The Johnny Salami Podcast - Michael Hirsch

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Michael Hirsch by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. Yeah, dude, it's like a lot of cream, though, dude. It's not even like coffee. You know what I mean?

I saw what you did. a lot of cream though dude it's not even like coffee you know what i mean i saw what you did it is it is you have like the the the cream mate thing yeah the thing that looks like like a flashlight but then it's filled with it's calm dude yeah yeah you french that'd be wild man hazelnut dude you ever seen like a mind hunter oh is that the show about the serial killer yeah no i haven't seen it oh that'd be wild dude if one of them was just like he just filled up like coffee mates with cum that'd be pretty fun putting his coffee dude damn i guess i should see that oh you haven't seen it no i haven't seen it oh dude you dude you won't stop watching this guy kill people dude i watched one episode and and I was like, how, like,

have you ever seen, like, Breaking Bad? I saw the first episode of Breaking Bad, and then I was like, nah. Really? Yeah. You're hard to impress, dude. Yeah, I'm pretty tough to impress. What would keep you, like, engaged? Do cartoons, if there's a lot of movement.

Yeah, I love cartoons. There's a lot of movement. Yeah. What, like, South Park and stuff? Like, SpongeBob. Seasons 1 through 3, that shit hits. of movement yeah i love cartoons there's a lot of movement yeah what uh well like south park and stuff spongebob seasons one through three that shit hits fucking family guys really i just got my girlfriend on a family guy oh really yeah uh family guy make fun of all the racist compilations she really likes that yeah sometimes when i get really sad dude i'll just watch like an old episode of spongebob dude just to see patrick and why because you feel like he makes you feel better about yourself just like the friendship

he has with spongebob it's a beautiful thing i mean it's a perfect show it's a flawless show she says one through three is a flawless show i do feel like i'm looking at myself dude you know what i'm saying that's sad as hell dude you're better than that man dude patrick's the fucking man dude you serious i mean he is the man but you got more going on in your life than Patrick. Don't sell yourself short. Maybe just like his friendship style, though. I feel like I'm a good friend like him. That's beautiful.

I'm always asking people to hang out, and they're just like, I can't. You're never asking me to hang out. Dude, we just met like a few months ago. Yeah. Here we are, dude. It's never too early to start asking. I mean, I'm always like friends. What would you want to do, dude?

We can go to Coney Island i really like going on they got the i was telling you they got those there's people and they walk around they got kangaroos in the summer and you could pay them seven dollars to hold the kangaroo are these like uh these are like pet kangaroos they're like child kangaroos they're real kangaroos yeah like little midget kangaroos well they're not well yeah they're midges in the same way that like a like a child is a midget adult yeah oh i thought you were saying they were like full-grown kangaroos no they're like people's pets they're joeys yeah so they're not there yet where do they go after the summer. Dude, they just bring them to their fucking apartment. Go to fucking Harlem. Just run into the ocean, dude.

That'd be sick. Yeah. I mean, just a couple kangaroos jumping into the ocean. I remember that video that came out with that dude fighting the kangaroo. Wait, in Australia? I think so. I don't know much about them, dude, but some dude was throwing hands with one because it was like about to attack it's dog oh I have seen that video but have you also

well because this is I don't watch TV shows like that but I do go on the internet a lot oh this was national news yeah I know I watch that video a bunch you ever see the inside of a kangaroo's pouch no is that disrespectful

to look inside of a pouch you have to like gain it's trust first before you just go looking in there no is that disrespectful to look inside of a pathway what's disrespectful i don't follow you have to like gain its trust first before you just go looking in there i mean no i just watched someone else do it on mine i'm not gonna be like yo what's up bro mommy me i thought you were doing that at like coney island yeah let me get in there he's stepping into the kangaroos what's it like though uh disgusting reallyusting. Really? It's like a it's a mucus membrane. It's just covered in nonsense. Like a vajayjay?

It's like a vajayjay. It's a vajayjay. Shit. You feel like you kind of got used to it though? Like in the video where you're just like oh I could. I was like I'm like honestly that's what I'm normally into but just a different shape of it okay so you kind of felt like you've

been there before i feel like i've been there before yeah yeah vajayjays are scary dude like i can't even imagine you're afraid of vajayjays yeah especially when they're giving birth dude i can't even imagine what that's like have you never seen a video of someone giving birth no you ever that would be wild if I was looking at that stuff, dude. Dude, I thought they made us do that in school. Really? Yeah. They showed you video footage?

They were like, look at it. They made us watch it. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. I feel like some people get scarred from that stuff. Well, it was to normalize it. I mean, was it crazy? Yeah.

It was pretty crazy. Really? Yeah. You like saw the vagina. I mean, was it crazy? Yeah. It was pretty crazy. Really? Yeah. You like saw the vagina. I saw the vagina in class. And I was like, well, it just kept getting bigger. And then a baby comes out. Sometimes they shoot out.

And that shit's crazy. You ever see that video of that lady? And she's walking into a clinic. And two police officers come up. They're like, what's going on? And there's a nurse there. And she's like, this clinic and two police officers come up. They're like, what's going on? And there's a nurse there. And she's like, this woman's about to give birth. And then a baby just shoots out.

I've seen a porn. I like that. Wait, so you're saying, dude, you're in health class. And they're showing you a real live footage. It's not live footage. It's pre-tape. It's premeditated? No.

It's like acting? No, it's like live footage. It's pre-tape. It's premeditated? No. It's like acting? No, it's like, it's like, yeah, it's like, yeah, they got, they cast a real pregnant lady at the time of her birth. So it's real? No, it's real. Yeah, it's real. Yeah, they're not just like, yeah, okay, guys. Like, it's not CGI.

Yeah. Damn, dude, that's wild, man. Health class was fun. For real? Nah. I remember I had a crush on a girl in the health class. And then what happened? She fucked me up, man.

How'd she fuck you up? I don't know, man. You just remember, like, those girls that you met in elementary school, and you were, like, in love with them immediately? Dude. And you didn't even talk to them. You were just like, dude. Yeah, because I was kind of like a weird looking child growing

up and i remember that there were two of them in my and i was going to montessori and then i got to first grade and everyone already knew each other from kindergarten and then the two pretty girls in first grade one day they like they both like put their arms around my arm so i had like one on either side and i was like oh i felt kind of like the man holy shit and i was like these are like i was like i was like these are these are the bitches for first grade first grade and then they were bullying me and then the next day they just made fun of me about it wow yeah dude you were getting put like pretend pussy in first grade i was getting sick some make made up pussy holy shit dude one time this fucking chick beat the shit out of me dude what this fat chick you would have to go in the back

room to hang up your backpack two at a time first grade fifth grade dude great i was partnered with this fat chick dude so we both go back there dude and she just starts throwing a haymaker straight up like over overhand rights at my face dude and i'm like dude i didn't even say anything you know what i mean like i wasn't like and then dude i was like all right like that was just a one-time thing like maybe she had a bad day or whatever dude she kept doing it like every day you didn't tell i told i told the teacher i was like yo this chick's beating the shit out of me i had like legit marks on my face and she was she was like i don't believe you she's like there's no way that little girl is capable

like dude this chick was throwing like like steam dude i like the idea you're just getting your ass beat next to some cubbies yeah for no reason you're like fucked up that you're just getting your ass beat next to some cubbies. Yeah, for no reason. You're getting fucked up. Damn, you think she was trying to fuck me, dude? Yeah, for sure. Come on. Yeah, of course she was trying to fuck you. Damn, dude. That was the whole thing.

That's why she wanted to fuck you. Did you have a kissy girl? She was a girl who was clearly a little bit on the spectrum. She was kissing everyone? And she was kissing everyone and she was kissing everyone and everyone would be like oh no don't kiss me but then it's like yeah you were just making out with her it was like a make out it was it was just like it was a it was a soft kiss quick finger really nah it was just a quick kiss, though. I could see you making out with, like, a special needs girl.

No, I hope. I wish you couldn't. Dude, before, like, basketball practice, you're trying to hide it, though. You're behind, like, an alleyway. I'm like, yo, I just got to. I would respect that, man. I was just volunteering. Yeah, if you're just making out with her.

She comes out, she's got crutches. Yeah. You think that's fucked up? To make out with a special needs girl? Yeah. Like, just making out. Nothing else. Just making out?

In high school, dude. You know, you're trying to get her involved. He's trying to get her involved. Honestly, that's almost worse than fucking. For real? Because that's just like a tease. Someone did get a special needs girl in my high school pregnant. And then he got convicted of murder.

Was the child retarded? Definitely. For real? Oh, dude, 0% chance. I feel like I know enough about a punnett square to know what happens if you mix two disabled people yeah and give them kids what's that called dude that's like the uh fucking punnett square is that what oh yeah yeah dude i i took me a second but i got the right word shit dude we're fucking smart man dude well yeah yeah we are smart so what so like both of her her her chromosomes were just destroyed. I don't know if she was like an extra or not enough chromosome thing.

I just know that she was adopted. This is crazy. This is crazy. I know that her and she had a twin brother and then they were adopted from Russia. And then I remember one day I was like skipping class in seventh grade, just like walking down the hallway. And then like, I see her, she's like running. And I'm like, I'm like, we were on the same bus. So I kind of knew them. I'm like, yo, what's, I like running and i'm like i'm like we were on the same bus so i kind of knew them i'm like yo what's i'm like what's good wait you were on the

same bus yeah but it's they it was they didn't they didn't parse out yeah i can't tell if you're kidding or not a long bus or short bus we just lived in she lived in the neighborhood over from oh you guys didn't have short buses then we didn't have that at inclusive school. I went to inclusive school where all the races and all the IQ levels were all on the same bus. So you didn't have any like handicapped kids that like couldn't get on a regular bus? Because they got that fucking... Nah, I didn't know about it on the air. There was, I mean, I think in the whole school there was probably one or two. So like a well-rounded community for the most part?

It was a well-rounded community. It was a vibe. Anyway, so I'm like skipping class. And then she just like bolts around the corner and she's like, Michael, can you hide me? I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? She's like, my brother's trying to kill me. I'm like, doubt it.

And then he rounds the corner and he just starts wailing on her what truly yeah it kind of sounds like what happened with you in that fact what'd you do the class i pretended to open someone else's locker i was pretending to open so and then a teacher came out and put him in a headlock and then i was like and then and then i was i'm still just like i'm like i can't open lock because it's not my lock and then uh the teacher's like can you get out of here i'm like dude i'm like what you're gonna you have a kidney chokehold right now that dude that could have been your end though if you saved her yeah right yeah it's my end and i'd have to fucking

deal with that all my friends would rip on me. I don't know, dude. If I knew a good special... You've been tapping cheeks on shotties like that? I might have to start tapping special needs chicks, dude. Just spanking nonstop, dude. I gotta do something. Nonstop spank? Yeah, dude, that would be fucking sick.

To just chill with a special needs chick all the time. She has no idea where she is half the time. You really like that? That sounds fun. Dude, no arguing, just sounds. That's how bad you want it? I'm just saying it wouldn't be that bad. It's unethical, I guess, but like...

I mean, honestly, here's the thing about ethics, is that that's philosophy, and philosophy can be argued both ways. That's good philosophy. Maybe I'll just write a book while I'm at it, dude. Honestly, you should. The Art of Tapping. Yeah. Well, it'd be more like, you know, the ethics of fucking a retarded person.

Yeah, I feel like the title would definitely have to be. Sell some copies. Yeah, but I can't just call it, like, Smash and Special Needs Pussy. Just all capital letters, dude. but I can't just call it like smash and special needs pussy. Just all capital letters, dude. Just bring it to like a publishing company. You'd call it like learning resource center, subtitle the ethics behind splitting retarded cheeks.

Oh, the ethics behind special needs pussy. Yeah, dude. You and I, and I man like we gotta start sitting down I mean now you're gonna start asking me to hang out more As long as we're jotting down ideas man I'm a man of ideas Dude what blew my mind man was like People who weren't diagnosed as special needs Who just got away with it

Like look at me, dude. Well, I mean, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Well, I'm also, like, I'm in that. For real? Yeah, dude. I have hella behavioral issues. What are you doing? I'm just like a jackass. I'm just like, retard, I can't focus.

Oh, you have ADHD. I got ADHD. Oh, that's not special needs. Now it is. Really? They're putting them in classrooms? When I was getting good grades, I was getting. I got ADHD. Oh, that's not special. Now it is. Really? They're putting them in classrooms? I was getting good grades. I was getting good grades in school. Yeah.

But then they did make me take standardized tests in a different classroom. Oh, for real? Yeah. Yeah, man. That's, I don't know, dude. I'm just like pretty fucked up, man. Like I've been having like heart to hearts with myself in the car and stuff, dude. That's brutal. That's really bleak. I just get emotional, man. heart to hearts with myself in the car and stuff, dude. That's brutal. That's really bleak.

I just get emotional, man. Like hearts and hearts by yourself. I'll just have like a really good conversation in my head. And then I'll start getting like emotional dude. And then I'll just start making like orgasm sounds. Like it doesn't make sense. You know what I mean?

No, it doesn't make sense. Yeah. So I think it doesn't make sense yeah so i think i might be like something's wrong with me that's that's schizophrenia i'm pretty sure that's schizophrenia for real i mean yeah why not i'm like fairly certain you should check that out that's not normal that's not good something's going on man yeah i'm just too afraid to find out you know what i mean yeah it sounds like there's a lot of fear this is a lot of fear-based stuff yeah man i think everybody's scared of something though dude you know yeah everyone's scared of something yeah adhd though dude that's like what everyone's got now i mean everyone's

been had it i guess it's getting worse this is fucking crazy that's crazy what you just have heart-to-hearts with yourself in your car start crying as of recently yeah as of recently i've always been pretty emotional in the car man like i got a good playlist going it's called moody it's called moody mix on spotify but oh yeah i'm just getting more beer i don't know what you're doing dude i'm gonna get pulling out a gun yeah it's called moody mix man you know and i'll listen to it and just like think about my life and stuff maybe shed a few tears but after that's done i'll just listen to like you know like hardcore rap or something and just start making orgasm sounds dude that sounds unproductive that's retarded yeah you never have like heart to hearts with yourself dude not like that yeah i had i almost i looked myself in the eye yesterday.

In the mirror. And I referred to myself as we when I was talking to myself. And then I was like, no, I'm too high. I'm too high for this shit. What did you say? You were like, we're going to... I don't remember. I was really stoned. But I think it was about being productive or something.

Or maybe finishing a joke that I was writing. What did you do after that, though? I was like, that was weirder than I made coffee. My girlfriend got into an espresso machine. Wow, dude. So you really do have ADHD. You just fucking... Yeah, I mean, whatever the hell...

Dude, making myself cry in my car? That sounds wrong. No, not making myself cry. I'm having my car. Dude, that is schizophrenia i'm fairly i'm fairly sure beautiful than that dude i mean hey i thought it was on mental illness can be beautiful you ever find yourself wearing like heavy jackets in the summertime no okay i sweat my fucking tits off dude if you ever find yourself being like oh i want to put on a jacket in the summertime, that's how you know the schizophrenia is broke.

And you're schizophrenic. Yeah, it's like one of the main symptoms of schizophrenia. It's people wearing jackets when it's too hot to wear a jacket. Yeah, I'm not even close. I mean, my fucking nuts are dripping in the summer, dude. What about right now? Yeah, pretty wet. I might have to wipe my gooch after this dude just like my gooch where do you do that you ever wipe your ass dude and like you

didn't even take a shit yeah dude well my shit's my shit's all fucked up my my bowels are so fucking loose and you ever get concerned about your health dude yeah i constantly yeah i was so concerned about my health that i got insurance the other day because i was freaking out about it like like health insurance yeah i got health insurance yeah just like no employee sponsored or just like no i got well no it's free it's from the government oh that's they do that you can get good that i don't know i'm doing something with the government i'm like like getting, they pay me money. Dude, I've been thinking about this, man, and I might just quit my job and just, like,

I think I'm better off. You should get fired. Yeah. Because then you get unemployment. Yeah, like around here, it just seems like not having a job seems more beneficial than actually working. In New York City? Yeah.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I feel like work is a major distraction from all of life's goals yeah but like what are you what are you doing like what's your day-to-day looking like dude no i don't want my day-to-day yeah i've always been fascinated by you dude i just want to like wake up munch box girlfriend's box she comes it rocks um i i like to it's every day like this how you start the day i try to start the day like that you ever wipe your gooch and then smell it like with my hand yeah no what about without your hand i used to like sometimes i used to pick my butt dude and smell it just to see what's going on down there. Yeah, and what'd you find?

I'd get a sense of pride, dude. Pride in what sense? I'd just be like, damn, dude, that's wild that a human being can produce something like that. That's what I'm saying. Because sometimes you have a fart and you just kind of sit in it. Because you can tell when it comes out that it's kind of like a heavier air. Yeah. And so it just kind of sinks in

place and you're just like wow this is impressive that my body is this gross oh yeah dude every time i fart there's a sense of pride yeah i'd be farting a lot like dude if you if you don't smell your own farts you're probably schizophrenic if you don't smell if you're not smelling your your body's own odors you ever bite your nails and then grind them down with your canines and then smell the talc? Yeah. Really? I don't use my canines, though. I just use, like, my two front teeth. Just, like, bite them down.

And then just, you're like... I don't really smell them, though, dude. I just kind of, like, bite them down, and then I feel, like, accomplished. I'm like... Yeah, dude, that shit's kind of fucked up now i'm looking i really fucked up my nail yeah it's like blood everywhere and shit there's blood everywhere all the time you're like it's fine man but that's another that's another disorder see we are we are diseased people trichotillomania yeah but dude if you're not diseased then comedy is

not really for you man well that's the other thing too where it's like anytime i meet someone who's like so mentally well i'm like you're also fucked up though people who are like mental like people who like are not what are they called what is it called neurotypic people who are neurotypical those people are worse off i think it's just called uh gay well yeah but you could be it's but it's gayer there are there are still gay retarded people you could still be gay and retarded yeah but you can't but then there's also a different the other gay which is neurotypical gay and those people are too healthy i don't trust them i don't trust healthy people yeah well dude there's like a thing today's like a generation dude it's like everyone thinks that everything's gonna be like sunshine and rainbows all the time and anybody who thinks that way i'm just like dude get the fuck away from me

no life is bleak life is shit wall to wall yeah the whole time it fucking sucks i'm like screaming to my death i want it to be over yeah like dude if i died tomorrow i'd be like dude you live the good life if i died tomorrow i'd be like at least some people would be sad you feel that way yeah i'm like i'm like shout out to the people who'd be sad yeah sometimes i think about running away and just seeing if anyone notices dude i almost did that actually yesterday i bought a flight to istanbul and then 30 minutes later, I called and I was like, I'd like to cancel the flight. You were just going to dip? I was just going to go to Istanbul for a while. Why there?

The lira is down. Their local currency. It would have been the first day or I guess the last day of Ramadan, Eid. So that would have been really cool to celebrate that over there. Just go to a place just to not eat? No, now they start eating. Oh. And now they like party in the streets.

So that would be interesting. Yeah, but you didn't put in the sacrifice though, dude. No, I'm just reaping the benefits. I'm also Jewish. So they'd be like oh this guy's retarded this guy's retarded he's Jew tarted yeah dude that would be funny though to just like run away for like 20 years and then come back like show up at your friend's wedding or something big yo what up yo are we going are we gonna go can i get on

your show i think about that a lot dude that'd be like a good movie it's just running away yeah for a long time people think you they have like you have your own grave and stuff and then you just show up own grave nobody yeah you would have to make like a A good entrance though dude Like a good comeback You can't just like show up dude I'd show up with a pistol Really? And I'd shoot it Like in the air?

No I'd miss the person who I love the most by this much Oh shit Yeah You have that good of a shot? I mean I would If I was in this situation And that's what I wanted to do

I feel like I would train. Oh, you'd spend all those years gone training? Yeah. Just to miss that one shot. Just to miss that one shot by this much. I would train to miss. What if you hit him? I guess I'll just go where I was.

I just go right back. I'm like, my bad, y'all. Fly right back to Istanbul. Dude. That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. That's on me, y'all. Back to Istanbul. I'm just imagining you in a field or something. The person you love is in the field and you're just like

just fucking blow their head off, dude. I'm like, fuck. Fuck. If you hit them in the head, dude, you can't come back from dude. I'm like, fuck. Fuck. Because if you hit them in the head, dude, you can't come back from that. You don't save that. You hit them in the leg. The leg, but then they'd just be pissed at you. You know what?

Maybe no gun. Yeah. Bow and arrow. Oh, shit. You ever see that movie? There's something about Kevin or whatever. It's like something about Kevin. with ben stiller no no it's that guy who got canceled for being uh of in ezra miller no you know about ezra miller no what'd he do i said no you know what he did you know ezra miller

no you don't know ezra miller it sounds like a woman's name ezra this is a guy's name i think it's biblical ezra miller he was in uh perks of being a wallflower he played the gay guy yeah i don't know and then he was in like something else i see i wish there was a live audience because then i could ask you know ezra miller if you saw ezra miller you'd be like oh i know ezra millra Miller. I think he kidnapped a kid and then punched a trans person or something. Good guy. I think he played The Flash. Okay, I never saw The Flash. I didn't see The Flash either.

Yeah. He was in this movie called There's Something About Kevin where it was like a movie where he was a school shooter, basically, super autistic. And then he ended up being a school shooter except except instead of a gun, he had bone arrow. Okay. Bone arrows are sick, man. That changes the whole trajectory of this conversation, dude. Really? Because a gun's kind of like lame, dude.

You know what I mean? Like if you're shooting shots. What's the lamest gun? And then I'll tell you what the Middle East, what people in the Middle East think. You tell me, do you want to guess what people in the Middle East think is the lamest gun? And then I'll tell you what the Middle East, what people in the Middle East think. You tell me. Do you want to guess what people in the Middle East think is the lamest gun? Probably like an AK. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Damn, that was dead on. Yeah. Because an AK is like too generic, too universal, dude. It's because it's like a machine gun is not a weapon you kill with. A pistol, that's a weapon that you kill with. Yeah.

A sword, you execute someone with the sword. An AK, you're having fun at a wedding with that. That's just the culture. It's just too easy, dude. It's too easy. You don't even have to look when you're shooting. No. Yeah, dude, imagine going hunting with an AK-47.

That'd be pretty sick. I would go hunting with a MAC-11, just go up to a deer. Yeah. I mean, everyone would call you a pussy, though, dude. Yeah, but I would be having an awesome time. I mean, yeah, you'd probably go. I think that would be worse than, like, treason, dude. If you brought a fucking.

If I brought a pelt that I shot with a Mac 11. If you brought a mini Uzi to a hunting gig. People would be like, what the hell? What's Michael doing, dude? He brought an Uzi to the hunt if you like hit it too like they didn't know you had it like where's your gun like what are you talking about it's like day four everyone has like no food in them like everyone's exhausted and you just take that out yeah that's like dynamite fishing dude does that work yeah dude if you take fucking dynamite fishing, dude. Does that work? Yeah, dude. You take fucking dynamite and throw it in a lake.

A bunch of fish will die? Most of them, yeah. Here's my question, but will the wick stay lit? The fuse? Will it stay lit underwater? I feel like it does for dynamite. Yeah. Is dynamite fishing a thing that you made up?

No, I think I've seen a few videos. Have you seen videos or is that a turn of phrase? I think I got bored one night and I just wanted to see what it was all about. Yeah, I'd be doing that. Pretty sure it's obviously illegal, though, so I don't think many people do it. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, I'd be getting into those moods. This is why I wanted to go to Istanbul for Eid is because I've been, like, just researching the shit out of Islam. Oh, for real?

Yeah, I was like, I should go to Mecca and circumambulate the Kaaba. Bro, there's a movie about some dude who has, like, a six-pack, and he's like, kind of reminds me of you, dude, honestly, bro. Oh, Zohan? Nah, dude, not even close. dude, honestly, bro. Oh, Johan? Nah, dude, not even close. Nah, it's about this dude who, like, he has a wicked hot girlfriend, and they're on their honeymoon, and, uh,

dude, there's a fucking shooting on the beach at, like, this resort. Like, these dudes come in with AKs, and they're like, people dropping, like, flies, dude. And, like, he's looking for his girlfriend, and she gets fucking pieced, bro. They shoot her. Is that sarah marshall no dude

jesus man what what is the name of the movie i'll watch it i don't even know man i think maybe i saw it on netflix might be on netflix man maybe you invented this movie no it was a good movie man it's all about him getting his revenge on islam dude oh really for real yeah dude he literally studies like uh like the religion you know he he has like an apartment in rhode island where he's just like he's like training mma and shit he's like fucking throwing knives at his pussy dude dude. So he's, like, thinks he's going to take down Al-Qaeda from his apartment in Providence, Rhode Island? He's basically, he's literally training for revenge, and then he, yeah, I don't know what branch he gets involved in, but...

Of the military or, like, what, like, some sort of, like, terrorist organization? I think it was CIA or the FBI or something. Yeah, he ends up killing him, dude. He gets his revenge, but he's just like, he's so mentally unwell, dude, like his ADHD is off the wall. So like every mission, he just fucking exposes them.

Like they're like at a, they'll be at like a restaurant, dude, just chilling like undercover and he'll just start shooting people's heads off. That rocks. Yo, be chill. Yeah. Like everyone's's like all right cool stick to the mission stick to the mission he pulls out a gun at dinner yeah he literally chases after one of the terrorists after like they give up on the mission like by himself sneaks into his hotel room and kills him well that sounds

like he's like a good soldier yeah but he said that he like got it like after he was married he then he started training so he was like late to the game the movie starts off wicked gay dude it's it's him on his honeymoon with his soon-to-be wife right she's wicked hot he's wicked hot they're in the water he's like videotaping the honeymoon he's like i love you he asks her to marry him yeah in the water like in the water and he gets her on video so you're like this guy's gay and he's like all right i'm gonna go get a drink what do you want and when he goes to the bar to get the drink that's when the dude starts spraying dude honestly thank god he went to go get a drink oh yeah like dude that saved his life yeah honestly i wouldn't even be

like oh let me join the army for this or whatever don't let me join the cia and counter terror i'd be like thank god it was so confusing though dude because he's at the bar like getting a drink and when it shows them shooting people it's like they're just randomly picking people it would be like if you and i were here right now and someone came in with a gun and just like shot you and like didn't shoot me it's like why what are you doing i'm committing terror dude they would just like shoot one person and do a complete 360 and shoot another person but all the other people that were next to that guy. Well, because you know that's why terrorism is because if that happens, okay, well like

shot the person next to you, the other person that didn't get shot is now terrorized. Oh, yeah. The other person's dead, but the other person has been terrorized. So now I can go, the terror has been committed. Now I can go turn around, commit terror over there, shoot a couple people, all the people that remain alive have now been terrorized. I think they're just trying to keep people on their heels. Exactly. Think different.

Think different. Terrorism is all about keeping people on their heels. Yeah, what's that called? Divergence? Neurodivergence? No, we gotta create like a divergent situation. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about either.

But that does make sense, though, just to be random as fuck. That does make sense. I feel like that's how you get what you want. Yeah. Because it could be anyone. Yeah. I'd be a good terrorist. For real?

What do you think you would do, dude? Ooh. As a terrorist? I mean... Who do you fucking hate, dude? Who would you attack? Well, I feel like I can't say it publicly. Can we bleep it out?

No. Hasidic Jews. For real? Well, I'm Jewish, but it's like the Hasids, man. Dude, it's just because when I'm driving through... Because to get here, I had to drive through a Hasidic Jews. For real? Well, I'm Jewish, but it's like the Hasids, man. Dude, it's just because when I'm driving through, like, because to get here, I had to drive through a Hasidic neighborhood. You're talking about Williamsburg right now? Yeah.

And I'm just like, I live in Bedside, so I have to drive through. And I'm just like, dude, these guys, there's like zero respect. They make all their own rules on the road. Yeah. And it's just like... How would you get after them, dude? Maybe like an explosion or something?

Yeah, but I wouldn't find that satisfying. Yeah. Nah, because the thing is you can't terrorize those people. I take it back. That's what they want you to do. You know what you could do, dude? It's just like crop dust their tunnels, man. With farts?

Yeah. What about... Just connect like a valve into their tunnels dude every day just just fart just like stink bombs yeah just get my own thing you stink bomb them yeah i guess i could do that that's how i feel about costco man if i could if i could blow up one place it'd be a fucking costco you don't like Costco? It's just the people inside, dude. They're all dead to me. The people inside suck. Yeah. I've seen more racism in Costco than I've seen my whole life, dude.

Dude, yeah, but then it's like, but Costco is kind of Spanx. You like a chicken bake? Yeah, that's true. It's almost like a Walmart vibe. Like, you just kind of make a sacrifice. I know. That's kind of what you're doing is like, you're kind of like sacrificing some of who your core being is to,

I think you're just sacrificing like your mental health, like all your brain cells. Yeah. I mean like, you're like, okay, this goes here and in exchange I'm getting deal when a chicken bake. Yeah.

I mean, dude, I've been thinking about that like uh explosions a lot though like around here around here not that i would ever like be skilled enough to blow anything up dude but i'll see someone who's just like dead on the inside you know who just has like no empathy and i'll immediately think of like an airstrike dude just to airstrike that one guy not even just everyone dude i just think about an airstrike coming in just me not feeling anything that's so fucked that's so i know dude i'm not proud of it man but i think after a certain point just like you have to start airstriking people

well no i think about if it happened like i don't think i would feel anything like if someone airstriked new york like dude you're telling me like struck if someone dropped an airstrike on you know williamsburg i'd be stoked lucky yeah and i could be then it'd be it'd be lucky yeah It'd be good for me. You might be upset for, like, a few seconds. I'd be like, oh, I'm like, guys, I'm a victim. I'm like, that could have been me. Yeah. Y'all are not checking in.

Call the people that you love. Yeah. But I'm thinking about, like, would I actually, like, would I feel something? And I don't think I would, man. If I'm being honest. What about fear? No. Terror? I don't think so, man.

If my homeland, like where I'm from or something like that, was attacked? No one's blowing up Rhode Island. No one gives a fuck about Rhode Island. Exactly. But also no one gives a fuck about Williamsburg. If someone's committing terror in New York It's gonna be Midtown or Downtown Manhattan Yeah I'm saying

Dude if someone blew up Williamsburg I don't think anyone would be upset I think people would be like People especially in Queens would be like Yeah Guess we're moving to Williamsburg Hell yeah Yeah

That kind of was Worked out great Yeah Is that fucked up though dude? Is that like fucked up to think about? I mean, like, yeah. For, like, I don't know. I mean, who am I to, morally speaking?

Yeah. I don't know. I think everyone has those thoughts, dude. I think everyone has those thoughts, and I think the people who deny themselves those thoughts and the freedom to speak about them are disgusting, fucked up people. You're right, dude. Dude, let's answer some questions, man. I almost forgot. People call in dude so really do they leave voicemails they do yeah man are you cool with that yeah that rocks johnny salami how's it going my man just had a little

question for you sitting on my couch haven't been outside in about we're pushing about 50 hours right now I have the window in the screen door open which is really nice but I had a question for you suppose you're an inside dweller like myself how does one experience the enjoyment of being outside when you just want to be in your room like like is there a way to do that it can be like like you know how like the pope has like his car where he can like stand up in the bubble so no one can shoot him and it's like bulletproof and everything like what if we had that that like let out of like apartments like straight into this like a natural kind of enclave of wood and shrubbery and you could just walk out and experience it maybe there's like a window for you to open

yeah um let me know what your thoughts are on this i thought it was kind of intriguing so sad yeah you know that guy do I know that guy you know that guy dude that guy's a grade A loser yeah

nah he might be chill but he didn't explain what he's doing inside he's doing nothing he's not making his bed he's beating his

fucking meat he's feeling sad for himself yeah he's got to get outside dude just go outside yeah dude you have to man like yeah i've been uh i've been in rhode island dude and i go to this open field near my mom's house dude and me and bub dude we just let lose man we run around. I'm throwing fucking Hail Marys, dude. And it's literally, dude, I could do that every day.

Dude, that's amazing. I'm just like imagining you alone with your dog. It's golden hour. Yeah. You're just like having the best time. You're smiling. You're giggling. You're laughing.

No one can see that because you do that for you. Yeah. No, dude, you're smiling you're giggling you're laughing no one can see that because you do that for you yeah no dude you're right i think this guy who left you this voicemail i think he's he's living life for other people you think he's inside for other people i think he's uh he's a sad lonely man yeah well dude most people are inside most of the time that sucks balls but yeah man i can't even explain i've literally dude when i'm talking about like me having a heart to heart with myself i'm thinking about just quitting everything just so i can experience that that's what i think about all the time like well why don't i go to istanbul yeah and where i'm rich i'd be rich there for at least like a couple of years.

Yeah. I'm having the exact opposite thoughts. Like I don't want to have a lot of money, but I could spend that those moments in that field every day with Bubb for the rest of time and be like, this is fucking sick. That's beautiful, man.

Yeah. Just throwing hail Mary's man running around, you know, just like it's a man and his dog, the most primal type of love. Yeah. And I can just imagine you, the biggest smile. Just running around an open field, dude. That makes me happy thinking about you doing that.

Yeah. I'm just seeing your face showered in sunlight. You chasing your dog. Giggles's beautiful dude rain or shine bro even when we went out in the rain dude really yeah like we don't there's no days off man no days off from having that's a lifestyle man that fucking that's but just like dude what that does to your mental health man you know that'll fucking you gotta get outside yeah this guy needs to fucking if i had if i had any advice i would say dude go find an open field and just run around like make sounds and shit like no one can see you man get a jet ski go as far into the waters because i know that i you know honestly similar

kind of feeling where it's like i've taken a jet ski out into open into the waters because i know that i you know honestly similar kind of feeling where it's like i've taken a jet ski out into open water in like lake michigan and you can say the freedom when no one is around you and the certainty that no one's around you you could say whatever you want i don't give a fuck doesn't it like smash your nuts if you go too fast no it's like riding a horse where it's like if it's like like slow walking horse doesn't smash your nuts like a quick trot that'll hurt your nuts but a gallop is smooth so it's not really bang your nuts yeah you ever like smash your nuts just to feel something dude on a jet ski no really no i don't do that no have you ever had like a woman on the back of a jet ski before yes and were her tits

like hitting your face yeah no they were hitting my back what did that feel like man it kind of felt like it was like it was it was hot it's like a massage were you like were you erect when you were riding the jet ski um no because i was too busy riding the jet ski. But afterwards, I was definitely like... Were you erect from the jet ski? I was not erect from the jet ski. I was erect from her tits on my back. Okay. And then the thing is when you're...

Now, oh, we had so much fun on the jet ski. Remember, that was really sensual. And you can talk to her later. Got a little drink. Hey, what's good, mommy? See, what I would do is I'd be like, yo, I'm hard from the jet ski not from you Yeah

Just to like throw her off a little bit Just to make her feel crazy Exactly And then you can go in from there She's like well now I want to make you hard from me That's exactly That's good Or you could just hit something

dude one time i was on a jet ski there's a girl on the back of the jet ski i think this is the only time this happened honestly that time that this happened there's girls on the back of the jet ski and i like fucking i'm like i'm in Michigan. I'm fucking, we're like near people's like docks. Yeah. I'm like going full speed. I like, like try to do like a whip real quick. She flies off, hits her arm against the dock, breaks her arm. Oh wow.

Yeah. What happened? She broke her fucking arm. She cried a bunch. What'd you do though? Like, were you like, yo. I was like, I was like, I was like, yo, she should have been holding on tighter. You're like high as shit.

Yo. I'm like, I'm so so drunk i'm like definitely like 19 and hammered i'm like yo this bitch fucking didn't even hold on that hard bro i was like yeah i was trying to whip her off of it but she should have been holding on harder yeah dude those things are hard to hold on to though even like going uh fucking tubing bro oh my god yeah the whole point of tubing is like how can i get these motherfuckers off this damn tube? Oh, yeah. I went on a tube with a Jewish dude and one of my boys.

This dude was in the middle, bro. And my fucking pants fell down. And we were like, we were hanging off. Like I was holding on for dear life. Dude, my ass was just fucking this dude's face. He almost started crying, dude. Like we were laughing so hard because he was like legit like about like to cry that rocks yeah that rocks yeah fuck that shit yeah fuck all that

mess it's kind of scary though man like getting drunk on a boat you know some people always like just drive through shit you know what i mean but oh like on a boat yeah getting drunk on a boat is both scary and awesome i was drunk on a boat like uh like when i was imagine driving though dude your jam comes on and you're smashed well what you ever do well yeah i mean that ever happened like what song would get you like uncontrollable i feel like that happens to me once a week in a car for real yeah you just start peeling out um i start i'll just start going fast i'll be like yo yeah like in a residential neighborhood sometimes yeah what song gets you going dude dude usually it's like like sometimes it's like it'll be like a biggie song i'm trying to think sometimes it's like

something with like really gnarly guitar shit yeah maybe like some led zeppelin or something dude never really like sabbath i was getting down to some black sabbath a couple weeks ago just like pedal to the metal yeah i'll listen to rocky like a hurricane by the scorpions dude yeah and i'll just put my fucking foot on the gas all the way down. At like a gas station. In neutral. Yeah. Like I'm in the process of filling up my gas, dude.

Your car explodes. There's nothing. Dude, you know that song though? Rocky Like a Hurricane? Yeah, of course. Remember when they had that on Guitar Hero, dude? No, I didn't play Guitar Hero. For real?

That's gay, dude. What are you gay? One of my best friends, she's them on Guitar Hero, dude? No, I didn't play Guitar Hero. For real? That's gay, dude. What are you gay? One of my best friends, she's obsessed with Guitar Hero. Still? Yeah. You have her number, dude? Yeah, she's gay, though. Oh, really?

Yeah. You don't think she would transfer for me? Transfer from gay to straight for you? Nah. Fuck, man. Dude, she said she would go straight for Drake. I thought we were boys, dude. That's it.

I thought we were boys yeah but i just know her well yeah but if we're gonna start hanging out dude like so i gotta make my my lesbian friends transfer to straight so they can fuck you yeah or just play guitar here man that'd be sick you know i feel like she'd be down for your what about rock band you ever played rock band yeah i played rock band with this uh chick who had a full bush dude she ended up being my girlfriend that kind of hits you knew she had a full bush going into the rock band no i saw her at a pool party oh really yeah because he was bush peeking out of the bottom yeah we used to play uh lips of an angel yeah and you're like oh these hairy lips of an angel i

would play the drums dude and she would fucking sing and shit dude on rock band and then eventually i was like do you want to like you want to go out i told her i loved her after like two days really what she said she said i love you too really and then i broke up with her i think day three dude i was listening to listen to that song beautiful by akon yeah i was just laying in my bed i was like i can't do this she wasn't hot enough she had a full bush dude yeah i just wasn't ready for that man you know yeah now how old were you it's like eighth grade wow broke up with her over a i am dude i didn't even tell her why because see the bush though In it's full glory

It sucks man cause if I saw that today Dude Dude it doesn't even fucking matter today That's a green flag Full bush is green flag For sure nowadays dude yeah I feel like I like it kemped What does that mean like

Like it's like I want to know Where it all grows I want to know the outline Of it like i want to know that it where it all grows i want to know the outline of it but i want to know that you're there's upkeep oh okay just so i know that you're putting in the effort almost like trimming hedges and shit exactly like that yeah exactly she's doing maintenance exactly what like level what length are we talking it doesn't even matter as long as i'm just like there's work going on really you know what i mean it's like it's like to me it's not even like a oh that's gross because it's a lot of bush or like uh or whatever it's it's more like oh you care about how you look and there's thought behind what you're doing you ever fuck someone

with a landing strip no dude i've barely fucked someone that's that rocks that rocks yeah yeah that rocks yeah your boy's not i haven't seen a lot man i feel like that makes sense yeah it's all right that plays that plays i was hooking up with a girl with a landing strip once like a big one it was it was regular shot i feel like no i mean not like you. I'm trying to imagine the length, though. Are we talking about like a mohawk or like a little buzz cut? Not even like length. Oh, yeah, buzz. It's buzzed. All right, because it could be like a mohawk.

I'm only explaining getting pussy to you now. No, I'm just with you. Think about the length of it. Like, what if it was the length of my hair? No, that would be fucking. It would be fucking crazy. It would be fucking gnarly, though. Yeah, dude, it would be sick.

Dude, didn't she? One time I couldn't hang out with this girl because I was sick. This is what I remember most about her. First of all, she worked for a Chinese bank, and she would always try to buy my shit. She'd try to buy me a motorcycle, which is dope. A Chinese bank? Yeah. What does that even mean, man?

It's a bank that's like, I think it was like, it's a bank based in China. It's a bank that's like I think it was like It's a bank based in China It's a bank that's based in China Okay And then she would always try to buy She's like I have a good job I work at a Chinese bank Let me buy you stuff Yeah Like cheap shit though?

No like meals She tried to buy me a motorcycle Okay What was wrong with her? She was weird She's kind of like too into me okay like i remember one time i was like oh i can't hang out because i'm sick and then she like showed up at my apartment oh fuck and then i was like i was like hey she's like so you're too sick to hang out i'm like well i lied about that but this is really weird that you're here. This is really crazy that you're here.

So she was crazy. Yeah, and then I was like, anyways, I have to go skateboard now. And then I took my skateboard and I just left. Damn, you didn't even hang out with her, dude. Nah, dude, then she blocked me. Yeah, I mean, I think you did the right thing. I did the right thing for sure. Yeah.

All right, let's see what else we got man that question was kind of gay honestly johnny love the podcast dude i got a hot question for you here this guy brought to my attention the other day by one of my friends and i didn't even know that there was another option to this scenario so it is when you come up to a urinal or a toilet to take a piss do you pull just your bird out or do you pull your bird and your nuts out to piss my buddy said that he pulls everything out just lets it fly i thought that was completely absurd i just want to know your opinion on it Thanks dude That's a good question man

That is a solid question Because it had me Miming what I usually do In that kind of situation I think it's just dick I don't need my balls Unless it is a situation where it is a swampy Kind of day humidity wise

Might as well get the boys some air Maybe wipe them off a bit It is a situation where it is a swampy kind of day, humidity-wise. Wow. Might as well get the boys some air, maybe wipe them off a bit. Yeah. Dude, I take out my schlong and just my left nut a lot of the times. Why just the left? I don't know. I think my left nut's bigger than my right, dude. And I just feel dangerous doing that.

You just feel dangerous? Yeah. You ever,'re like pop it out you're like sometimes dude it's it's just natural like i'll try to take both out but just my left will come out you know like i'm asking both of my nuts to come out and play it's like my left so this seems more of like a mechanical issue yeah you could just scoop them out yeah but it's like i don't know, man. I just try to do what's natural, you know what I mean? You ever pissed in the car?

Like, yeah. Like, into a bottle. And was there a mess or no? No. But, you know, what's crazy is that, you know, I pee a lot more. Humans, we pee a lot more than you'd think that you'd pee. I thought I could just feel it. It's more than a water bottle usually.

I had a friend who was really drunk, and he tried to piss out of the window of a car when it was moving, when we were driving it together. Yeah. And he just got pissed into his own face. Wow. Yeah. Damn, dude.

I remember I was going through a tough time once, and I just lost my job and everything and uh comedy was not going well at all I mean it's still not going well but dude I'm on the way to this interview and I'm like dude I have to pee so bad so I have like a suit and tie on everything and I pull into like a dick sporting goods parking lot and I pull out schlong left nut dude and i start peeing in this bottle and i thought i was done and when i went to put my schlong back dude i just pissed all over the windshield and it wasn't even my car dude it was my mom's car i didn't have a car at the time dude and dude i just left it on the windshield to dry so like a few days later you know i'm hanging on my friend he's like

dude what the fuck is on your windshield and i was like i told him dude it's such a sad moment man this is like the outside of the windshield though the inside the car inside the car yeah i was inside it smelled like disgusting dried up piss probably yeah i was at a real low point in my life yeah dude that sounds like that's like i just left it yeah that's disgusting it's my mom's car too yeah that's even worse there's like zero respect for your mother listen man all right i persevered bro i mean yeah look at you now i mean you have an apartment yeah i'm just saying dude that's that's risky bro not taking out both nuts when you're gonna pee in a car dude why are nuts involved at all because dude it cuts

off the circulation bro you know what i mean no dude you've never peed in a in a bottle of pee and you know i have and you're like all right'm done. And then you put the bottle away. And there's a little bit of pee left. Yeah. Is that a nuts thing? I don't know. Is it you're contesting that that's a nuts thing? I don't know, dude.

Yeah. I feel like the nuts might have something to do with it. Like if they're pushing up against it. I don't know. I'm just trying to test all theories, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, but okay. What do you think it is, dude?

Just a schlong thing? I think it's like there's tubes and then the tubes fold. And if the tube is folded when you're like, oh, I'm done, and then you go change positions, the tube unfolds, and you get like a whole new strain of piss. Yeah. You look like the type of dude who would just like whip out your cock in front of everyone, dude. Yeah. You look like the type of dude who would just, like, whip out your cock in front of everyone, dude.

Yeah. You do that a lot? Yeah. I feel like a lot of people have seen my penis. So if you're in, like, a car, like, you don't even try to hide it, you're just like,

I'm just like, yo, guys, check this out. Really? Yeah, I'm like, yo, you know what's hilarious? Here's my dick. Yeah. Dude, I was doing perennial sunning

the other day just in front of a bunch of my friends because I thought it would be funny. Perennial sunning? Yeah, I just, like, pulled my the other day just in front of a bunch of my friends because I thought it would be funny. Perennial sunning? Yeah, I just like pulled my pants down and just like exposed my shit to the fucking sun. I was like, yo guys, check this out. You just pulled your pants down? Yeah, and spread my ass cheeks.

What is like the goal? It's to get vitamin D into the parts of your body that don't get it usually. So you're standing up and you just pull your pants down? Sitting down on my back. Oh, okay. And you and the boys are just kind of hanging out? Yeah, at a bachelor party. With like

mostly a bunch of guys who did not know me at all. Yeah. And I'm just like, yeah, like, I'm like, not even drunk at that point, but I'm just like, yeah. And you don't ask if anyone's uncomfortable or anything? I don't really care. If they're uncomfortable, then they're losing.

You think a lot of people, like, looked at it, like? I don't think they thought it was funny. Yeah. That's the thing is, like, dudes think that shit's funny. People, like, in general think that shit's funny. If you're, like, but it's also, like, yeah, it's like I'm, like, whipping my dick out for, like, people who, like, are going to think it's also like, yeah, it's like I'm whipping my dick out for people who are going to think it's weird. I'm just thinking about maybe some of those dudes that say they're uncomfortable. Maybe they're staring into a dude.

I mean, they're uncomfortable because they're now thinking too hard about my dick. Yeah, because if they say it's too small, dude, then they're gay. Or if they say that it's too big, it's gay. If they say anything about your dick, you can just tell them they're gay. Only you are gay. Yeah. Like, they say that it's too big it's gay if they say anything about your dick you can just tell them they're gay only you are gay yeah like why are you looking oh yeah you want to see what you're thinking about my you have opinions on my dick right now you have dick opinions dick opinions yeah it's like why are you looking at my dick dude just because i pull my pants down why are you looking at my dick why are you even having a thought about my penis just

because it's out in front of your food yeah what, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? Because you're eating a plate of fucking barbecue right now, and my dick is no more than two feet away from it? Yeah, it's like fucking grow up, dude. Grow up? You've never seen a dick before? You ever see a dick next to some food before that you're about to eat, you fucking weirdo?

Yeah. Do you have a normal dick, dude, you think? No, my dick is pretty fire. Yeah. I know that shit rocks. Just have that type of confidence, though, you think? Or just like... No, my dick is pretty fire. Yeah. I know that shit rocks. Just have that type of confidence though, man. Like I'm proud of you. You know what I mean?

Well, it's because it's... Because it's... Over time, it's got slight... It's got some slight curvature up and to the right. All right. It's like a good fastball. Even to have like any curve, man, that's like pretty insane. You don't like that?

No, I'm saying like it's pretty impressive to even like be able to have like a curved dick. But a lot of dudes' dicks probably don't even curve. Dude, is that true? Yeah. Is yours curved? If I'm like chubbed up, maybe a little bit. Like curved, like mine goes like this. If I knew my dick was going to be out in front of other men, I would borderline jerk off before taking it oh no no

for sure for sure i'm not whipping out a hard dick no that's what i'm saying i'm whipping out a hard dick you're whipping out yeah and then i'm gonna be like oh you got what are you guys fucking gay what are you guys gay i have a boner right now because you're gay because you are gay my dick is hard yeah Yeah, dude, why would you take your dick out if it's not going to be hard? You gotta start doing that, man. You can't be taking out a flaccid dick. No, you can't. If we're going to be friends and we're going to start hanging out, dude,

you can't just... You can take out a flaccid dick, dude. I'm just saying, though, if you really want to step your game up, dude, take out a hard fucking schlong. If you really want to throw people off, dude. Yeah. Dude, do you know how funny that would be? Yo, I'm just like... If it was just you and the guys. Yo, fellas.

Fellas, peep this. My dick is so hard. No, don't even say anything. Just take it out. If you're at the bachelor party I've done that before at college though Yeah, well we're adults now, man So do I have to go do it again? I mean, dude, imagine if you and the boys were playing rock band, dude

And you just pull your pants down They would think that's so funny That's the thing, they would think that's so funny That is Yo, you guys see Michael drumming right now His dick's out They would love that shit His hard dick's out I'm using one drumstick

One cock No don't even use a drum with your dick That's what I'm saying I'm trying to teach you how to be like an adult Dude thank you for coming man Dude thanks for having me this is a blast um anything you want to tell the people dude like your i'll put your instagram handle and stuff in the description but any shows or like anything you got coming up i mean like i just got so many shows all the fucking time y'all so just fucking follow me on that also if you guys if they can

follow me so then i could like help if y'all follow me and like me then i will actually use the cache from that to kind of make my enemies lives bad i would love to use y'all to maybe sick you guys onto my enemies. Hell yeah, dude. Appreciate you, man. Thanks, Johnny.