The Johnny Salami Podcast - Mike Cannon

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Mike Cannon by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love? Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love Oh, bro, I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm there we go dude you see that man it's going that's nice fucking crushing man yeah that vacuum did a pretty good job too man it took the clumps off for sure it definitely didn't do i mean your

dog did a number he sheds like crazy man yeah but it got excited yeah those uh those dyson vacuums do they go for so much yeah i don't know man is that was that a purchase you made when you got a big boy apartment you're like i need a heavy duty vacuum i think like three days into getting a dog yeah i legit couldn't breathe i woke up in the middle of the night and i was like convulsing and shit and uh the next day man i just had to drop uh so much money yeah on like a purifier and like a vacuum yeah but it was exciting man like going to Best Buy and stuff and picking out a vacuum, dude. You know, they don't really help you out that much. No, they don't know what they're doing anymore.

Like those are just people. They're not electronics experts. There's no such thing. They're just people. Yeah, they're just there, man. Yeah. You ask them a question, they're like, you have a phone? You're fucking looking up, dude.

I don't know. They're kind of right, though, dude. Of course. Yeah, they're like you have a phone you're fucking looking up dude i don't know they're kind of right though dude of course you know yeah they're not wrong the information you get from your phone is far more accurate and less condescending than anything somebody from best buy oh yeah dude you ever listen to those guys like when you actually get their attention never once you know what i fought for their attention and then as soon as they start talking it's like a frag grenade goes off and i can't hear a word they're saying yeah this one dude at best buy he uh completely fucked me over i don't even know why i asked him you know i should just use my phone i was like you guys have this charger and he was like yeah for sure man it's like right in front of your face yeah and i trusted him dude

i literally right in front of your face damn i don't know why sales tactic see that's also why i don't like going i mean i'm a big shopper guy i like i like getting my clothes in person i'm a tactile autistic so i can't you know getting stuff online is just not all that fulfilling yeah i like getting in person but the moment somebody that works at that store talks to me i'm out i leave the premises i go to the next door because i just can't handle any type of pressure or salesmanship i don't want it leave me alone yeah because you know they're they're trying to fuck you over yeah i'm just doing field research there's nothing you're doing to actually help me yeah you can't trust these hoes dude no not at all i had a weird experience

though dude i was gonna say uh with the vacuum this is why i brought it up but uh i had a guest on that i didn't really know uh-huh similar to this yeah okay good didn't really know by the way there's no way you like this music oh yeah this is ironic right this is just your personality on pictures me dude there's no way but you didn't grow up like and your parents are probably too young to uh well they're they were their parents like pink floyd because how old are you i'm 27 right but uh yeah my parents were very old when they had me that's all right there we go that's cool they had a whole display of uh old music were you one of those afterthought like you they had a whole family and then you came like tagging along. Yeah, I can't even imagine.

I can't even imagine the nut my dad shot, dude. You know what I mean? But I'm here. You are here. It makes sense. I mean, look at me, dude. You know, you look like a final load. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, just a rare breed, dude. Yeah. Hasn't has a breed life for years. And then just out of nowhere, the Kraken opened and just out came you. Just rare breed, dude. Yeah. Hasn't breed life for years. And then just out of nowhere, the Kraken opened. And just out came you. Just a legend, dude. That's good stuff.

Do you have siblings? Yeah, I have a sister. Okay. Yeah. That's cool. Is she much older? She's a year older. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Oh, so you're not that much of a mistake. You guys all do. Just two nuts. Two. Two nuts, man. Just explosive ropes back to back. Explosive ropes, dude.

Yeah. I mean, I hope I'm. Two nuts, man. Just explosive ropes back to back. Explosive ropes, dude. Yeah. I mean, I hope I'm fulfilling his legacy, dude. I hope so, too. If I know anything about you and I don't, it's that you are. Yeah. It's that John guy, dude. He just shoots ropes. Yeah.

But, dude, this guest was sitting down, and Bub kind and Bub kind of, like, got a little stuff on him. You know, he shed it on him. And first words out of my mouth, dude, I walk over with the Dyson vacuum, and I go, you want a little sucking? Straight face. Like, didn't even laugh. Yeah. He didn't laugh. He didn't laugh.

I had to go to the bathroom to laugh. That's a poor sport. Yeah. I would have appreciated both the offer and the humor and the blow job and the blow job job i thought it was a good joke i would have i would have actually had you just do it as well do you like you can't just throw that around dude that would be like a good initiation this is my first time friendship dude yeah this is the house of lies yeah but uh. But I listen to that music.

And, I mean, dude, when your name gets brought up a lot, like people say you're a baller, dude. Is this true? Yeah. More of a shot caller. Really? No, but in terms of basketball? Yeah. Yeah, I used to play.

Now I am a broken down old man. So now I have no lucidity. How do you feel when people bring that up? Do you just feel like uncomfortable or like what comes up like in your mind? It makes me happy that the internet wasn't really a thing when I was in college or high school. Like I can kind of, I'm one of the last few people that can lie about their careers. Like even I've searched myself online and all of the online numbers are like i played one game and was called gay at halftime like there's no recorded stats at all so i'm like hell yeah that's fantastic no video i can't even find my college highlight

tape that i sent out but uh yeah i don't know max preps type thing yeah so i i went to i played in in high school massively underachieved, but fun ride. Played in JUCO, where I then was going to get recruited to play at a four-year. I mean, I played against, like, legit D1 crew talent. Like, once you get on the court with those guys, you're like, oh, I'm, there's a ceiling to what I'm trying to do. Like, the talent was there, they were just, like, mentally challenged. Exactly, yeah. They got, like, a six on their SAT.

I've been there, dude. Which actually makes them a more dangerous basketball player. It's unreal that they knew, that they like have figured out the mechanics of a jump shot, but their brain doesn't work in any other capacity. That's just an insane focus. Nothing but a jumper, dude. But yeah, I mean, I played against like, so when you say baller in in the comedy sense yes yeah yeah but in the real world i'm just being honest man like people always bring it up and

i'm like damn dude this guy must be like dropping his dropping his nuts on people at the courts or something it's probably just because i uh i filmed this series i so i used to play i played competitively i played au high school was gonna play for a year, but I got hurt coming out of junior college. And I wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. I was on a fast track to being a JV coach. That was going to be the horizon of my career. But that, like, I don't even remember what I was talking about. But it was just not, it wasn't going anywhere.

Your trajectory? Yeah, my trajectory. Oh, I played AAU. I played, like, junior college against these guys that, like, I mean, yeah, they are just different specimen. Different specimen. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Oh, and then I filmed, that's why I was going to say, I filmed this series this past year called Old Man Basketball,

where I joined what I thought was a slow break league for, like, old men. Like, I thought it was going to be like a fatter yeah like fat old men and then I could just kind of stand in the corner and hit threes yeah turned out it was 35 plus competitive and it's all kids that I actually because I live back where I'm back where I grew up so it's all dudes I grew up with and played AAU with and they all continue to play they all coach or train so they're they have been within the game and I haven't picked up a ball in 16 years and that was uh just a humiliating experience yeah just getting butt fucked up and down the court my sons and the he's like you lose every week and I'm like yeah but it's not about that it's about refinding

as long as you didn't tear your ACL or anything, man. No. Dude, my friend, RIP. Not dead. But he did tear his Achilles three minutes into our first game. Oh. First game. He drilled his first three. So I guess, you know, he went out on top.

Maybe it was the confidence that got to him. Yeah. He thought he still had that bounce, dude. He thought he could rev the engine a little hot after that. That's what it is, man. You get that confidence and you think you still have it. Did you play football with that head? Yeah, dude. But I was always getting hurt, man.

Really? Yeah. I mean, I barely know how to walk now. You know what I mean? I've been, the last 10 years of my life, I've been relearning how to walk. Is that true? Did you get into some cataclysmic accident or something? Yeah, I had a bunch of knee injuries and it like fucked up my hips. No shit. And then I played rugby in college. Oh, cool. I played Gaelic football. Really? Yeah.

Is it just, is it gay? It's gay. You lick and then you fuck at halftime. I mean, rugby is probably the same thing. Rugby is pretty gay. It's a Gaelic football is kind of Australian rules football with a round ball more or less it's really fast paced it's super fun i played over here we didn't lose for like seven years so we went over to ireland we played nine counties and we won seven you tackle each other and shit not really no it's not it you don't lock up or anything but it's shoulder to shoulder yeah it's vicious hits with zero pads but it's not like you can't really target or anything like that. It's all within the motion of the game.

Does it ever get like intimate out there, dude? Yeah, you know, just to defy the Catholic Church. Just a bunch of dudes hugging, dude. No, if anything, it's just a bunch of shame-filled Irish people that if they feel any type of emotion besides rage, they'll fight you. Yeah. I miss being a part of a group, though, dude. Yeah. Something to be said about it yeah you

know yeah when was the last time you like uh were a part of something like bigger than yourself i have a wife and kid oh man oh that's so funny such a dumb fucking question only somebody that hosts a solo pod would ask that question i'm fucking crushing it oh that's amazing so wait what did you i i'm Somebody that hosts a solo pod would ask that question. I'm fucking crushing it, dude. Oh, that's amazing.

So wait, what did you, I'm interested in your athletic past, though. When did you cap out? Did you play past high school, or what'd you do? Oh, dude, I fucking blew out my knee first year of high school. No shit. Yeah, I mean, dude, I was in good shape, man. I was ready for war, dude, you know. Yeah. I mean, dude, I was in good shape, man. I was ready for war, dude. You know? Yeah.

Because I had fucking tits my whole life leading up to seventh grade. Sure. Huge tits. Yeah. Like my friend Tim, same thing. Yeah. And then he got super lean and jacked in high school. Yeah.

I had to lose weight just to play peewee football in eighth grade. Okay. Yeah. So, dude, I did the whole uh trash bag thing oh no shit yeah old school oh dude i didn't even have an ipod who's your father mick i don't even have like i would run around the block and i would just like i had a radio and i would just wait for like a good song to play like thanks for the memories you know that song oh it's like a shitty song anyway dude i would just wait for it to play like thanks for the memories you know that song oh it's like a shitty song

anyway dude i would just wait for it to play on the radio and then i would just fucking run as hard as i could with like two trash bags on i didn't realize i was literally killing myself but uh i made weight man it was wild it was the first time in my life i didn't have tits that's amazing but uh did you eat well at all or you just didn't even consider that didn't even back then that was a myth yeah yeah they didn't even nobody even knew there was a time when grilled chicken wasn't even really a thing like nobody even knew you could do that oh they're like what do you mean no breaded crumbs yeah people were just ripping marlboro reds dude and just not pulling out yeah no, no, never. Yeah, never. And then our family, our parents were like stunned when they had nine kids.

Oh, dude, I mean, that sounds so appealing though, dude. Imagine smoking a Marlboro Red, just listening to like the Rolling Stones and ripping. It's kind of my life. Minus the Marlboro Reds. Yeah, yeah. I just take edibles and just rip them into my wife. So that's pretty cool

dude you're ripping into your wife i am yeah we're trying for a second on edibles though yeah holy shit that's right dude you got uh yeah so i have the full scope of what's happening going on in my brain see the sperm as i'm as i'm coming i get both the positives and the negatives yeah all the thoughts converge at once damn dude how uh that's right dude because you did that whole uh edible i mean i don't know if you still do it but the edible uh stand-up thing yeah yeah i do it on a kid like we do it now once a year because it's just good content and now i have other comics come on and do it yeah but it's just uh crowd work on edibles yeah and it's just a good time that's so so crazy, man. Because the crowd comes.

They're also, like, it's billed as that. They know what it is. So they're high. We're high. There's so many miscommunications that it's just, it's a very fun evening. And, yeah. It almost gives, like, the viewer anxiety just watching it, dude. I think so.

Well, we've actually, we mitigated that. So, yes. Yeah. Yes. watching it dude i think so well we've actually we mitigated that so yes yeah yes because the first one i did was an hour special of just me and i was on 150 milligrams which for me is like a good amount yeah it's not my crazy tipping point but it's like a good amount and it was great i like caught a wave the crowd was awesome it was super fun the next one i did i hosted and then i had a bunch of con i chris de stefano yamanika a bunch of comics, Karen Feehan come on and do sets of crowd work. And that was super fun. But we kept the extended sets and some of it was so uncomfortable. None. It went with like we just didn't shorten any of it. We just kept it because we wanted to show the warts and all anxiety of the high experience. But then what you just said dawned on us where we're like, oh, we're actually making people uncomfortable.

So we should probably maybe speed up some of those things. Yeah. Would a would 150 like that would probably do some damage to the average Joe, right? I assume so. I mean, here's the thing. It depends on everybody. to the average joe right i assume so i mean it does it here's the thing it depends on everybody there's i'd say 150 and i make sure to jump on it and say which is a lot for me because there's so many marijuana alphas out there that are just like i take that to fucking pick my daughter up from school and it's like super cool dude i don't know what to tell you i'm just having a good time yeah i mean that's i mean dude not that this would ever happen, but that would be hilarious if, like, it was my first time doing that. You were like, this next guy, John, I just met him.

Not sure if he's ever taken edibles. Oh, dude, I immediately just start jerking off. Jason Choi took his shirt off. Really? Yeah, he sure did. What was the energy like? It was really good. It was excellent.

I mean, they did not know. I mean, first of all, he is such, Jason Choi is a 6'19 Asian person. Yeah, just a huge, huge man. And so as soon as he steps on stage, he's like a jarring, you can't believe he's real sight to begin with. And then add edibles to that and add his edible energy which was like he was there for a good goddamn time yeah and uh yeah it was uh i think a lot of people loved it and some people were frightened like a flash flood warnings when it happened yeah the godzilla alarm went off as soon as he pounded the stage yeah i can't even imagine how chicks uh would react to

that jason yeah was he fucking was he chills it up? Like, what was he? I'm not gay, dude. I'm just. Do you think, oh, you're asking how his body is? Yeah. What do you think? If you had to guess by sight memory of Jason Choi. I think I would get like a little chubbed up.

Well, here's something you might not know. He was a former, I think, Division I football player. Wow. Yeah. So he's like legit elite. He's Asian too, right? Yeah. That's wild. He's a rare breed then truly not being racist not at all no you don't see that a lot man not a lot of football

players yeah especially but yeah he uh his body is awful it um it was like unsettling in so many awkward places he'd be the first to admit it. I mean, there is just, yeah, pockets of slop packed all over. That takes a man, though, to just take your shirt off. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Can't even take it. Dude, if I took off my shirt, like, within the next few weeks,

I'd probably lose, like, five years of my life, dude. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Tough time. I haven't shaved my chest in, like, a year and a half, dude. What is it? Is it thick or does it grow in weird patches it looks like i like stapled my gooch to my chest dude it's crazy that's wild

i have something a new level of hair bro i have so i'm not sure if it is that like i don't know what you're saying is your gooch consistent hair or is it is it wispy it's just like hair that you just like don't go near you know like you don't even want to touch it dude yeah i have symbol i have like i have like patchy daddy long legs almost like third month of chemo yeah like kind of it's gross you gotta like secretly like it though do what does anybody or do i don't know man no nobody has ever natural nobody has ever looked at my chest the only person that's ever looked at my body and made an instant comment was robert kelly we were at the same gig in aruba i saw him i was very excited to see a friendly face the whole place is packed i go what's up bob but he looks at me and he goes your nipples are too low and then turned around and walked away and i was like

just heartbroken for the rest of the week damn that would have broken my fucking heart i was like six years ago i have not stopped thinking about it really every day yeah yeah i can they are they're a hair too low yeah like not even enough how i mean mine are the same like have you ever like gotten uh like a titty twister yeah people always miss they're always like yeah you know i used to think i thought i don't know if somebody told me this or if it was something i read but somebody told me that a titty twister could cause cancer. And I was genuinely fearful of that because when I went through puberty, I had those like fat deposits in my nipples. Yeah.

Did you have those? Those little chunky nips? Still do, dude. You still do? Yeah. They stuck around. They're still here, man. Damn.

Why do you think the podcast is named this, dude? What is it named? The Johnny Salami Podcast, dude. Because you have salami nips my nipples dude yeah i had no idea wow i genuinely thought i also that's so funny i didn't i wasn't sure if the name of the podcast was johnny salami or if that was your actual name yeah i mean people are still uh people just call me that now man yeah i haven't really uh said anything i mean i think i have there's not really listening, which is usually what

happens anyway. It's not my name, dude. They're like, all right. Yeah, whatever, dude. Yeah, that will be. I mean, now it's probably recognizable of what you do because your clips go out there. So now it's part of your branding. So you may have to tore off the name of Johnny Salami. I might have to legally

change it. Yeah, I might have to legally change it. I feel like Johnny would be my real name is John, but Johnny would be a lot cooler. Yeah. You look like a Johnny, though. Yeah. Like, you could pull that off. It's cooler when, like, chicks call you Johnny. Not that they ever do, but if they had to, that would be kind of cool.

Can I tell you something that's, like, crazy to me? Yeah. So right now, just in terms of just your general outfit and how you're dressed, you're dressed exactly how I dressed in like high school. Really? And not saying I'm saying that in your, your generation are dressing that way. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like early two thousands, that style is the exact style. Yeah. And it's just bugging me out because it's, it's normal, but it's bringing me back to a time. Yeah.

You feel like you're looking at yourself, dude? Yeah, a little bit. I'm just kidding. I'm just fucking around. No, I see a lot of me in you. Well, I don't know, man. It's weird. I've been wearing this stuff for five or six years, man. And people are genuinely confused, but now it's starting to pick up again.

I think I started a movement, dude. I don't know. People always think you're trying to be like someone else. Sure. It's weird. I wear the polos for five six years now you know almost got sponsored by izod you know like almost i'm just kidding dude that would be sick yeah i wanted to hear the story out you were sitting across from someone who may have been an izod representative we had a chance yeah dude they only picked the cream of the crop.

That is not something that... Aaron Rodgers, dude. Is he an Izod guy? He was. I don't know if he's still going with him. Yeah, I don't know. He's probably better now. You know what I mean?

He's probably like, fuck this shit, dude. Well, if Izod is in bed with Pfizer, you can't muddy that message. That's true, dude. Yeah. You can't mess with that. Yeah, man. Someone told me, like, I get a lot of comments about, like, Gillis and stuff. Sure.

Because I guess he wears this now. Yeah, of course. Well, he did, I think, on Rogan. But, yeah, I could see the influence. I mean, I'm not trying to be like anyone, though. I just want to have my own swag. You know what I mean? Sure.

I feel like that's the cool thing to do. That is, yeah. But, yeah, what year was this? Something going on in that throat? A lot of cum, dude, as of recently. That's why I'm drinking water, dude. I don't know what's going on. It's your dog.

It's the dog hair. I think that's probably exactly what it was. That might be it, dude. You were handling the Dyson after I sucked it up. Or the fact that I drink like six coffees a day and then try and like flush it down with like water and, you know. Why are you drinking so many coffees? Just to stay alive, man. I know why I am. Just to coffees just to stay i know why i am just

to keep going do you do uh long hours is your day stretched out like do you work during the day yeah but i've always i've always drinking too much coffee sure it used to be really bad but i'm trying to uh like keen off of it i guess you know i'm just laughing at the throat clearing oh dude it happens so it happens on gas all the time too and know i'm just laughing at the throat clearing oh dude it happens so it happens on gas all the time too and like i'm just like fucked oh on that job on the podcast i like it though it's good it humanizes you yeah it shows that you're really struggling oh yeah all the time yeah for breath what uh what type of thoughts though dude like uh if you're feeling everything on edible like when did this start when did i start taking edibles

yeah um i started smoking weed late so i played basketball i played junior college for two years i didn't drink or smoke weed really at all because i was under the delusion that i was going to make something of it uh that didn't do anything. I started considering stand-up, started writing stand-up in college, joined like half an improv thing or TV show. It was a college campus TV sketch group. The TV show was like just to the college, and I think it aired at like 4 a.m. on a Tuesday or something like that. But then edibles weren't even around.

I remember we made brownies, you know, that stuff, but it was all unregulated. We'd put a half an ounce, two an ounce in the shit and then just see God for an afternoon. But then, yeah, only recently have I just almost completely cut smoking out, and now I just take edibles. What was the transition like? From smoking to edibles?

Yeah. It's been nice, to be honest. I mean, I still have just 20 years of fucking blunt lungs, so I'm trying to clean those out the best I can. I get targeted by that TikTok serum all the time. Okay. Do you ever see that? No.

That was a bug. Sorry. My whole targeting is just like it's like tits and like special needs kids pretty much oh that's cool yeah sometimes both yeah that's that's sometimes it's a mixture that's what the harmonious video the harmonious god vibe yeah like a make-a-wish type vibe sure yeah put on a buxom young lady yeah by of age young lady yeah of course man for sure she's the mom of the kid. Yeah, but I can't even, I've done edibles one time and I almost shot myself in the fucking

dick, dude. Really? Yeah. Like the Wu-Tang member. Why? I went to a college baseball tryout on like four edibles, dude. That's sick. That's a good idea.

Yeah. That's a good idea. The first time you take an edible to have uh to do something where your future relies on it that's good well i did it the night before oh okay so it was still cooking we did them at like one or two in the morning and the tryout was at eight in the morning so you have like four brownies dude by the time eight around like rolls around you're at your the peak. You know what I mean? I'm seeing like the devil's tits, dude.

I was losing my fucking mind. We were doing like static stretching and dynamic stretching, and there was tears like coming down my face. I was laughing my ass off. I bet that felt good, though. No, it was the worst experience. I work out on edibles all the time. Really? There was no part of you that could like stretch

and really feel the fibers contrasting and then coming together? I think the whole time I was just like, wow, dude, I'm getting higher by the minute. Yeah. I mean, it was your first time too. The only reason I can do that is because I just know what to expect. A lot of laughter though. Sure. Uncontrollable laughter. Yeah. Well, dude, we did live pitching. So they put me in a cage with a bunch of Division I athletes.

All these kids had Division I talent. Yeah. But they knew, like, three words. Cool. Was it a community college? Community college, yeah. Oh, look at us. But they had gone to, like, the national championship the year before.

Nice. So, yeah, man, I got in the cage, and I hit three kids in a row. And then the fourth kid I hit in the head and his helmet flew off. Oh, you were pitching? I was pitching. Oh, I thought you were in the box. Oh, no, dude. You hit three kids?

I thought this was a triumphant story. I was like, dude, look at this. Weed locks you in. And you're like, oh, I killed six kids. It was one of the worst days of my life. You hit three kids. Where'd you hit them? So, well, first of all, I did the stretching and I was

laughing and you could kind of, I could feel it around me. I was like, these people are looking at me like kind of funny. Were you the only one on edibles out of your friends? I didn't have any friends. I was alone. Wait, so you did edibles alone the night before? With a friend. Okay, but he was not a baseball prospect. No, he was just from my hometown. We were

just trying to have a good time. Just trying to bring down a friend? Yeah, we drove by his house probably four or five times. He was like, I can't go inside. And, yeah, I didn't get any sleep, man. Went to the tryout, and, like, I was just getting ready. And by the time I had to go into the – when I found out we were doing live pitching, my brain exploded. I thought we were just going to play catch, maybe, you know, do a little icebreaker challenge something like that dude you know i mean icebreaker challenge you think is a social event yeah i didn't know the level of intensity dude the coach was like 70 years old he was like let's get

fucking gay boys well that's the thing is uh is junior college sports is really intense and they have like none of the resources so it's all you're basically like using all old cyo equipment and getting splinters while you're also trying to better your life yeah it's very you're in like a rec center it's intense yeah you're a youth rec center exactly you feel like you're in the the hoosiers movie dude yeah you know yeah it's like an old gym yeah we had a field house that was just filled with Hasidics. Rockland Community College and Muncie is right there. And that's like a large, I think, large population of Hasidic people. And they would frequent just all over our gym.

And it would take a while to kind of clear the floor so we could practice. You had to throw some change out the window or something? You know what? I don't care for that type of humor. How dare you? Are you Jewish? No. Oh. No, I'm just trying to make it don't care for that type of humor. How dare you? Are you Jewish? No. Oh. No, I'm just trying to make it in this business, you sack of shit.

I was recently exposed to the Hasidic Jews, man. I didn't even know. You know, but you didn't know. To be honest with you, man, the one I found out was when the whole tunnel story came out. You did not know of them as a people. I had heard the term, but I didn't know their lifestyle. I didn't know they wore those outfits and stuff like that.

Where are you from? Rhode Island. Really? Yeah, we don't see them out there, man. No, that's more of a, I guess, waspy type of thing, right? What does that mean? Like Christ. Christ, wasp, money. I don't really know much about Rhode Island besides Newport.

I like Newport a lot. Rhode Island is like that movie, Safe Haven. You know? Just think about it. I like Newport a lot. Rhode Island is like that movie Safe Haven. You know? Just think about it. Just like a hot chick trying to get away. Okay. You know? Are you from a nice part of Rhode Island? I would say so, yeah. Sure. When I go

to other places, I'm like, oh yeah, this is not as nice. I was lucky, yeah. I mean, compared to like Williamsburg, you know, like if you're going there but as a child of the internet you just never even stumbled across a hasidic jew never dude wow i think i saw a few orthodox jews sure whatever that means yeah i think it's just a little less intense i think they just have to have the beard you know what i mean yeah i'm not sure i don't really know the difference crazy requirement i know that just in two places

that i've lived i've lived in highly concentrated hasidic areas which was in in uh yeah when i went to college and then i lived in crown heights wow so i and with this face walking around crown heights i'm like a thick white broad in harlem like i am getting hit up constantly are you jewish are you jewish are you jewish like with the things in their hands and they're trying to do the mitzvah or whatever. I'm not really even, I've never gone through with it. I've almost said I was Jewish, but I didn't want to be. They're trying to recruit you? I think so. Or at least open up

my eyes to, you know, I think they're trying to take like non, like regular Jewish people and maybe alive in their faith. Wow. Yeah. Damn, I didn't know it was like that, man. I don't know if it is. I might have just made that up. You were just high on edibles all the time.

I'm just saying what it seemed like from my vantage point. They're fucking after me. What are you trying to do, dude? Are you trying to live in my faith? I mean, there's so many of them. It would make sense, you know? Yeah. I don't know if there is that many.

In Williamsburg? Well, definitely out there. I'm just saying would make sense, you know? Yeah. I don't know if there is that many. In Williamsburg? Well, definitely out there. I'm just saying in, like, the entire world. Oh, dude. But the thing—have you read up about them in general? No, I don't even know how to read. The thing that—that's cool. The thing that impresses me about them as a people is that they are—they're like a direct response to World War II and to Hitler.

They're like a direct response to World War II and to Hitler. Like, they have taken that radical perspective to Judaism and to follow the letter of the law and to preserve it within their community as a direct response to the attempted elimination. Where do the costumes come in, though? I don't know. That's somewhere written. Written in the first book. Somewhere. That's sick, man. Thou shall be hot at all times yeah and thou balls shall smell

like a pork shit yeah yeah you think their balls smell there's no way they don't yeah there's no way the material of that plus whatever i mean if their face is that hairy could you imagine the lack of upkeep oh my god it must smell like a fucking like a like a dog's puss. Like an ugly... That's a good analogy. Yeah, like a... I had a specific dog in mind, but obviously I didn't. That would be good for like English class. Yeah, dog's puss.

Yeah. Damn, dude. Especially in the summer, man. I can't even imagine. I don't even think Jewish women like shave their beef. Yeah, I'm not sure. You know what? Dude, we got to go over there and start asking questions.

That's right. Dude, that would be such a funny like comedy segment. Just both of us stoned in Williamsburg just asking. What's going on here? That's how you approach it? You're like, so, tell me. Full bush? What's going on here? That thing, I mean, that video of that one Hasidic guy climbing out of the sewer grate

and then popping up and just walking down the street, that is something you only see when you're peeking on mushrooms like have you ever done a hallucinogen and just in the middle of the craziest trip an elephant will like have escaped a volkswagen and you're like what the fuck was that how did that possibly happen well dude i haven't uh i've never done mushrooms man oh why not are you scared of empathy i'm scared i'm gonna just give up on everything let's be honest with you no i think it'll crystallize your focus if anything yeah it'll give you a better idea of what's important yeah i mean uh i wasn't even good on weed dude like i would get stoned sometimes in high school and uh even when i had a girlfriend she would be talking

to the guys we're with and she'd be like i don't want him driving oh no kidding and you're like back is turned but you can hear them talking but you have to pretend you don't there were several times where i would be in like a stationary car i would like i would bring i would always bring up jeff gordon uh-huh tell the driver to slow down. We were just stationary. Everyone was just having a good time. Yeah, I've tripped out a few times on marijuana. Yeah. Because I would just smoke so much, man. No kidding. I'd be like, you guys, they'd be like, yeah, we just want to chill, man.

You know, and I'd be like, all right. And then just. Is that how you are with boozing, too? Yeah. Yeah. It's bad. Push it to the limit. Yeah.

I was like that, too. I love alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much with everything, too? Yeah. Yeah. It's bad. Push it to the limit. Yeah. I was like that, too. I love alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much with everything, to be honest. Yeah, yeah. My wife calls me Mikey Extreme because I can't, like, I don't dip my toe into anything. It's like as soon as I like it, I overdo it.

It's like, let's be great. Let's be great. Let's be world champions. Yeah. Is that, would that be considered like an addictive personality? I guess, or at least impulsive. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I have, I have a tough time with that stuff because I definitely have addictive genes, but I definitely also have, have discipline that I can activate at the same exact time. So it's hard for me to fully understand what other

people are going through. Like truly, I'm not, I'm not saying that from a dickhead perspective. I'm just saying like, I don't know if I'm clinically addicted or whatever. I don't know if I have that. I just, I know that I like certain shit, but I can stop it. I do stop it when I don't want to do it anymore. Oh, that's cool that you can stop it. I was always jealous. Yeah, I haven't drank in five years.

Yeah. Do you think about it, like, every day or not? No, not at all. I mean, I'm also, again, I love edibles, so I'm not sober or pretend to be any hero. But no, it's, dude, being 38, I would love to drink, but I don't want to drink at 38. I want to drink at your age. Like I want to feel that way because that doesn't exist to me anymore. So whatever I do, my drinking, it just doesn't,

it doesn't match up. I got you. You know? Yeah. I've, um, I think about getting a high, maybe like running it back when I get older. Sure. I just want to accomplish something first before I start doing a crazy shit. Yeah. Cause I don't even know what happened if I did mushrooms, man. You know? I mean, my thoughts are already wild enough. I don't want to start jerking off in front of the boys or something like that. I don't think that would happen. Have you done that? No. Did that skip a generation? Like, did

your generation not do that? You all have personal phones. I've heard stories about it, like circle jerks and stuff. No, that's not. I mean, or maybe that was a thing, but no. Just me and my friends out of sheer necessity, because we'd have one computer or one TV. You just have to find a corner of the room, you know, and kind of stay out of everybody's periphery and knock it out.

That was a movement? Yeah, of course. Wow. Yeah. I never, I never experienced that. It was a big movement. Did you feel accomplished afterwards or was it kind of awkward? No, there's nothing, nothing accomplished about it.

And I bet all of them, if they're watching this uh saying that must have been his other friends yeah because they probably blocked it out i'm the only one that reaches back to remember yeah the facebook group yeah do you ever think about that like as comics it is our job to kind of really just wade through all the bullshit that we've done and really consider just the fucked up decisions we've made and then when you bring it up and you know kind of lump in friends from your past, they're like, I didn't choose that life, man. Yeah. I have no interest in going back there.

What you're describing is my life. Yeah. I'm like, you guys remember that? Like, we don't even, we don't even know you, dude. It's, uh, it's sad, man. It is. But it's also like, it's confusing when comics are like, dude, I'm trying to be normal. It's like, what does that even mean?

Nothing. If you're normal, then comedy's over, dude. Sure. There's no... Nobody's normal in general. Who's saying they're trying to be normal? In what capacity? I don't know, man.

Just like... Because in intro, I'll tell you an interesting theory that I've been hearing. Okay. That's kind of moderately appealing, but also not at the same time. It's all kind of like you could just pick and choose. This is just a theory, though? This is just a theory. Okay.

Theory, not mine. I was going to write it down, but... You have it recorded. Yeah. So it's one of those typical home life with an atypical job. You know what I mean? So I do love the fact that I have a wife,

I have a son. That's super cool. But then I have this job that's atypical where I get to travel. I get to bring them with me. I get to have more free time than a lot of my friends who work 9 to 5. I get to see my kid a lot more. So it's an interesting thing where it's like it's not necessarily normal, but I see what they're saying in terms of trying to get more normal. I feel you.

Yeah, I think the idea of becoming a better version of yourself is cool, but just scratching everything and being like, yeah, I'm going to become this fucking, this someone I saw online is fucking crazy, dude. That's insane. Yeah, everyone's doing therapy now, and they don't even know why. They just want to be cool and stuff,

and it's like, you know, let's do some deviant shit, man, and talk about it. Second theory. I'll throw it right at you is especially considering we're talking about and this isn't about you this is in general because i used to tell people that everybody should do mushrooms everybody would benefit it's the best it'll give you empathy it'll connect you to other people and it's like it worked for me yeah i think there are people that are just too first of all I've seen it trigger like dormant mental illness just like

complete psychosis has been unfurled from the gates of hell because of mushrooms and then I've also I think some people are too dumb for mushrooms and therapy because it turns them into that being their personality they then become mushrooms the guy

or therapy the guy or therapy, the guy. And it's like, they're just using that verbiage and turn in instead of actually internalizing it and learning anything and applying it. They're just using the words because they feel superior and it feel it actually feels their egoic bullshit. Yeah.

No, dude. Thanks for letting me know. Definitely saw what you did there. Maybe give it a few more years. Read a few more books. Read a few more books. Just get a little more stable. Yeah. No, I hear you.

You see me on the news, dude. You're the guy that did the original Kony 2012 post. You're just walking nude down the street, storming at people. Just blind firing in the air. Damn right. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, I think it's something like i i want to like

i think about like when i go to home depot and stuff and like i call it like i mean i don't think i call it this but like the terms uh not the terms but the term universal sound sure you heard that no i guess it's pretty like subjective man it's honestly a song but it's about just like just like basic things that you like basic senses you experience throughout the day. Like you ever go outside early in the morning and just smell fucking Scott's Turf Grow, dude? Yeah. Like that's a universal sound. Okay.

You know? Yeah. Almost like back in the day, like when you smelled the basketball court. Sure. That smell, dude. You're just like, fuck, man. Isn't that funny? I actually just talked to my son about this, and I didn't know what it was called,

but I said in a few weeks it's going to smell like baseball. Yeah. I was like, there's just a smell in the grass. There's dew. It's always like right around the end of March. That also reminds me of my birthday as a kid. Like, baseball tryouts were always around then. Yeah.

And it's just like, yeah, that's that. Like, it reminds you of just that time. Yeah, just like Scott's turf grow and just pissed and pissed yeah but yeah man that's that's how they grow grass in rhode island huh yeah piss but that's what we live for i mean that's what i live for dude is just that universal sound yeah you know just keeps you going man you know what i mean i don't know if i'm making sense no i don't know if I'm making sense. No, I don't know what you mean. I'm trying like hell to grab on. I'll make another example. Okay.

Okay. You drink a lot of coffee, dude. Yeah. You ever, maybe on like a weekend or something, dude, you get like a Starbucks coffee, dude. You put on the radio, you put on a song, maybe it'll bring back like some nostalgia, dude. And you're just like, damn, dude, like this is life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. That's what keeps me going, man. Okay. You know? bring back like some nostalgia dude and you're just like damn dude like this is life yeah yeah yeah absolutely that's what keeps me going man okay you know about that i went through a huge

phase where i wanted like a hot chick to see me in my car just listening do you have a nice car no no i have a honda accord okay but practical yeah yeah reliable dude yeah yeah she sees that she's like it's a reliable man. That guy is sensible. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of miles. He'll get me from A to B.

But just listening to like ACDC or something, you know, like you shook me all night long and just like giving a chick like a quick head nod. Sure. Never happened, but. What does the girl look like in your mind? Probably like Virginia. Virginia? Like Meet Virginia. You know the song? Yeah. Like that. happened but what does the girl look like in your mind probably like virginia virginia like meet virginia you know the song yeah like sorry i have a friend named virginia and that just like freaked me out i was like what yeah what does she look dude say her name her name is virginia

what is she looking like uh she's good looking girl oh yeah i thought she was like hideous or something no not at all no it just freaked me out that you might know her. Imagine, dude, that would be wild. And that's just like how you did it. You just slid it in abrupt. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That'd be fucking wild, dude. When you're like when you're like, are you doing things as an adult? Like, I mean, obviously doing things as an adult stone, but like around family, does it make things easier, like less stressful? stone but like around family does it make things easier like less stressful um yeah i mean for me the way the way it benefits me is because my i have a lot of uh intrusive awful everyday constant five lane super highway of negative thoughts and self-hatred yeah so weed kind of just puts up the construction cones you know it like limits it to one lane that's the best i can describe it

slows down traffic makes it a bit more manageable and i i mean i'm i'm on an edible right now i feel like i i operate okay you're a professional dude i'm driving the car fine yeah wow i'm not saying that to be impressive i'm saying that because it it benefits me in the sense that like i don't i don't even know if i'm like losing my mind or if I'm just helping myself out. Yeah, you could be at the psych ward right now. Yeah, exactly. I might be Sinbad in Always Sunny, dude. I have no idea if I exist or not.

Yeah. And you're on Shutter Island, dude. Yeah, but I give you one kind of knowing nod and then walk right to the electric chair. Yeah. Like I swear he was there. That's going to be, have you ever done like, you ever done like LSD, dude? Yeah. Yeah, I've really enjoyed it.

I love hallucinogens. They've single-handedly broken me out of a lot of, I mean, not all of my problems, but certainly some of the cynicism and Irish Catholic stuff that I grew up with. Yeah. Yeah. What was that experience like? LSD in particular? Yeah. Well, I've only ever taken it at Skank Fest, which is hilarious. Oh, actually, no, I took it at an Orthodox Jewish wedding. Holy shit. Yeah. And it was awesome. And one woman, not certain she was real, came up to my wife and i and told us she's like the way you two dance together is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen and then she like feel the dreams faded into the rest of the jews was your wife also on it uh no i don't know i

think she may have been i don't know i don't think so oh okay i was just flowing dude i was just having a good time but for whatever reason for me acid feels how I think ecstasy should feel. Where it's like ecstasy or molly has always made me kind of like rolly and like sometimes feel good. But it didn't like it wasn't pure like rainbows shooting out of your fingertips and chest euphoria that they kind of, you know, it's supposed to care bear you. But it never did that for me. It almost made me feel like kind of i was on a boat but i wanted to jerk off wow yeah but lsd good analogy dude but lsd made me like fully connect to other people social i was having a great time i never have a good time i'm just like you know i'm i'm bouncing around and it was really pleasant did you let anyone know were you like dude i feel

synergy between us right now nothing like that because i'm i i think in terms of psychedelics i think i've i've i've graduated beyond telling people that we're connecting on a highlight you know i hope not to bum them out you're just making out out with dudes? I'm licking their face, but I'm not saying a word. But no, I was talking to Joe List, and we were just talking. Behind him, he's actually standing in front of this billboard that has these butterfly wings with musical notes. It's like a fucking Apple Music ad or something like that. And it was flapping behind him, and the skin was kind of running on the wings, and just the music notes were floating, and it was flapping behind him and the the skin was kind of running on the wings and just the music notes were floating and it was nice but i'm talking to joe and he's got a beam of light

behind him and we're having a great conversation i'm smiling engaged just locked in and he just goes to me after like 20 minutes of us talking he was like man he's like everybody's just like everybody's on drugs right and i was like yeah yeah it's crazy he's like yeah you know are you on anything i was like oh i'm on acid he's like what because you're on fucking acid he's like i thought if you were on acid you'd be like shirtless throwing your shit at people and i'm like it's not what the media tells you dude damn dude yeah so it's a good one all right depends again don't take it if you shouldn't so he was in front of like uh so there's like music notes and then like butterfly wings right yeah like a and a billboard like there's like music notes and then like butterfly wings, right? Yeah. Like, and a billboard.

Like, it was like a wall size painting of butterfly wings. So it was perfect. It was, he was literally flapping like an archangel in front of me. Yeah. Even if I saw that sober, I'd be like, holy shit, dude. Well, that's a weird thing. So that night in particular, I almost only, I mean, I was hanging out with people also on acid, but I got, I don't mean stuck because I had a great conversation, but I got stuck talking to sober people.

Like I talked to Rich Voss for a while. It was notoriously no booze, no alcohol, no nothing. So again, it's like, I'm trying to be respectful. So I'm not flying off the handle, being on acid right in your face, fucking bopping around like a clown. So I'm just trying to have a conversation and it's, uh, both fun and and sometimes difficult to contain yourself shit man that's crazy though dude that's like uh that's like a government uh you know conspiracy drug dude it is actually like yeah because the government's like yeah we're not letting this secret out well they initially i

think they initially tested it as like truth serum wasn't it like initially it was supposed to like remove your inhibition so much that you almost like felt compelled to tell your deep dark secrets well they never released like the studies they did oh no shit i don't know if i knew that actually that's true yeah i just wonder what they were doing in that fucking basement dude they probably saw some shit and they were like yeah we're fucking oh 100 somebody traveled to another dimension dude and saw like fucking Helen Keller, dude. Yeah, definitely. She's in there somewhere.

That's why one of my favorite scenes of any movie is the opening scene of Bill Hader and Pineapple Express when they're doing the governmental experiment with weed. And he's like, fuck you, man. The authority. It's just so good. Yeah. Such a good movie. Yeah. I mean, do we get questions? Oh, man. The Authority. It's just so good. Yeah. Such a good movie. Yeah.

I mean, do we get questions? Oh, great. So originally, dude, I would have someone look at the questions and then pick them out for me. Yeah. But I'm not doing that anymore, dude. Cool. So we might not even. Do you do all the editing for this as well?

Yeah, I do everything, man. That's amazing. Good for you, man. Yeah. Legitimately, I'm not being an asshole. No, but I'm not being an asshole. the editing for this as well yeah i do everything man that's amazing good for you man yeah legitimately i'm not being a thought no but i'm not being an asshole that's like you're putting in the work that's good yeah it takes a lot of uh a lot of failure man yeah a lot of failure dude buddy don't i know see we might not be able to talking to the guy when it comes to that we might not be able to answer some of these so if if they're like not, if they don't make sense, we'll just skip through them.

Great. Let's see what we got here, dude. This is 18 seconds long, dude. Hold on. Oh, it's an audio recording. Yeah. Hey, Johnny. I just wanted to say, bro, like, I truly believe that your fucking podcast is the shit, dude.

And you always never, you never know to make me laugh, bro. Sorry, we won't answer that one. I bet even you knew that was coming, too. You're like, what positive affirmation for the pot? I swear, dude. That's a pump up one. Keep that locked in there for when you're having a bad day. There was a scene in a movie.

What was it? With Brian Callen. You remember that scene? He's like at the diner. you're having a bad day who there was a scene in a movie what was it uh with brian callan you remember that scene he's like at the diner and uh what are you fucking chris farley i can't remember it's like a guy trying to impress a girl and uh like brian callan comes over and like talks the guy up oh that, that's The Godfather, old school. Old school, old school. I can't believe I pulled that out of fucking thin air, dude.

Unbelievable. See, you just got to give it a chance. That's me at film school. I'm like, something happened. Let's try this one. Hey, giant salami. Big fan, bud. Let's try this one These are our fans, dude. Yeah. I like that, though. Wow.

And this used to have a podcast where you guys would do... We would do scenarios. So look at this. I mean, I am well-suited for this. Yeah, you're fucking prepped for this, dude. I've been doing mom jerk-off boot camp. Here's the thing. I mean, dude, the idea, like truly to break down the reality of the situation, right?

Yeah. The idea of having to look. Do you have to look at the homeless guy or they just have to shit in your hands? I think you would have to look at him. You would have to probably look at him, right? So you can't turn your eye just to see that kind of body then spilling their waste into your palm. And it like just a can would fall out like it would be like the insides of the shark and jaws when it spills out onto the fucking dock. That would be a true nightmare.

And I would like to jerk off while making eye contact with my mother just as a payback. Damn. Just as a payback. Holy shit. Making a statement. That's right. Just right in the face. This is what you get for having me.

You think you could pull it off? Yeah. That's my mind. I have a strong focus. What would you get for having me. You think you could pull it off? Yeah. That's my mind. I have a strong focus. What would you be thinking about, though, when you're... My mom. Really? Savage.

It's a brain exercise, man. I want to see how dark it can get. I'm up for the challenge. Yeah, yeah. Let's see if I can take Pornhub to the next level. It's not even their fake mom. It's my real mom. You're training your brain muscles, dude.

Yeah, I really am. Shit. I'm training the compartmentalization. I think everybody can probably at this point. We've all consumed so much stepmother porn. We all probably could successfully fuck our mothers. I think if life depended on it for sure. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. I do. I think we all could depended on it for sure yeah you know yeah yeah i do i think we all could out there i believe in you dude we're philosophers man i would for sure do the homeless man thing you would yeah because i'm already at like a low point i would just be like whatever man yeah i would probably try to get it on video too and then just put it up there and caption it try to make some money put some dates over it yeah that'll be like upcoming shows it's good johnny you know i keep having these hemorrhoids all right um and they smell. You know, I got khakis on, underwear on. You know, last week I had to smell my chair afterwards, you know,

just to get a little of the own brew. But fuck, did I look my head the other way. I wonder if you got any tips, tricks, just on these hemis. I'm soaking my grapes right now in the tub, but, you know, last week my girl ate my ass out and then a hemi kind of appeared, so just wondering a little advice

of how long i should wait um yeah it's hard to fart too so let me know they shouldn't smell so you actually should go to the. I don't even know what a hemorrhoid is, dude. Well, if you are actually getting it, it's a broken blood vessel, I guess, right at the rim of your asshole from pushing too hard. Sometimes it occurs from spicy food. I've gotten one or two in my time. I've gotten a hammy engine now and again. So you've got to just get the pads.

But if it smells like Mitch Hedberg's gangrenous leg. Like, dude, go to the doctor immediately. You should not be able to smell your ass grapes through your khaki pants. He said his girl was eating his butt, too. Right. Why is he doing that? She loves wine. Yeah.

She comes up with purple teeth. So it's like, ah. So it's like the blood vessel just pops? Yeah, I guess so, or at least like, you know, bulges. It's almost like you're like a pug's eye, how it like comes out sometimes, and then you got to go and pop it back in. Wow. So a lot of old people might get that? Probably.

I would assume so. I mean, I love a battle, so sometimes I sit on the toilet and just fucking wrestle an alligator out, and that'll cause just a little whack-a-mole to pop out. Yeah. Now I know what you're saying. Yeah. Hell yeah. Well, I'm sorry, man. Those questions kind of sucked. It's kind of just like...

I enjoyed them. I try to give it hope, you know? I give people an opportunity. Do you have a mission statement for this podcast? Like, is there something that you're out there to accomplish? Are you trying to inspire? You know what, man? I get that question a lot.

Okay. No, not a thing. Not a thing. No, I started, I mean, I started like four years ago. Okay. Podcasting was basically like, everyone was like, yeah, everyone has a podcast. You're too late. Sure. And they're still saying the same stuff. So, uh, yeah, man, I just wanted to kind of like talk to people and just see, I don't really take it seriously, man. I don't have notes or anything like that. It's not like a big deal to me. Yeah. Comedy is a big deal. Yeah. No homo comedy is like

no homo. You have an act. Comedy is a guy. Yeah. I didn't know that. You know, you got an act, dude, you prepare it. You put a lot of time into it sure podcasting to me is just like let's let it rip man let's just see what happens have fun you know have a good time yeah if i had notes or anything like that it would be very it would be weirder than it is now i'd be like oh uh let's talk about tits i couldn't i couldn't picture you yeah and this is no slap or shade, whatever. I couldn't picture you and wouldn't want to picture you doing a well-researched interview. Yeah. You'd probably fall asleep, dude.

I just can't imagine the back and forth that that would elicit. Yeah. I mean, what I think about a lot, to be honest, I mean, just think about it this way, dude. Say tomorrow you wake up and you're gifted with all the answers. Like you know how 9-11 was, you know the truth about 9-11. 28 pages unredacted. Yep.

You know everything about the CIA, you know how jfk was shot and you know all this information what are you gonna do with it man not a you're gonna go to the fucking police station be like hey i know the da vinci code it's like who gives a show that's what i always said to my flat earther friend yeah i was like i just can't imagine a world where it would just change anything about my life to find out that this was flat it's like so be it if it is great who cares i mean at the end of the day man like people just want to talk about especially like for me when it comes to podcasts like people just want to talk about shit that doesn't even make sense no you know just to lighten the mood a little bit yeah you know just to remind everyone we don't even

know why we're here dude no we No, we just have vague interest. But I appreciate you for coming, man. Seriously. Thanks for having me, man. Honestly, dude, this is like a make-a-wish for me, dude. So just remember that, man. I will forever. Yeah.

Thank you, dog. No problem, dude. Yeah. You have any like, well, first, like your Instagram, obviously. Yeah. At I am Mike Cannon. All social media, anywhere you dabble. I'm there. Yeah.

Um, when is this coming out? Uh, next Monday. I am filming a special April 6th. It is, uh, in Stanford,

Connecticut, right outside of New York city. It's between New York and where I live in Rockland. So that's why I did it. Um, it's at New York comedy club in Stanford. The tickets are almost sold out. Chris DiStefano is producing my special.

Very excited. And yeah, get tickets to that at mikecannoncomedy.com and Chrissy Chaos. I'm the host of that now. Hell yeah, dude. Thank you. Appreciate you. Fuck yeah.