i lived off of salt packets as a fellow poor person dude it's better to just be like yeah i'm rich as fuck man yeah it's better to like brag about it yeah you know'm rich as fuck, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's better to, like, brag about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Like, there's a comedian, Lucas Zelnick. Yeah.

He'll openly just brag, be like, yeah, I'm just rich as fuck, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just loaded. And it's like, all right, I mean, I respect that, dude. Yeah, totally, yeah. But there are some comics, dude, who are like, there's a comic in mass, dude, who's, like, loaded, like, with generational wealth, and it's been like published in like newspapers and shit yeah and he'll always pretend like he's like a blue collar and it's so frustrating you know

not that i should care but it's always like he'll always try to like bring it like bring up random shit yeah be like would love to like hang out today with the wife but i gotta do some fucking work and it's like dude you don't have a fucking job yeah that's it yeah yeah it's insane man that's such a lot yeah for me it's like it's like i uh i wish i was like that i'm not like loaded but it's like you know i'm 27 and i'll still borrow money from my parents which is sad but it's what it is yeah that sounds like everyone in uh new york city though yeah it seems like a pretty social norm yeah you know yeah it's not a proud moment but at least you're honest about it dude yeah totally yeah yeah yeah

i just hate people who like pretend they're like yeah man it's a grind out there i'm like do you wake up at four in the afternoon yeah you have nothing to worry about yeah yeah yeah that is the thing too is if everything collapses like it'll suck if i have to move with my parents but they would accept they would accept it they would accept it. They would probably be excited, man. Yeah. They'd be like, you're not going to be on the internet talking about jizz again.

This is great. Yeah. This is less embarrassing. But you living at home is less embarrassing than you posting far podcast clips. Like what if I forwarded calm out of my ass? Yeah. Yeah. It would be for the best,

man. Yeah. She, that was really funny. My mom was, I had a friend sit down with her and she's like, have you listened to his podcast it's absolutely repulsive she's like it's the most disgusting thing ever is what your

mom said no that's what one of her friends said to her and she's like i've seen his hard penis his podcast is nothing she didn't say that but she was she literally was like why would i listen to my son's podcast she's like it's not for me i think about that a lot man if uh i think my mom listens but i don't know she doesn't really say much about it so i think she knows yeah i'm retarded yeah but it's kind of like whatever you know yeah that's lovely i had my grandparents listen to it it was like a nightmare they were like i had this story about how like my sister had this life-sized barbie doll head yeah like you'd comb its hair but its head was like and it's life-sized mouth too so like when i was a kid i tried to put my penis inside

yeah i was gonna i was gonna say say man you playing around with that thing yeah spin Just Jeffrey Dahmer home. It's just like a head so that if you if you get walked in on just fucking ahead It looks like a lot of depth Now I think I got like I remember I got like I I was a little kid But I think I got like the tip the penis tip just kind of like yeah You know just the mushroom tip against the seal but i just blew a load yeah and they just handed it back to i'm like i don't know who's coming inside this thing but it's just drooling gum i'm like i don't know who did this

but i remember my fucking grandparents listened to that they were like disgusted because i think like they got her the present and they were just like oh my god yeah it's kind of what he expects back to the uh back to the dick pic thing though man one time i was like i was kind of flirting with this girl like over text this was back in like high school dude and uh her boyfriend found out and he like wanted to fight me oh and i was like dude why do you want to fight me and he was like dude you sent a dick pic to my girlfriend and i I was like, no, I didn't. Dude, so he sends me the dick pic that someone sent her, bro? Huge cop, dude.

You're like, never mind, fight me. That was my spread the word. That was me. Just like an eight-incher flaccid. I was like, my bad, dude. You know, it happens. Yeah. That was me. I'll take a push i think he was pissed about like how big it was yeah of course he's just sending her straight up

hammers yeah i'm pissed that people are sending dick pics that big we should fucking shut that down it's not easy man sending look kids penises we all agree should be taken out big penises also don't send them. There should be a reverse child porn law where if you have a big enough penis, just because it will discourage the rest of the male population. We need to set the standards too low. It's unfair beauty expectations for women. You might be rich in real life, but as far as dick pics go, you're lower class.

Lower class. I'm like, you know what it is? I got an average penis, but it gets rashes a lot yeah i've always wondered like what rich dicks look like because a lot of people who i've uh who have met who have like had sex with rich women they're always like yeah dude like you can't even smell the roast beef dude it's like going to an arby's that's like scentless yeah yeah that's definitely a thing and i'm saying i've it's really interesting because like i uh so i got out of a relationship and then i i i don't i don't want to take credit

and be a poor guy i'm not i'm not i'm not trying to steal your valor i'm not trying to hop in here saying yeah but i lived on an air mattress for a couple months and that was a weird time where i was banging a lot of wrist chicks but you know what somebody explained to me they go even if i don't have money at the moment this was after the breakup yeah or during after the break yeah yeah during that so you said you lived uh with like she was still living there right yeah i gave her the apartment i started just i was couch surfing that would have been sick though if you were living on the air max getting pussy in the same apartment i'm like we're broken up yeah yeah but um no that was the thing too i was i was like i was like i was like when i was technically homeless i was getting like a lot of i was banging rich

chicks and then my roommate brought up to me he's like yeah because you give off rich even if you lose all the money there's still you still grew up rich so that persona is still it's like a scent to you dude yeah yeah yeah that's pretty sick have you ever brought it up around a girl you just kind of like roll with it? No, not really. I'm working on a bit about it because it's like one of those things where like everybody feels bad for people that have, you know, bad childhoods. But if you have a good childhood, everything afterwards fucking sucks. Like I got blown in my dad's Range Rover when I was 16.

It's like, do you know how much life sucks after? I thought I thought it would keep getting better. I'm like, once you've had a taste of that, everything is fucking terrible. You're like, you know. I mean, we're seeing it right now. You see that with a lot of comics. Like, something bad happens, and they, like, go to, like, a fucking therapist. Yeah, yeah.

They say they have, like, clinical depression. It's like, no, you're just sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're just, this is life, dude. Yeah, yeah, life. I'm just adjusting to what life is for everybody else, and it's yeah that must be wild man yeah dude i'm pretty happy i've just been used to it i'm like oh that's great you know yeah i see a guy like shitting in the road i'm like whatever dude like i've seen that shit yeah yeah you know but if you're rich seeing that's

like wow oh it's a nightmare you know especially like in florida it's like dude i was just out on boats having a good time, taking Xanax, going canoeing with my buddies, just hanging out by pools, dropping end bombs, drop, dropping jet skiing. Nobody's stopping me.

No, nobody's stopping. Just the criminal. They're encouraging it, dude, down there. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Insider trading, all these things. And, uh, then you get here and it's like, nope, it's none of that.

No jet skis. None of that. Yeah. It makes life fun though, dude. What does i feel i actually feel i don't really feel bad for poor people because they're always kind of having like a good time they always find a way to like do fun shit and like retarded shit yeah but like rich people are just always bored because they can just like get whatever they want well i will say this there's a huge rich difference between northeast wrist and florida rich because like the rich people up here are kind of like cunts and they're kind of like oh

like it's like old money yeah but like florida rich is like some retarded car salesman that like now made a bunch of money and now he has like he's like the dad that has like a cigar hanging out of his mouth he's stepping on the backs of his sperrys you know what i mean he's just like drunk as shit you're talking about like ford lauderdale yeah yeah yeah that's like a very fun like those rich people it's like i got confused when i moved up paper and everybody's like fuck the rich i was like these guys are fun dudes yeah they're the kind of guys where like they're like come on feel my wife's tits they're real and you're like this is great yeah yeah yeah because they uh don't people move down there though yeah retire yeah yeah a lot of them might be from

like different areas you get that too yeah yeah but one of my one of my friends dads is like a rich like party animal and this guy like they're loaded but he's just the funnest guy it's like this guy got like kicked out of a country club because there's a serious golf competition or got banned for a year there's serious golf competition he wore a kilt with no boxers on and would like moon people on each hole yeah they like crash the golf cart into the lake and then they're like for a year you can't go back and like what a fun guy dude yeah yeah but it's fun it's fun yeah yeah yeah having some dudes like that man when you're older is uh definitely like a goal yeah i am you know

yeah i think at this pace though man like i had I had, like, seven beers when we went to that party, the New York Comedy Club. And even having seven beers, dude, I feel like I lost, like, ten years of my life, dude. Really? Yeah. I had, like, seven Bud Lights, dude. That's crazy. And I got kind of, like, a glimpse of hope, like a glimpse of glimpse of like flashbacks to the old J-Dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, smelling pussy and like screaming shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were at a, we were like a rager beforehand. I don't know how we got in. Like Andy knew some dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And dudes, we show up and there's just like titties everywhere. I'm so mad I didn't go to that.

I went to the fucking comedy shop. Yeah, dude, it was, it was titty city, dude. And then there's like a dj he's bumping like techno up top there's like a blackjack table damn and there was just like these hot chicks in front of us and i turned to uh like my friend brendan i'm like dude you should scream dick cheese right now yeah and dude he literally dude he screamed dick cheese at the top of his lungs as if like his life, like it was like someone had like a gun to his head. Yeah. And I was just joking. Like I was like, I didn't expect him to yell dick cheese.

But dude, it was so loud and there was like so much emotion involved. Yeah. And the hot chicks were like so upset. And I just got some like flashbacks to the old days man you know when that was like all we did was scream penis at bars and just see titties man see i just i have such a different thing it's where like i i uh i'm on the other side of that where like i i need to drink less i am getting like so fucked up all the time oh really yeah but not like a depressing way I mean maybe it's depressing from the outside but from the inside I'm like I'm just

living it up because we're all gonna die one day and then people I don't know my roommates don't drink so nothing makes you feel more like an alcoholic than when you come home drunk and they're not drinking you're like we all had a crazy night and they're like no they probably look forward to it though now maybe Maybe. I don't know. It's probably like internalized thing where I think that there. Could be all in your head. Yeah. Yeah.

You never know when you're drinking. People can get annoyed and you're like, these people fucking love me, dude. Yeah. Oh yeah. I had like, dude, I went to a wedding this weekend and I fucking like, or last weekend and I borrowed or whatever was not Halloween, but I borrowed fucking this guy's shirt, threw up all over this guy's shirt yeah borrow this guy's shoes same guy's shoes just fucking destroyed his shoes on the dance floor snorted my adderall yeah just like was a complete retard all weekend and then i remember though

looking like each moment of that weekend i was like nobody's as awesome as me like just thinking i was like the best guy like there's probably people that hated me at that point. Yeah. I like doing it. You gotta space it out. Yeah. That's what I tell everyone, man.

Like, once a month, just go out and just let it rip. That is how you do it. You can't be doing it every week, man.

No, you can't. That's when problems arise. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I remember, like,

I remember going to my friend's graduation party and, like, his whole family's there. And they told me to hang out like afterwards because they were kind of having like a party in the back. You know, it's kind of like the late hours of the night. Everyone's kind of hammered and stuff. So we're all hammered, dude. Like his whole family's hammered and we're like dancing in the back and stuff.

hammered dude like his whole family's hammered and we're like dancing in the back and stuff and i sat down for a few minutes and my friend's mom who's like a milf was like john like don't be a pussy like start dropping some dance moves dude i'm like hammered like i'm gone so i took a bottle of tea i was dude it's like half full popped open, like put it between my legs and started waving it around. Like it was my dick. And dude, I was soaking their dog with it. It got so quiet. Like it was, it was dead silence. That's so funny.

And everyone was hammered. Like it was, it was so bad that like everyone was like, this kid has a problem. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't like, fuck yeah. Like it was like, this guy needs problem yeah you know what i mean like it wasn't like fuck yeah like it was like this guy needs to go home yeah you know there's one of there's one of me that from that weekend too there's a video of me shirtless just in pants yeah and my friend's dad said i look like david hasselhoff i feel you take your shirt off a lot dude you uh one of those

guys once you hit a few like a threshold are you just taking it off not a not out of pride i'll get naked a lot too just out of like in front of in front of dudes of course of course yeah no just for just for fun good times like uh but there's this video of me just shirtless in like dress pants with a bottle of whiskey just talking about my breakup just like yeah it's pretty rough year but like you know we're gonna get through it guys and stuff like that and it's it's yeah that one is embarrassing i look like and then i'm like laying on the ground drinking the bottle it looks what were you what were you saying oh i was just saying uh just you know stupid shit yeah you ever reach out to her when you're hammered no thank god dude it's crazy i have it that's like insane that i've never done that either, but I've seen people do it, and it's one of the best things to witness.

I'm more of the like I'll send out five horny text messages, like very vaguely. Yeah, yeah. I'll just look at my phone at like 4 a.m. and be like, yo. It's never like, hey, let's fuck. It's just like, hey, you know, I was really thinking that we should grab drinks again, but I'm saying it like 4 a.m. It's like obviously I just want to. You're talking like solid fives? Like who are you ripping it towards? I'm ripping it towards everybody, dude. I don't, you know, I just want to. You're talking like solid fives? Like, who are you ripping it towards?

I'm ripping it towards everybody, dude. I don't, you know, I think all these guys that say they have standards, they don't actually like pussy. Yeah. They're like, oh, I fuck one hot girl a month. Dude, I fuck fat chicks, old ladies. That's like being like, oh, I like music, and you like one band. You're like, oh, yeah, of course, Led Zeppelin's good,

but you got to enjoy everything in between, yeah. Yeah, I'm ripping. When I'm cocked, man, I'm messaging fatties left and right i'm talking like 300 pound like straight up left tackles oh for sure let's meet up right now i'll meet you at the yes i'll meet you at the food truck we can get into it yeah and they always answer they're like uh it's a little too late but they're like but that's so they're not they're answering they're nice ladies they're nice ladies yeah i remember one time this fat girl was sucking my dick, and I wrapped my legs around her just to feel how fat she was, because it was hotter than me. I was like, you're so fucking fat.

This is awesome. It was great. You could reach your legs around her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess, I just have flexibility. She was fat. Yeah. But then she found out I talked about it on the podcast and got really mad at me.

Yeah. But I was like, I don't think fat's think fats like i like fat chicks it's not like an insult i'm not like oh they're disgusting human beings i'm like no they're fucking hot in my book like i like the it's a lot of women and it's kind of like the ones with good personalities are just like uh the best man yeah and it's like there's something i like about it's like an intimidation thing she's like i can suffocate you with my ass i'm like that's hot there's like, there's something I like about it. It's like an intimidation thing. She's like, I can suffocate you with my ass. And I'm like, that's hot. There's like a new breed now though, dude, of fatties that have like confidence. And it's like, dude, what, what are you doing?

But you know what? I know that annoys a lot of people, but for me, it gets me stiff because for me, it's like, it makes me feel even lower. Cause I'm like, oh, you're fat and you're being mean to me. What am I in an intimidating way? That's like, you should go to long Island, man. That to me? What am I? In an intimidating way that's like... You should go to Long Island, man. That's where I was this weekend, dude.

A lot of fat chicks there? Went through the worst experience of my life, man. What happened? I met a woman who I hope I never see again, dude. Okay. But yeah, there was the showroom, right? And then they didn't have a green room, dude. So the back bar, there was a curtain,

kind of like that curtain, splitting it in half. So like one side was for the comics and the other side was just the bar, dude. So like the show's going on, like I just get off stage or whatever. And I'm watching the headliner from the back through like a window. And it's just me, right? And then the host comes back there, sits down. And then like this fat chick comes back starts getting like hammered off like margaritas yeah she's got like a like a balloon uh tattoo uh no it's like a it's

like a balloon tied to her hand oh yeah it was her birthday yeah so she's like talking it up or whatever and dude i'm watching the show and i get a text from the host of the show. And it's a woman. It's like a married woman. She goes, hey, are you into this chick next to me? Like, she wants you. And I read the text and just put my phone back in my pocket. And I'm like, dude, you can't turn around. They're right behind me.

They're watching me to see if I'm reading the text. Dude, the rest of the show, I was just locked in on the headline i'm like don't even move dude don't move just like there's like a fucking tiger or a bear looking at you you're just like i could hear what she was saying like i could hear the things i could i could paint a picture perfectly of like who she was as a person yeah yeah i mean the blue i mean clearly she's like an attention whore with the balloon tied to her and stuff like that like she paid for the show and she's in the back like that just says everything yeah you know i also think she was talking during my set which is like the worst yeah but dude you should have popped your balloon yeah the show taking a needle gun no i don't want to fuck you yeah fuck you fuck your birthday yeah but dude the show ended and then she decided to talk to me yeah yeah

and it was so bad dude she was trying to change do you think the balloon is so she just like feels less heavy like they can attach a bunch of her to her she's like oh i could actually kind of walk around easier now yeah she was a little lighter yeah a little more agile yeah yeah well no she was like somebody put this balloon on me and I can't get it off. And I was just like, I don't give a fuck, dude. Yeah, yeah. You for sure tied that to your arm just so you could talk to people. Yeah, just like the worst type of person, dude.

But, dude, she ended up screaming at me. Why? Just because you wouldn't fuck her? Because I wasn't listening to her. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like she said something and I was like, what did you say? And she was like, she just started yelling at me dang and then i just like went out the back and snuck around and started talking to other people

but i was just like damn that chick sucks dude yeah yeah blows i would have probably had sex with her but that's just awesome you would have for sure yeah yeah there's always debate with the transgender stuff like what is a woman was not only if i would have sex with you then you're a woman because my standards are if you're a woman i love sex yeah well i mean dude what if you hooked up with a man who you thought was a woman like during halloween or something like you couldn't tell who they were in the costume and you ended up like getting after it with them well my thing is this so i have banged a trans woman by accident with a pussy um she had a pussy though yeah yeah so you're saying i i you banged a fake pussy yeah yeah

what was that like fucking awesome i found out three years later tightest vagina i've ever had sex with holy shit she was 49 but her vagina was fucking was it just like two chicken breasts like stapled together no it was like uh no it was like super tight because they don't like match it with the face because she's like 49 but they're like like, man, we're not we're not going to give you like a let it rip inside of her. I didn't know. So I wore a condom in like she had a very strong presence. I was like, oh, that's because she's, you know, a trend there because she's a cougar. I thought it was like a cougar.

And I found out later she was trans and I fucked her ass cheeks, too, which no operation was done. You fucked her ass cheeks. Yeah. It's called an ass job. I learned later. I've never heard that before man yeah it's like you're doing doggy and then you pull out and then you just kind of hot dog bun it wow and it feels really good yeah first time i've heard this yeah yeah but i found out three years later she was trans and then um dude so you were hot dog and a dude. Yeah, well, now that I'm... It's funny because I have a whole bit about it.

Now the whole part of the bit is I'm like, no, they're all real women, but it's just because I fucked. My perspective changed. Now I'm like the biggest defender of trans women because I'm like, they are real women and I'm not gay. Was it hairy? No, no, hairless. Well, her pussy was totally hairless and she's like, it's because I'm Native. You're talking about her ass. No, no, no.

Because I feel like most men's asses are pretty much like a... Yeah, but if you're a trans, you're really trying to like fucking... You're really trying to like... Yeah, lock in, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, trans women are like more feminine a lot of times than actual women because they're like, I cannot blow my cover. You know what I mean? They're like, I'm full secret agent.

Yeah. I'm not... This cover's not getting blown. But yeah, yeah her pussy there's no hair on it she's like yeah it's because i'm native american and i was just trying to be respectful towards native americans i was like i know that about your people that you guys don't grow hair down there yeah but it's really just because it was an origami of flesh that was cut in and out you should have sex with squanto dude it's like a straight up red skin yeah but uh yeah it's funny too because it's like yeah it's funny too because like in my mind like that was like a one-time thing and i like would

not do it again but then now i'm on the dating apps there's a lot of trans chicks that are like fucking hot and i'm like a chick with the dick is unattractive to me but i'm like i bet you like a couple beers and like a good slideshow and i could be convinced like if you like one of these hot trans chicks just like yeah gives me five beers and goes look just give me give me three minutes of your time and then just explains to me why it's not gay i'll be like yeah okay i'll fucking do it yeah this is a trans uh comedian who who asked me on a date yeah you probably know of yeah now performs at a club you're, I do know who it is now that you just said you probably know them. I wonder if she's asking a lot of other dudes out. Yeah.

I don't know if it's the one I'm thinking it's she's odd. Yeah. Pretty good looking. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I saw that person in public, I'd have to take like, you know,

take a few looks. Yeah. Well, I'm also like, I've done so much other gay shit at this point i'm like yeah sure fucking i don't know i've accidentally fucked a trans woman i've had fingers in my ass i'm like it's tough man because you're hanging out with a dude well i've done well i've also done that where i've double teamed a chick with a dude wow and that's fun because afterwards you

get to hang out with the boy you know you know normally you like have chick with a dude. Wow. And that's fun because afterwards you get to hang out with the boy. You know, normally you have sex with a woman and then you brag to your guy friend, you're like, I fucked a woman. When you double-team a chick, you're like, dude, wasn't that sick when we just fucked that woman five seconds ago? They're like, it was sick, dude. Yeah, you might be gay, dude. No, dude, I'm so... I mean, that's what a gay, that's what a closeted homosexual would say see i just i grew up from an era where like when i where i grew up it was like

if you were uncomfortable with your sexuality everybody would call you gay yeah like if you're going streaking and somebody's like i don't take my pants up what are you a fucking fag you're not gonna go naked dancing with the boys that's like that was the attitude so wow but maybe that might be a rich thing dude yeah yeah because if i'm hard in front of like bunch of dudes, I'm like, what are you guys, gay? Yeah, but it's like we're talking about banging a chick. Like, okay, it's you, four black guys, and Tim's, and somebody's wife. You're not hopping in there and being like.

If I'm close with them. Dude, so three, six mafias playing, you got a do-rag on, you're not hopping in there? If three, six mafias playing, I have to hop in. Right. But if it's not playing, I'm not hopping in. Right, okay,ia's playing, you got a do-rag on, you're not hopping in there? If 3-6 Mafia's playing, I have to hop in. Right. But if it's not playing, I'm not hopping in. Right. Okay. That's fair.

Yeah. That is a funny thing because like black dudes are really homophobic, but they will all, they're all like on board with the train thing. That's like a thing that's like accepted. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're talking about like a good, you know, that's a good genre of music, man. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. It's impossible not to hop in. No, exactly. That's like if you're high and drunk and fucking rock you like a hurricane place like you're gonna drive through a fucking house drunk as shit yeah yeah no like nobody's stopping you man yeah we were i was looking into that the other day the ryan dunn from jackass death that guy was going like fucking like 100 miles how'd he die he died drunk driving but it was like 120 miles an hour it's like something is insane you're like, dude, the second.

I almost thought I was going to die coming home from this beach trip. So I just want to explain this real quick. I was getting really fucked up at the beach for this wedding. And then my buddy drove me home. And the sun is setting and Creed is playing. And we're just merging onto the highway. And he's just going. And I was like, there's a moment where I go.

This is where I die. I go, look look i don't want to die right now but if there was a day i was going to die this is where i'd want to happen and i just i was like almost positive just because of the perfection of like a great weekend the sun setting leaving the beach and just creed playing i was like dude this is where i am gonna fly through a window with just can you take me you wouldn't feel a thing either no dude it'd be incredible it would be the blink of an eye man yeah yeah but which is like if i die in a drunk driving accident so be it if i get disabled from a drunk driving accident then fuck me oh dude that's what i'm saying it's like that's why you should go fast it's like i think about that all the time when i'm on the highway i'm like dude if i turn the wheel a little bit to the left yeah like i

hope i hope i die like i don't want to like lose a few legs yeah then you got to go to high schools and give like speeches about how like you shouldn't drive drunk and whatnot now how i used to think farts are funny and now i'm like a now i have like a roth ira yeah like that would suck dude that would be funny you got in a fart car accident like because you moved your cheek you're like you should never fart while driving you moved your cheek and it fucking threw off the balance they have like a dash cam of it yeah just me blacking out i do want to say this me and my roommate had a really funny joke about you that i got to bring up to you yeah so we're talking about how like the age of consent should really

be based this is patty defino i'll. So we were talking about how like the age of consent should really be based. This is Patty DeFino. I'll credit somebody. He's talking about how the age of consent should be based on maturity. Yeah. Instead of, because that's really what it's all about, right?

How mature this person is. So he said what they should do is they put you in a theater and they play fart noises and videos. And if you laugh, you can't get pussy. We're talking about just you being in there with all kids just like,

fuck, dude, I get pussy at all. No no because you're not mature enough to have sex so it's like it's just you and all these kids you're like god damn dude i can't fucking yeah i'd be fucked man yeah i'd be so fucked i'm still waiting for the day dude where it just doesn't it's not funny yeah that's kind of how i am you've never you've never been like a big fart guy no i think they're funny i don't think they're as funny as gay dudes and down syndrome like those two things just like yeah you're a big like trans gay what are you just calling me gay this whole podcast but it is like one of those things where it's like dude i don't think i'm homophobic but i will never not giggle with two dudes kissing. It's so funny to me, dude. It's so fucking funny to me, dude.

Dude, it's like even like, dude, even like Anderson Cooper, when he's just like he gets on the thing and he's like, there's a war going on in Ukraine. I'm like, didn't you just get cum in your butt? Like, it's so funny to me. I can't get past it. Yeah, that's funny because like people, people are watching, like, funny reels and shit, and you're just watching dudes make out. You're like, yo, check this out, dude. So if you saw, like, a gay porno, you'd be, like, laughing your ass off. Oh, so funny.

And I can't, like, it's so funny, too, because I've decided how this equation works. So homosexuality isn't funny, but male-on-male homosexuality is funny. Because, like, sex is funny. Men are funny. Butts are funny. Butt sex with men is just funny. It's every piece of the equation for funny is there. And there's probably farts involved, too.

It's fucking hilarious. Yeah. So if, like, two like two dudes like maturely make out in front of you just start dying laughing if one of them went oh yes if one of them moaned dude it just it just it just tickles me in a way that's why it's like hard for me to understand like the it's so funny to me that's way it's way more immature than like laughing at farts dude oh yeah if you're in like a professional set oh i don't know if yeah oh i'm gonna go to a gay marriage and just be dying laughing in the back and they're gonna be like you can't be doing this

yeah yeah man i've never seen two dudes like fuck like i don't really want to but you ever accidentally seen gay porn no i've seen brokeback mountain actually no i have watched a gay porno yeah i just wanted to see if i could be gay yeah everybody's fucking you got to like test it before you go out there saying you're not gay no of course i was like aggressively jerking off yeah yeah like i was trying yeah i mean i'm like dude let's get it yeah let's do this have an open mind yeah yeah you know watch like at least 10 minutes like let's get it and nothing nothing dude i tried so hard yeah you know see i've gotten like i've i've done them where i've accidentally like what i do is i look at my porn on google search so like uh if i go to google images so i look like blonde gets

fucked in the ass and if you're not specific enough, dudes will pop up. Yeah. So I've seen it. I've looked at it. I've kind of squinted a little bit. I think that's your settings though. What do you mean? Or it's just like your phone's like, this guy's gay.

Oh yeah. My phone thinks I'm everything. Yeah. But, uh, I've, I've had that happen before actually, but I think it's cause my settings got a little messed up. Yeah. It's like, what are you looking for? Yeah.

Or like you said if you type it in wrong yeah well it's like i i do google images because then you could see all the videos from the different websites if you go to google images and look up what you want to see in porn you can see all these just thumbnails of different videos so i'll do that and i've seen it where it's dudes fucking and i i look at it for a second and i go not for me yeah yeah oh you only look for a second? Maybe I need to look for longer. You got to go into the depths, brother. Yeah, maybe I need to.

I mean, at worst comes to worst, man, you have a good laugh. That's true. Or you come out of the closet, you know, like either one's pretty cool. Yeah, well, I think the thing, too, is, like, if I, like, I think it's one of those things where it's, like, yeah, you can't. You got to go all the way through to the point where you're just, like, you've seen it all. It's a tough subject, man, because, because like i say gay so much yeah like it's gay fuck dude like

all that shit like it's always that's like my whole vocabulary yeah but like i tried to like write jokes about gay shit and it's just like it doesn't work man really or i'm just not funny but like i had a funny guy i thought i had a really good premise man yeah it was like uh i mean i've i got some uh i got some finger action recently okay a little bit of smell my finger action dude you know i'm back at it yeah but previous to that you know i was struggling a lot wait can i pause you for one second yeah i don't like the smell of pussy unless it's on my finger. Like, if I'm eating pussy, I don't like it. But when I just later on go, there's nothing better than pussy on your own fingers. I feel the same way, man.

Yeah, yeah. You know what's even better is, like, if you don't wash your hands. Yeah, yeah. And then you let the boys know what's good. Yeah, of course. You're like, yo, smell my fingers, brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if I was a king, that's what I would do before.

That's what I would do before battle. Yes, yes mr jonathan i will give it a sniff thank you for letting us partake in this yeah that'd be sick though if like like braveheart did that just riding on a horse and just like just a line of thousands of men just like waiting on what he's about to say and he just holds up his fingers yeah it's like smell my fingers brothers yeah it is it but for some reason it smells different than like just straight pussy to the face yeah i don't know if i've ever smelled straight pussy to the face man yeah that might be a warning like a warning shot yeah yeah um but sorry continue you what was that i was talking about you figured some chick and you're doing a gay joke yeah i tried telling this joke man uh where i was like i think i'm just gonna come out of the closet not because i'm gay just because i can't get pussy yeah yeah so it'd

be kind of like uh like an nfl type trade you know yeah we're just like yeah like things just didn't work out here like i'm looking you know i'm looking forward to like a new opportunity just go to the other side see what happens you know um it was just like a joke idea but like when i talked about that i just remember like how uncomfortable people got you know so i'm just you know i'm not joking but it's like you know yeah i think it's kind of funny to talk about gay shit like that oh totally well it's one of those things too where like people just want to pretend like it's not funny but it's like it's it's always i don't know i it's always gonna be funny until it's not and it just continues to be hilarious to me yeah it's weird man because

it's like every time i say gay it's it's not gay it's almost like it's almost like if you are being gay that's not gay yeah of course yeah it's like a reverse psychology type thing yeah well it's like it's like you have to be straight to be gay like when you say my friend is being gay it's only because he's being like it's a straight yeah you know i mean it's like louis has a joke about the word retarded he He's like, you want to call somebody retarded. You wouldn't be like, you're so retarded. You're like, they'd be like going to a chair and being like,

you're a chair. It's like, why would you fucking do that? You're calling. Yeah. It's like words. There's, I say this, there's a lot of different versions of gay.

So there's gay as in homosexuality. There's gay as in happy. There's gay as in, uh, like, you know, uh, fanny packs, yelp reviews stuff like that yeah which is different than homosexual like rollerblading ah that's more homosexual i know actually that's the third guy that's that's okay so there's heterosexual adjacent things like uh

ice skating stuff like that then there's gay as in like when the teacher assigns you homework or like, you know, I don't know, your buddy's grabbing dinner with his wife and you're like, that's gay that you're hanging out with your family. Yeah. Yeah. And then the apex is like passion HD anal. Right. Right.

But these are all different things. Like it's like the words can have so many every word has fucking a thousand different meanings so it's like yeah it i don't know it's it's uh yeah it's all it's just funny like sure i'll never know what it's like to be gay but also gay dudes will never know what it's like to call your straight friend yeah i mean or they will probably because they should they should call straight guys gay too it's very funny to call somebody something they're not yeah like if i started saying talking about how chinese you are and you're like i'm not chinese i'm like you're being so chinese right it's funny

because you're not chinese yeah if you were chinese that wouldn't be funny you know what we were saying uh recently is like uh you know how there's been people who have gotten concussions and they wake up and they start speaking in a different language yeah it would be funny if like a gay person like a gay dude got a concussion and woke up and started like like speaking with a straight voice yeah with a straight accent yeah well actually i have a very strong theory on the gay voice this is it's gonna get us in trouble dude at this point uh i i think it's like what if that is the real male voice and this is the fake one? So naturally, because when you're a kid, you kind of talk like this and you're like, oh, hey, I'm a little boy.

This is how I talk. And the straight guys are like, I want to get some pussy. So I'm going to start talking like this. And then the gay guys aren't trying to get pussy. So they're not. That veil is unleashed. Does that make any sense? Makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah. So this is the fake voice. That's real. This is the natural male voice. It's like like this i think about that a lot dude i think a lot about like um like like gay shit kind of but like if i'm getting stressed out man i'll think about like jumping up and down on my bed naked yeah and listening to like avril lavigne and shit oh i just don't know what voice would come out right and i don't know what i would come out. Right. And I don't know what I would yell, but if it was pure emotion,

it would be cool to see if it was a gay voice. Yeah. But. That'd be an interesting simulation. We just get rid of, like, women and the need to look tough. Because when you get silly, you know, like if you've been high or something, like you're silly with the boys, no homo, you kind of, like, start talking a little gay.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know? That is, it's inside all of us. This is fake. Yeah, this is compressed anger, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not how dudes, this is not how we really are. Yeah.

But we need something to let that voice out, like a bouncy house. Yeah. Maybe some good tunes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of margarine, dude. Yeah, no, no, I agree with that. I'm trying to think of another thing that could be uh like dude if you and i had a party or something like we got like a big bouncy house man got some like uh got some lube yeah lubed up the bouncy

house play a little chapel round yeah or just like classic rock hits yeah and we had like a barbecue going yeah and we had like all the dudes getting there naked, I'm sure at least one of us would have a gay voice. Oh, yeah, easily. Someone's coming out. Yeah. You know what is funny? I wonder if... I don't know.

It's really funny to think of cavemen having a gay... While they're hunting, they're just like... Ah. Yeah. Well, there was a gay Kings, right? Yeah, all of them. It's been around historically for a very long time totally unless netflix is lying to us because there's always like gay dudes in those like night films yeah that's always like the plot twist but they're all dressed gay that's the hard part too it's like everyone every guy in tights looks homosexual to me yeah so i don't really know

yeah dude the fucking revolutionary war was like gayer than gay porn yeah absolutely what are you guys fucking wearing yeah you know might as well wear a fucking strap on on your forehead what the fuck are we doing dude yeah but like english knights look like fucking transformers dude yeah yeah it's not gay at all no but for them to have anal before battle or after battle that's some hardcore shit man well that's what the spartans the spartans are all gay for real yeah dude the spartans were completely gay this is fact this is fact this is like so when they went into war against the persians they were just all gay dudes yes yes so this is what it was so i think just like the way okay so like

let's say the 1950s right yeah most people were straight there's probably some spartans sneaking off the distance getting some pussy yeah but like for the most part that's what they would do they were like it was a gay community and they would only use women for reproductive things yeah and so like there's little stories of like men going into battle and what you'd be doing is like you'd be more passionate because you'd be like don't kill my boyfriend so you would be like you'd be more defensive of your people and you'd care more about protecting your soldiers because those were your lovers, too. Yeah, it was completely documented. The Spartans were very gay.

Holy shit. That's why they made that parody of 300 called Meet the Spartans, where the dudes greet each other, they make out, and then they're like, and this is how we introduce ourselves to the women. It's like a handshake. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow, I did not know that, man. Were they hard when they were fighting? I would guess so, you know.

I don't know, though, because sometimes you get the blood pumping other places, it decreases down there. Well, if you get the blood pumping, dude, you're going to be hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point. You're probably dilating your veins in a way that's probably, yeah. Maybe that's why they won so many battles, dude, because they were just locked in and fully erect. So dudes were just like, the other side was like, dude, what the fuck? Yeah, what's going on?

There's nothing scarier than a fucking dude who's hard and aggressive. Well, did you hear about, you know about General Butt Naked? No. This is a guy in. Is it a porno? No, no, no, no, no, no. This guy in Liberia. He was this, he was this dude in Africa or Liberia specifically.

He would fight completely naked. Yeah. And he would like eat people. He was like the craziest guy. But then randomly, he's like, I saw Jesus. He's like,

he's like, we need to all come together now, which I'm all about forgiveness and people changing life. But it is kind of funny when you randomly are just like, like kind of Russell Brand did that too. He got some rape allegations.

He's like, well, now I found God. And you're like, yeah, okay, maybe. Yeah, maybe some rape allegations. He's like, well now I found God. And you're like, yeah, okay, maybe. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe, uh, this is unfair. It's like, I do agree. People could change. I'm all for forgiveness,

but it's just very convenient. People were like, all right, I think now I should be forgiven for all the crazy shit. You're like, something happened to this dude. Yeah. Dude,

he like ate people's hearts out, but he'd fight completely naked with like a machete. Dude, it's crazy, man. How like all of our like heroes are just like super fucked up general but naked yeah yeah yeah yeah russell brand was one of those guys really like he has a really funny one i have no idea any nobody reads the actual rape allegations ever you're just like yeah i don't know but he has one video of him talking about

it where he goes uh he goes all my relationships have been completely consensual and you can see he edits so he had to practice a couple times yeah being like i'm sorry he's giggling smiling he's like wait wait let's try this again all my relationships have been not no no they have been consensual it's like hilarious yeah yeah it's nuts well dude have you ever seen the last kingdom what's that about it's with like utrid of bebenberg dude it's like you know it's all nonsense to me what does that mean dude it's just fucking long story short dude man it's like uh it's uh it's it's on netflix it's like one of the best shows on netflix um but this dude utrid right uh he was like born dane raised saxon so that's like kind of like what the whole

film's about but long story short dude this guy legit fucks people up like five dudes at a time like jerks them off fucking fingers their ass and like slits their throats dude he had like three wives yeah dude like his kids died like a bunch of his kids died he had like two abortions and he's like a hero like everyone looks up to him but he's like super fucked up well it's such a funny thing to like be gay with somebody then kill them be like before you die i would make you feel like a fucking homo well that's pretty common because but how confusing is that for you when you're like oh no wait like you don't even get to come with terms to the fact you like getting jerked off by a dude and then you're murdered you're like wait i could have been i could have been banging dudes all my

life then he goes now you're dead yeah it's very confusing death i mean dude i'd rather get fucking blown up by an oil rig than have anal with a dude and get my throat slit yeah that's probably the worst death ever like you finally come out of the closet and then just get your fucking head chopped off oh yeah that's a terrible yeah yeah it's like cum in your ass that's how they find you yeah yeah just cream pie dude yeah see you know what i mean it's so fucking funny i think i think they would kill them back in the day like they would literally be like oh like you were caught having sex with another man in the flower bed like we're gonna fucking crucify you yeah yeah but also what else are you doing a fucking flower bed that's kind of what you do there it's a bed covered in flowers fucking dude that's for some man love yeah yeah yeah i don't know that's uh that's a

wild way to die i don't think a lot about like because uh i think a lot about sacrifice. Not like a weird way, dude, but I feel like in life, like, not all things can align. You know what I mean? Like, no matter how perfect you are, like, there's always going to be something that's just, like, not working out for you. Yeah. And it always makes me think about how they used to, like, crucify people, like, in the middle of the day, dude. Like, they would just be, like, they would casually be, like, who's next? You know? Yeah, yeah. They're like like we need to feed the gods yeah but like if you did that today in like an office setting like you know fucking wild that would be oh it'd be crazy yeah they're so hey jeff man like pack up your shit like it's

it's time to go man yeah you know they give you like a few minutes to say goodbye to your family but they're like listen like we gotta feed the sun gods man yeah it's like a performance review they're like look you weren't you weren't i don't dislike you yeah well they used to do it for like uh for crops yeah they just like didn't understand seasons yeah yeah they just fucking kill yeah that's a it's a wild thing to think about you wouldn't like horror movies and shit uh no not really well the one thing i want to say about. Are you into like horror movies and shit? Uh, no, not really. Well, the one thing I want to say about the crucifixion is kind of funny. So we used to have this religious themed theme park in Orlando called the Holy Land Experience.

Yeah. And I remember my dad took us there on like Easter. Huh? And you just watch Jesus get crucified and there's blood everywhere getting whipped on like Easter. And you're like, wait, how? He's an actor. It's not they don't bring Jesus back from there's no time machine they're like actually killing a dude

yeah they get a homeless guy that looks kind of like Jesus yeah but uh yeah I was just I was just remembering that I was just so much rather die eggs than watch this man get like fucking whipped and covered in blood dude you wanna hear something crazy bro I think I might have told you this but uh one of my first

office jobs I was getting trained by this dude. And in the middle of the day, he was like, yeah, I have to head out, man. Like I got to take care of some business or whatever. And he like tells the main guy and the main guy's like, yeah, man, like do what you need to do. And it turns out this guy went to reenact the crucifixion of Jesus Christ in the middle of a freeway. What? And dude, it got like, it got published in his local newspaper.

And one of the dudes at work was like, yeah, man, like, where'd you go yesterday? And he was like, oh, I had to take care of some business. And he was like, yeah, man, I think I saw you on the news. And he was like, yeah, man. So he starts talking about it. And we're like, he's like walking us through it. He's like, yeah, man, like i have a cross in my parents house so i have to like lug that over

set it up and yeah man i just like you know he was like yeah jesus like did what he had to do i'm gonna i'm gonna do it you know because i know you know it's the right thing to do and we're like you don't have to do that man like in front of a freeway yeah it's crazy yeah but dude he was like yeah my kids were in the car with his wife like people were like throwing shit at him i was like holy shit man it's wild but the article literally just put up a picture of him just him like hanging it from across that's so funny i would for sure drive by and be like fucking pussy like gay just throw a milkshake at him someone's throwing like like full on batteries at him. Yeah. But in his mind, he's like, this is just the sacrifice that Jesus did.

Literally. I wonder what they threw at him. Cause it's like. They did. He did say that people would like talk shit. Like people would drive by and be like pussy. Yeah, totally. How do you not do that? It's so much fun.

But in his eye, in his mind, that's him being like, yo, like that's his like crucifixion kind of like, he's like, instead of like hanging from a cross, like that's his pain crucifixion kind of like he's like instead of like hanging from a cross like that's his pain yeah he's being called gay well that's the funny part too is like the idea of like the whole like when jesus was getting crucified that had to suck when you're that guy that got like way too into it and then you find out the next day he was the fucking guy you know what i mean you're like you're the guy who threw like eggs at him and was like fucking fuck this guy right yeah you started a chant you're like jesus sucks cocks jesus sucks cocks everybody's like great chant at the thing and then he comes back and you're like oh that was the real guy yeah your fucking house blows up dude yeah i always get sick out of that shit man

like karma and stuff yeah but like you said though dude like something happens when you go to like the religious side whenever someone's super religious i'm like oh something happened to this person oh yeah because this dude at work he uh he killed a woman and her baby bro what in an accident yeah okay well he wasn't that sentence completely changes because the way you said it sounded like he like oh yeah i'm not talking about like halloween type shit i'm talking like yeah he was on the highway dude i guess he went to like reach for his wallet or something that's what it says in the article yeah uh to the article he was fucking staring at fucking tits on instagram yeah but dude uh the wife uh the woman was pregnant yeah rear-ended

her baby died she died yeah but dude i was reading these articles while i was at work that's crazy cubicle over and i'm like holy shit dude yeah and then i was reading these articles while i was at work that's crazy cubicle over and i'm like holy shit dude yeah and then there was an article about like how the woman he killed uh i don't know if like her family had like gang relations or anything but the gangs were like threatening the police department because he got off yeah so they were like yeah we're just gonna like blow up the police station or whatever oh my god it was wild man i was like five feet away from them i was like five feet away from them. I was like, holy shit, man.

That's so funny. It'd be funny reading that article. And he's just like, he's like just having a good day at work. He's like, everybody's working for the weekend. You're like, hey, buddy, you got a lot of shit going on in your life. You just pull up the article in front of him. Yeah. Like, dude, is this you?

Yeah. Some people do that, dude. And I'm just like, dude, what are you doing? Like, oh, yeah. Like, yo, is this you, man? You know? Yeah. Well, I did that with a friend recently. you yeah yeah some people do that dude i'm just like dude what are you doing like oh yeah like yo is this you man you know yeah well i did that with a friend recently she was on this show called the florida man or uh that's florida man it just came out on hbo and i'm watching this documentary and what it is is it's like a drunk history kind of thing where like you have one-on-one interviews the people that actually went through this florida shit and then you have reenactions of it and i guess her

friend is trying to get tickets to go see bass nectar so he was on craig's list and they were like oh uh this guy wanted uh a man and a woman to cut off his toe it's like a sexual fetish yeah so she like went to this guy's house they were going to cut this guy's toe off and give him like a thousand dollars for like his fetish or whatever they're gonna get tickets and go to this concert but then i just see this chick from high school and i'm like oh my god this is i know you and i messaged her i'm like you're on that fucking documentary thing holy shit yeah that's wild man yeah i i do get some pride with that because it's fun being from there and being like yeah we rule we we are crazy motherfuckers really yeah a little bit yeah because i'm like i don't know like i don't

really know a lot of boring people from where i'm from. Like, it's very exciting. Like, it's like, yes, a lot of people are dead or in prison or, you know, wait, whereabouts are you from?

Like the Southern tip? I'm from Orlando. So I'm right in the middle of the state. It's like, Oh shit. It's not super redneck there, but the outskirts get redneck. So it's like,

we had like a mix of like kids that were like fake redneck, but then there was kids that were real redneck. It's like, we had crazy experiences in high school. It was like fucking nuts, dude. Yeah. I've actually been to orlando for a baseball yeah that was like my second time taking a plane but i we went there to like some resort yeah it's very it's kind of weird though because it was like so far to get from like place to place yeah yeah i mean there's

all kind of weirdness going on there so you live near like the the what is it called what is it orlando has like what park like the theme park oh they got disney universal but that's where like we i don't live by there but like we would get dropped off there for like eight hours when we were teenagers and it was the most fun ever like i got like jerked off in the jurassic park area like behind the bush it was sick yeah now once again my life sucks now i'm not getting jerked off in jurassic park world there was too much too early. Do you feel like being from New England, like I feel like we have the seasons.

So like in the winter, I kind of feel like more comforting. And then in the summer, I feel like it's hot a lot. So I feel like a little different personality wise. Do you feel that now? Or do you feel like different? Like, how do you feel? I don't like the winter. Yeah.

I love the summer. I like the hot and sweaty. I like. Because like I'm trying to like phrase this the right way. Like doing comedy in the winter is kind of nice for me. I feel like that's kind of like prime time where you get the most laughs. Whereas in the summer, it's very difficult. So I feel like if I lived in a place like Florida,

it'd be kind of like hard to make people laugh. Like, does that make sense? Yeah. Well, the thing is this, like, I mean,ida is a bad place for comedy it's a mix dude it's like it's a fun place but i'll be honest there's fucking people are fucking i don't know a lot of retarded people there um so like comedy's a mix it's kind of like the hackier stuff sometimes works there like uh but it's weird because people are retarded there but they're not cunts like there's nothing about new york city that people are just cunts so like if you like

do a joke that's like smart or whatever it'll be like it'll be like whoo they'll like you but uh they don't there's certain things where they'll just be like that's lowbrow human which really the i don't know the truth is somewhere in between you know and just write a good diarrhea joke but still write a diarrhea joke yeah because it's diarrhea and it's funny. I feel you. Yeah. Yeah. You got to have that balance, man.

Yeah. You got to have that balance. Like diarrhea is funny, but you know, you know, just make sure it's different than the last guy's diarrhea joke. Yeah, man. There's an art to being retarded. Absolutely. For sure.

Like you can be a retarded artistic person. Like, you know what I mean? Absolutely. It's when the worlds collide brother yeah yeah um but yeah dude uh has been an hour oh that fucking flew by yeah man yeah yeah you haven't been on in a while dude it's been a very long time yeah you're one of the ogs dude i know that was so much fun dude yeah yeah yeah it's crazy how long like how much time has uh flown by man yeah i like never truly like fathom it you know yeah yeah um but yeah man do you have any uh you have anything coming up

i know you're not really i mean you have your own podcast yeah just listen to morning good uh youtube apple spotify if you say you heard me on this podcast i'll follow you back or if you just want to follow me i'll follow you or if you don't want me to follow you back just follow me on instagram but if you want me to follow you back because you got something you want to promote just be like hey i heard john johnny's long podcast and i'll support you that way follow you i don't really care about the ratio i mostly just go into like uh the uh what do you call explore page and just do like uh orangutans and people with down syndrome that's normally like the kind of stuff i like looking at so gay dudes yeah dudes making out just fun stuff yeah and then uh do you golf at all or no uh no but uh i never you never golfed before no i've done it before

what do you ask um well dude i'm starting this series it's called comedians who golf okay i'm actually filming uh the first one this weekend i did a little practice round this weekend. Yeah. But yeah, man, I just take a comedian out to a course, man, do nine holes, and we try to like break 50 on nine holes, which is pretty easy, but for like retarded golfers, it's kind of difficult, man. So is your goal to get people that actually do golf, people that like have golfed?

I want to be able to, like the goal is to break 50 yeah you know i'm bad at golf i'll be honest i might not be yeah no i'm terrible man but uh yeah i mean if you were like swinging and missing the ball by like 10 inches i'd be like all right this probably isn't like the best idea no but if you could hit the ball and like keep it in play yeah you can definitely entertain something man yeah i'm out of town this weekend but i'll definitely do it if you do more than one episode yeah you'd also need clubs man dude i actually had them when i moved here yeah you sold them yeah i don't all right you know what i actually didn't that i was i had clubs when i was like 18 for some reason i combined that memory yeah i've never had clubs in the city

uh fucking patty golf's a bunch though really yeah yeah he loves golf patty's just a weird guy man i just never know yeah yeah what he's up to he told me he played baseball recently i didn't know he played baseball yeah yeah just fucking doesn't tell anyone dude no no no he's he's always just he's hard to understand but yeah fuck man all right well if you get a set man you should go out and you should be a part of it yeah or i'll borrow somebody's and break them all you for sure can find like a comedian who golfs yeah dude i love to yeah man thank you guys for listening um please subscribe oh also my instagram is michael good comedy yeah i said morning good but michael kelly's yeah i'll put your instagram in the uh the description man sweet we are kind of slacking on the promo, man. So if you guys could subscribe, if you enjoy the episodes, like, I don't know what else you can do, man, but there

is a new series I'm filming called Comedians Who Golf. And yeah, like I said, I'm just going to take a comedian out, do nine holes, videotape it, and it's going to be a good time. So that'll be on like the Patreon and stuff. Thank you guys.