The Johnny Salami Podcast - Rob Stant

Episode Date: January 5, 2025

Rob Stant by The Johnny Salami Podcast...

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha. Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Oh, I'm hurting. That's a good distance right there. Okay, cool. I would say like a flaccid penis length away.
Starting point is 00:00:42 So like, like you're about to suck it and then you're like about to pull back depends on the size I guess but yeah so you'd say this is like average yeah like you're about to suck and then you're like no no okay you're my fucking no we can't do this you're my stepbrother perfect analogy yeah this coffee's about to give me fucking wire dude I Mainline caffeine almost all the time. Yeah, dude same man. I'm absolutely shredding it bro, but this coffee machine was like First espresso shot. Mm-hmm. I thought my fucking eyebrows were gonna burn off. Dude was crazy. Yeah, there's nothing like that feeling too, man You ever put espresso in your coffee Mmm, like it like you get like a coffee you're like add espresso in it. That's when you really fucking that feel like a crackhead Yeah, I used to do that at a Dunkin Donuts, but I feel like their espresso is just like fucking like Indian piss
Starting point is 00:01:38 Or anybody's piss right it doesn't have to be in the yeah. No, it's Indian But yeah, man, it felt good to get that feeling back, you know, like when the caffeine hits. You ever get that driving around? Like you drive a lot? Yeah. You like to whip it and just kind of like think about life and shit? I wouldn't say that, but I drive a lot. Yeah, but I know what you're talking about, cracking a Celsius. Yeah. You ever drink Celsius? Yeah, but I know what you're talking about, cracking a Celsius. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:05 You ever drink Celsius? Yeah, I fucking rip Celsius, dude. I start my morning with a coffee and then out the door, I got a Celsius. So I do the pre-workout, I'll do pre-workout and then coffee. You're fucking insane for that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:21 Pre-workout and then coffee? Yeah. Or coffee and then what order are you doing things? I'll take like 400 milligrams of pre-workout. You're just trying to kill yourself That's the goal man, but I hit the gym in between so You know, I fight my demons at the gym man after those 400 milligrams. Yeah, I should go straight to Duncan Yeah, now that now the battle is won you're like really relaxed with some coffee But dude, it's been like fucking with my head. I feel like mm-hmm
Starting point is 00:02:52 I just feel like I used to eat like better man and like when the caffeine hit like I would like where I'm from And driving around was kind of like my thing There's nothing else to do man. You just kind of drive by a fucking David's bridle dude Yeah, put off like fake gunshots He's slurs Yeah, you know you drop f-bombs. Yeah, put some put some rocks on a fucking black Friday, dude That's exactly yeah, what a good what a good time that would be yeah, that's all you really can do man But I used to fucking I used to put I used at my old job
Starting point is 00:03:28 They had their own cafeteria and every like day I would ask for a black coffee with a shot of espresso and Then the one day I like did that and then eat a bag of gummy bears and my heart was racing so bad I thought I was having a panic attack. So I called 9-1-1 And they and an ambulance pulled up and like I do I thought I was having a panic attack so I called 911 and an ambulance pulled up and like I thought I was having a heart attack. It was the first time I ever like and I because I thought I was having a heart attack I gave myself a panic attack on top of it so my heart's racing because I had too much caffeine and too much sugar and then I'm in the ambulance and like I just felt like such a pussy because these two like veteran like EMTs are like doing my vitals.
Starting point is 00:04:08 And they're like, did you take any drugs? And I was like, no, just gummy bears. It's like the only time I've ever seen an EMT like disappointed that I didn't do drugs. Yeah. So this guy's just a total, I just feel like a total pussy. Yeah. Yeah. And then you get to the ER and they're fucking like, they just, you can tell that like the nurses are coming in and they like somebody else was talking shit about you and they're like so gummy bears huh? You're like, yeah Someone just got hit in a fucking hit and run and you're just like yeah, yeah
Starting point is 00:04:38 Somebody like somebody like next door is like dying. I'm just like It was embarrassing to have me tell my boss like yeah, I'm in the hospital. He was like why I was like I had a panic attack and tell him why I was like, yeah, just anxiety Yeah, I bought fucking pre-workout from Walmart once dude, and I was in the parking lot of the gym Just like chug the whole thing and I told my buddy I was like, yeah, man, I really feeling I'm gonna like chug another one You use the edible method where you're like, I'm not really feeling I'm gonna like chug another one. Uh-huh We went in you use the edible Method where you're like, I'm not feeling it you take another it's a rookie mistake, dude I hopped on the treadmill and I was playing fucking like till I collapse my M&M And I just I was like dude, I gotta go
Starting point is 00:05:23 Dude I fucking literally just dipped I told my buddy I was like I'm out man like I can't do this because like dude my head was like legit like I was like convulsing on the treadmill. I took I used to work third shift at Best Buy and in the same shopping center they had a retro fitness so I would literally work all night and then just slam caffeine and then go straight to the gym after like, at like 6 a.m. or whatever. And they used to sell this, they used to sell this supplement, it was called BSN Rush. And it came in these cans, dude, and I used to drink it
Starting point is 00:05:56 and it was like nothing I ever felt before in my entire life. Like coffee, like to this day, like coffee, like any pre-workout, cause I like fucked the C4 and like some other stuff. And whatever was in this this was like I'm gonna tear the walls off this place Yeah, but only lasted for like 20 minutes So I'd have like the most insane first 20 minutes of my workout and then just slowly crash And then I tried to buy it like years later and I looked it up and it was like banned for like Sending people to the hospital and shit. Yeah
Starting point is 00:06:22 Which I mean it didn't even send me to I ate gummy bears and it fucked me up and said but like I would for whatever Was in that like there's there's been like two supplements that I've taken in the past and then be like whatever happened that and look It up and it's just banned. Yeah, that's happened to us Happened with like some I think it was like bucked up. I think it's back Yeah, well, they always bring it back and then they make it shitty Yeah, like what used to make it awesome is now they took it out of it. Like Jack 3D. Like fucking you talk to people in the gym,
Starting point is 00:06:49 all the old heads, they're like, oh yeah. I miss their old formula. Because anytime they put a new formula in their shit, it just means we took out all the stuff that made it dangerous and cool. Yeah, I feel like you could probably find some of that stuff on the black market though, do you just toss it in there? I've been looking for, dude,
Starting point is 00:07:04 I found like a supplement warehouse fucking website And I found the BSN rush cans and I ordered them. Oh shit. I was like fuck. Yeah, this is it I'm this something about the dumb about to have the best week of workouts in my life And then I got an email saying sorry, we don't sell that anymore I guess I just forgot to update their website and I was like damn it fuck man Yeah, and then I tried and then they sold the powdered version and I was like Okay, maybe this is the same. It's not the same. It just gave me diarrhea. I was like alright well I can't win yeah one of them gave me a I like borderline shit my pants. I forgot which one
Starting point is 00:07:34 It's called it's like they're all the same dude. It's like bomb squad fucking no explode Yeah, that's actually what it was was it it was no explode I got it from dick sporting goods, and I fucking exploded dude That's the biggest shit of my life that makes sense cuz I used to take that that was just a total guess But I used to take that and have to shit Yeah, I would do like two reps of squats and be like alright Well, I gotta poop now and we just ruin my workout because it kills your momentum Oh, dude if you take a shit during a workout. It's over man, especially when it's not a clean wipe
Starting point is 00:08:02 Yeah there for like days you can like feel it. Yeah, My buddy says it's like wiping a marker. Yeah. That's what he says. You're basically just giving up at that point. I don't even like, uh, I'll just give like, I'll just fucking like fight through it if I have to shit at the gym. Yeah. You know, I'll fucking shit my pants. There's one time I got to the gym and the men's restroom was closed because for like maintenance. Yeah. And I was like, I have to the gym and the men's restroom was closed because for like maintenance Yeah, and I was like I have to shit and they're like there's nothing we can do and it was before I had long hair So I couldn't like even sneak into the women's restroom, which I've done a couple of times recently. Like I was yeah I yeah, I got my car fixed at a Toyota. I was getting like in car fix I was getting an oil change cuz I'm a pussy
Starting point is 00:08:40 I don't know how to do that And I was getting the men they had like the men's restroom had one stall and I had to shit so bad and there was like somebody in there and I could see like they're like Kane leaning against so I knew they're gonna be in there for a while because it's just like senior citizen taking a shit so I like walked into the women's restroom kind of peeked in make sure nobody was in there and just like held my head down and then but while I was taking a shit like like another woman came in to like also do whatever so I'm just trying to like shit Like I'm trying to make my shit sound like women shit. I'm like
Starting point is 00:09:11 Like trying to like I'm like I'm like sniffling like I'm like trying to make like female sounds I even like I pulled my shorts up so that you could because I have like really hairy legs and like a bunch of like tattoos I didn't want her to like peek and be like is this fucking dude taking the shit next to me so and then I had to wait for her to leave before I could leave obviously yeah and then as I was walking out of the restroom another woman was walking in I just kind of like put my head down at first glance like if they're just if they just see me like brush by like oh that was a lady yeah there's been a couple of times where were you like you were in Philly no well this was in the suburbs.
Starting point is 00:09:46 I was in Glen Mills, Pennsylvania. Oh shit, so they're like definitely not accepting of like trans. Oh yeah, no in Philly I could pull my dick out while I walked in the ladies restroom. They'd be like come on in. Oh for real? No, but that would probably, I don't know. I've never tried. I'm about to take a road trip dude. I've never tried it, you know. It might work, I don't know. I'm about to take a road trip, dude. I've never tried it, you know? It probably might work, I don't know. Hit up the Toyota dealership, do you look for like a lease? I always say my thing, it's like,
Starting point is 00:10:14 like I've used women's restrooms before and it's like, what are they gonna do? Call my bluff. Like say something. Yeah, just say you're like a fucking retarded lesbian or something. Yeah, nobody wants to get canceled. Yeah, exactly. So what do you mean I'm not a lady. Yeah, that is wild man
Starting point is 00:10:27 Like I could go into a woman's bathroom just start jerking off and just tell everyone I'm a woman probably I mean it can work I try it Try it out. There's only one way to find out Yeah on today's episode of jackass Yeah, man, I yeah, I didn't know that they were... How do you feel about, like, are they accepting of shit, like, where you're from? Like, have they kind of welcomed people with open arms, or are they kind of just still throwing haymakers? Oh, I mean, I grew up in the suburbs my whole life,
Starting point is 00:11:00 but, like, I feel like Philly is very, you know, accepting of people. One time I try to use like my first like month into comedy I was at this bar and I try to go into it was literally just a single-use bathroom And I try to walk in there There's like they hit the men's restroom the women's restroom And they had a single-use restroom which I always pick when I have to shit cuz I'm like I can shit in peace Yeah, and I walked in there and then this person stopped me as I was walking in and they said,
Starting point is 00:11:28 sorry, this is the non-binary bathroom. Like as they were walking out of it. Wow. And I was like, oh, okay. And I was like, I guess I'll just go shit. And I had to go poop awkwardly in the men's restroom while another dude next to me was like vomiting. So it was like just the worst.
Starting point is 00:11:42 But like, no, I think, I don't know. Yeah, Philly's very I feel like accepting or open or whatever you want to call it about that kind of stuff but like The suburbs like I don't know where I the area where I live directly like there's like Trump flags in front of like every house Yeah, it's very weird like I like you drive 30 minutes into the city and it's like Very like left-wing and then my neighborhood and like the adjacent neighborhoods it's all like fucking bald eagles and
Starting point is 00:12:10 Trump flags I do like like literally like like a fucking Pole in somebody's front yard waving a Trump flag like not shit. It's crazy. It sounds like a great place Pretty sick. It's um, all my neighbors are cool Well, just like do the whole trans thing man. It's honestly pretty sick. It's um all my neighbors are cool, none of them suck. Well just like do the whole uh trans thing man it's like I feel like there's a lot of people out there who like want to use their imagination too man you know like it's like a big daddy movie or something like that like big dad yeah like I'm trying to fucking be scuba steve or some shit. Is that your analogy for it? Yeah dude I feel like I should be able to like dress how I want if that's the case but they're just mad judgmental. Like you're gonna talk shit about my fucking polo
Starting point is 00:12:50 when you have like six dicks? Six is a crowd if you ask me. I think it's a crowd. I think two dicks maximum. Whole army of dicks man. I tried a joke on stage before I could never make it work where I talked about, well I tried it like once and it didn't work so I was like fuck to joke on stage before I could never make it work I talked about well, I tried it like once and didn't work So I was like fuck this joke, but I used to talk about like I like to watch Old episodes of cops like reruns and you can always tell how old the episode is By like just like the cops how the cops behave like there's a man in a dress and they call him sir Yeah, and it's like this good cops trying to get fucking canceled. Look like it wouldn't fly today You know, you know what? No change. Yeah, there's no way you can't if you see a man in dress
Starting point is 00:13:29 You'd be like, oh fuck. Yeah. I feel like we're in a dress would feel kind of good though Oh, yeah for sure think about it a lot one time. I dude ladies clothes for like this is gonna sound super gay It's cuz it is I wore my my wife's leggings once Once and I was like, oh, these are my leggings now. So first of all, I wore them to and I wore them to the gym because I just had like no laundry and I thought these were my, at first I saw like black, I was like, these are my sweatpants because I have black sweatpants and I put them on and as I was putting them on, I was like, oh, these aren't mine but like they felt like the silk felt, I was like, these kind of feel good and I put it, I put
Starting point is 00:14:04 it, I'm like, let me pull them all the way up and dude my fucking Like legs never looked so good for real. Yeah, they looked sick, and I showed my wife. I was like oh my god Look at my legs. He's looking she's like yeah. Why do you think we wear them? I was like damn you're right. I was like I'm I'm you keep them you put them in the in the drawer Oh, we share them now. It's like we fight over them. I'm like are you wearing my leggings? Yeah, and she's like they're mine. I'm like, are you wearing my leggings? Yeah. And she's like, they're mine. And I was like, well, it's leg day.
Starting point is 00:14:27 I have to go squat. Fuckin' show off to the boys. Yeah, dude, I wore my mom's tights to a boys and girls basketball game, dude. When I was like 14, 15, dude. Put up like a triple double. Did you really? And then there was like five minutes left in the game, dude.
Starting point is 00:14:42 And they were full court pressing, dude. And dude, I get the ball passed to me. Shoot a three pointer in the game dude and they were full court pressing dude and dude I get the ball passed to me shoot a three-pointer in the other team's hoop. Well it's because you were wearing women's pants. Of course you're not gonna be good at sports. What were you thinking? Dude they had never seen anything like it. Like not only like the tights but just that like shooting in the other like in the opponent's hoop Like do they they called like a timeout? And my fucking coach didn't say anything to me. Just put me on the bench. I was like bro. I'm putting up
Starting point is 00:15:15 fucking Triple dubs out there dude this guy yeah, they're like he has problems Yeah, I remember my sister's friend being there dude, and she had fucking huge tits. Mm-hmm. So I was like all amped up I was like when we get back to the house from getting some finger action When you're a kid you just have those like you're like, yeah No, I could definitely I could definitely make that happen. Like I had I had like a Like one of my mom's friends who like no one of my sister's older friends used to like babysit me and so sister so there's
Starting point is 00:15:49 16 year age gap between me and my sister by the time I was like Whatever like 10 so I guess like she was like 30 like her friend was like 30 whatever So I was like I got this is it easy and she was like I remember one time she had to For whatever reason like she was babysitting me at her house. Like she was like, I remember one time she had to, for whatever reason, she was babysitting me at her house. She was like, yeah, bring Rob over, I'll watch him. I was like, this is it, she's gonna fuck me, obviously. And I remember she was giving me the tour of her house and I was like, and where's your bedroom?
Starting point is 00:16:19 And she was like, gave me this weird look. She knew I was trying to shoot my shot and she was like, it's upstairs, but don't worry about it. And I was like she knew I was like trying to like shoot my shot and she was like it's upstairs But don't worry about it. I was like, okay It was like all my hopes and dreams just came crashing down. You were already watching like bang bus and shit at this time Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah for sure. Well, no, it was I guess I was 10 Trying to think I'm like, yeah, I can't remember the first time I jerked off probably around that age I remember how I learned how to jerk off really. Yeah, it was
Starting point is 00:16:45 the movie, scary movie. Like one of the first ones? Yeah, one of the first ones. Whatever one where Anna Faris is like jerking him off, he's like, he gets caught in like the freezer and he's like, oh, I need you, I'm going to die if you don't warm me up. And she's like rubbing his chest, like trying to keep him warm. He's like, no no lower and then she starts like jerking him off like clearly and I'm like, what's she doing? And I was like, what does that do? Because he was clearly enjoying it and then I started doing it I was like, okay. Well, this is gonna occupy the next 15 years of my life It isn't it wild though, man Like I feel like I've been inconsistent with everything in my life besides jerking off. Mm-hmm
Starting point is 00:17:24 Like I've never been like, no, I'm not going to jerk off. It's just, it's so easy. And you can just do it. I'm just so consistent with it. It's like, it's such a, it's like if you had heroin all the time. Yeah. But it's like a hobby. Yeah. It's not even like, it's like going to the gym, but it's like, I'm jerking off.
Starting point is 00:17:41 You're like, you're never like, nah, man, I'm going to take today off. Yeah. Like, no Like not today. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy man. Like it's not like I'm not trying to be like a hack like Artist but like it's like it's true, man Always spanking like never stop. I I'm with you. I think I Think I'm trying to think of like if like masturbation was like a drug I truly do think I would be that guy like under a highway overpass like being like Come on, man. I got you next week like you know yeah We're taking off was like a like a sport you think you'd compete
Starting point is 00:18:18 It's like what are the I guess what are the? Hmm, bro. What a bro question also. So, like, Tergenolf is a sport, would you compete? Like, how long I could do it without- Well, you'd have to like make, you'd have to qualify. Oh, yeah. I don't know what the setup would be. I feel like maybe just like, you in a room,
Starting point is 00:18:38 they like, they choose the porno. Oh, they choose the porno? And you just gotta shred it. Oh, I could, I think I could just kind of like make Like I have to watch it obviously, but I think I could just kind of like defocus my eyes Yeah, and just kind of imagine what I want Like I can like I can look at something is kind of unfocused and then just everything becomes blurry Wow You can really lock in mm-hmm like you're like if I do it right now like you're blurry Wow
Starting point is 00:19:01 Yeah, look at me think about like Lisa and yeah. Yeah Yeah, that's crazy. In fact actually you looking pretty good in that shirt. You might have a gift I would not be like dude. I can't even piss next to a dude without coming really That's why I don't use urinals I'm like this guy next to me is coming Yeah, no, I just feel like they would have different events though Like you know in track they have like the 400 800 and so on so forth I feel like you'd have like a time jerk-off mm-hmm And then there would be one where it's like how much cum can you produce? Oh, I could I'd crush it at that for real
Starting point is 00:19:38 Yeah, but I'd have to like I would have to like train like an athlete like I'd have to take like supplements and shit Would you train though cuz I feel like you kind of have to not train to shoot you just got a rope Yeah, yeah, that's all you gotta do. You see you have to jerk off and not come which is like which is like the like the fucking hardest That's like I the tiger shit right there not busting but like you have to take I used to take supplements so like I think I've talked about this before another podcast too, but like Like me and my wife, my now wife, we were dating long distance kind of. She went to college two hours away from me.
Starting point is 00:20:13 So I would really only ever see her on the weekends because her weekdays she was just fucking studying constantly. But I would visit her on the weekends and I wouldn't jerk off all week. And then on top of that, I would take a bunch of supplements that would make me cum more. So I take like zinc. There's a bunch of shit you can take like lecithin, horny goat weed. And then you take-
Starting point is 00:20:32 This is all from Mother Nature? This is like genetically modified shit? You go to vitamin shops, get it over the counter. Just truly vitamins, yeah. And I used to take all that shit and then not jerk off. And if you do all that and you stay hydrated, you come like crazy. So I would just pull up, be like, hey, what's up? So when are we gonna fuck? And she'd be like, ah! She's like, what the fuck is?
Starting point is 00:20:52 Oh shit, you gotta really time it though, right? Yeah, you have to like. That's the toughest part, man. Because you can't be hard for too long, you know? Yeah, it became a problem. I would show up in her room, like her, she had like dorm mates or whatever. And I'd like hey where you guys you guys gonna go get lunch or something And they'd be like oh like now I'm like yeah now
Starting point is 00:21:13 Oh, you guys kind of cock blocking you a little bit not really they were cool like they were just looking chicks. Yeah Yeah, they were really they're really nice. She had really nice friends. Yeah, really sweet friends One of them walked in on us while we were having sex Like thankfully I wasn't doing any like weird shit But like it was just we were like it's probably we were fucking like literal like grandparents like I would like blanket over top Yeah, it was probably like honestly like the best-case scenario for somebody walking in on me Yeah, but I remember I was just like mid-thrust and I just saw her friend out the corner of my eye grabbing a backpack and her being like, I'm so sorry. Oh wow.
Starting point is 00:21:49 And then backing out. Yeah, that's a nightmare. What would the ultimate nightmare be for you? Like what position? Like 69 maybe? Yeah, because that would just be like, that would probably be like pretty rough. 69 would be, because I'm not, it definitely would be my best angle. Just would be because I'm not it definitely be my best angle just like her on top of me me on top of her my gut. Have like a borderline heart attack dude. Yeah like it'd be like eating gummy bears all over again I'd have to fucking. I tried a standing 69 once when I was in high school
Starting point is 00:22:18 with this chick and she fucking took out my ceiling fan. Like, literally broke the glass. Who was holding who? She was holding me, dude. Yeah. Yeah, dude, fucking... You were wearing fucking leggings? Yeah, Aerosmith was playing in the background, dude. I was like, take me fucking home.
Starting point is 00:22:39 Have you ever had anybody walk in on you during sex? I'm trying to think, man. Usually I'm kind of in the middle of it. Yeah, you know I had a black roommate dude. His cock was probably like huge dude and Was probably or he was a chill dude, man You know, I was always kind of like chill with him like I'd dap him up and shit. Mm-hmm You sound like you sound like somebody who's racist trying to convince me they're not racist. I had a black roommate, he was honestly like great cock. I would daff him up, it didn't even bother me he was black. Like he was really honestly a chill guy.
Starting point is 00:23:11 Yeah, I'm like dude I have a bunch of black friends. All of them have great penises. Yeah. No, but dude he was like, we kind of like talk about fucking Wiz Khalifa and shit. It's getting worse and worse. He was like, uh, we kind of like talk about fucking Wiz Khalifa and shit It's getting worse and worse Sounds like something somebody you made up. Yeah. No, he was chill man. I caught you saying a slur and you're trying to be like No, no, no, dude. I had this roommate. We had a big black dick. I mean dude. I dropped one n-bomb out the window I didn't know he was outside
Starting point is 00:23:41 So anyway, I'm sorry to interrupt your story. You have a black roommate who's totally real. And what. He was talking about, there was a chick across the way, dude. And she was black. She had some fucking steamers, dude. Yeah. Straight up fucking tits, bro. And I thought she was hot, man.
Starting point is 00:24:00 But he was always talking shit about her. He was like, yeah, I would never, that chick's trying to fuck me, dude. I would never fuck her. And then one night, dude, I'm fucking like literally like dead asleep and he comes in with her bro and just like Starts like banging her. Yeah behind me My bro, I'm here. I'm right fucking here dude. What a shame. I know dude. Just like, you know, I thought we were boys, man
Starting point is 00:24:24 I thought he would at least give me like a warning shot, you know, dude. So I went to the bathroom and I just like sat on the toilet, dude. And like some dude was like jerking off next to me. And there was just like there was nowhere for me to go, man. I was just some guy was jacking off next to you. Yeah, bro. I think like a lot of dudes like went to the B room, including myself, man, to just jerk off. I tried doing the whole Doritos thing once.
Starting point is 00:24:44 What's the Doritos thing? It's where you're like jerking off and you like crunch Doritos. So that they can't hear you? Yeah, and I'm like, dude, this is a waste of Doritos and everyone knows I'm jerking off. Like everyone knew what was going down. That's so funny.
Starting point is 00:24:59 You're just fucking masturbating constantly like, damn, he really fucking loves Doritos. It's impossible, man, because I'm like aggressively jerking off. And then when you're eating Doritos you got to be like I'm not jerking off. Yeah dude. They were just like yeah man like you're really going to town on those Doritos man like you know. So is this.
Starting point is 00:25:14 Ever since I just started in college I would go to the B room just spank one out. Yeah. Did a few times. I would do in the shower sometimes man but I went to a weird school man like the security wasn't great so So people just kind of like sneak on campus You know like one time I was jerking off in the shower, dude And there was a couple next to me just like banging and the dude who was like banging this chick didn't even go to Like our school. He's like a 40 year old man. That's what I'm trying to like You know, but did it help or was it like I can't say I did I wish it did man
Starting point is 00:25:45 Yeah, it's like this is my life man. That's what I was thinking. I was like, this is uh, this is it man Yeah, this is what we're working with. Is that like is that like the craziest place you've jacked it Was it like I think I jerked off in my aunt's pool once. Okay, I tried to I couldn't pull it off though I was kind of bored man. I was like, you know, how old were you? Was this like yesterday like four weeks ago? This is during a it was actually like on Christmas The kind of go out the pool real quick. I need some alone time. They go ice bathed it well I used to When I worked security I used to like a lot of the jobs I used to work with third ship, but I worked
Starting point is 00:26:24 Third shift security at a hospital and they had a single, they had like a bat. My office had its like own bathroom. So I would just, and I was the only one that was one officer on duty for the whole hospital. So I would just, just crank it. Almost every, yeah. In uniform. Oh yeah. Oh man. Where would you be? Where'd you be shooting it? Just like into the toilet Yeah, yeah, I would find a patient standing up shooting it in the toilet. Yeah. Wow, man. That's how I do it today You're getting this bro. Well, it's just I don't like my like, I don't know. I just feel weird coming into a tissue I feel like yeah now I have this thing I have to throw out. Well, no, dude. I just rip them on my shirts
Starting point is 00:27:03 Oh really? Yeah. And you gotta wash your shirt. But I just feel like the lady at the laundromat like doesn't respect me, dude. Dude, her name's Anal. No joke, her name's A-N-A-L-E. And I have to like send her fucking like Venmos for my laundry.
Starting point is 00:27:18 And yeah, dude, whenever I go over there, she always gives me like a disgusting look because I think she knows. Her name is Anal. And she's giving you a disgusting look because I think she knows her name is anal She's giving you disgusting. I know dude. That's what I'm saying, dude Like she's just upset that like all my shirts have like come on them and it's like her daughter works there And I just found that out. Mm-hmm. She was like talking about her kids going to college and I was like, oh you have kids And she's like, yeah, like my daughter works here. Oh, that sucks. And I'm sure yeah, your daughter's probably seen my shirts
Starting point is 00:27:44 You know, it's crazy. You should like be like, well, here And I'm sure yeah, your daughter's probably seen my shirts, you know, it's crazy You should like be like well, here's my number give it to your daughter Obviously, she knows I'm well. I already have her number dude. I'm saying I'm actually senator Zell payments Oh, that's not even Venmo. It's Zell. Yes. That's fucking you have to fuck her now Yeah, her daughter's beautiful dude. Yeah, beautiful woman What's her name? I don't know. I gotta find out there's anal. This is this is my daughter boots sex Worst fucking joke over made Yeah, but yeah man jerking off is like I feel like it's all we talk about is men. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:28:19 Mm-hmm like so easy. Yeah, like I'll think about like I'll be like dude You got really got a prep for this podcast and then it'll start and I'll be like dude Like what are you working with man? Like, you know, yeah, she's always jerking off. Yeah never It's never something serious. It's easiest thing For me for men to its easiest thing to do like I find myself getting distracted where it's like anytime I sit down try to do something productive. I like scroll through Instagram for lovely I'll just let me check Instagram real quick and there's just anything I'm just like oh Something like that reminds me like I'll see like a hot chick or something
Starting point is 00:28:51 I'll be like oh, that's right I can jerk off and I'll just like drop what I'm doing go jerk off and then now I'm tired and I'm like I don't fucking feel like doing crazy man. You have a wife too. Like yeah, well she were I mean she works night shift Uh-huh. And so like if she goes to work she works like seven to seven So if she goes to work at seven, I'm like we didn't fuck or anything and then like it's like 830 I'm like trying to like get some clips done or something on the computer. It all takes is just one like Like thought of like anything and for my dick to be like, huh? Yeah. Oh Let's fucking let's do this, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:25 Yeah, I think about being like a mature adult sometimes, man, I'm like, you gotta read a book, maybe like have a mature conversation and then I just fucking watch like a BangBuzz video and like go on Xbox and just start saying like random shit and I'm like, dude, you're gonna fucking die alone. Well now, dude, now they're trying to like ban porn in places like I think Florida this year or next year or something, like you're just not
Starting point is 00:29:46 going to be able to go on Pornhub. Yeah. Shit like that. Like I'm doing, I was in Virginia. Um, I think I opened up, like I tried to open up like Pornhub or some shit. And it was like, you have to log in to verify your age and all this bullshit. Like you have different laws in different States. Like when, like when I was a kid, back in my day, you just said, it just said, are you 18? You laws in different states uh-huh like when like when I was a kid back in my day you just said it just
Starting point is 00:30:06 said are you 18 you'd be like uh-huh yeah yeah I don't think there's any kid who saw that and was like fuck they got me damn yeah man I remember having like a Dell computer that my family bought I thought you're gonna talk about like the singer oh no no she's good-looking though mm-hmm That's what I thought we were talking about jerking off. I thought that's where you're going. I mean, we can get after that next if you want. Yeah, my family purchased like a $1,000 Dell computer. And like I grew up poor, dude, so it was like a big deal, man.
Starting point is 00:30:35 Yeah. You know, everyone was trying to get on that thing. Did you give it like super aids? Dude, I would literally go on Google search and just be like, fat fucking titties. Yeah. Yeah. Just like shit getting railed. Google search and just be like fat fucking titties Yeah, just like shit getting real like every day just typing like whatever I wanted to watch
Starting point is 00:30:58 You know one time my my mom like I was always good about deleting the browser history Yeah, one time she found some shit. I guess my dad was looking up. Yeah, and I like she was like what is this and I was like I don't know what is it cuz I'm not like looking this shit up it was like fucking like sexy maids or something I was like I tried I was working like a bit about it on stage where like my mom's like what does this mean huh I was like I don't know it means you guys start cleaning up more it's like dad's clearly in the chicks who are like cleaning up the house and stuff yeah but yeah I remember just being like that's not me and my
Starting point is 00:31:28 dad's like well it's not me I was like yeah well it's gotta be one of us yeah damn I'm like I had to tell my dad you gotta get your shit together dude you're gonna be looking this shit up you gotta learn how to fucking delete your browser history dude my dad worked a RIP dude worked with fucking special needs kids your dad's dead too? Yeah nice Yeah, damn dude super dad. Of course. We're two losers doing a podcast My dad was alive I'd probably like be like looking at like stock analytics or something right? Yeah I'd probably be fucking hedging bets and shit. Yeah hedging the market. Mm-hmm. Probably have like a Roth IRA Instead of yeah, when your dad's dead,
Starting point is 00:32:06 it's just like two guys like, what's up, man? You depressed too? Yeah, I'm sad. Alright, cool, let's do this podcast. That's the good one is, I got this new coffee machine. It kind of honestly makes me more sad. Do you want some? Just people coming up to you every day and being like, don't look so happy, man. And you're just like, whatever, whatever dude fuck me
Starting point is 00:32:27 But yeah, dude, he worked with a special needs fucking adults, bro Oh really you would like bring him over the house and shit But uh, dude when we got that Dell computer, bro I was just typing in like fat fucking tits like cream pie and orgy and Dude, it like the computer fucking completely crashed. Mm-hmm crashed and my dad fucking brought it into work Oh, man Gave it to a guy to fix it like three separate times and on the third time I remember him just being like listen like this is the last time like I can't keep bringing it in
Starting point is 00:32:57 Yeah, but all I could think about was like this guy like as I get older I was like that guy probably looked at the history and was just like Once I got an iPod touch Like one of the og like iPod touches that had like Wi-Fi and shit. I just mean like the touchscreen Oh, yeah Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was, that's all I needed. The upgrade from like the Nano to the uh. Yeah, well it was like the iPhone and then they had like the same thing but just an iPod, like the same like full screen. I remember that dude.
Starting point is 00:33:33 And everything. Yeah. And once I had that, my family's computer was safe. Yeah. Cause it was just me in my room like under my blankets just like Googling like Lisa Ann. You're a big Lisa Ann guy. She's the one with big tits. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:44 Yeah, she's the one with big tits. Oh, yeah Yeah, she's the the one with big tits. Yeah. No. Yeah, I remember I remember I used to watch Katie Morgan she used to do real sex on HBO. Oh HBO after dark. Yeah, she's like she used to give like no sex ed Yeah, she would like give like sex ed but like slutty like porn star style Yeah, she would be like that's where I learned where the clitoris is for Katie Morgan. Yeah. Yeah, she was like, here's where the clitoris is Here's how you make a girl come whatever and I remember I wasn't getting any pussy. Yeah, my buddy was like, yeah, dude I'm with this girl. Like I don't know. I was like, well, did you Stimulate her clitoris and he's like what I was like, dude
Starting point is 00:34:21 This is where I had to like draw him a map and be like that's where it is And then he came back to school the next day and was like dude it worked and I was like dude, this is where I had to like draw him a map and be like that's where it is And then he came back to school the next day. It was like dude it worked and I was like I know I watched a lot of porn But I remember seeing watching Katie Morgan do like sex ed on HBO and shit. She's a legend, bro Yeah, she's awesome. And then I was like, I wonder she's done anything else I remember googling her and this is before I ever like really like watch like hardcore porn at all I remember googling her and just seeing like the thumbnails of her like just sucking dick and getting railed and was like
Starting point is 00:34:51 Like a whole like I'm beating I used to beat off to her just talking about sex when she had real tits or when she Had fake that's when she had fake tits. I think her fake tits are better than a real tits I can't get on board with that man. They look great I think hers like I always something about fake tits man, it just like fucks me up. Yeah. And then I look at like videos of them when they when they had real tits and I'm like dude this is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. I could take it either way. Yeah I just feel like the OGs man, it's like don't get fake tits like just be yourself. Like a washed up. Put that on my grave. Don't get fake tits, be yourself. I gotta write a few emails man but it's just like I'd rather see some washed up. Put that on my grave. Don't get fake tits, be yourself. I gotta write a few emails, man,
Starting point is 00:35:25 but it's just like, I'd rather see some washed up titties that are all natural, that have like, been through the wringer than some fucking, silicone fucking titties, bro. Yeah. I don't know what it is, man. You can just tell they're like, you know, your tits can't like, defy gravity like that, dude.
Starting point is 00:35:42 I see them and I'm just like, nice. Really? Yeah. I just go into full like dude brain. You think you'd feel the same way though? Oh no, I think that would be like like watching like the behind the scenes of a movie. It's like this isn't, Forrest Gump didn't actually meet JFK.
Starting point is 00:35:57 That's what it would feel like. No, I feel you dude. Yeah, but from a distance just it'd be like nice. Yeah, I mean at the end of the day man, tits are awesome, like they're like one of the only things like really getting Me through life right now. Yeah, so I can't like disrespect them I'm just saying like it doesn't get me going like a saggy pair of fucking utters. Yeah, I know I'll do it for you more Yeah, I just feel like I'm looking at history man history. Yeah, those titties have a story
Starting point is 00:36:21 Yeah, I'm just thinking about like all the past experiences like those titties have been through but when you see like a refurbished pair of titties, it's like, why are you cheating the system? Well, you know what it is. Maybe it's just when I watch porn, I'm okay with it. But I went to the one time I went to a strip club, like this stripper was like trying to get me to like play with their tits. Yeah. And they were, they're obviously fake. And they kind of turned me off cuz I was like I Don't really want to touch these cuz I watched my buddy play with them He just did like a full long he squeezed it like it was like yeah, just like a fucking Balloon it's just like it's like boop like that and I watched it like squeeze and then come back just like perfectly
Starting point is 00:36:57 It was like really kind of freaked me out I was like so I guess maybe if I ever had to like touch a fake titty it would bother me Yeah, but just seeing them I can at least trick my brain to being like well. This is obviously maybe I'll just maybe she's like a Maybe it's me man Maybe I just need to give him more of a chance. You got problems You see a therapist if you hate fake tips something anything that's fake man. It just gets me upset. You know yeah I'm seeing something's real dude. You know what you ever you ever look up like AI porn and shit like that?
Starting point is 00:37:25 No, dude, I used to like, I used to go on this site, it's called like X Movies For You, and it's like a Soviet Union site, and I just feel like someday like fucking like Russian soldiers are just gonna like break down the door and just start blind firing in my apartment, dude. It's you, so you don't, so wait, you jerk off to Soviet Union porn?
Starting point is 00:37:42 It's like one of those porn sites where it has like everything Brazzers like okay, but you have to like maneuver through the ads and the pop-ups Like pop-ups will show up of like I have like 500 tabs open on my phone now Yeah, you gotta close out of them Then you have to go back and like keep going back until it finally lets you final lets you in all right fine Most people give up though man. Yeah, you can't you have to stick with it because like a screen will like pop up. It's like we know what you did last summer I've seen some do I've had some shit pop up where it's like your phone is going to explode in one minute
Starting point is 00:38:17 If you do not press this button, I'm like nah Like shit like that or like I had one where it's like the FBI knows where you are and I'm like, yeah Yeah, I want to see tits though. It's literally like we're gonna kill your whole fucking family and I'm just like dude fuck off I don't care trying to see some titties Yeah, I'll go through the ringer just to see like a legit, you know Certified Brazzers video. Mm-hmm. Like dude, I'll give you my social. I'm gonna give a fuck dude. I got nothing to hide I remember one time I was on this internet forum and when I was like a Young lad and somebody was like there was somebody was like a random question
Starting point is 00:38:53 I think I just googled like brassers email and password yeah, and so it was some forum somebody was like Like it somebody was also asking the same question And then one of the comments was like yeah, I've got one here You go and it was like a browser's email and password and I tried it and it worked and I think that I downloaded like So much porn that day. I still have like some of it on my old computer Where it's just like were you working at best by do you just get like a external fucking drive? No I had I think I had a fucking like yeah no it was it was one of those no I saved it I just saved it straight to my hard drive my like my I
Starting point is 00:39:29 had like a laptop mad space dude yeah I had like a laptop and my mom would be like I had like a hidden folder for it cuz I think my mom would still use it she'd be like why do we have no space I'd be like I don't know that's so weird there's like like 300 gigabytes of just like of just like 4k porn. Yeah Legendary porn. Yeah, Brad is knows how to do it. She's gonna piss dude. Oh, yeah, take your time Do whatever you got do I don't want to hold it do because I know I'd be thinking about it Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? That's just not a good feeling man. Oh, yeah, it's also I think if you hold your piss it makes it like gives you like problems like boners in the future
Starting point is 00:40:07 Yeah, man. I don't have that problem. But yeah, is your is your wife like she like foreign? Yeah, how'd you guess I just like I just kind of guess man. Yeah, you look like you have a foreign wife Yeah, yeah, she's Filipina for real. Mm-hmm. That's fucking sick. She said well, she's half Filipina and then half whatever Yeah, her white father is that's pretty sick. Yeah. Yeah Filipina and then half whatever her white father is. That's pretty sick, man. Yeah, I'm not really like a judgmental guy, dude, but I feel like I have a lot of emotional intelligence, man. And you just look like one of those guys, bro, that I feel like you experienced some shit in your past, man. You know? You kind of look like you blew up an oil rig or something.
Starting point is 00:40:42 I feel like I'm getting my palm read. This is crazy. And now you're just trying to get away, dude. Yeah, instead of, it's there will be come. Yeah, like you like blew up like an oil rig and now you're like married with a foreign wife and like you found comedy and like everything's all good, but that's just how I feel, man. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, except the, except instead of blowing up the oil rig, it was just,
Starting point is 00:41:03 I found somebody who would touch my wiener and I was like hell Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not as fun when you say like that Yeah, no, I thought you were gonna be like, yeah, no, I actually like shot up a fucking Denny's What the fuck is up Denny's? Like grew your hair out after that yeah disguise myself. Yeah, I know do one time I when I like had like when I first made a tick-tock I I fucking like Almost got like canceled like super bad
Starting point is 00:41:41 like before I even started doing stand-up really and I and then I grew immediately like Changed the name of my tick-tock and grew my hair out shit and I was like that. What'd you do? So I mean I made a really shitty joke I'm half kidding about like like actually like doing that to avoid getting canceled I made this like shitty tick-tock where like this like this like girls on tick-tock complaining It's like men are literally worthless like name one thing a man is good for and I went on this rant and I was like, well, let's see using an app designed by a man on a phone created by a man connected to wi-fi that we also invented. Yeah. And then I and the next and I could have left it at that but I was like, hey, I like the
Starting point is 00:42:20 I'd like I had a green screen. I was like women made retractable dog collars, so that's cool. And then half the comments were bros being like, yeah, that's right. And then the other half of the comments were women finding my wife's, I got docs. They found my wife's name, they found my sister's Facebooks and they were sending them links to my TikTok being like, just so you know, your brother's a misogynist.
Starting point is 00:42:46 This is before you were married? This is, uh, no, yeah, this is before I was married. This is when I was engaged. Oh shit. They were like sending my wife shit and she was like, my wife's like obviously cool. She's, but she's like, what are all these fucking losers doing in my DMs? Because I made some silly video. Cause it was just me. Not even that bad. Yeah, no, it was just me firing back at some girl
Starting point is 00:43:05 being like, men are useless. And I was just making a shitty joke about it. And it got, but it got like, it was my first video that ever went viral. Got like 500,000 views or something. And this was like when TikTok, like not everybody was on it. So I was like, oh hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:19 And I went from like, I got like 10,000 followers and it was just all just like misogynist dudes. But then the other half was just like women just trying to cancel me immediately. Damn dude. Did it like affect your relationship at all or no? No, not really. And my wife didn't care at all.
Starting point is 00:43:35 She was like- Those are mad chill, man. Her mom is awesome. Well, her mom lives with us. So, but like she's just like constantly making food. Like every time I come home, she's like making ribs or like making eggs or whatever. Yeah, it's like your wife is like fully aware that you're retarded, right? Yeah, she's uh Yeah, some people would call her my caretaker
Starting point is 00:43:59 But um things are getting pretty serious between me and her cuz that's what I that's what I need to find man I don't know if I need to go Filipino hunting. Oh you got to. Where should I go man? Just like a fucking... Where do they hang out? Jollibee. For real? Yeah dude Jollibee. If you're like serious go to Jollibee.
Starting point is 00:44:16 I don't even know what that is. You don't know what Jollibee is? There's one in New York. It's like a Filipino fast food joint. Oh shit. You go there. That's where they hang out. Fuck man I gotta roll through dude. That's like their Daveina fast-food joint. Oh shit. You go there. That's that's where they hang out fuck man I gotta roll through that's like that's like they're Dave and Buster's That's that's what you find like if they're like, where can we find a sweaty retarded guy? Yeah, that's where they'd go to find us
Starting point is 00:44:33 Oh, man, I gotta show up dude be like yo, I'm fucking retarded They just immediately fall in love with you. Yeah. What's up ladies? You want to marry a fucking retard? That's uh... Dude, I knew I- my wife like we met in high school and like as soon as she started texting me back I was like this there's something special about this one.
Starting point is 00:45:02 Oh, you've known her since high school? Yeah, we've been dating since like I was 18 and she was something special about this one. Oh, you've known her since high school? Yeah, we've been dating since like, I was 18 and she was 17. Damn, bro. And she was like, I just remember like, it was at the point where, it was before like dating apps were a thing or whatever, so like I was just constantly like striking out with just like my buddies trying to set me up
Starting point is 00:45:16 with like their girlfriends, friends or whatever. And then finally, like I was like, I just kind of stopped trying, I was like, whatever. And like, you know, I don't need girls. Yeah. And then like I started texting her, I just kind of stopped trying. I was like, whatever. And like, you know, I don't need girls. And then like, I started texting her and then she would text me back. I'd be like, huh, this is new. And we just kept like actually having a conversation.
Starting point is 00:45:33 And then like, yeah, it was, I was like, all right, there's something special about this one. She knows I'm retarded, but she's still putting up with me. Sounds like a true love story, man. Yeah, I went to school for game design and she didn't dump me immediately. Fuck, man. And then I started doing comedy and she didn't she still married me which is insane that's fucking wild yeah that's literally
Starting point is 00:45:51 insane man because I dude I got to a point man where I was like about to fucking literally have sex with like chicken breasts at a supermarket yeah yeah just like absolutely rail the shit out of them. It was like the alternate ending to American Pie. Yeah, and I did I hate to bring it up, man. I ended up I had a short stint with this Asian woman about a week ago. Oh really? Yeah, man, most recent and I told her straight up I was like I'm retarded. Like I literally told her I was like I'm fucking retarded. And she didn't fall in love immediately? Dude, she liked me, but she just ended things
Starting point is 00:46:27 about a week ago. Oh no. And what kind of Asian was she? She's like 50%, Asian, 50% Korean. Oh yeah, well the Koreans, they want you to like- So I was scared every, you know. Well it's cause you don't, you're not a retard with a doctorate, that's your problem.
Starting point is 00:46:39 I know dude, but I felt something with her, man, you know? Like when you touch another woman and you get like chubbed up, like I felt that, man, but yeah, she ended things and yeah, I don't know what to with her man, you know like when you touch another woman and you get like chubbed up like I felt that man, but yeah, she ended things and Yeah, I don't know what to do man besides fucking max out on calf raises. I Don't know man, I don't want to text her and be like you're fucking gay, but you gotta go to Jollibee Yeah, dude. She ended things man and like through text. Mm-hmm. And yeah, I just I said no joke I go all good respect the decision. Fuck it. You are retarded. Yeah nothing after that. All good respect. You think she thought I was gonna be like no like. It'd be funny if she was like wow he's actually mad chill and took you back.
Starting point is 00:47:23 Is that what you were thinking might happen in your head? I just like I don't know man Like I just feel like I'm at the point bro or like if somebody doesn't fuck with me. I'm like, whatever man You know, I'm not I used to be like No fucking I'll fucking give you a fucking Blumkin. You know what I mean? Like I just like fucking chase after them, but nowadays man, I'm just like fuck it dude like, you know Yeah, it is what it is. Once you stop trying hard, I feel like that's when
Starting point is 00:47:47 everything kind of falls into place. Like I remember, before I started dating my wife, I used to like, there's one time I got flowers sent to this girl's house, but she never told me where she lived. I just like found out through like the internet, and like, and she, that kind of like freaked her out. She was like, how do you know where I live? I was like, do through like the internet and like, and she had that kind of like freaked her out. She's like, how do you know where I live? I was like, do you like, do you like the flowers? But do you like the flowers?
Starting point is 00:48:12 Flowers never work out, man. Chicks always talk about it, but dude, this chick, uh, I ended up dating like a different chick in high school and I kind of like abandoned this one chick and uh, dude, she was like, she was pretty mad at me, man. Rightfully so. Like basically what happened was like, I told this chick I liked her and she liked me.
Starting point is 00:48:31 And then I ended up going to Target with another chick. She found out. That's basically, that's like full on cheating. Yeah, she got upset, man. I ended up like literally like buying flowers, dropped them off at her house, like wrote her a note apologizing. And she was fucking fucking pissed dude, like I thought she was gonna be like, oh, it's okay But she was like, you know never talked to me again
Starting point is 00:48:53 And it's just like everything you see in the movies like I thought flowers would just kind of solve everything man What's the dumbest thing you've bought a woman? Would you say? About a woman a 42 inch TV Yeah, dude in high school. Okay Christmas and she dumped me and then I would see like snapchat stories of her with her new boyfriend Like watching like fucking the office. Oh man on that TV fuck Yeah, like give me that fucking TV back dude, you know, and there was a point where like I needed a TV too So I wanted to be like yo, can I get that back? That's the most like ultimate loser move.
Starting point is 00:49:30 I know me and my boyfriend are using it to like put on the office while we fuck. Yeah. She's getting like finger bang to the office. I'm like jerking off in the shower. One time I bought, uh, I wanted to impress this, is before I started dating my wife, obviously. I wanted her to like me and it was her birthday coming up and I knew she was into Justin Bieber. So I bought her a Justin Bieber blanket
Starting point is 00:49:54 and she was like, thanks. I was like, yeah. Where do you get a Justin Bieber blanket, man? Do you have it custom made or something? No, I went on Amazon. I looked up Justin Bieber stuff. I knew she was obsessed with Justin Bieber and I was like, I'm gonna get her a blanket. Dude, it's so hard not to get gay shit.
Starting point is 00:50:11 And dude, I fucking, I cut my finger, like, opening up the packaging to get the blanket out. And I showed up at her party with a bloody finger and a Justin Bieber blanket. And I was like, here you go. And she was like, what happened to your finger? And I didn't want to be like, I cut it opening up the gift I got you. So I was just like, I was playing basketball. Was it like a family party? No. Yeah. It was like her like family and like her family like really fucked with me. It was like one of those things where it's like, you could tell they were like trying to like, yeah, make it so like,
Starting point is 00:50:43 like they were on my side like, yeah, come on over Rob and like she just did not Funny means got hammered like you're like yo, she's on her period Fucking no one left. I was fingering under the blanket. I bought her because in my mind. I was gonna buy this blanket Yeah, this is like a barbecue you just fucking In my mind I was like I'll buy her this blanket and she'll be like wow we should like use it that was like in My brain. That's what's gonna happen. Oh, man, dude getting hammered at like family shit like that It's like the word that's like the worst for me, dude Like I would just fucking yell shit. You know, they call me mr. Fingers like
Starting point is 00:51:22 Like I would just fucking yell shit. Be like, yo, they call me Mr. Fingers. Like, dude, I got fucking blasted at my friend's grad party. And his family was like, yo, you should hang out in the back. Like, it's kind of like a, you know, like where the cool people are and shit. Dude, his mom was like a MILF and she was giving me like fucking shots of vodka. And I'm just ripping them, dude. So everyone starts dancing, dude. And I get like called out
Starting point is 00:51:45 people like yo like drop some moves or whatever. Dude I just took a bottle like Tito's vodka and like put it between my legs so like it's my cock. And I just started fucking waving it everywhere. I was so cocked I didn't know like the dog was right in front of me dude and I was just like spraying the dog with vodka. Oh my god. And it got so quiet, man. It was like, I thought there was going to be an intervention.
Starting point is 00:52:11 That's always the worst when people are like, yeah, you fucking ruin a party or whatever. I was the king of being like, yo, this is going to be sick. And then you do something you think is going to be so cool. And people are like do something you think is gonna be like so cool and people are like nah, dude It's like it's like doing the what doing the worm at like a wedding It's like everybody's either gonna be really be into it or just be like Cool, that's fucking gay. This guy's stupid. Now who's this a dirty guy? I think yeah when you uh You're still ripping the bruskies though. Yeah. Yeah for now. I mean I had like a
Starting point is 00:52:48 Moment recently where like I just like I was like maybe I should just get totally sober Like it happens to me at least like once every three months where I'm like, I need to stop I was just like I was the movie theater just ripping Golden Monkeys What's that? It's like a really high percentage beer like an IPA or something? Yeah, and they because at the movie theater you're only allowed to have like two beers at a time. They sell them there Yeah, oh shit. Well, well the re I go to regal. All right, so there's this regal near me. They sell They sell fucking like these high percentage beers dude I went and saw a complete unknown just absolutely fucking blasted off like two golden monkeys. Yeah, and
Starting point is 00:53:26 And I had already been drinking before then like I went to the theater already fucked up and then had two gold monkeys And literally like left the theater and I was like I need to change my life. Yeah but I dude I fucking like so I went to go see with my sister and we're both just kind of like full-blown alcoholics and So they give you a wristband where it's like, okay, like they mark how many drinks you have. And we got there like right before shift change. So like the one bartender gave us a wristband and like marked it.
Starting point is 00:53:54 And then like I came back to the bar and there was a new bartender and I was like, oh, he has no idea of a wristband. So I ripped the old wristband off and then got two more drinks on top of it. So I had like three drinks, just left the theatered. Damn. I was like if I'm fucking ripping off- Is that a scary movie? Oh Bob Dylan. Oh, that's what it was? Yeah, a complete unknown. It does sound like a scary movie. Yeah, someone's got porn out of here.
Starting point is 00:54:17 I don't even know Yeah, dude, because like That's out right now. Bob Dylan. Yeah, the Bob Dylan movie. Oh shit. It's got Timothy Chalamet I think I'm thinking of something else knows for autos out to answer my beer thing, but that's the other scary movie I'm thinking about you. I thought there was a guy There's like a bunch of scary movies out right now knows for autos out Bob Dylan movie is not scary So you were just like when you were hammereded and the movie ended, were you like,
Starting point is 00:54:45 that's a good fucking movie? Or were you just kind of like, what the fuck did I just do? No, it was good. It was like getting up and then like leaving the theater, being like, oh, I should not be trashed at like the movies. I forgot what movie I saw, like borderline blackout. It was like that movie where like that woman has like fucking, or no, it's like that dude has like fucking or no, it's like
Starting point is 00:55:07 That dude has like Unlimited it's like Bradley Cooper. He has like unlimited fucking potential. Oh Yeah, I saw that in the movies hammer and I was like, dude My mind's gonna fucking explode right now. Yeah blast. It was crazy. The movie is that they just made a movie about Adderall That's all that fucking movie is yes is you just take If you just take two Adderalls, that's exactly how you feel. Yeah. Watching that for the first time though, fucking hammered is insane. I was like, dude, I'm fucking retarded. It's fucking wild, man. You know? Yeah, dude, do you get like, do you drink before you go on stage or no?
Starting point is 00:55:42 It depends. I guess it depends on like the show or whatever. Like if it's something like high stakes and I want to be sharp, then I'll be like, all right, I should probably just have a Red Bull because I want to feel something like, I mean, I either go one side like one side of the spectrum either I'm gonna go on stage is absolutely caffeinated out of my mind. Yeah, or I'm gonna go like, have a few beers be a little bit looser, whatever, play around the crowd a little bit more.
Starting point is 00:56:03 Yeah, but I did it. I did like a gig at this, my buddy like paid me to do this like Christmas party recently and I got there. And there was like kids in the crowd and it was open bar and I was like getting blasted because I'm not going to do my act sober in front of children. I tried telling him, I was like, dude, like, was like a like a corporate type thing where like this his buddy like owned a company and like I was having Like a big Christmas party and but he also invited his employees to bring their family So it was like literal children in the crowd. I told my buddy. I was like, you know my act He's like, yeah, no, dude. It's fine. My my boss or whatever said it was like he doesn't care like and I went on stage Just doing like jokes about like fucking my wife's mouth
Starting point is 00:56:45 In front of these kids, but I was I was like six Miller lights deep how old are the kids though? Oh like ten. Oh, yeah, so you did all your jokes. I Definitely left a couple out. I left out fingering. It's tough. Yeah, and he knew like the whole oh, yeah He knew he's like yeah, what were the kids reactions? Just like, honestly, just like, I'm surprised. Like this is like, yeah, I mean, they're on YouTube every day. It's like, they're just, whatever, this shoot is.
Starting point is 00:57:10 That's wild, man. Yeah, and the family was like, they were all kind of drunk. So they were just like, they didn't care either, which is weird. Like they were laughing, but the kids were just like, what's going on? Yeah. But like the scenario is like that,
Starting point is 00:57:21 where if I know, cause it was like, it wasn't, you know, obviously my best set ever, but if I know I'm like, oh, this is gonna be rough. Then I'll have a couple of drinks. Yeah. I went to Philly for the first time, like two weeks ago, dude. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:33 No, it was probably more than two weeks. But yeah, I didn't know the shows I was doing were like, in like a, it was like a PC kind of venue. Oh. Yeah, dude, people were like literally, like I bomb all the time, like most of the time. And yeah, man, these people were like literally gasping. Oh, really? Like, oh, that's the word. I'm the type of dude who like if I hear that I
Starting point is 00:57:53 go like deeper into it. I'm like, oh, wait till you we have to call it out. It's been like, it's the worst. I've had a couple ones where I'm like, I'll do like a self deprecating joke on myself. And they'll be like, Oh, like oh no like I've heard like verb like that. I'm like Can you just let me have this like words man? You know fuck it up. Yeah, I don't know what's going on lately man, but Sure, it'll turn around. It just feels like self deprecating shit isn't working anymore. Well now it's like everybody's doing it I feel like everybody's like I look like this, but the funniest shit is like making fun of yourself Yeah, it's fun. I think you just have to it can't be your entire act because there's some people where it's just like yeah
Starting point is 00:58:31 They do that and that's all they have you know you're gonna mix it up But it's like dude it takes strength to make fun of yourself especially I think it's something you have to do if you're also gonna make fun of other people because it's like First you have to like put yourself in the same playing level. I guess that's how people. Because it's like, first you have to like, put yourself in the same playing level, I guess. So that's how I feel where it's like, okay, if I'm gonna make fun of my nephew, I have to like also acknowledge that I'm a retard also. Yeah, it's also like, if we're boys,
Starting point is 00:58:57 like I'm not gonna like say nice shit to you. You know, like I'm gonna call you like a retarded lesbian. And people don't get that that's like out of love. Like that's me showing you Respect yeah, you know yeah, that's everybody in high school used to show me a lot of respect Because everybody was my friend in high school so they would say things like fat loser and dumb retard Yeah, I'd be like I love you guys, too. That's why we're here now me As we took it like that mm-hmm no, but I don't know man. We'll see I guess you just kind of have to like find
Starting point is 00:59:26 people who are like Full bull retarded mm-hmm. You know I mean like that's all about yeah, cuz like every fan. I've ever communicated with is like legit retarded anybody who Listens to podcast is at least a little bit retarded I feel like like we get phone calls dude And I like stopped answering them cause like every voicemail would just be like some dude ripping ass.
Starting point is 00:59:49 Oh really? And I just be like. Some dude like just farting into the thing. Yeah. Damn, we don't take phone calls on our podcasts. We do take, we have a PO box though, which is cool. Oh for real? Yeah, and like people send us like teeth and hair
Starting point is 01:00:02 and like Polaroid feed pics. And we, so we, so we nail it all to the wall behind us. And if you go on the YouTube and you watch our videos, like it's all just shit that people have sent us. Oh shit. Yes, we nail like fan art. Like somebody just drew like, somebody literally printed out a picture of like me and Jim,
Starting point is 01:00:22 but and Jim looks totally normal, but I'm glowing red. Like, I just nailed it to the wall behind it. That's pretty sad, that's a good idea, man. Yeah. Like, how does a wall look nice? No, it looks like a crime scene. But it's funny, I think it's funny. Art is art, man, you know? Yeah, but we have like, yeah,
Starting point is 01:00:37 but we have like literally like teeth in a bag like nailed to my wall. Wow. And like, I think one time my mom came downstairs and she was like, what the fuck is all this? I was like, oh, it's fan art. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Fuck. Yeah, dude It's one girl cut off her ponytail and sent it to us. That was pretty sick. Yeah Do we can take a yeah before we end man. Let's take a few phone calls. Oh sweet. Hell, yeah
Starting point is 01:00:58 I don't know if we can answer them man, but we can try try. Yo, Johnny. Pat from Massachusetts. Look, I'm having a kid in February and I'm just wondering when the appropriate time to stop eating my girl's boxes. I just really enjoy doing it and I love your advice. That's a great question for you, man. He's gonna have a kid in February and he wants to know when it's inappropriate to stop eating his wife's
Starting point is 01:01:30 box. Yeah. I feel like you just got to, what's the, I mean why not just do it till you have the kid? I feel like after the kid that's when it's weird because that's all like stitched up and needs to heal. I didn't know you stopped man. I just feel like stopping would be kind of like a coward move. Yeah, I would never stop. Yeah. I mean, me and my wife also don't have kids yet though. Yeah, but I feel like you're not gonna stop, dude. Oh, yeah, no, I'm not gonna stop until like the baby's
Starting point is 01:01:53 like ready to come out. Yeah, you're gonna be in the fucking room, dude, just carving it up. After the kid comes out, I'm gonna be like, all right, now let me get back to business. You guys could just give us some privacy. Yeah, now if you guys could leave, I'd really appreciate it.
Starting point is 01:02:09 Yeah, bro, I can't imagine never eating box again, man. That would be a... That'd be rough. You know? Is he talking about taking a break or stopping completely? And then voicing out. I think he just means to, he's hanging up the cleats, man.
Starting point is 01:02:19 Oh no, you can't do that. Yeah, that's insane, bro. It's like such a rhetorical question. Yeah, no, you have to... That's all we have to live for, man. Yeah. You know? I feel like that. That's insane, bro. It's like such a rhetorical question. Yeah No, you have to that's all we have to live for man. Yeah, you know I feel like you're not you're not a real man if when your wife Has a kid you stop going down on her. Yeah You're just gonna be like that guy in the office that like she's always talking about she's again
Starting point is 01:02:36 My husband just like doesn't really put out for me anymore And then some janitor's gonna walk by and be like well, I I do yeah, it's how like every porno starts pretty much Yeah, yeah, that guy if you're yeah, how every porno starts. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, you can't quit. Never give up on that. Never give up, man, especially on something like that, dude. If you choose to have a kid with somebody, you can't have a kid and then be like, all right, now I'm
Starting point is 01:02:58 done having fun with you. Yeah. That's how a divorce happens. Yeah, it's got to be one of the reasons, sex-driving stuff stuff. Oh, yeah, I feel like if you have an asian wife you get that stimulus Where you like actually feel something there's something about it, man. I don't know what it is I think it's maybe just they like look confused all the time I'm not talking like 100 Asian but just like a little bit asian is sick Like 50 is like where you want wanna be. Filipina, yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:25 Half Filipina. Why are they so chill, man? Why are they so like chilled out? I don't fucking know what it is, man. I don't know. I think why, her mom is like super chill because like she like grew up in like poverty and stuff. So like the fact that she comes home
Starting point is 01:03:38 and the lights turn on is just like the best day for her. So I guess like she takes, she doesn't take anything for granted. We're in like America, we're like, what the fuck? Do you mean the WiFi is only at three fucking megabyte download speed or whatever? And then she comes home and the fucking lights work and there's the TV and she's like, holy shit,
Starting point is 01:03:56 this is awesome. So I guess because her mom is chill, she kind of raised her, they both kind of were just chill together I don't know yeah but also her dad was kind of like a dick like he and also it's like her dad was like an entrepreneur uh-huh so she that kind of scared her when I was like yeah I'm also not gonna have a real job she was like okay great yeah well he was probably just trying to provide dude for the
Starting point is 01:04:24 family oh well yeah he was like building like supercomputers and shit Yeah, and it was going really well and like for like a while my my wife when she was a kid like she went from like Her parents being like super mega rich to like him like totally losing his company Oh, and then like being in poverty again. Yeah. Yeah, it was rough But I guess she's got to find an Asian woman who's like experienced the struggle man. Oh, Yeah, it was rough, but. I guess you just gotta find an Asian woman who's like experienced the struggle, man. Oh yeah, she's been on both sides. I might have to go to like a cargo port or something.
Starting point is 01:04:53 You gotta go to Jollibee, but just find one of them that like doesn't look super happy and be like, hey, what's wrong? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's wrong, is your dad an entrepreneur? Yeah. Damn, dude. Well, dude, it was good to meet you, man meet you man. It's good meeting you too. Yeah, I meet you in person man if you just want to let the people know where they can
Starting point is 01:05:13 Find you dude. Yeah, I I'm on Instagram at Rob Stant comedy and Check out my podcast too in the, with me and my buddy Jim. Yeah, Two in the Stink podcast on Instagram. Hell yeah, dude. It's Matt Original, bro. Oh yeah, yeah. I figured, you know, it was either that or the Rob Stant experience, so.
Starting point is 01:05:36 So. So. Definitely give it a listen. Yeah, man. Thank you for coming, dude. Yeah, thanks for having me, man. Thank you guys for listening.

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