The Johnny Salami Podcast - Randy

Episode Date: January 9, 2021

On this episode, I sit down with my old pal Randy. We talk about lighting dicks on fire as children, other memories from our childhood, as well as life today.

All right, what's going on, everyone? Welcome to a new episode. Today's guest is Randall Wood. Hello. Yeah, brings it back for sure. Dude, you ever think about, like, your last name? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. How it could have been anything else. Yeah. Well, no, dude, because I was like, usually, like, before a podcast, I, like, imagine how it's going to be. Right. And ours went pretty well, like, when I was like Usually like before a podcast I like imagine How it's gonna be Right And ours went pretty well Like when I was driving around

So don't fuck this up But No I was just wondering Like would you ever Open up Like a No would you ever Open up like a wood shop

No Really No Not at all No What did you call it Woods Woods wood Would be cool dude if you called it like randy's wood yeah and then when you walk in it's just like strap-ons

just no wood yeah no uh are they made of wood or something i just know i just it's the wood the wood is is the hard strap it's It's the cock. Yeah, okay. Because, like, you know, like, someone says, like... Morning wood? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, I get it. So it would be, like, patent pending. No, I don't think I could patent that.

As much as I... If I could, then, yeah, I'd probably open this up, because I'd probably make some money. If I could patent that shit, I'd probably do it. But, man, when you say it like that, it actually sounds a lot better. But no, no, it's definitely not in my foresight for sure. I was thinking about that, like, when I was driving around. I was like, should I say it?

But here we are. Yeah, no, that's definitely something. I mean, I've had the jokes. I could see you in, like, a courtroom, like, you know, just straight-faced. Just, uh, as, like, who am I in the courtroom? Like, what the fuck? Am I in the fucking jury? Or, like, am I being tried right now? And the judge is like, yo, Mr. Wood.

They're, like, approving the patent. And you're like, oh. And they're like, okay, soving the patent and you're like oh and they're like okay so like can you explain your idea you're like well i just want shark tank you know the tv show shark tank it's you're just like yeah so i have this million dollar idea i want you to invest in especially you ladies like no no uh i'd be watching from my house dude i just have like two bles in my ears like two in my nuts Like one in my mouth Kids got it. Yeah. No, I mean help me invest in I mean if you want to be a partner we can

Scratch your bag you scratch mine. Yeah, I'll lend you some money, dude Give you some free wood, you know, yeah, you just give me like your bank account information I just know I'm all set with that But I don't You don't have to get that You can You can write me a check or something We can call it a day but

Dude all I need is your Social security number Yeah and just like The last four digits Of my fucking credit card And my street address Right Ah

Good shit man Sounds like that The Indian dude I talked to Before I got here on the phone Jesus Okay We'll cut that out no it's accurate you know what i'm saying 100 percent yeah i do i do feel bad for those people who uh like get caught up in those scams yeah they're like you've won a brand new mercedes yeah and they're just like what do you need from me Free cruise Hong Kong Yeah They're like Can I send you

My social security card Through mail And the guy's like Yeah Make sure you can Give me your phone number And I'll just The address is in like

Jamaica Alright Alright Yeah We're off to a good start man We're fucking killing it I love it dude I love this

We should just stop right now And publish this It's like solid Like three minutes Four minutes It's good to see you man Good to see that you haven't Yeah dude it's been a while man

I was trying to think about The last time we actually saw each other I was actually thinking about it On the car dude And um It was on Block Island dude And I was like Pissing

I was I was literally walking around I was like I literally had tequila In a water bottle Just plain That's how you gotta do it over there And I was like I was literally walking around. I was like, I literally had tequila in a water bottle, just plain. That's how you got to do it over there. And I was like, I was so drunk. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to walk down the beach by myself, and maybe I'll see someone I know.

So I hear someone like yell my name, and it's you. And I go, yo, Randy, why don't you come suck this cock? Is that what you said? Yeah, you with your girlfriend. You just walked away. Yeah, probably, dude. yo Randy why don't you come suck this cock is that what you said yeah you with your girlfriend and you just you just walked away yeah probably dude that's probably what I would do

if I was on the beach your girlfriend was like oh who's that no you were just like I don't know don't worry about it don't worry about it yeah wrong guy

I'll tell you when you're older yeah no I saw you a few I think I saw you the past two times last year too you were on the boat and stuff yeah I saw you there

and yeah I was trying to think it was probably high school or like when I went to one of your comedy shows or something like that. But I don't count that shit. I mean, we didn't have a conversation. Did you? I went to, like, two of them, yeah. Was this, like, four years ago?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, your first two or something like that. It was just, like, bombing. Hey, man, I had a good time because, like, I told my parents my parents, I'm going to watch John Psyche do stand-up comedy. And they're like, wait a minute. You're just having an aneurysm? They're like, John Psyche?

He speaks? Yeah. I'm like, yeah, sometimes, but it's not really worth listening to half the time. Dude, yeah. Your mom went to my mom's work. And she was like, oh, my God. Where does your mom work? Market Bastard. Oh, all right, cool. So she was fucking oh my god where's your mom work uh market best all right cool so

she was fucking slicing it up dude fucking and uh your mom was there hand me some cold cuts you know yeah so pam was like maureen like we got to go to a show one day and my mom was like yeah did your mom go to your shows no okay my mom my mom told me she was like yeah like me and pam we want to come to a show and i was like no honestly if my mom i didn't hear about that but if my mom told me. She was like, yeah, like, me and Pam, we want to come to a show. And I was like, no. Honestly, if my mom, I didn't hear about that. But if my mom told me that, I'd say no. Yeah. I'd be like, no.

I was like, yeah, mom, maybe in, like, you know, seven years when I'm dead. Okay. There you go. Yeah. I mean, I don't think there'll be too many shows. I don't even know how they would react. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like they would be expecting something that was like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, my mom definitely knew something was up with you

because like when we would hang out or like we'd go like somewhere before we could drive like my mom would pick us up and like she'd be like this kid doesn't say a word but the whole car ride i'm sitting there laughing and like you'd be like texting me like the stupidest shit like oh yeah i just remember like i'd be sitting in the front seat just be fucking laughing dude my mom's like what's so funny like and she knew it was you like she knew it had to be something you were doing yeah but you never said a word so like yeah what what could it really be but like yeah but if she saw those texts yeah dude i wish i still had some of those conversations those were some fucked up texts yeah yeah it's 2021 now we can't say half that

shit i wouldn't even be able to remember half that stuff but yeah no i might i wouldn't let my mom go to one of your shows there's no shot yeah i would expect you to hold her back just be like you're not doing this that would be i mean realistically i think they might laugh at a few jokes i think when it gets weird though i don't think they would be on board you know what i mean i don't think like if i went out there and i was like yeah like i had a dream i was spanking in an open meadow and then all of a sudden you know an attack helicopter came down it just started ripping up the field and i just blew one out like they'd be like my mom's leaving my mom is getting out of her seat and turning around, bro.

That's why I'm like, mom, I'm not letting you go to this shit. She's not staying for that. She's not there for that. You just hear heads like smacking against the table. Yeah, man. So that's, you know, there's always parts of the show. They get dark sometimes. Those are my favorite parts, though. Yeah, that's definitely what gets the audience.

Like, dude dude i can tell the old people jokes you know like what but dude i just love like seeing someone just like genuinely confused you know what i mean all right yeah i mean you do it a lot so yeah some of the shit you say it's yeah i just want to tell you get a pleasure out of it yeah dude it's just unreal satisfaction it hasn't changed since elementary school. I knew what I was getting myself into when I said, hell yeah, I'm down for this. Yeah, no, I think the same thing, dude.

I've been talking to a couple of people. We should go hit the golfing range or something like that. You think so? Go fishing or something. Yeah, I heard you've been golfing. I got a set of clubs during this quarantine. I didn't know you golf, man, but we should definitely go out there. It's not going to be the chair.

I'm as unathletic as I was in high school, so I don't golf good. Dude, you don't have to be athletic to golf. You just need a bunch of beer. Yeah, I'm good at that part. That part, I'm good at. I went with Cam, too. Yeah, I haven't seen Cam in a while. Really?

Yeah, we should all go golfing, yeah. Yeah, we should jerk each other off, too. That's fine. I'm just letting you know it's going to happen. Yeah, you can fondle him. But, dude, I went with Cam. It was actually a lot of fun man cool he was like yeah man you know i just got back from florida and i was like dude let's you know did he move back up here or i'm not i have no idea man i was just like first things first dude you know let's grab a set

and uh let it rip you've been golfing for a while or is it something i uh i bought a golf set from dicks when i was in high school for like a100. And I used it for about eight years. Yeah. And then I was like, you know what? Yeah, we used to go to the driving range every once in a while, too. Yeah. Remember that dude backed into me at the driving range? You remember that?

Yeah, dude. Like, we're literally trying to park, and this dude's just backing up. And I'm like, wailing on the horn. That was so funny, dude. I'm like, dude, I can't picture you being a golfer. And I'm like, oh, no, we used to go to the driving range.

Dude, that was so funny. You were like pulling in and this guy just didn't even look, just backed right into you. Just backed straight into us. Oh, dude, I was dying laughing. And it was like a piece of shit car, so I really didn't care.

But the guy gets out and he's like, what happened? And I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? Just happened. Well, your reaction was hilarious because you literally said, what the fuck? Dude, like, does he not have a mirror?

I mean, he was pretty old, dude. He looked like a walking nutsack. So I don't really think he knew where he was. And you were kind of like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? Old people golf. So at the driving range, that makes sense. Whatever. Yeah.

I mean, I've herniated a few discs. Golfing? Yeah. Dude, I remember I saw this kid we both knew at the driving range. And he yelled yo let me see that swing and i go okay i take out a driver i got it was like a nike combat driver dude it was like wicked expensive but i got it at a yard sale for like 40 bucks and i was like wicked excited to have it dude so i go all right man watch this shit i swing as hard as i can and i fucking let go of the club

it's like it's like nighttime dude so you can just see the club and dude i didn't even get it i just left it there yeah i mean how are you supposed to like go run down well you're supposed to tell them you're supposed to be like hey listen i just let go of my club like can you fucking get it for me and they'll be like yeah like we'll send one of the uh you know the guys and those little golf carts the cage golf carts yeah the ones get paid like two dollars an hour dude they'll send them out there to grab it for you but i was just like so humiliated i was like i just can't do it i'm just gonna go now i didn't know how to phrase it just be like yeah like i just slipped out of my hands just don't know what happened yeah some guy was egging me on dude you just

gotta tell him what happened this dude wanted to see my swing and i had to break out the guns and yeah i just sent it sent it a little too hard there bud i went there once the fucking route one uh range yeah yeah there once with my buddy dude and he introduces me to his friend who i have no idea who he is he's like yes my buddy you know what you're gonna fucking rip it out here i'm like okay so i'm just like literally like being as mature as i can just hitting the ball his friend as mature sorry being as mature as you can yeah okay cool yeah okay yeah all right so that's the background yeah like i wasn't screaming okay okay racial profanity you were screaming but let's be honest honest. But dude, this kid just brings out like a 12-pack and just starts hammering beers. At the drive-thru page. He keeps going back and forth in the bushes.

Next thing you know, he goes, yeah, I'm going to go take a piss. And we're like, okay. Back to the bush. Dude, he goes where the mini golf course is and starts pissing on the mini golf course. And like the owner runs out. He's like, dude, there's families over there. And he was like, I'm sorry. Like, I didn't know. It's like, there's families over there and he was like i'm sorry like i didn't know it's like how did you not know there's 18 holes i'm 18 beers in man

i was like look man like you look like you look like you're a great guy you know just pissing on mini golf course yeah man it was wild but yeah man i think that was the last time i saw he was block island dude probably for sure yeah man you don't look you've changed at all so no i mean Yeah, man, it was wild But yeah, man, I think that was the last time I saw you It was Block Island, dude Probably, for sure Yeah, man, you don't look like you've changed at all, so No, I mean, grown a little bit Really? Yeah, yeah, in like a couple different ways, but

Yeah, I mean, that's good to hear, though Yeah, you know So like, you were working at like Manny's Hockey Shop, right? Yeah, yeah, so I was working at the sports shop for a while. I left that place, got a job at a, it's like a cleaning supply company, like a maintenance supply company. Started in their warehouse. But now I'm in sales. So like I drive around, I'm a salesman.

For the same company? Yeah, for the same company. So I went from like the warehouse to their store down in Cranston. Then from the store, I got my own sales room. Do you have to like actually like give a sales pitch to people? It's, I mean, like yes and no. I mean, it's like actually like give a sales pitch to people it's i mean like yes and no i mean it's really just like having a conversation like i have a territory from fall river out to the cape but like half the people i talk to are like custodians

oh so they're probably cleaning supplies like i sell cleaning supplies like hand sanitizer like yeah dispensers and shit like that so like i'm talking to custodians like people that clean buildings like it's pretty it's pretty much as easy a conversation as you can have. Like there's nothing formal about it. It's not like, take a look at this product, buy one, get one half off. Like, no, it's not like that. It's like, you got to wipe your ass. Guess what?

I have this toilet paper dispenser that's cheaper than the one you're using. Wait, so if you're talking to custodians in Fall River and Cape Cod, are they just like aged out? I don't know. You got at least one confused look. I don't know. You got to have to elaborate on that one, man. Give me some more details,

because I don't know what you're going for. Are they on heroin? No. No, these people have jobs, so it's like,'t know what you're going over. Are they on heroin? No. No, these people have jobs. So it's like usually if you're on heroin, you probably don't have a pretty stable job. Yeah, that's true. But Fall River and Cape Cod are kind of like hubs. They're two totally different places, man.

Fall River is for sure a hub and Cape Cod is like not at all. Cape Cod is like high-end money out there. No, dude. Cape Cod is, like, not at all. Cape Cod is, like, high-end, like, money out there. No, dude. Cape Cod is fucking big on heroin. I want to know where you went. Dude, they have documentaries on it. Did you go to, like, P-Town or something? Yeah.

Yeah, well, that makes sense. Yeah. I mean, P-Town is, like, a gay town. Yeah, I mean, it's a town for gay people. And, I mean, I'm sure they... I'm not that gay people Get into heroin No it's only that man Cape Cod is like

There's a huge Heroin epidemic In Cape Cod No I don't I don't know what it's like And most people Don't believe it man Because they go down to the Cape

To go to the beach And stuff and what not People go I've been to P-Town dude I've gotten hit on by gay dudes Yeah no you know And the last thing you think Is like you know

People are probably You know H'ing up out here But dude It's a fucking hub man Yeah I can't say I've run into that Yeah I'll send you

Some articles man I'm also Like I'm used to Like Brockton So Okay Brockton's part of My territory as well

Yeah So I mean that's Kind of like The worst of the worst Right there Like sorry to anyone From Brockton Yeah shout out Brockton

Yeah shout out Brockton All the homies But no man So yeah I just I sell cleaning supplies i go around i make my own schedule i mean since covid started i've been actually really busy you know i'm in the right industry i'm selling hand sanitizer and like disinfectant spray and shit like that yeah man sure like dude i'm sure you could hook some people up honestly dude yeah you want you want the uh you want the goods man just hit me line up yeah i might hit you up with an offer dude yeah sounds good get you those lysol wipes you've been asking for dude honestly like cleaning supplies kind of scare me a little bit because i don't

even know what's in them and i feel like no one does i don't know what's in my cell yeah exactly yeah i'm not a chemist chemist people make this shit like and that's why i like yeah people die like when you mix this shit like the dude in the buffalo wild wings like i know you heard that like a while ago no some dude in buffalo wild wings like mixed like two chemicals together to like mop the floors oh really and made like mustard gas like gas out the restaurant dude like the dude died bro like i'm not lying like this dude this dude like started making like he mixed chemicals together to like try and make his own the dude made like a legit mustard gas and he died like from carrying the mop bucket out of the building to try and help people the dude straight died

so it's like i tell people all the time like you're not a chemist like you don't know what's in this shit i don't know what's in this shit just don't mix it like yeah they made it this way for a reason like don't go mixing this shit like yeah don't know what's in this shit. Just don't mix it. Like, yeah, they made it this way for a reason. Like, don't go mixing this shit. Like, yeah, that's what scares me, man.

Plus like when there's such a high demand and there's such little supply, it's like, they must be mixing different stuff, dude. Yeah. Like, honestly, if somebody like literally just pissed in a bottle and was like,

put a label on it, put a cover up on it. And they were like, listen, man, people, this shit will fucking, this,

this shit will like clean you up. I'd be like, okay. Yeah. People would buy. Yeah. Yeah people would buy yeah no it's i mean you gotta have a reputable source you know yeah man it's all about the label it's kind of like supplements like you don't know what's in supplements but dude some of those labels man rock hard they got like fireworks going off and stuff and you're like yeah dude i like this one yeah okay that's the one you go for right i get it i get it i mean cleaning supplies i don't think work like a supplement like that like really i don't think people know man someone like the uh you know dude if i see like clorox wipes dude i'm like i'm going with those yeah yeah i guess i guess you're gonna pay a lot more but same shit yeah i don't know man you never i mean who gives a fuck honestly yeah not me man

like I do this shit every day so I mean that's good though man I remember seeing you at Manny's and I was like I don't know

buying a pair of ice skates or something I didn't even know I was in there honestly I think I looked at one skate or I think you bought

ice skates and a hockey stick at one point I'm almost positive you did maybe dude I honestly probably didn't buy a stick from there I probably looked at a stick and i was like i can't afford this

like this is like a mortgage right now all right yeah yeah no hockey's an expensive sport for sure yeah man so you left there and now you're selling clean supplies man yeah i'm a salesman man i make my own schedule i live my own life how do you like do you have like requirements for yeah so like we have goals and shit like that and i have have to make a weekly schedule for people I'm going to call on and shit and send it to my managers and stuff. And they just kind of monitor a little bit. They'll ask me a question here and there. It's really easy.

I make my own schedule, but I get paid on how well I do. So it's like I could screw off all week, and then I don't get paid as much as I would if I fucking worked all week. I mean, I get paid a salary, but there's also commission involved. That's fucking wild, man. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Good for you, man. I mean, that's why I'm here right now, you know.

I'm on the clock until 5 o'clock, so. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. You should take me on a fucking, like a drive-by. Well, I'm not going to be going out anywhere, but like if someone calls me or something like that like i'll put it on speakerphone i'm good with that yeah yeah that's what i was working this morning i mean dude let me talk to one of the janitors i got you dude i'll let you all right you probably won't be able to understand them but oh really yeah there's a

lot of language barriers man there's a lot of language barriers in this industry for sure yeah and i'm not just being an asshole it's like you ever think about doing like rosetta stone or anything no absolutely not really yeah i don't want i don't have to learn anything new i don't want to learn anything new right now yeah that makes sense they have um what do they have that new learning app it's like uh it's called like fucking butt cheeks some shit yeah i've heard that one no it's called uh fuck blab, some shit. Yeah, I've heard that one. No, it's called fuck blabber, I think. Oh, I've heard the commercials.

Yeah, they're like, you learn this shit. Something like that. Whatever, dude. It sounds like that. It's probably the exact opposite. I'm not downloading it. Yeah, they're like, you want to learn the language? Two weeks, we got you.

It's like, I don't fucking think so. No, no. I'm all set. It's like, I barely know how to read, so. Yeah, I took French in high school, too. Oh, that's right. You were big on French, man. I remember that. It's not even that I was big on it.

It was just easy, man. It was easy. And I wanted to go to France over going to Spain. Yeah. So, like, I capitalized on that, so. Do you want to go to France for that pee? Puss? Yeah, I mean, that's, I mean, that's obviously always a goal when you go there.

Did you go? Yeah, I went to France. What was it like? Did people smell like nutsacks? No, no, they're hairy, though. The hair thing is real, yeah. I heard everyone smells like a nutsack there. I don't know, man.

I got a bad nose. I don't know. It's probably... I don't know, man. A lot of cheese and shit, so I'm sure it probably smells pretty bad. But at the time, I wasn't thinking of that. Yeah, I've always wanted to travel, man, but I never got to it, you know? Yeah, I mean, this was part of a school trip, so it's like, it's not the same, you know?

Yeah, you were just going to send it. I mean, I did turn 18, and the drinking age is 18. So, like, I turned 18, like, on the trip. So, I went, like, hard that night. I, like, turned 18, and, like, I went like on that night like I like turned 18 and like while the chaperones were like walking ahead

like I kind of slowed down and like dipped into the liquor store and like getting bottles and stuff like that yeah and it was fine yeah that's awesome

yeah that's cool that reminds me I went on a school trip in college to New York City and we went to literally the biggest like finance convention

like in the world and I was literally shitted when we gave our presentation you had to give a presentation yeah we went to literally the biggest, like, finance convention, like, in the world. And I was literally shitted when we gave our presentation. You had to give a presentation? Yeah, we had to give, like, a legitimate, like, portfolio presentation of, like, all the shit we were invested in, dude. And I had a bottle just filled with vodka. I'm actually curious on what you were invested in, honestly. I'm curious. But, yeah, I mean, why'd you take that class?

It doesn't sound like something that you'd really want to do. Why would you get into the public speaking and, like, the business side of shit? Oh, finance? Yeah. Oh, I have a degree in finance. Yeah, but are you doing it? Like, do you want to do anything with that? Yeah, I want to wipe my ass with my degree and ask for my money back.

That's what I'm saying. I mean, all right. Maybe, dude. Maybe if, you know, if farts mean, all right, yeah. No, I mean, maybe, dude. Maybe if, you know, if farts don't work out, you know, maybe I'll just, I'll be like,

hey, I have a degree in finance. You can be like a number cruncher and like, you can come help me pay my bills or like, what kind of finances are you trying to get into? Maybe like analytical shit

like I did in college. So maybe if like the whole fart thing doesn't work out, you know, just being myself and chasing my dreams. I think it'll work out though.

Yeah, if like chasing my dreams doesn't work out and they're like, look, John, like it's not gonna work out yeah i'll just yeah i'll just go to a company and be like hey listen i have a degree in finance and they're gonna be like how much experience do you have i'm gonna be like none worked at a bank for a couple months like you know i've blown up a few cars so that's great for the finance world yeah that's that'll

definitely land you a job i've blown up a few toilets, not a few cars, but... I mean, I think they'd just be like, listen, like, we're gonna get back to you. And then they won't get back to me. And I'll probably buy, like, a mobile home of some sorts. And... Dude, I fuck with that. Yeah.

I'll probably create a business where I go around to houses around the mobile home community, and I'm like, hey, listen, do you need work done in your house and i'll be like yeah like i've always wanted like new shutters and i'll be like okay like i got you get a dozen eggs i'll be like yeah like i just need money to buy the shutters and i'll be like okay like here you go i'll be like listen i'll be here tomorrow so i'll i'll rent out like a u-ul and I'll just drive through their home. New shutters, man. Yeah. You're going to leave like the U-Haul like on the outside so it looks like a U-Haul house.

If you do it right, you know what I mean? If I hit it right, I think I'll just go right through the mobile home. And then like the trailer. And then I'll just keep driving. I still have their funds for the shutters. And they have no house to put shutters on, so it's like a win-win. Yeah, they lost. Yeah, it's a win-win.

So that's my contingency plan right now. I have it written out and everything. Cool. Cool. That's how you got to make things work, you know? Dude, I love your ability to keep a straight face. It's really improved. Because I remember being in classes with you, and you were like the worst.

Yeah, man. No, it's definitely still bad but dude you're like mr lynch bro i don't know who that is you know mr lynch is bro coach lynch from back in the day little league no dude i had like the same little league coach like really what team were you on oh you're mr i had the cubs i was on the cubs i had ross okay oh so you were in Mr. McQuaid I had the Cubs So I was on the Cubs I had Ross Okay Oh so you were in the National League Spencer and Austin yeah You were in the National League But then I was like As we got older

I was on McQuaid's team for Oh Mr. Lynch was in the American League dude We had him on the podcast man Literally Straight face Can say like the funniest shit ever dude It's like You cannot break him

Yeah no I'm definitely breakable I mean I don't think I've gotten that much better At a straight face Well compared to like the past Cause I'm thinking about like Being in class with you Yeah no think I've gotten that much better at a straight face. Well, compared to, like, the past, because I'm thinking about, like, being in class with you. Yeah, no. And I would just say, like, you know, just one random thing, and you would just die laughing. Yeah.

Depends on the situation, you know what I mean? Depends on the pressure that's around us. Like, if I can't, like... I think you were honestly the worst person to sit next to. Because I would... Dude, I remember, like, we were in a class. I can't say names, obviously. The teacher was, like...

I wouldn't want to fight her. Let's just put it that way and some give me a grade like what grade are we talking we were sophomores in high school okay and some some kid comes in who happens to be gay not against it you know we were just like oh there's you know there's so-and-so and he goes I left my Uggs here. He said it like that. He was like, I left my Uggs in class. And the teacher goes, okay. I mean, I left them behind the desk for you. And dude, you just go, yo, John, you see that shit? And you just start laughing your ass off. And I start laughing.

And you, like, somehow I got in trouble for it. And I thought the teacher was going to fight me. She was like, John, you think that shit's fucking funny, bitch? I literally couldn't even speak. I bet you you lied and said, no, I don't think it's funny. Dude, I tremored. Like, for the first time in my life, I couldn't speak. I was like, uh, uh, uh.

And she was like, I'll fucking fight you. Yeah. And you just kept laughing. Dude, I just, sometimes I just don't care. I'm going to laugh. I'm going to laugh. If you take offense to it, it's fine. But, I mean. I mean, dude, good for you, though, man. Like, dude, I just, sometimes I just don't care. I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna laugh. If you take offense to it, it's fine, but I mean.

I mean, dude, good for you though, man. Like, keeping a straight face, like, that really pays off in the long run. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you would know. I mean, you're like,

fucking stone cold. Yeah, I don't know, it's just something about your face, dude. Like, it just makes me laugh, man. Thanks, man, thanks. Depends on the person, man. There's some people

where, like, it's the opposite. Like, they'll look at me and I'll be straight-faced and they'll, like, they won't be able to stop laughing. But you just bring out, like, an energy where I'm just like. I fuck with person, man. There's some people where, like, it's the opposite. Like, they'll look at me and I'll be straight-faced and they won't be able to stop laughing. But you just bring out, like, an energy where I'm just like... I fuck with that, though. It's a good energy.

It's a positive energy. It's a positive thing, I think. I'm trying to look at it as a positive thing. It might just be based off of our experiences as children. I really think that has a big part to do with it. It's just thinking about the things that we've done. Yeah, just, like, trying not to think about it. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you remember those block parties you have yeah on your street man yep i remember going to those dude yeah it was pretty cool we used to get like the big boxing

rings and shit and like beat the shit out of each other and yeah i remember i wasn't even in your neighborhood no no there was a lot of people because like you hung out with people like there was someone a couple people on the street used to hang out with and like you knew not just me on the street you know so yeah i just remember specifically like everyone on that street would like put like weeks of effort into like preparing food and they would just put it on their front lawn just go right and i would just go right in and they would just be like do you live in this neighborhood and i'd be like yeah and they'd be like you can have whatever you want yeah just take it yeah they probably wouldn't want to stop you at that yeah yeah so yeah and

like there was a lot of kids on the street so like they knew you were just one of like the hood rats from one of our friends like just coming by hood rat dude yeah that's that's what you were when we were younger like you think so yeah you were a degenerate yeah i mean i think now i'm a degenerate i don't know about earlier i feel like i was a pretty nice child no yeah you're right you're right no i mean we can get into details if we want it like we can we can talk about stories what like experiences like do you remember like of me being a degenerate though like did we ever light a penis on fire yeah really yeah right we really you have to ask this i, I've done it so many times. We filled a water bottle with gasoline.

I feel like I'm going to incriminate myself if I say this was like 20 years ago. We were under the age. We weren't even 18. No, absolutely not. We snuck out of one of my friend's house. Dude, worst comes to worst, we'll just send this to the police department. Yeah, and it was just like, I mean, we didn't harm anyone. We didn't like set someone's house on fire we just went in the middle of a four-way intersection and just i remember i remember this vividly you know why because i got

i told you to poke a hole in the top of the water bottle yeah so you could actually spray it and like get get the definition that you wanted i know what you were going for you know so i was like dude just poke a hole you're not gonna be able to dump it and like make it look like what you want you're like fuck this you took the cap off and just dumped it all in one spot really yeah and you're gonna remember this one part when i when i tell you it you lit it we started fucking running dude and i look back and the thing was like like maybe a foot high off the ground it wasn't we got like 10 feet down the road and looked back dude it was like 10 fucking feet tall and and I remember you specifically saying I've never seen you look that scared in your life

Really Dude I ran Like I was scared We were gonna catch something on fire Like This was on a main road It was like in these back roads You know

You got all these four way intersections Where all these streets kind of come Dude cause the The primary time that I remember Right Alright You weren't there Unfortunately You would've literally Great story for the time You would've asked your mom to pick you up Fuck yeah the primary time that I remember, right? All right. You weren't there, unfortunately.

You would have literally... Great story for the time, though. You would have asked your mom to pick you up. We took like a legitimate gallon of gas, like a red container of gas, and we went on Diamond Hill Road. And we were having a sleepover in this kid's backyard, so we snuck out late at night.

We took the gallon of gas, and I took probably like five minutes to draw the penis like it was massive it took up the entire road cool so this kid runs up to it legitimately lights it and then it fucking goes up in flames probably like five to six feet so we're already shitting ourselves these kids run back to the house they were at to go in the backyard. I was so scared. I literally slid under this dude's camper. The camper was right next to the flaming dick. That's how I was just paranoid.

I didn't know what to do. You didn't eat it and your legs froze? So I'm like watching the penis and I'm seeing cars come by. And this kid walks over to the penis and takes a shit in the middle of the penis, dude. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. I mean, good for him. Dude, I was like, the amount of focus

and dedication that that takes, dude. And he just doesn't even wipe, just pulls up his pants and we go back to the kid's backyard, just hop in the tent and we're all like crying.

And then this kid takes out a legitimate bow and arrow and starts shooting it in the air. And we're like, dude, what are you doing? He's like, I don't know, man. I'm just shooting bow and arrows.

Just found this in the backyard. At his neighbor's house. And next thing you know, we hear parents walking around. They had a neighborhood watch. Yeah, they had a neighborhood watch while this kid's shooting bow and arrows at his neighbor's house and they didn't catch us no i was like dude we're literally in the backyard like waiting for you you know what i mean so that's that is like something you remember yeah that is something like i vividly remember but i also remember like other attempts at doing that. Yeah. I can honestly say I've only done that with you once.

Yeah. I can honestly say in that moment in time, it wasn't funny at all. But looking back on it, it's legitimately hilarious. Yeah, it's pretty fucking funny. I think one of my favorite ones that we did was the crackheads that live down the street. Yeah. I mean, there's so many. I don't think they live there anymore.

No, but that's fine. Me, you, and a couple of the other kids snuck out of the house one night, and they just raked the yard in the day. Me, you, and we started grabbing the leaf bags and just started dumping them back out in the yard and stacked them on the cars and filled the bed of the trucks with the leaves that they just raked like it spent all probably like fucking day week raking them back and we just dumped them all back

out and like just to piss them off like yeah it's just a little shit like that one that one's like funny because like it didn't hurt anyone it didn't damage anything yeah i mean it's just like you gotta get back out there and clean it up again like emotionally it probably scarred them for a while that's the best part there's no what the fuck There's no physical damage Yeah man The thing that like hurts me the most is like When I was younger I was just like I never want to be like an adult Who just like bashes kids for what they're doing

And like here I am just like Fuck all of you Like to kids is that what you're saying? Like not really but like I'm starting to become that Where I'm like what do do kids find in this? Yeah, I think you have no right to be that judgmental over kids nowadays. That's why the memories, they pay off in that sense because I'm like, what was I doing when I was that young?

Yeah, I think you got to step back and look at the bigger picture. It's just like, well, the argument is like, we did that and you that, and, like, a funny adult would be like, that's awesome. Like, I'm glad you did. Yeah, I'm glad you had fun as a kid. But, you know, obviously, like, a mature adult would be like. That's a lot of money. Yeah, it's like, you know, like, you fucked up. You're going to jail.

But, like, it's like, I think there's, like, an art form to it, you know what I mean? To kids being kids? Just to, like, what you're doing, you know what i mean the kids being kids just to like what you're doing you know what i mean because like the the shit that makes me mad is like sam like going for a run and i see a kid who just hops in his like honda accord and just goes 90 right by you yeah it's like dude this fucking okay this is a 10 mile an hour lane dude you're going like highway speed and blowing donuts when no one's there. Like, my argument is like, if he was blowing donuts outside of like a K Jewelers, now we're talking. That's funny.

Yeah. That's like, people are watching you. Like, you're offending a lot of people. That's where it happens. But just do it on the side road while Johnny Salami's going for his night jog. Dude, if I'm doing wind sprints and you want to fucking pull a jeff gordon and start peeling out when no one's around like what the fuck you gotta you gotta do that somewhere else i should just go have a talk with him be like listen kids i'm gonna tell you a story it's just at that point it's like it's not funny

like it's not fun like who are you doing it for like you gotta do it to to get that clout i don't think you know because we Because our intention was never to hurt anyone. We just wanted to have a good laugh. And sometimes you gotta make sacrifices, man. Yeah, I guess. I can't say we didn't laugh good. Honestly, I feel like we were all really good kids, man. I feel like we were all really good kids,

but our actions spoke a lot louder than our words did. I guess, but I still think we were good kids. I mean, again, like you said, kids got to be kids. So we just found a way to do it. But imagine going into high school, right? Well, no, we were in middle school. So imagine going to middle school class and the principal calls us down in the office. And think about me at that moment in time.

Both of us sitting next to each other. Me just straight-faced. Like, people think I'm going to, like, call, like, you know. I've never said anything. You're going to shoot up a school or something. Yeah, yeah. I got you. So they already have, like, their first impression of me,

and then the principal's just like, listen, like, we heard you guys lit a flaming penis in the middle of, like, the busiest road around here. They wouldn't even think it's you. Yeah, straight-faced. I'm just like, yeah. Yeah, that was me. But, yeah, man, that would be priceless. Yeah, straight face. I'm just like, yeah. Yeah, that was me. But yeah, man, that would be priceless.

Yeah, it would. That would be like the best part. You'd have to try and capture that reaction, you know? That would be the best part. It's like, it's not even doing it. It's just like watching the people judge you after the fact that you've done it. It's like seeing how they react. That's kind of the best part.

It's kind of like teachers now. Like teachers who have seen the podcast or like seen my videos they're like wow this kid used to do that he's like that was him doing that they're just like this is my numbing yeah yeah so yeah good here doing well though absolutely man absolutely got off on a little tangent there but yeah man so you dressed for the occasion today you're dressed up a little tangent there, but. Yeah, man. So you dressed for the occasion today. You're dressed up a little more than the usual. I actually just went to Old Navy, dude.

So, I went to Supercuts. I went to Supercuts, and they were like, look, there's going to be a wait. So I was like, you know what?

I'm just going to go to Old Navy, right next door. And dude, I found these pants, man. And, not even going to lie, dude,

I would recommend going to Old Navy, like, right now. Just go right now man they're like they're like sports pants but they look like normal pants so they have that like uh flex fit you know what i'm saying yeah yeah but yeah man i went and they were like yeah can you just provide me your email and i was like whenever that happens like i don't want to be a dick and say no so i just make up an email that's like close to mine all right so i go yeah my email is

uh john she goes okay what else i go it's uh john s-k-e-a-o-i she goes okay so you said john s-i-k-o-u-e and i was like yeah that's it and she like she like looked at me like I was the biggest dick ever, but I was just like, I'm not giving you my fucking email. Yeah, it's like, I'm not giving you my fucking email.

Just put it in there. Yeah. You want to save 20%? Yeah. No. Because you suck on these fucking dicks. You're lucky I'm even buying these shitty bands.

Yeah. But yeah, man, that's what I did, dude. I fucking got it. I feel you. Yeah. Cool. I forgot what I was going to just say, dude. I fucking got it done. I feel you. Yeah. Cool. I forgot what I was going to just say, dude.

What was I thinking about? I went to Supercuts. Went to a movie after. I said you dressed up for the occasion, man. I just forgot, man. Yeah, I don't know. Honestly. All right, cool.

But that's it, dude. That's where we're at, then. Just can't take this seriously, man. Yeah, no. I mean, it's hard when we haven't had a serious conversation ever. Like, really, realistically. I mean, even in, like, football and, like, during sports, like, I didn't talk to you guys. You talk to us all the time.

Not really. I don't think you realize, like, how little I said, though. So, like, us talking would have been, like, monumental. Yeah, exactly. I would have remembered it, but that's why I'm like, I don't think we ever. Why wouldn't you like that though?

Why wouldn't you like like a monumental conversation? No, it's not that I wouldn't like it. It just didn't happen. You don't think so? I feel like we had multiple conversations. We've had monumental conversations, you think?

I think every conversation I have is monumental. Yeah, okay. That's a good way to look at life. That's a good way to look at life That's a good way to look at life John No but dude I feel like we definitely talked a lot You know in high school

Yeah yeah we were definitely Like close friends in high school But like I'm talking about like Specifically like in sports And shit like that You don't think so? No I feel like we did man

Alright yeah I feel like in sports I was like specifically like very quiet Yeah you were So I mean dude it's so hard to say that Cause you're like You're a quiet person Like you were Like on the Dude it's so hard to say that Cause you're like You're a quiet person

Like you were Like Yeah On the outside Like unless you knew you But like People don't think you fucking said shit Like

No one thinks you talk Yeah Like that's the way it was And I was like No this kid talks And he says some fucked up shit Like Yeah

I think that's what it was I wish we could look up Some of the texts I used to send you Dude I thought about that Thoroughly Like throughout the night I was like Is there any way I can pull we could look up some of the texts I used to send you. Dude, I thought about that thoroughly throughout the night. Is there any way I can pull up these conversations? You're not the only one, dude.

Yeah. Okay. So you don't think your mom would laugh, though? No, my mom's got a stupid sense of humor. She doesn't... Did your mom ask to be top five nicest people I've ever talked to? Yeah, no, she's a saint dude she'll give you the shirt

off her back but but like dude if I like if I like let out a joke like in front of her it depends on the joke man say we're like driving down the road it depends on the joke

say we're like driving down the road dude like Bohemian Rhapsody is playing alright we're like on a road trip or something okay trying to picture it

and I just scream with my mom we're on a road trip with my mom me you and your mom and your mom yeah I was just saying my mom's we're on a road trip with my mom. me, you, and your mom. And your mom. Yeah,

I was just saying, my mom's in the back with me. Yeah, Maureen's there, dude. Bohemian Rhapsody's playing. It's at like a subtle volume, so you can have like conversation.

And I just fucking yell, fuck me in the ass, like at the top of my lungs, on the highway. Yeah, I feel like I'd laugh, and like my mom, like my mom might chuckle, but like, it'd be a weird car ride for the rest of the road trip you know what i mean like like she might laugh for like half a

second and then she'd be like i'm not saying like she would laugh at the substance of what i said like there's no critical meaning to it but like the randomness you don't think she'd be like you know i yeah again i think she'd laugh yeah but like no it's not that's not like her mom doesn't like like will ferrell and like stupid comedy like that like i fucking love will ferrell like he's one of my my favorite actors and i watch any movie stepbrothers like hell yeah yeah shadow will she hates that shit really yeah i'm like like get the fuck out of here like so like you know she she has a weird sense of humor. She doesn't find stupid shit funny. Wow.

Yeah. So I mean, she might laugh, but if you yelled fuck me in the ass while Bohemian Rhapsody What I think would happen is she'd probably swerve off the road. Okay. Maybe a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Probably because you scared her. Yeah, yeah. Out of fear.

And then you would laugh because you'd keep playing it over and over in your head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how to react. You'd have to put me in that situation, man. Put me in the car. I wonder what my mom would do. She'd just be like, don't.

Yeah, I feel like your mom doesn't know. Oh, she does, yeah. She knows your type of humor. Dude, so going back to what we were talking about. So your mom came into my mom's work. My mom told me two different stories. She goes, yeah, I saw like a bunch of people that used to know you today. And I was like, okay, I don't give a fuck.

She was like, yeah, like Brandy's mom came in. She was like, yeah, we need to go to a show. And I was like, yeah, well, you're not fucking coming. And dude, then she goes, she was talking about this other kid who we used to play basketball with with so his dad goes to see my mom and she's like maureen like is that you and my mom's like yeah like how you doing and he goes your son almost gave me a fucking stroke and my mom goes what and he goes yeah i saw some of the videos they're pretty fucked up my mom's just like oh the videos yeah yeah yeah he's doing well and uh yeah man that was the first thing he said to my mom though just like no context just like yeah your son almost gave me a fucking stroke and she was just like

yeah you must have been watching like your instagram videos or something like that it's probably one of the youtube videos or something whatever um i think she knows but she just like doesn't know how to like like, bring it up. Because it's hard to bring up. Just be like, hey, honey, like, I get it, but. You're missing a couple chromosomes, but. She just, like, I think she knows what to expect. She's kind of like, listen, like, do your own thing, but I don't want to know what you're saying.

Respectful, as any good mom should. It's kind of like when you're spanking. Yeah, okay. And your mom knocks, and, like, she kind of, like, knows already. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's like, listen. I try and time it to where, like, no one's home, so that shit doesn't happen.

I mean, luckily enough, man, like, I've come close. But, like, if it does happen, dude, I'll literally just take my covers and, like them out the window just like scream fire or some shit you know what i'm saying like yeah that'll just avoid the situation you know that'll avert yeah but yeah i think she she obviously she knows you know i mean it would be insane if she was like yeah my son is like an honors kid like he's fucking wicked mature she's like no she knows yeah she knows not to say that so like you have a girlfriend um how's that how'd you guys get together for a while so it'll be like five years really yeah what's that like having like do you still jerk off when you have a girlfriend fuck yeah really

yeah does it make it any better or you think it makes it worse does having a girlfriend make jerking off better is that what you're asking or does jerking off make having a girlfriend better well i mean like i think both really yeah you're asking? Or does jerking off make having a girlfriend better? Well, I mean, like, obviously. Because I think both. Really? Yeah. You're on both sides?

How can you be on both sides? Well, I think they benefit each other. I think having a girlfriend helps jerking off, and I think jerking off helps having a girlfriend. Oh, okay.

You know what I mean? I see what you're saying now. I think you meant like it's like a bad thing. No. Like it makes it worse. No. Like I thought you were going to say

like you feel like you're betraying your girlfriend. No, because it's like, no, fuck that. Yeah. I'm not cheating on her. It's fucking, it makes it worse. No. Like, I thought you were going to say, like, you feel like you're betraying your girlfriend. No, because it's like, no, fuck that. Yeah. I'm not cheating on her. It's fucking, it's myself. I've been doing it my whole life.

Like, fuck that. You're cheating on her with Asa Akira. No, and it's not like I'm, like, a fucking chronic masturbator like I used to be in high school. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, what high school boy wasn't, but it's like, I mean, you probably still are, so I get what you're saying. Like, oh, really? Like, you're not?

But, you know, it's just like, yeah, it's, you know, when you can't get that. Yeah, so you've moved on. So I get what you're saying. Like, oh, really? Like you're not? But yeah, you know, it's just like, yeah, it's, it's, you know, when you can't get that. Yes. You've moved on basically is what you're saying. Yeah. Okay. I mean, moved on from jerking off as much because I have a girlfriend, but it's still good every once in a while just to, you know. I've always wondered that, man.

Cause like, you know, I haven't, I've had a girlfriend a long time. You know, I've obviously been kind of a loner for a while. So like, as far as girls go, I just kind of like, I like watching, like, observing relationships. And I'm just like, I wonder if that guy, like, spanks, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, they definitely do. And if they tell you they're not, they're lying. You think so? Yeah, 100%.

100%. I mean, I know some guys, man, I feel like, you know, maybe they'll just be like, maybe they'll just be like, yeah, like, I feel like if I spank, like, I'm betraying my girlfriend or something. Why? Because they're whipped. Because they're whipped. I was going to say, why? Like, what doesing my girlfriend Or something Why? Because they're whipped Because they're whipped I was going to say why What does she want to do with it? You can just fucking do your own thing

And if she doesn't want to She doesn't want to It's fine You're not going to have sex Every time you want to have sex I don't know man I feel like that might mess With the intimacy

You know what I'm saying? No Yeah I mean I don't go out of my way To tell my girlfriend And be like Yo you didn't fuck me last night So I jerked off this morning Like No Oh yeah that'd be fine No you don't do out of my way to tell my girlfriend and be like, yo, you didn't fuck me last night, so I jerked off this morning.

Oh, yeah, that'd be fine. No, you don't do that, but that's what happens. It'd be kind of funny if your girlfriend was just on the couch eating popcorn or some shit, and you were like, yo, I just rubbed on out to some ebony. I mean, I don't know if that'd be funny. I mean, I guess it'd make a weird time, but it depends on the effort you put into it, you know? Yeah, I'm trying here, man. You're trying to break my stone cold?

Yeah. Nah, it's... These are legitimate questions, but I just... I feel like I'm answering them pretty legitimately, too. No, I mean, I just feel like, you know... These are actual things you think about. Yeah, these are legitimate questions I have. I'm not just, like, shooting the shit with you.

I'm legitimately curious. That's why I'm giving you genuine answers. Yeah. I are like legitimate questions I have. Yeah, you're not just saying this. I'm not just like shooting the shit with you. I'm like legitimately curious. That's why I'm giving you genuine answers. Yeah. I'm not bullshitting you, you know? Yeah. How do you, like, this is another thing I've always wondered, like, did you guys meet on like a dating app or was it kind of like? No, it was actually CCRI.

Oh, wow. And a teacher. Yeah, believe it or not, a teacher actually paired us up in class. Wow. Yeah. What class was it? It was like a literature class or something like that. We each had, like, an essay to write, and they just kind of, like, peer edited and stuff.

Oh, dude. It was one of those things where, like, the teacher was like, you go with you. You just turn around and face each other or whatever. Dude, it's always literature class, too, man. Yeah, it's always the English, you know, the linguistics, man. I'm good with my words. It's just... Yeah, dude, I remember that happened to me in college, man.

There was this chick. Her name was Mary, dude. All right. Dude, she had tits that, like, the remember that happened to me in college, man. There was this chick. Her name was Mary, dude. All right. Dude, she had tits that like the U.S. military would purchase. Cool. You know what I'm saying? Cool. Like, dude, knobs, bro.

And we got paired up and we had to edit each other's thesis. So like both of ours were pretty good. And some dumbass fucking kid reads my thesis and just goes i don't fucking agree with it and mary stood up for me dude she was like i think it's a great fucking thesis and you didn't wife mary up i had to go to the bathroom dude yeah i mean she's like dude she's like a fucking model now dude Why didn't you hop on the Mary train man It sounded like She unfollowed me man

I think she saw the videos Yeah she probably saw a couple of videos Yeah Dude I can see that happening You got a lot going for you Until they really start to know you I have that thing

They're like Yeah I don't know man Yeah dude I thought I was in love man And it's all because of English class dude Yeah I mean I mean if I saw her out at the club or something I was in love man And it's all because Of English class dude Yeah I mean

I mean if I saw her out At the club or something I was like yo Mary You wanna see another thesis Nah I'm just kidding That'd be fun You do that literature homework Nah but I mean

I'm thankful for the teacher And shit but But yeah it was CCRI man That was like honestly The best thing that came From that place That place was hell Yeah I agree man

CCRI It's like 13th grade You know what I mean Like half the kids from Cumberland That was, like, honestly the best thing that came from that place. That place was hell. Yeah, I agree, man. CCRI. It's, like, 13th grade, you know what I mean? Like, half the kids from Cumberland were still there when I went there, so it was, like... Yeah, man, I thought I was disabled when I went to CCRI. Like, I had, like... You thought you were disabled? Like, because of the people around you, you thought you, like, association? I legitimately...

Yeah, I legitimately felt, like... I feel that. Maybe, like, I was questioning, like, maybe this is like where i belong you know like maybe maybe i should be wearing like a pokemon stuffed animal on my head at all times yeah yeah that was that was that was definitely the place for it so yeah i got in and got the hell out of that as quick as i could man just got my associates agree how'd you guys start hitting it off though like you just like you got paired up and like what was it like like we both smoke so i mean wow that's depressing dude no no it's not depressing at all you just get high together

yeah like in between classes and shit like that like we both had a break before that class together and we found that out just by talking and shit so we'd go out to my car and just smoke together and go back into class whatever you could get high before a class? Yeah. No, like, honestly, this goes all the way back to high school, bro. I smoked in high school, and people didn't know. I really consider myself like a functioning stoner. Wow, dude, that's amazing. Yeah, like, if you saw me not baked, it'd probably look a little more weird.

Wow, really? Yeah. You think you'd be, like, a little more upset? I'd just act a little different. I don't know. I mean, I can't say I'm a good... I don't know. I don't know. I've never...

Yeah, I've never had that... You never judge yourself like that outside of the fact... That's fascinating, man. I don't think I've ever met, like, a functioning stoner. Yeah, no, I... I've been, like... I... 100%, like, I used to do it before work and, like...

Really? I go to work. Yeah, yeah. Did it make it, like, more enjoyable? Yeah. That's the main reason why I did it. Yeah. Because, well, it's just, like, because you just, yeah, you just zone out.

I'm, like, like I said, I used to work at, like, a store and stuff. Like, I got mayonnaise and shit like that. Like, dude, no one came in that place. Like, that place was slow all the time. Unless it was, like, a hockey game. Like, on, like, a Friday night, there was, like, a high school hockey game. Then they'd be busy, like, shopping and skates and stuff. Like, during the week, bro, like, I'd get, like like three customers throughout the day like an eight hour day so like i just locked the door go out to my

car real quick just smoke a jay go back inside wow yeah dude and then it was fine nothing i've never had that experience man i've never been high and been like wow yeah no i mean it took a long time you know like because i remember a couple of occasions we've smoked in the past, like at a couple of friends' house and stuff, and at that time I acted a lot different, you know? Yeah. Same way you would act now probably. Yeah.

So it took a long time, but it's just, yeah, you're a functional stoner, man. I've always wondered how people would deal with, like, random situations, though, like when you're high, because I've told this story before. I went to a bowling alley high once. All right. And a special needs kid ran into me and i didn't know how to react obviously you know and that's an example of like being a functioning stoner like if you can handle that situation as a stoner yeah but that's that's a tough situation to handle so it's like

that's a that's like a that's an eight ball that's a trick one like yeah that's an eight ball. That's a trick one. That's a trick situation. Hypothetical, right? So you're at Manny's, dude. Yeah. Right before, you know, you smoke like a blunt. Yep. You rip it up, dude.

You're stoned as shit. Hell yeah. You go inside. Yep. You hear the door open. Cool. It's me, dude. Even better, dude. This is got to be better.

So you're in like a good mood. You're like, wow, John's here, dude. Even better, dude. This is got to be better. So you're in like a good mood. You're like, wow, John's here, dude. Yep. I take like a $300 stick and just start blind firing everywhere, just swinging it as hard as I can. It's not my problem, man. And that's where like I think the weed kicks in. It's like if I was sober, I'd be like, bro, get the fuck out.

Like, what are you doing? But like if I'm lit, I'm like, bro, like this isn't my shit. Like what am I going to do? Take a hockey stick and beat the shit out of you like this isn't my merchandise like what am i what am i gonna do i think that's where i would that's where it would come in and that's how i would handle that situation i just that's admirable man again it's just like i feel like we're at like a fucking human resource meeting dude like what would you do in this situation uh you're just like that's a good job interview yeah it's not my fucking problem yeah you're not hired listen we fucking like you like when do you want to start yeah

fucking sign me up coach yeah but that's always that's always blown my mind man some people were like Fucking sign me up, coach. Yeah. But that's always blown my mind, man. Some people were like, some close people, you know, I'm close with, they fucking do it all the time, man. And they somehow get by and I'm just like, dude, I remember studying for an accounting exam once, hi. I was at the Cumberland Public Library. And I wore like fancy clothes and just got absolutely blitzed in the parking lot.

So I get out of the car, dude. Three seconds later, I step on a piece of dog shit. So, like, when we go in the fucking monastery, I'm literally just smelling shit. I'm, like, I'm high as fuck. I'm, like, bro, do you smell that? I look down. There's, like, a legitimate human-sized shit on my fucking foot. So I had to go outside and like clean it off, and it still smelled, dude.

Yeah. But I came back in, and I'm like studying for this accounting exam, and I'm just like trying to be open-minded. I'm like, dude, I get that I'm wicked high, but I feel like if I just focus, I can do this. Dude, I got a fucking 25 on the exam. You know why? You got to take the test high after you study high. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, is that true too? That's probably why you fucked up. You think so? Yeah, 100%. Wow. I got to try that. I'm telling you, man. It brings everything back.

I'm telling you, bro. That's how it works. You're just so fucking experienced, man. That's how it works, bro. I'm a guru, man. No, definitely not. But no, I mean, it is what it is. It's not for everyone.

It is for some people, you know? Yeah. That's what I try to tell people, man. Now that I don't do it anymore, I'm just kind of like, listen, man. Like, if you saw me do it, you'd change your mind. You know, you'd be like, listen, this isn't for you, John. No, I think the opposite, man. I would love to be around you.

Just all the time. Smoking. I would love to be around you. Yeah, that's the thing, though. Like, I get it. You know, people used to, dude, I don't think I ever even had to pay for weed when we got high because people were just like, listen, just tell me what's on.

We need to see this kid hot. Yeah, we just want to know what's on your mind. And it was, like, so fun for other people, dude. But afterwards, dude, on the ride home, I'd be listening to Avril Lavigne bawling my eyes out. I'm like, what have I become, dude? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it hits everyone different, man.

Sometimes just getting a vibe. I mean, it all depends on your mood, too, man. Yeah. It all depends on your mood prior. There's always something I wanted, though, dude. That's awesome, though, man. Sometimes just getting a vibe. I mean, it all depends on your mood too, man. It all depends on your mood prior. It's always something I wanted though, dude. That's awesome though, man. Yeah. Like I feel like you just have to be fucking calm at all times. Definitely help. I mean that being calm helps so you don't get anxious. Yeah. I mean, but then smoking helps you be calm too once you learn how to like manage it. I've also noticed that like girls really like, like relaxed, like high guys for some reason, dude. Like.

Yes. It's just something I've observed. Dude, like, I used to have this wicked hot professor. All right. Like, a finance professor. And there was this kid who was always high. And he would literally just burst out laughing all the time. I thought it was, like, the funniest thing in the world.

So, like, the teacher asked him a question, like, a legitimate question, you know. She's like, what do you think about this investment? And he just, like, fucking dies laughing. And laughing and the teacher was like wet as fuck dude like she laughed so fucking hard dude good for him man and she like talked to him for the rest of class she was like so like what do you do for fun and i was just like are you hitting on a student kid got an a yeah yeah that kid got an a she's like well man like i think it's just positive energy really yeah that and like if the girl's a. It's like, wow, man. Like, I think it's just positive energy, really. Yeah, it's got to be what it is. It's what it wants to be, dude.

That and, like, if the girl's a smoker, too. Like, she knows she's smoking for free, like, the rest of her life. Oh, you think so? Oh, yeah. 100%. Yeah, that's, like, the deeper shit, man. Yeah, that's, like, when they're, like, girls hang out with guys just to get, like, free weed and, like, drinks bought for them and shit like that.

Oh, wow, dude. That must happen, too. Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, there's a lot of girls. I mean, if my girlfriend's doing that, she's been with me for way too long like yeah i mean i've been used personally like by a lot of girls that's what i'm saying just buy a free drink and yeah yeah man i'm sure like a lot of girls are like hey john's single you know doesn't talk to any women like you should ask him to go to chili's and just fucking use him for like and he'll pay for your

food and your drinks and shit yeah and it goes the same with weed too i'm sure girls are like damn i want to smoke a blunt. It's fucked up, man. I ain't got no weed and no money, so let me go. It's terrible, man. Yeah, I'm sure that's a thing, but, you know.

That's unfortunate, man. But, I don't know, man. I think it's just like a positive energy thing, man. Gold diggers. Yeah, dude. You got to watch out for them, man. Yeah, they're out there.

I don't know what I'm talking about, but, listen, man. It was great to see you, dude. All right. I fucking laughed my ass off on this, man. It was good to see you, man.