The Johnny Salami Podcast - Mike Recine

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Mike Recine by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Yeah, I'm more of a cold brew guy. Really? Where'd you go? That Arabic place on Astoria Boulevard.

Oh, really? Was that good? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good. That was like right off the bus stop, kind of? Right off the train station. Fuck it. Did they understand you when you ordered?

I think so. I said, this one. Yeah. Some of them do. They don't even... It's almost like you're speaking fucking Latin, dude. It's crazy. You kind of have to respect it. What is that place uh it's open like 24 7 it's like paris

boner or some shit like that paris baguette yeah paris boner supposed to be like a fucking restaurant or something like a fancy is it supposed to be fancy or is it like the mcdonald's i don't know there's one across the street from my house actually and i don't i'm not i don't love it yeah their pastries are kind of whatever i'm a little bit of a i'm kind of a pastry bitch yeah you ever let them know i'm a little pastry boy yeah yeah yeah you ever let them know i'm not a big fan of their sweet treats i went over there and got a slice of cake last year and i said this is not up to up to my standards yeah they're open like 24-7, right? I think they're open pretty late. Yeah.

I don't know why. You ever go there late at night? I should. Someone's like, I need a chocolate croissant right now. But nothing's open late anymore. Yeah, that's true, man. You know? No diners or anything?

There's no diners. Wohop closes at 10 p.m. You have to Google like New York City 24-hour spots. Yeah. And then there's just like a bunch of like Asian massage parlors. Yeah, right. It just comes up with like rub maps. And you're like, are there any snacks back there?

Sometimes they got good stuff. Yeah. One of my buddies from my hometown, he had never used rub maps before, dude. Oh, okay. So he looks up rub maps and he finds like he sees all the- What is that app that tells you? Yeah, where like the Asians are at. I missed my window on that.

I can't do it now. Oh, so you had to go out and like venture off and just kind of figure it out? No, I've never really like, that seems like a thing a lot of guys do. I never really did it. Yeah, it's not a proud moment. Sure. But you got to do it at least once. Right. My buddy's wicked gullible though dude

it's not proud when you're getting a handjob from one who came here in a box yeah that's right you're just like funding human track trafficking you're making me self-conscious i'm like i guess this is some kind of nerd yeah no dude you're definitely better off not not going yeah if you i don't know how you would feel afterwards right you know yeah That would be tough if you committed suicide. Because they kind of have to offer it to you, right? Yeah. But dude, my buddy, he saw like, so you go on rubmaps.com

and it's just like a list of Asian massage parlors. But sometimes there's like false advertisements. So he clicked on one. It was like, fuck my little Asian pussy or whatever. like a list of Asian massage parlors, but sometimes there's like false advertisements, you know? So like he clicked on one, it was like, fuck my little Asian pussy or whatever. And he clicks on it, finds the address and he ends up going to the address.

It was just someone's house, dude. And then what happened? It was a dude. It was right next to a McDonald's on a main road. Yeah. Yeah. And then what happened? Dude, it was right next to a McDonald's on a main road. Yeah. He pulled in the driveway. It was like one of those psychic reading houses that you see in the suburbs.

Yeah. Where you're like, does anyone go there? He said it was like the whitest family ever. Is someone knocking on the door at 10 p.m. at a little house? You're like, can you read my palm? Well, dude, the people who live there are probably so sick of it. It's probably just dudes coming there all the time. Right, right, right. Yeah.

You got to turn the TV off. Yeah. You're like, it's dinner time. Why do you always come during dinner time? Yeah, what would you even know what you would say, dude? You like show them the ad like they're a telemarketer you're like is there like a secret password or something yeah yeah and there's a japanese family that lives next door and they're like you have wrong wrong house

yeah dude japanese is uh you ever watched like watch World War II docs or anything? Yeah, a little bit. Not recently, but I watched Ken Burns' The War. That was good. Really? Yeah. Damn, dude. Ken Burns is like a fucking effect.

No joke. It's like an editing effect where you zoom in on someone. Right. You think it was named after him? Was he the first one to do that? I don't know. You think think that's that's a good because that's easy because you just take the picture and then you just zoom in on it yeah but who is ken burns though i don't even know who that is oh he's like the he does a bunch of documentaries about like about like american history oh damn they're all like yeah seven parts he did like well so it's funny because he did like he did the war which is which is uh about

world war ii that's like probably like a five-part documentary and then he does like uh the civil war he did prohibition but then he'll do other ones on like candy you know like does he spice it up a little bit i think so yeah you're like he'll make stuff that you don't expect yeah yeah i got more minor stuff in American history. So you're like emotionally invested. Yeah. You're sitting down for the whole thing. Yeah.

It's like Ken Burns chairs. Yeah. And then you, yeah. I was watching, I want to start crying. You ever watch Tom Hanks? Like his World War II shit? No. It's fucking hilarious, dude.

It's like, he has like this thing, it's the Pacific. Yeah. And like, there's like six different scenes like this thing uh it's the pacific yeah and like there's like six different scenes where dudes will go take a shit and they won't say like the the magic word and they'll just die what do they used to call them fucking yellow monkeys or something like that yeah i think so it's been a while since i went to community college but yeah you know i haven't been to uh it's a documentary

well i didn't i didn't know what that was initially but yeah these dudes like they called them yellow monkeys but uh yeah these dudes are just like go take a shit there was like i swear to god there was like three different scenes they were americans oh is it fiction or a documentary uh it's like a documentary oh no it's fiction well i mean it's not fiction but it's like uh it's a documentary but they have like dramatic scenes and shit okay you know like reenactments. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like.

So, yeah, I don't know what you're talking about at all. So it would show like the American soldiers. Okay. Right. They like leave their families. Like it's all emotional and stuff. And then they'll just be like huddled up. Wait, let me try to piece together what you just told me. Okay.

So there's a Tom Hanks World War II movie. Okay. It's like a series. I gonna relay the i'm gonna relay the brothers but like yeah yeah yeah and then so they go they go to take a shit but they don't say the magic word and then what the yellow monkeys so you know what's so wait they're not saying the magic word when they shit i guess when when you would take a shit, you would have to say the magic word. Okay. And like, these dudes would go to take like massive shits. Yeah.

Okay. And they would be shitting. Yeah. Okay. The American soldiers? The American soldiers. Yeah. shitting yeah okay the american soldiers the american soldiers yeah and then the other american soldiers would hear shit in the woods and just start fucking blind firing oh okay oh wow okay so these dudes would just pass away taking a shit yeah now what was now but saying the magic so you got to say the magic word before you shit? Yeah.

So, they would give you a chance. But then doesn't that reveal yourself to the enemy? No. I guess, like, if they heard something, they would kind of, like, give you a chance to say the magic word. Who the fuck is it? And then if you didn't know the magic word, dude... Yeah.

Okay. You just get shot up, dude. Wow. wow yeah i don't know how accurate that was so much on the yeah yeah yeah wow you should wash it teach a class today just i don't know this is like a like a history podcast like today we're going to talk about yellow monkeys yeah and then where did the yellow monkeys come in uh i just thought that was so fucking funny dude because it's like dude imagine do you have to say the magic word the whole time you're shitting i think just once and they're like all right all right, all right. You're not like, banana, banana, banana, banana.

Just making shit up. And now if you said the magic word, the Japanese guys wouldn't shoot you? No, the American soldiers wouldn't shoot you. They wouldn't shoot, okay. So the American soldiers, like, if they heard shit in the woods. Oh, I see, I see. You know. Yeah.

I don't remember what the magic word was, though. Because a lot of those dudes passed away. Right. Which is kind of fucked up man because it's like how do you tell the family you know Jeff was a fucking great soldier he really just made one mistake he forgot to say raspberry

when he took the shit and we split him up could have been anybody yeah yeah because i don't think they would like disclose that that would definitely i mean if i was the parents i would i wouldn't want full disclosure yeah they should have like an option some crazy japanese guy killed him yeah i would want to know exactly what went down i would lie lie, yeah. Yeah, I want all the details. They're like, did he die honorably? You can't say.

He had his pants around his ankles. If somebody dies taking a shit, do you have to wipe their ass before you send their body home to their family? That's a good question. You just leave the skid mark? Yeah. I mean, if you and I were at war together i think i i think i would wipe your ass before we sent your body home dude i think i would just want the skid mark to stay yeah so never you buy yeah people be like oh that makes sense yeah like he went out how he would

want to yeah you fold it up and give it to my son your dad's last hanging hanging on the wall yeah that'd be fucking sick i realized recently that i don't know how to wipe my son's ass. He's three and he just started pooping on the toilet. Yeah. And it's like you can't, it's hard to get behind where the poop is. Yeah. When he's sitting on the toilet. Is that a normal age to start taking dumps on the toilet?

Yeah. Because I just started like two weeks ago. You did, yeah. What were you doing before that? You did diapers? Okay. Yeah, I used to take mean shits when I was younger. Have you thought about ever wearing a diaper?

Is there any situation where you're like, let's do a diaper? I think about it every day, man. Yeah. I just feel like it would be so much easier. So much easier. Yeah. I just pee a lot, though, so I just feel like I would need to be sponsored by a diaper company or something, like Huggies or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would have to be men's diapers, I guess, but I don't know if they got anything going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you don't want some teenagers to pull your pants down on this train and you're wearing like women's adult diapers and they're pink. Yeah. That would be the worst day of your life. I think about that a lot, though. And like, you ever think about like men's thongs?

Yeah. No. No, but they should. There's so much'm there's a whole world i'm missing out yeah i mean these are just theories man i don't think anyone would ever okay apply them but you never thought about that like in the in the hot summer what we're in like a men's thong no what what is the benefit of i just feel like you get a little more air down there but why girls only do it to be to be worse why do they why do girls do it is it to get more air i don't even know have to ask one yeah go back to that coffee place dude yeah yeah

that'd be fun if you have to wear a hijab but you have like the sluttiest the sluttiest underwear yeah like a g-string yeah yeah yeah like terrorist quotes on it with terrorist quotes yeah uh there was a dude uh what would be the terrorist quote i don't know dude maybe uh i can't i'll get killed if i say it right yeah if you say you say their name in vain, what's that dude's name? They draw him down in Texas, right? Yeah. What's funny was they had like a draw Muhammad contest in Texas.

And then they were like, yeah, we're going to, because it's freedom. And then someone came in and like shot it. But I think that guy was a fed because he had a text on his phone and somebody texted him like, go ahead and tear up Texas. Oh, man. But it's funny. It's like, God, you can't even have a draw Muhammad contest anymore without some. Can't even have a little bit of fun, man. Yeah.

That would be crazy. Excuse me. If you had like a G string that said like Muhammad lives here, like right on the pussy. Someone fucking nukes your house. that said like muhammad lives here like right on the pussy someone fucking someone fucking nuked your house you get a g-string there's a picture of muhammad like it like a south park yeah someone blows up your garage at like two in the afternoon like what the fuck uh yeah we had a kid who uh who lived across the way from me when i was younger. He was Hispanic. They were playing soccer one day, dude, and I kicked the ball

in the corner, and he went to go get it, and he fell over, dude, and his pants fell down. He was wearing a woman's thong. He was? Come on. That's not true. I swear to God, dude. Me and my friend were like, dude, we gotta go. We gotta go home.

And then what happened? You never talked to him again. You never talked to him again. Yeah, but if I could go back, I would have definitely been like, dude, we got to go. Like, we got to go home. And then what happened? Just never talked to him again. You never talked to him again. Yeah. But if I could go back, I would have definitely been like, hey, listen, man, like, it's not a bad idea, honestly. Yeah. Because he was fucking tearing it up. At soccer?

Yeah. Yeah. Could have been. Yeah. Could have been why. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Those guys, they're good. Yeah. Yeah. I saw a YouTube comment once. Somebody said soccer is a poor person's country because you can give a ball to a kid and they'll kick it around for hours. But I'm sure some of those guys are really good. Do you know what I mean? I don't want to get on the grass with them.

You seem like a well-cultured dude, though. I get. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah. You can put the pieces together a little bit. I think so. Yeah. I'm working on it a little bit. Yeah. You can like put the pieces together a little bit. I think so. Yeah.

I'm still, I'm working on it a little bit. Okay. You know, like I don't mean to be offensive, but like, um, even the neighbors upstairs, I was, I was referring to them as my Spanish neighbors. Uh huh. They're like, what's wrong with, did they hear you do it? They're Hispanic, but I just, cause people will come on the podcast and they'll be like, can we do like 2 o'clock? And I'm like, I'll try, but I have Spanish neighbors.

You know what I mean? And they don't let you podcast? Well, they vacuum a lot. Do they? Yeah. Okay. I don't know if that's offensive or not, but someone told me it is. How is it?

Yeah, how is that? I think they just vacuum for too long, you know, and they'll play like Gasolina and stuff while they're doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. They have like a quinceanera every day.

Yeah. Yeah. I heard the difference between, you know, the difference between Hispanic and Latino. So Hispanic, I mean, who cares? But Hispanic is like Spanish-speaking countries, and then Latino is like Latin America. I watched a YouTube video on that years ago.

Yeah, Latin. I guess it's good that I know that. Latin America is what, like Peru and shit? Yeah. I hope that's right, dude. Everything like below Mexico, I think. Yeah. It's just like a bunch of islands, right?

No, it's like Central a bunch of islands right no it's like it's like central america and then a big continent but there are some yeah yeah there are some islands yeah yeah fuck man those white guys are kind of like coming back in comedy a little bit i feel like white guys yeah what about like portuguesans i've only seen many puerto ricans lately puerto Rican stand-ups? Just in general. Yeah. I haven't. That doesn't mean they're not there. You just don't see it. Yeah, you think they're like hibernating or something?

Maybe they're hibernating. Yeah. Although it is summer. Yeah. I just feel like you used to see Puerto Rican dudes all the time and you'd just be like, yeah, don't fuck with that guy. It's immediately like the first, you know. Yeah.

I just haven't seen him that often though. I think it's, yeah, I think it's been a while. They're cracking down or something? What's going on? They're cracking down. Yeah, the Latina women are so beautiful, though. They are. It's crazy, man.

Yeah, they are. Are you Italian? Yeah. What are Italian women like? They're pretty attractive. Just like very nurturing and shit? Yeah, yeah, if they're your mother. Yeah. They'll give you a lot of love that's pretty cool dude i heard around here your diaper until you're like 30 30 dude are you uh are you from here from new york i'm from jersey really yeah because i

heard around like where i am right now i heard it it used to be predominantly Italians, and then the Greeks kind of came in. Do you guys have a beef? Well, we leave as soon as a minority shows up. We go to the suburbs. We're like, oh my God, what the hell's happening? What happened to the neighborhood? You guys don't even put up a fight? We don't put up a fight.

No, we're fucking cowards. Fuck, man. I didn't even know that, dude. Yeah, we all go out to Long Island or Jersey or whatever. But my family was always in Jersey. But yeah, I think Italians leave pretty quick. Because we want to be the top of... I mean, we're like the bottom of white people.

So we want to be like the top of brown people. So that's why we're the most people. Yeah. So we got to. So that's why we're the most racist. Yeah. Because we go, what's happening? This used to be a neighborhood full of white people like us. Yeah. You guys got your own thing going. Yeah.

I went to Long Island for the first time a few weeks ago. Okay. How was that? Was it like Governor's? Where are you from? Rhode Island. Okay. I went to like Governor's Comedy Club, though.

Yeah. I've never seen people's comedy club, though. Yeah. I've never seen people like that in my life. Right, yeah. It's like their own breed of people. It's wild. Yeah. And it's fun to perform there, but they're also kind of weirdly sensitive about stuff. Yeah.

Like if you do an abortion joke, they go, hold on a second. Hey, you can't talk like that. Yeah. You can't talk about Jesus like that. I feel like, well, they got like their own like kind of accent, right? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. I don't spend a lot of time in Long Island, but I know what you mean when you're like, yeah, this is like different.

It's like a culture shock, dude. I was like, damn. Yeah. Who are these people? Yeah. You know? And there's comics that kind of just play Long Island. They'll just play Long Island or just play Jersey.

They perform out there. Yeah, they have like a back room, dude, and it's literally just like these six-year-old dudes with fucking skull caps on. Yeah. Yeah. And you go, what are you going to like? What are you going to not like?

It's a crapshoot. You never know. Yeah. Yeah. What did i say oh i said i made a joke about like 9-11 one time and i got some people up in but i was up in pelham in the bronx and they got very upset really yeah they were like that was tasteless in the bronx yeah but it's like above kind of like near um i don't know where pelham is but it's like yeah

it's like working class kind of white they're probably there's probably a lot of firefighters like a rich area yeah it's like it's like more it's like white working class kind of yeah so they probably knew people you think if you told that in like uh the central bronx like in the hood if you told like a hardcore 9-11 joke i don't feel like they'd fuck with that yeah i don't know i mean there's only one way to find out yeah yeah just tell everyone you're like jerking off to like 9-11 highlight tapes and shit yeah I don't know. I don't know. I mean, there's only one way to find out. Yeah. Just tell everyone you're like jerking off to like 9-11 highlight tapes and shit. Yeah. I think they would like that.

Yeah. 9-11. This guy's crazy. Yeah. 9-11 jokes have been around for so long, man. They just keep going. Yeah. That's how we used to make each other laugh during like lunch.

Yeah. There's 9-11 jokes and stuff. Yeah. You know? I mean, we all, you know, we lived through it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was like five. You were? Yeah. Yeah. There's 9-11 jokes and stuff. Yeah. You know? I mean, we all, you know, we lived through it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was like five.

You were? Yeah. Okay. I took a shit on my neighbor's lawn during 9-11. Why? Was he like... I was five. Uh-huh. Yeah, it was naked and I just took a shit.

Oh, but he wasn't like Muslim or anything, was he? I don't know. You never know with those guys, man. But you weren't doing it as like for a bit. No, his whole family was watching it on TV and they were like crying and stuff. Yeah. But they had like this big window out front. I just ran over.

Yeah. Took a massive shit. Okay. And I just can't even imagine like what they were going through. Why didn't you shit in your own ass? I was five. I think it was my first time without diapers. When you were five?

Yep. Wow. It took a while, man. That's a long time. That's why I asked. I was like, it's three. Because your son's probably crushing it. Yeah, I think so.

He's doing well. Has he shit his pants yet? No. Really? No. He pissed himself one time on the on the street but it's just like whatever it's fine it's whatever yeah you walk it off because i was walking the dog and the dog started peeing and then he started peeing wow yeah you think they'd have like a telepathic

relationship or something yeah that'd be fucking they're like stewie and brian from family guy yeah dude watch family guy yeah it's hilarious. You'd be fucking sick, dude. Yeah, it's sick. Yeah, man. So he's not even in school yet. He goes to preschool. At three? Yeah. He's in the Brooklyn Preschool of Science.

That's pretty sick, man. I guess they teach him about, like, science. That's wild. They teach him about hormones. Because, dude, I didn't even go to preschool until I was, like, five, I think. Really? Yeah. Okay. So what were you doing between two and five? You're just wearing diapers. Just living, dude, I didn't even go to preschool until I was like five, I think. Really? Yeah. Okay. So what were you doing between two and five?

You were just wearing diapers. Just living, dude. Just living, yeah. Shitting on people's lawns and shit. Uh-huh. You know? Yeah. Schools are different around here, though.

You know? Yeah. They're like locked up and stuff. Yeah. Where I'm from, you could fucking drive. Those people have driven through schools, like where I'm from. Through the building? Yeah, through the building. through the building okay because they're big is that true yeah there was a there's a high school near me uh near my hometown lincoln high school this dude uh like

drove through the building he made it like halfway halfway in and i think that's when the car shut down okay but his intent was to to make it all the way through. Yeah, but here that wouldn't work because they got it all locked up, fenced in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you can drive your Honda Fit through a school. You and your husband. When... Because it's New York and we're liberal was uh when you drive your e-bike

through a school you know i mean i got the membership dude i got the city bike oh yeah yeah you like it no it's a little pricey right very pricey dude yeah you gotta pay like the annual membership and then you gotta pay every time you use it yeah yeah yeah it's like what the fuck is this dude and the regular city bikes are trash. Yeah, it's like, dude, I'm not trying to have a fucking heart attack. That's how I feel every time I ride the city bike. Good, I thought it was just me.

I thought it was the vaccine or something. It might be. Messing with me, yeah. Yeah, you get Johnson & Johnson. No, I got, yeah. I feel that way sometimes. I'm not like a conspiracy guy or anything but you ever feel a little off and you're like it's the vaccine no like like yeah i do feel off all the time and i i've been having some problems my memory's a

little messed up and i uh i can't get my wife pregnant. And I haven't been like, I've been like, maybe it's having COVID like four times, but now I'm like, yeah, maybe it is the vaccine. It's a vaccine, man. Yeah. And it feels good to say that

because other guys believe that, so that's how you can make friends. That's the cure, man. Yeah. Just letting it out. Yeah. On like a playground. Right. To the other fathers. You're like, I bet it's the cure, man. Yeah. Just letting it out. Yeah. You know? Yeah. On like a playground. Right.

To the other fathers. You're like, I bet it's the vaccine that's fucking up my dick. Hey, Stan. Stan Levine. Did you get the vaccine before or after?

I had it after I had it. Same. Yeah. Which doesn't even make sense. Yeah, it doesn't, but everybody was saying to get it yeah who know i just fucking got it i just got it yeah i was like i hope this fucking murders me

dude you know they were like you might you know they were like wait around for like 20 minutes i just dipped i was like let's fucking yeah you know you got on a city bike yeah you got on an e-bike and just some people some people die out there man on those on those electric ones i know because you can get like you can get up to like 15 20 miles an hour yeah yeah a friend of mine uh passed away on an electric city bike yeah jesus man i think it was yeah i think it was an e-bike i don't know if it was a city bike or not but yeah was that the kid from brooklyn yeah kenny the comedian yeah Yeah. Yeah, they, I saw some kids. I still don't wear a helmet, too, when I. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the way to go, though, man. You think you would, you think that's the way to go, though, like, or do you think you should start carrying around a helmet? I don't want to be a vegetable for weeks. Yeah. Yeah. You ever ridden, like, a motorcycle or anything? No.

Yeah, me neither. I think about trying sometimes. Like if I wanted to go out, just hop on one, not knowing how to work it. Yeah. I mean, how hard could it be? I'm sure you get the hang of it. It's like a jet ski, you know? I mean, you figure it out.

Dude. Yeah. So do you hop on the manual city bikes or the electric ones sometimes but usually i'll take an electric one yeah yeah i saw a fat kid fall on one of those okay in front of a bunch of hot chicks outside of nyu oh yeah and he straight face just got up and rode away okay i mean if that happened to me, dude, I'd fucking literally kill myself. And you tell the girls that you're going home to kill yourself. I know you ladies saw that. I am going to kill myself. Yeah, I would immediately walk out.

I'm humiliated. That's crazy, man, to just keep a straight face and just walk that off. The stuff that happens, getting humiliated in front of girls is the fucking worst. When I was in middle school, every day I would sit down at my seat, and this kid would punch me in the arm before class,

and there were these three girls that sat in front of us, and I remember one of the girls being like, Andrew, how hard did you hit him? He looks like he's going to cry. And I really, every once in a while i just think about that kid and how bad i want to kill him if you if you could go back do you think you'd throw hands um he was like bigger than me but i think i would like bring a belt to school and like wrap it around his neck oh shit after class started yeah i'd get up and i'd take the belt and i'd sneak up behind him sneak up behind him like lookak up behind him like a Yakuza.

Yeah. Would you say anything? Would you whisper in his ear? Yeah, what should I say? I don't know. I haven't thought that. I'm gay. Hey, buddy.

I'm gay. He's like so confused. He's turning blue, but he also doesn't know what's happening. And I wouldn't kill him, obviously, but I would just let him think that I was. You got to make your enemies think you're crazy, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I used to get bullied. You did?

There was a Puerto Rican kid in one of my Spanish classes. You don't seem like a guy who got bullied. All the time. Bad. Yeah. I bully bad. Mostly, like, emotionally, but physically, dude, like in middle school, this kid, dude, this kid smacked me in the face once.

Brutal, isn't it? Yeah. This kid, Gilberto, dude. Gilberto? Yeah. I think he was Puerto Rican. He could have been Puerto Rican. That's funny.

This kid fucked me and his name was Diego. He fucked you? No, but he fucked me. Yeah. No, he didn't fuck me the interview's over give me the hell eddie because that would have been sick dude if a dude named diego fucked you why i should be a sick story yeah you're just casually like all right he fucked me yeah this kid in spanish class dude straight man, just smacked me in the face.

And I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything, dude. Yeah. And there was like a few girls around. They were like, wow. Oh, my God. They were like kind of wet. Like Gilberto.

I'm so wet. One of them was your girlfriend. Just flash flood warnings, man. Yeah. From Gilberto, obviously. But yeah, if I could go back, I would just throw, like, the hardest haymaker. Probably miss. I'd probably fucking punch the dude next to me. You'd probably miss, but at least, see, they say when you go to prison.

Yeah. Right? So, if you ever find yourself in prison, and they try to fuck with you, you have to at least fight back. Like, they might kick your ass, but they'll know that you're going to fight back a little bit. So they'll find somebody who's gayer than you to bully. Take their cookies, take their sweets or whatever. Yeah, because they know if you don't fight back, they can just keep fucking with you. They can keep fucking with you.

So you have to. Yeah. So I think that's good. You have to just fight back a little bit. That would have been cool if I got up and and like knocked out the kid next to me. Just to like send a message. Yeah, yeah. You hit the teacher.

But I think about that because, yeah, like middle school boys are so ruthless. Yeah. But they're all just little like, they're all just little queers trying to impress everybody. They're not actually going to do anything. No. You know, they're just in it for like the, you know, just the, what is that called? Like dopamine or whatever. Yeah.

The dopamine rush. Yeah. You know, like when you get. But they'll say shit that like really hurts. It's like their way of getting a boner. Yeah. Because a lot of them are like closeted homosexuals. Right.

Right. But I feel like a lot of the online comments, that's got to be like middle school kids. You think that's like their porn hub? Yeah. Just to fuck with grown men stand-up clips when I do stand-up about my wife. Yeah.

Some dude's like typing while he jerks off. He's like, you fucking pussy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can see that for sure. Yeah. The internet's crazy. You read comments on the internet? You know, every once in a while I'll see one, yeah.

But, yeah, I just hope I can give my kid the tools to, you know, not get fucked. I just don't want my kid to get fucked with. By a dude named Diego? By a dude named Diego, yeah. Especially like to get fucked with by a Puerto Rican. It's like, dude, at least get their respect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Right, right.

Hopefully you can be friends with a few of them. Yeah. That's so true because they're not... They're going to be... You're not going to beat them. Honestly, I'm going to be honest with you, dude. If I punched that kid in the face, I think he would have killed my whole family.

Yeah. He was like 14. His uncle would have dropped him off at your house there would have been a drive by for sure I'm not even joking like he would have killed my whole family right the stakes are just different for them yeah I would have seen like a Honda Odyssey roll up like end of watch you ever seen end of watch

I saw the beginning of it dude you only saw the beginning yeah dude watch that tonight. Okay. You'll fucking cry, dude. Really? I bawled my eyes out, man. Yeah.

There's a drive-by in that, though. It's not like propaganda, as they say? No, it's one of the most emotional things I've ever seen in my life. Okay, okay. Aside from, like, Planet Earth 2, dude. It's fucking wild. Planet Earth is good. Yeah.

Yeah. I've been saying that for years. We can come back to that, but yeah. Yeah, there's a drive-by in the movie, though. I think it's, like, the's good. Yeah. Yeah. I've been saying that for years. We can come back to that, but yeah. Yeah, there's a drive-by in the movie, though. I think it's like the MS-13s or something. They're in like a gray Honda Odyssey, which is a really nice van. Yeah, it is. It's a really, it's a quality van, dude.

It's like brand new. It's like not a drive-by vehicle. Uh-huh. But yeah, man, they, dude. They're at the dealership. Automatic side. The guy's like, do you have kids? He's like, yeah, I got thousands of them.

But yeah, dude, I can't even. I remember the beginning of that movie. It's like Jake Gyllenhaal's partner, right? He fights the guy in his house. He's like, let's throw hands. And if you beat me, I won't take you in. And they're like, fuck yeah, I respect this guy. Yeah.

But they're on a gang. Right. A black gang. I think it's like the Bloods or the Crips. Right. I think they're wearing red. I don't know how the gangs work. I think the Bloods and the Crips have like rivals.

Is MS-13 probably like all Mexicans, right? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Frown it out there. It's got to be. Yeah, because it's like a south american gang right yeah now would the ms-13 do they do they like bother you if you're just normal if you're just

like a regular i don't think they have like initiation yeah so you could just be like filling your car with gas and just fucking get blown up or some shit just because like some dude has to get into the gang yeah that's like their initiation right it's like frat hazing i guess okay that's what they say i don't know if that still happens anymore right but that would suck to be that guy yeah just get macheted at like a fucking costco you're just loading like a big pack of water into your car going like a fantasy football draft dude yeah yeah your, yeah. Your wife is like, can you get me Lemon LaCroix? You just get hacked.

You just hear gasoline in the background. Fucking hot honesty. You're like, what the fuck? Right before you die, you're just really confused. Fuck. But right before you die, you're just really confused. You think kids are going to come out of the van and it's just four guys with no shirts and machetes. It's like straight up swords.

Yeah. You just got the Costco membership like a week ago, too. Yeah. You're like, fuck, man. I thought they had good deals. Yeah. But listen, let me ask you this. If a 13-year-old hacked you to death, right, it is gang initiation.

But after that, he went on to live, like, a great life. Like, he got pussy right away. Yeah. You know, he got to have sex with a 21-year-old or whatever. And then he was in the gang. He became a higher-up in the gang. And then he went and turned his life around and wrote a book. But he never could have done that if he didn't machete you to death. Yeah.

Then it'd be worth it for sure. Then it'd be worth it. Just be in another dimension or some shit. Yeah. I really do think there's just like other dimensions okay i think there's like a you and me like in another dimension right now maybe you're like a lesbian or something and i'm like i work at like fucking jd byrider okay you know what i'm saying yeah what's jd byrider it's like a car rental company

it is it's like a it's a car They sell cars, but it's finance only. Okay. You can't pay cash. You could go there and be like, I'll buy this for five grand cash right now, and they'd be like, nah. What, does it rent a center for cars? It's kind of like fucking, you know when you go down a highway and there's that sign that's like, we finance everybody?

It's like that. Okay. But it's just like a funny fucking name. Yeah. JD's like that. Okay. But it's just like a funny fucking name. Yeah. JD Byrider. Yeah. The fuck? Because they probably go like, oh, it's just X amount of dollars per month.

Yeah. And then you pay them for like 50 years. Yeah, you're paying more in interest than the actual. And they get $200,000 out of you. Yeah. Yeah. Most people kill themselves before they pay off the car loan. So it's like.

Is it true? Yeah. Okay. Most people kill themselves before they pay off the car loan. Is that true? That's their motto. If you can't pay off our loan, just kill yourself. Yeah. Are you like an old school guy, though? Do you do online shopping or do you go inside of? No, I don't really like to do online shopping at all.

Okay. How do you, how do you feel about that? I have mixed feelings, man. You know, I'm like a pretty old school guy at heart and I try to do good, you know, like I tried going into Best Buy the other day. Yeah. And dude, I hope someone fucking nukes that place. It sucks.

It's the fucking worst. Which one did you go to? The one in fucking Long Island City. Yeah. Somebody literally, dude, if somebody blew that up tomorrow. Yeah. it sucks it's the fucking worst you go to the one in fucking long island city yeah somebody literally if somebody blew that up tomorrow yeah i wouldn't feel anything yeah it's bad right it's dude it's the worst well you can order like you can order um you do bestbuy.com and you can that's what i did oh you went i just went to pick it up you didn't even browse the store nope i was just like hey man i ordered this online like where can i pick it up. You didn't even browse the store? Nope. I was just like, hey, man, I ordered this online. Like, where can I pick it up?

And he, like, ripped a vape, and then he pointed at, like, a washer-dryer set. Okay. I'm like, dude, you got to fucking be kidding me. Yeah. But he, like, sent me to, like, the fucking, like, the back desk or whatever, and they were like, yeah, we don't have it. Go to the front desk. Went to the front desk.

They were like, yeah, we don't have it. Go to customer service. Yeah. Customer service is like, we don't have it. I was like, dude, I was just at the front desk went to the front desk they were like yeah we don't have it go to customer service yeah customer service is like we don't have it i was like dude i was just at the front desk yeah and then he was like all right i think we have it but they're having a tough time right now they're competing with like amazon and all the because sometimes i i'll go to bestbuy.com and i'll go let me let me give these guys some let me give these boys my business they kind of need it yeah it's like they're struggling i feel like they used to be the OG back in the day.

Maybe it was just retarded or something, but. No, I would go there with my cousin. We would like hit the mall and then we'd go to Best Buy. Yeah, when he got his license. And we'd like walk around Best Buy and look at the DVDs. And their customer service was like on point, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I remember those days. What are they cutting corners? Yeah. I mean, they're telling people, you know, we got to raise the minimum wage, but it's like, do we got to cut it down? You know? Yeah. Yeah.

We got to get like six, 10. You think that's why they're not working hard? Because how much to get paid? Do you think they're just like fucking dipshits? Yeah, it could be. I think, I think like, I don't know, you go to In-N-Out Burger, everybody there gets paid pretty well. And that seems to run well.

Yeah. I've never been. Yeah, it's good. Is it only on the West Coast? It's only on the West Coast. But I went there. I got a burger and fries. I was in California a few weeks ago.

Yeah. And it was like, I paid less than $9 for a burger and fries. And everybody working there is making like $20 an hour. Large? Yeah, the managers make like six figures. You got a large burger and fries? I got like is making like 20 bucks an hour and the managers make like yeah the managers make like six figures you got a large burger and fries i got like a regular size okay yeah i think a single burger and but less it was like less than nine bucks damn i wonder what they're doing i think they're just paying their well they believe in god number one that's number one yeah yeah that is the number one human trafficking for sure they're probably

doing some human probably how they're profiting off but, for sure. There probably has been some human trafficking. There's probably other profiting off it, yeah, for sure. Yeah. But, yeah, I think when you get paid like shit, you're like, you don't care about your job. Yeah. I mean, I used to get paid like shit, and I still... You did. I put an effort in, because, like, my boss was like, I'll fucking murder you. Yeah.

And I was like, all right, man. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Like, the boss is like, they don't have as much authority now. Because if your boss is like yo I'm gonna fucking murder you dude you're like holy shit you know that's true

yeah they want you scared I had like an Italian boss who owned like a pizza shop I would deliver pizzas and this guy I called him the antichrist in the back room i was sweeping up stuff and he was like what the fuck are you doing man like you're missing all this shit and i was like

dude you pay me six dollars a fucking hour yeah like we started going at it and i called him the antichrist uh-huh and he ended up giving me a raise. Nice. Yeah. Seven bucks an hour, dude. Great. Yeah. And then he started respecting me. What was this, like 20 years ago? That's gross good money 20 years ago. No, this was in college, man.

This was like five years ago, six years ago. Okay. But yeah, then he started respecting me, dude. And he started doing like funny shit. And I was like, damn, maybe that's all it is, dude. It's just like. Because they do what they think they can get away with yeah yeah like he would make like he would take like fucking 50 pounds of dough like slap it on the table in front of his wife and like he would make a pussy okay and then he would start fucking it okay in

front of his wife okay and like the whole staff did she think it was funny no yeah it's like, remember the movie Ted when he goes and gets the job at the grocery store and he's like, everyone fucks your wife. And the guy's like, no one's ever talked to me that way. It's like a reverse. Yeah. Some chicks like that too, I think. To be disrespected? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, they're messed up. Yeah. I think they call it like hate fucking. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I tried that once.

It didn't really work out well. It's weird. It's weird. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I tried that once. It didn't really work out well. It's weird. It's weird. It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. You ever do that like with your wife or anything? You know, I saw this video.

There's this like – I watch a lot of these like sales guys. Yeah. You know? And I just kind of like hearing what they have to say. I kind of like the motivation stuff even though it's probably all horseshit. Yeah. But I like that kind of thing. I kind of like the motivation stuff, even though it's probably all horseshit. Yeah. But I like that kind of thing. I kind of like what they're selling.

I like business guys because I never knew how to make money. Yeah. So I like, you ever watch Patrick Bet-David? Sometimes, but afterwards I just feel kind of like gay. You feel gay? Okay. You know? Yeah.

Because he just makes me feel like such a man right you know oh and you're like a man made me feel like something i would listen to before like a fucking boys night or something uh-huh you know yeah yeah it's just like uh and you're like i should be listening to guys we fucked or yeah i like to listen to uh hard hardcore right shit and then listen to hardcore left shit okay now what's the hardcore left shit that you yeah that you listen to um what's a good one so i'll listen to like every this is every once in a while i'll listen to like fucking alex jones okay and then i'll put on like seeing like uh what what's that? The view, the view. And then I'll just cry laughing. Okay. Cause they're just complete, completely. Yeah. It's

just so funny to me. Yeah. Yeah. This is like once a month or something. I'll just be like, kind of bored. And it's like, yeah, I'm just like, let's see what's going on. Right. You know? Yeah. And it's crazy, dude. Okay. If you you listen to both if you listen to like an hour of alex jones and then go to the view right listen to that for like an hour yeah fucking aneurysm yeah it's like it's like it's like um jumping into the pool after you go in a hot tub yeah yeah you do that once a month dude you're gonna be feeling dangerous yeah yeah yeah but this guy brad leah that i was listening to he was like he was like yeah you can't he's like you can't serve your wife because that's feminine he's like a sales guy yeah he's like it's feminine

to like pay attention to your wife he's like what your wife wants is for you to focus on your life's mission and that's what that's what makes her attracted to you yeah because they don't want it they don't want you to be like what's going on they want you to like take care of yourself you know so that's why i'm here doing this podcast yeah because this this is all part of my life's mission yeah you know to take two trains and a bus to a guy's house in queens and talk about Puerto Ricans. Talk about Puerto Ricans, yeah. This is what's important in life.

But I did think that was really interesting because sometimes you get too caught up in like, is my wife okay? And sometimes what she really wants you to do is go to Whole Foods and steal a bunch of groceries. Yeah, literally, dude. It's crazy, man. We live in a time where it it's like i don't really pay too much attention to it

but it's like everyone's reading these like theoretical novels about like intimacy and anal and shit right right and then they just at the end of the day you just come back to like biology you know uh-huh like everyone like women go to fucking hair school you know get a job at fucking super cuts okay and then they're like you know what i'm just gonna focus on raising my seven kids right right and they're like that's what i wanted the whole time yeah it just takes time you know yeah it's like our grandfathers kind of had it figured out yeah and then i'll have my kid during the day because uh every once in a while like i'll, I'll have him and I'm like, this is terrible. Yeah.

I should be like in an office right now making cold calls. I should be doing, I should be selling copiers door to door to provide for my family. I should be selling fucking solar panels, dude. I should be selling solar panels or whatever, whatever it is. But it does, like, those guys are fucking relentless, dude i should be selling solar panels or whatever whatever it is but it does like those guys are fucking relentless dude right pretty much almost 90 of dudes pretty much just sell like life insurance and they'll call people and be like hey is so and so there yeah and they'll be like no no he's dead yeah and they'll be like all right well what about you like you want some fucking life insurance yeah yeah they're like, oh, he just passed a week ago.

And they're like, I don't give a fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. I bought life insurance from one of those guys years ago. What company? Northwestern Mutual. Oh, that's not bad. My boy works there.

Yeah. It's actually a good company, man. Is it? Yeah. That thing is. But why am I buying life insurance at when i'm 29 um because if you pass away then yeah but who who do i need to leave money to i don't have if like at the time i didn't have kids or anything they sell it to you like it's

an investment um but it's uh not a good idea i don't know for a fact but i think i guess the insurance company would just take it. Well, those guys get big commissions. Well, it would probably go to like probate or some shit. What's that? Like a probate court. Okay. So they would decide like which one of your family members gets it.

Right. So whoever fucking wins, dude. I don't know how that shit works, but. Yeah. But what am I going to do? Die and then like leave money to my sister? She's her own yeah she's got a job i think about that a lot because i'm like yo i don't want to fucking leave my money to anyone you know right you could have it i guess you could have it and like you know like an estate or something just have it transferred to like a

fucking good cause yeah you know like brazzers or something. Like Brazzers, yeah. That would be funny to like just give your life insurance money to like... I made it too. Yeah, it would. They would be fucking amped. Or just like your favorite porn star.

Yeah. Just like thank you for all these years. A current one or like an older one? Just like whatever one you sp spank to the most just be like yeah send her a letter yeah like feathered pen yeah but then she like opens it up and it's a check for like fourteen thousand dollars or whatever you're worth and she just puts it in a pile yeah for mother it's like nothing her yeah well dude i think live insurance is just like a dollar a month or some shit. No, it's like I was paying like one hundred twenty five a month. Is it because you're older when you started? I was younger when I started, but it was like it's called whole life insurance.

So it's like you put money in and then after a certain amount of years, you can cash in the policy. Yeah. So the policy has like a value, but it doesn but it doesn't recoup the cash value for a few years because those guys get their commissions and everything. So I think what they're doing is they're taking your money and investing it, and then they give you a little sliver of it. Because if you just put that money in the stock market over the course

of however many decades, it would be like 10 times as much as what they're going to pay you out. Yeah, I mean, I'm like borderline retarded, but I think they get paid off. Don't buy life insurance. They get paid off like the residual value. Yeah.

So they don't even have to do anything, you know? But yeah, man, I don't, um, I don't know. That's why,

yeah, they'll call you and they'll be like, do you know anybody else who needs retirement planning? You got, you got family, you got friends. Yeah. Cause they just have to make one sale and then they're good.

Yeah. You know. This guy should be killed. For sure, yeah. Yeah. I don't mind life insurance guys because I kind of, most of them are like chill dudes who just like are trying to make it out there. Right.

The dudes I really want to crucify. You want to work with your hands or something. Yeah. It's like, dude, go make a fucking, go do floors, you fucking pussy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But the dudes I hate are the solar panel salesmen.

You ever come across these guys? Not really. Dude, they're the fucking worst. They're just sending fucking anyone out there, you know? Oh, yeah. Like, dude, I was driving home, pulling in my mom's driveway, and this dude was pissing on my mom's, like, fence. Okay.

So he sees my car pulling, and he fucking runs behind a wall, and this dude was pissing on my mom's like a fence. Okay. So he sees my car pull in and he fucking runs behind a wall, takes the vest that he's wearing off and then tries to sell me solar panels as I'm walking in. I was just like, I was so upset, dude. He literally at the end of his sales pitch was like, dude,

are you okay? He asked you that? You're so pissed. I just like, I wanted to mother's fence. Yeah. I wanted to say something, man, but pitch was like dude are you okay he asked you that because you're so pissed i just like i wanted your mother's fence yeah i wanted to say something man but i was like in my head i was like this dude's basically got sent out into a random neighborhood he's trying to sell solar panels right i mean he really does have nowhere to piss yeah like it's a nice fence but it's like i kind of felt for him i was like i kind of get it yeah and i also why did he take his vest off because he thought i wouldn't notice yeah it was him okay it was like a yellow vest and

he thought if he took it off i'd be like oh right who's that guy yeah yeah who the fuck are you turns his hat around yeah he puts like glasses with the nose on it yeah but you gotta respect it man like the fucking you gotta respect the hustle yeah i did i did something similar that when i was in college we just would go around to neighborhoods and we knock on doors and like uh we'd be like you want a free estimate on your windows we'll send a guy out and then they would send out a salesman to like cleaning windows or just like window install to replace the windows windows. Oh, shit. Windows and siding. Yeah. But I felt like such a big shot. Yeah.

Doing it. Yeah. Damn. It was cool. Did you ever, you make a lot of money or no? Yeah. For like a college kid, I did. Yeah.

Yeah. I remember out of college, dude, I worked at a bank that was two miles away from my house. Okay. And I would have to like, I would literally be in the branch and I would know like a lot of the people that came in and I would have to like try to sell them on investments. Yeah. So I would just be walking up to people and be like, hey, like how much money do you have? People would just like threaten to kill me and shit.

Yeah. I lived like literally two miles down the road. It was the worst job I've ever had in my life. And this guy would just look at me all day and be like, yo, yo, that guy that guy's withdrawing money. Like, go see how much money he has. Nice. It's fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Do we get, uh, we get phone calls, man. Okay. If you don't mind. No. Let's see what we got. Most, most of these people are mentally mentally challenged so i just want to let you know that okay what up jay dog big fan um i was just wondering how much bush is too much bush and what is your preferred bush thank you it's a pretty solid question. Yeah, why don't you go first?

You think I should go first? Well, I don't know. I think as much as it grows is fine. Really? Yeah. You think it stops growing? Oh, maybe you think it doesn't? I'm not sure. Do you think it doesn't stop growing? I mean, I like to joke about it. I always say I want to marry a woman with a full bush who doesn't? I'm not sure. Do you think it doesn't stop growing? I mean, I like to joke about it.

You know, like I always say, like, I want to marry a woman with like a full bush who like doesn't pay her taxes. But I've only been with one woman who had a bush. Yeah. I, yeah, I finger banged her behind a shed in college. Okay. That was it. And it was one of the best experiences of my life.

So. Yeah. Yeah. Because of the bush? of my life. Yeah. Yeah. Because of the bush? I think so, yeah. Yeah. And the fact that it was behind a shed. Yeah.

Right? Those are probably some of the best memories you make as a young man. I really should be teaching a class, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I haven't had too much experience with it. I would probably say, like... Yeah, I had a Saturn when I was in high school.

A Saturn? Yeah. Oh, a car? Yeah. Yeah. Have you... Yeah, you know what they are? They're like these little...

Yeah. Little ones, yeah. They're little, and... But it was a four-door, so I would, like... Yeah, I think I got my dick sucked a couple times in the backseat of the saturn yeah it's really small it's like really small back there by a woman with a full bush um no i don't think she had a full you know because that would have been uh yeah man i'm gonna be honest actually one of my first girlfriends she had a she had a full bush. I still feel bad to this day, man. Why?

She had like a pool party. Yeah. She invited like me and my boys to go. She had like her girlfriends there. And we ended up riding our little huffy bikes up to her house. She had like a nice in-ground pool in the back. And I walk out there and she's on a beach chair just laying like this. Okay.

Okay. I remember looking at her and being like, dude, is someone eating out my girlfriend right now? Uh-huh. Oh, because they're... Really? You thought it was a guy's head? I thought it was a head.

Oh, wow. Yeah. it looked like osama bin lann's beard dude wow crazy wow and dude no joke i looked at it realized what i was dealing with and i just i just dipped i rode my huffy home and i broke up with her on a.i.m i remember i was listening to tell her why that was the reason though i didn't tell her why but she found out because i told everyone yeah and everyone also saw it everyone saw it yeah and she never dude she never shaved it man there was pool parties after that okay and uh it was like a protest yeah that she would not quit she never gave in okay and back then that didn't sound great but now i'm like hard as a rock thinking about it yeah like i'm thinking about reaching back out to her yeah

being like is it still she didn't compromise who she was no yeah i wonder if she shaved it after all these years that would be sick dude if she didn't shave it yeah after all these it's just like six feet long yeah it just keeps growing and she's still not hiding it just like corn braids yeah like six feet of corn braids yeah you imagine that yeah they try to tell her to shave it at the community pool and it goes to the supreme court she's's in, like, the Guinness Book. Yeah. She's like, I had a moment where my middle school boyfriend broke up with me. And I said no.

I never gave up. Yeah. All right, let's see what else we have, dude. Yo, Johnny. Currently sitting on the pot at work right now i'm pushing out some chinese food from last night but quick question for you brother what's your favorite war crime thanks bro bye that's a good question yeah yeah um what are the war crimes i guess there's like certain weapons that you can't use well that would be like uh yeah you go ahead go ahead well so so you're not allowed to use

like chemical weapons right in war but not after like world war ii maybe yeah so you're not allowed to like gas you can drop bombs on people but you can't gas them yeah like mustard gas and shit yeah yeah i didn't know that but yeah so that would that would be your favorite dude um well i'm trying to think of the other ones i mean it's not it's not rape i'll tell you that how's it going um because that's a war crime right like is it like kill like massac civilians. I think that's just a misdemeanor. What? Rape. Oh, okay.

Okay. No, I don't even know. What's your favorite? I thought a war crime was like treason. Treason? Yeah. No, I think a war crime is like something that an army does on a civilian population. Okay.

Yeah. You could technically... So I guess I'm civilian population okay yeah you could technically so i guess i'm yeah technically you could do it then what treason like you could commit treason you know maybe does that even make sense well you could like dessert i guess deserting but that's not really a like join the jihad um just like make a lot of that make a bunch of them gay. Teach them how to be gay. I guess that's my favorite work. I'm teaching the Taliban how to be gay. Dude, what do you think the Taliban would do if it was like movie night and you put on like a gay porn?

Okay. Like on a projector. Yeah. Or just the movie In and Out with Kevin Costner. It's like a gay movie. My Best Friend's Wedding. Yeah. Like Brokeback Mountain.

Yeah. Because that's like slowly progressing. So they would probably see most like, you know, that would really throw them off a little bit. They'd be like, I love American culture. It is nice yeah uh what was he gonna say yeah yeah i guess gassing is maybe my favorite because it's like there's something kind of hypocritical about it you know yeah yeah i think mine is just like straight up like famine famine yeah that's bad that's a bad one. I mean, has a nuke ever gone off? Yeah, we used one. Oh, by accident?

Like intentionally, or have they all just been in open fields? Yeah, we dropped two on Japan. That's Pearl Harbor. No, they did that to us. And then we won. We had the last laugh. What was the nuke that they, I think it was a documentary on it. They like set it off in an open field. In like New Mexico, I think.

Something like that. They just didn't care about the people who lived over there. They didn't care, yeah. And then they just had like six dicks for the rest of their life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the documentary is called Six Dicks.

The story of. Yeah. I think my. I'm trying to think. I just don't know. I don't think I could decide on like a favorite war crime, dude. Yeah. That is a good question. I just really need a list of the

war crimes yeah you know we need like a producer to pull up like a list of like like bombing a hospital's a war crime um yeah bombs are kind of cool but it's like it's just not good enough uh-huh you know what i mean yeah i'm thinking about like aids aids and then sometimes people be like well not wearing a uniform is a war crime yeah but come on yeah sometimes you don't have them what do you do not fight the war because we don't have matching shirts yeah you know you think ptsd is a war crime um no i think honestly man i'll just take it back to the pacific dude like shooting shooting innocent soldiers while they're taking a shit it's my favorite war crime yeah dude i um yeah blowing shit up just not exciting enough it happens too often right

enough it happens too often right um i mean nukes just hasn't happened enough yeah disease is just like probably the best option nowadays is to just spread like a flesh-eating disease because i think like inflicting a famine is probably a war crime if you intentionally yeah i wonder if like cyber warfare is like a war crime cyber warfare yeah? Yeah. What, if you hack their Gmail or something? Yeah. Yeah. You hack their eBay account. Because that's like what war is going to be in like 20 years. It's just like.

You think? With computers. I think that's what's going on right now. Yeah. China's just like looking at our nuts and shit. You know what I mean? No joke, dude. I don't know if you've experienced this.

China's going to hack our instagram and look at all the dms imagine being like a gullible guy though like an older guy who doesn't really like understand like the internet and stuff yeah and like looking at a porno and then you get that error that's like your phone is contaminated yeah and then like bringing your phone to apple and yourself yeah you bring your phone to apple. You kill yourself. You bang yourself. You bring your phone to Apple. You're like, yeah, I just have this error on my phone. Yeah.

Yeah. But dude, honestly, there's been like moments where I'll think about something. You're like, these single women want to fuck me. I've got a problem. How do I get them? How do I tell them no? You're like 75. Yeah.

Have you ever like thought about something though? Just in your head and then it pops up on your phone? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Cause that's happened to me a few times recently. Yeah. It's fucking creepy, man.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what that's about, but nothing crazy. It's like, I'm like, I need a new pair of headphones and they go, you want to buy some headphones? It's not like, um, you know. Really? Yeah. It's not like, here's some gay porn.

Because it recently happened to me, dude. I was thinking something, looked at my phone, and I just saw Helen Keller's tits, dude. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And that's what you're thinking about? Yeah. That's what I've been thinking about for like a year now. And you manifested it? Yeah. I think they're reading been thinking about for like a year now. Mm-hmm.

And you manifested it? Yeah. I think they're reading my mind, dude. I'm not going to lie. Uh-huh. Was it actually her tits? It was Helen Keller. Yeah.

I mean, I don't think they have any pictures of her tits. Oh, okay. That would be sick. Yeah. To jerk off to that. Yeah. It'd be like easy to get. Yeah. I mean, dude, I would jerk off to Helen Keller it'd be like easy to get yeah i mean dude i would jerk off to helen keller uh videos just in general you know what i mean yeah just her drinking water just for making sounds

yeah have you ever seen those no they're fucking hilarious their video i think they're fake i don't think they're real yeah yeah yeah i don't even think helen keller was a real person okay i think she was like a government conspiracy like interesting yeah yeah because what did she do fucking who fucking knows she was just fucked up shouldn't do shit she was just real fucked up she fucking made sounds no but it's kind of weird because it'll be like it'll be like um oh helen keller was the most disabled bitch that ever lived you know that's what you learned but then there's all these like quotes from helen keller i guess she learned how to like read and write and write books but what did she what was she what did she have to like what is the what is the quote so what was she was she like yeah

just like a bunch of sounds it'll just be like the the magic of persevering or whatever yeah it's just like 16 e's in a row yeah helen keller she's like farts i bet there's like a really inspiring story there we just refuse to to learn it yeah yeah we're just dudes we're not gonna fucking yeah but mullen has a joke about like uh women's history month and he's like they always teach you like amelia erhart and helen keller he's like he's like yeah the woman who was so bad at flying they never found her and the woman who was so disabled everyone was like damn

dude they do they do have videos of her of hel Helen Keller? Just like making sounds. Really? It's crazy, dude. Videos? Yeah, I think they're fake. You think they're fake? They're in black and white. Because she was around in like the 1800s, right? Yeah, I think like the year one or something. Should we Google the year one?

Yeah. Should we Google that? Helen Keller. Let's just look up a video of her speaking. This could be just like someone on Shutter Island, though. That's the thing. She died in 19... Oh, okay.

I thought she was from the 1800s. Yeah, we're going to watch this video. This is literally the funniest video I've ever seen in my life. Okay. Hold on. Okay. They're calling her the most disabled bitch in America. So there is video. I thought she was like... Well, she was born in 1880.

Yeah. I mean, this could literally just be someone in like an insane asylum. Right, right, right. I just want to hear her speak. Oh, here we go. Come on, Helen. Fucking say something. Oh, she speaks...

What, that's funny to you? You sick fuck? You understand that? No. Dude, that was... That was straight up fucking latin you're right i don't think that video is real that was dude that was way too clear of a video to okay it's probably real honestly but yeah yeah i guess she existed i don't know man that would be funny dude to just take like a fucking rosetta stone class though like in latin and that's it you know what i mean why

because it would just be like so meaningless right but like you could implement it like your son's like fucking career fair or something. Yeah. Yeah. Just learned some language nobody speaks. Yeah, they're like, this is Mike. Yeah. You just start spewing out Latin. All right, dude.

We'll wrap this up, man. Yeah, dude. Thank you for coming, bro. Oh, yeah. I didn't even fucking, I'm sorry. I didn't even publicize your special, dude. Oh, that's all right. I got a. I didn't even fucking, I'm sorry. I didn't even publicize your special, dude.

Oh, that's all right. I got a special on YouTube. It's called I'm Normal, if you want to check it out. Yeah, man. It was really good, dude. I watched it. Thanks. It's hilarious, dude.

Thanks. Check that out. And then you have anything coming up? Yeah, I got some dates coming up. I'm doing a show here in Astoria, New York, on the July 19th. And then I got Providence. I got San Jose, I got Chicago, and I got Rochester. And you can get tickets at MikeRacineComedy.com if you like live comedy. Fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah. Yeah, man. It was nice to meet you, bro. Yeah, you too. And then, yeah, I'll put this out on the Patreon early for everyone listening. Nice. Thank you guys for the support, and I'll see you out on the Patreon early for everyone listening thank you guys for the support and I'll see you guys

bye everybody