The Johnny Salami Podcast - Rachel Williams

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

Rachel Williams by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Thank you. Oh, bro, I'm hurting. Can you take yourself seriously drinking out of that water bottle? Yeah, dude, this is almost... It's almost a gallon. If I drink that in one day, dude, fuck, man. Unstoppable. Unstoppable. Should we listen to Goggins, dude?

Yeah. You said I should drive in a snowstorm, because David Goggins would. Dude, it's raining. It was a snowstorm yesterday. Yeah, but you have, like like a Prius, dude. You're the type of person who would be... Die in a snowdrift?

I haven't seen you since I flicked you off in your Prius, dude. And you just stopped talking to me, dude. When did you flick me off in my Prius? We were in Rhode Island, remember? Yeah. And we said goodbye. Yeah. It was like an emotional moment, dude.

And then I drove by you and flicked you off when you were in your Prius. Did I see it? And then I sent you like four messages. One of them was like calling you gay and you didn't answer for like two months. Wow. I haven't heard from you in like two months, dude.

Man, I must have been pissed. Calling you out, bro. You must have been fucking pissed. I was upset, dude. I was like, was it the Prius thing thing it's so embarrassing to have a prius it was so funny though because i was like dude you have to drive by her and like flick her off in your head that's what i was like oh it's gonna be so i don't remember you doing that so i think actually it wasn't me it was a different girl in prius it was such a big moment for me too you also that was the that was when i was like i'm i'm in the cold like i'm just gonna meet you there and you're like no

wait for me and i was like great i'll wait in this abandoned park oh by johnson and wales when i went to college yeah i was literally like 500 feet away from you false i could see you like looking around and then i also that was i stood you up that in the park with bugs oh yeah dude i was uh what a piece of shit it's my it's been my whole life like recently dude people literally just bailing on me dude and i spent so much time man just thinking about what could have been no honestly like i got a little teary-eyed when that day when you're like it was just me and bubs and just the idea of every car coming up and being like, that's what it was.

I know I was looking around. I really only felt bad for bubs. Yeah. Yeah. I kept looking around. I was like, where is she? Dude. You know?

And honestly, deep down, it was just for Bob too. It wasn't even for me. Like I didn't, I didn't want to see you. I know. I just want to see you. Yeah. Soccer ball. Are you kidding me? I feel like I let him down Like, I didn't want to see you. I know. I just wanted Bub to see you. I just wanted Bub to see you. Yeah. Yeah. Soccer ball? Are you kidding me?

I feel like I let him down. You got to start running Bub's a little bit more. Running? Yeah. No. He's out of shape. I start feeding him more, dude. No, bro.

What do you think this is? You need to Goggins him. Yeah. No, he's hoping to get him. You're in shape. No. Yeah. Yeah.

No, dude. It's all about just the illusion. Got it. Dude, he hauls ass. Does he? Yeah. All right. Like, you could have seen it at the park, but you weren't there.

Fuck. So you can't even say anything, dude. But how long does he haul ass for? He's very, like, attached to me. Oh, man. Like, very. Yeah. He has, like, separation anxiety.

Yeah. So I'll do this thing, like, when we when we're in like an open field or something i'll start sprinting like a hundred yards full speed and he's and he'll start sprinting full speed yeah my bullies like that too it's like the the fear of abandonment is what gets him going yeah it's It's kind of sad, honestly. Yeah. But that's like, that's what I want from another human being. Yeah. You know? But we get it from our dogs.

Yeah. It's kind of nice. It's kind of sad, honestly. I'm not sad by it. I love my dog. Just knowing that like your dog is your best friend. Yeah. No, honestly.

That doesn't make you sad at all? No. Yeah. I wish I could have that connection. If you could have another career, what would it be? This is going somewhere. All jokes aside.

I'm going to kill myself. What are you drinking? Coffee. Thanks for offering me some. Probably just something in fitness. Like a trainer? No homo, you know. Only men?

No, I think trainers are gay, dude. So what would you do? Like fix a Stairmaster? I mean, yeah, that would think trainers are gay, dude. So what would you do? Like fix a stair master? I mean, yeah, that would be a great job, dude. How many hot chicks I would see? Yeah. Just there's way in the go on. I need to fix this.

I'll just be below you while you're on the thing. Yeah. Or fix like a Smith machine. What is that? It's like those things that chicks do like a hip thrusts on. Oh, yeah. I'll be like, I'm just gonna be like right below you. You need a spot.

I'm fixing this. Yeah, that's my whole feed, dude, is like volleyball chicks and just like fitness enthusiasts. Do volleyball chicks have good bods? I don't think they have good bods, but the shorts they wear, dude, are aggressively short. Do we need to wear those in volleyball i mean do you have to do anything in life anyway so you'd be fitness i'd work with dogs really yeah like you would take care of them or my idea of like having like no not a vet because i don't want to work with people and their dogs um i want to have like a dog farm

they have like a dog sanctuary oh like people just drop their dogs off and i'm like set them free in like an open field just let them run around yeah yeah it's not a bad idea charge like 80 bucks a day they just start killing each other dude you have no insurance yeah like all right well i tried that would be like low overhead too because it's just like an open field it doesn't even have to be about city folks i would be like this is amazing yeah there's no fields around here actually i'm probably gonna do it you know yeah it'll be like my passive income only like a side gig let's be real my only income but then i have to move and find a field or i just this is a lot to think

about yeah that would be a cool job though just to stare at ass all day oh you're talking about going back to the gym last time we talked about the gym you were checking out men by mistake oh yeah that happens too sometimes there's been a few dudes there's a lot of butter what's it called Butterface or butterface? Butterface. For men at the gym. Are you going to the gym still? Yeah.

Have you been doing my program that I sent you, dude? Nah, dude. I got a better program than yours. I sent you like a $100 program for free. Nah, dude. I got a better program. Yeah. Air dropped.

I showed you. Air dropped it to you. I showed you in the middle of the Lower East Side. Yeah. And then we went to the world's weirdest bar. That was a movie, dude. A movie? That was a movie.

Like, that experience was like. Yeah, that was. Yeah. That was my first Red Bull vodka. Wow. Yeah, I mean. It works. I thought you were actually going to, like, use the program, but.

Nah, dude, I got a better program. You're, like, doing that. Why would I do a program that. You're like doing that. Why would I do a program that you do? I don't want. Fuck you. That was so rude, dude. I don't want to be like.

I just lost like five years of my life, dude. You could have phrased that differently. I know. You know. All right, let's try it again. I don't want to look like a fucking linebacker. Exactly. Yeah.

I didn't know that though when you said it. I wouldn't be offended if you were like, I don't want to look like you. I think you would. No. If you were like, I want to look like you, I'd be like, oh. With the tone that you just said. I don't think you understand like your tone sometimes. You're like, I don't want to look like you. I get told that.

I get told that a lot. Yeah. That my tone sucks. It's all right i see through it it's fine yeah man people have just been bailing left and right do you flakes do you do that often to other people flakes no i used to well i mean you do it to me so i mean i mean the year 2024 i'm not a flake and I show up on time. So you just do it to gay people? What? You just flake on gays? Yeah.

People that are like secretly homosexual? Closet gays. Because that will help you come out. Yeah. Because you're like, you know what? They need to see me for who I really am. They don't see me now, but they will see me when I come out of the closet. Wow.

And want to look like Rachel, not a linebacker. Yeah, dude, I got bailed on by a fucking very good comedian for the podcast. And it hurt a lot, man, because she said she would love to come on. Right. And then we made a date and then I reached out that day and she read it, didn't respond. I bet I know who it is. Yeah. So that one hurt. Yeah. It's tough when people, a lot of people don't have cars

and it's hard to get to this place. Yeah, but people just need to be more open, you know, just be like, hey, I don't want to look at you. I don't want to be around you. It's not that. Well, that would make me happier if someone were just openly honest. I understand taking it that way. But is that how, yeah.

It's the same way like when I used to run a show in Brooklyn. I don't think it's like personal. I think people are just lazy. I think people just like don't care about each other. Yes. It's kind of sad, dude. I know. You sound like someone that hates New York.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I've been thinking about moving a lot. Really? Yeah, I always have. Back to Rhode Island? Maybe just in the woods somewhere, you know?

It's so peaceful here. Here. Oh. Where you are. Yeah, until you go outside. Yeah. Well, no, it's peaceful outside. No, just walk down the road.

You'll see some stuff. Yeah. I don't know, man. i shouldn't be having those thoughts though to move yeah because i'm also unhappy in other places oh yeah we've talked about this have we yeah yeah and i was like try drugs and you're like no i gotta feel like a man and i'm like okay feel it walking in front of a subway. I mean. Yeah. Maybe, or I could just change the culture, you know, maybe we could start a movement where people like actually care about each other. Yes. That would, you know.

And now, and then if people care about each other, people will have to use less antidepressants. Yeah. It's just, if no one cares about each other, then you're just going to start like a civil war, dude. You know what I mean? I think we're already there. Yeah. How fast do you think you would die in like an Armageddon moment?

Not that fast. I think I would. I would just pull my pants down. They'd be like, run! Yeah, you know how many homophobes there are around here? Yeah. They'd be like, no, I'm good, man. Yeah.

Let them live. Just like try and like go near. Yeah, it know how many homophobes there are around here? Yeah. They'd be like, nah, I'm good, man. Yeah. Let them live. Just like try and like go near. Yeah, it's smart. Yeah. And then you're strong and fast, so then. I think I would do that in like an altercation, too. You have to carry bubs, though. Yeah, dude, bubs is undefeated, dude.

I guess you put him in a backpack and run. You have no idea what that man's been through, dude. I think I do. Yeah. He took his manhood. Dude, one time, bro. Okay, so my Honda Accord doesn't have air conditioning. Never got it fixed.

So during the summer, I had to drive all the way to Boston to stay at my friend's house. And no one could take care of Bub. So I was like, all right, I'll just bring Bub. Dude, it's like 90 degrees. All right, no AC. And I'm like, all right, I just have to bring him. So he's like 90 degrees all right no ac and i'm like all right i just have to bring him yeah so he's in the passenger seat we made it like 15 minutes and we're stuck in traffic and he's like on the freeway he's barely alive and i was i was barely alive right i could barely breathe right he is fucking because especially when it's like traffic it's like the heat from the cars heat

from the sun heat from the cement you're in an oven yeah i was losing my mind i was about to start fucking peeling out dude just go the opposite direction you know just oncoming just bring them into like the nearest body of water and just throw them in there right uh it's scary when your english bulldog gets overheated dude i was like because it happens fast yeah i was like all right i mean bub's gonna pass away. That's what I just said to myself. I was like, listen, man, you gotta... Going to a gig, oh my God. And then the traffic freed up, dude, and I just went like 90.

Put all the windows down. There was some hope, you know, and then it was just that over and over again. Yeah. And then, dude, then a storm came. So all my windows are down and it's pouring rain And thundering and lightning

You must have looked insane Oh my dude Think about how you looked Just all windows down White knuckling the steering wheel With a half dead dog Just going 90 dude I bet police saw you and they're like

We don't need to There was definitely a few cop calls dude for sure They were like 90, dude. Literally going 90. I bet police saw you and they're like, we don't need to. Yeah. But he can do it. There was definitely a few cop calls, dude, for sure. Yeah. They were like, eh. Dude, afterwards, I was like, wow, that storm saved Bub's life. Yeah. That cooled him down, cooled me down.

Cooled you down emotionally, physically. You just got to thank Mother Nature, dude, for what she does. And that's survival. Yeah. You believe in naturally occurring shit like Mother Nature, like when she takes a course, or do you think it's the Jews? Oof, good question. That's like a question I would ask on like a first date.

She never returns from going to the bathroom. Yeah, we're like in applebee's but but it's the deadpan face that like a girl that's not in comedy would be like oh yeah you think it's the jews i think just with anything a deadpan face isn't gonna get you too far especially when you're talking about shoes do you believe in aliens um sometimes yeah i don't believe that we i don't know man like i want to but i feel like you do but you also feel like a homo saying it so you're not admitting to it i just feel like it's too gay yeah i knew it but you do believe in it i i don't want them to be real.

Why? Because I want humans to be like the apex predator, you know? I like feeling like we're like a rare. Oh, so you think aliens would win? Like in terms of like the charm. If aliens came, they would win? We would lose? I would like to think that if they came, we would win.

Right. You know? Yeah. It's just hard to think about another species just being like superior to us you know because that would change everything dude yeah you start you start having sex with aliens and you know who knows how that would be it'd probably be incredible yeah people keep talking about having there's going to be people are going to be having sex with robots soon and i just like...

Oh, the sex robots? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen that a few times. You would do it, wouldn't you? I mean, I've just seen it on like ads and stuff. Have you ever had sex with a sex doll? Do you own a sex doll? Well, when I had a girlfriend... Is it male or female?

When I had a girlfriend years ago, dude, back in the day when I had like confidence and stuff, she got me a pocket pussy for my birthday. And, uh, it was amazing, man. It was wild. I have so many questions. It was one of those things you use once, surprisingly, and you're like, this is just too much. I have so many questions.

Okay. Were you guys long distance? No, we were in high school. In high school. Into college a little bit. Was she like trying to be a cool girl? She was trying to be funny, yeah. She knew that I was like spanking and stuff.

I mean, obviously. Yeah. And she was like here. Actually seems like a winner. What happened to her? She broke up with me like all the other girls did. She became a flake. Yeah.

She deserved better, you know. And yeah, that's why I'm here now, dude. Shout out to Lisa. But dude, it's, oh my God, man. Dude, a pocket pussy feels like you're like getting head, right? No, it's supposed to feel like an actual

vagina. Oh. It just feels like you're like having sex with like a rotisserie chicken, which is every man's dream, dude. Like when I go to the supermarket dude that's all i'm thinking about i'm like dude just try it once because of the pocket pussy or because men love no men just know that like a rotisserie chicken would feel like a real vagina yeah but they just know you can't be seen like obviously fucking a chicken what else would feel like a real vagina

i know the apple pie thing does ah yeah i don't think that's i think the chicken would be more i think chicken more just like to slide in between like two breasts dude you know it's all the science so you used the pocket pussy once and then called it a day yeah i was like this is too powerful for me do you clean it up yeah you like clean out the inside and stuff put in the washer machine i honestly stowed it away for years and then a few years later i was like dude let's run it back you know what i mean hell yeah yeah it like makes a sound though dude is it like yeah i mean dude it makes a realistic sound what What? Yeah, well, dude, when I was in college, there was a girl who lived, like, a few doors down that I hooked up with. And, dude, her nickname was Mac and Cheese.

Because, dude, she would, like, play with herself in front of her roommates. And they called her Mac and Cheese because it would, like, make a sound like you put your hand in, like, mac and cheese. No, i get it i'm not i'm just i want to know her roommates were girls yeah all females see why do people do this the concerning thing wasn't like the mac and cheese name for me it was like the fact that she was masturbating in front of her roommates like Like, what is that? What is that psychological need attention? Was she a butterface? She was, like, a solid five.

Okay. You know, she had a really big butt. Okay. Which was cool, you know? No, the reason I ask that is because, like, I don't know. I feel like sometimes people feel like they need to, like, do something extra to be seen. I think she just is just passionate about masturbating who i would i i don't think i could ever

masturbate in front of unless it was like involved with sex you know what i'm saying okay like i don't think i could you masturbate in front of your roommates? Like on the weekend, you mean? Like, could you masturbate in front of your roommate? Uh, no, probably not. That's a wild thing to do. Yeah, dude. Mac and cheese also really turned my stomach. Yeah, I'm the type of, like, I can't poop in front of people or I can't even pee in front of another man.

So what do you do in public restrooms? Uh, well, I just mean, like, if I had to pee right now, like if we were in the woods or something, we were the only people alive and I was like, I have to pee. Like I would be like, hey, can you look away? Okay. That makes sense. Not because of my penis, but just because like I need to focus. It's also because your penis.

Yeah. Trying to hide that. But yeah. Yeah. I just need to focus, you know, like masturbating. Like you got to be in the right mindset. You can't just be doing it in front of people. I mean, some people can, I just need to focus, you know, like masturbating, like you got to be in the right mindset. You can't just be doing it in front of people. I mean, some people can, I guess, but it's like you need to be like alone.

It's like an alone action. I mean, dude, if I was with say I'm in my dorm room and I just met my roommates. Yeah. If I start spanking like that's going to be really funny. But it's also going to be like that's that's people are gonna be like whoa whoa whoa yeah never see you the same you know like they're gonna laugh initially yeah and then and then be like we gotta we gotta move it's one of those things where you laugh at first and you're like whoa whoa yeah it's like at first like so surreal and then it's like whoa

yeah it's like dude we thought you were kidding man because there's no way you're like you up the speed and then it's just like aggressive yeah you like just got dropped off at college you just said goodbye to your mom and dad you shut the door yeah just hop up on the bed dude standing on the bed just making eye contact it's nice to meet you guys oh yeah there was a moment where like i had three roommates and uh dude there was never there was nowhere you could spank dude and i was like dude i like have to spank right now why not in the restroom i mean it's just not a good vibe yeah because like whenever i would dude whenever i would go to spank in the bathroom like someone would always be taking a shit next to me and then he's like dude i can't spank to someone taking a dump right like i can but it's like not

what i'm looking forward to i feel like i you've done that no no yeah i definitely masturbated in a public restroom i i didn't i used to i got i was like very young when I started masturbating and it was my obsession. I did a ski lodge once. Really? Between intervals? On the ski lift? You're like, wow, we're really

high up right now. On the gondola? All the people are in there hey guys gotta just get this one out dude when i was skiing there was an old couple in front of us and it was my first time skiing and my buddy was like all right man like the thing's gonna like drop you off like you gotta be ready the old people in front of us the old people in front of us the old people in front of us didn't know that they were supposed to get off so they

fell off and we jumped off and we just landed on top of them dude it is always amazing what people it's such a panic stricken people forget how to be a lot like be alive they just panic yeah i would dude i was so mentally the old people i landed on this dude's wife i didn't i was snowboarding her sound like

dude i had never i had never been skiing or snowboarding and i decided snowboarding. Just like her sound, like, ha-ha. Dude, I had never been skiing or snowboarding. Which were you doing? And I decided snowboarding would be. Bad idea. Yeah, dude, it was so hard. So hard. Yeah, but I landed on this old woman just casually. It's so hard to get off a ski lift on a snowboard.

Because then the other lift is coming, and everyone was like, yo, get the fuck out. It was like sitting on an old woman. Trying to move your board. They were so confused too. They were like, wait, what? Just you like plowing into his wife. Yeah, you just see like a retarded looking

dude fall on you. You're like, what the fuck? I feel like they were like, not from there either. They were like European or something. I wonder where they were like not from there either. Like they were like European or something. I wonder where they were from. You barely. Yeah. Oh my God. It was tough, dude.

No, what happens is the ski lift person will pause the lift if there's a pileup. Oh, really? It won't keep coming. But then they are like, what the fuck? This one kept coming, dude. I don't know if this dude was like stoned or something but they usually are because i saw the other lift coming and my buddy was like dude get the fuck up yeah that was wicked fun though that was the first time i had been and i just literally

just kept falling the whole time learning how to snowboard is i think top three most frustrating experiences of my life yeah it could have been really bad like there were a few moments oh yeah yeah there was a moment where uh because everyone i was with was skiing pretty much which i heard is easier yeah i just rented a snowboard why be cool i was just literally snapping my kneecaps the whole time yep there was a and like falling like a black diamond or something for like professionals my neighbor was like yeah let's let's go up and i literally got to the top and i was like dude i'm gonna ask the guy to bring me down yeah why would he bring you there yeah i couldn't even do like a bunny hill dude i'm not trying to wait wait there's so many things i need at of all, I think the bunny hill is one of the most dangerous places on a mountain.

Yeah, there's like children. I've seen like people take out an entire ski class. Like pop, pop, pop, pop. Just you taking out like seven-year-olds. Yeah. It's terrifying. Yeah, there's so many children. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. That's your type. Yeah. But what did you end up doing? We got to the top and I literally, my heart was racing. And I was like, I'm literally going to ask, I was like, can I ask the guy to just bring me down? Who's the guy?

Like the ski lift guy. Can you just like escort me down? Like I don't want to die. Yeah. That's how scared I was. And they were like, no, dude, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. So I, dude, I shredded it for like 20 feet, fell on my back.

And my head was facing the opposite way. And it was like ice, dude. Like I just, I was sliding down. Ragdolling down. Yeah. It was so long. It felt like days. I know.

I've done it. I've done it. There was nothing I could do. no you i know i've done it i've done it i there was nothing i could do like you can't do it you're literally just on your back yep you can't see anything i was laughing so hard too dude like my ribs were giving out i was like dude you're about to die uh there is a freeing moment there where you're just like i have no control yeah so you just got to worry about what you can control hopefully there's no rocks yeah i eventually slowed down enough to uh yeah but um that was so mean of your friend oh yeah she's a fucking bitch dude dude that was a guy in a good way she's a woman yeah oh you thought i was offended when you said bitch is that why you said that in a good way. And the podcast.

Thank God you drink a gallon of water a day. No, I don't. I drink before the podcast. How many of those do you drink a day? I try to drink one. I don't drink enough water. But I notice how much my mood improves when I drink water, so I try to drink it before the podcast.

That's how. If you can't tell. Your body will literally take anything to feel better. It's like, please. I mean, I've drinking a whole gallon of water. I've done that for like a few days. And dude, I felt unstoppable. You know?

Yeah. I just felt like all the toxins were like flushed out and they probably were dude but it's so hard for me to do that oh and it's i just pee so much and it's like just water it's yeah it's just something you need yeah but it's like yeah i could i used to show up to like men's basketball leagues with coffee dude like i would burn like 1500 calories and like drink coffee drink like hot coffee in a mug just be beyond dehydrating up beyond belief dude i'm like hey at least i'm caffeinated the idea of you cramping up on a basketball court is quite funny yeah just like surprisingly i don't cramp up that much you know because you're drinking all the water but there are days where i'm like oh i've only drank i've only drank drinking drinking

drinking yeah coffee today drank i only drank coffee today do you drink coffee yeah wow you don't get like riled up or anything like anxious yeah a little i can see that but it's better than the like i needed to wake up and have you ever like gone without coffee a day with alcohol no coffee have you ever gone without coffee alcohol i think you said alcohol feet coffee i was like who the fuck are you dude Coffee? Alcohol? I think you said alcohol feet. Coffee. I was like, who the fuck are you, dude? I don't think so. It's the worst headache ever.

I think I did a week once because people were like, you shouldn't rely on coffee. And you know those people, dude. It's like, dude, give me something. Especially you. You don't take any prescription drugs. Yeah. That's wild. dude, give me something. Especially you. You don't take any prescription drugs. That's wild. And look how I am. This is it. I'm so happy, dude.

But dude, no, I started drinking coffee. You don't really drink? Early on. I got pretty blasted two weeks ago, I think. Where? Just after a show. I was in Boston. And I was, everyone on the show bombed. And we were all like, all right, let's just get blasted, dude. Yeah.

You know? And I regret it for sure. To this day? I talked to a woman for two hours straight. And I thought I was crushing it. All my boys thought I was crushing it. And then she was like, yeah, I'm celibate. And I was like, dude, this is such a hard life, man. You know?

Wait. So you like, if you talk to someone too, she was obviously interesting. Yeah. No, I mean, I think so. I mean, I was pretty, I was like, Two hours in to say you're celibate is kind of wild. Yeah. It's also tough to find out when you're like 10 deep. You're like, wait a second. What'd you say? Yeah. I went into the bathroom and I was like, dude.

Jerked off. Yeah. No, I wanted to, I went to wait in line at the bathroom and the, the waitress we had was taking a shit, dude. She was so hot too. How do you know she was taking a shit? She was in there for like 20 minutes, you know. And then she came out and we knew.

We looked in her eyes. We really knew. She took a shit. Yeah. She was so hot. I was just like, I should have been talking to this lady the whole time. You know? She's taking dumps on the job.

I feel like you were so blessed it wasn't two hours. It was like 20 minutes. I was talking to a dude. It wasn't even a person. It's a wall. They're celibate. It's been a weird past few weeks, dude. What have you been doing?

Stand up. That's it for the past two months? I'm moving. Brooklyn to Brooklyn. Nothing major. Bye. Thanks for knowing you dude Yeah that's it

I gotta get myself a dog farm I need some hobbies outside this I work out Yeah at least you're going to the gym I've been thinking a lot about How to answer the question Like what have you been up to the gym I've been thinking a lot about how to answer the question Like what have you been up to It's such a hard question

That's why I asked you, I just wanted to see if I could take some notes Oh, no, I don't have anything And I always say this vague thing Like, you know Rocking and rolling, like I say some dumb shit like that Yeah, staying alive, yeah Yeah, yeah, you know, living the dream Imagine if you actually Told someone what you've been up

to holy shit dude i've been sleeping in a lot lately so i've been depressed and i've been overeating and i got really drunk the other day like just the whole thing yeah i was thinking way worse than that dude like i've been suicidal no dude not that bad sorry I guess I'm the only one you always bring up me killing myself it's hilarious no I bring up me killing myself yeah but even just like spanking dude like if you dude I was spanking the other night and dude I went to click on the porno

and this my phone completely froze. Oh. Froze. That would freak me out. And, dude, the error that popped up, it said, you need to contact Apple support right now. It's happened to me. Yeah. It's like, dude, why would I?

Ever. I'd rather just throw my phone away. Yeah. I'd rather lose all my contacts and all my everything then go to apple and be like i was looking bbc and this is what you're into no it's just the first thing that came to my mind i wonder what i did no it's all right that's fine if you're into that what is your category of no don't change the subject it's not it's the same subject let me guess.

I would just be like, hey, like, I'm trying to. Give me something weird. No, dude. Stockings. Why does everyone think I'm so weird? Everyone's always like, it has to be fucking weird. You know? No, dude.

It's just missionary. That's weird to you. Like, to you, that's gay and, like, I should kill myself. But to me, that's gay and like, yeah, I should kill myself. But to me, that's like. You Google missionary. No, I was Google like passion. You know, I'm not into like weird shit like you did. How do you know I'm in a weird shit?

I already know. I can see it in her eyes. You and like. For porn, yes. But then. Let's just say the transfer's over. You know, like you want to be like choked and crucified. you know it used to be not anymore you want to like i gained some self-worth i doubt it dude no not anymore it's not my thing what's your new thing just nothing celibacy

just denying yeah just constant like nope yep not tonight no i would say like yeah more passionate like you know you like but not like you're lying through your teeth no no i'm trying to explain to it like i like to be like thrown around but i don't want to be choked anymore it's not fun for me i don't know why it ever would be fun i think because it's like thrilling and you like the idea of like someone there's like a connection to the rape fantasy Okay Yeah see like that just made me like cry a little bit That's a little too much

You just got so uncomfortable You fell out of your skin I just feel like I'm not good enough You know Like to be able to do that You know I literally saw your soul leave your body Well I just thought about a girl being like, fucking choke me.

And I'm like, I can't. That's okay. I'm a good guy. And that would just like freak her out, you know? But then that girl's not for you. I could do other shit though, as long as I'm not like. Hurting. Hurting.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, dude, I could fucking. I'll think about shit like that all the time. Like weird shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm like, all right, wait a second, I'll think about shit like that all the time, like weird shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm like, all right, wait a second.

I'll be right back. And she's like waiting in bed. And I just play like the Rolling Stones through my Bluetooth speaker. Just come in with like an AK and just start shooting at the ceiling, dude. Like that would get her going. That's your type? Yeah. Like no one was harmed.

Your neighbors are like not again they're like it's thursday already yeah like that would be you like i feel like you're smoking a cigarette like fucking oh yeah just tuned up yeah you're like gi joe like minor buzz going yeah yeah yeah yeah as long as no one's harmed yeah obviously but like you get close to it like you're close you're well that's the whole thing with the choke fantasy i think girls are like it could be oh yeah but there's also like i read these romance novels like they're like smut, romance and sex novels. And one of the novels had auto-erotic of... What's it called? Asphyxiation.

Is that only masturbation or is that like... Yeah, I think that's what Robin Williams did. Okay. Shout out Robin Williams. My boy right there. He's right next to you, dude. Yeah. He was speaking to you.

Yeah. Wild. Yeah. He's right next to you, dude. Yeah. He was speaking to you. Yeah. Wild.

Yeah. But no, like the guy would like choke her and right before she passed out, he would stop. And then supposedly the orgasm is. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty. Otherworldly. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, because you're like right on the precipice of death. I would try it, but I don't think I would be like, oh, God. I think we've talked about this before. I would genuinely love to go out that way because no one would really be that surprised. If you went out. Yeah. Like him? Yeah.

Yeah. You just find me with like, you know. Yeah. You come on my chest. Like, you're like, all right. I mean. But that, yeah. Dude, you just.

So you did come. You passed away masturbating. Like, why wouldn't you? Yeah. You know what I mean? Iconic. You think about all the other ways you could die, like, to go out like that. How would I want to die?

Quick. Pain, pain free. Yeah, pain free. Painful death would be. Awful. Yeah, you get like lit on fire or something. Oh my God. The idea of freezing to death really scares me. Yeah, pain-free. A painful death would be... Awful. Yeah, you get lit on fire or something. Oh, my God. The idea of freezing to death really scares me.

Yeah, or overheating. Yeah. You want something in the middle. Yeah. Masturbation, dude. Fire, freezing to death, masturbation. Yeah, those are the only three. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. Yeah, we get phone calls, so's uh oh see what we got dude hey man what do you do when you're in public and you got a fucking itch in your asshole and like you can't obviously scratch it like not some random bullshit like you're just fucking around tj maxx but like you're fucking like in a business meeting or like meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time. And you're looking this man in the face and all you can think about is how much your asshole itches and you can't scratch it. What do you do with that? How do you how do you handle that situation?

I love his accent. These are these are our fans, dude. I love that accent. Yeah. These are these are our fans dude i love that accent yeah these are our most loyal fans right here yeah that's always that's a deep fucking question deep questions yeah that's yeah that's really you got to think about it you ever had that experience um uh yeah but not like for it because i i used to shave my butt. Wow. And so when it grows back, you're like, holy shit. But now it's, you know, none of your business.

But what would I do? I think I would do some type of movement. Clenching? Something to get friction down there. Yeah, I'm still trying to get over the fact that you used to shave your ass dude was there a reason like you started doing it like was your i just was like so embarrassed of any type of hair say something no this was i'm gonna ask yeah you're gonna ask him yeah text him say what do thinks. I'm going to start telling everyone that you have a hairy butthole, dude.

Do it. Do it. Then no one will talk to me. My asshole is. They'll be so happy. He was your asshole. I mean, wow. Cool.

None of your business, dude. No, when I lived with my mom, there was one night, I think, I was just like about to take a shower. And I was like, dude, I wonder like what my ass looks like. Because I've never I had never looked. Yeah. And I got up on like the countertop and just bent over like spread my cheeks, dude. Terrifying.

Dude, I literally lost at least five years of my life. Poltergeist. It was wild, dude. It was like looking into one of those fucking like in those Dune movies where the sandstorm comes and like it opens up i was like holy shit dude dude i almost started crying and that's when i i was like all right you gotta shave it dude yeah and that was even worse that's hard though you gotta you know i felt like i was taking like a weed whacker to like the everglades yeah it was crazy you shave your cheeks too like currently then oh no not the cheeks just my sphincter yeah but dude it like hurt and then when it started growing back it's awful oh my god it's awful i was like dude man. It feels like, you know when you hold like a pillow with down in it and like a feather pops out?

Are you kidding me? When I hold a pillow. Pillow or like a comforter and it has like down, like goose feathers in it. Okay. And like a feather pops out and it like kind of pricks you. Oh, like the sharp end? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That wasn't worth it. No. So what do you do if you have an itchy butthole and you can't, you know? Dude, I'm not going to lie, man. There have been moments where it feels like there's like a legitimate like squirrel running around in my ass. And I literally like a single tear will roll down my eye because i have to like hold it in i'm like oh my god dude no way it's so wild i literally dude one time i thought you need to get a bidet no dude one time i thought something

was in my asshole i was like oh my god dude like like there's an animal lying and that's so i'm not lying dude i was like oh my god there's like a bug in my ass like that's what it felt like but it was just like the hair like touching each other oh my god yeah and uh yeah and the poop particles it makes sense why it's like why you can't see it like why it's hidden because it's the worst mother nature was like dude come on yeah nobody wants to see that dude yeah yeah if you're shaving your ass oh dude that's that's even crazier. I can't wait to have so much money that I just laser every hair off my body. Really?

Yep. Like a swimmer? I'm going to be like a dolphin. Jesus, man. You don't want to be all natural? Nah. Yeah. I used to shave my chest and like when I would ever be on top of a girl, she'd be like, oh

my God. Same paper. Yeah. She'd be shave my chest and like when I would ever be on top of a girl, she'd be like, oh my God. Same paper. Yeah. She'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. So I just grow it out now. My chest looks like my ass. You have a sweater on when you take your shirt off?

Yeah. I don't take my shirt off. I just wear this. I don't take off my underwear either. I just like put it through the hole. Just lay down on top of someone. I'm like, do what you need to do no dude if a woman was like don't take your shirt off it'd be super offended yeah oh my god that'd be awful i'd be terrifying yeah wearing a shirt be like no keep it on yeah

that's you're telling the other person you don't like them you should shut the lights off like whoa i mean i'll always do that i know i'm not having sex with the lights on i know i'll be insane yeah i'd freak out i'd be like no stop it's like you feel like you're in a hospital yeah some people are scared of the dark though some people like you know well i don't want it to be pitch black that's so stupid to me yeah i'll keep like the projector on or something yes some i need some kind of light it's always hard to find like the right movie though covers on or off probably off yeah like i'm naked but it's just like you want a little bit of like i'll put on like a movie or something but it's always like the worst movie, dude. I know. It's like Braveheart or something.

Just like trying not to come to like Braveheart dying. He's like screaming freedom. You're like coming. Yeah. It's like three seconds in. Coming to him screaming freedom. I've never seen Braveheart. Dude, you serious?

Yeah. Oh my God, dude. That made me sad. I i know you looked past me such a good movie dude is it it's one of those movies you watch once and you're like wow that was one of the best things i've ever seen in my life is it like renaissance fighting what is it i mean you just gotta watch a three hour long movie i'm already out yeah yeah i feel like it's how most chicks are they're like i can't why am i watching three hours but as a man all the boys listening right now are like i totally what what movie like if you're having a bad day and you want to get motivated what would you watch motivated yeah or just like in a good

mood both i don't know if it would motivate me but i watched like super bad or something nice maybe borat yeah and now you don't watch things to get motivated i listen to like sound cloud mixes yeah of like choco willing and stuff when i'm at the gym yeah me too but that's a short period of time in the day. Yeah. And it's weird because like, that's like an hour of my day and the rest of the day is just me being like retarded. You know, it's almost like I'm training to be retarded. It's so dumb.

With bub. Yeah. It's like, all right, let's listen to Jocko Willink and then jerk off at 10 in the morning. What time do you work out? Six. In the morning? Why? I don't know, dude. I time do you work out? Six. In the morning? Why?

I don't know, dude. I'm not going to go at night. So it's either 6 a.m. or at night? You can't... Yeah, well, I have to work. Oh. Yeah. Some people have jobs.

Yeah, dude. Have you ever been to the gym at night? I've been like seven. It's a nightmare, dude. Especially around here. Oh my God. I kind of like when it's crowded. Yeah?

Yeah. You like the attention? No, it's just like, I don't know. It's weird to be in an empty gym. I love it. Do you ever... It's depressing. Have you ever been hit on at the gym? No.

Wow. Why? Is it just because you're doing like retarded shit? I'm like can't jump rope, but I keep trying. No. You're like doing bench press backwards? No. I do good workouts too and smart workouts.

No, never. You don't see any like attractive men at the gym? No, I do. Damn, dude. I'm sorry. Yeah. It's kind of hurtful. Does it make you upset?

Yeah. You want to be like, yeah. Notice, yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's why like females do that? Like they wear nothing to the gym? It's because they just want to be like noticed? I think it's that and it's also like when you work out a ton and you can wear nothing and feel

good in it it's like a huge self-esteem booster without getting like arrested yeah yeah like free the nip yeah so it's just like a self-esteem booster yeah yeah because some of these chicks man are just like just wearing nothing and i'm kind of like, do you want men to hit on you? Or is this just for you? Do you see women get hit on at the gym a lot? No, but I've, for the past year, I've been thinking about approaching this woman. Oh, same one. Same one.

All right. Yeah. And I think about her a lot, and I just don't know what I would say. And, yeah, she's like, how do you go up to someone at the gym? I noticed your deadlifts. Like what the fuck? Well, that's what I was going to ask you. Like if you saw me at the gym, yeah.

Deadly sweat going, you know, I take off the pump cover. Like, is there anything I could say that would not be creepy yeah of course what do you say though well first of all there's there's going to be immediately awkward because she probably is listening to music yeah that's immediately like you have to be like yeah you know and then she takes it off and then ah what can you say that's like not creepy

but also not lame yeah that's what I've been thinking about for a year now once a day you practice something in the mirror dude this girl

like no joke will like get very close to me and it's it's almost like she's trying to tell me something and i don't know if it's she wants attention or like maybe talk about like workouts or like does she do a certain workout that you're like i've never seen that that's interesting i don't fucking know yeah i mean dude like a girl would rather i'm trying to paint a picture at the gym or something and in like instead of being like, you're so hot, like, I don't know, talk about something else, like somehow complement her intelligence of what she does. Yeah.

Be like, that's a really good form. Yeah. She's like, what? But dude, she's like, what? I'm like, you said the whole thing. She had AirPods in like what? You're like, just walk away.

I'm just like, Hey, I've been thinking about you for a year now. And I finally gained the confidence to like, say something. I just want to say that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She takes off the earbuds. What?

You're like, nothing. It's probably what would happen to you especially because i mumble a lot too i'd be like what yeah even if she didn't have headphones in i'm sure she'd be like what did you just say oh gotta repeat it yeah you better practice louder yeah but don't be too loud terrifying hello do you want to fuck no hello are Hello. Are you celibate? But dude, there will be like, I'm trying to paint a picture and I'm not just like a dude talking about like hot chicks at the gym. Like I'll be like working out on a bench and she'll come up next to me like this far away.

And I'm like, holy shit. To the point where I'm like skimming her. Like I'm doing rows. Then she's into you. I mean, I would think so, but you know, it's very interesting. Do you guys make eye contact a lot? No.

Every time we walk by, I'm staring directly at the ground. Johnny. Yeah. Gotta make eye contact. I think she's doing the same, though. Looking at the ground. Yeah. I mean, at this point, it's been a year. Yeah, I should just... The thing is, though, man, if I fuck up, like, I can't leave the gym, dude.

No. I can't find another membership. Yeah, no. But you're also like, it's a fucking... What? That she says she's in a relationship? Like, who fucking cares? Yeah, you're right.

That would just give me more motivation. Yeah. Be like, I bet he's gay. And you walk away yeah it would be even funnier though if i crushed it if she was like wow like i've been thinking about you too for like this whole year and then she saw my instagram and she left the gym oh yeah left the gym see you the yeah. Left the gym. See you the next day. She's like, yeah, I'm going to cancel. I'm actually moving to Guatemala. So, yeah, moving 75 miles away. How many times, is that really all you've been up to?

Or you just don't want to talk about it? No, no, seriously. Wow. You feel better or like i feel very boring like that's like when someone i feel very boring yeah and it's i also think it's like it's set up to be like not enjoying life and not experiencing things yeah so then it's just a boring like there's more to life than comedy. Yeah.

I feel the same way. And, but then I just get stuck in this grind and then I see you two months later and you're like, what have you been doing? I'm like. Yeah. It's almost like you're in a coma somehow. Yeah. Yeah.

I, uh, I feel the same. I'm just, I feel like such a boring person. Yeah. You know, I'm like, why, why am I even doing this podcast? I have nothing to offer. Yeah. But feel the same. I just feel like such a boring person. Yeah. You know, I'm like, why am I even doing this podcast? I have nothing to offer. Yeah, but this podcast is good and it's something different. Yeah, but it's like every week, you know, it's like, am I even, you know? It's weird, man.

I get why people started podcasting. It's probably why it started because it was like, I can't just keep doing stand upup oh yeah it started because i was like i need someone to talk to i need a friend yeah bubs it wasn't here yet and then here we are dude you know it's like what the fuck man these are really comfortable chairs yeah they're getting pretty old but yeah man i don't know it's like uh it makes me uncomfortable making stuff up too. On the podcast? No. Like when someone's like, what do you mean up to? And you just make stuff up or you just make things up to be entertaining. It almost like eats you alive. I just panic. Like, especially when it's family that I haven't seen in a while.

Yeah. And they're like, what have you been up to? Like any new thing? And I'm like, I just changed the subject. I'm like I just changed the subject I'm like you know how are you like I can't that question what have you been up to is awful I think it's I keep thinking like what I keep listening to that song

like I still haven't found what I'm looking for by U2 and I still haven't found wow did you see that did you want to keep going maybe i should sing that to that chick dude she's like bench pressing i just get up like really close in her ear in her ear uh but yeah dude sometimes i'm like fuck man there is more to life than comedy but it's like what the fuck else can you do? Right.

And there's really not anything else I feel really good at or that I'm really interested in. That you could balance. Yeah. It's kind of like, wow, this is going to be it for the rest of the way. Yep. Yep. Yeah. But then I see how other people are and it's the same thing yeah yeah there's levels

to boredom right sometimes i feel like i'm just being ungrateful those people that just travel yeah like they're unhealthy they're mentally they're fucking crazy you think yeah i talked to this chick dude who like uh we went on a date there are some crazy chicks that travel a lot they travel for work and i went on a date. There are some crazy chicks that travel a lot. They travel for work. And I went on a date with this girl and it went terribly. And she told me I have no confidence. And she's not wrong, but like still. Damn, dude.

She's very mean. Yeah, unnecessary. But she travels for work. And then I saw recently she put up a picture of her literally like bending over. Like in a bikini. And being like, love Buenos Aires. She was like one of those people who was like yeah you know i travel for work i'm very like sophisticated and mature and then put up a

picture of her like asshole bending over in front of uh you know yeah so i was like oh this chick's unwell there was a it is so funny like when or like when i'm all for like market however you want and do whatever you want. But it is funny when the marketing has nothing to do with the photo. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's crazy when people tell you. In a song and covering her tits and she's like volunteering next week.

And you're like, what the fuck? It's just crazy when chicks like bend over outside of like a david's bridal at like 12 in the afternoon and they're like yes to the dress love being a fucking self-independent woman and you can like see their nipples and it's like dude what the fuck or what about when someone's like come see me at my next show and you're like you're your entire i see your asshole yeah it's crazy it's what the the locate the locations are fucking wild it is pretty wild it's like dude you're at a you're at a state park with your tits out like there's families behind you have you ever seen in new york where it's like they're next to like on their right is a homeless man passed out and on their left is a trash can and they are

like instagram photoing between it yeah it's insane dude it's wild when you see that and then you see the reality of the situation like if you're actually there it's like holy fuck it's insane yeah it's crazy it's the same thing with comedy when people are like, unfortunately, like, you know, like most of comedy is just people putting up stories of other comedians and being like, yo, my boy's crushing, dude. Yo, this dude murdered. And it's like, he bombed. Like, I was there.

I saw the shit. Nobody left. Right. You know? And then you're like, oh, that's right. He books a show. This is a dick sucking game. Yes yes and that's in everything in life there was a comic that um a few months ago she was like on she's like a bigger name and she was saying how she did this

show it's like a big show but it's a new show and she bombed bombed very open about i bombed and she was so livid that she like got off stage and they were like, amazing. And she was like, why are you fucking lying? And then like post on the story, like absolutely murdered. And she's like, no, I didn't. Like, you don't have to say like she bombed, but like blah, blah, blah was performing tonight. You were just saying nothing. Yeah. You know, that would be cool.

Yeah. It's sad for the people who actually murdered her. It's so insulting when you bomb and someone's like dude hell yeah and you're like fuck you yeah you stop fucking pussy like you're out it's actually insulting to my intelligence yeah yeah if you bomb and someone's like dude that was brutal it's like thank you dude actually there's nothing better than when you bomb and comedians are laughing yeah because it's like at least someone's getting something out of this. Yeah. You just want some honest. Yeah.

Like it's so funny to I mean sometimes or to watch a bomb because you know it's just Yeah. Fucking happens. It's the best dude. Last time I was in Atlantic City

bombed my heart out. The wait staff was laughing their ass off. Yeah. Same. Cackling in the back. It's just like okay okay you should see the photo of when i went just me and through that i look so sad it is such a sad what'd you do after you

bought i went to like a pizza place down the road and almost lost my life dude i literally got off in atlantic city and i walked to get pizza dude almost got stabbed like six times these dudes were like you would be doing me a favor brother okay so I have two things to say so the last time I did it was this past weekend and it actually was a fun time which I was pleasantly surprised about

but the one before that it was a straight bomb it was a packed room straight bomb the guy right before me murdered and bomb it was a packed room straight bomb um the guy right before me murdered and uh i i it's just like the whole like what did i do afterwards i fucking drove home and made small talk with another comic and it was awful oh man and then you were driving too? Yeah. Which I actually prefer. I hate being driven.

It's awful. But I threw up on the way there this past time. Why? Because the guy was driving so insane. Oh, really? I got car sick. Damn. I get car sick too.

Yeah. Not because of like the driving, just because there's like a smell in the air. Well, that was part of it. Like one of the comics was eating, I swear to God, I was was like are you eating a jar of peanut butter like it's about and i and between that and the fucking i was just like yeah i mean i i can't even imagine what people are thinking when they're in my car though dude because i'm ripping heaters bro like non-stop that is one of my biggest that would well dude it doesn't smell like farts, but like, because I bought like 50 of those like tree hanger things. And it doesn't smell like farts, but sometimes I'll be driving down the highway and it'll hit you in the face like through the vents, you know, because it's been in there for so long.

Devastating. Yeah. But it's great that that place is in New Jersey because you just be like, oh, we're in New Jersey now. And it's really it's really just your ass. Yeah. Well, that's I every like they're like, oh, that's New Jersey. I'm like, no, someone farted in here. And they're like, no, it's New Jersey.

I'm like, OK. It was dude. New Jersey smells like I was like, you just got a sandwich from a rest stop. That's probably was made three days ago. That's you yeah i shouldn't be talking about this dude because i'm literally like borderline shitting my pants when i drive there's nothing better than driving around like drinking a coffee and just ripping ass to like the rolling stones dude really yeah just smelling your own farts dude

like on a saturday morning unbelievable my nightmare absolute nightmare nothing better dude it's a good way to start the day bro have you always been obsessed with farting yeah came out the womb like a serious question dude yeah yeah always dude it used to be really bad and then you grew up a little dude the fact that i'm 27 now and like i haven't moved on is so wild it's there like dude farts and penises are just so fucking funny to me dude i was watching like a true crime show the other day very like an emotional thriller and this woman pantsed a man at a soccer game and i laughed for like 30 minutes dude poop jokes get me oh really yeah that's poop yeah like

shit hearts gross me out isn't that weird but like when people i don't know it and then penises i'm like but the idea of someone panting someone is really funny yeah for sure well i just thought about bringing that movement back like you remember when you used to pants people yeah especially if it's like complete the underwear too oh my god everything hanging out that's like some like that's a man's like ultimate fear in front of a woman you know i knew a kid who i pants in front of the whole cheerleading team like underwear and everything he's not alive anymore is he he passed away after that it was an accident like it was oh yeah a few days later but dude i got everything like underwear and all so the whole cheerleading team just saws no he pants me so i'll just get him back i just

happened to get both yeah you know yeah what the cheerleading team do they're just like what the fuck especially when that's like middle school dude like you're obviously gonna be like you know the fuck's going on right now i had to we got new cheerleading uniforms in middle school and my friend and i were asked to try them on and we fell into a big mud pit and ruined the uniforms. You were a cheerleader? Yeah, from 6th grade to 10th grade.

I can see that. And then I was on kick line because I was a dancer. What is that? It's like a dance team. Really? Yeah. Shit. So you can drop some moves? Hell yeah. I majored in dance. Is that a real major? It's a major when you can't do anything else.

When you're barely hanging on with grades. Yeah. Undecided major. Yeah. And it was like a, it was a, not like a conservatory. It was like, just put her somewhere so she can go to college. Yeah. That's fucking sick, dude.

Yeah. I've always wanted to be able to dance, especially when you go out, you know, and you're trying to get laid. Like, that's got to help at least a little bit. You don't have some go-to moves? No, I used to get really drunk and I would sprint and then I would slide and be like, fuck. People would just be like, all right, man, like, chill out. That's your only move, though? Yeah.

And that was it, man. I was never good at uh like dancing or anything i don't think any guy is really no it's pretty hard there's some unless you're doing the same move over and over again no there's of course there's some i mean black men are outstanding at dancing it's true yeah do you really into the bbc man no it's just like you ever see like a there oh did you see that most recent uh movie on netflix it's so terrible with julia roberts it's about the end of the world yeah did you see it i thought it was a pretty good one i hated it but there's a scene where i can't think of the war at the end right yes yeah she's dancing with the black dude yeah and it's like this is the perfect example of the different how bad we are at dancing you you wanted to see them have sex too

i thought they were gonna hook up but i didn't want to see them have sex that's what i could totally see you doing that on a weekend like masturbating to that scene to bbc oh like you watch it one time and like you probably masturbated to the them not having sex yeah you were like just this yep yep just that awkward dancing moment for sure just getting edged out dude yeah i could see that man my boy you know me too well all right we'll answer another question you have somewhere to be dude how many i gotta get out of here soon all right yo johnny i hope you and your guests are having a great new year's um so my question for y'all today is do you think it's possible to fart in reverse like where you anatomically like inhale air through your asshole right me and my friend we've been talking about this since we

were probably in like sixth grade it's been years and years and years of us discussing it but we don't fucking that's it he died he got hit by a car he got into a car accident we'll say answer your question even though you're in the grave now no that's like a that's a queef, dude. No, that's not. Queefs aren't in. Queefs are out. Yeah, but the air comes in.

It's like built up air, dude. Right. You push air in. Yes. But a queef is the air coming out. Yeah. So he's asking, like, can you queef out of your ass? Yeah, no.

For sure, dude. No, he's saying, can you fart inwards? fart not can you have anal sex and i love how this is the podcast like this is what we're this is life this is fucking serious well dude i wonder if gay dudes like when they have anal if they pull out yes you just get a little fart in reverse. Yeah. Like some sort of Avatar-like thing where you're doing fucking doggy style. And you're a fucking airbender, dude. That's so embarrassing when that happens.

Queef? Yeah. I know, dude. It's awful for everyone involved. It's so funny, too. It's not funny. Queefs are so funny. If you want to end a conversation with a woman, dude, just say queef.

And walk away. It's so awkward. Dude, I'm not going to. Dude, so I was hooking up with this chick once years ago. Okay. Could you say a little bit now? Dude, I went down on her and I went to eat her out dude and she queefed no in my eyes no and i literally started crying dude so i and i was like dude you cannot back out right now and i just pushed through it like my tears were hitting her

no wow you're a good man dude i i served yeah like i'm a i'm a vet yeah it was i was literally i was crying i was crying while i was like doing the alphabet it was crazy man oh you do the outfit yeah no no you're not no dude i'm past that oh yeah yeah you've moved on i'm doing the alphabet in latin dude you're doing the alphabet backwards doing the alphabet in Latin, dude. You're doing the alphabet backwards. I'm doing the Chinese alphabet, dude. Just like whispering shit. Things that you saw in a fortune cookie. Yeah. Well, dude, thank you for coming.

Yeah, dude. This was so much fun, as always. It's good to see you, man. It's been a while. I could hear your ski. You should reach out sometime. Ski stories. You know, just to see if I'm still alive and shit.

That would be cool, man. Just text you and be like, hey. Yeah, or we could just get some gains one day. not like at the gym but like maybe get some protein or something that'll be cool you're like no no no no i want to i actually know i have the idea of going doing one of your workouts with you oh you want to work out with me you'd fucking hate me dude yeah hell yeah you'd be so annoying i'd be so good just do some i bet i would fucking would fucking show you how strong I am. Yeah.

Get your booty popping. I mean, if there's some ladies at your gym, I'm down. Yeah. Just bring me as a guest. Yeah. This is my sister. Where do you at? Do you have anything you want to plug?

Oh, I have a, there's going gonna be in a few months I'll be announcing something Just follow me on Instagram At Rachel Williams with the R and the W switched Rachel Williams Listen it was a bad decision I know And if you follow me that's great

And then you can follow where I perform And all that jazz and I'm so tired Yeah follow Rachel dude that's great. And then you can follow where I perform and all that jazz. And I'm so tired. Yeah, follow Rachel, dude. She's very funny. Follow Johnny. So long. All right, thank you, dude. Bye.