The Johnny Salami Podcast - Mo Mussa

Episode Date: August 3, 2022

Mo Mussa is a rising star who recently won the highly competitive 2021 Funniest Comic in New England contest. He’s cerebral with a powerful voice and a commending stage presence. He’s been featured at the Rogue Island Comedy Festival, and the High Tide Comedy Festival. He regularly performs at clubs all across New England.

ripe and ready you got your cut dude you go to super cuts or no no not super because i went to super cuts once it was old white dude i was because look i got sick of fucking waiting three hours you had to wait barber shops oh yeah so i went to that and this dude didn't know what his shape up was so he experimented on me and now they say no black so learn this lesson fast dude what's uh i mean dude i go to supercut so if i ask for a shape up there dude you know they would take out a fucking weed whacker you know what i'm saying yeah what do they charge you 70 bucks just to clip a couple times usually like you tell them what you want and they'll do like the exact opposite so it's tough man yeah because i go to this one next to uh it's next to like a marshall's back home

and uh dude just before i go in i have to listen to like death metal and like really get like emotionally prepared to go in there yeah because like anything could happen so you really have to like sack up dude yeah like dude i'll just go through this like roller coaster of emotions you know what i'm saying the whole cycle yeah it's like a grieving cycle dude before i get haircut yeah because you just you never know dude you know what i'm saying? The whole cycle. Yeah, it's like a grieving cycle, dude, before I get a haircut. Yeah. Because you never know, dude. You know what I'm saying? Might have to kill this person. Yeah, dude.

Especially if, like, you have, like, a lady you like or a man. You have a man that cut your hair? Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. So you have, like, a legit barber, dude. A woman can't drive. They can't cut my hair. What the fuck are we talking about now?

Not in my country. You know, I'm from Somalia. They don't do that shit. It's just emotional man like a chick if she got a fucking scissors in her hands what are we doing bitch i'm kidding relax dude no we'll clip that no dude but i'm happy to have you man um i can't believe dude you're you're from connecticut dude you drive yeah i'm all the way here from a, I'm a Connecticut guy from a highway, I-84.

Fuck yeah, dude. Where's that? West Hartford. So it's like 90 minutes south. It's a very state that's boring. Really? Isn't Hartford kind of like a hard area? No.

Really? So Connecticut is very similar to like California. So you could have a super rich town and then a fucking really shitty town. So there'll be like West Hartford and then Hartford. So Hartford will be the shitty one. Yeah. That's where they're popping off. That's where they're popping off.

Damn, dude. Kind of. Yeah. I almost, my little brother got robbed at gunpoint in New Haven. Oh shit. Yeah. New Haven sounds like a PC type area. Yeah, the gesture.

Just the name. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. They got a train there too, dude, so that. You big into trains? Yeah, I'm just putting the pieces together, dude. You know all the trains in the East Coast? Just an autistic.

Yeah, dude. I'm an autistic linebacker, dude. I'm putting the pieces together, bro. That's intense, dog. Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. New Haven sounds like. My mom was. She was born in Connecticut. linebacker dude i'm putting the pieces together bro that's intense dog yeah man new haven sounds like my mom was uh she was born in connecticut i didn't ask too many questions dude but you didn't ask the mom too many questions no dude she was uh she was born on a farm though

and went to like visit it once mad farms in connecticut weird i went to stores mad cows really hold on yeah dude i'll just be walking on the road bro you ever go to a farm yeah a couple in Connecticut. Fucking weird, man. I went to stores. Mad cows. Really? Whole lot. Shit, dude. I'll just be walking on the road. Bro, you ever go to a farm? Yeah, a couple times. Weird vibes, man. I went to one of those reenactments. Civil War?

Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. You participate or you just watch it? I was watching it. You cheering people on? They weren't paying good money. You got to pay me top dollar to pretend to be a slave. Dude, that'd be hilarious. One of my buddies, his friend, he does some of those.

And I guess they take them really serious, man. You have to like, there's tryouts and shit, dude. There's tryouts? There's like rules and regulations. How do you pronounce ****? Do you say it's smooth? Dude, imagine training for one of those things. You go on Xbox Live and see how many N-words you can drop in a minute.

That's the training program. See how many black kids you can kick out of West Harvard. See how many cities you can gentrify. Look, we used to take their land now we charge high rent to kick them out how many have you kicked out how many units do you think you could say that to like a chick with a straight face what well if you were on if you were on like a chili's day dude yeah and you were like yeah i'm training for a civil war you think you could say that with a straight face and then order like a two for 20 me personally yeah i feel like you could do it dude i could pull it off yeah i think you can as well yeah no i would take you're being serious but i could tell you're

being serious i know but she doesn't know oh he's quirky he has a good sense of humor well do that kind of make sense though that they have like rules and regulations for those things because like if you're training your whole life for like a civil war reenactment it might get a little at hand you know what i'm saying yeah like. Like real fucking swords. Imagine if some dude brought a fucking, like a real musket, dude. Yeah. A fucking real musket. He's just shooting dudes' legs off. Yeah.

Fucking. It's a whole lot of pride. You don't fight either. She's bringing in muskets, dude. I can't believe they have tryouts. Imagine getting cut. How much more of a better racist you would be if you got cut? How much self-hatred you'd have?

Yeah, they were like, this is too much. Yeah. Maybe that's what happened to Rittenhouse, Doug. Yeah, that's hilarious, man. I feel bad, though, dude. If that's your passion, dude, we shouldn't be bashing those dudes. If that's their hobby. Everyone has a right to be passionate about something, right?

Yeah, dude, you just got to fucking, sometimes it's hard to respect it. Imagine being a talented slave owner living today. You think you could publicly do that? No, but imagine if that was what you were supposed to do. So let's say everyone was supposed to do that. When you say talented, is that subjective or is it like a rating system? I would say, let's say it's subjective. I would say it's a rating system.

Yeah. Let's say they were just born a 10 out of 10 slave owner. Like family handed down or like? Just for whatever reason. They came out the mom's womb and was like, bitch, did I say you could have me? This nigga was just ready to give orders. Oh, shit. Yeah.

He was just born to do that shit. What do you think that guy would, I mean, he'd probably just be a company owner, a fucking business owner. Just doesn't pay people wages. I feel like back then you probably couldn't tell the telltale signs, but especially here in Boston, dude, you can see a fucking racist, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Just, like, the look on their face, bro.

Yeah. Yeah. Just, you know what, like, the biggest sign of a racist is, dude, is you ever go out with your boys, like, your black friends, and there's always that one dude like that one white dude who's like i love fucking black people dude it's like dude we're talking about the game you know what i'm saying like what are you kicked out the clip a long time ago it's like what are you doing right now dude like we were having a good conversation bro

you know we were all just chilling dude yeah you had to like let out your insecurities bro you know just tell everyone indirectly that you're racist. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's definitely, that's a good sign right there. I think, let's see, what is a good sign of a racist? Dude, signs in the front yard. Somebody with flags and shit, dude. The mustard flag?

Yeah, dude. The freedom flag? Like a Black Lives Matter fucking sign? Yeah. It's like, bro, you're hiding something. Like, what the fuck is that sign yeah it's like bro you're hiding something like what the what the fuck is that sign gonna do bro yeah you know what i'm saying yeah there's more fucking signs than black people you tell right now it's like dude do something else that how much was that sign bro you know i don't see them as much anymore yeah no they

definitely gave up yeah it's been gone a while all those all those things kind of vanish after like a short amount of time yeah things aren't as political anymore it's fucking good huh you really do you think so i don't know i've been paying attention i mean you're the dude i don't even know i don't nothing dude yeah i'm fucking lost dude you know what i'm saying i don't know what the fuck is going on dude anytime anyone says anything political i'm like all right i'll see you guys later what are you crazy you want to have a discussion right now what do you have in your mind you want to debate me i don't give a fuck yeah are you you like a political dude are you just kind of like no not at all i mean i think everyone became political during covid because everyone's bored

yeah you know i'm saying anything did not have to i don't know you had to it felt like everyone was coming with fucking talking points i worked at a bank at the time everyone would come in and they had their fucking political talking points yeah so it's almost like i had to study some shit just to be able to respond to some shit yeah dude or so i can't even be involved in the conversation so you can't just fucking you can't use this lobby as your propaganda chamber yeah you can't just come in here just say a bunch of crazy shit now i gotta be like well no technically trump did it is gay xyz yeah i don't know you know what i mean you know what dude what i do

is i usually just say like confusing shit you know what i'm saying yeah just in general like dude if you ever want to avoid like confrontation because like dude me personally i look what i'm saying yeah just in general like dude if you ever want to avoid like confrontation because like dude me personally i look like i'm going to cause a genocide so like i'm usually pretty good at like avoiding confrontation you think you look like you're going to cause a genocide yeah i mean dude people see the walmart polo you know just me with a straight face like failing to communicate with everyone around me you do look like you was like holding the tiki torches yeah like one of them i look like a dude who like eats crayons but like also knows like the da vinci code and you take all the black ones out yeah and i fucking eat them dude white crayons you look like da vinci code i look like a dude who like people think is like disabled for like

years at a time and then one day i just i let it out like just think is like disabled for like years at a time. And then one day I just, I let it out. Like just the Da Vinci code, like the answer to life. People's brains just start blowing off, dude. You know what I'm saying? Like goodwill hunting, just like a random genius out of like, just smoked weed one day and cured your retardism. Whatever the fuck your down syndrome. Yeah, dude. Imagine that.

Imagine if you were born with downs and you smoked pop one day. And you got cured. Yeah. yeah dude just imagine that imagine if you were born with downs and you smoked pop one day you got cured yeah do you think it would be like you think if somebody with down smoked weed would be like aggressive or they would kind of just like mellow out a little bit i think they yeah i think they'd be more subdued and more retarded really yeah damn dude you don't think would have like a counteracting effect they just start like speaking in complete sentences i mean dude imagine like you know all those marvel movies i mean like speed peter pan was like bitten by the spider yeah and then he became the spider-man this dude just took a strand and became normal

that's a fucking that's a good movie idea dude that would offend a lot of people dude but dumb and dumber four yeah they just become normal psychedelic spell four wrong paramount plus you ever think about making your own movie like if you could make one movie what would be like the central idea oh that's a great question. Huh. I think probably some sort of sci-fi heist movie. I think that'd be cool as shit. Shit. Dude, like Taken, but like fucking Aliens?

Yeah. I think that's because, look, everything's been done. Really? So you got to add some cool shit that hasn't been done into the formula that already works. If you had like your own, like you didn't have to go through like an agency that was like, this is, we can put this out there. Like you could just do whatever you want,

dude. If I could do whatever I want, I'd get the money and keep it. I'd take all the fucking, and I'd take that shit and I wouldn't make a movie. You would like, you'd schedule a showing. I would do a real heist.

I'd be like, look, I'm going to sell, I'm going to make a heist. Oh shit, dude. And then I'm real heist. I'd be like, look, I'm going to make a heist movie. Oh, shit, dude. But it's like real life. Yeah, I'm just going to take it. And then that's breaking the fourth wall. That's romantic, dude. And then I should win awards off of that.

Damn, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah. A heist without a gun. Fuck, dude. Yeah. In real life. That would be my dream.

That would mind fuck some people, dude. Would you get it on tape or just be in your mind? It would have to be on tape. So I'd have a little camera crew following similar to that. Yeah. Just like, you know, what's that movie with the fucking long haired guy who's like the worst movie ever? You know the movie I'm talking about? The James Franco, the sexual harassment guy.

Yeah. He did that fucking movie. The guy, you heard that movie? Like The Room? guy yeah he did that fucking movie the guy you heard that movie like the room it's like the worst movie made ever but he'd have like a camera crew following him so i'd have somebody following me watching negotiations yeah and the movie would be called heist honestly originally i thought you were talking about like eagle eye no that's a throwback huh was that shia labeouf yeah bro eagle eye yeah dude shia used to slap with shit like

that yeah dude what do you think happened to him man i think he's got too much pussy i think yeah dude i think he got petered out 15 what'd he start 14 yeah you know i mean 14 15 16 yeah he was on that uh even steven show dude right yeah you can't be. Was he or no? He was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was him. Yeah, I was a big fan. Yeah. He's killing it at like 12. Yeah. So he had a good run a decade.

Yeah. Do you ever think about that, dude? Like what happens to like famous people that makes them go like nuts? I mean, even just watching comedy, typically if a kid gets in early, they'll be fucking done by 28. You think so? A lot of times. Yeah.

They'll either be really really really good or really really good into drugs yeah whether you know i mean there's every now and then the pete davidson's yeah who'll get up 17 get famous but there's a whole there's like a thousand behind pete davidson yeah doing heroin i feel you dude yeah yeah that makes sense it must be a mixture of things dude probably just have no privacy. Yeah. Like, imagine, like, jerking off and just thinking that someone's watching you. Yeah.

But, like, you have that feeling all the time. Yeah, imagine just getting used to the red carpet and that's not exciting. Yeah, dude. Because, like, those super rich people, man, like, they need, like, crazy shit to, like, turn them on. Yeah. I mean, because, because look his brain developed when he was already living the life yeah he's already used to that he saw some stuff that people didn't see for the next 15 years of their life dude yeah so his dopamine's all fucked up yeah

i feel that sometimes dude you ever go out and you're like you ever go to a comedy show and you have like the time of your life and then you you go out just like a regular, like a bar or something. You're like, this isn't it, dude. Yeah, I mean, bars are fucking boring as shit. Especially if you're not like super sober sexy, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? If you're hot enough, just being around liquor is fun.

Yeah. People drink. Like, look, this is what a bar is. There's a couple. There's a few hot people in there everyone else is the background characters to those people that makes sense that's what a bar is it's like a big swing and dick competition but there's only one big swing and dick yeah there's yeah yeah yeah there's like three hot guys yeah three hot girls and everyone else is just

there we're like in their way it's like a maze for them to find each other. And they're just sifting through. They don't know it either. They don't know. They're just going to keep coming back. That's a human algorithm. I'm thinking that one day they'll be at the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They just never make it, dude. Got to have a lot of game. Got to start grifting the system. Yeah. No, dude. Fuck bars, man. I get so sick from them, dude. Got to have a lot of game. Got to start grifting the system. Yeah. Oh, dude, fuck bars, man. I get so sick from them, dude. It's such a waste of money.

It's fucking, like, I went to Disney World, whatever, that charts like 20 bucks for a hot dog beer. Truly, I paid like 12 bucks. Yeah. It's like two gallons of gas for a Truly. You know what I'm saying? That's a $2 drink. That's a $2 can. Yeah, if you think of it, like, from a two dollar drink that's a two dollar can yeah if you think of it like from a business perspective it's like dude these guys are good profit margins is incredible yeah they on that indian convenience store shit we were just talking about is that

recorded if it is i'll definitely i'll put it i'll put it on linkedin dude i fucking hate linkedin because i can't figure out how to delete my old profile oh really yeah you call back in the day dude somebody uh took my profile and um so look when i was a kid like 17 i was in a pyramid scheme i was a dumb fucking kid i saw that i was like oh yeah i'm gonna make some money yeah so i started telling all my friends and i lost all my I was a dumb fucking kid. I saw that. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm going to make some money. Yeah. So I started telling all my friends and I lost all my friends. Immediately lost.

Still can't go to high school graduation. I mean, was it reunion? I won't even show my face. They're like, dude, you really stole $200 from me? You really try to sell me vitamins, Doug? What's wrong with you? You can't do that. Jesus.

You know what I mean? That was the scheme was vitamins? Yeah. Shit, dude. Like GNC type stuff? Yeah. No, dude, they'd be like, oh, these got enzymes. I don't know what the fuck enzymes are, so they sound majestic.

You know what I mean? But at the end of the day, no one gives a fuck about the product. It was just like you join and then I make money and then you get someone else to join and they make money you know what I mean yeah that's genius though dude you were on another level bro

you know that right talk back in the day in high school dude I had absentees so you heard that game assassins alright so back in the day in high school dude i had absentee so you heard that game assassins yeah all right so back in the day i organized assassins so they gave me the money and i just stopped responding to everyone are we talking about like the water gun yeah yeah we have to like find yeah yeah so the winner ends up winning like majority of the pool like 90 and like the

organizer is supposed to take like five percent i just took 95 and i just paid off a couple people who were like asking questions where's my money it's like all right this guy's gonna be a problem just hush hush money i learned about hush hush money early like pat i remember this getting mike it's mike shaftman dude you know how dumb i was at 17 like if you told me that you know how excited i would be bro i remember when i was buying my first car dude i found a fucking toyota tundra on craigslist sounds like such a cool name for five grand dude oh this dude was like yeah just wire me the money he gives me like this european bank information bro i legitimately believed him i told my mom i was like mom toyota tundras go for like 40k i can get this for 5k

i'm shocked they didn't get you in the national guard i was like dude if i'm driving around in a toyota tundra four-wheel drive in high school dude i'm gonna be popping fatties, bro. You know what I'm saying? You're going to be fucking just road dope. Yeah, dude. Fuck the plows, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Winter time, dude. People are going to be asking me for rides. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm just going to be driving people around getting high. You're a big weed guy.

No, back then I was, dude. Back then you was crushing the fucking. Just blowing donuts in fucking Red Lobster parking lots, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You ever get in any tremendous accidents? I've never been in a...

Actually, I got in a fucking Amazon accident. I worked for Amazon during COVID. They gave me this white rapist van. It was like a third-party van, dude. So I would be dropping off packages in like local neighborhoods like suburban vicious yeah just going 40 and like 25 just blast and like fucking rock you like a hurricane by the scorpions again pumped up yeah dude and i would have to do like 200 tops a day but whenever i rolled in the neighborhoods they

were like all right like lock the doors like get inside there would be like legitimate families like playing with their kids on the front lawn. And they'd go inside. They would sprint inside, dude. Wow. It was like a white rapist van. It was like a third-party van. But I worked for Amazon.

Dude, Amazon's fucked, man. They're fucked up people, dude. They're like, if you don't finish your stops, you're done. You know what I mean? You have to finish your stops. Life is over. We. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you have to finish your stops. Your life is over. We'll kill you. They'll blow up the whole fucking building.

We got your mom's neck. They were, like, super serious about it, dude. So, like, in the winter, man, when there's storms and stuff, it sucks. You know what I mean? Like, they'll lower the stops, but it's, like, you still have to finish, bro. So, I remember I was, like, it was, like, a late night and like it was uh there was a storm coming like a snow storm like i finished right in the middle of the storm dude so i'm the highway and the plows aren't even out yet and uh dude i just went flying into a guardrail oh shit spun out dude and it's weird dude because

i didn't really feel anything you know what i'm saying yeah like when i was going on the rail i thought i'd be like oh this is it like i'm gonna die done but i was like ah fucking man you know fucking elevated heart pressure nothing maybe a little bit you know pretty much cold as a whistle cold as a snow on that fucking yeah bro i thought i would have felt more but i was like you know what dude i lived a good life you know you got killer genes dude so i hit this fucking guardrail fucking jordan hit this fucking guardrail and just spun out dude and i was like facing traffic but i was on the side so and dude i called amazon i was like hey i just got in a car accident and this dude was like oh shit like he goes he goes oh shit like is the van okay it is you got two more stops i swear to god he said that dude i quit i quit a week later man wow yeah didn't ask me like if i

was okay he was like he's a i was like your van's fucking total dude and if it's not told i'm gonna total it right now the way the nerve the audacity to ask me about this van what a corporate i like i like got out of the van to check if it was total i was like this will do it yeah and if it wasn't i would have just kept just backing into the fucking rail just continuously just backing up smart man fuck them yeah they deserve it fuck them i thought about just like climbing to the top of the van and like just doing a backflip breaking my back and just like suing the company oh is that not smart i got a couple months next time i'm here i got another story i can't for legal purposes i can't share this

but in the future i will you know i mean eyes, dude, recently, bro, I got in a tremendous accident last year. Oh, shit. Last fall, I was living in southern Connecticut. I'm on the highway, so I'm going I-91 north. Who gives a fuck? But I'm minding my business. I'm off of work. It's like 530.

Yeah. I'm driving maybe 50 miles per hour. So the highway, it started to narrow down. So that means you got to lower the mile per hour. So 50 is fine. 65 is cool. 70 excessive. This guy, I'm in the outermost right lane, right?

It's the slow lane. This Honda comes out of nowhere flying 90 jesus hits me directly almost like he was a car assassinator like there was no way he completely decks the the rear bumper the left rear bumper i completely lose all control my car swivels into the guardrail so that means i'm from the right slow lane to the guardrail i got lucky because these two other cars were coming and i just narrowly they just narrowly missed me jesus completely his car did a fucking somersault in the air what he got out of the car ran away that. What? Dude. That's fucking wild.

Hit and run. They didn't find him until the next morning. It wasn't even a stolen vehicle. It was his wife's vehicle. Damn, dude. Yeah. What do you think the argument was like? I think he was, that argument, I'm going to look it up, but I think she's dead now.

Damn. Yeah. It wasn't like a murder-suicide? He just killed her? No. He didn't even do the Chris Benoit. Fuck, dude. You got to do that, man. You got to have some self-respect.

Have some fucking dignity, dude. You know what I mean? You can't just ruin your wife's car and then send her to the grave. You're an asshole. It's not chivalry. Imagine how much of an asshole you have to be to do that. Just shoot your wife in the head. just make a fucking omelet dip go to work walk to work how much hatred you have to have what a dick yeah what an asshole like what type of argument

i should have been able to fuck his wife yeah i mean that would be dude that would be like the best intro to a porno yeah dude you know how hard i would be if i watched that that'd be my movie idea yeah that's the first scene yeah oh shit yeah that's the movie idea so i get attacked right this guy fucks my car up and he's like look, look, don't call the cops. Okay. But I got to fuck your wife. Damn. He's like. And that's the first cuckold. That's how cuckoldry.

Dude, half the theater would leave, but the other half would be like, I'm in this. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Split in half, dude. You don't want everyone on the same page. No. Yeah. You want people horrified or in love. Dude, I'd be so emotionally invested in that, dude. You don't want everyone on the same page. No. Yeah. You want people horrified or in love.

Dude, I'd be so emotionally invested in that, dude. Yeah. Especially if it was a porno, dude. Because, like, the porno acting is just, they got to spice that up too, dude. But. There's almost no dialogue needed. Yeah. Because it's just a fucking action show.

It's all rhetorical, dude. Yeah. You know what's going to happen. Yeah. Yeah, we know what's happening. As as he's yeah like dude i don't want to see todd take out his dick at a family barbecue bro you know what i mean i want to see some cars flip dude yeah some murder dude it's good for the fucking yeah get some blood going hard as a rock bro yeah the circulation going dude that would be i think about that all the

time dude because like if i ever made a movie it would never be able to be published. It would just be so confusing. So many different plot threads. Leading into nothing. It would start off as a sci-fi and then go into a religious film. It just wouldn't make any sense. It would just be like a cartoon. Yeah. There comes an animation in the middle.

And then an infomercial well dude i always told myself i ever made a movie i would always want the first scene to be the best the best part of it start strong yeah but i would honestly like dude i would want to make a super confusing movie just to like videotape the theater like their facial reactions like dude you know funny that would be like a dude just opens up It's like a like in the comedy specials. They show the people laughing. Yeah You remember when the dude you remember when the Exorcist came out? Yeah. Have you ever seen the theater footage? So that's like the scariest movie all time, I mean I think yeah

They have like back in the day when they when they fucking premiered that, there's videos of people going to the theaters. They all just fucking leave, dude. Like, most of them are like, fuck this, I'm out. Dude, that's some pussy shit. Yeah, dude. You bought the ticket. Bro, I mean, that's like. You have no respect for money.

I mean, back then, though. It's like even food on the table. But think about it. Back then, dude, they had never seen anything like that. Imagine that someone's like, I'm going to make a fucking scary movie about a chick getting possessed by the devil. Was it the first possession movie? I think so, man.

Because that shit used to be scary as fuck. Dude, I fucking shit myself when I saw The Exorcist as a child. Dude, when I was mad religious, that sort of shit, that fucked me up. Now it's cool. It's like, dude, you can exercise a chick. You're fucking awesome. Now you see you're like, nah, dude, that's just contortionism. That's not even real shit.

Dude, guys back in the day had it so easy. If your chick was like, was like thinking about getting a divorce honey did a demon possess your soul what no i just want to divorce demon dude god was the greatest wingman of all time it's true man yeah you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You're right, man. You think a lot of dudes use that as leverage? Absolutely. Yeah. I never thought of that.

I'm going to be honest. I never thought of that. It's the greatest wingman of all time. You'd even have to argue with chicks back in the day. Yeah, dude. Guys always lose arguments

because we did not evolve to argue with women. We had God do it for them. Yeah, you had God's word, dude. If she makes a mistake dude you disagree yeah page 11 she does something wrong you're like what would jesus do page 14 yeah read the text yeah dude you had to reference it too man and people don't even like to read how many women are gonna fact check when i was a kid growing up my one grandma every aunt had a different rule yeah it was like they

say the word haram that means uh it's a sin so they all had their own sin so they all use god as an excuse for what they didn't want to do yeah one grandma didn't want us to play on the trampoline because she didn't want to stay out and watch us in the sun so she said jumping is haram like what i mean dude that kind of translates into today like the manipulation factor yeah you know i feel like it might be a little harder today because people kind of like see through it you know what i mean like you ever talk to someone you're like dude i know what you want yeah you feel like that yeah you feel like everyone's trying to sell you on something yeah it's like what do you want man just tell me you know like are we gonna talk about farts or like what's going on anything happened recently where someone was trying to

you know dazzle you no oh sometimes it happens with the podcast dude yeah yeah dude it's weird man somebody i've never talked to before they'll be like dude i saw your podcast bro i really liked it man be cool if i could come on i'm like dude i just met you four seconds ago you didn't ask me how i was dude you didn't ask me about my childhood dude we didn't even talk yeah we didn't even talk about the weather dude no you want me to have you on my podcast you cut right to the fucking pocket you want to hang dog yeah i don't even know you want to use me right? Yeah. I don't even know what kind of food you like.

You want to use me right out of the gate, dude? Yeah. What am I getting out of this, bro? Yeah, you're going to put some wear on my fucking nice leather chair. Yeah, bro, you're going to bring

a fucking salad bar, dude? Yeah. Because if so, I'll have you on. You're the salad guy. No, but that would be sick, dude. You're a herbivore. If some dude was like,

I'm going to bring a salad bar and you can just have it. Negotiation is close. He just, dude, he'll refill it for me like every podcast episode yeah i'd be like dude comes your first sponsor your fucking first fucking herbivore sponsor having a sponsor would be cool man like ben hogan like this yeah it's a fucking it's a fucking dope shirt like dude when you start getting sponsors like i'm sure you'll make

it one day and shit like when you have sponsors dude don't you want it to be something like you're passionate about versus like some bullshit where you're like i don't even use this i would like to be sponsored by a mlm pyramid scheme how funny would that be like a like a money laundering like tech system i would do it so back in the day in Connecticut, there used to be a club called Joker's Wild, where it was the only club, if they sold tickets, like if you produced a show there and you sold tickets, they'd be like, stop.

This is a money laundering operation. It was run by some fringe mob. What? Yeah, yeah. For real? Yeah, Joker's Wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

So they closed it down? Yeah, it's done now. Because of that reason? I don't remember? Yeah. Joker's Wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. So they closed it down? Yeah, it's done now. Because of that reason? I don't remember. This is before my days. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because I've heard of that place.

Yeah, it used to be a fucking money laundering operation. So if you sold tickets, they'd get upset. Holy shit. You got to cut this out. We're a business, but not that type of business. They're like, where are we going to hide this money? Comedy to fucking sell. Flush heroin.

Dude, you and I got to go. If they have a backyard or something, they might have some shit buried back there. Yeah, they got a couple fucking lost souls. Like a fucking tomb, dude. Just filled with like 500K. Imagine that, dude yo i remember what i'm driving by new haven and i see one of the billboards it's like dude wanted yeah rape murder reward 5 000 like chase after this rapist murder for five cheese pay off one eighth of my student loans tackle this

what are you talking about yeah that would probably be like like before tax too yeah yeah after tax would be like 50 bucks yeah you fucking make 1900 you got a bullet wound you got to go to fucking the through the health care system and pay

$19,000 for lacerations fucking you're losing so much money just trying to fight this guy dude if you don't have health insurance you know fucked you are you're done i just found that out like a month ago my friend was asking me he was like dude you do propitia i was like no but clearly he's asking me because he's trying to you know so i was like you got health and my first like, you got health insurance? My first question was, you got health insurance? He was like, no. Well, if you're going to take this hair product, you're going to have to get a blood test, check your testosterone levels. Yeah.

She could fuck it all up. Now you don't got a dick. Propecia's like hair. All that hair shit will end up, you know, giving that low libido, fucking the whole game up for you. Damn. You ever think about doing T, testosterone? If I get a new sales job?

Yeah, 100%. I'm getting on that juice, Doug. Really? Yeah, get a big... Straight up tea? Straight up tea. Like fucking macro dosing? When you look at me, you're like, he doesn't even have to ask for consent.

Really? Shit, dude. That's another level, bro. That's the next level, yeah. You saw that comedian Kamal Nanjiani? Yeah. Okay, did you see what he used to look like? Yeah, he's on fucking steroids, bro. That's the next level, yeah. You saw that comedian Kamal Nanjiani? Yeah. Okay, did you see what he used to look like? Yeah, he's on fucking steroids, obviously.

Crazy steroids. Oh, dude, yeah. He's fucking Indian Superman now. No, I think I'd test whatever my levels were and get to whatever the average above average is. You think your testosterone levels right now are like all right? I think they're probably mad low, dude. You have to get tested, right? Yeah, I like yeah like a legitimate can you go to a doctor like your primary physician you go to fucking one of those like a target yeah it's turning into a

mental health information i mean so dude you should go to like that'd be funny if you want to target into like the bed bath fucking section yeah you're like hey i'm looking to get my t tested we could tell you you're here. It's slow. Dude, I was at work yesterday. Dude, there's a place in Virginia called Goochland. Goochland? Yeah, bro. Imagine, like.

Sounds like smelly piss. I just wanted to, like, that has nothing to do with anything we're talking about. I just wanted to let you know that. Goochland in Virginia. Yeah. Imagine, like, being an out-of-towner. Someone's like, oh, where are you from? You're like, Goochland? Yeah.

They're like, all right, I'm going to gonna head out fucking some smelly hip pits yeah but dude honestly man i've been you ever think about when you're getting like when you start to get old to the point where like shit starts to hurt bro yeah you just got fat ass milk titties you think then you'd be like all right it's time to take some tea or do you think it would mess too much with like your emotions at that point it's a trade-off you got to get rid of the titties fuck the emotions because you're gonna look at them titties and get sad so you don't want that what if it affected your comedy though dude like mid-set you just started bawling your eyes out dude that'd be a great act out it's like dude earthquakes in boston and i was And I was like, what? It's fucking awesome.

That was fucking awesome, bro. Oh, dude, pictures literally fall down. Like a fucking exorcist in here. I like this motivational quote. That's such a white woman thing right there. I don't know what it fucking says. Dude, my mom got me that, bro. It's fucking beautiful, bro.

It's fucking awesome. Yeah. I don't even know what it says, dude, but it looks like, you know. Bro, I mean, getting on T is definitely the move if you got some milkers going, bro. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to have some fucking big-ass tits when I'm older. You think you'd have girls lick them? I mean, dude, my posture just isn't good in general.

So, it's only, like, I can only maintain these tits for so long. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to be, like. You're making me paranoid about the fucking ratio. I just don't want to be, like, that making me paranoid about the fucking ratio. I just don't want to be like that dude who's like 30, dude. Just like maxing out benching and I just fucking like both of my shoulders tear. Oh. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, no, you just fucking... I don't even know why I just said that. Like, I would never do that. It's a real fear, man. We're just discussing real fears. Yeah, no. That doesn't even make any sense, though. Dude, why would I max out at 30 on the bench?

If I'm in that situation, I should probably be like, my life's over you think so yeah for sure 30 is a scary year ain't it 30 i feel like i should be doing like kettlebell swings with like 15 pounds getting a good sweat going dude yeah then just hit the sauna the gd yeah talk about my 401k yeah with the boys in there i was in a fucking sauna the other day, and this dude, I fucking briefly opened the fucking, I leave something in there. Yeah. I open the door. I'm like, oh, shit. I go back in.

And this motherfucker's like, you know the temperature just dropped 15 fucking Fahrenheit. It's like, nigga, what do you want to fight in the sauna right now? What are you, crazy? This dude was out of, this dude, people are fucking crazy. He was talking greasy as shit. I was like,

you know, if we go to jail, if we fight, that's going to cost us both 20,000 for 15 degrees. Do you know how much getting a fight costs?

Yeah. You got to pay a lawyer every month to get it off your record. Now you got a second mortgage just to hide that you got your ass whipped if you if you know the trade-off though if you're like if i just put this dude in a headlock and no one notices yeah if you're one of those dudes like some spider-man type shit yeah i feel like you might be a little shit yeah dude you can can just fucking knock someone out with your fucking quarter chub.

Yeah. Yeah. Fucking just sneak up on someone, just like tap them with your dick. They just go to sleep. That'd be fucking superpower, dude. If you just tap someone with a chub and they go to sleep. Imagine being one of those dudes who goes to like a fucking family. Cosby chub.

Oh, shit, dude. Tap and you sleep. Yeah, dude. There's some crazy dudes out there, man, who can just tap you out with their pinky fucking, you know? Yeah. They'll just choke you out with this. Like an Aikido master. Yeah. And you just wouldn't even understand what happened.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I used to, dude. The amount of freedom. Dude, the amount of freedom you would have if you always knew. Yeah. I have bail money ready to go. What type of money are we talking right now?

Like billions? No. I mean, that's different. You could just go. I could just shoot you on camera. You're like, you don't fuck your podcast, douchebag. Bah! He's dead.

What are you going to do? so we're talking like millions but i think if you got a cold 10 inflation's pretty high bro so 13 yeah you got 13 mil yeah it's good money yeah you could get away with bludgeoning someone publicly yeah you know you might lose a good chunk of that though you might lose i mean dude, it would depend who it was. You know what I'm saying? If they also have big dick money. Yeah. But if it's just, like, a middle class individual, like, they're fucked.

Yeah. I think. Oh, man, dude. Like, that guy. If I had $13 million in my bank account, he would have got bludgeoned. And I would have paid the other guys. Be like, look. If you say anything,

I'll kill your family. I got bail money. The amount of freedom someone has is bail money. It's incredible. I think that's my new goal. That's my vision board. That's my dream. Really?

To have bail money. You're into the green, huh? The green. That's what I want now. I just realized through this conversation, I'm now into the green. Shit, dude. You know what would be funnier, though, if like you didn't have a lot of money and you said that yeah you have like a broken down civic i'm driving a rental right now my life is done you're like dude if you ever say shit like that again, I'll fucking kill your family. Just throwing fucking threats.

Your car breaks down in the gym parking lot. Your exhaust pipe just falls off. Dude, I've been looking for cars in the market so hard right now. Oh, really? It's brutal. The country's fucked. Yeah. The car market's crazy.

Yeah, you're better off just getting a bike. Yeah, at this point, I might as well fucking bike from Connecticut to fucking, I might as well just move to Boston tomorrow. I mean, dude, you are in Boston a lot, right? Might as well. I'm going to move here for a few months, I think, then go to maybe New York and move to the internet, the fucking metaverse. Yeah. I was thinking about just like traveling into another dimension, dude. Yeah, interstellar.

People wouldn't even know. Like, dude, if right now, I was like, dude, I'm actually wouldn't even know. Like, dude, if right now, I was like, dude, I'm actually from a different dimension. Like, can't argue with me. I wouldn't be, I wouldn't have the expertise to tell you where you're at. Be like, dude, I know who you are

in your other life. Okay? That'd be fucking, dude. Imagine if you hit that pickup line. Yeah. Imagine if you were high as fuck and I said that to you. Get mad paranoid.

Yeah. What was that like? The train goes goes by fucking pictures fall down yeah you see you started fucking telling about reincarnation see how you are now yeah damn dude you were bad bro that's why you imagine being high as fuck dude and i told you the da vinci code and you just couldn't remember it. Dude, what? Okay, okay. I haven't seen the movie in maybe a decade and a half. Yeah.

What is the Da Vinci Code again? I know the movie. I know Tom Hanks was in it. What is that? Yeah, it's like, honestly, dude, I'm like retarded, so. Dude, so back in middle school, I watched the movie Fight Club. Is that with Channing Tat tatum no no that's what he's in a badass fighter movie though he really is yeah i saw that fight club movie and

i was like i need to recreate this so i would just scream fight club and then we'd all fight and then wow i fucking um i figured out i could just stab kids with pencils wow i started shanking kids with pencils damn dude a lot just for no reason or just stab kids with pencils. Wow. I started shanking kids with pencils. Damn, dude. A lot. Just for no reason or just like kids who like you hated? If you don't do this, bam. Damn.

But I didn't know how painful it was until someone held me down and shanked me like four times. And that was my biggest life lesson in empathy. It was so painful I never did it again. Shit, dude. Yeah. That's what it took, too, was to tie you down and fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

Still one kid to this day hates me. What type of kid were you, man? Because I was like, I mean, dude, you were right. I drew a lot of dicks. This dude who's a real estate agent now, we were in the same middle school class together. He was a really mature man and i remember like one class dude i just took like 30 sheets of blank paper dude i would just draw like a massive dick and i would just hand it to him

you just hand out dicks to everyone in the class it was just him i would just hand it to him and i kept doing it over and over every day he's just looking at the new car same class dude that's the only way he comes now there's a sheet of paper with a cock i did i honestly i just wanted to laugh yeah and like eventually he broke eventually he laughed what was it he laughed on like the 30th dick oh wow he was. He was like, oh, I get it. Like, you just want me to laugh. Nobody else found it funny, dude. It was fucking disturbing. It was fucking wild, dude.

You're just wasting paper. You're killing trees to choke out your cock. Dude, you ever draw dicks, though? Like, it provides you with a sense of like, just a feeling that's just like. It's an artistic expression it's art man yeah everybody draws their own dick like a different way too you know imagine like george bush you saw that fucking he had those uh the paintings you know he's like big into art now yeah imagine if he just had an art book of just different cocks of different middle

eastern people he's killed he was just drawing them instead of immigrant faces. Dude, do you know how much, like, you would increase ticket sales at art galleries if there was, like, cocks? Yeah. Like, not pictures of cocks, but, like, handmade cocks. I'm surprised those runways, they just don't walk on with a strap on.

I mean, they're wearing everything else crazy. Why not? Isn't that shocking they haven't done that yet? I'm surprised those runways, they just don't walk on with a strap on. I mean, they're wearing everything else crazy. Why not? Isn't that shocking they haven't done that yet? Just a chick with a fucking, fucking, fucking whatever the fuck. Long fucking articles of clothing and a strap on. I'm surprised Julia Fox hasn't had that yet. Just like a crystal strap on cock. Imagine watching like the ESPYs with your family.

You just see like fucking uh julia roberts walk down the red carpet just completely naked with a strap on dude you just need someone popular to do it if kanye did it people would do it yeah if kanye tomorrow made a fucking rap album with a strap on on his forehead people would start wearing strap-ons on their forehead dude dude. You don't think so? No, absolutely. 100%, dude. I think he wouldn't

because there's too many gay rumors about him. So I don't think he would. I think it'd have to be a feminist movement. Like, bring the free the nipple back and the strap-on. It was like, all right, we'd rather see the nipple than the strap-on. Strap-on on the forehead, though, it's a different level of commitment, dude.

That's some different dimension shit. Imagine if you come back after an acid trip and you're like, they wear their hats like this. You just start headbutting people. And you find that guy with the fucking 30 papers and you just find him like a woodchuck. Imagine seeing a gang that wears strap-ons on their foreheads. Just like the baddest dudes alive.

Just M16s with... Dude. You have to not laugh or they'll kill you. That's fucking... That's scarier than that. That's all you'd be thinking about. You're like, dude, if I laugh right now, they're going to pop off. They're going to stab me.

They will fucking forehead-rate my ass. One of those gangs that just fire off in the air, too. They're like, I ain't gay, motherfucker. You think this makes me gay right here? They always do that, too. They harass you. Like, you think I'm gay, motherfucker? That'd be the fucking most terrifying gang of all time.

Oh, dude. Yeah. That'd be badass, though, dude. Like, if you think about it. That'd be fucking incredibly badass. The amount of balls that it takes. Dude. Yeah. That'd be badass, though, dude. Like, if you think about it. That'd be fucking incredibly badass. The amount of balls that takes. Dude. Yeah.

People would, like, I wouldn't laugh, but, like, I would think in my head, like, dude, those are the baddest dudes alive. I mean, back in the day, the dudes who used to dance were also the thugs. Yeah. So thugs were really good at, like, pop dancing. Yeah. And they were dancing at, like, rollerblading places, too, dude. They were dancing on rollerblades.

You know how gay that is? They were doing some gay shit, but they didn't fuck around. Yeah. You know how happy I am you can rollerblade now? How much? Yeah. Bro. You big, right?

You know how fun rollerblading is, dude? Yeah, bro. Back in the day, you could do it as a child, dude. Car for five years ago, dude, if someone saw me rollerblading in the park. What's wrong with this guy? Yeah, my reputation man yeah this guy should have a strap on his forehead exactly dude don't work you know fun rollerblading is dude you've ever been rollerblading i can't say fucking field trips dude you ever go to like field trips i've dabbled in a few yeah i think you just need to explore what it's like, dude. Go buy a pair, dude.

Yeah. Get some fucking rollerblades. Well, dude, honestly, the best part about rollerblading is, like, watching people who don't know how to rollerblade. Yeah. Trying to learn. Watching someone trying to learn is always exciting. Exactly, dude.

You know? I mean, dude, we used to go to United Skates of America, dude. No, that's not how you do it. This is how you do it. Yeah. And just show them the wrong way. Bro, imagine seeing someone that's arrogant as fuck, that you've hated your whole life, fall on rollerblades in front of like 400 people.

Bro. What's better than that? I'm starting to think strap on in the forehead, we could sell it as like a helmet safety device. Yeah. Like what would our demographic be though? Demographic would be guys and women in their 40s. Wow. 35.

That's a big demographic too. Yeah, that 35, the same people that watch like Fox and CNNnn that demographic so we'd be hitting both sides of the spectrum yes it would be like a universal instrument yeah for the masses that would be like our marketing scheme yeah we'd be like listen politics are stupid if you're on the left or the right this is for you yeah this is how we're going to bring people together. Unity. Yeah. And then what would the next scene be?

Just like you with a strap on on your forehead? It's like a fucking erectile dysfunction commercial. Really? Your dick doesn't work? Yeah. I bet your neck does. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah.

How would you make it hard, though? We would have to hire some technicians. How do you make the strap on hard. Yeah. How would you make it hard, though? We would have to hire some technicians. How do you make the strap-on hard? It comes hard. It's always ready. Oh, yeah. Well, some of them do. Yeah.

Wait, they don't all come on? I'm not... Yeah, what is that called, the soft one? People buy soft strap-ons? Just like a fister, maybe? No, a fister wouldn't be soft. Dude, there's no soft strap-ons. I mean, the ones that the girls play with, dude.

I'm probably thinking of the ones that girls sit on. They put on stationary bikes. Just find out every girl in class has a dildo in her. Imagine seeing that at the local gym dude some chicks hopping on the fucking stationary bike just plops it down yeah that's an even better marketing pitch dude that is a way better yeah enjoy the workout it's like you think the bike is boring you want some motivation yeah run away from an orgasm some motivation yeah run away from an orgasm

you got some good ideas man i think we can really put some shit together yeah we're fucking crushing the game right now we just have too many good ideas we just need to narrow it down to one that's a good idea the action's the hardest part bro nah man i definitely think uh some sort of actress should wear a strap on to the red carpet that'd be a game changer you think like when you're older like obviously you have like dreams and aspirations dude like you think you you could be like a a figure that people look up to absolutely not i have an inspirational thing in me it's like if you make it you're just gonna be like off the wall yeah fucking shit up yeah kids are looking up to me yeah that's american decline at least you're honest dude yeah it's a decline in the empire so like

say like there should be a picture of me naked in a historic book, and it should read, The Fall of Modern Masculinity. So you just live for, like, danger, dude. Yeah, you're living dangerous, my friend. So, like, if you made it, dude, like, you had the money, dude, you had the girl, you had the comedy, bro, you wouldn't do anything to help society would i help society yeah like what would you do to like i'd actively try to destroy society because comedy would do better in a more chaotic affiliate economy you think that's is that your

writing approach like you just like you seek out chaos to like no not really yeah you're just naturally like an animal you know if i see an old lady and she has a purse i'm not gonna steal it but i convince someone else to steal it maybe wow yeah and like give it to you or like and then sell it back to her wow that's fucking dude you're a fucking genius man that's how you do it, man. I've never heard the funniest story. My ex used to, her grandma, you know, she has grandparents, whatever. But this kid would go in their garden, steal their tomatoes, and come back and sell it to them. What?

They had no idea. Their own tomatoes? Yeah. He was running a racket. He was doing this for months. Dude, that's so stupid. Like, that they didn't notice. They didn't notice that their tomatoes were gone?

They found out they have dementia. Oh, dude, that's so fucked. How much was he selling them for? I think like two bucks. Oh, wow. That would be fucked if they were like, no, no, 300. Like your fucking wire scheme? 5, wow. They'll be fucked if they're like, no, no, 300. Like your fucking wire scheme? 5,000, dog?

Dude, that's some scary shit. Yeah. Wired five cheese? To a fucking offshore bank account? Those are the ages to take advantage of people. Very old and 17. 18? That's when I got in the pyramid scheme, bro.

I was like 16, 17 17 got me in with my parents money sounded interesting because they'd hit you with pitches like college you know student loan debt it's just not worth it but you should buy this bundle for 400 yeah get 10 friends that's four thousand dollars you're like yeah that does sound right they don't tell you the cost of losing your friends it's like being an ambassador yeah you're basically like a glorified ambassador because you have like the top of the hierarchy like the dude who just planned it all out and then people below them that are like yeah man like i got my whole family to buy your stuff and he's like he's like i'll give you like i'll give you like half a percent of you know one of those people yeah and the thing about it is

when you go to the they're all at hotel meetings and they all target very young people or very old people uh they're all leasing these bmws so they're fucking they're spending so much money to look rich yeah that they're probably not making money dude do you know how many businesses like that there are in like massachusetts there's a lot of a lot of mlms i mean it's a huge college city bro when i was I was delivering for Amazon, like, I had gotten laid off. Yeah. So I go to this one, like, this building. You know those buildings with, like, just a bunch of suites in them? Yeah.

And, like, industrial complexes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, like, I drop off a package there, and, like, half the building's empty. And I'm, like, I'm not sure where to drop the package off. And this dude comes by. He's, like, hey, man, like, I'll take that package. Like, we don't have, like, a unit number yet or whatever. So I'm, like, all right, cool, man. cool man like here you go so he follows me outside dude he's like yo bro like how do you like amazon and i was like well you know

it's what it is you know like i'm not gonna be like oh i love it he's like oh you fucking hate it dude don't you like just say it and i was like all right i fucking hate it man so he's already got that anger right there let's do something he's already got me on the ropes yeah i mean he's like oh man like why do you work for amazon i was like oh dude i got laid off man so what'd you do what he used to do so i used to work for a bank bro so now he's like hard as a rock he's like dude so he goes bro listen man like i'm high up in this company bro uh you know we uh we we offer benefits to like self-employed individuals, primarily like firefighters and like EMTs.

And I'm like, all right, man, cool. He's like, dude, we'd love to have you on our team. He's like, dude, here's this card. This is the CEO of the company. He's going to call you this afternoon. I'm like, in my head, I'm so stupid. I'm like, dude, they're this card. This is the CEO of the company. He's going to call you this afternoon. I'm like, in my head, though, I'm so stupid. I'm like, dude, they're going to give me a good paying job. The CEO of the company is going to call me, dude.

How old are you at this time? This was like two years ago. This was during COVID. Oh, things are getting desperate, dude. The rent was coming. So, like, later that afternoon dude the ceo calls me and he's like hey john like i heard you talk to so-and-so like uh i just wanted to get you know you a little bit he's like yeah man it's like basically what we do is like we sell insurance

like firefighters like in self-employed individuals and i was like all right man like uh i started putting the pieces together and i'm like all right man so like what is the pay structure like he's like oh dude you'll come in and uh you'll do right man so like what is the pay structure like he's like oh dude you'll come in and uh you'll do this tronic like this training program he's like we'll train you man like we got these classrooms uh we'll show you our ways and i'm like okay this is fucked so i look it up online dude turns out like this was like a massive pyramid scheme dude they would like take kids in uh like classify them as like advisors like finance advisors 100 commission dude they would send these kids out into neighborhoods to go door knocking

and try to sell people insurance they would just drop them off and pick them off people would like and they would uh they would run these classes and they would like convince you that it's like a legitimate job so what was up with the firefighters why are they that's like their catch that's their catch they're like oh like we sell insurance to firefighters and emts and like police officers because that's like their their niche but it really wasn't like anyone could get the insurance oh but do you take advantage of our heroes is what they're saying and they would have these classrooms dude i didn't go i was like please fuck off like never call me again but if i was younger dude i'd be like bro because they would probably have me they'd probably have us like both of us more of the class to be like dude you can make bank doing this you sell like one insurance policy bro you're

fucking living in the hamptons dude you know what i'm saying yeah so i got some scary shit man yeah dude i mean i mean dog one time i used to live in live in California and I used to work at those kiosks. Oh, shit. Those little flat iron kiosks. Damn, dude. So I'd be like, hey, lady, come here. I'd try her hair. I was like, oh, my God, you are ugly.

Now you're beautiful. $120. Do you know what I'm saying? But one day this dude, similar situation to he just you know interrupts me he's like you like working here and i was like you don't have hair what kind of question is this but he was like yeah that sucks huh and i was like yeah it does suck it does suck he's like have you ever thought about joining the military so they could try to get me to join the Marines. He was saying, dude, your job is so bad, you might as well die for America. Damn.

It's more honorable. Did he convince you, though? No, absolutely not. Oh, really? Yeah. I almost got caught into that gym class. They were like, dude, you can do one pull-up? Bro, you'd be a fucking hero.

Wait, wait, your school gym class i'd like a fucking remember when they had the national guard come yeah i don't know if they career day there's something there's go on i don't know if they had at your school dude they would have the national guard come to our gym classes yeah they would put us through like push-ups and sit-ups and stuff dude i'm just like ripping ass doing setups they're like dude you're a fucking specimen bro you could survive a bullet with those abs like dude you should be in the navy seals man like you would bring like so much to our fucking realistically i'd be like cleaning fucking tanks i would literally be putting fucking jet fuel into jets and fucking

cleaning tanks dude fucking the lamest shit of all time and I would have signed the contract too tank janitor yeah for four years they'd be like you can't go back just become an alcoholic oh yeah imagine those dudes who are stuck on contract in the military

you're just fucking in Afghanistan bored I mean I would just go to a bar and get fucking trashed Imagine those dudes who are stuck on contract in the military. You're just fucking in Afghanistan. Yeah. Bored. Yeah, I would just go to a bar and just get fucking trashed. Jerking off to eyebrows. Yeah, just throwing frag grenades in bars. Yeah.

Just to, like, try to get out. Yeah, try to fucking kill somebody so you go back home. I would never try to kill someone, but I would definitely plead insanity. Yeah. I'd be like, I'm not mentally capable of handling this machine gun. It would be like 2 a.m. I would just start blind firing in the air. Dude, I'd be so toast. Like, I moved out of California because one day it was so hot,

and I told you I was working outside. It was an outdoor mall. And I just, it was so hot. And I was like, no. And I bought a plane ticket back to Connecticut. Really? Shit, man. So you were born in Connecticut and then you went out there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long ago was this? It was maybe, I had to be like 21, 20. Shit, dude. 21 to 20. 20 to 21. So are you going to go to like New York City or some shit? Yeah.

Definitely not LA, but New York City. Just fucking shred it out there, dude? Yeah. What type of jokes do you tell, dude? A lot of jokes about getting away with crimes. Really? Yeah. That's my demo.

Damn, dude. Yeah. Not really. Can you ask me what kind of jokes I do, you douchebag? You do my fucking bits on your podcast, you piece of shit. I got my phone right there. I was just going to write shit down. What you drinking on, dog?

No, I just, dude, I've never met you. So like I've never, I've never seen you do stand up. Yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah. I was just like, who should I have on the pod? And everyone was like, dude, you should have Mo on. Fucking let's go, dude. So I was like, all right, man. That's awesome. You know? Hope to hear that. I'm just interested, who should I have on the pod? And everyone was like, dude, you should have Mo on. Fucking let's go, dude. So I was like, all right, man.

That's awesome. You know? Hope to hear that. I'm just interested to see, like, what you talk about on stage. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It's okay. That's a fucking shitty question, man.

Like, I just wanted to hear it. I tried to come up with it. I can't fucking. Oh, man. I would rather just see you live, dude. Yeah. Because if somebody asked me that, they're like, oh, what do you talk about? I'd be like, you don't want to know.

Next question, guy. Fuck out of here, dude. What do you want to talk about next? The fucking weather, you fucking piece of shit? Dog, one day I remember I was doing the flat iron thing. And some lady was like, I can't go. I'm going to get married. I'm getting married tomorrow. And I was like, oh, let. And some lady was like, I can't go. I'm going to get married. I'm getting married tomorrow.

And I was like, oh, let's do your hair for free. Fucking flat iron was heating up. And this has never happened before. But I'm flipping her hair, right? And I'm like, she has long hair down to her shoulders, right? I take a full chunk out. Just burns her hair off the collective horror i'm looking at this trying to pretend it didn't happen but she could just see her hair fall from the mirror

her mouth just opens and she screams like And the mall dude security came. At an outdoor mall? Yeah. Shit. It's nuts. Did you laugh though?

Like it sounds kind of funny honestly. I've never almost cried in public in my life. That was the most guilt I've ever felt. I felt really bad. Did she have nice hair though? Very nice. Fuck man. That must be the hair. Like I took it put it in my backpack to was the most guilt i've ever felt i felt really bad you she had nice hair though

very nice fuck man that must be like i took it put in my backpack to sell it later yeah i mean dude that's a demoralizing feeling man like i dude i've been there at supercuts bro oh yeah get a bad haircut dog no dude i used to have a crush on this girl named courtney yeah and she invited me to her birthday party and that was like one of the first birthday parties I'd ever gotten invited to and uh before the party dude I went to Supercuts to get like a cleanup and uh like I mumble a lot so they like didn't really hear me well and I just wanted like a trim with scissors dude bro this lady literally just took out a sideburn trimmer and just shaved my head

right down the middle dude oh yeah and like dude in that moment to get uglier yeah it was dude people like i'm not even trying to be funny dude people at the party literally thought i had cancer they were like how long do you have left because like i was like tan my My head was fucking ass white, dude. I had glasses, too, dude. I was like 300 pounds, man. It was bad, bro. God damn. Did you have a backpack on looking like you were going to cancer class? I was playing football in the backyard, and people were like,

wow, he's really good for having cancer. He really found his talent in his last days. Yeah. He's in that set. They're like, we should get him like, you know, into like an NFL day or something like that. Nothing like, dude, I would never get pussy, but like comedy was always there for me, dude. Yeah. Comedy that never made sense.

I remember we were watching Halloween, dude. Everyone was in this chick's garage watching Halloween with Mike Myers on a projector, dude. Yeah. watching Halloween with Mike Myers on a projector dude it was like a scene where like Mike had just killed someone and he's just dragging the girl on like a boat deck and there's like blood everywhere and dude right in the middle of the movie I'm like 300 pounds glasses on a shaved head

I just get up and I scream yo it's the new Swiffer Duster fucking no one laughed literally no one laughed. Literally no one laughed, dude. What's so funny to do that, Doug? Just felt it. That's awesome.

Yeah, I just felt it deep down. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Were you with any of your friends? Yeah, I mean, they tried not to laugh, but like her family was there. Yo, it's the new swiffer dustin that's nuts we're like 16 too those annoying kids oh man dude i'm such a fucking curmudgeon now at the theaters if there's some kids talking i get so fucking mad i turned into that guy yeah not cool at all oh man it's the beauty of like comedy though dude Like even if nobody else finds it funny

Like if you find it funny dude Like you know It's all that matters bro It's a fucking beautiful life lesson Yeah dude I'm gonna clip that bro Yo it's a Swiffer duster dude I fucking

Dude I put so much passion into it too dude I was like I got nothing left to lose You were back in dude Yeah I was like me and Courtney obviously aren't gonna make it You know like we're not gonna be a thing so Might as well fucking ruin this. That's so fucking awesome.

The dude just rolls the ball. You know that dude who just never gets pussy and he has nothing to lose? The most dangerous man in the world. You can convince him to do anything. Matter of fact, I think we call them mass shooters now. You're the

healthiest strand of that, Doug. that's not a bad reason to like you know these fat kids are never mad shooters you notice that yeah because they have food dude found a healthier option people are saying obesity is unhealthy clearly it's healthy for some you have to have some sort of outlet dude it's fucking brilliant there's never been a fat mad there's black mass shooters now i think have you ever seen well dude i mean like think you think like there might be the news just doesn't publicize it oh maybe that's a because what's a mass shooting over three because they're happening at like three a day now really if it's over three killings yeah i think there's probably i don't know i don't fucking know anything on there bro think about the fucked up shit that happens though that just doesn't get publicized like the news can

steer it either way they want bro they don't know what's gonna get the clicks and they're trying to get that ad where yeah like dude i could walk up to like a gas station with an rpg shoot it at the gas tank it could blow up and kill like 50 people that should be like a news headline but the news can see that and see like a covid case like a fucking a new case and choose to publicize that. Man extinguishes COVID at the gas station. Man walks up to gas station with a boner and an RPG and kills 50 people. Imagine just having an RPG.

Fucking awesome that'd be. Just an RPG, dog. I would love to have an RPG. Yeah. I've never been into guns, guns dude but that would be cool to say the coolest fucking you pull up your trunk there's an rpg in there what someone's like yeah dude i'm shooting a nine mil at the course you You're like, oh, dude. A word, huh? Check this thing out. Yeah. Dog, yo. I just thought of something. Yo, so I'm Somalian, right? So we have, you know, one cousin calls one of my other cousins and he's offended at something.

He just has a video with like 20 guns. Says, well, I'm going to kill you. But here's something even better yeah but cousin cousin from saudi arabia yeah he moved he he visited here when women couldn't drive in that country so this is like four years ago so my mom picks him up at the airport. She doesn't know what's about to unravel. He comes out and sees her and says, no, I'm not getting in the car. He refused to get in the car.

He was like, he like spit on the ground. Like, would you? He found it disrespectful that we'd send a woman to pick him up holy shit yeah wow so i had to go and pick him up damn and uh he ended up eventually having to get in my mom's car and my mom has failed nine driver like she couldn't get her license eight times. Holy shit. So that proved him right. Yeah. Because it was her. She can't drive for shit.

That's the reason I'm unathletic. She's that uncoordinated. That's why I'm not an athlete. My older brother, half-brother, won athlete of the year. I got cut in basketball. Really? As a freshman? As a freshman.

Fuck, dude. I'm sorry, man. I got cut the same round as a retarded a freshman fuck dude i'm sorry i got cut the same round as like a retarded kid no disrespect yeah dude it was me another special needs kid and another special needs kid what did you what was like your uh sport yeah i ended up doing wrestling fuck yeah dude that's what everyone does you get cut from basketball you start wrestling you wrestled like all throughout high school? Nah, two years.

So junior and senior. I wish I did it all four. Yeah. That would have been fucking awesome. Because, dude, if we had just met and you were like, dude, I was All-State of Wrestling, I'd be like, I'm not fucking with this guy, dude. You'd be fucking sick, right? That'd be fucking awesome.

You'd be like, dude, I was a fucking All-State Somalian wrestler, dude. Fuck with me, dude. Yeah, I fucking put you down, dog. Dog, I used to fucking do, so I used to do jiu-jitsu a little bit. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I used to do Muay Thai a little bit, right? So before I wanted to be a comedian,

I wanted to be a fighter. It was like my fucking, so I did pyramid schemes, and I did Muay Thai, and then comedy. Dude, you got to combine all those together with the strap on. Yeah. You're a fucking mercenary, dude.

Dude, so there's these things called smokers. They're unsanctioned kickboxing bouts. So I'm about to do my first one. And there's a guy with no arm. He has one arm. His name is Nick Newell. Yeah. He's now a professional mma fighter extremely successful he's just kicking hard as shit where's his uh where's his arm cut off like it's cut off right here okay so he's kind of got like a flab he's got a flab yeah and

dude he was kicking so hard and i thought he's like warming up. I'm thinking, oh, I've got to go against that guy. And two of my friends were there, so I'm like, oh, shit. I'm still in high school. So if I get knocked down by a one-armed guy, it's going to be the lamest thing of all time. I brought these guys here to spread propaganda for me so I can sound fucking cool. You know what I mean?

Senior year, I'm like, I'm trying to get some last lays in yeah, it's fucking I'm gonna start kickboxing. Yeah Luckily he was about before me and he knocked it dude clean Was the scariest moment of my life thinking I was gonna have to fight that guy what was the reason for this like you just like wanted to like You have like some inner demons. You to, like, kick some fucking ass? No, I was just like, dude, that's fucking sick. I'm going to go do that. I watched UFC.

Oh, shit, yeah. So you watched something enough you kind of wanted to try? Yeah. I think it was that simple. Fucked, man. Yeah. I feel you, dude. You think it was, like, you think, like, deep down, though,

you had, like, that manliness in you that's like, dude, I want to fucking, I want to kick some dicks, dude. Yeah, no, 100%. Yeah. I mean, I remember I told my friend Evan, evan right that was doing jiu-jitsu this is like maybe my junior year high school and he just started walking up to everybody like moking fuck you up so these two kids this kid named george and this kid named j and this kid named Jerry right huge black kids they just look at me

we're in the locker room they're like no you think you can beat me huh George I was like no

but for whatever reason I couldn't say no twice the man in me I couldn't do it to the other person Jerry I was like yeah

and he was like okay let's see we go we're in the locker room so there's like a shower and it's just a hallway are you naked or not

no we're fully clothed and we go there to fight it's just a hallway and he just sprints at me and this hits me so fucking hard this kid's a professional lacrosse player now jesus extremely athletic yeah right so he kind of gets to jump on me hits me mad hard i'm a little dazed and he's he was a linebacker so he just ran me through to the wall and just started fucking bludgeoning me.

I was getting fucked. But I was holding on. I'm an endurance fighter. Dude, this fucking soccer coach walks by and he just sees what's going on. And looks at the other one and keeps on walking. I was like, help me. Fucking God. Bludgeon bad, bro.

Really? Yeah. Did you get knocked out or you were just like... No, I got dazed. I held in. You know, he got that one good punch, but it was just like him just trying to hit me. And it was just like crazy. This guy just saw me fucking...

This guy's like 50 pounds heavier than me. You see how skinny I am yeah i was skinnier you know what i mean i was a twig this dude was way bigger than i am now did you get like respect though for like hanging on uh because if you got knocked out like you'd be on like tick tock but like i think i mean no one with me after yeah really dude no one ever really did to begin with. Yeah. So not really. Probably got some respect, dude. Yeah.

For like not getting knocked out. I didn't get made fun of. Yeah. That's good, man. You know what I mean? Yeah. There was this one time. Oh, this is a fucking decent story, dude.

This is a fucking. All right. So I'm going to fucking make up a fake name. Let's say his name is Michael. Mm-hmm. Right? So there was this girl, girl A. This other kid, Michael,

skinny black guy. Right? She's always comparing us. So I hated him through her. He did nothing wrong. So I think this is like sophomore year. I think I got my first jolt of testosterone so i'm a little bit more like yeah yeah you know what i mean just like just these new

feelings that i've never had before so i was like you know what i'm sick of people comparing us he was just minding his business in the locker room he had a pencil by his ear i took it and i threw it on the ground and uh you know no words you're gonna fucking let him do that you can let him do that to you dog so we fought i won but it wasn't impressive or anything he wasn't hurt yeah you know i'm just it was my first fight i was just doing a bunch of uppercuts and i got the narrow victory but a bunch of uppercuts yeah dude but dude it sent him down a downward spiral because everyone now saw him like oh that's lunch meat mo beat him up i'm gonna fuck him up so they used him to get over on other people so like some other kid fucked him up the next week and then some other could beat the shit out of him a week later so i feel so bad

yeah but it got so my little brother was in his government class he's just asking a lot of questions about gun laws so if i got a gun could i carry it could i conceal he's just asking a lot of suspicious questions three months later this dude got laid a lot right so that was one of the things that annoyed me she'd compare me to him and i'd be like you know i'm sick i'd go to my friend dre i was like i'm sick of being compared to this fucking loser he's well he gets a lot more pussy than you so if i can hurt my family anyways long story short he's walking with a girl and this is so west hartford he's he lives in the hartford line he's walking with a girl. And this is so West Hartford. He lives in the Hartford line.

He's minding his own business, walking with this girl. And there's some sort of some other guy liked her. Yeah. And he was like making fun of him or something. And they start getting into a spat. He leaves, goes to his house, gets a gun, comes back. They get in an argument. The guy starts running after him. He just takes the gun

out and starts shooting a bunch of times as he's falling back, eating a pound cake. You can look this up, dude. He's falling back and he's eating a pound cake. He's fucking skinny, too, so the bullet makes him fucking fly back.

You know what I'm saying? He's shooting like this and he's flying back. And the second shot hit the dude in the neck. And he was hospitalized. We all thought he was going to die. He didn't die. He survived. No one cared.

He was Puerto Rican. He only went to jail for two years. What? Yeah. Why was he eating pound cake? He just happened to have pound cake. In the news articles, they called him the pound cake shooter Honestly kids a great guy I like

I saw him at Dunkin Donuts. So this is after his jail stint and That might have been the most scared I've ever been his jail stint and that might have been the most scared i've ever been in my time because yeah he's clearly been doing the jail workouts and i was like he a lot of those demons started because of me yeah because of this guy i deserve an ass whooping right now but he was pleasant really he was like hey bro i was like would you order i fucking got some coffee it's just like watching it make it i got black coffee black i'm gonna show him i'm a man like no sprinkles dog yeah dude so you were like a legit fighter man i've never been in a fight before dude really yeah huh i'm a fucking pussy dude dude i did muay thai for like two months dude it was super confusing for me yeah dude we would do

sit-ups were you a linebacker? No, dude. I played defensive end, bro. I was only like six feet, like 230, though. Football kids are tough. Yeah. I mean, I played rugby in college, but that was also super confusing. It's even tougher.

It just makes you question your sexuality, really. Really? Which is fine with me. I find dabbling in that. A lot of nut rubbing and shit and compliments. Kind of turns you on a little bit, dude. Yeah. That camaraderie.

Yeah, dude. I mean, I have a joke about it, but like every half I was like, dude, am I gay? Like, dude, legitimate. Because like you're out there like tackling dudes, but like you're complimenting each other too, man. Nice form. You combine. Yeah, dude. You know?

Yeah. I did Muay Thai for like two months because i was like dude i gotta learn how to like defend myself and shit and we would do just like we would just do like confusing stuff man like you would like have to do sit-ups but like you do it with a partner and they would be standing up stepping on your feet yeah that real fucking no and i was always partnered with a girl dude so i would be doing sit-ups and i would just be sniffing her fucking pussy every rep dude and it was so like i'm like city you'd have to do like 20 reps they'd be like go all the way up i'm like i'm not trying to eat this chick out while i'm doing sit-ups like i am but like i'm not yeah we can do it in private but like

you know like i would always laugh, dude. Yeah, if you're saying swiper, what's the thing called? What was the thing in the movie? The what? When you interrupted the fucking movie and you said the swiper fucking thing. Oh, the Swiffer Duster? Dude, if you're saying Swiffer Duster in the movie, imagine what the fuck you're just dropping as you're smelling gooch.

Yeah, I mean, you're probably saying some wild shit. I always find, like, combat funny, too, dude combat funny too dude like when they show like tutorials and shit like the teacher uh was like you know how they show you how to do shit like takedowns and stuff yeah like tripping they'll be like all right fucking jeff come over here just like this small kid like we're gonna show you how to trip with jeff here they fucking this dude just trips him and slams him to the mat, and he starts crying. What a douche. So now I'm laughing my ass off. I'm like, the fucking teacher is like, dude, are you seriously crying right now, you fucking pussy? It was a soft trip.

It was a pretty hard trip, though. He tripped him and then picked him up and threw him to the ground. Everyone was like, what the fuck? Dude, what the fuck? Dude, what the fuck? It was so fucking stupid, dude. Like, I get if you're training with, like, a fucking good fighter and you want to get good, but if I'm training with some dude who fucking gets, like,

dude, I would always be partnering with, like, nerds, like, math majors, dude. Like, they'd be, dude, they would just be, they would have to hold the pads for you dude so i'm like punching in like the pads pads it's fine just throwing one dude yeah fucking pads just fine dude those classes bro you might feel like a badass in like a muay thai class but unless you're with like legit fighters you're basically just slapping dick dude how much dude here's a charge 150 a month too dude a month, too, dude. A month? Okay, so that's fair.

$150? How many times are you going a week? You have to commit, though, dude, for like a year, man. How many times? If you're going three times a week, $150 a month, that's a good-ass deal. Yeah, no. I guess, man. The classes just weren't for me, dude.

A lot of people are paying like $300 a month. You might as well just get a gun. What the fuck are you going to train for? Just pull that shit out. I mean, dude, I would have no idea how to use a gun i'm fucking gonna train for just pull that shit out like i mean i mean dude i would have no idea how to use a gun you don't need to learn how to use a gun you just show that shit that scares 99 of people away yeah no you're right dude but i just wanted like i just wanted to like get like a little bit of confidence because like right now it's fucking really low yeah but if

you're like dude i can fucking i can kick you in the face i might miss dude but just me imagine seeing me kicking dude in the fucking dude yeah fuck the kicks you might be wearing you'll never be wearing jeans but a lot of people are wearing jeans yeah like imagine some dude one you're done imagine me being in a walmart dude someone's like yo nice polo pussy i fucking knee him in the face yeah dude i just tell everyone to fucking change my diaper dude you know fucking sick that would be make him get up that's what i was thinking about but then you go to the actual class and you're like dude i'm never gonna be able to do that man i'm like laughing i'm eating girls out like Like pads are flying everywhere.

The funniest shit is like when they like show you to do something, you just do it wrong. Yeah. Do the fucking kick wrong too. Yeah, those kicks up are fucking hard. Oh, yeah, dude. I honestly felt like my hip was going to pop out every time. Yeah, fuck that.

That's a young man's sport. Yeah. No, you have to have flexibility to do that shit too, man. so many imbalances too dude my hips and stuff like i lean to one side i like waddle when i walk dude it would take me like 15 seconds to wind up a fucking kick i'm like i'm like hold on stay right there like don't move okay well you're smelling pussy. But, dude, then I started boxing with this dude who was a legit fighter. So, like, he would just show me shit, which was dope because it was cheaper.

And he could just be like, this is what we do around here. But even then, I would laugh, dude, like half the time. Dude, he told me to throw an uppercut, and I, like, legitimately punched myself in the face. He was like, you really want to dig deep into it? And I was like, all right, bro, I got you. Just fucking punched myself in the fucking face. Yeah, yeah. Fucking retard.

I could never remember the combinations. So sometimes I would throw it at him versus the pads, and he would know. He could see it coming from a mile away, but it's like, I'm trying, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're doing your best. That's the only thing we can ask for. I got to send you a video, dude. It's like this dude.

It's like this black dude with two black dudes. It's so fucking funny, dude. They're in their living room. It's one of those living rooms where, like, there rooms where there's a sliding door so you can see outside. And one of the black dudes is holding pads for the other dude. And it looks like he's showing him how to do something. And he's not even ready. The dude is holding pads.

And the other black dude just knocks him out. But when he knocks him out, dude, he just goes, pop that. And the other dude just drops like unconscious completely. They're like in a living room. Wow. Yeah. So never knocked someone out before. Really?

Now the closest I've ever got. Actually, this is, it was a decent one. Last night I was at the double chin, double chin. It's a restaurant in Chinatown. Oh shit.

Now you like to eat there cause maybe last March I got jumped in Chinatown by like 9 Asians why? tell the truth

don't alter the story tell me what actually happened alright so I was with another comic so two comics both boston yeah say comic a comic b all right uh we're we're in uh before you go to the restaurant there's like uh what's it called one of those breezeways and it's packed There was just a new concert. There was some concert going on.

This is now 4 a.m. So we first went to IHOP. 45 minute wait. Fuck that. We go to Chinatown. 10 minute wait. This breezeway's packed. We're waiting.

Nine guys walk in with two girls and they just cut us say we know the manager and i mean they're in chinatown clearly asian i can't say they don't know fair enough they went in they came back out they walked they started walking away one of the women just kept on saying I need dick I need dick I need dick she has a friend named dick but the girl next to us we're not even with her

says deadpan well I guess she needs dick it's funny the Asian woman freaks the fuck out Headpan. Well, I guess she needs dick. It's funny. Yeah. The Asian woman freaks the fuck out. I'll beat the shit out of you. There are friends, all these kids, like 23, must be on drugs, uppers.

They think we're with those girls. So they look at my other friend, right? And he just, it's like pointing at him. I'll beat the shit out of you at him i'll beat the out of you i'll beat the out of you and he smacks the kid yeah so i hit him but i forget that they're with nine guys yeah so they dragged me out i'm just getting my ass whipped dude nine asian dudes just nine of them in one white guy here's the thing dude if they're all five four they're all small guys i had no primal fear yeah so i didn't really assess the situation for what it was yeah i was in a dangerous situation but they all looked like pussies

so i i had a lot of courage that was not earned yeah so me hitting that guy come on dude drag me out search fucking they so i'm like imagine this is the wall to the restaurant and i'm on the ground right here they're just fucking kicking me punching me here's the thing about ass whoopings it's like a group project a couple of people do all the work yeah and then everyone else is a slacker so everyone else starts trailing off like oh let's do drugs in the bathroom they all started leaving right so there's only two guys the kicks are getting a little bit softer i just get up and they think the fight's over so this is the closest i've ever been to knocking somebody out I don't

even know if this guy was part of it I just get up and there's just fucking there's this really really drunk guy and I fucking good I hit that nigga so hard I still got a fucking scar from it here I hit him so fucking hard I just remember his face and I started hitting the other. I felt bad because he was too drunk. Maybe he got a couple of kicks on me. He didn't earn this fucking hit that I just got on him. But I got him another one.

I felt this tooth chip. It was like, ugh. So I started hitting his other friend. And they're like, come back, come back, come back. So it's round two. They start, bong, bong, bop. I'm on the ground again. And they start fucking me up. Except now it's round two they start bong bong bop i'm on the ground again and they start fucking me up except now it's scary yeah because i'm just feeling poundings hails just non-stop every

fucking five hits per second like bop bop bop bop bop it's like second uh it's like the 10th second now i'm thinking like oh shit i think i'm gonna die i think it's over for me so i'm thinking in my head primal like all right i have a little fucking key in my little fucking sharp thing connected to my key should i uh start going for the kill that's what i'm thinking in my head because i'm getting fucked up and they keep on saying nigga we're fucking this nigga up there and bombs hard it was fucked up because they were wearing like kind of hip hop clothing. So I was like, come on, dog. You're not supposed to be like that.

You know what I mean? But they're fucking getting it. So I'm thinking in my head, look, if I do that, it could probably have an actual even worse reaction. They might just go like, these guys are dumb, dude. Like they weren't, they were trying to are dumb dude like they weren't they were trying to hurt me but they didn't know how to hurt somebody yeah they're like kicking me if you want to hurt somebody you stomp them yeah that's how you fuck so you just stomp my head so we're just like nine short asian dudes be bludgeoning the shit out of me everyone's in the restaurant just

watching no one's doing anything some huge white guy named cole comes out and nowhere pulls him off and just ends it yeah i got scared for a second because i thought he was gonna because if this guy wanted to impart any violence yeah yeah i'm dead yeah immediately fucking done i saw his forums and like i hope this nigga doesn't want to fight me i'm done yeah i was like close to doing the tap out. Not that it would have meant anything. But in my head, I was like, all right, I got to fucking tap out. Got saved right when I'm about to like tap out.

Yeah. We just go into the restaurant and eat. Wow. I was so mad because I go to the bathroom. There's a couple of black guys in there. Like, yeah, man, we just saw you get your ass. I was like, what? You didn't even call

the cops nothing yeah very close to death yeah fuck mad concussions damn yeah do you feel a little bit like you feel good afterwards though uh you feel like a stress relief or no not really because i didn't feel like i got enough i felt like i didn't fight good enough you didn't have a chance. Yeah. I mean, dude, it's nine dudes. That's a lot, bro. But they were very...

I'm not saying like... I'm not a tough guy or anything, but I just felt like I just kind of just got my... You think if it was like four of them, you could... No, I'm going to... If it's more than two, eventually. I mean, I just... Finding a young man's sport,

you just feel it immediately. You know what I'm saying? If you're not throwing bows regularly you're fucking you just a couple punches you're like you start talking it out fast a couple if you don't got knockout power you just learn to talk shit out fast like we don't really need what's the beef we have yeah i mean that's fucking scary, man. Yeah. That's fucking, like, I'm trying to relate to it, but, like, I've never, you know. Here's the thing. I feel like, dude, if I got in a fight, I would feel, like, guilty. You know what I mean? Really?

Yeah. Why do you think so? I don't know, dude. I don't know what would happen. You know what I mean? Like, if I actually, I'm not saying I would hurt someone, but, like, you're talking about, like, if you knock somebody out like you would want to feel that i feel like initially if i connected with someone

and they like just fucking they were unconscious the initial feeling would be like holy shit that was badass but afterwards holy shit yeah like have you ever seen those usc videos where those dudes just like get knocked the fuck out? Yeah. And they're just like, like, dude, that's going to fuck them up forever. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, like, if you actually.

We were in the concrete, bro. Oh, yeah. Some kid tried to slam me. He just wasn't strong enough to do it. And I'm way taller than him. So, he kind of just dragged me to the floor. But if that was, like, a thoroughbred athlete who wanted to slam me, that could be debilitating. Yeah. He was just incompetent

his intentions were destruction you know what i mean he just couldn't do it yeah fighting no that taught me i flew too close to the sun yeah no dude i don't even like you would have to like literally like put my life on the line for me to like i almost got in a fight. Put it this way, dude. The only fight I've almost been in was because I farted in class. And the dude behind me was like, dude, if you do that again, I'm going to fuck you up. That's mad funny, dude. So I did it again. Yeah. Bro, he followed me home.

Like he took the wrong bus, followed me home. So I'm walking to my house dude and i just feel a snowball hit the back of my head he's like what's up dude like fucking fight me and i go i go dude who are you he was like dude we were just in class together man what a nut job dog that's hilarious and uh dude i should have just fought him you know how funny that would be getting those fights in earlier it's fucking great experience yeah he was just standing by a snowbank he was like fight me dude and i literally was like nah dude and he had to walk all the way home

fight nobody just beat the shit out of his little sister. I was like, dude, I have no idea what you're talking about. He was like, dude, we were in class together.

Like, you looked me in the eyes. You farted on me. Like, you didn't kick your desk like chair or anything? Nah, dude,

he was like, because I farted and the fart like went, like everyone laughed. It was hilarious. I got cranked one, dude. It was so funny,

dude. Like, it was a loud fart and he was behind me and he was like he like leaned over he was like if you do that shit again i'll fucking kill you so i was like all right i'm gonna do it again fart dude yeah he was pissed man i was like dude fucking you know dude those are the days you eat mad snacks and shit sort of mad dorito yeah well no dude it's because like i didn't i never talked in uh

school at all you just so oh dude like the last week of school i would always fart i would fart randomly like i wouldn't say anything i would just keep a straight face and just crank one dude you weren't like a stink bomb kid you didn't fucking do anything diabolical like that oh yeah we used to like we used to fucking uh like egg houses and play ding dong ditch and like light penises on fire on the road stuff like yeah very bad but like i was quiet though dude so like when i farted people were like even the teacher was like it's kind of fucking funny you know what i mean yeah it's quite good just putting a fucking like imagine me with a straight

face just ripping one, dude. Like, there's chicks around. Oh, man. But, dude, that was my chance to, like, actually. Honestly, I did. I punched someone in the face on the rugby field once. Really? Yeah. What did they do?

Kick you in the balls? No, there's this thing. I don't know why i laugh at this stuff dude but in rugby like there's this thing where like i don't know rugby's hard to explain man but when you get tackled basically there's like a rock dude so you're like fighting for the ball dude you're getting really low and one thing you can do to get someone off right is a fucking gator roll so you'll like you'll wrap your arms around them not around their neck around their body and you'll just roll like a gator dude so instead of doing a gator roll i just come up behind this dude and i put him in a headlock and i just rip him down and i wasn't even thinking dude so he gets up it's like a

military academy and he just starts screaming he's like what the fuck he's like you can't fucking do that he's like you could have broken my fucking neck so i just punched him in the face me and this kid were like all right i just punched him in the face and like like this kid just tackled him to the ground and we got suspended for a game really yeah it was so funny though dude wow dog it's so real what's his reaction you just ate it and just moved on he was? He was pissed, dude. There was, like, a... They broke it up, like...

There was about to be, like, an all-out brawl. And, like, dude, if you get in a rugby brawl, like, good luck, man. You're gonna fucking die, dude. Because both teams are just gonna be throwing fucking haymakers, dude. Yeah, yeah. You do not wanna fuck with, like... Those kids are big. Yeah, dude.

There was a military academy, and he happened to be, like, smaller than me. I just... I just thought it was funny, dude. There was a military academy, and he happened to be smaller than me. I just thought it was funny, dude. You're in a rugby game, dude. Imagine a dude like me just hopping on your back. I hop on your back and put you in a fucking chokehold. Yeah, that's fucking nutty. I get where he's coming from, dude. Yeah.

You're fucking freaking out, dude. He's justifiably upset. Yeah. I just punched him in the coming from, dude. Yeah. You're fucking freaking out, dude. He's justifiably upset. I just punched him in the fucking face, dude. Hearing that elevated level of anger, yeah. Yeah, man, he was heated, bro. Yeah.

But, like, yeah, that's... You were more heated. Yeah. I was fucking... I was laughing so hard afterwards. Choke first, questions later. I can't even imagine, dude. Like, I've seen rugby fights. Dude, when I played rugby at URI, there was this one kid who was just like an animal, dude.

Like, he would just take on three dudes at a time, and he got in a fight. He just jumped over this one dude, Superman punched the kid on the other team, and just fucking done. Just one punch. I was like, that's insane, dude. Beast mode. Yeah. Like, imagine fighting one of those dudes At a fucking bar dude

No Fuck no Fuck that Yeah They look super athletic You stay away Fuck that It's too dangerous

Dude even like I'm not trying to be a pussy I'm not trying to be a pussy I'm just saying like You never know what someone could do dude Imagine You know like Tony Ferguson How he does that thing

Where he fucking like sprawls Yeah Fucking does that roll And like takes your ankles out yeah ankle picture you dude imagine seeing that dude i'm gonna go pick someone in public could be the funniest shit of all time just taking their leg and watching them fall yeah it'd be the funniest shit ever yeah you'd be fucking like what the fuck yeah yeah i'm about to just start like messing with my ears yeah just to develop the cauliflower oh yeah people don't fuck with me yeah dude you know you think people wouldn't fuck with you or they would fuck with you wouldn't know i wonder if somebody would fuck with you though dude who also has cauliflower here they try to see if i'm trying to you know

like those guys who wear fake camo for homeless people they're trying to get that valor stolen valor yeah they're trying to see if I'm really About that fucking cauliflower About that life dog Yeah that could actually be dangerous It could be a bad move Yeah I should become an ugly And not tough

Yeah It's not a good I would just be like dude I'm disabled Like I don't even know Where I am right now Such a good card to pull Yeah

It's a fucking good card to pull man Disabled card Yeah Someone's like dude I'm gonna fuck you up What are you gonna say Yeah It's like dude good card to pull, man. Fabled card? Yeah. Someone's like, dude, I'm going to fuck you up. What are you going to say? Yeah. It's like, dude, I'm handicapped.

I was already fucked up. Someone got here first, buddy. Even if he's like, all right, dude, prove it. It's like, all right, dude, watch this shit. Watch me walk. Watch me drive down this one way the wrong way, dude. Yeah. I just hop in my Honda Accord, dude.

Just play Pocket Full of Sunshine. Just drive down a one way the wrong way. All right, dude. We'll wrap this up, man. This was... We fucking covered a lot, man. I feel like we got a lot accomplished, dude. We have fucking business ideas to take action towards, man.

No, dude, thanks for coming, man. My man, thanks for having me, dog. Yeah, do you have anything you want to say to the people, man? You got any upcoming shows? Follow me, at Mohad Moussa. M-O-H-A-D-M-U-S-S-A. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah.