The Johnny Salami Podcast - Mike Figs

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Mike Figs by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Imagine if there was a dude imagine if there was an intro, I mean like a wicked emotional one too Is that your uncle who the fuck is that guy just start crying i haven't seen you in a while dude you know i feel like we've been trying to do this for we have i've been sending you messages every day dude you have and i've been i've been a flake

i've been i've been i've been in these streets man you know You don't live in the Bronx anymore? No I live in the Bronx We're live we're doing this Oh cool amazing love it Welcome everybody Yeah I live in the Bronx I live in the Bronx man And it's always nice to get out

You know Which was why when I saw that It was going to be a journey to come here I said you know what Let me fucking pop a couple Miller Lights And let's be a journey to come here i said you know what let me fucking pop a couple miller lights and let's take this journey to queens yeah it's different man i've come i've been i go to queens to see my my aunt-in-law and she uh she lives in forest hills and have you ever been to forest hills uh no dude i've looked it up on Wikipedia, though, dude.

And I'm not going to lie, man. It looks legit. It looks legit. I didn't know there was forest there, bro. Bruh. I didn't put the pieces together. Bruh. J. Cole, man. A lot of parks and shit.

Huh? They got J. Cole out there. They got J. Cole. J. Cole has a song. He lives in the woods? Bruh. Why do you think that's where he retreated after all this fucking Retreat out there? Yeah bro, J. Cole's a big pussy

Damn it, so that's like a retreat area For like New Yorkers Yeah, that's where you go when you've had enough You go down to Forest Hills But that's the only place I've been to And I've never been down here And yeah man, saw my first trans boy Which was cool

He was on the N though he was on the end train and i was like wow this girl's got a fat ass and then he turned around and it was a young boy they'll get you man and i said oh shit i almost pulled a spacey dude yeah you know there's no shame in doing that i almost went full spacey i Spacey. I mean, this kid's ass, he had a fat ass. I thought it was like an Asian woman coming out of college or something. Like long hair, backpack. Like you could tell Asians from the back, right? Yeah, for sure.

So they had a backpack and cargo pants, but the ass was protruding out of the cargo pants. You have to have a fat ass if you can see it through cargo pants. Oh, yeah. Right? So then he turns around, and it was like a young dude. You remember that movie Jungle to Jungle with Tim Allen? I've seen the porno. It's different.

This is a Disney movie. i'm talking about disney movie is it critically acclaimed yeah yeah dude it was right after tim allen was fucking was racking up coke charges you know tim allen got in trouble for coke tim allen the dude from fucking working on the night shift or whatever that's called yeah what was that show he's on home improvement home improvement yeah you didn't you didn't know that he had a coke problem during that or after no way before that before he was popular he sold coke so this is when he was filming the christmas movies no this is way before before buzz lightyear before all that shit he looked like yosemite sam he had a big mustache and long hair. Damn.

And he was probably like, maybe like 24. And he's got a mugshot. He was peddling like fucking kilos of coke. Holy shit. Yeah, he was a wild boy. And then he found God, dude. That's what happened? You find God.

I think he went to Forest Hills, actually. And then he came back And was like let's make a Let's make a fucking story About a gay space cadet And let's call it Toy Story What a legend dude Fucking legend dude He's got some bangers dude

He's got a lot of bangers Timmy Big Timmy The Christmas movies dude Buzz Lightyear Christmas movies Jungle to Jungle He does look a little racist though he looks really you know what i mean he's got that look where it's like he's got that kramer look where you're like dude this guy could snap he can't he can't he just

calls the guy with the french the n-word because he's tired show your face you dirtbag uh dude i'm gonna be honest man like i would always hear the kramer reference yeah and i was like yeah i bet it's not that bad like because i never saw the video and like legit maybe two weeks ago i watched the video i was like dude how is this how is this online yeah it was wild dude i was like holy shit man they weren't lying dude he he went bananas yeah no pun intended he fucking bro the amount of forgiveness he got too was i was like dude this guy is i mean full-blown racist like this guy should be on shutter island you know what i mean like yeah seinfeld was good and shit but like holy holy shit yeah he went he went off man people

were like really forgiving dude i mean yes and no i mean when he did one show. I mean, he doesn't do shit. Yeah. You know? He doesn't do shit. He kind of got excommunicated pretty fast. It was funny because they were like, yeah, Kramer would always get mad when his partners were just fucking around. Like, you know, sometimes you laugh during bits and shit. Yeah. Like, he would get mad at that.

You know what I mean? He's a fucking psycho. They're all autistic. All these fucking comics, they all have problems. You know? So, like, now that I actually think about it, I'm like, yeah, I'm sure Kramer fucking, all these guys are nuts. Everybody's mentally handicapped. Oh, yeah.

All the good ones, at least. I feel like you have to be, dude. If you want to be a good one, you got to have a problem. Which is why I know that the ceiling of my career is opening up for Creed. If I could open up for Creed. Oh, shit. If I can just go on fucking the rock stage and talk about some girl's tits, make fun of a guy's cock, and then introduce Creed. Good.

I'm done. I'm happy. Yeah. I mean, after that, you might as well just kill yourself. Just take the air fryer in the bathtub and just throw it in there. Just drop an N-bomb and then blow your head off. One quick N-bomb, introduce Disturbed, and then fucking, and that's it. Was Creed at Woodstock?

I don't know. No, Creed wasn't at the, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I think I broke the chair. Just an Amazon chair, dude. Oh, fuck. Something happened. My arm went through.

You could shit in that. Is this ply? That's been like that for a while. That happened like the first day. Really? Yeah. I like dug my elbow into it and it just submerged. I was like, well, it's Amazon, dude.

All right. I'll take it. I'll take that. People think these are like thousand dollar shares. I thought it was too. And then I sat down and literally my back is in the other apartment. Dude, one dude came on like blitzed off his ass. Yeah.

And he was like, yeah, man, I'm looking for chairs like this. I'm like, you can get them on Amazon for like 50 bucks yeah and he was like yeah man i'm looking for chairs like this i'm like you can get on that on amazon for like 50 bucks and he was like dude no show me the link yeah were they at uh no no no no creed those are rock yeah that's kid rock limb biscuit then they had that that dumb fucking that dumb fucking girl with the chipped tooth came out. You know that girl that broad with the fucking tooth? Jewel. Yeah. You know Jewel?

I heard she struggled at Woodstock. She struggled. You saw the documentary. Yeah. That was a good documentary. Yeah, they kind of like, I don't know, man. I watch documentaries, but I kind of lean the opposite way every time. You know what I'm saying?

They're cool and all, but they try to make it so one-sided i see what you're saying they were like oh they trashed the place and like it's like dude you fucking like there was no bathrooms yeah you know what i mean like these are animals in general bro like yeah people are gonna shit where they want to shit dude yeah you fucked up yeah you should have known what you were getting into you should have knew the amount of white power that was gonna be there I like sites where people can comment who actually were there. Yeah, so I looked at like that shit, dude It was so fucking funny. It was like dudes who were like, yeah, I took my son. We had the fucking best time For the rest of our lives, dude, nobody died right?? I don't know. There might have been a few casualties.

Maybe a couple. Maybe like a few heat strokes. Yeah, probably. From chicks who got like fucking finger banged. Yeah. But they were probably on Molly. Yeah. All fucked, hopped up on fucking ketamine.

Yeah. I mean, if you go to that, man, you gotta. It's it. It's war. You know what I mean? It's just survival of the fittest, dude. You can't just. You know?

It's not a Lenny Kravitz concert. But yeah, so Jewel, who was... Jewel fucked up. I think Red Hot Chili Peppers. Did they perform? I feel like I saw Flea with his cock out. Yeah. So Flea was swinging his cock.

You know what I watch all the time is Fast Car, the live performance. You've got to watch Fast Car. Have you seen that Wembley dude? No. Oh, dude. I think like the main, I think it was, who's the blind dude? The blind can, Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder.

So I guess he couldn't make it. Uh-huh. So Tracy Chapman, dude, had to open up. Okay. So she's already like shitting her pants. Yeah. She goes out there. Dude, Wembley, they're looking for fucking war, dude. You know what I mean?

It would have been like Woodstock, really. Yeah. And she just fucking massaged everyone's dick. That's how you got to do it. I wasn't a fan of hers until I saw her recently perform at the Grammys. Yeah. I do. It's happy pride.

I do every now and then watch award shows, which is pretty gay. But I was watching the Grammys with my lady, and I was like, who the fuck is this? I was like,

who's this bitch? And then she comes out, and she starts, here by the hair, ha, and I was like, I remember that song, and she sounded incredible.

And I think she was with Chris Stapleton or some other honky, and it was beautiful. And I was like, with Chris Stapleton or some other honky. Yeah. And it was beautiful. And I was like, oh, that is real talent. I was like, this girl could fucking sing. I was like, that's awesome. Yeah.

I mean, she's old now, too. So you don't even see. I can only imagine. I can only imagine. Because she was great. You'd still tap that, though, right? Yeah. Of course.

That's legendary puss. Yeah. You know, you got to tap. Even though I'm pretty sure she's a bulldagger. You haven't seen the. You know what a bulldagger is? A bulldagger. You know what a bull tap. Even though I'm pretty sure she's a bulldagger. You haven't seen the... You know what a bull... Bulldagger. You know what a bulldagger is? It's an old term for a lesbo.

I got that tattered on my back. Let's go. Let's go, young bulldagger. That was the name of your dog. You didn't tell me. Just a piece of roast beef staple on my back, dude. You're a bad motherfucker, Johnny Salami. Why do you call yourself johnny salami uh just my nipples dude then you got salami salamis yeah it's a tough time of year

for me and my boys dude i've gotten called baloney tits many times really i feel yeah you got salamis dude yeah i got like dark pepperoni jaunts you a shape shifter though i am for sure i've been i've been in yeah i'm in a bad level right now this is bad they shape shifts though oh you mean my titty shape shift yeah what do you mean like a bouncing I am for sure. I've been, I've been, yeah, I'm in a bad level right now. This is bad. They shape shifts though? Oh, you mean my titties shape shift? Yeah. What do you mean?

Like a bouncing? Like my, like do my titties. We're both flexing our tits right now. No, just the nips though. Dude, they morph with the temperature. Oh, they go inside? If it's cold, then they'll get small. But if it's like during the summer, dude, they pop out. Whoa.

You know that song, Pop Out? Oh, like Puffy's. Little Puffy's? Yeah, they expand. Damn. Completely like female oriented Yeah, they expand. Damn. Completely like female-oriented tits, bro. Damn. Yeah, I was blessed, bro, by the gods, man.

Yeah, I don't know about that. So what do you do when you go to a pool? Were you a shirt guy? You were fine when I first met you. Yeah, I was probably... When I first saw you maybe like a year ago on the Lead Fur Podcast, you were... I was probably struggling. You were a little chunky.

You were wearing like a couple... Yeah, in the winter, I'll usually gain much weight. I can lose weight pretty easily. But now you're like deadlifting. Trying to diet now, dude. I fucking blacked out at a wedding like a week ago. Really?

Just ate. Dude, I ate like two McChickens the morning after. Large fry, dude. I'm still recovering, man. I can't even, you know. McChickens are... McChickens are...

Oh, yeah, dude. Especially the morning after they sell them in those put so much mayonnaise on them too dude it's the best it's the best there's something about

that mayo and the little lettuce yeah you ever have like a McGangbang dude no what is that that was when you put a burger in that bitch yeah dude you ever see the guys

put chocolate chip cookies in them no double cheeseburger McDouble but you throw a little chocolate chip and it becomes like a McGriddle

wow that's fucking next level shit, dude. That is next level. Yeah, you should watch Tracy Chapman live, dude. Eat a McGangbang, dude. That'd be fucking sick. You gotta watch the... I'll send you the video, dude.

Please do. No homo, dude. Is Wembley... Wembley is a baseball park, I'm assuming. Because I don't know. Or is Wembley like one of those London venues? No, I think Wembley's in London. Oh, okay. It's like a tennis fucking... Yes. Is it? It's gotta be. Yeah, Wembley like one of those London venues? No, I think Wembley's in London. It's like a tennis fucking...

Yes. Is it? It's got to be. Yeah, Wembley, yeah. Okay. It's where like fucking... What's her name? Maria Sharapova.

You know that bitch, dude? I'm pretty sure I've wanked it to her a couple times. Oh, dude. She makes like orgasm sounds during her matches. Oh, yeah. She's like, uh? Oh, yeah. That's the best.

Yeah. I was jerking off to her at like 17, dude. Good job. Like tuning into the tennis games. Good for you. Yeah. That's, that's, that's. I used to jerk off to music videos.

Really? I never, I never. Yeah. Ranking it to tennis. That's. What type of like music? Are you walking? Like, why are you watching the music awards?

No, I wasn't. No, I would watch like BET. I know. But you said like you're gay sometimes. Sometimes I'm gay. Yeah. Like, what are you watching those for gay sometimes. Sometimes I'm gay. Yeah. What are you watching those for, just for entertainment and shit? The music awards?

Yeah. Yeah, my girl likes it. My girl's Dominican, so they get excited with it. They think that if they cheer at the TV, that it's going to change the vote. So it'll be like, nominated for best hip-hop album, Drake. And my girl's like, I love Drake. I love him. Go, Drake.

And I'm'm like the fuck shut up damn what do i do because she's hot what are dominican bitches like i'm not calling your girl bitch she's bitch uh yeah dominican dominican bitches are you have two types you have two types you have the ones that are are right out of right out of the movie encanto. Have you ever seen the movie Encanto? Have you ever seen the movie with the little kid that goes, You tiki-tiki, pollo loco. You know, Kimigae. Seen a little Mexican boy.

It's a cute movie. It's another porno I've seen, but I haven't seen the movie, dude. So there's two types of Dominican girls. There's ones that will listen to you, and then there's ones that don't shut up. The ones that will listen to you are like classic, hold down the fort, loyal, crazy bitches.

But they're loyal and they respect you. As long as you are the man and you're the provider, they're totally cool with, I clean, I cook, I suck. I'll suck you, I'll feed feed you and i'll clean for you yeah as long as you provide and hold it and hold it hold me down yeah you're the protector when we're out in these streets i know you got my back i'm not taking the

train you better pay for the uber we better take the metro north okay that's the one side We better take the Metro North. Okay? That's the one side. The other side is the loud, aggressive, crazy bitch that she will kill you in your sleep. And you got to be careful with those because those are the hottest ones. Yeah. And they will fucking kill you. Similar to like Puerto Ricans?

Similar to Puerto Ricans, bro. That's what I noticed about Queens over here. There's not a lot of Puerto Ricans. It was very like Mexican. Dude, when I moved here, everyone was like, dude, there's what I noticed about Queens over here. There's not a lot of Puerto Ricans. It was very Mexican. Dude, when I moved here, everyone was like, dude, there's mad Latinas. Mad Latinas. But they're all... I was telling you before, you got the National Geographic Latinas over here.

I've seen the big, small eyes and big noses. You know that little water bear, the microscopic bear that they found inside of atoms? They called it a water bear. You ever seen those? No. It's a little tiny thing atoms they called it a water bear you ever seen those no it's a little tiny thing it's called a water bear and they have little tiny eyes and big noses and that's what the latinas around here look like shit yeah they look like indigenous latinas fuck man they're always eating like corn and stuff over here yeah yeah i never know like uh because you're like pretty like well cultured i'm half and half i'm italian puerto rican yeah

but you're like well cultured like you can look'm half and half. I'm Italian and Puerto Rican. Yeah, but you're well-cultured. You can look at someone and be like, oh, I know what that dude's about. Asian people, I can tell them from the back. Yeah. I just look at their shoes. If they're wearing New Balances, I'm like, that's it. That's it. That's an Asian right there. Wide feet or Asians, yeah.

Yeah. True. Very true. As far as like, dude, there's a lot of mixed people around here. How do you know? Smell. Really? You can smell.

I can smell them you know so it's like an indian person you just like oh it smells like gooch gooch big time yeah you got the rare indians over here i noticed a couple indians with the orange beards those are rare ones yeah those are the elite those are like the oil rig type dudes yeah yeah those are the those are the elite ones it's very i was very. Queens, it's a different atmosphere over here. You got the indigenous Latinos. You got a lot of gays. And you got some pretty tight chicks.

I kind of like it, man. I kind of like it, too. I kind of like it, too. The Bronx has a lot of Puerto Rican and blacks. You go to Manhattan, dude. There's just titties everywhere, bro. But here, you might see a retarded Puerto Rican dude. And then five seconds later, you see the hottest chick you've ever seen in your life the hottest tennis

plane looking yeah anaconda culvert looking at a lot of them don't even speak English too which is like another plus big time you know taking one of these cute little restaurants nice places over here bro if you walk down the strip dude yeah that's where the titties are too dude I'm telling you I was I got on the 7 train. Everybody looked like they got out of Home Depot. I was like, where the fuck am I going? Everybody looked, you know, Mexicans with tattoos are the scariest. For real?

Yeah. I like a calm Mexican guy serving me bread. That's the type of Mexican guy I feel bad. I give him extra tip. I like that. Mexicans with the tattoos, I start getting nervous venezuelan with the tattoos you know because then you start like a cartel sign kind of yeah i don't like mexicans with tattoos bro and that whole severed train was just packed with guys wearing hard hats tattooed mexicans

i was very nervous yeah it's crazy when people like um like talk shit to each other and like talk shit like if somebody talks shit to me around me around here, I'd just go along with it. I'm not going to say anything back. You got it. You're going to be out of here soon. Some dude called me a pussy with my dog. He just called me a pussy. And I was like, dude, I sit when I pee.

You got to out crazy crazy. Oh, yeah. Out crazy crazy. It ain't working. You don't know which one of these guys just finished eating a little street corn and got that pick right in his hand and he just fucking jab your dog imagine that what would you do what would you do vj so i feel like you and me are the same i feel like if he hit you if somebody did something to you you'd fucking i brush it off but what if one of these what if one of these little indigenous mexicanos stabbed your dog what would you do

touchy subject dude because i think about it all the time i know i know you know i'm fucking gardening with my life i know you know what i mean that's your boy i'd go next level shit we're talking like dude i'd fucking launch an rpg at my own apartment dude just to send a message fucking kill my roommate dude yeah i'd be like dude that's just the fucking beginning so he's still he's still got the bloody knife in his hand and you're over here and you're over here gatling gun your family you're killing your family just so he knows oh yeah dude yeah dude he'd fucking i have a he'd stab me in the neck and i would just keep going i wouldn't even feel it i wouldn't even feel it yeah i'd go dude i get in the trunk take out an

rpg just start blind firing at random people dude unlimited unlimited rpg yeah i would there would be no way for me to control my emotions yeah yeah i mean yeah it's fucked because like i could just get another english bulldog you know they're all the same true they're all the same dude they're all they all have you know but i would just have like severe ptsd yeah bro you know what's crazy when i first got bob bro he's wicked small dude I'm out in the yard with him, dude. And my neighbor comes up to me. I've never talked to this guy in my life. He goes, hey, keep that thing away from my brother.

And I'm like, what? I'm like, my bad, dude. Like, you're just taking a piss. And he's like, no, dude. Like, my brother used to have one, and it passed away. Like, if he sees your dog, he'll break down. And I was like, damn, damn dude that's deep that is pretty deep that guy is probably fucked up man yeah like he's just you know like you don't really see him

often like it's a rare thing to see like an ash bulldog but when that guy does see him you know it's like having a girlfriend who passed away dude you know you just see something that reminds you of her how did he lose the dog i don't't know. I didn't ask, dude. I'm like, dude, what happened? He's like, bro, we used to have an RPG, but he fucking went with that. He blind fired all over. That guy probably fucking killed it, honestly, man. That guy's tapped, bro.

He seemed a little out there? Yeah, he's one of those dudes that kind of like chills in his garage and just watches people go by. Yeah, no good. He's just waiting for a dude you know we got to get rid of these people yeah we gotta there's certain red flags that just like you know oh if my brother sees your dog he's gonna go crazy all right let's get your brother out of here let's let's let's how do we get rid of them dude i think it's uh you think it's like a mob mentality that

just like they're like indigenous fucking you know what i mean like a mob mentality that just like, they're like indigenous fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like the mob is basically like indigenous now. Yeah. You know, like you can't. They're very low key. They're very low key right now, but they're there. But they don't do the shit they used to do. I feel like it's got to be more like cartel now.

Like cartels for sure. Those are the loud ones. Cartel is what you see. The cartel is the one like fucking, you know, they're out there. It's the first thing you think of. It's on everyone's radar. Mafia is is very low key but they still run around they still got a couple hit man but i feel like the cartel is bigger because they they're way bigger because they help the government you know i mean of course without the the cartel the government would be

nothing of course that's why drugs aren't aren't legal yet that's why they haven't made some drugs like you know in other countries they've made drugs legal so they don't have to rely on that shit but we like fucking we like having it they're fucking but like these mob dudes who are like yeah i'll stab you in the fucking dick at a diner it's like dude those days are over man you can't fucking stab someone at an ihop those guys are fake yeah the guys that are real are all about gambling and gambling is probably the number one thing that has the mob still kind of there's a lot of bookies there's a lot of shit like that yeah in my neighborhood there's a there's a lot of social clubs you know yeah and in there it's like illegal slot machines and stuff yeah and if you don't come with your money like you're getting killed i mean if you come there and i

mean don't waste your time yeah if you don't pay your bookie like oh if you don't pay oh yeah you don't but no they'll probably break your legs. I don't think they'll kill you. They'll break your legs. They won't kill you. They'll kill you if you really do some sick shit. You've got to rape one of their daughters or something. They won't kill you because you owe them 10 grand.

But they'll break your fucking legs. Damn, dude. Yeah. My grandmother worked in a private doctor's office. And there was a guy that would come in all the time, and he had no insurance, nothing. He would wear Reeboks and, like, gray sweatpants. And now that I say it, I'm like, was my grandma looking at this guy's cock? Gray sweatpants, like, you know, regular shirt, you know, and he would always get checked to the doctor, and the doctor would always do it for free.

The doctor would go, listen, he comes in, you just don't want to just send him to my office. So then one day the guy, after like years of knowing my grandma, he goes, hey, listen, he goes, if you ever need anything, he goes, you let me know. He goes, if anybody hurts your children or anything, you let me know. And he walks away. And so my grandma goes to the doctor and she's like, what was that about? And he goes, oh, he's a hitman. He's a killer.

Damn. He's a killer. And if anything, if you ever need him in emergency if somebody hurt when he had granddaughters or something you just let him know he owes me so much and he loves you so much just how sweet you've been to him he'll kill a man for you with no problem wow yeah so that's kind of beautiful though that's amazing that's what it should be that's that's what it should be you should always you should have a friend that will kill somebody for you.

That's a real friend. Yeah. Just to have that in your pocket. Like, you know, don't fuck with me because I know a guy in gray sweatpants who will fucking kill you. Yeah. I mean, that doesn't even exist anymore, dude. Like, friendship like that? No.

You know what I mean? Of course not. Now it's all, you know, now it's... Just fake, dude. It's all fake. It's all fake. Everybody's... Ah, man. Everybody's fucking... I just had to go to my best friend's wedding, dude. Yeah.

This is like a dude I grew up with, you know, like we went to war together. Yeah. And like we didn't really talk much in college or whatever, but we lived together like three years ago and you like invited me to the wedding and I was like, yeah, sure. So I just take like a fucking shitty like breeze airline plane down there. Spirit. But dude, breeze is like basically like it's called breeze, bro. It's like it's like spirit, dude.

I sat next to the wing. I was like, this thing's going down. You know what I mean? But dude, I spent like all week like buying shit for the wet, like to get ready and shit. And I go there. It was in like south carolina dude so i like get off the plane get some food whatever and like uh you had to take a trolley like it the trolley took everyone to the wedding which was on like an island like a private island and shit like this is like this is like shit yeah this is like a fucking huge you know that's that's white money right there right beautiful white people and uh

huge you know that's that's white money right there right beautiful white people and uh yeah i'm literally on the trolley like by myself dude and i showed yeah nice fucking i got a bow tie from like macy's dude for like 70 bucks could have just not worn one you know but i found out when it's too late but yeah man i went to the fucking the ceremony sat down. I knew, like, two dudes. Okay. But, yeah, man, so they, like, my fucking, the brides, what are they called? It was, like, the groom's side who came down first. Oh, so they come down together, right? Like, they latched arms and shit. And I'm like, yeah, like, I'm not in the wedding party, dude.

You know, I thought this was my best. Like, dude, I'm not, like, a best man. I'm not in the fucking party at all, dude. I'm just, dude. So in my head, I'm like, I wonder how many dudes are in this, you know i thought this was my best like dude i'm not like a best man i'm not in the fucking the party at all dude i'm just what dude uh so in my head i'm like i wonder how many dudes are in this you know yeah like how many groomsmen bro there's like legit 13 i'm just watching each and every one of them go down i'm like fuck dude it was you know and i'm like dude just stay calm man like you know yeah just thinking about all our childhood memories together. Damn, dude. Sometimes you get gay for your best buddies. Yeah, but then the ceremony started, and it started getting emotional, dude.

They were doing their vows and stuff. And in my head, dude, legit out of my control, bro, I was like, dude, it would be so fucking funny if you scream penis right now. And that's when I was like, oh, that's why I'm not up there. Like, I almost guarantee, like, his wife or whatever was like, I can't have him up there. Can't have Johnny Salami. He cannot be part of it. It was crazy. So he picked her over you.

Probably. I mean, yeah. Think about it. If I had to put, like, gambling money on it, I it i guarantee she was like i'm not having him yeah i mean like he's alive you just holding him peanut you're on the trolley and you're like i'm gonna scream out pain like penis is just in the back of your head you got that equipped as your first emo and you're just there on the trolley man damn yeah what'd you eat what kind kind of food? Everything, huh? At the wedding?

Yeah. Oh, they had like, I mean, dude, this is probably the nicest wedding I'll ever be to in my life. Like, dude, this is on like,

this is on like Seabrook Island in South Carolina, dude. Sounds amazing. I don't even know where it is. I don't think the public, I don't think the public's allowed there. I've never even heard of it, but it's Seabrook.

When we said Seabrook, I'm like, ah. Yeah, right by the water, dude. Ugh. And, uh. It's the best. White people just know how to do everything perfectly, dude. It's just the best.

But I started to think about it and like, I don't know, man. I feel like I used to like blame myself for shit. I mean, other people for shit. And now I'm just like, oh, it kind of makes sense, man. Like I went to this, it's Jewish, you know? Shut up. It's all right, man. It's okay.

But so like, dude, when we were younger, I younger i went to i invited to his bar mitzvah nice again wasn't invited in the limo or anything bro but dude they had a dude they had two dudes no joke sit next to me during the bar mitzvah to make sure that i didn't make him laugh because he had the dude he had to sing shit in hebrew and stuff he had to hit the baruch atai out of the way he has to sing all of his fucking psalms, whatever they're called, bro. And they were like, they literally had two dudes make sure. Two Jewish dudes like, don't salami, don't do it. Yeah.

Wait, you had, there were two Jewish guards? No, they weren't Jewish. These were like. Goyles? These were just mature dudes who were like. Just mature guys. Yeah, dude. Did they have the fucking curls?

I was in middle school They might have been Jews and you had no idea Did they have the fucking bungee curls? I can't remember dude Top hats? I was good though Foreskin coming out of their mouth? They definitely weren't Jewish If they were Jewish I would have made them laugh

Okay Making my day Jewish, I would have made him laugh. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Make my day. Yeah. Jewish guys are the coolest, though. I've never met a Jewish guy that I didn't like. For real? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I've never met a Jewish. Every Jewish guy I've met has been pretty cool. But then again, I've only been like, well, that I've met and communicated with. I knew the second you said that, you're lying, dude. No, no, no, no, no. There's Jews that I see and I go, and that are rude. The Hasidic Jews are kind of rude in New York.

They'll bump you. They'll spit on the ground. You know, the kids will fucking run over and go, are you Jewish? And then if you go, no, they like. You ever get approached by the kids with the donuts no i've heard about it dude dude the only i literally have never like i said i'm not like cultured or anything bro so like i literally just drove into williamsburg one day and just saw and i was like dude am i fucking stoned right now you know what i mean it's a wild thing to see and be like what's going on yeah you know what i mean yeah yeah well what did you do did you see them in you got to explain this to me because only

the only did you see him in past the only reason i didn't have an anxiety attack was because of the whole thing that was going on with the tunnels dude yeah that was i went into williamsburg when the whole tunnel thing was going on and i was like oh this is this is what's going down okay it wasn't about the time like if I didn't know about the tunnels, I would have been like, dude, I got to turn around. Something's going on here. That's like going into Amish country and just being like, yeah, what the fuck is going on, dude?

You know what I mean? Damn. Damn, that's wild. You ever go to the American mall? The big, huge, gigantic mall in Jersey? You just flex your titty? No. No?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. Natural, dude. It's pretty good. It's pretty jacked. There's a chick coming up. That's fine. Who's that?

Is that your girlfriend? No. There's a chick out the window. Really? Is she all of ours? There was a girl I saw her name. I'll leave it at that. Maybe we should cut that out.

Sorry. Is she looking? No, no, no. She walked by. She just walked by, but she looked. I was going to say, dude, I told her to come. I'm like, her to come like no i'm just kidding yeah yeah it's probably my neighbor dude nice yeah hot neighbor well i told you to specifically come to this apartment dude because like no because people have been going next door and they're like yo is johnny here and my neighbors are like what Okay, Johnny, what do you want? A fucking American mall, man.

The Hasidic Jews, they flock there. I don't know why. There's a lot of Hasidic Jews. I thought the Jews were coming. There are a lot of Hasidic Jews in Jersey. You start throwing cash on the ground? I just fucking do whatever I can. This is worth five cents.

Just throw the fucking bottle. Take my tiers? Yeah, I mean, hey, you know, as a New Yorker, you just love and hate everybody. That's to be honest. There's so many clips of me saying horrible shit, but then there's so many. But in the same sentence sentence i'll say something nice that's kind of like an italian thing though we'll compliment you and say something horrible like my uncles used to do that to me yeah so i'm half italian half puerto rican but i was raised italian

really so i look puerto rican especially when i'm fat but i everything in my head is italian it's fucking non-stop fucking italian in my head and my uncles would be like You fucking you know You know for a half breed Mutt Spick We like you That's what they would say to me And I'd be like oh wow It would feel amazing

How are you So you're half and half Half and half So like one side's your My dad is Puerto Rican And he's the only Puerto Rican I know Wow And all the rest of his brothers and sisters

Were all scattered all over the place He made love to an Italian woman He made love to an Italian woman? He made love to an Italian woman, my mama. Yeah. And I was raised with her family. Wow. So the whole time I thought I was Italian. And then I started waiting tables in Times Square,

and white people would say gracias to me when I would drop off the biscuits. I would drop off the biscuits at Red Lobster, and they would go, gracias. And I'd be like, oh, shit, I I'd be like oh shit I'm a Mexican dude I'm a Mexican I'm a handsome Mexican That's pretty sick man Overall I'm a handsome Mexican That's overall like if we're just being on paper I'm a handsome Mexican

So like the ones you fear most you are That's why you fear them dude cause they're your own But I won't get a tattoo though Cause I know I don't want to be you know But I really I will I kind of do, you know. But I really will. I kind of do want a tattoo, though. But, yeah. No, the Mexicans are wild, man.

The Mexicans are wild. I live next to Mexicans there. And Mexicans are the Irish or Latinos. Because they'll drink, man. And they can fight. Yeah. They can fight in, like, a photo booth, too. Yeah, dude.

They'll fuck you up. Yeah. They'll fuck you up. But, dude, so you lived in, like, the Bronx your whole life? Whole life. up But dude So you lived in like the Bronx Your whole life Whole life Damn dude I lived in Manhattan for a little bit

With my ex-girlfriend Who was Jewish Crazy right Adds up Didn't expect that Adds up yep But she was a She was a

She was a cool Jew You know She didn't wear any little hats You know Yeah She made pastries And she And she sucked my dick

So Not even just like A New York City dude But like Dude You know? Yeah. She made pastries and she sucked my dick. Not even just, like, New York City dude, but, like, dude, people, like, overgeneralize everything. So, like, if they have, like, a bad experience with one person, they're like, dude, fuck, kill them all, dude. Of course. It's crazy, bro. It's crazy. Like, you can't, like, dude, if you're like me, dude, and you're like, yeah, everyone's different.

Like, some people suck. Some people are cool. Like, people freak the fuck out around here. They're like, dude't think that way i'm like why not and they're just like it's just not how it works oh you have to you have because everything is like no this group is over here yeah that group's over there and it's like no dude there's like people who aren't crazy in the middle who just kind of like look at everything you know yeah yeah and and isn't and then that's that. And that's a good thing, you know? And I think there's a lot of people who are like that, you know? Yeah.

And there's nothing wrong with that. And that's kind of how we all feel. But to blend in, you got to be the guy that you sit. You got to be the one that goes, I don't know. I feel like we just all pander. Depending on who you're with, you just kind of pander. If I'm with a bunch of racist Italians, I'm saying the most horrible things. But then if I'm with a guy like you where you're like, peace, love, and everybody, I'm like, yeah, I agree with you.

Oh, no, not at all, dude. I'll blow up a fucking church, dude. This is a good time for a sponsor. Do you have any sponsors? Sponsored by Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes. No, dude, I'm not like, I think most people do suck. But I would never overgeneralize a whole group of people.

Yeah, now that's great. You know what I mean? It's also just super uncomfortable. Of course. You know? You play around, and there's context to everything, man. I've been in restaurants my whole life, which is why I come off like I hate everybody. As you should, man.

Yeah, you just deal with people all day. But the truth is, if you're cool, I like you. And I have friends that are all different types of fucking shit. Most cool people aren't really at restaurants, though. 100%. Most people, they're not at a fucking Walmart, either. 100%. If you go into a Walmart, dude, and then you go out to eat, you're going to want to cause a genocide, dude.

100%. You know what I mean? 100%. But if you go to the park or some shit, man, some normal places, bro, you're going to be like, this is what we live for, dude. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I agree. You go to a park, you get some ice cream.

Simple. You take the ice cream, you take the food, and you eat in your house. Yeah, the parks are the shit, dude. Parks are really nice. It calms you down for a moment. It's kind of gay at first, dude. Like, you're like, this is fucking gay. And then you go, and you're like, dude, this is fucking sick, bro.

You know what I mean? Especially, there's no one. You could do whatever you want in a park. Especially around here, dude. I saw a woman take a shit nice at a story at park dude nice i was playing i was shooting hoops dude oh yeah bunch of dudes were there just shooting around this lady walks up to the courts with a small child and a like another woman i think it was like her sister or something just fucking drops a load dude in front of everyone just didn't even flinch what did she

look like um dude they put a towel like around her head so like dirty muzzies you think so yeah i love what we're like dude don't over generalize that's why i did it that's why the moment you said terrible i was like yeah are they doing that shit? No. Chinese do that. That's the Chinese, dude. Chinese shit between cars. That's because they can flex. They can squat like that. Exactly.

You watch Shogun? No. Is that on Netflix? It's on Hulu. But Shogun is the Japanese. But the Asian culture, you see that there's a lot of squatting. The women back in those days, you had that there's a lot of squatting. The women, back in those days, you had to walk very slowly

in small paces. You had to. The man could walk normal, but the women had to be very... They had to walk a certain way. Their culture was very in the moment and all about tranquility and all this shit. And then you notice it. You notice when you look at Asian people, the way

they walk, you go, oh, oh fuck it's because back in the day you had to walk like that so it's like in your fucking in your jeans you see an asian girl walk they they just kind of walk in small steps yeah i always thought that was like some dune two i've been generalizing the whole podcast by the way no i know you're talking about everything you said about not generalizing i've been doing it since we fucking turned on the cameras. You do it because it's funny, though. Okay, yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah, or I'm a racist Italian. Either way. Racist Guinea. Either way, we're boys. Either way. I love everybody, but sorry to cut you off. Sorry. Yeah, but I was just going to say, like...

She took a shit in a basketball court. Well, are they walking like that to conserve space because that's what they're doing in china like there's like a population issue whoa didn't think of it like that yeah because i know like at costco bro there's asians that will literally just fucking blockade a whole aisle yeah and they just fucking they have no idea what's going on yeah but it's because uh what do you mean like with the shopping cart in asia dude like because there's so many like population issues in costco what how do they how do they well that is asia for them they just they haven't adapted so they're just like fucking

you ever go to costco dude i've recently transitioned from bj's to costco bj's is a little too good they got they got bj's around here oh well in the bronx there's a bj's oh okay bj's they really go hard on we we accept the ebt card yeah so it gets a little wild that's's when you were like, I'm out. I was like, I'm out. I was like, sorry, I really love the dino nuggets, but I'm out. Yeah, yeah. No, Costco, man.

Costco is in the middle. I hear Sam's Club is like a little nice. Yeah. But Costco is in the middle. I don't mind Costco. The only problem with Costco. Excuse me. Sorry.

I don't mind Costco. The only problem with Costco is they don't have fresh deli meats. In BJ's, you can go, let me get a quarter pound of ham, let me get a quarter pound of honey turkey. In Costco, you can't. It's all pre-sliced. That pre-sliced shit, gelatinous, wet shit is not good. Yeah, I didn't even notice that, man. Because I don't really buy deli meats. My mom works at a market basket that's in rhode island you ever been no oh dude market

baskets like the apex of supermarkets dude oh sounds in terms of like prices and shit but like all these she works in the she works in the deli dude so she'll bring home like some good meats bro you know i'm saying roast beef dude you don't know how bad I've been craving a roast beef sandwich, man. A cold roast beef sandwich. Yeah. What type of roast beef are we talking about right now? I'm talking like boar's head roast beef. So like fat chicks?

Yeah. Yeah, like a fat lady. Like a fat sweaty lady. I can't do it. Anytime someone says roast beef, I immediately start laughing. This is why the Jews were guarding you that day at the bar mitzvah. Yeah. Oh, man.

Because a lot of Jewish terms sound like they're saying roast beef. Yeah, my mind is just programmed like it's fucked, bro. Really? Yeah. What about honey turkey? No. I don't even fuck with honey turkey, dude. Regular turkey is where it's at.

What about... No, but I'm saying what other words trigger you in the deli world? Oh. Just roast beef? What about corned beef? Hmm. I mean, roast beef is definitely number one, dude. Immediately start thinking about pussy.

I want to know exactly what you picture. I picture this girl's pussy that I made love with, dude. It was wild. She had... Looked exactly like a roast beef sandwich, dude. She had the labia just stuck out. She had a lot of extra skin on it. Yeah, because I've been with chicks who have like...

I'm going to throw up, by the way. Yeah, I think we were on a podcast once where maybe we pulled up pictures of pussies. No, but I mean, it sounds like something. I thought we were. It might have been a different one. It definitely sounds like something. I was on a podcast once. They had a chart of all the different types of like pussy, dude. Yes, I've we were. It might have been a different one. It definitely sounds like something. I was on a podcast once. They had a chart of all the different types of, like, pussy, dude.

Yes, I've seen that. And I've seen some innies, bro, for the most part. But this one chick I saw, man, holy shit, dude. It was crazy. And I didn't know that, like, the labia is actually, like, a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah. It is. It is.

It is. It is. It is definitely beautiful. My question is is how does it get to that like what is that i mean because the uh the the the folklore is that she's just been probably banged out yeah do you imagine if like some chicks just like evolved from like a fucking roast beef sandwich some sort of unknown specimen like a leftover Jersey Mike's hero Yeah Some sort of lizard just ate like a fucking Old ass fucking roast beef sandwich Today's episode of the Twilight Zone

Debra was once a sandwich And now She's a roast beef She's a fat cunt Oh fuck yeah Jennifer Coolidge plays Oh my roast beef Johnny Salami you want my labia yeah i know dude i know the fuck i mean dude you without like disclosing too much have you seen uh

some roast beef dude uh yeah yeah yeah for sure you thought you you embrace it are you kind of like i let it i let it i just My. One of my exes had a. It was the first time I've ever seen a girl have so much like excess skin. Yeah. And I just, you know, she every other part of her was so pretty. I was like, I mean, what am I going to do? Yeah. You know, I would just push that.

I would just spread that bitch. You know, spread that motherfucker. And then and then it's very beautiful. Like you said, when you spread that like really like all those that big fucking skinny flappy you spread it and it's very pretty when it's spread when it's hanging like when she's just like bending over and it looks like a you know it look that's when it sucks but when you're in there and it's spread and it's pink and beautiful you go yeah wow that's what was wow that's what was inside of this lovely book yeah Yeah, it's crazy, dude, because, like, you think you're going to, like, laugh,

and then, like, your instincts kick in. Yeah. Then you're just like, dude, you know, I'm going in. I'm going to fuck you. I'm playing that song by Lil Wayne. I'm going in. I'm going in. I'm going in.

And then you just dive right into it, dude. Dive right into it, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. You dive in. Dude, I miss, like, Planet. I got to start watching that stuff again, those,. Like Nat Geo and Planet Earth, dude. You ever see Planet Earth 2?

I thought you were going to say Lil Wayne videos. Oh, I mean those too, man. Lil Wayne is a legend. Lil Wayne, yeah. When he first was really popping hard and I don't know. Then he kind of like, he was riding skateboards and shit. Then I kind of got off out of it. Whenever they start doing that, I get like, all right, I'm done.

Yeah, I thought he was the GOAT dude. But then I found out like, dude, he doesn't even remember his own lyrics. Yeah. Well, because he would just, like, come off the dome. Like, a lot of his, according to, you know, whatever, to black people tell you. He had to, like, study his lyrics before shows, because, like, he would just forget them. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, because he's yacked out all day long. Yeah, for sure. You know? But it's like, dude, those are fucking good songs. Really good songs, man. He really has some good stuff. Yeah. But National Geographic, yeah, man are fucking good songs. Really good songs, man. He really has some good stuff. Yeah.

But National Geographic, yeah, man, I never really got into it. I mean, I definitely, I remember I went to a Catholic school, and I remember, like, me and my boys, like, sifting through, like, all right, we got to get to these titties. And then you'd find the titties, and it'd be like, shh, don't fucking say anything, but there's titties in this one. And it'd be like, yo, those are fucking titties. Wait, you had titties in that Geo books?

Yeah. When they would have, like, the indigenous, when the people of Queens were in, when they had, like, the indigenous, like, Mexicans, or they had the indigenous, like, American Indian people. I don't know what you're supposed to call them. I'm just going to say the Redskins. When you would go through the baseball MLB. No. But then mainly it was the African girls with the fucking gold necklaces. And they would just have their titties out.

I think we went to different schools. You don't remember National Geographic magazine having the titties in it? I don't think I ever read a... Oh, it was a magazine? It was a magazine. Oh, maybe, dude. I'm older than you. I'm thinking of a textbook.

How old are you? 28. Oh, yeah. I'm older than you. I'm thinking of a textbook. How old are you? 28. Oh, yeah. I'm a little bit older. I'm 34. So our National Geographic, when I was in second, third grade, I wasn't horny in kindergarten. I was horny in third grade. I was horny.

Yeah. In third grade, those National Ge geographics there used to be the big yellow books and if you went to africa you were seeing tits yeah you were seeing tits african titties big old hanging titties bro like the ones you were talking about yeah in your clip about how you couldn't find a nipple it was them joining some fucking long hangers yeah but it was little bites dude yeah little raisinets raisinets. Raisinets, yeah. But, you know, gold, fucking gold necklaces. You knew that there were some gangster bitches. Man, they must have, like, fucking taken them out of my school, dude.

You think so? I remember watching, like, fucking Blood Diamond and seeing, like, African titties, bro. How'd that make you feel? It was fucking sick. You saw Blood Diamond when you were in the third grade? Just AK-47s going off. Dude, I mean... You sold Blood Diamond when you were in the third grade? Just AK-47s going off. Dude, I mean... Chicks running like four 340s.

Oh, my God. Speaking of that, when I was young, I mean, my dad showed me RoboCop. Did you ever watch RoboCop with your dad? That must have been an old movie, right? You remember RoboCop? No. Wow, dude. You don ever watch Robocop with your dad? That must have been an old movie, right? You remember Robocop? No. Wow, dude. You don't remember Robocop?

He was a big... And he had the gun that came out of his fucking... He had a gun that came out of his thigh. And this girl was getting raped. And he shot her through her skirt and blew the guy's cock off. No. This was like 1980 badass shit. This is Robocop.

You know Terminator? Watch RoboCop. Go home and watch RoboCop. How am I going to find it? It's going to pop up on Amazon like that. For real? Yeah. It's probably on T-Move for free. It's on Pornhub, dude.

RoboCop was the shit. We watched that when we were young. My dad was like, RoboCop 3 was coming. Yeah. And we watched that when we were young. My dad was like, because RoboCop 3 was coming out. Wow. And my dad would be like, you got to watch RoboCop 1. And I was like, 7. And I definitely shouldn't watch it.

But it's the first time I saw tits. Then we watched Species. RoboCop and Species were the first time I saw tits. You remember the movie Species? It was about a shape-shifting alien that looked like a beautiful blonde girl. She would have sex with men and then kill them during sex. No, I've seen Alien vs. Predator, though. Okay, okay. It's got to be similar, right?

No, not at all. Alien vs. Predator was rated PG-13. Species was rated hard R. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Because her tits were out. And she would bang a guy, and then she would turn into the alien. But the director was like, all right, bang the guy for five minutes,

and then turn into the alien. So she'd be banging him good. The guy would be like, yeah, this is amazing. And then she'd turn into the alien. Bro, I feel like movies used to be so good. I just never saw it. I mean, I saw some of the classics, but some of the classics are just so old that I'm like, well, dude, classics are just so old that I'm like... Hit me with some. Hit me with...

Well, dude, even when I go back and I'm like, I'm going to watch a classic, in my head, I'm thinking about... I'm not thinking about Transformers, the movie, but I'm thinking about that quality of production, and then I'll watch the movie, and I'm like, dude, this is shit. Yeah. Dude, I tried watching fucking Armageddon a few months ago. Yeah, Armageddon sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. But when I saw it for the first time, I was like, I cried, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean. Yeah, Armageddon sucks. Yeah. But when I saw it for the first time, I was like, I like cried, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah, and then you watch it again. It's like Ben Affleck in that field with that hot chick and he's just got like graham crackers. Is that Pearl Harbor? Ben Affleck was in Armageddon?

I thought Ben Affleck was in Pearl Harbor. He might have been. I thought you were saying that's like the scene of Pearl Harbor. Oh, no. Just Ben Affleck with graham crackers just crossing a girl's tits.

I don't want to close my eyes. That was the first time I heard that song. That's a beautiful song. That's the best part of the movie is that song. Oh, for sure, man. I think they play it like six times, too. Yeah's the best part of the movie is that song. Oh, for sure, man. I think they play it like six times, too. Yeah, they do. But that movie was kind of like a blockbuster Hollywood bullshit.

It was good, but it was like they got all the best guys, and they said, all right, let's fucking make a crazy movie. It's got to be because I was so young. Everything just looks so good when you're young. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But Titanic, that was the first time i ever saw titties bro and those were some fucking titties bro you know what i'm saying those are i never i never watched titanic dude are you fucking i never i never got through it i was like this movie's gay oh so you tried watching it two vhs's i was like it's gay i legit cried yeah if you're emotionally invested

Dude you'll cry And honestly I think it's because you see the chick's titties I think that's why you cry You fall in love with her She becomes special to you It's gotta be like top three love movies I know it's a classic I know it's a good film

I saw something on Instagram Where they zoom out. So there's a part of the movie where there are no drones. So this was all computer generated. So there's a part of the movie where you see a camera, where you see a perspective of over the boat. And you see people walking and stuff. Now, back then, it just looked fine. But now with 4Kk it's it's it's

npcs like it's like people like it's like a fucking it's like it's like a playstation one graphics just some guy just like this like it's like what is that guy doing it was it's so it's hilarious dude you gotta see like you see leonardo capro and it like pans out and it's like a beautiful scene of the titanic and they're Titanic and there's just like still images of people. But it's all fake. But back then you couldn't enhance. So it just looked like people in the background, but it was totally fake. Oh, man.

I don't even want to think about that, dude. It was so bad. I'm coughing because of your dog. I love dogs, but I get allergic. There's got to be movies, though, that are still bangers, even considering how old they are, dude. Out for Justice, Steven Seagal. You serious right now? Dead ass.

Dude, Steven Seagal will fucking shoot someone in the tits from like three miles away with a boner. Yeah. Steven Seagal started at the perfect level of extreme. That's his first movies. He was a tall, handsome, might be Native American.

That's the word I was looking for. Might be Native American. Sorry, I have AIDS. He fucking started off and he was kicking ass, snapping necks, blasting people with shotguns, out for justice. And then there's two movies where he was like on a train. Under Siege, Under Siege 1, Under Siege 2. I think it was the one like in the, something like fucking

Antarctica or some shit. The one on the train. That's when it got a little wild. So he started off with like five good action movies and everyone was like, this guy's the man. And then he made a reggae album and his career went to shit. For real? He made a reggae album where he's like, this guy's the man. And then he made a reggae album. And his career went to shit. For real?

He made a reggae album where he's like, me love the pussy girl. Give me the pussy one time. He's like, I love that poom poom poom poonani. What? Yeah. And his career went to shit. And then he only made movies in Russia. He got fat.

He's a horrible martial artist. He shot a helicopter with a handgun in one movie he blew up the whole helicopter i think someone stabbed his dogs i just said fuck it and he blew up a helicopter and he went to shit but the first three movies out for justice under siege one under siege two gangster dude gangster kicks ass and it's you take him seriously and he's funny then he's sexy and the women love him he's the man i used to love those movies growing up i had no idea like the plot though because the plot was just kill everyone it was just like yeah it was like today's john wick dude

yeah but he would get like the one where on the train i'm pretty sure he got like fucking sniped yeah he got sniped in the chest and then just somehow lived and fucking like shoots the dude with like a bow and arrow out of his cock and you're like, dude, what the fuck's going on? He lived because he had a pair of glasses in his pocket. Come on, that's bad, man. You think you could fight Steven Seagal and win, dude? Now? Yeah.

How old is he now? Like 70 maybe? 70 is fat. It'll be a good battle. Me and him, we're both fat. He'd probably try to fucking possess you, dude. He probably will. I might be possessed with him now. When all these clips come out that I'm a racist, I'm going to say I was possessed by Seagal. Yeah.

You know? Works every time, dude. Yeah. That's all you got to do. That guy's for sure racist. Yeah. No doubt. Yeah.

He made a reggae album. Yeah. You got to look that up. You haven't heard? You got to look him up. The reggae album. I do, dude. He's like, you want the pussy? Me give you the pussy. It's like reggae album i did it he's like you want the

pussy me give me the pussy it's like a jamaican woman and she's like take the pussy make the pussy and then him he's just like i got the punani for you yeah bad how old was he in this uh that's a good question i have no idea but i know he was young i know he was young and i know that's really fucked him up fucked up his career poor seagal Yeah I always wonder like why people's careers Just kind of like plummet you know what I mean You make a mistake And you don't realize that you made the mistake You make a mistake and you double down

Sometimes you know Well even now dude they got like these documentaries about like Hollywood and shit Where they're like getting controlled and stuff And it's just like damn dude Did you see the one with Nickelodeon quiet on the set No I'm watching the one right now with uh tiktok on netflix it's like 7m productions or whatever what is it about uh it's about this cult in fucking la oh i saw it pop up okay check it out we're dancing yeah it's all right it's not really that great of a i think there's like three episodes

i'm on like number two or whatever yeah if it's not good by number two fucking north korean dude who starts a fucking cult but it's kind of it's kind of gay dude because it's like dancers and shit and it's like dude we're really talking about tiktok dancing right now yeah well yeah these people get like isolated from their families and their family like their parents go to la and try to like talk to them and they're like you know it's like nope i don't know you you know it's like what the fuck are we doing kids are idiots yeah it's really hard raising a kid you really i uh yeah man i met this chick not too long ago who's uh like a pediatrician bro she's always working with kids fucking she told me like most of the kids that check into the hospital are there because uh like their parents

isolate them from tiktok and they have withdrawals and they just start going fucking nuts dude yeah that's it yeah yeah that's the tablet shit man yeah when you wake up in the morning do you go to your phone right away no i don't think so that's good I feel I feel like you're unique In a way No I'm for sure addicted to my phone But I'm not like Not to be like

Self deprecating bro But I'm not texting anyone Yeah yeah My whole phone is just like My mom Just texting my mom That's good And like dude don't get me wrong

I want to text titties But it's just not happening You know what I mean Yeah yeah yeah So I'm just looking at like Female golf videos Bruh You know what I'm saying You saying that one girl gracie no i just followed this one chick i forgot her name the girl when she swings her tits go all over the place oh man you mind sending me that dude dude she dm'd me for real i made a clip with her for my podcast for my youtube show fig

talk dude it's gonna get you on it and it. And I was talking about her titties. I was like, those titties are tiddying. I was like, we did a whole thing. We broke it down. And so she DM'd me. She goes, those titties were tiddying, LOL. And then the DM, so I go, hey, listen, big fan. And I have a wife.

So I was really, really being careful. One side of me was like, I'm going to risk it all. one side of me was like I'm gonna risk it all one side of me was like I'll leave my whole family in an elevator and just and just press a button

so the elevator falls and just I was ready to risk it all like six Miller Lights deep yeah yeah I was like I am ready

this girl is beautiful Gracie Cherise I think her name is something like that and then the other side was me was like, be professional, let's do this right. So I said to her, I said,

LOL, you're a legend, a big fan. And then she wrote back, that was so funny, I love the show, the show was very funny, I watched that whole segment, whatever, I said, well, if you're ever in town, and then right now I'm like, well, fuck, I wrote that, if you're ever in town and then right now i'm like oh fuck i wrote that if you're ever in town and i'm like what the fuck am i gonna do i'm like shit

i'm like and you want to be on the podcast please let me know we'd love to have you on and she goes she was yeah and if you're ever in dallas or wherever she does it she goes you let me know i would love to come see see a comedy show and i go sounds good and i blocked her and deleted her what why dude why would you do that i blocked it i deleted it i did i fucking restrict i mean i think i fucking complained about her i reported her i just said fuck this bitch i was like this bitch i said this lady harassed me i don't know hey she called't know. Hey, she called me an N-word. She called me an F-word, N-word, F-word. Dude, you think she would actually ever come on the pod? I think that if the pod, I think that if I continued, I think if I continued, I was going to make a clip. And I might still.

But I think if I continued and my career got better, I think she would. Wait, so what are the videos like? She's just hitting. She is a golfer. You had to see her. I feel like my phone is charging. You have your phone next to you? Go on your Instagram, and I'll pull it up.

But she's a golfer, and all she does is golf with a tank top on. You see the whole titties. You see the whole titties. And she... Let me see. You see her whole titties. And she, let me see, let me see. I'll put on this look here. You see her titties and she knows a lot about golf, but she also has only fans. She's like nice with it.

Yeah, she knows what she's doing. Here she goes. But this is not the real one. Well, this, you know what? This is somebody made this fan account. This is not her real page. Oh, wait. Now I see how to spell her name.

I reported this bitch. I blocked her. I don't ever want to be a part of her. I don't want anything to do with her. I love my wife. No, you have no idea. I love my wife. You have no idea how many people you're helping right now.

I love my wife. Go ahead, Salami. You tell me. Jesus Christ. Dude, this is fucked Yeah I'll show you this This is like My whole world went upside down

And all she did was say All she did was say I like the show Good job That was a really funny clip She's got an alright shot Okay this is She's not even that hot

I mean she's hot Don't get me wrong She's got some titties bro But Oh man I gotta I wish I knew this chick That I just fucking followed bro this chick i just followed dude is like so then she didn't do it for you she's all

right well dude it's gotta be it's a combination bro so that chick's like a fake golfer yeah like you can tell she's probably taking like 10 hacks before she even hits it straight you think so you can just tell yeah okay okay okay but this chick bro like really i think she's from like miami oh fuck dude i don't even know man i love cuban she's so hot and good at golf that i followed her oh fuck and you know what that's what i do to my mind oh yeah you know i'm jerking off to like eagle putts dude you know what i'm saying dude it's like my whole feed now now is just hot chicks golfing. It's crazy. Are you a golfer guy?

You like to golf? I mean, I golf, but I'm ass. You know? Like, if these chicks were like, hey, do you want to golf with me? They'd immediately never talk to me again because I'm so bad. They'd be like, you know? We should record each other at the... You ever go to...

You ever go to Topgolf? No, I've been asking people. Oh, it's in Chelsea? Yeah. What? Why doesn't it pop up on Google? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know if it's called Topgolf? No, I've been asking people. Oh, it's in Chelsea? Yeah. What? Why doesn't it pop up on Google? I'm sorry. I don't know if it's called Topgolf.

I'm pretty sure it's called Topgolf. But Chelsea, the Chelsea Piers, it has two levels, and you just fucking putt. You just bang them. You just whack them. You ever seen it? Dude, I looked up Topgolf the other day, and there's one in New Jersey and then like deep New York. No, look at Chelsea Piers Golf. Put Chelsea Piers Golf, and you could just hit balls into the water. And there's like a big net. It, look at Chelsea Piers golf. Put Chelsea Piers golf and you can just, you can just hit balls

into the water. And there's like a big net. It's like outdoors though, right? Yeah, you can order like jalapeno poppers and fucking get drunk. We should fucking, we should go, dude.

No home out. Dude, we have to go. I did it once and I pulled my back. Really? Dude, my back was in so much pain. I've never run golf and I'm horrible.

I couldn't, I finally started hitting. I was like, okay, cool. And I'm hitting it and my girl's drunk. She started hitting and we're getting it and then the next morning i'm like oh my god yeah because you don't move like that regularly and when you're doing it i must have swang a hundred fucking times oh dude my back swing is so short because it's like i don't have the flexibility to fucking turn like that dude i bet you you could fucking hit the shit out of it

dude i bet you you'll teach me dude i'll hit the shit out of it, dude. I bet you you'll teach me. Dude, I'll hit the shit out of it maybe once around. Okay. And I'll think it goes far, but it goes like 280. It'll tell you. There have been some shots I've made where I'm like, that's fucking crazy. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's like one in every like 50.

Do you watch golf? No. Okay. Dude, I went golfing like two weeks ago in Rhode Island. And before I went, I was like, all right, I'm going to go to the driving range just to like practice or whatever. Yeah, driving range is what the thing is. So I don't embarrass myself. Dude, so the driving range near my house, it's on the main road, bro.

So it's literally right by the main road and you hit the ball is the opposite way, obviously. So it's like me and then there's a dude like 15 feet away from me and one of the other things. And dude, first ball I hit, there's like a telephone pole to the left of me. Dude, I fucking beam the telephone pole. The ball comes backwards, misses this guy's head by like this much. Oh, my God. Dude, bounces off cement and goes in the main road. Dude, that was my first swing.

off cement and goes in the main road dude that was my first swing like dude people would have to try for like hours to even even think about doing that you know what i mean damn i did the impossible because like dude i'm a lefty even if i went all the if i lined up on the last thing yeah and sliced it as much as i could it still wouldn't go on the road. Yeah. So like what I did just like broke the record books. You know what I mean? Damn. Yeah, dude. One time I went golfing, bro. I teed off fucking hit the golf cart like my own buddy's golf cart. Uh-huh. Like I hit the ball like at a fucking 45

degree angle. They're in the golf cart. I almost killed him. Oh my god. Yeah, bro. So like if I'm hanging out with these chicks, dude, I gotta at least like get a few lessons. We gotta prepare you for it. You know what? The way this girl slid in my DMs, we got to get that girl that you follow to slide in your DMs. We got to call her out.

We got to stalk her a little bit. And we got to get you in Chelsea. Well, dude, there's got to be so many dudes already in the DMs. What should I say? Be like, hey. I got a hit podcast. Hey. Hey, bitch.

What's up, bitch? Hey. You write LOL after bitch so she knows you're kidding. Dude, we should get the fans of the pod to all send messages to this chick. Yeah. Be like, hey, you should go golfing with Johnny Salami, dude. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. What's your name? Bro, I don't even. I'll edit it so that it shows shows up on the thing yeah you gotta you got i need to see her because you know i showed you i showed you my golf mommy and you were like yeah so i need to see that's the first time you and i haven't been on the same page this whole podcast so i need to see this chick because maybe I was looking at the low grade, a low tier, and you're at a whole other level.

Yeah, bro, I really should have, like, wrote her name down or something, dude. I got to see her. It's probably, like, I probably can't find her because I've already looked at all of her stories, like, 600 times. Bro, but this chick is, like she's got like old workout videos too. Like you can tell she's like a genuine athlete, dude. Oh, okay. This is a real broad.

Dude, so there's like, there's some chicks now who will do like the whole golf thing. And dude, these chicks are like bringing like fucking camera crews and shit. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. And they're just like ruining the game of golf. Gotcha. They'll have like legitimate camera crews with them and then they'll do that like strut or whatever yeah but this chick is just like hard nose like she's about just hitting dingers bro and like obviously you

can see her ass but it's like she's been hitting the gym you know like yeah yeah i can't find damn bro go to your following go to go maybe, did you recently follow her? Yeah, but if I go to following, it's not showing up. Go to people you follow. They'll come up on the top. Recently followed. Damn. We on a hunt for golf tail.

Dude, why is it not showing up? Damn. We got to go golfing. I got to. I bet if I just go on my feed dude She pops up right away Dude Yeah it's kinda making me upset That I can't find her

Yeah I'm getting upset It's like when I don't wanna find her She's like You know She's just there When I like Don't wanna What would you say

When the first time When you see her We make it happen Your fans make it happen You're there Oh it'd be super chill a bit what's good what's popping yeah perfect wow you you're you're good probably i don't probably shit my pants no i'm just kidding she's a human being dude yeah i'd probably get pretty sad dude because

i'd be like damn there's so many dudes probably trying to get with this chick especially like golfers who are probably way better than i am but yeah... Yeah, man, it's... Yeah, some of the shots she was hitting and stuff, I'm just like, that's fucking crazy, bro. You know? I feel like that's better, dude. Like, watching that shit's probably... I mean, it's not good, dude, but it's better than watching, like,

some chick bend over in front of, like, an Applebee's. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I watched. That was the first girl I showed you was that. Yeah. Yeah, she's hardcore, dude.

She's probably got a camera crew that shows up and shit. Yeah, 100%. But she's not a golfer. Your chick is an actual golfer. Yeah. Damn, what are you going to do? Damn. All right, dude.

Well, we'll wrap this up, brother. Fuck yeah, man. Hell yeah. Appreciate it for coming, man. Anytime, dude. Long time coming, dude. It was good to see you, man. Let's do it, man.

I got to get you on next time you're at gas. You got to come. Yeah, man. Do time coming, dude. It was good to see you, man. Let's do it, man. Got to get you on next time you're at Gas. You got to come. Yeah, man. Do your plugs, dude. Where can people find you and shit? At Comic Mike Figs. Check out Fig Talk. It's on the YouTube page.

Fucking subscribe to Gas Digital if you're a fan of Legion of Skanks. All those shows. Fucking I got a show on that network called The the thing is as well with shannon um yeah man at comic mike figs fuck yeah dude good to see you man thank you hell yeah man thanks for having me