The Johnny Salami Podcast - Paddy D

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Paddy D by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love? Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love Oh, bro, I'm hurting. Dude, when I was walking over here, I think I saw a black Hasidic Jew.

I didn't... No joke, I like that's a hundred percent they had like the hat on and like they didn't have the curls but like i don't know if i can imagine you get a little leeway like uh you technically have to have like your fucking like gooch on your face right yeah you do yeah they're like if you're gonna be in this thing you have to look like shit all the time yeah is there like a is there like a requirement for the like the beard length or like the structure i think it's just what the women are into really no there's no way dude if i was a hiscitic jewish

woman i'd be like i need to fuck something other than these fucking that's crazy dude every jewish woman i'd be like i need to fuck something other than these fucking that's crazy dude every jewish girl i've ever met is like not into jews no yeah it's weird yeah well i i think just like hasidic jews in general jews do not like non-hasidic jews don't like nobody likes to sit you almost feel bad because nobody likes them because you're just like paying your rent to them that's like the only like portal for me into the hasidic jewish world is me handing them a thousand dollars a month yeah so like naturally i'm gonna be like this fucking sucks yeah there has to be some sort of monetary exchange yeah for you to be relevant for you to be within 500 feet yeah dude like uh i've seen a few surveys you know they send them around and stuff about like uh you know how many people hate jews and i'm just like whoa that's a lot of people it's a

lot dude i almost had my moment my best friend growing up was a jewish and he told me he was like dude there's like like jews are like the most hated people in the world yeah and i was like dude i could have told you that like yeah no shit i'm just kidding like i we were like we've been best friends my whole life yeah like even when we played basketball together he would have to leave basketball practice early in middle school to go to uh what the fuck is it called the bank you have to cut this out now no you'd have to go to hebrew school dude oh okay like you could technically uh leave practice early to uh okay so you like have to do that to get your uh your bar mitzvah going and stuff yeah that makes sense yeah it was uh it was a romantic relationship You know, like even when he had his bar mitzvah, they had two people next to me, like security,

because they were afraid I was going to make him laugh when he was doing like his songs. Wow, dude. Yeah, it was hilarious. Yeah, they knew. Yeah, dude. They had everything set up and stuff. Yeah. How bad did that make you want to make him laugh then?

Like, dude, it was so hard for me. Just knowing that there's two grown men. Knowing that that's like the biggest day of his life. Yes. I could easily ruin it. And not only that, that you're seen as a threat to it. Yeah, but he's singing Hebrew in front of his entire family. Oh, dude, yeah.

There's so many places that could be funny. Like, dude, one, like, one penis yell, and you just ruin the whole thing. Yeah. Because, like, first of all, just yelling penis, funny. Anyway. In a house of God, very funny place to do it. Second, it's like he has to then react yeah which he'll probably laugh

because he'll know exactly who said it it'll be like from way back laughs where like your organs are breaking down yeah kind of like i can't we're like trying to hold it in one time uh dude speaking of holding in a laugh one time time I went to this open mic. There's this comedian named Kiwi Weintraub and a very funny guy. There was this open mic in Brooklyn and it's a three-minute mic. You only get three minutes. So I go up. I bomb. They fucking hated me.

Everything. I get off stage. I'm like, that's tough. He's like, all right, yeah, whatever. He goes up like three people after. He starts. He just takes the mic out of the mic stand, just throws the mic stand over his shoulder.

It just falls flat right on the ground, dead silent. He's like, what the fuck is up, Brooklyn? They're all just looking at him like, who is this guy? So he starts going. All of a sudden he goes, who's from Brooklyn? Who here is from Brooklyn? And everyone's fucking shocked they like they they they don't know what to say there's one guy sitting in the

crowd and he goes uh how about you he goes i'm from inwood he's like inwood what do you live in a tree what are you a fucking idiot you live in a fucking tree you dumbass the guy's like pissed off at him he's like dude you suck why are you doing this so kiwi's like all right uh i'm sorry i'm sorry so he like starts to walk off of stage like to like like say he's sorry he like extends his arms out to give him a hug dude he trips on a folding chair and just shoulders the guy right in the face gave him like a nosebleed his head was just like cocked back and he's like oh my god i'm so sorry so kiwi takes his wallet out and starts trying to hand him money to like make him feel better oh shit and the worst part is like this was like a minute into his three

minute set yeah so he had to go back on stage and do two more minutes it was like an open mic it was an open mic yeah it's not that surprising then if it's at like uh no like no yeah you see a lot of crazy shit i went to uh it's amazing like comics who were like like not afraid to say anything pretty much yeah i've like learned to like respect them more like i did a i drove four hours to connecticut and i was doing 15 minutes at a dive bar. And one of my buddies went up in front of me. He's a pretty successful comic, I guess. We were just at a dive bar, and everyone's bombing. And, dude, the host kind of had a very short haircut, like supercuts-like haircut.

And these two chicks walked in, and one of them looked exactly like the host and we were all thinking it but when he went up there he like verbally was like hey you look like the host and this chick was just like this like super progressive like lesbian like with her girlfriend yeah and it was like one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life because like no one laughed you know yeah was just complete silence. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like the best jokes in open mics or shows or whatever don't get any laughs. Yeah.

Because they're just so true. Yeah. It almost makes you think, like, maybe I should start doing that more. Yes. Because you don't really have anything to lose. No. When you're at a dive bar in Connecticut. Yeah.

What are you? You're never going to have to drive. You might lose your life, like, afterwards. Yeah. But, like, that's worth it, dude. Yeah. do yeah fair price to play dude we're all just trying to die that's what when people say that they're like uh oh you should like stop like smoking or vaping or something i'm like do you want to live forever yeah is that your goal yeah it just sucks 60 65 man yeah i'm good exactly dude you smoke it narrows that down like you could probably still

fuck up until the day you die you have to put that mask on you know yeah i would i would have loved to died like uh i wish i died like before covid you know oh yeah yeah that would have been sick dude yes just start like a 14 car pile up you know what i mean yeah just die at like 23 yeah but you died of like a heart attack at the front of the pile i died with like a raging You know what I mean? Yeah. Just die at like 23. Yeah. But you died of like a heart attack at the front of the pilot. I died with like a raging boner. None of it made sense. It's just a mystery for years.

That would be the perfect death. Have a little documentary about you. A death that they can't disclose to the public. Yeah. That's the best type of death. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What if like you died from getting a boner from like taking like blue chew but like your boner subsisted through your death and then it was just the best ad ever for blue chew yeah i mean like dying with a boner in general yeah i would probably i would want it to be like an organic boner though yeah like from my thoughts yeah yeah yeah like you ever drive by like a fucking like a you ever drive by like a Lowe's. See like the sheds outside. Yeah. Like that'll get me going.

And then get up. Yeah. Yeah. Dude someone's going to drive through those things too. Oh yeah. They like line them up perfectly. Yeah. That would be a good way to go out.

Yeah. Some guy who couldn't get like a building permit. Nobody gets a shit in this neighborhood yeah yeah dude i always i like for a while when i was like really depressed the way i wanted to go was hire someone to like oh wow kind of follow me around and then at one point when i'm like not suspecting it like just take a pitch fork and just right through my head real quick holy yeah jesus christ yeah it's not healthy how long would they follow you around for just like a day or like a no it's like i pay them but then i forget that i did it yeah so like maybe they get me like my best moment ever but it's like i kind of leave it up to them you know yeah that's kind of scary man what if they killed

like the wrong guy man dies from pitchfork after achieving a boner and i were in like if you were in the same place too yeah and i saw i saw it happen the good news is i would i would just never text him or anything because i wouldn't want to let him know that i'm alive because i'm sure once i saw it i'm like i don't why would i want that that would be tough to like not leave a paper trail yeah you'd have to meet in like a dark place dude yeah dude i don't even know where you could get away with something like that. Yeah. It's crazy how much I think about death, dude. Yeah. Like it's wild. It is. I don't know if I would feel anything. No, I think I would. But right now I'm just kind of like, I don't know if

I would, you know, yeah, like too dark, but like, no, dude. Yeah. I think it is a thing. Like when you think about it a lot, you're kind of like you run yourself through the scenarios all the time yeah and you're like what am i missing like i would feel bad for the people who i left behind like my family if they were like unsuspecting yeah but if i died like doing a heinous act i think that would be a net zero yeah you'd be like well he probably i would just want it to be so retarded that like no one was even upset. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I would want to like get it on video too.

Yeah. My whole Instagram feed is just like cars driving through buildings and shit. Yeah. Like relentlessly. Yeah. Like there was one recently where like this dude was in like a fucking Ford Taurus from like 2001. He literally just, like...

He literally just drove into a stationary car, backed up, drove into another car, backed up. And everyone around him was like, get the fuck out of the car. Oh, God. And so was he trying to fuck shit up? Dude, it was four consecutive cars that he hit. And you're watching the video like, is this ever going to end? Yeah. At the end, he just stopped.

He stopped for a little bit. And you were like, all right, finally, it's over. And he just crossed over two parking spots, got some momentum and hit another car oh my god i think the car just kind of gave out the car was like all right we're good like yeah yeah the car was did not like him but i was like in my bed like just fucking crying laughing like for some reason that was just like so funny to me yeah because it's like relentless, like the relentless pursuit of like, you know. I know. How do you have the balls to do that?

Like if I hit one car, I'd be like, holy fuck, I got to get out of here. Dude, there are chicks who like will parallel park and they'll back into a car and then rear end a car and not even move. Like they'll be like, yeah, we're fine. That's like the wedge they put under their tires. They don even move. They'll be like, yeah, we're fine. I was like... That's like the wedge they put under their tires. They don't move. Oh, God, yeah, dude. Chicks suck.

I've literally experienced that, where I was with a girl, and I was like, was like listen i'm not i'm not good at parallel parking you fucking suck she was like don't be a fucking pussy and i was like please like get out of the car and like direct me into the spot and she's like waving she's like waving me on and she keeps waving me she's like come on come on fucking dude i backed into this car she was like she's like all right forward forward forward fucking literally rearing the car in front of me i'm just like dude some guy's in the car he's like wow what are you doing dude this

was in boston too like there was so many witnesses yeah and dude we i just parked there and she was like you're fine just stay there i'm gonna get off this block i'm not gonna stay here where i totally mangled a nice car yeah did you have a shit car was it a it's a car i have now it's like a 2011 honda accord oh nice so it looks like i like fucking i'm like managing uh like a deli or something. Yeah, yeah. That's dude. That goes a long way around here. Yeah, man. I'm gonna drive it into the ground, but it's still fucked up. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't matter what type of

car, like just because you have a shitbox car doesn't mean you can just do hit and runs every day. No. You know what I mean? It actually probably means like the office. Like that's kind of funny, but it's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You can't do that. Dude, it is. I would rather have a shit car than a nice car, though.

For sure. Because the shit car, dude, you have like some fucking stories coming from that thing. Oh, yeah. It's just like a plethora of material. Just driving around a piece of shit. Yeah, you could die at any point. Any point. You'd be like fine with it. I used to have this Dodge Caliber.

It was a standard. And like I had it for like two years. My dad was like, if you go to community college, I'll get you a car. So I was like, fuck yeah. So he spent $400 on this car. And it was a piece of shit. And by the end of the time that I had it, the only door that worked was the driver's door. So all of my friends would have to climb in through the driver's door they sit in the car and i would just crash i got into like

four accidents dude i my hometown the first car i ever got was a it was a dodge Ram with flames on it. I bought it from my neighbor. My mom wrote a check for $10,000. Wow. It was like the best day of my life for no reason. Yeah. And I had no idea that this thing was like a legitimate shit box. Yeah. It looked like something you'd see on like Pimp My Ride. Yeah.

But the interior, like the engine, everything was fucked. Yeah. First day, dude dude i merge onto the highway i hear like this loud bang and i turn around and my exhaust pipe is like completely off in the middle of the highway and it's like sparking to the point where it looks like there's like about to be a fire started i I literally like had to call 911. I was like, I think there might be like a fire on I-95 South. And did they think you were retarded because your car was covered in flames?

Dude, I had to like pull over and I called the guy I bought the truck from. I was like, dude, the fucking exhaust pipe just fell off. And he was like, dude, no way. I was like, dude, I literally just witnessed it yeah no way is he smelling the ten thousand dollar check oh dude it was bad man i spent so much money on that which that's kind of like i would want a shitbox car that's like a honda or like a toyota yeah yeah not like a dodge or something like that no dude dodges are pieces of shit yeah dude and honestly like they they really suck it's just the engine dude like some dudes get like fully erect to that sound oh yeah they're like

bro is that a fucking five seven though i don't even know if that means i mean either dude i've heard it so many times yeah dudes would like like come up to me at like duncan parking lots they'd be like bro what are you running under the hood? Like an engine? Just, like, make shit up. Yeah. Like a fucking 420Z pussy popper kit. 42069.

I got a fat Sally in here. Brand new. Off the lot. They're so dumb, they'll be like, no way. I can't believe you found one of those. Yeah, dude. I just never want to be like one of those guys that's like obsessed with cars. Like I think cars are cool, but I don't want to like judge someone on like a fucking car.

No. You know what I mean? I think if you're poor, it's okay. It's like that's all you got. You have this one car in the driveway that you just keep ordering shit for and working on it. And some bitch wife yelling at you the whole time. But if you're rich and you can just buy... It's like that's the shittiest time to get into cars.

You just have too much money. Yeah. Imagine having the sickest car too, dude. But the smallest dick dick that's the exact correlation yeah that's always how it is yeah like dude that should be a rule at a car show yeah if you win you have to pull your pants down just let us all know what's what's going on Yeah.

Just let us all know what's going on. It's just like a little raisinette. Yeah. That'd be so sad. Yeah. Or like they don't even judge the car show by the cars. They just judge it by the size of your cock. They just have to promote it that way.

Yeah. They're like, you know what this really is. Yeah. You know what this really is. Yeah. You're like the back alley of a stop and shop. Yeah. Just cars sitting right there. You're like, God.

People just fluffing it up. Go it up somebody calls in like a fucking airstrike yeah oh that would be nice dude you know how many fucking shitty people you'd kill bombing a car show you'd kill everyone who had any bad ideas intro to a movie it's like a fucking car movie you're like you know they're like know, this really is right. Everyone pulls their pants down. Then there's just like a fucking fighter jet. Just drops a massive bomb on the car show.

Yeah, and it kills them, but it misses their tiny cars. Their dicks live on. They put up like a prompt that says that. Everyone died, but their dicks live on yeah they put up like a like a prompt that says that yeah everyone died but their dicks lived on the dicks lived on playing this one guy lives and that's like what the movie's about yeah he's in like a log cabin the man with the smallest he lives on yeah he's just got his car, and it's the nicest car. It's the fastest car. Dude, I was watching, you ever see Wild Wild Country?

That's about the cult, right? Yeah, the cult. Oh, dude, that's so funny. That's literally one of the funniest documentaries I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Like, dude, you remember the part where they show the leaked footage? And it's like the fucking like the indian master he's in like a private room with a bunch of chicks just like sucking on their tits like

throwing pudding everywhere yeah which is honestly what we would do dude if i had like 13 women in a room i'm not fucking any of them i'm sucking all their tits and covering us in some kind of dessert. Back then, too, dude. Just like full bush, like all organic chicks. Yes. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Just gross.

That was such an insane part of the documentary, dude. Yeah. Especially the fact that they were just like, yeah, you can kind of like do whatever you want. Just like let yourself go. Yeah. Like think about the shit you could do. I don't even think I've ever gotten myself to that place i've never once been like what do i really want to do because dude it's probably disgusting

oh yeah dude but it's it's like uh i don't think you would think about it though i think you would just kind of like let it rip yeah yeah there would have to be a lot of like there would have to be a high budget of like things to like use because like it might be like dressing up like something yeah yeah like dude i would need like a budget yeah for sure yeah and i wouldn't be able to just use what's in there i would need like some supplies and stuff for sure and i'd maybe need to watch a couple like youtube videos before of like people yeah no i think i would just let my thoughts kind of like unload a little bit like i would wear like a fucking like a white dress yeah just play like let her cry by hootie and the blowfish dude and just start throwing like fucking hard-boiled eggs at people just knocking

like i'm just trying things out. I don't know yet. I'm trying to experiment. It sounds insane, but you know how good that would feel? To freeball it in a dress? Yes. And just hum hard-boiled eggs at chicks? Yeah, dude. And they can't.

I'm like, listen, you cannot react to this. You have to just stay laying down. Don't move. But they have to wear also white, so it just covers them. Yellow egg. Have you ever egged a house? Yeah, plenty of times, yeah. Plenty of times?

Yeah, probably hundreds of times. Really? I feel like you get tired of it after like a couple times you're like no there was never a point where I was like I don't know man maybe we should wrap this up I think the point where I wrapped it up was when I was like asking people if they wanted to do it and they were like dude I'm past that point in my life they were like dude I have a full-time job like i can't

i like need these eggs to eat yeah i've never done it i've uh i've done a lot of like shaving cream and toilet paper really which is arguably worse for sure for a house it just takes a lot of time i feel like yeah it takes a lot of toilet paper the shaving cream too they used to like lock down with like they didn't let kids buy it really in our neighborhood we used to make bombs shaving cream bombs no just like uh we would go to the dollar street dude you could buy um it was like this toilet bowl cleaner that they don't sell anymore specifically for this reason dude wow you would put like toilet bowl cleaner and then mentos and soda and you'd like shake the bottle yeah and you would throw it and it would fucking explode jesus christ it's funny that like

human shits have gotten so bad that they're like we need to use explosives to clean the toilet we need like chemicals they use in fucking iraq yeah i would never fuck with bleach man oh no dude i'd fucking burn my eyebrows off yeah dude i got it on my hands once and it smelled like bleach for like four days really yeah it's like kind of a good smell too dude it is dude i kept like dude whenever i have any kind of bad like arguably like unhealthy smell dude that's the best you're ripping sniffers dude ripping sniffers oh dude same man so i used to like wipe my ass with my hand to like like pick my ass and then i would smell it dude yeah just to kind of like see what i'm dealing with yeah the holy grail yeah you ever

like finger bang a chick and then smell your fingers oh yeah yeah yeah that's that's er day dude that's i did that this morning yeah dude no but i think about doing that to another person though just being like hey smell my fingers i've thought about it but i feel bad like dude this is my uh my like uh my fear is that like i'll just like be like hey check this out they smell it and they're like jessica you mean i fingered a whore today yeah dude oh that is a good point man yeah i don't want to know that i fingered a whore they're just like oh yeah like that's gross i'm like what because i don't smell enough vaginas in my life to know what a gross one is yeah dude if you're grossed out by the smell of pussy man man, you better fucking read a book.

Yeah. Yeah. You better go fucking, you better run from this podcast. Yeah, you better figure your life out, dude. You need a reality check. Yeah. For sure, dude. Exactly, dude.

I used to make that reference all the time and people would just get so uncomfortable. What reference? Like it smells like pussy. Like you can't really say that in like a professional environment no i don't think you should say that really anyway even in unprofessional it just makes if there's any woman within like a 500 they feel so insecure yeah especially in the summer dude when like they're wearing dresses and stuff i know yeah dude i i can't like blame them because dude my balls smell terrible all the

time dude you can like i'll be like stepping out of the shower and i'll like touch my balls be like what the hell happened at a certain point you kind of just accept the fact that like yeah there's nothing you can do man there's nothing you can do really nothing you can do yeah until they like invent better technology yeah especially like dude all the i'm like a like i'm a waddler when i walk and stuff so i can't even imagine what my legs are going through yeah like what's going on down there yeah i'm just happy like when i was younger i was so fat that i could be like i was afraid to sit down near people because i would like sit down like i know exactly what you're gonna say you you like you sit down and then when you stand up

your ass is just soaking wet oh no, no. I just meant like... What the fuck? Sorry. I guess I'm... Yeah, we're thinking different things. I guess we have different issues here. I remember I would sit down in class sometimes and the smell would travel up and hit me in the face.

And other people you could tell could smell it too. Oh, man. They know what's going on and the worst part is like to to trap that smell you gotta wear like jeans so then it creates this that the moment you unleash it dude it's like oh it's like nagasaki that's all it is dude like you're trapping it and then when you sit down your legs open a little dude. It's like Nagasaki. That's all it is, dude. Like, you're trapping it, and then when you sit down, your legs open a little bit, and it's like, dude, you're just giving it like a roller coaster ride away. Yeah, dude. You're literally doing that like a crock pot.

Yeah, you're just setting it free. Yeah. Naring it out. Yeah. Dude, yeah. They, like, know what you're nuts to, man, which is, like, the saddest thing in the world. I know, because it's the most distinct smell. There's an armpit smell, and it's like, why do I smell like shit and semen at the same time?

Yeah. It's like distinctively dick cheese. Yeah. Are you circumcised? Yeah. Nice, dude. Proud. I don't think, who is uncircumcised anymore?

Good amount of people, I would think. You think so? I don't believe it, dude. Yeah. I mean, that's uncomfortable, too, for a lot of dudes to, I know some dudes who got circumcised when they were like fucking 20, dude. Really? Yeah, and they were like scarred for life, man.

Yeah, I'd imagine. You know, a few dudes, man. That? Yeah, and they were like scarred for life, man. Yeah, I'd imagine. You know, a few dudes, man. That would be horrifying to have happen. Yeah, to not go under and just have some like random dude like slice your dick off. Yeah. That's terrible. Yeah. I wish I still had my foreskin.

Really? What would you do with it? What would I do? What would I do? I don't know. I'd probably, first of all, I'd probably not clean it very well. I don't know. I don't know that I'd probably, first of all, I'd probably not clean it very well. I don't know. I don't know that I would do that.

But I guess like the sensitivity. Dude, the tip of my dick has no feeling at all anymore. Really? Yeah, dude. It's always just like rubbing against like something and just wearing it down. I feel like the back of your dick, though, dude, is like very sensitive. The underbelly? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. If a chick ever asks. That's like where they shot, like in The Hobbit, where they shot the dragon. Yeah, yeah. It's like, that's what I think of. That's like the G spot for men, dude. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

It's the G spot for homophobic men. Yeah, dude. Because I hear it's in my ass, but I'm not letting anyone go in there. There's no way oh yeah yeah no you're right yeah yeah that's the real one it is it is if you want to know dude yeah there's no there's no coming back from that man yeah have you uh traversed yeah i almost came out of the closet when it happened dude really yeah shot right out of the court yeah if you go anywhere down there dude yeah not

my not my ass my gooch oh yeah oh yeah if a woman ever went near my ass i'd be like okay yeah this is uh you gotta just that's the only time you should punch a woman i mean that would be the end of life for me yeah if a woman ate my ass oh i would immediately shoot myself yeah you'd come and then yeah i would write like a short letter you know stop posting now yeah put it on linkedin yeah dude i'm too scared because that's the thing is like dude what if one day i want to have children and the only way i can conceive children is having some something shoved up my ass to come oh yeah so how do you ever hard just again just to get me hard. Yeah.

And then, like, how do I ever... You could always try, like, pegging or something, dude. Dude. So, me and my girlfriend have this bet. Not a bet, but, like, a promise. I told her, like, if she ever fathers one of my children, she could peg me one time. Holy shit. Like, one time per kid.

Yeah. And, like, she's, like, really considering fathering one of my kids just to do that she has no gratification and she just wants to do it to humiliate me you know like the size of like the no dude yeah that's should have clarified that that could get nasty dude that's the most important thing i i do i think like if you think about i feel like girls would like kind of enjoy that too yeah they all want to go through that pain yeah yeah absolutely dude i mean who wouldn't want a cock dude yeah dude everyone have a dick than a fucking roast beef sandwich you know what i'm saying a fucking hot sweaty gross yeah bloody oh, those things are disgusting.

Yeah, dude. I think... Sorry. We're just talking about how gross pussy is. It is fucking disgusting. I always say it's the grossest part of a woman. No, dude. Definitely their personality, but...

Yeah, it's just not like you want to like it's yeah the same as like uh just thinking about it it's like what the fuck man i know dude it's such a mystery too yeah i've because everyone looks entirely different for sure like so different yeah and they're always like how do you not make me come it's like because you're it's like learning latin every single time yeah man it's like a mystery dude you're just trying to solve it i know it's amazing how like men like you know like respectable men like they want to like you know make a girl happy yeah Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. They're just going into the depths of the unknown just to figure it out.

Yeah, dude. It's like fishing, dude. You know what I mean? If you want the big fish, you got to go deep in that hole, dude. Exactly, dude. You know what I mean? You got to Ponce de Leon that shit. There's just so much unknown. There is.

The only thing you know is you want to shove your cock in there, but that's never the right answer. Not even, dude. I don't even want to. Dude, I would be fine with eating chicks out. And then just getting a blowjob? No. You just don't want your dick involved at all? Just eating boxed and just being like, hey, have a good one.

If it was like a rotation of hot chicks, dude, that would be sick. Really? You like eating pussy that much? 100%, dude. Dude. Yeah. I don't. Really?

Dude, you got to figure it out, man. I do got to figure it out. I like making women happy,. I don't. Really? Dude, you got to figure it out, man. I do got to figure it out. I like making women happy, but I don't like eating box. I mean, I don't think that's, they're kind of like correlated. They are exactly the same. I think. Yeah. I don't know too much, but.

Yeah, I don't know. If I had to guess. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know, man. If you can like, I think it's all going to fall apart anyway at some point. Yes. So you just got to like, I think about's all going to fall apart anyway at some point. Yes.

So you just got to like, I think about eating box dude is don't remember you. That's true. Forever. Yeah. They'll be like, I do loved shredding box and that's how I want to be remembered. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'd like to, you don't have to deal with like any of like the emotions. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, So you have sex with a chick. Like there's so much, you know, you can also then like kind of use that as like a car like a playing card and be like dude i ate your box for 20 minutes last night like you can fucking do the dishes again yeah you can make me a fucking sandwich yeah i earned that yeah i agree dude i yeah i'm just not that into it but i'll you know what i'll get into it dude

i'll learn the ways like i told you i wake up at like 10 on the weekends yeah and uh my girlfriend by the time i woke up had finished running a half marathon wow yeah holy shit 13 miles i saw the text she was like yeah just finish it i'm just like casually or like for a potential goal? She ran it with her dad. They were like set a thing, whatever. But like as I got the text, I was literally like in my bed just slapping my meat. Yeah. Did you feel like shit? Yeah, I felt terrible.

That's why I walked 30 minutes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude, that's that's another level though man yeah that's crazy dude yeah i can't run for shit i mean you could fucking try dude i could try yeah even just the effort dude like if she saw you doing fucking wind sprints yeah down the road or something like that yeah with a parachute on my back yeah do you get one of those fucking sleds i have one at home i can give it to you dude really just put weights

on it and i just put it like just drive the fuck out of your knees dude i have like an asthma attack dude that would that would nothing would turn a woman on like that nothing dude and i immediately dive head first into her box dude yeah that's the i think that's the key right there yeah man there's nothing better you you hit the gym at all or no uh i go to planet fitness like twice a month you piece of shit dude yeah what do you do you like play xbox or like uh what are you doing in your free time my free time i do a lot of uh yeah i play a lot of golf video games oh video games not like real golf no no yeah i do i play uh 2k 21 pga tour 2k it's a three-year-old it's only xbox 360 yeah it's actually on my computer i played on my computer yeah

hell yeah dude i think i got a virus on my computer though yeah i've only whacked off on my computer five times in my life but i think i got it from like uh stealing like uh software i mean yeah that'll do it for sure man like adobe premiere to try to do videos my computer just doesn't work yeah that makes sense that adds up for sure that's like that's like treason dude yeah it is dude you can literally you get fucked if you get caught with all that shit yeah yeah man i i respect i mean i can get on both ends you know because i'm like addicted to xbox yeah people just don't get it man no they don't get the camaraderie no they don't at all they also don't get the uh dude it's like if you're playing Xbox,

you're not doing the other shitty stuff. It's a vice, you know? Yeah. It's like you're not fucking smoking bogues or... It's like pick your poison, you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. None of us want to be here. Yeah.

We got to do something. We got to do something to escape. I just wish like, you know, I wish chicks understood what it's like to go to war you know what i'm saying yeah you gotta be like look virtually dude yeah like when your boy you know when your boy's down and you have to revive him yeah and you make this epic comeback you know yeah it's like imagine this there's a taylor swift concert yeah and you and all your girlfriends have to get into that concert there's five million people trying to get in only 40,000 get the tickets you get whatever weapons you want dude they would just start crying their eyes out

because they would know that the balance of life and death in a scenario like that yeah and they'd know they'd lose some of their girlfriends. Yeah. And they'd be at that concert just crying, thinking about their friends and how much they would enjoy that they made it. Yeah, and they would do whatever it takes. And they would do whatever it takes. That's what it's like, dude.

Yeah. I don't know. You know, it's like, dude, even if I went out and some chick was like, like some hot chick showed me her tits and was like, you want to slap these fucking beanbags around, baby? Yeah. I'd be like, I mean, like I would want to get to know you first. Like I wouldn't just like hop right in.

No. I'd be like, you want to like, you know, get some food or something. Maybe like talk about life a little bit. Yeah. And then show me the tits. Yeah. I know dudes who would like immediately suck on them though. Yeah. That's a little alarming. I like immediately suck on them though. Yeah.

That's a little alarming. I can't do that, dude. I've never had a one night stand. I have the softest penis in all the land if I try to do that. Really? Yeah. Because there's like no emotional connection. There's no emotional connection.

Dude, I need to like know who you are. I need to know that you want this. You know, like. You said that to a girl, i would cry laughing i need to know that you want and i like do it tomorrow dude that's you in like seven years at an applebee's yeah some chick who just got out of jail just a horseshoe bald head i need to know that you want to get like a two for 20 with some fat chick. You're like, I need I need to know now before we get any more. Any time? Yeah.

You can't even say stuff like that, though, dude. No, man. They're all sluts now, dude. You think so? Yeah. I haven't been out there much, dude, but I've heard some stuff. Yeah, dude. Don't go on.

Don't go on hinge or anything like that. They're all sluts, or anything like that they're all sluts dude you think they're all sluts actually hinge is probably better tinder that's slut heaven oh yeah i mean if anything i would want a slut like i don't really want an emotional connection right now yeah just because of the fallout you know i can't handle that right now no it's got too much going on dude yeah you know i'm an emotional guy dude that's good dude i'm the same way i'm a romantic yeah i like i the way i got my current girlfriend is i uh i just like literally pursued her for like a year wow and like she was like hooking up with other guys i didn't hook up with any other girls holy shit dude and i would give her like a little mint every time i saw her a little like

a little mint and uh i just totally tricked her into dating me wow yeah like manipulation or just like relentless pursuit i think it's a little bit of both a little bit of both yeah it's definitely not like i don't think she's totally you know has all of her free will in this situation i think i kind of snuck in there yeah whatever it takes whatever it, dude. Whatever it takes, dude. Yeah. At least you know, man. At least, yeah, I'm aware of it. I'm not like, I don't think I'm this like cool guy. If you were unaware, I'd have to let you know.

Just be like, hey, man. You don't deserve her. Yeah, dude. Yeah. But I know. And it's fine. I'm so immature, dude. And romantic at the same time. So it like doesn't go well together. Yeah. It's fucked. I'm so immature, dude, and romantic at the same time.

So it doesn't go well together. It's fucked me up in a lot of situations. You're a prom boy. Yeah, I've bought chicks flowers too many times in my life. It's been that way. Yeah, they don't like that. Yeah, I always do it at the wrong time. You know what I mean?

Like after I fuck up, and then I'll write a letter. And stick it in the wrong time you know what i mean like after i fuck up and then i'll write a letter and stick it like in the flowers in the flowers and i'll uh find a way to drop them off oh and i'll expect the world from it yes it just ends terribly that's the problem they get pissed when you do that yeah they're like you fucked up like yeah you know even though i didn't even do anything that wrong yeah you're just kind of being a pussy you're being a pussy and then when you make this huge effort then they think that you think you fucked up yeah and then they they know that they have the advantage oh next time dude fuck that dude i'm gonna take a shit in a fucking like platter yeah and like fuck like three chicks probably hookers i'm gonna pay to pay for them, dude.

And put all of their pregnancy tests on the platter. And just drop off the platter, dude. Yeah, yeah. And then she'll be like, I love you. Yeah, exactly. That's what you need to do. Yes, you have to be a psycho. Yeah, you can't be a pussy out there, dude.

No. Which is what I am. Yeah, dude, me too. Me too, dude. I write letters all the time. Really? I'm always writing letters. Oh, yeah. dude me too yeah me too dude i write letters all the time really i'm always writing letters and like that's so that's like your hobby dude yeah writing letters man yeah it is i i like right dude i also write erotic literature wow erotic isn't like sexual yeah so like you write the bios for like pornos no i write like full-blown story dude i wrote a i wrote like

literally 110 page novel erotic novel holy yeah it's awesome it's so good sex in the city or like um it's like this story about a uh professor and a student at the university of colorado a uh professor and a student at the university of colorado and the uh the professor takes a lot of mushrooms and is like having these visions of this girl so they end up uh he ends up like basically sexually harassing her in this classroom but she's into it dude because i wrote it and uh but she's into it dude because i wrote it and uh then they like she starts having dreams about this guy yeah so they're almost like destined to be together and then like the school board starts to find out about it so uh they have to like really be careful but then there's like this scene where the girl's parents show up and he's giving like a speech to the class and uh in the middle of the speech

another kid starts like another kid comes up and talks and the teacher goes to the back and just starts fucking the student in the back of the classroom that's 110 pages 110 pages so you like ease into it a little bit i ease into it paraphrasing i start i now. I start with a solo masturbation scene. Is this hardcover? It's not, but I think I might get it printed. Yeah, you should charge extra for the hardcover, dude. Yeah. You're going to ruin some books, dude.

Yes, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, the pages should be laminated so they're easy to clean. I thought you meant like you wrote like porno like bios. No. You know, I have like the description. It's like Sammy comes home from soccer practice.

Oh, no. You know what I mean? I'm not retarded. They're always like Sammy comes home and she gets more than she bargained for. Those bios will like you'll lose like five years of your life in those things. Yeah. Even the titles are like I'm glad they make them like they are i'm glad they don't like bury the lead you know like you know exactly it's gonna be like slut shame

black cock i'm like all right i know what's gonna happen in this one it's just amazing man how like you can watch that type of stuff like just you know i can like watch a hot chick get like her tits slapped around and then like banged but like in real life dude nothing nothing nothing yeah absolutely nothing dude yeah there's something to like someone you don't know you don't like know their you know where they live because people are always like oh the like porn is dangerous you know yeah it might lead to like actual and it's like no it's actually the exact opposite i mean if i wasn't watching this then maybe i'd be like humping telephone poles yeah you know because i'd have nothing else dude yeah exactly so it's like yeah once you see it

you're like oh like once you talk to a girl too and you're like oh now i know like what you sound like in the wild like i don't want to berate you you know like i don't want to make you feel gross dress you up force you to wear a choker chain i don't want to do any of that shit yeah like you have a mother i'll do that to her yeah for sure yeah do you ever have a a girl who had like a hot mom no yeah not really no but even if they weren't hot you still like had that thought there's still that thought yeah a lot of them were like very like especially if you played sports you know they'd be like oh good game friday you must be so sore yeah just like hard as a rock yeah and they have like that touch like that like energy that the girl doesn't it's all about the

touch too man dude it really is in any relationship man like the touch is very important yeah i like the like a scratch on top of my head like one of these oh wow yeah love that dude i go full-blown autism holy shit yeah i just start like my eyes roll back wow dude yeah i'm a big like cuddler dude yeah you know what i'm saying yeah i like to like scissor and like join in as one oh wow and i just feel unstoppable dude like a chinese finger trap yeah like a lock and it's kind of like that's why i'm into like bigger chicks oh yeah because you can kind of just like slide in there yeah it's like a you fit like right in the catcher's mitt yeah you just rest your head on their stomach dude it's like wow yeah it's like a you fit like right in the catcher's mitt yeah you just rest your head on their stomach dude it's like wow yeah it's like a waterbed yeah it's fucking wild man unlike anything else it's funny you mention that because like i've never been with like a big chick

but uh my first like like wet dream ever yeah was like i walked i was in like my grandpa's house and i walked into this back room and there was just like a fucking slab of a woman like sitting on a bed she had like a body of a pyramid you know like just rolls and fat and uh she was just sitting there naked and like you couldn't tell what was a tit or like what was just like a flat dude and i walked up to her and i like like she was disgusting her face everything was about her it's gross i walked up to her and i just like grabbed her and i just woke up and busted everywhere holy shit wow that was my first ever like sexual, and I had no idea what it was. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not into morbidly obese women. I just meant chubby chicks. Yeah, this woman was... I don't think you could live being this fast. She was like Jabba the Hutt. Yeah. I like them a little chubby, too, dude. I like a little chubby.

Yeah, man. A little bit of chub is natural, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it is, dude. There's a fine line chubby. Yeah, man. A little bit of chub is natural, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it is, dude. There's a fine line, though. Yeah. There is a fine line. Yeah, man. I celebrated my birthday April 20th.

I ended up doing a few shows in Rhode Island and Mass. No one really wanted to hang out on my birthday, which is a common theme, dude. It's always so depressing. It's because it's 420, right? Everyone wants to go home and smoke.

I don't know, man. And so I did these two shows, and I bombed relentlessly. And then I think Friday, Saturday, I started hitting people up who I grew up with. I'm like, dude, you want to grab a beer or something? Yeah. And they were were all like I can't tonight man you know I'm hanging out the the lady or whatever and I was just like fuck me dude like fuck my life I was in a fucking red roof in plus and I was just like dude fuck my life like I literally have nothing to do so I ended up going to Boston and uh I went to one of my childhood friend's apartments. It's in Seaport, so it's a very nice area. So we go out to this bar and it's just me and him drinking.

Just two dudes talking about tits. And then this dude who I work with lives in Boston. And he found out I was there. So he ends up coming. So now I'm with a dude who I fucking work with and my childhood best friend

yeah very awkward like yeah situation but we ended up getting like pretty drunk ended up being like fine

yeah from a dude standpoint like we were all getting along yeah so it's like one in the morning dude we're surrounded

by hot chicks at a bar just three dudes talking no one's made a move at all so it's like one in the morning and i see like these three chicks across from us and i go all right boys i'm going in like i'm gonna shred it and they're like all right man good luck so i'm walking towards this girl and i see another girl walk by in a red dress and the girl i'm trying to flirt with another girl walk by in a red dress. And the girl I'm trying to flirt with looks at the girl in the red dress and gives like the most disgusting look I've ever seen in my life. Yeah.

Like visibly like hated this chick in the red dress. So for some reason I'm like cocked, dude. I walk up to this hot chick I'm trying to hit on and I was like, that's my girlfriend. Like out of all the things I could possibly say I was like that's my girlfriend and she was like and I was like adamant about it I was like no no I don't think you're looking at the right chick like that chick in the red dress like that's my girl like we're dating made, like, the most disgusting face ever. Like, didn't say anything. And that was, dude, that was the first time in my life I just walked away from a girl.

I walked up to my boys, and I was like, dude, let's go downstairs. I was like, can we please go downstairs? Just defeated. Oh, God. So we're downstairs, dude, and I just try to forget what happened. And I see the girl in the red dress who the other girl looked at like disturbingly. You're my girlfriend. Bro, this chick in the red dress is walking down the stairs, and it's a grown man in a red dress.

Like a legitimate grown man, dude. And I was just like, like dude i cannot be out here i gotta go to a new city i need to like leave right now it was like the ugliest grown man i've ever seen in my life too dude his nose was like four inches long oh my god dude he had he had body hair wearing a red it was a it was a drag dude i was like dude oh my god fuck dude i'm surprised that line didn't work then. That would have been so funny. Dude, that's what I'm saying.

But she was like, I've never seen someone, like a woman, so disturbed. Like, she was so upset. Yeah. Dude, that's, oh, man. Dude, that should have worked. The problem is, like, dude, some, like, super hot chicks, like, they don't have any sense of humor at all. Dude, some super hot chicks, they don't have any sense of humor at all. So you could be the funniest guy in the world, and they just don't understand. They just don't care, dude.

And you're like, dude. Because usually humor is what gets us in the door. But if it's a dumb enough broad, dude, they're just not going to get it. Yeah. I kind of want that, though, dude. It is fun. I kind of want that though dude it is i kind of want a chick who just doesn't understand comedy at all dude yes because then i can just like be relentless like just be like whatever like because it's everything's just over her head

just like someone who understands comedy and like judges me for it they're like oh that joke fucking suck yeah oh i'd rather someone just be like i don't even know what happened what were you talking about they're like oh they just kind of smile and go like this they're like, I don't even know what happened. What were you talking about? Yeah. They're like, oh, you have a show tonight? They just kind of smile and go like this. They're like, oh, it's the biggest night of your life. Like, tonight? Yeah, tonight. You're like, yeah, you don't even have to come. At the Grizzly Bear?

You don't even have to come. Yeah, please don't come. And just sit in the crowd like. Yeah, dude. I'm surprised that line didn't work. Well, the fact that I didn't know that it was a grown man is what really that's what hurts you that's what hurts me the most man yeah dude they like you really can just like get a girl from a bar by doing something nuts like when i was in

college i uh i was like hopelessly single i had no idea i didn't even know i was funny at all like my friends always thought i was funny but like i was funny at all like my friends always thought i was funny but like i thought it was just like our friend group whatever so i never like tried to make girls laugh or whatever but i went into a uh there's this nightclub where like everyone is like dancing and having around and there was this girl who was like pretty hot and i just like turned to my friend i was it's the same thing dude you just get that that wave of courage like dude we're storming normandy it's the same thing, dude. You just get that, that wave of courage. Like dude, we're storming Normandy. It's the same thing as cod.

You're like, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to jump on this grenade. Yeah. And I saw her and, uh, I just like jumped up next to her and just started fucking rubbing my butt like all over her.

Oh shit. And, she like turned around, she was like so shocked. And then like she turned around and started rubbing my butt, her butt on me. So, her butts were just, like, rubbing against each other. Wow. And I was, like, I think this is working.

It's one of those situations where I'm, like, I think this is working. I don't know. It doesn't seem like a normal step. And she just grabbed my arm and took me out of the bar. Wow. And then we got, like, 20 steps away. I got so scared. I fucking left. Wow. And then we got like 20 steps away. I got so scared. I fucking left.

Wow. Yeah. I got so nervous because I'd never had anything work before. Yeah. Like just one foul swoop of a move. So you had it in the bag. I had it in the bag.

Jesus Christ. Which is almost like good enough to be like, I got this. I don't know, man. You bail at that point. I'm trying to justify my fear. Dude, I got so. I don't know, man. You bail at that point. I'm trying to justify my fear. Dude, I got so scared. I don't know what it was.

Yeah, man. I've ended up at Chick's house. I've ended up at a Chick's house and not done anything. Yeah. And then I took a shit in her bathroom and left. Like I clogged the toilet and just left yeah you just felt uncomfortable there so there was just like no right moment to make a move yeah you know what i mean that is the worst you kind of have to just do it yeah it's like they just

want you to fucking grab them yeah they. They want you to rape them. I don't know, man. You just went from, yeah, man, I was so scared I bailed, to like, yeah, dude, full speed, bro. Full speed ahead. Well, that was a problem. I bailed because I didn't want to rape her. I just wanted to. I think they definitely want you to initiate the moves.

It's not really fair for them too, but at the same time, you can't auditorily be like, hey, what do you want to do next? Do you want me to kiss you on your mouth? Yeah. Yeah, dude, you can't do that. Which I do all the time.

Anytime I was on a date, I'd be like, I'd like to kiss you now. And they're just like, go ahead. And then I never hear from them again. You would get, like, really depressed around chicks, though, dude. Yeah. I've cried in front of girls before, yeah. I think that used to be a big problem of mine, man.

I'd be hanging out with a chick, and I would just, like, get really sad. And I would start, like, telling her how sad I was. Yeah. I was like, you ever just, like, you know, listen to,, listen to like Avril Lavigne and like bawl your eyes out? She'd be like, I mean, why are we doing this right now? So over time, like I kind of learned like at least pretend to be like a little positive. Yes.

You know what I mean? The confidence will never be there, man. But as far as like trying to at least like have a good time. You want to be a good Hank. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to bring people down you gotta like really know a girl like well yeah like to really get sad that's why the chads crush man she's just so confident they're so and they also don't know like real emotions register with them yeah they're not afraid of just like yeah you gotta be kind of smart to be sad i think

like you might think you're a dumbass like that's that might be like your own perception yeah but like to do comedy and to like be depressed you have to be a fucking smart guy yeah you have to see things for what they really are yes which is takes a lot man which it takes a lot because everything sucks yeah for sure yeah like the emotional intelligence yeah it's definitely like you also have to remember that there's a lot of people that feel the same like sometimes i think that's the hardest thing it's like you're like fuck i feel like shit all my friends seem to be doing fine but like most of them aren't you know yeah they're just pretending yeah yeah so there is like that camaraderie in that where it's like oh no we all want to kill ourselves oh yeah for sure it's like when you, no, we all want to kill ourselves. Oh, yeah, for sure.

It's like when I sit down with people, like, on the podcast, I'm like, oh, this person's, like, a human being. Yeah. You know? Yeah, dude, totally. Like, their reputation might be like, you know, this person's, like, a big swinging dick. But at the end of the day, it's like, oh, this is a fucking human being. Yeah, he's insecure or whatever. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. How many white guys have you had sitting in this chair good amount dude i was gonna i just like just started a podcast yeah um untitled podcast check it out um i gotta come up with a name for it but uh it's in my bed and uh i i want to have like there's this one black guy i want to have on but uh i didn't know how to ask him like how to bring him on yeah so uh the only thing i knew about him was he likes to freestyle rap so i was like hey do you want to like come on my podcast we can freestyle rap he's like i don't know dude sure i guess yeah that's

always the toughest man when you have to ask them to come on yeah you're just thinking about what to say for like 45 minutes yeah and then you just fucking say the dumbest shit possible yeah exactly yeah you're like oh we'll go into this and then this and then the worst is when you think if you say something that someone's going to respond a certain way yeah so you're like oh then we'll go down here and then like they respond like oh you're like oh no this is a nightmare best thing to do is just like ask them straight up if they want to come yeah and then just save everything for when they get there yes yeah that's when you tell them like, hey, this is actually in my bed. Because they can't go anywhere.

No. I did that with the first one. I was like, hey, not only is this my first podcast, to some guy, I was like, not only is this my first, but it's in my bed.

And he just walked in and he was just like, I gotta use the bathroom. And he just went into the bathroom for like five minutes. Jesus. I think he's trying to find a window to escape out of. Yeah.

Oh, dude. I feel some serious heat under my ass right now. Really? Yeah. I'm sure I do. Sorry, dude. I had some big farts this morning. From last night?

I think from last night. I've been eating a lot of Reese's peanut butter cups. That'll do it, man. I was thinking about this time. Did you guys have like a, were you the kid in school who would just fart like in class whenever? Whenever? Yeah. No, it was usually like once a year.

Okay. Like an assembly. No, no, I would fart in class. Okay. Yeah, I would wait until like the last few days of school and then i would uh so when all your grades were secure and everything yeah i would just think about like everything that's going on that year you know how i haven't said anything all year and then i would just be like just dude just let it rip like it'll be worth it that's all i need

to say there was this kid who used to fart all the time in class and it was every single time it's the funniest fucking thing and uh there was this one time i remember he was like he was in my english class he was sitting in the literally the front seat like less than 10 feet away from the teacher and he just rips ass in the middle of a test. But he did it in a way that wasn't the finale. He ripped ass to get everyone's attention on him. Almost like dimming the house lights in a theater. And after he rips it, everyone looks up and he just crumples up his test. Stands up, turns around, and just spikes it off the head of this girl sitting behind him

it was the funniest fucking thing and and then immediately like the teacher didn't have to say anything he just walked out of the classroom went to the dean's office she's like you know where you're going yeah there was a kid who i like really wanted to be friends with when i was younger in middle school and you could go to the library during this period it was like a study period and you could take a hall pass to the library to get a book or like sit down so i saw him in the library reading this book and i really wanted to like set a first like impression so i sat across from him and i was pretending to read this book. And the librarian at that time, her father had just passed away, and she was, like, super emotional, and I, like, didn't know. So she's, like, organizing books, and she's, like, really sad.

Dude, I just kept ripping ass, like, relentlessly, and, like, staring into this kid's eyes, like, hoping he would laugh. And he was just straight-faced the whole time. He, like, wouldn't budge at all, dude.ed like four times oh my god and at a certain point i was like yo dude last one for the boys i just fucking ripped and the librarian walked over and she's like you need to leave like you need to get the fuck out of here and i was like oh i'm sorry and the kid never never said anything? She was like, he's trying to read. You can't see that.

And I was like, I just like, I don't know what I'm doing. And I got sent out of the library, dude. Oh, man. And it was just like an emotional moment for me, man. Because I was like, I really wanted to like be friends with this kid. Yeah, dude. He seemed like that type of guy who would like find that funny. And he just rejected who you are. Yeah, like four f this kid. Yeah, dude. He seemed like that type of guy who would find that funny. And he just rejected who you are.

Yeah, like four farts in a row, dude. That's insane willpower. And a library, too, man. Yeah, literally the mecca of farts. Yeah, it's like, what book are you reading, dude? How are you lost in the words of this book right now? I've never once went to a library and read, dude. It's strictly for trying to make people laugh.

You ever think about ripping ass with your girlfriend? I did it one time and she fucking hated it. No, no. I meant like you guys farting together. Like in tandem? Yeah, like you ever think about doing it one night? Dude, I've thought about it i mean i would i would be down she wouldn't but she also believes that farts just slip out

naturally like a queef yeah like like you don't have control i'm telling you dude one night when you're feeling silly man just take out like a grill lighter and be like you want to fucking shred it yeah you want to burn this place to the ground a blue angel yeah dude i did that with one of my exes man really yeah dude i uh i tried lighting one of my farts on fire and uh i like held it up wicked close to my butthole and i farted and uh dude i almost started a fire yeah in my room like at my mom's house and uh we started looking up news articles, and that happens a lot. Yeah, dude. Like something will catch.

Yeah. Not only that, dude, but you'll burn the outer ring of your asshole from the fart. Yeah. But, dude, I had her on the bed with her legs open, and she was about to do it. And she just couldn't stir up a fart, dude. Wow, dude. If that happened dude and i saved the video and what prison is she in now imagine dude if you got that on video oh my god

dude put like put that on instagram yeah you know that's legendary yeah chicks never fart dude they hide ever dude yeah yeah like there was like she was she believes that like most farts just come out without you controlling it. I was like, I've controlled everyone. Everyone of my farts has been timed and sequenced. Yeah. Like, I know exactly the moment that it's starting and ending. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a lifestyle, man. It is. They don't get it, dude. They don't get it. It is weird, though. I've had buddies who have had girls who, like, farted around them. Okay.

They were in relationships and like they would just fart man it just wasn't funny yeah i don't know you guys because it's not like big and it's always like a boop and it's like dude come on like if i'm getting one going and you like really when you really like force it out yeah and it gets those cheeks clattering dude it's it's like, brrrr, dude, it's the best. Yeah, and the girls are there for the reaction. That's their sole purpose. Yes.

To be there, to be like, that's disgusting. To be like, what? Yeah, yeah. You're just dying of laughter. Yeah, dude. I wish you could hit on chicks like that. Yeah. What the brrrr are you doing here?

Yeah, we'll just rip an ass in front of them. You know what I mean? Yeah. What the brr are you doing here? Yeah, we'll just like rip an ass in front of him. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. It is amazing that the human body is capable of making that sound. Yeah, but dude, just like imagine like seeing a chick at like the gym or in like a park or something. Just like walking up to her like straight faced and like ripping one. And then like you go on a date afterwards. And then. like straight faced and like ripping one and then like you go on a date afterwards and then but what if like but the problem is i feel like if that's how you get her that's how you have to keep her around yeah and i think that's a tough lifestyle dude

no i don't think that at all i think it's a red flag if she like didn't find that funny oh okay yeah like if a girl doesn't... Yeah. Dude, anyone who doesn't find farts funny, man, that's a big red flag. Yeah, it's like a psychopathic trait. Yeah. Yeah. You're probably an alien. You have some kind of... Dude, it's just a funny thing.

Like the human body is like when God created humans. He was like, look, you're going to be hungry, thirsty. You're going to feel sadness and pain and all this shit. Life's going to be tough, but you're going to be able to make the fucking funniest sound from your ass. And we're like, yeah, that's fine. That's all we know, man. That's all we know. That's why we're here.

Yeah. That's probably the first joke ever is a fart. You think so? Do you think cavemen laughed at farts? Probably, for sure. They had to have. They probably didn't have great farts, though, because they were eating just twigs and berries. I wonder what happened in the year one when they were sitting down for dinner.

Yeah. They said grace if someone farted during that. Yeah. I wonder if they laughed. Did you see their tunic thing? grace like if someone farted during that yeah i wonder if they laughed you see their tunic thing well dude if they were saying grace and someone farted during grace like they probably got crucified they probably did yeah because it wouldn't rain for like seven years imagine being the guy who passes away for farting during like a, you know. Just his head tumbling down the fucking pyramids.

Some dude died during the last supper that we don't know about. Yeah. Just because he fucking cranked one. Yeah. Right while Jesus is washing his feet. Imagine if like during the Passion of the Christ, someone ripped ass. Oh, God. They threw him right up next to me.

Dude, that would have to be a comedy after that. It would have to be, yeah. If they put it at the end, too. Yeah, dude. That might be the greatest timing in world history, is to have a fart queued up for the Passion of Jesus Christ. Wow, dude. And it's a roman oh nice dude and it's a roman soldier so it's like echoing off of like his metal fucking armor they probably ripped fucking dimes too because they're eating pretty good they're eating good yeah they smelled like

shit for sure that's like this dude that's the most beautiful thing about like all this processed food we eat it makes like great smelling farts like your farts are like they're not like when you have a healthy fart with like protein and shit dude it smells gross if you have if you've been eating mcdonald's it's like just this like really odorless just like loud they're like designed for you man but dude if i eat like shitty food man and i fart it's like you have a bad fart yeah it's one of those farts that like seeps out but you can like feel the heat yeah and it's just dude yeah that's like not even funny no yeah it's just sad it's like just dense, dude. It's like... Yeah.

If that hits someone in the face, like... Yeah, they're going down. You'd ruin their day for sure. Yeah, they're going down for the count, dude. Yeah, dude. It's also at the height of a child's head. That kid just lost IQ points from this part. He's dumber now because of that.

All right, dude. Well, this was a pleasure man yeah dude i'm really glad we got to do this i'm a big fan of this show so i didn't know who you were at first and i'm sorry but i just i'd never met you it's fine i didn't know who you were until i saw your thing so oh by the way do you know alan fitzgerald? Yeah, we started out in Rhode Island. He's my roommate. Oh, really? You guys live together? He lives in the door right next to mine. Oh, wow.

Yeah, because I knew he's a Rhode Island guy, so I know you do a lot of this area. But, yeah, I mentioned to him he said to say hi. He's like, yeah, tell Salami I said hi. Yeah, I haven't seen him in a while. did we start off in rhode island together yeah but he's a he's a fucking killer hilarious yeah that's so funny that you live together dude before we end can i tell you one story about him um he barks at the pair a lot so uh one night it was like supposed to rain a whole bunch. And he's like, ah, man, it's supposed to rain all night.

And I'm like, yeah, do you have an umbrella? He's like, nah, I just always lose them. So I'm like, all right. I was like, well, I have an umbrella if you want to use it. And he's like, nah, I'm going to lose it. I'm like, dude, just don't lose it. You know, just like hang on to it. Know where you put it. He's like, all right, fine.

I'll take. So he takes the umbrella. He goes to the pair. He barks. I get a call at 1230 at night. He's like, hey, buddy. Yeah, I lost your umbrella. It's like, what do you mean?

Like, you're like, where did you leave it? He's like, yeah, I left it in the grizzly pear, I think. I'm like, well, where are you? He's like, I'm at the pear. I'm like, then find it. He's like, nah, I can't find it. So he just never looked for it. He just lost it where he was.

Never found it. Yeah. I wonder if he has, like, a secret fetish for, like, umbrellas, dude. Maybe. And he's just, like, he's just putting them it. Jesus. Yeah. I wonder if he has like a secret fetish for like umbrellas, dude. Maybe. And he's just like, he's just putting them in, hitting the button. He like shoves them up his ass and then like saves them. Literally for a rainy day. But, uh, but yeah, dude, thanks for having me.

I appreciate it. You don't have a name for your podcast yet. I think I'm going to call it news from bed, but right now it's called The Untitled Podcast. Okay. Actually, if you're free tomorrow at 2 when you want to do it, Michael Good's doing it. Okay. So it's up to you. All right.

It's kind of a ways away, so I understand. Yeah, dude. All right. Well, thanks for coming, man. Absolutely. Pretty good time, dude. It was a pleasure to meet you. It was a pleasure to meet you, too.

Yeah, anything else you want to say to the... Just check out my Instagram, pattyisfunky. That's got my YouTube and shit on there. All right, thank you, brother.